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#dick is a bi disaster
oldmannapping · 7 months
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HC:
Reporter: What do you have to say to criticism that for years, the Robin role was filled solely by straight, cis white males?
Nightwing: I’m not white.
Red Hood: I’m not white.
Red Robin: I’m not… Well I’m white...
The camera lingers for an awkward moment before an offended Spoiler jumps into frame and protests girl-Robin erasure.
Later, someone puts the short close up of Red Robin’s response in slow motion with rainbow filters and dance music, and it‘s a viral joke in Gotham for two weeks.
It’s mostly forgotten for years until Red Robin goes to Pride and casually mentions that he’s already come out years ago. The clip resurfaces and people are like, “Wait, that was it??? That was real???”
Because Tim Drake has extensive media training but Red Robin is a chaotic bisexual disaster with no filter.
And that’s my headcannon of how Red Robin comes out in a way that’s so dumb, most people don’t even realise he’s done it.
(Bonus headcanon: Bernard was the creator of the original viral clip and was infuriated at the time because people thought it was a joke but it was SO OBVIOUS that Red Robin was coming out. Why couldn’t everyone see it?)
(EDIT: This recipe can also be used for gay, trans, or ace Tim - just adjust the ingredients to your personal preference.)
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theaceofarrows · 21 days
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Steph: Dudes be like "I'm fighting demons" and the whole time it's just gay thoughts
Steph: [gestures at Tim]
Tim: [shrugs]
Dick: You know, that could explain some of my teenage angst?
Jason: Only some of it?
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livingdeadvoid · 1 year
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batfamily au
Cass: I have a new bingo space.
Tim, curious: Do tell.
Cass, cracking up: Falling in love with a fellow vigilante or super. One that you've been friends with for awhile.
Jason, dead inside: Screw you.
Dick, rolling in his eyes in annoyance: Been there, done that. Multiple times.
Tim, shuddering at the memory: Kon-
Duke, extremely confused, and extremely concerned: Is that... Is that like a normal thing??
Damian: Apparently.
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funklefunk · 2 months
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Dick Grayson: What’s your New Years Resolution Dami?
Damian: You know I looked up the word twink… and I think you are too old.
Dick: *gagged*
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sacersanguis · 2 years
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Pre‐Ethiopia Jason looking at Clark and Bruce on their usual bs: ...
Jason: Meh. Ms. Jane Austen did it better with Lizzie and Darcy. This looks like a cheaply produced melodramatic shitshow with two divorced actors playing as a couple. Hard pass. Solid 2/10.
Bruce: ...
Clark: wow---
Dick: *cackling and losing it in the background*
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"It's more than a 'date' with us. It always has been."💖💜💙
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Birds of Prey (1999) #8 and Nightwing (1996) #55
No one in the world just gets Babs like Dick and Dick like Babs. And no one does a slow burn like they do.
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celaenaeiln · 2 years
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Random throwback but Dick and Tim have super strong Percy and Nico vibes
Percy and Dick being the legendary paragons of Justice while looking hot, kicking butt, and sassing beings who really shouldn’t be sassed.
Nico and Tim being the powerful knows-more-than-everyone else-what’s-going-on beings, kicking butt, and being absolutely done with the world while still managing to out-sarcasm everyone in existence.
Their dynamic is almost identical too because Percy saved Nico and in turn Nico worshipped the ground Percy walked on before he eventually grew older and simply loved him as an older brother. Totally not at all like how Tim saw Dick perform, fell obsessed with him, before he grew up and saw him as his loving older brother.
Dick and Percy almost look indistinguishable while Tim and Nico have a lot of physical similarities. Even their personalities, mannerisms, and the friendships they have with others have parallels especially with Percy dating Annabeth and Dick dating Barbara. Not to mention Nico with sun child Will and Tim canonically dating Bernard and (not so canonically) with Kon.
And who could forget the terrifying, overwhelming, protective rage Dick and Percy unleash when someone hurts their friends and family. The identical range of emotions in the scenes when Dick strangled the Joker to death because he thought he killed Tim and when Percy almost kills primordial goddess Akhyls for hurting Annabeth in Tartarus. The desperate, incomparable perseverance Nico and Tim show for their family. How Nico broke rules and stopped at nothing to get Bianca back and how Tim broke free to track his way across America to prove Bruce wasn’t dead.
How Dick and Percy are always smiling, joking, and downplaying themselves due to insecurities when they accomplished feats no one else could even dream of attempting. How everyone in the room always turns to Tim and Nico for information and guidance because they always know something that the others can’t see.
Percy’s absolute goodness to the point it’s crippling? Mmmn. Now why does that sound familiar? Nico’s inability to communicate devolving into misunderstandings of him? Gods, Tim. Again?
With Trials of Apollo pushing Percy’s DILF agenda and Dick’s middle aged harem, it’s actually insane how alike they are. I mean Dick as a son of Poseidon and Tim as a son of Hades fits so damn well. Even more when you realize both Tim and Nico have parental abandonment issues and Dick and Percy are both daddy’s favorites.
A fic abt this would be absolutely wild where Dick is Percy and Tim is Nico or vice versa - maybe reincarnated brothers?
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OMG I JUST REALIZED THAT IF DICK WAS PERCY THEN GARTH WOULD KNOW BECAUSE HE’S AN ATLANTEAN PRINCE AND THEY WOULD KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE THE TITANS AND THIS JUST OPENED UP A WHOLE NEW REALM OF POSSIBILITIES!!!
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Hello misfits! Your favorite sass master here with another fic! Well I've got several I'm working on but its been awhile since I've posted one to here eh? Enjoy!
Living through Hell: Hazbin Apocalypse AU Pt.1
“Reginald stop the car!” A female voice cried as the driver who was named Reginald looked back at his mistress briefly.
“Of course, Miss Morningstar!” He replied as he soon brought the large black truck to a skidding halt in front of a lone store. “I suggest hurrying, m'lady. we don't want to linger for too long with the hoarde of zombies nearby!” He watched as the tall blonde woman exited the 2015 Knight XV.
Out of the corner of her eye, the woman spotted a grey camo Hummer with wings painted on the hood and the letters U.S.H painted on the sides speeding off with two people laughing, flipping the building off. “Assholes..” She muttered but went inside since her radio picked up a distress call.
