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try-set-me-on-fire · 10 months

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Ok well i had the brief thought “what about an ER nurse Eddie au?” and then this popped fully formed into existence so fuck it Friday pt 2.. warnings for smoking and vague references to critically injured kids

“That doesn’t seem very healthy.”

Smoke curls up from the cigarette held loosely in Eddie’s hand. “It’s not, particularly.”

Buck’s hands are in his pockets as he strolls away from the glass doors out into the ambulance bay where Eddie is doing the mature, professional equivalent of playing hide and seek. He comes to a stop barely a foot or two away from where Eddie leans against grimy concrete. “Didn’t know you were a smoker.”

“I’m not,” Eddie sighs, “Particularly.” He looks over Buck’s face as he takes a drag, cataloging bruises and cuts. He hadn’t been the one to look him over before he was discharged, probably because he was out here avoiding having to do so. “Only when it’s- only after the bad shifts.” And only once a month, even if the bad shifts come again and again. He bought this pack in January, it’s stale as shit.

Buck’s eyes follow the smoke as it drifts skyward. “Rough one today?”

Eddie thinks he probably doesn’t have to explain to Buck that it’s sometimes better when a kid is dead on arrival so he doesn’t have to try his best to administer care he knows will be useless. He doesn’t have to explain a day where nothing goes right and he loses more people than he can save and he still has to walk away from someone’s parent or wife or sister, left behind forever in a waiting room on the worst day of their life, and go on to lose the next person too. Doesn’t have to explain why he’s out here, and not in there. “Mm. We’ve got this repeat customer, always hate to have him back.”

Buck’s eyes flick to his face before they settle somewhere around his elbow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. He seems like a nice guy. I worry about him. He’s here too often.”

Buck doesn’t look up. “What was he in for this time?”

“Minor concussion. Bruising. Lacerations.” Eddie sucks cancer into his lungs. “Heard a house fell on him.” Exhales it into the night.

Buck does look up this time, eyes a darker blue out here in the shadows. “Part of a house. Just a staircase and the- like, the balcony, really.”

“Maybe he should stay away from those.”

“From houses?” Buck asks, half his mouth twitching into a smile.

Eddie rests his head on the wall behind him. “Guess that’s not really practical.”

“No.” Buck is quiet for a moment, one hand slipping out of his pocket and running through his hair. Eddie wonders what he looks like, when he’s not here. He’s more styled, sometimes, when things aren’t very bad. He wonders if he’s usually all gelled up and neat. Eddie kind of likes the loose curls. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“Making your day worse.” Buck looks genuinely apologetic, and Eddie shakes his head.

“The guy made it out okay this time.” Buck is just close enough that Eddie can kick at his boot with his sensible orthopedic sneaker. “You didn’t even need stitches.”

“That’s good.” Eddie’s left foot is pressed along the inside of Buck’s right, and Buck is staring down at them. “His favorite nurse was on break. I would have missed you if someone else had to do them.”

Eddie laughs, just a few bursts of soundless oxygen. “You gotta find new ways to see me before something happens that I can’t fix.”

Buck moves, taking the few steps necessary to lean against the wall beside him. Carefully, he takes the cigarette from Eddie’s hand, holds it between two of his own fingers, and takes a drag. Eddie watches it happen like he’s monitoring somebody’s pulse ox, and when Buck coughs he laughs again, louder this time. “Fuck,” Buck says, laughing too. “Thought that would be cooler than it was.”

“Smoking isn’t cool, firefighter Buckley,” Eddie says, taking the cigarette back and pulling from it again between smiling lips.

“Hm,” Buck says, grinning out into the night. Then he sighs, and rolls his head along the concrete to look at Eddie. “I think there’s nothing you can’t fix.”

They’re very close. “There’s lots I can’t fix.”

Buck shrugs like he disagrees. “I also think I’d like to find other ways to see you.”

Buck’s eyes are even more in shadow at this angle, and they’re the color of the lake back in El Paso that he and a bunch of kids went to after graduation, drunk off beer somebody’s cousin got for them, skinny dipping with breathless terrified delight under bright constellations. “Then ask me.”

Buck inhales as Eddie exhales. “What time’s your shift end?”

