#do people think friendships are boring unless people are fighting or failing to communicate?

[raginreptile]

Just to get out of my system #1

Do you ever feel like you want somebody to hear your thoughts? Like a terrible need to confess though you haven't really done anything wrong. I just have to write this and post it here, probably will delete it after (can you even delete Tumblr posts?), but just the sheer knowledge that half a person will see this text (you don’t need to read it) makes me feel better. Sort of, I want to socialise and avoid socialising at the same time. 

So, most important things first - you do not need to read it, acknowledge it or comment on it. These are just words that fill my chest up to the point where I can barely breathe and start just talk-talk-talk to myself, or to people around me. It’s like a weird Tourette’s, where I can’t stop, and I won’t be able to do anything until I finish it. Say it. Even if nobody would hear it. A closure. 

Once again - stop right here, unless you want to dive in into petty anxieties and pointless worries. And complaining, loads of complaining. 

I hate my job and a town I live in. As any young idiot, I have always kinda hated the places I lived at. Its not that I thought I deserved any better, its just I would listen to classmates or neighbours, see their houses, watch films, and realise that I am, pretty much, worse than them. I remember the times when I would compare myself to everyone and see that e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e is better than small and useless me. Better artists, better performers, better mathematicians, better at languages, at PE, at socialising, at getting to places. More beautiful than me. There has always been a place, like a Wonderland, basically “the Betterland” (cringe I know), where everyone was, and I was forgotten. Long story short, I moved multiple times, and ended up here. What is this place? An absolute disaster. I am very nature-oriented person, and there’s no forests or parks. There’s no rivers or sea either. No beautiful places. It’s just and industrial working town, surrounded by terrible grey fields. I haven’t got any DL yet, but I am on my way of getting it. I suffer here. An outgoing person years before, I get anxious before getting out of my room. I need freedom, and this town destroyed it. Only one year left, and I am going away. I do not care where, just somewhere with forest and sea. And the workplace... A lot of responsibility. A lot of important conversations and being “proper” towards people. I can’t be around people, I always behave like an idiot. But this job is my only chance. Christ, I am afraid of getting back after the lockdown, I will not cut it. 

Can’t make any friends, don’t know how to. Never in my life I knew anyone who would socialise with me because they like me or think I am funny. As a matter of fact, I am most definitely unfunny, boring and fail to establish a human-like (empathetic I guess?) relationship with people. Some would think it is weird, and, well, they will be absolutely right. I do not know if I need friends, but sometimes I think... it would have been nice, right? To socialise with someone (not romantically), talk about bullshit, and just be friends. Share weird situations, secrets, and generally fun stuff. Be fans of something together. I don’t know, maybe I have a strange understanding of how friendships work, but I’d like that kind of person. My partner has friends, and I am kinda jealous because I want to have them too. But I am always getting ghosted, ignored or just... well, “a classmate\colleague” and no more than that. People say I talk a lot, and generally am weird - maybe that’s the reason? People feel like I am a freak and an outcast and they don’t want to be around me? I don’t know. I don’t know how to become friends with people, I do not know what is the difference between a close friend and an acquaintance. I will tell them both same thing, and I will hide same things from them two. Never have I managed to get along with someone who would think “wow, RaginReptile is so amazing, let’s be friends!”, people mostly tell me that I am weird. And talk a lot. I am so scared to admit that I hit the point when communicating turned into the unnecessary activity, I prefer to be by myself and talk to myself, do things on my own. So scared. Don’t know which one I want more, have friends or be ascetic. 

Can’t do any more of studying. I said it. Finally. Five years is more than enough, I went from fascination for the subject to absolute hate. I can’t stand the assignments, can’t stand “another cool idea”, no more grades, no more pass criteria, all I want to do is write my own scripts and sell them, but how can I do so if all I manage to think about is deadlines-college-call-work-deadline-money? And those college assignments do not seem to make sense either, I just do not want to do them anymore, I wish to carry on with my own thing. But it would be stupid to quit - I got into student debt, moved from my home country for this education, and didn't even finish school there, just quit in 10 (out of 12) year to go straight to college and upgrade there from Level 2 to Level 5 (Level 6 if Bachelors degree, it is after this year). And, being so close to the end, I realise that I cannot do it anymore. I have so much respect for my tutor, but myself I am... tired. I think I completely destroyed my mental health because of juggling studies, work and family troubles, and moving. If two years ago I cared about my grades and my future, now I am just trying not to sleep 70 hours per day.

