#disassociation tw
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I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I mean I knew I could mistake dreams for reality sometimes but like- when there’s actual evidence, real actual stuff I can read through and somehow I was still so wrong.
I just can’t tell if anything is real, or if it’s all in my head.
I know solipsism is an irrational position and I know all the arguments against it, but this early in the morning it’s what I’m leaning towards.
At the very least all of this means one less thing I need to deal with. Less logistics and planning to work out.
Anyway, as said by fictional ethics and moral philosophy professor, Chidi Anagonye:
“You know, in a larger sense, if you go around acting like no one else matters, then you end up doing things like knocking over cakes, and pushing people into pools and just generally acting like a jerk. Why not treat them better, just in case they're real? I mean, what do you have to lose by treating people with kindness and respect?”
#dereality#derealization#depersonalization#disassociation tw#disasociation#personal#can I tell if anything is real? no#does that mean I’m suddenly gonna be selfish and treat people poorly? also no
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There's a bitter taste in his throat and a thrumming sound in his head that won't subside. He doesn't notice the wider than usual berth that people give him as he stalks his way back towards the apartment he shares with Desi. Part of him would be relieved, if he had. The other part of him was begging for someone to get in his way, to slow him down, or make a comment.
Most people had more survival instinct than he did, though, and it wasn't like his reputation wasn't fairly well known to the locals.
His palm and fingers ached, and he let himself relish in the feel of it. It was safer than letting his attention drift to the stiffness in his shoulders, and the howling in his chest.
He had a thought, that maybe he should stop by the clinic, get the pretty doctor lady to deal with it, before he went back to the apartment. But Desi was waiting. Desi needed an answer.
She was fine. Hannah was fine. Sleeping it off. Slept through it. No monsters under the bed. Just one at the door.
He knows his legs are moving. He knows his heart is beating. His lungs fill with air, and release it. He can feel the blood drip down his palm, trails of it down his fingers.
He makes a mental note to pick up a new hand terminal.
He feels like he's moving through the world in tunnel vision.
It takes longer than he wants for the door to chime in recognition and let him into the apartment.
"She's fine." He can't tell if the words come out flat or if they come out in a snarl.
@aeternals / desi gets a starter.
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For your own good
ai-less whumptober
day 4-betrayal
fandom- batman
TW-dissociation, slightly suicidal thought (if you want to avoid don’t read the section between the 000000000), hurt/no comfort
summary- Jason forcing Bruce to choose between the Joker and him doesn't go well at all
ao3
masterlist
Jason was trembling.
His hands were cuffed and he was in the back of the Batmobile.
His plan had failed disastrously. He always knew it would. He just didn’t think it would end like this.
He had already tried talking to his dad… Bruce Batman, but the Bat had just ignored him.
“It's for your own good.” had been the only thing Batman had said to him before shoving him into the Batmobile.
His only mercy had been that the Joker had been left for the police to pick up. But that was still little consolation.
Jason closed his eyes as the Batmobile pulled onto the bridge that led to Arkham.
He started counting his breaths, no use hyperventilating before he was even there.
The Batmobile jerked to a stop and Batman got out before opening the door to the back and pulling him out.
Jason stumbled, the only reason he didn’t fall was thanks to the bruising grip Batman had on his arm. His vision narrowed and his breaths picked up slightly. No. He couldn’t panic. Not here. When he was alone. Would they put him alone? Would Bruce Batman give him the courtesy of assuring he got his own cell?
A guard approached them.
This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. His own dad father Batman couldn’t be leaving him to rot in Arkham.
Everyone knew the doctors were no good. Why was he doing this? He was leaving him in the same place as that clown.
Jason’s mind started to go blank and he let it.
***
The next time he was aware he was being shoved into a cell. He stumbled and fell, bruising his shoulder and hip on the concrete floor.
He heard his cell door slam shut.
He didn’t bother getting up, just curled into a ball and trembled.
***
Jason wasn’t fully present most of the time. It was easier that way. He could sit silently through his mandatory therapy session, he vomited any pills they gave him. The only problem was during meal times when all the prisoners from a block ate together. None of the big bads were there, mostly just other crooks but one had wanted to start a fight on Jason’s first day there. Jason had put a stop to that fairly quickly and the man had to be taken away by medics.
They had locked Jason in solitary confinement for 21 days. Part of Jason’s mind acknowledged that since he was 19 it was illegal to put him in solitary, but mostly Jason had just been glad. He kind of wished he could stay there, but he knew people kept in solitary for too long went mad and he rather liked his mind.
***
How long was he supposed to be here?
Was it for a certain amount of time or until he was ‘cured.’
There hadn’t even been a trial!
***
00000000
He asked his mandated therapist the next time they met. It had been the first time he had talked in a session. She just said that he needed to focus on getting better.
Jason hadn’t said anything after that.
What was there to cure?
The only cure would be undoing his resurrection.
0000000
****
5 years later
A car was parked in front of Arkham. Bruce Wayne was standing by it.
Soon, a young man was seen walking out of Arkham.
Bruce embraced the young man who smiled back with wide vacant eyes.
#ailesswhumptober#ailesswhumptober2023#day 4#betrayal#bad parent bruce wayne#suicidal thoughts tw#disassociation tw#batman#bruce wayne#Jason todd#red hood#batman fanfiction
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An aesthetic/moodboard for a Roxy using vague themes of disassociation
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I clock in, I disassociate, I clock out
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where: the medical wing
when: night of day sixty-three
who: thea & annie (@perfectaches)
staff tells her it will be another twenty-four hours before she will eventually potentially get her clearance to be released to the general public. it's a polite nod and a broken glass smile given from annie's end in response. is she so painfully obvious that the medical personnel here see right through her ? she hopes not. aching anxiety wraps her in a web, all from the uncertainty of the status given tomorrow. and this gnawing worry that if she acknowledges how she feels, that this district will be too enthralled by the opportunity to keep her baby boy away from her. it's finnick, whose arms wrap around her like a comforting blanket, that grounds her within the corridors of the wing.
in nearly three days time, this is the first time where he has seemed to be in a deeper sleep. he's always looked angelic when he does, not dissimilar to sweet caspian. she's carefully and gently slipping out from the hospital bed. he needs some rest, and she hadn't seen her neighbor since noon. other than the sound of medical machinery beeping, it's weirdly quiet. it makes annie cresta worry. " thea, honey, how are you doing ? " she asks while coming in. she'll never get used to seeing her friend restrained here. irony is funny that way, after everything they've endured and witnessed other's endure at the mercy of the capitol.
