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whynoteswhispered · 4 years

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Bandages

This is a short little Naruto/Sasuke fic I’ve been working on this month. It is posted on AO3 in two parts but I’m just going to post it as one unified story here. Trigger Warnings: Suicide attempt, depression, heavy content surrounding these topics. wc: 7,209

Bandages:

The sun crept in as it always did; darkness being replaced by a façade of warmth. Naruto found himself rolling away from the light, his eyes opening slightly to find Sasuke sitting awake – his hands resting on his face, pulling at his hair.

“Sasuke…” Naruto’s sleepy voice surprised him; he immediately removed his hands from his face as Naruto rested his hand on his lap. “What’s wrong?”

As his eyes became clearer, he was immediately startled awake – shifting to sitting beside Sasuke. “What’s wrong?”

Tears were rapidly falling down his face; his face red from where his hands were resting. “I can’t do this anymore,” his tone was severe, words rushing from his mouth without much thought, “Naruto, I just can’t do this anymore.”

Finding Sasuke disheveled had become a common occurrence; ever since he came back to the village he found himself feeling less and less like himself. Sasuke has held all of his emotions in for so many years that now it would come in waves; however, calling it waves would be an understatement – his emotions came more like a tsunami, threatening to tear down everything in its path – including himself.

“Hey,” Naruto pulled his hand to Sasuke’s face, allowing him to rest into it as he wiped away the tears, “you can do it Sasuke.” His lips brushed against his hair, “You have to do it.”

As Naruto looked down he saw blood staining the white cotton sheets that laid below him; panic arose in his body immediately.

“Sasuke –” Naruto leaned forward grabbing his wrists; a gash going across horizontally, blooding pooling along the edges – jumping from the darkness when given the chance. “Hey!”

Naruto turned to face him in the bed; tears still falling quickly – now from both sets of eyes. Sasuke’s complexion was pale; the dark circles under his eyes making him look as though he was on the verge of death.

“We have to leave, we have to –” Naruto leaned across the bed grabbing his phone,

“Please just let me die here; you can leave me. I wouldn’t blame you.” Sasuke’s voice sounded hollow; a shell of what it once was.

“No, no, no, no, no, no.” Naruto jumped up from the bed, panic causing his heart to ache in his chest – as he dialed 911 he grabbed bandages from the under-sink cabinet.

“Sasuke, please…” he crouched on the floor beside the bed, grabbing his wrist and wrapping it tightly – hoping, begging, for it to slow down the bleeding. “…Damnit! You can’t leave me Sasuke, not like this!” he was finding it harder to breathe the longer he thought about the situation he was in.

“What’s your emergency?” the operator on the phone finally spoke; startling him as he finished wrapping him – keeping his hand tightly pressed along the cut; silently begging that it would stop the bleeding, even if momentarily.

“You have to get an ambulance here quick – please – my partner cut himself, he’s bleeding really bad…” he lost his focus, now just speaking whatever came to his mind, “I can’t lose him – not again, not forever.”

The operator quickly acquired the location; keeping Naruto on the line so they could aid in helping Sasuke.

Keep pressure on it.

Grab more gauze.

Keep pressure on it.

Grab more gauze.

Naruto played out the things that the operator was telling him to do perfectly; all Sasuke could do was beg Naruto to give up – to stop helping him.

“Damnit Sasuke,” Naruto was ignoring the person on the phone, “don’t you know how much I love you?? – I’m not just going to give up and let you die right here, for fuck’s sake Sasuke I’m not going to let you die anywhere.”

Sasuke looked at Naruto with a deep woe in his eyes; contemplating the words that Naruto had spoken – his thoughts becoming harder and harder to process as the loss of blood began catching up to him.

“They should be arriving at your home momentarily,” the operator spoke softly – trying to keep Naruto calm, “I’m going to hang up now; keep the pressure on the wound until help arrives.”

He couldn’t even find the will to say anything back, instead, just clicking his phone off and tossing it onto the floor.

“I’m sorry Naruto –” Sasuke’s voice was barely above a whisper, “I – I didn’t mean to cause you any pain.”

“Shut up,” he gripped the wound tighter, “the amount of pain I’m in right now could never amount to the amount of pain you’re in.” he leaned forward, keeping his hand tightly on his wrist – kissing his forehead; his tears falling onto Sasuke’s shirt. “You’re going to be okay; I won’t leave you.”

