#do everything right in the first fucking place. god. Back to my initial point of this post uh- i'm realizing that i'm very quick to judge

[dbnightingale24]

My Little Decoy

A StevexReaderxBucky Messy Triangle

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Another story for Patreon! So, for this one, I'm a bit anxious (when am I not?), because this definitely took off in the complete opposite direction of what I initially planned. That being said, I hope you all enjoy it!

Thank you as always to @fuckingbye for the amazing moodboard, I love you to bits for literally everything you do! I was in the middle of updating three other stories when this idea came to me, so please just work with me! (I'm so sorry I'm like this.)

Anywho, here we go!

Word Count: 34,776 (I'm not even gonna apologize anymore)

Warnings: Honestly, this entire fucking story. SMUT (MINORS DNI 18+ ONLY), Threesome, Lying, Infidelity, Emotional Cheating, Swearing, Drinking, Infertility, Family Drama, Angst, Lusting, Daddy Kink, Running Away, Tie Play, Cuff Play, Crying, Fluff, Best friends to lovers...that's all I can think of? They're honestly so many.

Song(s) That Inspired This Chapter: Don't Look So Blue, You Should've Seen Right Thru, I'm Using You, My Little Decoy

Summary: You truly do have the best intentions when you try to move on and suppress your feelings for your best friend Steve, and try to move on with Bucky. Unfortunately, life doesn't give a damn about intentions. Neither does love.

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I do not give consent/permission for my stories/works to get posted elsewhere. I do not condone this type of behavior, this is for entertainment purposes only.

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You wonder how the hell it got to this point in the first place as you lay in Steve’s soft bed sheets. What feels like it should be a quiet moment of peace is juxtaposed with your current reality; Bucky pounding on the front door and you and Steve conspiring to think of some kind- any kind- of excuse.

You truly don’t understand how it got to this. 

It all feels like it started so long ago. You didn’t even know 6 years could feel so fast, much less pass so quickly. You look around at where you are now, at Steve, as you listen to the shaking of the front door against Bucky’s fist as he continues thumping away. Fuck. What if memories lie? Maybe it is that long ago.

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6 Years Earlier...

“Babe, you ever had a night out in the city?” Bucky asked as you took off your gear.

Training was brutal and everyone was looking for a way to relieve stress. You knew The Avengers were all planning to meet up at some club downtown, but you had other plans. 

“I have, and as much fun as it can be, I have other plans,” you laugh as you take your hair out of the tightest ponytail you’d ever had it in. 

“Oh? What are you getting into?” Natasha laughs, making her way over with Bruce holding onto her as if he’d lose her.

“My friend’s band is playing tonight. I promised her I’d go if we finished up early enough.”

“Oh, this I gotta see!” Bruce chimes in as you laugh and shake your head. “You never let us have a peak into your personal life!”

“God, I haven’t been to a show in forever,” Natasha chimes in with raised eyebrows.

He wasn’t wrong. You played everything so close to the chest; wanting to keep those you love and care for the most safe...wanting to keep yourself safe. Since none of them were relenting (not to mention they’re the damn Avengers), you finally agreed and told them to meet you outside of your room at the compound in about two hours.

“Is it too late for me to get in on this?” Steve asks just as the group was about to disperse.

“There you are!” Bucky interjects before anyone has a chance to say anything. “Y/N is giving us a peak into her personal life! We’re all meeting at her place in two hours and going from there,” he laughs patting his best friend on the back. 

Steve looked at you with a cocked eyebrow and you just laugh and nod, giving him the ‘OK’ to tag along. Unbeknownst to the others, you and Steve hung out the most. No, he’d never been privy to your personal life, but you two spent a lot of time watching movies and listening to music together on the weekends. Occasionally, Bucky would get in on the action, but it was mainly you and Steve. You and Steve had a certain level of comfort that you didn’t have with the rest of them. It was more of an unspoken, private thing and that’s how the both of you preferred it. You both understood each other, and neither of you ever made the other feel sad or out of place for things that had gone wrong in each other’s past. You both had wounds you were still healing from, and you gave each other the space needed for that to happen. 

You’d always had a thing for Steve. He kept himself at a distance, so it was difficult for you to tell if he ever felt the same. After a while, you’d stopped trying and just accepted him as a friend. He told you that he’d wanted to go back and stay with Peggy, but he was too afraid to leave Bucky on his own again, so he’d come back instead. He wasn’t even sure if Bucky would ever be okay with being alone; Steve just stayed without asking him. It seemed like the right thing to do, and he didn’t hate the current timeline too much.

Soon enough, everyone is in your small little complex, drinking and laughing as you put together the last bit of your outfit. The thought of Steve joining all of you had you more anxious than you cared to admit, so you chalked it up to the normal anxiety of inviting your work colleagues into your personal life.

Which was more than fair.

“I’m sure you look amazing, lets go! I’m too excited for this!” Natasha hollers as she makes her way into your bedroom.

“Nat!”

“Oh, they’re all in there drinking away! You’re fine,” she laughs, closing the door behind her. “Well shit!”

“I swear to God, I’ll change right now!”

“No! You look amazing!” she promised as her hands covered her mouth. “None of us have ever seen you out of work clothes, and babe...you look amazing,” she laughs in shock. 

“Should I change? I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea-”

“If you’re comfortable, who cares. No one wants to interfere with your personal life. I think we’re all more afraid of pushing you away,” she laughs.

“You really think it’s okay?”

“I mean, I think you’re hot as fuck,” she laughed as you rolled your eyes, “but I think you look amazing.”

“You sure?”

“Get enough alcohol in them , they won’t even notice when you leave for the bathroom,” she laughed.

Even though you laughed along with her, you knew better. James Buchanan Barnes kept his attention on you almost as well as Steve, but you never thought anything of it. It always had a more platonic feeling than with Steve, almost more familial.   

When you came out, Steve was the first to look at you. His mouth slightly agape was enough to make you wanna go back, but Bucky was quick to chime in-

“Someone is ready for a night out,” he laughed.

That’s all it took. 

Soon enough, you were taking shots and laughing with everyone else. Even Pepper and Tony were excited and joined you all. Your life was something so foreign to them, and you could tell that they all felt extremely excited that you trusted them enough. 

In all honesty, you felt more comfortable because Steve was there. You knew he’d never let anything happen to you, and you’d never let anything happen to him. If you were being completely honest, you’d only wanted to invite him out. How it spiraled, you’re still not sure but it did. It The only thing that felt off was letting him see you dressed as you were. It was weird for all of them to see you dressed as you were, but Steve couldn’t take his eyes off you.

You were in red plaid crop top, with tight fighting black jeans that hugged your hips in just the right way, and black low top heels. You put your hair in loose curls, and finished it off with eyeliner and mascara. After a brutal day of training, you really didn’t wanna spend forever doing your makeup, because you knew you’d wanna come home after everything was over and go right back to sleep. Yeah, everything was hugging your body in just the right way, but you weren’t about to change. 

You were introducing them to your life.

Before you all left, Thor filled three flasks with his mead from Asgard for himself, Steve, and Bucky and you laughed pretty damn hard.

“We wanna enjoy this night too,” he winked at you as you rolled your eyes. 

The walk was easy enough, but it felt like it took forever. People kept asking for pictures with the OG Avengers, they had a million questions, and of course they were all happy to be as kind as possible. It’s not that you minded all that much, but you really missed your best friend. Work had been kicking your ass, she had been extremely busy, and was in the middle of planning her wedding. Nights off were extremely rare, but actually getting to see her and her friends perform? It had been forever.

“You made it!” she squealed once you were finally inside the club with everyone, almost knocking you over with how hard she hugged you.

“I told you I’d show! Even if I would’ve only caught the last song,” you laughed as you hugged her back just as tight. “We still on for drinks after?”

“Fuck yes! Your tits look amazing in this top, we’re definitely getting free drinks out of it,” she beamed with a wink and you burst out laughing. “Okay, I’ve seen all of you on TV, but I still wanna officially meet everyone,” she smiled at everyone. “I’m Meg.”

As everyone went around introduced themselves, you made your way to the bar, to grab your signature Jack and Coke.

“Hell yes! You made it!” Meg’s finance, Paul, beamed as he made your drink.

“Why is everyone so shocked that I’m here?!”

“You haven’t been to a show in years!”

“Blah, blah, blah,” you muttered as you reached behind the bar and grabbed his pack of cigarettes.

“You bring the Avengers with you and you dare to steal from me?” he sneered sarcastically as he handed you your drink.

You laughed as you reached across the bar and kissed his cheek, “I’m sure our friendship will survive it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Dude, I had no idea the place would be so packed tonight.”

“I have a feeling everyone here had a long ass Friday.” “Yeah, well they better treat my baby right.” “You two!”

He rolled his eyes as he flipped you off, “enjoy the show!”

“Thank you, Paaauuullll,” you sang out as everyone joined you.

You looked up to see Steve staring at you intently, and he quickly turned towards the stage when he realized he was caught. Before you could allow yourself to think on it or feel flattered, you heard your best friend yell from the stage as she started to make her guitar scream.

“We’re ‘Flowers of Cinnamon’, and thanks for spending your Friday night with us!”

From that moment on, you were barely paying attention to your surroundings. With the exception of your drink, you didn’t focus on anything other than your best friend rocking the fuck out. It had always just been a hobby for her, but she had always been so damn good at it. You envied how effortlessly performing came to her. The band was a cross between Paramore, The Bangles, and All Time Low, and they were just as amazing as you remembered. You wouldn’t have been able to stay still even if you’d wanted to. You sang and danced along to every song, bouncing around, and screaming your head off. You had no clue that Steve had been watching you with the biggest grin on his face, Bucky had been watching your chest bounce up and down, or that Tony had been recording your reaction to your best friend’s music, smiling so hard at your happiness.

Every other song, your best friend made eye contact with you and laughed, and nothing else seemed to matter. Thinking back on it, you wished it had, because maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so fucked up, but you were just so damn happy. The more drinks got, the more you danced and sang around, finally feeling comfortable and happy, even with your new set of friends watching you.

“Okay, this is gonna be our last song for the night,” Meg smiled into the microphone and she laughed at amount of “boos” they received. “Listen, I wanna get fucked up too!” she joked, gaining laughs from the crowd. “Okay, so tonight is extremely special because my best friend on the entire planet is here and brought her friends with her! Thanks babe! So, our last song is gonna be a cover of one of her favorite songs ever,” she winked at you as you cocked an eyebrow.

As soon as you heard the first cord of ‘Decoy’ by Paramore hum out of the speakers, you screamed so loud that everyone in your group (and Paul) started laughing. 

‘Close your eyes and make believe that this is where you wanna be

Forgetting all the memories, try to forget love cause love’s forgotten me

Well hey, hey baby, it’s never too late

Pretty soon you won’t remember a thing

All I’ll be distant, the stars reminiscing

Your heart’s been wasted on me’

You sang along so effortlessly as you started to jump up and down.

‘You’ve never been so used as I’m using you, abusing you

My little decoy

Don’t look so blue, you should’ve seen right through

I’m using you, my little decoy

My little decoy’

You linked arms with Nat, who clearly didn’t know the song, but was more than happy to sing and dance along with you. You glanced around and it made you so happy to see everyone else happy and having a good time. It’s not like you were a stick in the mud at work but, you never let loose. Even when it came to holiday and birthday parties, you were pretty damn reserved. The only person who can claim that they’ve seen you fucked up is Steve, and even then it was just you being wine drunk on the sofa while you two listened to albums and discussed work.

No, this was you letting lose and everyone accepting it. Accepting you. You looked over at Steve and he a look of pure love and adoration in his eyes, and it made your heart swell. 

God, you wished you would’ve paid more attention to the way both he and Bucky looked at you that night, but you were just so damn happy and having so much fun.

If you could turn back time...

“Am I still okay at singing?” Meg asked once she finally made her way over to all of you.

“Dude, you’re still fucking amazing!” you beamed as you wrapped her in a tight hug and she laughed. “That was so good! Thank you for playing ‘Decoy’, almost making me cry!”

“Aha!” she teased before she looked at everyone else. “What about Earth’s mightiest heroes? Were you all able to tolerate it?”

“That was amazing,” Tony laughed, Pepper nodding in agreement.

“Why don’t you do this full time?” Nat asked as you waived Paul down and got another drink for both you and Meg.

“If I did this full time, I’d be so stressed all the damn time,” Meg laughed, “I’m much happier painting.”

“What do you paint? Do you have a studio?” Clint inquired and a smile came to your face.

Things were going better than you could have ever imagined. 

As everyone got acquainted, you snuck to have a smoke. A few moments later, a smile came to your face when you saw Steve come out after you.

