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#didn't put survivors because i mainly stuck to one
maxislvt · 1 year
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Paradise From Hell
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Summary: One grave mistake from your beloved manager lands you on one of the most notorious dating shows on the planet. You try your best to huff and puff your way through the season you'll be trapped in the house, but it seems fate had other plans for you. Stuck between your ex and a potential lover, will you survive?
Warning: Shitty girlfriends, awkward boyfriends, discussion of break ups, drama, not much this chapter tbh.
A/N: Sorry to all my Carol lovers, because she is not too kind in this but it's okay because every story needs an antagonist to some extent. Also major props to @cultofelizabetholsen for sending me this wonderful request and kicking off this amazing series!! i had so much fun writing this and can't wait to continue it :) hahah no I totally didn't repost this because I forgot the tags teehee
Series Masterlist
"No, absolutely not. I just won't do it!"
Your manager sighed and put the contract back in the crisp manila folder. "You're overreacting! It's just one season of a dating show. Plus, after you-know-who, your romantic life needs a little kick!"
Your manager meant the world to you. Keeping you booked, busy, and well paid. She was a sweet woman, but someday she had the dumbest ideas on the planet. Signing you up for a dating show without warning because you refused to go out and get a partner — was definitely one of her worst. By no means were you entirely above the world of reality television, but you would like to think you were better than being on some dating show. Big Brother, Master Chef, hell, even Survivor Island wasn't off the table for you! But some random start-up dating show? Not.
"No way! Burn it, rip it, and throw it in the trash can, whatever it takes to get me off the call list," You demanded. It sounded bitchy for your standards, but you couldn't believe your manager would betray you like that. "If you want me to go back to reality tv, that's fine! I'll do masked singers again — but I'm not going on a dating show." Before your frustration turned to genuinely ugly anger, you stopped yourself. You turned away from your beloved manager and gave yourself time to calm down. "I'm sorry, that was very rude."
"That's quite alright. We all have our moments."
You nodded slowly before speaking in a much calmer tone. "Thank you, but can you please terminate the contract? I'm really not up for this kinda thing." The stiffness of your spine decreased as you watched your manager flip through the pamphlet. However, the uneasy look on their face brought it right back. "What's wrong?"
"The termination period ended three weeks ago…and you're supposed to be ready to go by the middle of next month," Your manager mumbled while slowly closing the packet. "...I'm so terribly sorry."
"I'm going for a very long walk."
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Three hellish layovers, two weird introduction videos, and now one of the lamest parties you had ever been to before. You weren’t much of a party animal to start, but a half-assed masquerade by a pool wasn’t ideal for anyone. However, you refused to sour the mood with bitterness, so you decided it would be best to settle down at the bar. One copper mug filled with Moscow Mule because only the best alcohol could prepare you for the hell you were about to face.
“That’s a strong drink for a lady like yourself,” An oddly posh voice said from your left.
You turned your head and looked up. There wasn’t much that stood out about the man in front of you. That was mainly because of the mask that covered his facial features, but the trunks clinging to his waist were rather plain compared to everyone else’s. “Well, a strong drink to combat some strong feelings,” You said before taking another sip of your drink. The longer you looked at his mask, the bigger your impulsive urges got. “Did they let you pick this mask?” Without even thinking, you flicked at the elongated nose and giggled.
The man cleared his throat and stood up straight. “Um, no. I was the last one here. This was all they had left.” The shyness radiated off him in waves. You almost felt bad for just being the cause of it. “I came over because you seemed a bit—”
“Alright, party people, gather around!”
Before your masked friend could finish his sentence, your lovely show host arrived.
You turned your head and any hope left of having a peaceful time on the show immediately disappeared. “Loki,” You said through gritted teeth. Of course, it was him. Why would any random show host have access directly to your manager? Everything made sense. The shady contract, the lack of information on your castmates, and even the shitty masquerade party. “Is this secretly the first season of another show you’re hosting, or is this exactly what I think it is?” You already knew the answer.
“It’s what you think it is,” He proclaimed before clapping his hands together. If his personality wasn’t so charming, you would hate him.
You drowned out the rest of his lovely introduction. You’d heard it a million times before. Ex on The Beach, Loki’s new reality TV show about finding new love or falling back into an old love. The show wasn’t awful. It was just extra drama you didn’t want in your life. True love couldn’t be found on some dramatic TV show for millions to watch for entertainment. Even then, the chances of seeing your ex were gut-wrenchingly terrifying. It was better to die alone than ever try finding a partner here. Death itself would be better than getting back with her.
“Alright, beautiful people! Mask off!”