“5:30 AM. So, probably 6:15.”

Buck traces the two fingers he’d used to hold the cigarette down Eddie’s arm. “You wanna get breakfast with me?”

“Yes. I would.”

Buck smiles, and Eddie snubs out the cigarette on the wall between them. “I’ll meet you here?”

“Alright.” He takes a step forward, then a step to the right so he’s standing in front of Buck. “Two hours.”

“Uh huh.”

He should really get back inside. They’re understaffed, as always, and there are too many patients, as always, and not enough beds, as always. “See you then.” He doesn’t make any move to leave.

“See you then,” Buck almost whispers. He leans forward, and Eddie still doesn’t move, so he presses a tiny kiss to the corner of his mouth for just a moment. His lips are warm. Eddie hadn’t noticed it was cold outside.

Buck pulls back and leans against the wall again. Eddie smiles, puts a hand in his pocket, and walks back toward the doors.

#my writing #fuck it Friday #i swear I’m going to finish trapped buck and Chris and work on proposal fic before i work on this more #but it would be a bunch of glimpses of Buck’s various hospital trips from Eddie’s nurse perspective #and maybe shuffle some events around? like maybe eddie still gets shot but by a disgruntled former patient this time and #so he does a stint in the maternity ward and buck shows up there #and Eddie is like you’re having a kid?#and bucks like no my sister is what are you doing here #and when buck gets the story he’s like fuck. shit. im sorry i wasnt there #and eddies like picturing seeing buck in that moment of violence and says im glad you weren’t #also Eddie could still be the one who restarts his heart after the lightning strike #this bit is maybe the last scene actually sorry for posting the end first #have a good breakfast boys #buddie #evan Buckley #eddie diaz #911 abc

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runawaymun · 9 days

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#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags #cw personal #once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says #THEY don't #they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated #like will she take my insurance or not who's right here #anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now #why the hell is this so hard man #the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain #once again no one knows what they're talking about #like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds #and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover #*contracted #not retyping all of that #and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim #and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart #and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH #like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles #the bureaucracy is INSANE #i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second #and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH #literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times #like not on the phone after I hung up obvs

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opens-up-4-nobody · 26 days

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#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving.#sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno.#i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity.#again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

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imperpetuallylost · 1 month

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kinda crazy but…

im gay for you

:o no way i’m also gay for u <3

#also i’m fucking exhausted it was a long ass day of robot #i broke down crying for no reason in the middle of my last tech interview for drama #because i was so fucking stressed abt hosting the robotics comp this weekend and waiting on college decisions #and also two of my friends were like in the hospital at the time #one bc they hadn’t eaten in like a week because of an ed and we’re doing really badly #and the other because they had to get stitches bc of sh #but i couldn’t really explain alllll of that to my drama teacher #anyway #i did hear back from one of the schools tho!!!!! and i got in!!!!!!#but they didn’t give me as much money as i would have needed to commit there #so like i probably won’t end up going even tho i really loved the school and it’s kinda my top choice #and also the accepted students days all conflict and i ended up signing up for one that would mean id miss the end of district champs #for robotics if we qualify #which my hopes are vaguely high this year #but now i’m gonna have to miss part of it if we do ://///#and the other more competitive one i’m waiting on hearing from some time this weekend i’ve been checking the portal like every twenty minute #it’s really bad #anyway i’m gonna go take a shower and then go to sleep before i drive myself to another breakdown #idk why the tags of this ask was my place to say all of this but it sure was

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damiemontclair · 4 months

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Is it ridiculous to think maybe this whole hospital thing and related business has mildly traumatised me? Is it ridiculous that I want to write about it in excruciating detail, just get the experience out on paper, on my blog, somewhere? It feels dumb but I want to write fic about it. I think it'd fix me.