Suspecting ADHD and am afraid to go to the doctor’s. I am afraid that it will forbid me from driving (though I do not have any problems with it, lol, just anxious that I will be restricted from it), and I am afraid my family will think of me as of a weak and useless person who can’t take care about themselves. I have been taking care about myself as much as I could. I looked online for the “home” treatments for ADHD (I already checked the symptoms and as far as I am concerned it fits, but it would be a subject for some other post, really), and it worked up to a couple years ago, when college kicked me so hard I had my first public proper nervous breakdown and I have never got well again. Actually, there are much more problems now - for example I hate, hate-hate-hate making decisions, if before I could have forced myself, now I am willing to let everything go and just fail, I won’t feel neither good or bad about it. Sometimes I feel like I am alien to my own body. So many thoughts in this pumpkin-head, everyday I feel like a completely new and different person, and it just circulates in my mind, every day of every week. I think I need to get my head checked, haha, but I know I will not trust a doctor, I’ve seen enough of them and most of them are such an utter dog shite. Well, tomorrow will be another day, ain’t it?

Tired of fighting. “Forcing myself is the best tactics ever” was my working motto for most of my life. Force through reading, watching, walking, organising, planning, doing what I liked and didn't like. It worked up until the events I described earlier. I don't know how to get back on track with my life. How to get back and start again, be cool and happy and beautiful once again. Just wanna breathe some sea air and... Well, what else do I need?

#random #thoughts #diary #useless #text #confession #jtgooms

[holdtylersandersonaccountable]

Gaslighting in my ears, then in my thoughts

Tyler never harmed me physically or made me do anything that was not consensual. In fact, he didn’t do much to me at all. Tyler treated me like I was invisible a lot of the time. During the time in which we dated, he manipulated me in a lot of really subtle ways. He was immature, hurtful, and hardly supportive. He gaslighted me, lied to me, and made me do things on his terms constantly, but would be completely silent if I reached out to him.

  When I met Tyler, I was 18 or 19. It was 2016. I had just graduated from high school, and got a job at Costco in Thornton, where he was also employed. After seeing him around, I quickly developed a very naïve liking for him. He gave me his phone number one night, after a coworker told him that I had a crush on him, yet, we had never even had a conversation. We started texting pretty quickly after that, and I soon found out he was 27, nine years older than me.

  He opened up to me about being a recovering addict on our first date, told me that his mom left when he was a child, and that he had told his therapist about me. Because of this honesty straightaway I thought he was very mature, so I ignored the many red flags. We agreed that the age difference didn’t bother us.

  Things seemed normal at first, except that our dates always had to start at about 10pm and always be at his place in Aurora (I lived about 30 minutes away in Brighton with my mom). He would always offer for me to stay the night so I wouldn’t have to drive home so late. Nothing physical ever came of this except for some awkwardly rigid cuddles and a few kisses. He told me that he wasn’t a big fan of kissing. I thought he liked me more than that, so this was very confusing for me, and left me thinking that our relationship could always turn into so much more. I was a warm body for him to not feel so alone. It didn’t sit well with me that he treated me this way, but any time I got to thinking about it I would talk myself out of it, telling myself not to be crazy.

  He invited me once to one of his shows at the Hi Dive. I was still underage, so I couldn’t exit the venue, unless permanently. He ignored me virtually the entire evening. He introduced me to some friends, but I was mostly on my own and couldn’t find him. When I decided to leave, after being ignored, he insisted to walk me to my car. He thanked me for coming and said we should see each other again, and then kissed me with his burnt alcohol flavored lips. I drove home feeling sick to my stomach and feeling like a crazy person for being upset about being ignored, and angry at myself for not being interesting enough for his attention.

  After not receiving affection from him for a long time, I confessed that I was interested in a physical relationship with him verbally, and though he constantly told me that he wanted things to evolve naturally between us, his reaction left me feeling unattractive and boring. Eventually this turned into more gaslighting, standing me up several times, and then ghosting me. It left me feeling like I had always done something wrong to warrant his distaste and bitter demeanor. I felt like I was too dumb, too immature, and too ugly.

  I didn’t speak to him until we worked in the same department. I worked with him in the tire department at Costco, after having cross trained in the shop. This was of course with the exception of his occasional drunk texts at 4am. My coworkers and I became a tight knit group of friends, and I kept him at a distance. At the time I felt like it was strengthening our friendship, without romance in question. We started reconnecting a bit more, but it felt healthier and less forced.

  I then moved to Fort Collins where we stayed in touch. About a year and a half passed since I met himi. He reached out to let me know he was playing a show in Foco and asked if he could crash on my couch. I told him he could but that I had a party to attend that evening after his show. At the time I thought he was still dating a friend of a friend. I went to his show, then to the party and drank a lot. When I got home, he was waiting for me, also drunk. We stayed up a while listening to music, and he told me that when we met, he wasn’t ready for anything serious, but he had always felt “warm” at the thought of me. Apparently, this was enough to sway me to his affection again. THEN he pulled out some cocaine and asked me if I wanted to do a drug. I told him I wasn’t interested and left to brush my teeth. When I came back, he told me he decided not to because of my very confident “no”. I made up a bed for us on the floor because I wanted to stay next to him, and he spooned me. He kissed my cheek a few times, but I felt sick. I refused to roll over and kiss him back, I didn’t want our first time to be while we were drunk. He put his hand on my stomach and mumbled, “Can you believe babies grow inside of there?”

