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May 28, 2020

It’s hard to say,

But I’ve realized

That I dislike like more about him

Than I like about him.

We disagree on so many fronts,

And with my trajectory,

I can’t afford to be associated with him.

Too bad I can hang him loose

Because the others still like him.

It’s hard to say,

But I don’t think I’d miss much

If he wasn’t in my life.

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Disappointingly to me, I am (generally) straight. I might get into that more deeply in a different post. Anyway, from my father post, one could determine that I have not had the best male role-models in my life. First my dad was never around, then he was a terrifying presence. I find loud male voices… disturbing. When a man enters a room, I have to control the urge to hide or leave. If I always had the option, I would always go to female professionals, never male. I can’t control my general distaste for men. I assume they will act like a jerk and have bad intentions. I avoid them, I don’t like to speak to them, I hate having them in power. Despite this, I still have the desire to make men in power proud. I want them to smile at me and tell me I am doing a good job. Pseudo dads you could say. I might have some sever daddy issues. Logically I know that men are not all evil, that there are good men who care and have soft hearts, but I almost always assume that men will hurt me. I am trying to not make so many assumptions. There are good men out there. I can sometimes see that all men are not my dad, every man is not an abuser.

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When we’re liked, we either stop believing we are or we become needy for more.

When we’re disliked, we either want to become better or want to be left behind.

We’re never either liked or disliked.

We’re only going to be the embodiment of our own feelings towards ourselves compared to the world.

This is how we sense ourselves separate from the rest of this existence.

You are, the you, you create, they assume and all understand.

The less you think about it the more you have.

The world is an ever changing fluid of right and wrong, good and bad, negative and positive.

Things don’t work in binary.

We don’t work in binary.

It is never just black or white.

All of the colors are not seen by human eyes.

If you wish to be liked, you’re halfway there.

The other half is accepting you will also be disliked.

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Wow Caddyshack is disgustingly sexist and I hate it. It is playing on the tv in the hotel I am staying in with my dad. Ocassionally, I hear something nasty and I just wish I didn’t….

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Dislike Poem

These words bleeding out of my thoughts

Start decomposing in the beauty of fermentation

There’s a dumpster halfway filled inside me-

Looking inside the trash isn’t that bad and there’s a balloon floating inside this dive spot

The first time the thought crosses your feelings, there is no tomorrow

This road leads only to one place and the fastest man alive couldn’t stave it off

With the end but a mere journey that has no never

It was the beginning of forever

Seeing your eyes change it all

I don’t know you and it’s yesterday

Today never came

Tomorrow is forever

This is the itch that lasts only as long as the smell hanging in the air

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