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#devils night


#god please ignore this i just. need to say this somewhere i just need to let this out without anyone seeing it because i dont. i cant carry, #this i cant., #she screamed at the top of her lungs to leave her alone. she kept screaming it, #she said if the cops showed up one day to tell her ive been killed and chopped into little pieces or raped she wouldn't care, #she said she hopes the next time i leave the house that i get runover by a car or a truck, #or a train, #she said she hopes that tomorrow i end up in a body bag covered in dirt, #she said she hopes i never know happiness. that me and the devil are best friends, #all because last night i intervened to stop her from her hurting my brother, #this morning i was able to check how he was hurt and he has the deep scratches on his back, #and now all i was doing was assembling the keyboard stand bc i wanted to practice playing music, #im so. tired. im so tired. and so fucking alone., #i wish someone in this house would stand up for me like i do for them. i wish someone cared enough, #i wish and i wish and i wish and sometimes a wish will come true, #like a scholarship that helps me afford dorming, #but suddenly i have to take out a loan bc u didnt read the fine print on the state scholarship saying i wouldnt get aid if i got a private, #scholarship. and suddenly a pandemic hits and i have to move back in and the money left over from the scholarship that id used for housing, #ends up being for nothing. meaning i didnt even need to take out a loan, #and now im back here. now i found out what she'd been doing when i wasnt here, #and i cant leave them. not again, #and maybe im being overdramatic but she put her hands on me a few days before my birthday, #she hates me more than she hates anyone in the world, #i don't mind dying. i dont seek it out anymore but i dont mind it. but im scared of her, #and its funny bc im an adult now legally so i have no protection, #and who was my protection before? the cops? acs? they didnt do anything. just gave her more reasons to hate me, #because im the only one who tries to hold her accountable for her actions, #im so. tired. im so alone. oh my god im so alone. i cant even begin to put into words how deep this hurt goes, #more than a decade of this pain. i cant get rid of this hurt and loneliness. cant wash it off or shake it off. cant kill it off., #im so tired.
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