“You said you’re quitting those,” he nodded towards the cigarette in your hand. 

“I stole Paul’s,” you laughed, standing a little further from him so as to not get the smoke in his face. 

“I can handle it,” he laughed as he placed his black leather jacket on you. “You’re pretty...exposed and I don’t want you getting cold.”

“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest man?” you teased before you inhaled your cancer stick. “Who else knows about this? I’ll call the ‘New York Times’” He snickered as he shook his head, “quiet you.”

“Are you having fun tonight?”

“I am, I like you seeing like this.”

You scoffed, “crazy?” “Happy...content. Secure.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at his words, and the look he gave you along with it, had butterflies appearing in your stomach.

“We should get back inside,” you smiled at up at him as you ashed the last of your cigarette and threw it in the nearby trash bin. 

And maybe that’s when it started.

You just missed all the signs that night, because you were convinced Steve didn’t want you.

He convinced you he didn’t want you. 

When the two of you got back inside, Paul had just finished up his shift and the guys had finished helping Meg back up her equipment which she had decided to lock up in the manager’s office for the night. 

“Dancing! We need dancing!” she whined once her eyes landed on you.

“Hell yeah we do,” you laughed as you linked arms with both her and Nat.

Once again, you didn’t notice the way Bucky ogled you or the way Steve kept a close eye on you. When you all reached the next bar, you instantly ordered more drinks and pulled Nat and Meg onto the dance floor with you, still wearing Steve’s coat. He leaned against the bar, talking with Tony and Pepper, but still kept an eye on you. As Janet Jackson’s voiced filled the giant building, you danced around with the biggest smile on your face (at some point Meg had put her sunglasses on your face), smiling and waiving at Bucky when you saw his eyes glued to you.

Well, glues to your ass.

By the time everyone was ready to call it a night, you were drunk as shit.

“You’re not coming back to the compound?” Nat asked as she stumbled out after you.

“Nah, I wanna sleep in my own space tonight. It’s closer,” you giggled as you started giving out hugs.

“I can take you,” Bucky offered with a slick grin.

“I can take her, she’s on the way to my house,” Steve countered, and Meg cocked an eyebrow at you.

You just started dancing and walking. 

“Goodnight everyone! Get home safe! I love you all!”

You were drunk, tired, and in no mood to figure out whatever that was about. You just wanted to go home and get in your bed. You honestly don’t know why you didn’t go back to the compound that night, but it just felt right to go to your own home. You already spent so little time there to begin with. A few moments later, you heard the hurried footsteps of someone behind you, but you kept looking ahead.

“You’re impatient when you’re drunk,” Steve laughed as he came up beside you.

A small smile came to your face at the fact that Steve was the one to walk you home.

You giggled as you leaned into him, “my feet hurt.”

No sooner than you said it, he scooped you up.

“Steve!”

“You weigh nothing, don’t worry about it, darlin.” “It’s a 30 minute walk!” 

“I’m very well aware of where your apartment is.” “Steve-”

“Hush.”

You pouted but did as you were told, leaned into him, and took in the scent that was all his own. Something between woodsy and fresh cut grass. In your drunken state, he felt like home.

“Why didn’t you want Bucky to take me home?” you asked after a few moments, not missing the way he stiffened a bit.

“He’s a little buzzed and he gets a little handsy and flirty at times. I didn’t want him to bother you.” You giggled as you took in more of his scent, “you’re literally carrying me, Steve.” “You said your feet hurt.” “Are you a little buzzed?”

“I definitely don’t feel sober,” he chuckled softly and you softly sighed at the comfort of rumble in his chest.

“Do you wanna sleepover?”

“I’ll order a car service once I drop you off.”

“Why not order one now?”

“It was weird...everyone hanging out tonight. I feel like we haven’t hung out alone together in a while.” “Then why not sleepover?”

“Cause I should go home. I don’t wanna accidentally wake you up or something. You worked hard today and you need rest.” “So did you.” “Y/N.” “You’re so weird sometimes, Steve,” you huffed as you laced your hand with his.

“What are you doing?”

“Holding your hand like I’ve done a million times before. What’s wrong?” “Nothing.”

You rolled your eyes and mumbled, “alright weirdo.” “I’m not being weird.”

“You’re not being normal.”

He let out a frustrated huff, “did you have fun tonight?”

“So much fun, I’m so happy you came out.”

“I’ve missed you, darlin.” “I’ve missed you too. Steve?”

“Hmm?”

“Sleepover.”

“Y/N-” “See? You are being weird. You’ve slept over my place a ton before, in my bed, and it wasn’t weird. What’s so different about tonight?”

He muttered, “so many things.” “Like what?”

“It’s just been a long night.”

“Fine, whatever. Go home, see if I give a fuck.” “Hey!”

“You’re being weird and you won’t tell me why. You know I hate when you do that shit.”

“I just think I should sleep in my own bed, darlin’. I’m not trying to be weird or make you upset.”

He sounded so strained and you couldn’t read his facial expression, so you couldn’t see how torn up he was. You couldn’t tell how much he was at war with himself.

You couldn’t tell how much he wanted you.

He chuckled when you didn’t say anything, “don’t get quiet on me now.”

“Can you at least stay until I fall asleep? It won’t take long.” “Everything okay, darlin’?”

“Yeah Steve, I just miss you,” you confessed softly. 

“We’ll do a sleepover tomorrow, alright? We’ll have it at my house.” “Fine.” “Don’t be upset.” “I don’t care.” “You’re also a giant brat when you’re drunk.” “You’re saying that you miss me, but won’t spend time with me!”

God, you sounded like a brat to your own ears. That was a huge part as to why you’d never let him see you so inebriated. It’s why you never wanted anyone from The Avengers (or S.H.I.E.L.D for that matter) to see you so drunk. It became harder for you to suppress your feelings for Steve, and he’s all you wanted when you were drunk. For reasons unknown to you (at the time), Steve wanted to go home. That should’ve been enough, but your drunk wanted to hold him all night. 

You were going out of your way to start an argument. 

He let out a heavy sigh as he reached your complex, “I’ll stay-”

“Don’t do me any fucking favors-” “Will stop arguing with me? And stop with swearing, you know I hate it.” “Well maybe I hate you.”

He scoffed hard at that, “no you don’t.”

“You don’t know that-”

“Yes I do, so stop saying it. I’ll stay, okay?”

“And you’ll sleep next to me?”

“Yes darlin’, I will sleep next to you.”

You pressed a soft kiss to his neck and you felt his grip on you get tighter, “thank you, Steve!”

“Anything for you, sweetheart.”

That night, he was good to his word and slept next to you, letting use his chest as a pillow and you were asleep almost instantly. The next day, he was back to normal and you didn’t think anything of his behavior from the previous night. You had no reason to. However, from that day on, things did slowly start to change more. 

It started with Bucky coming around more, especially when Steve was with you. You couldn’t sense it, because has always been entirely too good at hiding his emotions, but he slowly became frustrated. So much that he basically stopped coming around all together. 

“Hey, are you busy?” you asked timidly as you approached his office one day.

“Yeah, unfortunately.” “Oh...okay then-”

“What’s wrong?”

“No, you’re busy and I don’t wanna take up your time...”

You could feel your eyes welling up and didn’t know why. Steve always had a way of making you so damn soft and vulnerable, and you truly hated it.

You still hate it. 

“Darlin’-” “Please stop calling me that. The guy who started calling me that doesn’t seem to exist anymore. If he does, he’s making sure to stay away from me.”

“He still exists-” “Then what’s going on? Why are you staying away from me?”

He sighed as he threw down his pen, “nothing-”

“Alright, if you’re just gonna lie to me-” “I’m not lying!”

“Steve, you saw me walking with Bucky yesterday and literally turned in the other direction and walked away.” “You guys are just hanging out a lot now and I don’t wanna third wheel-” “You wouldn’t third wheeling! We’re just friends!”

“Y/N...” “Steve, why are you just abandoning me? You’re the one I’m closest to and you know that. You’ve always known that,” you sobbed as you closed the door behind you.

“Please don’t cry-” “Then why are you abandoning me?! What did I do wrong?!”

“Nothing-”

“Then what the fuck?! You’ve been acting so strange, but you’re saying I haven’t done anything! If I didn’t do anything, what the fuck is going on with you?!”

He let out another frustrated sigh and just stared at you, clearly at war with himself.

“Fuck this and fuck you, I give up,” you sobbed as you dried your eyes. 

“Darlin’”

“Stop calling me that! I’m just Y/N and you’re just Steve. I can’t do this with you anymore!”

After you stormed out, things only got worse, because you’d never felt so low and alone in your life. Unless it had to do with a mission or training, you barely even looked his way. The farther you got away from Steve, the more Bucky swooped in. In fact, the more you look at how everything happened, you realize that things wouldn’t have gotten so bad if you’d just shut things down with the both of them. 

However, it’s not as if thinking with a broken heart ever lead to a good thing. 

You cried a lot and Bucky was just there for you. He was sweet, he listened, and let you keep your secrets. Sure, he asked what happened between you and Steve (everyone was), but he dropped it when you told him you wouldn’t be talking about it.

You can’t explain what you don’t know. 

“Hey doll, we’re goin’ out tonight. You wanna come? Invite Meg!” Bucky asked one night after you let him in your apartment on the compound.

“Nah, I’ve got a hot date with a black and white French film and a few glasses of wine,” you smiled weakly.

“You can’t stay in here forever.”

“I don’t. Sometimes I go home.” “Babe-”

“I just wanna stay in, Buck,” you sighed as someone else knocked on your door. “I guess I’m just the most popular girl in the world.”

When you opened it the second time, Steve stood there looking just as upset as you felt. Instead of even trying to attempt to hear him out, a rage flared up inside you and you had to force yourself to not shove him. As far as you were concerned, he had a lot of fucking nerve to show up at your place after all the shit that happened in his office. 

“What?”

“I wanted to know if you’re coming out tonight-”

“No.”

“Well, can I come in and we can talk? I know I owe you an explanation-”

“I don’t want an explanation anymore, Steve,” you lied harshly, “I just want you to leave me alone. I stood in your office and cried like a fucking dumbass...that was a month ago. Now you wanna talk? Just leave things as they are.”

You truly wish you hadn’t spoken out of anger because none of it was true. You cried over him whenever you were alone, you missed hanging out with him, you missed falling asleep next to him...you missed Steve. Your Steve.

You’ve always been a hot head. 

“Darlin-” “What have I told you about that?” “Y/N, just give me a few minutes-”

“No, go away. Unless it has to do with work, we don’t have anything to talk about.” “You don’t mean that,” he more pleaded than told you.

“I’ve never meant it more!”

“Y/N-”

Bucky sighed as he came up behind you, “she just needs to cool off, Pal.”

If you hadn’t been so upset and hurt you would’ve laughed at how wide Steve’s eyes got.

“We’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay?”

“I thought you were coming out. It was your idea in the first damn place,” Steve snapped.

“I don’t wanna leave Y/N while she’s this upset. She shouldn’t be alone right now.”

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but all that happened was he clenched his jaw and looked away before he stormed off, punching the wall on his way out.

You should’ve spoken to him. You should’ve gone after him. Instead you pushed past Bucky and made yourself your first glass of wine of the night.

“Babe-”

“Buck, if you’re gonna stay here tonight, please no lectures. I just wanna be upset, okay?”

He just nodded solemnly, “I get it. No lectures, just drinks and weird French movies,” he smirked and you quietly laughed. 

Here’s the thing: it’s not that you never found Bucky attractive, you just never thought about him. You were always thinking about Steve. However, at that time, thinking about Steve brought you too much pain and you didn’t want to feel anymore pain for a while. You just wanted to feel numb. You’d rather have nothing, the void, than hold onto the pain Steve’s brought on. 

You rested your legs on him when he sat next to you, not thinking anything of it. When he started stroking your leg after the third glass of wine, you still didn’t think anything of it. You only started to pick up on his actions when he squeezed your thigh a little.

“Buck?”

“Yeah doll?” “What are you doing?”

“Trying to help you relax and feel better.”

“Buck-”

“I’ve never seen you this upset, babe. I just wanna help.”

The thought and the offer were tempting. You couldn’t remember the last time you had gotten off to something other than your vibrator. Of course you’d made subtle advances towards Steve, but he’d clearly turned you down. Plus, the women around the compound did talk. While Bucky had a reputation for being a skirt chaser, he also had a reputation for wearing women out in the best way.

It’s not like you were looking for anything. You just wanted to forget for awhile. 

He tested the waters a bit more by sliding his hand further up your leg, waiting to see how you’d respond. 

You placed your wine glass on the ground and opened your legs for him a bit, “you just wanna make me feel better?”

