Mi-septembre, je me réveille au bruit de la pluie. L'automne apporte avec lui le froid et l'humidité. L'angoisse me met des larmes aux yeux, un changement de rythme, une mise à l'épreuve, je frissonne désorientée.
Je dors tellement mieux ces jours-ci à croire que tout va pour le mieux. À vrai dire, je souhaite que la nuit soit plus longue, que le soleil ne se lève pas. Elle ne me parle plus, plus de deux semaines d'exil. C'est lourd et suffocant. Je me retrouve dans une situation délicate, je n'ai pas assez de patience pour me taire ni assez d'éloquence et de sang froid pour m'exprimer. Je suis vexée, blessée, mais en même temps, je me sens mal et coupable. Suis-je si insupportable qu'on m'évite et qu'on trouve du confort en mon absence, l'idée de mon départ est elle si réconfortante. Je sens que je vaux mieux que ça, que je pourrais plaider ma cause si je trouvais les mots, mais on a déjà une mauvaise image de moi, mes actes et mes dires sont interprétés dans le pire des sens et à chaque tentative d'y remédier, je creuse sous mes pieds. Il n'y a rien de plus frustrant que d'être mal comprise, je vis avec eux, ils pensent me connaître, mais ils ont tort et ils ne le réalisent pas, mes pensées, mes intentions, mes sentiments, tout est déformé et perçu de façon tordue, ils projettent sur moi un être que je ne suis pas, qui ne me va pas.
Il faut vieillir pour être sage, c'est de ce fait que mon sentiment est tu à peine écouté. Pourtant, je connus mon père, et il n'a rien eu de sage. Avec l'âge vient une rigidité du jugement, un esprit renfermé et un aveuglement face à ses propres erreurs et défauts. Comme du verre qui, chaud, se courbe et s'étire à volonté, mais une fois refroidit, se fige, indéformable au risque de se briser en mille morceaux. Ma peine est donc illégitime, et mes émotions banalisées en caprices. Le plus je rejoue toutes ces scènes, le plus, je me sens misérable et humiliée, j'ai encore le goût de l'injustice amer sur la langue. Elle a tendance à s'emporter et ma résistance ne fait qu'aggraver les choses. Prête à nous brûler toutes les deux dans le feu de sa rage, elle alimente ses propres flammes. Je n'ai pas la douceur et la froideur nécessaire pour y faire face, je crie à mon tour. Mais où mène tout ça ? Nulle part. Il tourne et il tourne pour revenir au point de départ. Une terre infertile où rien ne pousse, une averse sur des dunes de sable, rien ne se crée et tout se perd. Et de la noirceur abyssale de la rancœur, le diable rit et son rire résonne jusqu’à mes oreilles.
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— 𝟏𝟏:𝟒𝟐 𝐏𝐌 : ryuguji ken.
“ken,” you hum softly, laid ontop of draken with your chests pressed to eachother, as you admire how his features are outlined in the city lights that flicker outside your window. the onyx strands of his long hair are fanned across the pillow, and you carress the soft, dark locks, as you repeat his name. “ken.”
“mhm?” he answers, voice hoarse with sleep. his eyes open up in slits, not yet completely asleep — still having some energy left to listen to whatever you’re about to say.
you smile a little at how relaxed he is; a result of how you’d pushed him onto the bed on his stomach as soon as he was out of the shower, and kneaded all the tension and stiffness out of his muscles with your hands — pressing kisses to his skin and feeling him shiver under you as you worked on him, doing your best to help him unwind.
“how were you even single,” you murmur, bringing your hands up and cupping his cheeks in them, strong jaw hard against the heels of your palms. he looks so sweet, eyes barely open as they meet yours. “when we met? you’re way too handsome to be single.”
there’s a little pause after your question — a silence, in which draken contemplates an answer, tries to pick one to give you.
there are many answers he could give, most of them bluntly truthful and painful to face, and when you realize that fact (because you know, you know the things he’s been through. he’s told you.) you feel a hint of guilt—
but before it can spread, before it can envelope you along with the silence and cause you to pull away or apologize, he smiles.
draken smiles, lets out a breathy little chuckle, and his lips move just a little when he murmurs softly, “probably ‘cause fate wanted to lead me straight to you.”
you lay still for a second, still draped over his chest — and after a blink, you regain composure, too. grinning, you lean closer, and gently bump your nose with his. “that’s cheesy, ken. didn’t know you were a cliche.”
“only for you,” he exhales, reaching out slowly, muscled arm wrapping across your back as he grips you by the nape and pulls you in for a kiss. “’m a cliche, and a sap, and everything in between. for you.”