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Thoughts about post season three Anil.
After Zane dies, Anil moves in with the Borgs. She gets a lot of mail from both people who sympathize with her and people who feel bad for Archangel, since she said in an interview a couple times that she really looked up to him. She doesn't read any of it for a while.
She doesn't eat most days. Shes too busy trying to pick up the slack of the other ninja to come home and have actual meals. So she loses a lot of weight.
She spends the majority of her time half disassociating.
One day she ends up saving this guy and then passes out immediately after, and the guy ends up taking her home. He gives her some banana bread. After that, she starts getting a lil better, but its not until she gets the invite to the Tournament that she really snaps back into reality.
Shes still only 120 pounds by the time the tournament rolls around. She used to be 220.
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@104thsquadfam sent:
“My name is Levi Ackermann. I’m 30. I live in the Underground. My name is Levi-” - Have Levi with amnesia after an expedition and doesn't remember anything.
Dissociation Starters.
Many Scouts experienced head trauma in some way or another when battling Titans, either by a miscalculation in their landing or by being swatted away, or maybe just from a training scenario. But, what no one-- not even Erwin-- expected Levi himself to deal with that... and lose his memory of the years they spent together. It was something that had to be silently told to Erwin by Hange before Levi would need to arrive to Erwin's office.
To say it was something that nearly broke the Commander would've been an understatement-- Levi was one of his closest comrades, a man he'd entrusted his life to despite their... rather odd meeting situation. While Levi didn't know everything about Erwin and vice versa... well, Levi was practically his right-hand man. So to see him like this...
... Erwin refused to lose his stoicism. To panic or get upset would only leave the amnesiac Captain flustered-- so, moving from his desk, he approached Levi with that sense of elegance and dignity that any Commander would have, holding out his hand to Levi. Yes, he made sure his hand was clean. He still knew Levi's habits.
" Yes, you're right. My name is Commander Erwin Smith-- I'm the current Commander of the Survey Corps, " Erwin introduced himself, formally as ever. Though, while the title change would be needed if Levi were to continue working with him... he'd need to work hard to make sure he didn't overwhelm Levi too much... though, Erwin knew himself, too. Sometimes he got carried away...
" You may not remember much, and I apologize for that. You were recently restrained for stealing and illegal usage of Omni-Directional Mobility Gear. But... due to your skills, I thought it best to recruit you for the Survey Corps and refrain from handing you over from the Military Police. "
#[ teacher... how do i investigate something that doesnt exist? | ask answered . ]#[ if we fail here; we will never get another chance | ic / in character . ]#104thsquadfam#ask to tag tw#dissociation tw#disassociation tw#amnesia tw#medical amnesia tw#memory loss tw
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Jesse, what happened to your good sense?
| No Warnings Apply | 1/1 | Hurt/Comfort | 06/05/2022 (MM/DD/YYYY)
CW: Car Accident, Trauma Flashbacks, Disassociation
“Jesse, on the way home from a trip to visit his sister, ends up swerving to avoid hitting a deer. His reaction to going through a near-death experience? Annoyance. His nonchalant attitude is immensely worrying to the other members, but it’s not anything deeper than that, surely.
He definitely is one hundred percent a-okay. That’s what he keeps saying after all.”
Links: AO3 | Full Fic Below Cut
Of all the members of 4*Town, Jesse was the one who got most frazzled by inconveniences. When his time was taken up by things that he had no will to do, he was the first to get frustrated, to quit, to complain.
And Jesse could complain.
He'd actually been complaining about his lack of patience to Taeyoung once. The kid just shrugged, commenting about how Jesse never lost his patience with the other members of 4*Town. He was just particular about how he spends his time. That was all.
He wasn't sure he agreed, he'd definitely got in a fair few spats with the boys. They were never the "I don't like you" kind of fights though.
The worst one happened only a few months after they debuted. They'd flown to Florida to film a few interviews and spend some time in Disney to get photos, and Aaron T. snuck out of the hotel without telling anyone. He got lost, and didn't want to call anyone on the team because he was afraid of the consequences, so he hitchhiked back to the hotel. He didn't get back until well into the next morning.
Jesse would never forget waking up alone in his hotel room, the bed cold and bathroom empty. He'd never forget the thin sheen of panic as he checked the gym, and the pool, and the business lounge, and eventually the other hotel room, where Robaire, Aaron Z., and Taeyoung were staying.
When Aaron T. finally got back, exhausted, frazzled, and hungry, Jesse ordered room service and tore him to pieces.
"If you want to go out, that's fine. If you want to go out on your own, whatever man, you're an adult. You can make your own choices, but when you make shitty ones? I'm gonna get pissed."
Aaron T. had groaned. "What else was I supposed to do?"
"Call me. You could have called me."
In all fairness, as harsh as the rest of the argument had been, Aaron T. always called him after that. He couldn't know for certain, but there was a solid chance having that conversation early enough in their career saved Aaron from more kidnapping attempts than he'd already experienced.
On the topic of inconveniences, Jesse's whole day had been one big disaster. He'd been given the day off, since he'd got all his vocal work for their next album done early. He took the chance to go visit his sister.
The visit was fine, more tense than he would've liked. Apparently, his dad was trying to get back in the picture. That was just about the last thing he needed to deal with.
The drive to his sister's place was only an hour and a half, most of it being a relatively straight, well lit road with thin forest on either side. It was quite pretty. The setting sun filtered through the leaves, speckling the road like the bottom of a pond. The forest was wonderfully full of life. He thought about painting it sometime, if he could ever find room in their apartment to set up an easel.
It was that exact wildlife that seemed keen on ruining his day even further.
In all fairness, he was pretty distracted. The time he spent with his sister kept his mind reeling. The idea of seeing his dad again was... not something he was too keen on.
He was so distracted that he didn't see the deer until it was right in front of him.
He swerved, taking a hard right to avoid hitting it. The back end of his car hit something, a telephone pole, and spun out, the airbag deploying like a punch to the face. The car tilted, his door almost level with the dirt, but he couldn't feel gravity pulling him toward it. Was he in a ditch?
What had just happened?
He sat there, completely still, incredibly conscious and incredibly confused. The car radio continued to play.
Then, slowly, he lifted a finger to his nose. It came away bloody. His eyes stung with tears, probably from the airbag's assault on his face.
Carefully, he tried turning his head. No neck pain, that was probably good. He got a look at the rest of the car.
It was... well, it was definitely a wreck. The rear door had caved completely in. Any passengers there would have been a lot worse off than him. The front passenger door had also sustained significant damage. He leaned over to try and push it open, but it didn't budge.
