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#dc hire me you cowards
distort-opia · 2 years
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I see a lot of people say they don't want Joker to be important in The Batman sequels, that they're sick of Joker, etc. but is it just me or do people kind of overstate how ubiquitous Joker is in Batman adaptions? He appears in most of them yeah but that's to be expected when he's Batman's archnemesis. There are some where he doesn't show up, or if he does, isn't necessarily the main/only focus of the villains. The only time I can think of where it got egregious was in the Arkham games, but even then other villains still got a good deal of attention. Or do most of the people making these complaints just not like Joker in general?
Mm, no, I would agree Joker isn't as ubiquitous as he's made out to be in Batman media. However, I do agree with the complaints regarding him to an extent. I'd say it's less about how often he shows up and more about how he does it. Him showing up frequently should be a consequence of him being crucially important. Whether people like it or not, Joker is essential to Batman, that's impossible to dispute -- as you said, he's Batman's archnemesis. But there is a difference between writing a good Joker story and just... sticking Joker in one because he's a popular, titular character.
For instance, in the current Batman run they had Joker be the one who hired Deathstroke to kill Robin way back in the day, and I rolled my eyes so hard. They shove Joker in whenever they're in need of a Plot Twist (aha, it was Joker all along!) or when they have something horrible happen, because of course Joker would do that, he's deranged! Even if the act itself is not in character for Joker. He's come to be used as a plot device when writers don't know what villain to pull out of the hat, and it wouldn't annoy me as much if it were well-written. But instead of trying to fit the story within Joker's core characterization, his personality tends to get rewritten a lot, in order for the writer to tell the story they want. That's how you get... one-dimensional, shallow, typical serial killer and not-actually-funny Joker. So I get how this might make people feel Joker shows up too much, because a lot of the time he's not showing up in the right way, and it becomes grating. I love Joker, but even I am torn between watching his character get skewered vs. not reading about him at all.
Plus, something to keep in mind is the fact that a lot more people watch movies, and not nearly as much read comics. For many fans, the contact they've had with Joker has been through live-action films, and The Dark Knight (2008) especially. Ledger's iconic performance forever influenced what came after. Every attempt at playing Joker since then has had elements from it, and this after Joker got turned into a mascot for dudebros who watched TDK and thought "I'm an agent of chaos" is all there was to him. So many people associate Joker with this "We live in a society" kind of message now -- which Joker (2019) played into heavily, creating a completely different version of him -- when Joker in the comics is so much more than that. It's actually baffling to me how Joker, such a heavily queer-coded character (even within TDK) came to represent toxic masculinity for a lot of people. This, I would say, is another big reason why Joker has become so hated. People have heard of Joker inspiring a shooter to go into a theater and unload a gun into the audience, they've heard about Leto sending dead rats to his colleagues, they've seen all the toxic mysoginist 'alpha' males with Joker posters in their room, and they've landed on this horrid image of him. Which does annoy me to no end, because that's not who Joker is. Joker isn't about wanton destruction, the same way Batman isn't about mindless vengeance. But that's an essay for another day.
Also... it's become a bit of a trend in the last five years, especially on Tumblr and Twitter; to complain about Joker's every appearance, to wish for Batman to kill him or for Joker to disappear entirely, etc. Obviously not saying there aren't people who genuinely dislike Joker (and that's their prerogative), but there's a bit of a 'getting woke points' aspect to this more recent wave of hatred, which has become more prevalent right now for villains in general. Hating on Joker is an easy way to show your moral superiority -- after all, he did so many horrible things. And it's tough to even introduce nuance in a discussion about Joker with people like this, who only view the world in black and white, because they do not seek to understand. The goal, conscious or not, is more the performance a 'pure' moral stance so that they feel good about themselves, and so others flock to agree with them (which in turn makes the commentators feel good about themselves, and on it goes).
Sorry, anon, this got way longer than I expected :)) In the end, this Joker fatigue many DC fans are having right now is influenced by many factors, and it’s such a pity. When done right, Joker can be an absolute delight.
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benbamboozled · 2 years
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Honestly, I’m kind of surprised DC doesn’t have more Clone Babies in play.
Where’s the Superbats Clone Baby?
The Superman/Wondy Clone Baby?
The Trinity Clone Baby? How has this not happened already?!
If Lex Luther and Kal-El can have a Clone Baby, and Talia and Slade can have a surprise!Clone Baby, I say no Clone Babies should be off the table.
GIVE EVERYONE CLONE BABIES 2022!!!
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jonathan-samuel-smith · 7 months
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BoSS Dami is like the same character but rather than serious and grumpy they play up his arrogance into him being boastful and cocky and I love it. He's having so much fun in the film, he loves fighting. He's bloodthirsty in a way that makes the audience happy for him which is pretty funny. I love the way they animate his facial expressions it's so good, and I love his voice. It's a little bit serious and broody while still being arrogant and youthful it's great. Jon sounds a little too old to be ten but I like his voice other than that. I love how Jon thinks he's cool and how quickly they bond despite clashing early on. And they're so cute. So. Cute.
The colorism thing is a big problem and it's par the course for Damian, when given the full range of color options for a character of his heritage they will always choose the lightest unless they're actively fighting their subconscious racism and colorism.
I went off on a rant on DC colorists colorism under the cut this post really got away from me, but READ THIS IF YOU DRAW DAMIAN!!↓
I get that you draw what you see and if you see a lot of white and lightskinned people you end up getting good at only drawing white people, and light skin has been purposely highlighted in visual media for centuries in this country, but USE GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH GOD DAMNIT, FOLLOW POC ON SOCIAL MEDIA, HIRE POC. Go out of your damn way to learn this shit. If you can't do it good now, learn!
I went through this with homestuck, all the human characters have #00000 skin so you're free to have whatever race headcanons you want of them, but that's not actually representation. I was influenced by this style because coloring skin is hard so I just shaded it with my pencil and left it uncolored but then I realized by refusing to color the melanin in someone's skin, that's colorism. Fuck that. So I decided to learn, and mess up a lot of otherwise pretty works, because it would be worth it in the end. I'm still learning but I've learned so much already.