#Still haven't really properly cried tho I am kinda tearing up as I write this #I'm not having a good mental health time rn ngl #The callous way some of the docs treated me; the way their sole focus was on reproduction without a single care for the hormones...#The generally terrible way I deal with surgery/post-surgery #It wasn't. As bad? The last few times?#I think I've also made myself forget a lot from the first 2 times #3rd time was more traumatising.#This last one tho... I never stayed for more than a night at the hospital. I never want to stay at a hospital ever again.#I never want to have surgery again #I swear if I have to do that again I will have my panic attack before they even put me under #It was so painful this time and people weren't listening to me at all when I told them the iv wasn't sitting right anymore #Nurses and doctors kept dismissing my opinions and wishes and needs....#It was like as a patient you're less than human.#My arm is still bruised from where they fucked up their blood draws...#I'm so tired but I can't seem to rest #I'm so full of emotions but I can't seem to let them go and *cry*#Its like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop #Pls ignore me amd my rambles I'm just. Not doing too hot rn.#damie talks

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notjanine · 1 year

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what hidden truths are revealed when people who are so so different from each other choose to love you in the same way

#i am thinking this week about how my mom just sent me the exact same ~thinking of you~ card that i have also received from my best friend #how different friends send me the same memes or gift me the same books #how close friends and loved ones remember what time i take my meds and remind me if i forget while we're together #when i'm sharing a meal at someone’s home and the person setting the table asks if i want a big fork or a small one #when people send me photos of random cats or bugs or other creatures they encounter in their day-to-day lives #and how last semester my boss found a beautiful moth and brought it to campus to show me and #my current preceptor found an abandoned wasp nest and brought it to the hospital for me #recently a few friends have told me (separately) that they want to spend more time with me bc they haven't really had female friends before #thinking about how many times i’ve had loved ones who were planning their weddings double check that i DON’T want to be a bridesmaid #how partners keep good vegan ice cream in the freezer because that’s my favorite post-coital snack #when people watch strange movies i love so we can talk about them together #thinking about the first time anyone calls me to say ‘i just wanted to hear your voice’#there is so much love in the world #how do i know if i’m giving enough back? how do i know if i’m doing it right?

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racing-twinks · 29 days

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So I went to the doctor last week and got told I have diabetes, then spent a week in hospital to try get my blood sugar levels back to normal, only to get out of hospital and have my bloodsugar immediately go crazy again... like what do you mean I'm doing the maths just like they told me, taking the insulin in the doses I talked about with my doctor, only to end up super low or super high after eating??? It was all working fine before they let me out but as soon as I do more than laying in bed all day it isn't fine anymore??? Also having to prick my finger all the time to measure and also being super anxious when not measuring cause what if the levels go wheee again in those 3 hours im not measuring??? I know it will all be fine and that I will learn to live with it but I just can't wait until I get my sensor and being able to check my levels all the time to see when and why they go crazy so I can fix my insulin doses accordingly... thankfully my sensor is already approved and I got the message it will arrive on Friday before Easter because this situation of being fine before eating and then being too low or too high a few hours later without warning is making me so nervous and scared. Going to the doctor because I lost a bunch of kilos and was always thirsty just to get told I have developed an autoimmune disease and was close to fainting into a coma is wild. I wasn't expecting that at all and it feels like my life got turned upside down and while I am glad that it is "just" diabetes (cause I am aware it could have been something much worse) and I am accepting it and working on that, the fact it doesn't go like I'm calculating the second I left the hospital makes me so nervous about it all, feeling like I'm doing everything wrong the second im on my own

#personal rant #sorry just had to get this off of me #no one else in my family has diabetes type 1 so im just kinda lost right now #im also paranoid and anxious about doing something wrong so im measuring all the time #the sensor will have alarms for the dangerous zones so hopefully I'll be able to chill #when i know that ill be warned before entering a too low level #cause last time i only noticed cause i started shivering and coudnt keep my hands still anymore #even tho i calculated my insulin just like they told me in hospital #and that method of calculating was giving great results there but as soon as im home its not anymore #at least i dont feel like crying anymore #im just a nervous wreck all the time

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simonghostrileys · 5 months

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i wish i could just die in my sleep but i guess i'm not that lucky

#told my sister about my teeth and she said she couldn't help me #she literally was my last hope #guess i'm now doomed #haven't eaten anything today bc my mouth hurts #my teeth my gums my jaw everything hurts #it's been 24 hours since the last time i ate and it will be more #and the hospital that employed me hasn't given me a contract to start working bc there aren't enough contracts for everyone #and idk when will they give me one so i can start working and start getting money #so yeah. i guess i'm doomed #i just want to die so bad rn i feel so hopeless #i've been crying since the day before yesterday and having breakdown after breakdown #my family don't care and don't want to help me either and my dad is so fucking useless #i don't know what to do i just want my teeth fixed or for my life to end #but i'm such a coward to actually kill myself #suicide mention tw #death tw #liliana talks

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verbumproxen · 2 years

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DEPOSED

There’s very little I wish to preserve of her,

Some things need to die out

In flames or in darkness, I care not.

