#did this instead of schoolwork please dont tell my teacher

[edelwary]

when you were first getting into art, what and how did you draw? (like did you just doodle ur masterpieces on pieces of paper and posted-notes or did you have a proper sketchbook) how did you find motivation? bc ive been trying to draw but I always get unmotivated and stop while still wanting to get better just by doing nothing.

REALLY LONG, LOTS OF ADVICES FOR ARTISTS : 

TL;DR ; skip to the HOW TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DRAW part bc i have a megaton of shit to say lol + The MOTIVATION part 

mmh… I’ll get into details with this one tbh bc it’s a long ass process ahah : 

I live by the sea ; when i was youung i used to draw TONS of boat, but like, dollhouse boats, you could see the insides and stuff ; i loved to add tiny details and stuff, and imbricate everything together !

around 8 or 9 yo, i went to the public library with school and discovered the wonderful world of mangas ! I basically… Copy pasted an entire Mermaid Melody tome x) 

For about 2 years i alternated between reading mangas and trying to copy them ! Then i just kept drawing in the margins of my schoolwork for about… 5 years ! I have a Fuck Ton of sketchbooks of that time, it was… The start. Lol. Never say it’s bad because it’s never bad, just not there yet !!

Around my 13 yo, i went every saturday, for two years, under a bookstore ; there was a cave, and drawing classes ; that teacher was mean and harsh and stuff, but like… Not really. He would take away my eraser for the class, force me to use pencil, to draw something else (bulky boys instead of magical girls). 

I’ve learned a lot, more in terms of How To LEARN to draw than to draw itself, but i still progressed a LOT !! 

Then i kept drawing by myself for a year and i really worked hard on it ; about hours a day, trying watercolors and stuff ; i have a real problem with colors in traditionnal art, but i’m much better with lines (i should scan some RAD stuff i made in the weekend, yall ive never done anything this good i stg i dont know why i always forget im so much better on paper) 

This gets us to my sweet 16 ; i have to year of advance, bc i got ‘’’promoted’’’ idk how to say it ; anyways, i entered my (current) animation school for the first year at 16; vERY IMPRESSIVE AND TERRIFYING. 

And i learned. A fuckmegaton. Of shit there. 

Now i’m going for my third year there and i can make photorealistic marmora blades and cyberkpunk decors if i want to and that’s rad, but here is

 HOW TO ACTUALLY FUCKING DRAW : 

I have one HYPER important advice, and i’m keeping it to heart since i’m like, 11 : Have. Sketchbooks. Please !!! It’s very important. Here’s why : 

You keep everything with you in one place. You have 1 sketchbook, it’s basically easy to take every where (a A5, or A4 are pretty easy to carry, i have like, 12 of those, and around 8 of A3) 

You keep track of what you’ve done. It’s super important, bc first you can cry of laughter at your old stuff bc its cute but not so good, and second, you can just be like ‘holy mama’ and see how much you’ve improved

It’s very important to be organized. I WORK in art, and trust me, if there’s something that i’ve learned this year through tears and missing files and bugs : Be. Impeccable. Now if it’s for fun, go a little loose, and just have a folder for art on your computer, and a sketchbook, no need to stress, but the better you try to keep a record of where is what, the better you’ll see whats wrong

Notebooks are friends !! You can draw, write, glue stuff, make notes, lists, everything !!! I have my life in those. It’s more important to me than any of my phones. 

Be proud of it. Like, not everything, duh ! But try to tell yourself than it’s like a RPG ; even if it’s only 2 xp here and there, one day you’ll beat level 40, and that’s super important : art is. Fuckin. Long.

I cant stress it enough. It’s soooo long !!! SO LONG !! it’s years. It’s like karate and fishing and ANYTHING. To be good at it, it takes time, but it WILL COME if you keep trying. There’s no secret passage. 

You’re gonna me it, believe in me who believes in you. 

Use. References. 

Coming from a little shit who’s got a really good visual memory, that can sound like bs, but i stg everything is always AT LEAST twice as good if you’ve used a visual support. 

I’m not saying COPY EVRYTHING (even though thats a good training) I’m saying, if you really want to do that asian tiger, please have at least two or three pictures of it nearby. Take photos of your hands, and stuff ! 

Make it harder. 

No eraser. 

Paint. 

I draw all my backgrounds on my sketchbook with INDIAN INK; no returns, no refunds. 

