#do the butts match

[cookie-nom-nom]

How to Kidnap Bruce Wayne in 6 Easy Steps

The Batfam decided to have a nice evening together. They had it all planned out. The Joker was JUST put into Arkam, Harley and Poison Ivy were having a date night, and they sent the Riddler a 5k puzzle piece, so they should have a few hours. Hopefully.

But then entered...the comedian. Not a knockoff Joker, mind, an actual comedian serving as the entertainment for the night. The kids were running a bet on the odds of Bruce laughing. Not actual laughter, naturally, but how many fake laughs Bruce would decide to manufacture. Dick maintained it would be 8 times at most, despite what the others thought.

And then a PowerPoint presentation started, with the words Bruce Wayne emblazoned behind the comedian. "Brucie Brucie Wayne. Local philanthropist, runner of jobs and charities and orphanages. Gotham's number one eligible bachelor if and only if you like kids. But Ladies and Gentlemen and Folks, I'm here to tell you otherwise. Because this right here? It's alllll a mask. I know the real Bruce Wayne, and I have the proof to reveal his secret identity."

Bruce was very carefully keeping his eyes on the performer, refusing to acknowledge the eyes latching onto him, or the occasional covert elbows.

The comedian dramatically flourished the remote and changed the slide. A stock photo of a man littering had Bruce's face crudely photoshopped over it popped up. "See! A menace to society! And I have an extremely reliable witness who swears that the recycling bin was three feet away. Tsk. Some people just want to watch the world burn. Which maybe I'd be okay with since we Matched on Tinder, and yet not a single spark despite how much chemistry we'd have!" A wall of unanswered Tinder messages of bad pick-up lines and far, far too many winky faces filled the screen, all sent to a profile claiming to be 'Bruce Waine'. "This MONSTER left me on read! Can you believe it? Ghosted. And that definitely isn't on me, because my Mom says I can make anyone swoon. Who do you trust between the two? Wayne? Some millionaire who could never relate to your everyday experience?" The slide flipped between Bruce suavely dealing with paparazzi and a sweet older woman. "Or Mom, who can make wonderful potlucks, whereas we all know the Wayne Manor has nearly burned down on three separate occasions thanks to Brucie trying to use a toaster!" Technically all villain attacks, but the public needn't know that.

The Wikipedia page's list of philanthropic acts and charities sponsored by Bruce Wayne scrawled across the screen, the comedian gesticulating wildly. "All this?? PROPAGANDA! This is what he WANTS you to think! When in reality, he's a two-faced, duplicitous, littering, puppy-kicking monster who REFUSES to answER MY TEXTS, IT'S NOT HARD! I'M FUNNY AND HOT AND--!" The comedian paused in frothing at the mouth, as if suddenly realizing the audience was there. They straightened, pointedly adjusting their collar. "We all know the true darkness that lies behind his friendly, ditzy, sexy façade. And so our goal is simple: we are going to kidnap this menace for the wellbeing of Gotham (and my love life)."

Step 1: Become an orphan.

"Alright, the first step of Plan 1 is simple. Now that you're an orphan..." the slide changed with a silly transition animation.

Step 2: Irreversible and extensive surgery.

"Now this step is a bit expensive but-" they feigned a surprised face at the protests in the audience. Planted, no doubt. "I'm sorry, what's the hold-up? We don't have all night! This is literally the first step and you already have questions?" The comedian gestured wildly in the direction of the Batfam. Bruce narrowly avoided recognition thanks to his fondness for sitting menacingly in the shadowy corner of the room. "Seriously! There're KIDS in the audience! They're far too young to know how easy it is to get tragically orphaned at a young age and left with no stability and an empty hole in your life to be filled with grief, rage, and fear!

"Sheesh. Some people have no consideration for the faint of heart. Think of the children! Literally, think of the children you will be infiltrating." A flick of the remote and Step 3: Infiltrate an orphanage popped up. "We all know the easiest way into the Wayne household is adoption. Now that you've gotten extensive surgery to appear like a child, the hard part begins.

