#die doesn't always mean su*cide although that feels like an option sometimes

[calpicowater]

Week 34/52: August 23rd - August 29th 2021 | Hydrangeas in Abbotsford

Monday to Wednesday were my days off this week. I was still trying to recover from my vaccine on M/T so I just stayed up and watched drama (我的小确幸 A Little Happiness) to my heart’s content. Went to see bb on Wednesday! We watched pranks and WongFu together on youtube~ I bought this plum gummy candy from T&T for 99 cents to try and it was very strong plum but yum!!! Would like to try again. I just really love gummy candy. I went to work Thursday to Saturday. We were told to bring props and my coworker Diana and I brought the same thing (instant noodles) LMAO. It was unplanned af LOL just Asian things, I guess. Didn’t even end up using the props at all so not sure what the point of that was but at least we got this friendship photo together lmfao. 

I am so exhausted lol. The commute is so tiring. I want free time...

#365 #52 #ootd #i usually leave the depressing thoughts to twitter but i feel more comfortable ranting here today if thats ok #i genuinely cannot remember the last time i felt like i had a future... maybe in early high school years #what i mean is that for the past 8-9 years i always live as if i will die next year so i would never plan for my life beyond the 1 year mark #die doesn't always mean su*cide although that feels like an option sometimes #but some days i feel so horrible abt being alive i just want to go and i've felt like this for over a decade #and especially during the past 8 years it's been extra bad... so even if su*cide doesn't end up killing me #sometimes i feel like i am so fucking depressed i feel like it's going to kill me anyways one way or another #mental health and physical health go hand in hand and ever since i started dealing with extreme mental illness my physical health has been #deteriorating slowly... from irregular heartbeats to severe insomnia and often feeling motion sickness or general nausea from doing nothing #sometimes it feels like it's only a matter of days before a chronic physical illness hits me and i leave this world for good #i just don't know. i wish i could have a life and have a future but i cannot think beyond that #i just want to live my best right now. i just want to live as well as i can right now and think about the rest when it comes... if it comes #it's just so fucking hard and idk anything lol i just wish the suffering would end and i could be happy for once #haven't felt it in so long so idek what it is #anyway if u don't deal with mental illness consider yourself the luckiest person ever #also please do not tell me to go see a therapist #i am a psych grad i am aware of the research and i have my own reasons why i do not see one #thanks for reading all of this lol #not asking for anyone to feel bad for me tbh i am so used to just crying alone in my room by myself #been doing this for a decade i'm so used to it by now #maybe one day i will live until i am grown up and maybe one day i will have a life and live normally whatever that means #and i look forward to that day bc it means that i've beat it #and if that day doesn't come or if my time on earth ends soon then thats fine too #either way i've tried by best 我尽力了 #BE or HE it's all good... i am merely a speck of dust in the grand scheme of things #happy or sad... depressed or not... at the end of the day it really does not fucking matter #but i would do anything to be mentally healthy