Ink, Ink, INK !! Don’t allow mistakes.

And if you make mistakes :

New page, restart

It’s okay

It’s for you

I once started back again a whole EXAM bc it was bad, i got one of my best grades 

You’ll improve and be more assured if you know you just have to DO IT. Trust me. It’s VISIBLE; if you can erase, you fidget and hesitate and ‘’kbeujebez hahhaaa idkkidsd’’ ; stop ; do it, and if you don’t like it ? Try again, there’s no time limit

Draw as large as you can 

There’s no interesting story here, it just helps. Bigger movement of the hand, more place for details, breathing lines

Thin lineart helps

Thinner. Make it even thinner

Break the rules, but not the ones that structure your art 

Big lineart ? Why not

Unfinished lines, vaporeous colors ? Pretty

Cubism is actually based on extensive and intense practice of classical art, it’s not wibbly wooblly ; the anatomy is more correct than you think 

Structure and composition are important, but so is movement and life ; choose your fighter ; mine is fluidity and fun, i’m like, a rogue/archer in drawing. Some people are dwarf fighter. That’s amazing and great. 

Don’t be afraid to do nothing

Pages and pages of my sketchbooks are actually just lance facing right and smiling, you know… 

Sometimes it just doesnt work : two ways :

Take a break, Kiki’s delivery service style

Keep trying, break your art until it obeys and comes back

Take breaks. Breath. 

Don’t compare. I do it, it doesn’t help at all. You’ll make it ; and if you compare, keep in mind that everyone’s different

I’m not gonna lie, it’s NOT easy, it’s even hard 

But I really, really think it’s worth it 

MOTIVATION :

My main bitch 

I’m always pumped for art because i can LITTERALLY NOT do anything else ; i love reading and writing and stuff but at the end of the day i just want !!! to draw !!!! aaaaaa-

Fall in love with it, and with the possibilities ; i have stories to tell, tell me yours ! Do your best, one day it WILL work

Actual advices : 

I have an inspiration blog where i just reblogs stuff i like to draw them later

Find a picture, copy it. Do it again. Change the characters (i have 2 ocs and Lance and Keith as default characters) in the pic. 

Like an artstyle ? Break it to its very core, analyse it, copy it, redo it, trace it and ABSORB it. Don’t copy/past, LEARN from your heroes.

Do what you like. I have 86578 pieces of voltron, this is not a coincidence. I have ENDLESS ideas for this show, wtf. 

Try new things. Buy indian ink im begging you. It’s so cool. 

Have a game with yourself, or a challenge. STICK TO IT. 

Study. When you’re bored, usually it’s because you’re stagnating. Make it harder or do hands until you cry. 

Love your backgrounds; make backgrounds, study trees, and tokyo streets, and venice’s bridges. Decor is just as cool as characters, if not more

Mess a little with everything. My roomate more than one found me stained from head to toes trying to DO STUFF 

Draw outfits. Draw what you want but can’t afford 

MAKE YOUR LIFE A COMIC. Remember those sketchbooks ? Make a comic a week/month/every full moon, whatever, and draw your life (mine’s the roomates au lol) 

Prompts blogs are cool too 

Make fanart of a fic you liked ; you have the characters and the pose already, you just have to illustrate ; double bonus, you probably will make a writer’s day, if not year !

That little movie that plays when you listen to your favorite song ? DRAW IT

Your favorite scene in your favorite movie ? Redraw each shot. On post it. Plus it looks awesome afterwards to have the infamous TREX scene of Jurassic Parks in post it

Get bored. That’s inevitable. Dance, scream, get back to it. Walk, draw everything you see. 

Make a paper google map street view : Take a walk : every 50 meters, draw what is in front of you. 

Snapchats your friends. Draw their snapchats when they answer 

Draw maps. Invent places. Invent bikes, and hovercrafts, and monsters. Make your everyday inventory. Make your life a video game, and do the concept arts of it. 

FETCH your inspiration. I have approx. 20 artbooks, full of drawings and concept arts of my fave movies/games ; take what you like and add it to the story you have since you’re 8. We all have one. 

Ask for it ; your sis, your mom, me even ! If you dont have ideas, someone will have them. 

WELL i’m gonna stop there, even though i got like, 9864567 more to say, but with this you should be fine ! Anon, i’m rooting for you ! we all start somewhere, just hold on!!!! 