Great. Fantastic. His side of the car was flesh with the dirt, and the other side was too damaged to use the doors. That was just swell.
Whoever had dug this abnormally large ditch was gonna... he wasn't quite sure. They probably had a good reason, it was just really, really, inconvenient.
The other super amazing thing about the whole situation was that his phone was in his bag, which just so happened to be wedged in between the right backseat and the part of the door that protruded where the pole had hit. There was no way he could reach it.
He rested his head back, shut his eyes, and waited for something to happen.
"I've never met nobody—"
For fucks sake.
Look, it wasn't that he didn't like the song. On most occasions, he would have thought it was pretty cool that it was on the radio. He just really, really didn't need to hear it right then.
He tried to tune out his own voice, picking apart the harmony lines that they'd slaved over in the recording studio. He chose to find comfort in their voices.
He wished he could call them. He was fine, but he was also going to be late, probably much later than he could conceive at that moment. I mean, he had to wait for someone else to call someone to get him out. That alone could be hours. The boys would worry. They would worry a lot.
To pass the time, he played a little game with himself. As the radio droned on, playing hit song after hit song, he started counting how many songs he didn't recognize before they got to the chorus. In a way, paying close attention to the popular music playing at 7:30pm (ish) on a Tuesday was kinda productive. He picked apart what he liked, making mental note after mental note about things to try the next time he got behind some recording software.
He thought about turning off the car, preserving gas for when it got colder, but he didn't want to risk someone driving by and thinking that the wreckage was old. If the car was still running, and the lights were still on, someone could pull over.
He realized that he'd gotten really lucky. With how damaged as his car was, it could have caught fire with the engine still running. He figured that, if it was going to happen, it probably would have already.
The most he did to try and make the car safer was set the e-brake and put the car in park.
He really did just sit there. There was nothing else to do, not until he heard loud music from something distinctly louder than his stereo. It sounded like someone had decided to throw a party right outside his car. He turned the music down, trying to pick up on what was going on.
"Hello?" A girl called, "Is anyone in there?"
"Yeah, I can't get out." He called back.
A face appeared in the passenger seat window. She looked young, probably barely old enough to drive on her own. She had a cardigan wrapped tightly around her shoulders, as though it was freezing outside the car. She looked at him with wide eyes.
She spoke through the window, the sound clear enough to suggest that there might've been a hole somewhere he couldn't see. "No fucking way. You're Jesse."
Man. This really was a shitty day.
Once again, it wasn't that he didn't like meeting fans. He loved it under most circumstances, it was just that talking to fans meant he was on the clock. More than anything, Jesse was not thrilled about having to put on a face for a stranger. In all fairness, he would have had to do that regardless of who showed up to rescue him.
Alas, this was a 4*Townie, one that had he was almost certain had been sent from heaven as some kind of saviour, because she immediately covered her mouth, shaking her head a little.
"Sorry, that's probably not helpful, are you okay?"
He gave her a thumbs up. "Pretty sure everything is in the right place."
"Your nose is bleeding."
"That was the airbag."
"I'm calling an ambulance."
He was a fool for thinking he wasn't going to have to visit the hospital. It's not like someone could call the emergency line to get him out and not have him sent to hospital, not after a wreck like that. The thought of it still made him feel infinitely more tired.
She disappeared briefly, and he turned the car off. When she returned, she held up her phone.
"Do you need to call anyone?"
Relief trickled down his back like chills. "That would be great."
He relayed Robaire's number to her, and she put the phone on speaker, holding it out of his line of sight, definitely near the unseen hole in the window.
It rang for a while, then went to voicemail.
"Hello, this is Robaire—"
He groaned. "For the love of god."
The girl's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Jesse gave her a smile.
"He never answers unknown numbers the first time, if we pester him enough, he'll pick up."
"Okay, cool, uh, let me try again then."
It went to voicemail again. Jesse didn't let any worry fester. Robaire would pick up.
She tried again. It rung twice, and then—
"This is Robaire speaking."
"Hi Robaire."
"Jesse? What's with the random phone number?"
"Doesn't matter, I'm gonna be home late, got in a minor accident."
"Wha—"
The girl's mouth fell open. "Minor?"
"Jesse." He could picture Robaire pacing around the living room, eyes closed and a hand on the back of his neck.
"It's not that bad."
"Are you okay?"
Somewhere in the distant void of the phone call, he heard Taeyoung's voice. "What happened?"
"I'm fine, there's an ambulance on the way already."
The phone seemed to explode with chaos, and he cursed his poor wording. He couldn't get another word in over the panic.
"You need an ambulance?" Robaire's voice was the only clear one.
"He needs an ambulance?"
"What happened?"
"Jesse's hurt?"
"I'm fine," he stated again, "relax, the ambulance is only coming because I can't get out of the car. It's precautionary."
"How'd you end up crashing? Was anyone else involved?"
"He crashed?"
The quality of the call changed. Jesse guessed Robaire put it on speaker.
"I'm fine." He announced... again.
"Were there other vehicles?"
"Just me. There was a deer."
He was met with silence.
Then Aaron T.'s voice came through the phone. "Aren't you supposed to just, hit the deer? Isn't that the first thing they teach you in driving school?"
"Not always," Robaire said, "they taught me that hitting larger animals could be pretty dangerous."
"Shut up Canadian, they only told you that because you live in a country that has moose."
Aaron Z. spoke up. "Did Jesse even go to driving school?"
He rolled his eyes. "Yes, I had a driving instructor, can we talk about this later?"
"Right," Robaire said, suddenly sounding like he aged ten years, "who's with you then?"
The girl went completely stiff. Jesse nodded to her.
"Hi," she said, "I'm Amanda. I was driving by."
"Hi Amanda, thanks for letting him use your phone."
"It's really nothing."
"I wouldn't say that," Aaron T. chimed in, "He can be a twat."
Jesse rolled his eyes. "Stop watching British TV shows, our manager is gonna get pissy if you keep talking like that."
"I will do whatever I want Jesse. If I may remind you, I am an adult."
He turned to Amanda. "This is the exact reason why you should not be a fan."
Her cheeks flamed up. "Really? I think it's kinda cute."
"Oh ho ho." Aaron T. got much closer to the phone. "Amanda is a 4*Townie? Why didn't you say so?"
"T—"
"Amanda," he drew out her name, "Did you know that Jesse is afraid of peacocks?"
"What?" She glanced at him. "Really?"
"Ask me how we found out."