The following morning, I went to the bathroom to puke up the alcohol from the night before, then stashed some more sleep on the couch. When I woke up, he was gone, without a word.

It made me feel small and meek again, much like the way I had felt when we had first started dating.

  Soon after this encounter, we were talking more, and a friend warned that she thought him and his girlfriend were still together. I told her confidently that he said they were over. I was trying to convince myself that I was allowed to have an adult, casual, physical relationship with him without forming any emotional attachment or getting hurt. But when he asked over text if I “give good head”, after only speaking to me intermittently, I felt gross and foolish. It confused the shit out of me, because we had never had sex, not to mention any sort of foreplay or making out or anything. It just goes to show how shallow and fucking lame he is. He didn’t care about how I felt, clearly at all. Any fantasies I had of him changing on my account evaporated. I could see now that he was a lost cause, an unwise pursuit for a relationship, and I should call it. So, I texted him that realization honestly, and he never replied. I didn’t get any closure, but I walked away with inner strength. That was mid-2018.

  Since Tyler, I’ve talked about him like the piece of shit he is and was to me, reclaiming my self-respect, elevating my self-worth.

  Recently I ran into him and we started talking again, (mostly because the hopefully naïve part of myself wanted to entertain the thought that he had grown since we’d last interacted). This was before I knew any of the disturbing truths of how he’s treated women. Tyler never physically harmed me, he never had sex with me. But he did manipulate me and hugely influenced how I felt/thought about myself. I never felt validated in my experience with him until I read what It’s Just Bugs posted about him. And even then, I had to re-read it over and over to let it sink in. Since then, I have ceased communication with him. I advised him to get help. I do believe that he can turn things around, sober up, start respecting and treating women like human beings. But he needs to fight for the rest of his life in order to do that.

  I remember reading about It’s Just Bugs in a magazine a couple years back, a small interview they did. It said that Tyler just “had sex with lots of girls,” and I remember wondering why they would print that, because it sounded really dehumanizing, talking about that like it was an award. I wondered if it was true at all, because of the cold way he treated me. All of his past experiences about women were vaguely referenced by close friends when I knew him, so I never knew why he had had so many failed relationships. It’s a wonder to me that the truth has taken this long to come out; actually, it pisses me off. I don’t believe that my story is what it is without other victim’s stories. I didn’t think it meant anything until I read what many other women had been through. I hope that my experience can shed light for women who have been put in a similar position with other predators like him. The gaslighting and pursuing didn’t seem like huge deals in the grand scheme of things- but the thing is, they changed my brain chemistry. I believed that I was crazy, that I wasn't interesting, that I was the problem, I was disgusting. He took advantage of my youth and my lack of experience. All I have to thank him for is deeply entrenched trust issues and the battle to believe that I am worthy of love. 

  For a long time I believed I was a piece of shit because, Tyler Sanderson, the true king of shit, didn’t think that I was interesting enough. Fuck all of that noise. I hope he seeks recovery and begins to surround himself with people who won’t lie to him, so he stops causing so much destruction in the lives of those who don’t deserve it.

#holdtylersandersonaccountable #submission

[tonystarktogo]

I've just read about Tony feeling unwanted and man, it breaks my heart! Could you write something about Tony having enough? Like, he feels that Team Cap thinks they don't need him, they don't appreciate him and they never did. So he leaves, he doesn't stop being an Iron Man, but leaves Avengers. Maybe he has his own team with Rhodey and Spidey and whoever else. Maybe he helps Defenders from time to time. Maybe he works alone. (1)

But the point is, even if Avengers think that they don’t need him, they really do. Because he did so much for them all this time. Like, when SHIELD fell, he and his company invested them, repaired their equipment and made new one, took care of PR and media. And they never even knew, or just never cared, until he left. Now they have no one to replace him and to be as efficient as he was. They’re just too close to failing apart.(2)

I can and I most certainly will! All those angst-filled headcanons from yesterday didn’t just make me want to curl up under a ton of blankets to hide from the world, they also, they also reminded me how freaking bitter I still am. So yeah, hope you don’t mind, anon, but I thought your ask would be the perfect way to kick off bitter Sunday!

Because we’re talking about Tony Stark, guys. We’re talking about the man who build a suit of armour in a freaking cave. Who got kidnapped by the bad guys and blew his own way right back out. Yes, he’s hurt. Yes, he’s fucking heartbroken. Yes, most days the weight of his own mistakes and failings almost crushes him. Yes, being confronted with the team he was never allowed to belong to he lost is rubbing salt into the slashing wounds that still haven’t healed, bleed sluggishly from time to time.

But.

