#desirability

[mumblingsage]

One 2015 study found that just seeing fat men more regularly increased attraction toward them in women who date men. The politics of desirability are shaped by who we are allowed to see as desirable, which is in turn shaped by who we are allowed to see.

-from "You Just Need to Lose Weight" and 19 Other Myths about Fat Peopleby Aubrey Gordon

#desirability #representation #body positivity #Aubrey Gordon

[femmefatalevibe]

Hey femme,

I have harsh face features that makes me so unapproachable. Do you have any advice for me. I’m 22 never been in a relationship before, no one is even interested in me. Help me.

Hi love! While I understand your longing to be desired by your preferred sex, evaluating your worth or desirability in general on romantic/sexual attention is a fruitless pursuit. You can try to wear makeup/hairstyles that help soften your features.

Makeup: glowy highlighter, rosy blush on your cheeks, soft nude/glossy lip shades, softly-arched brows, mascara with soft/satin-textured eyeshadow & inner corner highlight

Hair: Longer hairstyles with soft waves or curls, layers/curtain bangs, side parts, half-up/half-down updos or braids

Otherwise, try not to clench your jaw or have your eyes appear hypervigilant when conversing with others.

Smile & laugh when you're enjoying yourself/the company around you. Otherwise, warding off creeps is truly a blessing in disguise. Being unapproachable as a woman is not as bad of a thing as we are often told in our patriarchal society. Finding a middle ground that gives you the agency to let down your guard as safe and desired should always be the goal.

Hope this helps xx

#self concept #approachable #desirability #self confidence #beauty tips #beauty advice #hairstyle ideas #hair tips #haircut inspo #femmefatalevibe #q/a

[moonfirebrides]

‘Black women are increasingly isolated by society to devastating effects and then punished for talking about it. When Black women online speak of isolation, loneliness and lack of care in romantic relationships, people descend onto our vulnerability like sharks in a frenzy. Men ask what we bring to the table, to demand so much. They blame us for the harms done to us by others, with accusations of “choosing the wrong men,” in a world full of men socialised to devalue us.’

By Shaadi Devereaux, Black Love: Decolonising Love In A World Rigged For Black Women’s Loneliness, Refinery

#black beauty #natural hair #beauty #black women #black woman #misogynoir #desirability #racism #beauty ideal #white supremacy #loneliness #black love #black women matter #blm #antiblackness #decolonisation #decolonization

[andsheoverthinks]

on femcels and women's right to be horny (and have feelings in general)

i understand how being voluntarily celibate can be empowering especially for het women, but both men and women are in denial and believe women cannot be involuntarily celibate, even though the person who started the term was a woman named Alana. unfortunately now Alana's movement isn't about shy late bloomers, it's about stupid misogynist hateful serial killer rapist men. i hate that they took this term away from women.

why does everyone talk about Elliot Rodger but not Christine Chubbuck? why is a hateful misogynist serial killer tragic and overanalyzed and moralized and even worshipped while a sad, lonely woman who killed herself unimportant? in fact, many of the comments on a post about her suicide call her ugly or a horrible person, or worse, say they want to see the video, even asking where they can watch it. women's pain isn't real, it's just entertainment.

the way people talk about women's experience of romance and sexuality is very isolating for me. there's this belief that all women are swimming in dick and lusty DMs and men willing to drop everything for us and someone asked us to prom in high school and it's not true. i wish we could have more discussions about women who are late bloomers, women who are horny and unwanted and undesirable, women who are seen as below 'normal women' in a patriarchial society. if you aren't desirable, men may not see you as a sexual utility but they will still see you as free therapy, free to offload work on, and a resource to 'practice on' to learn to court and charm 'real women.' men ask for my number to pick my brain and drain me. to ask me to do their thinking and their work for them.

ugly women are invisible. sometimes this invisibility to men (and women) keeps me safe around them. sometimes it makes me want to curl up into a ball and cry because i've felt so inconsequential my whole life. like sometimes people see right through me.

