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biboybuckley · 2 years

Note

Ficlet prompt: " I love the way you say my name' if it sparks joy/inspo

answering two in one cause this has been sitting in my inbox for so long i'm so sorry dear nonny i simply was brain empty

Anonymous asked: "Can I give you a hug? You look upset." For the 101 ways to say i love you prompt list <3

Buck feels numb.

His hands are still shaking, clenched tight in his lap as he tries to make sure no one notices. He’s in the locker room, more or less hiding. He doesn’t want anyone to see how deeply that affected him. He’s supposed to be able to just shake this stuff off.

He usually does.

Put it away and we save the next one.

Buck said that to Eddie once. He’s said it to himself countless times. But this time, it doesn’t work. His hands still shake, his breaths are still shaking, his throat is still tight, his eyes still sting with unshed tears. Because this time, all he could think was what do we tell her kids?

How do you tell a child that their parent is gone? How do you tell them that they’re never going to get another hug hello, another kiss goodnight, another story before bed?

Chim said to let the father do that. It hit Buck like a ton of bricks. Because when Eddie was in a similar position, Buck was the one to tell Chris. Not Pepa, not Abuela, not Bobby. Not family nor Eddie’s superiors. It was Buck.

Buck had to look Chris in the eyes and tell him that his father wasn’t coming home that night, that he might not come back at all. That he was hurt, that someone had hurt him on purpose. That he might not be okay. That he was a fighter. That they were trying to fix Eddie like they had fixed Buck.

Buck had to hold Chris as they both cried.

Buck had to stay with Chris while his real father recovered from a gunshot wound that in all likelihood should have been fatal.

No- Buck didn’t have to. He chose to. It wasn’t even conscious- it was just a given. Eddie was hurt and Buck was going to take care of Chris.

They’re gonna need their dad. That’s what Chim said. Those are the words ringing in Buck’s ears.

I need to talk to Christopher. It was Buck’s first thought once Eddie was out of his hands, literally.

It’s not like Buck’s never thought of it before; he acts like a second father to Chris. He’s sometimes even taken to thinking of the kid as his, too. Privately, of course. That’s not a boundary he wants to officially cross, not a line he wants to overstep. But still…

“Buck.” Bobby saying his name snaps Buck out of his thoughts and he looks up from his still-shaking hands, blinking a few times.

“Hey Cap, what’s up?” His voice is rougher, rawer than he’d like. He clears his throat and stands up, waiting for Bobby.

“I called Eddie to come pick you up.”

“What-? Cap, we still have an hour left-”

“Go home, Buckley,” Bobby says, his voice hard enough that Buck knows it’s not a suggestion. “You’re unfit for duty.”

“I’m fine, Bobby” Buck argues, feeling strangely panicked at the idea of going home to Chris with Eddie. It’s not his place. They’re not really his.

Bobby raises an eyebrow and looks pointedly at Buck’s shaking hands. Buck tightens his jaw and clenches them into fists. “We can manage, Buck. You need to go home.” Home meaning Eddie’s house. Buck tries to ignore how his chest warms.

“Cap-”

“It was a tough call for everyone, Buck,” Bobby says, softer now. He sets a hand on Buck’s shoulder and Buck blinks back tears. “But not all of us had to tell our partner’s kid that he wasn’t coming home less than a year ago.”

“It’s not the same,” Buck tries, but his argument is weak and his voice is cracking.

“No, it’s not. Those kids hadn’t already lost one parent.” Buck closes his eyes and lets his head drop. Bobby squeezes his shoulder gently. “Go home, son.”

“Thanks Bobby,” Buck whispers, his throat thick with tears and the words heavy on his tongue. Bobby squeezes his shoulder once more and then turns to leave. Buck doesn’t move for a few moments, trying to take deep, steadying breaths.

He’s not sure how much time passes until he feels stable enough to move, like the simple act of lifting his head won’t shatter him completely. He goes through the motions almost robotically, changing into civilian clothes and packing up his bag. He slips out of the firehouse without running into anyone else and has a sneaking suspicion that Bobby instructed them all to give him space.

Eddie’s outside already, parked in his truck and leaning back in the driver’s seat with his eyes closed. One hand is outside the window, tapping the body of the car along to whatever song he’s listening to. As Buck walks up, Eddie somehow senses him and opens his eyes, turning to offer a soft smile and little wave.

Buck forces a smile as he walks around the truck and tosses his bag in the back before hopping into the passenger seat.

“Hey,” Eddie greets. His eyes are already studying Buck, taking in everything then can and analyzing him from the inside out. “Heard you had a rough call.”

“Yeah,” Buck breathes, sinking back into the seat. “Yeah, we did.”

“Talk, listen, or neither?” It’s the system they’ve been using for a while- when one of them is struggling, they can either a) talk about it, b) listen to the other one talk, or c) simply exist together for a while.

“Neither, if that’s okay,” he answers quietly, closing his eyes. He doesn’t have the energy right now, just being with Eddie is enough. Eddie reaches over and squeezes his arm gently. Buck doesn’t have to look to know that he’s smiling gently, even if his eyes are a little sad.

“‘Course it’s alright.” Buck attempts at a smile, but he doubts it works. Eddie starts the car and turns up the radio. A woman is singing. It’s not a song Buck recognizes, nor a voice he knows. But the lyrics stab through him and he suddenly feels like he can’t breathe again.

Sure, every day's a chance to fight

Forever wrestling, trying to make amends again

The tone is upbeat, but the words cut him like a knife, baring him for the world to see. Hot tears burn behind his eyes and he turns his face, eyes still shut, away from Eddie. He lets himself get lost in the song and before he knows it, the rocking of the truck and the strange, heartbreaking comfort the song brings him is lulling him to sleep.