A knock pounded against the door, “It’s unlocked.” Naruto yelled, tears rushing down his face as he looked at Sasuke.

He couldn’t rationalize how much pain he was in to think that this was the only option; to think that there was nothing else in this world for him. “I’ll just have to love him harder.” He thought to himself.

The two medical ninjas burst through the door; scrambling through the house before finding the bedroom door. As they burst in, Sasuke shifted his eyes to Naruto. “I’m sorry.” He mouthed silently.

“We are going to need you to move,” they took a step towards the bed, “we can handle it from here.”

“I’m not leaving him.” Naruto was crying, his voice wavering with every infliction.

“We can’t help him unless you let go of his wrist.” The ninja crouched beside Naruto, placing their hand on his shoulder. They slowly leaned forward and grabbed Sasuke’s wrist from him. Naruto immediately flinching and standing to his feet.

He watched as they poured their chakra into his wound; the color across his body remaining pale.

Naruto began to feel queasy; the anxiety of the situation finally catches up to him and he immediately ran off to the bathroom – slamming the dooring behind him.

“Damnit,” Naruto looked at himself in the mirror, “Damnit!” he yelled again, punching down into the table as if they were all of Sasuke’s woes.

He darted over to the toilet, lurching back and letting all of the panic leave his body.

“He’s going to be fine.” He kept telling himself, “I’ll get him the help he needs – even if he says no.”

He began to clean himself up at the sink – looking back at the reflection and barely being able to recognize the person looking back at him. “How did you let him get to this point? You knew he wasn’t happy – he told you he wanted to be gone – how could you let him do this? You should’ve kept your eyes on him – he shouldn’t be awake crying by himself – why weren’t you there for him?” Naruto threw his fist into the counter again; his knuckles immediately dotting with blood.

“Fuck –” Naruto spoke under his breath as he ran his fist under the strikingly cold water.

“Excuse me.” A soft voice came from behind the door; Naruto immediately threw open the door – nearly knocking the medical ninja down.

“Will you be riding with us to the hospital?” Her voice was soft; such a contrast to the situation at hand.

“Is he okay?” He looked right through her, his eyes finding Sasuke on a stretcher – eyes closed and bandages wrapping the lower half of his arm – blooding already threatening to pass through the material.

“Sir,” she kept her even tone, “we need to get him to the hospital; are you coming in the ambulance with us?”

“Yes.” Naruto nearly yelled at this young ninja, “Is he okay?”

“He’ll be okay, but he’s lost a lot of blood and we are going to have to place him in a psychiatric watch for a few days,” she paused; Naruto barely being able to keep his temper at bay as he awaited her to continue on, “You won’t be able to visit him there.”

“Fuck that,” he scoffed, throwing his shoes on, “I’ll visit him whenever I want.”

He knew he was being harsh; he knew that the young ninja had no say in the policies at hand, but he couldn’t help but lash out – not when he was staring directly at the only person he ever loved on a stretcher in their bedroom.

The ride in the ambulance was deafening; the sounds of Sasuke groaning in pain causing the air around Naruto to feel thick – suffocating. He couldn’t help watch the ninja frantically poking him with various needles; one staying above him constantly giving chakra to him.

“When we arrive you’ll be asked to sit in the waiting room – Lady Tsunade already spoke to us letting us know that she would meet you there to discuss what happened.” They spoke to not stir Sasuke, Naruto just nodding his head.

“What am I going to tell her?” his hands clenched into fists resting atop his knees. “I failed him – that’s what I have to tell her. He’s barely been back in the village for six months and I haven’t been able to help him transition back at all.” Tears continued to fall down his face as his chest fluttered with panic as they pulled into the hospital.

Naruto pressed past the two ninjas as they pulled in; grasping onto Sasuke’s hand, grabbing onto it as if it would be the last time he would ever be able to do so. “I’ll be there for you when you wake up Sasuke – I’ll get you through this.” His voice was shaking; tears falling onto the white blanket that was wrapped around him.

Naruto couldn’t help but let his gaze look over at his wrist; blood still soaking through the bandages as fast as they could add another. Nausea; immediate nausea. Naruto thought he was going to be sick in the ambulance; he knew he had to keep it up just for a few more moments – to be strong for Sasuke, even if he wasn’t able to see him.