The building used to be what looked to be a sub fast food place named Hellway. The blonde looked around and spotted the back room with a trail of blood leading to it. “Shit, they might be hurt pretty bad…”
The groans of zombies outside made the woman move quickly and quietly as her black combat boots trekked along the broken debris. “Mierda…” She blinked hearing a voice. “Bet those fucks didn't notice I snagged their fucking radio, ammo, and supplies..”
A soft groan escaped the owner as they soon turned their head towards the door opening. “Oh shit… You look worse than I thought.” The owner saw the blonde in the doorway and moved back wincing. “Hey, I'm the one who got the distress call, I'm here to help.”
“Gracias…”
The blonde looked over the wounded figure, a woman who looked to be in her early twenties with beautiful short brown hair, and a soft light brown eye since the other one had been gouged out. “This should do, for now, but I'm going to get you outta here ok?”
“Don't forget the backpack over there too, it's got stuff for you..” The brunette wheezed, pointing to the grey army backpack to the side.
“Thanks, I'm Charlie by the way.” The blonde replied, wrapping the bleeding socket with bandages and a gauze. This earned a slight yet very cute smile making Charlie blush a bit.
“Vaggie… I know sounds dumb right?” The brunette winced, but the sound of glass breaking made her move into Charlie's arms showing there was more wounds on the back. “We gotta move now!” She whispered growling.
Charlie shook her head to clear the gay thoughts as she soon grabbed the heavy army back with one arm, and the smaller woman with the other showing how strong she was underneath her tattered white button up. She soon bolted with both. “Reginald, start the truck now!” She shouted, making the elderly man in the driver seat nod. “Right away Miss Morningstar!”
Two dogs both being beautiful black border collies jumped and opened the side door, letting their owner jump in without much hassle. “Nicely done Razzle and Dazzle!” Charlie cooed at her boys.
Reginald soon punched the gas pedal as a hoarde of zombies rushed them, he managed to shake three that managed to latch on off. “Not bad old man.” Vaggie smirked a bit but looked really weak. She was perched in Charlie's lap in the backseat since the latter tossed the bag to the side.
Charlie fished out the first aid kit that was hidden in the back compartment underneath the luxurious display of a flat screen TV, a gaming console, a DVD player, and an inner radio set up. She started using a cloth to apply pressure to the wound on the back, making Vaggie hiss. “Just stay with me, okay?”
“Those look like hooked machete cuts, m'lady. The blade is jagged, so those wounds won't be easy to heal without major scarring.” Reginald replied, making Charlie growl.
“Assholes, why would anyone do this?”
“You're sweet, but listen, word of advice? Don't go helping everyone you meet, you'll be bled dry in this hellhole..” Vaggie winced but due to blood loss she passed out.
Charlie blinked but gave a soft look. “I know but if I can help someone I will..” She muttered as the drive was a long one.
----
Her mind drifted to the people she tried to help. Some brushed her off and snapped for getting in the way; others straight up demanded the goods she was carrying. It saddened her that she had been forced to use violence on multiple occasions, giving her the reputation and the nickname The Demon Princess for her prowess.
Those eyes drifted out the window as her eyes watched the rocky landscape go by as Reginald made sure to keep the drive quiet and comfortable.
On the drive back, Charlie's mind wandered to before the Apocalypse four years ago, she and her parents were happy and out on a hunting trip. While she hated the fact they killed cute animals, it meant spending time with her mother and father who were always all over one another. Her father Lucifer was the head of Pentagram City, a place where each district was named after the seven deadly sins, as a way to get back as his old friends since they casted him out when he decided to help his wife Lilith, a well known crime boss who refused to bow down to anyone.
Charlie smiled remembering her aunts and uncles, they were so nice to her if some were a bit strange. Though when Lilith disappeared one night, the whole world went to shit. Some blame Lilith and Lucifer for unleashing an apocalyptic nuke on the world, others revered them as gods of worship. Both sides left a bad taste in the blonde's mouth. One hand others scorned her and her family, trying to dupe, outwit, or possibly kill them, while the other half were creepy cult fanatics who acted like the seven sins forming new communities within the old ones.
Reginald was one of the old servants of the Morningstar manor, a kind elderly gentleman who felt like a lovable grandpa. He taught Charlie to shoot, scavage, and survive the new world when her own father went into hiding. He was often dressed in a casual black suit with a white shirt, and black bowtie. His wife Ester had died of old age prior, but was Charlie's nanny. The old man often spoiled Charlie too, saying that she was like his own grandchild, and was very protective much like the dogs Razzle and Dazzle.
The butler looked sadden seeing his mistress deep in thought, and yet she was being so caring despite the trauma she had. “M'lady it seems we've possibly gained a new ally. At least it won't be just us four anymore.” He piped up, making Charlie come out of her thoughts. “Makes this old man happy to see you have a friend close to your age..”
“Mhm… I hope so..” The blonde replied with a soft look. Her eyes were a rare trait. They shined like rubies alongside her beautiful platinum blonde hair and pale skin. She resembled someone with albinism to some degree. It made other children steer clear of her despite how friendly she appeared.
Reginald was the first outsider to call her cute and charming, he remembered how he found her curled up in his black suit jacket one stormy night since her parents were away that weekend. He smiled fondly at the memory. Another memory was Charlie's first suit since she wanted to dress more masculine and be seen as more like herself than some prissy noble doll. He smiled watching the teen wear a very cute red suit which mimicked what Lucifer used to wear. “You've grown so much M'lady, it makes me very proud and teary.”
Charlie giggled as the truck drove up to a small abandoned red brick house that was their base. The dogs easily jumped out first as Reginald carried the backpack inside alongside the rifle his mistress used. “Well I do have the best grandpa.” She teased carrying in the unconscious Vaggie.
He smiled at the comment and went to gather the medical supplies to help the patient. “I assume you'd like to handle it, Miss Morningstar?” He asked as Charlie nodded. “Alright then, I'll go cook us something.” He left the small bedroom leaving his mistress alone.
---
Charlie got out some water that had been purified and poured it into a small bowl, she then dipped a cloth into it. “This might sting a little..” She spoke while gently removing the blood soaked bandages on Vaggie's face. She winced seeing the empty socket but carefully wiped around it since an infection there could prove deadly.
The latter hissed as her good eye opened slightly. “Sorry!” She heard Charlie say as the blonde flinched back. “So how bad is it?” Vaggie asked as her stomach churned from the headache.
