#defense mechanisms

[twilightcitysky]

Everything Is Meant (long S2 analysis, part 3)

Part one

Part two

There's SO MUCH excellent meta out there right now, and I'm going to try not to reinvent the wheel too much, but I want to keep going with tying the episodes/ elements up together because on first watch it wasn't entirely clear how everything fit. I also strongly recommend a rewatch, no matter what you felt about the ending... if you need to stop it 10 minutes early, do that, but you pick up so much more the second time around.

So: Maggie and Nina. I spent most of my first watch wondering why we were bothering with them, honestly. Later in the season Nina, and then Maggie and Nina, gave Crowley some insightful advice, but their actual relationship didn't progress despite all the meddling, and the amount of emotional investment BOTH Aziraphale and Crowley had in making them get together was frankly strange.

I started thinking in terms of mirror couples, since that was such a big deal in S1 and that's clearly what they were set up to be, but I made the mistake that all of us made on first watch: that Nina was Crowley and Maggie was Aziraphale. It still wasn't really coming together.

Then I put the psych hat back on and started to think about displacement. Displacement is a defense mechanism, and it consists of satisfying an impulse (usually an unconscious one) with a substitute object. At the beginning of the season, Aziraphale and Crowley aren't really in a good place, and I think on some level they know that. Aziraphale is trying to SHOW Crowley that he wants to take the next step through all the casual touches and phone calls and inviting him in, and feeling frustrated because Crowley doesn't seem to be taking the bait. (I absolutely think that Aziraphale tried to get Crowley to stay with him at the bookshop instead of living in his CAR, and Crowley said no. That's a whole other meta.) Meanwhile, Crowley, I think, is waiting for a Grand Gesture. Where did he go, as soon as Aziraphale brought up trying to get two humans to fall in love? Romantic tropes. Getting caught in the rain under an awning. A dramatic kiss that opens someone's eyes. That's the sort of thing he's always done, right? Big rescues, impassioned pleas on the street, fancy dinners, "give you a lift anywhere you want to go". He's defensive and guarded and unlikely to let someone in unless he's CERTAIN he won't be rejected, and Aziraphale's approaches are just too... quiet. No one's fault, they just don't speak the same language.

Then, they're handed the opportunity to make two humans fall in love, and they're both All In immediately. Look at Crowley's face when he summons the rainstorm. This is HUGE for him. Why? Because of displacement. Look at Aziraphale arranging the ball and being borderline deranged about it. They're both desperate to demonstrate what they think it takes for two people to move past their misunderstandings and fall in love. They can't do it for each other because the stakes are too high, and if either of them shows their cards unequivocally the vulnerability feels life-shattering. They're codependent and terrified of rejection and also, importantly, have no idea what they're doing when it comes to love. "Saw it in a film", Crowley says. Aziraphale's read about it in books. But they have zero practical experience.

Instead of learning to communicate, they try to say what they want to say through the medium of Maggie and Nina, up to and including the questionable moral decision to exert control over people's actions and thoughts during the ball. If I can just make this come out right, they both think, then things between us will be alright too. It HAS to come out right. They're attempting to gain some control over their own lives, over something that feels so overwhelming and shattering they can't look directly at it.

It doesn't come out right. Nina's relationship falls apart, but that doesn't mean she's in love with Maggie. While Crowley's stress-cleaning the bookshop to the music that played when Aziraphale got his books back in 1941 (just fuck me up David Arnold), they come in and tell him so. "I don't understand", says Crowley. Because it should have worked. Why didn't it work?

They tell him, of course. "You need to talk to each other. Say what you're really thinking." But here's the thing about communication: you have to learn it. You need to get the hang of expressing your feelings without blaming your partner, and separating intent from impact, and staying away from getting defensive and lashing out. No one has ever taught Aziraphale and Crowley how to do this. It's like Maggie and Nina put Crowley in front of a loom and asked him to recreate the Bayeux Tapestry. He doesn't have the skills; he's always going to get it wrong, even if he tries his hardest.