Jesse pleaded, "Please do not."
Aaron T. continued anyway. "We went to a petting zoo, Tae's idea, and there was a section with peacocks. You weren't actually allowed to go in and pet the peacocks, but you know, they were there."
"Robaire, please shut him up."
"He took the phone." Robaire sounded distracted.
"So Jesse is not paying attention, he was brooding about something, what were you brooding about?"
"I was not brooding."
"Right!" Aaron T. exclaimed, "You were upset that our schedule didn't have time for the local museum."
"You could have gone without us," Taeyoung added.
"And because he was brooding, he didn't see the peacocks until we were right there, and when I tell you he screamed—"
"Oh my God, I thought he'd just witnessed a murder or something." Taeyoung egged him on.
"Yeah, no kidding, he was thoroughly freaked. Absolutely booked it."
"When I get home, I'm calling management to tell them that I quit."
"Piss off," Aaron Z. said, "You couldn't leave us if you tried."
"You'd really put your money on that?"
"Who's gonna save you from the current peacock infestation?"
"Z!" Aaron T. cackled.
"Don't even joke," Jesse spat, "If you've never been chased by a peacock, you don't get to pick on me for it."
"That's a story I'd love to hear." Taeyoung said.
"Amanda," Robaire asked, "Is it okay if I take your number down? Not for anything bad, it's just in case we need to contact you about legal stuff."
Her voice held a confident tone, but she still looked petrified. "Yeah that's fine."
"You've been nothing but great," Jesse assured, "the agency just might want you to sign an NDA, just as a precaution."
"Wouldn't want personal information leaked, I get that." She nodded. "I expected as much."
Jesse didn't hear the sirens until the trees lit up with red.
Amanda looked over her shoulder. "That's the firetruck."
"We should start heading to the hospital," Robaire decided.
"It could be a while still."
"Z. looks like he's gonna blow a fuse if we don't leave right now."
"He's already got his shoes on." Taeyoung added.
"Okay, okay." Jesse chuckled. "I'll see you there."
The call ended, and Jesse breathed out a slow sigh.
"They really put you at ease," Amanda observed.
"I don't know that that's what I would've taken from the call."
"I don't know, it just seemed like you were all really friends."
What? Maybe he was naive, but he assumed it was obvious that they were friends.
"We would've killed each other by now if we didn't like each other."
"That's kinda really cool to hear. Maybe if the NDA doesn't forbid it, I could defend your honour."
"Our honour? From what?"
She blinked. "One of the ways people try to discredit 4*Town's success is saying that you all probably hate each other."
"That's news to me."
"Really?"
"I don't pay much attention to that kind of stuff."
"More power to you, I think I would be obsessed."
"Yeah?"
"In all fairness, I don't think I'd like being famous very much at all. I mean, I can imagine this—" She gestured to the car, and then to herself. "—is pretty hard for you."
He shrugged. "You've been chill, I'm not too bothered."
In reality, he was bothered as hell, just not bothered by her.
"That's good to hear." She let out a nervous laugh. "Cause I've been freaking out this whole time."
"Respectful." He changed his mind. "That's gonna take you very far."
"Excuse me." A firefighter came into view of the window. "Hi. My name is Keith. I'm with the fire department. We have the equipment to get you out, but we need to check a few things first. Is that okay?"
Amanda backed up. "I'll leave you to it."
***
No matter how much he insisted he was fine, the aid car attendants still made him go to the hospital for a quick check. Someone gave him a wipe to clean the blood off his face, so when he caught sight of his reflection in the emergency room window, he looked completely and utterly normal. To anyone passing by, he probably looked like he was there to visit a patient, not a doctor.
One more thing to add to the list of things he was annoyed about.
The emergency room staff took him to a private room, one usually used for serious injuries. He was told not to feel bad, that the ER wasn't very busy, they could afford to use the private room, but it still felt like a waste of resources and time.
On top of that, it took them twenty long minutes to sort out the other members. Jesse asked the hospital staff about it, and his doctor sent a nurse to hunt them down, and then left to go tend to their other patients, leaving him alone with a clock and the world's most annoying heart-rate monitor.
Finally, he heard Robaire's voice from outside the door. "How is he?"
"I can hear you," he retorted.
The door opened, and the members filed in.
Taeyoung cheered, "Jesse!"
"You look normal." Aaron T. observed.
"Please tell that to the staff, maybe they'll believe you."
"Wow." Aaron Z. looked around. "They really put you in the most boring room."
The door opened again, and his doctor walked in.
"Wow! It sure got crowded in here. Jesse, I have your test results. Everything looks good. From the state your car was in, you should consider yourself very lucky."
The doctor handed him a letter-sized printout of the accident. He grimaced. Everything he'd observed from the inside looked much worse from the out.
Robaire caught a glance of it over his shoulder. "Holy—"
"Haha, yeah." He folded the picture quickly. "Can I go home?"
"You're all good to go."
"Thanks, okay, let's go."
He shoved the photo into his back pocket, speed-walking to the ER doors.
"Jesus christ Jesse, slow down." Aaron T. jogged to match his pace. "We're in the main parking lot."
Taeyoung's arms slipped around his waist, his chin propped on Jesse's shoulder. "I'm glad you're not hurt."
He took the moment to breathe, to enjoy the intimacy, to dispel some of the tension that he'd held onto. The tedious part was over. He could go home now.
It wasn't going to be as simple as going straight to bed though. From the way Robaire was looking at him, he had a feeling he was in for a load as soon as he got settled.
"How about." Aaron T. got in the driver's seat. "I drive."
"I call shotgun!" Taeyoung reached for the passenger door.
"No you don't." Aaron Z. shoved his way in. "Jesse has been in enough accidents today. The two of you will not be in the front together."
Jesse slipped into the backseat, scooting over so that he was in the middle.
They drove in silence for a while, with nothing but the radio and the drum of the air conditioning. The car was stuffy, the tension thickening the air so much that Jesse found it hard to breathe.
"You said it was a deer?" Robaire spoke up suddenly.
"Mhm."
More silence, at least one song's worth.
"That photo..."
Jesse shut his eyes to hide that he was rolling them. "It wasn't that bad."
"That was bad. That was really bad."
"I was there, I can guarantee you that it wasn't."
"Can we save this for when I'm not driving?" He met Aaron T.'s eyes through the rear-view mirror. "I feel like it's bad juju to talk about car crashes when you're in a moving vehicle."
"I wanna see the photo." Taeyoung complained.
Robaire slumped back into his seat. "No you don't, not if you want to sleep tonight."