You were the first to rip yours off, eager to get to the house claim and room you could hide in for the rest of the show. At least you wouldn’t have to share a room with someone else. Your eyes scanned over the people you’d be sharing a house with. Some of them you knew. Tony Stark: the playboy coming from old money and had a strange thing for cars. Thor Odinson: A heart of gold with the best intentions. Peter Quill: Calls himself Starlord, insists he didn’t steal from The Weekend, and is a bit of a try-hard. Monica Rambeau: A welcomed surprise for you, your best friend since preschool, and definitely the only person you would trust through the whole thing. “Moni!”
“Y/N/N!”
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
“Would you two like to explain how you guys met?”
You never expected to have your first confession this early in the show, but you were thankful it was with your best friend.
The smile on your face never faltered. “Of course, but I think most of the people watching us already know it.” Your body moved in sync with Monica’s as you mirrored the excited movement of her hands. “When we were in preschool, my mom had actually forgotten to bring some of my school supplies. Obviously, not having crayons is the biggest deal in the world because you’re stuck with the shitty community crayons.”
“Fortunately for somebody, my mom gave me a sixty-four pack of crayons with the sharpener.” Monica wrapped her arms around your shoulders as you hugged her. "We were kindergarten married and we almost have a kindergarten baby!"
"So, did you two get kindergarten divorced too?"
"Oh, yeah it was a mess," You replied and dramatically pushed Monica away from you. "Someone wasn't up for sharing their rainbow goldfish so, I called things off since she didn't care about me or my well-being!" A fit of laughter filled the studio as you and Monica continued to ramble on about your rocky kindergarten relationship. Then suddenly you straightened up and made a serious face. "We got back together a week later because she got me a stuffed zebra from the zoo."
"Our romance was actually incredibly toxic!"
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
After the ground rules and expectations were laid out, you were quick to enter the house. With Monica close by, you were less averse to the whole situation. Still not interested in romancing anyone, but calm enough to at least play nice. The abundance of groceries in the communal kitchen made that incredibly easy. While everyone else mulled over the potential list of exes and new partners, you decided to brush up on your culinary skills.
"I really hate to bother you, but I believe we talked at the party earlier."
Your ears wiggled as you struggled to recognize the voice behind you. "Ooh, yeah you're the guy with the long-nosed mask! Sorry about the flick, couldn't help it," You giggled before turning back to the dough ball in front. Having a conversation wasn't exactly on your radar but he seemed nice enough. "You're Vision, yeah? I thought your little introduction video was cute."
His face went red and he nervously fiddled with the buttons on his t-shirt. "Oh, um thank you. Felt a little uncomfortable reading so close to the ocean. They promised me it would be okay but it slipped out of my fingers and straight into the second the cameras cut off," He punctuated his sentence with an awkward laugh. It became less awkward once you began laughing with him. A joke didn't do much to deter his tense spirit, but he was intent on carrying on the conversation. Unfortunately for Vision, you'd caught the eye of nearly everyone else on the show and they weren't going to lose you to some bumbling book nerd.
"Oh, it appears we have a little chef on our hands," Natasha said as she leaned against the kitchen countertop. As if it was as easy as breathing, the woman stole your attention away from Vision. Mainly because it was that easy. A crooked smirk, smooth voice, and finger quickly heading for the bowl of brownie batter in between you two — you were hers in not even half the time. "Awe come on, just one dip?"
You shook your head and pulled the bowl further away from Natasha's excited fingers. "Absolutely not, other people have to eat these and I'm not letting your little jogger fingers ruin it for everyone else." Though you wanted to stay firm in your no, it seemed Natasha had puppy dog eyes far too strong for your heart and you conceded faster than you denied her. "Fine, find me some pretzels and chocolate chips and I'll let you lick the spoon!"
And just like that, Vision was pushed to the background and practically forced out of the kitchen. It was like that every day for a week. He'd approach and suddenly everyone in the house wanted to show you something. Tony rambled about his tech company. Natasha needed a cheerleader while she worked out. Quil spent hours showing off all the places he traveled. Monica seemed to be the worst of them all. The others clearly had romantic intentions, but Monica seemingly just didn't approve of him. She never said it in his presence, but it was clear as day. A week had gone by and he hardly even got one conversation in.
As if his luck couldn't get any worse, The first three exes arrived shortly after. Competing for you with the other housemates was hard enough, three more would be impossible.
The group made their way down to the shore and sat on the beach chairs laid out for them. Of course, you and Monica shared one and Thor was able to wiggle his way onto the tiny bit of space left over. Then there was a human brick wall between the two of you. As Loki blabbered on about love and rekindling old flames or making new ones, Vision found his eyes wandering to you.
