Married Single Mothers
A married single mother is a married woman with kids, usually in a dual-income household, who receives no help from her husband with cooking, cleaning, or childcare, such that the way she spends her time - take kids to daycare, go to work, pick kids up, make dinner, put kids to bed, clean (maybe), go to bed - looks like it would if she were a single mother.
Back In The Day(TM) when a dual-income household looked more like a man working a strenuous or high-stress job for long hours, while his wife worked part time, or perhaps full-time in something that was low stress or didn't pay a lot, maybe it could be justified that he could come home, crack open A Beer, sit in the Recliner, and watch The Big Game with no asks or responsibilities. After all, they had a big yard for him to cut, a picket fence to keep painted, two cars to keep up, and a "Honey Do" list.
To avoid rehashing the history of work hours them over time, and the factor of profession choice, here are two sources if you don't already know what I'm talking about:
https://eh.net/encyclopedia/hours-of-work-in-u-s-history/
https://www.bls.gov/opub/mlr/1997/04/art1full.pdf
Now, however, the gap between men and women's hours worked and the type of work they're doing is closing. If there's a couple who are bringing home similar wages at a non-management desk job, and maybe she works 40 hours and he works 44 hours. It's really hard to argue why that 4 extra hours of work justifies him watching TV, hanging out with friends, or doing his hobbies instead of helping with childcare or other "indoor chores". If they're urban renters, he can't even claim that more strenuous but less frequent chores like home repairs, cutting the grass or fixing the cars compensate for not cooking, cleaning, or raising his kids. Oh you take the trash to the dumpster? So does the 60 year old lady down the hall?
As I usually do, I'll start by blaming the Victorians by democratizing upper-class gender roles because, now displaced from their farms and having their work taken away by machines and mass production, middle class women had nothing to do. Now, working was just for the poor, and middle-class Victorian identity revolved a great deal around not looking poor. What were they supposed to do all day? Definitely not become rigorously educated or political active...At the same time, child labor was outlawed (considering factories and mines are different from family farms, justifiably so) and children became "economically worthless but emotionally priceless". So, like eugenics and breeding fucked-up-looking dogs, a contrived version of floral saccharine motherhood became the status quo -- be dedicate the whole of one's being, identity, purpose, and existence to raising children.
The 1950s were almost like a Renaissance of this ideal, likely as a reflexive response to men being away in the hell that is war. Women who may not have chosen to do so under any other circumstances were working in factories, filling in other jobs men left for the war, and having to live in relative austerity due to wartime rationing and shortages. A lot of men returning from the war were lonely and homeless, and they'd spent their time away living in inhospitable concrete bunkers and mud holes, constantly surrounded by death and destruction, and not knowing if they will go home at all (would home even be there when they returned?). Women whose husbands or boyfriends were drafted spent all that time wondering if that man could be dead. Single women had to mostly put their romantic lives on hold. When the war ended, most people was overcompensating toward cocooning and romanticization of home, social order, and family life.
Do I blame them? Not necessarily.
Has it still had unintended negative consequences? Yeah.
Trad LARPers idealize the 1950s when it was actually a very exceptional time. On one hand, it was the result of a psychological reaction against WWII. On the other, it was a time of unprecedented economic prosperity -- and what goes up must come down. I'm not an economist but I do subscribe to the cyclical view of history and even if the general trend line of something like GDP trends upward, it has to go down to some extent to move upward.
https://ourworldindata.org/female-labor-supply
Women's labor participation in the US and UK had marginally increased from pre-WWII to post-war. Interestingly, Germany had about 15-20% higher female labor participation than the US since about 1895, which also increased gradually during the pre-WWII era, and peaked during Kinder, Küche, Kirche Nazi rule before returning to a similar level as 1895, where it remained until the 1980s. It's not as simple as every Western woman was once fulfilled as a docile tradwife, then Betty Friedan wrote a book, and then the fabric of society was torn asunder by the Boss Babe Apocalypse.
If not feminism, then what do I think made it so hard for families to live on a single income - gender of the earner irrelevant - and made things so generally unaffordable?
Three words: The Powell Memo.
I would caution against taking the memo at face value as many do, as an earnest call for business leaders to defend themselves against Communists and Fascists who hate "free enterprise". Rather, it can be read as an emotional fear-mongering call for businesses to weaponize the government to, really, take over the country in a multi-pronged effort which resulted in neoconservative and arguably neoliberalism.
