#didn’t truly ~come out~ as queer to anyone i just started talking about girls and let people fill in the gaps
Note
I have a problem Cas… I think im in love.
Okay so, there’s this girl. We’ve been best friends like 5 years. I mean i’ve always- okay I don’t know how to explain this.
I’m basically a fan-fiction come to fucking life.
So i’m Demisexual, and last year I decided to come out to my family. I don’t know if other Demi ppl have preferences of gender, but I don’t. Honestly labels confuse me. I’m not sure if technically i’m Biromantic and Demisexual but hey, the point is- and what I explained to my family- that i’d be open to dating anyone.
Basically i was telling them I wasn’t straight. (Obviously Demisexual is also about sexual activities and people and stuff but I wasn’t gonna try and explain to my parents that I don’t really get attracted to random ppl- cause they don’t get it- and I didn’t want to accidentally start talking abt sex).
So anyway, they were not happy. Have you watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine? There’s this clip where the character Rosa comes out as Bi and her parents are like “That’s okay, since you can still date a man and marry a man and be normal” and they were like that for me (i’m a girl in case that wasn’t obvious- so they wanted me to date a man).
And I didn’t really care to be honest. I had an equal level of straight friends to queer friends, I felt suitably in both worlds. I truly love my family. They’ve always been good to me. But they did imply if I did end up with a girl, they wouldn’t want to meet/know her.
Not to mention the religious trauma. I spent a shit ton of time listening to ppl tell me that same-sex marriage and relationships are a “sin”. Hell- there was this one rlly lovely women at church when I was like 9, but she got kicked out when they congregation found out she was a lesbian. (Okay- not kicked out but like bullied into leaving).
So it was fine for me to accept that I could potentially date a women since i’ve never felt immediate attraction to anyone, it never felt totally real.
BUT NOW I HAVE A PROBLEM. So my best friend (who is also a girl) of 5 years. She’s amazing. She’s literally the funniest person i’ve ever met, she’s so generous and has helped me so much, and she’s just adorable. She’s like fucking sunshine. And ngl, I don’t often like people who are so cheery all the time because it feels fake and I like people around me to be honest.
But she just, she has this way of finding the beauty in the stupidest things and it’s so cute. We got splashed by a car the other day, drenched both our outfits, and instead of being mad, she got all excited and had us do a photoshoot in our crazy soaked clothes, and then got all excited that we could cuddle under a duvet and watch a movie with snacks once we got home cause apparently that’s the only acceptable thing people can do after being covered in water (which is exactly what we did).
And she’s not unreasonably happy, you know? Like when people try to cheer people up at bad times and make everyone more sad, she’s not like that. Whenever i’m upset, or mad, she’ll doodle these cute little flowers on coloured paper and write things she loves about the world on the back of them, and once i’m done ranting abt how annoying the world is, she’ll give it to me and smile. She has the best smile.
I have this jar, I write the date on them and put the paper in the jar.
We’ve been best friends five years, she started doing that like four years ago and i’ve had the jar pretty much from the start.
It’s always been easy to be around her. We sort of knew each other for like a year, and then I blinked, and we were best friends. I read all the books she gives me even though the plot is super cheesy cause she loves talking about them, I learnt how to bake all her favourite snacks her mum made, cause she’s pretty far from home and honestly a tragic baker. And she cooks dinner (don’t ask how she can’t bake to save her life but is the most incredible cook, it’s unbelievably ridiculous) for us a lot, she learnt to make my fav food.
We technically live together, we’re at the final year of uni (maybe not tho depending on our next courses, I dunno) so we’ve been living together this year, but before that, I basically spent most of my time around her place anyway.
So yeah, we’re friends. But I realised a few months ago that i’m pretty, definitely, in love with her. I think i’ve felt like this for about a year and it just hadn’t quite clicked yet.
(I had this awful day and came back to our place to see her genuinely painting our wall a different colour of white. She paints as a hobby and accidentally splatter a ton of blue paint on the wall and freaked out and tried buying white paint to cover it when it wouldn’t wash of and she was sat on the floor with white paint all over her and the wall still blue.
She told me the story and I burst out laughing. I explained you often need white primer first, to cover the blue, and then to buy the correct shade of white, since ours was sort of chill white and she’d bought bright white.
It’s the type of thing that would’ve annoyed me so much at the end of such a tough day, but because it was her, I just found it adorable. That’s when it clicked, I love her. She noticed I was tired immediately and felt bad cause she realised i’d had a bad day. I said this cheered me up, cause it did. Then we made dinner together and spent the night reading on the sofa with music on.
We went to the shop the next day to get the correct stuff and luckily our wall is back to looking almost exactly the same).
So yeah, I love her. Plus like, being demi, I don’t usually find ppl attractive… I mean i’ve always known she’s aesthetically pleasing, she has good fashion sense and stuff, but like, I tend to view all people as the same sort of level of attractive. BUT NOW ITS LIKE- SHES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL. It’s kind of annoyingly actually. How is everyone not spending all day gazing at her eyes. They’re fucking caramel, like a book character. She says they’re brown but she’s wrong. In dull lighting they seem brown but they’re like dark orange (amber i guess) with little hues of green, but in the sun they’re really bright and caramel and warm.
She’s a lesbian btw. So theoretically I’ve got a shot. Also, i’ve always been good at reading people and I know she’s had like a small crush on me at least twice in our friendship. You can tell sometimes.
But recently, it’s been a wreck. I’m so distracted cause i’m in love with her I can’t think, and my friends keep telling me she loves me back but I can’t keep my head on straight long enough to try and tell.
But. If I do get my head out of my ass and tell her and she does end up wanting to date me, what the fuck am I supposed to do then. Cause if it does work out, i’m pretty sure it’ll last.
My parents never totally liked her (they probably saw this coming- but I think in the homophobic, all queer ppl date each other, way and not the, they’re meant to be together, way) and if ended up having to tell them i’m actually dating a women, they’d be pissed.
I always thought i’d end up with man, since it’s easier. No religious guilt about that. But I can put aside my own brains stupidity for her. But I can’t change my parents. But aside from this, they’re literally amazing. But I also know them and I truly don’t think they’ll change.
All my friends having been saying me and her should’ve been dating this entire time. I don’t know, I like to think now would be kinda perfect. I always knew she was gonna be in my life forever, I guess I just got so used to imagining myself with a man I forgot she was an option? That I could be with her romantically forever. You know, assuming she wants to date me.
(We’ll see about that. I’m really not sure. But i’m totally shit at keeping my own secrets so i’m planning to tell her soon if not just for the sake of my own sanity. All my friends say she’ll reciprocate, if she doesn’t, then I guess i’ll go from there, she’s not the type to be weird or bothered that we live together despite it. And if she does… then I have to decide what to do next. My other best friend is literally always right when it comes to our friends dating lives, and she has faith we’ll end up together, so we’ll see I guess)
But if she does. If she does I’ll have to get into it with my family. I don’t want to lie to them. And I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t think they’ll change their minds. I think they’ll say I can come visit whenever, but not bringing my partner. And I won’t want that. And we’ll all argue.
I never liked knowing my parents didn’t accept this side of me, but I guess I never considered it would be an actual problem i’d have to deal with someday.
I spend a lot of my time trying to figure myself out. I haven’t had the easiest path in life. But with her, it’s so easy. It’s easier to understand what I like, it’s easier to talk about things, and I fully trust her not to be weird. Or leave. Or get mad for nothing. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around her. I trust her. We don’t argue much. We have, what she calls, three different type of arguments.
One, “bad mood argues”. She finds it so hilarious that it rhymes. You have to say it with the syllables. Bad-Mood Ar-Gues. We have these cookies in the freezer that we make every month. If one of us is having a bad day, we cook a few cookies to eat and I bought this dumb fridge magnet of a cookie to put on the fridge to signify it’s a cookie worthy bad day.
Another one is “justifiable anger”. That doesn’t happen much. When we first met, she had this tendency to not tell me when I did something that upset her, and it’d spiral, and i’d be mad she wasn’t talking about why she was mad. So we have a rule to always talk about problems, even the little things. For example, her yelling into the phone to her family for hours while i’m trying to study- she has planned days now, so I can go to the library or she can go out if necessary, or keep the convo below 45 min, her mums like half deaf so she does have to shout, but it’s also VERY loud. Basically we comprise. And make sure no anger builds up.
The third type of argument is, what our friends call, “married idiots”. As in, she shouldn’t use the siri talk thingy while driving cause it never understands what she’s trying to say and so I get jumbled texts that mean nothing and then she thinks she’s told me something she hasn’t told me. She’s nearly understanding that one 🤦♀️ And you know, the classic colour of something argument (it’s purple- she’s wrong).
Anyway. I forgot my point. Oh yeah, everything’s easier with her. I feel comfortable. If i’m being totally honest… i’m pretty sure if I ask her out, she’ll say yes. Like 80% sure. Im just scared to fuck this up, and cause family problems. Cause yeah, she’s worth the drama, but also, it’s her that’ll be being insulted right? She very likely won’t be allowed in my house. I don’t want this to ruin what we already have.
So yeah. That. I could really do with some advice ❤️
Hi <3
If you do not ask this girl out, I will physically pass away.
Like...I'm not usually so pushy with asks, but you're describing a relationship, hon. This is a relationship. I'm not sure if you follow me because of the Marauders, but you two are literally Wolfstar, And I'm shipping the two of you so hard right now.
If, for some insane reason, she turns you down, it's because she doesn't realize she's in love with you, too.
As far as your family...again, I'm going to be more blunt that usual. You're going to have to face their lack of acceptance for you at some point. It's absolutely shit that they don't accept you, but like...don't let that stop you from being with this girl. Because even if you put off their feelings now, you'll have to deal with it someday, and then you might miss out on an amazing girl.
Please update me. I need updates. I am so invested. I am DYING for updates.
God, I'm rereading all the things you wrote and I'm kicking and giggling. You two are ridiculously adorable. Please kiss her already (with consent).
I'm naming you purple anon. Please write back.
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TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD
STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS
picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health
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“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”
jeremy u flirt
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do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?
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oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10
if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.
if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.
i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.
sending lots of love to all of u
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wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?
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It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.
fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene
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Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”
jean moreau u are so loved
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“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”
THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE
ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING
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Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.
jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him
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betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug
and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-
“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.
CHAPTER TWELVEE
dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading
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“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.
king is fed uppp
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“It’s not about size, anyway.” “Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.
OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U
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“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”
GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN
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“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”
now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact
“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,
this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash
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“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” “Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”
NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP
YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON
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CHAPTER 13333
jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that��s real of him
meanwhile jean:
Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.
sureee buddy
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They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.
well that is definitely an outfit!
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“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”
EXCUSE ME
this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships
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ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER
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‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’
uhhhhh…
i don’t know how to tell u this buddy
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dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy
chapter 14!!!
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Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.
oh jean we’ll get there eventually
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Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.
OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE
MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR
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SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE
“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”
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“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”
“Neither am I.”
TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST
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everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept
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kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life
they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply
He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” “I will wait as long as it takes,”
“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”
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“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. “Obsessed,” Jeremy
exy fiend kevin day representation
also
“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil
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She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.
this is the love jean deserves
chapter 15:
“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”
jean i love u
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Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,
he’s so me
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“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”
THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR
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i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:
due to egregious injuries.” Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.
it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character
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“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. “Denied,” White said.
SCREAMING
THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT
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JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT
catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u
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jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world
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So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.
oh god don’t do this to me
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Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.
beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate
A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.
A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS
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SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO
“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”
starting off strong
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You’re one of my kids now.
don’t mind me i’m just sobbing
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no no no no no no no no no
holy shit no what the fucking fuck
don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now
actually dreading reading on right now
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um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read
i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing
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Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” “I do not want you to look.” It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,
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only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him
chapter 17 the finale:
feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book
please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau
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nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???
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i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007
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jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god
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“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?
stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?
stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i
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Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”
NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER
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Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.
devouring these scraps about my boy
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YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY
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Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day
- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us
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The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”
oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book
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“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”
to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together
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“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”
my hero
Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,
i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph
Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” “Shut up and get in the car.”
i wish neil josten was real
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He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated
FUCK THE GOVERNMENT
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Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”
he’s everything to me 🥰
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“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.
and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”
- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn
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ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope
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“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”
oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud
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“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”
THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE
all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon
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i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do
best friends ❤️
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jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him
A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS
!!!!!
I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK
#aftg#all for the game#tsc#tsc spoilers#the sunshine court#jean moreau#jerejean#jeremy knox#catalina alvarez#laila dermott#neil josten#david wymack#stuart hatford#nora sakavic
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Preliminary: Everything We Know About He/She/It
The Cast
Mike: is a garbage person. He’s cheating on his girlfriend with his best friend, then (accidentally) kills him.
Peem: is also Not A Great Person, because he’s knowingly helping Mike cheat. (He does not deserve to die over this.)
Pear: Mike’s girlfriend, did not deserve All Of That, hands down the best person in the entire series. Seriously.
Meen: gossipy little bitch, acts like he was looking out for Pear, but was really just there for the drama. Does deserve All Of That.
Drama Teacher: got way too into making these guys make out with each other. That’s all I’m gonna say.
The Setting
This happens in the backdrop of a university drama class, because of course it does. All of these characters are messy, except Pear, who notably isn’t part of the class.
The living situation confuses me. First I thought Mike and Peem were roommates, but I think they’re all living in dorms/apartments close to each other. (Which is convenient bc it means Mike has easy access to Peem and Pear, without the need for many excuses about where he is.)
The Events
Mike truly didn’t mean to kill Peem. He was angry, but he wasn’t murderous. He made a devastating mistake.
Mike does have feelings for Peem, and I think he did love him. Whether I think it’s genuine love or he just loves how Peem makes him feel… depends on how generous I’m feeling at any given time. It could really go either way.
Peem is possessive. He’s vindictive. He knows he’s the other woman; he doesn’t like it, but he knows tolerating it is the only way he can be with Mike, but he’s going to make Pear's problem. He rubs it in her face without her even knowing, and I love that for him.
BTS/Interview Extras
Jeff talks about how he was playing Mike from the angle that he has an abusive and homophobic father, which is the source of his own internalized homophobia and his Thing with Peem, and the reason why he can’t let himself break up with Pear, which could have solved all of their problems. He needs to be the perfect picture of heteronormativity and masculinity. Which, word of God and all, but when viewed under that lens, does make Mike a more sympathetic character! Of course he’s terrified of anyone finding out about him. Of course he can’t love Peem. Of course he can’t even face his own sexuality. It’s very telling that in all but one of their intimate scenes, Peem is the one initiating it. Mike is always holding back, where Peem is reaching out, pushing for more.
About working out the backstory for the character (unclear if the writer/director were involved or if this is just personal interpretation): “for family issues, given the reason that Mike’s dad hates queers, so much that he’d even physically assault them, it creates a mold that Mike needs to fit into, that he has to love a girl. And when that mold’s shaken, he loses control."
There’s a funny/cute part where they’re asking about the kissing scenes and it’s adorable, he gets so flustered xD He said he thought they would be able to do it in one take and uh… that’s not what happened.
Another fun quote: “The hard part of playing Mike is that Mike is flirtatious, which I’m not personally. I just can’t.” Uhh… I think that’s definitely changed lol
Finally, the most important line in the series, coming from the drama teacher at the start of episode 1:
“In the real world, we don’t know who is acting. Sometimes, in the world of performing, we don’t know who’s real. Sometimes we can’t tell them apart at all.”
This sets the stage for everything that happens moving forward. Peem and Pear don’t know if Mike’s feelings are real (and neither does he), and Mike doesn’t know if Peem is really drowning, ultimately leading to his death.
The ask that inspired this
Stay tuned for the rest, I've got 3 more posts about this nonsense!
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a love letter about writing star wars fanfiction.
(aka a love letter to my eleven year old self, and to anyone who's read bks.)
this is extremely sappy, and gross, and personal.
tw : homophobia, internal & external
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There is nothing I love as much as storytelling.
I wrote my first story when I was eleven. It was a story about an angel and a demon who fell in love with each other and I posted it on Wattpad with a cringey title while under the pseudonym of a young genderless author, and I thought I was so cool.
I wrote that story for some time. I remember being at my lola’s house (the only place I had access to a computer) and checking my page and seeing that I had over one hundred hits on it.
I also remember later that night when my father called my lola and asked her to put me on the phone. I was a child and I used my father’s email for everything because I didn’t have one of my own and I didn't know any better. He called and he told me to delete my account immediately because what I was writing was extremely inappropriate.
My story didn’t contain so much a kiss between its love interests.
I thought maybe he was upset because of a scene where one of the male characters changed shirts, or maybe it was because I was writing about the devil.
But my father wasn’t a religious man. He’s quite the opposite actually, I distinctly remember when I was eight, I would go to church with my lola, and that Christmas I played the Virgin Mary in our pageant.
And I looked out in the audience to find that he wasn’t there.
Lola told me he had a cold sore.
(My mom told me he just didn’t like church.)
When I told him I was sorry and I didn’t know what I did wrong he told me I should write a different kind of story because the one that I was writing was bad, he told me that it was disgusting.
The love interests in my story were both men. And at the ripe age of eleven I hated myself for what I had done.
Over the next ten years I found different ways to tell stories. I wrote songs, I performed in musicals and I played Dungeons and Dragons. Every once and a while I would try to write but it just never worked. I would sit and stare at the notebook or the screen and I could never get further than a chapter or two because I just couldn’t stop thinking about how inappropriate it was for someone like me to be telling a story.
I came out as queer my freshman year of highschool.
That morning a family member (who I have since reconciled with) told me that they didn’t love me anymore. Since that day they have come to terms with who I am and I love them endlessly but I will never really get over that. I just can’t stop wondering what kind of person would tell a fourteen year old girl that they don’t love them over something they couldn't help?
I came out as nonbinary when I was nineteen.
That was the thing that finally destroyed any ounce of a relationship I had left with my father.
I stopped singing, I stopped performing, and I stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons. And I just sort of hit a wall. Years of people telling me that I talk too much, that my identity was something that made me wrong, and years of people halfheartedly listening to me when I spoke finally wore me down to a point where I just wanted to be alone and silent.
I wanted no one to look at me and I wanted no one to speak to me because I had been told since I could talk that I was a chatterbox. So I shut up and I stayed in my room. I went to work, I went home, and once a week I would hang out with the only friend that I hadn’t pushed away. (Trust me I tried, and I’m grateful everyday for how hard he fought to stay.)
I did this for a long time, around three years.
A little over a year ago I started taking medication for my severe social anxiety and my depression. It helped me snap out of the funk I was in and I quickly realized that my routine was about to vastly change. Evan was moving away for college and I was going to be truly alone. Sure I’d made other friends by this point but I only ever really hung out with Evan.
So I needed something to fill that loneliness lest I succumb to it entirely.
So I wrote a story.
A vague story, where the characters had no names but they had big emotions. A story about a princess who fell in love with a knight but she never saw his face, and when he sacrificed himself for her he fought tooth and nail to get back to her, and thanks to his anonymity he actually managed to do it.
At the start of May this year I started to write in earnest, for the first time in a decade. And anyone who has followed Best Kept Secret for a long time knows just how quickly those chapters were coming out. I was posting nearly three chapters a week because a decades worth of words were rushing out of me, desperate to finally see the light of day.
When Evan went to college I wasn’t scared because I had something new to fill my time, a story. Since the day I posted that story, not a day has gone by where I haven’t written.
Yes it is a silly piece of Mandalorian fanfiction, yes it is basically just porn for quite a bit of it, and yes it is full of spelling and grammatical errors. But it’s mine. It’s my story and it doesn’t matter if it’s dorky or terrible or anything along those lines because for the first time in a long time I don’t feel bad anymore. I don’t feel guilt or shame for the things that I say or do because I have been able to grow past that and a large part of that is because of Star Wars fanfiction.
And I wish so badly that I could tell my eleven year old self that they are going to be okay and that she isn't wrong in any sense of the word. I wish that I could tell her that she doesn’t have to be a girl and that she can like whatever she wants to like and she can write whatever she wants to write.
I wrote Best Kept Secret for me, and I wrote it for her. Because she loved Star Wars so fucking much, and if she knew that we found our peace in a silly story about a princess on Naboo she might finally be happy because she loved Padme so so much.
I should probably be more sad that it’s ending but I’m really just proud of myself and I’m eternally grateful to anyone who’s reading this because if it weren’t for people reading what I was writing I don’t know if I would have carried on. I was so scared and nervous to write this story but when people liked it I was reminded of why I liked storytelling so much in the first place.
Because it makes other people happy.
This is already too long and too sappy but I can’t thank everyone who has supported me enough, because this silly little story of mine has unironically changed my life. I’m going to continue to write fanfiction because I love it but I’m also going to write a book. I’m going to write my first novel because this is what I love to do and I want to share it with anyone who cares, this is my favorite thing and thanks to this I have been reminded of that fact.
So thank you, to every single person who read this mess, and thank you to every single person who read the wonderful mess that is Best Kept Secret.
Tomorrow I am going to celebrate with my mother who I have to thank for all of this. She has supported me endlessly and she has pushed me to write and keep writing.
Tomorrow I am going to call my lola, who sadly now lives further away, and tell her that I finished writing the story she constantly asks about.
Thank you mom, thank you Lola, thank you Evan, Tori & Carli, thank you to every single person who has ever supported my writing.
Thank you eleven year old Ro, thank you for writing fanfiction about minecraft youtubers on your lola’s laptop.
here's a photo of the wonderful women of my family and of me writing bks in a coffee shop, curtesy of my friend tori, taking a point five.
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Ace-Coded Akk
Thanks to the conversation I had with @saladbroth, I decided this discussion was really important to me. I will start by saying that however canon plays out, there's a lot to be said about the portrayal of Akk and his reaction to sex, romance, and queerness in general. This is merely an interpretation and not an attempt to force an identity or erase what's intended for him. However, I'm an asexual and I will be wearing the ace goggles as is my wont to do.
Akk is a funny character in many ways, and it's really enjoyable watching him be so rigid yet so affected by Ayan's antics. It's truly comedic. He gets the biggest deer-in-the-headlights expression on his face that I have ever seen. He is so uncomfortable and so in denial that I can’t help but laugh. But looking at him from a serious angle reveals so many layers that prove he is not just a mindless bootlicker serving as a tool to be messed with. His struggle to rise from a humble background to become the head prefect of Suppalo plays a great part in who he is and what motivates him. In fact, it seems to be the thing he cares about most.
One scene that really points this out is the exchange below:
Akk doesn’t just say no, but he calls dating nonsense. Even while hiding his true feelings, calling romance nonsensical as a whole is a bit further than he needed to go, so why would he put it that way if it didn’t hold some truth? A good part of asexuality is having a complicated relationship with romance and dating. Regardless of one’s romantic attraction, navigating the dating scene especially in modern day is exhausting. This is tenfold for asexuals because of the expectations that come with pursuing a relationship. For now, Akk is a student and he is happy putting his energy into that instead.