There’s a line he’s drawn into the sand a long time ago, back when he first became Iron Man, and it matters. He does what is expected of him. Shakes the returning Avengers’ hands. Smiles for the cameras. Is quoted stressing that he supports the UN’s decisions, that with the new and revised Accords in place, there’s no room for old grudges and vendettas. And he means it. What he doesn’t say though, is that there’s no room for old friendships and favours either.

Truth is, Earth needs as many heroes as possible. It needs them in once place, with stable communication channels, capable of working and strategising and organising together. The exiled Avengers are a rare resource they can’t afford to waste. There is also the fact that being trust back into the limelight limits them in a way working from the shadows doesn’t, forces a vague but still present sense of accountability on them that Tony may or may not take a great amount of pleasure in.

But here’s another, much more fortunate truth: they don’t need to be a team to save the world. It’s a truth that’s been hanging over them from the beginning, back when Iron Man wasn’t a part of the Avengers because he didn’t have to be for the plot to work. In retrospect, Tony can appreciate Fury’s actions for the well-played moves they were.

So he does what he would have done years ago, if not for sentimentalities and a misplaced sense of loyalty holding him back: he cuts the wire.

With the new accords has come a committee and a new governmental agency in charge of handling the nationally and internationally operating enhanced strike teams. Tony uses this development to his advantage, separates his business from the agency entirely, because really, a billionaire shouldn’t own parts of an organisation designed to keep him in check.

Tony signs the new agreements and as Iron Man he is to be deployed whenever necessary, but he is no longer part of any team. And he makes a point of proving that time and again.

When members of his ex-team are involved in a fight he wasn’t, he refuses any comment on the actions, they are none of his business after all, and really, shouldn’t you ask the people who were actually there? He doesn’t get involved in group press conferences unless there are more than just the ex-Avengers present because presenting a united front as enhanced humans is one thing, presenting a united front with them is another thing altogether. 

He doesn’t build weapons, suits and other improvements for anyone but himself and the people he deems worthy of his gifts either–those designs have always been too dangerous to be allowed into the hands of a government agency, and none of his former team mates make the cut onto the trusted list anymore. 

He doesn’t interact with them anyways, unless it’s on the comms during a fight or via a representative or his official email account (his private contact information is no longer available to them). All his employees knows better than to give them access to anything non-public without a properly scheduled meeting, and even Pepper doesn’t disagree with him on this one. She’s the one that usually shows up on these meetings anyways, and she doesn’t give them an inch, because there’s a reason Tony hired her in the first place.

And it might have started out as simple avoidance and being petty but you know what? Tony’s doing pretty damn well on his own. He doesn’t need the team, he’s always known that, but proving it to himself ends up feeling surprisingly good. Empowering. Freeing even. 

Because even though it feels like that in the very beginning, Tony isn’t actually alone. He’s got Pepper, with whom he’s slowly working out the post-failed-relationship-awkwardness, and Rhodey, who’s recovery is a slow, painful process but still a process, and loyal, steady Happy. He also has Peter, who’s too eager and reminds Tony too much of himself, but who doesn’t leave or get bored by Tony’s enthusiastic rants. He’s got Harely with whom he face-times at least once a week to science and chatter.

He’s got people who care about him and enjoy spending time with him, and the more time passes, the more Tony realises how not-okay his relationships with his former team have really been, how not-okay he’s been. And he still misses them, from time to time, but it’s the fleeting yearning for a missed opportunity, not the heartbreaking free fall into a bottomless darkness it used to be.

The point is, Tony is in a good place. Without the team that never wanted him. 

(And on days he still feels a little down, watching that Youtube clip of a tiny, three-year old girl in an Iron Man t-shirt throwing her ice cream at Steve Roger’s face with devastating accuracy, the one that cuts off right as the older brother is shown laughing so hard tears are streaming down his face and assuring his indignant little sister that yes, he’ll get her a new ice cream, he’s very proud of her standing up against bullies, is surprisingly cathartic.)

#ReRe answers #headcanon #bitter Sunday #Tony Stark #Post CW #Post CACW #Not A Fix It #Aftermath #Consequences #No Reconciliation #Tony is in a good place #Not Team Cap friendly #Team Iron Man #Team Tony #Tony doesn't need Team Cap #And he doesn't want them either #Tony works through his issues #slowly #also tiny Iron Man fans are precious #Tony has supportive friends #no forgiveness #still so bitter hahaha

[mbtiroommates]