"Little is known about the entity known as children. I have put together research to aid in your mission. You need to know how to walk, how to dress, how to speak. Do you know what rizz is? Can you dab on command? One mistake and you're dead. You can fool the hearts of men, but children will rip a poor performance to shreds. I should know, I was bullied severely on the playground every time I tried to bring up the question of what the deal with airplane food is..."

The comedian went on, detailing the absurd plan to trick Bruce Wayne into adopting them. It hinged entirely on the fact he was a well-known moron. The Batkids found great glee in piling on the jabs as the comedy bit went on. Step 4: Marketability analyzed the various personalities and attributes of the Batkids to extrapolate how to lure Bruce into adopting the infiltrator, highlighting key traits like 'small' 'looks like a drowned cat' and 'a glare that is really terrifying for a baby to have'. Bruce found that portion almost tolerable, given some of the kids turned upon one another in something akin to a feeding frenzy. But it wasn't long before the full brunt of their teasing returned upon him as Plan 1 concluded with Step 5: Buying rope and duck tape while not looking suspicious and Step 6: Using flower language to apologize (for the abduction).

"...Alright. So, maybe you don't have the funds to shorten the length of your leg bones. Or maybe you don't have black hair and blue eyes. I get it, re-dyeing is messy. If Plan 1 is infeasible for your budget or lifestyle, then I've kindly considered a second revenue of attack."

A massive picture of Batman filled the screen. The crowd descended into mayhem. "Oh don't tell me the entire audience believes the butts match! We're conspiracy theorists here, but I thought you had STANDARDS!" It was possible Bruce's face was going to freeze in that perpetual rictus. Dick waved a hand in front of him, not sure when he last blinked. "Come on people! They're clearly different people. Which is why I'm going to recruit Killer Moth to do a little crime. All the funds that would've gone to child surgery can now be injected directly into the criminal underworld. It's basically the same thing our taxes do but faster! I've thought this through. Killer Moth will do anything for a price and you won't like actually be in danger. I mean, can you imagine dying to some D-tier villain? Cringe. Anyway, this is your 'in' with Batman. He saves you and it's all very heroic. And then you start chatting, maybe get his number; it's going great. It's been a few months of him rescuing you over and over again, and hopefully you haven't died or whatever. At that point you bring up Bruce Wayne. I mean he's getting kidnapped all the time! It has to be incredibly inconvenient for Batman, and he deserves a break for all his hard work. So the next step of this plan is to convince Batman to kidnap Bruce Wayne..."

.....................................................

The comedian paced backstage during intermission, rehearsing the next segment. It seemed to be going well, a good-sized audience. There was one group in the back that was particularly uproarious, save for one adult in the center. But then, the comedian was suddenly surrounded by children who seemingly melted out of the shadows. "I don't think you are supposed to be back here. Are you lost? Do you need help finding your parents? ....wait, shouldn't there have been guards...?"

"Didn't see any," Tim shrugged. Hard to, when they were strung thirty feet up in the rafters of the auditorium. "Anyway, we've just been adoring your act. Our Dad? Not so much, though."

"Eh, can't please them all. Some people just put celebrities on the craziest of pedestals."

"More like he's listening to someone ramble about trying to kidnap him." Beneath a mask a mile thick, Dad was writhing in mortification.

The way the stages of grief so clearly filtered through the comedian's face was fascinating to watch. "..........Bruce Wayne is in the audience?" they asked weakly. "Like. Right now? Watching? Waiting to ambush me with lawyers?"

"Dad's in the bathroom." Batman was desperately out on patrol to avoid his family's heckling.

"Actually, I don't think he's caught on that you're talking about him yet." Jason grinned evilly.

"Man, I heard he was a bimbo but I didn't know it was that severe. My condolences, truly. Thank god the second half of the interview is about trying to plan a dinner date that doesn't get ruined by supervillains. I do NOT need him coming after me for slander. Uh. You aren't offended, right...?" They could not afford any type of lawsuit. Or controversy. The comedian stuck to petty Twitter bait, not actual problems.