Some things would have to be deposed to give birth to something new.

#star trek discovery #philippa georgiou #michelle yeoh #a long long long gestating piece i’ve done from last year #i have no idea if i posted this before i have selective amnesia from the events of last year lmao #so anyways this might be my last tumblr post in a while thats not a reblog or something #Uni is starting again and this time im on hospital duty #and its IN PERSON #like gasp #anyways other than my irl life update #this piece is close to me bc I remember being happy about finishing it but then I never got around to posting it #(but I did a bunch of drafts and for the life of me I cannot remember if I ever did post something)#If I did ignore that this ones better #ANYWAYS #you came for philippa #here she is #The scenario is:#Mirror!Michael has assumed the throne #and had her mother’s portraits thrown out #I will not elaborate feel free to do so on your own

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eyesopentv · 8 months

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#miles thots #i posted that tiktok bc it reminded me to start doing it again #i used that technique since i was 13-14 when i would constantly fill my time with things to look forward to even if i wasn’t feeling bad at #the time bc i knew it could just happen and if i didn’t have something then.. that was it #it used to be like school concerts. trips. my favorite shows #then once i got a job and friends i started making actual plans so i’d always have something to do and if it ever got bad enough i’d just go #‘not yet- that person would be annoyed if you missed this’ or ‘no they need you at work’#and every time one event was coming close i made sure to have a new one ready #eventually i started forgetting to set new stuff and it perfectly lined up with my last attempt and at the hospital they told me to try this #method that quite honestly i thought i was so original when i started it #anyways. that video reminded me to start picking things to look forward to again bc without that i wouldn’t have made it past 16 and i sure #as shit won’t be dying before i turn 22 #tw suicide #<almost forgot oops

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homestuck--edits · 1 year

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hey!! i feel bad coming in and requesting so much stuff, so if you dont want to do it, its fine! could i possibly get a talksprite of my oc aontwi with a damara base? she is a limeblood if that helps! thank you so much for all your hard work!

her :))

-mod davesprite

#mod davesprite #homestuck #talksprite edit #talksprite edits heart heart #anyway had comp today #i wasnt allowed to participate but i have a fun story abt finding a place #so last year we hosted at the college which we could do because they had the security guard there on saturdays #this year they didnt meaning wed have to pay his salary for the time he was there #unfortunately we recieve 0 district funding #so we had to find a new spot. tried to go to the ymca #held one comp there (my last one uh. Ever. but we did the best weve ever done !!)#and then this time. six days before competition. they said wed have to pay 50 bucks an hour to compete there again. its a 9 hour competition #so we had to find somewhere else. which i was tasked with #i called: hospital‚ pud‚ civic center‚ city hall‚ local lumber company‚ library‚ tax place‚ senior center‚ fire department‚ and six churches #oh local bus company also #anyway finally person from tax place recommended a coffee shop downtown thatd charge 75 bucks a day for a decent size room #so me n gf went down to check it out. unfortunately theyre only open five hours a day. for a six hour competition. so they couldnt do it #our last options were... visit more churches. the cops ? and... that was all. so we went to get coffee #coffee shop that gave me my cute lemon bracelet :DD! so anyway was complaining to the store owner abt not having a place. and she went #oh would here work? and i went uh. yeah? is it okay if we bring computers? and how long are you open?#she said yeah the computers are fine and we can be open as long as you want ! and i went oh okay. so how much do we have to pay #because wed be occupying the whole place all day. and she said oh no worries :)) free !. and . holy shit. so she called her daughter #who stayed like three hours late today. unpaid. for us to compete #fucking insane this coffee shop has done more for us than the school district has ever. and it was great!!#a lil cramped but cozy and also Coffee. we spent probably 200 bucks on coffee altogether?? hope it was profitable for them they were so nice #gave some of us free stuff fucking insane honestly #also shoutout to the dairy queen for not killing us for walking in with 67 dollars and going give us all the chicken strips this will buy #it was 44 btw. and they gave us a free burger some guy named alex made. i dont know why they did but they wouldnt take no for an answer #anyway im not in a good mood but fuck dude i love local business. i also got a tiny palm reading book to carry around :>

