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zepskies · 2 years

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Damned If I Do

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Lisa Braeden

Look, I know how some people feel about Lisa lol. But I always thought she and Dean should've been endgame. She held him down when he couldn't do it himself, and he loved her and Ben so much. They all deserved more.

Summary: Lisa's thoughts as she fights for her life, and for her son, and this time for Dean. Word Count: 4,500 Warnings: Angst, hurt/comfort, fluff and feels

Damned If I Do

Lisa fought every damn inch she was dragged out of the splintered front door of her home.

She dug her heels into the cracks of the driveway and screamed until her throat ached, even with the large and sweaty hand clamped over her mouth.

It was broad daylight on a Sunday, yet none of the neighbors even came out of their houses to see Lisa and Ben Braeden being shoved into the backseat of a black sedan.

She held Ben to her like a lifeline and forced herself to breathe slowly. In through her nose and silently out through her mouth. Craning her head to glance through the back window, her wide brown eyes watched their house grow smaller and smaller until she had to swallow a lump of hysteria.

The image of her boyfriend of three weeks lying entirely still on her living room floor replayed over and over behind her eyes, his neck twisted into an impossible angle and blood dripping from his mouth.

Matt. They'd killed Matt. And they'd taken her and her son. They were probably going to kill her and Ben too.

"Mom," Ben whispered.

Lisa had never asked for this. All she'd ever wanted after Ben was born was a quiet life. A quiet and happy life that didn't include monsters and black sedans with leather seats that smelled like sulfur.

"Mom," Ben said more insistently. Lisa's attention snapped to her son, who was surprisingly calm, if still scared.

"It's gonna be okay," he promised. "I called Dean."

She couldn't help the rush of anger as well as relief that simultaneously coursed through her. Finally, after two months of fighting with herself and with Ben, after agonizing over that phone call for days (and the nights afterward, wide awake and crying), Lisa finally felt justified in her decision.

This was the reason they had never worked, and this was the reason she would take Ben and move them as far as she could get from anyone named Winchester when this was over.

If it's ever over, was what a voice in her mind whispered. She felt the hysteria coming back up like acid reflux and tears stinging her eyes, so she smothered it by pulling Ben into her arms again and kissing the top of his head.

No. She would not be weak. This would end, and it would be over her dead body if they didn't get their freedom back.

And she didn't care if her thoughts weren't making sense anymore either.

They drove for two hours. Lisa observed the man in the driver's seat and the man in the passenger seat, staring idly out the window. The driver was large and bald, while his partner was slightly taller with short dark hair, wearing a Pink Floyd shirt.

She knew they were monsters. She just inherently knew, just like she knew Dean had something to do with it. Because nothing this awful had ever happened to her without having to do with monsters. What kind of monsters, she had no idea.

They were strong enough to break down the door and looked like normal men, and that's about all she knew for certain. There was a darkness in their eyes that made her inwardly shiver, a wrongness to them. What she kept coming back to was the smell filling the entire car—musty and bitter. It reminded her of something Dean told her once.

Dean handed her a small vile of yellow powder. Lisa held it up to her face so she could view the grainy, yellow bits of powder inside. Though that proved to be a mistake as even with the lid closed, she caught a whiff of its contents and coughed, immediately holding it away.

She'd taken chemistry. She knew what sulfur was, just had never seen it before.

"Terrible, right?" he asked, smiling slightly.

"Ugh, here." She plugged her nose and handed the vile back to him. His expression turned serious, the way it did when he was showing her how to use a gun.

"If you ever smell that, you need to call me right away, all right?" His green eyes bore into hers with a gravity she'd seen only few times before. "And you don't stick around either. You run."

"What does sulfur mean?" she asked.

Demons. They were demons.

Lisa didn't realize she was holding her breath until her head began to pound with the strain. What did she know about demons? Dean had taught her precious little, but she knew one of their weaknesses was salt.

She didn't exactly have the contents of her pantry just lying around in her pockets, and she couldn't very well ask Ben if he had any—not with their captors so close. She would have to wait until they finally got wherever they were going. Speaking of which...

"Where are you taking us?" she demanded, fully aware that she should probably not be demanding anything. The driver's gaze flicked up at the reflection of her face in the rearview mirror.

Lisa inhaled sharply. Her grip on Ben's shoulder tightened as she looked into the man's black eyes, not a speck of white or iris in them. She heard Ben's small gasp.

"Just relax," the driver (demon) drawled. "We're almost there."

Lisa didn't know how the hell Dean was going to find them here. They were somewhere near Rochester, Minnesota (she'd paid close attention to the highway signs), pulling up into some abandoned factory on the side of the road.