"Was it really that bad?"
"Hello, still driving."
"No, it wasn't," Jesse said, "Ro, can we drop it?"
"I don't—"
"Please?"
They made eye contact.
"We'll talk about it more at home."
"Can we stop for food?" Aaron Z. asked. Robaire started to disagree, but he interrupted him. "I wasn't asking you."
"Oh my god." Taeyoung ran his hands through his hair. "If you don't stop going at each other's throats I'm gonna jump out of the car."
Aaron T. scoffed. "Amen."
"I don't want this to turn into a fight," Jesse put out.
"Is McDonald's okay? It might be the only thing open right now."
"Yeah, that's fine."
Robaire sighed, shutting his eyes and leaning his head against the window. "I'm sorry, I'm still processing. I shouldn't snap."
Guilt twisted in Jesse's abdomen. "No, I'm sorry, I know this kind of thing is really stressful for you. We'll get into it properly at home."
"Are you sure?"
They pulled into the McDonald's drive-thru.
"I'm sure."
"Z., what do you want?"
"Just some fries please."
"Anyone else?"
"I'm okay, I've been snacking since my session ended." Taeyoung said.
Robaire nodded. "I'm good."
"Jesse?"
"I'll eat at home."
"Mkay." He sounded like he didn't believe him.
"Hello, welcome to McDonald's, what can I get started for you today?"
"Hi! Could I get two large fries and a chicken nugget happy meal please?"
"Alright, and what sauce for the nuggets?"
Aaron T. turned in his seat. "Jesse?"
"Me?"
"Yea, they're for you, what sauce?"
"Uh, sweet and sour?"
He turned back. "Sweet and sour please."
"And the drink?"
Jesse put on an annoyed expression, but Aaron clearly wasn't buying it. "Your drink, sir?"
"Sprite, please."
"Sprite."
"Alright! Is that everything for you today?"
"Yup, that's everything."
"Your total is $7.17 at the first window."
"Thank you!"
"Have a good day."
As soon as they started driving again, Jesse leaned forward to slap Aaron T. on the shoulder. "A happy meal? Really?"
"Oi! Don't pretend you didn't get excited the last time I bought you a happy meal."
Jesse gaped. "Oi? Seriously, where are you picking up this new slang from?"
After getting their food, it was a straight shot home. Taeyoung insisted that Jesse check what toy he got, and had been fiddling with the plastic Snow White keychain since he handed it over. By the time they got out of the car, he'd attached it to the collar of his shirt. Jesse thought it was cute.
After a day like the one he'd had, home sweet home took on a new meaning. He practically collapsed onto the couch, the happy meal box abandoned on the coffee table as he threw his arms around one of the decorative pillows.
"It is so good to be home." He breathed it in.
The other boys moved around each other in the well practised dance of bringing the apartment back to life. Lights turned on, kitchen cupboards opened, the sliding glass door to the balcony opened, curtains were drawn, and finally, they all sat.
Aaron Z. discarded the happy meal box, emptying the contents onto a lunch-sized plate and handing the fine cuisine to Jesse. He blindly took a nugget.
"So," Robaire said.
"It really wasn't that bad."
"Jesse—"
"Please just, let me say my piece, and then whatever."
Everyone watched him. He took that as his cue to continue.
"I know the picture looked bad, and there's no way that car is ever hitting the road again, but from the inside? It was fine. I was, I am fine. Honest to god the only thing I was worried about was worrying all of you. I saw a deer, I swerved to avoid it, I ended up in a ditch, and I'm fine."
"Can I see the picture?" Taeyoung asked again.
He hesitated, looking to Robaire for his opinion.
"If he wants to." Robaire shrugged. "Better than letting his imagination run wild."
He fished the folded paper out of his pocket and tossed it to Taeyoung. He opened it, and the colour drained from his face.
"That is not a minor car accident."
"Let me see." Aaron T. clambered over. "Holy shit. Dude, how are you alive?"
"It wasn't—"
"—That bad, no, that is bad. That photo is horrific."
"Pass it over," Aaron Z. said.
He groaned, shoving his face back into the pillow. "It's done now. It happened, and it's done."
"I don't think that's true." Robaire stole one of the fries off Jesse's plate.
"What a surprise."
"You're smart enough to know how close you came to hitting that pole head on. Don't tell me that doesn't affect you at all."
"I was in that car, not you. You don't get to tell me what I should or shouldn't be feeling."
"I'm just—"
"I know! You're our leader, but you're not responsible for us. You're gonna drive yourself crazy if you make it your problem whenever one of us does something stupid."
His eyes narrowed. "This isn't about me."
"Oh yeah? Then listen to me."
"I'm listening."
"The crash wasn't that bad. It was annoying. It's annoying that they made me go to the hospital, and it's annoying that you aren't believing me when I say that I'm fine."
"Your car crashed."
"Not this again." He pulled his head back out of the pillow to glare at Robaire.
"You could have gotten really hurt."
"I didn't."
"You could have died Jesse." He couldn’t come up with a response, not before Robaire continued. "You lost the privilege to do stupid shit when you joined this band."
"Respectfully." Jesse glared. "I could care less about what my contract says right now."
"It's not about your contract, it's about you swerving into ditches and hitting poles."
"Jesus Christ, it was one time."
"One time that could have killed you."
"Oh my fucking God, let it go."
"I need you alive Jesse. I—"
Jesse's breath latched onto the back of his throat. He nearly choked on it. Robaire took in a shaky breath of his own, pausing briefly before continuing, his voice thick.
"Need you."
"Ro—"
"Like it or not, I care about you. We all do. Being in 4*Town means you don't get to put yourself in situations where we might lose you."
"I'm sorry."
"Just." He sighed. "Tell me it was worth it.”
"It was."
"And you’re okay?"
"I’m okay."
"Okay."
Aaron T. shifted, nervous tension evident in his brows. "So much for not arguing."
"It might have been warranted." Jesse tried to laugh it off. "The photo does make it look pretty bad, I just, it didn't feel like life or death, it just kinda sucked."
Taeyoung looked at him with wilty eyes. "I don't think I could be okay after something like that."
In all fairness, Taeyoung's emotional intelligence was much higher than Jesse's. Maybe he wasn't okay. Maybe he just hadn't realised it yet. The expectation was too much though. Some stubborn part of his brain wouldn't let him give into Robaire's stupid comforting face, or Taeyoung's sad, inviting eyes. He didn't feel like he needed to. He wasn't hurt enough to warrant an argument, or whatever this weird intervention was. He wasn't hurt at all. He wasn't afraid, or overly aware of his mortality, or anything that you were supposed to feel after a car accident. He was fine. He felt fine, so he was fine, right?