As soon as the back doors of the ambulance opened, Tsunade was standing awaiting their arrival.

“What happened?” her voice pierced through the rest of the chaos as they pulled Sasuke down and rushed him inside.

“I –” Naruto broke. He couldn’t do anything for the tears that were falling; screaming for help as they plummeted to the ground. He felt dizzy, nauseous, scared, confused – but mostly pissed off; not at Sasuke, but at himself. “I couldn’t’ help him!” his tone was above the normal range; Tsunade immediately realizing the always happy and energetic Naruto was nowhere to be found. “He cried to himself all night and I never woke up; damnit!” he dug his fingers into the tops of his thighs, “If I would’ve woken up, we wouldn’t be here – he would be fine – he’ll be fine.” His voice trailing off; only speaking as if to reassure himself.

“I don’t think I understand Naruto?” she rested her hand on his shoulder, pulling him close to her, “Do you think you can explain so we know how to better help him?”

“He doesn’t want help.” He contemplated stating; but, he didn’t want to worry her – he didn’t want her to give up on him.

“Come on,” she pulled him forward, “let’s go sit and you can tell me everything you feel comfortable sharing.”

The chaos of the waiting room was uncomfortable, even for Tsunade the restlessness of the other waiting loved ones was making her skin crawl; people crying, praying, hoping that their loved ones would make it through the morning.

As they sat down many eyes darted towards them, specifically Naruto. Naruto couldn’t go anywhere without people staring; especially after the Fourth Ninja War – even more so once Sasuke came back to the village.

He couldn’t even manage to pay them a passing glance; as soon as he slouched into the chair he lost all composure once more. His body shaking in fear; shaking in anger. “Fuck.” He spoke under his breath; knowing that him losing his composure wasn’t helping Sasuke any – but at this point, nothing was helping him.

“Come on Naruto; just tell me what happened?” Tsunade leaned towards him, her voice low to not draw suspicion from the people surrounding them.

“He hates himself; he hates himself so much that he thought that this was his only choice.” His hands dug into his hair – pulling from the roots.

“Sasuke did this to himself?” she pondered.

“Fucking hell Tsunade did you think I did this to him?” he snapped his head up to glare at her; a pain spreading in his chest when realized that maybe she wasn’t insinuating something too off.

“No – I just didn’t know what happened.” She shook her head, “I thought you said he was doing okay.”

“He only tells me what he wants me to know;” the tears falling down his face still begging him to not let them fall, “he’s been having a rough week.” He shifts his focus forward; voice dropping lower – he finally figures that the first step in getting Sasuke help is to tell Tsunade all he knows. “He had a nightmare; at least that’s what he told me. It was about his family – that’s all I know. After that he woke me up sobbing in the bed beside me, I held him there and he told me that he wished Itachi would’ve killed him then so he wouldn’t be in the pain he was in.” he wiped the tears on his chin and took a deep breath in, “The rest of the week he was distant – more distant than usual. He would hold me and tell me that he loved me, tell me that the world almost seemed worth staying in because of me – I didn’t think about how deep these statements were; I didn’t think he was thinking about killing hims-” he cut himself off, choking on the tears falling in the back of his throat; choking on the thought that he didn’t help him when he should have.

“You couldn’t have known.” She placed her hand against his shoulder, “He’ll be fine.”

“I got here as soon as I heard,” Kakashi crouched down in front of the two of them, “are you okay?” his eyes staying on Naruto.

All Naruto could do was shake his head “no” as he fell forward, resting his head in the crook of Kakashi’s neck. He cried harder than he had the whole morning, feeling comfort in his sensei’s present. Kakashi just let him while Tsunade filled him to the best of her ability.

Kakashi trembled under Naruto when she said he did it to himself; Kakashi knew that pain all too well – but he never attempted to act on it; at least not to the point of hospitalization.

“Hey,” he pushed him off his shoulder, “you need to be strong for him; you can’t go in there and be a blubbering mess – you know Sasuke wouldn’t appreciate that.”

Naruto agreed and fell back into Kakashi; he couldn’t stop himself from crying, it was as though all of Sasuke’s pain was coming out of him in the form of tears.

“Uzumaki Naruto?” a medical ninja peered from the corner, Kakashi pushed him up and he immediately stood up and rushed over to her.