And he does try. But that's where Maggie and Nina the mirror couple, rather than Maggie and Nina the displacement relationship or Maggie and Nina the Greek chorus, come in. Aziraphale, as Nina, has just ended an incredibly toxic, invasive relationship with Heaven. A relationship that invaded every facet of his life, isolated him, and prevented him from being close to anyone else. "Rebound mess," Nina says. Aziraphale is a rebound mess. He's transferred the responsibility for his emotional wellness to Crowley. Crowley is the person he calls when he's in trouble, or (and this is key) when he wants to report a clever/ good thing he's done, or when he's bored. (At no point did Crowley reference Aziraphale calling him for a solicitous reason-- another problem.) Crowley is meant to take care of him. He forgets, I think, that Crowley is a person with his own wants and needs, just like Maggie and Nina are people with their own wants and needs who don't appreciate being messed with. (I think things would have been much different had Aziraphale BEEN THERE for Maggie and Nina's talk with Crowley, but he wasn't.)

And Maggie-as-Crowley? Lonely. Behind on rent, at risk of being evicted (it's important to note that Aziraphale saves Maggie from losing her record shop, as he couldn't save Crowley from losing his flat). Pining. Awkward. Revolving around Nina like a planet, to the extent that we don't get much of an impression of her otherwise. They realize, there at the end, that they both need to round themselves out before jumping into a relationship. Aziraphale and Crowley need that too. They need to take time apart and learn to be healthy on their own. Unfortunately they don't have the skills to get to that conclusion in a healthy way, so it all explodes in their faces and everything falls apart.

Aziraphale tries to teach Nina and Maggie to dance as a substitute for communication. Nina and Maggie try to teach Crowley communication as a substitute for the dance they've been doing around each other. That's the reason they're a part of the plot: they exist to demonstrate the way Aziraphale and Crowley might have succeeded in forging a better dynamic. Sadly, the boys' dance is too practiced and they got sucked right back into it.

It's okay, I think, that Nina and Maggie's storyline never really went anywhere. It wasn't supposed to. It's an allegory, not something that needs to stand alone.

#good omens #good omens meta #good omens analysis #good omens season 2 #gos2 #good omens season two #crowley #aziraphale #maggie #nina #defense mechanisms #the psychology of good omens #everything is meant #ineffable husbands

[kiindr]

reminders for you:

you are enough

nobody gets to decide what hurts you and what doesn't

you have done hard things before and you will succeed at doing them again

you deserve to be loved and taken care of

you deserve to be respected

you were not born to please everybody on this planet

it's okay to prioritise your own peace

you don't have to continue even if you're tired

please feed yourself well

you do not need other people to "complete" you

Please breathe. you will figure this out somehow. you've got this.

#mental health #mental health support #mental health awareness #mental health reminders #coping #positivity #reminders #therapy #kindness #wellness #psychology student #mental wellness #stress #anxiety #depression #defense mechanisms

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi !I'm a 25 yo F INFJ. I want to ask about something that happened to me recently. In january a highschool classmate wanted to prepare a reunion. Only the thought of going made me anxious (so I didn't). I can't say that my experience was bad but I didn't really get along with them and I even accepted sillently their bad jokes about me. There were multiple groups with different types of mean behaviour.

After highschool I felt like I made progress with people and I learned how to interact better, I made a few friends in University and I felt that I changed a lot. But only the thought of going back made me feel again like my 15-18 yo self who was afraid to hear another mean thing and was trying not to make eye contact with them so she won't go home and cry.

Today another thing happened, I'm taking classes to improve my english and someone with the same name as a guy who was saying mean things to me back then appeared. I became anxious instantly, I felt weak. He had his camera turned off so I couldn't tell if it was him or not so I was very conscious about him. I felt small and I was thinking "is there anything he could make a mean joke off?". He dispised me as a person, my face, anything really. He is 100% ESXP from everything I know about him.

How can I address what I feel/this situation and how can I stay in my current mentality (not retracting to my younger self)? From what I know it's a common behaviour when it comes to past trauma, even if I don't know if I should call it like this.

----------------------

What you are describing is called regression, which generally means reverting to a less mature version of yourself. There are different kinds of regression. Your emotional regression was triggered by unresolved past pain.

The key word is "unresolved". It's easy to believe anything (e.g. that you've made great progress) as long as you ignore the counter-evidence that would prove otherwise. When people become a bit overconfident about their progress in personal growth, I usually joke that they should spend a month living in close quarters with their most disliked family members to prove it. Formative and intimate relationships are breeding grounds for unresolved pain. Why? Because they occur during a time in life when you don't yet have the tools to understand pain and cope with it well.