Now, when asked that ultimate question, the show plays a short montage of Akk’s private moments with Ayan up to that point. I’ll talk more about that in a second, because it’s still relevant. Before Ayan came to the school, Akk has been comfortable being a student and not worrying about teen romances. He doesn’t even complain about not being able to attract anyone, which could’ve been an easy reply. However, if he had complained about this predicament, it would’ve likely invited his friends to offer him help finding a date. Akk has been with these friends throughout his time at school and this is their last year together, which means he knows that’s not what he should say.
Of course, part of the reason he gives that answer is because he’s still not willing to admit any feelings for Ayan. That’s too much to unpack. He can’t even be vague about it because then he’d simply get questioned even more, and the last thing Akk needs is to be pressured into saying something he neither wants to nor should for a student in his position.
And then we get this scene:
He is once again targeted with questions about his dating life. Namo wasn’t present during the discussion earlier, so poor Akk has to face these concepts again but now with Ayan present. He has another chance to say he just can’t get a girl to date him or that he’s focusing on school and dating will have to wait. But what does he repeat?
This is such loaded response. Because while Akk may not care about dating, there is something going on, there is someone he likes. It doesn’t help that Ayan is present for this conversation because his ears are perked up like a rabbits’ and enjoying every second of Akk’s rigid cover.
He doubles down anyway. This is not a topic he wants to discuss. I find it interesting in that he handles it so differently from Kan, who is in a similar situation. Kan leans into faking heterosexuality to feel safe. Akk could easily have done the same but that tactic doesn’t even occur to him. All he wants is to be a good student and do his job and he’d like nothing to get in the way of that.
Kan, I love you sweetie, but you really could have just said nothing. This was a step too far. Sex and romance do not go hand in hand for everyone. I will forgive him a little for making this comment because again, Kan is trying to come off as some kind of chick magnet and is using the idea of possibly not being a virgin to insulate that persona. Still rude though.
I would just like to commend Wat for this comment. He already got his answer from Akk and accepted it, and doesn’t understand why Kan has joined Namo in prodding him further. Namo does not take a hint.
That question. That fucking question. Ignoring the smug little smirk on Ayan’s face, I just see Akk’s posture and feel my whole chest weigh down with a feeling I know very well. There’s a great deal of thoughts and emotions swirling through him right now and none of them are pleasant. He’s confronted with the knowledge that against all logic he likes Ayan, who is sitting beside him and has not been shy about flirting in the slightest. This means he’s gay, a fact about himself that has only recently surfaced and comes with a whole slew of baggage for a kid who has lived under traditional ideals his whole life. But he’s also never cared for dating and romance before so it should be easy to write off. Right?
Except for all of Akk’s oddities, he is aware that the social norm is to want sex and is around the age where teens typically experiment with it. And he hasn’t. Is it because he’s gay and repressed? That’s possible. He could lean into Kan’s method again and try to hint that he’s not a virgin, if that’s what he really wanted to defend.
What we see instead is that he gets so tense and uncomfortable that he makes an excuse to leave the situation altogether. Once the topic of sex, especially his experience (or lack of) with it, is brought up, he is out.
And we see a pattern in how he responds to Ayan’s advances. I love this gifset here because while it’s also humorous, it’s so relatable. What many would like to call sexual tension in this situation could also be seen as anything but. Akk’s slow reaction to Ayan undressing appears to be closer to confusion at what he’s watching up to the point where the zipper goes down and he realizes what it means.
I could reference shot after shot after gif after gif of Ayan posing a threat flirting messing with Akk and point emphatically at Akk’s face and body language, but I know that a great deal of what I’m seeing is very much my own interpretation. To me, Akk is the person who was raised with very strict rules and his beliefs are so influenced by them that he is happy not stepping outside those boundaries. He’s naive in that he believes he has a proper frame of reference to explain the world around him - or at least have enough explained to him to get him where he wants to go and he can ignore the rest because it doesn’t (shouldn’t) affect him. His asexuality is easy to deal with in that context because he doesn’t even have to be aware of it to move forward in his life. For all he knows, his lack of sexual attraction is simply an advantage, some lucky removal of distraction, so that he can focus on what’s more important to him.
Then Ayan comes along. He’s out of bounds both literally and figuratively. He awakens ideas and feelings in Akk that are scary and new and worst of all fucking inconvenient. The thoughts in his head stray from school work to that romantic nonsense everyone else has been bothering him about. Why should he care? Why should they care? What is Ayan really trying to do? So he pretends not to be interested and tries to convince himself that Ayan is a villain and that he doesn’t have to bother with wanting Ayan in any way if he gets rid of him. Anything so he doesn’t have to face the fact that not only does he experience attraction, but he’s homoromantic. Hence the montage mentioned earlier.
Akk as a gay-ace learning he is both at the same time is a huge event - one that will slowly make the world he knows crumble into dust around him. I don’t expect the show to tackle the nuances of the split attraction model or even ace identities, so I’ll be happy with whatever comes of his relationship with Ayan even if it does turn out to be more sexual. Sexuality is strange and fluid and ultimately very personal. There’s no right or wrong way to experience any given identity. But being able to relate with a character who shares characteristics of my own identity is what makes me love Akk so much, especially with such a lack of ace representation. First's portrayal of him is absolutely something to be commended. Golf has done an amazing job with this show so far and I look forward to everything they have prepared for us.
#the eclipse#the eclipse the series#the eclipse akk#the eclipse ayan#the eclipse kan#the eclipse wat#the eclipse namo#akkayan#akk x ayan#akk x aye#asexual#asexuality#ace-coded characters#ace spec#gay ace#meta#the eclipse meta
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I know you hc Midnight as aro/ace, so now I raise you: Ace! Miruko (it's a very personal hc to me)
!!!!!!!YOUR MIND!!!!!!!
B r o , d u d e , this is something I never really considered but holy shit does it make s e n s e
TW: MENTIONS OF SEX ABSOLUTELY NO NSFW INVOLVED
Let’s jump right in
She saw people around her talking about hookups and people they found attractive during high school and college, and it honestly took her a while to come to terms with the fact that she might not be allo
Now let’s be clear, as an ace person, I’ll be the first to state that when you’re ace you absolutely can and at times might/do find people attractive whether is me romantically, platonically, or just because you find them attractive!! It’s really hard to differentiate between what type of attraction you do feel towards people though
Such was the case for Miruko
During her years at UA, she had been bombarded by the press asking her rather uncool questions about her love life considering that she was a teenager :/
She would always tell them that it was nine if their business! And it wasn’t! But there was also another reason for her response was that truly, she didn’t know
Miruko didn’t (and still doesn’t, like not knowing things; especially things about herself) so excuse her if she got a bit abrasive, but the press should keep their damn noses in their own business..
Sadly, they do not :/
Miruko is not an insecure person, but during her teen years, she was starting to wonder if there was something wrong with her. She just. Didn’t get it?
One time, after the press had done a great job in not minding their business >:/ she was taking it out on the punching bag in front of her. Her knuckles were bleeding. She was pissed. Her teacher told her to go to the nurses office. thus merely furthering the pissed off-ness, but Recovery Girl helped her out nonetheless
Recovery Girl was also the one to give them all the sex ed class, which is really what opened her eyes to the LGBTQ+ community
She went over the whole ass rainbow: genders, sexualities, romantic orientations, the whole spectrum
After that, miruko put it together fairly quickly!
She was ace! And she could give a big Fuck You to anyone who told her otherwise or asked her rude, intrusive questions that were none of their goddamn business!
Life as a limelight hero is tiering in it’s own right. She knew people would be in her business, but she’s a tough lady, she can handle it! But damn, did it get annoying :/
Soon enough, she found her rhythm
Whenever the press or anyone would ask about her personal life, she’d tell them the truth: that it was none of their business
Now, don’t get me wrong; if she was in a serious relationship with someone whether it be a queer platonic partner or a romantic relationship, she would 100000000% be showing them off
But until then, it was no ones business, and that’s how she liked it.
I hope you liked this!!!!!!!! I genuinely love this headcanon so much though??? Thanks for the ask!!!!
Let me know if you want a qpp/romantic partner headcanons for miruko!!
#sorry this took so long#we’re moving and I’m mentally ill#tw: vague mentions of sex#bnha#mha#bnha headcanons#mha headcanons#my hero headcanons#bnha miruko#miruko#rumi usagiyama#ace miruko#asexual#asexuality#asexual miruko#asexual rumi usagiyama
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Life Is Ours, We Live It Our Way 11
Chapter 11 out of 18
Genderqueer Stevie with platonic soulmates Robin and Eddie living their best queer life.
In this chapter, The entire party comes together to celebrate the new year. Sharing new years resolutions and parts about themselves. At the end, Stevie takes Eddie up on his offer.
On AO3.
Ships: none
Warning: misgendering that comes with not being out
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The New Year
They don’t talk about it for the few days leading up to new years. Robin sadly has to go home for a few of them, but they see each other at work, while Stevie and Eddie learn each other’s behaviors and work around their work schedules.
Because it’s the holidays, Family Video is filled with customers, who want to make the most out of the couch weather.
Pretending to date Robin has some pros here, since Stevie hasn’t flirted with a girl in weeks. He likes flirting with girls – and maybe boys, though he can’t try that much – but with everything, dating in Hawkins has lost its flair. Besides, with all she’s learned about herself, she’s not to keen to dive into a relationship or bed with anyone. Eddie and Robin are more than enough.
Wednesday rolls around and with that the last day of 1986. It’s almost strange how much life can change in a year.
He’s lying in bed and looking at the ceiling. Eddie had woken up sometime during the night, but they managed to fall asleep again after sharing a cup of tea and a cigarette. And now Eddie is peacefully asleep behind her. Warm breaths puff against her neck and his arms are heavy around her waist. He’s warm and comfortable in bed.
She used to be a morning person. She used to get out of bed and run to train for sports and just to get out of that house, honestly. Now he still wakes up early, he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get rid of that habit, but he doesn’t get out of bed.
The alarm for Eddie’s early morning shift is bound to to go if in half an hour and Stevie could stay in bed after, because she doesn’t have a shift until the afternoon. However, she knows the bed won’t be as comfortable alone.
Stevie hates being alone.
And he hasn’t really been alone since spring break when he shared a hospital room with Eddie in a government lab to check if they didn’t have weird inter-dimensional rabies. It’s truly strange what can bring people together.
His new years resolution is to take more risks, emotional risks. He wants to come out to Joyce and Hopper, maybe even tell her family about her gender. She wants to say yes to Eddie’s offer. Wants to take evenings to doll up for no one but the people home with her. Wants to ask Max and El to paint his nails. Wants to play Lady Stevie in DnD.
It’s exciting, but also a little terrifying, so Stevie hides in the warm bed with Eddie for twenty more minutes, away from the world.
Then she extracts herself from his warm arms, laughing at how he whines and buries his face into the pillow as he rolls onto the warm spot Stevie just left. The house is still cold, so he puts on one of the sweaters on the chair in the corner – he thinks it’s Robin’s, but doesn’t know for sure – and starts some coffee.
Ten minutes later she hears the alarm, followed my an angry grunt and then stumbling. Eddie is a loud person, even when he’s not saying anything, so it’s easy to follow his journey out of bed and into clothes before he’s even shown his face.
When he comes out of their room, he’s in a black shirt that hides the stains, though they’re obvious on his overalls that are tied around his waist and he is putting his hair up in a ponytail while he walks.
“Coffee!” he exclaims, making grabby hands at the mug, sighing into the heat: “Stevie, you are my hero.”
“Yeah, yeah, you only love me for my morning person-ness,” Stevie grins.
“I would never,” Eddie gasps dramatically. “I love for far more than your morning person-ness and your ability to make coffee! I also love you for your hogging of the water, for your clothes taking over the closet and for your complaining about my socks.”
“Your socks are annoying,” Stevie protests, but he’s laughing too. All the things Eddie has named are things he might do, but when Eddie says them, they don’t sound like grievances. Just friendly teasing.
“My socks are a delight,” Eddie protests.
“Dude,” Stevie raises a brow, before shaking her head. “Just drink your damn coffee, it’s obvious too early for you to be thinking.”
“Rude,” Eddie mutters, but drinks his coffee and eats his breakfast, thanking Stevie genuinely for it, before racing out the door to get to work.
She spends the rest of the morning doing the dishes, cleaning up the house and luxuriating in the shower for a change. Then he gets dressed and goes to Family Video, where he has to brave the holiday crowd with Keith, no Robin in sight today.
Once freed from the horrors of haggard moms and annoying teens, Stevie flees home to freshen up before they go to the Byers house, where Joyce and Hopper are hosting the party for new years so that they can go into 1987 together.
Eddie is already home, showered and clean and folding their first batch of laundry in their new home. He grins at Stevie when he enters and asks about his day and how long he’ll take to get ready for the party.
It’s grossly domestic and Stevie wants to live in it forever. He’s giddy as he goes through his routine, because he does get to live in it forever. Eddie, Robin, her, they’re going to be forever. They are going to be grossly domestic and have a quiet – well not quiet with the rascals but a peaceful – life.
Stevie can sink into the softness that has always brewed under the surface of his skin, something she ignored for most of her life to be whoever everyone needed her to be. She gets to plan nights for himself and play nerdy games and cook for Eddie and Robin. He gets to do the things he wants to do and he has never been more happy that her parents are gone.
They pick up Robin on the way to the party. Stevie is driving and she pushes Eddie to the backseat, claiming her girlfriend privilege that she has been milking ever since she first heard the phrase. It’s a bit harder with Eddie, who knows her privileges are nonsense, but he relents under the watchful eyes of Mrs. Buckley, though he complains the whole way there.
Not everyone is there yet, but they’ve been invited for dinner. Nancy is there too with Jonathan and it’s always a little weird between them, but then Will and El come running up, excitedly babbling about the campfire Hopper promised to light later as Eddie and Stevie twirl them up into hugs. He and Jonathan never truly saw eye to eye, but they can agree on being there for the two kids.
During dinner they hear more about how college is and Robin gets excited about it, while Eddie and Stevie share a look of agreement; college has never been for them. Certainly not now.
The evening is filled with laughter and it’s nice to watch as Will excitedly talks to Eddie about the campaign, while El and Nancy talk about fashion and Jonathan has dragged Robin into a stupid discussion about movies, citing a call with Argyle as a valid source, which Robin naturally contests with vigor. Hopper and Joyce are murmuring at the head of the table, Stevie is sitting on the other end.
He doesn’t really care that he isn’t part of a conversation right now. She likes sitting there and watching the people she loves, surrounded by their chatter. It’s perfect. Nice.
After dinner, Stevie goes to pick up the kids in Nancy’s car so he can squeeze them all in. All of them are on their curbs waiting, excited for tonight. The car ride is so so loud. They’re arguing about the best way to toast a marshmallow and Stevie is 90% sure Max is just throwing opinions out there to stir the pot and by god is it working.
They practically run inside the house when they get there to meet their friends. Stevie watches as Mike hugs Will tightly first, before El, taking her hand. Mostly he sees how Will smiles at the gesture.
It’s still a few hours to midnight and the kids have convinced everyone to rent a movie. It’s a movie Stevie doesn’t really follow. Her head hurts, so she takes off her glasses and closes her eyes, resting on Eddie’s shoulder, while hugging Robin in his lap, dozing throughout the movie.
No one makes fun of her for being an old man – Stevie giving Robin his glasses is a sign for his two soulmates to keep the gremlins off his back – and she’s glad for it. She wants tonight to be fun and not think about his plans for the coming year.
His head feels better when the movie is done and he offers to wash the dishes, which is denied by Joyce as she puts Jonathan and Nancy on it.
Hopper is setting up outside, which means all the kids run after him in excitement and, because Eddie is also a kid at heart, he follows the horde outside as well. Robin asks if he’s okay and he smiles and nods: “Never better.”
Then Joyce calls out: “I’m so sorry to interrupt the moment, but I need an extra hand setting up for the sleepover for the kids.”
Stevie is about to offer her help when Robin jumps in to do it, giving him his glasses and sending him a look that says ‘rest for a bit, dingus,’ to which he rolls his eyes, though he doesn’t dispute it as he gives himself a moment to sink into the couch.
Her peace is broken by Dustin, who sits on the couch next to her tentatively. He is being quieter than normal, which Stevie appreciates. She slides on her glasses and asks: “What’s up, Henderson?”
“Are you okay?” Dustin asks in turn. “You were kind of dozing and it looked peaceful, but I know you get headaches sometimes, so I want to make sure.”
“My headaches have been fine,” Stevie assures him, not even lying. “I’ve been sleeping okay and everything, I just needed to rest for a bit.”
“Okay,” Dustin says, smiling, before turning serious again. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Stevie immediately says. “Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing’s wrong, I just wanted advice on something,” Dustin assures her. “My new years resolution is to be a better friend for Will, like be supportive. Also be more supportive in general, of course. So, I was wondering if you could tell me what I could do, you know?”
“Oi, you’re not doing it for me and Eddie?” Stevie retorts, hiding how touched he is that that is Dustin’s resolution.
“Because the people I’d ask would be you or Eddie and that felt weird,” Dustin defends himself. “I already read stuff, but there isn’t much to find here, so you have to tell me.”
“You did?” Stevie asks, strangely touched by the image of Dustin doing research on queer stuff to support her and Eddie.
“Yeah, of course,” Dustin shrugs, like it’s obvious that he would.
“Oh.”
“So, advice?”
“Well, I’d say it’s most important to be open minded,” Stevie tells him after a moment of contemplation. “You have internal biases, we all do, and things might happen where your gut instinct is bad, but you just have to work through that and not make it Will’s problem. That’s your own shit, not queer people’s. What else? Uhm, you should listen, be there if Will wants to talk, but don’t push him to talk. Also watch yourself.”
“Watch myself how?” Dustin asks and it sounds snipe-y, but Stevie knows it isn’t, because he knows Dustin and Dustin has been diligently nodding along.
“I mean, people who aren’t, you know, queer, sometimes don’t notice how comments can hurt, because they don’t realize they’re shitty,” Stevie says, thinking both of her own misgivings and the man comments directed at him. “You obviously aren’t going around calling people slurs, but some jokes make assumptions and shit. So, kind of watch it. You can’t really help it the first time, but if you notice, you can always check in and apologize when it is something.”
Dustin nods and says: “That makes sense, like with the pushing for the girlfriend thing, right? Anything else?”
“Yeah, exactly. And for anything else, just defend him,” Stevie shrugs, because there isn’t much else he can think off now. “High school is fucking ruthless, dude. Bullies can sniff this sort of shit out. If they make comments, don’t out him, but defend him. Tell them to fuck off if it doesn’t put you in danger, make sure Will knows those assholes are wrong and you love and accept him. There isn’t much more you can do.”
“Okay, yeah, I can do that,” Dustin tells her, before grinning: “Thanks so much, Steve. It’s really appreciated.”
“No problem,” Stevie smiles, hugging Dustin back when the kid falls over him. He’s getting bigger, growing up with the others and it’s amazing and a little terrifying to see the hellions turn into adult people right in front of her eyes.
“Still, thanks,” Dustin repeats, letting go, before halting and asking: “Did I- Did I ever say something that made you uncomfortable that I need to work on? Other than being pushy about you and Robin,” for once not pointing out that he was ‘right’ about it.
Stevie freezes for a second. If she is brave, this will be a perfect moment to mention something about her gender, but she has only just decided that she will at some point and this isn’t about that, so he stays silent and wracks his brain for anything else he can say, because Dustin is observant enough to notice him freezing and himself enough to keep pushing until he knows.
“Uhm, I mean, I- I guess,” Stevie stumbles, “I guess, the assuming that I’m always flirting with everyone, but that was before Robs. You know the pushing me with all the girls.”
“I won’t do that anymore then,” Dustin nods very seriously and Stevie can’t believe how far this kid has come from the twelve year old at the Wheeler house.
“Thanks, dude,” Stevie smiles, before realizing she also still does the gendered terms of endearment thing. So, he adds: “You can also tell me if I say anything that bother you, okay? Don’t worry about me thinking it’s weird. I will never, never judge you or love you less.”
Dustin studies his face curiously for a second then smiles and nods: “I will.”
“Good,” Stevie smiles back, before getting up and clapping his hands. “Now lets go check if the others haven’t overrun Hopper and burned down the garden.”
That makes Dustin laugh and they join the crew there. No one has been burned, which is good, but Eddie has been overrun in the sense that he is on the back in the snow with Max and El perched on top of him, grinning evilly as he whines for them to let him go.
“And what has this criminal done to deserve captivity?” Stevie asks the two girls with an amused grin as she looks down on Eddie.
“Stevie, sweetheart, come save me from these menaces,” Eddie pleads, though he is also grinning and doesn’t look that upset, mostly like he just wants to be dramatic.
“I don’t know,” Stevie teases, turning to Max and El: “What has he done?”
El looks for Max, always content to follow the other girl, while Max answers: “He has committed many heinous crimes, like eating a few of the marshmallows before everyone could gather.”
“That is a very serious crime,” Stevie agrees, El nodding sagely. “I’m sorry, Eds, but I don’t think I can get you released.”
Eddie pouts: “You’re not even going to try?”
“And take my chances against Max and El?” Stevie laughs. “Yeah, I value my life too much to not confront them.”
That has both Max and El grinning victoriously at their victim, who gets a mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he offers: “You can try and break me out secretly, no confrontation necessary. We can be stealthy like ninjas. I’ll make it worth your while, princess.”
“How will you do that?” Stevie laughs, already planning to intervene shortly so Eddie doesn’t get hypothermia, but curious to see what Eddie will offer.
“I’ll shovel the driveway,” Eddie says.
“We don’t have a drive way,” Stevie points out, rolling his eyes.
At that Max rolls her eyes and says: “God, you two are truly becoming boring adults. Come on, El, lets go annoy the others. Eddie has a babysitter now. Help me up, please.”
El gets up and helps Max upright when she holds her hands out to El. El is one of the few people Max doesn’t mind asking help from (usually given without being asked like this, because it’s still hard for Max), though she’s getting better. Through her thick glasses she must see Stevie’s fond look, because she gruffly says: “Stop looking at me like that. It’s my resolution to ask for help more.”
“That’s a good resolution,” Stevie tells her sincerely.
“Whatever,” she rolls her eyes, accepting the crutches El has gotten from the ground, but there is a light blush as she waves the compliment away.
When they’re gone it’s quiet for a moment, then Eddie asks: “Am I really becoming a boring adult, Stevie? I can’t be a boring adult.”
Stevie laughs at his distraught tone and hoists him upright back to his feet as he says: “Stop being such a drama queen.”