“really?” you push, kissing him back. “name some things you’d do for me, then. since you’re such a sap for me.” he groans against your lips, body still slack and relaxed, but when you pull back and tap him on the temple, asserting your need for his answer, he opens his eyes wider.
“alright, alright.” he mumbles. “let me think.”
honestly, you don’t need draken to list down things he would do for you — because during the years you’ve been together, you’ve seen enough of his gestures of love and affection for you.
this house itself, with its cozy living room, clean bathroom and full kitchen— was a token, of all the effort you and draken have both put into your love for eachother.
the very bed you both are laying on right now, built up by draken’s two hands, sheeted and blanketed by yours — a fine omen to your shared devotion to one another.
but it’s nice to hear it, anyway. draken clears his throat, opens his mouth, and you listen eagerly, eyes sparkling expectantly.
“i would …” he begins, frowning as he thinks. “make my own brand of engine, one day. it would work smoothly, run fast and steady, and never break down. if it did, then it would be easy and quick to fix.”
huh? “what does that—” you begin, but draken shushes you, brings an index finger to your lips and tells you, hold on, baby. so you close your mouth and keep listening.
“it would be everything good,” he says. “and nothing bad that can’t be easily understood and fixed.”
“uh huh,” you lay your chin on his chest, watching as he pauses to think clearly through the sleep that’s clouding his mind. “and … it would last long. forever. or as long as forever is, for you.”
“is that possible?” you muse, and he shrugs his shoulders, lashes fluttering as he tries to stay awake for you. “i’m just thinking of— of an engine that would run like you and me.”
there’s a moment of quiet, before it hits you — before what he’s trying to say makes sense, and you cant help the way you sit up, knees straddling his sides as you straighten up and burst out laughing. “god, ken! have you always been like this? so cheesy?”
“shut it, it’s late.” draken scowls, pushing you back and sitting up, and the headboard creaks as he uses it to support himself. when he shushes you again, you put a hand over your mouth and giggle — and he can’t help but laugh with you, because you’re so fucking cute when you’re happy, when you’re giggling at him; what else is he supposed to do?
shifting your position and taking your rightful seat in his lap, you place your hands on his shoulders, warming your hands by rubbing gentle circles across them before you cup his face in them again. “mm, so you would build an engine that runs smooth, easy and lasts forever. just like our love?”
“yeah,” he grunts, eyes heavy, but still looking gently at you with them. “and i’d name it after you.”
“no way,” you pinch his cheeks, leaning close so you can give him a peck on the lips. “you’d name it after me?”
“i just said i would, baby.” he hums, tilting his face a little as he kisses you back. “are you even listening?”
maybe you’re not listening, you think — because in that moment, the lights coming through your window flicker; maybe a car passed the street, or a late night bus. and as the lights blink, so does the glimmer in draken’s eyes, and the soft indigo hues that paint the slants of his face and neck.
and fuck, he’s so beautiful, you could lose your mind. “would you … change D & D MOTORS to my name, if i asked?”
“no,” he scoffs. “inui would riot.”
“he wouldnt,” you pout, tangling your arms around his neck and pressing yourself to his chest, resting your head on his shoulder. you faintly feel his heart beating, as your chests touch, and a tender warmth fills you as you listen to the pulse. “he’s nice.”
“hmph,” he mocks, hugging you to him and sliding his fingers in your hair. a pleasant shiver runs through your body as he scratches your scalp, and you hum in satisfaction.
outside, the night is cold — it’s warm with your bodies so close together, draken’s big, muscled form providing you all the heat you need; but you would have to get some blankets before you actually settle down to sleep.
“and what would you do?” he asks, before you can think of climbing off him to go get the extra blankets. his voice is even softer now, feeling drowsy again, with how comfortable you feel on him. “for me, since you love me so much.”
“hmm,” you hum, turning your head up and locking eyes with him again, as he looks down at you. you lift your hand, and drag a finger down the slope of his nose, and tap his lips. “i would … stay with you.”
“what does that mean? he asks, and you press a kiss to his collarbone, before you continue. "i would stay with you. simple as that. i’ll stay with you, ken. i’ll stay, and i’ll love you. i’ll be here, when you wake up in the morning. be here, when you fall asleep at night. i’ll … be the love you store in that engine you’ll make.”
he stares, gaze focused, as you whisper. “i’ll love you forever. and i’ll stay with you forever. as long as forever is, for you.”
there’s another silence, before draken nudges you up, and when you sit up, he places his hands around your waist, and pulls you close. kissing you softly, gently, he sighs, just a hint of amusement hiding under his sleepy tone. “look who’s the cliche now.”
and you don’t miss a beat, with your answer. “a cliche, and a sap, and everything in between. all for you, ken.”
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