For example a lot of colorist societies draw pale skin far too desaturated. If you compare actual skin to the skin in anime, nearly all Asians that aren't photoshopped or wearing make up/bleaching look so much darker. Bleached paper being what we draw on and light skin being the presumed default in our culture has made white people (and others) way too comfortable doing the bare minimum in coloring skin. You don't still use the yellow crayon for blonde hair so why do you still use the very light peach/tan as the default skin tone? You're not even coloring light skin right let alone approaching properly drawing dark skin right.
I'm so fucking tired of every company doing this when I learned how to do better in middle school. Get out of your fucking comfort zone and draw diversely, or you're a coward and you're not doing anything to combat your culturally inherited racism.
Most DC artists are good at drawing 1 or 2 skin tones, maybe 3. There are so many more undertones and shades than that. I'm not counting rainbow colors. If you want Damian to be paler than his mother to reflect his mixed heritage that's totally fine! But it should be darker than Bruce's and Jon's. I've compared them and paid attention to the shadows being cast and he's really not darker than Jon and only rarely darker than Bruce because they drew Bruce especially pale.
I want you to understand that removing melanin from a character is erasure of their identity and actively harmful. There's a broad range of skin tones that the son of Talia and Bruce might have but choosing the lightest possible option is favoring white skin over dark skin, not realism. Just because you've seen more light skinned mixed kids doesn't mean there aren't darker skinned ones. The light skinned ones get more attention on social media and commercially because of social bias + algorithms + intentional racism. Most people who are colorist think that they're not racist because they're representing nonwhite people not bothering to notice that the people they represent have the most european features and light skin in their group. Yes those people are oppressed too but you're not fixing anything by only showing racially ambiguous people.
Mariner on star trek is a relevant example from animation. Both her parents have dark skin but she has much lighter skin because she's a main character. Stop it. Stop it. Don't think just because you see something highlighted a lot that it's the most common thing that's so dumb. How many mixed people do you think you see that you assume aren't mixed? There's confirmation bias at play.
I just wish I could beam this message into everyone's thick fucking skulls. Dark skin is beautiful. My number one coloring tip for any artist is this: don't be afraid to go too dark. You'll ruin the contrast and legibility and dynamic if you keep everything light and mid tones.
If you go too dark, you can filter it later.
I hate the argument "there are plenty of mixed people who dadadadada" stop. there are such a variety of people in numbers you literally cannot fathom with your human brain. You cannot picture all of the people that look exactly like whatever it is you're saying is more uncommon. Race is made the fuck up but its impact and cultural significance is real as hell. Genetics are so fucking diverse. I know a biologically related pair of siblings, one super tall dark skinned black dude and one super short freckled white girl, they have the same parents you cannot tell that they are related if you're thinking that mixed race children are like taking the skin tones and mixing them like paint.
Colorism is physically dangerous. People will assume that a mixed race child is being kidnapped by their parent because they so look different to them.
Damian could look the spitting image of Talia, I can tell you that with 100% certainty. He also could look the spitting image of Bruce, or Thomas Wayne, or Martha, or Ra's. All we know is that he's Arab, Chinese and white, he has black hair and green eyes, and he's short and good looking. Taking that and making the most european looking version of that guy as possible is fucking racist. I'm so serious.
If you want to do your part to combat racism and make a society where everyone can get attention and be seen as beautiful regardless of skin tone, then draw Damian with dark skin.
If you don't want to do that.... I don't understand you. Learn empathy, it will be useful to you.
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jewishcissiekj · 1 year
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I'm so normal about this Cassie design by Cully Hamner (right) what do you mean
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Totally not basically my ideal Cassie costume that embodies her personality and character perfectly no lol that would be embarrassing given the fact it's a scrapped New 52 design and has almost no hope of appearing in comics again
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Jim Lee's scrapped one is also really good so I'm taking elements from it now that I'm drawing the design
DC don't be cowards hire me as your character designer for a minute and a half so I could bring this look back please I'm holding Scott Lobdell hostage
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rainbow-squirrels-7 · 2 years
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my partner agrees with me so i took it as a go ahead to write a trailer pitch DC plz hire me
Picture it: black screen, the single ~Iconique~ single piano note plays (I may not be anything close to goth or punk or emo and actually avoid wearing black at all costs, but even I know how iconic the first piano note is), and the instrumental bit of the beginning of the song plays as the various movie company logos fade onto the scene, probably in time with the notes.
The first verse kicks in over a scene of a kiddo and his dad and you’re made to THINK it’s baby Bruce Wayne and his dad but SIKE I foOLED you! It’s ROBIN (cuz if any Batman deserves a sweet sunshiney boy, it’s Battinson) and his dad, talking about… idk. Something. Tbh I don’t know a lot of Batman Lore™️- that’s someone else’s job.
A cut to black with “he said son when-”, and the next words of the song are matched with quick scenes of the Wayne parents deaths and  also Robin’s parent’s deaths (he’s an orphan in the Lego Batman Movie, the only other Batman media that’s good that I’ve seen besides scattered episodes of old Cartoon Network shows, so like. Dead parents. Probably) and the continuing of Bruce’s Batman-ing (“will you be the savior of the broken” etc. etc.) and beginning of Robin’s Robin-ing
The song fades into an instrumental as the proper trailer stuff happens, whatever villain of the rogues gallery the sequel decides to go with and their shenanigans (side note it better not be Joker cuz I Just Don’t Care For Him and he’s Not That Interesting send tweet. Keep him in jail. Where he belongs) coming in around a minor key chorus, and the actual story of the sequel is presented here. It’ll be one of those movies where the whole time Bruce is like “I couldn’t care less about you kid don’t get in my way” but not-so-secretly he’s all “I CARE ABOUT YOU SO MUCH KID”
And the rock opera part of the song (“caaaary onnnnn we’ll caaary oooon”) BLASTS back in when Bats comes back with scenes of him doing cool Batman stuff, but Especially with him helping people and being the source of hope like he said he wanted to try to be at the end of the first movie (when we all said ‘YES! Now THIS is Batman!!’ Even me. Who hasn’t even seen any other live-action Batsmen but I Know they’re Not Him. Battinson Is him. I saw it described like the other live-action Batsmen would be perching gloomily on the side of a building like a gargoyle at the end where the rescues at the flood are happening, but Battinson is THERE helping out HIMSELF! In the immortal words of Red OSP: “If your Batman can’t comfort a crying child then he’s not Batman”) and him being A Good Dad to his new sunshiney sidekick. Also insert gratuitous shots of RPatts with smudgy eyeliner again (cuz this Batman’s for the gays and theys and goths) and Alfred being a Supportive Dad Figure™️ and maybe a quick shot of Selina Kyle, if she’s coming back for the sequel as well. Or keep her a secret so audiences can be surprised. Whatever works. But also there’s shots of Bruce as Bruce Wayne, helping out people in situations where Batman is not needed (like with money and stuff), and he’s like. Still a soft-spoken, scrungly, sopping wet cryptid of a man (hc he’s autistic I claim him), but he’s doing good! For his city!!
