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veveebs69 · 1 year

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The Feeling of Hiraeth

hiraeth ˈhɪərʌɪθ (n). a homesickness for a home to which you cannot return, a home which maybe never was; the nostalgia, the yearning, the grief for the lost of your past.

Summary: Feyre's life was finally going well. She had her children, family and happiness. But due to someone's greed and power she lost everything and was slammed back to a time were she was vulnerable, and very much human. Feyre has to do it all again to get back to the future she holds so dear but what happens when she is tempted to try to do things differently? Is that going to change the course of her entire life? Follow her as she's faced with the question that everyone wonders - "If i knew it all then would I do it again?".

A/N: SORRY FOR DIPPING FOR A MONTH. I really wanted to get something out before christmas and new years so enjoy!!!! next chapter is defo gonna be more interesting and ive already started writing!

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As I walked away from Avon, I was tugged further into the crowd by a slender hand. Nesta was the owner of that hand.

“Don’t talk to those people, they’re dangerous.” Nesta snapped out, still dragging me along in her tight grip through the mob of townspeople. Elain walked closely beside her. Suddenly Nesta and Elain had arrived to halt. They were both looking at me expectantly when I looked up at their faces. Their gazes seemed to ask, "So how much money did you make?" which probably also insinuated the question, "How much money will you give us?"

I sighed and spoke quietly, “We should save this money, we don’t need to spend it on-”

I went to continue but was cut off by Elain’s high pitched whine.

“Please Feyre,” she drew out the syllables of each word, “we promise we will only spend it on what we truly need.”

A lie. They don’t really need the things that they were complaining about the night before. Nesta didn’t make any move to speak. After a long pause of silence between the three of us, I finally caved. I let out yet another breath of air as I held out a single silver coin.

“Split it between the two of you.” Their eyes both widened at the silver coin, they could buy quite a bit with the coin split between them.

I pushed the coin into Nesta's hand and said, "I'll see you both at home, please be safe," in a soft voice. My body started moving down the snow-covered walk back to our little cottage, I didn't wait for their reply.

To be quite honest with myself, I am tired. Of course I would be. Reliving the past would drain anyone's energy. The fact is Tamlin will be tearing down our door tonight, practically changing my life forever. Even though giving my sisters far too much money to spend on themselves and forming a better bond with Avon was different from what had previously occurred, I decided that I wouldn't dwell on that. Because in the end my father gets his wealth back anyway and-

Wait. What if something happens…and Tamlin decides not to save my family from our financial crisis? What if Tamlin just kills me on the spot when he arrives?

Gods above, I have a headache.

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It was the middle of dinner when it happened.

My family and I were all huddled around the warm fire eating the same dinner that we had had the other night, when suddenly the door flew open with a loud, shattering bang. Bliss white snow and shivering wind flooded the house, whispering away our small fire. As a result, in seconds the bleeding night followed behind the frost. The house was now cloaked in a dim darkness, yet Tamlin’s beastly form was still able to cast a tall shadow over us. His fangs glistened in the moonlight and his fur shimmered so bright it looked white.

The screams of my sister and father were echoing through the house and into the surrounding forest. Tamlin was standing in front of the tiny doorway of the house, roaring so loud it shook the house, sending chills up and down my body. I was already fucking freezing. I almost wanted to scoff and laugh on my ass, just realising how much of this had all been for show. I knew what lay beneath that facade he had built up for himself over the last 50 years.

Within moments of Tamlin, quite literally, throwing open the door, I had already risen up from the table. Dashing for the kitchen knife, then retaking my place in front of my sisters. Nesta was holding Elain’s shaking frame as they both continued to cry with fear, our father hovering next to them. Tamlin’s eyes glowed bright green as he kept his vision fixed on us.

“MURDERS”, Tamlin growled.

I took my first step forward.

“Please,” my father stuttered from behind me, “Whatever we have done, we did so unknowingly, and-”

“We didn’t kill anyone,” Nesta added, choking on her sobs, arm shielded close to her chest.

I stepped forward again.

“Get out…” my voice was cold and sharp. When Tamlin made no move to leave I shouted at him.

“GET OUT. BEGONE. LEAVE HERE.” Waving the knife around for good effect. I mean it takes two to tango so I might as well make my performance exceptional.

However, faster than I could even blink, Tamlin reached forward and snapped his teeth just inches from my face. Admittedly it did surprise me, and it earned some louder screams from my family huddled behind me. I stumbled back as he prowled closer.

“Who killed him?” Tamlin’s emerald eye’s bore into my very soul.

“Killed who?” I challenged.

Tamlin dared to step closer and snarled, “The wolf. With the large grey coat”

“If the killing was accidental,” I said carefully, “what payment could we offer in exchange?”

Tamlin let out a bark that could have been a bitter laugh. He paced in a small circle before the shattered door. “The payment you must offer is the one demanded by the Treaty between our realms.”

I stared into those gold freckled eyes. “Well I did it, I killed him .”

I emphasised the word him.

He blinked and glanced at my sisters, then back at me, “Surely you lie to save them.”

“We didn’t kill anything!” Elain wept. “Please … please.” Nesta hushed her sharply through her own sobbing, pushing Elain farther behind her. My upper lip twitched at the sight. A tad jealous I will admit.

