Things in the head have challenging today. There is a lot of conflict between parts and things are blurry.
Our partner went back to work Monday so we suddenly went from having very little alone time to a Lot of time alone. Which is turning out to be a bit challenging given the current situation.
A lot of today has been occupied about internal debates about how we can help support BLM right now. There are parts that want to join protests and looked up protests being organized for this weekend. However, other parts are concerned that we would be a hindrance rather than a help due to our physical limitations. We also have experienced violence at the hands of the police before and have trauma responses just seeing a cop when out in public. Given the dissociative nature of these episodes, we could be danger not only to ourselves but those around us if we were to freeze up and not follow orders.
As such, the overall consensus seems to be that we shouldn’t go to protest, though there is still a lot of disagreement amongst parts.
We’re trying to find other ways to get involved but have continued to run into barriers this far. It’s proving to be a painful reminder of how disabled we are. Our ability to type is limited by fingers that constantly sublux. We’re limited in even our time sitting up each day. And those are the good days.
It hurts to realize how little we have to give. We do so little and yet struggle to do more. Between our mental and physical disabilities, we are just so limited.
And beyond the limitations from disability, we have very little power in our own life, let alone the world. We are mostly housebound in the middle of nowhere. We have no money of our own. We don’t have contact with anyone outside our family.
And that’s a whole other problem. Our father is a hardcore tr*mp supporter. F*x news is on constantly in the house. Even before recent events, interacting with our parents has been a struggle. They are so entrenched in far right ideology that they don’t listen to anything outside that bubble. Our father often tries to bait us into arguments by making offensive statements when in shared company. And it’s not safe for us to argue as we are dependent on them for housing. Not like arguing would make a difference. We’re automatically written off before we even speak. For the past week, I’ve mostly just been trying to avoid them because things won’t go well if I lose my cool in response to provocation.
I’m also struggling with parts who are convinced that all of this is a sign of the end times and are terrified. And I’m not really sure how to help them.
I just feel so helpless in the midst of everything happening. I want to help, to do some good, but I don’t know how to help in a sustainable way. Anything I can think of will likely lead to injury that would leave us even less able to help. fuck, just showering this morning caused one of our shoulders to sublux.
Anyway, this is rambling mess of messy thoughts, but it helps to express them in some way.
~a blurry person