#doc sportello imagine

[seal-writes-stuff]

home

Word count: 1.2k

Warnings: F!Reader, one mention of drug use, no plot just vibes

Summary: You’re waiting for your husband to come home.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m still on my perpetual lmao Doc Sportello bullshit, so here’s a little thing that’s been on my mind for a while. Hope you enjoy!

He’s still not home.

You take a wistful look out of the window for what feels like a hundredth time and sigh. There aren’t many people left outside: someone’s still trying to take the last dive of the day at the beach, a couple of lovers still can’t find it in themselves to part for the night, but that’s about it.

The sun’s slowly disappearing in sea: you see it every day and it’s beautiful all the same. It always reminds you of the glossy postcards you keep sending to your parents every once in a while. Still, those cards never do the view justice, you think.

His car is nowhere in sight.

You try to divert your attention back to the stir fry you’re trying to make, but your thoughts persist. All in all, you aren’t even upset – it’s not the first time and certainly won’t be the last. Before you got together, Doc would always disappear for days or even weeks at a time, only to show up again, sweet as ever. More often than you’d like to admit, you used to wonder if there would ever come a day when he’d be gone for good, leaving you behind. Doc assured you that he’d always find a way back to you, no matter what happens.

And he did. If anything, Doc’s always been great at keeping his promises.

You add another pinch of salt, mixing the vegetables together. All of these doubts feel so far away now. You can’t imagine doubting him now, not even a little bit. But you can’t imagine being away for so long again too. Even a few extra hours seem endless these days; you have no idea how you did it before, and frankly, you don’t want to find out.

Deep in your thoughts, you don’t notice the car pulling up and you don’t hear the door opening a few minutes later. You only snap out of it when you feel Doc pull you in a warm hug from behind.

“Hey there,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to the side of your neck. You squirm at the way his sideburns tickle your skin.

“Hey,” you smile without looking away from the pan. “Careful, my husband’s gonna be home any moment now.”

“Hmm, and what he’s gonna do?”

“Oh, you know, he’s a P.I. He’s got connections. I wouldn’t mess with him.”

That’s the last straw; the act finally breaks. You start giggling and Doc joins you, punctuating his words with more gentle kisses.

“I’ve really missed you today.”

“Me too,” you run your fingertips up and down his forearm before bringing his hand to your mouth. “How’s work?”

“Eh, same old. You know how it is.”

“Oh man, do I. Hey, honey, I’ve blacked out in a brothel the other day – all strictly business, of course - so now I’m a murder suspect. If Bigfoot comes looking tell him I’m dead. Love you!”

“That was one time!”

“I rest my case.”

You chuckle, yet the thought lingers on your mind for just a moment longer. Enough time has passed for the story to become an inside joke, something you can laugh about together, yet living through it was terrifying. You’ve never managed to get many details out of Doc on the matter, but you remember him coming to you all but scarred from the experience. You remember getting high together the night after everything was over, as you mumbled shapeless love confessions and he stared at the ceiling blankly, playing with your hair.

You were dating for a while by this point. You were engaged a week later.

“Here,” you pick up a piece of bell pepper with a spatula and bring it to his mouth. “Careful, it’s hot.”

“You know what else is ho-”

“Don’t you fucking dare. Oh, by the way, if you say it’s great when it’s not I’m going to kill you. Just saying.”

“Alright, alright,” he raises his hands in surrender, taking a bite. “Mhm. I’d add some chili flakes.”

“That’s more like it,” you press a kiss to Doc’s cheek before turning back to the stove. “It’s almost ready. Set the table, will ya?”

“On it.”

He squeezes you for one last time before letting go. You’re wrapping up the cooking, reveling in comfortable silence, broken only by the clacking of the plates. Everything is mundane and everything is magical – everything’s just the way you’ve always wanted it to be.

You’re brought back to reality by the sound of Doc’s voice.

“How was your day? Any news?”

“Got a new client today.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“In a way. He’s a complete fucking asshole, keeps telling ‘this young lady’ how to do my job. I mean, man, you wanted me to do this, no?”

“Want me to beat him up?”

“You beat people up now?” you throw him a glance over your shoulder and smile. “Who are you and what have you done to my husband?”

“I make exceptions, you know.”

“Pfft. Tempting, but no. We’ll wait ‘till he pays in full and then I’ll beat him up myself,” you turn off the stove in a swift motion. “Dinner’s ready. Eat up.”

You turn around, expecting him to grab a plate, but he doesn’t. Instead, Doc leans closer, taking your face in his hands. You laugh, turning your face just enough to kiss the heel of his palm.

“What?”

“Just lookin’,” Doc brushes his thumb over your lips. “You’re so beautiful.”

Your fingers slowly ghost up his arms until your hands lock behind his neck. You really wish you could capture this moment – the entirety of it. The fresh, salty air, chill in the evening. The last rays of the sunset, warm on your skin. The way Doc looks at you.

The way nobody has ever looked at you.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” you press a little kiss to the tip of his nose, laughing as he scrunches his face. “I love you, do you know that?”

“I mean, I’ve had my suspicions for a while, but-”

“Oh my God,” you roll your eyes with a groan, burying your face in the crook of his neck, lost in his scent for a second. “I take it back. You’re insufferable.”

“And you still married me.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. A lapse in judgment.”

“Ouch.”

“Didn’t say I regret it,” you rest your chin on his shoulder with a content sigh. “Besides, I thought you didn’t care much about the... How'd you call it, squalid matrimonials?”

“Aww, you remembered.”

“He's avoiding the question, Your Honor.”

“You know what I’m going to say,” his voice is soft and gravely, enveloping you like a warm ocean wave. “I love you too. I’d have squalid matrimonial with you all day.”

“That’s all I’m asking for.”

He doesn’t respond. Instead, Doc pulls you in a deep, sweet kiss, and you happily oblige – forgetting the dinner, forgetting all of your troubles, and, if only for a moment, forgetting about the outside world.

Your husband is home, and finally, so are you.

#doc sportello #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin phoenix imagine #inherent vice #seal writes

[quinn-tessence]

Masterlist

I started writing for myself over two years ago to try to tame this wild fire. Little did I know it would ravenously spread farther into my sketching and painting, and now they’re practically going hand in hand. ❤🔥

I'm an Arthur/Joker devotee, but Joaquin is really my sweet poison, so I will occasionally dabble with some of his other characters depending on my mood. 🤭

Here's a little thank you note for all you wonderful people! ❤

Hope you enjoy the reads! 🥰🖤

---

1. Paint Me Like One of your French Girls

Cast: Joker x reader, a splash of Arthur

Artwork inspiration: Introduce me as Joker acrylic painting

Canon bits: subway shootings, Murray scene, street riots and dance on the Police car. The rest is self shipping for artists 🤭

Cliff notes - Your forensic sketch portrait leads the Police to suspect Arthur of the three subway murders, but it also leads you to becoming a full time artist, painting a particular sweet, shy clown you used to know. That clown soon becomes Joker, and you fall down a dangerous rabbit hole the moment he reaches out to his favorite artist for a rendez vous.

Part 1,

Part 2*

Part 3*

Part 4*

Part 5*

---

2. Nocturne for a Clown

Cast: Arthur x reader (build up to Joker)

Artwork inspiration:

Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde pencil sketch

Danse Macabre acrylic painting

Sharp Dressed Men acrylic painting

Canon: you basically live in Sophie’s apartment, one floor below him

Cliff notes: you stumble into an intriguing neighbor and soon find yourself in his path by accident. His vulnerability and meekness around you get under your skin fast until he shows up at your door one night wearing his work costume and lets himself in without permission. He turns you into his wilful companion throughout his journey from discovering his harrowing lack of identity to morphing into Joker.

Part 1,

Part 2*

Part 3*

Part 4

Part 5*

Part 6*

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3. Bolero for a Clown (Xmas themed)

Cast: Joker x reader

Artwork Inspiration: Christmas Fever pencil sketches

Headcanon

Cliff notes: You’ve been together for one year and he’s been missing for a week before Christmas. You fear business will keep him away, but he calls in to taunt his return and set you on fire before he arrives with risque gifts your Arthur would have been too shy to bring.

Part 1*

Part 2*

---

4. Night Fever

My personal favorite. I want to see Arthur in control of himself, having a tight grip on his insecurities and turning into an emancipated Joker. So I wrote it 🙈

Cast: Joker x reader (a splash of Arthur)

Artwork Inspiration:

The Killing Joke, acrylic painting

You Don’t Listen, Do You acrylic painting

Wild Fire, acrylic painting

Smooth Criminal, pencil sketch

Headcanon

Cliff notes: you’re assigned to work undercover as a bartender in Joker’s club, over two years since becoming Gotham's most wanted. Little did you know you were handpicked and non-negotiable for the deal he’d made with the feds in exchange for definitive intel on the most corrupt mob family in Gotham.

Part 1,

Part 2*

Part 3*

Part 4*

Sometime during part 4* 😇

Part 5**

Part 6*

Part 7*

Part 8*

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5. Violin Sonata for Abbe

Cast: Abbe de Coulmier x reader

Headcanon. I just can't resist that vulnerable innocence and his artistic spirit in this role.

Cliff notes: you're a widow in love with the younger Abbe of Charenton. You write down your sinful thoughts and slip them to him in his confessional.

Part 1*

Part 2*

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6. My Heart Strings His Harp

Poem to the muse himself, my first ever.

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7. California Dreamin'

Cast: Larry "Doc" Sportello x Reader

Mostly canon, but straying from the original cause I just love hobo Joaquin. Based on the best, most vivid dream I ever had. 😏

Cliff notes: You're Penny Kimball and he's slowly getting over his previous heartbreak thanks to you. He asks you to pay him a late night visit despite the small incident earlier that day.

Part 1*

Part 2*

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UPDATE

As per popular demand, my imagine '🙈🙊🙉' series of pencil sketches:

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

Xmas Bolero

Smooth Criminal

Joker at Pogo's

Be back before I finish this cigarette

Tell me the story

Hand through his locks

Mirror, mirror

Clothing is Custom

Mic drop

Vanity

Joker wearing Arthur

Joker 2

Alright, kitten, makeup is off. What now?

You're home late, kitten

Napoleon

I don't wanna miss a thing

#joker fanfiction #joker fic #joker fanfic #joaquinphoenix #arthur fleck #joker x you #joker x reader #arthur x you #arthur x reader #joker fanart #joaquin phoenix joker #fanfic #joker art #pencil art #joker pencil #joker sketch

[five-miles-over]

Joaquin Phoenix Characters as Comfort Foods

(Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or images. This is just a fun listicle, not designed to offend anyone. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or constructive criticism below. I’m always happy to learn more about various dishes and cuisines. Thank you, and without any further ado, please enjoy!)

Characters in this List: Arthur Fleck, Joker, Theodore Twombly, Jimmy Emmett, Doug Holt, Doc Sportello, Freddie Quell, Johnny Cash, Max California, Merrill Hess, Ray Elwood, Bruno Weiss, Abbé de Coulmier, Joe, Lucius Hunt, and Emperor Commodus.

Also, most of the foods in this listicle are savory, so let me know if you want me to do a listicle with sweet comfort foods too!

 Arthur Fleck from Joker: Fairy Bread

Fairy bread is a treat from Australia, made with white bread, butter (or margarine), and sprinkles (or as they call them in Australia, hundreds and thousands). Just like Arthur, this comfort food is quite simplistic but it’s extremely cherished. Plus, the colorful sprinkles would appeal to the inner child inside of Arthur Fleck.

The Joker from Joker: Prawn Mee

Prawn mee (also called hokkien hae mee) is a spicy street food from Malaysia made with prawns (of course), pork slices, noodles, and water spinach. 

Much like Joker’s antics, this noodle dish is never dull with its spicy and savory flavors. In fact, there are many variations to this dish, with some adding eggs or squid along with different kinds of vegetables.

(Plus, I chose this dish keeping in mind a scene from The Dark Night Rises in which Heath Ledger’s Joker eats a piece of shrimp while crashing a party.)

Theodore Twombly from Her : Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese (aka Cheese Toasties)

I’ve mentioned before how the color red seems to be quite significant to Theodore in this film - he wears it a lot, many of his things are red. So the tomato soup is a good fit.

Also, the warmth of this dish (and the gooey cheese) is a perfect analogy for the way Theodore wears his heart on his sleeve. He can be quite a mushy romantic, and often feels nostalgic for a simpler time of love.

Personally, this dish also brings nostalgia because I used to love it when I was twelve.

Jimmy Emmett from To Die For: Chili Dogs

It’s quite ‘grungy’ in appearance, much like Jimmy Emmett. And the intensity of the bold meat flavors and cheese do quite represent the intense obsession that Jimmy has with Nicole Kidman’s character.

(And I’ve heard it’s a great hangover/munchies food best served with potato chips)

Doug Holt from Inventing the Abbotts: Matzo Ball Soup

Matzo balls are soup dumplings made of unleavened bread flour, that are usually added to chicken or vegetable broth. Just like Doug Holt, they are absolutely wholesome and comforting no matter what.

