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didsomeonesaybuffet · 1 month

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Good morning I posted a Destiel one-shot to AO3 and I’d love for you to take a look maybe?

Mostly to test the waters and get used to the platform a little bit before I get to posting a longer piece soonish.

Anyway: An Angel’s Guide to Dating

Words: 2,744

Angsty middle, fluffy ending. Cas has a date and Dean is absolutely fine with that (he’s also a liar).

Snippet under the cut.

‘I have a date tonight.’ He says it so bluntly that Dean thinks he must have imagined it. No way Cas just said what he thought he said.

‘What?’ He puts down the pan he’s washing gently, afraid he might throw it if not. It’s 9am and it’s too early for that shit.

‘A date. I have one. With a guy. Tonight.’ Cas looks him in the eye this time and walks him through it. Dean’s glad he put the pan down.

‘Good for you, man!’ Pipes up Sam, glancing over some old leather bound tome or other.

‘Can it.’ Dean raises an open hand to Sam but he’s looking at Cas. In response, Cas tilts his head in that familiar (and very cute) way that he does. Dean almost softens, but then he remembers what Cas just said. He leans back against the sink, trying to look nonchalant. ‘So uh, who is he? This guy ? Is it someone we know? Is he safe? Is he going to take care of you?’

‘I’m an angel, Dean. I can take care of myself.’

‘You think I don’t know that? Doesn’t matter. How’d you meet?’ Dean sounds ridiculous, he knows he does, but he can’t stop. What if Castiel gets hurt? Or worse, what if he falls for the guy and Dean loses his whole heart best friend?

Read the rest on Ao3 (please)

#Cas has a date and Dean is so so chill about it #the ending is happy I promise #destiel #castiel #dean winchester #supernatural ficlet #Destiel one shot

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annmariethrush · 7 months

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Day 5: Portrait

Cas gets his phone stuck in portrait mode and asks Dean for help, leading Dean to see the photo he was trying to look at.

on AO3 or below the cut

“My phone won’t turn sideways.”

Dean raised his eyes from the book he had been staring at for almost an hour now.

“What?” Dean raised his eyebrows at the grumpy angel standing over him.

“Dean, my phone won’t turn sideways.” Cas repeated, glaring at Dean, clearly already frustrated since he had resorted to asking for help.

Dean, partly due to a lack of understanding still, partly in hopes of being a little shit, slowly took the phone from Cas’s hand, turning it to the side so that it now lay horizontal in Cas’s palm.

Cas squinted harder, glaring at Dean like he was considering lethal force. “No, Dean. The screen. The picture on the screen won’t spin so it can be bigger and fill up the screen.”

Dean began to laugh heartily, “Cas, is your phone stuck in portrait mode? Let me see it.”

Shoulders still shaking with laughter, he took the phone from Cas’s hand once more. Turning it on and typing in Cas’s passcode, Dean quickly opened up settings to search for orientation lock. Less than thirty seconds later, Dean had resolved the problem and was about to hand the phone back to Cas when he thought to ask, “Wait, what were you trying to look at?”

Cas reached for his phone without answering, only for it to be snatched away as Dean pulled his hand back. “Nuh uh mister, if you have a tech problem, you gotta show it to the tech solution.”

Dean wiggled his eyebrows and bit his lip in an obnoxious attempt at sexiness. Cas flushed, though clearly not in response to Dean’s stupid antics. “I was trying to look at a picture… it’s quite old, so it’s too grainy when I zoom in so I wanted to see it just a little bigger.”

Dean’s face slipped into curious confusion before he returned his eyes to the phone. Opening up the running apps, he swiped back to photos and found a picture he had not seen in a very long time. It was from the night he took Cas to the strip bar when he thought that his conversation with Raphael might mean certain depth. Dean had taken a quick photo of Cas from across the table while they were waiting for their drinks, partially out of fear that it would be the last time he saw him, and partially because the look on his face had just been so priceless. Dean couldn’t remember sending it to Cas, but angels had their ways.

When Dean thought to look back up at Cas again, wrenching himself from his memories, he found Cas looking sheepish with a blush still lingering on his cheeks. “Didn’t I take this photo?” Was all Dean could get out, though he didn’t think it was what he really wanted to ask.

“Yes,” Cas answered slowly, “it was my last night on earth.”

Dean waited for Cas to continue, but when he didn’t, “Why do you like it so much?” Dean didn’t want it to come out harshly, but he thought it did anyway so he kept going. “I mean, I like it cause I had a great time that night, but I don’t remember you particularly enjoying yourself…”

Cas smiled fondly, seemingly able to see the humor of the situation, even if only in hindsight. “I…” He paused, face contorted as he tried to phrase his thoughts appropriately. “I like seeing myself the way you see me. At the time, I had not yet developed a strong connection to this physical form. I have become more fond of it since then, and being human helped ground me in this shape, but still when I think of myself, it is something more akin to my true form. But I like the reminder that, even then, this is what I looked like to you and this is what you think of when you think of me.”