The hoard of children beamed. Suddenly, the comedian realized the exits were cut off. A teen's arm looped around theirs, another surprisingly firm grip across their shoulders. "Nah. Actually, we had some suggestions. How'd you like to do a live interview...?"

.....................................................

"Alright folks, you're never going to believe this, but during the intermission I was cornered by children. It was terrible, I was having flashbacks to second grade..." an artistic shudder. "But thankfully, these ones just wanted to harass me after listening to me ramble about trying to seduce and/or kidnap their dad for the last half hour. Can we get a big welcome for the Wayne kids! I'd introduce them but they all look identical to me!" A fantastic roar of applause at the sudden special guest segment. "Luckily, these kids have graciously elected to let me interview them so that I have better data to act on when trying to kidnap their dad. And is he in the audience still...?"

"Nope! Still in the bathroom. Has been for thirty one minutes."

"Either he needs to see a doctor or he's locked himself in again. How often does that happen?"

"At least twice a month," Jason grinned. It wasn't an infrequent excuse to explain disappearances.

"One wonders how he survives. I like that in a man. Now, quick question. Which of you is the cutest?"

"Damian!" the hoard chorused. The youngest one snarled at once, rounding upon the others. The comedian scrambled away in what was unfortunately not a particularly exaggerated fashion. There was pure murder in the twerp's eyes.

Luckily, three brothers restraining him appeared to be enough. "Don't worry he has his rabies shot yearly," one smirked.

With cautious steps, the comedian approached where Damian was being dangled like a baby kitten. A few moments of examination, and they delivered the verdict that Damian was, in fact, a precious baby boy. The child hissed nastily. "Look at his beautiful eyes! Adorable. You could just get lost in them. Which is why I plan to print out approximately 30k pictures of this child and plaster Bruce's entire room with them. He'd never be able to leave, absorbed in his adorable adoptee."

"I'm his only biological offspring!" Damian snapped, literally. Dick had to jerk out of the way to avoid losing his fingers to the chomping child. "And that would never work!"

"Really? Doesn't he keep little picture rolls of you and corner near strangers into cooing over them?" The comedian is passed Bruce's wallet by Stephanie. "Wait, how'd you get this?"

"I took it from Dick, who stole it from Jason who stole it from Tim, who took it to reprimand Damian for stealing it from Dad."

"Wow, he is not observant in the slightest! I feel even better about my odds now. Oh, would you look at that, countless pictures..." They pulled out a roll. And then kept pulling, and kept pulling, the camera roll beginning to puddle at their feet. It was almost like a clown's handkerchief, save the fact the string of photos was sturdy enough to be used as a rope if needed. More than one of Gotham's rogues had been captured under the guise of Bruce rambling about his children.

"How much can he fit in one wallet?!" Something metallic clanged to the floor of the stage, and the comedian held up a pair of expanding handcuffs for the audience to gawk at. "Well well well, looks like I have excellent taste in men. Wait, there's also some pepper spray. When in Gotham, I suppose. Wow that's a concerning number of pocket knives...and approximately 2k in 100 dollar bills-- well isn't this scarily similar to the list of supplies I recommended in step 5! What, did he just hold someone ransom? Wait. Oh my god, that's how he made all his money. It's guilt that makes him a philanthropist! And all this time we thought he was perpetually haunted by his dead parents! WAIT." The comedian let the crowd howl, periodically interjecting as they paced the stage with grandiose graveness. "I have had an epiphany!" The laughter finally petered out, the comedian allowing the silence to linger. "Guys," they said, deadly serious. "If he made his millions kidnapping people, and I kidnap him....does that make ME Bruce Wayne???"

Batman had to dodge jokes from his kids for weeks afterward.

#disclaimer i only know the batfam from memes and cursory research (and pestering my comic fan brother) #i just had a SUPER funny dream last night and had to write it down #batfam #batman #dc fanfic #batfam shenanigans #batfamily #batfam fanfic #batfam fic #batfam funny #bruce wayne #do the butts match #dc #something to nom on

[br-uwu-cewayne]

B.W.?!?! W

B.M.???? M

WAKE UP, GOTHAM!!!