Suddenly my father climbed to his feet, grunting at the pain in his leg as he bobbled, but before he could go further, I repeated: “I killed him.”

Tamlin, who had been sniffing around the house, began to study my appearance. I squared my shoulders. “I sold his hide at the market today. I knew he was a faerie.” I stated a matter of factly.

“Feyre” my father softly grunted. I stepped forward again.

“What is the payment the Treaty requires?”

Tamlin’s eyes didn’t leave my face as he said, “A life for a life. Any unprovoked attacks on faerie-kind by humans are to be paid only by a human life in exchange.”

My sisters quieted their weeping. Frozen.

“Do it outside,” I whispered, any hint of security I had I pushed away from revealing itself in my voice. “Not … here.”

Tamlin huffed another vicious laugh. “Willing to accept your fate so easily?” When I just stared at him, he said, “For having the nerve to request where I slaughter you, I’ll let you in on a secret, human: Prythian must claim your life in some way, for the life you took from it. So as a representative of the immortal realm, I can either gut you like swine, or … you can cross the wall and live out the remainder of your days in Prythian.”

Fucking finally. Took him long enough.

I loosened my grip on the hilt of my remaining knife and stared into those green eyes for a long, silent while before I said, “When do we go?”

As I waited for his response, he pulled out the ash arrow hidden behind the door. Tamlin sniffed, and snarled at it. With two movements, he snapped it in half and chucked it behind him.

“Now.”

Elain lifted her head to gape at me in mute horror. As Tamlin stalked out of the house. I turned to my father. His eyes glistened, with tears. I kept my gaze on him as I went to restart their fire.

“Listen to me because I won’t be able to repeat this. The venison should hold you for two weeks. Start on the fresh meat, then work your way through to the jerky, you know how to make it.”

Finally the flint caused a spark and the fire was alight again. As I got up I heard my father mutter, “Feyre”, but I continued on as I reached for my cloak.

“I left the remaining money from the pelts on the dresser,” I said, blinking away the silent tears forming. Why was I even crying? I’ve had to say goodbye before? Somehow this was ten times harder.

“The money will last you for a time, if you’re careful. When spring comes, hunt in the grove just south of the big bend in Silverspring Creek, the rabbits make their warrens there. Ask Isaac Hale to show you how to make snares. At…some point I taught him how to make them.”

My father nodded, pulling me closer to him.

He whispered softly in my ear, “You were always too good for here, Feyre. Too good for us, too good for everyone. If you ever escape, ever convince them that you’ve paid the debt, don’t return. Don’t ever come back,” my father said, releasing me.

“Feyre.” He stumbled over my name, his throat bobbing. “You would thrive somewhere new, somewhere different. Someplace you could make a name for yourself.”

Tamlin growled his warning out from the night, so I moved away from my trembling fathers arms. Before I left I looked at my sisters, crouched by the reborn fire. Elain mouthed my name but kept cowering, keeping her head down. So I turned to Nesta. I sucked in breath, my voice coming out croaking because of the sudden lump in my throat. I was taking a big risk with these next words.

“You know the merchant I sold the pelts to?”

Nesta nodded.

“Okay, well. Tell her that something has happened to me. I need you to tell her that you are invoking my favour.”

Nesta nodded again. I grabbed hold of my sister. We were weeping together.

“Nesta I need you to ask her to teach you and Elain how to fight. Learn how to defend yourselves, wield a sword, daggers.” I chuckled out yet the situation was hardly funny.

“I know you might not want to but please think of the future and do it.”

I went to stand but I was tugged back down.

“Feyre….” Nesta’s voice had never been so soft. I couldn’t bear it. I forced myself up and towards the door. And with that, I was gone.

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We spent a large chunk of the trip in silence. I was once again led to a white mare and I was once again shivering in the night as we made our ways northwood towards the wall. I debated on how long was too long for me to leave us in this peaceful silence because to be quite honest the sky looked gorgeous and the forest was beautiful as well and this was my first moment of pure silence since I…was brought back here. At some point I think I fell asleep admiring the swirly sky and the crisp, glistening trees.

And I awoke in a field. In Velaris. On the hill of my father’s grave.

I’m dreaming. This is a dream. A…dream

No a memory. Definitely.

It was like I was astroprojecting.

Like I could see my own memory, as if I was someone else, I guess I was now.

I saw Rhysand and myself.

My… self?

I smiled, no she smiled.

At Rhysand.

She laughed.

A loud laugh.

A happy laugh.

She was surrounded by her three children.

I couldn’t tear myself away from them.This was the only place they existed. Here. In my mind.

The memory was simple. It was a picnic, a family picnic.

I, no, she was telling stories of her father and old life to her starry-eyed babies. Two of which really did have the eyes of the night. The two daughters of night, their eyes shone like their fathers.

I sat down at some point picking at the grass, listening to the little family talk together. Basking in the dream…the memory.

Suddenly… Rhysand stopped what he was doing. Stopped talking all together and he stared directly at me.

I looked back.

Everything else faded away. And it was just him and I.

In the swirly sky I fell asleep watching.

I felt lucid and unreal. The last thing I heard before falling back to the complete dark was Rhysand; his voice soft and hushed, as if he was scared that if he spoke loudly he would shatter the stars around us.

“Who are you?” he said.

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