on forgiveness.
i think "we" (christianity-shaped western culture?) need to talk about the concept of forgiveness nad it's problems.
my parents probably neglected me to some degree growing up. i know they had good intentions and that they tried to be better parents than their own parents were and i can see in which areas they succeeded with this, but there are also areas where they failed or came short. like in the areas of teaching me things like self care or emotional management or validating my own experiences.
it's sometimes hard to hold in my head at the same time that they are not evil or bad, and that they caused me a lot of pain. also blame is such a difficult thing because "we" use it too much when it's not useful. were they responsible for teaching me these things, yet did not do an adequate job? yes. is some degree of failure a normal part of parenting? also yes. blame is useless here, it doesn't tell me anything important or help me to process things, but blaming either them or myself or both parties leads to guilt and/or resentment, and those emotions feel like they are holding me back from working on fixing that relationship.
do i forgive my parents? that is impossible to answer. i don't hold it against them, because i understand that they did the best they could within the limits of their own upbringing, the stresses of poverty, immigration and culture shock, workplace drama bullshit, chronic pain and other health issues, and the neurodivergence that at least one of them definitely also has and didn't really know much about.
i cannot possibly hold it against them.
but i feel like saying that i forgive them implies that i am no longer allowed to feel angry or hurt or sad or upset or have flashbacks.
forgiveness is often pushed as necessary for healing, but i think that's probably a very christian thing. i think that for myself, what this concept holds that i actually care about, is the "holding it against them" part. in my experience conflict resolution, if successful, entails both parties understanding where the other is coming from and what their intentions are; which in any relationship worth entertaining are good ones; and to learn to trust in that again and maybe a little more than before, and i think me and my parents are doing that with each other. this whole understanding their point of view an intentions usually makes any holding it against someone unnecessary. i find i only keep a grudge if they havent explained their point of view in enough detail to convince me their intentions are good, or their intentions are actually not that good.
but if i say i forgive them then i am not allowed to feel angry anymore, and it is vital for my recovery that i be allowed to feel what i need to feel.
so i say for this situation its probably smart to completely throw the concept of forgiveness out the window and just say what i mean which needs many words but maybe most problems worth solving need many words.
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Hot psychology take:
Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder is *so* comorbid.
Like a 30-40% comorbidity rate. The two overlap a Lot. Mostly because of a gender differential; a lot of AMAB people are dx'd as Npd and AFABs are dx'd BPD even if they have the same symptoms.
Yet I'm seeing Borderline people like "Oh yeah I'm an EMPATH that was VICTIMIZED by a NARCISSIST" and Narcissists that are like "Oh I'm a shark chasing after prey, I don't feel anything, all I need a source."
Like no. Y'all ain't that different from one another. There is a substantial overlap in that Venn diagram. The fact that you act like this emotions vs. Non-emotional dichotomy fucking SENDS me, that's not how this works.
I'm Borderline. I don't have NPD, but I'm friends with at least two clinical Narcissists and I love them to death. I relate to them on some levels, not others. PwNPD have emotion, deep emotion, but they operate on the realization that emotional honesty is weakness and that ego is a defense. Borderlines have been punished for having identity and boundaries and therefore sacrifice it for the chance to be loved until they can't take it anymore. Both are trauma-born. Both can be manipulative. Both are statistically more often victims than perpetrators.
Cut the shit already.
-Sincerely, a Borderline dude that loves the entire Cluster B for what it is.
-Sparrow 🧷
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rules of engagement before we begin: do not seek the original post out to interact with it negatively or harass op in any way. if i find out about anybody doing that sort of shit i’ll block them so quick it’ll be the fastest i’ve moved all year. ok thx here we go
[image description: three screenshots of a post with the username blacked out. the introductory & closing paragraphs are as follows, & the bullet points will be listed within the body of this post. the introduction reads:
nobody warns you this but addiction happens without you noticing and one of the first things that it attacks is your ability to care. if you find yourself using recreational drugs every day, stop and take one day a week sober. if you struggle with this or if you don't see the point of the exercise, you are likely already addicted and you need help.
nobody ever taught me the warning signs for drug addiction, only that "it costs lots of money and destroys your life!!!1" which is not helpful if you can't recognize a developing addiction in yourself. so here's some things to watch out for with recreational drug use.
the conclusion reads: yes this applies to weed. weed is a drug and you can get addicted to it like any other substance. addiction is not the same as physical dependence; it is psychological and it can happen to anyone. you are not immune to addiction. end image description.]
now! fundamentally why i will never align with this kind of perspective is that i affirm addiction as a social construct, like all so-called mental illnesses, & the psychiatric institution which invents & reifies them as a fucking sham.
answer quickly:
what substances is it possible for one to become addicted to? does this include caffeine? why or why not?
is the claim of sugar addiction legitimate or anti-fat pseudoscience? what, if anything, differentiates this from other addiction science?
what is the harm of the so-called opioid epidemic: access to a safe supply of narcotics, or the lack thereof?