“W-well..” Charlie scratched her cheek a bit. “There's a few jagged marks since an x was carved into it, it seems like whoever did this was brutal, Reginald says it was the work of a machete.” She sheepishly stated, though, applied rubbing alcohol to a clean cloth. “I need to disinfect it…”
“Do what you gotta do. I can't move anyway..” Vaggie groaned, closing her eyes, making the x on her left eyelid seen even more. Charlie felt bad seeing it, but she then rolled up a free cloth. “Hmm?”
“Bite down on this..” The blonde offered since it was better than biting the tongue.
“Gracias…”
The process of cleaning the wounds was long, but the pain did keep Vaggie awake, though she was grateful for the cloth she was biting down on. Charlie got to the smaller woman's back and blinked, her eyes widening in horror. “Fuck…” She breathed, seeing the lacerations. “You're seriously one tough woman since you've managed to survive with these wounds…”
This earned a soft chuckle from Vaggie, who then winced feeling Charlie apply a medical gauze to her back. “I used to live with people from my military days, and was also the youngest female soldier there too.” She replied looking back. “They were not the nicest to say the least…”
Charlie winced at the last comment but then blushed a bit. “Sorry but um… Could you move your arms up, please?” She asked as Vaggie chuckled.
“Aren't you polite.” The Latina playfully teased with a soft smile, though she did move her arms to the best the wounds would allow, since Charlie had to wrap her torso. “Wh-what, it's only natural to ask when doing this?”
“Unless the person is out cold?” Vaggie smirked, teasing her some more.
“Hey, you were bleeding from the eye! I had to do something!” Charlie defended looking like a pouting puppy. She soon re-wrapped Vaggie's left eye again with a fresh gauze and bandages. The two were seen laughing a bit as Reginald came in with dinner as it was almost nightfall.
“This is my butler Reginald, he drove us here.” Charlie gestured to the older man.
“A pleasure my lady. It seems M'lady has done quite well patching you up too.” He smiled seeing the handiwork.
Vaggie eyed him a bit, but found he wasn't a threat since he didn't look at her with that gross objectifying gaze Adam usually had. “Vaggie..” She replied, but looked away since he reminded her of the elderly couple her old gang had bullied.
“A lovely name for a young miss. Now please you must be hungry, so eat up.” Reginald commented with a kind smile to his warm green eyes.
Charlie smiled and took a bowl from the tray Reginald was holding. “First bowl is yours, Vaggie.” She grinned, making the smaller woman blink. “Oh uh thanks..”
Reginald took his food with him as he left the girls seeing how Vaggie looked a little uncomfortable around men. “Poor girl.. Though I have to wonder why that Hummer was there in the first place.” He pondered and decided to look into it.
That night the girls rested well with the pair of dogs beside them, though Reginald gasped at his findings while using the high powered radio. “United Sanctuary of Heaven?” He blinked since his master Lucifer had belonged to such a place. “The Exorcists Platoon?” He nodded hearing that it was the group that drove the army issued Hummers. “M'lady I hope you know what you're doing…” He decided not to report this to his mistress just yet, as he trusted Charlie's judgement.
-----
The info weighed on Reginald during the month it took Vaggie to heal fully. He wanted to ask the girl about it, but saw she was still a little skittish around him. Charlie and the dogs not so much. “Miss Vaggie, I found this in the basement awhile ago. Would you like it?” He asked, trying to make friends with her.
Vaggie blinked as in his hands was a powerful 12 gauge Ithaca 37 shotgun. “No way!” Her eye lit up seeing it. “That's a 1933 model, where the fuck did you get this?!” She actually smirked holding the pump-action gun.
“It seems the owner of this house loved his guns, I've found a 1982 AutoMag .44 magnum as well.” The butler smiled, showing the gun on his belt.
Charlie blinked, looking over after hearing that adorable squee. She had her mouth agape hearing Vaggie going off about guns and weapons and finding it fun to discuss with Reginald, who was smiling. “Huh…” The blonde found this to be really cute as her blush deepened. “Ah fuck, I think I might have a crush..” She watched the short haired brunette with a ramble on with a beautiful grin. “No c'mon Charlie, you've only known this girl for a month and your lonely ass got attached.” She muttered and scolded herself.
She remembered the month that had gone by clearly, from the cleaning of the wounds while sneaking a peek at that gorgeous lightly tanned skin with small freckles along the back, shoulders and nape, to the quick catches and gentle touches she had given to Vaggie's skin when the woman was about to fall. Charlie grumbled remembering how focused and hot she looked when test firing some BB guns to get back into shape. She sighed and went to do some light training in the backyard as a way to clear her head.
Vaggie soon looked around for Charlie to gush and show her new shotgun too like a kid with a new toy. But what greeted her lone eye was a sight to behold. Charlie kicked the bottle that was placed on a dummy clean off with her right foot. She looked like she barely broke a sweat and super focused. “Dios mio…” Vaggie watched since she only ever saw the friendly puppy dog side. Reginald noticed and playfully walked away since he didn't want to spook Vaggie.
----
Charlie kept at it for an hour and easily left the dummy she was beating up a huge mess. She sighed with her mind still filled with gay thoughts. She grumbled and went to practice her shooting not knowing her crush was watching her from inside the house. “Towel m'lady?” Reginald came over after another hour holding up a small red towel.
Charlie sighed and took it gratefully, she wiped the back of her neck since her long blonde hair made it heat up a lot. “Sorry for the mess.” She replied sheepishly since due to her practice she left the backyard disheveled.
“No need to apologize, I'm just glad you're using the facility I've made.” The butler smiled as he walked past Charlie. He was at least a few inches shorter as his mistress was tall for her age. He smiled, remembering how the little princess was so small.
Reginald thought back to his time at the manor. He smiled when he thought of the first friendly grin he got from Charlie when she was little. He chuckled, cleaning up as more memories surfaced. Her giddy face when she went on a date with Seviathan since their fathers got them together, then her tears when the fuckwit broke her heart since he made her feel unwanted and ugly, and then the emo phase, what a sight that was. Reginald sighed as he tried to help her with the pain since her father seemed so distant with her as was her mother. He managed to coax her out of that phase as he reminded her of who she used to be.