At timestamp 48:17 Historiansplaining starts analyzing the memo and placing it in the larger context. Please listen to it. It's comfortable to listen to at 2x speed so it's not that long. There are shorter views but they are extremely biased and not near as nuanced as this one.
The banking industry is a problem. Obviously having the most people with the most debt possible that they're still able to reliably pay on is in the interest of banks. If it exists, there's a loan for it. Credit card debt is a huge problem for Americans. The 30 year mortgage was introduced with the New Deal to help destitute people buy houses, now most people who buy houses use a 30 year mortgage to have remotely affordable payments. There are now 50 year mortgages and those will be the "new normal" if the trend doesn't reverse.
Part of the housing cost crisis is due to 1920s-1060s zoning restrictions created to protect property values, but also to create de facto class- and race-segregated neighborhoods. I'm not the type of person to argue that it's a human right to live in downtown LA or Manhattan, but if it's possible and desired to build affordable housing in a certain place and the only thing preventing it is zoning law, lobbyists, or NIMBY Karens, then that's a problem that can and should be addressed.
The auto industry and adjacent corporations lobbied urban planners to design in a way that would encourage or force people to buy their products. We have the automakers weighing in on efficiency standards such that, instead of like every other country that bases efficiency on weight, American cars are based on footprint which gives automakers leeway to sell more profitable SUVs. Do we need screens and cameras in our cars? No, but people who want new cars don't have another option. Can't afford it? Some companies (ex. Nissan) have moved from 7- to 10-year car loans. By the time you've paid your car off, the transmission will have turned into a tube of K'Nex and it'll be time to finance another one.
College loans, whether they're through a bank or the government -- universities win because they got your money. The Boomers were the last generation to be able to pay for their tuition with a summer job flipping burgers. The midcentury expansion of federal lending - which like the 30 year mortgage started as a measure strictly for the very poor - has caused tuition to fill the space allotted. Useless majors and required electives have exploded since the federal student loan expansion.
Speaking of which, credential inflation means that not only do you have to pay more for college, but you have to go longer just to access the same jobs. In some fields, someone with a Masters degree and the debt to go with it may end up earning just a bit more than the hypothetical $15/hour minimum wage.
The majority of Americans live in a state of debt slavery as a result of what some may call "crony capitalism" but I prefer "economic Fascism" because a) The F-Word makes a lot of people uncomfortable and b) it's technically true. Corporatism, the economic facet of Fascism is defined as "the organization of society by corporate groups, such as agricultural, labour, military, business, scientific, or guild associations, on the basis of their common interest".
If we don't live in economic Fascism, then what the fuck would we be doing different?
After addressing the contrivance that is gender roles-as-we-know-them and going on a meander through economics, I'll now acknowledge my digression and return to the topic of married single mothers.
Due to these economic conditions, most households with kids are dual income by necessity. Tradcons like to portray dual-income households as self-indulgently depriving their kids of an at-home parent for the sake of affording a bigger house, nicer cars, or more vacations. That's not the case and most dual-income households are that way moreso to afford necessities, and I don't think it's reasonable to expect a whole family to move into one of their parents' house, get on benefits, or live in a van just to be able to be able to afford being single-income.
In general, the root of the problem, unsurprisingly, is the mismatch between neo-midcentury ways of doing things and the reality of The Current Year.
The neo-midcentury way goes somewhat like: go to college for your Passion. Get an advanced degree because - don't worry - you will be able to get a high paying job and the debt won't be a problem if the name on your diploma is a Very Good one. Just go to college. Just get a degree.
Like the mainstream media tells you, look for Love At First Sight. Don't be a buzz-kill who thinks or talks about your future plans until at least 6 months into the relationship when you're afraid to leave due to sunk-cost fallacy and secretly afraid to commit due to FOMO. Time to get married. This is such a special time to have your first debt together. Make sure you have a credit card to put your honeymoon on.
Move to a high-demand area, but not so high-demand that you can't afford it obviously. You're going to want to move to the second most popular area so your commute can be between 1-2 hours and your mortgage will assure you live paycheck to paycheck. Because you're commuting for so much of the day, you'll need a nice car, so definitely buy it new.