can an autistic person who eats the same dinner every night, for example, be said to be “psychologically addicted” to it if they have a meltdown & subsequent ongoing distress + disinterest in food when it is discontinued?
can you be addicted to psychiatric medication? immunosuppressants? why or why not?
my point is less that these behaviors are not indicative of addiction but rather that that wouldn’t inherently make them harmful. fuck it, let’s take it point by point!
planning your day around drugs e.g "i'll give myself an extra half hour before heading out so i can get high first"
this whole post had me asking “literally what is the problem with this,” starting with this first bullet! why does someone need to leave for the grocery store at 5:30 instead of 6, or whatever? and the other recurring theme: what happens if you replace “drugs” with “pain management”? (chronic pain is not the only valid reason to get high—all reasons for drug use are equally value-neutral—but it certainly still is one.) “i’ll give myself an extra half hour before heading out for my pain management to start working” is the kind of calculation familiar to most people with chronic pain. “stop and take one day a week without pain management” is not a test of whether you “need help,” it’s torture.
now, disregarding one’s priorities or commitments to other people in favor of drugs can happen, & in many circumstances it’s harmful to the other people impacted. that’s not what was said here, & stopping that behavior does not require getting sober.
rapidly switching emotions around drugs. you love them but you hate that you love them so much. you hate the way you feel on them but you hate being sober. feeling guilty after using even when you didn't give a crap beforehand.
do you know what else i love but hate that i love, what else i hate using? my fucking bed. three years ago, my mobility scooter. this is not a logical argument, this is a bullshit argument. my feelings about something do not inherently reflect its harm to others – or to myself, even, though i firmly argue for the right to make “self-harmful” decisions regardless.
you know what people hate being on but hate worse being off? the vast fucking majority of medications.
why might a drug user start to feel guilty when they previously didn’t? being shamed by friends, family, or a fucking tumblr post; surpassing a constructed threshold of “acceptable” use they didn’t know they’d internalized; experiencing new or greater access issues; beginning to probe their morality around drugs & unpack things they were taught; experiencing consequences of criminalization; getting triggered.
caring less about spending money. if you are budgeting for drugs like they are food, you are likely prioritizing them more than is healthy.
“if you are budgeting for pain management like it’s as important as food, you are likely prioritizing it more than is healthy.” health is absolutely useless as a value for me anyway, but: the food’s no good if i’m too nauseous or too dead to eat it.
prioritizing drugs over other people’s financial needs is harmful! this wouldn’t happen if food & drugs were provided to people; some people wouldn’t need as many drugs if their needs were met otherwise; people’s needs being met shouldn’t be dependent on their parent / partner / self not using drugs; this harm is not what the bullet says.
getting high to do household chores and other unpleasant things because it would suck less and be more bearable on drugs
“things should suck. because god wills it i said so.”
feeling anxious or restless while sober, not knowing what to do with oneself, feeling lost or ungrounded.
again just. what’s the problem with that. so what if being sober sucks or is boring or stressful or demanding. so what if someone decides to deal with that sober or decides to use more because of that. who gives a shit.
thinking about doing drugs constantly even while sober. maybe it's the first thing you think of when you wake up. maybe when you're bored or otherwise have free time, drugs are one of the first things you can think of to occupy yourself with.
“thinking about getting better pain management constantly when you’re in pain”
i feel like you’re gonna tell me the only thing that can really take my pain away is jesus
again like. what is the problem with doing drugs because you’re bored. why do i need to occupy myself, what, fucking productively?
going to work or school while under the influence, especially if it happens regularly and if you're seeing your performance suffer as a result.
what’s wrong with going to school high. derailing a class discussion is a dick move, maybe, but that’s not inherent to being high. work & performance are both very broad terms – a surgeon or someone operating heavy machinery not being sober is putting others at risk of harm in a way a cashier is not.
the idea of taking a 'tolerance break' sounds good to you until it's actually break time, at which point you can come up with 20 very reasonable sounding points to explain why it wouldn't benefit you actually and you should just keep doing drugs regardless.
y’all think this is incredibly circular logic too right? “drugs are bad, so telling yourself drugs are not bad is proof that they’re bad.” took me right back to the sunday school classroom and i wish i was fucking exaggerating. it’s an argument founded upon the inherent wrongness of trusting yourself – what you want to do must be wrong because you want it. this is one of the points that’s a more solid indicator of, like, “congrats! you’re now in circumstances doctors are salivating to psychiatrize as XYZ Use Disorder,” but that doesn’t make it any less nonsense as a moral argument.
even if you succeed at quitting the drug, you keep your dealer's number on your phone "just in case"
so what. what’s wrong with giving yourself the continual autonomy to choose whether or not to do drugs. what’s wrong with quitting drugs for a while and starting using again.
you pretend to be sober when you aren't. you worry about other people noticing how much time you spend high. you make efforts to hide your drug use or minimize how much other people think you're using. you're scared of other people's judgement if they were to find out.