He spotted Charlie in the present helping him with the chore. He smiled softly seeing that kind hearted girl he knew, however he couldn't help but feel saddened when he remembered how lonely she was. He sighed softly since for a time before the apocalypse happened he had been retired with his wife, which left the girl alone for several years as he wanted to take care of his family first. She understood but was still sad. However when the two were brought together again in this hellish world, he couldn't have been happier to return to her side. “M'lady you don't have to do this.” He replied though winced since his back was getting bad.
“Nonsense! Your back has been bothering you lately so this is the least I can do to help you Reginald.” Charlie replied seeing her butler rubbing a sore spot on his lower back.
“I blame myself for getting old.” He chuckled trying to make a joke. “You're too kind to an old fart like me.”
----
Vaggie blinked having gone inside the house as she looked from the window seeing them, she felt a soft twinge inside as the two reminded her of her family back home, and the old platoon she cared for despite what the general and his lieutenant did to her. She moved away from the window as a tear threatened to escape. “Wasn't I one of the best there was, so why did they betray me? All I did was spare some survivors from their raid…” Her mind drifted to that day.
----
“Hey Vaggie, check this out.” Adam smirked, pronouncing her name with a hard g. “A raider camp of filthy bastards prime for the picking. Shall we go see what we can find, eh Vagasaurus?”
“As long as I can test out this badass new machete, I'm good.” Lute replied, holding up what looked to be a thin bill hook blade.
Vaggie smiled at her two friends and then back at the squad of seven black and grey camo dressed soldiers, most being women. “Another set of raiders off the map is a good enough reason to me.”
Then it happened. The squad took down the ‘raider’ camp, which turned out to be innocent survivors who didn't pay Adam's ridiculous tax that made their area safe. Vaggie's stomach churned, seeing the glee the others took, taking down the small six man encampment. She spotted a woman and her child running into the Hellway and followed, not knowing Adam and Lute were behind her. “P-please mercy, we're not fighters at all!” The mother pleaded, holding her baby boy close.
Vaggie winced a bit, removing her grey camo helmet, which had a face mask painted to resemble a frowning demon. “I'm not here to hurt you, but you can't stay in here either. So run now, there's a miata three blocks down from here with half a tank of fuel left.” She ushered and watched the family bolt with a tearful thank you.
She sighed softly watching them go, but blinked hearing a bullet whizz past her head and nail the woman in the back. “What a bad thing you've just done…” A male voice spoke, making Vaggie's blood run cold. “Shame too, you were one of our best.”
“Stop!” She pointed her old military rifle at Adam. “Let the kid go now, or else a bullet goes through your fucking head!”
Adam laughed and shrugged, he did as asked so that Vaggie would drop her guard enough for Lute to swing that machete cutting both the old gun in half and her left eye in the process. “See I let the kid go since we're old friends. But now we got a problem, see?” His finger jabbed to the zombies approaching.
Lute grinned and turned Vaggie's face and carved out that eye causing the smaller woman to howl with pain and sent it flying for the zombies to catch the scent. “You'll be perfect zombie food since you caused this unnecessary commotion you little bitch.”
“Lute why..” Vaggie asked since Lute had been like family to her when she lost her own.
Adam laughed seeing Lute stomp on Vaggie's back. “Be sure to carve up those little wing tattoos on her back. I can't have anyone finding an exorcist dead.” He smirked as Lute was all too happy to tear up the mark of the Platoon making Vaggie suffer even more.
The two turned their backs to a wounded Vaggie, but she growled, refusing to die right there. She took her bowie knife and slashed the grey army bag off of Adam's back, and grabbed it swiftly when Lute ran out to start the Hummer. Adam, hearing only his loud laugh and zombie snarls, didn't notice it at all.
“He was always such a giant dumbass…” Vaggie huffed softly and soon used the radio in the back to call for aid.
-----
Vaggie shuddered coming back from her memories, she panted softly, her body trembling with cold sweat. “How am I still alive..” She muttered though quickly changed her demeanor when she heard the door.
“It's gotten dark out, but the clean up is done.” Reginald chuckled, retiring to his cot. “Good night ladies.”
“Night Reginald.” Charlie replied smiling. She soon lightly tugged at her shirt collar. “Man I'm sweaty, I think I'll go wash up.”
Vaggie blinked watching the blonde leave. She wanted to reach out but her hand stopped midway as her mind sneered at her. You've killed so many innocents, do you really think you deserve comfort? Those words sent a shudder down the brunette's spine.
---
Upstairs Charlie used a wet cloth to wipe herself down, water was getting scarce in the area, same with food as she sighed. “We might have to move soon.” She looked over the list of supplies. “Medicine is also low, and the report of increased zombie activity is worrying me.”
While Charlie looked over the notes and jotted down more in an empty notebook, Vaggie was sitting downstairs trying to keep her mind off of the horrible daydream-like memory. The brunette sighed, closing her right eye as the other one had been sealed shut due to the scarring. “Hmm?” She opened her eye to see the two border collies looking at her. “Hey boys..”
The pups saw that tired strained smile, Dazzle nudged his brother Razzle to go get Charlie while he soon laid down on the couch beside Vaggie, plopping his fluffy head on her lap.
Razzle barked in affirmation, and dashed upstairs making Charlie yelp. “Razzle, you scared me!” She sighed, placing a hand over her racing heart. “Why are you up here boy?”
Razzle tugged on her sleeve, asking her to follow him, which the blonde did out of curiosity.
Charlie's heart sank seeing the tired gaze Vaggie had as the brunette looked up hearing footsteps. “Are you ok?” She asked coming over to sit down beside her while Razzle laid on the floor. “Sorry for saying this but you look like shit.”
“I feel like shit..” Vaggie replied not even hiding it since she was a terrible liar.
Charlie looked at her dogs, she knew animals had a keener sense for when something was wrong. She then smiled softly and got up, making Dazzle move as well. “I think a good night sleep in a soft bed will fix that, for a whole month you've been on that couch!” The blonde explained then she gave a cute devilish smirk. “Up we go!”
This made Vaggie yelp as she was scooped up by the taller woman. “Hey! I don't mind the couch, honestly!”
“Nope, you're coming with me.” Charlie started to walk towards the stairs. “And I won't take no for an answer especially since you look exhausted!”
Vaggie was about to open her mouth but closed it with a soft grumble. She was soon plopped down on the big comfy bed. “Dios mio, you're so stubborn..”