Now it's time to have a kid. Everything you've done to this point, you find, has set you up in one way or another for failure. It would be cheaper for one to stay home, but their future earnings would be at risk and it's too expensive to pay for two student loans with one paycheck. Plus his spreadsheet job is just so much more important than your spreadsheet job. Because why? Because it just is. You've already moved a few hour drive away from any relatives who could help with childcare.
"Did we really agree to have kids? Did we really want it to be like this? Or were we just going through the motions, smiling and nodding to the expectations of society and our parents?" you wonder as the 18 month old in your arms noticeably shits their diaper and hits you in the face with a sippy cup while you stoop to pick up the dino nugget the 3 year old has dropped over and over again while some Cocomelon bullshit plays on their greasy, sticky iPad...all while your husband plays Elden Ring in the next room. You call out for help. Did he really not hear you, or does he want plausible deniability. Who is this man you married?
But wait...your vision is black with a glowing orange circle above. You hear distant music. You open your eyes...
"Destination wedding? Cocomelon? Married single mom? What are you talking about? You must have hit your head hard," says a teenager with greasy black hair and a Korn t-shirt.
They extend their hand and help you off the ground. You stand.
"Come on, we're gonna miss Hatebreed."
I'm not an antinatalist, so I lean toward most people probably should at least consider having kids. I, for one, want the human species to persist. People who don't are pretty cringe -- black-pilled about the environment, or they're mad that they were born without their consent (?) because they have to wake up every day and experience First World Problems.
Who we decide to marry is possibly the most important decision we make. More than where we live or what profession we choose. We're caught between the old-fashioned way that works under a specific set of circumstances that largely don't apply anymore, and a modern way that is little more than a reactionary movement against the social mores of Old People without considering life beyond age 27.
As Nietzsche foretold (PBUH), modernity puts us in a position with no easy answers. We don't have a god telling us what our values are and what we should do with ourselves, and existing with so many possibilities is almost more dangerous and burdensome in a way than having a pre-determined system like tradition. The boundary between good and evil isn't always clear and it's rarely straight. Many enemies take many forms; they can appear as anything and can speak from both sides of their mouth at the same time.
Freedom is very hard because you're not just yourself. You are yourself and god at the same time. It's not as simple as obeying a disembodied voice anymore. I'm not blaming married single moms at all for the position they find themselves in because they're victims of society. People who were supposed to be giving them good advice were giving conflicted and outdated advice, and probably acting out the old axiom that misery loves company.
I really have a beef with the Boomers, too, for normalizing the idea that being married is hell -- the end of one's individuality and anything they once enjoyed or valued. When society holds up doing the bare minimum - it's miserable but it's not outright abusive - as what young people should expect from marriage, it means the young people aren't looking for or insisting on better for themselves.
Women get accused of having unrealistic standards. "They all want a man who's 6' tall, has 6-pack abs, and makes 6 figures!" Fair enough, that's statistically a rare type and not enough to go around to all the women who want that. However, any time a woman has any standards beyond the absolute bare minimum - not physically abusive, not addicted to substances in a functionally detrimental way, has a job, has all his appendages, can walk and talk - it gets compared to asking for a "666 man".
When women complain (rightly) about being a married single mom or the "double shift", particularly tradcon and redpill men will say, "ACKSHYUALLY you don't want a man to help with chores because such and such statistic says women will go bang Alpha Tyrone if their man does chores, so you don't know what you want and you'll actually be happier if you do all chores and childcare yourself because that's what makes women fulfilled."
That's a convenient conclusion to reach.
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
-- Mark Twain
People can't want different things, too. Women aren't a monolith. I definitely believe too there are women who don't know what they want. A lot of people in general are running on societal programming that, on some level they recognize is herding them off a cliff, but they don't have the vocabulary - they don't even have the gastalt(?) - to describe what is happening.
There's a very good faith contingent of the men's rights movement that's expressing very admirable sentiments that are compatible with what the good faith contingent of what feminists are saying.
They're saying: "Why are we assumed to be expendable? Why is it shameful for a man to say he wants to stay home and raise a family? Why is a man's worth still based on how much money he makes? Why do some people assume that if a man is interacting with a kid in public that he's a predator? Why are chores and childcare seen as emasculating?"