i am not even that fucking ugly! i am black, and i'm flat chested with no ass, and my face is a little asymmetrical, and my top teeth need braces so i have a better bite, but i'm not even that fucking ugly! i dress nice, and i wear makeup (sorry radfems, i'm weaning myself off), and i smell nice! i'm not even that fucking ugly! i have reverse body dysmorphia or something. i look in the mirror when i've feeling like shit, and think wow, i'm actually kind of cute. would i get followers on social media? no. but i'm not even that fucking ugly.

it's deadly to your self-esteem to know that men would fuck anything and you're below anything. you are not just a woman, which is an object, you are a defective object. it's hard to talk about this because people see sexual exploitation as wrong, but don't care about emotional exploitation. when men aren't sexually active, it's a crisis and we have to talk about legalizing prostitution because women are resources not people, when women aren't sexually active, it doesn't matter because women don't have needs and feelings. especially as a black woman, i am expected to give give give. the only reason my body is not one of things i'm expected to give is because no one wants it. everything else? give give give. ever read the giving tree?

and everyone says well if it bothers u so much there has to be a guy willing to fuck you (use you as masturbation sleeve) somewhere in the world! after all u are warm body w pussy someone will come along to use u as blowup sex doll! go on tinder and sell ur body for $3.50 coffee! you want to have mutally enjoyable sex with someone who cares about you and maybe loves you and doesn't just see u as wet holes w legs? fuck you, uppity bitch! no wonder you're single!

u tried asking men out? they said no? well u must have went for 6 foot 9 figures 12 inch dick man? is that right? no? ofc you did, lying bitch!

no one would ever say this shit to a man. keep your head up bro! these hoes ain't loyal! lemme tell u what, take a shower and get a job and the bitches be flocking to u! i was just like u bro, then i met my hot wife! get ur passport and get out this country, these modern women are ran-through bitches, find urself a submissive traditional woman from (insert Slavic or Asian country).

the idea of femcels, especially dissatisfied femcels, makes terminally online men so so angry. because it suggests that women do have feelings and needs. and we shouldn't. femcels are transgressive. we're not supposed to exist. even funnier, it suggests that some of them whining and raving, have actually been turning down perfectly good women who don't fit their porn-informed standards.

if i say i want to have a romantic experience at least once before i die, i'll be told i'm just brainwashed or dick-struck (never seen one in real life) or some other kind of delusional. you don't really need it. you don't really want it. what is with the obsession of forcing women into self-denial? nothing tastes as good as skinny feels! stop fantasizing about getting to have a sloppy makeout session, you don't really want it. of course women are better than men at reducing their carbon footprint, we're used to limiting our consumption.

but it's not true, i fucked myself up already believing i didn't deserve to experience desire and have a sexuality because i was too ugly and you're not pushing me back there again. being horny is my right, i'm human too.

#ranting #femcel #female hysteria #radfem #radfems do touch #i'm not even that fucking ugly #desirability politics #desirability #misogyny #tw suicide

[grey29]

I love trans men so fuckin much fuckin gorgeous dudes. I think it’s easy to fall into a state of not being able to see yourself as desirable but that is so far from true. You deserve to have people look into your soul and see your body and be so deeply in love with both.

#ftm #trans men #I keep seeing trans men (myself included) feel like they were such pretty girls and they’re ruining that as men #and like #the state of being a trans man is a beautiful thing #I think it’s ok to feel all the feelings #but like I also genuinely do think trans men are so so beautiful. #they make me think of sunsets and big potted plants #desirability #rambles

[shift-dreamr]

Anyone else shifting to Ted Lasso? Because Jamie’s a prick but he got really hot in season 3

#maybe it was the human decency that he learned #it just added so much to his #desirability #reality shift #reality shifting #desired reality #anti shifters dni #shifters #shiftinconsciousness #shifting #shiftblr #mental health #funny

[uncanny-tranny]

Your post about not being desirable pre transition really spoke to me bc same. I was a kid/teen who was fat, autistic, and visibly chronically ill and I knew before the age of ten that everyone considered me a failed girl. Like, family members and classmates would say "she's not a real girl" sometimes in those words and I was treated with pity or hostility. I want to medically transition (I'm multigender) but I'm still trying to figure out if I can reclaim that girlhood in some way or if I should abandon it. It's so complicated. Anyway thanks for putting it into words.

I hope you find peace, and reclamation wherever you can, however that looks.