Doc Sportello from Inherent Vice: Omurice

Omurice is a Japanese dish that combines an omelette and fried rice, which sounds like a nice representation of someone who combines the best of both words, being a private investigator and a hippie.

Also, out of all of Joaquin’s characters, I’m pretty sure Doc would be totally down to try this as an alternate breakfast or snack.

Freddie Quell from The Master: Drunken Noodles (Pad Kee Mao)

One of the running storylines in The Master is Freddie’s interest in alcohol - and getting drunk off of it. He mixes various chemicals and substances to create concoctions (that may not be for everyone) to get a buzz. So it only makes sense that his comfort food comes from the word for ‘drunkard’.

These noodles don’t actually contain any alcohol, but the flavors of black pepper and red chile give it a distinct hotness. (Kind of like how Freddie’s hot-headed nature can be quite dangerous at times.)

Johnny Cash from Walk The Line: Fried Catfish

Fried catfish is quite popular in Kingsland, Alabama - Cash’s hometown - so it would be a nice choice to represent this iconic singer. Also, the movie showed fishing as one of Johnny Cash’s hobbies.

Max California from 8 MM: Poutine

Emerging in the 1950s, poutine is a Canadian dish made with french fries, cheese curds, and brown gravy (usually beef or turkey-flavored). The word ‘poutine’ itself comes from the French word ‘poutine’ (meaning “pudding”) and was used to describe the “sloppy” appearance of this dish.

Much like Max California’s job as a porn vendor, poutine can look quite messy on the outside. However, it has a comforting, warm taste that matches how genuine Max really is on the inside. 

Also, I can imagine Max’s work costing him some long nights that call for fast food (meaning fries!).

Merrill Hess from Signs: Philly Cheesesteak

Philly cheesesteaks are named for the American city Philadelphia, which is quite close to Bucks County, Pennsylvania (the location for many of the scenes filmed  for Signs). 

This greasy sandwich made of steak, onions, peppers, and (lots of!) cheese is an integral part of American cuisine, just like how baseball - Merrill’s passion - is fondly known as “America’s pastime”. 

Also, I can imagine Merrill having quite an appetite, so a cheesesteak would satisfy him.

Ray Elwood from Buffalo Soldiers: Beans on Toast

While being a staple in the United Kingdom, beans on toast would probably suit a soldier like Ray Elwood. Given that the ingredients are nothing more than canned beans and bread, it would be the best choice of comfort food for someone always staying in an army bunker.

(Not to mention, it’s pretty easy to make - he could make this while taking a break from shipping illegal drugs around Berlin)

Bruno Weiss from The Immigrant: Schnitzel with Mushroom Gravy

Bruno Weiss may seem like a hedonist on the outside, being a ruthless pimp and entertainer who will do anything to make a profit. However on the inside, his character craves for warmth and affection. 

Schnitzel is a German comfort food consisting of a piece of meat (or cheese) that is breaded and fried before being coated in a flavorful gravy. Much like Bruno himself, schnitzel has quite a hard, distinctive exteriors and a tender interior.

Abbé de Coulmier from Quills: Ratatouille

(This dish has a fun name, I’m not going to lie) What better choice for a French priest than a summer entrée that originates in Nice, France? Ratatouille is a vegetable stew made with various types of squash, tomatoes, zucchini (or courgette), and eggplant (aka aubergine). 

Much like Abbé, this dish may seem quite simple (based on its ingredients, which are primarily vegetables) but it is quite filling and comforting. This dish is surprisingly warm during cold nights, just like how Abbé’s presence brings warmth to Charenton.

Joe from You Were Never Really Here: Spaghetti Alla Norma

Spaghetti is already a popular comfort food in itself, but Joe’s maturity as a character definitely calls for a slightly elegant version of pasta. Spaghetti alla Norma is made with fried eggplant, cherry tomatoes, and basil to garnish. The eggplant definitely adds a meaty component to this dish, just like Joe’s complicated past makes his storyline in the film quite compelling.

Lucius Hunt from The Village: Minestrone

Minestrone is an Italian vegetarian soup usually consisting of carrots, celery, beans, and pasta in a tomato-based broth. The herbs (thyme, rosemary, oregano) flavoring it definitely offer a rustic type of taste. Not to mention, a warm bowl of this soup does wonders after a long day of walking through the woods.

Emperor Commodus from Gladiator: Chicken Tikka Masala

As always, my favorite is saved for last. *sighs* Honestly, I think the rich, creamy nature of the gravy, along with the blend of spices, makes this perfect for an emperor’s lavish and robust palette. Also, it is by far one of the most popular dishes around the world (especially in the United Kingdom) - just like how Commodus is one of Phoenix’s most iconic roles. 

#joaquin phoenix #arthur fleck #joker #joker 2019 #theodore twombly #her 2013 #doug holt #inventing the abbotts #to die for #jimmy emmett #lucius hunt #the village #walk the line movie #doc sportello #inherent vice #freddie quell #the master #merrill hess #signs movie #you were never really here #abbe de coulmier #quills 2000 #ray elwood #buffalo soldiers #max california #8 mm #bruno weiss #the immigrant #commodus #gladiator

[palmburnt-a-blog]

( @gunjumped got doc sportello )

      ❛ imagine if the life that you thought you shared wasn't really there. ❜ 

#gunjumped #hes getting emo about his ex girlfriend #THREAD ( doc. )

[oscopelabs]

From Script to Screen: The Strange Alchemy of ‘Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans’ by Soheil Rezayazdi

The word “iguana” doesn’t appear in the shooting script of Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. And why should it? Written by veteran TV writer William Finkelstein, the script unfolds with the cause-and-effect logic of a tight police procedural. Prior to penning Bad Lieutenant, Finkelstein wrote more than 50 episodes of L.A. Law, created and wrote on Brooklyn South, and contributed to such cop show staples as Law & Order and NYPD Blue. The man knows how to write a coherent crime drama. He’s devoted his career to the genre, mastering its plot points and character arcs for network television.

So why, in Bad Lieutenant, does a routine scene of police surveillance devolve into a full minute of shaky close-ups of iguanas? Why do scenes end with mystifying non-sequiturs like “Shoot him again...his soul is still dancing”? Why does its protagonist enter a bar shouting, “Sup! Sup! Sup, motherfucker!” for no reason? And why does he aim a gun at an old lady’s head and seethe “Maybe you should drop dead, you selfish cunt!” long after a director should have shouted “cut”?

William Finkelstein wrote none of that. His script originated in the early 2000s as a New York-set TV pilot. Over time, he reworked the material—first into a feature, then into a New Orleans noir. He finished revisions on the script in 2008 as the film was in production. The final script, which he sent me prior to our recent meet-up at an Italian bakery in the West Village, bears the signature of a police procedural master craftsman. Over espressos and lemon ices, I implored Finkelstein to discuss the brazen changes made to his script by the erratic tag team of Nicolas Cage and director Werner Herzog.

Our discussion, along with a close look at the unpublished shooting script, reveals how many of Bad Lieutenant’s most singularly strange moments were born.

“I always wanted to pull back to the procedural nature [of the script],” Finkelstein said, “and Werner basically didn’t give a shit about any of that.”

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Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans is a true curiosity. Neither a remake nor a sequel to Abel Ferrara’s 1992 Bad Lieutenant, the film attempts to turn that film’s premise—a cop with a severe drug problem—into a franchise. Finkelstein likened the connection between his film and Ferrara’s to the Bond series. “From Russia with Love is not a sequel to Dr. No,” he said. “It’s a different movie with different bad guys and settings, but there’s a character in the midst of it—who’s played by different people over the years—who has certain traits that make James Bond James Bond.”

And so the refined Bond martini, shaken not stirred, becomes the bump of coke before work, the hit of crack with your local dealer, the shot of heroin to end the night. Take your pick. Both bad lieutenants love it all. Not surprisingly, there’s no word yet on a third installment to a film franchise whose trademarks include hardcore drug use, gambling debts, and sexual bribery.

The 2009 film is a gleeful exercise in provoking head scratches, raised eyebrows, dropped jaws. Where to start? That a Nic Cage cop drama is the biggest budgeted film of Werner Herzog’s career? Or how about its supporting cast, a grab bag of the formerly famous (Val Kilmer, Fairuza Balk, Xzibit) that gives the film its straight-to-video flavor? Or maybe we focus on the title, Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, a name as indecisive and unwieldy as the film itself?

Above all, though, we have the enchanting interplay between three distinct voices: Herzog, Cage, and Finkelstein. The three operate as something of a jazz trio— Finkelstein keeps time while Herzog and Cage solo over his material. Each player takes turns taking control of what’s on screen. Cage brings the Tourettic outbursts of a repressed superstar unchained. Herzog injects the film with lyrical (and often very goofy) interludes. And Finkelstein gives contrast to his partners’ more self-indulgent noodling. Together, the three don’t exactly harmonize; their agendas clash on the screen, birthing moments of wondrous strangeness. You either dig the contrapuntal pleasures, or you hear nothing but noise.

This piece focuses on the film’s noisiest moments: those flashes of improvisation and left-field obsession smuggled into Bad Lieutenant. I select four scenes where the film erupts into delicious chaos. These are the scenes where a genre picture, penned by an industry veteran, morphs into a kind of madness no screenwriter could dream up.

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“You’re the fucking reason this country’s going down the drain!”

A police officer investigates a homicide while battling his own demons. Bad Lieutenant, for all its digressions, hinges on a fairly straightforward premise. As the film’s tagline cutely puts it, the only criminal Lt. Terence McDonagh can’t catch…is himself. Our protagonist stumbles around New Orleans, getting into all kinds of trouble, as he gathers evidence against the likely perp, a local drug dealer named Big Fate (Xzibit). McDonagh has shades of the great stoner detectives—The Dude, Doc Sportello, Altman’s Philip Marlowe—only he doesn’t shy away from conflict; he seeks it out like a commuter with low blood sugar.

His biggest meltdown arrives in a luxury nursing home. McDonagh’s there to interrogate Binnie, a nursing home assistant, on the whereabouts of her grandson. In the script, he badgers Binnie and a patient in her care, an elderly woman in a wheelchair. Binnie refuses to talk—until McDonagh cuts off the patient’s oxygen supply. Aghast, Binnie gives up her grandson’s location. McDonagh reattaches the oxygen tubes, having extracted the information he needs to move the plot forward, and leaves. End scene.

This two-page exchange runs a sadistic three minutes in Bad Lieutenant. The unscripted touches start right away: Cage hides behind the old lady’s bedroom door as she enters, surreally shaving with an electric razor. He attacks this material with the whisper-or-scream volatility of his famed freakouts. Dialogue-wise, he sticks to Finkelstein’s words for the first two minutes, drawing out lines like “Children...were executed” for maximum menace. From there, he transforms the moment into macabre humor. Cage introduces a gun into the scene, shoving it up against Binnie’s temple as he fumes, “Where the fuck is he?” Once he gets his answer, Cage extends the scene with a virtuoso verbal assault on the old lady. “Maybe you should drop dead you selfish cunt!” he erupts after a few seconds of silence.

It’s too much to print here in full. You can find it in any Nic Cage supercut worth your time.

“You’re the fucking reason this country’s going down the drain!” he screams to close the scene, a head-spinning non-sequitur from a character who’s never expressed concern for the state of the nation.

For Finkelstein, the scene was way too much.

“When I first saw it I thought, ‘Wow, we can’t do this,’” he said. “‘This is terrible. It’s so extreme. It takes us out of the scene.”

Finkelstein wrote the sequence as an homage to the 1947 noir Kiss of Death, in which Richard Widmark shoves a woman in a wheelchair down a flight of stairs. He saw an early cut of the film and dined that night at Herzog’s house. He decided, rather than suggest a dozen small edits, he would focus on two or three big asks. This scene was one of them. Cage’s assault serves no real purpose. It’s just a full minute of over-the-top Cage rage. I’d imagine most writers would question the inclusion of such a tone-shattering addition to their script. Herzog overruled him.

“I saw it again at the premiere, and I’m sitting there in the theater and I just loved it,” Finkelstein said. “I thought it was funny as hell. The extreme nature of the annunciation is what sold it. I think I was a little conservative, a little cautious.”

“I was so happy that nobody listened to me in the end,” he said.

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“What’re these fucking iguanas doing on my coffee table?”

Little can prepare first-time viewers of Bad Lieutenant for the iguana interlude. In perhaps Herzog’s most ostentatious addition to the script, he stretches less than a page of script action here into two minutes of on-screen delirium. It’s the film’s most infamous scene, a narrative and aesthetic sideswipe of the highest order.

On the page, the moment unfolds without much incident. McDonagh arrives in an apartment being used to surveil a drug dealer. He has a routine exchange with two officers about the suspect’s whereabouts. McDonagh and Stevie (Val Kilmer) disagree about whether to call the SWAT team. Soon, all five cops leave to apprehend the suspect. No outbursts, no obscenities, no iguanas.

In the film, Herzog opens this sequence with a shot of Cage snorting heroin in a bathroom stall. This bit appears elsewhere in the script; Herzog moves it here, we can presume, to prime us for the psychedelic journey to come.