Don't fret, regression doesn't mean you've lost your progress or that your progress was illusory. Rather, regression means your progress is being held back by something you aren't willing to confront. Emotional triggers exist in part to remind you of things you didn't handle well in the past. You will keep getting triggered until you've learned the knowledge/skills necessary to handle that sort of situation well. To be emotionally triggered is an opportunity for you to revisit your past pain and resolve whatever issue you couldn't at the time. However, most people react to being emotionally triggered by automatically replaying or repeating the mistakes of the past, which means the emotional trigger stays in place and even increases in intensity each time.

Regression is a defense mechanism, a primitive method of coping with stress, pain, or trauma. When you get emotionally triggered, the old emotions arise and this fools your brain into thinking that you're back in the same experience, when the trigger first formed, which urges you to behave the same way as you did back then. It's basically like getting transported back in time. The less self-awareness you have, the more serious the regression tends to be, because you can't see just how immature your behavior has suddenly become.

To overcome regression:

(1) Awareness: Improve your emotional intelligence so that you are aware of being emotionally triggered. Understand the logic of your emotional triggers by noting what kind of situations trigger you and linking them back to past stress, pain, or trauma.

(2) Detection: Observe the patterns of your regressive behavior. How do they begin? What do they look like? How do they end? How often do they appear? This information should help you detect regressive behavior earlier so that you can intervene and snap back to your senses sooner.

(3) Reflection: Identify the original source of the emotional trigger. Visualize the stressful situation, not from the viewpoint of your past self, but from the viewpoint of your more mature current self. How does your perspective of the situation change when you view it from the outside rather than the inside? E.g. How does it feel to witness a child being bullied rather than being the child bullied? This should help you get a more objective view of the situation. Objectivity helps disarm negative emotions by getting a healthy distance from them.

(4) Change the Narrative: Instead of automatically reacting to the negative emotions the same way you did before (as a child), use the tools that you currently have at your disposal to cope in a more mature way. Ask yourself: How should an adult handle this situation? E.g. Can you work through the negative emotions with a healthier strategy such as: breathing, mindfulness, assertiveness, or communication? If you still haven't learned healthier methods of coping, now is the time.

(5) Work Toward Closure: Every time you get emotionally triggered, practice using your healthier coping strategy. This gradually decreases the intensity of the emotions and you won't be as easily triggered over time.

Whether the emotional trigger eventually disappears or not isn't the main point. The main point is you are applying all the useful tools you've learned throughout life. By reinforcing these positive lessons, your self-esteem and self-confidence will improve. This is how one maintains and builds upon each step of personal growth.

#infj #regression #defense mechanisms #past #closure #emotional triggers #emotional intelligence #maturity #growth #development #ask

[anenneagramoverview]

Enneagram Defense Mechanisms - The Head Triad

Defense mechanisms part 2 - part 1 on the gut triad is linked here.

E5: Isolation

Isolation is a defense mechanism in which one cuts themselves off from others for periods of time. Isolation can be separated into 3 categories; physical, mental, and emotional. Physical isolation is the easiest to recognize, and is simply being alone. Mental isolation presents itself as zoning out, like their mind is elsewhere. They're physically present, but mentally occupied. Emotional isolation can be likened to emotional detachment; one will cut themself off from emotions and will refuse to get involved with others emotionally. The 5's use of isolation stem from their (often unconscious) need to avoid feeling drained. As a part of the head triad, the 5 desires security, and they feel they must be very careful with how they use what little energy they have so that they don't run out. Being present - physically, mentally, or emotionally can often feel exhausting, so they avoid it altogether. Ridding themself of "unnecessary" strain on their energy reserves leaves them free to use direct their energy towards security; though often knowing they have extra energy should they need it is also a form of security the E5 desires, which is another reason they isolate.

E6: Projection

Projection is a defense mechanism in which one will attribute emotions, motivations, attributes, or behaviors of their own that they (unconsciously) feel are unacceptable onto another entity - be it a person or a group. These may not necessarily be negative; they may be neutral, or even positive. The E6's use of projection stems from the unconscious desire to allay their internal fears and anxieties and avoid rejection. Through projecting, the 6 avoids situations they would prefer not to engage in and protects themselves from rejection. For example, they might say that they don't think the other person is ready to talk about something when in reality, they themselves are not ready to talk about it; in this instance, they fear they will be abandoned (as is the 6's basic fear) if they confront the situation, so they ascribe the hesitance to address the situation that they are feeling onto the other, which ensures they both do not have to have an unwanted conversation and are not risking being abandoned. The 6 also uses projection to justify internal fears and anxieties. They might be anxious people will betray them, so they project that anxiety onto someone in order to legitimize their fear. In this manner, they almost preempt rejection in (unconscious) hope of ensuring that they will not be as hurt by it.