He wasn't trying to wrangle his emotions back into their ill-sized bottle, he'd never opened the bottle in the first place. He'd felt nothing.
Nothing but annoyed, that is.
But they didn't believe him, and now there was some expectation that he'd eventually come around and give them something. Some kind of admission fee to the 'I have normal human emotions' club. Some uncomfortable, too tight turtleneck that pressed into his neck just enough to feel like he was choking slightly. They'd expect him to cry, or to yell, or to fall to pieces, and then they'd comfort him. The comfort would be good.
He hated that he was too stubborn to let them help. He hated that he couldn't figure out what he wanted comfort for. He just wanted it.
God, he was spiralling.
As soon as he had the conscious thought, he snapped out of it. He was being ridiculous. If there was one thing that the boys told each other over and over again, it was that they didn't need to be broken, or at rock bottom, or going through the worst moment of their life to deserve support. All he had to do was ask. It's not like that was hard, totally not incredibly difficult or anything. His stubborn ass sure thought so.
"I feel like I should've been afraid," he admitted, "and it really scares me that I wasn't."
The mood shifted, and a wave of anxious pain washed through his muscles. Everyone was looking at him again. He saw their relief. He wished he could share in it.
"This all just happened." Taeyoung stole Jesse's safety decorative pillow, leaving him with nothing to do with his hands. "You're home now, and you'll start coming down from it, and maybe you'll feel things and maybe you won't. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. You don't get to choose how you process the stuff that happens to you, not the pace, not the intensity, none of it. Your brain is smarter than it lets you know, you have to trust it to know what you need, even if you don't think you do."
"What if I'm doing something bad, like bottling stuff up, and I don't know it?"
"There's no way to know for sure, but if you are? I'll be here when you're ready to let them out."
"Aye aye," Aaron T. chimed in, "me too."
Jesse fixed him a weird look. "Pirate talk now?"
"Rebranding. Gonna go by Aaron P."
"P?" Aaron Z. blinked. "The press will eat you alive."
"Aaron P. for Aaron Press Master. They'll love me so much they'll forget to make jokes."
"I thought P. was for pirate."
"That too. There are many good things that start with P."
"I really am sorry Ro, for crashing, for this, for everything."
"I'm really just glad you're okay."
A small smile toyed at his lips. "Me too."
***
His bed was heaven. He laid face down, arms and legs spread in full starfish as he sank into his mattress. Every ounce of stress in his body fled as he succumbed to the world's most comfortable spot.
After chowing down and watching some TV, Jesse had retreated to his room, and man, he was glad to be there. He had some internalising to do, but that was a tomorrow issue. For now? He was going to sleep.
Jesse put a lot of emphasis on sleep. He valued the hours that he got to unwind, the way it lifted the heaviness of everything that happened that day, the way he didn't owe the moment anything.
He ended up getting up again to shut the lights off, and slip under the covers. He slept with two pillows, one under his head and one lengthwise on the side of his bed closest to the door. The second pillow was the secret to making his bed so comfortable. No matter what position he slept in, that pillow enhanced it. Tonight was 'sleep with his back to pillow #2' kinda night, he discovered quickly.
As soon as he was comfortable, his mind started to drift. He thought about Amanda, and wondered if maybe he should call her to let her know that he was okay. Was that something he was supposed to do?
He thought about the ER, and his reflection, his slightly fluffed, but still normal hair, his makeup-less face, his eyes especially, void of any worry or pain. He wondered what the other members had seen when they walked into the private room.
What about in the car? What had Amanda seen? It must have been different from the Jesse on the cover of their CD's, or the Jesse from their music videos. Was car crash Jesse more honest than that?
God, the car crash.
The deer, its wide, scared eyes as Jesse mindlessly hurtled toward it. He saw that again. His mind's eye was as vivid as ever, playing the crash again in slow motion like something a shitty director would put in their movie. He felt his seatbelt yank him back into his seat, he felt the airbag explode outwards, he felt the car stop.
Even once everything was frozen, he could hear the metal screeching. He waited for something to move again.
His face hurt a lot, but it was deeper this time, somewhere within the tissues of his cheeks. He tried to wipe the blood from nose away again, only to find tears when he pulled his hand away.
He waited, holding onto anything he could get his hands on. He waited for an impact, for something to happen so that he could stop dreading it. It was like he was in the air, falling, and waiting to hit a ground that he couldn't see.
The anxiety of it all was so bad he thought he was gonna shatter.
So much for not feeling anything. He had the audacity to laugh. He hoped whatever divine force had put that deer in front of him was happy, now that he was living through the accident again with regular car crash pains included, and then some.
Why was his dad trying to come back?
Why now? Why was Jesse so upset about it? It's not like he'd hurt him. It's not like he left.
And he was back home, a teenager all over again. His report card was on the counter, his backpack over his shoulder. His wallet was heavy in his pocket.
Within a moment, he was running. The day was cruel in how beautiful it was, not unlike the sun setting on the road back from his sister's house. There were no clouds, no shelter from the heat, no shadows to stop and catch his breath in, not until he reached the train station.
There was his father, disappointed, holding his college acceptance letter.
The rest of the train station vanished, leaving just him and his dad.
A vase smashed. It sounded like metal.
And he was back, frozen in his car, waiting for something to happen.
"It's okay, you're okay."
Whose voice was that?
"Just breathe, you're safe."
He was suddenly aware of a set of arms, one wrapped around his side and the other combing through his hair.
"You're home, and you're safe." It was Aaron Z.
He caught glimpses of his room again, glimpses that he desperately tried to hold on to. They were slippery, fading not back to the crash, but to wherever he went when he zoned out.
He focused hard on the feeling of Aaron Z. next to him, the way the bed felt different with the weight of another person, the slow, methodical movement of the hand tasked with messing up Jesse's hair, and even more importantly, his smell.
Privately, he wondered if Aaron Z. had put cologne on just to come cuddle. He'd ask him about that later.
Regardless, he smelled good, and even more notably he smelled like himself, which was wildly grounding. He breathed the scent in and out, until he wasn't fighting to keep himself in reality.
"Wha—" He was strangely out of breath.
"Welcome back."
"What was that?"
"I don't," he paused, "I don't know. A panic attack?"
"I think I just time travelled."
"A flashback?"
"I guess."
"Are you okay?"
Was he? Probably not. Okay people don't have flashbacks, not outside of movies.