“What is Eddie being a drama queen about now?” Robin asks as she jumps on Stevie’s back and it’s only Stevie’s impeccable balance and six sense he has developed for Robin that ensures that he doesn’t drop or attack her when she does.
“You say that like I’m dramatic about everything,” Eddie whines. Robin and Stevie share a look, before bursting out in laughter, which makes Eddie pout more and them laugh harder. In the end Eddie does join in and they’re all laughing when they get called to the campfire where everyone is seated.
There’s laughter all around them as they look back on ‘86 (with Eddie naturally claiming and regaling how it was obviously his year) as well as just go through old memories.
They roast marshmallows too. Hopper sucks at it, much to the delight of all the kids, but especially Max and Will, who are somehow perfect at it (though it must be genetic because Joyce and Jonathan also consistently have good ones).
Jonathan shares his with Nancy in a disgustingly cute display of affection that Stevie wants to roll his eyes at until he sees Joyce do the same with Hopper, Lucas and Mike clumsily copying. Though Max laughs at Lucas and shares her good ones and Will caves at Mike’s and El’s combined eyes and shares his.
Stevie is fucking shit at it too, as it appears that her cooking skills do not extend to open fire, so her brief attempt to cover for him and Robin as dating is foiled by it.
Naturally Dustin notices and slips him one of his marshmallows, because he’s managing just fine and steadily working as much marshmallows into his mouth as he can. It’s funny how content he is in the middle of it all. Likely because he called Suzie earlier and they’re set to call each other again tomorrow.
She takes his not so sneaky marshmallow and turns to Robin, wiggling his eyebrows in a dramatic way that has her snorting, before feeding her the marshmallow. It’s fucking stupid, but they’re giggling anyway.
Robin whispers: “That’s probably the only good marshmallow I’m going to have this night. We both suck again.”
“We’re still useless together, aren’t we,” Stevie grins. “I was hoping to mooch of yours, but I should have guessed you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow.”
“Rude,” Robin protests. “It’s not like you can do it either.”
“You two just don’t have the technique,” Eddie interrupts their squabbling, holding up a perfectly roasted marshmallow.
“How did you do that?” Stevie asks, unable to not sound as impressed as she is.
“I am the king of marshmallows,” Eddie proclaims.
“And how can we humble peasants get in on your marshmallow action, king Eddie?” Robin asks, plating into his dramatics for her own gain AKA getting good marshmallows.
Eddie pretends to contemplate for a second, before grinning: “You can trade your future for them. A life of me, for some marshmallows now.”
“You drive a hard bargain, Munson,” Stevie informs him, plucking the next marshmallow from Eddie’s hands, because they have already agreed on that anyway, so he doesn’t mind playing into Eddie’s dramatics to let him have his fun.
“Mayhaps, but the devil is not known for easy deals,” Eddie shrugs, grin still in place.
“Oh and you’re the devil now are you?” Stevie raises a brow.
“Yeah, I don’t really see it,” Robin immediately jumps on the tease Eddie train. “I mean, the king was already hard to see, but devil? He’s too sweet for that.”
“Uhm, excuse you, I am a very metal rocker, not at all sweet!” Eddie protests, his expressive face morphing entirely to show his petulant displeasure.
“Nope, Robbie’s right,” Stevie shrugs in a ‘I don’t make the rules’-manner. “Total cutie.”
“I hate you both,” Eddie says.
“Whatever, Munson, go make our marshmallows,” Robin smirks, clapping Eddie on the back as Stevie nods cheekily besides her.
Eddie grumbles something about disrespect and his image, but does roast the marshmallows for the three of them.
Midnight draws ever closer, so the radio gets dragged outside to ensure they can hear the countdown and glasses for a toast are filled. It’s just sprite for everyone. Sure, they could drink, but there was beer and wine at the dinner and it’s not really about drinking. It’s not about appearances, just having a fun toast together.
Dustin pouts: “Me, Will and Eddie won’t have anyone to kiss at midnight. That feels kind of rude, everyone better toast then kiss.”
“Yeah, yeah, just shut up, Dustin,” Mike rolls his eyes a bit meanly, but with what Stevie has seen of the kid, she’s sure that he’ll toast first.
“We can do a new years high five,” Eddie placates them. “It’ll be just as cool.” While next to him, Robin and Stevie are realizing that they have to kiss to keep up their charade.
Robin has wide eyes and Stevie mentally tries to communicate if she wants to do it, because he can fake something to get her out of it. Robin thankfully catches onto his mind vibes, because she sighs and shrugs.
He thinks she’s fine, but to be sure he leans in like he’s whispering something cute and asks: “You good with that, because I can just have a fit or something.”
“I’m good, dingus. Thanks,” Robin replies. “Just be quick about it. And if I feel your tongue I’m picking Eddie’s side in every argument for months.”
“Dude, I’m not shoving my tongue down your throat. Gross,” Stevie wrinkles her nose.
Then the radio announces that they’re almost there and they pull apart so that they can count down with the rest of them. The fourteen of them standing in a circle as 1986 slips away from them in a matter of seconds.
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”
They all cheer and toast, making sure to look each other in the eyes as they do, grinning. Then Stevie kisses Robin on the mouth. It’s more a peck, quick and practically friendly. Maybe a bit different from what Nancy and Jonathan are doing or Joyce and Hopper, but not too out of place among the kids.
Next to them, Eddie is dramatically high fiving Will and Dustin, rambling some monologue about the bonds of fellowship binding them in special ways and how the high five encompasses so much more than the kisses that are shared.
They all smile at each other, happiness and mild disbelief that they’re truly here, because just like that it’s 1987.
It’s thrilling exciting and the kids are yelling about it, Eddie joining in, which means Stevie also allows himself to join in. They don’t have fireworks after Starcourt, however, they’re making up for the noise themselves.
After celebrating they fall quiet, all sitting down and sipping their drink when Joyce asks if anyone has any resolutions, adding that no one is required to share. “Here, I’ll start,” she says. “My resolution is to cook more. I like doing it and we have the means to get nice groceries, so I want to do it more. Get better at it.”
That’s a nice resolution and they all tell her so.Stevie hoping that with practice her food will become more edible. Though he doesn’t have high hopes, if years of cooking haven’t improved them yet, she doesn’t see it happening now.
Nancy is next telling them about wanting to have a social life and pass all her courses and Jonathan saying he hasn’t really thought about resolution, but he has the same one, along with keeping in contact with Argyle.
With the three admissions the ice is broken and the kids are also telling them their resolutions, which mostly aren’t that deep, but that’s not the point of resolutions anyway.
Lucas wants to make the cross country team and keep a regular training schedule, so Stevie offers to go running once a week together. That earns the two a round of eyes of the nerdier part of the group as if they can’t believe anyone would willingly go running with Lucas, but the kid himself seems grateful for it.
El wants to learn more cooking and read more and hang out with her friends more now that they’re all in the same town, Erica just wants to get to high school and hasn’t thought much about resolutions, while Mike also says he doesn’t have any.
Dustin tells them his support Will resolution and Mike jumps on it, which makes Will blush and duck into himself with a big grin, as he confesses that he wants to grow into himself, so that that’s nice. Both resolutions get smiles.
When they turn to Max, she mutters that resolutions are stupid, before repeating what she told Stevie earlier, threatening anyone who wants to say something about it. So they don’t, but pride is clear in all their eyes.
Eddie – sweet, good with the kids, Eddie – gets the attention she doesn’t want off her by then loudly saying: “I just wanna get back into music, write more of my own stuff, maybe find others to play again.”
After the whole debacle of spring break Corroded Coffin kind of fell apart. Eddie graduated, but never got back into contact with his old band, half of which was now off to college and the last remaining member in Hawkins banned by his mother from seeing Eddie.
Stevie feels bad for him, she knows how much he loves music and that he wants to be a star. She has seen him pull out his guitar multiple times in the little time they’ve already lived together and she knows it was important in his recovery, mentally and physically.
“We better get back stage passes if you ever get famous,” Stevie smiles, bumping shoulders with Eddie, who grins at the comment.
“Yeah,” Robin immediately joins in. “And if you need like a sick trumpet beat in the background, find me.”
Eddie dies laughing, between snorts managing: “I don’t think sick trumpet beats and metal go together, Robbie.”
Which makes Robin pout and say: “You don’t know that. One day you might come crawling back to me for my trumpet beats and you know what, Eds? You won’t get them.”
“Oh no the horror,” Eddie gasps dramatically. “How can I ever make it up you, fair maiden of the trumpets.”
“You’re a fucking idiot,” Stevie informs him, while Robin goes up into the dramatics by proclaiming: “You may win back my favor by making me heated chocolate beverages whenever I desire.”
“Heated chocolate beverages?” Eddie repeats, too amused by the take on the word hot chocolate to continue his bullshit.
“Yeah, Stevie swore that you made magical hot chocolate and it’s honestly quite rude that you’ve been keeping out on me with that. I love sweets, you know that. I deserve to be in the know about magical hot chocolate,” Robin whines.
Stevie blushes a little at her words. He’d told Robin about the hot chocolate when she asked if he was okay the first time they had a shift together after his short escape to the city. She couldn't very well tell Robin about the maybe BDSM dynamic she and Eddie had going on, but she did want to give the man some credit. And to be fair, the hot chocolate was really good.
However, with Eddie quirking a brow at him, she ducks her head: “What? It was good.”
That is luckily enough for Eddie, who grins: “I accept your peace offer, Robbie. I’ll make us hot chocolate later when we get home.”
The statement has all the kids jumping in complaining that they also want to try Eddie’s hot chocolate and that he’s mean for keeping it from them and only sharing it with Stevie now that they’ve moved in.
“Not cool, dude,” Dustin complains. “It goes against the bro code or some shit.”
“Yeah,” Lucas backs him. “Party before roomie.”
“Party before roomie,” Eddie cackles as he repeats Lucas clumsy remake of ‘pals before gals’ then gives in and promises them all hot chocolate next Friday during DnD night, which cheers them up again.
They fall quiet for a moment, before Dustin says: “We never heard you guys’ new years resolution,” directing the comment at Stevie and Robin.
Robin shrugs and says: “Not that exciting, just going to try and get into a college, you know.”
“Really? Not relationship milestones?” Dustin asks.
“Dude,” Stevie frowns, raising a brow at him. “We’ve been together for a shorter time than you and Suzie and you don’t see me asking that.”
“Yeah, but you’re old,” Dusting counters with a shrug.
Next to her, Eddie laughs and Stevie elbows him with a glare, while Robin groans: “God, you’re worse than some of my conservative aunts!”
Dustin seems to realize what he’s saying and ducks his head sheepishly. “Sorry.”
“It’s alright,” Stevie says, “good that you caught yourself there.”
At that Dustin smiles, before Joyce asks: “And what about you, Steve? Any new years resolutions for 1987?”
“To take more risks,” he shrugs, not minding to share, though few of them will know the extend of what that will mean to her.
The reaction to the statement is immediate, with the whole party yelling things like: “Don’t do that, the fuck! Why would that be your resolution?” and “Trust me, buddy. I don’t think you need more risk in your life,” and “Are you stupid?” and so forth, their voices overlapping.
And Stevie realizes how that can be taken, especially when both Eddie and Robin give him looks that scream ‘what the fuck?’
“Oh, no, not like that,” she interrupts them all, luckily they fall silent, curious about her explanation on the resolution. “I mean, take more emotional risks.”
“Emotional risks?” Nancy asks for clarification and Stevie can see more people looking confused about the statement. He hadn’t thought it would be that confusing, but apparently it is.
The question is also an opportunity now that they’re all together, which means she’ll have all the backup in the kids and his friends, so he answers: “You be more open about stuff. Like, for example, Nance, Jonathan, Hopper, Joyce.” The four look at her in confusion, but pay attention. “I am bisexual. I like men and women.”
It’s quiet and Stevie can feel himself tense as the faces around him morph into surprise.
Luckily, Joyce is there and she breaks the quiet with a wide grin as she comes over to hug him and thank him for trusting them with it. Stevie can see in her eyes that she now realizes why Will called Stevie when he came out and what she might have said to make him more confident in himself and his sexuality.
Hopper is also fast to give his gruff approval, the high of that acceptance not at all dimmed by the ‘son’ he used for Stevie.
Jonathan has lost the tenseness he used to carry in high school and Stevie knows he was there when Will came out and is cool with that. Indeed, Jonathan just gives her a thumbs up and a smile. That leaves just Nancy, who didn’t know yet.
Nancy is the only wild card here. No one has come out to her as far as Stevie knows. And he desperately hopes that she’s cool, so that if Mike thinks there is something he can go to his sister, that if she ends up with Jonathan permanently Will can be himself during family gatherings where she’s at too. But if she isn’t cool, he’s glad it’s him who will go under the bus for it.
Still, she can’t help but find Nancy’s eyes and hope that she can convey that she desperately needs her to say something right now.
When she stays quiet, he prompts: “Nance?”
“Oh, uhm, sorry, just-” Nancy stumbles over her words. She never stumbles over her words and it makes him more nervous than anything. The whole group is holding their breath, some glaring at her as they wait for her to continue. She explains: “I’m just surprised. You never really seemed like the type…”
Stevie sighs and says: “I know who I was, Nance. Trust me, my ‘84 resolution was already be less of a dick. Can’t really keep recycling that one.”
“And you can’t see who’s gay and who isn’t by looks,” Dustin defends Stevie.
He smiles at the kid, who is taking his own resolution very seriously. Subtly patting Robin’s thigh, feeling how she tensed when Nancy said that, wanting to defend Stevie, but being afraid of people thinking something about it.
“I- I know that,” Nancy quickly defends. “Sorry. It just surprised me, but it’s fine. I’m totally okay with it. It’s okay. I just had to process, sorry.”
It seems like the whole group lets out a collective breath at the words and Stevie smiles: “Thanks and it’s okay.” He is sure Eddie or Robin is dying to say something about her needing to stop saying it’s okay when she doesn’t have to be okay with it, but she just wants to move on and she knows neither of them are going to make a point out of it when it’s about coming out.
Indeed they leave it be and soon they all relax back into the atmosphere from before, until the kids start to flag.
Robin has helped Joyce set up a giant mattress floor for them in the living room and they all flop down on it once they’re done. It’s adorable to see them and when he sees Jonathan take a picture, he asks for a copy. They have a whole fridge to fill after all.
With the kids asleep, Stevie gets the presents she bought in the city. She sees Joyce’s look and explains: “I didn’t have time to get them something for Christmas with everything, so I thought it would be fun to surprise them now. You can tell them they’re from me, but it’s mostly just to have a fun start to the new year.”
Stevie has gotten all the DnD players a mini-making kit, since Eddie is planning to maybe start a new campaign when the current one comes to an end, giving everyone an opportunity to reinvent themselves.
He has also gotten them other stuff, next to that. Some quality pencils for Will, a good water bottle for Lucas, a shirt that would be considered metal for Mike (who obviously looks up to Eddie and wants to copy him), a higher level book about radios for Dustin and for Erica he found a collection of cute hair accessories that he won’t admit to being slightly jealous of.
For El she has gotten a collection of pretty things so that the girl can feel more like herself again with the hair still growing out, something she’s obviously still upset about. For Max she has gotten a few more music tapes, but also found a few tapes with books recorded on them as well as a copy of one of her favorites in a larger fond, so it’ll be easier on her eyes.
They get the gifts from the car and pile them on the kitchen table, so the kids can wake up to it in the morning.
She hands the adults their gifts normally and they unpack them on the back porch of the Byers house telling her, she shouldn’t have.
For Joyce he got some non-light Christmas decoration, since he knows the Byers love Christmas, but the lights are ruined for them. For Hopper he got one of the most comfortable sweaters he has ever had the pleasure of finding, knowing how much the man hates the cold after everything that has happened.
It felt a little odd to get Nancy and Jonathan something, like it has always done, but she found a book on the history of journalistic photography for Jonathan and a set of the good hard cover notepads for Nancy.
The whole group thanks her and she smiles, glad they’re enjoying his gifts to them. To Eddie, he explains his gift is still at home and Robin shows them all the bracelet, rambling about the plans she has for more charms.
They all sit there for a little while longer, before Joyce and Hopper get up to retire, claiming they’re getting too old for this. That prompts Nancy and Jonathan to get up too, since they’re sharing Jonathan’s room this night.
Stevie is driving Eddie and Robin home, not at all minding that the three of them can’t sleep over at the Byers house. They love everyone, but there is something thrilling about having their own spot and this way they can just share the bed without getting weird looks.
So, they all pile into Stevie’s car after a drawn out goodbye, before driving home.
Inside, they stumble to their room, shedding clothes and crawling into pajamas. Eddie and Stevie are already flopping down, but Robin bullies them into brushing their teeth, claiming they can’t go into the new year with bad dental hygiene.
But once the teeth are brushed, they collapse into the bed, glad the shops are closed tomorrow due to it being the new year.
Sleep is peaceful.
When Stevie wakes up, she’s surrounded by warmth. Eddie’s breath puffs against his back and Robin’s hand is solid in his. She can get used to waking up like this every day.
He’s the only one awake yet, but he doesn’t mind. It’s nice to be able to lie there for a moment and just soak in the fact that he has people who care, a family, people who want to stay around for her and wake up next to her every morning. People who love and accept her.
She lies there for about half an hour longer, just basking. His soulmates on either side of her and a fresh year in front of them. Hopefully one without Upside Down disasters or near deaths, but one of new memories and affection.
Then, he eases out from between them. Eddie whines sleepily when she breaks from his grip, but settles down when he pushes an extra pillow in his arms. Robin groans a bit when he climbs over her, then mumbles something before snuggling back into the bed.
Victoriously Stevie makes her way to the kitchen and makes the three of them breakfast, putting it all on a wooden plank left over from the cabinet they built. They wanted the bottom to have more space to put in some speakers, so there’s a shelve left over. It works just fine as a serving tray and right now it comes in handy.
He’s glad he left open the bedroom door, making it easier to maneuver through it without the risk of dropping everything.
“Rise and shine, dickheads,” she calls out, poking Robs with his foot, because he can’t sit down until she moves.
“Wha?” Robin asks tiredly, turning back and squinting at Stevie. “Is that…?”
“Breakfast, yes,” he nods. “And if you can get up, so I can get back into bed without spilling it over the sheets that would be appreciated. And wake Eds.”
She grins at those instructions and she feels a bit bad for Eddie when Robin crawls over and drapes herself over him as she exclaims: “Wake from slumber, you whore.”
“Huh?” Eddie grunts, fighting the sheets to get out from under Robin, before seeing Stevie and saying: “Holy shit. Breakfast! Nice.”
“Yeah, yeah, just make some room and take this from me,” Stevie rolls his eyes, but can’t stop the pleased smile.
“Why wasn’t I offered the tray?” Robin pouts.
“I’ve seen you trip over air and drop things that should practically be attached to your body, Robin,” he deadpans, making Eddie laugh so hard he has to wait with handing over the tray. But soon enough they’re all seated on the bed, backs to the headboard as they eat in bed.
It is mostly quiet, only broken by content noises and a few compliments to Stevie. Another calm morning wherein the day only comes in slowly. It’s not at all like he’s used to. No longer having to get up to train, to be better, to get into college, to make something of himself. Just nice.
They’re halfway through eating when Robin prompts: “So, more emotional risks, Stevie? Is there something in particular you’re planning?”
Stevie bites her lip shyly and shrugs, then answers: “I mean, I- I was kind of planning on playing Lady Stevie when this campaign ends and we get to make new characters if we want. Not like coming out or something, but maybe feeling out the vibe. It’s a while away still, I think. We’re not all that far with the clues and I mean, I don’t know for certain yet. But yeah, that.”
“Ah, I’m so proud of you,” Robin squeals, side hugging him.
“Same, sweetheart,” Eddie grins, leaning into him from the other side.
“Thanks,” she blushes. “It’s just- You know, I was talking to Madame Tucker about it. She told me not to deny myself little pleasures in my own home and it got me thinking.”
“She absolutely right,” Eddie agrees with Madame Tucker. “I, for one, am enjoying the fact that I have my own space to just be weird and gay and loud. You should too.”
“Exactly,” Stevie smiles. “I also want to plan more nights for just me. To dress up and not have to be so masculine as I present myself out there. It’s fine for you two to be there, but you don’t have to. I will probably just play around, nothing serious or that interesting.”
“Take that back,” Robin gasps. “I still get to do you makeup at some point. Do not take that from me!”
After a moment of stunned and touched silence, Stevie giggles: “I won’t.”
“Good,” Robin nods, satisfied.
Eddie offers: “If you don’t mind, I’m also not going to get out of your hair. It’s good to see you be yourself and if you’re just doing it to get comfortable, then I’d love to annoy you with all my shit while you do.”
“That’s nice,” Stevie replies. “Maybe you can play me some music?”
“Fuck yeah,” Eddie cheers. “I swear, I’m going to break through at some point. Or you know, always play and tell people I could have.”
“I believe in you,” Stevie tells him, leaning his own head on top of Eddie’s from where it’s still resting against his shoulder.
“Me too,” Robin adds.
“Yeah, we’ll drive you to the city and shit for gigs and promote the shit out of you,” Stevie promises, making Eddie blush and hide behind his hair with a happy grin.
Then Eddie leads forwards and smirks to Robs: “You have to promote the shit out of me when you get to college. Those schmucks there will only know good music if you hit them with it.”
“I will,” she promises too.
They fall quiet for another second, before Stevie asks: “What sort of college are you trying to get into? Are you already applying?”
“Yeah, I, uhm- I am,” Robin admits. “I know you want to stay here for the kids and I don’t blame you, but I also know you get sad about me not living here, so I’ve been keeping it at home. It’s something to do there that keeps my family happy anyways.”
And she’s not wrong, Stevie (and Eddie) will miss the crap out of her when she’s not in Hawkins anymore. But he wants her to share everything with them.
“Hey, Robs, Robbie,” he says softly getting her attention. “Of course I’m going to miss you, but I know you’re excited about college and moving to the city. And I don’t care where you go, I’m always going to come visit and annoy you.”
“Yeah, me too. I’ve always wanted to break into a dorm and stay there illegally,” Eddie adds, smirking gently. “Maybe you’ll have a roommate we can scare the crap out of with our satanism.”
“I’m not sure I want to approve and encourage that behavior,” Stevie says. “But exactly that. You can talk to us about this. I want to get excited with you. You’re so bright, Robin. Of course we want to be happy for you.”
By the time she’s done, Robin has wet eyes and she shoves a bite into her mouth to ignore it, before being unable to stay silent. So muffled by the food she says: “Don’t make me cry into my nice new years breakfast, dingus.”
“Sorry,” Stevie winces.
“Not sorry, idiot,” Robin says, knocking their shoulders together. “Thank you. For being here.”
“We’ll always be here,” Eddie tells her and Stevie is grateful that she can just nod, because Robin is making her emotional too.
