distant from it all i view myself from above
The Survivor System
hi everyone! im austin, the host and core of The Survivor System. we’re a DID system of 20+ identities all trying to survive through life.
a little about me:
likes: art, literature, video games, Nintendo, Animal Crossing, Danganronpa, anime and manga
cool fact: im a therian! i am a wolf, kitten and pup kin (: see previous posts/asks for a drawing of my wolf kin.
below: face claim; the body. haven’t begun my transition process yet. transphobic family ///:
i no longer know how to be a human being so i’ve decided to opt out! i’m now just a mere presence
person: do you remember -
me: what part of “I have no concept of time” do you not understand?
Dissolve me in a pit of acid lmfao
first time I properly dissociated was lit, cldnt feel a thing, was str8 vibin, and now???? dissociation but spicy
Yeah, I’ve been through some tough times, as has everyone.
I’ve been hurt (and I’ve hurt others) and sometimes, things just went badly and it was no one’s fault at all, but it was hard on me and I suffered.
But now. Now everything’s fine. I’ve got no reason to be upset now.
My head just hasn’t quite caught on. So I’m stuck suffering while nothing’s hurting me - nothing but my own brain.
And I wish I could get over it already. Other people do it too. They move on; they brush it off.
I’ve got no excuse for being weak. (Maybe I’m just too self-important; I wish I knew how to stop.)
I’m just so angry because what I really, really want is to help people; to make the world a better place.
But how am I supposed to do that when I can barely make it through one day without wanting to give up completely at some point myself?
I wish I could be happy.
Why can’t I rest?
Quote from “The Haunted Self” by Onno Van Der Hart
Recently been having auditory and visual hallucinations of my trauma which is pretty fucking scary. Do things just keep getting worse? I thought id be ok by now.
I want to film cause i feel like we havent put anything up in a while but also the head is all switchy lately and with all the drama on youtube i dont want people to think we are trying to add to it.
I will start off by saying this: please keep in mind that I am not yet diagnosed regarding my mental health. I do have background (schooling) that informs me regarding certain patterns in my behaviour or my perceptions, but I dont claim to be equipped to diagnose myself or others.
I started to think there was something really wrong after I started college, around November 2015. I think I havent been entirely “normal” for most of my life, but things became very apparent around this particular time. I started to experience episodes of what could be depression (again, Im not yet diagnosed so I cant really say for certain that they are depressive episodes). Small emotional matters would hit me much harder than I know they should have: I remember times of hardcore crying, practically weeping, for extended periods of time, extreme thoughts of guilt, self-isolating behaviours. These episodes were extremely physically draining. I also started to notice that I frequently would feel hopeless, socializing was taxing, sleep was evasive, and motivation to do even enjoyable things was low. Since then Ive had seasons where these symptoms havent been so bad… more like an undercurrent, manageable. But there have been seasons that have hit me very hard.
I think I have always been sensitive and overly anxious. I worry quite often, too much. I ruminate even more so; I think about the past for what I could have done differently, I think about the present for all the things I could be doing, and I think about the future and too often get stuck in a cycle of what ifs and unrealistic expectations. I play out whole scenarios with people in my head, sometimes upsetting myself with the outcome of those hypotheticals. At times I hold myself to a very high standard. I feel stress very acutely. There are times even when I feel a sense of urgency or restlessness for no apparent reason. Im just on edge and honestly, that drives me nuts.
I have extreme anxious reactions to certain things (i.e. people yelling) such as fast shallow breathing, shaking, high emotional response, and of course actually feeling anxiety itself. Involuntarily ruminating on those experiences is also quite common for me and is very emotionally distressing.
I sit there and think about how Im thinking, how my body is reacting and wonder “why am I like this? why am I responding like that?”. Its a very weird experience, observing yourself so intently and questioning your own behaviour as it happens. I dont know if anyone else does that, or does it as regularly as I do, but I find it odd.
I will intentionally mention that I am not suicidal. I have thought about suicide twice in my life, but not seriously enough to consider acting upon it.
I do not typically self-harm either. I would say the closest I come to self-harm is beating my fists against my thighs or against each other repeatedly, but not with enough force to make bruises - honestly I dont know if that is considered to be self-harm. Its certainly emotionally harmful because its unhealthy behaviour, but Im not causing myself physical harm.
I also think I may dissociate? For as long as I can remember, Ive been able to daydream quite easily. In my teen years, daydreaming usually occurred when I was listening to music: Id just slip into “the zone” if you will; aware of my surroundings to an extent but more focussed on whats happening in my head. This happens on a daily basis still, usually when Im listening to music and performing a simple repetitive movement such as rocking or walking. But it goes beyond that. Around this time last year I started to experience something else… the best way Ive been able to describe it is almost like when playing a video game - things are happening but you dont perceive them as real. Reality itself wouldnt seem real to me. Sometimes this would be triggered by a stressor that I could pinpoint, sometimes I would be just out walking to the local grocery store and suddenly my surroundings wouldnt seem real. Sometimes it would happen for several minutes and sometimes for a couple hours. It wasnt really distressing in the moment, but it does concern me now that it has happened frequently.