Cage enters the surveillance site with an un-holstered gun comically bulging out of his pants. Finkelstein was on set the day Cage decided to wear his gun like this throughout the film. Initially, he felt compelled to protest.

“There’s times when an actor wants something like this, and you got to say no,” Finkelstein said. Having worked on cop dramas for decades, he took pride in getting these details right.

“Cops don’t carry their guns like that,” he said. “But as extravagant as this was as a gesture, Nic understood something about this character. He was playing this guy bigger than I’d imagined, but in fact he was right and I was too cautious.”

Heroin in his veins, gun in his groin, Cage storms into the scene and spots two iguanas matter-of-factly lounging on a coffee table. He stutters in extreme agitation, turning script lines like “Let ’em stay there” to “Naw! No...just no SWAT, let ’em stay there.” He then drifts into a fugue state with the invisible iguanas. Amid a story of cops and criminals, Herzog asks us to stare at garish close-ups of the animals for 60-some seconds. Louisiana native Johnny Adams wails on the soundtrack. To make the narrative rupture even more pronounced, he films the ordeal in ugly, consumer-grade digital video.

I’m not so concerned with what this all means. Animals and nature have long fascinated Herzog, from the “fiendish stupidity” of chickens to the “obscene, explicit malice” of the jungle. Animals permeate Bad Lieutenant—fish, iguanas, gators—and almost all of them were introduced by Herzog. As a viewer, a part of me wants to rationalize these moments. Perhaps Hurricane Katrina’s floodwaters brought the wilderness into the city, turning New Orleans into a literal asphalt jungle? Or maybe it’s more intuitive: “There is nothing more wondrous,” Herzog has said, “than seeing Nicolas Cage and a lizard together in one shot.”

Finkelstein gave his blessing for the iguana hallucination, despite its total disruption of the story. The scene came at the expense of an action sequence Finkelstein had written. In the shooting screenplay, Cage’s character has a coke-fueled fight with some strangers at a gas station. Herzog refused to shoot the scene to ensure his iguanas made the final cut. Finkelstein tried to sell him on the merits of the rest stop melee, and lost.

“Herzog said ‘I think we’re going to go long, and then [the producers] are going to make me lose my iguanas—and if they make me lose my iguanas I feel like I can’t be a filmmaker anymore,’” Finkelstein recalled. “And I thought ‘Whoa, this cat is serious. He’s not fucking around.’ I just had so much respect for him as an artist. I didn’t give a good goddamn if he shot the scene or not once he said that. That beats anything.”

---

“To the break of daaaawn, baby!”

Bad Lieutenant’s script detours tend to arrive at the start or end of a given scene. Consider the above examples: Herzog and Cage hit the scenes’ narrative beats, and then they start riffing. As Finkelstein put it, the two “always knew what had to happen in the scene.” Once they hit those notes, they had carte blanche to treat the script like mere bullet points to a freeform lecture of their choosing.

“Nicolas knew that sometimes after a scene was shot I would not shut down the camera if I sensed there was more to it,” Herzog wrote in 2009. “I simply would not call ‘cut’ and leave him exposed and suspended under the pressure of the moment.”

The film’s catchphrase grew from this loose set dynamic. Toward the end of Bad Lieutenant, Cage’s character cons Big Fate to both gather evidence against him and score some of his drugs. In the script, McDonagh, Big Fate, and his men share a moment together after a successful drug deal. McDonagh demands his cut of the money and a cut of the drugs. He pulls a gun on Big Fate and wins the exchange, closing the scene with an unambiguous threat to a car full of drug dealers: “I’ll kill all of you.”

Cage doesn’t end the scene there. To begin, he colors the exchange with spastic ad libs like “Sup!” to get the men’s attention. The actors stray from the particulars of the screenplay, but they convey all the key information to move the story forward. Then the scene trails off into loopy nonsense. Cage waves his gun around like a toy and, sensing radio silence, mutters—and then roars—“I’ll kill all of you...to the break of dawn. To the break of daaaaawn, baby!”

You can see the smirk sneak onto Cage’s face just before he opens his mouth. Clearly pleased with himself, he delivers the line with the Elvis-like drawl he used in Wild at Heart. All four actors erupt in laughter, and suddenly it’s as though we’re watching a closing credits gag reel. Cage swings the mood from sinister to silly; Herzog, the enabler, lets him get away with it.

“This was pure Nic,” Finkelstein said. “That was one of my favorite moments because he can’t help but get this smile on his face when he says it. He’s so enthused.”

I smiled, myself, upon hearing this. As a viewer, I’d long wondered if Finkelstein found moments like this offensive. Here’s Cage, after all, undercutting his words, cracking up fellow actors for kicks. It could be interpreted as mockery. For Finkelstein, though, Cage’s untethered rambles “all seemed to work of a piece.” Finkelstein had years of experience making on-set changes to other writers’ scripts as a TV showrunner. His words, he told me, need not be “cherished” by an actor struck with inspiration.

“The story felt like it could incorporate all that,” he said. “There was a basis for it because this guy was fucked up all the time.”

---

“Shoot him again...his soul is still dancing.”

The script revisions get downright operatic by the film’s climactic shootout. Over an eternal five and a half minutes, Cage and Herzog here transform the script’s most violent moment into a surreal and comic medley of their wildest impulses.

They make far too many edits to detail them all. In Finkelstein’s text, the scene begins as a meeting between Big Fate, his henchmen, and McDonagh. Spirits high, McDonagh smokes crack with the men to test out their new product. He proposes that, in lieu of his cash payment, he gets a cut of the dope. The men agree, and McDonagh spoons his share into a baggie. He then invites Big Fate to take a hit from his “lucky crack pipe.” McDonagh, we later learn, will plant the pipe at a crime scene to seal his case against Big Fate.

A trio of thuggish debt collectors arrives at Big Fate’s home to shake down McDonagh for the money he owes them. McDonagh suggests they take his dope as payment; the head gangster, Dave, threatens to take all of the dope, Big Fate’s included. A tense moment follows. The debt collectors reach for the dope on the table; Big Fate and his men shoot all three of them. “Clean this shit up,” Big Fate says to close the scene.

Cage and Herzog’s gonzo take on this material is at once faithful and ludicrous. The scene begins, as in the script, with the characters in a celebratory mood. The four men smoke as Xzibit orders his men to “light the Caucasian’s rock”—the first of many ad libs smuggled into the scene. For Cage, the drugs are a green light to go berserk. He proposes a business idea and explodes into a pipe-bursting laugh few on this earth could imitate. From there, the floodgates open. Cage runs through a nonsense story about a football player who sprouts antlers. We’ve all been there: loaded, desperate to tell a story with no point. Wild-eyed and blissed-out, he ends the unscripted monologue with another abrasive laugh. Pure Cage, uncaged.

Xzibit and his men worry Cage might die from the crack intake. Here, the actors use snippets of Finkelstein’s dialogue about other drug users dying and apply it to Cage, given how feral he’s decided to play the scene. “Easy, easy, easy...cuz I’m not Eazy-E!” Cage retorts, another improv line that makes Xzibit laugh.

From there, the scene plays out as written for two minutes. Finkelstein, a native New Yorker with an agreeably gruff voice, plays Dave, the lead debt collector. The confrontation between him, Xzibit, and Cage ends in a shootout set to “Lost John,” the same song Herzog used for the dancing chicken sequence in Stroszek.

Cage then passes the freak flag to Herzog. Instead of “clean this shit up,” Herzog has Cage implore the gangsters to shoot Finkelstein again because “his soul is still dancing.” Cage erupts into his asthmatic laugh as Herzog pans to reveal a breakdancer dressed like Finkelstein spinning near his dead body. Cage stares ahead, transfixed by the breakdancing soul. An iguana saunters through the room, an emblem of his hallucination. A shootout has devolved into a freakout.

None of this, of course, was scripted. It’s all too perfect: A screenwriter gets his work butchered, and then he gets killed on camera. Finkelstein called these edits “happy bastardizations.”

“Some of that big shootout was improvised, yeah,” he said. “That thing about the gazelle sprouting antlers, Cage made that up. The breakdancing was Werner. Absolutely Werner.”

Finkelstein compared Bad Lieutenant to other gangster films freed from the shackles of genre, from Breathless to the crime dramas of Jean-Pierre Melville. He also likened it to Cop Rock, a short-lived ABC show he co-created. A true curio, the 1990 show operated as part cop drama, part musical. It was a fascinating, supremely awkward marriage. “Audiences were not happily startled,” as Finkelstein put it. Though he didn’t write it that way, Bad Lieutenant became a similar experiment in police procedural storytelling.

“There’s a tradition of being able to take the form and blow it up and make a movie that’s more lyrical and not realistic,” he said. “I think that’s what we all wound up doing.”

---

Who captains this ship? The answer changes from scene to scene, shot to shot, line to line. A big-name actor, an art-house iconoclast, and a veteran TV writer each take turns steering. Finkelstein guides much of the first act; his instincts as a successful writer/producer orient viewers into this world. Herzog takes the film on its strangest journeys, refashioning this material into an exploration of what he calls “the bliss of evil.” And Cage grabs the mic like a drunk wedding guest, holding viewers hostage to his artful, overlong eruptions. Each contributor has his marquee moments. Like a stoner pizza topped with cream cheese, bacon, and Nutella, it shouldn’t work—but it does.

Bad Lieutenant reveals cinema for what it is: a messily collaborative medium. Every film is the work of many voices. What makes the film wonderful is that, despite their strong and distinct personalities, Cage, Herzog, and Finkelstein’s voices don’t compete; they complement. They produce a sound neither could create on his own.

Finkelstein stressed this point throughout our talks. His impulses did, at times, conflict with the liberties taken to his work. He returned several times to Cage’s unhinged attack in the nursing home. Finkelstein’s voice, calibrated over decades on television, couldn’t make sense of such excess. Of course he came around. Had he been in charge that day, though, he “almost assuredly would have pulled back,” he told me. “That Nic didn’t is a testament to one of the joys of a collaborative process.”

The word “alchemy” feels appropriate for a film this volatile. To watch Bad Lieutenant is to witness a bizarre and unlikely combination of elements collide on a screen. We’ve seen these elements before, in isolation: Cage’s tantrums, Herzog’s lyricism, Finkelstein’s cop drama chops. Together, they produce something new, unclassifiable—a drug you’ve never taken before. As with all great cult films, my recommendation comes with a warning: Be careful. It’ll mess with your head.

#werner herzog #nic cage #nicolas cage #william finkelstein #bad lieutenant #bad lieutenant: port of call new orleans #xzibit #val kilmer #abel ferrara #nypd blue #law & order #iguana

[seal-writes-stuff]

Dental and Mental

Word count: 1.3k

Warnings: F!Reader, swearing, drug use, canon-compliant weird situations

Summary: All you wanted to do today is go to the dentist. But, just as everything else in Gordita Beach, it’s not that simple.

A/N: Hi friends! Hear me out – a scene from canon… But make it a self-insert fic. I’ve had this idea bouncing in my head for a while, so I’m glad to finally get it out. Hope you enjoy!

“Hello?” you knock a few times, still unsure if you’ve got the right place. After getting no answer, you push the door open without invitation. “Excuse me, I just wanted to-”

You don’t finish the sentence – frankly, you just can’t. The whole thing is so bizarre that you’re not even sure where to look.

Maybe at the giant fake fish at the ceiling? Usually you wouldn’t mind, but what the hell is it even doing in the dentist’s office?

Or maybe you should focus on the disheveled-looking girl instead? The one half-hugging a man two or three times her age, give or take. None of your business, of course, but her big-eyed look with mascara smudged all over her face is a strong indicator of something being up. In any case, she stares right back at you, the way one would stare at the raccoon in the middle of their kitchen. Confused and even a bit offended.

Or maybe, possibly, you could focus on your boyfriend, who’s currently sitting in front of the biggest pile of cocaine you’ve ever seen. Or, to be more accurate, in front of what’s left of said pile.

Come to think of it, the fake fish doesn’t sound so bad after all.

“Can I help you, miss?”

Dr. Blatnoyd – and you’re pretty sure that’s him – finally takes you out of your thoughts and back into the office. Big-eyed girl’s eyes get even bigger; they adopts a hint of vigilance that definitely wasn’t there before. You decide to ignore it in favor of more pressing matters.

“Uh…” you glance at Doc, who just gives you a helpless look in response. “You know what, never mind. I was looking for an exit.”

“Well, not to be rude, but we’re a little busy here, so-”

“I’m not!” Doc leaps from his seat immediately, grabbing your hand with a joking half-bow. “Ma’am, allow me?”

“And they say chivalry is dead,” you nod, trying to hold in a giggle when he presses a kiss to your knuckles. “Allowed. Let’s go, babe.”

Blatnoyd mutters something about the two of you getting a room - you barely keep yourself from rolling your eyes. Fuck this guy, you think. You knew him for thirty seconds at most and didn’t enjoy a single one.

***

You turn to Doc the second you’re out of the door.