Robin finishes chewing her bite, swallowing before saying: “I wasn’t planning on going far. I’m looking into the languages programs in Indy. I figured if I can learn Russian in a week and have fun, I might be good at that. Plus, I’d have people we already know there to go to, should I need it.”
“That’s smart,” Stevie says, relieved that she’s thinking of being safe and mentally noting to mention it to Madame Tucker when they call next week, having skipped yesterday due to it being the new years. He’s sure she’ll be fine with him giving Robin the address, but it’s better to check those sort of things.
“I am smart,” Robin points out, which makes Eddie snort and mutter: “That makes one of us.”
“You’re plenty smart too, Eds,” Stevie sighs. “Stop that.”
“Then you’re also smart,” Eddie challenges.
Stevie wants to protest, but doubts that it will be useful. She has never been academically gifted or fast on the uptake most times. However, his friends refuse to let him talk like that about himself, claiming that he’s smart socially, whatever that means. So, she just rolls her eyes and says: “Sure, whatever. We’re three geniuses over here.”
That makes Eddie and Robin laugh, which is contagious enough for Stevie to join in. Their laughter filling the soft morning with delight and family.
It’s nearly 11:00 AM when they finally roll out of bed and Eddie and Robin insist on doing the dishes. Normally Stevie would fight them, wanting to be useful and not minding the tasks, however, she lets herself be convinced, starting to trust that Eddie and Robin don’t care about that and just want him around.
While they’re doing that, Stevie showers and gets dressed in something other than his pajamas that is still comfortable. Then gets Eddie’s gift and a book he got for Robin.
Eddie and Robin are sitting at the table, so he joins them and slides them over. Robin raises her brow at the surprise gift, before unwrapping it and gasping. She thanks Stevie profusely and has to fight to not start reading immediately.
Meanwhile, Eddie is studying his gift with a curious look, before unwrapping it with the grace of a five year old. The wrapping paper reveals a new DnD book and some new strings for his guitar. Gleefully Eddie thanks him, saying she didn’t need to do that.
“No, but I wanted to,” he shrugs. “I have been saving for Christmas next to my other saving and I used some of the money from my parent’s furniture. This is a much better cause, trust me. I wouldn’t have done it otherwise.”
“Alright, if you’re sure,” Eddie says.
“Of course I’m sure,” Stevie rolls her eyes. “You and Robs got me a Le Creuset pan. Like, a real Le Creuset. Fucking hell.”
“It was mostly personal gain,” Robin grins.
“Yeah, we’re gonna be eating the food you make in it,” Eddie adds.
Neither of them mention how Stevie had yelled, before pulling both of them into the biggest hug, claiming that it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for him, before nearly tearing up about it when the two had given it before Robin’s mom came to pick her up on Christmas.
Stevie is glad to forget it, so she just shrugs and says: “It’s just a nice fucking pan.”
Just after lunch the gremlins come by, all thanking Stevie for the gifts and gushing about how nice the surprise was when they woke up. Contentment settling in Stevie’s bones at their excitement, which turns to amused fondness when they bully Eddie into making them the hot chocolate now, then drag them all into making snowmen outside.
All the snowmen are fucking ugly, but that doesn’t matter. They’re all red nosed and smiling when it’s done and that’s the most important part anyway.
When it starts to get late Stevie drives all of them home, scolding them for biking over the frozen and dangerous roads. Once returned, Eddie and Robin have welcomed Wayne, who couldn't make yesterday’s party due to an emergency at the plant.
It’s adorable how excited Eddie is to host his uncle and give him the same hospitality that was granted to him all those years ago when he showed up on his doorstep.
Wayne obviously thinks the same and doesn’t argue much as he is delegated to a chair which he is not allowed to come out of, unless it’s to take a piss. No helping allowed.
A pro of the small house is that they can continue to talk to him as they prepare dinner. Stevie is in charge as always, enjoying her rule of the kitchen. However, Eddie and Robin have found their place in his chaos, cutting and cleaning, making it a smoother process.
Dinner itself is also nice. Now that they’re open with Wayne (mostly, but Stevie’s working on it), it seems that conversation is also easier. They can share experiences and listen to stories of Wayne, who tells them about his time and how far they’ve come and that there is hope.
Not to mention that Wayne is also a goldmine for embarrassing Eddie stories, which the two have no qualms about draining. He even brought a few pictures to add to their collection this time and they giggle over moody fourteen year old Eddie making clumsy devil horns, hair still growing out, giving him cute curls.
By the time Wayne has to leave for work, they’ve been promised some baby pictures too and are all feeling as light as a feather.
Then it’s just the three of them, though Robin is getting ready to get back home, complaining: “It’s like she thinks that you can only get pregnant if you stay two nights, which isn’t remotely true and disgusting that she thinks I’m sleeping with either of you.”
“Robs, you’re breaking my heart,” Eddie jests, while Stevie makes a sympathetic noise as he puts on his shoes.
“Fuck off, Eddie,” Robin rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling again.
“I’m just saying that I have great genetics,” Eddie shrugs with a shit eating grin
“Ieww, gross, don’t say that,” Robin wrinkles her nose. “That’s worse than Stevie saying boobies ten times in a row.”
“Boobies is a valid word,” Stevie protests as Eddie cackles.
“No, it’s not,” Robin argues, only stopping to kiss Eddie’s cheek and hug him goodbye, Stevie waving as they leave, while Robin picks up the boobies argument again.
It’s familiar, an easy back and forth that Stevie lets himself get lost in for a moment. Ever since telling the others about her resolution, she’s been on a roll and she is trying to ride that wave for as long as it will take her. That means talking to Eddie. Tonight. Before he looses his nerve.
When she gets back, the dishes have been done and the table cleared. Eddie is waiting with two wafting mugs, greeting him when she comes in.
Stevie sinks down in a chair gratefully. Today was fun, so much fun, but the kids can be tiring, especially since they went to bed late. However, she’s not so tired that it’s an excuse not to do this, so after she has enjoyed a sip, he says: “Remember how I’m taking emotional risks?”
Eddie nods, but doesn’t say anything, which he is grateful for. If Eddie says something right now, she’ll probably not say it.
“I think we need to talk about what happened on Christmas,” he spits it out, ripping off the band aid so that he can’t take it back. “I want to try, if you’re still offering.
With the confession, Eddie lights up and he gets out of his chair. Stevie is confused at it and it’s only when Eddie is already halfway down the hall that he calls back: “I made lists in case this happened. Wait one sec!” as an explanation.
Guess they’re really doing this.
~~
A/N:
I never really said it before, but if college isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You can be perfectly happy without a college degree (and you can always change your mind, no shame!) <3
Also not me being very queer but having to google how to be a good ally because my mind just went blank lmao, the secret service must be very fucking confused about me rn xp
#rr writing#tw: misgendering#genderqueer steve harrington#stranger things fic#stranger things#eddie lives au#steve harrington#eddie munson#robin buckley#eddie munson & steve harrington & robin buckley#platonic stobin#platonic steddie#steddie#dustin henderson#max mayflied#eleven hopper#nancy wheeler#jonathan byers#lucas sinclair#will byers#mike wheeler#jim hopper#joyce byers#the party stranger things#erica sinclair#st the party#st post season 4#Life Is Ours We Live It Our Way#Life Is Ours We Live It Our Way Chapter 11
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my mom just tried to talk to me again and like. i can’t even bring myself to say it out loud to her. i’m so fine being out to friends and even strangers but my mom? i can’t do it. like she knows but she doesn’t actually know anything specific or real, just that i’m not straight and like. i’m so scared i’m so so scared
#bc i like#didn’t truly ~come out~ as queer to anyone i just started talking about girls and let people fill in the gaps#when i realized i’m a lesbian i did specifically update people bc i was excited and proud but like#this is so different#and so scary#and i don’t know#like she’s told me she loves me no matter what and she just wants to know so she can process#but i still can’t like#say it#anyway i’m panicking and watching try guys tie dye to calm myself down#idk#i’m not having a good time rn#mine
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deeeep dive into why and how wei wuxian and lan wangji love each other, complete each other, are the inverse reflection of each other’s deeply hidden internal selves mirrored through the other’s external self, lan wangji’s inner wildness that he has to conceal and protect recognizing and loving wei wuxian’s outer wildness, wei wuxian’s deep, fuddy-duddy morality and values that he conceals with an elaborate subterfuge of jokes, mischief, and bravado, seeing and loving in lan wangji the ability to say no that it was never safe for him to express directly, “between you and me there is no need for thank you and sorry”
oh and a slight diversion midway through into a manifesto on WEI WUXIAN IS NOT INSECURE the whole story is about a society where being liked is ESSENTIAL for survival and it is actually completely perilous not to be liked, and his “people pleasing” is a skill and tool for his survival especially as an orphan and proven to be a necessary one when he stops doing it and STOPS SURVIVING
after the cut discussing the very interesting dynamics of consent in general in the novel, but not going into the consensual non-consent kink stuff till the last paragraph if you need to avoid for any reason.
I've been thinking about how Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian the exterior, unfettered expression of the wildness Lan WangJi holds in him and protects with rigid codes of conduct, propriety and outward dignity.
I have had this sense that these two are mirrors, either one reflecting the hidden, interior (and unallowed) self of the other. but it seemed more clear from Lan WangJi's side, especially knowing about his history with his mother and the spicy side that emerges when he drinks and in the extras.
I also - just... the way this whole story shows how romantic love is truly this longing for your self, to become yourself, to become the thing you're not allowed to be, seeing in that person the expression of whatever it is you can't become and longing for it, protecting it, joining with it as closely as you can without ever being able to let it live inside your own body.
On the surface it seems a lot more difficult for Wei WuXian to find a piece of his soul in Lan Wangji. I think its a bit too simplistic to see whatever draws Wei WuXian to Lan Wangji as a reverse-psychology sort of craving of acceptance from the only one who won't give it, pushing and pushing against this impenetrable boundary that he needs to break to feel assurance that no matter what he can make anyone accept him.
And he is SO drawn - in a mind boggling way, in the teenage flashbacks Lan WangJi rudely and aggressively throws him off over and over and Wei WuXian cannot keep away! Even when he talks about how boring Lan WangJi is, he never stops trying to be around him and talk to him.
I've seen discussions of the way Wei WuXian has always relied on the goodwill of others to survive, and that his placating of others to survive is a character flaw. Although that seems only halfway true.
As a young child he didn't have anyone's goodwill for a while and he survived, and it seems like he can always find a way to survive from whatever means and sometimes very limited resources he has at his disposal. Doing what he has to do to become powerful enough to survive losing his core and being thrown into the burial mounds slowly costs him the goodwill of everyone around him - and what happens to him as a result shows how much placation was a truly necessary for someone without the protection of biological/hereditary family bonds.
(Don’t get me started on how his loss of his golden core and his development of demonic cultivation to give himself power by ‘unnatural methods’ through the use of a musical instrument is a metaphor for disability and the way ableist society sees the use of accessibility devices and tools. Actually please DO get my started haha.)
Wei WuXian is so charismatic and seems very used to getting what he wants and needs on the strength of that. He pushes a lot of boundaries and seems pretty confident and flexibly prepared to handle the consequences, whether beatings or harsh words. But he does work so hard to make others feel good, good with him, good with themselves.
When he is in the cave with Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian is described as "like one who forgets all past pain as soon as the wound heals". He can't resist coming up beside Lan WangJi and talking to him again and again after every time Lan WangJi pushes him off, only finally staying away when Lan WangJi bites him (and he still keeps trying to talk to him after a little bit!) and then calls him an awful person (!!! Bad Wangji! :(((( ). In the end, when Lan WangJi (very minimally) discloses what happened to his sect and his father, and even cries, because of all the defences/assaults Lan WangJi has put up Wei WuXian can't do anything or say anything to help and feels miserable.
Lan WangJi just absolutely refuses to allow Wei WuXian to take care of him - and I began to wonder maybe that’s what Wei WuXian actually really likes about him? Why he is unable to resist coming up to Lan WangJi again and again? Maybe because Lan WangJi refuses to let Wei WuXian appease him. He’s not trying to crack Lan WangJi to get to this impenetrable place of approval and acceptance. In a way he can’t quite understand, Lan WangJi is a respite for Wei WuXian from the constant work to be the one who pleases.
And how different this is to how Wei WuXian is (or has to be) with Jiang Cheng when he wakes up in Lotus Pier after the cave. Jiang Cheng gets so down and really really needs Wei WuXian to do what he does so well (and wasn’t allowed to do with Lan WangJi) - chasing Jiang Cheng down while being injured and reassuring him about all his insecurities about his father's acceptance and becoming a sect leader and Wei WuXian's own abilities excelling his - and at first Jiang Cheng is pushing him away, but he really does need Wei WuXian to do all this to feel better.
Wei WuXian is described as not wanting to be lonely, and not wanting to see other people unhappy, and he keeps trying to push and pull with whatever he has to not be lonely and lift the mood for those around him. I don't think it's a kind of codependency or insecurity. It’s not that Wei WuXian is afraid to say no, in fact I would say he doesn't do anything he doesn't want to do, but he must always do it creatively, with humour. Similarly to Nie Huaisang, he uses a persona of foolishness to give himself a covert agency.
I also think I'm writing this because I don't like seeing this discussed as a sad bean character flaw for him to always need to be liked - its a strategy, its a tool, its how he survives and excels. Doesn’t the whole story prove how essential being liked is to a human’s survival? And he is so so good at being liked, in making others happy, even when he is refusing to do what others want from him that he doesn't want to do, he does it in a way that deflects criticism, with a smiling bravado that never says what it truly means and has people writing him off as shameless or foolish or just endearing himself toward them despite themselves.
He is always at work really, with jokes and flattery or mischief and teasing, to get the resources he wants and needs. Case and point, when he makes a big coquettish show for mianmian, definitely not being "people pleasing" for her, but the group of girls around them all find it funny and cute and in the end she gives him a perfume sachet which ends up being a valuable resource for later. Or the time he outright tells Jiang Cheng that if you give the girls some lotus seeds they'll remember you and return the favour in the future. (Also notice how his interactions with girls seen as flirtatious are actually strategic resource-gathering acts.) These are the skills he has developed to meet his own needs. (THIS IS NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. I REPEAT.) He takes what he needs and steals from the Lotus Pier markets knowing it'll be paid for, he lives like he never know when his next windfall will come from so he'll take what he can when he can find it. Like Jiang Fengmian said, if there is no guarantee of a meal in the future then today's meal should still be enjoyed. It’s how Wei WuXian said to Nie Huaisang at Cloud Recesses, you have to find ways to make your own fun out of whatever you have. So he gets kicked out of class, goes fishing, gets alcohol, he pursues his own pleasure. He actually is quite insistent of his own agency and right to choose, he just can never directly say no.
And that little detail that Wei WuXian always tucks coins into his clothes just in case, that makes him able to buy food when he and Jiang Cheng are on the run... breaks my heart and reveals so much about the way Wei WuXian is constantly at work on ensuring his own survival and never takes for granted whether he is safe (he knows he never is).
I've seen some people talking about Wei WuXian sacrificing so much for his brother and sister out of a need to be accepted out of a chronic sense of insecurity. But isn’t this just true? Doesn't he live in a world where being accepted is absolutely essential for survival? Doesn’t this whole story show the cruelty of a social system based on networks of hereditary/biological family that closes out and scapegoats any outsiders, and that without biological family connections that can enclose around you, you can never truly be safe if not constantly working to earn acceptance? (And then beautifully ends with the way a gay romantic relationship that queers marriage/family/etc disrupts all this and creates safety and inclusion for Wei WuXian without needing a normative family.) (AKA romantic love does not resolve some internal personal problem in Wei WuXian but disrupts and refuses and rebels against the problem of SOCIETY.) (*breathes heavily*)
And that’s why Lan WangJi is magnetizing to Wei WuXian. Lan WangJi is always saying no. Although what Lan WangJi sees in Wei WuXian is an exterior wildness, Wei WuXian is not really out of control so much as he is playing and caring and supplicating and showing off and pleasing people to get the resources and the acceptance he needs to live his life. He has firm values and desires that he can never outwardly state, only creatively spinning plates to distract and deflect while he refuses what goes against his values, protects who he cares for, or takes what he needs to in order to survive/thrive. Lan WangJi embodies an exterior of resoluteness and direct agency that Wei WuXian doesn't have the luxury of. And he's so drawn to him for his ability to repeatedly say no, to refuse to get along, or make others laugh, make other people happy, but just simply follow what he thinks is right.
Wei WuXian’s outward wild movement protects an inward stillness. He is an exterior of people-pleasing around an interior of refusal. He is an exterior of youthful rebellion around an interior of unflinching morality. He sees in Lan WangJi the outward expression of his stillness, his morality, his resistance that he can't express, that he's had to protect.
FYI after the cut gets more into the dynamics of consent in the story, and the last paragraph directly talks about consensual non-consent kink play in wangxian’s relationship.
When Wei WuXian is with Lan WangJi, there is no work to be done. Lan WangJi cannot be swayed by him, and so there's no point vying for resources or favors. Lan WangJi will either give him everything or refuse him everything based on who he is, it does not matter what Wei WuXian does and he can't do anything that will change Lan WangJi’s mind. Someone he literally can't win over. After the resurrection, they are often in an adorable tug of war, where Wei WuXian tries to take care of Lan WangJi, while Lan WangJi won't allow him to but demands to care of Wei WuXian right back. Actually, Lan WangJi insists that Wei WuXian take everything he wants or needs from him and is even angry when he doesn't take or when Wei WuXian tries to offer a gesture in return, even something as simple as a thank you Lan WangJi won't accept. It’s kind of adorable how frustrated Wei WuXian is in doing this thing he's learned that he needs to do, and just... so confused by Lan WangJi, and has to find a way to please this person who aggressively refuses to be pleased and is ONLY pleased by Wei WuXian being pleased.
(Not to mention the way Wei WuXian delights in finding that Lan WangJi can’t say what he wants, and they have sort of these chaotic cohesive both-being-so-pleased-by-working-hard-to-please each-other moments where Wei WuXian is letting Lan WangJi please him by finding out what pleases Lan WangJi and giving it to him.)
The wildness Lan WangJi had always hidden within himself is something he sees as just as dangerous as Wei WuXian thinks of his desire to refuse. He saw his mother be socially alienated, shunned, and eventually die because of her wildness. His ability to survive in the world, aka to be accepted by his family, is contingent on him being able to control this inner wildness. From a young age (re: Phoenix Mountain kiss) he could only understand his sexual desires for Wei WuXian as something repulsive or dangerous that had to be repressed and controlled, and that the only way he could imagine his desires as possible was as non-consensual. His secret gay desires were never available to him as anything but something monstrous.
Importantly, it’s not like everyone else other than Lan WangJi are all vampires cruelly demanding Wei WuXian’s constant sacrifice. Wei WuXian is always vibrantly, charismatically offering so much, before anyone has asked. It’s Wei WuXian who creates this kind of relationship for himself again and again. It’s Lan WangJi who simply refuses - he refuses to charmed, to be cared for. And so in the end Lan WangJi becomes the one person who Wei WuXian feels doesn't need anything from him. When he says he's eating the corpse's fruit to save Lan WangJi money and Lan WangJi says that will never be necessary. Or when Wei WuXian asks what toy he should win for Lan WangJi at the market game, and Lan WangJi says anything Wei WuXian gets will be the one he wants. (XD stahhhhp it’s too sweet !!!) He really just wants Wei WuXian to be, to exist, to spend his life discovering his own desires and allow Lan WangJi to help satisfy them, he doesn't want anything from Wei WuXian other than him living - happy and safe.
It takes someone like Lan WangJi to refuse Wei WuXian’s aggressive generosity, it’s definitely not an easy thing to say no to Wei WuXian, dazzling or annoying people so chaotically before they even realize there’s something to say no to. The sacrifice he gives to Jiang Cheng, he never even offers a choice - and perhaps it would have been too much for Jiang Cheng to accept if he had the chance.
Lan WangJi’s statement "Between us there is no need for thank you and sorry" seems like one of the most important sentences in the novel, and you can’t help but noticed the way “sorry” and “thank you” is littered meaningfully through the book. What is owed, what the characters owe to each other, the give and take, touches every part of the story (down to wangxian's erotic explorations!).
When Jiang Cheng talks to Wei WuXian at the Guanyin temple he makes a lot of contradictory statements about what Wei WuXian owes, what he was given, what he took, what he (Wei WuXian still) is owed in return. Wei WuXian, according to Jiang Cheng, took everything from the Jiang clan, and paid them back with their deaths. The Jiang clan give him his life when they took him in, and he owed Jiang Cheng service for the rest of his life as the right hand to the sect leader, that’s what Wei WuXian had promised anyway. At the same time, Wei WuXian sacrificed everything (his golden core) to Jiang Cheng, by giving everything he was taking one more thing - Jiang Cheng’s right to even be angry at him. Jiang Cheng had taken everything from Wei WuXian. Everything that happened around Wei WuXian after could be said to be because of the loss of his golden core, which Jiang Cheng might be said to be responsible for. But he never asked for it, maybe he never would have wanted it. He wishes Wei WuXian told him, but Jiang Cheng never told Wei WuXian his golden core was melted while he was sacrificing himself to save Wei WuXian. He wants Wei wuxian to say sorry, but that makes him feel pathetic. And Jiang Cheng says sorry too. It’s a mess of paradoxes, and in the end somehow it seems like the scales are balanced in the most hollow, dismal way.
What is owed, what is given, what is taken ... Wei WuXian has never been part of a family. He has always had to say thank you and sorry for everything he's taken. Wei WuXian himself admits that he used "thank you" as a way to enforce distance between himself and Lan WangJi. Lan WangJi's point i think is that they belong to each other, Wei WuXian is his, and he is Wei WuXian's, unconditionally. The way that Jiang Cheng speaks of him in the Guanyin temple (admittedly I read a fan translation and this is very nuanced, related to slight variations of grammar), even when Jiang Cheng clearly is so broken by the loss of Wei WuXian from his life, he talks about Wei WuXian as an outsider. It is what MY family gave to YOU, never what you took from our family. But at one point Wei WuXian was part of their family - but he takes too much, and becomes an ex-disciple, not a brother. Wei WuXian’s inclusion as a Jiang was always conditional.
Even when Wen Qing and Wen Ning leave him to go take the blame for qiongqing path they tell him "thank you and sorry", drawing a line between them and him, so he doesn’t even belong to these people who he sacrificed everything for. The way Wei WuXian acted when he was younger, he was always keenly aware of this - he always knew that he didn’t belong to anyone, no one is going to protect him unconditionally. And after first escaping the Burial Mounds, he is done pretending. When Lan WangJi warns him about what a demonic cultivation path will do to his heart, Wei WuXian replies: “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?” He is done pleasing. Nothing has changed really, he still belongs to no one and is alone, but now he is angry about it, and instead of saying thank you and sorry he is going to become too powerful to be at anyone's mercy. And then we see in the story afterward what happens to people who don't say thank you and sorry.