"Well, let's give it up for our first ex, Steve Rogers!"
The group whistled and cheered as a beautiful blond man made his way out of the water. Everyone seemed rather pleased by the man in front of them. Well, everyone except Tony. "Back in the water Blondie, no one wants here!"
"I don't know, Stark, I definitely have to disagree with you on this one," Thor joked before nudging your side. "So, what caused you two to break up? I just need to know before I start making some moves."
Steve laughed just as boldly as Thor spoke. A perfect match. "Well, Tony just couldn't let go of his playboy habits. There's nothing wrong with it, but I just didn't want that for myself," He said calmly. Despite his attempts at being professional, he was clearly caught off guard by the staring. "I'm looking to give Tony a second chance but if he doesn't want it, I'm willing to move and find someone new!" Steve was cute, but your eyes were already wandering to the woman riding from the waters behind him.
"Lovely ex number two! Wanda Maximoff," Loki shouted excitedly as she gestured to what was easily the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen.
Her swimsuit was a bit more modest than what the other girls wore, but you were more than capable of apprenticing the view. The one-piece covered her stomach but her toned arms and plump thighs made your head spin. You didn't care how obvious your staring was, Wanda was hot and you needed to take all of it in as best you could. As if you weren't roped into her web of beauty and confidence already, she looked back at you. It felt like magic. Some mysterious force dragged your eyes all the way up Wanda's body until you locked eyes with her. It only took one look into those perfect emerald orbs for every defensive measure you put around your heart to absolutely crumble.
"Well, go on. Introduce yourself to your potential suitors!"
Wanda smiled. It was easily the prettiest smile you'd ever seen. Bunny-like teeth poked out at her bottom lip and slightly crookedness made it all the more endearing. "Well, I'm Wanda Maximoff and I'm Vision ex-"
"You pulled that?"
A fit of laughter broke out amongst the group but you were quick to shut it down. A swift elbow to Thor's side and coughed loud enough to signal everyone to lighten up. Your attention shifted back to Wanda. "So, um, what happened," Thor asked, still clearly in disbelief.
"She wanted to go see…," Vision mumbled the last bit of the confession and turned his head. Whatever he was trying to say must've been embarrassing. Vision blushed a lot around people, but you'd never seen him so red before in your life. "God, just tell them what happened. They've wounded my pride enough this past week," He grumbled.
Wanda shook her head. "We just weren't working out. He wasn't willing to cut it off officially but I just wasn't going to wait for him. When my other ex offered to show me her puppies, I just went over there without thinking." She laughed as she spoke. It was a wonder Vision had any chance with her in the first place, but she clearly over him at this point in her life. "I just wanna move on from here. If I meet someone, that's great. If I don't, then I just don't. No big deal." She shrugged and stepped to the side. Wanda had hardly spared Vision and glance. Her attention was on. Neither of you believed in love at first sight but there was something between the two of you.
"Who do you think is telling the truth," Monica whispered to you and Thor. It was more a yell and Vision definitely heard it, but not a single one of you was concerned about his feelings at the moment.
"I think it's the truth, but the sad truth," Thor said through a near obnoxious burst of laughter.
That something seemed to be one of your biggest mistakes, considering you recognized the dirty blonde hair before she even fully got out of the water. "No, go back in the water and drown! Right now, go away!" You carelessly flapped your arms before turning to bury your face into Monica's shoulder.
"Awe come on, we didn't end on that bad of a note. Did we?" Carol smiled at you and stretched her arms, as if she expected you to run up and hug her. She awkwardly let them fall when she realized you weren't budging from your seat. "Well, I'm Carol, but if you're my special someone — you can call me Vers!" She threw a wink your way but you simply returned it with an unimpressed furrow of your brows. "I'm hoping to get back with Y/N, but if that doesn't work out I'll accept getting some real closure."
You huffed out in response to that, but decided to not cause more of a scene.
"Well, I think we should give our exes some time to talk. The rest of you head back up to the house."
You shook your head and quickly stood up. "Nope, no need. I've got bread to put in the oven!" Before anyone could object, you hopped out of your seat and began the walk, well run in your case, up to the house. You could already hear Carol shouting after you as you walked back up. It didn't make any sense to you. Why would she agree to come back to you? She broke up with you. You weren't upset about that by any metric but that wasn't going to make living with her any easier.
Carol was quick to follow after you but you were intent on ignoring her. "Come on, baby. Don't be like that! What happened to 'me and Vers?' I just want that back." Her hand reached out to grab yours, her grip needlessly harsh. "Just gimme another chance, please? You love me," She said as she attempted to pull you closer. For years that was how she got you. Twisted your words and then threw them in your face. You'd be hopeless against it.