#brucie wayne #do the butts match #not the bat #id in alt

[brucie-wayne-official]

MR WAYNE! MR WAYNE! For The Daily Planet—do you have an opinion on the theory that yours’ and The Batman’s butts match??

my butt is way better than his..... no offense to batman

#bruce wayne #bruce wayne rp #brucie babbles #batman #do the butts match

[removeoffthecraudestoppers]

What a steal

#batman #dc #bruce wayne #do the butts match #BATMAN ASS

[wayne-prince-of-gotham]

Please stop sending me this, I don't understand.

#rp #bruce wayne #batman #batman rp #gotham #dc #dc universe #do the butts match

[centralcitizeningotham]

I saw someone on twitter say that they think Bruce "THE playboy" Wayne is Bat "I work alone" man

Mr. Wayne has over 100 compilations of him falling down stairs on youtube

Like...huh??

#dc oc #dc oc rp #dc ocs #only in gotham #only in gotham rp #average day in gotham #dc universe #booker carrera #do the butts match

[happypeachsludgeflower]

Do the butts match tho??

#do the butts match #batman #dick grayson #nightwing #batman and robin #bruce wayne #dc characters #dc universe #shitpost

[insidiouscha0s]

do you think, in the omgcp universe, there is a small online conspiracy theory about jack and sid crosby and how/if theyre related? in a “do the butts match” kind of way?

have people ever seen jack and bitty and sid all together at the same time? do the nhlers lean into the madness and every time they play each other one of them is “out on injury?” what does that look like

#omgcp #jack zimmermann #do the butts match

[redrobin-detective]

Kid probably: If you keep drinking all that coffee, it'll stunt your growth!

Conan: 😠

I know we all are convinced Kaito knows Shinichi's situation but we're all missing the comedy potential of Kai just thinking this weird competent 7 year old is beating him and is like "my life is so goddamned weird this might as well happen".

In this case, I could imagine Kaito in a joking, but well minded attempt to be something of a good senpai figure, way that all that coffee isn't good for him. It's just as much in a physical dependence way as a 'a boy your age shouldn't become so reliant on coffee also go tf home and have a childhood you sad little boy'

Meanwhile Conan "Shinichi" Edogawa who's had 2 nervous breakdowns that morning and just wants to get back to his body so he can marry the love of his life is clutching that coffee like it's life or death. If he didnt crave the sense of normalcy it offered, he'd chuck it at Kid's bright white suit.

#dcmk #listen we as a fandom do not capitalize on Kaito Not Knowing nearly often enough #and why would he honestly?? #who would guess that a 7 year old kid is actually a shrunken celebrity #do the butts match #like Kai def knows something is up but thata not anyone's top guess #let him try in his own way to protect conan to try and keep him away from the danger #and conan to just go into feral nightmare mode bc if his fated rival looks down on him he's gonna lose his mind

[aenxiome]

So you know how in the MCU Steve Rogers (CAP), is known as America’s ass would he be the marvel equivalent of Dick Grayson‘s ass?



#nightwing #marvel #americas ass #captain america #batfam #ideas #do the butts match

[mylifeingotham]

#bruce wayne? batman? #no way he’s an absolute idiot #him being batman is like dick grayson being nightwing #such a dumb idea #but do the butts match?? #batman #bruce wayne #gotham #batman and robin #robin #dick grayson #richard grayson #tim drake wayne #tim drake #timothy drake wayne #dc red robin #red robin #dc batman #dc characters #dc comics #dc #dc bruce wayne #dc tim drake #dc nightwing #nightwing #bats #batman & robin #batman comics #batman villains #batfamily

[fanaticalthings]

You know how there are those rare occasions when Batman will team up with a villain?

Can you imagine how funny it would be if during those team ups that specific rogue gets an insider look at how the Batfamily operates/interacts with each other?

