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#despair

The darkness crowds and pushes and pulls, it demands residence in my soul. With an angry fist it takes its home and threatens to consume it all, threatens to consume me all. With reddened eyes and gritted teeth, I raise my head from on my knees, and there amongst the blackened swill I search for just one star. Please give me just. one. star.

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Take me in your arms (Miss Heroin)

By: unknown


So now, little man, you’ve grown tired of grass

LSD, goofballs, cocaine and hash,

And someone,pretending to be a true friend,

said, “I’ll introduce you to Miss Heroin”.


Well honey, before you start fooling with me,

Just let me inform you of how it will be.


For I will seduce you and make you my slave,

I’ve sent men much stronger than you to their graves,

You think you could never become a disgrace,

And end up addicted to poppy seed waste.


So you’ll start inhaling me one afternoon,

you’ll take me to your arms very soon.

And once I’ve entered deep down in your veins,

The craving will nearly drive you insane.


You’ll swidle your mother, just for a buck

You’ll turn into something vile and corrupt,

You’ll mug and you’ll steal for my narcotic charm

And feel contentment when I’m in your arms.


The day you’ll realize the monster you’ve grown,

You’ll solemly swear to live me alone.

If you think you’ve got that mystical knack,

Then sweetie, just try getting me off your back.


The vomit, the cramps, your gut tied in knots,

The jangling nerves screaming for one more shot,

The hot chills and cold sweats and withdrawl pains,

That can only be saved by my white little grains.


There is no other way, and there is no need to look,

For deep down inside, you know you are hooked.

You’ll despretly run to the pushers and then,

You’ll welcome me back to your arms once again.


And you will return, just as I foretold!

I know that you’ll give me your body and soul.

You’ll give up your morals, your conscience, your heart,

And you will be mine ‘till death do us part.

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I was told I was misusing our new purchase…

(‘Rachel Riley’ is Dad being straight, 'blonde Swedish guy’ is Mum being straight, rest is me being stupid)

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Ever since that horrible October 14th, I’ve been trying to get over you. But today, I proved myself that I can’t do it.

I’ve been trying to be like others… you know, to just stop caring, to implant firmly on my mind the fact that “there are other fish in the sea”. I do get attracted to other girls. I do have sexual fantasies with other girls. That’s always been the case. But what I’m lacking, is that profound devotion I had towards you… I simply can’t get into another relationship, I don’t feel comfortable with it, even if I’m really dying for some affection. You’re unique… the only person for whom I ever felt something like this. I know I’ll never feel the same, and… that’s awful because that means I’ll never achieve my dream… to have a family…

You said it wasn’t love… Then, why can’t I get over it? I want to, I really do… I don’t want you appearing on my mind each and every day… But I can’t stop it! This hurts a lot… Everything reminds me of you. I can’t enjoy the movies, the games, the music… Damn! It’s awful that you really love the same shit as me…

My heart is an empty shell. No one can fill it… because it’s always been only fit for you.

Mel… I’m gonna love you forever. I’ll keep trying… For you… Because I know, you wouldn’t like to see me like this… but just know that, I’ll never get over you, no… That’s something I can firmly classify as impossible.

I miss you, my honeybee…

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My feet are not touching the ground.

I’m now just a lonely ghost.

It hurts, I can’t leave.

Bounded by chains of memories.

I’m tired, I screamed.

Nobody can hear a thing.

Happy people should be happy.

Because I will never be.

Fern

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I think I am numb, alternating between quiet tears and nothing. Thinking through a dozen possibilities only to settle back on it’s not fair a hundred times over. I am losing my biggest adventure. My certainties. My possibilities. The success I bruised myself for.

They say there’s nothing to be angry at and it’s not only you

I say, it’s not the worst thing that has ever happened to us 

I think, it doesn’t really hurt yet and maybe it won’t

I am lost to myself, making concessions with the version of me that’s already gone to apathy, pulled under the tide, eyes shut tight, waves crashing overhead.

My therapist would say coping mechanism 

like survival in any form isn’t worth celebration. 

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I want to love radically like Jesus, forgive radically and just be love but I’m sick of getting hurt. It’s so much emotional work to have relationships of any kind? I just don’t have the energy and want/need to shut down. I don’t know how to keep opening my heart and getting hurt over and over again.

How do people do that?

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