E7: Rationalization

Rationalization is a defense mechanism in which one attempts to avoid the true reasons for their behavior or emotions by explaining it in a seemingly logical manner. The 7 (unconsciously) uses rationalization to avoid painful emotions. They attempt to reframe the situation positively and explain away or justify things in order to distance themself from painful feelings. This can look like minimizing the issue ("I didn't want it that badly anyways, it's no big deal") or making excuses ("it was going to end well anyways"), to name two examples. Rationalization does not necessarily have to be about one's own emotions or behavior; it can also come in the form of making excuses or trying to reframe another's actions. As a part of the head triad, the 7 desires security. They are always on the go, flitting from one thing to the next in hopes of gaining that security, using rationalization to avoid painful emotions that might bring them down.

#enneagram #enneagram 5 #enneagram 6 #enneagram 7 #head triad #defense mechanisms #the enneagram as according to my understanding #enneagram defense mechanisms

[fangirlwriting-stories]

Okay I give up I'm making a post

I was planning on reblogging the Defense Mechanisms post every time a new chapter came out, but it's been long enough that I can't find it anymore, whoops.

Anyway have a chapter two!

#Defense Mechanisms #this is the one just on ao3 #because I have a co-writer #Story Talk #my fic #and also Vorpal's fic

[mysticdragon3md3]

7 Signs You’re Not Too Nice, It’s Your Trauma by Psych2Go

#youtube #mental health #fawning #trauma response #defense mechanisms #appeasement #appeasing #lists

[risingvibrations]

L' Importanza dell' Equilibrio tra gli Emisferi Celebrali.

L' Importanza dell' Equilibrio tra gli Emisferi Celebrali. Periodicamente mi capita di ricadere nell' onicofagia e questo disturbo che mi perseguita ormai da 42 anni, provoca in me un profondo disagio e abbassamento della mia autostima. Cerco di lavorare assiduamente su questo disturbo attraverso meditazioni, allineamento ed equilibrio dei chakra, auto-trattamenti reiki, auto-trattamenti di guarigione sciamanica, ecc......... ma mi rendo conto che la "guarigione" legata all' onicofagia dura qualche mese e poi si ripresenta. La scorsa notte rassegnata e sconsolata, mi sono coricata domandando all' Universo perche' mi stia capitando questo disturbo ricorrente, perche' questo disturbo (l'onicofagia) si ripresenta con cadenze ben precise. Ho rivolto all' Universo il chiaro desiderio di voler smettere di essere sopraffatta dall' onicofagia, non la voglio piu' e non capisco nemmeno da dove derivi! Mi sono addormentata e mi sono ritrovata in un luogo con presenza di luce bianca, ero nell' appartamento in cui ho vissuto da piccola, mi sono guardata attorno e c'ero solamente io. Mi sono avvicinata alla porta della sala e li c'era mia madre con i suoi lunghi capelli a boccoli neri che, seduta sul divano fumava e piangendo ascoltava le canzoni di Julio Iglesias; nella mano destra teneva la sigaretta e la mano sinitra era destinata all' atto di mangiarsi le unghie, irrequieta, nervosa, frustrata, insoddisfatta. Sono rimasta li sulla porta della sala triste per cio' a cui avevo assistito e in quell' istante mi sono immediatamente trovata in un ambiente diverso; ero in un ospedale seduta su una sedia (sembrava una sedia da dentista), difronte a me vedevo solamente una parete bianca e due uomini alle mie spalle che parlavano. I due medici si confrontavano e il medico dientro la mia spalla sinistra diceva all'altro : come vogliamo procedere? Il secondo medico dietro alla mia spalla destra ha ribattuto dopo qualche istante di silenzio : il problema e' qui, dobbiamo operare! Ho percepito qualcosa che in modo delicato mi rasava la testa sul lato destro. Il medico dietro la mia spalla destra si e' posto di fronte a me e mi ha detto : dobbiamo operarti la testa, il problema e' qui! Ha preso in mano uno specchio e mi ha mostrato il mio cranio rasato (solo sul lato destro); appena sotto la pelle era visibile una protuberanza che aveva una forma rettangolare e sopra di essa era presente un' altra forma (sembrava una pastiglia-capsula). Sconvolta da quella protuberanza senza pensarci troppo a grande voce ho risposto : operatemi subito, rimuovetela immediatamente! Ma sentiro' dolore? Il medico dietro alla mia spalla sinistra ha detto a voce alta : No tranquilla, ti faremo un anestesia che addormentera' tutta la scatola cranica e non sentirai assolutamente nulla!