Personality Hacker – INTJ Survey

I wanted to share with Tumblr my survey answers. Possibly because maybe some of you can relate? But I’m mostly sharing this so I can look back on it later to see if some of these things still hold true. What are the top 3 challenges you face as an INTJ? 1) Motivating myself to complete mundane tasks or chores can be encumbering at times (I often listen to a podcast, audible book, or music to keep my brain entertained in the process). Going grocery shopping, or shopping – period – is something I hate to do. I’ll usually run out of what I need and put it off for as long as I can. Especially if it’s a weekend and I never have to leave the comfort of my home. 2) I do not notice a lot of my surroundings. This has gotten me into three car wrecks, which is really dangerous (only one was super worrisome). I feel as if I’ve been getting better about it, but sometimes my brain checks out of the mundane task of driving, and I really need my brain to focus (specifically on the people around me and their actions). But sometimes it’s really hard to get my brain to listen, especially in traffic. That tunnel vision also helps me purchase the wrong items when shopping. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve accidently grabbed a food item that either said fat free or sugar free – when I didn’t intend to – and bought it, only to get home and notice when either I’m making a food or eating it and it tastes off. 3) Friend management is something I tend to struggle with. I can stay friends with someone for years and think we are good without having spoken to them but maybe twice in that time period… over text. But friendship requires effort on my part (though it's also a two way street) and sometimes I wish I didn’t have as many friends as I do – as if I could cut some of them from my life and they just walked away from it without pain. But I can’t, because it’ll hurt them; they are my friends, and I care about how I influence their mood when I’m around them. Weird. What 3 things do you wish others knew about you as an INTJ? 1) A lot of people who get into mbti online think that INTJs are these intellectual powerhouses. We can be at times, but that doesn’t mean we necessarily sound that way. Because of my reserved nature as a child, I hardly spoke – and when I did, it was softly. My voice is no longer that reserved or soft, especially when I have something to say, but I have verbal communication trouble at times. That means I know exactly what I want to say, but then my mouth’s motor skills fuck it up and starts to replace vowels, stutter, or the word that I want just doesn’t come out right at all. I don’t stutter often, so that’s not a separate issue in itself. And it would be fine if this was just a once-in-a-while occurrence, but no. This happens at least once per conversation, depending on the length (the longer, the more mistakes). I have learned to laugh at myself which helps both me and those around me. However, I once was seriously asked if English was my second language by a friend of mine. It was both highly amusing, but also a little painful to realize how bad my verbal skills are at times (it’s my native tongue, after all). I see a lot of people on the internet discrediting YouTubers who do not sound like they are INTJ. But I know better. I’ve known of mbti since I was 16, now I’m 26. I’ve tested myself plenty of times and have even tried to prove to myself I was actually another type (because intjs are supposed to be so rare) using cognitive functions. So, I wish people would understand that any type can have a different set of skills than the rest of that type’s majority. 2) I have this weird phobia of talking on a phone with strangers. When the phone rings, I jump. If I have to call a place to set up an appointment, that task will usually take anywhere from a week to a month to complete (unless it’s a place I need to call with some frequency, and then it’s just a chore). I wish people would just text me or use the internet. 3) I’m completely fine without social media (specifically​ Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram – I use Snapchat and Tumblr and enjoy those, but would be just fine without them, as well), movies, and TV. When I was a kid, I had a TV in my room; I asked my mom to remove it. No kid does that, I now realize. But I want to do interestingly​ productive things with my free time, like: learn something new, read a book, write, paint, build something. I find a lot of TV to be boring, even the classics or popular shows most people watch and enjoy. So I really wish people would stop staring at me like I’m some kind of alien when I haven’t seen that movie, or know who that actor is. Just explain to me what you’re trying to convey – get to the point – because I’m not likely to watch it, or know them, just because you think I should. What 3 books/movies/courses/events have most impacted your life? 1) The Transall Saga by Gary Paulsen. I remember reading this in just a few school nights when I was maybe 8-10 years old. It was the first book I ever read that I literally couldn’t put down. It was also the first book that lit my intrigue for survival based storylines. I was amazed that this kid could survive all on his own, with no other human bodies to help him. When I was looking for this book title and author, I read the synopsis and realized that I remember​ some of the details the author described the world as, but there are other people and creatures in this book that I have no recollection of. Perhaps it’s time for a reread. 2) Dean Koontz. He is my favorite author. Period. I’ve read many of his books and he never fails to draw me into his world and forget my own. This is especially helpful in times when I feel depressed, lifeless, or basically have nothing better to do. It sparks my imagination and ignites my passion for life again. Pretty odd when his genre mostly consists of suspense/murder mystery. P.S. my favorite is Life Expectancy. 3) When I was in seventh grade, my mom gave me my parent’s old computer. It was my first computer, and I thrived with it. In that year, I played games, started fiddling with the dial-up internet and actually taught myself how to code websites. It began my long proficiency with computers; but perhaps because I taught myself how to code, I lost interest with web development pretty fast… What do you wish you could have told your 15 year-old self? “Don’t let anyone tell you you’ll miss childhood (that you mostly cannot remember, anyhow). The freedom and understanding that you gain from being an adult is something I would never trade to go back. "Don’t let them say you’ll change your mind about kids or certain things are ‘just a phase.’ "Come out to your mom a LOT sooner. She loves you, period. "Also, all those fights you get into with your mom because she’s not making any sense… It’s because she’s an unhealthy ESFP-t. The sooner you realize this, the easier it will be to understand where she’s coming from and why it seems like her mood turns on a dime from the tiniest of instigations.”