“Can I see him?” he was still trying to find his voice that was lost deep in the darkness surrounding the morning.

“Follow me.” She opened the door and began walking back.

Naruto took note of how cold the floor was, the air smelling like antibacterial spray, the way the fluorescent lights ricocheted off the laminate floor into his eyes – hurting the already swollen area. These small details would resonate with him for the rest of his life; this day would stay with him for the rest of his life.

“You’ve already been told you won’t be able to visit him once we send him to the psychiatric watch, correct?” she kept her gaze forward and her voice soft.

“Yes.” He spoke frustrated, recalling that he meant to say something to Tsunade about that.

“Well, he needs to stay overnight here so we can watch his vitals – so you’re able to stay the night in his room if you so wish.” She turned and opened the door.

The lighting gave a blue hue to the room; the air was frigid. In the middle of the room was a hospital bed; a white cotton blanket wrapping around the person lying in it. The hall flooring was replaced with fake-wooden floors. It was meant to be calming, but Naruto was anything but calm.

As soon as his eyes found Sasuke he held his breath; he could feel his body threatening to cry again. “I have to be strong – I have to for Sasuke.” Naruto reminded himself of what Kakashi had told him.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” she turned to leave the room, “if you need anything you just have to hit the button beside the bed.”

Naruto nodded and immediately sprinted, as casually as he could, to the side of the bed.

“Hey –” he spoke softly, hoping that Sasuke would respond – hoping, that even though he looked so peaceful sleeping, that he would wake up so that he could see with his own eyes that he was alright.

Sasuke groaned and opened his eyes, immediately squinting from the light peering in from the window.

“Naruto?” Sasuke didn’t sound anything like himself; his voice was defeated – no longer cocky or stubborn.

“I told you I wasn’t going to leave you.” He spoke with such sincerity that a few of the tears that he was trying so hard to keep in escaped and found themselves fleeting quickly to the ground.

“I –” he immediately started crying, Naruto wrapping his arms around him as tightly as he could without hurting him. “I’m sorry.”

“No apologies. Just stay here with me; please.” He was begging him; he knew that he couldn’t handle losing him – especially not like this.

He nodded his head as he leaned into his shoulder; cries causing his whole body to shudder against him. Naruto placed gentle kisses in his hair, trying hard to keep himself from breaking down – to keep himself strong.

“I’m going to get you the help that you need, okay?” Naruto pleaded as he tightened his grip around him. “Everything will be okay; you just have to stay here – you can’t leave.”

Sasuke cried harder; he was shaking in Naruto’s arms, his voice weak from exhaustion, “I love you.”

That was all it took for Naruto to not be able to hold back anymore; the gates he placed around himself so that he would be strong were immediately torn down just by three simple words – nonetheless, three words that he wasn’t sure he was ever going to hear again.

Tears started falling rapidly into the darkness of Sasuke’s hair; he tried to keep his breathing even to somewhat emulate the gate was still strong.

“I love you too.” He placed a delicate kiss in his tousled hair; damp from sweat and tears. “You’re going to be okay.”

Sasuke nodded into his shoulder, “Naruto I’m really tired.” His voice was soft as Naruto pushed back to look at his face. His hand grazing the tears that were still falling gracefully down the sides of Sasuke’s cheeks; Sasuke closing his eyes with his touch.

“He’ll be okay.” Naruto reminds himself as he plops himself in the chair beside the bed. He places his feet up beside Sasuke; thankfully not waking him. Quickly he found himself drifting to sleep; thankfully, another sleep in the presence of the person he loves – breathing and hopeful.

Two weeks pass by:

The cold floors weren’t as shocking as they were the first night; Naruto had become accustomed to walking through the halls – breathing in the scent of antiseptic and medication. The guttural feeling of despair still pulling at his chest when the hospital door rang to let someone know there was a visitor.

“Uzumaki” The door clerk smiled and nodded at Naruto as he passed the doorway.

“Today is the big day.” He spoke cheerily; something that was only supposed to be a few days had quickly turned into a two-week stay at inpatient – but finally, he was going to get to bring Sasuke home.

Naruto had spent the last two weeks sitting in the visitor area; just enjoying breathing the same air as Sasuke – he only got to see him once. When he would go home he would frantically clean the bedroom, trying to rid the place of any memories of that night. He had to purchase new bedding, however, he tried to find bedding as close to the original as possible so Sasuke wouldn’t notice. He went through and cleaned out most sharp objects; sadly, he wasn’t able to get rid of much considering their careers.