Mi sono svegliata alla mattina e istintivamente ho iniziato a fare ricerche : anatomia del cervello, composizione del cervello, composizione degli emisferi celebrali, funzione degli emisferi celebrali, insomma ho cercato e ricercato finche' non ho appreso. Ho capito dalle mie ricerche che e' molto importante portare equilibrio tra gli emisferi celebrali, molti disturbi che si presentano nell' individuo spesso sono causati proprio dall' assenza di equilibrio tra l' emisfero sinistro e l' emisfero destro. Ho appreso personalmente che se l' emisfero sinistro e' attivo ma l' emisfero destro no (mancanza di equilibrio), compaiono sintomi quali : depressione, insoddisfazione, frustrazione, apatia, mancanza di iniziativa, onicofagia, stanchezza costante, mancanza di motivazione e molto altro. Associavo questi sintomi al cambio di stagione, forse alla noia, ma poi ho iniziato a lavorare con esercizi che mi aiutassero a portare in sintonia ed equilibrio i miei emisferi celebrali, cosi mi sono resa conto in modo immediato che questi sintomi venivano immediatamente sostituiti con nuova motivazione, nuova creativita' , nuovo entusiasmo, insomma ho sentito come una finestra che si apriva su un paesaggio verde e pieno di fiori! Da cio' che e' stata la mia esperienza personale, e' molto importante imparare ad ascoltare e connettersi attivamente al proprio corpo e ai suoi meccanismi di difesa. Ho intrapreso cosi anche questo lavoro su me stessa, tenere equilibrati gli emisferi celebrali perche' e' grazie ad esso se riusciamo a dar vita alla vera essenza di noi stessi, a quella parte pura e autentica che risiede in noi! Vi allego qui sotto la meditazione / esercizio che utilizzo io per mantenere in equilibrio gli emisferi celebrali : https://youtu.be/YLu8dnCJQiA Sentitevi liberi di fornirmi spunti per migliorare ed apprendere maggiormente su questo tema molto importante per me, importante per la mia crescita personale! Grazie a tutti i miei lettori!

The content present on the blog Natalía Mariani It is forbidden copying or reproducing the content of this blog in any shape or form. It is forbidden to publish or redistribute the content without the permission of the author. Copyright © 2023, All rights reserved.

#universe #decree #nail biting #defense mechanisms #cerebral hemispheres #brain balance #work on yourself #to raise awareness #dreamlike dream #listen to yourself #body mind soul brain #personal growth #meditation balance hemispheres

[high-quality-tiktoks]

Boy is actually a Saint Bernard🙏

#video #tiktok #tiktoks #dating #relationships #love #couple #couples #boyfriend #toxic #toxicity #relatable #mood #defence mechanism #defense mechanism #defence mechanisms #defense mechanisms #briar.l.may

[sydnycrtn]

five defense mechanisms.

easier to avoid responsibility

than to let

a possible misstep

make you vulnerable.

#defense mechanisms #poem #poetry #daily poem #vulnerability #spilled ink #poetscommunity

[ehj3]

SHOW AND TELL

…An elderly man wears a mask; his walk is Sprightly, his movements brisk. I catch His watery eye for a watery moment. Without stopping, all matter-of-fact, He says: ‘Someone told me you were dead.’” — Colm Tóibín IMAGINE YOU ARE TEN OR FIVE. You have a sense of who you are; it crept up on you so you don’t really recall not feeling this. Then suddenly you are 20. Now, who you are matters less…

View On WordPress

#aging #anne bradstreet #art #“Sailing to Byzantium” #capitalism #career #Colm Tóibín #commodification #defense mechanisms #group therapy #loss #magical realism #marketing #new objectivity #reminescence #retirement #self help #wisdom

[justabunchofquotesfromallover]

"Spiritual bypassing describes a tendency to use spiritual explanations to avoid complex psychological issues.