Cas finished his explanation with a resigned smile, having just laid bare his heart, and waited patiently for Dean’s thoughts to catch up.

After a moment, Dean began, “That’s… That’s not what I think of when I think of you.”

Cas’s face dropped and he quickly started to apologize, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to assume that you—“

“No no no, that’s not— you’re more than that.” Dean stopped for a moment and licked his lips hesitantly before resolving himself. “When I think about you that’s the face I see, yeah. And the trench coat and suit. But you’re… I can feel your energy, Cas. You’re bigger than that. I can’t see it, but I can feel you in the whole room. Sometimes I can almost swear I bump into your wings when I walk past you. It’s… your true form is there, I can sense it, even if I can’t see it. But mostly when I think about you, it’s not even what you look like at all. Like, yeah, your face is good and your hair and……. Yeah, but you’re just a cool guy to be around. I think a lot more about how funny you are and what a pain in my ass you are and how kind you are and how much I care about you….” Dean trailed off, blushing as he realized how much further he had gone than he meant to.

Cas smiled broadly, “I see… thank you, Dean.”

Dean chuckled awkwardly, “Yeah bud, don’t worry about it. I wish I could take a picture that had all of you in it to show you what I see.”

“It’s okay Dean, I often wish that I could show you exactly what I see when I look at you. Your soul is beautiful, even if you can’t see it.”

With that, Cas turned to leave, tucking his phone back into the pocket of his trench coat, guiding himself out of the room as Dean gripped the back of the chair next to him and tried not to let his eyes get misty. He wondered how he could be so lucky as to have someone who found him beautiful.

#destiel #castiel #suptober23 #day 5 #ambiguous destiel relationship #established relationship #early Cas reference #destiel fic #destiel one shot #destiel ficlet #dean winchester #supernatural #spn #casdean #deancas

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spnfanficpond · 2 months

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Rating:

General Audiences

Archive Warning:

No Archive Warnings Apply

Category:

Gen

Fandom:

Supernatural (TV 2005)

Relationships:

Castiel/Dean Winchester

Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester

Characters:

Castiel (Supernatural)

Dean Winchester

Sam Winchester

Eileen Leahy

Additional Tags:

Case Fic

Prompt Fic

Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural)

Castiel Loves Dean Winchester

Dean Winchester Loves Castiel

Dean Winchester can only say lies

Cursed Dean Winchester

Wing Grooming

Breaking the Fourth Wall

Angel Wings

Dean Winchester Uses ASL

Castiel and Dean Winchester Being Idiots

Tumblr Prompt

Alternate Universe - Wings

Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence

Castiel wraps Dean in his Wings

Sleepy Dean Winchester

Sleepy Cuddles

Scent Marking

Scent Kink

Alternate Angel Lore (Supernatural)

No beta we die like wayward sisters

dean Winchester sleeps in bed with Castiel

Castiel falls asleep

Angel Castiel (Supernatural)

Language: English

Published: 2024-02-19

Words: 937

#destiel #saileen #dean x cas #cas x dean #sam x eileen #eileen x sam #dean x castiel #castiel x dean #one shot #destiel one shot #saileen one shot

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deanspunchingbag · 5 months

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the way dean would have been such a good dad. he would have been so terrified he was doing to all wrong, and constantly trying to make sure he didn't turn into his dad. of course he would have his moments, make mistakes and get angry, but all parents do. but you know what he wouldn't do? forget a single birthday or holiday. he wouldn't miss a single ball game, recital, play, or anything between. he would be the type to wear a costume to school drop off if his kids were embarrassed to wear something. he would be so involved in the things they liked. learning about a new video game or movie series that was out. watching youtube videos on how to do hair for ballet. he would give a 30 minute speech before teaching them how to drive in the impala, and wouldn't even get mad if they accidentally slammed on the breaks or ran on the curb (but would frantically check every inch of the car once they got home). he would be the kind of parent he and sammy always wanted.

#supernatural #dean winchester #spn #sam winchester #dad dean #dean should have been a dad #we got a preview with ben #spn headcanon #supernatural one shot #spn thoughts #spnfamily #castiel #destiel

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angelinthefire · 1 year

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Thinking about a 6-part miniseries about Cas. The premise being that there's some way for him to get back the memories that were taken from him, and he's going through the process of re-experiencing them (and this is why we haven't seen him yet, because he's been occupied with this).

So we're following Cas through time, seeing every instance of him going off-script, and every time it gets harder and harder to reset him. And there could be 3 or 4 actors besides Misha who play Cas at various points in history. And there could be returning spn actors for different angels as well as recasts for different "versions" of them. There would be a chance to get into some complex relationships between sibling-soldiers who are under a cult-like authority.