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invisibleoctopus · 2 years

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one thing that always bothers me about gatekeepers/fakeclaimers who are like "we're just making sure people who ACTUALLY have these problems get help we only accept REAL mentally ill people" is that this kind of shit turns away ppl who are questioning and need help with whatever Thing they have going on and it in fact hurts "the REAL not-fakers who ACTUALLY have this mental illness/neurodivergence" who might be discouraged from accessing help because theyre the type of mentally ill that gets terrified of being labeled a faker just for simply being wrong about which mental illness they have

#le p2iigh #this is about me denying being a system for years even though real google searches i made might as well go on systemgooglesearches #if the last part seems oddly specific YES its happened to me before!!!!!#like this shit affects how doctors treat u irl because this was in 2016 when i was hypomanic + actively being traumatized #so naturally not bothering to check whether i had bipolar i went to bpd #bc thats why i thought i was being 'overemotional' and 'overreacting' and generally just dramatic #everyone called me extra but what the fuck do you expect when im responding to being emotionally + psychologically ABUSED #also yes this is when i named myself edge #so anyway all this made me think i had bpd so i said as much one day and my abuser stepmom ratted me out to the therapist #who instead of maybe like. evaluating me for bpd or other personality/mood disorders just basically scolded me #idk what she said that got him completely on her side and basically going along with the abuse (because its the socially acceptable kind)#but yeah thats when i was accused of being a faker by a state mandated therapist and my entire family at the time #even though years later during another manic episode (actual mania this time not hypomania) i was hospitalized #and because i was being a 'difficult patient' they sent me home with pamphlets on how to deal with bpd along with the bipolar ones #SO WHICH FUCKING ONE IS IT. I GET PUNISHED WHEN I SAY I HAVE IT AND I GET PUNISHED WHEN I DONT SAY I HAVE IT

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mrbrightman · 1 year

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😐

#two years ago I had a surgery to correct my crooked septum and it was as if I was reborn #the recovery was a bitch but oh my god the difference between the before and after was amazing #I couldn't believe how much better I felt #welp a few weeks ago I started having bad symptoms again and went to the doctor #she said the septum is crooked again and asked me to consider getting the surgery again :')#how tf does that happen #why is it fucked up again 😭#she was asking if I got into some accident or something but absolutely nothing comes to mind #so idk what to do #I want to be well again but I'm so worried the second time it won't last either #it's not a matter of money cause the health fund covers it but imagine going to the hospital and under anesthesia every two years...#because if that bone is so stubborn how do I know that second time will be final or if I'll need to do it again #can you even do it for the third time #the doctor explained the nose needs about a YEAR to fully heal 😭#bro it's literally one of the tiniest bones why does it have to be such a bitch #chihuahua of the skeleton

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theboy-thebitch-thelegend · 2 years

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#ugh my mom's in the hospital for like the tenth time now and i'm worried but i can't do anything from the other side of the country #no one knows what's wrong with her she's been to so many doctors and this is the third hospital i believe #and like #we're fairly certain she'll survive whatever the fuck is going on but there's still that chance y'know #and my last memory of a conversation with her before she went into hospital this time was her being really homophobic & preachy at me #over the phone for like half an hour #and i was just like mhm mhm mhm. mhm. ok. mhm. bye mom.#like i don't want that to be the possible last interaction #like she's survived shit like this before but every time #i always feel guilty about whatever out last disagreement was and be like #what if that was it #what if she dies thinking i hate her #EVEN WHEN I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG #and also like. idk i'm just worried for her and also for my dad & siblings going thru all this & i'm not there to help #so #it's just a lot right now :/

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