The whole point I think is the impossibility of choice, the impossibility of consent in this society. If he didn't forgo the behaviour his social acceptance was conditional on, he wouldn't have survived the burial mounds. But once he becomes powerful enough to survive and get revenge on the Wens, he is socially outcast. Except he was already outcast from the beginning.
And so how do Wei WuXian and Lan WangJi find a way through all that to a life together where all their desires are possible, where Wei WuXian can say no while also being pleasing (safe) to others, and Lan WangJi can indulge in his wild desires while still being good? The answer is kinky sex!
It is kind of miraculous and beautiful how Wei WuXian finds a way to say no, while simultaneously pleasing Lan WangJi, giving pleasure, while taking it, saying no, and knowing his refusal is not just tolerated, but gives Lan WangJi pleasure, knowing Lan wangji and knowing the painful belief Lan WangJi holds within that his desires are unacceptable and unspeakable, and that Wei WuXian can take care of Lan Wangji in a secret little way and please him and give everything to him by craving this wildness in Lan WangJi while at the same time he gets to say no again and again , and it won't push Lan WangJi away, he can refuse everything while at the same time be totally pleasing and thus safe, and also for Lan WangJi, Wei WuXian's pleasure at saying "no" while still being held onto, that he genuinely wants to be fucked even while begging Lan WangJi to stop (and the many ways he does give his consent for this throughout, especially their first time), allows Lan WangJi the ecstatic feeling that this idea that his sexual desires are only possible through force are not just something his lover forgives him for but something his lover is SO turned on by, and that he has consent for his fantasies of non-consent, Wei WuXian has the same fantasies from the other side, he is doing what he is supposed to while doing what he shouldn't, and actually these monstrous feelings in him allow him to take care of Wei WuXian in a way that he needs - that they both need - and all these impulses that are so wrong with Wei WuXian become very right and a way to do good. And they are just both so perfect and perfect for each other and I love them and I am so happy for them to have a long kinky life together.
#wangxian#mdzs#mdzs meta#holds wei wuxian close and murmurs into his hair 'no one knows you like i know you baby'
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Hi! can I request bo, jennifer, poly billy and St, and Carrie with a genderqueer so whos in a rock band and dresses and looks alot like slash hudson, I love your blog by the way 😊
Hey! Thank you so much!
I really love this ask, thank you for letting me have the honor of writing it~
Bo, Stu, Billy, Carrie, and Jennifer with a genderqueer black s/o who’s in a rock band:
Honestly, I think Stu would be genderqueer themselves, so now you know someone who understands you fully!!
Billy is happily there to support and love on the both of you
They both adore your style. It made them both stop in their tracks when they first laid eyes on you. Easily the most amazing person they’ve ever met
Your style reminds them of the black and white photos of the cool people back in the 80′s you’d see online. And I mean that in the best way possible, those people were THE scene back then. And you’re bringing it back even now
When they found out that you were in a rock band and that the name of it is Gender Breakers, they flipped with how amazing that name is. like??!!! How much more perfect can you get.
Support and go to all of your shows/performances
Stu is always the one you hear yelling. How he can be louder than the music is beyond me
Surprisingly, Billy will dance and jam to your music. He actually has a few songs downloaded on his phone
Support you 100% in whatever you do or get into. They both love you!
Super curious~
She’s never seen anyone in town dress the way you and your friends do.
She stands there and stares dead at you. It’s a lil weird 😶 but she means no harm!
Likes your style and look so much that you often catch her staring at you a lot. It’s kinda cute
You being genderqueer is interesting and confusing for her at first. She’s still learning about the world and different people since her mom shelters her so much. Got that girl on lockdown🔐.
Eventually she starts to catch on after asking a ton of questions. Actually, she starts to think about her identity and how she feels about who she is
“Whoa, a band? Can I come watch??What’s the name of it??” She’s in awe of how talented you are.
The name of the band was Hemoglobin Destroyers. badass
She’s so excited to sneak out and go to a show! It’s her first ‘concert’ she’s truly been to and she’s hyped
It’s super loud!!!! But it gets her blood pumping as she’s jumping up and down watching you all perform
Rock is definitely her scene, so she’ll know who you are before y’all meet; she’s seen you perform with your band, the Gay Lemonades
That band name really stuck with her since it’s so unique. And y’alls style was so much different than all the other band she’s seen.
Plus, there isn’t a lot of black rock bands where y’all are from (ironic)
Jenny wants to rock the same style as you (although she doesn’t think she can pull it off as good as you).
You direct her to some good online black owned clothing stores you get them from. It’s expensive but worth it.
Will not hesitate to correct anyone who gets your pronouns wrong, even when you aren’t around
Shows you off to everyone at school, Jen is proud to be dating you❤️
At your performances she doesn’t ‘hunt’, wants to give her full attention to you and your band the whole time
Photoshoots are a must! The photos are plastered everywhere
Simple country bro himbo doesn’t know what’s going on🧍🏻♂️. He’s just there with his brothers and their museum
But he knows he likes you well enough
Met you when your band was rolling through and stopped to see the museum. Bo was curious by your look (and a bit lovestruck).
That’s the only reason why he didn’t attempt to wax y’alls ass lol
Really doesn’t understand about anything involving gender, sexuality, identities, etc.
So when you talk about it, it’s like you can see the “?” form above his head
You don’t think he’ll ever get it but he listens and supports you anyway. And gets your pronouns right since the beginning
Your band’s name is In[queer]y. He thinks it’s a nice play on the word.
“Dang, y’all smart. I woulda never thought of that”
Out of his element whenever he goes to your performances but enjoys it anyway
You often go to him for music advice about lyrics and how the songs sound so far
He’s a blunt guy (at least with you) so he will tell you if it’s good the way it is or if things need to be changed
Anyone who comes along and tries to be mean to you doesn’t even get the chance to be turned into wax. Alive ----> Dead just like that.
#Anonymous#slasher x reader#bo sinclair#jennifer check#carrie the musical#stu matcher#billy loomis#slasher x black reader#bo sinclair x reader#jennifer check x reader#carrie white x reader#stu x reader x billy
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Adventures in Aphobia #3
My last two Adventures in Aphobia both took on similar flavors of eye-rolling at shameless, obvious bigotry to anyone willing to look or care. But today, I found a different type of aphobia, and I’m actually eager to talk about this one. Have a read of this first.
Look, the bar of respect for ace people is so low it’s all the way in hell, but I mean, to many people, especially allosexual people, they may look at this post and think, “No, this isn’t aphobia. The poster wasn’t blatantly cruel.” But what some fail to realize is that politeness can be the thinnest of veils over the ugliest of takes. Polite bigotry gaslights the victims into thinking they can’t be upset about this.
So what’s the deal with this post?
PARAGRAPH #1 starts off innocently enough, saying ace discourse wouldn’t exist if people recognized complex relationships to sex and relationships. Even taken on its own, I do not agree with this. Ace discourse ranges all the way from outright denial of asexual existence to the strong hatred for and exclusion of aces from the queer community. Nearly everyone recognizes people have complex relationships to sex...that...that doesn’t mean ace people won’t be discriminated against. In fact, it’s an argument aphobes use constantly to try and gaslight ace people into erasing themselves. Ace discourse comes from a lot of places, but at the end of the day, it all stems from people’s refusal to acknowledge ace people and their unique experiences. This poster absolutely does not get to say “IT’s CoMpLicAteD”, and expect ace people to just disappear. Honestly, it’d be better and more honest if they said “Lol, ace people should go fuck themselves and hop to the back of the line with everyone else.”
PARAGRAPH #2 and #3 are not very objectionable on their own. Everything said is true. Society has very complicated views on sex, and life happens to all people. The ugly part of this is that the poster is setting up an argument here in which they will hand wave ace people into the “everyone else” crowd and pretend as if we’re all just too similar and no labels should even exist.
This is literally what enby-phobes do. They say “Well, gender is COMPLICATED”, which is true, but then they say “So like...aren’t we all really nonbinary when we think about it? Why should enby people label themselves?” I swear we’ve all seen this. The poster is agender. This argument could easily be whipped in their face. Different forms of bigotry can share very clear overlaps, and it’s very important to acknowledge where these arguments come from and why they exist. It exists as a way to shut people up. It happens to bi people too! Every day, people come out as bi and someone tells them “pff, everyone thinks girls are hot. I had a crush on my best friend once, that doesn’t mean I’m not straight! All people are like this!” Let’s call out this erasure where we see it. It’s not the same thing, and if anyone saying stuff like this truly believes what they’re saying, maybe they’re the ones who need to reevaluate their own identity.
PARAGRAPH #4 dips its ugly toes straight into blatant aphobia, having the gall to call ace and aro people “obsessed” with pretending their relationships with sex and romance are wholly unique and different. Nah, fuck right off with that bullshit. The poster even goes on to say ace people have created entire new social classes. Uh...WHAT? Is there some secret ace society with a caste system living in the shadows?? What is this person talking about?? I suppose you can’t be a true bigot unless you have some vague grievance to weakly hand-gesture at that you couldn’t prove given 20 years to do so. For the love of my sanity, just say you hate ace people! It’s okay! (I mean, not actually, but Jesus Christ does it save us all some time). They also say things like “somehow excluded from”. Replace asexual people with nonbinary people and take a joyride through this section, because the arguments are scarily similar. What would it take for this poster to acknowledge ace and aro people have their own experiences? Seriously, what? What holds you back from doing this?
It’s also funny to note the actual lack of substance to this argument. The poster is not giving any specific examples or even bringing up what being ace and aro mean. Yes, there is a pretty noticeable difference between feeling sexual attraction and not feeling sexual attraction. How many “allo” people do you know that say they’ve NEVER experienced this? Come on. The poster reduces asexuality and aromanticism down to allo people’s, in their own words, hyper-specific contexts where they don’t want sex or love. At least the poster admits any circumstance that allo people are comparable to ace people are extremely specific. But for real, are we hinging a whole argument on a few very specific examples of allo people having some similarity to ace people?
“Nothing about your relationship to sex or love makes you more or less LGBT. If you are gay and don’t want to have sex, ever, you are still gay. “
Mini strawman alert for the idea any ace person thinks you’re less gay if you’re also ace. And bonus points for an aphobe who refuses to use the definition of asexuality: not experiencing sexual attraction, and instead goes for “don’t want to have sex”. For the last. Fucking. Time. Not wanting to have sex and being asexual are NOT the same. Don’t make me pour gasoline in my eyes every time I see this.
After this, the poster goes on a tangent, which by the tone, seems to think it's very inspiring, and says no matter how you want to have sex (including only certain days of the week), you’re still straight! It’s so fucking condescending and gross to talk ace people out of their own identity like this.
“EVERY person who is heterosexual is different in how they perform or experience.”
Oh. My. GOD. THEY DIDN’T EVEN SAY STRAIGHT. THEY SAID HETEROSEXUAL. WUGGYUEGYUG. God help me. Can one be both bisexual and heterosexual? No…? Okay. So then. How is one both asexual AND heterosexual? What single brain cell in this poster’s head was responsible for this Chad of a sentence? I—
*deep breath*
So. It’s interesting how the poster says “perform or experience it”. Asexuality is an identity. It is not a performance, and it is not defined by your actions. A straight person not having sex does not become asexual. And sure...people with the same label can experience their sexuality differently, but...to a point, guys. You can’t experience your sexuality out of the DEFINITION of the label. Heterosexual: Sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Asexual: Sexual attraction to no one. If a “heterosexual” isn’t sexually attracted to anyone, they are by definition, not heterosexual. It takes insane mental gymnastics to make this argument, so A for flexibility, I guess?
“Gayness, straightness, and bisexuality are not defined by HOW you do or don’t want sex or HOW you do or don’t want to date, it’s just defined by WHO you want to be with.”
The first part of the sentence is correct, but it also defeats this person’s entire argument. Ace people AGREE with this. Being asexual is not the act of not having sex!! It’s not experiencing sexual attraction! You can google this! The second part of the sentence is mostly correct, depending on your interpretation. The issue is in part with the words the poster used: gayness, straightness and bisexuality. These words are not all equivalents. Gay could refer to sexual and or romantic orientation. Thus an ace gay person. Straightness is not actually an equal word to gayness. This is because straight is an exclusive term for a normative sexuality (in society’s eyes) in terms of sexual and romantic attraction. Some ace people DO call themselves straight, though it’s inaccurate. Ace people can be heteroromantic, but because being straight is so exclusive, you need to be both sexually AND romantically attracted to only the opposite gender.
The post basically ends telling ace people they’re all actually straight and were just confused the whole time. Lovely. And an erasure of gay aces too! Believe it or not, gay ace people do not like having their ace identities erased. Who’d have guessed?
Honestly, if anything this post is just kind of sad. A sad reflection of what people believe and how they truly do not see their own bigotry. They believe they’re freeing ace people from an incorrect label. They’re the heroes.
They’ll say “it’s okay, you’re not asexual” as if they've like...lifted a burden off of ace people. Like, “Oh, you think I’m not asexual? Cool, cool. Glad you cleared that up for me!” It’s sad how aphobes think, some very genuinely, that asexuality is just some high school party that went off the rails, and we’re all just coming out of the drunken haze, ready to go home. Ready to all laugh about it later, tease one another about how wild and silly it all was.
Having your identity erased like this is fucking horrible, and I hope people like this can take a look in the mirror and see themselves clearly. All ace and aro people have a right to their identity, whether gay, bi, heteroromantic or anything else. End of story.
#discourse#queer discourse#LGBT discourse#Adventures in Aphobia#ace discourse#asexual discourse#aphobia#ace#ace discrimination#asexual#asexuality#aromantic#aro#LGBT#queer#rant#why does this post think it's so intellegent#why did this post try so hard to sound nice at first#it's still aphobia
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Hello ! Do you write for queer reader ? If so, may you please write a Lance x Male reader, where they were long time best friends before (TO) Lance loves reader but as the last dragon he thinks it’s his duty to continue the legacy so never aknowledges his feelings wich leads him to be quite depressed, until Erika-I-stick-my-nose-everywhere find out somehow and build a plan with others to confront both about it ?
Thank you !
Hey there! Thank u for your ask, I loved the prompt! And I'm sorry for the delay, my relative is still hospitalized but he's better😊.
Also, of course I write queer, I'm part of the community and even though Eldarya doesn't have queer options regarding the MC I think it's interesting to treat other possibilities.
This one's structure was a bit different from the one I normally use. My amazing beta @rina-nanashiro and I have come to the conclusion that would be better to use the first person singular and the omniscient narrator to correctly portrait each character thoughts.
For this one, let's say that the plot is settled not long before Lance becomes the chief of the obsidian guard and Erika arrived 4 years earlier.
Also, whether the MC is human, faerie or faelian is up to you. I didn't dwell on any physical descriptions or mention his race.
To conclude, my ask box is closing soon. So if¡ anyone wants to request something, you have a couple of days to think about it.
Lance and a male MC have problems confessing their feelings and Erika meddles in under the cut
I carefully settled the dumbbells in the fresh grass, brushing away the light film of sweat, which covered my forehead, with the back of my hand.
Almost every day was a sunny one in the City of Eel. I have been told once that the shield surrounding the Head Quarters repelled rain and other natural phenomena, and I was delighted to enjoy the warm sunbeams, though as the day drew on, training in hot weather wasn't very pleasant.
A group of females crossed the gardens and threw a glance toward my bare, glimmering chest, sweat sliding down my pectorals and abs. One of them blushed while the other winked at me. The flustered one dragged her friend away while she couldn't help her giggling.
I was used to the attention. Such things would usually happen whether I was training shirtless and why not saying it, showing off a bit.
But those females’ attention... wasn't the one I was longing for.
As if my thinking was some kind of magnet, the object of my thoughts suddenly appeared in the Central Pavilion. I gulped and clumsily tried to fix my hair, using the fingers to comb the lost strands while Lance was engrossed in a conversation with Erika, laughing by his side.
"Hey, you" The girl gave me a sincere smile while Lance grabbed the nearest towel and threw it at my sweaty face not before smiling too. Jerk.
"Thank you, Lance.” I rolled my eyes seeking to restraint the smile of my own.
"Why are you training at this hour? It's too hot," asked Erika.
"The correct question would be why you are training and showing off at this hour." The dragon winked at me not before running his eyes over my bare chest.
I gulped for a second time and focused on the dumbbells on the ground, ignoring the warmth that settled in my chest and threatened to go down to my inner thigh. Yeah, it was indeed hot there.
"Well, it may be too hot for you both, but I enjoy the warmth." And while Erika simply didn't favour it, Lance was naturally more comfortable in cooler places. Disadvantages of being an ice dragon, I supposed. When the man opened up to the guardian and revealed his true nature, I was speechless.
It was a well-kept secret that not many knew and that such a closed-up person as Lance decided to give me that reliance meant the world for me. He didn't only trust me but wanted to show himself as he was. As the powerful and endangered being that he was. Keeping that secret all their lives made the twins wary of everyone, afraid of their reactions. But what I saw didn't frighten me. It made me want to know Lance more and unravel the person that hid behind that dense layer of steel and smugness.
"Oh come on, just admit it! You want to get tanned since summer is close!" Well, maybe that was another reason why I was training at this hour, but there was no way Erika was get away with it, so I hurled my towel, full of sweat, into my friend's face which made her grimace in disgust and Lance chortle.
"By the way, where's Valkyon? I need someone to back me up since apparently, you two have decided to bully me today." Valkyon had told Erika about his new nature as well. Before starting to hang out with the brothers, I didn't know much about the woman apart from her faelian condition, but we quickly befriended each other after spending time with the twins and meeting in several missions.
"He's been assigned to organize the armour's stock, so don't expect to hear from him in the next two hours," replied the brother.
Suddenly, a female elf popped next to us, most likely an acquaintance of the dragon. Her pink stare found Lance's, and she smiled sweetly at him as she spoke up
"The Obsidian Chief would like to meet with you. He's looking forward to discussing your promotion if you don't have any relevant matters at hand right now.”
"Yes, of course, just give me a moment." Lance turned to face me. "I came by to ask you if you're available after lunch. I've found some cool techniques in one of the books I'm reading and I thought you might be interested in learning them."
My chest tightened at the words, and after taking a deep breath I answered.
"Of course, I would love to." Lance parted from us undertaking to meet us at lunch with the rest. Normally, we would have lunch with Valkyon, Ezarel and Nevra, and sometimes Miiko, Yhkar and even Kero would join.
I sighed thinking about my last training with the Obsidian-Chief-to-be.
Lance was situated behind me, a firm hand holding my hip while the other grabbed my arm in a defensive position.
"You are doing it wrong. If anyone sees you with a posture like that one they'll mistake you for a novice lost on the battlefield. Let me teach you how to do it.”
I was painfully aware of my friend's figure pressed against my back. The warmth was sinking into my body, and I tried to think about pure things instead of embarrassing himself, but it was so difficult to focus on something else when his breath skimmed my ear and my butt was pressed against his-
"Hey."
"HEY."
"SNAP OUT OF IT, SCATTERBRAINED!" Erika brought me back from my memories with a hard slap to my head.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, VIOLENT MAD WOMAN?!" Geez, Erika could be really aggressive at times.
"I want to know what's going on with you" The young woman was directly looking at me with a clear stare. The kind of stare that made her violet eyes shine brighter. "And before you answer 'I don't know what you're talking about Erika, I'm perfectly fine' please, don't take me for a fool."
"I don't think you're a fool."
"I know something is going on with Lance. Every time he turns his back, you stare at him with that painful-but-loving look on your face and you sigh like he has taken your breath with him."
"I think you're a busybody."
"Come on, talk to me." I attempted to go away, but she grabbed my wrist. "I'm your friend. You know you can trust me."
"There's nothing to talk about. And nothing is going on with Lance either."
"Is it because you're both males? You know no one would-"
"It's not that!" I broke free from her grasp and finally addressed her. "I don't give a fuck if someone came insulting me or spitting shit on me or whatever. It just... It's Lance, we aren't talking about anyone." The problem wasn’t just that we were both males. It was far more complicated than that.
"And that means...?"
"It means he's a dragon. It means that apart from Valkyon, his race is extinct. He's born in a different league, and he shouldn't be with a male. He shouldn't be with me." I lost count of the times I wished Lance had been born as a female, or me, for that matter.
"You don't even know what he wants."
"I know what he deserves."
(But Erika didn't agree with him. Lance deserved someone that cared about him and not some random female that could give him offspring. And the guardian loved him. Deeply. She knew the second he met him he had a crush on Lance, and she could bet the dragon noticed as well. Come on, even Valkyon was aware of the guardian's feelings for his brother.
The one who didn't seem to realize Lance attempts to hit on him was the guardian. He was so dyed-in-the-wool that he didn't even consider the possibility that Lance could be interested in him as well. But she couldn't blame him: Lance himself was a mess of feelings.
The guardian wasn't wrong: Lance truly thought it was his duty to continue the legacy of his race, but he was conflicted between what he thought he had to do and what he desired, what meant taking one step towards his friend just to take two back. They were more and more miserable as each day passed and Erika couldn't stand seeing her loved ones like that.
What if they couldn't have offspring? Should they sacrifice their happiness just because they couldn't have kids? They love each other. They cared about each other. That should be enough.
But there was no use trying to convince them otherwise, so she did what she knew best: stick her nose into someone else's problems.
She conceived a plan to confront them: In three days, she would go on a mission. But at the last minute, she would remember that she had to deliver an urgent letter to Lance that he had to read immediately and she could ask the guardian to deliver it.
That way, when Lance opened the letter in front of the guardian, instead of coming across with an important document, he would find a text that said something of the sort "Actually, this whole thing was an excuse. I wanted to confess my feelings for you even if I didn't know how."
Yes, he would definitely kill her, but she wasn't going to sit in silence and watch how his possibilities of going out with Lance were decreasing each day, right? There were a lot of girls going after the twins, therefore if the guardian didn't hurry... Another one would do it.)
One morning, after I had accompanied Erika to the boat to wish her good luck in her mission and say goodbye, she let out an astonished gasp. "Oh no! I can't believe I forgot! Please, can you take this to Lance? It's something urgent, so tell him to open it the moment you give it to him!"
"I... Yes of course, do you know where he might be?"
After being told that at this hour he would probably be on the edge of the forest, I wasted no time and hurried up. Erika was a competent girl, but it wasn't a surprise that she sometimes forgot things like that. She could be hardworking and a mess with legs, but that made her more adorable.
I spotted the two brothers taking a stroll and conversating about something probably irrelevant since Valkyon seemed to be mocking his big brother. They were inseparable. Wherever Lance or Valkyon went, the other would tag along. It was truly heartwarming seeing how much they cared for and loved each other.
"Lance! Erika forgot to give you this." Both dragons instantaneously turned their heads to look at me, eyes clear and ready to listen to whatever I had to say. It was kind of funny to watch how seriously they take their roles. "She said that it was important and you should open it immediately."