“Someone has to be since you've been pushing yourself ever since you were able to walk two weeks ago!” Charlie replied and gave a cute pout. She soon climbed into bed and held Vaggie close making the brunette blush a bit. “Besides you're cold aren't you, I'm seriously like a furnace so this works out too.” She lightly nuzzled into Vaggie's hair trying to hide her own blush.
Vaggie never really had been this close to anyone, even back with her old group, everyone slept in shifts to keep an eye out for zombies, and raiders. She had taken it upon herself to repay Charlie back by being her own watch dog since her senses were used to it. “I guess…” The brunette muttered but couldn't ignore that pleasant apple scent and warmth that came from Charlie. It put her at ease as she leaned in lightly nuzzling those breasts.
This sent Charlie's mind into a bi-panic as her blush darkened as much as it could since she was like an albino. “Night Vaggie..” She smiled softly with her heartbeat quickening.
It felt so right to hold her, more than it ever did with her ex boyfriend as Charlie soon fell asleep hearing that soft reply. “Night Charlie…”
---
Somewhere in the early morning Charlie awoke slightly feeling a bit of fidgeting in her arms. The scent of lavender clued her in as to who it was. “Mmhn?” She opened an eyelid and looked down.
During their sleep, Charlie had moved from laying on her side to laying on her back taking Vaggie with her as she saw the smaller woman nuzzle closer into the crook of the blonde's neck. Her tired eyes stared at the beauty cradled in her arms with a dopey smile. “She sure is cute, even when asleep.” She muttered giving a soft kiss to Vaggie’s head. That sleepy motion instantly awoke Charlie who had an ‘oh fuck’ look. Relief went through her as she saw that Vaggie hadn't woken up. “Calm your lonely ass down girl..” She laid back on the pillow mentally kicking herself.
It was another hour before Vaggie would awoke with a soft groan and very cute yawn. “This isn't the couch..” She mumbled, blinking away her sleepiness. “Too cozy and warm..”
“Um thanks?” Charlie replied awkwardly as Vaggie blinked only to look down at the cheeky blonde. “Ack!” She backed up, moving to the foot of the bed making Charlie laugh.
“How long were you awake?!”
“An hour, I couldn't move you since you kinda just nuzzled into me?”
Hearing that Vaggie blushed and groaned, hiding her face with her hands. It was so awkward but a part of her was annoyed she left that cozy spot. “It's your fault for being a good pillow!”
“Why thank you.” Charlie kept that playful grin showing her teeth with slightly long canines. “How would you like to rate your sleep, Miss?” She teased.
Vaggie whacked her with a pillow making Charlie laugh and snort. She couldn't resist laughing along since that smile was infectious. “Jerk… But fine, it was honestly the best I've had alright?”
“The best huh?” Charlie smiled but then gave a softer look. “You do look a lot more refreshed. But if I may, why are you pushing yourself so hard every night to keep watch for zombies? Razzle and Dazzle plus the jingling cans we've set up are already doing that job for us so we can relax.” She asked, since she's seen the dark circles under Vaggie's eyes.
Vaggie shifted awkwardly, lightly playing with some of her hair since it had gotten a little longer than the short bob she had previously. “I used to be a watchdog for my previous group and it's just a habit by now. But if it helps protect you princesa then I don't mind being alone at night.”
Charlie puffed up her cheeks with a cute growl. “Well then break that habit please, you're not my personal guard Vaggie, you're my friend, best friend if I'm honest..” She replied poking Vaggie on the nose.
The brunette blinked, though a soft smile graced her lips. “I’ll try but no promise though. Never know when it could come in handy.” She chuckled but squeaked when Charlie brought her into a big hug.
Vaggie chuckled a bit and patted Charlie on the back, she however started to feel her stomach twist with guilt. However the taller woman moved back and got up with a grin, and started to move away from the bed. Vaggie watched her get ready but had to look away since when Charlie bent over, she got a nice view of that cute butt. “Fuck she's really cute.” She mumbled but couldn't help it as she looked back again seeing the light framing Charlie's figure.
“Thank you!” She cooed nuzzling Vaggie.
---
Though that was short lived as the dogs started barking. “M'lady! We've got a problem!” Reginald called, making Charlie pick up her Hawken rifle and dash downstairs followed by Vaggie with her shotgun.
“Shit, how did so many get past the cans?!” Charlie hissed seeing several zombies banging on their makeshift fence, she soon spotted why as the set up had fallen apart. “Great…”
“If we use our guns it'll draw even more, so let me handle this!” Vaggie growled then smirked, grabbing a harpoon off the wall. “Perfect..”
Reginald blinked seeing Vaggie easily jump onto the platform before the fence and started stabbing at swiping with reckless abandon. “That crazy girl…” He growled as one went for a bite on Vaggie, he had no choice but to shoot it with his pistol. “M'lady grab everything we can take, and get to the truck!” He shouted as Charlie nodded whistling for her dogs.
Vaggie danced around the grabs but stumbled as the platform crumbled. “Shit!” She tried to get back as a zombie with a huge gaping jaw and jagged teeth tried to bite her. “Get away from my granddaughters!” She heard Reginald roar and blasted the zombie in the head while pushing Vaggie behind him.
Charlie gulped but pushed her foot hard on the gas pedal making the truck rush forward as she ran over several. “Sorry!” She called hearing the crunch. “Now's not the time for that!” Vaggie replied watching the house disappear from view.
He was bitten on the forearm making Vaggie's eye go wide. “Reginald!” She yelled but watched as he fired his gun at the zombie and jumped down. “Don't worry, just run!” He pulled her along as the duo jumped into the truck. “DRIVE M'LADY!”
(Heyo! Hope you enjoyed my 5K word chapter ^^)
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Dc x dp (Harper x Valerie)
Valerie lifted her coffee cup to her lips mechanically only to sigh when nothing flowed through. This was the third cup of the day and she still felt ready to pass out.
She once again repeated to herself that this was for the greater good. 
“Valerie.” She could hear Vladimir Masters call.
For the greater good she reminded herself. Pasting a smile on her face, Valerie walked back to the hotel’s sofa where her employer was waiting. 
“Yes, Mr. Masters?”
“Get me some food. The plane’s meal was disgusting.”
“Right away, Mr. Masters.”
In moments like these she couldn’t help but wonder if this was really the only way to take Vlad down. Working as a personal assistant to find some non-ghost related dirt on the millionaire sounded thrilling in theory, but the practice was proving to be a nightmare.