“Can you sign this paperwork just assuring us that you understand what his treatment was for, all the medication he will be going home with, also, just the understanding that readjustment after leaving in-patient can be quite difficult for some?” The nurse pointed her finger along the line where he was expected to sign; Naruto signed impatiently as he gripped the sweatshirt he brought for Sasuke tightly in his arm.

“He’ll be out in a few minutes if you want to take a seat; he just has to sign some paperwork as well.”

Naruto nodded and took a seat in the same chair he had been sitting in for the past two weeks. He could feel his heart racing in his chest as he gripped the sweatshirt tighter, pulling it up to his face and taking in the faint scent left behind.

His chest tightened as he thought about seeing him, thought about wrapping his arms around him, thought about kissing his forehead before they fell asleep. He wanted to shower Sasuke in more love than he could ever possibly handle, but he knew he was going to have to take it slow and give him the space that he needs.

“Right this way,” the door opened slightly as the nurse poked her head out; finding Naruto and giving him a smile as she pushed the door open more.

Naruto found himself immediately standing as he recognized the thick black hair coming through the doorway. His heart was pounding out of his chest; the feeling of tears welling up in the corners of his eyes immediately overtaking him. He’s fine. He reminded himself. It took a lot of willpower for Naruto not to run over and embrace Sasuke but he knew that that would be frowned upon.

Sasuke looked up, dark circles enveloping his eyes, but a smile came across him as soon as he saw Naruto’s face. Home.

“Sasuke,” Naruto tried to keep his tone even as he walked over, clenching the sweatshirt tightly in his grip as if Sasuke’s safety depended on the sweatshirt. “hi.” He was kicking himself because he couldn’t think of anything else to mutter out to him.

“Hi.” Sasuke smiles as he immediately wrapped his arms around him; Naruto was taken aback by how tightly he was gripping him. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” He nuzzled his face into the crook of his neck; he couldn’t emphasize how much he missed him enough – the countless nights he woke up in panic recalling what happened to then not have Sasuke by his side was enough to nearly drive him crazy.

The nurse let out a polite cough, “If we can have you both just sign a few more things and then you are free to go home Sasuke.” She smiled as she placed a few more sheets of paper onto the desk.

Sasuke wrapped his hand tightly in Naruto’s as they both leaned over the desk, signing their names in unison on all the required spaces.

“Alright, Uchiha Sasuke.” The nurse picked up the paperwork and straightened them out on the desk, “You are free to leave.” She smiled and waved at the two of them, Sasuke already pulling Naruto out the door.

“Wait, Wait.” Naruto came to a stop, “It’s pretty cold outside, so I brought you this –” He held out the sweatshirt as Sasuke turned around and looked at him. “Here, I’ll help.”

They stood in the doorway, the cold air blowing across their hands. Naruto opened up the sweatshirt, holding it over Sasuke’s head. Without much thought he threw his arms up into the sweatshirt, allowing Naruto to pull it down over his head, he tugged it down over his body. When Naruto got it completely over him he brushed out the wrinkles and then leaned forward and placed a small kiss on the top of his head; “It’s good to see you smile again.”

Sasuke nodded back at him; giving Naruto a smile as the two of them made their way out of the hospital. He immediately took in a deep breath of the fresh brisk air outside, his arms wrapping around himself.

Naruto wrapped his arms around him as they walked to warm him up, “Are you hungry? We could go to Ichiraku?” he rubbed his hands alongside the tops of Sasuke’s arms, being careful not to touch his lower arms.

“I’m actually pretty tired,” he kept his gaze forward, “can we just go home?”

“Sure.” Naruto patted him on the shoulder as the two of them continued walking on their route home.

Their walk was quiet; Sasuke’s fingers tightly interlaced into Naruto’s – Naruto trying to notice every small detail that he had missed all too much during their time apart.

As they got closer to their home, Naruto could feel his heart begin to race; he couldn’t help but wonder if he had gotten everything cleaned up. Will Sasuke notice the change of sheets? Did I put away all the sharp objects? What happens if I missed one? Is he really okay?... Is he really okay? Naruto pondered to himself, watching Sasuke as he unlocked the front door – he could tell he was nervous too.