The sun was beginning to set, and while being pulled out of the sedan, she had the thought that this might be the last glimpse of sunlight she would get for a while.

"Come on, sweetheart," Pink Floyd grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. "We've got a schedule to keep."

Only one man in her life had ever called her sweetheart.

In her mind, she remembered the shape of Dean's smile when she offered him a beer. When she was doing dishes, the rough, gentle touch of his hands when he came up from behind and smoothed down her shoulders. His lips would press just under her ear and whisper what they might get up to after dinner. Or before, if she was up for it (and she usually was).

"What do you want with us?" Lisa said, as loud as her voice could carry. She dug the heels of her scuffed shoes into the ground. She would fight this every inch of the way.

"Right now? To stop being a pain in my ass," he snapped. His fingers dug painfully into her shoulder and waist as he dragged her along, all but pushing her up a flight of rickety metal stairs. She kept looking back to check on Ben, who was making his way up behind her with the bald demon's meaty hand on his shoulder.

The stairs led into the old, dilapidated building and down to the cement floor once inside. She was pushed the last couple of steps and nearly tripped over her feet.

"Mom!" Ben began to rush toward her to help her from falling, but Baldy grabbed him by the back of his hoodie.

"Don't touch him!" Lisa yelled, but was prevented from reaching her son by Floyd grabbing hold of her arm.

"My, my. Such drama," a graveling voice drawled. Lisa's gaze swung to the top of the stairs. There a man in a trim black suit stood, seeming both amused and exasperated.

"Who the hell are you?" she spat. The man's lips twitched into a smile.

"Well, darling, I'm the reason you're still breathing. But call me Crowley, if you must," he said while making his descent on the stairs. "Do make the boy comfortable in the waiting room, George. I'd like a chat with our lady guest before I go."

She watched Baldy—or George—begin to lead Ben farther into the room while Floyd pushed her toward the door leading into a different room. It would leave Ben alone with a demon.

"No," Lisa said quickly, "No, please—"

"It'll just be for a minute, I promise," said Crowley. "You won't even remember being apart."

Ben looked over his shoulder at her, terrified. She felt hot tears well up in her eyes.

"Ben!"

The door slammed shut behind her, leaving her with two demons. She was released long enough for her to try and open the locked door, jiggling its handle fruitlessly.

Dean, where the hell are you?

"If he hurts him, I swear to God I'll—"

"Luke, if you would."

The moment she turned around was the moment the world spun and tilted on its axis, leaving her falling into the shadows of consciousness.

Ben…

Lisa woke slowly, like crawling out of a vat of peanut butter. She didn't know why peanut butter was what she thought of. Maybe because she hadn't eaten in several hours.

But the room was darkened by night falling outside. She could only tell because there were windows near the ceiling that were letting moonlight filter in, and this room was brighter earlier.

Ben. Where's Ben.

He's here.

Lisa was startled by the second thought that was definitely not her own, but she didn't jump from where she sat on the floor with her hands tied behind her back. She felt something like a wall against her back, but couldn't move her hands to feel it or turn her head to see it.

She couldn't move her own body.

The hysteria bile was coming back up...or it would have. But she couldn't even properly freak out. Her breathing was steady.

Oh, relax. You're fine…relatively speaking.

Who…who are you? What's happening?

It's me, sweetheart. Let's just say the Boss needed a little…insurance, if your boyfriend shows up.

If she could have, Lisa would've started hyperventilating. She couldn't control her body and she couldn't even see if Ben was okay, and suddenly she wished she'd let Dean talk her into getting that goddamn tattoo.

I like it in here. It's so…roomy.

She wanted to throw up.

Nuh uh, none of that. Look.

"Ben," Luke whispered, using her voice.

"Yeah?" the boy answered.

"You okay?"

"…Yeah. I'm okay."

"Good." Lisa's eyes turned to Ben sitting next to her, and she smiled weakly. "It's gonna be okay, honey."

"Yeah," Ben said, nodding.

Inside, Lisa was horrified.

You're sick! Let me go!

Fucking hell, shut up already. The demon's annoyance resonated in Lisa's mind like an oily echo. But then, she sensed his attention drift, then sharpen. Something was wrong.

Hmm. Sounds like Winchester found you faster than the Boss hoped.

There were sounds of struggle coming from outside, and it wasn't long before the other two demons that went to investigate were killed by one Dean Winchester. Were Lisa in control of her body, her breath would've hitched at the sight of him, furious and worried and relieved at seeing her.