“So fuckin’ good, doll,” he husked, as he reached between your legs and easily ripped your panties off, “just lay back and enjoy, baby.”

His movements were slow, but his kisses were desperate. It felt good, but off. Not to mention you felt more guilty with every kiss he gave you, like you were betraying Steve.

‘Fuck Steve,’ you told yourself mentally, ‘he had his chance and he clearly didn’t want it.’

You closed your eyes in a vain attempt to shut out any thoughts of Steve, but that only made his face come to mind. You let out a sound between a moan and a frustrated grunt as you pulled Bucky’s hair.

“Please!”

“Tell me how bad you want it,” he smirked, his hot breath lapped at your pussy.

“So fucking bad, please! Need it!”

“Love seeing you like this,” he cooed, before he dipped down and dove in and his lewd moans filled the room.

This was the moment Bucky became your “decoy”. You didn’t want him in the same way he wanted you, but part of you felt like he didn’t actually give a shit. Since he’d lost Nat to Bruce, Bucky wasn’t ever really looking for a relationship. He liked to play around, entertain a woman (or two) for a few months, then he’d move on. As far as you were concerned, that night was only supposed to be a one time thing. 

“F-fuck!” you moaned, doing your best to be in the moment as you lulled your head back while he fucked you with his tongue and massaged your clit with his thumb. “Feels so good, Buck!”

You weren’t lying completely. It’s not as if Bucky was bad at eating you out, he just wasn’t the one you wanted doing it. 

You felt him smirk against your folds, and started to grind your pussy against his face, forcing yourself to focus on all the pleasure you felt instead of everything else.

‘Steve doesn’t want you. Steve doesn’t want you. Stop thinking about Steve!’ you told yourself mentally.

When he switched up and started sucking on your clit, he easily pressed two fingers into your soaked folds. You felt the knot in your core tighten and snap.

“FUCK!” you cried out as you came hard and a few tears escaped your eyes.

You hated how the tears weren’t from pleasure, but you masked it well enough as he fucked you through your high.

“Take off that fuckin’ shirt, baby. Let me fuckin’ see you,” he husked as he took off his own shirt and started to undo his jeans. 

You were quick to do as he said, taking all of him as you ignored how uncomfortable you felt being so bare beneath him as his mouth glistened with your juices.

You were doing this to feel better, so why weren’t you feeling any better?

“Waited so fuckin’ long, baby,” he groaned as he dipped down and worshiped each of your breasts while his thumb made little circles on your clit.

“Bucky!”

“I know baby, I’m gonna take care of you, gonna take such good care of you,” he moaned before you felt his tongue on the side of your neck, licking up little beads of sweat. 

You took a deep breath and told yourself you wanted it as you felt him at your entrance. You wanted Bucky. You just needed to let yourself relax.

“Jesus, you’re fuckin’ tight!” he grunted as he pushed into you.

“Oh fuck!”

“I know you can take me, baby! Your wet little pussy is squeezing me so tight, baby!” “Please don’t stop,” you whimpered as you wrapped a leg around his waist, trying to hang on to him as he fucked into you hard and fast.

You wanted this. You agreed to this.

He pushed himself up with his metal arm and looked down at you adoringly, “wanted you for so long, doll. Waited for...ah fuck!”

To avoid feeling anymore guilt, you wrapped an arm around him to pull him close and kissed him passionately, moaning into his mouth when you felt him fill you to the brim. He rode out both your highs before he rested his forehead against yours.

“So good, baby. You tired?” he asked, breath still coming heavy.

You just closed your eyes and shook your head no.

“Good girl.”

Bucky kept at it for a while, not feeling any real pleasure until he brought you off (which you had to fake half the time). There was nothing wrong with him. You found him attractive, and you knew that he wanted you, but it just wasn’t what you wanted. All of it felt so hollow and emotionless on your end. You felt like you were acting and Bucky was working his ass off to please you; to make matters worse, your phone kept going off and you knew who it was.

Steve would’ve hated you if he knew what you were doing and who with, but a part of you felt like he already did. When you both were done, Bucky was a gentleman. He pulled your shirt over your head, carried you to bed, and held you close until you both fell asleep.

You didn’t cry until the next day when you woke up alone in an empty apartment. You ignored calls from both Bucky and Steve, and eventually Bucky was the only one texting you.

Something in you knew that Bucky had confirmed his suspicions, and you just knew he was furious. You and Steve both knew Bucky wasn’t a bad guy, he was just a player and Steve never wanted that for you. 

Eventually you cracked and called Meg, and cried while you told her everything. 

“Well...fuck,” she muttered once you finally got everything out. “Are you sure Steve knows?”

“His calls and texts were incessant until they weren’t. He hasn’t done either in the last 3 hours.”

“Oh yeah no, he definitely fucking knows. Bucky?”

“Bucky went from every 30 minutes to every other hour.”

“Well, what’s wrong with him?” “Nothing...”

“Except?” 

“He’s not Steve.”

“Yeah, but Steve passed up on you, and he was kind of a dick about it. He waited a month until after the office situation? You’ve been showing him your available for how many years? I know you love him, but-”

“I don’t love him.”

“Yeah, cause that’s you’re crying to me about him instead of the skirt chaser that fucked your brains out?”

“Meg.”

“I’m not being insensitive, I’m being honest. Bucky was there last night, clearly wanted you, was with you all night, and all you could think about was Steve. Today, even though Bucky is still texting you, you’re more upset that Steve isn’t because you know he knows. If I were you, I’d be more worried about the guy that’s used to fucking around breaking my heart, than the guy who isn’t,” she sighed.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Steve had his chance, I need to let him go. I’ve been in my room crying all day...I have to stop.”

“Can you?”

“I don’t have much of a choice do I?”

“Babe, if you could end up with Steve, I’d prefer that, but that’s not really an option. Even if he came back, he gave you the run around for a bit. Just focus on you for now and what you want. You always want to make others happy, and you need to focus on you.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No, being alone is good for me right now.”

“Alright, I love you, Y/N. It’s gonna be okay.”

You let out a heavy sigh as you sobbed, “I love you,” and hung up.

You ignored Bucky for the rest of the day, feeling guilty about it, but knowing it was for the best. You’d done enough wrong and you truly did need to focus on you and what you wanted.

However, before you fell asleep, you broke down and checked all your texts from Steve.

O Captain, My Captain: Darlin, please just talk to me. I’m so sorry.

O Captain, My Captain: I’m not going out tonight, please just answer me.

O Captain, My Captain: Don’t do anything with Bucky. He’s my best friend, but he’s not worthy of you. He won’t treat you right and you know that.

O Captain, My Captain: Please just answer me.

O Captain, My Captain: If I could take back my actions, I would. I’m so sorry. If you’d just talk to me, I’d be able to make you understand.

O Captain, My Captain: Please talk to me. I miss you so much.

O Captain, My Captain: I’m going to sleep, but give me a call whenever.

O Captain, My Captain: Seriously? All night and you’re still not talking to me?

O Captain, My Captain: Baby, please just talk to me. We’ve never gone this long without talking, and I fucking hate it.

O Captain, My Captain: Y/N...please.

O Captain, My Captain: Bucky just left. You’ve made yourself loud and clear, and fine. I got it.

O Captain, My Captain: Do whatever the fuck you want.

When you woke up the following day, you had the biggest headache from crying, and the last thing you felt like doing was facing either of them. You had a job to do though, and criminals didn’t stop being criminals just because you had a broken heart. Even though you were slower to dress than usual, you were still on time for training, and God, it was brutal.

Bucky kept looking at you, Steve wouldn’t even look your way, and you couldn’t focus. You’d never had a day so bad, and all you wanted was to crawl back into bed. During the meeting after, you just leaned against the wall, barely listening to anything Nick had to say. The one time you bothered to look up, you looked over at Steve and was glaring at you. 

God, you really fucking hated yourself. 

“Doll, wait up!” Bucky called after you once the meeting was over.

You’d practically run out of the room.

“Bucky, I really just want-”

“What did I do wrong?” he breathed once he caught up to you. “Everything seemed fine on Saturday, I thought we both enjoyed it.”

You didn’t miss the way Steve quietly scoffed as he walked past the both of you.

“Bucky, I just-”

“Did I hurt you? What...I really like you, Y/N. I have for a while and I just...was I too eager?”

You honestly hadn’t expected that.

“Wait...what?”

“I never said anything, because I thought you and Steve had a thing going, but that’s clearly not happening. You were just so upset on Saturday and I wanted to make you happy, and I’ve wanted you for so long...what did I do?”

Trash. You felt like absolute trash.

“I need to get to my room.” “Y/N-”

“Just...I’ll talk to you later, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I just have a lot going on in my head. I just need to be by myself for a while.”

“Please just-”

“I’ll talk to you later, okay? I’m sorry.”

~~

You can read the rest here.

#fanfic #fan fiction #fan fic #fanfiction #avengers au #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers smut #The Avengers Fanfic #Steven Grant Rogers #james buchanan barnes x reader #james bucky barnes #james buchanan barnes #steve rogers fluff #Steve Grant Rogersxreader #love triangle #chris evans character x reader #chris evans character fanfiction #chris evans characters #sebastian stan characters #Sebastian Stan Characters Fanfic #Steve RogersxReaderxBucky #fanfic writing #Fanfic Writer #Patreon #patreon artist #ao3 fanfic #support artists #bucky barns x reader #steve rogers x you

[lunascalamity]

Head empty, thinking about sub tsukishima.

Sub tsukishima who would try and be intimidating out of the bedroom, only to internally regret it when you don’t say anything and just laugh at his brattiness. Do not humor his bratty behavior, he just wants a reaction. Instead, play coy and let him slowly breakdown and finally tell you what he wants.

Sub tsukishima who would fight you so hard on who should be the dom when you first bring it up at the beginning of your relationship. Not because he wants to be the dom, but because he wants to make it seem like you convinced him to be submissive, instead of him wanting to be it in the first place. So when you back off and say you guys should talk about a compromise, he immediately backpedals and is like “okay fine! Jesus… wanna peg/fuck me soooo bad 🙄” tsundere motherfucker 😒

Sub tsukishima who’s always gonna make you work for it every single time, no matter what. Testing you while you guys make out, trying to lead. But give him even the littlest bit of pressure with your knee to his dick and he breaks so fast. Going from “ffuck hurry up” to “mmpff god please please please~”

Sub tsukishima who always just waits for you to initiate everything. So when you don’t do anything as a joke one day, he becomes super bratty. Why aren’t you touching him, annoying him, or making stupid dirty jokes? “You’re being so weird today…” Worries he did something wrong. When you tell him it was a joke he doesn’t think it’s very funny and just scoffs, so fuck him good that night ‘kay?

Sub tsukishima who is so cute when he’s fucked out, pushing your head towards his for a kiss, holding your hand, wrapping his legs around you so you don’t go, all while he glares at you like, bro? —“Want me to stop?” he squeezes your hand tighter, “N-no, shut up.”

Sub tsukishima where you tease him by making him communicate

“Cmon Kei, I’m not doing anything until you tell me what you want.”

“Who said I wanted anything, this was your idea.”

“So you’re telling me that’s not your boner i’m feeling right now?”

“I’ll just deal with it myself.”

“Alright then, deal with it.”

He tries to prove you wrong by jerking off in front of you, trying to say ‘I don’t need you to cum’. But the way you look at him so smugly yet lovingly makes his whole body so hot and turns him on so much. He tries to look away but it doesn’t feel as good. And when you start whispering praises absentmindedly? “Fuck you’re so hot.” “You look so good like this.” He’s so done. At that point, he’s just jerking off for you, your praises egging him on. And when he does cum, he feels so unsatisfied. Your presence did a lot to get him going, but nothing can compare to your touch. so edge him till he apologizes.

———————————-☆

I was planing on just doing a few headacannons (or whatever tf these are) to cure some of my writing block and motivate me more, but I ended up writing more than I thought 💀 kei brain rot strong. Proud tsundere fucker 🦅🇺🇸🔥🔥🔥‼️‼️‼️💪

#dom reader #dom!reader #fem reader #gender neautral reader #sub character #sub haikyuu #tsukishima kei #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima headcanons #tsukishima smut #haikyu x reader #haikyu smut #sub tsukishima #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu smut

[notinmyvocab]

Laundry Day

There's a mix-up at the laundromat. How embarrassing.

LarissaxOFC, swearing, general dorkiness

read part ii here

“Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Alice stared at the large pile of laundry on top of the dryers, recognizing a few pieces of her clothing mixed into the jumble.

“Oh my.”

Alice turned to see a tall, striking woman approach. The woman reached into the pile and pulled out a garment that clearly belonged to her. “Seems someone was impatient with the dryers,” Alice said to the woman.