The way I'm imagining it, it would be "kalaidoscopic" to use Edlund's word for describing Cas' perspective. Non-linear narratives layering on top of each other, and making use of motifs and recurring elements in an almost dream-like way, building Cas' story as someone who fought to be his own person. The whole thing being kind of epic and fantastical and philosophical.

And of course it ends with Cas' reunion with Dean. I think in previous episodes there could be short little "missing scenes" situated within the main spn canon, to really re-establish Dean and Cas' relationship for any uninitiated viewers. But by the time it gets to the end, after following Cas' whole story, Dean is framed as the last instance in a long series of Cas' struggles to assert his own sense of right and wrong, his own sense of self. Dean is the time when it finally stuck. So there's a real narrative weight, within the 6 episodes, to them reuniting, it's not just for the sake of finishing what spn started.

And I'm still imagining the reunion scene being something like what I posted about here. Where Dean asks Cas to jailbreak Heaven with him, break the rules with him one more time, run away so they can live their own life. So that Dean is the realization of everything Cas' story has been driving towards.

And then the thing with Jack being taken over by God happens (see linked post). Because a) Cas can't just go off with Dean and leave Jack behind, so there has to be a reason for him to oppose what Jack's been doing in Heaven, and the answer to that is he's God instead of Jack. And b) the series ends on an open page, with Dean and Cas going back into the world as these twin agents of chaos and free will, and you have the sense that they're always going to be out there fighting for free will and fighting to be masters of their own lives, and the story will never end.

#spn #supernatural #castiel #destiel #deancas #not actually fanfic #@ chaos machine hire me please #I'm imagining what the show trailer could be like #With like 4 or 5 different voices layered on top of each other and blending into one another #saying 'my name is castiel. i'm an angel of the lord'#and some nice set pieces from different periods of time #and a shot where the camera is circling around cas and his various vessels are morphing into each other #and this is a fantasy scenario so of course there would be the budget for some true form special effects as well #oh for the opportunity to pitch to jackles

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sapphireisverygaymydudes · 1 month

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He could count every second they had spent together, every time when Dean winced behind his back at some old pain, every time some random person on the street said that “Deans son was so kind”, every time Dean apologized for getting so old. And every time Cas would wind his arms around his neck and kiss him, kiss his graying hair, the wrinkles around his eyes from smiling, and would always save the lips for last.

Or Dean is old and Cas can tell that Dean won’t be here much longer

This is a little fic I made. It’s Supernatural related so other moots feel free to ignore.

Anyways hope you enjoy

@andrew-baby I did it

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shineforthee · 14 days

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“D’ya ever think about just running away?” Dean hears himself ask. And this is why he doesn’t smoke weed. It’s also why he doesn’t hang out with Cas past midnight. Like Cinderella, he becomes a little too much himself this time of night.

Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe Cas will realize he’s wasting his time with someone who hasn’t even declared a major yet, and whose house is always empty because his dad lives at a bar top and his brother wants to live anywhere else, and who can’t even show up to the party with clean fucking boots.

“Alright. You’re cut off.” Cas plucks the joint back, holds it to his lips, breathes in deep. He doesn’t cough when he exhales sweet smoke. And like magic, Dean is back to thinking this might be one of the best nights of his life.

“Why?” Dean insists, leaning forward to make a grab for the joint. He’s far from quick enough, but he’s rewarded when Cas holds one hand far from reach while the other wraps around his wrist.

Even when Dean relaxes his hand, Cas doesn’t let go. It leaves Dean leaning forward awkwardly, not quite close enough to be properly in Cas’ space, but close enough that he doesn’t have it in him to pull away.

“Because you get maudlin when you smoke too much.”

Dean gets maudlin when he thinks about one topic for more than five minutes, lately. But yeah, he can admit that the last one probably hit the threshold. “For real though. You ever think about leaving this fucking town?”

Cas is pensive for a moment, considering Dean’s question while he stubs out the roach into the little plate he’s been using as an ashtray. His fingers are big and warm around Dean’s wrist, and it’s hard to focus on anything else.

“This is where I ran away to, you know?” Cas shrugs one shoulder. Dean doesn’t know a lot about what brought Cas to Kansas. Just knows he came here for his undergrad and has stayed to finish up his masters. Dean can’t imagine what would make him pick here of all places.

Dean doesn’t suppose Cas knows a whole lot about what’s been keeping Dean here all these years, either.

They don’t talk about that. And they don’t do this.

But tonight, Dean wants to.

Cas’ thumb skims the tender skin where his wrist meets his hand and it feels like an offer. Or an invitation. Or a request.

scared of the crack where the light comes in

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel au #one shot #fic to celebrate 800k #and 1 year of fic writing

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wormstacheangel · 1 year

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"I'll be right back with your order."

Castiel smiled politely before looking outside the window. The rain continued to pour and the diner filled up with strangers stopping by for a comforting meal.

He watched as puddles started to form on the broken concrete street and listened to people running into the restaurant commenting on the weather. Shaking the excess rain off them as the waitress tells them to take any open table.