"Dean, thank God," Lisa's voice greeted him when Dean hastened to cut through the ropes tying her wrists together with a knife Lisa recognized. She was screaming at him to stop, to take Ben and get this thing out of her before she hurt either of them.

Ya know, I don't think he can hear you, the demon taunted.

"Let's get you outta here," Dean said and quickly moved on to cutting Ben's ropes. "Okay. Okay let's go."

He helped the boy up and started leading him out the way they came in, but Lisa's hand shot out and grabbed both Ben and Dean's knife faster than the hunter could react.

"The brat's not going anywhere," said Luke, who hooked an arm around Ben's neck and held the knife there threateningly. "And neither am I."

Lisa couldn't know that her eyes were flashing black, but she had a feeling they were. Dean slightly flinched upon looking at her face.

"Crowley thought you might come. So he had me jump this hot little piece of ass for insurance," the demon said. "Can't go losing our leverage, can we?"

That made Dean angry enough to start forwards, even though he was now unarmed. The demon made a sound of protest.

"One more step: free appendectomy," Luke said, and poised the knife against Ben's neck. Dean immediately stopped.

"You know, she's awake in here, your mom," the demon whispered softly to Ben. The boy looked up at his mom's face with fearful eyes. "I can hear her thinking."

"Don't listen to her, Ben," Dean said. His voice wavered just slightly, and it made Lisa's heart break. She could see his emotions roiling, despite how much she knew he was trying to be strong for her son.

It was then that she understood why they had moved. Why Dean had always double-checked the locks on all the doors in the house and spray painted sigils under the rugs that she'd stupidly allowed to fade. Why he had agonized over his decision to stay or to go. Why he made sure she knew how to shoot a gun, and what sulfur smelled like before he left for good.

This was Dean's worst nightmare.

"What?" The demon grinned. "I was just gonna tell him that you're his real Daddy."

Dean's face went slack, and even Lisa became quiet in the recesses of her mind.

"At least, she thinks so," Luke added. "Her brain was kinda foggy around that time. So who knows who your real dad is, kid. You're mom's a slut."

"You shut your mouth," Dean grated out.

"Oh, what? You're her White Knight now?" The sound of Lisa's mocking laugh made her feel sick. "She wishes she never met you, Dean. You were the worst mistake she ever made."

Stop it, Lisa shouted. Her heart was shattering, seeing that look in Dean's eyes. Like he'd already told himself those exact words.

Please, stop.

The demon glanced down at Ben's wide and almost tearful eyes.

"Second worst…besides keeping you."

"It's not your mom, Ben," Dean reminded. "She's lying."

"Says the C- lay with ten miles of daddy issues," the demon mocked. "Whatever gets you through the night, Tiny Tim."

Dean grew angry enough to advance, to try anything to get Ben out of her hands.

"Ah-ah—back off, cowboy," Luke said, Lisa's hand tightening on the knife. He then leaned down to Ben's ear. "She's begging me to kill you. She says you hold her back. Never had a lick of fun since you were born."

STOP! Lisa screamed, but was effectively ignored. None of it was true, and she had no way of fighting back. She could only be grateful to Dean, who always, always protected her son.

"Ben," Dean interrupted, fiddling with something in his pocket. "Look at me, look at me. You're gonna be just fine."

Ben nodded shakily, then ducked when Dean threw holy water at Lisa's face, burning the demon within. Finally Ben was out of relative danger, and he grabbed the knife when the demon kicked it out of Dean's reach. Dean wouldn't throw a single punch, despite being egged on by Luke.

"What's the matter, Dean? Hit me," the demon shouted. "Oh…you don't wanna hurt poor Lisa."

"Exorcizamus te," Dean began. "Omnis immundus spirtius—"

"Shut your mouth," Luke cut him off by throwing a right hook across his face. Dean crashed into a nearby table of rusty tools and braced himself on its edge.

He continued the exorcism through bloody teeth. "Omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii—"

Lisa was starting to feel lightheaded. She could feel the demon's pain and anger, until that anger surged forward and her hands were wrapping themselves around Dean's throat. Dully in the background were Crowley's embedded warnings (threats) not to harm either of the Winchesters.

"Stop it," Luke warned.

It didn't occur to Lisa that she could hear the demon's thoughts too, but in her growing alarm and her screaming for the demon to stop, she remembered Sam. He and Dean had probably come here together, so where was he?

"I'm warning you…" The demon squeezed harder on Dean's throat, trying to cut off the words from his windpipe. Dean clutched at Lisa's hand and stared back murderously.

"You can go to hell, you black-eyed bitch."