The "failed gender" is absolutely a phenomenon, and it's something I felt (not in my family, but it was something I noticed as I grew). There is this idea that man and woman aren't truly the only genders, even in a bioessentialist worldview, but that "failed girl/woman" and "failed boy/man" are almost like genders used to punish those who don't adhere to standards or expectations.

I don't think this is just about desirability, but that talking about desirability can be a way to open up into deeper questions and conversations about what is rewarded and what is punished - a lot of what is seen as desirable functions because there are rewards or lack of punishment put in place for certain things. This is a rant, though.

I'm glad that you were vulnerable and spoke about your own experiences. Know that you aren't alone in any of this. I'm really sorry that your experiences weren't ideal, though. You never deserved to feel at all like you have "failed" at anything. I hope you find nothing but happiness, that you may embrace who you are.

#ask #anon #trans #transgender #lgbt #lgbtq #desirability

[fl4mb0y4nt]

Okay but can we talk about gender and desirability? Since I've started my journey of self-discovery and becoming more and more of a total gender fuck, I feel like I'm becoming less and less desirable.

And I'm not even talking about dating cishet people. It's quite the opposite, actually: the genre of people who I attract most are cishet men, because I'm perceived as ~womanly~ enough for them to find me intriguing, but to them, I'm still not quite a threat to their heterosexual identity - to them, I'm merely an exotic trophy in the collection of people they fucked, if you will.

The queers (esp. other trans people), on the other hand, totally recognize my transness and generally perceive me as a trans person. Which is technically a good thing as it feels really validating to me, and knowing that I'm perceived as trans in some contexts is at least a small source of gender euphoria for me.

However, I still fail to do gender right, even in queer contexts. Specifically in the context of (queer) dating. I feel like my gender hinders me from being anyone's 'preference' - for people who prefer butches, I'm not masculine enough. For people who prefer femmes (which I genereally identify as), I don't perform femininity coherent enough. My gender performance is deeply flawed, from whichever angle you look at it.

And in dating, this leads to me feeling like I either fall through the grid completely or I'm just some trophy. And that shit hurts. The gender binary and the social compulsion to reproduce gender as a coherent, fixed entity hurt me so much. I simply can't do it. I can't be perfect anymore. And thus, I can't be desired.

#sorry bout the rant #i know there's a lot of self hatred in this #dw i'll be going back to therapy #transgender #trans #trans issues #queer dating #desirability #gender fuck #gender fuckery #gender binary #gender trouble #rant

[dkettchen]

🌹💖 NEW VIDEO 💖🌹

#matriarchy #desirability #Imma be a youtuber #gender theory #pretty privilege

[vizthedatum]

Desirability politics and autism and trauma and colorism and institutions of power and people of the global minority in positions of power and fucking ableism and “gender” and the lack of understanding of bio- and social diversity and …

I want to stop being prone to trauma and I am a capital P people pleaser, sigh 😔

I want to help

I want to be better

I want to heal

I will never stop being intersectionally disadvantaged while still benefiting from certain privileges

It’s all maddening to think about

What do we do? Scream in the street? Where the ableist society can judge us more and tell us we shouldn’t have children?

#autism #trauma #desirability #being taken advantage of #racism #gender is colonialized #neurodivergence #love #healing #harm #abuse #queer #life #systemic ableism #biodiversity #social diversity #intersectional activism #I am privileged in many ways #but when I start not passing and unmasking I will lose those privileges #trans

[thinmintfingerprints]

Desirability can really put one in a tizzy

But honestly it gets alot easier to let go of when you realize that you literally have no final say on whether someone finds you desirable

There are people walking around that are attractive to me,they do not know this they just are,nor would I approach these people saying "I find you attractive, I wish to continue to find you so, therefore don't change an entire thing"

That person I'm attracted to could dye their hair a different color,or start wearing a different style of clothing, and how attractive I find them could change or could not and they have absolutely no control over that

So its really frustrating to see women be so distressed and trying to conform to whatever blah standard hoping that this will somehow attract the person ie the man they find themselves attracted to (& sometimes not even a particular man,women abuse themselves alot and will objectify themselves for a gutter rats attention, it's sad)

My feelings are my own, that person has no responsibility to live up to that,so in turn why would I try to live up to some imaginary standard?