He found this mundane human experience so wonderful. Maybe it's just another day for them but Castiel will remember each word. He will remember the burnt coffee smell that mixed in with the rowdy laughter. He will remember the Beach Boys playing in the background and a father begging their teenagers to put the phone down to eat.

He would especially remember this day because he makes it a habit to remember every day he spends with Dean.

"Did you order yet?" Dean sunk into the seat across from him and smiled. It shined so bright that Castiel can feel his heart race at the sight. He was only away for less than five minutes but Cas missed him so much.

"Yes. I got you your favorite heart attack special with a waffle instead of pancakes."

"Oh! Good call, dude. I've been craving waffles since-"

"You saw the billboard. I know. You won't stop talking about it." Cas teased and it made Dean chuckle.

The waitress came over and filled their mugs with coffee and dropped the flavored creamer in front of them. "Extra caramel for the gentlemen. Your food will be out in a sec."

"Thanks." "Thank you."

The waitress leaves them again and Dean lets his legs tangled up with Cas'. "What did you get yourself?"

"Pancakes."

"Chocolate or blueberry?" Dean started to open creamers and mix them into Cas' coffee. Stirring in sugar right after because he knows he likes it sweet.

"Blueberry." Cas watches Dean's hands as they stir and then lifts the spoon to his mouth before he mixes his own coffee.

"Course. Remember to turn down the mojo before you eat this time."

Cas nodded once, humming an agreement, as he reached to take a sip of his coffee. The sweet sugar coated his tongue and he smiled. "Perfect once again."

"Yeah? Taste like a bowl of sugar?"

"And caramel."

"That's just burnt sugar, sweetheart." Dean took a sip of his coffee—he only adds two creamers—and let out a loud sigh."Now that's some good coffee."

"I'm sure."

Castiel felt his shoulders relax as he enjoyed the view in front of him. Watched as the waitress sets their breakfast down and Dean raised his finger to "pretty please" himself some hot sauce. He let Dean cut his pancakes before he pushed the plate back towards Cas. Loving how wide Dean's eyes got when Dean was surprised by the extra slices of bacon Castiel ordered.

But he especially loved when Dean asked, "Can my husband get a glass of OJ? Thank you."

He will never get used to that.

"I don't want orange juice." Castiel tells his husband as he takes another bite of bacon.

"It's for me but I already got coffee and chocolate milk so I don't want to push it. And stop eating all the bacon."

When breakfast is over they pay and Dean hides under Cas's coat as they run through the rain. Dean’s arms wrap around Cas’s waist and he ducks his head into Cas’s chest. Every second felt like a wonderful eternity.

"Cas! You got the keys, man!"

"Oh." Castiel took the keys from his trench coat pocket and opens the passenger side for his husband.

"Such a gentleman." Dean teases but before Castiel can roll his eyes and walk away, Dean pulls him in for a kiss. Soft and lingering as the rainwater pours over them. "Been wanting to do that all morning."

Dean winks at him before sliding into the car and closing the door behind him. It takes less than a second for Cas to restart himself and jog over to the driver's side.

"You okay, Cas?"

The rain was now a sprinkle and rainbows appeared over greased stained puddles. The world never looked so beautiful.

"Never better."

He took his husband's hand and drove them off to their next adventure.

#wormstachewrites #destiel #cute #fic #ficlet #one shot #deancas #happy au #lol

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spnfanficpond · 2 months

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Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Additional Tags: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha Castiel/Omega Dean Winchester, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Alternate Universe - Urban Fantasy, Wolf Pack, Alpha/Omega, Chases, Castiel Has Black Wings (Supernatural), Dog Shifter Dean Winchester, Bird Shifter Castiel, Dean Winchester is a Malamute Shifter, Castiel is a Raven Shifter, Dean Winchester Wears Panties, Castiel Has a Panty Kink (Supernatural), Dean Winchester Has a Panty Kink, Anal Sex, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Mating Bites, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Mating Bond, Pack Alpha Castiel, Castiel is a Novak (Supernatural), Wing Kink Summary:

“Thank you for the invite, Pack Alpha,” Dean politely spoke.

“Enchanted to meet you, beautiful Omega Winchester.” Castiel paused, staring into Dean’s moss green eyes….

They fell silent looking into each other’s eyes. Luckily, Dean was the last person for Castiel to meet.

“You are beautiful, Dean.”

Dean could feel his face heat up and spread down to his neck. Demurely he replied, “Thank you.”

“Of course.” Cas placed a gentle kiss on Dean’s knuckles as he stared again.

#destiel #one shot #au fic #destiel au #destiel one shot #dean x cas #cas x dean #fluff fic #destiel fluff #smut fic #destiel smut

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the-rad-pineapple · 2 years

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dean needs cas so badly it's not even funny

ao3

words: 3.7k

They got Cas back.