#Anon you'll do it !!!!!!!!!! #asked #artist advice #art #i put my heart in this omg #it's 1.5 K WORDS #wtf #but yeah #you just gotta do shit and mess around

[ask-svt-hearteu]

Hogwarts! Vernon

@hellonanibear requested: "hi loves :-) I was wondering if I could request a Hogwarts!AU with Vernon please?? I'm a real big Harry Potter fan (Ravenclaw Pride tbh) but I noticed you guys don't have one for him yet and I'd like to request one please since your Hogwarts!AUs are some of the best I've read! ☺️💙"

admin note: Tysm lovely hope you enjoy! <3

so Hansol’s a second year Gryffindor

half-blood

he has a little sister too who he loves and tries showing her magic despite not knowing too much about it himself

was shook the whole time though

from buying his books and getting picked by his wand

and asks his mom everything she can remember about Hogwarts

so he can imagine it himself

sorted into Gryffindor

which can be entertaining

bc the guy gets scared of really weird and random things sometimes

would jump at the sound of his own laughter probably tbh

things like spiders and bugs //COUGH COUGH RONALD WEASLEY TYPE//

but don’t ever think he doesn’t have enough bravery to be in Gryffindor

he will take on anything and anyone for his friends

like how someone accidentally casted Seungkwan's wand on the roof by a stray spell

dead af climbed hundreds of feet above

no broomstick or anything

just to get it back

his best friend is Seungkwan, second year hufflepuff of course

honestly what a duo they are

Vernon was sitting by himself in a carriage on the Hogwarts express his first year

minding his own business, looking out the windows in awe at the landscape speeding by

and Seungkwan runs into the carriage with his robes

ON FIRE

bc boo diva thought he could show off some A+ magic to make some friends

at least he tried?

things didn’t go as planned obviously

and Hansol being the ever calm and collected person he was

wasn’t screaming or anything lmao

dumped his water bottle

BUT NOT ON THE FREAKING FIRE BC WHY WOULD HE BE SENSIBLE AND DO THAT

no he dumped it on Seungkwan’s head

mostly by accident

but uh yea SEUNGKWAN IS STILL ON FIRE

and Joshua and Seungcheol see the smoke and run in on the two first years panicking and screaming

like “DON'T YOU CHILDREN KNOW FIRE IS DANGEROUS?!?!”

and they help put out the fire

and honestly find the kids endearing enough to invite them to sit with them

starting the iconic 13 member friend group that everyone in Hogwarts knows

and Verkwan’s friendship was literally born out of burnt robes ashes :,,,)) 

“So you got a name?” Seungkwan asked, sassy as always

“Hansol, but everyone calls me Vernon.”

“I’m Seungkwan.”

“Really I thought your name was ‘boy on fire’.”

“You’re funny, wanna be friends?”

“Sure.”

“You’re my puppy now.”

man these two started out the same height

but imagine how surprised Seungkwan got when throughout the year,

Hansol outgrew him by a few centimeters

were pretty devastated when they weren’t sorted into the same houses

“I’ll grab the talking hat you distract the teachers.”

"We can hang out in your dormitory every other day"

and so they hang out all the time

because if Hansol is left to wonder around, he might just walk off the castle grounds and get lost

would walk around thinking about stuff by himself

and fall into the lake or something

and everyone would be panicking EXCEPT FOR HIM

trying to figure out how to get him to swim back to shore

so he and Seungkwan walk together around a lot

claiming a corner of the campus for themselves

and all the prefects know Hansol by hair color or just general outline

and everyone in their friend group looks out for them because they’re the youngest

even Chan who’s younger than the both of them by a year

he takes care of the two of them too because he's pretty mature

they get in trouble a lot when they’re together

detention for hexing papers to fly everywhere in charms

and when they found out Seungcheol and Joshua were their prefects after coming back from summer break

didn’t make things easier for them at all

“I SWEAR HANSOL DONT PLAY WITH THE FIREPLACE, I DONT WANNA BURN DOWN THE COMMON ROOM.”

"Whatchu going to do daaaaaad give me detention?"

"Yea."