“Just my luck,” Larissa muttered. Of course, her washer and dryer needed replacing right before she needed laundry done. Using the Jericho Laundromat was a perfectly logical solution until her new washer and dryer showed up, but now she was regretting the choice.

“Well… guess we’ve got some sorting ahead of us.”

“Indeed,” Larissa sighed.

“Alice, by the way.” It seemed logical to introduce herself considering they would now tasked with sorting through each other’s personal items.

“Larissa.”

Larissa. It was an exquisite name, made even more divine when said in such a warm, buttery voice. But now was not the time to indulge small crushes; there was laundry to do.

Armfuls of clothing were brought to the back of the laundromat, away from prying eyes. This would be easy, Alice was sure of it. Their styles were rather different. Everything casual belonged to her, and everything elegant belonged to Larissa. Simple.

And for a while, it was. Wordlessly, the two women sorted through the clothing, taking what was theirs and handing off what wasn’t.

The silence was then replaced by a soft melody, upbeat and catchy. Alice was humming.

“What song is that?” Larissa asked.

Alice silenced herself, a tad embarrassed. It had been an unconscious action and now she had to explain something that would probably make her sound like a complete dork. “It’s um… so there’s this… musical. And there’s a song called ‘My Freeze Ray.’ But like… it takes place when two characters are at the laundromat.”

She braced herself for the judgment; for Larissa to roll her eyes or scoff. Instead, Larissa smiled, and suddenly it was easier to breathe. The two fell into conversation.

Larissa was a principal. Alice worked at the Weathervane.

“How odd; I’ve never seen you there before,” said Larissa.

“I’m always there before opening, and in the back. I’m the baker.”

Larissa raised her eyebrows. “Do you mean to say that you’re responsible for the orange-cranberry muffins?”

“Guilty as charged.”

“Those are my absolute favorites; I get one every chance I get.”

Alice blushed, grinning stupidly. “I’m actually really glad to hear that. I was messing around with a family recipe and came up with that.”

“Well, it’s delicious. You have my mark of approval.”

The two women basked in the kind moment, but it was terribly brief. They had gone through most of the laundry at that point. The idea of ending the conversation so soon wasn’t what gave each of them pause, though. It was what remained.

Alice wouldn’t say she was embarrassed by intimates, but the idea of Larissa possibly handling her plain cotton underwear mortified her. It seemed Larissa felt the same, for the older woman also hesitated.

Deciding to take initiative, Alice plunged her hand into the piling of clothing and pulled out the first thing her fingers curled around. It was her own underwear, thank god. She began folding.

Larissa watched intently, not captivated by the garment, but by Alice’s candor. Feeling emboldened, Larissa did the same, grabbing a pair of her stockings. She folded them delicately, unable to ignore Alice watching her out of the corner of her eye.

The silence that befell them wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was a certain tension that Alice couldn’t name. She tried powering through it until she noticed that Larissa began folding a pair of panties that she definitely recognized.

“Oh, um… I think… those are mine?” Her cheeks flushed as red as the panties that Larissa held: lacy and revealing.

Larissa looked down at the garment, her cheeks also coloring. “Oh! I’m sorry I thought… I um… I have a similar pair; I thought they were mine.” Embarrassed, Larissa handed over the underwear. “You um… you have good taste.”

Alice giggled, more out of embarrassment. “Thanks. There was uh… there was a sale somewhere.” She dug into the pile of clothes again and grasped a pair of underwear that she prayed was hers.

No such luck.

“Here,” she said quickly, handing off the thong, trying not to let her gaze linger on it. She didn’t wear thongs, never having a need for them. But it seemed Larissa didn’t mind them; there appeared to be a few in the pile.

Mortified, Larissa snatched the thong away from Alice, and tried collecting the ones remaining in the pile.

“They’re cute,” Alice said, trying to make Larissa feel better about the whole situation. It was awkward for the both of them, but they weren’t suffering in awkwardness alone. “You… you’ve got good taste, too.”

Jesus. Could she be any more of a loser?

Alice exhaled heavily. “Okay, we have to sort through out things. People wear underwear and bras and stuff. It doesn’t have to be weird, right?”

“…Right,” Larissa agreed, albeit hesitantly. She wasn’t used to being so exposed, especially to a stranger. “I suppose you’re correct. We’re both mature adults.”

Alice wasn’t so sure about mature. She fancied herself mature for her age, but honestly she couldn’t help but imagine Larissa, this tall goddess, wearing the thong she held in her hands.

Panicking, Alice pulled out her cellphone as if someone was calling her. But Larissa saw that the screen was black. “Sorry, gotta take this,” Alice said, putting her phone to her ears and walking out of the laundromat at a brisk pace.

Once outside, she put her phone back into her pocket and took a deep breath. Fucking hell. This situation had gone from mortifying, to chill, to mortifying again. Maybe she should just leave? She could always buy new clothes, right?

“Alice?”

Alice looked over to see Larissa approaching her.

“Sorry, I just…” Alice faltered. What could she even say? She wanted to throw up.

“I actually have to get going. I have a meeting to get to,” Larissa said quickly. “If you don’t mind… I can bring the rest of the laundry to my place in the meantime, and you could… if you have the time, you can come over tonight and we can finish sorting?”

“Yes,” Alice answered immediately, not even giving a second to the offer some thought. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

“Give me your phone.”

Alice complied without question, handing over the device after unlocking it. Within seconds, Larissa added her contact and texted herself so that she had Alice’s number as well.

Already Alice felt immensely better about the whole ordeal. They could continue this in true privacy, and she could take some much needed time to get her head on straight.

“There,” Larissa said, handing back the phone. “I’ll send you the details when I’m out of my meeting.”

Alice agreed, and the two women parted ways, Alice returning to her apartment and Larissa storing the laundry in the trunk of the van and heading off to her meeting.

A few hours passed, and Alice wondered if Larissa would ever text her. Surely a stranger wouldn’t just steal her clothes? Then again, there were a lot of weirdos out there.

Finally, her phone buzzed. Overeager, Alice lunged for the device and opened her messages.

Sorry about the wait! All settled; come on by!

Another message told Alice the address. Perfect. Alice was about to store her phone away in her back pocket when it buzzed again; another text message with a photo attached.

And what a photo it was. Larissa stood in front of her mirror, hair pinned up still and makeup immaculate. But instead of the dress she wore earlier she wore… oh fuck.

Alice’s heart stopped as she stared at the photo, mouth going dry. Apparently the red lace panties Larissa mentioned owning had a matching bra and garter set.

Another text: you’re right, I do have good taste 😉

#larissa weems #fanfiction #my writing

[oh-saints]

sweetest devotion (p.1)

despite being written on paper, arranged marriages don't really have a guidance entailed. and mason was trapped into navigating the direction of this huge ship alone.

playboy!mason mount x princess!OC

word count: 2.0k

tw: as mentioned in the masterlist only, but extramarital affair to a marriage of convenience for this chapter

note: due to a stupid accident that costed my wrist, sorry for the long delay but here it is! i promised you next part's longer but hope you enjoy it nonetheless. as usual, i happen to write at dawn so this is not beta-read yet.

tags: @missgaygurl @pingyu-in-wonderland <3 (lemme know if you want to be added!)

sweetest devotion masterlist here <<prologue here - part 2 here>>

but face proven to be not everything needed in this holy institution called marriage.

especially not when the woman-in-question didn’t show that pretty face any where near mason throughout the second week.

mason never thought his marriage would turn out like this, though.

mainly because during the first week, mason and serena managed to stay civil—serena, for the sake of the baby; mason, for the sake of his life. because let’s be honest, there was too much at stake if they fucked up.

but truthfully, mason actually had a glimpse of what their marriage could look like, should they work together immaculately, so he didn’t think he had a point to complain. he reaped the benefits such as having his laundry taken care of—which he once admitted publicly was a total bummer when he was living alone because it’d mean he had to do it by his own self—while she was sheltered nicely and comfortably from the harsh punishment hanging on her head like a bounty.

well, at least until the mastermind behind the grand plan went missing.

no prior words, prior warning or whatsoever.

and mason was left dumbstruck. because now, what the hell was he supposed to do in this house without being reminded that he now couldn’t go out as much as he liked to? or the fact that he couldn’t pop into some upcoming hit nightclub for a relieve of his own without jeopardising both his and serena’s life?

fucking hell, he groaned before landing a well-placed punched to the sandbag he stored in his home gym. lately the poor thing was his only solace to the burning rage boiling that was threatening to combust. he’d never hated himself for what he’d done to his own life more than that precise moment.

once, someone told him that the most dangerous taste in life was the taste of freedom. and god were they right—he’d exchange everything in possession to have his premarital life and the freedom he was entitled with back in his hold. fuck what they said about his reputation of painting the town red.

“mase!” ben’s chirpy voice over the call clearly indicated he was drunk and in need of help. “you should come to the factory! she’s here!”

mason didn’t think twice to put on his usual clubbing garb at ben’s information and pulled out his Lamborghini from his driveway towards his and ben’s favourite nightclub.

and ironically, the place where it all begin for mason and serena.

but if serena was having fun at the night club, he deserved the right to ruin his steak of sombre nights. did he not?

“mason!” ben chilwell had to scream for his name to beat out the pounding music but his ears had never been more familiar at the loud voices more than now. “you’re here!”

“where’s she?”

ben’s smile grew wider at mason’s question. the left-back might not know the reason behind mason’s rash decision to get married—he initially thought the young star was only not wanting to pass up the chance to tie down a princess—but one thing that he did know was that mason mount was like a moth to the fire whenever she was involved in the scene.

“over at the bar!”

mason’s scanned the said bar, and his heart fell at the sight of her. because she wasn’t who mason was looking out for; she wasn’t serena. and all his plan getting even to serena he initially planned went evaporating into the air.

she happened to have the name of elena, the very and only woman who mason dared to describe closest as his lover, despite their constant on-and-off nature.

and ironically, the very reason mason and serena happened the first place.

if it wasn’t because of her dumping him—for the nth time—mason wouldn’t have sought the company of another woman in his bed. he wouldn’t have hunted serena, the prettiest commodity the factory had accrued that night, down on a Friday night too long ago.

elena peered over her shoulder, her eyes gave out away the hidden surprise at the sight of mason coming to the nightclub. surely, the newlywed didn’t come alone, did he?

mason was supposed to feel accustomed to this game of her. it was her signature move—giving off a glance over her shoulder, looking smoulderingly sexy as she did so.

mason knew what was coming, her selling off herself to the highest bidder. and he wasn’t supposed to fall into the jealousy trap of seeing endless men courting her anymore.

but he did, helplessly, like icarus flying too close to the sun. and before he realised it himself, mason had already circled his arms around her waist, surrendering himself to the devil in prada shoes as he lost himself to the demonic sensation of having elena’s lips on his, sloppy kisses be damned.

this was normalcy for mason.

this was what he could’ve had, and he’d never hated serena more than now for stealing this away from him.

＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊

for the rest of the week, going back to elena’s place was all mason did. god knows doing what, but if whatever-it-was brought back the happy spirit to mason’s body and his old self, the rest of the Chelsea team didn’t question it.

only when he needed a fresh change of clothes did he come back to his home, did he realise serena was already back occupying the 1st floor of the building. he might not see her in flesh and blood, but the fresh scent of lavender told more than words could never convey.

he dashed for his bedroom, putting his pieces of clothing as much as the duffel bag let him to, before heading out again towards elena’s place. mason managed to reconcile for the good now—because elena also realised that having mason in the arms of anyone else didn’t settle with her well—so he didn’t want to waste time away from her anymore.

halfway downstairs, mason got stopped by serena’s figure at the other end of the stairs. the woman looked like she was going to catch up on mason, but as her eyes travelled to his packed bag, mason noticed she was dawning in the reality.

good, he thought inwardly. it should serve her place.

mason let another 10 seconds passed by before he continued galloping down the stairs, breezed past serena the way she left him a week ago—empty. indifferent.

like nothing.

＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊＊✿❀○❀✿＊

weeks passed and it was another weekly dose of mason fetching another pack of his clothes.

mason had certainly hired a cleaner so he could dump his dirty clothes one week and get another set of fresh clothes the next. despite his indifference towards serena, he prided himself on sparing her the smell of another woman standing in between them like the elephant in the room.

as soon as his feet graced the living room, a messy bun he wasn’t familiar at all was what came to his eyes, the hair colour so striking in the midst of mason’s all-white living room. while it wasn’t unusual, serena had never bothered crossing his way whenever he was back home to do this, as if they’d silently fallen into an inexplicable routine.

only at times like that was he grateful of marrying the right person. the princess’ pedigree certainly didn’t lie.

but still giving him her back, the owner of the highlighted scene spoke up. “you’re home.”

if serena wasn’t spurting the obvious information, mason would’ve shrunk at how eerily chilled her voice was. “you think?”

mason’s voice didn’t bother her at all—just like any other time during their short pre-wedding prep, the only time when he questioned her unwavering resolve only to be answered by “it’s just who I am.”

she just stood from her place so gracefully like a feather dancing ballet. “good, because we need to talk.”