Anyway, as the final “caAArY OOonn!” and that part with the chanting, (“I’m just a boy not a hero”) the title and release date fade in here over like. A shot of the city skyline or something. Idk.
And there we go. What we could have if the director of the Batman sequel isn’t a coward.
oh also one more note mr. director: More bats. Like. Real bats. Just for me. because i love them
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thefoxxyreview · 5 months
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So we have been blessed with a sequel to the infamous live-action “Suicide Squad”. When we were first given this interesting team of super-villains turned good for hire, many DC fans were excited. I personally was whelmed by the performances of Jared Leto as the joker and Will Smith as Dead Shot. it was okay overall but it did not give me “sequel” vibes. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that the second Suicide Squad was available. This is a series I prefer to follow in animation form, but I decided to humor DC and watch the movie. I was not disappointed funny enough!
*Spoilers Ahead*
They Tricked me in the beginning when they basically wasted Team one of the Squad. Our real team we would be Bloodsport, Peacemaker, King Shark, Ratcatcher 2, Pokand the surviving Harley Quinn from team one who managed escape as she tends to do. They actually let us know just how disposable the people in each of these suicide squads are, as wells as showed just how often Amanda Waller is willing to sacrifice life to cover the tracks of the government. John Cena and Idris Elba played well off of each other and though their characters were similar, their philosophies were vastly different. John Cena’s character, Peacemaker, to me represented the radical ideas that white supremacists carry and would love to force upon the world and say that it is what is necessary to gain peace in this world. Ratcatcher 2 just not a villain that I am familiar with in the DC universe, but she definitely made me appreciate rats for some odd reason. She had a way of making them super useful as well as cute. King shark was played by Sylvester Stallone and he did absolutely wonderful. I’ll have to watch behind the scenes to figure out the whole CGI situation and how much of it was Computer. I’ve seen the Harley Quin animated Series and in that iteration of King shark he is extremely articulate and a vital part to the group as the brains and Brawn when needed. I didn’t appreciate them dumbing him completely down. Blood sport was your classic bitter, clever, doesn’t believe in himself leader. The way that he and Peacemaker bickered was hilarious and were scenes that I looked forward to. 
There were some nice cameos from stars I recognized. They were quickly disposed of in team one.  I enjoyed Pete Davidson for the short time he was there. his comedic style was underused if you ask me. Michael Rooker’s Character Savant was a bad ass for maybe ten minutes of the movie before he was reduced to a coward. In the animated suicide squad movies, someone’s head always gets blown off by the button, live action is no different.
All in all, this isn’t a movie that I would watch again upon my own suggestion. There is a persistent love of Margot Robbie that will always be evident by many fans and myself.  She has made the character of Harley Quinn her own, and it is no wonder that she was able to get a movie with Harley as the star. DC movies are slowly starting to catch their fans attention. If only these actors would act right when off the big screen they could keep the interest on the characters and stories rather than their personal lives.
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eyes-of-mischief · 1 year
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weekly fic recs | 33
prompt: bureaucracy/office au
fandoms: bnha, dc, hq, mdzs
bnha
Heroics: Not Just Punching People Into Buildings, Apparently by stifledlaughter
"In today's practical test, you all will grapple with one of the worst aspects of being a hero," announced Present Mic to class 1-A. "Paperwork!"  
---
Sometimes, hero work isn't about capturing villains. It's about trying not to cry on the phone to the insurance agent after being on hold for an hour when they tell you that their company only accepts faxed forms.
He's Our Most Important Member by autumnconcept
As a member of the quirkless side of society, Izuku has long given up his dream of being a hero.
Remind him how he ended up in charge of an entire agency?
dc
Executive Assistant to the Batman by heartslogos
“So what’s someone like you doing working for someone like Wayne?”
“We’re star-crossed,” Tim answers, because clearly this job has only improved his ability to mouth off with a complete and total lack of self-regard.
(Rewrite of my old Assistant!verse)
on my desk by monday by calamityjade
(explicit)
Dick Grayson was tired of living hidden in his father's shadow. He desperately needs to find a space where he can thrive as just himself, and figures seeking out a simple job might be a good start; but being Jason Todd's assistant gives him so much more than he expected to gain. (No capes AU. Jason Todd is a lawyer and Dick is hired as his assistant)
haikyuu
hyogo melon code of conduct by goldplate
(mature)
“You misunderstand me, Miya-san. We’re not here to discuss the legality of your… melons."
-
Osamu's home garden gets the attention of the municipality's building and lot code compliance office.
the right path by norio
"What do you expect from our company?" the interviewer asked.
A job. A straightforward path, the only concerns about the budget for printer toners. A solitary lifestyle in a cubicle. But Akaashi curled his fingers around his resume and thought wryly that if he truly wanted all that, he wouldn't be applying to an anime company.
mdzs
Best man for the job; a detailed treatise on Chief Cultivation by Aerlalaith
“Just these?” He had thought, perhaps, given Jin Guangyao’s notorious organizational skills, there might be a few more, but it does not overly trouble him.
“Oh no, Chief Cultivator,” Jin Guangtian says. “This is just the index.”
(The peerless Hanguang-Jun faces his greatest challenge yet: bureaucracy).
The Roots Grow Riotous by hansbekhart
(explicit)
Sometimes Lan Zhan doesn’t work through lunch. Sometimes he makes conversation with coworkers in the halls. Sometimes he goes home instead of spending the last hour trawling through Grindr. But mostly, that’s exactly what he does. The sameness is comforting. His life spools out in easily measured increments: capsule collections, yards of hand dyed textiles, ninety day lead times, sell through figures, cost of goods sold. 