I think this dissociation (if that is indeed what it is) is a symptom of an underlying mood disorder… Im so overloaded with mental/emotional stimuli that it alters my perception of things around me, or sometimes myself.
Anyway, I have spoken with my doctor about it and will continue to. They believe there is a mood disorder of some kind at play, but because I still continue to do my work with minimal distraction from my mental health (they say I am “high functioning” - Ill probably address that in another post) I will likely not be diagnosed for at least several months and also likely not be put on medication. The last part is fine with me; I take enough medication for my other health problems as it is!
Yes! Dissociation isn’t exclusive of DID/OSDD; in fact, as far as I know (I’ve been educating myself on DID lately), dissociation is the cause of DID, as DID appears in people who suffer prolonged trauma during childhood and are prone to heavy dissociation. So my understanding of it is that it comes before DID, not after it. And you can dissociate to cope with trauma/mental illnesses at any age, not just during the age range you need to be in to develop DID! For example, I used to dissociate a lot during my teenage years due to trauma—I’d just tune out my surroundings entirely when I couldn’t escape the situation to the point where I couldn’t process what my abuser was telling me even if I wanted to—and my girlfriend dissociates a lot now to cope with depression.
The thing is, dissociation happens on a spectrum. My therapist told me that zoning out is the most common and mild form of dissociation and everyone does it from time to time. On the other hand, the dissociation that people with DID experience is related to the amnesia walls that the brain has built to protect itself, which people without DID don’t have. And there’s a lot of middle ground in between where anyone can fall for a number of reasons!
Hope that helps, nonnie! ❤️
my brain: you’re faking everything even though you’re diagnosed, *grandiose thoughts*, *intrusive images*, *violent dissociation*
I don’t know who that person in the mirror is, but damn they look AWFUL
An extremely abusive alter just resurfaced and did some pretty uncool shit… Fuck.
like, at this point it’s not “i self-isolate because i’m hurting” anymore, i am (all things considered) thriving. i am working hard on things i care about, and once i’m finished for the day, there are so many activities i want to do on my own that i much prefer over some facetime conversation about nothing. this might be a horrible thing to say, but i feel like all these meaningless friendships i’ve been trying to maintain have been distracting me from things i actually care about and enjoy, and i wonder once the quarantine is over, if i even want to “go back to normal”.
i’m lost lost lost…
I’m unsure of how to feel right now cause I feel hopeless. Because of this virus thingy, I’m worried sick about two friends, one that Kiara holds in her heart. We have not heard from him almost a month and thats worrying for us. We know that he is a paramedic/firefighter so hes around lots of people daily. For now, I’m just glad that Kiara isn’t here cause if she was, she be freaking out, crying about him. She might even relapse too due to her depressed emotions. So, I am glad that she’s not here for now.
Myself, I’m not sure how I can last. I feel like this whole thing is driving me around the bend and its not pretty. I feel upset cause I can’t go outside much (today is very windy) I’m stuck indoors almost 24/7. Fridays are my only time I get to go outside for few hours. That’s just for shopping for food for the coming week. How do I feel about this virus thingy? Angry, frustration, hopeless, despair, upset, sad, lonely and depressed. It’s all mixed feelings. I… ::he sighs tiredly:: this whole virus thing is just old news now. I just want it gone. There’s not much before I go completely insane. ::he slid down to the floor and sits down:: On FB, my feed is filled with nothing but virus this and virus that. It’s like, isnt there something else than that? But nope, bunch of those and how stupid our president is. That’s all I have on my feed on FB. Which is why I barely make a status update on there.
I am trying to keep myself busy by drawing but even that takes a toll. I’m not much of a gamer so yea I barely play games. There’s tons of movies to watch here but I’m not that into movies. I am somewhat a boring person I guess. My job is on standby until Kiara returns. As my primary job is to protect her since I am the host protector. I haven’t seen the others either and its getting quite lonely inside the Mindscape. I would like a short break like a week’s worth. But since there’s no one but myself, I can’t.
I’ve been busy last week, in what? Signing up for school, online. Frist day starts tomorrow and it seems that I wont finish signing up. I may end up having to wait another month before starting. Kinda sucks if asked me. I be bored for another whole month… I’m planning on taking computer animation online to keep myself busy for months. So that’s my plan currently.
I’ve been having weird dreams and I dont understand them. I barely remember what its about either. Sometimes, I get nightmares too. locked memories would leak out which will cause me to have a nightmare. I barely say anything about it to anyone cause there’s no point. Used to in therapy but its been months since the last one. I doubt we will get back into therapy next month after our new insurance kicks in. Because of this virus thingy, we may not able to have therapy.
Anyway guess I should end my ramble here for now.
is this DID or something else?
so uhhh I recently realized that I have some definite dissociative symptoms, and have for many years. I’m not sure exactly what I have though— I’m thinking I may have dissociative identity disorder just from what I’ve read online but obviously I don’t know all that much about it. If anyone has similar symptoms/knows what this might be or if it sounds like DID, I’d really appreciate any advice.