“Buck.” Something nudges his shoulder and Buck groans softly, pushing himself off where he’s slumped against the car window. “Buck.” He blinks his eyes slowly, brow furrowed as he orients himself again. He turns towards Eddie’s voice and finds his friend grinning back at him softly. “Hey. Welcome back.”

“I fell asleep,” Buck murmurs.

Eddie laughs gently. “I noticed. But we’re home now and Chris is waiting, so…”

“Right.” Buck sniffs and shakes his head, waking himself up a little as he unbuckles himself. “I just gotta grab my bag-”

“I got it,” Eddie says. “You go see Chris.”

“I can-” the protest dies in his throat and he swallows thickly. “Thanks.” Eddie just nods and so Buck opens his door and hops out onto shaky feet. He tries to perk himself up as he walks towards the house, already pulling his key from his pocket when the door opens on its own. Carla stands in the doorway, nodding for Buck to come in with a warm smile.

“I heard the car,” she explains, pulling him in for a quick hug. “Chris is in the kitchen and I gotta head out. You boys gonna be alright?”

“Yeah,” Buck says, letting her go. “Yeah we’re good.” And he’s not entirely sure it’s true, but he certainly knows he’s better now that he’s here. Carla squeezes his arm once and then moves past him, shutting the door behind her. Buck takes another deep breath and puts on his best smile as he walks towards the kitchen.

He stops in the entrance, leaning against the doorframe and smiling as he watches Chris. He’s working on homework, hunched over his papers on the table with his brow furrowed in concentration. Something must alert him to Buck’s presence because he suddenly looks up, beaming.

“Buck!”

“Hey Chris,” Buck greets cheerily, walking over to sit next to him. “What’re we working on?”

“Math.”

Buck scoffs, leaning back. “Well then, I'll officially be no help at all.”

Chris giggles and all of a sudden, Buck’s smile is genuine. The weight feels like it’s lifting and the constant pressure of tears is a little lighter. Then Chris pauses, peering at Buck and tilting his head.

“Can I give you a hug?” he asks abruptly. Buck frowns slightly. “You look upset.”

“Oh buddy,” Buck says softly, already opening his arms to envelop this small sunshine child that for some inexplicable reason seems to love him. “I’m alright, I just had a little bit of a difficult call today.”

Chris squeezes him tightly. “You should talk about it. Talking about things makes them less scary.”

Buck swallows hard, the tears returning with a ferocity. “Yeah,” he says, his voice thick, “yeah, I’ll do that, kiddo.”

“I’m glad you’re home,” Chris whispers into his neck and Buck looks to the ceiling, willing his tears away. He squeezes Chris tighter.

“Me too, Chris.”

***

A few hours later, after dinner and several rounds of video games that resulted in some truly spectacular losses on Eddie’s part, Buck’s putting Chris to bed. It wasn’t even a discussed thing- bedtime rolled around and Eddie went to do dishes and Buck came to tuck Chris in.

“Hey Buck,” Chris says softly, sleepily, as Buck moves to turn off his bedside lamp. Buck pauses, squatting beside Chris’s bed, and turns to look at him.

“Yeah?”

Chris yawns as he speaks and Buck almost misses it. “You’re a really good dad.”

And Buck… Buck doesn’t know how to answer that. Suddenly he’s choked up and yet again fighting back tears as he whispers, “Love you, kiddo. Sweet dreams.” He clicks off the light and Chris seems like he’s out almost immediately. Buck doesn’t move, just watches him for several moments.

A soft noise from behind him finally snaps him out of it and he turns to see Eddie leaning against the doorframe, an unreadable expression on his face. He just nods his head, gesturing for Buck to follow him, and walks away. Buck swallows hard. Fuck. So much for not crossing that line.

He’s shaky once again as he stands up and leaves Chris’s room, gently closing the door and steeling himself before going to meet Eddie in the living room. He’s sitting on the couch and watches Buck carefully as he walks over to sit next to him. They stay in silence for a while, Buck staring at his hands and Eddie’s gaze burning into the side of his head.

“I’m sorry,” Buck blurts finally, looking at Eddie. Eddie’s calculating expression morphs into one of confusion. Naturally, Buck starts to ramble. “I didn’t- I didn’t mean to overstep. I didn’t know that he was gonna- gonna say that. I just- I’m sorry.”

“Evan,” Eddie says sharply, cutting Buck off. Buck falls silent, swallowing his tears once more. Eddie’s voice turns gentle and he moves to cover both of Buck’s hands with his. “He didn’t say anything that’s not true.”

Buck’s jaw works as he tries to figure out what to say, searching Eddie’s eyes. “He didn’t?”

Eddie shakes his head, that gentle smile already forming again. “You’ve been a great dad to that kid since the moment you met him.”

“I-”

“Evan,” Eddie starts, firm but soft, “you are a part of this family. How many times do I have to tell you that before you believe me?”

“Maybe- maybe once more?” Buck tries for a grin, but he knows his shining eyes give him away.

“You’re a part of our family, Evan. Have been since the moment you met Chris. We’re not going anywhere, and neither are you. Okay?” Evan.

“Okay,” Buck says hoarsely. His mind is spinning and Eddie must be able to see it in his eyes because the next thing he asks is,

“What are you thinking about?”

“No one really calls me that,” Buck blurts out. “Evan. No one but Maddie.”

“Oh.” Eddie blinks, brow furrowed, like that’s not what he expected. “I didn’t mean to- I don’t have to-”

“No,” Buck interrupts quickly. He smiles a little. “It’s a good thing. I love the way you say my name. It makes me feel like-” He doesn’t know how to express it, how to turn the jumble of emotions into words.

“Like what?” Eddie prompts softly.

Buck looks him straight in the eyes and lets out a quiet, almost incredulous laugh. “Like I’m home.”