But you were a lot stronger than that now. You snatched your hand away and stepped away from her. "I loved you, Carol. As in at one point I used to really care about you, but I just don't anymore. Meaning I don't want anymore of that 'me and Vers' stuff. I just wanna be myself for now." Despite your bold words and attempt at sounding strong, you cracked. Carol was everything to you at one point and anger alone wouldn't be able to separate you two.
Carol tensed up, clearly confused by your sudden lack of affection toward her. For as long as she'd known you, you'd been nothing but a pushover. Just something waiting to be taken advantage of and used by other people. You should've been thankful she was trying to take you back. Better her than someone who didn't give a shit about you. "Okay, you're still upset. I get that. I'll be here until you're ready to come back to me," She said with pride that she had absolutely no reason to be holding.
To say Carol struck a nerve was an understatement. She'd struck your entire nervous system but you refused to give her the satisfaction. She didn't deserve one. You took a deep breath through your nostrils and turned around. "Have fun waiting," You whispered before making your way up to the house again.
Though you were strong enough to not blow up in Carol's face, that energy needed to be released somewhere. You wouldn't dare risk exploding at your roommate. Unfortunately, the only thing you were comfortable with harming at the moment was the unused pasta dough you'd saved in the fridge the night before. The poor ball was ruthlessly slammed and folded against the counter for what could've been hours until someone was bold enough to snap you out of your anger-fueled trance.
"I'd hate to step on your toes here, but I think you've kneaded the dough more than enough." It was Wanda. Her accent was foreign to your ears but the sound of it was almost enough to melt your stress away entirely.
You cleared your throat before your mind could wander any further. A sigh escaped your lips as you held the dough up above the counter only for it to snap in half almost immediately. "I promised everyone pasta for dinner tonight, but I guess we'll have to do takeout." You got ready to throw the ball in the trash only for Wanda to guide your hand back. Normally, you'd be averse to sudden touch — especially after the grip Carol subjected you to — but Wanda's was soft. It was like you were as fragile as porcelain.
Wanda gave you a soft smile and slowly grabbed the ball from your hand. "I'm sure we can do something with this. You worked hard on it, there's no need to throw it out!" She quickly wrapped the ball in plastic and gently placed it in the fridge. "I can help you with the sauce and stuff while you redo the pasta. Teamwork makes the dream work!"
You couldn't help but giggle at Wanda's excitement. "I think that'd be wonderful, thank you," You said, just barely controlling your excitement enough to speak. Carol never entertained your interest. Monica tried her very best, but she was a mess in the kitchen. You both agreed it was best to keep her as a mouth to feed. It seemed you and Wanda were about equal in the kitchen and it made cooking all the more enjoyable. The two of you talked about nearly everything you two could think of while dinner was being made. The pasta dough had to rest a bit before being rolled out and cut into noodles so you decided to help Wanda finish the sauce.
Wanda smiled as you stood next to her in front of the stove. "I'm sure you don't wanna talk about it, but what's the deal with you and blondie over there," She asked and gestured her head toward Carol's direction. Respecting privacy was important, potential suitor or not. However, Carol had a mean stare and it hadn't left the back of Wanda's head since she approached you. "I get the feeling you want nothing to do with her, but…"
You leaned your head back and caught a look at Carol's face before she could twist it into a fake smile. What must've been your fifth sigh in the last hour escaped your lips. "We broke up six months ago and I haven't talked to her since," You said whilst shaking your head. Though you hadn't talked to Carol since you broke up with her, her tactics remained the same. "Don't even worry about her, she's only puffing her chest out because she thinks you'll take me from her." You cringed at the mere thought of "belonging" to Carol in any capacity. You were almost embarrassed you even dated her in the first place.
Wanda's arm smoothly snaked around your waist and pulled you close until your hips were touching. "Well, I'll happily play bodyguard if it means keeping her away from you," She whispered into your ear. A bold move, but the results were effective. The height difference between you two wasn't much to write about, but it was an advantage she'd happily abuse if it meant seeing the adorable tint on your cheeks again. Wanda could almost feel the heat radiating off of your face. It heavily outweighed the intense glare your ex was giving her from behind. She leaned in closer to your face.
For a moment, you considered leaning in. You swore of finding any love in this forsaken house, but god Wanda was so pretty and it was only a few centimeters between the two of you. For a moment, you tilted your head forward and just took in Wanda's scent. The smell of vanilla and cocoa butter had lulled you even closer to her. You were so close to her. Just one push forward and that'd be it. However, it seemed the timer had other plans and completely ruined the moment. You cleared your throat and turned around to handle the pasta dough and cut off the timer. "I'm gonna, uh, work on this over here. Just watch the sauce for me."
♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
A frustrated grumble left your throat as you made your way down the confession corner. You hadn't been called down nearly as much as the others, so you were a bit confused. You plopped down the stool and swiveled it from side to side before settling down. "Can we be quick, Mr.Strips is gonna get cold." You yawned and stretched your arms.
"We just wanted to do a check-up on how you feel."
You sighed. "I'm doing alright. I'm happy to see Monica moving on, I like baking a lot now, but I still don't think anyone has caught my eye just yet." You shrugged and got ready to stand up, but stopped when you noticed the monitor in front of you. A groan slipped through your tightened lips and you sat back down. "Is there anything else?"
"So how are you and Wanda getting along?"
Caught red-handed. After she arrived, you and Wanda hit it off almost immediately. If you weren't forcing Monica to cough up details about Darcy, you find yourself comfortably wrapped up in Wanda's arms. Maybe she found a book to read or a new recipe to try. Either way, you really enjoyed being around her. It wasn't like that, was it? You shook your head and straightened up. "Nothing is going on between us, but I really do like her company." Like was an understatement, but you weren't up for feeding into the situation given. Maybe Wanda didn't like you at all and secretly wanted Monica. Maybe she was just bored. There could've been a billion reasons why Wanda was hanging around you. You didn't want to get your hopes up.
You were much too tired to catch the knowing glance the cast behind the screen shared, but you were thankful they let you go quickly. If you had only heard what Wanda said about you moments earlier.
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hebuiltfive · 7 months
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Fandom Creator's Self-Rec Game!
Choose five favourites from your own creations (and tell me why, if you like!), then pass on to at least five other people. I'd love to hear what you're proudest of.
Thank you for the tag @forest-falcon!
This is slightly easy (slightly difficult) as I don't have many published works still, so here we go:
Hope Was A Fragile Little Thing
This was the first piece that I put out there, so naturally it has a special place in my heart. It's a short work following Jeff in the Oort Cloud. He reflects on life and love and loss.
International Rescue, We Have A Situation (Part of The Long Game fic)
This fic is currently on an unofficial hiatus because I got stuck on it (mainly because I didn't plot it properly but that's a whole other story), but the opening chapter is still one of my favourite pieces.
This is from Virgil's POV and is set in the aftermath of Jeff coming home. Tensions are rising in the Tracy household and Virgil, once again, is the one having to try and smooth things over.
Up From The Depths/Lost
I submitted this for Gumnut's FabFiveFeb challenge earlier this year, and somehow it ended up having two titles in my drafts.
This is a short drabble piece following Gordon and his struggle with survivor's guilt.
Aliens in Control? Who really leads International Rescue? (Part of the Tabloid Trash series)
This one has probably been the most fun I've had writing a piece of Thunderbirds fiction (that's been published anyway). It was spawned from wondering what kind of ridiculous headlines that tabloids would write when given the topic of The Tracys. The title, I think, is pretty self explanatory on which topic this particular article is about.
It features a 'journalist' who would be better suited to fiction, a conspiracy theorist who might be a reoccurring OC in this series, and a little cameo from Alan and Gordon at the end.
Haunted
Wayne Rigby's muse caught me one night when I couldn't sleep, so I decided to indulge it and this was the result. I do have some more ideas going forward for this, even wrote a little more after I posted this specific one, but I'm not sure if they'll pan out. We'll see.
But this is a very short piece where Rigby is being haunted by the events of his past. His anxieties are keeping him from much needed sleep and, lost in his thoughts in the dead of night, he's becoming lost in endless worries over things he cannot change.
I'm not sure who to tag so I'm tagging anyone who sees this, who wants to do it but who hasn't done it yet!
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Id love to hear your thoughts on Return of the Obra Dinn, if you have any youd like to share!
i really enjoyed return of the obra dinn!! when i started off it kinda made me feel weird and sad lol. but once i got into it that feeling went away and i was just enjoying the puzzle. i found the game because i'd seen it recommended for people who like outer wilds, and i have to say it definitely does scratch that itch of discovery and putting things together. i love finding things out of order and slowly but surely piecing together what happened. it was very satisfying to play and finish.
i'm gonna put a cut for spoiler-y talk, in case anyone hasn't played yet and may in the future. this is definitely a game you shouldn't be spoiled for if you want to enjoy it.