"I don't... I don't think so."
"Okay."
The hand disappeared from his head, and he turned to face Aaron.
"Thanks, that uh, really helped."
"Whatever you need."
"Can you stay?"
"Of course."
"Literally marry me."
He chuckled softly, adjusting to hold Jesse closer to him. He buried his face into the warmth of his chest.
"Wanna talk about it?"
He hummed. "Wanna sleep."
"Alright, get some sleep."
"You're the best."
His voice was fond. "Goodnight Jesse."
"Goodnight."
He'd be lying if he said he didn't get lost in his thoughts again, but with Aaron Z. there, it was much easier to bring himself back. It took him a while, but sleep finally prodded at his mind, waiting for him to give into it.
Was he coming out of shock? Who knows, but at least it was something. As his consciousness was whisked away, acknowledged that maybe the day wasn't as inconvenient as he thought. For once, the comfort he felt was secure. He believed that, no matter what, that the boy's love for him had no conditions.
He could live with that.
#FINALLY WROTE A JESSE POV FIC#good day to be jesse biased tbh#idk why it took me too long I love him sm#also his kids are not mentioned but that's because I imagine this taking place before they exist#his kids? not born yet#the snow white keychain happy meal toys are from 2001 so it's technically canon-compliant that he doesn't have kids yet#unless his kids have canon ages?? but I don't think they do#anyways#tw car accident#tw car wreck#cw car accident#cw car wreck#car accident tw#car wreck tw#car accident cw#car wreck cw#tw disassociation#cw dissociation#disassociation tw#disassociation cw#tw flashbacks#cw flashbacks#flashbacks tw#flashbacks cw#Turning Red#turning red fandom#turning red fanfic#4*town#4*town fanfic#4*town jesse
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Sometimes I go through tags and I find things like 'reality shifting', which back in my day was called 'maladaptive daydreaming' or 'lucid dreaming' and both of which are extremely -- as one suggests -- maladaptive habits to develop.
Speaking as someone with maladaptive daydreaming issues, please don't start mixing fantasy with reality in any shape or form, it's a great way to develop delusional personality disorders.
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.
#not a meme#ptsd tw#Disassociation tw#health tw#Health issues tw#guess who just disassociated hard enough she got super dizzy and momentarily passed out into the fridge while she was making supper???#this chronically ill bitch fam#so while imma be here working on things tonight as i can#fair warning i probs wont be answering messages or anything#bc heck#so i aint ignoring yall i promise im just currently astral projecting into a potato field in idaho#hope yall are doing okay tho#feel free to send in requests if u want
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Press Any Button to Live
TW: Disassociation; Depersonalisation
Sometimes I feel... off, like I'm not all there or here. I can move my fingers, take steps in a direction, I can think enough to know I should just do something. The best way I've described it to others is that's it feels like a Quantic Dream game. My partner isn't a fan of them because he appreciates more complex gameplay than toggle the stick to pick up the wood plank then press "X" to climb the chainlink fence. I personally like immersing myself into "playable movies" but it's certainly not fun to be in one.
Click "SQAURE" to eat. Hold "R2" while moving forward with the left stick to walk. Click "X" to live.
It's strange to know how those playable characters feel to be detached and not in control. You just know the commands given to stay alive and move along in your story but have no attachment to them.
Detachment. Depersonalisation; def. a sense of detachment or disconnection from one’s self, this can include feeling like a stranger to yourself, feeling detached from your emotions, feeling robotic or like you are on autopilot, or feeling like a part of your body does not belong to you. Disassociation. I guess that's what this non-feeling is. I still haven't found what triggers it. It's as if I walk into an invisible hit-box without knowing it.
I wish my partner was here. He can't get me out of it but he helps me feel real. Huh, typing that brought tears to my eyes. The correct keywords have been entered for this emotion.
This doesn't last forever. Yesterday my hyperactivity ran the show and tomorrow could be a whole other mood. For now, I'll just go through the motions and keep the body alive. That's enough.
#mental health#mental illness#disassociation#depersonalisation#depersonalisation tw#disassociation tw#mental health journal#sls
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Pariah AU | A Small Spark of Warmth | P1
Julieta had gotten used to the change of pace as the rebuild continued; the work was delayed as heavy rain had forced the halting of the foundation levels and waiting on the sun to dry before the work could continue safely.
That had been three days ago.
With prepping food for the builders and free rein of the kitchens, Julieta had found her happy place. At least, a place she could be less sad in with her hands working. She did her best to pack her family’s lunches more personalised and it was a relief to see the baskets empty at the end of the day.
It gave her hope.
It was a spark and that was all she needed, even with contact with her own children was less than what she had hoped, Julieta had bargained it all on the fact that they were simply busy and had seen them all work to validate that excuse.
Julieta finished up the small basket of Arepa and Empanadas for Camilo, tucking in the covering before she collected up the other baskets while Agustín helped.
“You know, if I grab a blanket, we could have a picnic,” Agustín suggested as they headed up towards the end; the scaffolding now in place, very much visible and would be weeks before they’d be taken down. “It’ll be nice; I could light a candle, make it romantic.”
“That does sound nice. We could sit by the river.”
Agustín hummed in agreement. “Candles?”
“No, I don’t want to owe someone a blanket,” Julieta replied swiftly, ignoring the mildly offended look her husband sent her.
Her eyes ran over the front; the porch looking somewhat intact; the blue support beams salvageable and looked to be set in a concrete mould, stone masons were examining the archway and jotting down notes and sketches.
All in all looked like a good start.
Julieta set the baskets down at the table, turning them all to face the edge.
“I think the rest of Encanto might get jealous,” Agustín whispered, sliding an arm around her, their basket still on his side.
“Too bad. This is one of the few things I can do for my family at this point.” She dropped her hands from Luisa’s basket, which was bigger than the others but it was well known her daughter had to have a bigger lunch to upkeep with her exercise and muscle mass. Even without her gift, she put work into herself with pride and it made her happy to see Luisa get a little bit accepting of her loss; she was more than her gift.
“Why don’t you go and let them know lunch is here. I’ll set up by the river.” She smiled, taking their basket.
He lent down, pecking her on the lips. “I’ll see you there, Mi Amor”
“Julieta!” A voice called behind Julieta, knocking her from her thoughts as she headed through town, mulling on what sort of blanket to buy.