#mbti #roommates #intj #personality hacker #survey #intj thoughts #intj problems #the transall saga #gary paulsen #dean koontz #life expectancy #esfp #mother

[hereticaloracles]

Juno Retrograde: Escort

“All women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).” – Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Effective Dates: May 10th- August 27th 2017 (In Shadow til October 10th 2017)

 Helios- Show of hands, who all has had it with all of this relationship and love Astro, and is ready to pack up and run away to a monastery until Saturn moves into Aquarius? Yeah, I thought so. Okay so, with Venus Retrograde, Sappho Retrograde, Jupiter Retrograde in Libra, Eros in Gemini, and god knows what else I’m forgetting, the last thing on this earth we need is more love drama- BUT GUESS WHAT WE’RE IN FOR! That’s right boys and girls, saddle up because get to go a round with Juno: Queen of Heaven, ruler of personal power and relationships, specifically marriage and fidelity. She has been running through Capricorn, sign of commitment and dedication, but this retrograde will call of the structures you hold dear in your relationships into question.

Okay so on her best day, Juno is difficult- She’s goddamn Cersei Lannister, for chrissakes. With all the rest of it though? It’s enough to drive a guy to celibacy (not to mention drink)! Of course, the more likely expression will be the opposite- With this retrograde, we will seek the love in others that we deny to ourselves, wherever (and with whomever) we can find it. You will be more aware of the lack of love in your life, and its absence will feel almost palpable to you. This can cause us to make… mistakes. Desperation can make a girl do crazy things! At this point though- will anything less than crazy do?

This one will be harder for those of us already in relationships, but only because us pathetically single folks have already grown accustomed to wallowing in our misery. You partnered folks will see the cracks in your relationships in the form of fears, specifically of infidelity. These may be valid, but don’t act on them unless you have proof, especially not if you are of the “The best revenge is getting even” school, because THAT will blow up in your face. If you are the one being tempted to cheat, then ask yourself these questions:

What is it about this person that I can’t find in my current relationship? Can I get that with some changes, or by speaking up about my needs? Has my relationship just run its course? Honestly, just taking a moment to stop and ask these questions of yourself should be enough to tell you what you need, regardless of the answers.

For all the single ladies (ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!) and gentlemen out there, we get a different challenge- we get to wonder why in the world we are still single, ugly and unlovable. Obviously not all of these are true at all times (You’re all beautiful! Yes, especially YOU in particular. Call me sometime) BUT your mind and heart will not see it that way. You will be focused on what you don’t have; meanwhile you will see nothing but happy, paired couples everywhere doing cute things, and nothing will infuriate you more than that.

This retrograde will isolate you, leaving you feeling like you have no one to fall back on or talk to, and being alone in your relationships is a terrible thing to feel. With this isolation, you will have plenty of time to think: Thinking about your past, your failed relationships and how you failed them and yourself. At the end of the day, you have to face an unpleasant truth: Quite a bit of the unpleasantness that you deal with comes from your own fuck-ups in love. If you can face that head-on, then you can move forward and find the happiness that you seek. If not, then you will be waiting inside your ivory tower on a handsome prince to come rescue you until you do- and let me tell you it gets real boring in there, real quick.

 Artemis (Cards: 5 of Pentacles, 3 of Swords, 10 of Cups ) –  I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I create drama in my own relationship. I am so use to hostility, from a very young age, that living without it makes me feel naked and on edge. If I’m not constantly fighting, then I don’t feel like things are “normal,” and that in itself is incredibly troubling. The only way to deal with bad cycles like this is to turn on your heal and face it head on, and that is exactly what Juno in Rx is going to do – turn the fuck around and actually LOOK. Juno Retrograde forces us to review our ideas about what commitment means, why we have the power struggles that we do in our relationships, and about sacrifice and loyalty in partnership. Essentially, what does it mean to be good to your partner? There is an art to this, and one can never become an artist without attention to detail.

We don’t usually have full clarity on something until it is gone, and then after it’s gone we need to go through a time of anguish before realizing it took two to tango and that no relationship ending is the fault of just one individual. At some point, we need to be humbled, and that’s not a fun fucking process at all. No one wants to be made to feel like shit when the other person clearly treated them like shit as well, and no one wants to think they weren’t all they could be in a relationship. But fuck, we keep things hanging on when they should end, and we end some things abruptly because of our own fear and insecurities. Our timing is fucking horrible. We introduce old toxic behaviors because we have become habituated to them. And we don’t apologize. We don’t do the “shadow work” required. We don’t look at our own projections; we don’t humble ourselves, and isn’t that one of the tenants of love? To humble thyself  – to show thyself raw and true?