“about what?”

“about us,” mason was seriously questioning how the hell she could spin her body into facing him with shoulders so squared she would’ve put kendall jenner to shame. “boundaries and all.”

oh, the audacity, mason scoffed. “the time of talking was a week ago, serena, which—in case you forget—was the time when you decided to disappear from the face of the earth.”

mason’s jab at her didn’t shake off her resolve, still. “where were you?”

“why do you care?”

“I care because the palace called,” mason appreciated she cut to the point because elena would be waiting for the dinner reservation he made for them. “I don’t care about you keeping a lover, mistress or whatever it is outside this house as long as you keep it under the wraps.”

shit, the palace must’ve found out somehow about him and elena. or the paparazzi did, who then contacted the palace to release the pictures. alas, mason must’ve been too reckless lately about his rendezvous. “okay.”

“and as long as you are to show up for the social gatherings the royal family may see fit,” this one, mason had to groan. who said marrying a princess was going to be a good stroke to his ego? “if it kills you so much, we can mingle for an hour tops before citing I’m not feeling well.”

“I don’t have problem with that,” the footballer crossed his arms as he bit back his response. he couldn’t possibly spew off his honest reaction at this time, not when this topic came up due to his carelessness. “I take it that includes my public appearances?”

“I’m not going to tail you to every of them if you don’t want me to,” yes, good, don’t come. “I’ll only go to where it concerns your club.”

“okay,” mason sighed, shifting his weight from his left leg to the right one, indicating he was uncomfortable and wanted to end this conversation already. “anything else?”

“that is all,” serena shook off her head before directing her feet to move towards her room. “good night, mason.”

“where were you, anyway?” serena halted her steps at mason’s question. “the past week?”

“why do you care, mason?”

mason knew serena only did that to get back at him but it still annoyed the hell of him. “just answer the damned question.”

“I was hospitalised.”

what? “how?”

“I fell off the stairs.”

what the fuck?! and she didn’t bother to share this piece of information? “okay… how about—”

“the baby? they’re safe, mason,” serena felt the need to turn around to show that she had indeed been doing a good job becoming a mother, no matter how bad mason was at doing his job as the father. “need not worry about it.”

serena might not show it in her words but mason could feel the slight annoyance at the way she turned herself around to him, to blatantly show him that all the reasons he didn’t need to put the blame on her for endangering their child. and it rubbed off in all the wrong way to mason because why was he getting the sticks now?

“I was meaning to ask how about we tell each other about our whereabouts, Jesus Christ,” mason grunted under his breath. serena was truly testing his patience this time… “your beloved palace surely wouldn’t appreciate it if you have a bad husband that doesn’t at least know where you are, no?”

that, serena could take a good moot point when she saw one.

but before serena could open a negotiation to mason’s suggestion, the man shook off his head as he dragged his feet towards his own bedroom. “hospital, of all places… good God.”

next chapter contains:

“how about having your friends over?”

“mason,” serena sighed, a bitter smile making its way to her face. “you’re the closest thing I have to a friend.”

mason couldn’t hide his surprise at her admission. despite being drunk, mason did remember that she went to the club where he was at, the night that led to their situation now, with so many people in tow. “didn’t you have so many friends when going to the club?”

bitter smile still intact, serena looked up this time and levelled mason’s gaze. “welcome to the lonely life of a princess, mason mount.”

#oh-saints writes #mason mount #mason mount x oc #mason mount fic #mason mount fics #mason mount fanfic #mason mount fanfics #mason mount fanfiction #mason mount angst #mason mount imagine #mason mount imagines #footie fic #footballer x oc #football fics

[strqyr]

BIG agree. ruby made herself vulnerable to her team and it backfired in the worst way, confirming every fear she'd had about opening up in the first place. the only way they can move from that point productively is for ruby to choose to seek them out again

altho i think wbyj also needs to have a Big Talk and sort some things out among themselves before reuniting

anyway, bets on yang being the most Mad at ruby? i feel like the comment abt her and blake would hit her pretty hard bc it's clearly something yang has wanted for a long time, plus i think in some ways yang still views herself as Ruby's Protector/Big Sister/etc and confronting the way Ruby's feeling would require her to confront the way she's contributed to it which. Is hard.

not yang hate btw i love her i just think it will be more interesting if wbyj is not 100% on the "oh God we fucked up how could we be so mean" train

yeah like. i wouldn't be surprised if this volume ends with all of them together getting back to remnant, but i also wouldn't be surprised if even after that ruby keeps her distance a bit more? as in, ruby is going to seek them out not necessarily bc she's 100% ready but bc it's necessary, cos like. i don't think this should be a thing that gets 'fixed' fully in three episodes. it's going to leave a Mark and that's fine, since things can't go back to way they were before; that's what got them to this point in the first place.

anyway, i am very excited to see everyone's reactions after the initial shock fades away, especially yang's. i think people are way too focused on the whole "she's a good / bad sister!!" when the point is that.. they're just.. sisters. i mean i'm the second youngest out of four, i have two older sisters and i love them very much but they have also pissed me off more times than i can count. that's just what having siblings is like; sometimes you're a good sibling and sometimes you're a bad sibling and sometimes that's intentional and sometimes it's not. that's just life. you can't be a little miss perfect all the time and always know what it is your sibling needs to hear or how to help them. sometimes you try and you fuck it up spectacularly, and if that happens, well. you think about it, figure out what went wrong, and try again if your sibling is ready to accept your help again. if they don't want it, then you respect that, too.

...where was i. oh, right, what comes to my mind is 'risk' and yang's attempted pep talk for ruby after she snaps and runs away for the first time; yang tries to cheer up ruby about her amity plan—'i was being childish' / 'you were being optimistic. look, blind optimism isn't great (lmao if this ain't what ruby has been kind of doing), but no optimism means we already lost. we need hope. we need to take risks. / 'but mine didn't work.' <- ruby pulls away from yang, who then has this look on her face before she sighs and gets up to get some distance before the talk takes a turn back to summer:

it's taking yang everything not to be frustrated at ruby's behavior and snapping back, and it still leaks through. like i don't think yang really knows how to handle ruby when she's being like this, bc ruby has always been optimistic and smiles all around; this kind of anger and frustration, the complete lack of any optimism, is new from ruby.

yang is definitely going to be concerned—they're in a strange world with unknown dangers, and on top of that neo is hunting down ruby specifically!!—but i can also see her being a little upset / annoyed / frustrated at ruby for... well, many reasons, but one of them being 'clearly she's not okay so why didn't she say anything?'

either way. interesting times ahead.

#rwby #rwby9 #rwby spoilers #ruby rose #yang xiao long #anon #ask.strqyr

[brightgnosis]

My Mother in Law's confusion isn't clearing up. She's just perpetually confused at this point. It's certainly better than it was, for sure. But even when she's "doing good" she's always perpetually at a low level of confusion.

She's always stumbling over words, using adjacent words and phrasing that aren't quite what she means, not getting facts straight, rambling in her stories. She's also not really sure what's going on most times, and not remembering simple things or basic events, etc. And then at complete random she's getting angry and argumentative, being rude to staff, saying nasty mean things ... And this is all completely contrary to her normal personality.

Yesterday the new doctor visited her in the morning. But by the time my Father in Law got off work to go visit in the evening, she didn't even remember speaking to or seeing the Doctor at all that day. She was mad they didn't come by, even.

Overall it's just not great. It's getting so hard to interact with her at all at this point on the rare occasion she's awake. Thankfully she hasn't gotten bad enough yet that they've had to sedate her again, however. So that's a small blessing at least.

With the Cancer just not responding to any of the treatments they've tried this round ... The sudden rapid and extreme progression that's happened since Hannukah / Christmas ... The Dementia / Confusion not clearing up ... Plus the fact that exploration during her leg surgery found Myeloma damage in spots they previously didn't know it was ... The fact that she's hyperfocusing really hard on God, and Angel Armies, and a bunch of Doomsday nonsense ... My Husband and I are fairly certain at this point that she's probably in her last stages.

I've seen this too many times with Cancer patients before they're about to go, and it typically doesn't bode well. It was my initial thought, even, when the confusion first started. But she seemed to get better when they switched her onto the Morphine, so we backed off the idea. Then the first major episode happened in the stairwell and it's just been downhill since then.

The woman and I have never really seen eye to eye on a lot of stuff- and Lord knows I've complained about so much that she's done over the years ... But my God she deserves to go out so much better than this. It's so hard to watch happen. It sucks. It hurts me to see her like this. It hurts me to see my Husband so hurt and scared and confused. Everything hurts right now. Everything is up in the air and it's just a waiting game at this point, though.

And honestly? It's also completely fucking terrifying; we literally have no idea how we're actually going to survive in the future between all her medical bills and the fact that her Disability income was all that was really floating this house in the first place. I mean, I'm sure we'll make it. We have to. We don't have any other choice but to. We've just gotta take it one step at a time ... But God, does staring down the barrel of having to figure it all out really put a certain kind of fear and uncertainty for the future deep in you.

#Personal #2024 #Alphabet Soup #Multiple Myeloma #Multigenerational Households Are Fun Until They're Not #She Called Me 'Her Ruth' #Trigger Warning

[steddieunderdogfics]

Our first writer's spotlight feature is: @anthotneystark! With seven works on Ao3 in the Stranger Things fandom (for ao3 users only), they've written five works with the Steddie ship tag!

Nominated by @thefreakandthehair, they recommend the following works by mywarisalreadywon:

Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain?)

But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)

I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me)

My wounds cry for the grave (My soul cries for deliverance)

Sold your soul (Built the higher wall)

Kat is an absolute treasure and such a wonderful writer! Her ideas are always so fresh and so interesting, and I've never read anything from her that doesn't just hit. All of her works are so well-crafted and well-written, characterization is always on point, and I can't say enough about how much I genuinely enjoy every single thing she posts! - @thefreakandthehair

Below the cut, @anthotneystark answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

I just find them so compelling, and there’s so many ways to shift the story around a bit or put them in different universes, like the options are just endless in a way a lot of the ships I’ve loved can’t be.

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I’m such a sucker for hurt/comfort, but I feel like that’s such a broad range, right? More specific would be the trop of one or both having insecurities and getting that “I love you and I will choose to keep loving you” moment.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Probably the breakdown moment of finally finding a safe harbor, or realizing that people love you, and it just hits you like a freight train and you can’t do anything but fall apart, and that can go hand in hand with found family, but that’s my specific gut-punch feeling that I want to put in every fic.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

Oh this is so hard! I have so many that I go back and read time and time again, so many that I absolutely adore! God, just picking one is so nerve wracking, I’m too indecisive, so I’ll say my top three (in no particular order): Sanctuary by SpicedSage, I’ve seen your face before, my friend,but I don’t know if you know who I am by HMSLusitania, and The One in Which a Time Loop is Fucking Exhausting by badpancake

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

Oh for sure! I’ve had a rom-com idea bouncing around in my head for a while, I just have to figure out a good starting place for it!

What is your writing process like?

The majority of the time, I start writing out my stories on paper. I scratch it down at least enough to get me started and use that kind of as a springboard. When I can get to a point of typing it up, having that and editing as I go helps me to really build momentum and then I can just let it flow, but that initial momentum is the hard part between getting the story out of my head and onto a page. If I’m stopping and starting, I reread and edit what I’ve typed up as my springboard, so by the time I’m finished, I’ve reread it all enough times that I’m sure I’ve got everything in the order I want.

Do you have any writing quirks?

I’m very sure that I do! I start a lot of sentences with conjunctions and I try to write, at least in some parts, so it reads like a stream of consciousness without entering first person. For me it’s almost like I type how I talk and sometimes I get a little too far into that and have to reel it back.

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

 Oh definitely when it’s finished. I lose motivation for periods of time and have to rotate between projects, so I feel much better about stuff when it’s all just done and I don’t have to worry about being stalled for too long.

Which fic are you most proud of?

I’m kinda torn on this one! Like I’m super proud of all the heart and the emotion I felt and tried to express in But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way), but My wounds cry for the grave (My soul cries for deliverance) was huge for me because that’s my biggest single chapter fic that I’ve ever written. If pressed, I think I’d have to go with the former just because that one in particular was so heavy for me on a more personal level.