I feel like it'd be like those situations where you're at a friend's house and said friend starts arguing with their parent and you're just stuck there like "🧍‍♂️" except in this case, it's just everyone arguing with everyone.

The team-up would be going well at first but then all it takes is one snide remark from one batkid for chaos to unfold.

Suddenly it's like a bomb has been set off, triggering a cascade of catastrophes. Red Robin and Robin are screaming at each other, knives are thrown, someone is crying, out of NOWHERE the Red Hood comes in and shoots Batman's kneecaps, which, hello?? where did he even come from?? Isn't he on the their side?? Did the Signal just jump off the building without a grapple gun?? Nightwing is trying to calm everyone down, no one listens to him, and Red Robin has just launched Robin off the side of the building like a football.

Everything is hell, Batman has three batarangs lodged in his armor and has lost all motor functions below his knees but has not said a single word throughout it all.

The Red Hood has just rigged the building they are standing atop of with bombs. The mission is never completed.

The rogue decides to never step foot in Gotham ever again.

Bonus:

This is also how that same villain discovers the batfam's identity: They see one interview with all the Waynes together, watches how one small thing sets off all the children to start outright attacking each other, notices how vaguely familiar all of this is..

and the rogue is just sat there, mouth open, squinting at the interview clip like "No fucking way"

#the rogue staring at bruce wayne: the butts DO match D:< #this is why when bruce teams up with a villain he makes sure it's JUST him otherwise his children will make him lose all his credibility #batfam #batfamily #bruce wayne #batman #dc comics #batdad #batkids #dick grayson #jason todd #tim drake #duke thomas #damian wayne #rogue: goddamn. this entire time i thought wayne was getting fucked sideways by Batman but yk what this makes a lot more sense #crack #batbros #fanatical posting

[fixing-bad-comic-art]

you know, it's at times like this where roughly 5billiion people, almost 63% of all humans on earth, are in my inbox explaining the origin of a comic book ass meme to me, that i feel like i need to remind folk that im not really in the comic book fandom. But then, today, i had a realization. One that genuinely made me have to get up and go stare at my fishtank for few minutes.

I can't say that I'm not in the comic book fandom because it is By Far the fandom I produce the most content for. I am ostensibly inside this clown car. but unlike the rest of you bozos I'm locked in the trunk and am unaware of what's going on in the larger vehicle.

#not a fix #housekeeping #anyways thank you to everyone for explaining tge butts match thing #theres a lot of you and i dont want to make that the rest of everyone's dash tonight #but i do appreciate it

[wildstar25]

MiqoMarch Day 23 - Midnight

With their intended voyage into the void only a few days out, Arsay thought it the upmost importance that she steal her partner away to Kugane, that they might share one more fond memory together should things not turn out the way they plan in the thirteenth. It was as they crossed the very same bridge the miqo'te had once sat on together two years prior when Arsay gifted Y'shtola with a bracelet matching that of her own. A token of endearment which, Arsay confessed, she would have given to her fellow scion back then, had nerves not gotten the best of her. While their relationship has undoubtedly changed since the initial purchase of the jewellery, the sentiment remained the same. Y'shtola was someone who Arsay loved dearly and she will forever be grateful to have the seeker's life intertwined with her own. No matter where their free spirits took them, they would always hold each other in their hearts. A promise Y'shtola was more than willing to keep. She slipped the the string of beads around her wrist without a second thought. They were never to come off, not even when the two decided to delay their return to Radz-at-Han in favour of a private bath at the dead of night.