When Lance opened the envelope, Valkyon took a step closer to his brother but after reading the first words, he squeezed his twin's shoulder and departed not saying a word.
When we were finally alone, Lance looked up to face me and muttered. "You finally came to talk about your feelings for me?"
Those eyes were clear as ice, and even though there was no trace of mockery, a heavyweight settled in my stomach. My...feelings for him? What the hell he was talking about?
I didn’t even say anything. I just gave the envelope that I had been tasked with and that was been all. At the sight of my confused mien, the dragon tended me to the letter.
I slowly took it, not leaving his eyes for a moment, and when he read I... My hands ripped it apart and tossed it somewhere in the woods without caring where it landed and hissed. "This was that busybody's doing!”
‘I wanted to discuss my feelings with you,’ she wrote.
I couldn't believe Erika had done that. It wasn't her affair and she had no right to meddle in someone else's business. How would she feel if I did that to her?
“Just... Look I'm sorry I can no-" The blood under my face was boiling, my whole body was boiling in shame and panic. I couldn't face him right now, I had to get the hell out of there.
I didn’t make it far before Lance gave me a firm grip on my wrist and said "Please, let's talk. This was my fault. I should have talked to you earlier, explain myself to you before anyone stuck their nose into this."
"What are we going to talk about, Lance?" I confronted him praying this new growing determination would not abandon me. "Do you want to talk about how you can't be with a male? How we are not meant to each other?"
"You know that's not true."
"Isn’t it?" I frowned and let a sad chuckle slip my lips. What a bastard. "You can't be with me, Lance. You deserve and want someone who can give you a family, that will bring you children, and I can't do that."
The dragon didn't so much talk. He couldn't say the proper words because I wasn't mistaken.
"There you have it." My voice cracked at the first word and I could have sworn something broke inside him as well seeing the gaze he gave me. "You may want me, but I'm not enough for you." Tears ran freely down my face like raindrops of a cold, cloudy day in winter. "Find a good mate, Lance. You have many admirers, so I don't think you'll have much trouble."
Lance couldn't stand it. He had never been a coward and that wouldn't be the first day he would start being one. He gently brought his hands to each side of his friend's arms and held him there. Firm but gently, he gripped him making sure he wouldn't go anywhere until he finished what the guardian deserved to hear.
"Look at me, please." Those eyes that were always full of love were hurt and sorrowful. He took a deep breath and let out his thoughts.
"I do not want you, I love you. You can not imagine how much I care about you and what your presence in my life means to me." His hands were slightly shaking. "You are right. I think that as a dragon, I must continue our legacy, but I have been unfair to you. I couldn't make up my mind, and I have hurt you."
The guardian started sobbing and one of the dragon's hands met his face to wipe his tears.
"You know, I've talked about this with Valkyon several times and I've realised my brother is right. I dese- We deserve to be happy. Together. Whether I can or cannot have offspring doesn't matter, it shouldn't be a duty and I shouldn't force that on you."
The guardian sobbed harder and embraced his beloved, feeling his hand on the head, the other arm gently stroking his back. Lance couldn't restrain a few silent tears of his own at the sight of the male whom he loved him as much as was loved by.
They will make it work, Lance could assure.
Do you have any requests? Feel free to stop by my ask box! But first, please read this.
#my writing#eldarya#eldarya ane#eldarya to#eldarya the origins#eldarya a new era#lance#ashkore#eldarya lance#eldarya ashkore#erika#eldarya erika#eldarya fic lance#eldarya fic#valkyon#eldarya valkyon#eldarya writing#request#eldarya request#eldarya lance and valkyon
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some trans Jeff thoughts:
he realized he was trans in elementary school and just went fuck it I'll just start introducing myself as Jeffery and see if anyone decides to stop me (as we know, jeff winger can get away with almost anything)
he got top surgery the second he could afford it (around the same time he started at his law firm), and probably bribed someone to keep it a secret
"I'm jeff winger and i would rather look at myself naked than the women I sleep with" are the words of a man proud of his transition
he's really insecure about his fashion sense, which is why he mostly dresses like the douchey guys at his firm in the start of the show, he thought you can't go wrong with the sleazy lawyer look
he will never admit it but he feels super good about the dean hitting on him, because the dean is a (cis) guy, acknowledging that Jeff is more manly than him
i think he starts out stealth and comes out to everyone one by one, probably starting with abed because he knows abed won't judge him and will probably just see it as an interesting backstory.
abed just says it's cool and maybe worth a prequel exploring Jeff's transition, and jeff asks him to predict how all of the members of the group will react to him coming out.
abed's predictions:
britta will be over-the-top supportive and do a ton of research about trans history, probably put together a slideshow just to prove how progressive she is, and jeff will be a little bit weirded out, but also touched that she did all that for him, though he would never let her know that
shirley will be confused, because she doesn't know how someone she trusts and knows so well could be part of a group she was raised to hate, but ultimately realizes that there's nothing actually against the lgbtq people in the bible, and, as a cool character development arch, starts to advocate against use of the bible to justify bigotry
troy will just think it over and decide that Jeff's physique and coolness are even awesomer knowing how much work he'd had to put in to be like that, and respects Jeff's manliness even more
annie will give him a hug, say something sweet about how she'll always love him, and worry about his health, because even she read somewhere that taking testosterone makes you more likely to have a heart attack, jeff will explain that the risk is still only as high a cis guy, and she'll be the one to always remind him to take his shots
peirce will say at best say "jeff winger used to be a chick?" and at worst call him a slur, either way there's sure to be a lot of misgendering from him, and pestering to know Jeff's deadname (needless to say, Jeff just doesn't tell peirce)
the whole group goes out of their way to keep their beach trips a secret from pierce (the girls don't want him there anyways, he's too liable to be creepy) even though jeff knows that even if pierce saw his scars, all he would have to do is make up a story about some childhood accident and pierce would never question it
sorry this ended up being super long. can I hear some of your headcanons for him?
YES ALL THIS!!! yes yes i’m fully accepting this as canon oh my god
i’m about to type a whole ass ESSAY at midnight because i have been DYING to talk about this for months ajfdksljk,,, this is going to be obscenely long and i might end up adding even more to it as i continue to rewatch the show because there is truly no shortage of trans jeff content (especially when you’re trans and see transness in every little thing ajdkslfkjs)
spoiler warning for literally everything about this show under the cut <3
i 100% agree, i feel like he realized he was trans super young, especially since in the show we see him as a little kid a couple of times.
like look at little jeff with the oversized sweatshirt and little ponytail!! that’s childhood trans fashion. not to be dramatic but part of me thinks that jeff’s dad left before he fully came out to his family (which gives him even more angst about it, because until that one Thanksgiving episode, he’s never able to prove to his dad that he’s a better man), but part of me thinks that his dad left after he came out (which adds that spicy i-should-have-stayed-in-the-closet guilt that he has to work through).
either way, because his dad wasn’t there, he had to base his concept of masculinity on something else, which was becoming a lawyer!! there’s some line that’s like “after the dust and divorce papers were settled the only man i looked up to was [the lawyer guy]”. like, replacing your father figure in your mind with the concept of “a job where you can talk your way in and out of anything and distort other people’s concept of reality”? that’s trans.
and the fucking THANKSGIVING EPISODE... i struggle to watch it without crying hehe <3 yeowch! the dichotomy of willy jr. being the “wrong” kind of man because he’s “too soft” but jeff also not being enough despite adhering to all the social standards of masculinity... fuck!! this whole scene of him telling his dad “i am Not well adjusted” and talking about how he gave himself an “appendix surgery scar” when he was a kid and he still keeps the get-well-soon letters from his classmates under his bed? oh my god. the implication of people loving him not despite his scars but because of them?? trans. i can’t think about this episode for too long or i’ll start yelling.
OH and this scene? where he talks about how his mom got him a girl costume for halloween?? and everyone said “what a cute little girl” and after a few houses he stopped correcting them?? and “once the shame and the fear wore off, i was just glad they thought i was pretty”?? THAT’S TRANS... the man needs validation oh my god... and then in all the halloween episodes we see he has these ultra-masculine costumes (a cowboy, David Beckham, one of the fast and furious guys even though he never watched the movies, a boxer with his DAD’S boxing gloves... god) costumes are about becoming something else and he always chooses to be hypermasculine and that is trans.
THE PHYSICAL EDUCATION EPISODE!!!!!!! being uncomfortable during P.E. is a queer experience. period. but him being specifically uncomfortable in the clothes someone else is assigning to him? trans. “are we gonna talk about clothes like a girl? or use tapered sticks to hit balls around a cushioned mat like a man?” TRANS. and him eventually stripping in public? celebration of transness. and the fact that he eventually becomes comfortable in both the uniform and his own style!! trans!! god i love this episode.
AND AND AND!!! the gay dean coming out episode!!! where it’s the three of them discussing the best way for the dean to come out as gay despite not entirely identifying with that label!! so we have both frankie and the dean who are sort of ambiguously queer, and jeff who’s a stealth trans man who’s probably only out to only the study group at this point. this scene where the dean and jeff have this like eyebrow communication while frankie is talking is just so cute. queer-to-queer communication. “I am so curious” “oh?” “intellectually.” “oh...” ajfdksljfk this scene just screams high school GSA to me and i love it so much.
and SPEAKING of the dean!! i totally see you on that. i feel like jeff has some internalized homophobia/biphobia (like he’d throw punches over someone else, but when it comes to himself he has a lot of shame). and also seeing the dean so confident in all his different outfits/costumes has a weird affect on him bc it’s like “okay, the dean, a cis guy, can do that, but i as a trans guy could Not because that’s Breaking the Rules”. which, like, throwback to the halloween thing. of course there’s no right way to be masculine, but mr. winger does not know that.
another thing!! the episode where their emails get leaked? that includes his emails with his therapist. fuck!! he was outed to the whole world in that episode!! no wonder he was so fucking angry!! this whole episode (and really any time he mentions his therapist) is so interesting when you think about them as a person he talks to about his transition. OH which adds to the thing with the dean!! “and you told your therapist you wanted to be alone this weekend” and “not you jeff, i know you’ll be visiting your dad” ”I told you to stop reading my emails”. luckily his study group has his back and just makes fun of him for emailing astronauts lmao
and WHO can forget “they’re giving out an award for most handsome young man!!!!” what else is there to say about this line besides: he’s trans. you know he didn’t get awarded enough for being a handsome young man when he was a kid, and no amount of compliments when he’s fully-grown can really make up for that. some people crash a kid’s bar mitzvah to cope with the fact that they struggled to be seen as themselves when they were a teenager <3
also his weird relationship with pierce? where he kind of hates him (understandably lmao) but at times has this almost-friends-almost-father-son relationship with him? especially in this episode where he’s forced to bond with him and ends up having a good time by accident (at a barber shop no less, the perfect place to Be A Man with your Man Friend). idk what to say about him besides the fact that pierce says his mom wanted a girl when he was born and made him dress like a girl (and his middle name is anastasia!) so if they’re gonna do any bonding over transness it’s gonna be that.
okay one last thing and then i’ll shut up for the night. this episode kills me (and almost kills jeff hahahahelpi’mcrying). it’s a very Trans thing to not be able to visualize your future self, it just is. growing up trans at the time he did? i don’t know what kind of future he saw for himself, but i’m so happy that he ended up with a group of friends who became his family and love him the way they all do. i’m so emotional over this asshole it’s ridiculous.
in conclusion:
they’re trans, your honor <3
#community#jeff winger#trans jeff winger#GOD i'm gonna make a video essay about it if nobody stops me#yall know that youtube channel AreTheyGay? i want to be that but AreTheyTrans#the videos would just b like... jeff community. neo the matrix. bill and ted bill and ted. audrey little shop of horrors. jo little women.#maybe i should start that youtube channel sjdfklsj#thank you for prompting me to talk about this because i think about it twice a day#i might end up reblogging this and just adding different responses jeff has had to casually homophobic/transphobic things that happen#in the show#like the episode that last photo is from when the dean is like#'spring transfer student dance isn't rolling off the tongue so we're calling it The Tr@nny Dance!' 'much more greendale.'#OH AND ACCIDENTALLY KILLING PIERCE'S DAD!!! HOW DID I NOT MENTION THAT EARLIER SJFKLSJ#'you LITERALLY killed a father!' 'well not MINE dummy!!'#alright i need to do my homework now ajfklsdjfl
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Steve Rogers, The Man On Fire
Hey y'all, as Pride month draws to a close I would like to post this fic. It's been in my drafts for a month and I finally today found the motivation to finish it. This is special to me for many reasons, one of which being that I'm proudly a part of this community. Some of the anger written in is my own. I think a lot of people will resonate with it. I really hope you all enjoy this and happy Pride Month <3
This was based loosely off a headcannon and once I re-find it I will credit!
Synopsis: Steve is freshly thawed, queer, and pissed | A.k.a. Steve's experience in 21st Century America
Characters: Steve Rogers, Mentions of Bucky Barnes, (loosely a Stucky fic but Steve thinks he's dead here)
Warnings: Angst but not bad, Steve Rogers being volatile and chaotic (we love), poorly written accents (I literally read this with an accent in my head), literally a 2k monologue
Word count: 5.1k
Steve Rogers came out of the ice angry.
No— not angry— Steve Rogers came out of the ice fuckin’ furious.
He came out of the ice with his hands curled into two fists, with his jaw clenched so hard his teeth were liable to snap, and with a bone to pick with every damn reporter and historian and too loud opinion on this side of the Brooklyn Bridge.
He came out simmering— no, erupting— like the serum in his blood couldn’t keep his body from hibernation all those years ago but it sure as hell won’t keep him from setting the entirety of New York on fire now. He’ll burn it all down if he has to and rebuild it the way he remembers it— the way Bucky would have remembered it— and at the end of it all no one— not the bigots or deniers or the homophobes that seem to be the only thing that came with him from the forties— will be able to say that Captain America can’t love whoever he wants.
No one will be able to say that Steve Rogers didn’t love James “Bucky” “the man I’ve loved since twelve years old” Barnes with everything he had and then some.
No one.
So he starts with the museums in Washington— because sure it isn’t New York but where else would a relic like himself belong more?
He still has hope when he enters the building. They didn’t make them like this when he was a kid— they had science fairs in the town hall and culture fairs in the backstreets near the docks but never anything this grand. No tall marble pillars or enough stairs to make him wonder if he would have been able to climb to the top when he was half the size he is now. It’s strange. It’s kind of wonderful. Yeah, the Smithsonian museums make Steve Rogers feel small for the first time in a very long time and that gives him hope.
That hope doesn’t last long, though, because soon he’s wandering through the halls, following the signs that say Captain America: The First Avenger— what the hell is an Avenger? Is that what they’re calling soldiers these days? Now he feels small and old.
Turning the corner is like landing on another planet, one devoted entirely to him. His picture is everywhere he looks, his name is in lights, even his damn uniform has been replicated and presented on a little stage and he hates it. The rage is back, sparking at his fingers— he’s a match and lucky for everyone this building is made of stone because if it wasn’t he’s sure it would be reduced to nothing but ash by now.
It only worsens as he begins reading through the plaques and the paragraphs flashing across screens on the walls— he doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to that. The more he reads, though, the more he wonders if the stone is really, truly safe from the fire in his blood. He doesn’t think it is.
He surely isn’t at least— he feels like he’s going to explode. This isn’t him— none of this is him. War hero. Martyr. Golden boy. He has to stop reading that plaque— clearly no one did their research. Clearly no one dug up his medical files— or his police records. Brawls at the pub, disorderly conduct behind Mr. De Luca’s sandwich shop, public nudity at the beach that one time— thank you Bucky for the best night of his god damn life. Golden boy— ha.
Golden nobody with the black eye and broken hand is more like it.
For a moment he thinks he’s fine— he thinks it can’t get worse than this. Then he gets to the early life section and for an even longer moment his tongue tastes like gunpowder.
Steven Grant Rogers grew up in the streets of Brooklyn alongside his friend James Buchanan Barnes—
He can’t bring himself to finish the sentence— not when they already got the most important part wrong. Friend. Friend? No, no, no. No! There are a million words in the english language that Steve could use to describe Bucky and ‘friend’ will never be the first one.
How about best friend?
How about partner in crime?
How about soulmate who loved Steve so much that every night for the past forty-eight days since he woke up in an era that Bucky doesn’t exist in he’s cried himself to sleep with the same cherry cola taste of his ‘friend’ on his tongue.
It’s the final straw— Steve loses it.
“Anyone got a marker?”
The museum is quiet before he speaks but when his voice— steadily rising and taking on that New York headiness that his troops used to jazz him about— cuts through the exhibit— his fuckin’ exhibit— it’s silent. It’s dead, almost as dead as Buck— Nobody dares move a muscle as he rips his ball cap off his head and throws it at the statue of himself. Everyone knows who he is— everyone is going to know who he is so help him god.
“I said—” he tries again— “does anyone have a marker?”
It takes a moment for the people around him to pick their jaws up off the floor and he allows them that moment with a smug grin starting to tug on the corners of his lips. Finally— they’re starting to get it.
He’s not a hero; he’s a supernova of every scrawny, queer kid who’s ever gotten beaten to a pulp for kissing who they want.
Maybe then it’s fitting that the marker— when it’s finally produced and placed in his waiting palm— comes from a teenage girl with a shaved head and a blue, pink, and purple denim jacket and a busted lip. She doesn’t say much— only a mumbled here you go— but her eyes say everything that her words don’t. Give em’ hell, Cap. For the first time since waking up he flashes a genuine grin back— yeah, this one’s for you kid.
Steve wastes no time uncapping the sharpie— he’ll look that one up later— and scratching out the error. The blasphemy to his unholy name. It takes him a little longer to decide what to write in its place. There are a million words, sure, but somehow none of them feel right at this moment. None of them are enough. That’s something he’ll have to come to terms with later, though— how much nothing feels like enough anymore without Bucky.
Finally Steve settles on a word and he scribbles it as neatly as he can given the fact that he hasn’t had to write anything in eighty years. When he takes a step back, feeling alive for the first time since waking up, he beckons over the girl with the shaved head and points to the place where he’s taken it upon himself to correct history.
“Hey kid, why don’t you go ahead and read that outloud for everyone here.”
He allows another moment— this time because she deserves the time it takes for her eyes to light up and the smile to stretch across her bruised mouth.
Steve laughs— a rusted, croaky laugh; another first in forever— when her head whips around, facing him as she loudly proclaims: “It says boyfriend. Steve Rogers grew up in the streets of Brooklyn alongside his boyfriend Bucky Barnes!”
“Damn right I did—” he mutters to the kid before taking a step towards the crowd of gaping mouths. “Did you all hear that? Don’t worry if ya’ didn’t— I’ll say it one more time. Boyfriend. Bucky was my boyfriend and if he was here today he would be my husband. If any of you have a problem with that then feel free to take it up with me. I took on half of Brooklyn for that man and I’ll do it again.”
When no one says anything Steve nods, turning to hand the girl back her marker and to thank her— he may be angry but he hasn’t lost all his manners— but when he looks at her she doesn’t look back. Instead she takes the same step forward that he had, one of her hands balled into a tiny, shaking fist at her side and the other wrapped around a cell phone that’s pointed towards the crowd. He doesn’t understand the mechanics but he thinks she’s recording.
“You hear that?” She parrots the super soldier with a wavering but fierce voice. “Captain America likes men! And none of you can deny it!”
This time it’s his mouth that drops, watching as she shakily turns the camera off and spins back around. Before Steve can say anything, though, she’s talking again, this time hastier, and he can’t help but think that she sounds so much like him. All flushed and scrawny and pissed.
“I’m sorry, I’ll delete the recording if you want but, I jus’ know these bigots are gonna’ try and cover everything up and that would be a fuckin’ shame. I don’t know if you know how many kids need to hear this. I did— and I think they should too. Only if you want, of course.”
He doesn’t answer right away— he can’t. It’s like looking at himself at fifteen. Suddenly he’s back again, his feet hanging in the water as his boyfriend paces behind him, asking if he’s ready to have him look at his knuckles yet. He didn’t get that many good punches in— the scrapes are mostly from the pavement— but Buck always worries too much so it doesn’t matter. The protective idiot.
Steve shakes his head, blinking away the sunset lingering behind his eyes. “Bucky woulda’ loved you, kid.”
The next time he loses it— the next time he turns into more flame than man— is after he saves the city he’s been trying to burn down for three months.
It isn’t long after that day in the museum when Nick Fury decides it would be best for everyone if Steve goes back into the field. Of course, no one really asks him what he wants— they pretty much just shove a new suit into his hands and tell him to get training, Captain— but what else is new?
No one really comments on his outburst besides that either. Can you really call it an outburst when you’re just trying to reclaim the parts of you that have been stolen? Sure, the press gets a hold of the story and, true to what the kid had said, tries to twist it into something more digestible, but no one actually addresses it up with Steve. Apparently when someone saves the world as good as he does no one cares that they kiss men.
Or that they don’t wanna’ to actually save the world anymore.
See, in those three months— between the training and training and even more training that Steve Rogers begrudgingly obliges— he has time to catch up on the world. More importantly, he has time to catch up on what the world thinks of him. He scours a plethora of documentaries, scholarly essays, and whole books of information about his time as Captain America. Well— his time as Captain America when it mattered. In all his scouring he learns one thing: everything written about him is wrong.
It’s all so fuckin’ wrong.
Just why the hell would he want to save a world so bent on destroying who he is?
The Smithsonian exhibition was nothing compared to what’s been written in the eighty years he spent in the ice. Better yet, nothing compared to what hasn’t been written about him. They’ve taken an eraser to every part of his life that doesn’t fit with the golden image that they constructed for him. A.k.a. every part that matters. His relationship, his past, every little thing that made him supposedly perfect for the role he was given. Gone. Erskine told him he was a good man— apparently he was the only one who thought so.
Apparently being a good man isn’t good enough.
They only wanted the perfect soldier. Yeah, well, they had one and they fucked him over too. Don’t even get him started on what they did to Bucky— Steve doesn’t want to think about what Winnifred— Winnie for short— Barnes would do if she saw the history books erasing her baby’s Jewish roots. Or his relationship. It wouldn’t be pretty, that’s for damn sure. If ever there was someone more protective than Bucky it would have been his mother. Not that there’s a damn note about her in anything either though.
Maybe that’s the final straw that does him in this time— watching the place that Mrs. Barnes loved more than almost anything else in the world crumble, while also knowing that the world no longer gives a shit about the two people she loved more.
“Mr. Rogers, this is where you grew up, is it not? Is there anything you would like to say about what took place here in your home city today?”
Maybe he pretends not to hear the last part— maybe he really does only hear up until where the reporter asks him if there is anything he wants to say. He’s been around quite his fair share of explosions; it would make sense that his hearing is a little off. Maybe he just doesn’t care anymore, though.