Lisa couldn't warn Dean as her hand grabbed for a metal tool for scraping plaster off of the table, and she felt the pain of stabbing herself, while unable to cry out.

The demon laughed.

Ben shouted for her, and Dean flinched, looking as if he would've cried out for her too. He reluctantly finished the exorcism and caught Lisa before she hit the ground, but suddenly she could see the world around her so much more clearly.

The coppery taste of blood was in her mouth as she stared up at Dean and found herself wanting to touch his cheek. His eyes looked so pained, she just wanted to let him know it would be okay. It wasn't that bad.

"Here, put pressure here." He stuffed a balled piece of cloth into her hand and pressed it into the hole in her stomach, and she couldn't help but whimper as stars burst into her line of vision.

Fuck, that hurt like hell.

"I know, sweetheart. I know," he murmured, and dialed a number on his cell phone. "Sam! Where are you, damn it!"

Where's Sam? she thought, but soon she didn't have time to think as new pain bloomed in her abdomen at being lifted into Dean's arms. Distantly she heard him instructing Ben how to shoot the salt gun he'd picked up from the floor.

Once upon a time, she might've been angry about that, but now she was wondering why Dean had never taken him to the shooting range. Ben would've loved that.

Lisa sometimes tried to speak while Dean was hefting her around everywhere, though she didn't know what they were looking for. Maybe they were looking for Sam.

"S-Sorry," she whispered. For not thinking things through. For not trying harder to get through to him on what he was going through when Sam came back. All those times she could tell he was lying to her face, or just refusing to tell her what was going on.

Dean didn't hear her right away, but briefly he looked down at her like she was crazy. He bowed his head to her. "Just relax, Lis. I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?"

She meant to agree, but what came out was a pained whimper.

She might've blacked out for a few minutes, because when her eyes next opened, she was pressed into Dean's side in the Impala. She knew it was the Impala because the leather smelled like him.

"—ey, stay awake for me, sweetheart. Open your eyes," he whispered, gentle, but panicked. "Don't fall asleep."

"Sorry."

"Don't be, it's gonna be okay."

"…Wasn't me, Dean."

"What?" Dean asked, but seemed to think better of it. "It's all right, don't talk. I've got you."

"No," Lisa insisted. She had to get this out before she passed out again, and she could feel herself fading. If these were the last words she ever said to him, she'd be damn sure they were good ones.

"I don't regret it," she managed. "Not you."

The last thing she felt was his shuddering breath against her cheek, and his cool lips on her forehead.

Lisa felt warm. Her whole body, sluggish and slow and warm. She felt herself being pulled into consciousness, only dimly aware of clicking sounds, beeping, and hushed voices only beginning to make sense.

"'rase me from her mem…ries. Like I…never there."

Dean?

"She and Ben…never met me."

"Are you sure?"

What…

"Do it."

The bricks on her eyelids lifted just enough for her to open her eyes.

So she did.

It was just in time to see a pair of blue eyes widen. The hand reaching for her head retreated.

And then she realized there was a tube in her mouth and it was becoming hard to breathe as she gagged. Shortly after, the room was flooded with nurses trying to prevent her from choking. Once the room stopped swirling around, Dean was at her side, and Ben wasn't.

Dean tried to smile, she smiled back. A small one, but a real one. She saw the beginning of tears in his eyes, but he stubbornly blinked them away.

"Ben?" she croaked, and winced at the sound of her own voice.

"He's gettin' you some water."

Then his gaze wandered away from hers, and his smile faded.

"Dean," she prompted, earning his attention back. "What happened when I woke up? Who...who was that man?"

For a moment he looked tempted to lie, but she made sure he could see in her eyes that she would only accept the truth. Maybe he couldn't get it out. The blue-eyed man was gone, though.

She'd let it slide for the moment, but if the drugs let her remember, she'd be getting an answer on that later.

"Lisa, I'm sorry," he said. She saw the depth of his guilt in every line of his face. "I'm so sorry about this, it's...it's why I left."

"I get it," she said. Because this time, she really did.

"I meant it," she added, because she couldn't help it. Even though it hurt her throat. "What I said."

Dean knew what she was talking about. She could see it in the flickers of conflict across his face. His lips pursed.

"Lisa—"

"I do regret some things I said before. Before we…before I ended it," Lisa said. "I was so mad at you…God, Dean. I was mad as hell. The way you kept me in the dark all the time. You kept lying to me, when we were supposed to be in this together."

"I never lied to you," he denied.

"You never told me the truth about what was going on. That's the definition of lying."