i did get stuck at one point, and blue @travismatagot helped me out. thank you blue!! i fully would have never found the body hanging outside the window without their help. that was what i needed to wrap up exploring everything. i DID then proceed to make a big oopsie. so i got every fate except the four people that escaped. i'd identified them and i figured they were alive but i was like. how the fuck am i supposed to know where they went?? this is because i fully did not pay attention to the name of the man who gave you the logbook and did not realize it was the fucking surgeon from the obra dinn who said he was living in morocco. i guess i thought my character was sent a logbook from someone who knew about the obra dinn but somehow wasn't on it?? makes no fucking sense in retrospect lol i was just not thinking. so because i couldn't figure out where these four people had escaped to, i assumed maybe it was something i would find out later along with the bargain chapter after i left the ship. so i left and signed the insurance form and then a year later i get a letter from one of the survivors being like "yeah the doctor died sorry you didn't figure out what happened anyway don't contact us again." and that was the end of the game. so i fucked that up a bit! and of course it auto saved after i'd left the obra dinn so i couldn't just go back to right before i left. so i started a new game and speed ran that shit as much as i could while being forced to sit through every death cut scene again lol. i had it muted and just watched youtube on my other monitor. then i did the fates for the four escapees correctly and and got the bargain chapter and beat the game properly.
i am proud to say i got almost all the fates on my own! some of them i did fully guess on tho. basically i would wait till i had two fates that i was pretty sure were right, and then for one i was stuck on i would just swap names around (usually narrowed down to a crew position or nationality) until it was right. i didn't have to do that on a lot of them, but some. i also had a hard time with the cause of death sometimes (miss lim? lovingly caressed to death?? "strangled" ending up working but apparently "clawed" also is accepted). the dude who died in the port walk was the hardest, mainly because the bosun's mate was one of the last people i identified. i could see this guy was probably getting shot by this bald dude but i could not figure out who it was for the longest time lol. also i completely lucked out on the fate of the dude who dies by firing line. there's four guys firing and i assumed you could pick any of them. i picked brennan, since he was the one guy i knew the name of at that point. turns out three of the four bullets miss and you have to pick the person whose bullet hit, which was brennan. so i got lucky there. if it had been wrong i probably would've gotten frustrated trying to figure it out.
anyway. sorry this got rambly but i really liked this game!! cool story cool puzzle cool graphics cool concept!! i've already told some of my friends about it and they are talking about maybe playing it so i'm excited to see what they think.
also fuck second mate nichols all my homies hate second mate nichols
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elia-de-silentio · 3 years
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The overarching themes of Vanitas no Carte: Identity
The Case Study of Vanitas is a very good, too little known manga (I hope the anime changes something), with some central themes than are exposed in different ways through different characters. In this meta, I want to explore one that was brought to my attention pretty recently: here a little examination on the various ways to face one's own identity in The Case Study of Vanitas.
The Stable Identity( Noè)
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Let's start off with the positives, shall we? Noè has probably the most secure personal identity of all the bunch.
And this is pretty amazing, considering everything he went through. He has no memory of his birth family, but gets adopted by some nice people - who die shortly afterwards. Right at their graves, he is kidnapped by slaves, in an accident that left him injured. Then he is bought by someone who actually treats him nicely and is a good mentor for him, he finds many friends his age - and then one of them, the one he was closest to, turns out to be a cursebearer, kills all of the others and then tries to kill him; he is saved by the mentor, who beheads the friend right in front of him. The most immediate emotion is relief for being alive, and he will always feel terrible for that. Then, he has to witness his surviving friend try to cope very badly with her mourning by repressing her identity and try to substitute it with that of her dead twin. That's a lot.
And Noé reacted to all of this by becoming a confident person, kind and attentive to others, but not to the point of being a pushover. I'm not saying he walked away unscathed from the events of his childhood: he regrets the way he handled things with Louis, the way he didn't understand him, and has developed quite the savior complex as a result.
What I'm saying is that he is probably one of the very few well-adjusted people in the psychiatric ward that is Vanitas no Carte. He is still questioning himself, but in a normal way for a nineteen-years-old that has just left a sheltered environment for the big wide world. He is aware of some of his strenghts (his naivete) and is realizing others (putting unfair expectations on other people, underestimating other people due to racial biases); but most importantly, when he realizes these mistakes, he doesn't run away from them or obsess over them believing they make him a horrible person: he recognizes them, apologizes to the wronged person if necessary, and works on improving them.
This isn't to say he's completely happy-go-lucky with no regrets; he feels guilty about being relieved that he lived while Louis died, and he has a lot of uncertainties regarding his identity as an Archiviste and the impact his powers can have on other people. But he managed not to tie his entire identity to that guilt; and as for the second point, Teacher helped him rationalise that and figure out a conduit that didn't undermine him and at the same time showed respect for others. Noè went through several traumas, but received one thing most of the cast didn't: guidance and support from his environment. Whatever Teacher's actual motives are, he shaped a well-balanced person.