Every date in manufacturing can be calculated backwards and forward from a single horizon point: the date that the goods must arrive into the country where they'll be sold. Other than that, nothing else really matters.
Always Be Closing by betts
(explicit)
Wei Ying’s thumb hovered over Lan Zhan’s number. It would be a brief phone conversation. Not even a minute. He would tell Lan Zhan what needed to be done, and Lan Zhan would say “mn” a bunch of times, and Wei Ying would spiral all day about how much Mr. Hot and Perfect All the Time probably hated his guts, and it would be fine. Emotionally, no different than any other Tuesday.
Fine, sue him, he was a coward. He pulled up a new text and typed, My son is sick today. Going to doctor. Can you do smoothie hut call? 500m CRE + 250m LOC
He sent the text. The ellipses rose. He waited.
Or: During a long overdue divorce and messy custody battle, Wei Ying gets demoted to small business finance. There, he's partnered with a new closer who clearly hates him, until he finds out Lan Zhan is far more verbose—and dare he say flirtatious?—in writing than in speaking
But to be loved like a song you remember Even when you've changed by enbysaurus_rex
The manual was long, but it all boiled down to the same thing-- assess, capture, banish, assess, repeat. Keep the affected area to a minimum. Be proactive in protecting any device that can access the internet. Physical storage areas with names had to be up to standard (file boxes were allowed, so long as the lid was reinforced and could stand up to the particular talisman used), but anything else usually required paperwork and approval, even if it was retroactive. Wangji hoped everything was in file boxes this time, even though he knew it was in vain. None of his storage solutions had ever been declined, but it was a tremendous amount of paperwork, picture taking, and documentation for what was usually a relatively small collection. In this case, it was less likely to be true, and the documentation was likely to be equal to the names warded and sealed. He appreciated that.
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red-bat-arse · 4 years
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we've all gotten so used to superheroes being mainstream and with sprawling connections across the globe that i think we've started treating them like extensions of law enforcement - not in the way that, like, green arrow would help break up a picket line or superman would protect private property from the homeless, but that we've forgotten that what theyre doing is illegal
i think it would actually be more interesting to focus on that aspect of it. like, the gotham police are supposed to be the most corrupt in north america, jim gordon has the batsignal because he cant trust most of his officers. flash has a good relationship with his rogues a lot of the time because he can afford to, he's a vigilante, he's not forced to arrest them by anything except his own moral compass. wonder woman is an amazon, she literally has only the gods to answer to! she isn't gonna turn someone in for stealing food - she would be more likely to just give that person a random sack of coins and sent them on their way. the lanterns technically dont actually have jurisdiction if earth police dont recognize it, wouldnt that make a lantern popping in illegal? And if so, wouldnt that make a great fucking comic book??
i dunno i just see a lot of fanworks and media where there's cops n shit who barely bat an eyelash at heroes and vigilantes dropping into investigations and maybe its just the marxist in me but, realistically, cops would hate superheroes and vigilantes and would probably not cooperate with them one bit. yknow how CADMUS acts in the dcu? the cops should basically be the same but in the public eye, with less experimenting on metahumans and more systemic rascism. the police force is the armed body of the state, designed specifically to keep the oppressed masses in line; barring exceptional outliers like the mentioned jim gordon, why on EARTH would they do anything but try to shoot dc level vigilantes on sight????
and since im also a sucker for heroes and want them to still do good and for people to look up to them, how about more stories about ordinary people helping them out, realizing they help more than the police do, loving them because they're not law enforcement and that's a good thing!! because no way is green arrow gonna do anything but protect that picket line from the cops, and superman would sooner give a homeless guy the shirt off his back than help anyone remove him from private property for trying to find shelter, and batman's going to take his rogues down so they can get help and he still shows empathy for them even when they've done horrible things, he's going to talk to drug runners and thugs working for the mob and give them a business card, and then bruce wayne is going to give those guys a job to help them leave crime behind.
give me stuff like this over zombies or alien invaders any day!!!
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batboycentral · 4 years
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for long you live & high you fly - read on ao3
dick is struggling. jason refuses to let it slip by.
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pinkiepiebones · 4 years
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i love your Zsasz thoughts, even tho im not into him specifically i love the arkham asylum game and your enthusiasm is infectious and your musings on him is well thought out 💖💖💖💖
Oh wow, that means a lot to me, thank you! I spent a couple of years RPing as the Arkham games version of Zsasz, and i feel like I became a bit of an expert on him in the process. That’s why I get so annoyed with junk like Streets of Gotham, or that one issue in the Court of Owls story arc, I think, where Zsasz got infected with the Man-Bat serum. So much cool potential, utterly wasted! ... Like, don’t get me wrong, he is a reprehensible monster, and my appreciation of him as a character is in on way an endorsement or support of what he does in the games and comics. He just... He’s a more interesting villain than the dang Joker!
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speedprofessor · 4 years
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Post Crisis Headcanon - Name Change
     After the changes that happen as a result of the creation of Earth Prime, Eobard feels that the name ‘Reverse Flash’ no longer feels....right. Instead, he decides to take on a name that he had initially wanted to adopt all those years ago, but was unable to due to the actions of Fate and Time. 
     The name Reverse Flash was remembered in disdain, yet another display in the halls of the Flash museum. But Professor Zoom....Professor Zoom could be remembered as a scholar, a helping hand, a hero.
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epermochi · 7 years
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i'm not a fan of batcat in any current continuity. there, i said it.
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365days365movies · 3 years
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January 16, 2021: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)
I am a massive comic book nerd. Not unusual these days, to be fair. But I’m definitely up there, as far as my obsession with Marvel and DC go. And, yeah, I stick mostly to those two houses, and their various imprints.
Why do I bring this up? Well...remember this movie?
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Kick-Ass was a pretty big deal when it came out in 2010, as it was a Marvel Comics movie that was completely unrelated to the relatively new Marvel Cinematic Universe. Based of a 2008 comic book written by Mark Millar and drawn by John Romita Jr., the film was directed by Matthew Vaughn, and featured a more realistic take on how real-world superheroes would actually work.
