Ive come to face the facts that most people are not special or unique.
Were all looking for the ideation that we are based on things society looks up to.
This realization came to myself in a mirror.
Average face. Average name. Average interests.
Spirituality is a cry for help in the ears of a lost soul.
And like a kid to a van with candy i was kidnapped.
Enticed on the sugar high that life could be sweet.
My genetics tell me a sad tale otherwise.
Just another sad chick on the internet.
My depression will ruin any glimpse of light.
Ill never fully understand why i am this way.
I wish i could go back and ask.
A man from my past who fell to the same darkness.
He said “One day you wont understand but youll want to ask me. When you do… call.”
A month later his darkness consumed him.
And here i am questionably lost in my own shade of night.
Wondering what he would have said to me now if he were alive.
I want to smoke but without the o and the e, now read it backwards.
These could be my last living hours and nobody would care because in this world, I don’t exist. I’m only alive when someone needs me for something, so let me be dead- nobody will need me again. So let me be dead and I will live on as a wish, a wish that will never come true because the star you are wishing on has already died.
I don’t know how many times I’ve survived myself,
without telling anyone else.
Que a veces es mejor no insistir, no entusiasmarse, no pensar tanto, que sea lo que tenga que ser. Breve o eterno.
You know everytime something bad happens with me people start acting all nice like they care. Like I’m fragile. Like I’m gonna fall apart and I guess that’s half of the ploy but there’s another side to this. I don’t just crumble away like a wilting flower most of the time. Some days I just fall apart and all you have to say to me is hi.
I’m not fragile like a flower. I’m fragile like a bomb. Call that cheesy but I am. Some days I just blow up at people. I stuff all the bad shit and crap days is this bag and bury that deep inside me but what do you know it tends to explode with all the toxic shit that’s in it. They tell you to let go but some of the shit in that bag has been there for years and just keeps rekindling the spark that never gives way.
If I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m not known as an angry person but maybe once or twice a year you see my true problems beneath this skin, beneath this smile. You see me explode. You see me get angry. You see my rage and anger. You see a completely different person and sometimes it scares me more then it scares everyone else.
You’re suffering, but don’t tell anyone, don’t show it or fail, nobody has to know. It’s always okay, always good.
The idea to do a bunch of stimulants just for the depressive episode and heavily negative outlook afterwords, is really taunting. It only makes suicide easier.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes
But when you look back everything is different.
But the truth is,
I just stopped feeling.
When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell
‘Cause I’m a piece of shit, it ain’t hard to fuckin’ tell
It don’t make sense, goin’ to heaven with the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies
God’ll prob'ly have me on some real strict shit
If you follow me I’m so sorry for you. Because it probably means that you are going through a really bad time right now. Hope we get through this together.
I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists.
One where my heart is full.
And my soul is understood.