The Group Identity (The dhamps, appearently 99% of vampirekind)
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"Us dhams are only loyal to each other!" This is what Dante says in one of the first chapters, giving us the first clues to their status as outcasts.
The war between humans and vampires ended up with each deciding to keep to themselves, but dhampires are the living exception to that silent agreement. So, both societies decide to reject them, and they can't find a place in the world unless they stick to others of their own kind. This common history of traumatic experiences of abandonment and subsequent resentment of both human and vampire society for it goes on to create a very strong group identity: the only ones they give a damn about are those like them, everyone else is a potential enemy and is only good to be exploited.
Then, we have the vampire culture. I mean ... it might be because insofar we have met almost exclusively aristocrats obsessed with their respectability ... but they have a lot of prejudices.
You're born under a uncommon moon? You're a pariah. You're mixed race? You're a pariah. Your parents committed a crime? You're a pariah, and are used as a tool. You're born as part of a set of twins? Either you or your sibling are killed at birth, because of something that is SAID, not even a certified element of vampire biology. You're stuck with a curse? You're executed, no attempts to heal you.
Their society seems to run on an ideal model of person which depends on factors outside the individual's control, and whoever doesn't fit this description and deviates from the group in any shape or form gets ridiculously fierce punishment. They make the freaking Church look good by comparison, at least their repressive and racist side is composed of extremists instead of everymen.
The Clan Identity (Chloé, and partially Noé again)
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Chloé identifies with a group of people too; but it's not a race, it's a family. The D'Apchier family, the nobles who are responsible for Gevaudan. Her father made sure she had this idea in her right from the start, and she interiorized it.
And this had mixed results: while on the one hand she was chained to self-loathing by the guilt of having accidentally caused the massacre of the family and was only saved by Jeanne and Jean-Jacques reclaiming her as part of theirs, on the other she was able to resist to Naenia because of the love and responsibility she felt towards the people of Gevaudan. Chloé is, at this point, the only curse-bearer who managed to trick and attempted to fight directly against Charlatan.
Then there is Noé in relation to his Archiviste identity. He seems to think of it mainly in negative terms, very conscious of the living invasion of privacy it turns him into ... and nothing else. We have never seen him wonder about who his birth parents were, ask himself why he doesn't remember anything, why was the clan exterminated, or how he feels about being a survivor, one of the only ones if not outright the only. He sees his heritage as a burden,and hasn't thought of it in any different term. I wonder how a change in perspective could impact the above 'stable identity'.
The Someone Else's Identity (Vanitas, Dominique)
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I already dedicated a whole post to this trait they share, so I'll be short: both Vanitas and Dominique hate themselves and try to become something worthy by taking elements of people they admire: Louis for Dominique, a combination of his birth father and Luna for Vanitas.
The Object Identity (Jeanne)
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The very first thing Jeanne was said in her whole life was that she was an object. A vessel for something (or someone?) else, who mustn't have feelings or desires of her own. Encouraging, isn't it?
Luckily, this wasn't all she got in life. Soon afterwards, she was adopted by Eric and Louise, who loved her a lot, received kindness by Ruthven, met Chloé who became an older sister to her. Unluckily, all of this was taken away from her in the most cruel way possible.
She couldn't make any sense of her parents's betrayal and death, and the way her life suddenly changed; she rationalised it by telling herself that it was her fault, if she had been just the good object everyone told her to be nothing would have happened. So she accepts the Object Identity: she is a tool, so she doesn't feel, she exists only to obey orders, and as long as she is nobody else will ever suffer. It gets even worse after she fails to kill Chloè: she couldn't fulfill her duties, and both her and her big sis suffered for it. This mindset traps her in a world of pain, but also prevents her from facing the fact that she is subject to a senseless injustice, one she has no control over.
Vanitas managed to help her with that. He validated her feelings, and showed her that nobody had to die if she had them, solving the situation with Chloé and Jean-Jacques. This gave her a nice confidence boost, returning her to the cheerful attitude she had as a young girl; the consequences of this change remain to be seen.
The Unknown Identity (Luna)
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This one is interesting because Luna themselves is pretty explicit about it. They see themselves as something 'other', who is outside commonly used categorization; starting with 'male or female' (and here I am left wondering if they had specific sexual characteristics but didn't feel like they 'fit', or were intersex and nonbinary, or had an entirely different biology from both vampires and humans).
Luna doesn't like this condition: they said they tried to figure out what they were, to understand themselves, and they regret doing so now. Why? Maybe they didn't find any answer and were left perpetually unsatisfied, or they found an answer, and they found it to be awful?