this one might be the most ludicrous to me, which is really saying something. “if other people being bigoted towards drug users makes you pretend to use less than you do, that’s your fault & not theirs.” cool! thanks for the quick heads up to not believe a word you say!
you have mood swings laced with self-hatred, regret, financial worries, and guilt. these mood swings are then very quickly wiped away by feelings of "but it doesn't matter, i can do what i want, and clearly i'm doing just fine while using drugs frequently". news flash, if you are rapidly switching between feeling numb-ok and hating yourself more than anything because of your drug use, you are mentally ill.
again, “the norm knows you better than you know yourself, you can’t listen to yourself, the body is wrong, wanting is wrong, pleasure is wrong, you are wrong wrong wrong.” but god, what a beautiful example of how oppression is psychiatrized: it’s not enough for the oppression to have worked, the system must then convince us that the effects of it working are our own fault. it’s not enough to just kill us with us fully aware of the knife, it’s gotta convince us we’re bleeding out for no reason. if you want any moments of pleasure during your miserable godforsaken little life you’d better put your nose back on the goddamn grindstone and repent. everything around you for your entire life has told you to hate yourself for your drug use but if the combined force of that violence works you are mentally ill, and that is the worst crime of all.
according to this post, when is it okay to use drugs, then? well, not planned into your day, and not at work or school, but not when you’re bored or have been thinking about it too much, and not if anyone who’d judge you or you don’t trust knowing you’re high or you just don’t want knowing is around, and not if you don’t want to quit, but also not if you’ve quit already. you have to hate your drug use otherwise that’s proof it’s attacked your ability to care but hating your drug use is proof you should stop. #JustSayNo
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TMNT Pain Index
Inspired by the “Justin O Schmidt Pain Index” based on the idea that the TMNT have their own sense-perception, unable to differentiate between psychological and physical pain, so they scale it:
Pain Level 1:
(Possible sensations: Annoyance. Irritation. Confusion. Slight frustration. Cuteness Agression. Extreme boredom. But still feeling safe. Chafed skin, Bruises, scraping, but no blood.)
Easy, Itchy, irritating! Like your bale-brother bites you after he licked an onion. Like a rat tail slap. Like you had only 4 hours of sleep before having to do chores. Your brother pushing a chilli Cheeto up your nose. Like you’re drinking a bottle of shampoo on a dare. Like the softshell is biting you, but you had it coming and you don’t taste that good.
Pain Level 2:
(Stress. Disappointment. Building Anger. Slight shame. Overstimulation. But still safe. Cuts, light blood, deeper bruising, First to Second-grade burns.)
Trivial with a hint of Spice, somewhat crunchy. Like you mashed your hand in the tank door. Like a shitty dream, but you’re already forgetting. Like the snapper jumped on your foot on accident. Like the slider gives you a nose job with an dictionary, but it’s the thinnest edition and you sorta had it coming. Like someone yells at you for misbehaving. Like you smash into concrete, but the sick flip was worth it.
Pain Level 3
(Distress. Rage. Strong Anxiety. Strong Guilt. But all still under control OR adrenaline numbed. Cracked bones and joints, Lacerations AFTER stitching/bandaging. Third+ degree burns.)
Deep, racing, irrationally intense and long-lasting. Like you limp through sewer water with a rusty five-inch nail stuck in your heel. Like the silence after a yelling match escalated. Like you broke the gift your brother has worked months on. The full biteforce of Donnie’s razor teeth (like he wants to tear out a chunk). Like sleep paralysis.
Pain Level 4:
(Terror. Extreme Rage. Extreme Protectiveness. Cracked/Broken Exoskeleton, Loss of a limb. Immediate aid and/or teamwork needed!)
Unbearable. You can't controll your behavior, you might sound crazy as you hiss/growl/scream. Hurts like the biteforce of savage Raph. Like parasites are moving under your skin. Like someone you love is dying.
Just some ideas lol. Feel free to add to it, or use in fanworks
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When people are saying "narcissistic abuse doesn't exist", we're not saying that person didn't abuse you, we're saying that there is no differentiation from a neurotypical/abled abuser and an abuser with a personality disorder.
There are different types of abuse, such as physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, etc. But there is no unique abuse caused by someone with mental illness.
We're saying that abuse isn't specifically caused by mental illness, and to insinuate that is to be ableist. Not all crimes nor abuse are caused by people with mental disorders. It's an ableist myth that mentally ill people are evil or dangerous just because they're mentally ill or neurodivergent.
You could be abused by anyone, with any type of abuse. But narcissistic, bpd, or otherwise abuse is NOT a type of abuse. Stop being ableist. Stop pushing narratives that people with these disorders and disabilities are evil just because they have them.
Be real for one second and don't assume strangers are evil because they're mentally ill. Sure, you got abused by one. But plenty of us have been abused by people who have traits that make them systemically oppressed. Like abused by women, abused by people of color, abused by queer people, etc. But we don't say their abusive traits are caused by that. They're abusive because they're a bad person, not because they're a minority.
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