Some people can believe in and live according to traditional gender roles, which is their business, but there's a missed opportunity here. Many women find conflict between wanting a family and pursuing their career, and/or want a more equitable distribution of housework in dual-income households; and there is a portion of men who would like to be able to care less about their career and more about their family, or they want to raise a family and don't care about work at all.
To the extent that men - or a particular man - are held to a traditional gender role, any woman who involves herself will be expected to fill the complementary support role. In a society where dual-income households are economically mandatory, women can't fulfill that role whether the individual woman wants to or not. Even if she would otherwise enjoy childcare and chores as a SAHM if the choice were available, adding full-time work to that- no one has the mental bandwidth for that.
While the interim quasi-solution for this requires, on an individual level, women to be pragmatic and creative, to look beyond the inadequate guidance of people who grew up in completely different conditions - who arguably didn't even do that fucking great for themselves - "just make better choices" doesn't fix the problem.
The push for women to enter the workforce wasn't accompanied by an equal push for men to enter the home, and I'm going to dedicate a post to that.
1 note
·
View note
The stark brutality of chattel slavery is absent in today's world, but the systemic inequities and hidden forms of economic control persist, albeit in different forms. By comparing the conditions of historic slaves with modern working-class people it becomes apparent that economic exploitation and wealth disparity need to be at the forefront of today's political discourse.
Continuities:
Labor exploitation: Both systems extract disproportionate value from a specific group's labor for the benefit of others. Slaves were forced to work without compensation, while many modern workers face low wages, precarious employment, and limited bargaining power, leaving them susceptible to exploitation.
Wealth disparity: Both systems exacerbate wealth inequality. Slaves had no ownership of their labor or its fruits, while the wealth generated by modern workers often concentrates at the top of the economic pyramid, creating a widening gap between rich and poor.
Limited mobility: Both systems restrict upward mobility for the exploited group. Slaves were legally bound to their owners, while modern systemic barriers like discriminatory hiring practices, inadequate education, and debt-based control can confine individuals to lower economic strata.
Psychological impact: Both systems can inflict psychological harm. Slaves endured constant dehumanization and fear of violence, while modern workers can face chronic stress, anxiety, and powerlessness due to precarious employment and economic insecurity.
Transformations:
Formal freedom: Modern workers have legal freedoms and autonomy denied to slaves. They can choose their employers, negotiate wages, and participate in civic life.
Social mobility channels: While limited, some avenues for upward mobility exist in modern society through education, skills training, and entrepreneurial ventures, which were largely unavailable to slaves.
Social safety nets: Modern societies typically have some form of social safety net, albeit often inadequate, providing limited protections like unemployment benefits or healthcare access, which were absent for slaves.
Transformation of control: Control in modern systems is often more subtle and diffuse, operating through debt, lack of ownership, and market forces rather than overt coercion.
Hidden "Economic Slavery":
The concept of "economic slavery" suggests that modern systems can still perpetuate forms of exploitation similar to historical slavery, albeit less visibly. This can manifest in:
Debt traps: Predatory lending practices and high-interest rates can trap individuals in cycles of debt, effectively controlling their labor and choices.
Wage theft: Employers who deny overtime pay, minimum wage, or other earned wages essentially steal from their workers.
Exploitative labor practices: In some industries, migrant workers or marginalized groups face unsafe working conditions, low wages, and limited legal protections, resembling forms of forced labor.
Limited ownership: Lack of access to affordable housing, land, or productive assets limits economic agency and perpetuates dependence on wage labor.
Unveiling and Addressing Systemic Inequities:
Acknowledging the continuities and transformations is crucial for addressing the enduring legacies of economic exploitation. We need to:
Strengthen workers' rights: Promote fair wages, secure employment, and protections against exploitation.
Reduce wealth inequality: Implement progressive taxation, address wage gaps, and promote wealth-building opportunities for marginalized groups.
Increase social mobility: Invest in education, training, and infrastructure to provide equal opportunity for upward mobility.
Challenge systemic biases: Address discriminatory practices in hiring, lending, and access to resources.
Support worker movements: Encourage worker organization and collective bargaining to empower workers and advocate for their rights.
By recognizing the hidden forms of economic control and tackling their root causes, we can work towards a more equitable future where everyone has the opportunity to benefit from their labor and participate fully in society.
9 notes
·
View notes