Vaughn and Millar by this point at least, were friends. Around 2012, they’re getting drunk at a pub together, and talking movies. The topic of spy movies come up, and how there hasn’t really been a good, non-parody, fun spy movie, and that there should be. And that was the bulk of their conversation.
Enter Dave Gibbons, a legendary comic book artist, whom you may know from drawing the comic book that was turned into this:
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Oh yeah, he’s a big deal. Gibbons and Millar end up getting together to write a fun spy comic book based on this idea. Vaughn, meanwhile, is getting ready to direct X-Men: Days of Future Past, the sequel to X-Men: First Class, which Vaughn directed. That’s a good movie, by the way, even if I have...issues...with the treatment of the X-Men in film. Maybe one day I’ll get into that, we’ll see what happens. Ask me about it if you’re curious.
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Anyway, Millar goes to Vaughn with this script, and Vaughan looks at it and realizes that he needs to direct this movie before somebody else makes it. So he leaves Days of Future Past, and he signs on to...
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I feel like it’s an obligation, as a comic book dude, to watch this film. I should also read the book, but I didn’t do that with Kick-Ass, so to hell with it! Let’s get this recap started! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!
Recap
Starting off with some Money for Nothing, and somewhere in the Middle East, 1997! We go into a stone temple, where some kind of mission is taking place. A surprise grenade causes the loss of one of the agents. The surviving agents are Merlin (Mark Strong), Lancelot AKA James Spencer (Jack Davenport), and Galahad, AKA Harry Hart (Colin Firth).
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Hart, feeling guilty over the death of this agent, tells his wife, Michelle (Samantha Womack) and child Eggsy (yes, Eggsy) of his sacrifice, and gives Eggsy a medal.
From there, we jump forward 17 years, to Argentina where...Mark Hamill?
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Holy shit, it’s Mark Hamill! Apparently, he’s playing Professor James Arnold, and being held hostage by a group of mysterious men. Just then, he’s rescued by Lancelot, showing up with some classic James Bond-style swagger and asking for a cup of sugar, sardonically.
He kicks the asses of these guys, but is SLICED IN HALF BY A MAN WITH SWORD LEGS WHAT THE FUCK????
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was watching the best thing I’ve ever goddamn seen. And as if that weren’t enough, she’s working for Samuel L. “Motherfucker” Jackson, playing Richmond Valentine. I am...I am so pleased.
We go to the Kingsmen headquarters, where Lancelot is being mourned by the Kingmen and their leader MICHAEL CAINE, REALLY, HOLY SHIT
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Ahem. Sorry, uh...the star-studded cast has basically caused me to have a minor aneurysm. Caine plays Arthur, the leader of the Kingsmen. Get it? I can dig it, I’m a sucker for a good Arthurian reference. Anyway, now that Lancelot’s dead, it’s time to find a new candidate. Apparently, the man that died 17 years ago was part of an “experiment” by Hart, which Arthur says has failed. Galahad calls Arthur a snob, and says that they need to evolve with the times. \
Speaking of that former candidate, how’s his son doing?
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Not stellar, it seems. His mom is dating a very unsavory gentleman, and not really taking good care of her youngest daughter. Eggsy (Taron Egerton), on the other hand, is a carefree delinquent. After engaging in an entertaining backwards car chase with the police (it’s cool), he gets arrested. He refuses to give up his friends, and he instead asks for a phone call.He looks at the medallion around his neck, and remembers that he can use the number of the back to contact someone for help. He uses a specific code phrase, but it appears not to have worked. But then, Eggsy is turned loose with little more than a phone call. That’s when Eggsy meets Hart.
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We find out that Eggsy has a high IQ and Olympic-level athletics, but has dropped out of the Marines, and has been arrested for drugs and other illegal activities. After being read out by Hart, Eggsy goes on an anger-filled diatribe about the differences in privilege between the two of them. Although it’s short, it’s a powerful speech.
But that speech is interrupted by the owner of the car that Eggsy stole the previous night, as well as his gang. They’re yearning for a fight with Eggsy, and they threaten Hart. He doesn’t take that well, as he shuts the doors and windoes to the pub. Time to teach a lesson.
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Yup, I’m giving this fight the posted video award. It might be short, but it’s also one of the best and coolest sequences I’ve ever seen in a spy movie. And OH, it’s giving me that gadget shit I was missing from the Bond movies.
After one of the most enjoyable fight sequences I’ve seen in a while, Eggsy’s understandably stunned. So is his stepfather Dean (Geoff Bell), the leader of the gang that Hart beat up in the pub. He’s not happy, and he beats Eggsy in their apartment, and that scene is...WHOOF. Much to their surprise, however, Hart’s left a device on Eggsy’s back. He threatens Dean through the device, and tells Eggsy to meet him at a tailor that he’d mentioned.
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Once Eggsy escapes from Dean and the gang via nest parkour tricks, he makes his way to the tailor, where Hart officially brings him into the fold, giving him the opportunity to become a Kingsman. He exposits the history of the agency as a private group of spies, meant to protect the world while not bowing to the bureaucracy that plagues government-affiliated spy institutions.
We get to go to Kingsman Headquarters proper, and yeah...yeah, it’s cool. As compared to the other recruits, Eggsy’s pretty obviously out of place. This, of course, is part of the point, as Hart believes the Kingsmen could use someone with different life experiences and background. That would be the experiment mentioned earlier.
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Eggsy’s competitors include Roxy (Sophie Cookson), who appears to actually be polite to him, unlike most of the potentials. They settle in for the night...but not for long. Their quarters fills with water, as the entirety of the Kingsmen head towards the showerheads and toilets for air. While they all succeed, Eggsy is the one who actually gets everyone out, by literally punching the window.
Unfortunately, for one of the candidates...it’s too late. These candidates could die in the hiring process. Rough.
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Sadly, Mark Hamill also doesn’t quite make it, as Hart finds him, surprisingly freed from Valentine’s capture. As he’s questioned, Valentine is forced to kill him via Suicide Squad implant, and barely escaped from his men. Valentine and his henchwoman, Gazelle (Sofia Boutella) are trying to figure out who the Kingsmen are, to no avail at the moment.
Back with Merlin, who’s training the Kingsman candidates! They’re all told to get a puppy! Aw. Eggsy chooses J.B. a pug, under the mistaken impression that it’s a bulldog. And I’m not a pug person...but that puppy is cute as shit.