How did you get the idea for But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)?

This fic is honestly so full of my own personal feelings that I get a little choked up thinking about it too much. I’m a younger sister, so I’m constantly in this cycle of making fun of my older sister and calling her names but having this deep love for her. My family isn’t one that really talks much about feelings, but there’s so much love there and I’m finding myself constantly thinking back on my own life about so many moments where neither of us was prepared for what we had to do, but I looked at her and thought she was invincible and I feel like that’s the core of Dustin and Steve. The “that’s my brother, he’s so tough and grown up and he’s always okay” and then the sort of devastation of realizing that this person you’ve always seen like that has a lot of moments where they’re scared and hurt and struggling but not showing it. There’s just a lot of me in that fic.

When writing I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me), what was something you didn’t expect?

I don’t know that there was anything I didn’t expect, because I try not to really push expectations onto my work, I try to just let it flow and figure it out from there. But something that felt right that I hadn’t initially planned for was the moment between Steve and Joyce. We haven’t seen them interact really, and I’ve seen a few different takes on them and how they’d see each other, but I honestly loved the thought of him having this moment of trying to hold it all together because there’s so much weight on his shoulders and the moment he sees someone who’s safe, someone who has been judged so much and wouldn’t be judgemental of him, he breaks.

What inspired Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain)?

This one actually started as a “haha what if Steve was born on a holiday” and then I made it a little angsty. Because I do like the born on a holiday and your birthday gets overlooked vibe, but then it was just a moment of thinking about what if it gets overlooked not because it’s a big holiday, but because people just don’t believe him and how much that would hurt year after year.

What was your favorite part to write from I will stay one night beside you, never go back to the sea (I will stay and be thy husband though it be the death of me)?

Definitely the bit about Steve begging for Eddie to keep him, with that warring feeling of not wanting to be restrained but wanting to be chosen. Feelings are so often multidimensional and that was something that just really spoke to me.

How do/did you feel writing But when it's your brother (Sometimes you look the other way)?

I cried so much. Like I said, there’s so much personal feeling in there, so much of the way that I am with my siblings is there, and we didn’t have any life or death situations, but that sort of love, it just sticks with you forever. In equal moments I’m Steve and I’m Dustin in there, being a middle child and all I’ve got both experiences, so I definitely had a few moments where I needed to step back and let my own feelings settle again.

What was the most difficult part of writing Fools in love (Is there any other kind of pain)?

This was actually my first fic written and published in over three years. So the hard part for me was actually just working up the courage to post it. I’ve been dealing a lot with depression and anxiety and burnout for years now and just the general dissatisfaction with my own writing, so the love I got after posting that was really just so special to me and I can’t fully express how much it means and how encouraging it was knowing people liked it.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

My favorite line is either this one from My wounds cry for the grave: “But right now, he just leans over, laughing with his favorite person ever, his heart soaring and matching hers, beat for beat.” Or this moment: “He drops right there, like a puppet with its strings cut, like a stone in water. Like Atlas being crushed by the weight of the world. Dustin is the only one close enough to make sure his head doesn’t hit the ground; he’ll be grateful for that later. In that moment though, surrounded by people who love him, sprawled on a cold tile floor, willing Eddie to be alive with his whole being, Steve Harrington’s heart stops once more.” Both of these were things I had rotating in my head for so long that I go back to those parts over and over just to feel them again.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

Oh I have so many things that are half done, but none that are near finished enough to try and hype them up yet. I literally have a running list of ideas I’m adding to here and there and I just follow the inspiration!

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

The only thing I can think to add is that I’m just absolutely so flattered and tickled about someone liking my work enough to nominate me for this! I’ve always tended to be more of a lurker in just about every fandom I’ve been in so this is such a surprise and it means the world that my writing touched someone enough for them to think of me. 

Thank you to our author, @anthotneystarkm and our nominator, @thefreakandthehair! See more of @anthotneystark's work featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer's Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

#steddie fic recs #writer's spotlight #steddieunderdogfics #antotneystark #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie

[swallowtailed]

palisade 25 !!!!!!!

you know, i don’t think it was until the very end, when the title theme came back in (and, god, i love that song), that i actually thought: they did it. phrygian won. the sun’s gonna rise on palisade tomorrow—and on every other planet in the galaxy. mechanically, narratively, the crew had all the cards and they played them damn well. a change is gonna come. it’s already here. they won.

i was initially thinking about reading this arc as a story about death and rebirth. that’s a big part of it, but the question the pcs actually face is: are they willing to confront the possibility of their own deaths to fight for the future they dream of? (figure before the cadent, phrygian and authority—hell, trying to take down the combustor in the first place.) and that wouldn’t necessarily be the crucial question, except for the fact that the empire has pushed them and itself to that point. the divine principality uses death and destruction to prevent radical change and possibility. but the blue channel (palisade, the cause, millennium break) envision the future and set out toward it, going hand in hand with their own deaths, their own lives. and they fucking win. it’s just a really good opposition.

and on the note of rebirth, figure’s new class and new look (and new ghost pal) are fantastic. really cool to see that choice framed as a stance on their relationship to power and care, and also obviously the perennial aesthetic whips. (i did think at first that their mech’s transformation was a “congrats on the new playbook” present. u know, black hole themed mech.)

also, literally ever since meeting perennial i’ve been thinking, uh, she doesn’t seem evil or chaotic or imperial, she seems really cool actually? and i am SO PLEASED to be right. she doesn’t turn the wheel, she knows the wheel turns and she wants to break it!!! (which is perfect for figure—third chances, breaking cycles.) also there’s something from an earlier faction ep that has stuck with me—perennial wants to go home, whatever/wherever that is, but she can never go home… the wheel turns in one direction, huh? anyway, i’m really, really excited to see more of perennial in the back half of palisade :):):)

and phrygian. i loved their ending, genuinely—even though the fact of their loss was so expected as to be barely discussed (which felt a little hollow), they still got that stunning victory at the very end. their ten-thousand-year plan: all forty-one hundred stellar combustors going out like so many candles. (permanently, on a narrative level, because phrygian won that. their legacy is safe.) and to see the final roll come together—this arc was also about the power of friendship, okay, and that particularly includes help rolls and crew rolls, and realizing in the essential moment that you literally cannot lose even though you’re gambling with stars and planets. it’s just… it’s such a good win.

also pleased to have an answer to my question of how they were gonna manage tension between the two plotlines: just be extremely silly on the sun plot! and stand at the precipice of the narrative as a team. truly i do admire this table’s approach to storytelling. 

and i am so, so excited—not just for the next faction turn and the next downtime—but for everything that comes next in palisade and the divine cycle as a whole. it’s gonna be good.

#fatt #palisade #palisade spoilers #friends at the table spoilers #fatt lb #hello world #i am actually not back from the woods yet but i have cell service and many thoughts #so hello :) #i listened to this episode over the past few nights in a bunkhouse on top of a mountain #under the glow of a bright green exit sign #just trying not to gasp or laugh out loud because everyone else was asleep #wild atmospheric experience. very appropriate tho

[docmbrainrotz]

x3 First post and it's gonna be

Docm77 and Scar chaos ofc

Wip of a project Im doing + idea for rp request

Doc drew in a deep breath, feeling his eye water as he did so.

Oh, god no. God no no no no.

Raising his hands to his head, all he could do was stand with his mouth open. His fingertips dug through his hair, digging into his skin.

His tomato garden blazed in a violent inferno, he didn't even know if there was anything to salvage- He was a scientist- He could break reality but he couldn't fix this. "What did you DO?" He whipped his hand around, grabbing that fucking matador-mattress-elf?? hot guy by their shoulders.

*Scar stumbled over his words, but all Doc could do was shake them. Standing over the man, it took everything to keep Doc from snapping.* "You used Flaming arrows? FLAMING ARROWS? You ruined my Garden! I've spent years on this!"

"I-I can fix it, I have a water bu-"

"WHAT is a Water Bucket going to do against this?"

Doc's words became exasperated as he stepped back, clutching his head. Pulling at his hair, he felt himself hyperventilating. At this point, he was choking from how sharps his breath had gotten. No no, those fucking pesky birds- That hot guy had ruined his deepest passion: Sure, he had tomatoes growing scattered around: On his flagpole, in the Hall of Goat, but this had many different breeds, cucumbers, onions, carrots. He didn't mind initially when Scar tried to surprise him with their arrows, but how could he be so fucking careless?? Without even realizing, in the dry heat of the edge of the perimeter, the firey arrow had nestled itself into the thick veins of his golden cherry tomatos.. A small flame quickly consumed the wilting leaves and wooden frames.

"I-I.. iM .. Im so sorry, Doc, I really.." He couldn't find the right words. Scar stood there, the wind that carried the violent blaze tearing through his clothes. Stepping away, he used his elytra to launch himself back into the air- "I'll be back! I'll fix this!"

*Doc crossed his arms over his chest, watching the fire that had overtaken his garden. The resolve in his heart surely blazed hotter than *this.* His nails dug into his arms as he let out a deep breath.

The hermits flew over his head. Pearl placed a shulker, handing out splash water potions, buckets of water...

...While he stood there, watching in anger, his friends *tried.*

Working around the outside, they made sure the plants were soaked so it wouldn't spread further. The splash water potions easily ate at the fire, yet someone.. doc felt more defeated. As the fire was extinguished, he saw the charred remains. Maybe he was content to let it keep going, not wanting to see the full extent of the damage.

His friends asked if he was fine, but their words were just buzzes in his ear.

It wasn't until it was all put out, his friends by his side, that he finally snapped out of his daze.. "I..-"

"Hey, it's okay. Let's get you inside." Gem spoke softly, seeing the sunset beginning to dip in the distance. He nodded quietly, leading his friends into the Hall of Goat.

"Doc. I'm really sorry." Scar said again, clearing his throat. He rested his hands on his lap, leaning forward in his wheelchair. He could float with his wings, but indoors he always needed his wheelchair still.

"I know you worked so hard on this garden, so I promise to help you rebuild every inch of it. I-I mean, Pearl wants to as well."

Doc looked at Scar. His anger faded away. This was still his friend, the one who made his favorite and most comforting place in hermitcraft: Scarland.

Still, the resentment built up like bile in his throat. He still wanted revenge for the hundreds of hours last. His tunnel bore, his tomatos, then what?

"I.. see.." Doc spoke, trying to calm his shaking voice. His accent was harsher than usual, "you'll.. rebuild it. Help terraform.. the burnt land."

#hermitcraft #docm77 #goodtimeswithscar #writing #i know this is cringe i don't care #i color code to help organixe my thoughts

[princess-of-the-corner]

So Idk how this is gonna sound but like. Re: Endeavor's arc in the TPP Plotline.

I think one thing I'm having fun with is just. As soon as he processes the entire "Toya is alive, but is now a villain, and this is my fault' thing.

He just. He just stops fucking caring about his old ambitions. It's just. Everything he did and everything he fucked up and everything he's lost to his goal just hits him like a goddamn truck.

And there's nothing to unpack about it! There's little for him to justify at this point because he's spent the last twenty-odd years justifying shit! But now he's slammed with it and cannot find it in himself to make excuses like he once did.

So it's the quickest heel-face turn to 'I'm not going to be an asshole'. There's still a struggle to be a /good/ father, as that's a hell of a learning curve and it's hard to reconcile with 3/4 of the kids being adults(and Shoto is almost one too), but he's very quick to pick up on cutting out the worst of his behavior and trying to step back from being a dick.

And I think one of the most.... interesting things to come from this is no longer caring about the old goals. Things just click and why the hell did 'being the #1 Hero' ever matter more to him than his own fucking wife and children? Like yeah this family only exists thanks to that initial goal but holy shit right? They matter more now like they fucking should have in the first place.

But this also has the wonderful side effect of him not giving a singular fuck about the #1 Hero Ranking. Like yes there's some bitter 'god I so do not deserve this thanks to everything I did to get it'(but given the situation he can't just step down because there is a Greater Good to think about).

Yet. Composed behavior is no longer tied to what could hit his ranking. Like fuck off he's gonna risk things to protect his kids now. Ranking be damned like it should have been.

(which is one of the things that does make the kids come around to the idea that he is changing. It's not just him being nicer. It's him putting them above the goals he once had.)

But also sometimes becomes funny because yes once he realizes gay people exist he's not going to care that his PR team is about to have a field day he's gonna make sure the kids got the support he should've given them in the first place.

Side note:

before anyone gets on my ass about how I'm handling giving him a reformation arc:

Remember what I said the other day about how all four of the siblings are a reflection of irl reactions to this situation? That goes triple when we're talking about writing fiction and wish fulfillment fantasies.