“Hey, wha-”

“Hi,” he swoops you in for a big hug before covering the crook of your neck in small, quick kisses. “I’ve missed you so much. What are you doing here?”

“Let me go!” you laugh before grabbing his face, running your thumbs over his sideburns. “Dental check-up. What are you doing here?”

“Work. Well- Long story, but it’s all good. I’m onto something there, I just know it.”

“No doubt about it,” you shift your hand to brush your thumb under Doc’s nose, touching the scar on his upper lip. “You know, I haven’t seen this much, uh, work ever before, even on TV. That’s really impressive, honestly.”

“What?” Doc frowns before his eyebrows shoot up. “Oh, that- Um, I know how it looks, but it’s not really-”

“Mr. Sportello, do I look like a cop to you? Do whatever you want. Just…”

“Hmm?”

“Just be careful, okay? I mean, I’m-I’m sure you know what you’re doing, it’s just all a bit-”

“Yeah, of course,” Doc’s tone suddenly shifts to extremely serious as he presses your foreheads together. “Of course. I’ve got this. Don’t worry about me, alright?”

“Too late for that,” you mumble, pushing a loose strand behind his ear. Despite all the chaos, you love him – you’ve never doubted it before and you definitely don’t doubt it now. You wouldn’t ever change it. You wouldn’t want him to change.

You almost lean closer…

But right when you’re about to kiss, the door of the dental office creaks open. A big-eyes girl shows her face once again.

“Uh, hello?” your gaze shifts between her and Doc. “I mean, hello again. Look -”

“Your appointment,” she hands you a piece of paper with something scribbled on it. You take it, too dumbfounded to refuse. “Don’t be late.”

Before you can give her anything resembling an answer, the girl shuts the door in one quick motion, leaving you and Doc alone once again. Your boyfriend doesn’t seem too fazed.

But then again, does he ever?

“Is she… Okay?” you nod towards the door. “I mean… You saw it, man, something’s up.”

“Oh, Japonica? She’s fine,” Doc passes a hand over his face. “Well, he’s not holding her hostage. She kind of escaped an, uh, institution her father put her in, but it’s fine. It’s her, um, fifth time, I think? That’s what she wants. So all in all-”

Doc cuts himself off mid-sentence, probably noticing your shocked expression. You don’t even know what to say at this point.

“God, this town is fucking weird,” taking in Doc’s apologetic expression, you can’t help but soften up. You bury your fingers in his hair, looking at him with love. “Good thing you’re a part of it too.”

“I could say the same,” Doc cups your face, brushing his fingers over your mouth. His eyes wander to your lips…

And once again, before anything has an even slightest chance of happening, in comes a guy with a torn-off steering wheel. The lost look on his face is a cherry on top.

Of course, you think, why not. That might as well happen.

“Hey man, I'm so- Oh, hey Y/N!” he waves at you awkwardly. You’ve never seen the man before in your life. This clears up nothing, and Doc doesn’t bother with an explanation either.

That’s when you finally give up. If there’s ever a time to go with the flow, it’s now. Yet before you can say anything, Doc interjects.

“Dennis, where’s the- Is that my steering wheel?”

The guy with a wheel – Dennis – falls silent in quiet fear, probably noticing the way you’re looking at him. You decide to play along.

“Yeah, Dennis, is it? Choose your words carefully, man.”

“Hey,” Doc’s palm travels up your back, stopping right at the base of your neck. You scoff.

“What? He’s torn off your fucking- You know what, never mind. It’s not my bullshit, no offence.”

Doc just shrugs in response. Dennis, now even more confused, simply does his best to blend into the background. You graciously let him, looking at your boyfriend once again.

“You’ll be okay? I’ve kind of got places to be, so…”

“Huh? Oh yeah, yeah, sure. I’ll be home by dinner. Probably.”

“Wow, aren’t I the luckiest girl alive,” you press a quick kiss to Doc’s lips, earning a chuckle from him.

“You know me. I’m a catch.”

Dennis clears his throat awkwardly. You finally decide to spare him; torn-off steering wheel aside, the poor guy seems stressed enough.

“Alright, alright, I’m done here. Take care, babe.”

“Will do.”

You squeeze Doc in a tight hug, a sudden wave of calmness washing over you. Everything will be alright, you think. It can’t be any other way.

With that, you throw the last stern look in the Dennis’ direction before finally leaving for good. There’s some commotion still happening next to Blatnoyd’s office, but you force yourself to tune it out for your own peace of mind. As you reach into your pocket, you find a scrap of paper once again – an appointment, of course. Despite everything, you make a mental note to come back later, if only out of morbid curiosity.

Surely nothing will get in the way of that.

#doc sportello #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin phoenix imagine #inherent vice #seal writes

[seal-writes-stuff]

You Could Use a Keeper

Word count: 1.9k

Warnings: swearing, recreational drug use, mentions of violence, arguing

Summary: Doc is one of the most compassionate people you’ve ever met and that’s great. Most of the time.

A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry I’ve disappeared for a while (as I tend to do lmao). I’ve been busy this month and also hit a giant writer’s block, so I’m trying to get out of it little by little. I’m still working on requests, but for now here’s a little idea that’s been on my mind for some time. Hope you enjoy!

The door closes. Well, the door would close if it wasn’t lying on the floor, blown off its hinges. You and Doc are alone again, stunned silence filling the apartment. You turn to him, eyes wide.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Uh, Bigfoot?” he looks at the tray, which is now empty, and frowns. “Uh, don’t we have anything left? I think I’ve-”

“Don’t change the subject!” you march across the room and sit next to Doc, grabbing his face. “What. The fuck. Was that?”

“What do you want to know?” he manages to say, despite the way you’re squishing his cheeks. “Um, can you please…”

“Oh, where to start,” you let go of his face, pointing at the empty doorframe. “First of all, pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“Agreed.”

“Second of all, what the hell was he talking about? And finally,” you pick up the tray, giving it a shake for emphasis. “Did he just eat a tray of fucking weed? You saw that too, right?”

“Well, okay, that… That was unexpected, I’ll tell you that.”

“And the rest of it wasn’t? He kicked our door down!”

“Why do you think they call him Bigfoot?”

“I… Huh,” you tilt your head. “And nobody’s doing anything about it? Why?”

“I don’t know about other people, but – life goes on, you know? There are bigger things to worry about.”

You open your mouth to reply, then close it again, staring at the ceiling for a few seconds. The more time you spend here, the more you’re convinced - nobody, not a single resident of this town acts like a normal person.

Come to think of it, maybe that notion includes you as well.

You take a deep breath, rubbing your eyes.

“Alright. Okay. Cool. I hear ya,” when you open your eyes, you can see Doc’s getting just a little bit agitated, but continue anyway. “Tell me then, what was that shit about a keeper?”

“A… A keeper?”

“Yeah, you’ve just said it! Like, two minutes ago. That he could use a keeper.”

“Ah,” he’s relaxed again. For once, you feel nothing but annoyance at that. “You saw how he is, come on. He’s in a tough spot. Figured he could use some help.”

“He’s in a… Great! Who cares? I wish the spot was tougher, actually. It’s Bigfoot, dude.”

“You’re harsh.”

“I don’t give a shit. He’s fucking awful. Didn’t he almost break your ribs the other day?”

“Y/N-”

“Or-or remember when he made sure I’ve sat at the cop station for three hours for the crime of, like, being around you? Oh, or that other time when he knew a fucking nazi gang was onto you and did fuck-all cause-”

“I know, I know!” he raises his hands in a defensive gesture. “But he still deserves some compassion, don’t ya think? I mean-”

“No I don’t! Since when are we singing Kumbaya with cops? With Bigfoot?”

“Y/N,” Doc looks right at you, a clear irritation in his voice for the first time since… Probably since you’ve met him. “We aren’t doing anything. I’m not forcing you to anything. Why do you care anyway?”

“Well, I don’t know, because you’re my boyfriend? Because I care about you?”

“Did I ask you to?”

The words cut right through you. Regret flashes across Doc’s eyes, but it’s too late.

“Shit, I didn’t-”

“Wow.”

“Y/N, wait, that-that’s not what I-”

“No, I get it” you blink a few times to stop yourself from crying. “You really didn’t ask me to, huh?”

Doc tries to say something, yet his words escape you. You turn away, trying to ignore him, even though everything that’s in you tells you not to do that. You know it’s stupid, you know you should talk it out, but the hurt you feel is too strong.

You need to get out of here.

“Where are you going?”

You’re pretty sure you hear a crack in his voice, but shake the thought immediately. Probably just your imagination.

“Out,” you fix the bag strap on your shoulder, looking away, “Goodbye”.

“I love you”.

You almost say it back – something so natural – but stop yourself in the last moment. You look at him as sadness chokes you, stepping out of your shared apartment without a word. After all, maybe neither of you should try.

***

The evening comes and goes by. Doc still doesn’t know where you are.

He sits on the couch rolling another joint, but this doesn’t calm him down the way it usually does. TV drones on in the background; Doc’s not paying attention. His mind is elsewhere, and that “elsewhere” isn’t good.

Even with all of the weed, Doc is still unable to shake the guilt that’s drowning him, coursing through his veins. He really fucked up tonight, yet no amount of regret is going to change that.

You've always been protective. Ever since you’ve started dating, you were ready to all but fight people on his behalf, something that nobody has ever done for him before. Something that has never failed to warm Doc's heart - you've always been there for him. Despite all of his flaws, despite all of the crazy situations he’s gotten himself into you’ve never been anything but loving.

And that’s how he repaid you?

Maybe he was wrong, Doc thinks. Maybe he’s the one who could use a keeper. Except his keeper is gone now and he doesn’t know what to do.

What's worse, though, is that Doc doesn't even know where you are. You're not at work, you're not home – so where are you? What if something happens? What if you get hurt because of him? What if-

The door, now back where it should be, opens, interrupting his thought spiral. Before he can even realize it, Doc finds himself right by the entrance, watching you slip your shoes off.

“Y/N, I-”

“Larry,” you nod in his general direction with all the gentleness of a face slap. You don’t wait for his response, marching straight to the bedroom and closing the door behind you. As the silence settles again, Doc sinks into the couch, defeated. Well, it’s official now – you hate him. He’s ruined it all once again.

And yet, despite everything, you’re still here. Still want him. The thought is reassuring, if only a little.

Finally, after what feels like forever you emerge once again, plopping on the other end of the couch. Doc doesn’t move, throwing anxious glances your way from time to time – as if you’re going to vanish in the thin air if he makes the wrong move. You clearly don’t want to talk, though: Doc’s pretty sure the temperature in the room is dropping from the vibrations alone, in spite of the hot Californian weather outside.

Fuck it, he thinks. Someone has to talk. Someone has to put an end to this.

“Seriously? Larry? Ouch.”

“You know what you did.”

“I do,” he stares at the floor, trying to find the right words, “I, uh, I thought you left.”

You look at him, concerned. Your face is still motionless, but your eyes are full of remorse – and hurt. Before Doc can say anything else, you speak up.

“I…” you clear your throat. “No, I’ve just had an evening shift. That’s all.”

“Oh. Okay. Great. So, um… How was it?”

“Fine.”

Just like that, the moment is gone. You stare back at the TV with a sad frown, trying your best to avoid looking at him. Doc moves an inch closer; you don’t seem to mind, so it encourages him to continue.

And continue he does.

“Don’t even try it, Sportello. I’m still angry.”

Shit.

“Try what?”

“You think I’m dumb or something?”

“No-o-o..?”

“You…” you cut yourself off, shaking your head. “Whatever, man.”

“Okay.”

He freezes in an awkward position which probably cuts some parts of his blood flow off, but it doesn’t matter. A few more minutes pass by before you finally give in.

“Seriously?”

“Hm?”

“You arm will go dead if you keep it up.”

“I have another.”

“Oh my god,” you roll your eyes, yet there’s a smile in your voice. You pat your thigh. “Alright, come here.”

You don’t have to ask twice. Doc puts his head on your lap, nuzzling his cheek into your leg. A few minutes later, your hands come to his head, scratching his scalp. Doc barely holds himself from purring at the sensation; still, he feels extremely focused for once. He knows what he needs to do.

It’s now or never.

“I’m sorry for today. You’ve tried to look out for me and I pushed you away. That wasn’t right.”

You sigh, still playing with his hair.

“It’s okay,” there’s sadness in your voice, and Doc’s heart aches. “Sorry I yelled at you. I should’ve been nicer about it. I know you can figure it out, I didn’t have to insert myself.”

“I like that you care.”

“And I don’t want you to change at all.”

Both of you fall quiet again, silence wrapping you in its soft embrace. This time, however, it’s warm and comfortable, the kind of silence that makes Doc’s heart full. He smiles and leans into your touch; you trace his features while gently untangling the knots in his hair.

“Hey Doc, there’s this brand new invention, not sure if you’ve heard of it. It’s called a hairbrush.”

“O-o-oh, sweet. What does it do?”

“You won’t believe it, man.”

He laughs. You bend over to place a small kiss on his hairline, a smile playing on your lips.