"Oh, sorry...? I love you? PLEASE I DON'T WANT DETENTION HYUNG!"

no one really calls him Hansol too much

except for his friend group

honestly this is so confusing to everyone when Seungkwan comes bounding up to him in the halls yelling in a singsongy voice “HAAAANNNSSSSOOOOLL~~~~”

“Why is he calling Vernon, Hansol?”

but that just shows who really knows him

even the teachers call him Vernon

Verkwan is such a troublesome friendship

always breaking the rules to sit together

but that whole group always does that

or sneaking out after curfew

and doing who knows what

there's always a classroom that has all the desks bewitched to spout out confetti or glitter the next day but no one has solid evidence so Verkwan hasn't been caught yet

can’t even split them up by separating them across the classroom

would end up sending notes back and forth

at some point the teachers gave up

and made the both of them announcers for quidditch matches

thinking that might calm them down when they’re together and using their energy towards something productive

honestly so biased though

each one will cheer for their friends only

“MINGYU-HYUNG BLOCKED IT IN YOUR FACES”

“JUN-HYUNG CATCHES THE SNITCH AND WINS IT AGAIN AS EXPECTED”

“JIHOON STOP SMOOCHING YOUR GF AND JUST WIN ALREADY- OW sorry professor!”

Hansol rapping the scores for the whole stadium

and everyone either loves it

or doesn’t say anything unless you want 12 other guys coming after you

wands drawn

despite being a kid who causes a lot of trouble

and doesn’t seem to study whatsoever

he does pretty decently in most of his classes

best class is care of magical creatures

but tbh doesn't really study

and again manages to pass stuff

but doesn't enter the library unless he wants to bother Joshua, Wonwoo, or one of his other hyungs about something

really laid back and chill, doesn't stress over schoolwork that much

he doesn’t mess up too often either MOSTLY

but when he does, he does it spectacularly

generally involving colorful explosions and fire

has a pet cat named Mr. Chwe

but Hansol just calls him Chewy

it’s the cutest fluffiest thing you’ve ever seen

besides Hansol of course

it's silver fur is honestly so pretty and Hansol loves it to death

anyway

one day you were looking for your owl, Cara

because you wanted to send a letter home

when a silver kitty passed in front of you outside

"Hey there!" you bent down to stroke its fur for a bit and it purred while laying on the ground in front of you

"Chewy!" you looked up as surprise, surprise

Vernon ran up to Chewy

and basically stopped dead in his tracks

because you're pretty DON'T DENY IT

and Vernon be shooketh

awkward human bean

someone protect him TT

and he kind of just stammers his introduction

which you think is really cute

"Hi, I-I-I'm Vernon."

and you giggle a bit bc DAMN VERNON IS REALLY CUTE LIKE YOU THOUGHT THE CHEWY WAS CUTE BUT OMFG

and he smiles because you laughing is really cute

"Chewy is it?" you smile asking him

"Yea!" and you watch as Vernon's face basically lights up as he starts telling you about how he got his cat

and you find out he's in the same year as you

which is surprising because you're familiar with his friend group

everyone at Hogwarts knows them

and you always kind of thought he was older than you

you're a ravenclaw yourself so you run into Chan sometimes

and Vernon goes on really excitedly telling you about Chewy's life story

how Chewy had basically eaten some chocolate Vernon had dropped in diagon alley

and how it got sick

and Vernon felt awful and just had to figure out how to make it feel better

until he found out the heartbreaking news of Chewy not having a family

and he basically begged his parents for days to keep Chewy will secretly hiding Chewy in his trunk

no one really knows how he did it though don't ask one of the older kids they'll claim to know no magic that can fix that cough cough liars they had to help Hansol ok? no one could say no

and you stand there just taking it all in

how Vernon was willing to go on and on about his pet to some stranger

and you were all for it tbh

and perfect timing

right as Vernon finishes his story, your owl Cara flies down from her roost to land on your shoulders

Cara is a beautiful amber color and you smile as Vernon kind of just stares at Cara in awe

"WOW IS THAT YOUR OWL, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL."

"It is," you laugh, "Cara and I go way back."

and he just stares at you waiting for you to explain the story

and so you tell him and you both laugh at the varying adventures that you tell each other about your pets

and you both also realize you had care of magical creatures together

and you both really love animals and just never talked before

and Cara and Chewy are just following you and Vernon

Chewy following Cara with his eyes

and Cara being like "Have you never seen an owl before, you cat?"

and when you both leave

you feel all warm inside because you made a friend

or someone you really liked who knows

the next few weeks really zoom by

you talk to Vernon in care of magical creatures more now

and even Seungkwan can't help but feel like you're encroaching on his best friend

"Y/n, I know you might not know me, but since you're friends with Hansol, you have to be friends with me."

"Hansol?"