Jack and Amara had been working on fixing things. Jack said he wants to give up his God powers after they finish fixing the universe. He doesn’t think anyone should have that much power. Dean agrees. Amara is still…whatever she is, but she doesn’t want to get involved. Dean thinks she never has.

On Jack’s last day with his God powers, he and Amara bring Cas back.

And everything should be perfect. Except it isn’t. Dean is still a complete mess, and he was so drunk when Cas came back that he thought he made it up. But Cas is still there the next day. Glued to Jack’s side. How it should be.

And since Dean’s a mature adult with numerous apocalypses under his belt, he handles the situation by entirely avoiding Cas. And it works for a bit. Jack catches Cas up on everything. Hell, there’s a good three weeks where Sam doesn’t leave Cas’ side either. Sometimes Dean forgets how close his brother and Cas are. Dean should’ve been there for Sam. God. He should’ve been there for Jack. But he hadn’t been. He’d been keeping company with whiskey and Netflix. Still is most days. He’s sort of fallen into this hole and doesn't know how to get out. Well, he does. He can ask Sam for help. Sam wants to help him. He only stopped when every interaction he had with Dean turned into a drunken fight. Somehow Dean is just like his father. But Dean doesn’t want to ask for help now. Not when Sam seems to be doing better. Eileen is always over, and she brightens Sam in ways Dean never has. And Cas and Jack have each other. Dean can’t ruin them more than he already has for asking them to clean up his mess. He also overheard them talking about finding a house one night. He drank so hard he threw up for the first time in weeks after hearing that.

Dean hasn’t had a whole lot to drink today. Just a few beers in the morning. He’s decided to deep-clean the bunker since his thoughts are getting louder now that Cas is back. He can’t stand the notion of once having Cas feel the way he’s always wanted without knowing it to going how it is now; they hardly even see each other, and Dean knows Cas doesn’t feel that way anymore. How could he?

Dean’s taken out the racks from the oven and is furiously scrubbing them in the sink. He’s focusing so hard on the task he doesn’t hear Cas until he says,

“Dean?”

Dean doesn’t stop scrubbing even though his heart has jumped into his throat. “Yeah?” His voice is rough from disuse.

“What are you doing?”

Dean rolls his eyes and forces himself to be annoyed. If he allows himself to feel anything else, he thinks he might break. “What does it look like?” he spits out. He wants Cas to go away. He just wants to be left alone. He should’ve had more to drink.

“It appears that you’re cleaning the kitchen at 2am.”

2am? That can’t be right. Dean just woke up a couple hours ago. He glances at the oven clock. 2:07am. Shit. It’s always been difficult to tell time in the bunker, and Dean’s sure all the alcohol hasn’t helped. He just didn’t realize it was this bad.

“Dean,” Cas says softly. He sounds so fucking concerned. It makes Dean’s insides squirm. He doesn’t deserve his concern. He doesn’t even come close to deserving it.

“What.” Dean resumes scrubbing. He hears Cas approach. A few footsteps, and then the angel is standing next to him in his periphery. Dean ignores him and scrubs harder, willing him to go away.

“Dean.” Cas puts a hand on Dean’s right arm.

Dean freezes. He stares at Cas’ hand. He’s gripping Dean gently. He feels so warm and firm. Dean’s hardly looked at Cas since he got back. He hasn’t let himself. He just can’t— Heat builds behind Dean’s eyes, and he’s squeezing them closed to stop the sudden tears from falling down his face.

“Oh, Dean.”

Cas tugs on Dean’s arm, and Dean drops the sponge and the oven rack. The rack loudly clatters into the sink. Cas tugs again, and Dean lets himself be moved. Cas pulls him close. There’s a second where he pauses, and the air is filled with tension. Dean still hasn’t looked up at his face yet. Then Cas is hugging him. Strong arms holding Dean close, pressing Dean into his chest; Dean’s enveloped in Cas’ warmth.

A mangled sob makes its way out of Dean’s throat. He feels stripped bare. He closes his eyes and hugs Cas back. He holds onto him as tightly as he can. He buries his face in Cas’ shoulder to hide his tears as if Cas doesn’t know he’s crying.

And Cas just holds him. Lets him cry.

Dean cries so hard he shakes. He soaks the shoulder of that damn trenchcoat with his tears. He’s so fucking embarassed. Cas should’ve just left him alone. He deserves to be alone.

Eventually, his sobs lessen.

“Dean,” Cas says gently. “What’s going on?”

Dean tenses. “W-what do you mean what’s going on?” It’s louder and more hysterical than he means it to sound. His emotions flow easily. Lubricated by the alcohol. They leak out of him. He can’t seem to rein them in no matter how hard he’s trying. “You—” He has to gasp for a breath because he’s still fucking crying. “You were dead, Cas. You were fucking dead.” More tears stream down his cheeks. Dean is glad Cas can’t see his face. “I—” Dean swallows. Weakly, hardly above a whisper, “It all means nothing when you’re gone.”

