12.12.22
Back on my Beastie Boys kick. Ill Communication my beloved.
PhD applications are due in three days (well most of them), but I'll also be traveling then. Which means that, for me, PhD apps are more or less due tonight. Only applying for a handful of places this time around as I'm really just looking for a better offer than the option I deferred, but the end-of-term exhaustion has been kicking my ass. Long term indeed, but I have hopes that the next one should be a little smoother given that I now know how this department/institution functions. Still, the break will be much needed. Just have to get through these applications first.
🎶 Get It Together - Beastie Boys, Q-Tip
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One day you think: I want to die. And then you think, very quietly, actually I want a coffee. I want a nap. A sandwich. A book. And I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friends, I want to sit in the sun. I want a cleaner room, I want a better job, I want to live somewhere else, I want to live.
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one thing i need to start living by is “become the thing that you want” if i want friends who throw themed parties maybe i should start throwing those parties. if i want someone who writes me love letters maybe i should start writing letters for the people i love. if i want to hang out at museums and pretty cafes maybe i should invite my friends to these places. and maybe even then i won’t find the kind of people i want to be around. but then i would have become the exact person i want to be around. and maybe that’s good enough.
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I am a terrible combination of “whatever happens, happens” and “If everything doesn’t go according to plan, I will vaporize”
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