oh no i forgot february is the month where it decides to be short :(
Hair by @leahlillith
funny how everytime i draw techno he progressively gets more and more jewelry…….
my brain: instead of just sad lets be high AND sad
posting the rest tomorrow. I’m tired. Cold. Cranky because my boyfriend has ticked me off twice today. Had to track down our new kittens because the mom moved them into a cold closet. ready for beeeeeeeeeeedddddddddd.
odd eye circle duality
There was a time I almost told her. Almost. The moment was there, it was right in the middle of the worst Covid breakout, we were sitting outside and my mouth opened. I almost, almost did it. I didn’t.
How are you supposed to trust someone with your biggest secret when there have been so many moments where they have broken it before?
I never want to feel that way again, with all of that. it hurt me deeply, maybe more than anything ever has. I know that’s hard to believe after everything that has happened but its how I feel. This, was nothing I had ever thought would happen. It crept up on me slowly and then it hit me at all at once and everything that followed after was a hundred times worse.
I know that I need to leave where I am. I’m in an abusive relationship with this place and its hard for me to leave. Once you become so used to something, it starts to feel like what’s normal for you. But its not, and it shouldnt be like this. I have always known that. I just can’t do it.
Its hard for me because of grad school. I’ve been done with my very first quarter for a few days now, but trying to find another place to work is exhausting. The whole process, starting over. School is my main focus right now. Everything else is honestly at the end of my shit list.
I guess what gets to me, is that people don’t care. About anything. I do think that my friends and my family care about me, but out there is a different story.. it should be human to want to feel some sense of compassion towards other people..
I don’t even know why I’m writing this post. Life is good but I also..
I sometimes feel like I keep meeting the same people just in different bodies. Its all the same shit. I’m tired of it. I know that’s not a good way to think.
fuck 7 am
Dutch people forgot how ice works at least 6 people in my (small!) town fell through today
anyways sorry for the recent posts about Wanda lol. I just had to let some of the anger out with the recent developments in Marvel’s new shitshow.
my thoughts: *at their gayest when I’m sleepdrunk*
I’m feelin like a very special little boy with my 30 followers! Feelin like I wanna maybe do a tiny event! Just something little, maybe fulfilled in 10 asks? Maybe a little story?
What do you guys think? I have 2 ideas
Vallo and Viri swap roles
@onlylovjeonman You’re welcome and thanks for coming into my ask box for wcif!
Oh wow. 🤦🏽♀️I’ve spent so much time making sure my site was mobile compatible. It’s the 3 dots at the top but did you know that I didn’t even realize that none of this matters if someone is actually searching through tumblr’s dash??? 🥴🤣 I always wondered what the point of mobile links were for if you use a mobile friendly theme. Oof. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I’m going to work on this rn.
. this is venting feel free to ignore.
I realize how long it has been since I have written to you. Or at least it feels that way.
People have been trying to still come into my life that I have already put up boundaries with, but they won’t stop.. I don’t know why. I don’t know why its so fucking hard for me to still have a heart for people who have made me uncomfortable or done things that was overstepping the line. Maybe to them it wasn’t a big deal, but I know the difference between lines being crossed and what is normal.. and it just bothers me that all of this happened.. or that they still keep trying..
I was never really into tiktok, but I’ve been seeing these videos lately where people try to kiss their best friends and some of them are actually real and just so freaking innocent and cute.
My innocence was shattered since the day I chose to make those decisions. I don’t regret anything, and I’m not sorry, but I actually feel it now. I feel now and understand how dark of a place my head goes to. How I shut off. How the only way for me to survive was to keep killing myself over and over again. That’s really the bottom line of it. I stopped because it quit being fun. I didn’t get, that same kick out of it anymore. Something in me just let go.
My life is going good. Honestly I can’t complain. Grad school is great, I’m doing really good, I’m two assignments away from being done with my first quarter. I am actually maintaining consistency with my friends and I no longer feel alone or wary or cynical.. it just feels right. It feels healthy. There are some people I choose to stay away from, because the vibe is off. Or I can tell that something isn’t quite right, and my gut has never failed me to this point even when nI didn’t want to believe it. I have to keep staying strong, whatever that even means anymore. I can only keep up with what I can control at this point.
My dad is slowly dying. He tells me that too, can you believe it? He told me, “Just to let you know, I’ll die soon. I can feel it. I won’t be around anymore.” He wants to die, Don. He’s been wanting to die for years.. and its a horrible fucking thing to say but sometimes I wish he would just let go. Its so fucking insufferable and poisonous. I think he wants to die and he just doesn’t know it. He lacks self awareness. He flushes all his problems away with alcohol. He turns into an entirely different person when he’s drunk, and dealing with this for so long, has stirred an anger inside of me that has come out in so many different ways. He is the reason he is like this. This was his fault, like my brother says all the time. You met him once, a really long time ago.. I doubt my dad even fucking remembers you. He forgets everything. He doesn’t even know what I got my degree in for undergrad, or the name of my program for grad school. I wonder if he will still be alive by the time I graduate. Or by the time I get my license as a clinician. He’s just getting worse and worse everyday. Before, he was angry drunk, and now he’s just stupid fucking drunk.
You would think, that all of this would make me sad. It doesn’t. It makes me really, really fucking angry, and it also fills me with rage. I don’t know. I try not to feel it. I shut myself off because its tiring feeling this way. To be so angry at someone who you feel never really tried to know you. He’s never going to accept that he needs help.. and that is what makes me so angry.
This guy I went on a date with told me I should try this Alcoholics Anonymous group thing, but for people who deal with family members who are alcoholics. I’ve been meaning to check it out, and I just haven’t.. School has been sweeping me off my feet.
I’m doing really good, but at the same time I’m so sad. My friends, and i mean my real friends are helping me through it. Once this quarter is done I’ll invite a few of them over to just eat and talk shit and watch movies. I think it’ll be nice. You never met my friend Angela, but she has a baby now. His name is Logan and I love that kid even though I usually hate kids.
That was one of the things you promised you’d tell me, before you died. The reason why you never wanted kids. Along with all the other things you promised me you’d tell me. Now I’ll never know.
I have to finish this presentation. Its two in the morning, and I doubt I’ll sleep again tonight. I just don’t want to sleep anymore, because once I do its that much harder for me to get up.
i was fucking superstars at 19, the shit we did you won’t believe me….. Now why. why is this david!!🧍🏻♀️