“Look, Bigfoot’s an asshole, okay? That’s a given, I’m not defending this guy,” he doesn’t miss the doubt in your eyes, but continues anyway. “I just don’t want to kick a man when he’s down, y’know? Once he gets over it, we’ll return to the usual program.”

“Ha!” you smile, tucking a curly lock behind Doc’s ear. “He has no problem kicking people when they’re down though. Literally.”

“But we’re not like him.”

“Guess so,” you sigh. “Yeah, I get it, I get it all, it’s just… I hate this. I hate when people get some fucking… Crumbs of power and become absolute dicks. And I- I just want you to be okay, and-”

“Hey, hey, it's alright,” Doc sits up, covering your face in soft, comforting kisses. “I know, baby. I know.”

The moment is quiet and sweet – all is well in the world. Doc feels how you your fingers travel up and down his back, sending shivers down his spine.

“I love you, man” you capture his lips in a kiss, pressing your foreheads together. “You’re lucky you’re so cute. It’s, like, impossible to be mad at you, that’s crazy.”

“Well, I’ll keep that in mi- Hey!”

An ad with Bigfoot playing an embarrassingly fake hippie comes on TV. Neither of you notice or care.

#doc sportello #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin phoenix imagine #inherent vice #seal writes

[seal-writes-stuff]

Dating Doc Sportello Headcanons

Word count: 1k

Warnings: mentions of drug use

Summary: all in the title

A/N: Hello-hello! It’s been a while, glad to be back. Also fun fact: “Inherent Vice” was the first Joaquin film I’ve ever seen, so this is where it all started lmao. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

You start out as friends. One hangout turns to five, five to ten and here you are, seeing each other every day and every time you can. Doc doesn’t seem to mind and you sure aren’t complaining. He’s easy to talk to and easy on the eyes, too.

Despite his chill facade, Doc doesn’t have the highest self-esteem, so he's always low-key amazed that you choose to hang around. On the other hand, you’re always low-key amazed that Doc, the most kind, loving and interesting dude you’ve ever met, just… Doesn’t see any of that in himself. Well, you’re sure to remind him.

He’s very supportive of your dreams, even if everyone else finds them weird or unrealistic. You want to move to the mountains and raise alpacas? Hell yeah, good for you. Just knowing someone has your back like that is heartwarming to you.

This guy’s an open book. Doc doesn’t have any secrets from you, you just need to ask – and sometimes you don’t even need that. It got to the point where he started to vent about his past relationships to you, a lot. You endured the exes talk as long as you could (after all, that’s what friends are for, right?) before finally giving up and asking him to stop. He did. And that was the exact moment that gave you your “oh”.

Doc doesn’t get it for a very long time though. Yes, he’s smart and connecting the dots is the literal definition of his job. No, he won’t realize you have feelings for him unless you tell him that to his face. This leads to the most awkward love confession in your life; the only upside is him returning it in a heartbeat.

Doc’s extremely loyal, despite what some people might think. Once you get together, he only has eyes for you, no question about it. But even before that, his mind used to wander back to you again and again, especially late at night. It was really only a matter of time.

Doc’s not that worried about labeling your relationship. Of course, he’ll do it if it makes you happy, but it’s not a huge concern for him. He knows he loves you, he knows you love him back and it’s all that matters. Still, there is something nice about you calling him your boyfriend… He’s not the one to question nice things in his life, he just enjoys them.

He won’t pressure you into smoking weed, but he’ll probably offer. If it’s your first time, he suddenly turns into a mother hen and does everything to make sure you’re having a good time, staying by your side the whole way through.

Time is relative, and with Doc you sure know all about it. “Yeah, I’ll be home soon” from him might mean anything from an hour to three days. You do get annoyed, but it doesn’t last – you couldn’t stay mad at him for too long even if you tried.

He’s not the jealous type, so you can hang out with anyone as much as you like. When Doc does get jealous though, it results in him assuming you’re pretty much done with him and sulking about it in private. You do notice though, and make sure to give Doc some affection. There’s no way in hell you’d just up and leave him like he thinks you would.

You, however, are a jealous type – in a way. You never doubt Doc’s loyalty, but you do feel a certain way when you notice different girls giving him bedroom eyes here and there. Doc usually just laughs it off and pulls you in for a few extra kisses to make sure you never forget how much he loves you.

No matter how much you’ve hated the cops before, prepare to really, really hate the cops now. Bigfoot’s hate-fueled, completely unfounded crusade leaves you especially angry. Is there truly nothing more worthy of the law enforcements attention in Gordita Beach than Doc simply doing his thing? Doc even has to cool you off sometimes – after all, picking fight with the police is not the best idea.

By the way, he almost begs you not to get in trouble for his sake. Both of you know his job is way too chaotic sometimes, but Doc assures you he can handle it. What he doesn’t tell you is that he wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to you because of him. So he doesn’t want you to protect him. You still try though.

Doc’s somehow very romantic without really realizing it. For him, midnight road trips or hanging around the town, taking every opportunity to steal a kiss, is something that comes naturally. It leaves you totally lovestruck every time.

He’s very tactile. Holding your hand in public, putting his head on your shoulder during the quiet moments together, hugging “hello”, “goodbye” and for no reason at all. His hands are wandering all over you when you’re cuddling as he snuggles closer. The way you lean into his touch never fails to make Doc’s heart melt.

Doc always has some wild story to tell – and, to your absolute shock, thinks none of it is really all that special. You’re his most attentive audience, to the point it makes him flustered. You think your life is incredibly boring compared to his, but he disagrees – Doc loves listening to you too, even if it’s the most mundane stuff.

Hanging out at the beach is a must. Doc’s not the one for fancy dates and neither are you, so this is a perfect spot. Most of the time, you don’t even need words – you have a great company and it’s more than enough.

All in all, Doc thinks he’s all over the place, but if you’re here for him, he must be doing something right. You think he’s perfect for you and you’d never ask him to change, and that’s all he needs to be reassured.

#doc sportello #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin phoenix imagine #inherent vice #seal writes

[darknessisafriend]

hi, could you please do c, o, q, r, s and z for doc sportello from the sfw alphabet? btw i absolutely love your writing, hope you're doing well💖

Hiiii! Yes I’m doing great! very busy but always a pleasure to write your request guys! Sorry for the time it took me to answer to your request but now here it is!! I hope you will enjoy it :) 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Doc is a very touchy-feely guy, which means he is very cuddly in general and even more so with you. He loves the feeling it procures him; it is a similar pleasure to the drugs he takes and just as addictive.

Doc has two ways of cuddling; the first one by wrapping his arms around your waist, pressing his body against yours and his face buried in your neck, it is a very comforting position and gives him the peaceful feeling he seeks. The second one and his favorite is putting his arms around your neck; he noticed it always had this big effect on people, it brought you like a strong feeling of safety and intimacy.

When cuddling in bed, Doc is definitely the big spoon. He is protective, he likes to make you feel safe, make sure you are there in his arms, the whole night.

Doc loves cuddling with you when you watch Tv together. You usually sit astride him, laying down your chest against his, the top of your head under his chin, your legs entwinned. His hands never stop stroking your back, usually underneath your shirt.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

Doc isn’t ashamed to share how he feels; so, if he doesn’t like someone, he says it. Though it is something rare, Doc just loves people in general. Now, when he is in love with you, he will tell you instantly and without filter. He loves life and enjoys every second of it, and that includes sharing everything about him with you. And he expects the same from a lover.

 He will easily share things about him. He wants to be honest with you and he will do it as soon as you are good friends or as soon as he starts dating you.  

 However, when it comes to talking about bad memories or tough moments, Doc will need a bit more time. He is a very sensitive man and talking about bad memories hurts him as if it happened yesterday, it wouldn’t be a surprise if he started crying about it. He will probably do it while smoking a joint, in your arms, fully relaxed.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Doc does observe you a lot, it’s professional tic. And to be honest, he enjoys watching you, he fell in love with each of your gestures and little tics. He finds some adorable, some others funny or even fascinating; he could literally make a list of them.  

 So naturally, he knows your habits by heart. And he would quickly worry if for example you are not coming to see him today or that you are very late. Though, he won’t get paranoid, he would just smoke a lot and anxiously wait. And if it seems really strange to him, like still no news in the middle of the night, he will definitely give you a phone call, just to make sure you are okay. He would be understanding if you had too much work and are too tired to come to him, but he might sulk a little.

 He wouldn’t remember every single thing you mention. First, because he’s high most of the time and it kinda makes him forget; second, he thinks about many things at the same time and can get easily distracted. But that doesn’t mean he won’t remember a few things, because it will seem so important to him that it will stay engrave in his mind, actually he would even get obsessive about it.

 However, if Doc does really forget something important, like a date with you for example. He would do anything to make himself forgiven; though at first, he might be like “Okay, I’ve forgotten about it and I’m sorry but please stop making a whole fuss about it.” Which would make you even more annoyed. But then, the next day, he would make sure to spend time with you, even the whole day together, taking a walk, making love, and all sort of other things.

 R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Doc ‘s favorite moment was when you both went to your favorite restaurant for takeout dinner. You went by the sea and sat under a tree near a cliff to watch the sunset as you ate. It was just so peaceful, very little noise from the city, just the sound of the waves hitting the cliff and the seagulls flying around. You stayed snuggled again him until the stars were high in the sky and clearly visible. You had talked very little with Doc, you didn’t need too, your looks, touch, was enough to understand each other.

  And then there is another moment Doc cherishes every day; watching you wake up, the way the light hits your skin, your slow breathing, the way a little smile slowly forms on your face as he strokes your lower lip.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Doc is super protective of you but that doesn’t mean he is going to cling onto you like a bodyguard or call you every hour, no; he leaves you your freedom.  

 When you take your car especially in the evening or even at night, Doc likes to escort you until you are in it and engine started; he knows how many people are attacked when they are busy getting in their car. Even if he’s just a PI and not a cop, he sometimes lectures you on how to be careful in certain places or situations.

And he would get really if you put yourself at risk, even though he had warned you and you took the risk anyway.  

 Doc doesn’t want you to protect him, he doesn’t need it as he says. And he would hate it if you put yourself in big trouble for him. Though, sometimes he would find it adorable and appreciates that you want to protect him so much.  

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

First, Doc has a very irregular sleep, he can sleep for 16 hours straight and another day sleep an hour or two.

 He does enjoy getting into bed late, enjoy the night, going out, watching a movie and wake up a bit later, to enjoy morning by your side.

He mostly sleeps on his stomach, an arm loosely wrapped around your waist. And when he sleeps, he sleeps deeply, you could literally jump on the bed that he wouldn’t wake up.

 He doesn’t snore but sometimes he mumbles in his sleep. Mostly when he is on an investigation, it seems he dreams a lot and those always help him in his work; it’s probably because he has a clear mind when he sleeps.

 Also, he is rather sensitive to the cold. He loves sleeping with as less clothes as he can, meaning naked but at the slightest cooling in the air and he would bury himself under the covers, pressed against you to enjoy your warmth; to your greatest pleasure.

Tag list: @skaravile @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @niniitah-ah @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @charlie-sisters @ohcarlesmycarles @rajacero @morrisonmercuryphoenix @fly-like-a-phoenix @the-joaq-is-extra 

#Joaquin Phoenix #doc sportello #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello x you #doc sportello imagine #inherent vice

[darknessisafriend]

I got so excited to see that you have written for Doc Sportello! I love your writing. Could you do a, d, f, g, i, l, and m from the sfw prompts? If it isn’t too much trouble :)

Thank you so much! I’m glad that you like my writing of Doc <3 Enjoy !

 A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)              

-        Doc can be very affectionate; he doesn’t always show it as much as he wants because he spends his time wandering in town or farther; he’s like a cat, he can disappear for days and then suddenly come back, showing you how much he missed you.

 -        He shows affection mostly through words, Doc always shares how he feels, openly, no matter if you are in private or in public. It always makes you blush, he is so open about it, proud to be with you.

 -        He would tell you how much he missed you, how beautiful you look today or what he would like to do with you next, whatever it is a date or something more sexual. Doc is a talkative man and has no filter when he speaks.

 -        He likes to surprise you at work, sometimes he just comes by to share a few words and kisses with you. You would be in the middle of your work, focused when suddenly you would hear his voice sweetly calling your name before he closes the gap between the two of you either by a hug or kiss. He likes to come get you at lunch to bring you somewhere nice to eat, giving a nice moment of fresh air.

 -        If you have to work late, he would wait for you at home. He knows how a simple hug; a kiss would relax after such a long day and to see him waiting for you always makes your heart flutter. He would keep food for you, in case you couldn’t get dinner at work. He would pamper you, so that you would instantly relax by side, even if he’s stoned and he would end up offering his joint to you.

 -        Of course, his affection is physical as well. Doc is very touchy-feely; every time you go out together, he likes to hold your hands, entwinning his fingers with yours. He loves to snuggle with you on the sofa, covering your face with kisses, his fingers playing with your hair.