It’s hard to move on. Even when you are the one who is ready to make peace, the other may not be. We need to learn to keep that peace within ourselves so we can move on to our new partnerships and friendships with a clear heart and mind. If we introduce the toxicity of the past, the insecurities, fragility, and the old habits of our past partner that we carbon copy onto our new, then we kill the love before it has a chance to thrive. We then just mimic a relationship without really having a relationship. The key to the thing is right in it’s name – RELATE. One must communicate, mirror, and process. But I get it, it’s hard to do this if you are not with someone who is willing to give you loyalty. If you do not have commitment and loyalty, it is hard to dive into the well of your heart and purge your demons. That whole process is a bit terrifying for people, and thus commitment sounds like the worst word in the world. But the thing is, when you have safe structures around you – only then can you let the poison of the past out. How can you heal when you are afraid of abandonment? So Juno asks, why do you invite people into your life who cannot truly be there for you? Why do you commit to the people that you commit to? What are you trying to re-live?

Our cycles in relationships will be examined like crazy right now – especially after a rough Venus in Retrograde season is just about over. This is the perfect time to work past  your old relationship trauma, to make peace, to destroy the patterns so that they do not destroy what is precious to you right now, and to realize that your habituated behaviors come out even when you don’t think they do. If you expect your partner to deal with your purging, you must also help them deal with their’s. A commitment goes both ways, so question why you are not willing to go all out for them if they are for you (or vice versa if they are the one who isn’t reaching across the isle). Why are you spinning in one place, forever trapped in the habits of the past? What is it you really need to work through? What insecurity is really driving those fights that you and your partner continuously have? It’s time to nip it in the bud before it rots the whole plant.  It’s time for some honesty. It’s time to be humble and to be true. Because you love them… don’t you?

Juno Retrograde: Escort was originally published on Heretical Oracles

#asteroid astrology #Juno in Capricorn 2017 #Juno Retrograde #love astrology #relationship astrology #astrology #tarot #fuckstrology #bruja #brujeria

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

I Think I Might Die Alone 23, M Every relationship I’ve entered has fallen part. The first, I didn’t even know what a relationship was, I was a 6th or 7th grader who had no idea what Love was and was still trying understand why I snapped into an all consuming rage at the slightest provocation. That relationship ended as abruptly as it started, and I didn’t mind, because I never saw her, and I had no interest in trying to.

The second one was more of the same, she saw me once, thought I was cute, and I was down, but I never saw her and she quickly abandoned that notion of “us”.

The third time I ever tried being with someone, we lasted for two weeks, then her chick friends beat me and kicked me, and she broke up with me because I wouldn’t hit another person (little did they know I had always struggled with anger management, and I knew that letting myself slip would result in being permanently removed from that school).

The fourth wasn’t even a full blown relationship. I fell very hard and very fast for a girl that I felt linked to, and she had no interest in me, instead using me to scope out guys and read them (I’ve always been good with vibes and reading people).

A lot of my friendships continued in this manner (to the point where I just feel used in all my relationships, platonic or romantic, and I don’t feel anything for anyone) up until the last few years.

I tried having a relationship with the mother of my kids, but she cheated on me, physically and emotionally abused me, and refuses to see what she truly did wrong, or to take responsibility for the messes she has made.

I can’t even have normal relationships with people any more, because I don’t know what they want from me, what they need in general, etc. all I want to do is help people, and to be loved in as lighthearted and deep a manner as possible. I just want to be stimulated, entertained, and to be busy. I don’t mind if people are boring, so long as they don’t just let me get bored and ignore me and only communicate when they want something from me. I miss when people would hit me up and invite me to things, or send me a message to see how I’m doing because I’m always asking how others are and rarely volunteer information about myself.

Mostly, I miss having a group of friends I could rely on to have my best interest at heart, like a family, but outside of blood relation. I miss that dearly.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this…

I had a crush on this girl, Hanna. She reminded of my own energy in human form, like someone had stripped away everything about me but had left my energy behind and let it manifest into a human female. And I was absolutely interested. I wanted to go walking with her, go smoke weed and cigarettes with her, go hiking with her, go hang out with her family with her. She didn’t really seem to mind. I loved her sense of humor, because it was like she was constantly trying to one up everyone but I was always a step ahead of her, and she’d give me this look like I read her mind and she knew that I knew. It was so intense, I wanted to explore the world with her.