Scratch that— he definitely doesn’t care anymore.
And why the fuck should he? He does have something to say and propriety be damned he’s going to say it.
Steve stares into the crowd of faceless reporters and flashing cameras with a scowl on his grimey face. Around him stand the other Avengers— his ‘team’. The last time he had a team the historians screwed up the history for every single member. Dugan, Morita, Falsworth, Jones, Dernier, Sawyer, Juniper, Pinkerton. Barnes. All of them were brave men with families and sacrifices and all of them were treated like jokes by ‘reporters’ just like the ones in front of him now. He really doubts there’s a difference between old and new journalism.
The only difference is that now he’s here and this time he’s not going to let them write anything but the damn truth.
“It is—” Steve muses, brushing the sweaty hair from his forehead— “I’m surprised you know that though.”
The reporter cocks his head, clearly confused, and it makes the super soldier’s blood boil. “Come again, sir?”
“I said I’m surprised you know where I was born, kid.” This time when he says the word— kid— it’s derogatory. “Ya’ know, considering how you all seem to know nothing about me otherwise.”
Steve almost smiles at the way the crowd tenses. He actually would if it weren’t for the white hot rage coursing through his veins, mingling with the last of the adrenaline leftover in his system. It gives him an extra kick— not that he needs it. Even when he was just a runt from the wrong side of the tracks he needed nothing more than an offhand comment to raise his fists. Fighting to Steve Rogers has always been intoxicating— the aftershocks of winning the battle just makes it more thrilling now.
Who knew, right?
“Sir I asked—” The reporter sputters and Steve simply holds a hand up, silencing him before he can start again.
“Yeah I know what you asked, alright. You want me to talk about the battle here in New York today and how I am more than happy to have risked my life to save it. But I can’t do that, kid. Because I didn’t save it for you. I didn’t save it for any of you.”
Steve feels his team tense— maybe were it any other time he would stop talking. He would just leave it, let the issue go, because Bucky would tell him too. They aren’t worth it, bruiser, he would say, they aren’t worth your blood. Maybe he would listen to his boyfriend because usually he was right. Bucky was always right. So yeah, maybe he would list—
Who is he kidding; he knows he wouldn’t.
Not then and certainly not now— not when Bucky isn’t here to defend himself against everything Steve has been reading about. That’s exactly why he doesn’t stop talking. Someone has to defend him and who better of a person than him? So, yeah, he keeps going, even when he hears footsteps behind him.
“You wanna’ know who I did save it for? James Barnes, that’s who I saved it for! You see, just around that corner there is a bookstore. Rickley Books. That was my boyfriend's favourite bookstore. You know, the man who gave his life to stop a train in Austria from reaching the enemies? Yeah that was him. That train was filled with supplies. Had it reached their headquarters, who knows if we’d be standing here today. If there would be a New York at all. Not that you would know that. But who cares about that dead sergeant from the 107th, right? There’s plenty just like him.”
Steve shrugs nonchalantly— a move he picked up from the very man he’s speaking about— but he spits his words at the reporters with enough venom to cancel out any peace that the action brings. That’s his own move.
He keeps going. “You know who else I saved it for? His mother. Yeah, his mother Winnie Barnes. Wonderful lady. She used to run a soup kitchen a couple blocks from here. Kept the rift raft like myself from going hungry most nights— I was a brawler, you know.”
A couple of reporters in the crowd laugh at that and Steve flinches, his vision tinting red as he cranes his neck, seeking them out.
“Oh you think that’s funny, do you? You think I’m joking? I’m not. You ever been backed into a corner, son? Had people hurl slurs at you that I can’t even repeat today? Ever been beaten up for loving your best friend? No, I bet you haven’t. You weren’t a queer kid in the thirties. That’s hard— that’s borderline impossible actually. I only made it because of people like Winnie Barnes. That woman was a saint but nobody talks about her either.”
Steve has to take a deep breath, clearing the rasp in his voice that rises as he dwells on the woman he called his second mother for so long. She wasn’t just a saint, she was an angel. He can’t cry here though, not now. Not even as his throat begins to tighten.
“Winnie was the type of lady who didn’t let anyone walk over the little people. She used to sit me down and say Stevie you gotta’ fight for what you want because ain’t nobody gonna’ give it to you. She told me that I shouldn’t have to but that there were going to be people who would try to tear me down just for being me. And she was right— just like her son— because that was the era, you know? But now, here in the twenty-first century, you’re all still trying to tear us down.”
A hand lands on his shoulder, small fingers tugging at where his suit has begun to tear. Natasha Romanoff. He meets her gaze quickly, neck craning to stare down the red head, and in the few seconds their eyes meet it’s like Bucky is next to him. Somehow the blue in her irises catches the falling sun just like his used to. Steve can hear the gruff of his voice in the depths of his mind. Back down, bruiser. The sentiment is echoed across Nat’s face.
Steve shakes her hand off him, turning back to the reporters— don’t they know that he can’t?
“You all say you care about me, huh? That I’m a hero? You know nothing about me— you don’t want to. Before I was a soldier I was a kid. A queer kid. I said that already but let me repeat it. Queer. Did you write that down? None of you certainly did before. That’s how I know that you don’t care— because in an age where being queer is infinitely more accepted you still don’t bother to write it down.”
He pauses for another breath, shutting his eyes against the blinking red lights of the cameras. They’re like little demons, always watching his every move. Recording. Everything’s always recorded these days. Will he ever be used to that? Bucky was the technology guy, not him. Not then and not now.
When Steve picks up again— eyes open and shoulders freshly straight— it’s on a new note— a clear note.
“You don’t care about me— you certainly don’t care about the real heroes of the war because if you did you wouldn’t erase our history. Do you know how much it would have meant to Bucky to see our relationship accepted? The man who died for you? How much it would’ve meant to his mother? You can’t just pick which of our stories and our sacrifices are worthy and which aren't.”
He hasn’t spoken this much since he’s woken up, not all at once at least. Maybe he should have, though— maybe if he had then he wouldn’t feel like ripping the heads off everyone in front of him right now. Call it fight or flight. Call it revenge. Hell, call it whatever you’d like because it doesn’t really matter. Either way he feels like a kid again— again— backed into a corner behind the deli with his fists up and his teeth bared.
He feels feral again.
“So now you just want me to save the world like I did— like Bucky did— all those years ago— or maybe jus’ New York— as if that’s any better— and you don’t even bother to write a proper article about me? Hell, I never even asked for an article, let alone a whole exhibit! I’m just a soldier— and before that I was just a kid. If there’s never another article written about me I’ll be grateful. But now that I’m here, standing in front of you, I’ll say this—”
Just as Steve’s voice is cresting into a shout that would no doubt be heard regardless of whether or not the microphones were in front of him, Natasha tries one more time, her fingers slipping between his.
Her voice is a dull buzz compared to his, only reaching his ears by sheer will. “C’mon Stevie— we gotta’ go now.”
Like before he’s stunned but this time instead of seeing Buck— instead of hearing him in his head— he hears Winnie.
You fought good, honey. You fought good for us. You can rest now.
It’s jarring and it’s not lost on him the handful of awkward seconds that it takes for him to respond. That’s just the effect Winnie had on people though— still has, apparently. Steve shakes his head— I know, mama. But I gotta’ finish this fight.
“No, Nat— I’ve got to say this.” Steve mumbles— voice just beginning to waver despite how hard he clenches his jaw— before sneering at the crowd one last time.
“If I ever read an article from any of you that discredits Bucky Barnes, our relationship, or myself just know that I’ll come for you. I’ll come for this city. Don’t you ever forget who I saved it for. James Barnes, Winnie Barnes, and every queer kid who’s ever felt erased because of people like you. The bigots in the forties couldn’t stop me. The Nazis couldn’t stop me. Not even the Atlantic Ocean could stop me. So don’t think for a second that any of you could either. Have a good day.”
With that Captain America turns, marching off the impromptu stage and beginning the trek back to his apartment. He doesn’t bother looking at his team as he passes them— he can imagine their stunned faces well enough on his own. No doubt he’ll be getting another assignment from Fury soon enough to make up for this ‘outburst’ too. Still, he feels a little bit better. There’s an ache in his shoulder, and one under his ribs too, but he still smiles as he passes Rickman and Sons Books. That must mean something good.
The last time Steve Rogers burns he doesn’t burn the way he’s expecting to— he doesn’t vandalize his own name or blow up at a reporter. No, the third time— the final time— that Steve Rogers burns it’s with nostalgia— and with a damn good cup of coffee in his hand.
“I had no idea this place was even here.” The girl across from Steve muses, tiny hands shifting the steaming cup back and forth.
Her name is Ellie, he learned that back at the museum after asking for a copy of the video she took. He barely knew how to use his phone back then, let alone his email— hell, both still confuse him more often than not— but she had been patient. A little awestruck and a little riled up too but he took it in stride— easily. It’s not hard being nice to the spitting image of him.
“I’m glad I’m good for something other than making the news.” Steve chuckles and this time he means it— there’s no malice or ill intent, only humor. “O’Malley’s ‘s been here longer than I have. Looked a little different then—” he takes a moment to let his eyes wander the old coffee shop and it’s new appliances— a moment to feel his age catch up to him— “but I guess I did too.”
Ellie’s laughter joins in there and it’s strange— strange that he hasn’t laughed with another person in seven, almost eight, months; strange that her laughs sound so much like Bucky’s when they were younger; strange that Bucky isn’t here to hear. Here to laugh, too. Because he would have.
He would have called Steve an old man, would have wrapped his arm around his shoulders, would have asked— no, demanded— that Ellie try the plum cobbler. They always made the best cobbler. Bucky always had the best laugh. All grit and breath and him. Steve feels warm just thinking about it.
“Well thanks for letting me in on the secret, I’ll make sure to guard it carefully.” She even has Bucky’s warm sarcasm.
Maybe it’s not so much like looking in a mirror as it is looking at what he wishes he and his boyfriend could have been back then.
“And thanks for letting me interview you—” Ellie continues, setting the cup down but not before nodding at it, her eyes wide— “wow. You weren’t kidding about the joe, huh? Anyway— thanks for scheduling this. I know you’re probably super busy— and that there are more well established people you could have gone to.”
Steve sets his own mug down too— if he hadn’t there’s a possibility it would be more puddle than porcelain. “Well established means nothin’, kid. Not when you don’t have heart. They’re parasites, all of ‘em. The press couldn’t care less about me.”
Ellie nods, lifting the lid of her laptop. It’s a little bit dented and slathered in stickers, not quite the newest model— he would know, he has the newest one and it’s still sitting in his apartment in the box. Yet another testament to how little the people around him truly know him.
“Welcome to the twenty-first century, can I get you a side of classism with that commercialism?”
Now she sounds like Winnie too.
“Say, has anyone ever told you that you’re funny?”
She shrugs, tilting her head, a lopsided grin glued to her face. “Once or twice— I never know if they mean it or if they just want me to shut up. I never do so I guess we’ll never know.”
Steve sputters out another laugh because; “I guess we’re the same then— never give them a moment, kid. That’s the best advice I can give you.” He pauses— again— he supposes it’s going to be a day of pausing— he supposes it’s about time he pauses— before adding, “Bucky would’ve scolded me for saying that.”
Ellie’s fingers, swift and deft over the machine— Steve hadn’t even seen her begin to type— pause too as her smile softens. “What would he have said instead?”
Her question shouldn’t catch off guard— this is why he asked her to meet him; to finally, properly write his story— their story. Still he pauses— Steve’s empty hands feel hot, his shoulders warm; bare— what would he have said? It doesn’t take long to hear his boyfriend’s voice, not there but somehow loud in his ear all the same.
Just relax— they aren’t worth it. It’s too nice out to care about anything but the water— are you coming in or not? Summer doesn’t last forever, you know?
It’s impossible but Steve can feel the sun on his back and on his ears again, like he’s there— like he’s back, sixteen and on fire. Those were the days where everything made him cold. The days where his skin burned no matter the season but especially in August which was when the ocean was warm enough to swim in. It never stopped him from joining Buck— nothing could have stopped him. His cheeks warm, too, at the thought.
Steve blinks, his own smile— perhaps a little lopsided in it’s own right— shaping over his mouth. “He would have told you to relax— and to try the plum cobbler. It’s fantastic.”
With another giggle— and a reiterated comment— has anyone ever told you you’re funny, Steve?— they fall into a conversation, just a kid and a relic, about life. It’s not an easy conversation— but then again those kinds never are. It’s real, though, and unedited. Unfiltered. Just the way Erskine and Winnie and Bucky would have liked it— the only way Steve wants it. It’s not perfect but, hell, Steve has never been perfect.
He’s never wanted to be.
Maybe Steve doesn’t know everything his boyfriend would say— and maybe he’d be lying if he said he doesn’t blow up once or twice after today— but he can confidently say that he gave Brooklyn a run for her money— twice— and lived to tell the tale. He can say then when it mattered, he burned. That he still burns. That he will until he doesn’t— until he’s extinguished.
But, hey, though Summer doesn’t last forever, not even the Atlantic could extinguish the flame that is Steve Rogers.
That’s what he writes— in Sharpie— on the card he writes to Ellie— the one attached to the computer he knows he’ll never use.
#Steve Rogers#Bucky Barnes#Stucky#steve x bucky#Queer!steve rogers#Queer!Steve#Queer!Bucky#Queer!Bucky Barnes#Captain America#pride month#Steve angst#steve fluff#Marvel cinematic universe#Mcu#mcu fic#steve fic
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Can I ask what are your favorite things about Santana
and what are your favorite things about Brittana? !
Sure you can, I love questions like this. Let's do like, five things each to keep it concise (watch me go on for ages even with that said lol).
First, Santana:
Honestly I just love her flaws, but I especially find her anger so fascinating. She has so much of it and doesn’t know how to deal for the longest time. Yeah sometimes it hurts to watch her dig herself so deep, be so cruel to others and double down but what can I say, I love it. It’s a good character flaw because she recognizes this about herself pretty early on, at least as early as 2x15 “Sexy”, but she still struggles. There’s value in that.
Building on that I love that she tries. Say what you will about Santana but she does try to fight her own worst tendencies. Season 4 is a good example where she’s so lost and tries to find ground by supporting others. She looks out for Marley, helps out in Lima whenever she’s called upon and genuinely tries with Hummelberry. Is she always going about things in the right way, hell no girl is messy af. But she tries.
I love her vulnerability and how difficult it is for her. Santana really, really struggles with opening up and that has many reasons and manifests in different ways. Because of this she always has this “more than meets the eye” feel to her. Santana has so many defense mechanisms and ways of deflecting and it baffles the mind when people take her so literally. The only time she can truly be vulnerable is through song, or in very select moments. And that makes those moments all the more special, and her relationships with the people she’s comfortable around.
Fourth, and this is less deep I suppose lol but I love her wit. She is easily one of the funniest characters in this already hilarious show. Part of that is Naya’s incredible, never miss a beat delivery. Her insults often hurt because I can’t help but think, Santana, hon, don’t do that, but you can’t deny she has some zingers. Her little red book of insults? Wow. There’s a reason there are so many Santana compilation videos.
These have been story focused but I also have to say, her voice, and the way she performs. They way she transforms everything she gets into something even more beautiful, even more amazing. Glee was full of talented performers but I don’t think anyone did acting through song as well as Naya. And that helped with all the favourite things I listed above. I guess I brought it back to story, huh. I mean just look at performances like Rumour Has It/Someone Like You, Santana’s songs do tell stories.
I didn’t even touch on her coming out journey in there but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again that Santana’s sexuality is an integral, inalienable part of her character. When I say that I love all these things about her, including anger and vulnerability, all of that is part of her identity as a lesbian and vice versa.
So on that note, Brittana:
Where to start, phew. Okay, number one would be their transgression. I allude to this all the time when talking about queer stories but they’re inherently transgressive and I love how that applies to Brittana. They went from background cheerleaders to being allowed to have their own story and shining so bright. They went from the slutty girls hooking up with random guys to being in love with - married to! - each other. It’s transgressive on both an in-universe and meta level and I eat it up.
I love their season 2 angst. I think it’s the best season of Glee, one of the reasons being Santana’s arc and the way Brittana develops. It’s not flawless but I always feel disappointed when people try to blame either of them for the issues and difficult emotions that arise. Instead, I think it’s so good precisely because you can really feel for both of them. I feel for Brittany and her need for clarity, I feel for Santana and her feeling terrified at the thought of coming out. Neither of them are wrong even when they end up hurting each other, they’re just kids with all these intense emotions in a shitty situation. But they get through it because they have each other.
Another favourite thing is how they complement and are perfect for each other. It's in aesthetic things as well, like the blonde and brunette dynamic or how at first glance Santana's the meanie and Brittany the ray of sunshine. But it's also in how they get each other in ways that no or very few other characters do. Most look at Britt as an oddball and write her off or even call her stupid but Santana had been saying for a long time that she's a genius and appreciated her unique point of view. Similarly, most people are quick to judge Santana for her worst parts and she really doesn't do well with that, lashing out and doubling down. Not Brittany though because she's always been patient and believed in Santana even when she didn't believe in herself. What is that if not love.
I'm gonna follow that up with saying that their breakup is also one of my favourite things. The scene itself lives rent free in my mind, nay, my heart and I think it was a very necessary step. It allowed them both to grow as individuals and they were better off for it when they got back together. I know it's unrealistic that the Glee kids all ended up with each other but like, people, what did we expect. I don't watch TV so it can be hyper realistic and deffo not Glee. I can suspend my disbelief and accept that the time apart was enough for Brittana to grow and realize they were, after all, soulmates. I like that they didn't get together in s2 and I like that they were broken up right after high school.
Finally, it's just the little things you know? Like the way Santana melts when Brittany looks at her or that damn "I used to count the number of times you smiled at me" quote. They can be so, so soft. The way Brittany relentlessly believes in her and Santana doesn’t let Britt give up on herself. It’s the pinkies and stolen glances, the best friends to lovers dynamic, the whole deal. They are just so cute and I really can’t see, in canon, how they wouldn’t be perfect for each other. And I’ll add this on here too since I’ve already said the best friends to lovers thing, I love that they are genuinely best friends. You know, I can be a sucker for rivalries and “I hated you at first sight but then something weird happened”, that tension can be delicious. But even when they’re angsty Brittana are soft like my winter TARDIS blanket and I love that.
Well, thank you for that opportunity, anon. I do love being positive about things I love! I also love Brittany as an individual character btw but perhaps another time.
#santana lopez#glee#brittana#anonymous#ask#anon#brittany s pierce#my thoughts#now i'll feel bad when i spread my pezberry propaganda lol#glee asks#santana asks#brittana asks#favourite things about
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‘Cause Boy I was Made for You
By wonder-womans-ex for @inloveoknutzy
Sweater Weather secret santa exchange 2020
When Remus Lupin was eleven years old, he learned about soulmates.
“Almost everyone gets a soulmark on their nineteenth birthday,” Mr. Holliday, his fifth-grade teacher, had explained. “A design, like a tattoo, on their left wrist. And out there, somewhere, someone will have a matching one.
“Some people don’t get them until later—no one knows why. Some don’t get them at all. It’s rare, but some people have more than one soulmate, or their soulmate changes.
“Can anyone tell me why this might be?”
Trust a teacher to turn this into a lesson, Remus thought, and put up his hand.
“Because people change, and the person who your soul matches could change, too?”
“Very good, Mr. Lupin.”
***
When Sirius Black was eleven years old, his parents kept him home from school. Instead, they sat him down at the dining room table—which was only ever used for special occasions; he couldn’t fathom why this might be considered one—and told him three things.
“One,” Walburga said, bony fingers and long nails that reminded Sirius of talons drumming on the centuries-old wood, “your career comes first. Always. No matter who your soulmate turns out to be or how you feel about it, you are expected to make the choice that benefits yourself and your role in this family.”
“Two,” Orion put in, “you are the only person who can prove who your soulmate is. If the reality is something that puts your future or your reputation at risk, lying is the best option. Remember, listen to your head, not your wrist.”
“Three—” this was Walburga again, “—your soulmark, when you get it, will remain covered at all times. No one else is permitted to see it. Are we clear?”
Sirius nodded.
“Speak up!”
“Yes, Mother. Yes, Father.”
***
When Remus Lupin was thirteen years old, he had his first kiss. It was with a girl from his first aid course to whom he’d never really talked before, and it was wet and clumsy and didn’t taste very nice. In six years when he got his soulmark, he probably wouldn’t even remember her name.
***
When Sirius Black was thirteen years old, he fell asleep in math class twice. He’d spent the entire night practicing—under his father’s instructions, of course—and the words in the textbook began to swim in front of his eyes.
His mother slapped him across the cheek when she found out. Though he told no one for a very long time, that was when he started drinking coffee.
***
When Remus Lupin was fifteen years old, he googled what if your soulmate doesn’t love you.
***
When Sirius Black was fifteen years old, he found out what it was like to be famous. He enjoyed it, at first. There was so much to enjoy: the attention from his parents, the people who recognized him in public and smiled, and the hockey.
The hockey was everything.
He wouldn’t have thought so, but it was freeing, really, to be on the ice, doing what he loved, and know that the whole world was watching. It showed him he was enough—better than enough. He was the best. He’d been working towards being best his whole life, and now he finally got to feel good about it. What wasn’t to like about that?
Amycus Carrow, apparently. The first guy on his team to notice he was different. “Queer,” he whispered, as Sirius packed his gear up.
Sirius wasn’t sure who he was trying to prove something to by sleeping with Janie Clearwater—Amycus or himself.
***
When Remus Lupin was seventeen years old, he and his mom picked his little brother Julian up from daycare. Jules had a crude drawing of a star on his wrist in green washable marker.
“My teacher has one! So I wanted one too!”
Remus smiled, ruffling Julian’s hair.
That night, he locked his bedroom door and looked up Sirius Black. Video after video of slapshots, passes, interviews, until he finally drifted off to sleep thinking that’s the sort of person I want to be loved by.
***
When Sirius Black was seventeen years old, he had his first panic attack. He wasn’t sure what triggered it; he wasn’t sure how he pulled himself out, but he ran a thumb over the red marks where his fingernails had dug into his skin and tried not to cry.
***
When Remus Lupin was nineteen years old, everything went wrong. He woke up on his birthday to his wrist itching, and it took all his willpower not to look at it. He wasn’t quite ready yet.
It was like Schrödinger’s cat, he reasoned—if he didn’t look, he couldn’t confirm what had been nagging at the back of his head for a while now. He couldn’t deny it, either, but it was better than nothing.
Julian ran to hug him when he got downstairs, grinning to show off his gap-toothed smile. “I got you a present! Wanna know what it is?”
“I think,” Remus told him, “I’m about to find out anyway.”
Two weeks later, Fenrir Greyback approached him in the locker room.