  F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

-        Doc is very serious about commitment. Of course, to him it doesn’t have to go through marriage. And at first, it doesn’t even mean living together. But you both are so busy, that you both need more and he would offer to move in together, that would be a big step for him and his sign of commitment to your relationship.

-        He would commit to your relationship fairly fast. Doc is someone sure of his feelings and if he truly loves you and feels you do as well, he will tell you right away, hoping he wasn’t wrong, that you would return the same feelings.

-        Doc would ask rather simply, bringing you on a walk by the beach, feet in the water holding your hand, as you both enjoy the peace of the place, the sound of the waves; out of the blue he would ask you, his heart beating slightly faster than usual; then as you would accept and jumped in his arms, the both you would spend the whole night messing around in the city, giggling and kissing.

-        The ceremony would be lovely, with family and many friends, out in the nature, simple, a joyful atmosphere, to be honest cliché hippie wedding.

 G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

-        Doc is very gentle with anyone and even more with you. He is a really sweet guy; it takes a lot to make him come out of his gentle self.

-        Physically, he is really sweet. Doc enjoys to lightly touch you, lightly brush his fingers, his lips on your skin. He loves to hold you hand, hug you; and Doc is a big hugger, he does it a lot.  

-        Except when he is on the mood for more, he enjoys being less gentle, if you enjoy it of course. Doc can get really playful with you and he knows you enjoy his dominant side.

-        When, he speaks to you, he is always gentle and not just because he’s stoned most of the time. And even when he’s upset or angry, his tone remains gentle with you, he would always to settle the conflict peacefully.

 I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

-        Doc would tell you very soon, probably at the start of your relationship maybe even after your first kiss. It’s not that he easily falls in love but he’s just confident about he feels, and he is not afraid to say it out loud.

-        And he would basically tell every day, to him it is as easy to say as ‘Hi’. Whenever it is when he goes away, when you do something for him or that he just randomly decides to tell you.

 L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

-        Children love Doc. From toddlers to teenagers, Doc is the coolest they have ever met. And funniest as well. They always look for his company because he would accept many things, more than any other adults, while supervising them, and making sure they are safe.

-        He doesn’t mind kids. Depending on how they are, Doc would really enjoy spending time with them. He would tell them about some of his investigations, but for that you would have to stay nearby and supervise him cause sometimes he would say things that are not especially for kids, but it made them laugh.

-        But Doc would be the best with babies and toddlers. You can’t really tell why but he would be just very attentive to them, constantly carrying them snuggled against his chest and even at home, tickling their tiny feet, rubbing their chubby belly and covering their faces with gentle kisses.

 M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

-        Mornings with Doc are lazy mornings to your great pleasure. You are often the first one to wake up, Doc would be either deeply sleeping or grumbling because you left his side and he wants to keep sleeping with you.

-        On the weekends, you would stay longer in bed and he would catch you before you could get up, making you fall back on the mattress, he would come on top of you so that you wouldn’t escape and playfully, he would cover your face (and body) with kisses.

-        You both like to take your breakfast outside, enjoy the warmth of the Sun in the morning. You usually go to this little coffee close to the sea, the air is even better there, and you can enjoy the wind, the sound of the waves and seagulls.

Tag list: @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @skaravile @niniitah-ah @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @charlie-sisters @ohcarlesmycarles @rajacero

#Joaquin Phoenix #inherent vice #doc sportello #doc sportello imagine #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello x you

[darknessisafriend]

K , E , D for doc sportello please? I love your writing :) 💖💞

Thank you sweetie!!! I hope you ‘ll like it, I had fun with this one ^^ 

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

 -        Doc’s kisses are mischievous, teasing, you can feel his smile when he kisses you, he has no limits, he doesn’t restrain himself, even in public, if he wants to kiss you full mouth, he’ll do it.  

-        He would kiss you a lot, Doc his very demonstrative, it is almost as if he can’t keep his lips away from you but they’re always sincere, full of trust; Doc always gives himself 100%

-        Usually, he would lean forward, slowly kissing you, even for quick peck, his lips would linger on yours and for deeper kisses he would put his arm around your shoulder, or grab you by your hips, his hands on your butt, he wouldn’t hesitate to put his on yours, inhaling your perfume, his lips soft against yours, his tongue tasting you.

-        Of course, when you both intend to go farther, Doc would get a bit more…kinky, biting your lower lip, smacking your ass, pressing his body against yours to let you know how badly he wants you.

-        He loves to kiss your jaw and nibble your ear lobe; Doc knows those areas are very sensitive for you, so he always enjoys the reactions he gets from you, your giggles or how you smile in delight.

-        But in a more private setting, he loves trailing kisses on your back and down on your butt, leaving beautiful hickeys on your skin.

-        Doc loves the kisses you give him; they always feel so caring and sweet. It drives him crazy; you drive him crazy.

-        He loves it when your mouth lingers on his torso, it’s quite a sensitive spot for him and this way he can also watch you take care of him, the way your lips wander on his skin, your tongue teasing him, he would caress your back and tell you how much he likes it.

 E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

-        With Doc, it would be a face to face discussion, he’s an honest man and would tell you, why it doesn’t work between the two of you. He would remain gentle as he tells you, he doesn’t like conflict, he doesn’t want to argue.

-        Doc would try to stay friends or at least in good terms with you. He is not really a resentful man. He believes there’s always a way to keep in touch with you even if your break-up was particularly tough; of course he would prefer if you stayed really good friends, after all your former relationship with him makes that you know him better than anyone else.

 D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

-        Doc doesn’t want to settle just yet, he’s a wandering man, a free man. So, it would take quite a certain amount of time to settle down, when he’s sure that he wants to get more serious with you.

-        He would do it progressively, step by step and it would be a relatively smooth transformation. Instead of spending only night with you, he would start to spend more time at your place, coming the weekends, seeking your company more and more.

-        Until one day, you realized he had spent a whole week at your place, days and night; he was lying on the couch watching TV “Are you moving in?” you asked him confused as you passed in front of the TV, he seemed to think like he hadn’t realized what he was doing before “I think I am…do you mind?” he replied in his usual stoned tone “Not at all.” You smiled happy; he had finally decided to settle down with you.

-        Doc is messy when it comes to his living place. It’s not dirty, it’s clean, let’s say it’s an organized mess. But if there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s cooking, he always cooks healthy, organic and vegan food; he might be high most the time but he insist that you eat well, he himself eats a lot because that’s what weed does to him, he gets super hungry.

-        Cleaning is not his thing; at all; so you usually do it, he would always forget a spot or use the wrong cleaning product, which ruined a few times the furniture in your flat. So, you decided Doc had to stay away from any cleaning even a broomstick. It made you laugh a lot when you thought about it, he always looks so confused after messing up, he has this puppy face telling you he intended good but somehow it got out of hand.

Tag list: @skaravile @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @niniitah-ah @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @charlie-sisters @ohcarlesmycarles @rajacero

#doc sportello #doc sportello imagine #doc sportello x you #doc sportello x reader #Joaquin Phoenix

[darknessisafriend]

Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

@alexsportello​ I would like B for Doc Sportello, please and thank you.

Here you go! I hope you’ll like it ^^ 

-        You would meet at the café he goes too every morning; you were a new waitress. You would end up talking with him, until he offers you a coffee. After only a few discussions you both realized you had a lot in common and enjoyed each other’s company, you felt like you could share everything with him, and he felt the same. Also, he made you laugh, a lot; so you started seeing each other outside of the café, you didn’t feel the need for a more intimate relationship, at least not for now.

-        Doc is one of those best friends that feel like they’re your soulmate. You two are inseparable and understand each other without even pronouncing a word. Although, he is a great listener, and he loves to listen to you, whatever you’re rambling or talk about something truly serious.

-        He would call you every day, he needs to talk to you, and share how he feels; Doc is a man who can’t keep his emotions inside, he always needs to voice them. And you would always answer him, eagerly waiting for his call at night and he would talk with you for hours sometimes, especially if he is upset. Doc also tries to see you at least once week, he misses your smile, your jokes and your hugs.  

-        You spend some nights together, you would settle on the sofa, your legs on his lap, watching a movie together, sharing a cigarette or a joint depending on the mood you were in. He would always end up having deep, meaningful and philosophical conversation with you until dawn.

-        He would be a very touchy-feely with you. After all, he’s a tactile extrovert; as soon as he sees you, he takes you in his arms, giving you a big hug; when sitting with you, he often has an arm around your shoulders.

-        When you have a heartbreak, he will root for you, either pulling pranks on your significant other with you in the middle of the night, making sure you end up laughing and satisfied by your revenge or directly confronting the guy for hurting you, and Doc could get pretty pissed for you, he would even pull up a fight, and of course beat the ass of the guy, he was a skilled PI after all; and then, he would use his position to put the guy in jail for a day or two for assault.  

-        His PI job greatly helps you when you need advice, he had this very good analysis capacity despite being high, he would think and would not stop until he finds a solution or a solid piece of advice for you. And he would be like super-duper protective of you. When, you’re away from him always worries about you, that he can’t protect you if something happens to you. If you tell him you met a new guy or new people, he will warn you to be careful, and he would personally make sure those people are clean, especially if it’s a new date.

-        He supports you for everything you do, he’s always positive and telling you to go for it. For him everything is possible when you want it, some (especially Bigfoot) would say that he thinks like this because he’s fuckin’ hippie and maybe they were right but Doc was also a positive guy, who was always sweet with you, and you appreciate his full support

-        You two would mess around a lot, having inside jokes, taking pleasure to tease Bigfoot who in return could get really pissed and lock you in jail for a few hours or maybe a full night, but that was worth the joke. And often his attorney would always arrive to get you and Doc out.

-        He shares your obsessions, you have a new favorite movie or board game? he’ll play it with you over and over, until it drives him crazy and he has to find a way to distract you from your obsessions, it’s always funny how he tries to find new ways to distract you, you would notice it every time.

Tag list: @skaravile​ @lyoongx​ @weirdflecksbutok​ @niniitah-ah @stardancerluv​ @sgtsavoytruffle​ @charlie-sisters​ @ohcarlesmycarles​

#Joaquin Phoenix #doc sportello #doc sportello imagine #inherent vice #doc sportello x reader #doc sportello x you #submission

[darknessisafriend]

Calling all Joaquin’s Phoenix fandom!

Hey everyone!

As you may have noticed the fandom as gone pretty quiet these past months. T_T

It is normal, the excitement generated by Joker and the discovery of Joaquin has now passed, mostly because we don’t have new content, whatever from Joker 2 or any other movie (unfortunetely Cmon Cmon didn’t air in many cinemas in Europe) . Of course this might change with the next movie Napoleon or even Disapointment Blvd. 

But yes, it happened, blogs dedicated to Joaquin or his characters have disappeared (I still miss @Bring-your-holy-water) , gone inactive or simply changed for fandoms with more content to work on. It is sad, we lost amazing content creators and fans but it happened and it’s okay.

Now, I don’t plan anytime soon to leave the fandom or stop creating content and I know others like @galos-writing​ @ajokeformur-ray​ @fly-like-a-phoenix​ @five-miles-over​ and others won’t either ^^ (LOVE YOU FRIENDS)

Now in order to keep the fandom active and perhaps attract more people, me and @galos-writing​ have thought of something: 

Would you be interested in live rewatch of Joaquin’s movies with the possibility to live comment and discuss all together about the movies and characters?

Would you like fanart?

Is there a specific type of content you would like to see? (fan videos, games, etc) 

We are here to make this fandom a great place of exchange, and friendship (or more), a happy and safe place for everyone with a common interest: Joaquin or his characters.

Please if you are a content creator, reblog and describe what you do. If you are interested in live rewatch or any other content, comment! we will make a list to organise our first live rewatch! And please reblog so that this post reaches more people! 

Anyway, I hope many of you will take part in this, this fandom is amazing and we want to keep it alive <3 LOVE YOU EVERYONE

#Joaquin Phoenix #commodus #inventing the abbotts #Abbé de Coulmier #Max California #freddie quell #doc sportello #joe #commodus imagine

[darknessisafriend]

Joaquin characters swimwear

Can I ask for another request? This one could be JP’s characters as swimsuits/bikinis? Thank you. 🥰

Oooo I like this! my first doing that so I hope you will like the result :)

For Arthur: I thought of something colorful, almost childish, drawings that show imagination, or a big interior life. I couldn’t find exactly what I had in mind tho XD

Joker: tough one! I have a hard time imagining Joker as a swimsuit or wearing one XD I was thinking of something elegant since Joker has a certain style and yet he is extravagant, chaotic, a bit with old fashioned partterns. This one, perhaps a bit shorter^^

Commodus: you won’t change my mind, this one is perfect, the parterns, black (darkness in him and death) and gold (being Caesar), making me think of his armor, there is also in blue color (just like his first outfit). This short cause Roman are at ease with being naked and little covered, and it would give much value to his big thighs and booty (in the front too?👀). Versace

Joe: something dark blue, kinda flat reflecting how everything around him seems flat, numb, pockets to keep buried his traumas, bad memories and perhaps a knife.