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Time marches on, and the Kingsmen continue their training. Eggsy’s colleagues continue to discriminate against him, especially Charlie (Edward Holcroft). Hart, who was knocked out by the explosion, eventually wakes up. Valentine goes around to political leaders and proposes his plan to “save the world,” whatever that’s about to mean. Apparently, that includes giving the King of Sweden a surgical implant of some kind. Huh.
This, of course includes some, uh...conflict with Gazelle.
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Awesome.
Eggsy’s in the final 6! As Hart congratulates him over this, we finally get some exposition on Richmond Valentine’s plan. See, that implant is the Suicide Squad bomb that killed Hamill, and Gazelle also has one. Additionally, he’s released a plan to the world that will provide free internet and phone data...forever. Not ominous at all, that.
After a cool skydiving training sequence, only three candidates are left. Hart, meanwhile, poses as a wealthy philanthropist, donating to Valentine’s cause. As a result, he’s treated to an extravagant dinner...of McDonald’s. Yes, it is the best product placement I’ve seen in a while, in case you were wondering. That reveal was hilarious.
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Anyway, their conversation turns from talking about climate change studies and concerns, to their opinion of James Bond movies, in a lovely little piece of meta flavor. At this point, they would appear to understand each other’s role in the play, as it were. Forgot to mention, Valentine’s been kidnapping anyone who disagrees with his goals, while also distributing his free internet cards. So, there’s that. But he’s also trying to figure out what exactly the “Kingsmen” are. Speaking of...
Our three remaining Kingsman candidates are assigned a mission to seduce a young dignitary. However, all three of them make a mistake, and allow themselves to get drugged at a party, by someone wanting to know who Hart and Kingsmen are. When Eggsy wakes up, he’s been strapped to train tracks. Uh oh.
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Despite an oncoming train, Eggsy doesn’t give the man any formation. Which, of course, was the point. It’s Hart, helping to give the Kingsman candidates a little loyalty test, which both Eggsy and Roxy pass with flying colors. But Charlie...Charlie’s a coward who immediately gives everything up, including Arthur himself.
Eggsy gets to spend 24 hours with Hart, before being thrown headfirst into a mission. Hart explains that being a Kingsman means being a gentleman, which Eggsy isn’t. Hart, of course, plans to fix that.
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They head to the tailor, and check out some spy gadgets. And much to their surprise, Valentine is also there, under the guise of getting a suit. Hart takes the opportunity to recommend a hatter, who gives him a top hat with built in listening devices. I love it.
Eggsy, meanwhile, speaks with Arthur at Kingsman HQ. He’s commanded to perform one final test: kill his pug, J.B. Which...yeah, damn, that sucks. He doesn’t do it, understandably. Unfortunately...Roxy does kill her dog. She succeeds...and Eggsy’s kicked out of the Kingsman candidacy. Which feels like a bullshit play, if I’m honest.
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Eggsy steals Arthur’s car, then goes back home. As he’s about to confront his stepfather, Hart brings back the car via remote access, then explains to Eggsy that the gun was filled with blanks, and that Eggsy ended up giving up his shot. He also reveals that the first candidate to die...didn’t actually die! It’s been a ruse all along, meant to test the candidates under the strictest of conditions. Which sucks, obviously, because Eggsy’s out of the program.
And at that point, Valentine says something of note, revealing that he plans to go to a hate church in Kentucky to begin his master plan. Hart heads there, and tells Eggsy to stay put.
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We get treated to just...just the loveliest of sermons. Disgusting. But then...
...that’s the point, isn’t it?
Because Valentine uses the SIM cards to create a signal that drives the parishioners crazy. Hart’s also in the church, however, and he also starts going crazy. Which leaves the question: what happens when a highly trained spy goes up against untrained civilians, has a bunch of gadgets...and has absolutely no restraint whatsoever?
A MASSACRE, THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. And most surprisingly, it’s a massacre that we actually SEE. Hart basically kills almost EVERYBODY in the church. I’ll put the video up, but...y’know, be warned here. It ain’t pretty.
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Hart comes to, and realizes exactly what he’s done. He leaves, only to be confronted by Valentine and his men. The Bond metaphor finally comes full-circle, explained directly by Valentine. But instead of explaining his whole plan and devising some complicated way to kill Hart that he’ll inevitably escape from...
He just shoots Hart in the head. Holy shit. And this is while Merlin, Arthur, and yes, Eggsy watch on through Hart’s home feed. Looks like a new Kingsman is needed.
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Arthur tells Merlin to assemble the Kingsmen. But Eggsy...Eggsy has other plans. Thinking on Hart’s words about wanting to do something good with his life. He goes to Arthur to talk to him about Hart’s death. Arthur invites him in for brandy. And that’s...when my mind exploded.
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HE’S FUCKING IN ON IT?!? Michael Caine, NOOOO! Turns out that Valentine’s convinced Arthur of his true plan: a culling. He believes that the Earth’s temperature because there’s simply too much humanity, like a body trying to kill a virus. And so...he’s going to make the virus exterminate itself. And that argument’s enough to win Caine over.
Turns out that the implant is meant to protect those individuals against a neurological signal emitted by the SIM cards, the same one that went off in the church. Arthur, realizing that Eggsy understands exactly what’s going on, poisons him, then asks if he would like to join them. Eggsy refuses...and Arthur sets off the remote poison to kill him.
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But NOPE! EGGSY SWITCHED THE FUCKIN’ GLASSES! I love this movie. Arthur dies, and Eggsy uses the opportunity to dig the implant from his neck. He takes that and Arthur’s phone to Merlin and Lancelot, who realize that they can’t trust anyone at this point. And so, the three of them - yes, the three of them - go to stop Valentine.
And, yeah...I can dig it. OH HOW I CAN DIG it.
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Roxy goes up in an experimental vehicle to bring down the satellite, Merlin is flying the plane, and Eggsy...Eggsy’s the one going in disguised as Arthur, in order to infiltrate the mountain lair of Valentine. Here, he and the other beneficiaries wait it out, while the world literally tears itself apart. Now wearing a bespoke suit and playing the role of a gentleman, Eggsy enters the lion’s den.