Dean feels Cas’ breath hitch. Then one of his arms moves. He’s petting the hair on the back of Dean’s head.

Cas murmurs, “This can’t be just for me. What else is going on?”

“No, you don’t—” Dean pulls back to look Cas in the eyes for the first time. He doesn’t know how he looks. Probably disheveled and deranged. Broken. “You don’t get it. This is all because of you. Cas, I— You’re it for me, okay? I—when you’re gone I just can’t. I can’t. You—you’re…” And Dean doesn’t know what he’s saying. He just knows he’s feeling too much. He’s always been terrible at articulating his feelings with words. He can’t even begin to describe his feelings about Cas. They’re too much. They have to be ignored, because Dean can’t handle them. He can’t do this.

Cas is staring at him too intently. He says, “I can’t mean this much to you.”

“You mean everything to me.”

Dean doesn't feel like he’s a part of his body anymore. None of this feels real. Nothing has felt real since Cas’ death. He’s been ignoring and pushing down so much, and now it feels like it’s all erupting out of him. He doesn’t—he can’t—there’s too much. He just…he needs…

“I need you.” Dean doesn’t even know what he’s saying. Or if he even said that out loud.

Cas cups his face. The touch grounds him, and Dean feels like he’s back in the present. His mind isn’t drifting away like before. Dean grabs onto Cas’ arms like a lifeline. He’s breathing heavily.

Cas strokes his thumbs over Dean’s cheeks. He’s looking at Dean like he’s something to marvel at. Which he isn’t. Especially by Cas. Dean’s starting to feel overwhelmed again, but then Cas says, “I’m here, Dean. I’m right here. It’s alright.”

Dean can only nod. His throat is too tight. He swallows, but it doesn’t help.

“Have you had anything to eat?”

Dean shakes his head.

“Alright.” Cas starts to pull away, but Dean’s still gripping his arms. He pulls Cas back. Cas blinks. Then stares. He studies Dean. Then, gently, “Alright. I understand.” He shifts his arms. Grabs one of Dean’s hands, and wraps Dean’s arm around his as if he’s escorting Dean to a dance. Dean latches onto him. Cas places his other hand on top of Dean’s. Then he leads them over to the pantry.

Dean is exhausted. He feels as if he’s floating, and Cas is the only thing keeping him tethered to reality. He stares at Cas’ hands as he opens the pantry and grabs some bread. Then he stares at Cas’ face. Cas looks just like he did the day he died.

“Missed you,” Dean finds himself saying.

Cas meets his gaze. His eyes are warm. “Yes, I think I’m starting to get that.” His face flashes something sad just for a moment. He squeezes Dean’s hand. “I missed you too.”

And just like that, tears are welling up in Dean’s eyes again. He looks at the floor.

Cas finishes making a sandwich. Then he grabs a cup from one of the cabinets and fills it with water. Dean is still clinging onto him. Cas grabs Dean’s arm and disentangles them. He immediately places a hand on Dean’s shoulder. He puts the glass of water in Dean’s right hand.

“Can you drink this?”

Dean nods. He puts the glass to his lips and drinks. The water is cold, and Dean can feel it running down through his body. He isn’t sure when he last had water. He finishes drinking, and Cas smiles at him. Dean’s heart flips.

Cas steps away to fill up the glass again and grab the sandwich. He goes to the table, and Dean follows. Cas pulls two chairs out and sits in one. Dean sits into the one next to him and scoots as close as he can. Their knees touch. Cas slides the sandwich over to Dean. He doesn’t say anything before Dean picks it up and starts to eat it. Dean can feel Cas’ eyes on him.

Neither of them say anything as Dean finishes his sandwich. Once he’s done, Cas scoots the glass of water in his direction. Dean drinks it. He can’t look Cas in the eyes again. He isn’t exactly sure what he’s feeling. Guilt, mostly, amongst many, many other things. Cas shouldn’t have to do this. Dean is a goddamn adult and should be able to take care of himself. He shouldn’t be putting Cas through this.

When Dean sets his empty glass down, Cas takes it and the plate over to the sink. He begins to wash them.

Dean jumps up and immediately heads for the sink. “Cas, don’t. I can do it.”

“I know you can, Dean.”

Dean stands next to Cas and reaches for the dishes.

“Dean.”

Dean instinctively meets Cas’ eyes.

Cas stares at him. Into him. “Let me do this. Please.”

Dean stares numbly back. Retracts his hands. Clears his throat. “Okay.”

Cas smiles. “Thank you.”

Dean looks at his shoes. He feels a headache coming. Probably from all that damn crying. It’s exhausted him too. “Think I’m gonna take a nap,” Dean says. He’ll probably just go to bed for the day. He finds it’s easier to drop off into hours of restless, dreamless sleep lately.

Cas stops washing the dishes, and Dean looks up. Cas asks, “Will you wait for me?”

Dean’s not entirely sure what Cas means, but he’ll do anything Cas wants. Dean nods. “Yeah.”