Leonard: two colors, one a bit brighter and one more…flat, which reflects his two sides, the one where he gets super joyful, excited and the other where he is hit by depression and dark thought, all blurred together reflect his constant state, between two extremes, tired

Abbé: something not to short or tight, which hides him, body and mind from temptation and yet elegant, he is a man who is attached to a certain elegant image. He wants to be seen for who he is and yet he tries to not be noticed.

Charlie: something tight, he likes to be noticed, like black and red color, he is proud of himself, thinks he is the best and that he is the most handsome, he wants his male parts outlined.

Max: leather, provocative, inviting to get horny, reference to bdsm world, unique, that just him.

Bobby Green: something 90s, elegant and stylish, a bit fantasy like his life which is made of rich things, he has a lot of fun, in excess. Yet he could fall any day.

Willie: Versace as well (cause he is very similar to Commodus), Willie enjoys his wealth and he likes to show it to his girlfriend to impress her and to people around him to be respected. Versace is a luxury brand, just like anything he would wear. 

Doc Sportello: something psychedelic, since he smokes and do all kinds of drugs. He always lives in his high world.

Merill: something sporty, colored his his basevall shirt, something that doesn’t prevent from moving or doing sport on the beach.

Ray Elwood: NAKED (don’t ask me why XD)

Tag list:@hopelessdisasterr @skaravile @lyoongx @weirdflecksbutok @buttergirlie @rosebloodstuffandthangss @clowndaddyfleck @jaylovesbats @niniitah-ah @dreamingmaria @sagyunaro @just-a-fucking-comedy @spaceinvader @radio-hoo-ha @lady-carnivals-stuff @sierraclegane @legojorny @lemondedeniname @hvproductions @syvellsworld @charlie-sisters @papercut-paranoia @jokerflecker @cigznvalentines @help-i-am-obssessed @arthurfleckjoker2019 @theartistdetective @soulsdontbreaktheybeeend @fleckcmscott @obssessedandthirsty @ridiculousnerd @stardancerluv @sgtsavoytruffle @welcometomyhiddlesfandom @sanguinandoscrivo @valentina15 @phoenixbaby88 @captain-el-writes @thedamchii @ninathefandomcollector @kiddastle @lovesickforjoaqvin @joaquins-angel @alexsportello @ohcarlesmycarles @rajacero @bring-your-holy-water @five-miles-over @morrisonmercuryphoenix @fly-like-a-phoenix @the-joaq-is-extra @galos-writing​ @bb-skyrunner​

#submission #Joaquin Phoenix #arthur fleck joker #joker #commodus #bobby green #doc sportello #Merrill Hess #Ray Elwood #willie gutierrez #Max California #charlie sisters #Abbe de Coulmier #Leonard Kraditor #joe

[darknessisafriend]

Fanfiction Masterlist

So here’s all the fanfics I’ve written for now, I will update it frequently ;)

Request are OPEN, I take request for the following:

Arthur/Joker (Joker)

Commodus (Gladiator)

Joe (You were Never Really Here)

Leonard (Two lovers)

Abe Lucas (Irrational Man)

Abbe de Coulmier (Quills)

Charlie (Sisters brothers)

Bobby Green (We own the night)

Bruno Weiss (The immigrant)

Willie Gutirez (The yards)

Max California (8mm)

Doc Sportello (Inherent Vice)

Merrill Hess (Signs)

Freddie Quell (The master)

Ray Elwood (Buffalo soldiers)

I also do HC for mutliple Joaquin characters at the same time (example here) 

Joaquin Phoenix (no smut, only fluff and respectful asks)

List of the fics below ! Enjoy! 

ARTHUR/JOKER Imagines

Beautiful, reader take a picture of Arthur, he thinks he’s ugly; you are going to remind him the contrary FLUFF

Little secret, Arthur discovers that his Joker look excites you NSFW

Since the beginning , reader reaction to Murray Franklin show, they want to leave but they come face to face with him, in the end they submit to him NSFW (rough sex; bloodplay)

A perfect day, reader comforts Arthur after a bad day, bath, favorite food, singing and dance SUPER FLUFFY

Emotional support clown, Arthur is your emotional support clown while you’re being fired, FLUFF

Your savior, the Joker saves you from the assault and beating of 3 men, slight NSFW

Playing strip poker with Arthur and Joker, SFW

Babysitting, You are babysitting the kid of a colleague with Arthur but he´s terrified to do mistakes but it turns out he´s really good and the kid like him so much she doesn´t want to leave FLUFF

This is my family,   You and Arthur had just had a baby boy Benjamin,Arthur was getting ready for work (facepaint)and he could hear you singing that’s life and dancing with your baby and he stands by the door watching you and as you finished he started clapping and as he entered you started singing send in the clowns and Arthur started dancing and your baby was giggling and you all danced while Arthur watched you in awe FLUFF

The king’s mercy,  Joker likes it when you call him “King”, and he’s going to show his gratitude, dominant, he’s going to take care of you until you squirt. NSFW

Mommy Issues ,  where Arthur has pretty bad mommy issues after Penny dies and the reader helps him cope by letting him indulge in a bit of non-sexual ageplay and he calls the reader Mommy and really lets his childish side show while the reader takes care of him  SFW/ fluff

Frozen time, Taking a long hot bath or shower with Joker after a long day for both him and the reader! Fluff

Sweets,  Reader is student who on a good day receives lots of candy and shares one with Carnival. When Arthur as Joker has shot Murray and escapes, he spots the same student among the crowd, trying to escape the rioting going on around her. He goes after her and avoids being captured again. Instead, he follows student to her apartment. SFW

I’ll find you,  Batman kidnaps you but Joker will save you. SFW

Take control,  Reader giving Arthur a lap dance for the first time, Arthur would get flustered pretty easily and you’d have to encourage him multiple time to touch you but surprisingly after the lap dance, he’s really wound up from all the teasing and fucks you rough for the first time. NSFW

The tigress and the angel,  Where the reader defends Arthur after someone verbally harasses him on the street. The catch is that the reader is a kind little smol angel that doesn’t use curse words and then, all of a sudden, when someone is talking trash to Arthur, she brings out her large vocabulary of curse words and Arthur is completely shocked by it. But once the individual or individuals back off and go away, she turns back to her normal self but Arthur is still impressed. SFW

Please don’t leave me,  Arthur and Reader have a heated argument and Arthur is in his Joker persona so he acts like a dick he can be sometimes, and they break up; then Arthur is back to himself and he’s sweet, so he goes after her, angst, fluff. SFW

Nightmares,  the reader has a nightmare about losing Joker (him dying) and he reassures her. SFW

Only yours, Reader works for a crummy boss who is sexually harassing her but, she needs money to live with Arthur. Arthur at this moment comes to drop off some flowers and overhears the comments and thinks that something is going on. Possessive jealous smut, he is afraid to lose her. NSFW

You’re fucked, the reader was alone while walking home to Joker at night in Gotham and some men attacked her leaving her on the road hurt and all bloody,and when she comes home Joker didn’t expect to see her like that and takes care of her but also will find the assholes who hurted her “kitten” and beats the shit out of them.

Isn’t this supposed to be a party?,  reader takes Joker to one of those fancy parties (bc her parents invited her) but when she shows up with Joker everyone gets freaky.

I’m here for you,  Reader is struggling with self harm, has a lot of scars on her arms and Arthur knows about them, he knows also that reader is trying not to do this, but it’s something like an addiction. Arthur finds her sitting on a couch bleeding and crying, and he takes care of her.

The most beautiful embrace, your first time with Arthur, he is nervous and a bit clumsy but you wouldn’t want another man in your arms.

I am a clown,  You and Arthur have recently started dating, but Arthur hasn’t dared yet to tell you about his job. He knows clowns are seen as uncool or scary and he worries a bit about your reaction.

HEADCANONS JOKER/ARTHUR:

HC about how Arthur and joker would like to receive and express affection!

Arthur joker jealousy hc!

Makeup kissing

Flirt/date/woo reader

If Arthur and Joker had a girlfriend that has hip dips and stretch marks and is really insecure about her body

Kissing the inside of your thigh

Where reader is really into Arthur’s skinny, bony physique; She loves thin men.

Arthur and Joker notices that the reader has a Daddy/dominance kink,how would they react to it  

Where Reader is insecure about her soft spot 

NSFW Arthur and Joker, their kinks and how they foreplay

Security Whole

Friendship 

Relationship 

JOAQUIN IMAGINE:

You’re beautiful,  Joaquin and Reader didn’t have sex for 2 months, you’re craving for him, but as he lost too much weight for Joker, he’s avoiding any kind of intimacy with you. He’s afraid you will find him ugly and his body disgusting and that he won’t give her pleasure and make her horny, but he can’t be more wrong.

Christmas surprise, where Joaquin is away on location for filming thus making it your first christmas without him so his sisters invite you over to spend it with them but it actually ends up being a secret plan to surprise you with Joaquin

Mine,  where Joaquin is very protective/jealous over you

Periods,  it’s the first day of your periods so it’s a bad day for you but Joaquin is there for you and make your day better

Marry me?  where Joaquin proposes to you.

Welcome to the family,  where you’re meeting Joaquin’s sisters and family for the first time and you’re super nervous but everything turns out okay, because after the meeting they all consider you their new sister.

Let’s relax, Joaquin and reader to smoke a joint together after Joaquin has a stressful day on set and he tries smoking for the first time.

River would be so proud, Joaquin and reader at the Oscars 2020

Love is love,  where Joaquin is dating an university student (reader’s like 21-22) and reader feels insecure about being so much younger than him bc of people's comments.

First date?,  Joaquin and You have been close friends for like a couple of years now and you are hanging out together one day and eventually fall asleep together. As one of you is falling asleep, one tell the other that they love them; obviously the other overhears it...

Ideal date, a long headcanon of what an ideal date with Joaquin would be like.

COMMODUS x READER

The world will be ours, part 1, part 2, part 3,  part 4, part 5, You are the heir of a kindgom  conquered by Rome. To strenghen its bound to the Empire, the Emperor has made an offer your family can’t refuse… you will marry his son Commodus, but you are scared of him and he doesn’t want to marry you, but Rome is hostile to Commodus reign, what will be your role in this, will you learn to love each other?

The world will be ours Sequel,  this fic follows the life of Commodus with you, you had two beautiful, children, he is finally happy and loved but then something terrible happens… Part 1, Part 2 

Anything for Caesar NSFW, rough sex smut one shot

Commodus the whore of the Empress NSFW, Imagine a parallel universe where Commodus falls from grace, you become Empress and he becomes your bitch (part 2 on my friend’s blog   Part 3 , Part 4

Let’s just stay here a little while,  You are feeling down lately, thankfully, your husband Commodus is there for you.

Pampering Commodus, after a hard day the Emperor needs to relax and be pampered. Fluff

Queen or thief of my heart?,  The reader is poor and is mistaken for stealing from a street vendor, and she is brought before Emperor Commodus to be killed but upon seeing her, he recognizes her as a childhood friend of his...will he save her life as a token of the past?

The One rule, you have disobeyed Commodus and he punishes you in the best and yet worst way.

Periods, you have your periods for the first time with your husband Commodus, you are ashamed but he comforts you in that tough time of the month.

Your attitude may hurt me, but mine can kill you, quote challenge, Commodus is having another paranoia episode. 

You should kneel to your Empress,  Commodus' Empress is mixed race and she overhears people at the palace making remarks about her and her family even though without her, they wouldn't have trade or peaceful relations with a prominent tribe in Africa. Commodus hears it and defends her.

The virtues of an Emperor,  this follows the moment when Commodus learns he won’t be Emperor, but it takes a slightly different turn, he is not alone this time.

If only Rome knew how much you sacrificed for them,  after the final fight against Maximus in the Colosseum, you find Commodus’ body among the corpses of those dead in the arena, he had been carelessly tossed there as if he was no one. He is alive, barely, you decide to save him. But what will happen if he survives? Will he claim back the throne? Chap 1, Chap 2, Chap 3, Chapter 4,  Epilogue

Elysium, Commodus comforts you after one of your friends died

The light in my darkness, Commodus has always been afraid of the dark. 

Sleepless Slumber, Commodus suffers insomnia

I will feed on your hate, Commodus hears people criticizing and it hurts more than expected

My never ending loyalty, male reader, preatorian’s guard love story with his emperor on the Eve of the fight against Maximus. 

You are my Empire, one shot about Commodus being a sub in your relationship, smut and fluff.

HEADCANONS:

Vanity 

Quizzes

The melancholia of Commodus and your comfort

Celebrating Saturnalia/Christmas with Commodus

Commodus x Plus size reader

JOE x READER

Make you smile, a fluffy winter imagine

Beyond memory,  where reader had an accident and lost his memory permanently, however, Joe does not give up his wife and tries to win her back.  Part 1, part 2 , 3 , 4 and 5 !