Julieta turned, surprised to see the familiar face of Agustín’s mother walking quickly towards her. Senora Rojas was by no means as intimated as her own mother and she was a surprisingly tall woman for her age. Her grey hair was pulled back into a coiled bun with a few light decorations from their past life in the city. Her expression was tense, lips pursed and very like how Agustín got when anxious about something
“Senora Rojas,” she greeted, not fully able to mask the surprise. “Can I help you with something?” it wasn’t often she saw her suegra like this; mostly in passing when Agustin visited his parents.
“Por Pavor, walk with me.”
Julieta wasn’t left much as a choice as Senora Rojas took her arm and began to lead her back the way she had come, but took a sharp left through a short-cut alleyway.
“What’s going on?”
“Agustín told me what happened years ago.” Senora Rojas spoke, going straight to the point. “I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed but I’m happy you two were able to get back together”
“Oh?” Where she was going with this, Julieta had no idea but she should have guessed that Senora Rojas knew; Agustín was a bad liar. Some things he probably had to share...
Midway down, she was tugged to a stop, Senora Rojas’s posture sagging.
“I don’t know how much you are aware, Julieta but people are now talking.”
“Our home collapsed, I’m not shocked.”
Senora Rojas shook her head. “Word’s spread today, at least the last hour, that you had a hand in it. True as that may be, I know you Madrigals wanted to keep that private.”
Julieta blinked in shock, her breath hitching in her throat but she knew there was only one person willing to spread that. Senora Rojas was right, the family didn’t want the news to spread… because they all knew how the townspeople got with fresh gossip.
“Camilo…” She groaned, her hands coming to her face. God, why did he do this? He had no right… Julieta could only anticipate that the rumour would only grow and spread; everyone would know by the sun touched down. Her pulse spiked, mouth running dry and she could distantly feel her grip on the basket shaking. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.
“I…. I need to go.” She needed to get back to her room; she damn well wasn’t going to be wandering around to be on display. She needed to keep to a low profile…
“I’ll walk with you.” Senora Rojas decided, “You’re staying with the Rios familiar, Si?”
Her head bobbed swiftly, wordlessly.
Senora Rojas took her by the elbow and led the way out but now, Julieta felt like her senses had been turned on; passing glances seemed to be lingering stares but the looks, no she could now see how one woman turned to the next, a loud talk on food harvests turned to hush whispers.
Why hadn’t she noticed? Why didn’t she see this before?
The answer was simple, she was too focused thinking on what sort of blanket to buy.
Her grip on the basket tightened, but she fought down the anxiety as they went. It was only a few minutes before they reached the house.
But Julieta flinched back as Senor Rios beat them to the door, opening it before she had reached for the handle but to her surprise, a bag was dropped at her feet.
A look of pure astonishment crossed her face.
“As much as we regret this, we will not have anyone who had brought down the miracle stay with us.”
Julieta felt too shocked to say anything as she stared at the bag, pulse in her ears and she was distantly aware of Senora Rojas loudly arguing but Julieta felt a numbness in her head cloud everything out, distant from reality and her own body. She turned, and hazily began to walk away; some part of her needed the escape from that.
“Julieta?!” the voice of her in-law echoing but she didn’t take it in through the fogginess.
Julieta didn’t remember Senora Rojas catching her by the shoulders.
Julieta didn’t remember being led away, not hearing the woman’s concerns.
Julieta didn’t remember being let into a house, passing her suegro, and into a room. Senora Rojas’s pushing her to sit down.
“Julieta?”
“Hm?” Her voice was faint to her own ears.
Senora Rojas’s face swam into view before Julieta felt reality snap back as a low stinging pain echoed across her cheek, the pain was barely there and was replaced quickly with a low burning.
Julieta blinked, her hand coming to her face.
“Oh good, you’re back.” Senora Rojas replied, “I was worried.” She shook her hand. “Stay here, I don’t think it’s best to have you wandering.”
Julieta nodded, her hands coming to her hair, pulling the pins to allow her hair to drop to her shoulders but she felt the world of emotion begin to seep in, the heat spreading to her eyes that welled up, clouding her vision again, her throat felt tight and the ache in her chest felt heavier than before.
They had been kicked out.
Because of her.
#julieta madrigal#agustin madrigal#agustín madrigal#pariah julieta#pariah madrgials#pariah agustín#encanto#encanto au#pariah au#la familia madrigal#disassociation tw#luisa madrigal#camilo madrigal#mirabel madrigal
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CHAPTER FOUR - Page 100 - END OF CHAPTER FOUR
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where: outside peeta's medical room
when: night sixty-seven
who: katniss & annie (@incaensio)
it's not often annie cresta separates from her fiancé and their little guppy nowadays. recently, she had overheard someone sweetly put that finnick odair and annie cresta never let go of each other's hands. it glosses over the intense, separation anxiety that the little family from district four has ; something annie also does in the situation. there's that worry that lingers hushed in a pit of her stomach, that all this happiness is a dream. she'll wake up on that nightmare inducing cot in a cell ; or more likely, her place in panem is one in a purgatory plane, where neither heaven nor hell will take her. but for now, that needs to be pushed down. because for at least now, she has her family - her everything, regardless.
she feels drawn to peeta mellark though. trauma bonds. it almost feels like he's a brother to her and they're a pair of ghosts. peeta's spirit seems trapped in one spot, while she is free to roam. it's heartbreaking. that's why she's outside his room, like an obnoxious, guardian angel. her man and their boy sleep soundly and safely. she can't. and in these moments of being alone, thoughts plague her the worst. so she must check on the young man from twelve, make sure he's okay ... as okay as he can be. he's sleeping - sedated maybe ? annie isn't sure, but nobody seems to be forcing her to leave. so she doesn't. and for hour of night alone, she doesn't expect to see katniss everdeen here too. " i'm sorry i didn't come to visit after everything. " she should have tracked peeta's wife down, given her a warning. she could have told katniss about the state of her husband. she was his neighbor ; annie knew it more soundly than most.
#eventideevent05#implied violence tw#anxiety tw#disassociation tw#drugging tw#incaensio#* closed / annie .
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So I just woke up. I opened chrome cos I wanted to check episode airdates for a show, and noticed that I had new searches that I didn’t remember
Which is a little weird, but okay sure why not.
So then I open tumblr, to find that the work I started earlier today had been completely finished, reformatted, tagged, and posted.
Just, an entire chapter, that I have no memory of writing and researching.
Also my chem homework.
#dissasociation#honestly I’m not super worried#I’ve had whole conversations with other people that I don’t remember after waking up#but writing in my sleep is new#one time a while ago I started drawing in my sleep#disassociation tw#memory loss tw#sleep walking#anyway love that for me
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