Cas smiles again. He finishes the dishes then links his arm with Dean’s like before. He leads them to Dean’s bedroom. And this is…oddly nice. Having Cas do everything. Even just walk Dean down the damn hall. Dean’s so entranced by it that he forgets what a mess his room is until Cas opens the door.

Dirty clothes cover every inch of the floor along with take-out boxes and bottles. The bottles are from all the beer, whiskey, and everything in between that Dean’s been drinking lately. It’s really fucking bad.

But Cas doesn’t even react. All he says is, “Would you prefer to sleep in my room?”

“Uh, sure, yeah.”

Cas closes Dean’s door. “We’ll clean that tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

Then Cas is leading him down the hall again. They soon reach Cas’ room, and Cas opens the door, and they walk inside.

Cas’ room is bare except for a few knicknacks Jack’s given him that are on the desk. Cas leads Dean over to the bed.

“Sit,” Cas says.

Dean does.

Then Cas is kneeling in front of him, and Dean’s brain goes completely blank.

What the fuck is happening.

But then Cas is untying Dean’s boots, and Dean’s face heats up in shame.

Dean’s had his boots on ever since he went to the liquor store a couple days ago. He’s been sleeping in them. It’s surprisingly relieving when Cas takes them off. God. His feet probably stink.

“Sorry,” Dean mumbles.

Cas looks up. He squeezes Dean's knee. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

Dean shuts his eyes. “Cas. You know I do.”

There’s a slight pause, and Dean opens his eyes.

“We’ll have that conversation another time,” Cas replies. Then Cas peels off Dean’s socks. He grabs Dean’s socks and boots and sets them on the floor by the desk. “May I take your pants off?”

Dean’s mouth goes completely dry, and his ears ring. “What?”

“I don’t understand how you and your brother find sleeping in jeans comfortable,” Cas explains.

Dean’s face goes red. Again. “Oh. Uh, I can do it.” He quickly stands and unzips his jeans and pulls them off. He stumbles a bit when he steps out of the legs, and then he’s left holding his pants. He stares at them stupidly.

Cas grabs them. Folds them. Puts them on the desk. He turns back and stares at Dean.

Intelligently, Dean says, “Um.”

“Do you want more blankets?”

Without looking at the bed, Dean says, “No, thanks.”

Cas’ gaze turns soft. He steps closer. He pulls the blankets over for Dean to climb into the bed. So Dean does. He pulls the covers over himself and then stares up at Cas. The light from the desk lamp is behind him, so all Dean can see is Cas’ silhouette.

Cas asks, “Would you like me to put you to sleep?”

Dean suddenly can’t find his voice. It’s trapped in his throat. He bites down his panic and shakes his head. He feels adrift from his body when he scoots over on the bed and opens the covers. He can only plead to Cas with his eyes.

Cas stares. And stares. And stares.

Dean fucked up.

But Cas is moving. Toeing off his shoes. Taking off his trenchcoat and the suit jacket. His tie. He places them all on the desk chair. Then he climbs into bed next to Dean and pulls the blankets to cover them both.

And Dean stares at him. They’re so fucking close. Dean can feel his warmth. See the different shades of blue in his eyes. He looks so good. They’re not close enough.

“Cas.” His voice still sounds rough. “I missed you so much.” His voice breaks.

Cas reaches for him, but Dean moves before Cas touches him. He lays his head on Cas’ chest. Wraps his arms around his torso. He tangles their legs together, and just presses into him. He drinks in Cas’ warmth. His scent. Tries to memorize how his body feels. Strong but not hard. Soft but not weak.

Dean still isn’t close enough and shifts so his head rests in the crook of Cas’ neck. He closes his eyes and pushes into Cas’ skin with his cheek.

“I’m here, Dean,” Cas whispers into Dean’s hair. “I’m here.”

And Dean whimpers.

Cas slides his hands up and down Dean’s back in slow, comforting movements. Dean focuses on it. Lets himself get lost in it. He feels the tension he’s been holding in him since Cas died slowly melt away.

Dean loves him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The bedroom door slams open.

“Cas!” Sam. He sounds desperate. “It’s Dean. I can’t fin—”

Dean turns over on his stomach and puts a pillow over his head. It’s too bright. And loud. And he’s so, so sweaty. His mouth is dry. God. He must have a hangover. But…no. Oh. Withdrawal.

Dean hears Sam and Cas’ muffled voices for a few moments. Then the door closes. Cas shifts beside him, and Dean braces himself for when Cas leaves. But he doesn’t. Instead, Dean feels one of Cas’ hands on his back. Something tugs on Dean’s pillow, and he reluctantly lets it go. He keeps his eyes closed though.

“Dean.”

“Mmmrrf.”

A hand on his shoulder. “Let me see you. Please. I believe you’re experiencing withdrawal symptoms.”

Dean groans. “Let me suffer in peace.”

Cas sighs. “I would like to heal you.”