“I didn’t know you could keep the place this clean.” Sasuke jokes as he kicked off his shoes and placed them against the wall.

Naruto laughed and threw his hands behind his head, “Well sure Sasuke, I can keep the house clean –” he ran up to him, embodying him in a tight hug – his lips wavering right beside his ear, “- I can keep the house clean if it’s for you.”

Sasuke wasn’t prepared for the affection that he was trying to give him; immediately he threw his arms around Naruto pulling him in tighter; whatever words Naruto spoke were lost to him as he began to lose himself. Tears were falling rapidly onto their clothes before Naruto could realize anything was wrong.

“Oh, hey –” Naruto felt himself wavering; seeing Sasuke cry was something that he was prepared for – yet, not prepared for at all. He ran his hands through his hair, “it’s okay Sasuke.” He placed a kiss on the top of his head, “I’m here for you; I’ll always be here for you.”

He placed his face deeper into the crook of his neck, enjoying his scent – enjoying his breath – enjoying the feeling of his heart pattering in his chest. Home. Sasuke reminded himself. This is home.

Sasuke nor Naruto had a home growing up; families torn apart – or never started. Sasuke feeling the need to be perfect at everything to honor his family – to become stronger to fight his own brother. Naruto being mistreated and misunderstood by the entire village; scrounging for change at a young age just to be able to feed himself. Home was not easy for either of them; being with each other was the closest feeling of what they imagined home was supposed to be.

Sasuke could feel his heart beating out of his chest; he wanted to talk to Naruto, he wanted to apologize, truly apologize, for everything he put him through; from leaving the village to just two weeks ago. He deserves an apology. Sasuke had to think about his time in inpatient; they told him over and over again that he didn’t have to apologize for anything – especially not the incident that left him there – but he felt inclined that he had too. Looking at Naruto, Sasuke knew he wasn’t the same bubbly person he used to be – and he couldn’t help but blame himself.

“Sasuke,” Naruto placed his hand under his chin and lifted up, using his other hand to wipe away the tears as they fell rapidly down his cheeks, “I love you.” He kissed gently on his forehead, “Can you tell me what’s wrong? We can sit if you need?” he gestured towards the couch, which Sasuke immediately started walking towards.

“I’m sorry.” Sasuke let out as soon as he placed himself on the couch, “I’m sorry for leaving you all those years ago - I’m sorry I was too selfish to see how much you cared - I’m sorry I was too selfish to tell you how I felt - I’m sorry I ever tried to go against you – I’m sorry for this –” his voice was rushed, his thoughts all beginning to blend together as he began to pull up his sleeve to gesture the sutures along his wrist. As soon as Sasuke’s hand began lifting his sleeve Naruto met his hand with his own, holding his sleeve down to not allow him to pull it up.

His touch startled Sasuke, looking up he noticed Naruto’s eyes beginning to water – he could tell that he was trying so hard to hold in every bit of emotion that he could.

“Please,” he pleaded, “I don’t think I can handle that just yet.” Naruto dropped his gaze, still keeping his hand placed gently on top of Sasuke’s.

“I have to apologize, I –” Sasuke begged, “I don’t want you to hate me.” He shook his head, “You have to hate me.” He dropped his voice to just above a whisper; he didn’t want to admit that he thought Naruto hated him – but to him, there was no way he couldn’t.

“Stop.” Naruto was losing every emotion he worked so hard to hold back, like a storm raging war against a perfectly calm sea, “Can’t you tell how much I love you; I’ve chased you for so many years –” Naruto shakes his head, disregarding each tear that fell from his face, “How is it not obvious how much I love you – how I would give anything away just to have you in my life, even if just for a fleeting moment?”

Naruto watched as Sasuke trembled at his words, his hand still resting along his wrist – squeezing slightly as if to show himself that he was still there.

“Sasuke, I could never hate you.” He removes his hand from Sasuke’s and places it instead along his cheek, brushing the tears away with his thumb as they fell rampantly, “I had plenty of opportunities to hate you but that never once crossed my mind; I just wanted to save you. I wanted us to finally be a family, a family that neither of us got to experience. I wanted to hold you at night and tell you about my day; I wanted you to tell me about yours.” He took note of how shaky his voice was, he was in no way holding himself together for Sasuke – but he wasn’t quite sure if composure was what Sasuke needed, “I wanted you to smile; even if only at me – I just wanted to watch your lips twitch upwards stupidly not because you felt like you had to, but because you were happy.”