The term was first coined during the early 1980s by a transpersonal psychotherapist named John Welwood in his book Toward a Psychology of Awakening. According to Welwood, spiritual bypassing can be defined as a "tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks." As a therapist and Buddhist teacher, Welwood began to notice that people (including himself) often wielded spirituality as a shield or type of defense mechanism. Rather than working through hard emotions or confronting unresolved issues, people would simply dismiss them with spiritual explanations. While it can be a way to protect the self from harm or to promote harmony between people, it doesn't actually resolve the issue. Instead, it merely glosses over a problem, leaving it to fester without any true resolution.

Signs of Spiritual Bypassing

Spiritual bypassing is a way of hiding behind spirituality or spiritual practices. It prevents people from acknowledging what they are feeling and distances them from both themselves and others. Some examples of spiritual bypassing include: • Avoiding feelings of anger • Believing in your own spiritual superiority as a way to hide from insecurities • Believing that traumatic events must serve as “learning experiences” or that there is a silver lining behind every negative experience • Believing that spiritual practices such as meditation or prayer are always positive • Extremely high, often unattainable, idealism • Feelings of detachment • Focusing only on spirituality and ignoring the present • Only focusing on the positive or being overly optimistic • Projecting your own negative feelings onto others • Pretending that things are fine when they are clearly not • Thinking that people can overcome their problems through positive thinking • Thinking that you must “rise above” your emotions • Using defense mechanisms such as denial and repression Spiritual bypassing is a superficial way of glossing over problems in a way that might make us feel better in the short term, but ultimately solves nothing and just leaves the problem to linger on."

--Kendra Cherry, MSEd; Fact checked by Adah Chung, Spiritual Bypassing as a Defense Mechanism

#recovery #trauma #emotions #emotional health #spirituality #spiritual bypassing #toxic positivity #mental health #psychology #text #long post #conflict resolution #communication #defense mechanisms #therapy #mental health support #coping

[mbti-notes]

hi I'm confused about boundaries. Sometimes I'm assertive to say NO to people but I don't know maybe I'm just putting up a wall and killing the relationship? How can I tell the difference between walls and boundaries? TIA

In the most simple terms, it's a matter of healthy (boundaries) vs unproductive (walls). Yes, both are intended as protection, but they ultimately lead you in different directions. Some key points:

1) Emotional Motivation: When someone violates your personal boundary, it's natural to feel offended or angry at first. But if the anger goes unprocessed and unchecked, it makes your decision-making very reactive. You're likely to retaliate, harbor resentment, or emotionally "block out" the person with a psychological wall, which damages the relationship.

In contrast, an emotionally intelligent person knows how to process negative emotions, so they don't just react to anger but, rather, see it as a sign that there is something out of balance in the relationship. Digging deeper below the initial anger, one finds empathy for oneself and the need to be treated fairly. The empathy is then leveraged into setting better boundaries to ensure fairness in the relationship.

Therefore, ask yourself: Am I being driven by unconscious, unprocessed, and/or unresolved negative emotions? (wall) Or, am I acting consciously, out of empathy and compassion, to address a legitimate need for a fairer relationship? (boundary)

2) Effect on Self-Concept: When you build a wall, you are essentially distancing yourself from others by hiding behind it. Walls are a common defense mechanism because they're easy, they feel safe, and they seem like the least harmful option overall (when compared to being overtly mean or destructive). But these positive effects are illusory.

A wall feels easy only because you're ignoring the negative social consequences. Actually, it signals to others that you're too preoccupied with yourself to care about them, which means you make yourself into an uncooperative and thus emotionally unavailable friend/partner. A wall feels safe only because you're sweeping the problem under the rug. Actually, it doesn't resolve the issue of you being unable to advocate well for yourself and your needs. A wall seems least harmful because you're overlooking the harm being done to yourself. Actually, by locking yourself away, you are essentially making yourself into a non-entity in the relationship, which signals to people that your needs don't have to matter to them.