She asked the lady at the front desk for some appetizers which arrived promptly. And after only a few minutes more of waiting the receptionist announced their rooms were ready.
"I have a brunch tomorrow with Robert, so tell the front desk to make a wake-up call for 8." Vlad said as they stepped into the elevator. "Also, call ahead at the store, you know the one, and make sure they have the cherimoya liqueur I ordered. Don't forget the flowers for Robert's wife."
"Yes, sir."
Vlad stepped off the elevator before turning towards her with a regretful face. "I cannot apologize enough for having to put you up in the Hamptons, there were just no more rooms here."
As if. This was clearly another way of showing off his money and power.
"It's no problem at all, Mr. Masters," said Valerie with a bright smile, playing dumb.
"I know the Hamptons is a ways away from the Orchards, but I'll still ask that you be here by 8:30 on the dot."
"Of course, sir. I'll be there!" Valerie said as the elevator closed on Vlad's kindhearted smile.
She was so sick of his benevolent act, especially since he also never missed an opportunity to make masked snide comments in the form of backhand compliments. It would've been chipping at her ego if she wasn't already aware of the absolute trash being that Vlad was and how little his opinion mattered.
She got her phone out to check where the Hamptons Hotel was and asked the front desk to call a taxi. As it dropped her off in front of a fairly old, but decent building, Valerie finally let out a sigh at the idea of getting to fall in bed soon. She checked in, took a shower and undid her luggage and by the time she was done, hunger was beating out exhaustion.
So, with a weary groan, she stoop up once again. Grabbing her handbag, she made sure her Fenton thermos and blasters were in it, just in case. With her phone and wallet, she stepped outside in search of food. She soon spotted a hotdog vendor and scarfed one down on one of Grant Park's bench. Valerie was sitting, comfortably full, watching the wind rustle the leaves on the tree when a flash of familiar green caught her eye.
In front of her was Cujo, wagging his tail at full tilt and his tongue sticking out.
"Shit," she uttered, before quickly looking around to make sure there was no one close enough to witness the green glowing dog. "Come here Cujo," she coaxed as she slowly dropped her hand in her bag to grab the thermos.
The dog let out a high-pitched yip, before taking a few steps in her direction. "Good boy," Valerie said. "Just a little closer, ok? Can you do that for me?"
Cujo took another step and she closed her hand on the thermos. Just as she was about to whip it out, there was a loud noise and the dog startled and in a second, he had already turned tail and started running away.
"No! Cujo, heel!" Valerie yelled, but it was no use. With a curse she set out after him, hoping that the dog wouldn't leave the park as it offered some sort of cover.
Judging by the absence of screams, Valerie was assuming nobody had seen him yet, but as this was Gotham, you never really knew. She managed to gain a bit on the dog when he started slowing down by one of the park benches, sniffing at one leg. She slowed down and got the thermos out ready to uncap it. Unfortunately, the dog probably had sniffed her out somehow because he turned to her, barked once and turned invisible. Luckily for Valerie, he was still tangible and still leaving imprints in the grass, so she took off after him following the imprints.
The game of cat and mouse lasted for a good ten minutes, and Cujo led them out of the park and up to the waterfront where she could only look on as the fading in-and-out-of-view dog started running on the water in the direction of the Narrows. Looking around desperately, Valerie spotted a bridge's entranceway about 500 feet away. She ran for it and started down the path, all the while keeping an eye on her right for a flash of green. Time passed and Valerie could feel a stitch starting in her side, but she finally made it to the other side, just in time to see Cujo step on land too. She was less than 100 feet from him, so she started running at full speed. He took a turn and Valerie was about to do the same when she collided hard with someone.
She fell back heavily on the ground and the thermos rolled away. As she lay there, trying to catch her breathe, she heard the person she'd barrelled in groan. Suddenly, super-aware she'd just charged right at someone at full speed, she rolled to her knees with a wince before turning towards them.
"I am so sorry!" Valerie said to the fallen form. "I wasn't looking where I was going, this is completely on me."
The person sat up and something in the back of Valerie's brain gave an appreciative hum. Then shaking it off, she got to her feet and offered a hand to the other girl.
"I'm Valerie, I am so sorry about this."
The girl squinted a bit, before taking the hand and pulling herself up. "I'm Harper," she said. "You really know how to knock a girl off her feet."
Valerie blushed "Oh, um, yes? I try not to do it very often."
"So, what you're saying is I'm special?" Harper said with a teasing smile, which had Valerie's blush worsening. "So, where were you running to so fast?"
"My friend's dog got loose" Valerie sighed, the colour in her cheeks dying out a bit as she picked up the thermos. "I saw him turn on this street, but I don't know where he went."
"That really sucks," Harper said with a frown. Then, her expression cleared up and she continued. "You know what, how about I give you a hand? I live here, so I know the area pretty well."
"Oh, no, you really don't have to," Valerie tried to refuse, not wanting Harper to see the glowing green dog.
"I insist," the other girl said with a winsome smile.
Valerie felt torn. She didn't want to be rude because on one hand there were no good reasons to turn down the offer, but on the other she really did not want the cute girl to see Cujo. As if to help her out of the dilemma, Harper's phone rang.
She took it out if her pocket and put it to her ear. "Hello? Oh, hey Cullen. Yeah, I'm on my way. What? You mean, right now? Yeah, ok, I'll be there right away."
She turned back towards Valerie with a regretful face. "I am so sorry, my brother needs me back right now."
"It's ok," Valerie reassured, feeling a mix of relieved and disappointed. "It's not the first time Cujo has run off, I'm pretty used to it."
Harper looked at her for a moment, before she took out a pen and a piece of paper out of her own bag and scribbled something on it.
"Here," she said. "It's my number. If anything happens, please don't hesitate to call me. The Narrows can get pretty dangerous, especially at night."
Valerie took the paper and put it in her bag.
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind," Valerie said before turning towards the other girl. "See you around Harper," she said with a smile.
"See you around Valerie," the other girl answered with a smile of her own. She waved goodbye and started walking the way Valerie had come.
Valerie let herself look at her departing figure for a moment, before shaking herself out of it. Right. She had to find Cujo before he could be seen by any civilians. Or worse, any of the bats.
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just-an-enby-lemon · 7 months
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I get Jack you're repressed and depressed now quit your job and stop being a dick.