***
When Sirius Black was nineteen years old, he found himself signed to an NHL team he wasn’t supposed to be on and with a soulmark he could make neither head nor tail of: a silver wolf and black dog, intertwined like yin and yang, two crossed hockey sticks behind them. He remembered, distantly, being told that soulmarks were meant to make sense.
The black dog was probably meant to represent him—black dog, dog black (he still hadn’t forgiven his parents for that one)—and the hockey sticks almost definitely had something to do with, well, hockey, but the wolf he had no idea about.
***
It is now that these two stories meet. There is a split second, a fraction of time, and it seems as though the whole world is holding its breath. Will their paths cross, only to continue on their separate ways? Will they travel together for a time, before they are destined to part once more?
“Hello,” says Remus, and when Sirius holds his hand out coldly, their fate is decided.
***
“Pots, c’mere a second!”
Sirius is happy, almost. He’s got the team—he’s one of them, now, really and truly, but there’s something still off. He knows what it is, but he doesn’t want to.
“I’m coming, Captain! Keep your head on!”
James comes to a stop in front of him. “Hi. What do you need?”
“Please poke Dumo.” A few of the guys chuckle, and this makes Sirius smile. He likes making other people laugh.
“What, and you needed me for that? You couldn't do it yourself?”
Finn walks into the room, then, jersey half on. “Why do it at all? What did poor old Dumo do to you, anyway?”
“Yeah,” Pascal says from where he’s sitting by his locker. “Respect your elders!”
“Elder, you say? Edging on retirement, are you?”
“Tais-toi!”
Glancing over to Remus, Sirius allows the barest flicker of a smile to pass over his face. He gets one in return.
“Alright, everyone get moving,” Coach tells them, opening the door and surveying where they’re all arranged, faces like guilty puppies. “You’re paid to play hockey, not sit on your asses and gossip. Practice starts in five minutes, or you run laps around the outside of the rink. In skates.”
Most of them groan, and Kasey downs a Powerade. “Well, boys, that’s my cue.”
James is the next to go, then Finn, then Logan. Leo and Talker continue their argument—something about George Harrison; Sirius isn’t really listening—out onto the ice, and Adam follows them with Olli and Nado close behind. Dumo winks at Sirius before he goes, too, and then it’s just the two of them.
“What did he do?” Remus asks, after Sirius has laced and relaced his left skate three times. “Dumo, I mean.”
“Nothing much. Just… well, if you must know, he put shaving cream in the fridge, once. Guess what I had on my waffles that morning.”
“Waffles aren’t on your diet plan.”
“It was last year.”
“And you waited until now to get James to poke him?”
He knows Remus can see right through him. He always can. “Never question the methods of a hockey player, Loops.”
He meant it as a joke, but Remus stiffens for some reason, jaw clenching and eyes darting away. There’s an awkward pause before Sirius says, “I’m sorry—”
“Don’t be.”
“Right.” He clears his throat, trying in vain to find something else to say. He would be lying if he said Remus didn’t mean something to him—he knows it. But, after all, knowing something and acknowledging it are two very different things.
Sirius runs the laps.
***
That night, after practice, Remus is about to head for the bus station when Sirius steps in front of him. He’s walking backwards, even with his hockey bag slung over his shoulder, and Remus isn’t ashamed to say he’s a little impressed. (From a purely objective point of view, of course. It has nothing to do with Sirius and everything to do with the skill it would take, hypothetically, to do such a thing.) (He’s not fooling anyone, least of all himself.)
“Want a lift?”
“You don’t even know where I live.”
“Well, we’ll just have to fix that.”
Remus rolls his eyes; he pretends to think about it. “All right,” he says, finally. “On one condition.”
“Which is?”
“I get to choose the music.”
Sirius lets out one loud ‘ha!’ It’s the most beautiful thing Remus has heard in a long time. (That would go well: “Oh, I’ve changed my mind. No need to put on the radio, I’ll be content if you just keep laughing.”) (There’s a reason people like him are off to the side, out of sight, instead of right in the spotlight with a microphone.)
Remus is glad that Sirius waits until he’s parked outside Remus’s apartment building to bring up their earlier conversation. It says something that they say “So, about this evening—” in unison, but Remus isn’t going to think about that.
“You go first,” Sirius tells him, the corner of his mouth lifting ever so slightly. “Please.”
“I suppose,” Remus says, slowly, “That I haven’t quite been honest with you. Any of you. I wasn’t always a PT.”
“Of course not. You’re my age. You can’t have always worked for the Lions—before that you were a teenager. A student.”
Remus shakes his head. “No. Before that I was a player.”
“You played? Why’d you stop?”
“Bad hit,” he says, shrugging. “I’m over it. But I… I know what it’s like. The pressure. The rules. So, if you need someone to talk to… just remember—I know what the game does to a guy. You’re not the only one who’s been told to be something you aren’t by someone who forgets you’re a person off the ice, too.
“See you tomorrow, Cap. Thanks for the ride.”
***
Sirius is probably the one person in history who has managed to burn eggs without even turning the stove on.
“How on earth did that happen?” James asks when Sirius phones him.
“I dropped them into the toaster—hey! Stop laughing! It could happen to anyone!”
“Yes,” he hears from the other end of the line, “But it didn’t. It happened to you.”
It takes exactly two minutes and thirty-seven seconds after hanging up on James for Sirius to decide to call Remus. Cooking failures might not have been quite what Remus meant when he said Sirius could talk to him, but it’s the problem at hand right now.
(Remus laughs just as hard as James, but at least he has the decency to apologize for it afterwards.)
“Well,” he says, once he’s calmed down, “What are you going to eat now?”
“I’m not sure. Cereal?”
“Practice is in two and a half hours. You need more than that.”
“I’ll be—”
“If you end that sentence with ‘fine,’ I’ll take the laces out of your skates and strangle you with them. Do you want me to walk you through, I dunno, a pancake?”
“Sure. What do I need?”
“Flour, butter, eggs, milk…”
Twenty minutes later Sirius is left with milk on his shirt, flour in his hair, butter practically everywhere else, and a microwave that won’t start.
“I think,” he tells Remus, “I should have cereal.”
“You are going to eat a pancake if it’s the last thing I do—”
“Why don’t you just come over here and make it for me, then? I’m sure you’ll have more success.”
He holds his breath for a moment, hoping this wasn’t a step too far, before Remus responds. “Yeah. Sure. I’ll be over in… half an hour?”
“Sounds good.”
Click.
The instant the call is over, Sirius opens the freezer and grabs one of the popsicles he secretly has stashed there. They’re not part of his diet plan, but he needs one. Then he takes a sponge and starts trying to get the butter out of the sole of his shoe.
***
The first thought that crosses Remus’s mind is that Sirius’s tongue is purple from one of the popsicles he thinks no one knows about. If Remus kissed him, he’d probably taste like grapes. (The thought is banished from his mind the moment it enters.)
“So,” he says, surveying the damage. “I am going to teach you how to make a pancake.”
Sirius, it turns out, is infinitely better at following instructions when they’re simple, and the two of them work out a system quickly. Remus makes the pancake, Sirius gets the ingredients. It works.
“That’s salt, not sugar. Try again.”
(Most of the time, at least.)
“Really?” Sirius is squinting at the package. “Why doesn’t it say so?”
“It does. Right there.”
“How am I supposed to read that?”
“You need glasses, Cap.”
“I have glasses. I just never wear them.”
“What?” This is news to Remus. Visions of Sirius with glasses and bed hair are swimming in front of his eyes. “Why?”
A shrug. “I look stupid.”
“I’m pretty sure you’d be drop-dead gorgeous in anything.”
There’s a beat of silence. Remus realizes that, yes, he said that out loud. “I mean, all those fangirls certainly seem to think so.”
“Right. Yeah.” Sirius clears his throat.
“Anyway, pancakes! I think these are almost ready to cook—can you turn on the element?”
“The what now?”
“The element? The coil on the stove?”
“Should’ve just said that in the first place,” Sirius grumbles. “Fucking Americans.”
“Fucking French.”
Suddenly, Remus has a spatula pointed at his nose. He has to cross his eyes to see it properly. “Say that again; I dare you.”
“Fucking French?”
“Awright, that’s it! En garde, bitch!”
And so begins the great whisk-vs-spatula duel of 2020. There is very little batter left once they’re done—in the bowl, at least. Most of it is on their clothes.
They look at each other. “Cereal?”
“...Cereal.”
***
Kasey’s eyes go wide—almost comically so—when they show up to practice together.
“Cap giving rides?” He says, and Sirius isn’t sure what accent he’s trying to fake but he ends up sounding like a scandalized duchess from the movie adaptation of an Austen knockoff. (Maybe that is what he was going for. It’s hard to know, with Kasey.) “I thought the day would never come.”
“Shut up.”
“Make me.”
Remus’s elbow digs into Sirius’s rib cage. “You don’t want to say that. He tried to make me shut up this morning—it’s something I’ll never recover from.”
Sirius almost laughs at the expression Remus makes when he realizes exactly how that sounds.
“He dumped pancake batter down my shirt!”
“You didn’t!” The look on James’s face is aghast. “First the eggs, now this—what will people think?”
Finn looks up from his phone. “Eggs?”
“Sirius here dropped the eggs he was going to eat for breakfast into his—”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!”
Dumo slings an arm around his shoulders. “The price you must pay for telling James to poke me yesterday. Learn from this, mon fils. Learn.”
“Don’t tell me what to do, old man.”
“Treachery!”
Shrugging him off, Sirius grins. “I am the kitchen monster. Cross me and I will slaughter you in a food war.”
“Try me.” This is Logan speaking; Sirius hadn’t even realized he was there.
“You’ve been warned!”
***
“Look, there are twenty-two hockey players in this arena, and I ain’t one of them,” Moody says, and Remus can’t be sure, but he thinks Sirius looks at him.
***
“You’re favouring your right leg,” Remus comments as soon as Sirius is off the ice. “Want me to take a look?”
“It’s fine, really—”
“I’ll try again. Want me to take a look?”
“Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Loops.”
“That’s what I thought you said.”
They walk into the PT room in businesslike silence, Sirius hoping all the way that one of them will break it. Neither does, and it isn’t until Remus has taken off both his skates for him, now expertly examining his left ankle, that he realizes what he should say.
“You mentioned you played, last night.”
The finger tracing his Achilles tendon stills. “I did.”
“Were you any good?” He knows, somewhere, that he’s entering forbidden territory. He can’t bring himself to care.
“I’d like to believe so.”
“Be honest.” Sirens are blaring in his head. He keeps going.
“There were rumours…” Remus bites his lip, glances away. “People said I was set for first.”
“What? How come you never said anything? C’mon, you need to play with us sometime, just scrimmage or something—”
“Maybe. That hit…”
“Right. God, I’m sorry, Rem.”
If Remus’s Adam’s apple bobs at the nickname, Sirius doesn’t notice. He certainly doesn’t try his best not to jump to conclusions. (Double negative; that’s a yes, a voice that sounds suspiciously like James’s says in his head. Shut up, he tells it.)
“It’s fine. Really. I just don’t like talking about it. And besides, I like this. Working with the team, even if I can’t be a part of it.”
“You are. A part of the team, I mean. Just as much as I am.”
“Sure.”
There’s another awkward pause before Remus clears his throat. “So, I’m gonna put on some anti-inflammatory gel because it’s a little swollen, but don’t get used to it. I want you to keep doing some stretches, not too much pressure. Capeesh?”
“What the fuck is a capeesh?”
“Just say it.”
“...Capeesh?”
“Awesome.”
Remus leans forward towards him, their foreheads almost touching. Sirius’s breath catches.
It’s over just as suddenly. The tube of extra-strength Voltaren is in Remus’s hand, and Sirius feels stupid for thinking he was going to—
Nope. Not thinking about that.
When he feels tears start to prick at his eyes, he glances up at the fluorescent lights overhead; at least then he’ll have an excuse. There’s a moth resting on one. Its wings flutter once, twice, then go still. Fragile things, moths are—maybe it’s died, maybe it hasn’t. He could read into that, but he won’t.
He jumps when the cool of the gel on Remus’s hands touches his foot. “Hey!” He yelps, looking quickly down.
Sirius hates to succumb to cliches, but he would be lying if he was to say his heart doesn’t still.
Because Remus has pulled the sleeves of his jacket up to his elbows, and his wrist is turned to the sky—to Sirius, who has seen that mark before somewhere.
Somewhere. He’s kidding himself. He’s seen it every day whenever he bothers to look at his own soulmark, and he’s seeing it again now.
“You know what, I’m fine,” he blurts out, shaking his ankle out of Remus’s grasp. “Thanks, though. See you later, Loops.”
***
Remus stays there for a second, watching Sirius leave. He doesn’t know what he did wrong, and he’s not sure he wants to.
When he gets up to leave, tossing the container towards the first aid kit on the bench and allowing himself a small smile when it lands perfectly inside, blood rushes to his head. He closes his eyes, waiting for the dizziness to pass.
And then he crashes into Finn.
“Whoa, sorry,” Remus says, stumbling backwards.
“Nah, don’t stress it. There’s just something I want you to check on.”
Remus is hit by a sense of deja vu. He wonders if Finn, too, is going to leave without explanation. He follows him back into the PT room, Finn gesturing for him to lock the door.
Though he may be the shorter of the two, Remus knows it’s his job to be the bigger person. “What was it you wanted to talk about?”
Finn waits another moment before yanking one sleeve up to reveal three paw prints, each no bigger than a thumbnail, clustered together—one forest green, one golden, and one a deep navy blue.
“Your soulmark.” Remus doesn’t understand. “What? Is something wrong?”
“There’s three of them,” Finn says. “Which means there’s three of us.”
“You have two soulmates?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s fine, Finn. It may not be common, but it’s not unheard of. You don’t have anything to be ashamed of.”
“It’s not that. It’s… hey, you can’t tell anyone this, okay?”
“I know. Doctor-patient confidentiality, remember?”
“Right.” Finn takes a breath, squeezing his eyes closed. “What if I told you I know who they are? Or I think I do?”
“Hypothetically?”
“Hypothetically.”
“Well, I’d ask you if they knew.”
“And I’d say I don’t think so. One of them’s pretty stubborn—wouldn’t see love if it stood up on the ice and sang the national anthem—and the other isn’t nineteen yet, so he doesn’t—I mean wouldn’t—have his mark yet.”
“His?”
Finn’s eyes widen. There is a pause before he nods, slowly. “Yeah. Got a problem?”
“Trust me, I’m the last person on earth who’d have a problem with something like that. Hypothetically.”
This, at least, earns Remus a smile. “Are you…?”
“Yeah.”
“Cool.” Another pause. “What if I told you, still hypothetically, that they were both on the team?”
“Then I’d say get the fuck out of here and win them over before they start thinking you’ve forgotten about them.”
Finn, smiling ear to ear, starts to leave. “Wait,” he says, hand on the doorknob. “You said you were…”
“Gay.”
“Yeah. Do—do you know who your soulmate is?”
Remus opens his mouth to say ‘no.’ He really does. But what comes out—when he takes into account the look of recognition on Sirius’s face when Remus had his sleeves rolled up; the understanding that had passed between them outside Remus’s building (god, that was just last night); the way they’ve always just clicked—is most certainly not ‘no.’
“Oh, fuck, I think I do,” he says, and he and Finn run out into the hallway together.
Sirius’s car is pulling out of the parking lot when Remus arrives, out of breath, at the front doors of the arena.
“I don’t know why he’s in such a hurry.” Remus jumps. He hadn’t heard James come to stand beside him. “Just packed up his gear at the speed of light and left. Didn’t even shower; he said he’d do it at home.”
So Sirius had been so appalled—disgusted, even—at Remus being his soulmate that he’d left without explanation, with barely even a goodbye. There was a pleasant thought.
He turns so his back is against the door, sliding slowly down to sit on the floor.
“Y’know,” James says, sitting next to him, “If I didn’t know better, I’d say you needed a hug.”
There’s a moment of comfortable silence before Remus says, “James?”
“Yeah?”
“I need a hug.”
James gives the best hugs. Everyone says so. But until now, Remus has never been on the receiving end of a true James Potter hug—warm, strong, and friendly as hell. (“I want that on a t-shirt,” James says when Remus tells him so.)
But eventually, James has to go, too, and Remus heads back to the PT room. He passes Logan in the hall, looking like he’s been hit over the head with a two-by-four. Maybe it’s Finn’s doing; he had mentioned that one of them was oblivious. Logan, Remus knows, is the definition of oblivious.
***
“And I think that’s all,” Coach Weasley says, glancing around, “Unless anyone else has something to say? Moody? Cap? Loops?”
“Actually, yes,” says Remus after a moment. “Checkups! Not naming names but Kris lied about his rib acting up so now all of you get to be interrogated.”
Sirius swallows. He’s not anxious to be alone with Remus; not after yesterday. There’s no way there aren’t going to be questions.
Kasey goes first, Remus taking just under five minutes to deem him ‘good to go.’ Kris, surprisingly, is only kept for eight, despite the claim of his ribs acting up again. Finn takes the longest—fifteen minutes—and as soon as he’s out he grabs Logan and Leo by the wrists and marches them off somewhere. Sirius’s turn comes last, right after Pascal’s, who gives him a knowing look as he enters.
“Hi,” Remus says, first aid kit nowhere in sight. “Sit down.”
“Where?” Sirius gets only a shrug in response.
He hesitates a moment, then sits on the floor, picking at the sole of his sneaker.
“How are you feeling?” Remus asks suddenly.
“Fine. Ankle’s not bothering me any more.”
“No, I mean how are you feeling?”
Scoffing, he starts to stand up. “I’m not doing this.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.”
“Sirius Black, sit your ass back down before I make you.”
Sirius sits his ass back down.
“Good. Now, how are you feeling?”
“I’m… confused,” he says, trying to be honest without being specific. “And nervous. And I cried myself to sleep last night, which I haven’t done since I was like seventeen, so there’s that. But mostly I’m just really fucking mad.”
“At me.” It isn’t a question.
“No, not at you! At me! At the—” he gestures wildly. “—Universe, or whatever. Can I go now?”
Remus doesn’t even acknowledge his request. “So you’re disappointed.”
“...Yeah.”
“May I ask why?”
“I’m pretty sure you fucking know why.”
“Maybe I do. But I’d like you to explain it to me.”
The stupid thing is that Sirius wants to talk about it. He really does. And Remus is the only person he can conceivably talk about it to. But he still chokes on his words when he says, anger burning his throat, “It was never supposed to be like this.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” Sirius practically screams. “Stop trying to fucking— psychoalalyze me or something, for fuck’s sake. You fucking asked, and I—” He tears his fingers through his hair, feeling his chest start to constrict. “Just stop talking!”
The echoes of his shouts fade out too quickly, and the only thing worse than the voices is the sound of his breathing getting faster and faster. Remus’s hand twitches, as though he wants to touch him but thinks better of it.
“It was always supposed to be someone different. Someone faceless; nameless. Someone I could run away from. I can’t fucking run away from you, Remus.
“I always thought I could lie. That I could—pretend, or something. Just keep hiding. It was supposed to be someone I could hide from, because I’ve spent my whole life fucking hiding and that’s all I know how to do. It was never supposed to be someone I could fall in love with.”
There’s a choked noise from where Remus is sitting on the bench, but nothing else. Sirius refuses to look at him.
“And I just—I just fucking hate this, because all I’ve been told is that hockey comes before my dreams. And that’s made sense until now because until now hockey was my dream, but now there’s you. Yeah.”
Remus, to his credit, waits until Sirius’s breathing has calmed down and he’s furiously wiped the tears from his eyes to speak. “What do you need?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I mean forget everything. Forget your family, forget the team, forget me—what do you need?
“Right now? For the rest of my life? Because those are two very different things.”
“Let’s start with now. Can I do anything for you? Can you do anything for yourself?”
“I need a hot chocolate.”
***
They wait until everyone else has gone, and then make their way outside to Sirius’s car. There’s only one other in the parking lot—a grey Toyota Remus thinks belongs to Nado, or maybe Kris. He’s not sure why he thinks it matters, because it doesn’t.
Silence hangs around them the whole four blocks to the nearest Tim Horton’s. Inhale; exhale. Inhale; exhale. This doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
That doesn’t stop Remus from hoping.
He knows it’s wrong; of course he does. It’s Sirius’s choice, in the end, because Sirius is the one who will be most affected. His career, his life—all on the line if he decides to trust whatever plan the world has in store for them. It’s not like that for Remus. Not anymore.
There’s a parking spot right outside the front door. Sirius pulls into it, but he doesn’t get out right away. He glances around, makes sure there’s no one immediately in sight, and then he looks down to where his hands now rest in in his lap. Slowly, he pulls up his right sleeve to expose, bit by bit, his soulmark.
“I don’t know why I never guessed it could be you—Wolfy McWolf Wolf.”
Remus feels his lips twitch upwards into something resembling a smile. “I could say the same, Dog Black.”
When he puts his hand on the console, Sirius rests his on top of it. It’s not much.
But it’s something.
***
Sirius looks longingly at the Boston cream doughnuts. “Please. I haven’t had one in so long.”
“Think again, Mr. I’m-on-a-diet-plan.”
He’s not surprised. What was he thinking, having his PT as his soulmate? (Well, he wasn’t. He didn’t get to choose. But, he thinks to himself, the point still stands.)
“I’ll have a medium hot chocolate, please, a plain toasted bagel,” Remus looks at him and sighs. “...And a Boston cream doughnut.”
When the food is set down on the pickup counter, Remus snatches it before Sirius has a chance to. “Hey, this is my doughnut.”
Sirius pouts.
“You’re cute. Here.” He tosses him the brown paper bag, and Sirius removes his prize carefully. He‘s going to eat every piece of chocolate glazing if it kills him.
Back out in the car—this is a conversation neither of them is willing to have in the public dining area—Remus chews on his bagel thoughtfully. Sirius tries and fails not to swear when his hot chocolate burns his tongue.
“Shit!”
Remus glances over at him. Their eyes meet for a moment, then both look away. “So,” Sirius says after a while. “I think we need to talk.”
“Yeah.”
Silence, then—
“You go first,” they say at the same time, and laugh. Some of the tension is broken.
Sirius reaches hesitantly to where Remus’s arm rests between the seats. He doesn’t need to voice his question—Remus sees it in his eyes; nods.
Up close, he can see that there are a few differences between their marks. Nothing that could possibly mean they aren’t soulmates—just the discolouring on the dog’s tail; the angle of one of the sticks; the faded white gash that stretches from one side of Remus’s wrist to the other, separating the wolf’s head from its body. Sirius doesn’t quite know what he’s doing when he presses his lips to the scar.
When he looks up, he sees that Remus is trying not to cry. And that’s when he makes his decision.
“I want this,” he says, voice soft but sure. “All of it.”
#sweater weather lumosinlove#coops#soulmate au#remus lupin#sirius black#remus x sirius#sweater weather secret santa#tw: panic attack
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