Dean freezes. No. Absolutely not. He doesn’t deserve it. Not after everything Cas has done for him. Not after everything Dean has done since his death. No way.

“Please,” Cas whispers. And, god. It sounds like he needs it. Dean thinks back to last night. Maybe he does.

Dean turns over on his back and squints. “Yeah, sure.”

“Thank you.” And, dammit, Cas sounds relieved.

But then Cas’ hands are on his face, gently cradling him. Dean’s eyes snap wide open. Then Cas leans down, carefully, and places a light kiss onto Dean’s forehead.

The world snaps into sobriety.

Dean gasps and blinks. Oh. Oh, shit. It’s a lot clearer now. He can feel the sweat on his skin. The springs in the mattress. How oily his hair has gotten. How thirsty he is. And he’s a lot more aware. His thoughts string together easily, and he can feel himself locking down his emotions, shoving them away. Dean knew he was drunk most of the time, but shit.

Cas is staring down at him. His blue eyes uncertain.

Dean must fix it. So, stupidly, he says, “Not there.”

Cas opens his mouth. Blinks. Tilts his head in confusion. “I don’t understand.”

Dean taps his lips. Waits. Stares. His heart is beating so fucking fiercely. He thinks his hands are shaking.

“Dean, I—what… Are you asking me to kiss you?”

“Yeah,” Dean answers breathily.

Now Cas stares.

Dean’s blood runs cold. This is exactly why he hates sobriety. Of course Cas isn’t going to kiss him. What the hell had he been thinking? Cas doesn’t feel that way anymore. How could Dean let himself forget that? How could he let himself hope for something so unattainable? Cas would never want to—

Cas is cupping his face again. His gaze dips to Dean’s lips then back up to his eyes.

“Cas, please.” Dean doesn’t think he’s ever sounded so desperate.

“You want this.” Cas seems astonished at his statement.

“Well, duh.” Dean’s face grows hot.

Cas’ eyes widen. “You want me.” And the way Cas fucking says that…

“Cas.”

Cas leans down again. Pauses right before their lips touch. But Dean’s done waiting. He wraps his hands around Cas’ neck and leans into him.

Dean’s light at first. Barely brushing their lips together. Then Cas presses in for more, and Dean opens for him. Their lips slide together, and Dean can’t stop the quiet whimpers that escape from somewhere deep within him. He slides his hands up into Cas’ hair. God. The amount of times he’s wanted to do this exact thing. And Cas seems to like it too because he presses his body closer. Parting Dean’s knees and sliding between them. Dean pulls. He needs to feel Cas’ weight on him. Cas complies and presses into him, but he never breaks their kiss. His body is a reassuring, warm weight on top of Dean. Better than Dean’s ever dreamed. Cas’ tongue lightly passes over Dean’s bottom lip. Dean whines and tugs Cas’ hair. Cas slips his tongue into Dean’s mouth, and Dean loses it. He’s grabbing Cas everywhere he can. His hair, the front of his shirt, his waist. Trying to pull him closer. He grabs one of the hands Cas has on his chest and slides it under his shirt. Cas’ breath stutters.

“M-more,” Dean pleads. “Closer. Cas.”

Cas shoves both hands under Dean’s shirt. His warm hands touch everywhere they can. Up Dean’s chest. Along his sides. Over the softness of his middle. Dean whines again, and Cas’ tongue is back in his mouth.

Then Cas is pulling away.

Fear strikes sharply through Dean. Paralyzing. Did Cas not want this? Did Dean seriously fuck this up? Did he just ruin everything? Dean blinks up at Cas, holding his breath. His heartbeat thunders in his ears.

Cas cups his face again. “Dean.” His voice is even lower than usual. And his hair is disheveled. His eyes are blown dark. His lips are wet.

Shit.

Dean did that.

Shit.

“I—” Cas begins breathlessly. He swallows. “I needed to slow down before—before I…”

“You can have whatever you want, Cas.”

Cas’ cheeks turn pink, and he looks away. He tries to bite back a smile. He looks down at Dean again. “Thank you, Dean. I…I just think we need to talk first.” He raises an eyebrow.

“Or not,” Dean quickly answers. “We can let our bodies do the talking.”

“I believe we just did.” But Cas’ gaze softens. He leans down again. Kisses Dean quickly. Once. Twice. Three times before pulling back again. Breathlessly, “You are so beautiful.”

Dean feels himself blush and looks away. “Cas, c’mon.”

“I’m serious. You are so beautiful, Dean.”

Dean huffs and looks back up. But he stills when he sees Cas’ expression. Cas is staring down at him intensely. Open. Vulnerable. There is heat behind his gaze. But also a softness. A fondness.

Love.

Dean feels as if he’s been punched in the gut. “I never said it back,” he says weakly.

Cas’ brow furrows. “Said what back?”

Dean swallows. Licks his lips. “I love you too.”

Dean only has a second to register Cas is moving before their lips meet again.