"Yea that's his real name, did he not tell you?"

"Hmm, I guess not, he said his name is Vernon."

and you're kind of like ???

because did he not consider you a close enough friend to call him by his real name?

but also why does it bother you? Vernon was just a friend... right?

and so obviously

when feelings get confusing

you're just like welp instead of working this confusion out I'm just going to pretend like they don't exist

even if you stare at Hansol a bit too long during care of magical creatures

and he always comes up to talk to you about homework help and stuff since you're in Ravenclaw

and in the same year

and all the hyungs take notice

"Hey you're Hansol's friend huh?"

"He usually doesn't even try doing his homework but lately he's actually been doing stuff."

"Oh you're that person that got Hansol doing his homework, wow thank you what did you promise him chocolate for life?"

and it's overwhelming but you find yourself having twelve new friends

bc you're friends with Hansol

and one day

"Hey Vernon! Do you wanna go work on that potions paper together?"

"Sure y/n! But uhhhh.... you can call me Hansol, it's my real name haha." he blushes but you don't notice

"Why do you go by Vernon then?"

"It's just what a lot of people know me as and I stopped correcting them, and only my really close friends call me that."

you feel your heart swelling

"Ok,,,, Hansol."

man the smile on his face when you said that

in the next few weeks you guys hang out more to do study sessions for upcoming exams

and one day when you're sitting at the windowsill of an empty classroom

Cara flies in through the open window landing beside you

carrying papers in her claw

"Cara, are you stealing people's notes again?" you laugh picking up the sheet to read it

and written at the top

"Vernon"

you're almost screaming because wow what a coincidence

"Cara, this is Hansol's" you frown

and you look at some of his doodles on the scroll of paper

and you see little heart doodles

around initials you can't really read because the ink smeared

but the meaning seemed pretty clear

he must have a crush on someone

you found yourself a bit sad

since that was Hansol's business and not really any of yours

but

you had to admit your feelings for him weren't all that straight forward and clear cut as they seemed

you sighed but continued working

the least of your worries, a silly crush on a boy who didn't like you

and the next few weeks, Cara kept bringing you Hansol's stuff

once it was a chocolate frog

and another time it was a little folded paper star with his initials on one side and a little heart

it's like your owl was trying to play matchmaker for you two

"He probably doesn't like me" you giggle when Cara dropped another one of Hansol's things in front of you

this one was a really pretty pale blue colored quill

"He might actually need this ya know."

and eventually you have a whole shoebox of random stuff Cara stole from Vernon

and you're like 'I have to return them at some point'

until Cara drops a card I front of you

and you're like ??? did you steal from Vernon again???

and on the card is a simple "Thanks to you I did pretty well on my exams, thanks for everything~ Hansol"

and you laugh as you read the post script

"PS I asked Cara to deliver it especially since she always hangs around my dormitory window"

"Awww Hansol, I'm sorry, Cara's been taking your stuff." you say to yourself laughing

"Cara, you're such a troublemaker." you gently pet her wing

and Cara sares at you like 'please just watch what happens'

and your amber owl is riiiiiiiigggghhhhhtttttttt

you gather up the shoebox with missing items to return to Hansol

and when he sees you he comes bounding right up with a huge smile on his face

until it sees the stuff in the box

and his face falls

"Hey Hansol."

"Hey y/n"

"Cara kept taking your stuff, so I came to give it back." you smile raising up the box

"About that......." Hansol starts blushing

"You see, at first I noticed Cara taking my stuff" Hansol started not meeting your eyes

"but after a bit, I ended up just giving her stuff, thinking she'd give it to you."

"Why would you do that?" you giggle blushing as well

"Well stuff like the chocolate frog, I wanted to share with you and I saw the quill in hogsmeade and it reminded me of you bc it was pretty and you're really pretty...."

you freeze blushing like crazy

"pretty..... PRETTY COOL AND YEA I LIKE YOU SO."

you're standing shocked

"And so I gave it to Cara because I thought you'd like it. So all that stuff's yours not mine, you can keep it." he smiles at you and playfully ruffles your hair

his hand lingering on your head as he pushes a stray lock of your hair back behind your ear

"I mean, if you don't like me that's ok, I just didn't want to lose one of my closest friends and best tutor ever" he smiled sheepishly

"No Hansol, I..."