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visndcaitswhore · 1 year
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Dick: Name a body part that starts with the letter 't'.
Harper : Titties, Dick. Favorite part.
Dick: WITHOUT HESITATION AND SHE SAW ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!
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bobparkhurst · 1 year
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festive ficlets: dec 18
prompts from @almost-a-class-act
pairing: don malarkey x dick winters [modern au]
prompt:  Character A is going home for the holidays but their family are insufferable so they ask Character B to pretend to be their fake romantic partner. (It's fake dating: seasonal edition!)
Winters - Dick - is leaning his hip against the wooden doorframe, one hand resting lightly on the small dog-gate, the other gesturing languidly with a small glass full of something spiced, as Don’s mother giggles and blushes like a schoolgirl through the door to the kitchen. He has already offered to help with the food twice and this is as close as she will allow him to get. His job, it seems, is only to carry food to the table and to be interrogated as to exactly why their Donnie has only just now brought such a delightful young man home.
“Well, ma’am,” Dick is saying, “I guess you can just blame me,” he glances over at Don and smiles warmly. “I’ve been told I can be a little private.”
“Good luck with that.” The words are accompanied by a loud snort, as Don’s sister suddenly appears through another doorway. She swaps Dick’s glass with one filled with something that looks distressingly bright blue. “Try this. It’s virgin, I swear.”
Don watches as his friend dutifully takes a sip and is pretty sure that his sister hasn’t noticed the slight wrinkle at the top of his nose. She waits, hand on hip, for the verdict.
“It’s very sweet,” Dick says. It is, Don reckons, as close as he’s going to come to telling her it’s gross and he hates it.
“Bit too much, right?” She trades the glasses again. “Stay there, I’m gonna figure it out.” She disappears back through the door she had come in from and the sound of glass clinking and clattering against metal rises behind her. There’s a slight wince in Dick’s shoulders at the noise and Don gives him a shrug, pointing to a dark stain in the corner of the carpet. “Last year,” he mouths. “Don’t worry.”
“You tell that girl to leave you be,” Don’s mother calls out. “Donnie, tell your sister to leave your young man alone.”
Your young man. The words trip so easily off her tongue that Don almost spits his beer back into the glass. He schools his features back into calm as quickly as he can, but there’s no hiding from Dick’s sharp eye. For the first time since they got here, a few hours ago, a frown pulls tight across his features. It’s enough to make Don’s heart pang remorse in his chest and he turns away as if he hasn’t noticed, making a show of examining the cards strung up over the unlit fireplace. He’d figured this might be awkward, as schemes launched in the casual company of old friends can sometimes be in full daylight scrutiny, as the guilt, the guilt he hadn’t expected. 
“Why the hell did he agree?” he mutters to a robin in a top hat. His finger flicks out and he pushes the card flat against the wall, before letting it spring back open. “Yeah,” he says to it, “you don’t know either, you stupid bird.”
It was Tab who had planted the idea. They’d been crowded around a table not quite large enough for the number of people who had shown up for this last-minute reunion, arms pressed against each other and empty glasses from plentiful drinks beginning to form a small mountain in the centre. This late in winter, they’d been lucky to find a table at all, but George had known a guy, who’d known a guy, and so here they were, and here Don was, head in hands, grimacing at the idea of going to see his parents for Christmas and suffering through another conversation about how lonely and single they seemed to think his life was.
“Just make it all up,” Tab was saying with a grin “Last year I just told them my girlfriend had to work. She’s a flight attendant.” He pointed at Don with his beer. “And fictional.”
“I thought you were seeing that girl Cait?” 
Tab shook his head. “I was. And Ruby. And Oliver.” He paused, pinching the bottom of his lip in thought. “Maybe Lexie at the time. None of them ‘take exactly home to the parents’ material, which as far as Mom’s concerned, means I’m not seeing anyone at all. Look, I’ve even got a picture.”
He tapped his phone and an image filled the screen.
“Tab.”
“Mm?”
“Is that a picture of me run through a female face filter?”
“Yes it is, Chuck. Yes it is.”
Don had slipped from the table before the ensuing argument could begin. 
When he’d returned from the washroom, he’d found Winters in his coat by the bar, ordering another round.
“Leaving?”
Winters had nodded. “Early start tomorrow.” He glanced back at the table. “And I think it’s going to get a little messy over there.”
“With any luck,” Don told him. He sighed a little. Drink had always made his tongue just that little bit too loose, and even in these early stages, he could feel closed gates falling open. “I’m glad to have one Christmas party where I don’t feel like I’m being measured up for something I can’t reach, you know?”
Even through the steaming heat of too many bodies in a small bar, Winters’ hand on his arm had been warm where it squeezed gentle comfort.
“You’re a good man, Don,” he said. “There’s nothing else to judge yourself against. I’m sure they know that.”
“Thanks, man.” 
The bartender had returned then, with two trays full of drinks that in no way was one man going to be able to carry on his own. The hand dropped from his arm as Winters picked one up.
“You ever get into it with your parents?” Don asked, taking the other. Winters shook his head.
“Wish I could help. My parents, they just don’t ask.”
If Don had been a little more sober, he would think later, he might have picked up on the spike of something hidden just behind the other man’s words, would have perhaps put his own self-pity to one side and dug just a little deeper. 
“If you really wanted to help,” he had joked instead, “you’d come home with me and pretend to be my boyfriend.”
“Okay.”
There had been no trace of insincerity on Winters’ face, though his lip half-curled into a smile. Don barked a laugh.
“Why not?” Winters added. “It’s not like I have anything to do except work. My folks aren’t expecting me home till New Year.”
“Okay.” There hadn’t been anything else Don’s brain had offered up for him to say.
“Okay.”
“You good?”
Don starts as Dick walks up behind him. He’s not quite sure how long he’s been standing here, pretending to read the insides of cards, but there’s another concoction in Dick’s hand, something bright green and very noticeably undrunk.
“Yeah,” Don says. He gestures back towards the kitchen. “You?”
“Well, I think your sister might be trying to kill me,” Dick says. “But your folks seem nice.”
“They like you,” Don says. The furrow between Dick’s brows is back, and his face has taken on that calm, assessing expression that had become so familiar once upon another lifetime ago. The flash of guilt is back, fluttering somewhere around Don’s ribcage.
“This was a mistake,” he blurts out. 
