desperate times: was
summary: desperate times call for desperate measures.
pairing: Sirius x Reader
word count: 1.5k
warnings: angst, pining, unrequited love, james is best buddy number one, swearing, heartache (and i think that’s it?)
a/n: wasn’t planning on writing this, let me know what you think! (also this is not proof read because it’s like three am)
The phone rings for a long time before anyone picks up.
There’s a brief pause as he recognises your voice.
“What the- what time is it?”
Craning your neck, you catch a glimpse of the massive clock hanging on the outside wall of the train station.
“About quarter to six,” you say sheepishly.
“Nevermind that,” he says, sounding more alert, “Why are you calling me? Where are you?”
“Yeah, uh, about that… there’s been a change of plan.”
“Y/N, it’s not even six a.m. If you don’t start making sense-”
“I’ve left,” you blurt, before realising that doesn’t provide much context. “As in, I wrote an owl to Dumbledore after we spoke earlier this morning-”
“I prefer to think of it as last night, but-”
“And he replied a couple of hours later,” you continue, ignoring his jab. “Told me I could come up as early as this morning if I wanted to, so I left.”
There’s a tense pause on the line. You kick some gravel with the toe of your boot.
“Yes,” you say, more confidently than you feel. “Shipped my trunk up. There wasn’t much stuff; it didn’t take long.”
“... you left?”
“And I took care of some cleaning charms as well, so the room’s all clean,” you say. “You can even start subletting the room if you want, I’m not gonna be back in town for a-”
“We’re not subletting the damn room, Y/N!” he exclaims. “We don’t want the rent, we want you!”
You sigh deeply, and the line goes silent again. You can here Lily murmuring something in the background, but you can’t make it out.
“For fuck- what am I supposed to say to Sirius?! What am I supposed to tell him?! I can’t be the one to tell him why you’ve gone!”
“Then don’t,” you state, firmly. “Don’t say anything. Pretend you don’t know. Make me the big, bad bitch who dipped without saying goodbye.”
“Y/N, that’s not-”
“Oh, no, I didn’t mean that to sound sarcastic, I was being serious,” you interject. “I mean it. Pin it on me. All of it. Let him be angry with me. Let all of them be angry with me.”
Another heavy silence shrouds the line. This one holds more tension than the others.
“I don’t… I don’t understand you, Y/N,” he says suddenly, his voice quiet. “I’m sorry, I’m- really, I’m trying, but I just can’t…”
“I know you can’t, James,” you respond, tone as soothing as you can muster. You know he’s hurting. You can feel it through the phone. And it makes you feel awful; it truly does. But so many things make you feel awful these days, its hard to distinguish between them. “But I appreciate you trying.”
“I am trying, I swear, I-”
“I know, James. I know.”
There’s a deep sigh on the other end of the line.
“Can you at least explain why?” he pleads, “So I can try to understand?”
James has always been the sensitive one. You tease him for it, but it’s one of his best qualities.
There’s almost no one around you. Certainly not at this hour, in this place. And you’ve got time. You’re killing time between two train rides, so you might as well.
You hear him let out a poorly-concealed sigh of relief.
“But I want to begin by apologising for calling so early,” you say. “I don’t really sleep much anymore, and I was all geared up from the stress, and our conversation, and Dumbledore’s response, and the travelling, and… I just lost track of what time it was. I’m sorry. I know you don’t sleep as well these days.”
“Alright,” you echo, before steeling yourself. “Alright. See, James, you always had Lily.”
You pause for a second, to think about how best to frame this. To your relief, he doesn’t interject.
“Even when you didn’t have her, you had her. You know, you’d talk to her, flirt with her, think about her, all that stuff. And that’s… you know, and then you got together, and then you got married, and now she’s pregnant, and…”
You realise you don’t want to say it, because that verbalises it, and verbalising it makes it real.
You take a deep breath.
“And I’m never gonna have that with Sirius.”
The thought wrenches your insides painfully, and offers no mercy.
The more you say it, the more numbing it seems.
“Because he’s engaged to someone else, and that’s great! It’s great for him. But imagine… Imagine if you had to see Lily everyday, live in the same house as her, be friends with her, all the while knowing she was engaged to be married to someone else.”
There’s another pause, and to your surprise, he doesn’t speak. The more you talk about it, the less of a shock it is to your system. So you keep going.
“And it’s even worse than that, because Sirius was my best friend.”
You catch yourself just in time to finish the sentence.
It was so easy for you to say it. That’s how you know the two of you have been distanced for so long.
“I think you might be my best friend now,” you murmur into the phone.
It feels childish, to be saying things this way, but it’s how you feel. And of all people, James is probably the least likely to judge you.
“The point is, I’ve lost my friend as well. Apparently, she doesn’t like him being in such frequent proximity to me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true, Y/N, I-”
“No, James, it is,” you laugh, sadly. “I literally heard her tell him.”
“No, surely not; he would have said something.”
“Well, no,” you say, “she didn’t phrase it exactly like that. It was more, ‘what kind of message does it send if you’re spending more time with another girl than with me?’ And then he kinda had to choose between making her happy, and hanging out with me all the time. And I guess we hung out so frequently that it didn’t really matter. And it wasn’t personal... necessarily...”
You can practically see the expression on his face when he speaks:
“You’re making excuses for him.”
“Y/N,” he interjects firmly, “You’re making excuses for him. This isn’t like you.”