his eyes met yours

"I like you lots too." you giggle

and it's that cute giggle that reminds his of when her first saw you

and he's so relieved he finally told you

that he just gives you a hug right then and there

"Yeeeeeeeeeessssss be mine then." he says not letting you go

"Haha of course." and you feel your cheeks burning

and the moment is just too cute and perfect

until Seungkwan notices you two

and basically yells

"HANSOL, Y/N, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!?!?!?"

and from then on it's official

"Honestly, she's such a good influence making him do his homework and stuff" proud prefect Seungcheol

you two are the cutest ever

walking around campus with Cara and Chewy

tbh Chewy and Cara are like the bestest friends

and Seungkwan just being lowkey jealous that you're taking all Hansol's attention

"He was my friend first!!!"

but he thinks you guys are hella cute too

how could he not

you and Vernon sitting together for meals, only having dessert and getting into food fights

bc how could you let whip cream just sit on top of your pumpkin pie without smearing some on his face

before he gets you back with the frosting off cupcakes

and it's a big mess

and he grabs napkins and helps you wipe your face

one hand on your cheek as he leans down to kiss your cheek

"Hey!" you giggle

"Sorry not sorry!" Seungkwan making barfing gestures behind the two of you lmao forever third wheeling

him making you sit next to him when he wants to sit outside

just so he can lay his lead in your lap

and drift off while you're reading a book for some assignment

and you get a bit distracted every time he moves because he's so freaking adorable

and you end up just watching him nap

until he peeks open an eye surprising you

and quick as a cat

sits up to peck you on the cheek

"For a Ravenclaw, you aren't fast enough to pick up when someone's fake sleeping"

"Oh please Hansol, those snores from you were so real." you laugh

"Maybe, maybe not"

and he takes your hand in his and looks you straight in before pressing his lips against yours

and you smile at how beautiful and surreal it all feels

"Don't think I'll ever get over how pretty you are." he says tilting his face to the side a bit giving you a cute look

"Please Hansol lol."

"I'm not joking though!"

he holds onto your arm as he lays back down on your lap and looks up at you

"You're prettier than Chewy." he grinned slyly

"DID YOU JUST COMPARE ME TO YOUR CAT HANSOL?"

The Seventeen Hogwarts AU Series:

| S.coups | Jeonghan | Joshua | Jun | Hoshi | Wonwoo | Woozi | DK | Mingyu | Minghao | Seungkwan | Vernon | Dino |

MASTERLIST

#ask seventeen #ask svt #ask svt heaarteu #requested #hansol #chwe hansol #vernon #svt #seventeen #svt 17 #17 #pledis 17 #hansol scenarios #vernon scenarios #hansol imagines #vernon imagines #Hogwarts hansol #Gryffindor vernon #svt Hogwarts au #kpop scenarios #seventeen scenarios #svt scenarios #kpop #kpop idols #kpop imagines #kpop aus #svt vernon #reader insert #ravenclaw reader #Vernon Hogwarts au

[semenguine]

it’s 2:31am and i’m in my first year of university and my fourth or fifth month of eden and watching the minutes melt away. eden’s not home yet and i’m lonely. i have been posing prettily on the air mattress for some time, waiting to surprise her. i remember running my fingers over the mattress and feeling quite melodramatically that i am being neglected.

at last i hear the click of the lock as the door opens. 2:57am. it’s almost 3am. i remember my irritation at how long she’s been keeping me, but then i hear her keys jingle once. twice. i know something’s wrong, they’re moving so slow and she usually moves so quickly. i don’t bother to put my clothes back on, filled with an inexplicable urgency. 

i am right. she has been twisted up and mangled. i gasp at the sight of her blood. what’s all of this, i say. she closes the door, locks it back. turns. the look on her face is blank and emotionless. she doesn’t answer, just wipes the blood away from her nose as much as she can. one of her eyes is swelling fast. her knuckles are scratched. they will bruise. did you get in a fight? i say.

yeah, she says this gruffly. i move to take her coat and she tears herself away from me a little bit, turning. she takes it off herself and lets it fall to the floor. her keys drop too. over what, i say. she looks irritated. over what? i press, louder. her eyes flare at me. she moves, and winces, and is making her way over to the bathroom, all slow and pained.

i’d never seen her beat up as bad as that before. i soak a clean dishcloth in some cool water and follow her. i slam the toilet seat down- i’ll deal with it sierra, she’s saying. i ignore her completely, wholly, totally. i force her down on the toilet seat and start cleaning up her injuries. she winces and cringes and sucks her breath in between her teeth.