It is only when Dick takes a step back that he realises how close he had been standing, how low his voice had been, and how very little Don had matched that courtesy. They still for a moment, listening out, but there are still various clatterings coming from various rooms in the Malarkey household that suggest nobody has heard them.
“If you’re uncomfortable, I can leave,” Dick offers. There’s nothing Don wants to hear less. It’s been nice, he realises, having Dick around. It has been a long time since he’s seen him relax so openly, years, perhaps. Not since the before. For all the shame that is prickling through him right now, he doesn’t regret for a moment the man standing in his parents’ living room.
“It’s not that. You’re having fun,” he says; it takes a moment before he realises that he is patiently waiting for him to continue. “I’m having fun, they’re definitely having fun.”
The furrow deepens. “Then what’s the problem?”
The top-hatted robin is looking at him again. Dick’s eyes track his movements as Don turns the card face down. 
“You know, it looks easier in the movies,” Don says. “Lying.” His fingers tap against the upturned card. “Not lying. Forgetting that people get hurt when they find out you’ve lied to them. I didn’t think about that part before. Is that stupid?”
“You want to ‘fess up?”
Though Don looks, he can’t find any hint of condemnation in the question. The assessing expression is replaced on Dick’s features with something warmer, more affectionate, and Don can feel something of a weight beginning to lift off his shoulders.
“Come on,” Dick says. “Let’s see if your mother still likes me after this.”
His hand nestles in the crook of Don’s arm as he leads him towards the kitchen.
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It's new years EVE not new years STEVE
Gay kiss the girlies at midnight
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livingdeadvoid · 1 year
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Bruce: All my kids turned out gay, I don't understand it.
Dick:
Jason:
Tim:
Damian:
Clark, who was staying over there for the ninth night in a row: Yeah, I honestly have no clue.
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heart-bones · 9 months
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tell me how instead of drawing or writing or reading or doing anything at all on my day off, I laid in bed and scrolled on my phone
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thebibliosphere · 7 months
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From what I've seen, I think the Batkids would like your book.
Hunger Pangs? You flatter me.
But also, yes thank you for this particular strain on self-indulgent brain rot. I am going to be absolutely abnormal about this.
I’d like to imagine Dick picks it up at an airport somewhere on his way back from a trip and becomes hooked on the “clever, pretty, jumps-from balconies-for-the-thrill-of-the-fall vampire and goes, “oh, same.”
The fact that it’s got a rugged, soldiery werewolf with a heart of gold who enforces self-care as a form of kink-play is also doing stuff to his brain. (That’s a thing? He can… he can ask someone for that? Who does he ask for that? It’s been weeks since he slept more than a few hours and ate more than cereal for dinner. Seriously, who does he ask? How much is it? He’s got money. He’ll pay.) The uh, the need for validation and the budding praise kink is also hitting a little too close to home.
As is “all powerful witch with the power to pick you up with her mind and throw you around like a rag doll.” (LiStEN, he spent a large chunk of his formative years surrounded by tight spandex suits, villains with sexy mind control pollen and getting kidnapped and tied up every other week. It’s not his fault he’s Like This.)
He’s not mad about it, though.
*
Babs catches him re-reading it during downtime. She’s not even that interested, more asking what it is to be polite, but the way Dick jumps and turns red, like he didn’t even realize she was in the room is… intriguing.
“I can see why you like it,” she says, several days later, casually drinking her coffee while Dick stares straight ahead, willing the floor to open up and swallow him whole. “Magic, politics. Saving the world from certain doom with the power of knowledge and ecological preservation.” She glances sideways at him. “Vlad’s got some interesting quirks.”
“Shut up.”
“Are we sure you’ve not been compromised?”
“Babs, I mean it.”
“Mean what?” Tim appears in the kitchen as though from nowhere, pouring a red bull into the coffee pot.
No one tries to stop him.
“Dick’s reading a new book,” Babs says, ignoring the murderous look Dick sends her way.
“Oh? What book? Is it any good?”
“Uh, yeah, uh.” Dick rubs at the back of his neck, glaring daggers at Babs as she rolls out of the room, cackling. “It’s uh, romance. Kind of silly actually…”
“Oh?”
Dick nods. “It’s got a vampire and a werewolf. Two guys. And a… well she’s just sort of magic. They break into a library to save the world from ecological disaster. They’re all bi. Together. Or they will be in the next book. This one’s more about the vampire and the werewolf getting together. Um...”
Tim’s gone very still in the way he does when his brain has caught hold of something and he’s absolutely about to let it consume him. “Oh?”
“Yeah.” Dick shrugs. “It’s got some kink in it,” he warns, not wanting to expose his younger brother to something he’s not ready for. Which is ludicrous because he’s Robin. And from the way Tim’s not drinking his ‘coffee’ he can tell this is only going to go one way no matter what he says. He brightens, remembering something. “But there’s, like, a non smutty version too? Or a less smutty version, I guess? I don’t know, I haven’t read it yet. I could, we could go to the bookstore, maybe stop at the art store too…”
“I’ll meet you in the car.”
*
“So,” Jason says, and Dick can already tell where this is going by the shit-eating grin on his face. “Vampires, huh? Or is it more the werewolves you’re into?”
“Who told you?” Dick bemoans. “Was it Babs?” He bets it was Babs. Fucking Babs.
“Oh, no one told me anything Boy Wonder. Tim found out the author has a go-fund-me for some medical shit that exceeded his monthly allowance and he’s been harassing Bruce to “fix it” for several days now. He’s down in the cave making a nuisance of himself right now. Apparently he quote “needs more of the bisexual monster books Dick told him about” unquote, and the author can’t do shit if she up and fucking dies because this country’s a fucking for-profit shit hole.”
Dick places his head in his hands. “Oh, God. Is Bruce mad? He’s mad, isn’t he?”
Jason shrugs. “Couldn’t tell you. Last I heard, Tim was playing him the audiobook over the bat computer to make his case.”
Dick let’s his head thump against the table. This is it. This is his villain origin story. He’s going to run away and join the Rogues. Or maybe he’ll go back to the Circus. Either option is better than the idea of having to meet Bruce’s eye later over the dinner table.
“Personally, I thought the plot was a little weak but the characters are compelling,” Jason says, sipping his herbal tea. “I liked the chill necromancer doctor. I feel like he’d be able to fix me.”
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