“Of course I’m making excuses for him, James! Because I-”
Your body cuts you off with a gutteral halt before you can get any further. It won’t let you say it out loud.
But James knows. You don’t know how he knows. But he knows.
Did you tell him? Could he see it? If he has, then surely others have as well. Does Sirius know?
Surely Sirius doesn’t know. Surely not. In this department, he’s the densest member of the group.
He’s head over heels for her. That’s the worst part. He absolutely adores her. In your slightly biased assessment, you can’t really figure out why.
After everything you’ve been through with him, the nights holed up in fear of attacks, it just…
It stings that it didn’t mean as much to him as it does to you. That you don’t mean as much to him as he does to you.
And maybe it’s selfish, but you can’t handle that.
WIth a jolt, you remember you’re still on the phone.
“Look,” you say, surprised at the volume of your own voice. “When they ask, because they will ask, could you just tell them that I’ve gone on a mission for the Order? That might be enough to excuse some of the other stuff, too, not just the move.”
It’s quiet, before he takes a deep breath.
“Yeah. Of course I will.”
“Great,” you say.
The conversation feels awfully empty. You love James. You don’t want your conversations to be empty. They’re beginning to reflect how you feel. Maybe you’re starting to project the way you feel onto others.
The thought makes you physically nauseous.
“I’m sorry,” you add, quietly.
“I know,” he responds, simply.
There’s another silence.
“Please, just… Just keep me updated, okay?” he asks. The desperation in his voice does not go unnoticed. The fact that he cares so much more than you about your own wellbeing and future is a bad sign, but what are you gonna do about it?
“Yeah, of course.”
“I won’t even tell the others if you don’t want me to, I’ll just-”
“Of course, James.”
A particularly loud train whistle snaps you back into reality, and you check the giant clock again.
“Listen, I’ve got to go. Give my best to Lily,” you say. “And again, I’m sorry for waking you this early.”
“Don’t ever be afraid to wake me up early, Y/N,” he says.
There’s a short pause, but both of you know what’s being said in the silence.
“I’ll call you later.”
And with that, you hang up the phone and make your way to the platform.
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“Look at me, baby”
You opened your eyes to see Zack who was gazing down at you so, so lovingly. You would never have guessed he had three of his fingers knuckle deep inside you making lewd wet noises fill the room.
“I’m trying, Zack, I’m- ah! I’m trying!”
Zack was pumping his fingers in and out of you expertly. It’s crazy how well he knew your body. He knew just what angle, what depth, what speed and what spots to hit to drive you absolutely crazy.
You quickly learned that Zack loved eye contact when he was finger fucking you. He loved to watch your pretty facial expressions and see you fall apart for him, knowing he’s the one who can make you feel so good. Of course, he knew you couldn’t help but let your eyes roll into the back of your head but that was part of the turn on. That sadistic side of him loved to see you trying so hard to please him by keeping your eyes on his. Your cute little desperate face. The way you frowned and bit your lip in concentration. So cute.
You were close to your 4th orgasm from his fingers alone.
You were chanting his name over and over again. Pulling at his hoodie harder and harder the closer you got to the edge. You couldn’t even try and keep your eyes open anymore. You put your lips to Zack’s instead. At least with a kiss you could get away with your eyes closed. But you couldn’t even manage kissing at this point so you were kind of just panting against his smug grin.
Zacks thumb rubbed small circles on your clit and that was it. You were gushing all over his fingers and hand, again. Zack put his mouth over yours and swallowed your loud moans.
You moved your hands to the back of his head and tangled your hands in his hair as you rode out the waves of pleasure.
“Got another one for me, baby?”
You shook your head. Giving Zack “are you crazy?!” eyes while still trying to catch your breath. You really didn’t think your body could handle a 5th earth shattering orgasm. But then he started grinning at you with that irresistible grin and unbuckling his belt and you found yourself nodding and feverishly kissing him again, helping him release his perfect dick.
Zack knew he wasn’t going to last very long. He’d been watching you cum over and over again for him. He was so fucking turned on just your fingers wrapping around his cock got him ready to nut. But he needed to feel you wrapped around him.
“Turn around, princess”
You raised an eyebrow at him. Oh? This was rare. He almost always had you in positions where he could see your face.
You turned on to your stomach and looked back at him seductively. You yelped when he pulled your hips up leaving your ass in the air and face flat against the bed.
Zack was stroking your ass before giving it a hard smack. You cried out.
“You’re so fuckin’ perfect you know that?”
“Mmm Zack” you couldn’t form a full sentence but you wanted him to know you appreciated his words.
He was back to stroking your ass. “I don’t deserve you,” he said quietly.
You looked back at him again then. He caught your eyes. Was that a hint of guilt in his eyes? You pushed yourself upright so your back was flushed to his front. You raised your hand and stroked his face while turning your head to the side and looking into those heterochromia eyes you loved oh so much.
“Probably not,” you said with a playful smile. Zack scowled at you. “But I deserve what I want, don’t I?” You asked him as you stroked his cheek.
He smiled at you and nodded.
You kissed him softly. “And I want you, Zack...”
Zack looked so cute in that moment, happiness lighting up his whole face. He kissed you lovingly.
“...inside me,” you whispered against his lips. Zack froze mid kiss. You carried on “... filling me up with your cum.” He pulled back and looked into your lust filled eyes. “Fill me up please, Zack” you purred.
Zack smirked at you. “As you wish, princess...”
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