But as expected, it’s time to hit some snags. Roxy waits juuuuuust a little too long, and one of the balloons in her craft pops. As for Eggsy, he meets an old “friend” of his in the form of Charlie, who’s now working for Valentine.
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The missile’s fired just in time, as Charlie’s taken out and Eggsy runs for the plane. AWESOME climax here as Eggsy escapes. I mean it; it is VERY cool. They succeed JUST in time, and the satellite is destroyed. However, Valentine’s still managed to partially start the process, and they can’t do anything about that.
Eggsy’s gotta go BACK in, before Valentine gets another satellite to trigger the signal worldwide. Now armed with Hart’s AWESOME umbrella, he makes his way there under heavy gunshot. They’re also teaming up against Merlin in the plane, so he’s not doing great. And that when Eggsy has the idea...to turn the implants on. ALL of them.
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It’s amazing. Violence in fireworks. So, it’s too bad that it doesn’t stop the signal. It works, and people start to tear each other apart all across the world. But only for was long as Valentine has his hands on the desk. Eggsy manages to stop that by laying down some suppressive fire.
That provokes a response.
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..This movie is, for lack of a better term, fucking rad.
Gazelle and Eggsy have an awesome fight, worthy of any James Bond movie, seriously. I really want to give it the video post honor, but I’ve done that too much already. For god’s sake, I literally JUST did that.
Gazelle dies (it’s kinda goofy how she dies, if I’m honest), and Eggsy kills Valentine with her prosthetic leg. It’s over, as the signal ends, and Eggsy even gets the girl. Not Roxy, the Princess of Sweden. Not going into it, but it’s funny.
And that’s Kingsman: The Secret Service! Honestly, I gotta say, that was a rad-as-shit movie, and...
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Ooh, a mid-credits scene! Eggsy goes back home, to the pub, where his stepfather and mom are hanging out with the gang. And let’s just say...Dean’s gonna get a little comeuppance. Manners, after all, maketh man.
OK, THAT’S Kingsman: The Secret Service! And that, again, was pretty rad. See you in the Epilogue in a few!
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ladymostdeject · 4 years
Text
I Use My Outside Voice (Because I Have No Choice) Chapter 1
Hamilton hurried into his office, Thomas right behind him. He flung his briefcase back onto his desk, heedless of the laptop inside.
Hamilton didn’t even flinch at the noise, and he doubled back to close the door.
“Why does Washington always send you when he wants something from me? It’s like he thinks he can irritate me into submission.”
“Nobody sent me this time.”
Thomas rolled his eyes so hard his neck popped. “What do you want, Hamilton?”
“I need this bill passed. It’s stalled right now, and I need it passed.” He moved Thomas’ briefcase to get at the papers he’d left on the desk. He clutched them to his chest, face earnest.
“You’re talking about the bank bill?” he asked. Hamilton nodded and shifted on his feet nervously. “Why are you this wound up about it? It’s just a weird little regulatory bill. Those die in committee all the time.”
Hamilton puffed up his chest. “I wrote it.”
Thomas sighed so hard it almost hurt. “Of course you did.”
“It needs your support. If you support it, the other moderates will fall in line. Madison, Woodhall-”
“No.” Jefferson leaned back on his desk and crossed his arms.
“Okay, while that’s a compelling argument, I was really hoping for a little bit more back and forth. Is that all you really have to say?”
Thomas rolled his eyes. “No, I will not support that bill.”
Hamilton huffed, “Why not?! It doesn’t violate any of the major Republican Party stances, it doesn’t threaten you or Virginia in any way, it’s reducing certain banking regulations. Look right here, where it says-” Hamilton thrust a couple of the pages towards Thomas, who took them and promptly dropped them in the garbage.
Hamilton squawked. The mean little thing in Thomas’ chest purred.
“I can’t support it. Word has come down from on high, we have to object to anything y’all want. Doesn’t matter what it is. You can’t come down here anymore looking for compromises from the moderates, the answer is going to be no.”
“And you’re okay with that are you? Total gridlock for the next two years ?” he cried. No actually. It made Thomas sick. “It’s not the way things are supposed to work! We’re supposed to be making the country better!”
He circled back around his desk to give himself a moment. “I don’t know what to tell-”
“I didn’t know you were a coward!”
Thomas thought his patience was at its end already, but apparently it could stretch even thinner. He clutched his desk to keep from leaping over it and throttling Hamilton. “Fine! Do you want to know what I think? Even if I could help you I wouldn’t. It’s a bad bill. It is way too long. It looks like you’re trying to hide something in all that circular language.”
“It is not circular! Or too long! It’s exactly as long as it needs to be! It’s thorough and precise!” He gestured wildly.
“It needs to be about fifty thousand words shorter.” Thomas was starting to get his second wind. He had forgotten how much fun it was to wind up the other man.
“Fifty-” he sputtered. “That’s half of it!”
“And another thing, it puts an outrageous demand on an already strained system.”
“No, it utilizes a system that’s already in place to-”
“Also, if you really want bipartisan support, you need to remove the clause about omegas.”
Hamilton looked thunderous before, but suddenly he looked downright deadly. “I will not,” he growled. “That clause removes a century old system of oppression.”
Thomas shrugged. “You wanted my opinion.”
“I want your vote.”
He threw up his hands in exasperation. “You can’t have it! Just wait until the next time you have a congressional majority. That’s apparently how it works now. My god, Hamilton, learn some tact! You stormed in here demanding my help, you’ve shouted at me, and you’ve argued with every one of my suggestions. You can’t just strong-arm everyone into doing whatever you want. You’ll never get elected if this is the most diplomatic you can be!”
Something he said struck Hamilton hard. He looked gutted, and sounded hollow when he said, “I’m never going to get elected. That’s why I need to pass this bill.”
Thomas grimaced. “Oh, for- I didn’t mean right now, obviously. I meant that in the future, you need a good lesson on how to talk to humans beings, not that-”
“No. I’m retiring,” he spat like it was the filthiest word he knew.
Thomas surprised himself by laughing. It was a deep, belly laugh. “Sure from the White House staff, but we all know you'll move on to something else. The House maybe? Hamilton, you and I both know you're never going to truly retire. You're going to die at age 97 on the Senate floor after thoroughly dressing down Congress.”