Joe is just too adorable,  there were just days where Joe was so adorable that spend your day looking at him…  

Please be careful out there, Joe comes back from ‘work’ all bloodied and bruised. Reader takes care of him and gives him a massage. FLUFF

We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside us, Joe is having a breakdown

HEADCANONS: 

Kisses 

Affection

Ending 

Jealousy 

Body worship

Fiancee, I love you, Remember

Smut with Joe

ABBE DE COULMIER x READER

Forgive me Lord for I am about to sin,  The reader got hired on as a chambermaid to help tend around the asylum. She and Abbé click upon first meeting, but as a clergyman he must deal with his emotions, especially as they grow closer everyday (and it does not go unnoticed). One day she gets attacked from one of the patients and he comes to her rescue. As he is tending to her in private and making sure she's alright, they finally confess feelings Fluff

Confession, the innocent and pure Abbe is just a mask and behind it is a man with the dirtiest and darkest desires NSFW. Part 2 here!

To taste the forbidden fruit, the Abbé keeps trying to restrain himself from lusting after you until he can't resist anymore.

Finally, I found you again,  OC, Lucille Chagall, is two years older than the Abbé, she’s his childhood best friend. As they see each other again, they quickly realize they feel more than just friendship. 

I will hold you in my arms again, your lover the Abbe is about to be locked up by the doctor.

Riding the priest, the Abbe is not yet ready for full sex so the readerthigh rides him.

Comfort from the priest, you feel bad, terrible but the Abbe is here to comfort you.

HEADCANONS: 

Kisses 

MAX CALIFORNIA x READER

Date night, your first date with Max 

NSFW Headcanons

California isn’t in the mood for a clumsy girl, the reader is a new worker in his favorite pub but when he come he is in bad mood and reader accidentally spill some beer on him; she is nervous and offer him another one for free but he wants something different...

You should be kissed, and often, and by someone who knows how. After meeting Max randomly, he invites you to his concert... you didn’t expect to be so into him.

BOBBY GREEN x READER

Audition,  You’re a dancer desperately looking for a new job and you heard that the El Caribe club was looking for dancers, and for barely dressed performances, but you needed money, you go there to audition in front of the manager Bobby Green, and you are determined to get this job. NSFW

Bobby playing poker with Reader on his lap

BRUNO WEISS x READER

You won’t touch her ever again,  you are being harassed by your ex-boyfriend, he stalks you and gets really angry. Luckily for you bump into Bruno who helps you out and offers you to hide in the theatre for a few hours and then he protects you like gets possessive and aggressive cause he has already fallen in love with you  

Hands off, Bruno is being a little too possessive about a new girl that started to work for him; but the truth is, he just wants to have her for himself...

CHARLIE SISTERS x READER

Your only chance for hapiness, Part 1, Part 2  Where the reader has been teamed up with the brothers to go kill Herman and during the journey Charlie and the reader develop feelings for each other but never admitting it. Then the reader gets mad and ignores him after he got drunk and slept with many girls at Mayfield’s brothel and after a while they make up and tell each other, FLUFF and SMUT

HEADCANONS:

Hugs

Fiance(e) 

FREDDIE x READER

Imagine, calming down Freddie when he has a violent outburst.

HEADCANONS: 

Gentle 

Cuddles  

I love you, Open, Security 

Being jealous and possessive

DOC SPORTELLO x READER

HEADCANONS: 

Best friend 

Kisses, Ending, Domestic

Cuddles, Open, Quizzes, Remember, Security, Zzzz

MERRILL HESS x READER

I love you because you join me in my weirdness, FLUFF as you mess around with Merrill.

Baseball fantasy, Merrill discovers wearing his old baseball uniform really turns you on.

HEADCANONS: 

Affection, Cuddles, Ugly

Home run, FLUFF

LEONARD x READER

Therapy, you and Leonard found a better way to heal. SMUT

I am drowning, hurt/comfort, TW: suicide attempt

NAPOLEON x READER

Relationship HC

MULTI JOAQUIN! CHARACTERS HEADCANONS x READER

Adopting a pet with Multi-Joaquin!characters Headcanons (Here we have Commodus, Arthur/Joker, Joe, Charlie, Max California, Bruno, Abbe, Doc Sportello and Freddie Quell)

Naked boyfriend challenge (Commodus, Arthur/Joker, Bruno, Charlie, Joe, Max, Abbe, Doc Sportello, Freddie, Merill, Theodore)

Celebrating Christmas (Arthur, Joker, Commodus, Joe, Abbe, Charlie, Bobby, Bruno, Willie, Max, Theodore, Merrill, Freddie, Ray)

Taking care of them when they’re sick (Commodus, Joker/Arthur, Bruno, Charlie, Joe, Max, Abbe, Doc, Willie, Leonard)

Celebrating Valentine’s Day ( Arthur/Joker; Commodus; Abbe de Coulmier; Leonard; Joe; Willie Guttirez, Doc Sportello, Max California, Charlie Sisters, Merill Hess)

When they are drunk (Arthur, Commodus, Abbe de Coulmier, Charlie Sisters, Willie Guttirez)

Their reaction to neck smooches

#Joaquin Phoenix #joker2019 #joaquin phoenix joker #joker x reader #joker imagine #Arthur Fleck #arthur fleck x reader #arthur fleck imagine #arthur fleck x you #joaquin phoenix imagine #joaquin phoenix x reader #joaquin pheonix x you #commodus #commodus x reader #commodus imagine #joe x reader #abbe de coulmier #abbe x reader #abbe de coulmier x you #abbe de coulmier imagine #abbe x you #max california #max california x reader #max california imagine #bruno weiss #bruno weiss imagine #bruno weiss x reader #charlie sisters #charlie sisters x you #charlie sisters imagine

[five-miles-over]

Joaquin Phoenix Characters as Cupcakes

(Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters or images. This is just a fun listicle, not designed to offend anyone. As always, please feel free to leave comments and/or constructive criticism below. Thank you, and without any further ado, please enjoy!)

Characters in this List: Theodore, Arthur, Joker, Doug Holt, Doc Sportello, Freddie, Charlie, Johnny Cash, Max, Merrill, Abbé, Jimmy Emmett, and of course, Emperor Commodus.

Theodore Twombly from “Her”: Red Velvet Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

Red is a color frequently worn by Phoenix’s character in this romantic science fiction film, and his operating system is red too. So naturally, his cupcakes would adopt his signature color. Plus, red velvet is a flavor popularly served on Valentine’s Day (not that it isn’t popular during the rest of the year), so it would be great for the loving, hopeful Theodore.

Arthur Fleck from “Joker”: Vanilla Funfetti Cupcakes

This is basically your typical yellow cake baked with brightly colored, edible decorations (known as sprinkles, jimmies, or hundreds-and-thousands). The frosting is standard vanilla and topped with even more sprinkles - hence it earns the name funfetti. (It’s like edible confetti - fun, right?)

They would certainly entertain the inner child in Arthur. The bright colors would excite him, and they’d remind him confetti at a child’s birthday party. He’d have so much fun decorating the cupcakes, too.

Joker from “Joker”: Banana Split Cupcakes

These cupcakes may look like yellow cake, but they are so much more. The banana flavor is a match for the one who certainly drives Gotham bananas with his chaotic plans and antics.

And just like how Joker may look like any other clown, these cupcakes are good at masquerading like an ice cream sundae. At first sight, you’d be totally thrown off.

Doug Holt from “Inventing the Abbotts”: Strawberry Shortcake Cupcakes

Just like his character in “Inventing the Abbotts”, Doug Holt makes for a refreshing presence onscreen - he’s cute, genuine, and kind. (Just like a strawberry!) And for a film representing American in the 1950′s, what better dessert to mimic than the classic American summer treat?

Doc Sportello from “Inherent Vice”: Matcha Cupcakes with Black Sesame Topping and Mascarpone Cheese filling

I think of all of the members on this list, Doc Sportello would be one most excited to try new flavors. The cool yet earthy green tea infusion in this cupcake would totally complement the buttery melt-in-your-mouth feel of the mascarpone cheese. And the sesame seeds would add a nice texture difference with a unique flavor. Certainly, it would appeal to the all-natural, organic preferences Doc has. 

Freddie Quell from “The Master”: Coconut Rum Cupcakes

As someone who likes mixing concoctions to form alcoholic “cocktails”, Freddie would certainly like his cupcake to bring a little buzz. The coconut flavor would be somewhat nutty but also slightly sweet. And it might be great for Freddie, who’s been overseas during his time in the armed forces.

Charlie Sisters from “The Sisters Brothers”: Maple Bourbon-Infused Cupcakes with Maple Frosting and Bacon Bits.

Just like Charlie himself, this cupcake is a little salty on the outside, with the bacon crumble topping, but also somewhat sweet with the maple syrup. Also, maple syrup is known to be quite sticky - just like many of the situations Charlie gets himself into. (I can imagine he wouldn’t complain with all the bourbon in this cupcake too)

Johnny Cash from “Walk the Line”: Pineapple Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting. 

My original idea was to choose a Black Velvet cupcake with cherry filling for the Man in Black, but this pineapple cupcake pays tribute to one of his favorite dishes (as told by his son John Carter Cash) - pineapple pie. It was made with a standard dough-based pie crust and  a pineapple and cream cheese filling, hence the cream cheese frosting. Although, to add a Southern touch to this, these cupcakes could also be served with a candied pecan crumble on top.

Max California from “8 MM” : Devil’s Food Cake Cupcake with a Boozy Cherry Filling

As Max himself says, “If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you.” So to pay homage to his quote, obviously his cupcake would be the Devil’s Food cake (it’s just a really moist chocolate flavor). The filling would be made with chopped cherries immersed in sweet vermouth  (wine spiked with brandy), and the cupcake would be topped with whipped cream and chocolate chips.

Also, is it just me or would Max totally make a joke about “popping the cherry” every time he eats these?

Merrill Hess from “Signs”: Chocolate M&M Cupcakes with a Peanut Butter and Marshmallow Filling

These cupcakes would certainly be great for Merrill - he’d appear to be a guy’s guy on the outside, but on the inside he’s not afraid to do seemingly nutty things (wearing tin-foil on his head?) and is extremely sweet with kids (hence the marshmallows). Also, the M&M’s add color to the mainly uniform cupcake, just like Merrill’s expressions add color to this film. 

Given the amount of sugar (and artificial coloring), they were probably made for either Bo’s or Morgan’s birthdays and Uncle Merrill just happened to like them more than the kids did. His favorite part is pulling these cupcakes apart and watching the gooey peanut butter and marshmallow filling spill.

Abbe de Coulmier from “Quills”: Lavender Vanilla Sponge Cupcakes with a Lemon Elderflower Frosting.

Abbé de Coulmier is an incredibly soft and kind person - it only makes sense his cupcake would be just as fluffy as him. The infusion of lavender in the vanilla sponge would delight him, and he might have one of these with a cup of tea in the afternoon. Though, he’d certainly be mindful of his consumption, remembering perfectly well that gluttony was one of the Seven Deadly Sins. 

Most times, he’d desire for the frosting to be removed and instead ask for powdered sugar to be put instead. (The powdered sugar was a compromise after being annoyed by the chef. He was not happy when the chef kept shouting about a “naked cupcake”.) Although, perhaps on special occassions, the frosting would stay and he’d relish the light, citrus-floral flavor.

Jimmy Emmett from “To Die For”: Snickers Cupcakes

Based off of the popular candy bar, Snickers cupakes are usually made with a chocolate cupcake, peanut butter frosting, and a rich caramel sauce with chopped candy bars as garnish. 

They’re perfect for Jimmy, who certainly liked candy bars and can usually be found snickering while he’s zoned out in his own world.

Emperor Lucius Aelius Aurelius Commodus from “Gladiator”

As always, I saved the best for last, and since I couldn’t decide on simply one cupcake I came up with three different ones for our Emperor. 

(Impartiality? I don’t know her.)

Choice 1) A Red Wine Dark Chocolate Cupcake with Raspberry Amaretto Frosting and Raspberry Drizzle (top left)

Emperor Commodus likes to go all out when throwing lavish games or hosting extravagant parties. So this cupcake is a perfect match, with the rich flavors of red wine, brandy (from the amaretto), raspberry, and dark chocolate all coming together in a decadent ensemble. 

Also, the raspberry drizzle totally looks like blood spilling in the Colosseum.

Choice 2) A Honey Cake with Whiskey Frosting and a Whiskey-Infused Honey Drizzle (top right)

Even though whiskey is definitely not a liquor I’d associate with Emperor Commodus, the cupcake certainly serves as a break from all the chocolate. (Do you think he’d even like chocolate? Comment below, please!)

The main reason this cupcake is here is because honey cakes were around during the Roman Empire. Also, the drizzle...can you imagine Emperor Commodus repeatedly spilling some of the alcohol-infused honey on his cheeks and asking his servant/concubine to lick it up for him? Or making his concubine suck the sticky honey from his fingers?

Choice 3) A Chocolate Hazelnut Fererro Rocher Cupcake (bottom)

This cupcake is mainly here because the golden wrapper totally suits the opulence of a Roman emperor. Also, in one of my previous listicles I paired Emperor Commodus with chocolate hazelnut gelato - thought I’d continue the trend. Plus, the smoothness of the hazelnut perfectly represents the silky tone of Commodus’s voice.

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