Naruto studied Sasuke’s expression as he fell apart in front of him; his emotions tearing away the upbeat personality that he had held on to for so long – each tear shedding off a layer as it fell across his skin.

“I want to be happy.” Sasuke’s voice was small, so small that it made Naruto feel like he had been yelling at him, “I want nothing more than to be happy with you, but-” he feels himself waiver, and Naruto’s heart sinks, “there shouldn’t be a ‘but,” he thinks to himself. Sasuke was shaking more; his tears falling like dangerous shards of glass ready to pierce anything in their way. “Naruto, I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Hearing his name fall on his lips in a sentence like that made Naruto’s heartache with grief; how would he ever convince him that he deserved more than happiness? That he deserved to be loved; in all actuality, Naruto truly believed that Sasuke deserved the world and if there was anything more than that, he deserved that as well.

He can tell he has lost himself in the abyss of emotion when Sasuke looks up at him and his expression is one of shock; Naruto couldn’t help but think that though this is not nearly the first time he had found himself crying more than he was smiling – it may be the first time Sasuke had seen it.

“You deserve to be happy.” Naruto struggled to find the words stuck between the gasps of air.

“I don’t.” Sasuke was blunt, his hand squeezing along his wrist – harder now; not reminding him that he was present and in the moment, instead giving him the pain he thought he deserved

“Please, stop.” Naruto searched his face, looking for any shred of emotion – instead he was met with the normal blank slate, only differing were the tears streaming down his face. It pained Naruto to see him like that but he couldn’t help but wonder how many nights Sasuke had spent disheveled and broken like this by himself; was this what he had looked like two weeks ago as the sun began to pour onto the darkness waiting inside?

He reached out, pulling the hand that Sasuke had gripped tightly around his wrist away from causing him more pain. He held their hands suspended between the two of them; his fingers tracing the small scars that scattered his hands. His eyes meeting Sasuke and he finally noticed a difference in his expression, pain. And not the kind of pain that is fixed by a mere doctor's visit – the kind of pain that keeps you up at night, wondering what is to come – wondering if anything in life is what you deserve – or if the pain is even worth it at all. His heart aches as he looks into his eyes; he only wished he could transfer all the feelings he had towards Sasuke to him just so he could know how incredibly important he was. He slowly moved his hand to the backside of Sasuke’s, continuing to trace the scars with his fingers. He slowly began to move their palms towards Sasuke’s chest, allowing Sasuke’s open palm to rest above his own heart.

“Do you feel that?” Naruto pleaded, his eyes lost in despair.

“Mhm,” Sasuke noted quietly, his eyes were closed as if he were feeling his heartbeat for the first time.

“Why do you need pain to remind you that you are alive when you have that to prove it; to prove that you are worthy of happiness and love and care.” Naruto can feel Sasuke’s heart beat faster under their hands. “Why do you continue to hurt yourself when instead you can be loved? Do you not think your heart deserves to be loved when all it’s known is hurt?”

Naruto is scrambling to get words out, he feels like nothing is making sense – but he knows that all Sasuke has known is hurt and pain; it’s all either of them have known.

“It does.” He kept his eyes tightly closed but Naruto could see the tears begin to fall harder, his voice hitching when he spoke – his heart racing faster.

He couldn’t help but pull his hand off his, immediately noting that Sasuke kept his hand firmly against his chest. Naruto reached forward and placed his palm on his face, once again finding himself wiping away tears faster than they could fall.

“I’m so sorry Sasuke that I couldn’t be there for you all those years that you were so alone. But, I’m here for you now, to give your heart the love that it has missed out on.” He closes his eyes to really think about everything they had been through together, “I’m here for you even if you need me at four in the morning because you had a bad dream; I’m here and I’m not leaving – not unless you tell me to.”

Compared to now, Sasuke hadn’t fully let himself cry up to this point, now he was losing it – each tear accompanied by a deep inhale in; as if each tear was suffocating him by its mere existence. His hand left his chest and instead wrapped itself around Naruto’s that was resting on his face.

The couch that had once brought them comfort after a long day of work; the couch that more often than not Sasuke would find himself tangled in Naruto’s arms as he placed delicate kisses along his neck, the couch where Naruto first told Sasuke he loved him was now being used as a place of mourning, a place of brokenness, a place that darkness was welcomed instead of turned away.