Some people want catharsis in tearing the man down. Other people find comfort in a man who can change for the better. Both are valid and I've played with both before. This time I am going with the latter.

#tpp au

[zydrateacademy]

Current Activities in Gaming #225

Had to do some digging for this one. For the past two months I’ve been pretty active on Guild Wars 2. I’ve been active in blogging on MMO’s before, mostly WoW but these days there’s not a lot to talk about without spending a short novel contextualizing everything I’m working towards. One of my general goals is to get one of those flying mounts, but they made the process to be known as one of the most pain in the ass processes. One of the very first things you have to do is collect 21 items around a map that was specifically designed with that very flying mount in mind. You can ‘borrow’ world-placed ones in specific areas but they’re typically high up so you have to traverse some bullshit to even find one at all. Got that out of the way, but it took a couple of hours. And there’s like 80 more steps to go. Jesus. I originally came back to GW2 to roleplay but haven’t found any communities. I found a single RP guild. The initial meet and greet turned out to have been a judging party with some officers in the unseen background talking shit about my style before saying publicly “We’ve seen enough. Zydrate, do you even care about anyone else?” My main character is a fairly stoic, John Wick-esque figure and generally my RPing style (across many characters) is not the type to regurgitate their entire life stories to people they just met. One character I met was almost too quick to talk about the source of their scars through some Asuran torture. My character emoted in such a way that conveyed that this person was an absolute buzzkill and didn’t really inquire further. Logically, my character doesn’t want to peel back a layer of PTSD and be the cause of someone’s mental breakdown in a market square. In reality, players are just itching to drop a short novel about what their characters are all about. I’m not one of those players. Anyway that one guy who said “Okay I’ve seen enough” is also roleplaying a literal Angel. In a universe where that doesn’t exist. I looked up “Angel” on the guild wars wiki and there’s two results: A named NPC in the first game and a named cat in the second. Angels aren’t really a thing, and the character was very quick to point out he has nothing to do with Dwayna (the universe’s stand-in “goody two shoes, health and love for everyone” type God). Out of character I was like “then what the fuck, then?” In character, my main is dealing with enough of her own shit she doesn’t really care to spend time identifying this humanoid “creature” that someone invented because they have a fourteen year old’s imagination they never grew out of. Listen. My roleplaying style is more akin to what Dungeons and Dragons offers. Everyone meets and an inn, but nobody ever drops their entire baggage when first meeting. No, let’s go run a dungeon, slay some Dragonkind and once my character figures out that the people she’s hanging out with won’t just cut and run then she’ll actually open up a bit about herself. And that is a two way street, when she figures out the people around her aren’t full of shit then she might inquire about who they really are. Or better yet, show her through actions. That’s just the kind of roleplayer I am and it’s now something I’m going to have to make clear to guilds in the future. At least on GW2. Moving on. My MMO batteries soon need recharging and I’ve made some recent purchases including Fable 3 and Sifu. I’ll get Sifu out of the way first. I played about 45 minutes of it, and the first level. I suck at it, even at the lowest difficulty. As usual parrying is a pain in the ass. Every game that has it is like “press this button right before they hit you” but I can never really tell what “counts” as before I am hit. I usually end up hitting the button when the enemy’s arm moves but no, way too early. So I just end up taking the hit anyway. So I try to concentrate towards a weapon swing, and I miss anyway and take a hit. Meanwhile Sifu does not fuck around with mook chivalry, many enemies can and will gang up on you if the pathing allows it. So while I’m trying to concentrate on one guy’s arm movements, there’s still like four bitches with bamboo sticks ready to shove up my ass. So, Fable 3. A 2010 game. A few years ago during my last job I actually tried to buy the CD for it, only to find out that Microsoft had basically shuttered the whole franchise from their store and I long since lost the window that it was on Steam for. I googled and googled and the result was trying to make a Microsoft/Xbox Pass account but that didn’t work either. The game just kind of refused to load, and if memory serves it wouldn’t even install. I had even bought a controller to plug into my PC to use for it, to no avail. So I was about 70 bucks down, but I do think I successfully refunded the CD itself for the ~35 or so it cost. But a couple nights ago the mood struck me once again. Not sure why, maybe it was the discovery that Fable 4 is actually being worked on. There’s almost no information on it, just some teaser with landscapes. Might see it next year, apparently. Anyway it got me to googling again and found out that Amazon just sells Steam keys directly. So I drop 20 bucks and plugged it into Steam, and there it is. Just like that, easy. You DO have to jump through some hoops to get it to run on modern machines but it’s mostly just a matter of downloading some special .dll files and dragging it into the game and boom, the game loads. I played it for several hours. I had forgotten how hilarious the money-making snowballing can be. Since I have the meta knowledge of what you need to do to get the ‘best’ ending (you need ~6 million gold), the minute I was able to do the Blacksmithing job I stopped my youtube recording and spent like an hour on that, gained 300k gold, and bought a couple of the most expensive buildings available at the time. I then put the game in windowed mode to watch youtube or play one of my idle games, generated up enough money to do the same thing with even more businesses. With very little story progression off my Youtube recording, she’s currently making around 120k every five minutes, and after two quests she’s sitting on over two million gold. Long before she becomes queen and is stuck with the “dilemma”. I think she’ll do just fine. Everyone hates her because rent is so high but the in-game morality has her squarely in the middle because I keep taking the “nice” options in quests, mixed with the occasional execution. Why spare a bandit leader who’s been terrorizing and murdering people for years? Warrior’s promise? Fuck off, dude, I don’t know half the atrocities you probably committed. But it’s a lot of fun. Fable 3 still gets a lot of shit for being the “worst” one but to me it’s the most memorable. The leveling mechanic is a downgrade and the fact that the menues are made to be a bunch of rooms you have to walk around in instead of just giving me a simple goddamn menu is a huge step backwards in UI design and user friendliness. That’s about it. I hate the “pause” menu more than the leveling mechanic but ultimately it just takes some getting used to and functions the same. As long as I can change my weapons midfight if I have too, then whatever. Just takes a pointless extra amount of time. So far it’s still the game I loved back in the day. In the future I have my eyes on: Thief Simulator 2, Darkest Dungeon 2, Diablo 4. DD2 is available now but waiting on another payday for it. Also giving the modding community some time to “cook”, as with DD1 I liked to get a few QoL mods that made my gaming life a little easier. Maybe modders will add new characters and classes like last time as well, those are usually fun to play with. Diablo 4′s leveling curve, if the beta is anything to go by, looks a bit slower paced that D3′s so it seems like a game that might demand more of my time on a day to day basis than some of the other things on this post. Might absorb me quite a bit, but I hope to give it a little more breathing room and not rush the endgame as hard. If there really is much of one at all, yet. And Thief Simulator 2 is just more Thief Simulator which I loved, but never really beat because the Rich neighborhood got too hard, but still loved it before that.

#Guild Wars #Guild Wars 2 #Roleplaying #Sifu #Fable 3 #Thief Simulator 2 #Diablo 4 #Darkest Dungeons 2

[palms-upturned]

cunoesse for the character ask game? or annette if someone else already requested c?

POR QUÉ NO LOS DOS? 🙏 THANK YOU ANON

Send me a character and I will tell you my:

Cunoesse

First impression: I’m pretty sure the first time I ever saw anything about Cunoesse it was when YouTube recommended me the clip of when you can shoot her 😭 I didn’t watch it bc I wanted to avoid spoilers but my first thought was like “Cunoesse? 🤨 as in Cuno?” So I googled her and saw she was a ten year old and was like ?!??.!.? WHY DOES SHE GET SHOT? Initially I thought maybe she had something to do with the murder and that shooting her must be some climactic moment bc it sounded so fucked up, only to find out that the scene is an optional one and just 100000% Harry being a pig 💀

Impression now: she is everything to me she is maybe my favorite character in the whole game like you don’t even understand!!! 😭 where did she come from? Why is she alone? Who did she kill? Why did she and Cuno split in the Cuno route? And where can she even go from there if Cuno leaves? She haunts me which I think is the point… she represents nearly everything that we would hope to change via revolution, the kind of person who we’re trying to build a place in this world for… she makes me cry if I think about her too long. Ough. The true girl child revolution of my heart

Favorite moment: her fight with Cuno over locust city broke my heart so bad because I’ve got little siblings too, ik she didn’t mean to hurt him, she’s just a ten year old kid who’s grouchy that Cuno has a hobby that she can’t join in/relate to, but she hits on all his sore spots by acting out over it and he hits hers back and then it ends w that total gutpunch of Cuno saying “Cuno can be whatever he wants. Cuno can even be a pig if he wants!” And Cunoesse saying “don’t be a pig, Cuno… you’d have to take me away…” LIKE!!!! GOD. FUCK. What a moment.

Idea for a story: I keep wanting to write something about C in Martinaise after Cuno leaves for Jamrock, trying to fill the space he left behind until she sort of starts blurring the lines between them and just pretending to be him bc she’d rather be anything but herself… 😔

Unpopular opinion: best character in the game. To me.

Favorite relationship: C and Cuno forever… 😭

Favorite headcanon: her real name is Kielo, which is the Finnish name for may bells/lily of the valley 😔

Annette

First impression: immediately loved her so much. I work at a bookstore myself so obviously I was drawn to her and Plaisance right off the bat and ended up spending all of day 1 on bringing Annette out of the cold and then exploring the doomed commercial area instead of investigating the murder LMAO

Impression now: I LOVE HER… she’s a good kid… she gave me a hat!!!!!! 😭 I love that even tho she’s very much trying to be a dutiful and well behaved daughter, you still see her act like a kid and get mischievous with Harry in a way that feels authentic. She’s just so fun and endearing

Favorite moment: all of her interactions are great but I was most taken aback by when she talks to you about Harry during his bender. It’s a sad moment but there’s something sort of touching about that combination of being blunt but also nonjudgmental bc she’s so young. She’s just genuinely glad to see you seem to be doing better ;_;

Idea for a story: I keep thinking it would be fun to write something about Martinaise as seen through Annette’s eyes. All the people who come through the bookstore… maybe focused on Billie in the aftermath of her husband’s death 😔 I also have thought about writing something with post-game Harry getting a job at the bookstore so that Annette doesn’t have to help out as much, tho that’s mostly just bc it would let me write about working at a bookstore lmao

Unpopular opinion: idk what opinions on Annette even do ppl have aside from “I love her” 😭

Favorite relationship: Annette calling Billie her Auntie makes me wonder about them a lot… I also wonder if Cuno ever comes to the bookstore since he seems to be a Man from Hjelmdall fan 🤔 I’d love to see her hanging out with him and C lmao. But it’s sad that we don’t really get to see whether she has friends in Martinaise or if she’s too busy working and studying 😔

Favorite headcanon: Annette wants to write her own books someday and likes to regale Auntie Billie and also Harry with the stories she writes :]

#asks #anon #cannot thank you enough for asking about these two #i love them so deeply

[purposelynana]

What Did I Watch: #22

Nothing.

Kidding.

I watched too many western series. Thanks to Skam and all of its remakes. I decided to just not caring about kdramas, cdramas and thai dramas. New challenge and new territory, that's all I need. But obviously we can't just go away from the things that shaped us. Below I've listed all the series that I watched on the past weeks.

Skam France

wtFock

I kinda wish to watch all of the Skam's remakes that is out there but it was hard. Like I struggled a lot with using google drive and so on just to download the episode. I had to save it in my cloud drive for re-watch purpose. But still, it was too damn inconvenient for someone that used to this kind of stuff back when I was a little bit younger. Right now, I just hope the show that I want to watch available in any streaming services.

Yet, there's a reward for every effort that we put. Those shows are freaking good. I could biased because I love the original one. But nope. I legit thinking Skam France shot in film camera because it was flawless. And the acting in wtFock made me in awe. These kids were first-timers and still they even better than any teenager actors that I came across before this. Gosh. What a joy just to find a show which trigger you in a good way and taught me in life better than a freaking preacher.

God, I miss Axel.

Eyewitness

I was bored okay. And tumblr gives me this weird algorithm and then I found this little gem. The perfect epitome of 'be gay, do crime'. I feel inclined to have the show more into noir-ish vibe but then, it didn't go there. I want to like it so bad but the camera language was terrible at times. When I look at on who's the director, well it's the least surprising name out there. Ha.

9-1-1: Lone Star

Because it was on a freaking trending topic for days.

Abbott Elementary

Actually this is the first time I finished a whole season of sitcom. And thank god, it was funny enough for me to continue.

Meng Hua Lu

On hold indefinitely. Its feminism point of view felt too unrealistic. Plus, they weren't willingly to go there for the sake of censorship. Fortunately the romance, for the first time, was actually make sense and look at that shot. Beautiful. Stunning. Gorgeous.