what was this about, i demand. shut up sierra, she says. she glares at me resentfully. i shake my head at her and her silly stupid temper. you’re always getting into these fights for no reason, i begin angrily, she doesn’t let me finish. i was at this party, she says heatedly. and this guy started saying shit about you. you don’t need to know what it was, i just got mad and i took a swing at him because i always- but. she scowls then. it went south, she finishes shortly. she hisses as i dab at a long scratch on her arm. what’s this, then, i probe.

doesn’t cut his fucking fingernails, she says. that’s what. i frown at her with disapproval. you’re witholding, i say. she shrugs. after a while i finish. the towel is blood soaked but she’s clean now. tenderly i put bandaids over what i can. i put some ice in a plastic baggie for her eye. were you waiting for me, she addresses finally, gently snapping the waistband of my panties against my hip. i was, i say. i know i’m uglier than i was when i left, she jokes. im not sexy anymore, huh?

you’re telling lies, i say. i angrily move to the mattress and take my bra off, pulling the blankets over myself. i’m not, she says. you are, i say, i turn away from her. she sits herself down next to me. it’s just stupid details, she says tenderly. he was talking crap. does it matter what he said? the point is i blew up and he was stronger than i was and he beat the shit outta me. i kinda had it coming. i glare at her and turn back over.

look, maybe i don’t wanna talk about it right now, she says. say that then, i say. she stares at me. you’re being so difficult, she starts. properly incited, i utter asshole! and i tell her im going to go home. what, don’t, she says. it’s late anyway. and something in her voice makes me stay. 

she lies down and wraps her arms around me. i’m sorry, she whispers. i don’t say anything. i put my hands over her hands and stare at the wall. i don’t want- she falters, and is silent for a while. i’m starting to fall asleep when she talks again. they were calling you a slut and stuff and i know you said you didn’t care so i ignored it- then he said i was- that you weren’t- that you couldn’t love... y’know. a dyke like me and that he knew because you told him that when you were sucking his dick last night and i knew it wasn’t true and that i shouldn’t do it but i got so mad and i took a swing at him, she blurts out. and i think i really got him. but i left the party and him and some of his dumb friends fucking jumped me, she states. that’s what i get for going to parties off campus i guess and they beat the hell out of me and. 

and she stops.

and what, i turn my head. every muscle in her body is tense. eden, my voice drops and so does my heart. they didn’t get anywhere with it, she says instead, quickly. it’s an easier sentence to say than the other one. my wenis freaked them out and they called me a freak and left. it’s not- 

eden, i say. it’s not really a big deal, eden, i didn’t even want to, eden, i wasn’t going to tell you because, eden, i knew you’d flip out like, eden, it’s not even, eden, and then a gasp, this quiet gasping sound and i look up at her and she’s crying, sucking this breath in through her teeth and shaking. it didn’t go anywhere, she sobs. i wasn’t gonna say anything.

you have to tell me, you have to tell me, i say it again and again and again. my heart is pounding in my chest. i’m fucking terrified. the room seems somehow smaller than it is. don’t hide it. she’s still crying. i hold her. i hold her so damn tight my hands ache and my face scrunches and i cry too and that’s the moment i decide i dont want to confine myself to a loveless marriage to a man who will beat me and let me waste away at home. i decide i want this. i don’t know what possesses me. what makes me. some instinctual feeling from those who came before me or something else entirely.

she always called herself butch but i was simply gay or a lesbian if i was feeling up to it. i slept with so many men it never usually came up. always the worst men. the ones who did bad things to girls at parties, the ones with awful tempers and certain feelings about women. i couldn’t ever love them but every single whore and bitch thrown my way, every time a hand made contact with my cheek, or a fist with my ribs, every push and shove, every time i was ignored, every time i was silenced and taken as it pleased them i felt something so close for them that it might as well have been. 

it felt so good. it’s sick but it felt so good. and i spent all my time cutting and crying. i did my best to do my schoolwork and i did my teachers if i could when it wasn’t enough. i loathed myself. every single last bit of me i hated and it was wonderful. every time my scientists called me to check in and i told them i was great. i didn’t have anything to live for. i don’t really know what i was still living for. 

but after that day i started trying on the word femme. it felt good so i kept it. i don’t have to patch her up anymore, not like i used to. but sometimes i still have to make sure the stitches are holding together. 

#neut