The rough-warn edges of the couch looked brand-new compared to the two warn and desperate lovers that rested upon it. Both of them falling apart with the others touch; a touch they both desperately needed but somehow felt like a thousand needles upon impact.

“I don’t,” Sasuke stumbled on his words as he realized how broken his voice actually sounded; he couldn’t help but wonder if this was finally him allowing himself to feel for everything that has gone wrong in his life, “I don’t want you to leave.” He would never allow himself to feel this much in another’s touch; he knew he could never love someone as much as he loved the crying idiot in front of him.

As he opened his swollen and blurry eyes he took in the way Naruto was patiently looking back at him – waiting for him to say more or give wordless permission for him to continue talking. He couldn’t help but notice the way his tears were falling freely with nothing stopping them from crashing onto the couch below them.

“Please don’t leave.” He couldn’t believe that he was practically begging Naruto to stay with him. He couldn’t tell if it was the influx of emotions he was feeling or if it was the various medications in his system – regardless, he knew he meant it from his still-beating heart that he wanted him there with him, always.

Through the hushed gasps of air and the violently falling tears came a delicate smile spreading across Naruto’s face. Sasuke felt his heartbeat harder as he watched an odd calmness come across his face

“That’s all I needed you to tell me.” Naruto somehow found an even speaking tone and made sure to speak every word clearly. Sasuke noticed a sparkle in his eyes that wasn’t there before; he hoped more than anything that that gleam in his eyes was proof that his fun, loud, annoying self was still there, that this was just a fleeting thing – that he hadn’t ruined the only good thing in his life.

He immediately found himself engulfed in Naruto’s embrace, his hand finding his way through his hair and resting just at the top of his head. Delicate kisses were placed on his forehead as he guided Sasuke towards him, laying him in his lap and gently as possible.

“That’s all you’ve ever needed to tell me.” His voice is just above a whisper and Sasuke closes his eyes allowing himself to feel everything for the second time that night.

There was a warmth to his chest, a warmth he hadn’t noticed before. Love? He pondered; he couldn’t help but wonder if this warmth was what he had been missing for so long. There was something familiar about it, however, it was a distant familiarity.

Did I really want to die? Sasuke thought back two weeks ago; he couldn’t help but wonder if Naruto had held him like this that night if he would’ve made the same decisions. But, he didn’t blame Naruto; he knew that he had kept all of his feelings hidden as best as possible as to not worry him.

The warmth in his chest had encapsulated his entire body; from his toes all the way to the top of his head where Naruto continued playing with his hair. He felt overwhelmed, but for the first time, it was an overwhelming feeling that he welcomed.

“Naruto,” Sasuke kept his eyes closed as the tears continued to fall, enjoying this new-found feeling, “I love you.”

Sasuke’s head rested against Naruto’s chest, as he spoke he noticed his heart beating quicker under his ear. Naruto’s hand going still in his hair for a moment before he quickly rustled his hair.

“I love you too Sasuke.” Naruto kept his voice soft, but Sasuke could tell that if anything the tears that were falling rampantly before were doing nothing but falling faster now.

The overwhelming feeling of warmth and love made an already tired Sasuke nearly immobile. He could feel his body slowly begin to get more weighted – he wasn’t sure if he would be able to move from Naruto’s lap, but he wasn’t sure that he wanted to anyway.

His eyes became heavy, and he knew that it was likely because of the medication that he ensured to take before coming home; though he never wanted this evening to end he couldn’t help but let sleep take over his body, quickly placing his head in the crook of Naruto’s shoulders. Taking in the last moment of warmth that he could only hope to feel again when he woke up.

Naruto felt Sasuke slowly become heavy in his arms; the nurses had told him to expect him to be exceptionally drowsy over the next few days as he adjusts to his medication, so it was no surprise to Naruto when he felt Sasuke’s breathing even out and his body stop trembling from the tears cried.

He couldn’t help but stare at him; the sun peering through the windows allowing warmth to fill the room, a warmth that covered Sasuke from head-to-toe; a warmth that was nothing but a façade a mere few weeks ago.

#naruto #naruto x sasuke #sasunaru #narusasu #fanfiction #depresision #sasuke #sorry this is sad

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