Dean looked down at the wires connecting her body to the machines on her left, the IV in her arm. His guilt just kept mounting, because he knew she was right.

"You're a hunter, and I wanted to believe you could be happy with a normal life," she continued. "But when I knew you wouldn't be, I didn't want to be a part of something I…didn't understand."

With the little strength she felt coming back to her limbs, she reached over and touched Dean's cold hand. He sighed and held her hand more securely in his. He allowed her to tug him down to the edge of her hospital bed, and he sat facing her.

The knowledge that she would be all right didn't quell the fact that she almost wasn't, and it hurt him deeply to see her small frame dwarfed by a hospital bed and all these monitors and wires.

He'd spent the past few months convincing himself he'd never see this woman again. So it was a unique kind of torture to just sit here and wait for the inevitable moment where he would have to leave, when every fiber in his being wanted to shred at the thought.

"I understand better now," Lisa said. "And while it's…scary beyond fucking belief. It also sounds...really lonely."

Dean stared down at their entwined fingers for a moment, before he found the strength to meet her gaze.

"That's why it's better if I go," he said. "For good this time."

Lisa deflated. Emotion rose up in her throat, threatening to choke her, and her eyes began to sting. "Why?"

"You know why, Lis." Dean rubbed his face with his free hand. "You and Ben…just by knowing me, you're in danger."

"So it shouldn't matter how far you go," she said quietly. Dean stilled.

"Dean, I've tried to forget you." Lisa shook her head. "I just…I can't. Truth is…I don't want to."

Dean looked away from her, seemingly anywhere but her. And it hurt.

She realized how much it must've hurt him when she turned her back on him.

At the time, she'd felt more than a little justified, after being told half-truths over and over. Being fed the same lame-ass excuses for why he wasn't coming home when he said he was, why Sam couldn't just come back with him.

Being scared every day that she would get a call from Sam, telling her Dean was dead.

Ben being pushed was just what sent her over the edge.

But the more she thought about it, really thought about it…she hadn't wanted to know what her boyfriend was doing. What she was sure was life-threatening and bloody and horrifying. The stuff of her nightmares.

But Dean had always asked for so little.

Lisa had come to know that he was a family man at heart. All he'd wanted was to keep what he had. All of his family.

"You don't deserve that…neither does Ben," she said. "And neither do I."

It was a while before he answered. She could almost see his mind working, sifting between pros and cons and weighing just how much of a bad idea it was.

She wondered what Sam would think. His opinion would definitely sway Dean, as much as she disliked the thought. But if he was anything like his brother, then maybe there was a chance.

Even now, she could see Sam talking in the hallway with her son. Both were smiling, and she had a feeling Sam was trying to buy them time to talk. She was grateful.

Dean sighed. "We've tried this before, Lis."

He looked ready to let go of her hand, but she wasn't ready. She hadn't been ready when she first let him go either, but she'd realized it too late. Lisa could've died tonight without ever having apologized.

Her tears finally fell, streaming one by one down her face. She'd told herself that she would never cry about Dean again. But she supposed that was a lie too.

"Ben loves you." Her voice shook, but the way he unconsciously tightened his grip on her hand made her smile.

"And misses you," she said, wiping her eyes with her free hand. She smiled. "So much. I can't fault him for it, because I do too. I just can't ever admit to anything."

He had to know that she loved him. They'd never said the words, but they had never really needed them. Though she still felt terrible about Matt, and knew she needed to call his family once they were leaving the hospital, she knew they had never even come close. He had been a good man that didn't deserve to die, and she would miss his friendship...

Maybe Ben didn't need a father to become a good man. Maybe Lisa didn't need a man to live a good life. But she'd be damned if they lost Dean again.

"I miss him too," Dean admitted, though there was something in his eyes she couldn't name when he looked into hers. "He's a good kid."

Your kid, she couldn't help but think, and she bit her lip. She knew he'd heard the demon loud and clear. Lisa almost thought he would ask.

He didn't. Not yet. A conversation for another time, when she was stronger.

"So what do we do?" she asked.

Dean hesitated.

Then he let go of her hand with a sigh. Just so he could press the palm of his warmed hand to her cheek.

She smiled. He smiled back, and then gave in to the bone-deep desire to lean in towards her lips.

When he kissed her, it was gentle but familiar. It felt like hello again, and also...

I'm home.

Her lips still remembered what he tasted like, and the warmth of that knowing traveled all the way down to her toes.

"Okay," he agreed, resting his forehead against hers.

"You sure?" she whispered.

He gave a weak smirk. "I'm damned if we don't."

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