The Summer I Turned Pretty

Team Connie all the way. We all should just make older siblings union. He deserves all the hugs in the world. I relate to him, me, a 27 years old spinster, relate to a freaking teenage angsty boy. He had a lot of baggage and I couldn't imagine when Susannah really really [redacted] how bad he can be.

Obi-Wan Kenobi

WHAT A FINALE.

Thank God I could live long enough to see this. To see Deborah Chow performed magic on my screen. To look at Hayden Christensen back as Vader, my fucking role model. Yes you read it right. Darth Vader is someone I'm aspire to be. And Ewan McGregor, hands down this is Emmy-nominated performance yall. Come on. COME. ON.

Maybe it was nostalgia or whatever. It was clearly a nostalgia that brought us to our screen, to increase our expectations, and to connect with a certain joy which probably last appeared more than decades ago. It was nostalgia and legacy, whichever it is, evidently set me up into this journey that led to Star Wars. A great reminder I was build like this because of Star Wars. The interest which initiated early by my father. The very first movie that I watched before I knew anything else is A New Hope and that memories engraved deeply in my heart. So, by watching Obi-Wan and absorbed any kind of life values contained in it, felt like a full circle to me. Everything is finally coming back to its own place.

And let's remind people, you can't create someone more tragic than the life of Anakin Skywalker. No one could ever come close to him.

#skam france #wtfock #eyewitness #obi-wan kenobi #meng hua lu #the summer i turned pretty #what did i watch

[nyanggk]

hey, i just read your jay fic and just had a few things i wanted to say about it. this isn’t meant to offend you but i hope you keep them in mind the next time you write a fic

first of all, i know you said in your author’s note that it wasn’t meant to be misogynistic but it really feels that way due to the lack of character development. initially it seemed as though y/n hated both the girls and guys, but at one point y/n described jay as a greek god and described yujin as an “ugly jealous slut.” the way the girls were described as (this is verbatim by the way) “objects that do nothing but lurk around the school grounds, waiting to be inserted with a schlong and become teenage mothers” felt very demonizing. i gave y/n the benefit of the doubt because i thought her way of thinking would change, but she never acknowledged her flawed way of thinking or internalized misogyny once.

i also found the bodyshaming to be extremely unnecessary. there’s one point where yujin calls y/n and liz fat and then liz retaliates by saying “she had more fat rolls than fat amy.” it’s one thing to call it out as bad behavior, but y/n was cheering liz on for retaliating in that way. and liz gets fatshamed a lot irl so i found this whole scene to be a little weird.

another thing that bothered me was the first almost sex scene between y/n and jay. jay was drunk and clearly not in the right state of mind while y/n was completely sober. since she had been pushing him away for a majority of the fic, the fact that she made a move on him while he was drunk made the scene very uncomfortable.

i’m saying this just so that you know for the future and i do hope you listen to these points.

heyoo, sorry I got to this so late. 1) it's bcs I think u sent the ask at like 5am for me or smth? or when i was abt to sleep and 2) I had to find the time to be in a place where I can write a response without getting interrupted or distracted as well as be in the right state of mind to receive criticism and retaliate with my own defence in order to not please all of you by just saying that I'm sorry and I'll change.

yeah this isn't meant to be misogynistic bcs misogyny means to discriminate only towards women (search it up) yn hates both genders and I don't know if I made it clear in the character description but the only person she likes is Liz (now Jay as well), bcs they're the ones that yn don't have a grudge against. she has a grudge against the rugby players bcs they messed with her last year with the games. oh and also the thing abt the school funds, and the attention they receive while nothing went to her artclub. and she hates girls bcs most of the people/girls she has encountered basically threw themselves at the boys without a single thought and she hates them for being stupid.

yn isn't some sort of perfect, compassionate character. she treats people how she sees fit. if you call her fat, she'll call u the same. if u call her ugly, she'll retaliate. if you punch her, she punches back. if you piss her off, she'll beat you up. she isn't this sweet and thoughtful character you want her to be or one who's morally right in the head.

also, abt the liz being fat thingy, idrk anything abt that nor do i care abt it. I think liz is hot. she's literally the only kpop girl I like she's my bias and I'd gladly actually turn gay for her, I like her that much. I don't see liz as fat and if u do, that's your problem, not mine. the comments abt the girls being practical whores are just yn generalising them bcs like I said, yn is not a perfect character. she's vengeful. and ig it's my mistake for not putting dark humour in the warnings, I'll admit that.

this story isn't some fairytale romance where everything's right and just. you should've known that the moment it was stated that they literally fuck girls for fun and then leave them when they get what they want and how jake is so disloyal towards his s/o. though I don't condone all the wrong things that's done here (the fuck games, the cheating, the almost drunk sex, the violence, the discrimination), as an adult myself, I know how to differentiate right from wrong. everyone that read this is this is adult— unless you're like that bitch suna who lied abt her age. if you're able to read a 28k long ass smut, you should know what's fiction and whats not bcs as an adult, you should be wiser. that's why you're allowed to have sex, drink, amongst a lot of other things.

I have a fic where they literally do human trafficking but no one said a thing bcs sunghoon came out all right in the end. if sunghoon was beaten by the reader, then would u bat an eye? no, bcs sunghoon came out all right (thankfully).

I have a boyfriend and we've been together for 3 years. despite the distance, despite the hardships in life, were both together. and you know why? bcs we both know how to treat eachother right. none of this drunk maybe unconsensual sex happens, there's no cheating. that's bcs I'm an adult who lives in the real world and knows how to differentiate fantasy from the actual (we both are). I'm mentioning him bcs in this fic, they're lovers. and I just want to prove that I'm not a person who thinks like this (like the characters) and can actually make decisions thatre right and that I know what to do and not to do.

sorry for the little rant. I'm not even sure if I'll regret this later bcs of the way I worded things. I'm a blunt and vengeful person. if u came to me with a review that's basically only filled with constructive criticism and stated nothing positive, obv I'll turn sour. also doesn't help how its 2pm (I usually wake up at 6pm so this is early for me lol).

i did willingly listen to all your points. I could've ignored this and deleted it and yet, I didn't. but I also hope u listen mine. yes, I know these are all immoral or not something a person with a sane mind would do, but you have to admit that life isn't always right. you can be a good person and end up doing something opposite irl bcs of the moment or bcs u didn't think, and that's fine. that doesn't necessarily mean that everything will come out for the worse. and to me, they(the fuck boys and the whores) deserve to be judged like that either way bcs like I said, I (and yn) am not a nice person.

buuuut, either way, I'll take these in mind.

#— mirais spies✨💋 #mirais asks⚜ #nyanggk—feedback ! #picture perfect 📷

[dreamlover31]

Wow just finished watching the latest episode of Mayans MC and all I can say is WTF!!!!

First off, the opening scene with Miguel driving a long desert road and then coming upon an abandoned car... totally knew it was a fucking ambush from the get I mean I was screaming get back in the car!!! Ultimately the pick up they saw earlier crashes into them and I think it's safe to say El Banquero has got his clutches on Miguel

Second the UC Davis shootout, also knew the plan was going to go to hell, seriously you go in their guns blazing with floors of people and security cameras all around thankfully they were smart enough to cover their faces but then just when everything that could go wrong went wrong, we find out that EZ's ex Gabby is a fucking nurse at the same hospital and she witnesses Angel shoot the security guard and so naturally they had to take her as a god-damned hostage

So on top of multiple murders and maybe attempted murder, you have kidnapping and carjacking of course I mean again I knew the plan would be shot to shit so after that went down EZ, Angel and Gabby find a secluded spot to gather their thoughts so to speak, Angel tells EZ to convince Gabby not to say anything but of course that was never going to happen and once EZ realized that what does he do...he fucking kills Gabby even as she tries to convince both of them that he's a good person and that his mother would want him to do the right thing and that's what makes this situation even more fucked up I was crying so hard

And it just made me seething with rage against EZ and when Felipe finds out let's just say that the scene where he points the gun at EZ makes more sense but I still wouldn't want Felipe to kill EZ

Of course this fucks up Angel even more than he already is and on top of that Stephanie leaves him but not before telling him that their baby has passed away so he ends up drowning his sorrows in alcohol and tries to hook up with Letty again and ends up getting the shit kicked out of him by Gilly and rightfully so

Oh and as if he hasn't been through enough we end the episode with our favorite rebel queen Adelita showing up at Angel's place and just as he was about to ream into her he hears the sound of his first born son crying in the nursery that Stephanie had built initially for their child so all in all this episode did not disappoint at all

But are Angel and Adelita going to live happily ever after... doubtful given everything that's happened between both of them

Also that scene between Felipe and Angel where he asks him what did he do to curse their family, first their mother then EZ going to jail then Adelita, Stephanie I mean the list is endless but the thought that went through my mind was well if I have to guess maybe it might have something to do with him sleeping with Dita Galindo lol

Until next time my fellow Mayans enthusiasts such as @itsjustmyfantasyroom @glimmerglittergirl @alwaysachorusgirl I hope you guys are well and feel free to drop a line anytime

#mayans season 4 #i need to catch my breath after watching this episode #so much action packed drama #still fucked up they killed Gabby

[sick1ada]

I just got back from New York earlier today and have a few things to talk about following up of previous things I’ve discussed so I’m just gonna chat for a little before I go to bed! NEW YORK WAS VERY FUN!! I had a great time obviously, like usual. There’s something just so festive about just getting to eat dinner with and talk to adults in fancy restaurants, that was one thing I liked. Also visiting college was cray-cray, I visited Wesleyan which was like the main thing I was excited about for this trip/the reason I planned and organized. It was like a last hurrah in terms of me humoring the idea of attending, at the end of the day, KU is the most reasonable option for me and has what I need. Would’ve been fun to go somewhere artsy where I would end up in New York tho …. yknow who knows where I’ll end up some day, it’s not like I’ll be tied to Lawrence or anything. To be totally honest, even tho I was excited about it cause of videos like mgmt performing this must be the place at Wesleyan, and cause of all the interviews I’ve read where they talked about the school, I don’t feel let down that I won’t be going there. It just felt too small, and wasn’t kicking with the kinda energy I thought it might be in my head yknow? Which is a good thing, so I’m not tempted to go there, but the place just is quite estranged. I’m sure there is cool stuff going on there, but it’s not a tourist attraction per say. We also walked around Yale and HOLYYY damn I didn’t even know places could like that, the fall leaves were beautiful and the buildings were amazing, such a great Harry Potter academic fall vibe going on. Also I’ve been thinking about Diego a lot lately. I mean since September, august even, but October he’s just been on my mind so much. We’ve gone on a couple dates but we aren’t formally dating or anything, even tho the other day this guy asked Diego “you with your girl?” and he said “maybeee” and we giggled :))))) I WANNA BE HIS GIRL OR SOMETHINF!!!!! Sorry for being cringey and stuff I just like him a lot. We haven’t even kissed or anything even though I’ve liked layed against him and he’s had his arm like around me. Ahhh there’s just like that tension and anticipation that’s so fun but also stressful. I thought he was just nervous cause I was kinda the one initiating stuff, but today my sister let me know apparently he hasn’t so much cause he knows it’s my first relationship and he doesn’t want to scare me off, which is sweet. Soooo I’m just waiting, and it’s easy to be doubtful cause I’ve been very non-concrete when talking about our relationship or whatever, but I do think that one of these days he’s gonna be my first kiss and all that and I just like him a lot and it’s a weird feeling. I never have crushes very often or anything, like I wouldn’t even say I had a definite crush since like 7th grade or something??????? Which is fucking insane, and yeah there have been people I’ve been like “interested in” but not like real adoration like a crush or anything, so to be liking Diego so much and have him like me to just has been kinda surreal. It has me in like awe yknow, the feeling of butterflies but along with the knowledge that he feels the same. It’s so corny ik especially for being a senior in high school and stuff, but I’m just excited and whatever. God. He bought me tea cause I told him I had been sick and he brought me back a pocket knife from California with my name on it :). And I’ve been carving beads for a bracelet for his birthday since like September technically if I’m being honest. I work with him tomorrow and I hope we can do something after work!! The future is beautiful yknow?? Lovely things are to come?? And I like him so much?

So I’m excited because I think at some point I will know, things will be concrete, we’ll be dating🤞 and all, but right now everything is tentative like this little kiddish mystery crush thing. it’s fun to not know, to be scared to reach out to him. Whatever right now is or means, I like it and it’s sweet and I want to appreciate it :)

He played this song on the way to the dance when we were driving out of downtown kc and the lights were so pretty and I felt so excited and tingly just to be sitting next to him, which has been an enduring feeling lol

#Spotify