Therefore, ask yourself: Am I making myself smaller, less important, and more invisible to others? (wall) Or, am I making myself into an equal member of the relationship and requesting the care and respect I also deserve? (boundary)

3) Effect on the Relationship: There is no meaningful relationship without conflict. Conflict occurs whenever two people don't see eye-to-eye and it affects their ability to move forward together. Many people see conflict as a "problem" and fear getting caught up in it, so they don't know how to use it to their advantage. Some people build walls as a way to avoid confrontation and conflict.

For emotionally intelligent people, conflict is viewed as an opportunity to know each other better and negotiate better terms for the relationship. Over time, people who know how to "fight" intelligently are rewarded with a stronger and closer bond. In short, an important aspect of setting healthy boundaries is knowing how to communicate productively about needs and goals, in order to reach agreement about how to move forward on them.

Therefore, ask yourself: Am I cutting off further communication and leaving my needs unmet and their needs unacknowledged, thus making it more difficult to build a long-term relationship? (wall) Or, am I creating an opportunity to bring each person's needs into focus so that we can collaborate and get them fulfilled appropriately, thus doing the necessary work to make the relationship better over time? (boundary)

Note that this point is aimed at people who have trouble setting boundaries in normal relationships that have good potential to be healthy, loving, and fulfilling. If you're dealing with someone exhibiting many dark personality traits, heed the red flags. There are some people you can't negotiate with because they can't see you, don't respect you, and/or aren't capable of caring well for you. In such cases, the focus shouldn't be on relationship building but on avoiding/averting harm through setting and enforcing strict boundaries.

To sum up the qualities of a "wall" VS a "boundary":

motivated by: negative emotions VS empathy and fairness

feels like making yourself: smaller VS equal

you appear to others: more distant VS more visible

communication: gets cut off VS opens up collaboration

emotional needs: remain unfulfilled VS brought into focus

relationships become: more difficult VS more robust

Of course, real-life situations are not always so clear-cut. Boundary setting is a skill that gets better with practice. Remember that there's no perfect way to socialize. People can be unpredictable, so the best you can do is be adaptable, learn from mistakes, and keep trying to get better at it. When you realize that you've built a wall instead of set a boundary, it's a good opportunity to learn more about what triggered you to build it and practice taking it down.

Walls are an understandable response to feeling violated but it's important to reflect upon what they actually achieve for you. If wall-building feels like an "instinct" when you get emotionally triggered, it would be good to learn more about your emotional triggers, why they exist, and what past experience the wall is meant to protect you from. Bring that unconscious activity into consciousness. Then, reflect on whether it's still necessary to use such a primitive defense mechanism today.

#boundaries #defense mechanisms #communication #assertiveness #anger #resentment #emotional intelligence #social skills #relationships #ask

[anenneagramoverview]

Enneagram Defense Mechanisms - The Gut Triad

Ah, the wonderful world of defense mechanisms. Each enneagram type as a specific defense mechanism that they will fall on most often - that is, it’s not that they use this defense mechanism exclusively, but it is their main one. I will be starting a 3-part series describing the defense mechanisms of each type.

I find it useful to define what exactly defense mechanisms are, as many simply hear the words and have a general concept of what it means based on context and such, but do not actually know the proper definition. Defense mechanisms are “mental processes our brains use (typically unconsciously) to avoid conscious conflict or anxiety” (Oxford Languages). Note how this is not inherently a negative thing. Defense mechanisms and certainly be harmful when taken too far, but they are, in fact, there to protect us. They can be both positive and negative.

Thus, without further ado, I will begin with my summary of the gut triad’s defense mechanisms. Kindly note that these are specified to the enneagram, so the definitions will mostly likely be slightly different than traditional psychology definitions.

E8: Denial

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person refuses to recognize reality, whether that be through simply blocking it out or though refusing to perceive it at all. This stems from a person (unconsciously) deciding that they cannot face, so to speak, their inner reality, so they make use of denial to allay their anxiety. For E8s, this is perhaps more specifically described as a denial to avoid vulnerability. They will unconsciously block out or refuse to acknowledge any thoughts, emotions, needs, or actions that might be an indication of vulnerability. The E8, being in the gut triad and embracing anger, uses that energy and fuel from the anger to direct focus away from the negative, vulnerable things and instead focus it on the more instinctual side (O’Hanrahan). Because anger is fuel for action, E8s are already much more comfortable in the instinctual realm, and it will provide them with the sense of strength (or at least the image of strength) they are after.