Adoration can feel like love when you don't know better but it truly is empty without the substance of being known, being desired does not mean you are respected,it doesn't mean you're loved,it doesn't mean anything thats actually important or sustainable

And it's important for me to remember that being desired by men in our current society will translate into some level of objectification

Seek comfort, cleanliness and general fitness, those things dont fail and it's easier to upkeep

#og #mental check #desirability #female socialization #this mindset really helps to stop comparing yourself and objectifying other women as well

[the-field-mouse]

Sober thoughts🫂

The other day during a phonecall, my friend brings up a point about desirability. We're both afabs in our mid 20s, me a nonbinary, her a genderfluid woman. She talks about this study of desirability and dating apps, how as women age they tend to stay in their age range with potential suitors with some venturing a bit younger. As men age they search for younger almost inevitably. In bringing up this topic I could tell she was troubled by this (I guess I am too?).

It seems like for afabs you spend a lifetime in your youth warding off unwanted attention. Some conceptualize power

by leaning into the lust and others find power in shielding. As a swer I've done both, as a bigender I've tried both. A lifetime of figuring it all out. Then you're old(er). You've got the rhythm of life and you feel beautiful in it, but the men come around less frequently. I wonder if that's true, and if so does it really scare me? Should it? As a queer nonbinary person I'm limitless in finding and receiving love and desire. But in gender and queerness there's still a root of socialization to unpack. We still don't fully understand gender if at all. How will I know if I've broken free?

#sober thoughts #queer black people #desirability #gender politics #nonbinary #black creatives #respect sex workers #black qpoc #storytelling #blackout #agingwell

[moonfirebrides]

#black women #desirability #black beauty #natural hair #beauty #white women #white fragility #black woman #beauty standards #misogynoir #white supremacy #attraction #mixed race woman #curls

[cosmicanger]

“A: one day we’re gonna have a conversation about the difference in respect that some of you men give particular women lol and it’s no way you don’t see what you be doing either. this is exactly it. i will literally see it happen in front of my eyes, two girls could say or do the exact same thing and will get a very different reactions and treatment based on which one the guys finds attractive or wants to get with / B: I was talking to someone about this. Some men say they respect women but they mean that they respect women they find attractive. Like some women have stories of men treating them differently than their “more attractive friends”.

#theory #desirability politics #desirability #pretty people #pretty privilege #long reads

[messengerhermes]

My Body is A Projection Screen

There's a difference between being noticed and being seen. This is a messy thing. I'm thin and white, and many people interpret me as a woman. Those characteristics cause many people to decide I'm attractive without ever looking at the details and actually seeing me. Because, if they were actually seeing me, they would realize I'm not a woman at all. This is not unique to me. We live in a hologram world, and one of the factors in whether people notice you or ignore you is what projections they can map onto your body and whether it turns them on. Beauty privilege means I move through the world easier in ways I won't ever fully comprehend. I'm at the top of the power pyramid in the white supremacist country I live in, and so I get to be pretty by default and everyone is nice to pretty people. Queerphobia and transphobia mean my body does not belong to me, and my actual expression of gender will come second to people's interpretation of my gender. It means when I try to assert my gender, I am met with anger and confusion, for attempting to "ruin" my "perfect" body. For defacing myself in the name of truth. It means when I use my mobility devices, I'm met with pity and disappointment. How horrible, a ruined masterpiece. I have so rarely felt seen in my body for who I am. This is lonely. It is lonely to have someone run their hands over your body and name it as something you're not, because that's sexier to them than what you are. They make love to a projection, your body is the screen catching the light from their eyes. And you are alone in the dark, praying they will see you.

#Desirability #look look #I'm sad today #I profoundly miss feeling seen by the hand that touches me #I miss feeling beautiful in a way that doesn't make me feel like a product on a shelf #Am I your lover or am I here to bring you status? #It's me the grand trophy under white supremacist capitalism #fuck me and you've won the game #hermes rants

[annabelle--cane]

the desire to pronounce words as they are said in their source language for the sake of accuracy vs the desire to not sound like a complete tool

#also the desire to not repeat the completely accidental and undesired racefaking incident of 2023 #marina marvels at life