#miqomarch #miqomarch 2024 #ffxiv #y'shtola rhul #y'shtola x wol #wolshtola #Arsay Nun #WOL posting #arsay nun lore #arshtola #thanks to nhaneh for the body mod #i had to do some insane fov to get the moon and them in the same shot so sorry for the distortion #forcing arshtola lore into this prompt since idk when Ill ever get around to gposing the actual scene #this is between 6.1 and 6.2! #endwalker patch spoilers #i had the idea that arsay bought the Dai-ryumyaku bracelets from a vendor between 4.3 n 4.4 when shtola is off to the doman enclave #and arsay is like hey wait you should let me show you around kugane on the way over! #a fun friend date that ends with shtola finally accepting she has a crush on arsay and its terminal #and arsay having a single moment where she starts reflecting on feelings & thinks maybe she missed hanging out w/shtola more than she shoul #only to quickly butt that idea out of her head and continue being super normal #arsay notices these matching bracelets with red and purple string and shes like oh they are so cute and they look like #they belong in a pair it would be so sad if they were ever split up unexpectedly #i know ill buy them and give one to shtola wouldnt that be fun! #so she does that and then cant bring herself to give yshtola the damn thing because she starts second guessing herself #so arsay stashes the bracelets away and she started wearing hers later under her glove #fast forward to two years later and arsay finds the other one in one of her bags #and now shes dating yshtola and they are about to go somewhere super dangerous #what better time to tell your gf how much they have always meant to you #and what better way to do it than with a gift and some words spoken from the heart? #it was a little unconventional since arsay didnt really have marriage on the mind but it was a proposal in a sense

[fisheito]

i wanted to see altaria rei then i started goofin around

#the only ones i could see clearly were eevee eiden and morpeko morvay #i couldn't pin rei to a single mon bc i don't know a THING ABOUT HIM yet #but i want to see ghost type rei fight ghost type kuya and they're both just super effective against each other #i wonder if all the old men automatically get honourary ghost type membership. live 300 years ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: spooky #ANYWAY LET ME TALK ABOUT MY LIST #as in the list i was compiling of pokemon who matched the VIBE of someone and i couldn't decide #now BESIDES the ones req et al. already mentioned. which i already 👍👍👍 i was trying to find even moooore . exploring what could be..... #rei: altaria. marowak (alolan). noctowl. chandelure. decidueye. ribombee [a quiet friend :)]. inteleon. #once again i don't know rei's birdy deal yet so i won't (eheheh) pigeonhole him into an owl pokemon but we'll just wait and see #i had inteleon under rei before milke brought up sobble yakumo so now i'm like..... oh no... #rei fits the last evol and yakumo fits the first two.... uhhhhh #they can share. like they share gem placement. butt buddies. #yakumo had: girafarig. froslass. azurill (crying). tropius. wishiwashi. leavanny. marshadow. #i just want him to hang out with the food related mons and enjoy some fresh fruit with a giant flying dinosaur. yah #OK FOR EDMOND I SAW SIRFETCH'D AND COULDN'T STOP LAUGHING #WHAT A REGAL BOY. I HAVE TO. PLEASE I NEED EDMOND TO WIELD ONIONS #i was trying to be serious and find him a proper majestic pokesona . i swear. but the look on sirfetch'd's's face #edmond's list went: skarmory. lucario. cinccino. zeraora. dachsbun. #do i know edmond? i doubt. he's fluffy. wait no he's severe. wait no would he dare carry a fluffy cakey pokemon around? DARE HE???? #for olivine i was even more stumped. seems like a lot of the pokemon i immediately thought of were the fluffy nurse types #stuff like chansey/blissey. kangaskhan. #this pokemon is 100% female? *flings pokedex out the window* no. olivine is a gender now #some of the newer pokemon i considered were bewear. drampa. mabosstiff. #but once again these were all just Protective of the Little Ones types #so i was imagining olivine just chilling with his serene smile and an army of MASSIVE CARETAKER POKEMON behind him #but. there has to be more to him than just taking care of others . furrows brow. idk. i'll settle for lapras FOR NOW #ditto eiden riding on the back of lapras. wonderful. glorious #pokemon crossover

[smulie]

Vaughn recently got diagnosed w/ high blood pressure, So Arabella made a pact with him. They were to start working out and eating healthier, together.

#she really loves him ok so she's gonna do whatever it takes to keep him around forever!!! #that healthcare mod is really kicking our butt over here #i just realized they're matching #ts4 #sims 4 #the sims 4 #ts4 gameplay #sims 4 gameplay #the sims 4 gameplay #the blackwell fam