Then one day I got a little sideways in my humor and started combining sarcasm, excessively snarky dryness, and a bit of a weird lick of sidehumor, because I was thinking about this episode of SNL where Stefan was going on about a club that had human furniture (people tied up in various poses, used as furniture) and I thought it was funny and I didn’t preface my joke with the source material, (she had mentioned that she loved SNL, so I assumed she’d seen the Episode in question) and she didn’t respond for hours, then went off on me for being a narcissistic, egotistical selfish person who has never been kind to anyone, and I considered crying but at that point I’d already sunk pretty deep into depression. I’m still there and it’s been over a year, and I’m just tired of getting stuck with the crazy girls or the super creepy gay dudes, the people that treat me like shit/trash/a meatbag, just because I rarely express my emotions unless it’s in the moment, I actually observe and truly see things for what they are without judging, and I have some nice cheekbones. That’s where all these things come from, and to be honest, I’m pissed. Us human beings shouldn’t treat each other like trash, especially because we find someone attractive. I’m timid as F$ck because I don’t see myself as attractive, I see myself as breathing. I see others as attractive, but all I want is to experience them as a person, intellectually, emotionally, physically (through my senses). And If I like someone’s energy, their voice, their eyes, and their vibe, I can have them around in my life, but it makes it really awkward trying to explain that I need to acclimate to someone first. I actually tend to avoid going out nowadays because I’m just tired of being let down or treated like filth. I don’t know what to do because I’m a very social person and the only person I have in my life outside my family is approximately fourty IQ points below me, because I can accurately predict any given twenty four hour span he will go through, and he can’t have a deep discussion about something to save his life, which is fine but disappointing. I love him, because he’s super straightforward, honest, helpful, fun and silly, but he doesn’t stimulate me quite the way I’d like. And yet I can’t find anyone else. The dude I called my best friend over the last few years has been using me and recently bailed on being my friend because “you gave my girl a look like you liked her or something” (seeing as she tried to fight me about four hours after she met me, and it took me a year to get used to her being really brutally mean sometimes, me being able to appreciate the positive parts of her personality should be celebrated), “you made a mysterious Facebook post about a girl” (yeah, the enigmatic frontwoman of a band I recently saw. Her birthday is 3/21, she’s got the bluest eyes I have ever seen and I swear to god I had a dream about her and I together), and “you left my band practice to go drink with her.” (I left the band practice to go home and eat because I hadn’t all day, and then she hit me up saying that guys were all over her and she wanted her boyfriend and friends there, so I was supposed to get over there. I hit up the boyfriend/best friend and he said I’ll be there in ten. I live five minutes from the bar walking. I was there before him. And then he didn’t show up for another half hour. And then he’s mad at me the whole night, though he never said why.)

I’m tired of being the person that everybody thinks their spouse is sleeping with on the side. I’m tired of being the guy who has people attempting to fight him because he happens to be y’all and vaguely hispanic looking. I’m tired of people having problems with me for reason that are either in their head, based off of alcohol, or both. It’s not fair to me that I get shit on by nearly everyone in my life, and nobody has the guts to just fricking apologize for treating me like shit.

I guess that’s everything.

hey there (: honestly, a long answer short? you’re not likely to die alone, not unless you choose to. 

if you want to look at it from that perspective, then all my relationships have failed as well! I’m 24 and single (ish) haha, I’ve been in multiple relationships and none of them have worked out. would you say to me “you’re going to die alone” when you and I are in the same circumstances? probably not q: and even though the exact details of how and why we’re both single and our relationships haven’t worked may vary? it all really comes down to perspective, how you choose to view those relationships and what those endings mean, what you can learn from them. 

your past relationships haven’t worked out, so what?! that doesn’t mean you’re going to die alone, that just means that you haven’t met the right people who are compatible with you. maybe what it could take for a relationship to work out is a step back and to examine why those past relationships haven’t worked, what personality traits to avoid? I’m not sure! yes your past relationships haven’t worked out, yes there’s reasons for that, no that doesn’t mean you’re destined to be alone forever. 

you mentioned what you want in a relationship / friends (...” I want to do is help people, and to be loved in as lighthearted and deep a manner as possible”) and it’s good to know what you want! but you also said that you’re never sure what people want from you -- and if that’s the case then you need to ask. communicate!! words and conversation are key, they’re so so important because it gives everyone involved clarity and it’s much less likely miscommunication occurs. 

I think I may have mentioned this once before to you, so apologises if I’m repeating myself! but if you want to be stimulated, entertained and busy in regards to people in your life? meet new people, do new things and choose new ways to meet people that share common interests, see where that goes! you said that you want to help people and to be loved passionately and care for in a genuine manner right? so actively look for positive, kind, caring and like-minded people to spend time around, use meetup.com to meet some new people who share things in common with you or check out your local community centre, things like that. get out of the city, the state, the country if that’s what it takes! I moved from australia to london 6 months ago and it was a huge change, it made me realise how unhappy and unstimulated I was living in melbourne and how much I needed to change my environment and the people around me! obviously moving to the other side of the world can be a logistical nightmare and not accessible for everyone, but if you can make some change to your physical environment and move somewhere else, a different suburb, town? then do so, it can make the world of difference. 

change the people in your life, block all contact with people who treat you in a shitty way for no reason. take a step back and look at what you could do differently for future relationships / friendships to be more positive and fulfilling, know that you’re not going to die alone. all the best xx

- tash

#advice #submission #23m #relationships