Hamilton collapsed into the chair by the desk like his strings had been cut. “No, I’ve got two years.” Thomas opened his mouth to refute such a blatant lie, but he plowed on, “I'll never be able to successfully win any election, because that requires people to like you. Nobody likes me. No. I am un-electable. If I’m going to make my mark, I’ve got to do it now, while I’ve still got Washington backing me. Even if all I can do is write a weird little bank bill.”
Thomas feels ice crawl down his back, and even though he's never even considered it before, he suddenly knows it’s true. There's a handful of omegas in congress, but every single one is cute. Wholesome. Quiet. Every single one has a wife or husband and a gaggle of children. Hamilton has none of those things. He has a loud mouth and huge opinions and an inability to keep those opinions to himself. Most damning of all in the court of public opinion, he has a list of ex-lovers as long as his arm. He's not the kind of omega people like to see on TV.
“Moreover, I have very few positive connections. There is no one else who would be willing to hire me after we’re done in the White House. I make enemies everywhere I go. I have what I have because Washington trusts me. Sees what I can do. I've worked for him for twenty years. And in the beginning, I even had to fight for him to give me my due. I've been clinging to his coattails. I may be able to get some bullshit job to pay the bills after our term ends but probably never in politics again and definitely never somewhere with as much influence as I have now. I have fought tooth and nail for every single thing I have, and I've reached the end. I've peaked, and there's nowhere else for me to go. No, when George retires, so do I.”
Thomas feels the world shift beneath his feet. He'd never even considered Hamilton's future. He's never given a thought to how his gender might affect his career. He just assumed he'd always be hanging around DC, stirring up trouble and bothering everyone within hearing range. And if he'd been a beta, or hell, an alpha, Jefferson was positive Hamilton would be a thorn in his side until his dying day. But omegas get married, they have children, and then they leave the workforce.
He racked his brain for an omega that's over 40 still working in DC. He comes up with that same tragically short list of senators and representatives he'd thought of earlier. He thinks about the secretaries and assistants and baristas he sees around town. Every single one is a cute young thing, flirty and sweet the second they catch on that he's an unbonded alpha. Where do all the omegas go?
Surely they're not all chained to their stoves. They run charities and volunteer at hospitals, but are never on the payroll. They hang demurely on the arms of the people he rubs elbows with. They are mothers, PTA members, and soccer team chauffeurs. His own mother had never worked a day in her life.
But what if she had wanted to? She was brilliant, always keeping his father on his toes with their lively dinner debates. Would she have been happier with a career? How is this never a question he'd asked her when she was alive? How is this not a question he'd asked himself?
He's suddenly ashamed that he's 45 years old, and he just learned something so new and so big. He doubts she could have just gone out and gotten a job, certainly not one worthy of her intellect. Not back then, but if what Hamilton is saying is true, then maybe not even now.
Things are supposed to be different. It’s illegal to fire an omega when they get married or pregnant. It's illegal to discriminate against them during the hiring or promotion process. And before this very moment Thomas had never once considered the omega population's lack of upward mobility might not be due to genetic temperament and lack of desire.
But Hamilton certainly doesn't seem inclined to find a mate and settle down. And it's not that Thomas forgets he's an omega, it's just that it’s a lot easier to lump him in with the betas and alphas he knows. He's irritatingly bursting with ambition and pride. And if Hamilton can't have the career he deserves, how many other omegas are trapped in lives they don't want?  Not everyone has the strength of will to fly in the face of hundreds of years of social conditioning, middle fingers held high, verbal abuse cocked and loaded. Not everyone has the fortitude to claw their way to the top. He has been blind. Worse than that, he's been stupid. He stumbled over to his desk chair and collapsed much like Hamilton had.
What was that clause in the bill about omegas? Something about removing the forty-eight hour wait period on omega’s requesting large withdrawals from their bank accounts without an alpha or beta’s co-signature? And removing the bank’s ability to vet the purpose of the withdrawal and deny the withdrawal if they deem it irresponsible.
Everyone knows that omegas are bad with money, and poor at resisting temptation. That law is there for their protection. To keep them from-
The scent of distressed omega finally registers through his haze of thoughts, a citrus-y tang overpowering his usual sweetness. Because Hamilton is an omega. The omega White House Communications Director wrote a comprehensive bill about bank regulations. And while the man himself is very controversial (and exhausting), with his fighting and his Twitter tangents and mile long list of exes, he has the ear and the unwavering trust of the leader of the free world. If the goddamn White House Communications Director wants to withdraw a substantial sum of his own money, he has to ask the bank nicely.
“Jesus, Jefferson.” Hamilton was smirking. Why was he smirking, didn’t he know Thomas’ whole system of beliefs is a lie? “I didn’t realize the thought of me retiring would be so upsetting. Are you gonna miss me?” Read the rest of Chapter One Here
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spinejackel · 6 years
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I really really like the look of Copperhead/Sameer Park in Hell to Pay, but... he could be even more perfect and here’s three different versions of how that could work.
DC please hire me. I’m gay and I’m a monsterfucker. I know what’s Good. You showed us Batman’s dick DC, now stop being cowards and give us the monster men we deserve.
Bonus part 1: Some notes/up close of his face
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Bonus part 2: Comparison of the male Copperhead designs under the cut and very brief thoughts on them.
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stolligaseptember · 5 years
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For the people who write asks, 1, 7 and 9? :)
1. do you know how you want the story to end when you start, or are you just stumbling through the figurative wilderness hoping to find a road?
i’m one of those writers that always start with the ending. like, i always know where i want a story to end up, while the start and the road there is just a big old ???????? so yeah, the ending is actually one of the few things that i always have down when i start.
7. tell us about one of your characters who’s an absolute joy to write 
ngl, i really, really enjoy writing eira. because she’s just this big, massive fuck you to everything and everyone, and the complete opposite of everything that i am, and it’s just so much fun to get into the headset of “what if i had the capacity to just not give a single fuck about social conventions and what other people thought of me and just do whatever the fuck i wanted and say whatever popped into my head and damned be the consequences”. so yeah. eira’s fun.
9. what’s a series or franchise you secretly or not so secretly think you’d be, like, a REALLY good writers for if they’d stop being cowards and hire you already?
@dc hire me to write the arrowfam challenge.
ask me writer stuff!!
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