E9: Narcotization

Narcotization is a defense mechanism in which a person numbs themself to avoid conflict, discomfort, or anxiety. Because the E9 ignores or represses anger, they makes use of this defense mechanism to keep the peace and not “rock the boat”. Anger leads to action, and action can very well lead to disharmony. The 9, of course, wants to avoid this (hence they ignore their anger). They avoid feeling or facing this conflict, discomfort, or anxiety by narcotizing. When narcotizing, they will take part in mundane activities, keeping themself busy so as to avoid the cause or source of their anxiety; they find comfort in the habit. This may look like engaging in physical activities such as exercise or chores, or it may be things like watching tv, talking, sleeping, or even repetitive thinking. They might also use drugs or alcohol in order to numb themself. It could also be likened to “going through the motions”, distracting themself or remaining preoccupied. The idea of narcotization is to, in a sense, be able to “shut off their brain” (not in such a way that they are unintelligent) and engage in a habitual going through the motions so that they can avoid the pain or discomfort.

E1: Reaction Formation

Reaction formation is a defense mechanism in which a person represses their true feelings, beliefs, etc, and acts on the opposite of said feelings, beliefs, etc. This stems from the person deciding (often unconsciously) that “this feeling is bad”, and so they overcompensate, so to speak, going in the exact opposite direction and doing the opposite thing. The E1, as a gut type and one that has a push-pull relationship within their group, divides things into “good” or “bad”, generally based on a gut instinct. An instinctual “that’s reprehensible and disgusting and absolutely not”, or “this is what must be done”. It’s almost a sense of duty, in a manner of speaking. Now, then, it tracks that when the 1 encounters something that falls into the “reprehensible” category, they would have a rather violent (violent being a manner of speech) against it. Take anger, for example. Suppose a 1 has decided that anger is “bad”; thus, whenever they feel angry, the reaction formation will kick in and go “absolutely not, that is wrong and you don’t do that” and the 1 will likely become hyper-compliant or agreeable or the like. The 1 very much divides things into “good” and “bad”.

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Questions, comments, and observations are welcome.

#enneagram #enneagram 8 #enneagram 9 #enneagram 1 #gut triad #defense mechanisms #the enneagram as according to my understanding #enneagram defense mechanisms

[freddyfreeman]

Now that the mental health industry is trying to pathologize having anxiety about the spread of a BSL-3 level pathogen, I love this response…

#defense mechanisms #it’s basic psychology babe

[howifeltabouthim]

We were pretentious children who read books we didn't understand and embraced politics we knew little about, but our pretenses protected us. We were a team of two against a hostile world of adolescent hierarchies.

Siri Hustvedt, from The Blazing World

#coming of age #best friends #us against the world #pretentious #affectations #reading #defense mechanisms #quotes #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #siri hustvedt #the blazing world

[kaibascorpse]

some of you people are so obsessed with having an acceptable group to ‘punch up’ at that you would rather pretend a marginalized group are Basically The Oppressors™ than listen to their valid criticisms about the fact that ‘punching up’ very rarely hits the intended target, and the majority of the actual damage of that act is suffered by fellow marginalized people in your own community. there is a significant difference between venting frustrations about privileged groups and just outright attacking anyone who (you assume) experiences that axis of privilege regardless of - and in many cases outright denying - their actual lived experiences. it goes far beyond just ‘venting frustrations’ when what you’re really doing is trying to find a moral justification to bully people you don’t like, and when your own desire for catharsis and moral superiority leads to ignoring the voices of the vulnerable people you hurt. you’re not ‘punching up’ - you just like punching people for the sake of punching.

#in writing this im primarily thinking about #transandrophobia #but i kept the language vague bc really its much more widespread than this one issue #this post is about all the queer groups that get ostracized for not being oppressed enough or having ‘too much privilege’ #getting lumped in w the oppressors bc we are assumed to have the same privilege and power as them even when we quite literally do not #gaining conditional privileges for not being visibly/openly queer is not the same as having systemic privilege. #at best it’s a defense mechanism that comes with the constant threat of having that privilege revoked should anyone realize you’re queer #if being ‘privileged’ requires hiding or not acknowledging part of your identity then it’s not really a privilege. #my posts