Still, this indicates Luna has never been particularly happy with themselves, and this found no resolution. And then they died. Nice, uh?
Well, I think this was all. There are other characters I would like to know more about in regard to this, like Ruthven, Marquis Machina, and Mikhail, but there is still time.
All in all, I'd say Vanitas no Carte explores the theme of identity pretty throughly; many character arcs are still in progress, and I'm interested about how things will develope especially for Vanitas, Dominique and Jeanne.
Thanks to anyone who bothered to read my ramblings!
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microwave-head · 3 years
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Post 4: Roxy
Time for today's tommorrow post. So I didn't get to talk about Roxy as a character much in the first post, which is why I'm dedicating an entire post to doing a sprite and talking about Roxy. Let's build off the process, starting with the "draft" layer.
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250x250 pixels this time because she's so huge. This layer is basically where I decide how I want her to pose. No arms because I'm semi-confident on those. Legs were actually added later because I'm a dum-dum who doesn't know how to draw legs.
So let's talk Roxy as a character. One key element I like about her is that her is her concept of identity. Mainly that she doesn't have one. Her face is gone and I don't plan on rendering any kind of sprite that would show her off as human because I like that she's expressed by a microwave plugged into her neck. Giving her a head would make her more generic, and I hate generic. I think characters should be unique, with cool designs and such.
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There's her main body, I experimented with ignoring whether the character's body is pixel symetrical and goes all over the place and I'm not sure if it made this sprite better or worse.
Drawing blood is fun but I have no clue how to outside of paper and pen. It's easy on paper and pen but doing it on a drawing tablet or in pixel art is something I'm going to have to look into next post, obviously. That and body shapes, this one didn't turn out spectacularly either.
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There's the microwave head. Originally, her head faced the other way, but it didn't really compliment that stance she's pulling off here so I flipped it around.
Roxy's function as an NPC would definitely be serving as Conrad's travelling vendor. She'll sell him things for food cans, giving him upgrades, one-use items, ammunition, etc. The explanation for this is that embodiments like him and her don't need food. So, she plans to make a monopoly on all available food so she can control The Blastzone.
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The cord gets added here, which is on a layer bellow the head and the shirt she's wearing. I think one of the problems I'm having with Roxy especially is drawing her neck and shoulders. She's meant to have a visible neck, but there's a plug stuck into the vertebrae. I think for this one I overlooked doing the neck by doing an hourglass singlet frame, which I can only beat myself up for.
In the process of making this character, I'm constantly thinking about how many microwave jokes and skits I could do in some kind of mini-cutscene interactions when Conrad visits her stores. Things like Survivors coming around to use her head to cook food and her sitting there disgruntled about still being a functioning microwave.
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Arms here. Easy to do but poorly executed on my end. I'm kind of baffled I haven't been drawing her neck and shoulders properly in pixel art. It's so flat up there.
I think a fun part about designing Roxy was doing her skin. It's permanently like that from blast exposure. On that note, her missing head is very likely due to her head being crushed by a launched microwave. Dumb explanation, and I really do wanna do a neat backstory for her and how she died.
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Thought these were on the same layers, but they weren't. But here's adding the other details and holy fuck why is blood so hard to draw? Why are hands so hard to do as well? I need to bookmark what I'm bad at.
One backstory idea I have involves her criminal tendencies. I feel like being a snitch to Conrad and selling out friends would at some point get to her. And I can definitely see her snuffing herself with a gun (good explanation for where the head went). But another one (sadder) would be a drug overdose. Punishing herself for being an unloyal dog, she nose-dives into something dangerous and goes on until she's dead. Only a moment before the blast happens.
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There's the legs and the background layer. God I fucking hate the legs, It's probably because her feet aren't flat on the ground mixing in with the terrible display of a neck above. Blegh.
I like to find theme songs for characters and after doing that verbal spew one that's come to me is a really fucking good Rare Americans song. "Berlin". Drives shivers up my back and Roxy is definitely someone who could fall in love. Idea would be that she sells him out to Conrad and then the overdose happens. The last few lines in that song definitely radiate final moments of Roxy before she goes belly-side up.
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Aaaaand there's it done. Hate it. Microwave shading's actually done pretty well. Rest of it can go to hell. The cord, her arms, I tried to fix her 1-turning waist but now I think I just fucked it up. Again, shading is something I need to work on.
And that's basically Roxy. Didn't cover personality anywhere but she's definitely friendly to Conrad. On that note, giving her a personality is gonna be hard because I can think of what she'd say, what she'd do. But I can't describe it in words. If I get some good idea of what she's like I'll put it into my next sprite attempt. For now, tschüss
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