#don’t perceive me or the art at this time I know it’s shit LMAO | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-martyrfication-of-the-matron · 9 months

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Do you know why so many people in the Aphmau tumblr fandom hate Jess/Jason and their relationship? I mean, I get it if it’s just being bothered by how childish her writing can be a lot of the time, but there seems to be way more of a moral panic involved? So I wanna know, did I miss something? Did something happen? Like did a scandal or controversy get revealed that I haven’t heard about yet, or what

Jesson crit/neg. Be an adult and avoid this post if you don’t care for it.

Idk much if anything so… I’ll say what I do know but you’d probably do better asking other people.

Everything that went down with BluJay and their employees, first of all. I don’t know the details, but there was some accusations of mistreatment of workers, and I believe one of their friends even said that Jason would get passive aggressive if he had ever tried to talk to Jess or something?? I think other people would know more on this than me so don’t take everything I say as the objective truth.

There’s a lot of complaints about racism in their series. The things that I have personally noticed are the stereotypical portrayal of Asian (specifically Japanese) characters with Kawaii Chan, characters being allowed to get away with in-world racism without it impacting how they are perceived (Garroth towards Tu’Lan characters in MCD s3, who are often Asian-coded, Katelyn towards Werewolves in MyS, who are also treated as though they are a minority), and how characters do get lighter-skinned throughout the series and the official art. But there might be more I just haven’t picked up on.

The combined duo of: Werewolf Racism being canon, and Jess’ werewolf fetish. Weird thing to combine. Oh, she also made furry a slur for werewolves lmao. It’s just weird idk dude some people take an issue with it, I think she’s just bad rep for the werewolf-loving community.

Aphmau and Aaron’s age gap in PDH (15 and 19, I do believe). Which also ties into the issues people have with Jason, I.e, it’s one year off of when Jess and Jason started talking (she was 16, he was 20). I may be incorrect in saying this, but I think Jess said that she moved in with him when she was 18… so… again, don’t take this as the gospel truth, it’s just something to consider.

Jason himself has a small history of being kind of passive aggressive on Twitter. People aren’t fond of it.

And Jess has done some minorly problematic things. Like shipping her friends who were uncomfortable with it, things like that. Uncomfortable things, but nothing all that major.

There might be more stuff im not aware of, and I’m not entirely sure everything I’m saying is entirely accurate, but you asked me and so I answered. If anyone feels like they can add onto it then please do so, but other than that 🤷

Also, remember that people can change and can make amends for the things they’ve done. As far as I’m aware, Jesson haven’t apologised for any of this stuff, and even if they did, most of them aren’t my apologies to accept, but don’t drag up shit they’ve done if it’s already been dealt with. It’s not worth it.

#Jesson neg #Jesson crit #I don’t Care about Jesson 90% of the time just take this as you will #this is not to be used to attack them. at all. I don’t advocate for that shit don’t do it #aphmau #aphverse #aphblr

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orowyrm · 1 year

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ai art will NEVER be real art even if its “ethically sourced” (lmao) because it lacks human touch, it lacks creativity and care and and genuine effort. you’ll never be a real artist if you’re just feeding a prompt to a robot. develop some talent or die mad, loser

ok first of all everyone get a load of this guy who thinks machine learning algorithms are actual genuine artificial intelligence

second off you just exemplified all of the worst parts of anti-ai arguments. you realize that this is like. word for word the exact shit people used to say regarding digital art ALL the fucking time? straight up i had art teachers try to fail me for doing an assignment in paint tool sai and other such shit because “the computer does it for you, that doesn’t count”. it literally all boils down to

A. a visceral disgust for things that are new and different that people aren’t willing to grapple with or confront

B. some sort of smug superiority that comes from being a “real artist” punching down on anyone whose “talent” you perceive as lesser. i’ve seen people turn around and carry this further and say shit like “you know what, photography and collage aren’t real art either!!!!!” which is SOOO STUPID. you cannot define what is and isn’t art. “talent” is subjective, skill is built and not everyone is capable of the same things, nobody is born with a magic art sparkle inside their brain that makes them inherently a good artist

C. a downright refusal to learn how these things work, even if you don’t like them or don’t plan on using them, and instead just parroting what other people say…when THEY don’t know what they’re talking about and are deriving their point from someone else…. and THAT person is purposefully misconstruing the facts in bad faith because they know that nobody on this damn website has a comprehension of nuance or the ability to think for themselves or fact check when a post sounds scary enough

by all fucking means, don’t take this to be blind support for every and all ai art generator out there. art theft is an issue! it’s a big issue!! but not all machine learning systems are created equal and you can’t make broad sweeping statements about the inherent morality of using what is literally a tool to make pictures, ESPECIALLY when you have no idea how the hell it even works. you’re actively harming the attempts of those who ARE pushing for ethical dataset use because you’re too damn stubborn to do any learning before you speak.

also, for the record, i’m not an ai artist - i don’t have the technical know-how to mess around with code, nor the free time to learn - not that it should matter. i don’t have to have personal stakes to be mad that y’all are being obtuse as hell on the subject

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pianostarinwonderland · 2 years

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Riddle character bingo?

[From here!]

Aaaah my 2nd favorite 🥺

Riddle is the reason why I got into TWST. I first saw him back in March 2019, and I loved him because of his Queen of Hearts motif and his VA being Hanae. I sometimes think about the day that the Heartslabyul trailer was first released, and I listened to Riddle's voice the first time while the theme of the game was playing and the Heartslabyul dorm art flashed in the background. I was so giddy, but also, I was absolutely spellbound. It was a world I never knew before, a world of magic and mystery, with music that enchanted me and a voice that pulled me in.

If you ever saw my very first post in this blog, it was about Riddle. My first pfp was also Riddle because I liked him. But now... well, you know who I like now. 🤡

I wouldn’t super say that I am ‘mentally ill’ about Riddle since I don’t really simp for him. But sometimes, there will be one piece of fanart—or even official art 🧍—where Riddle looks so good, a voice line where he sounds amazing, or a story that highlights his personality in a very appealing way, and I just think, “Shit, why did I not stay with him?” even for a brief moment. No matter how much time passes, Riddle will always appeal to me in a lot of ways. 😭

Now as a player, knowing what Riddle went through, I would love to hug him and cherish him and give him the childhood he never had (and on the side, have a little talk with his mom <3). But damn, if I knew the guy, I'd both be afraid of him and pissed off at him. I'd be afraid because when he's angry over someone breaking the rules, while yes he's explosive, he has that authoritative tone that makes you shudder and go silent. But I'd also be pissed at him because there will come a point where I realize, "Oh, he keeps responding angrily every time someone criticizes the things he does, that's kinda immature lol", and I'd be less afraid and more mad at him lmao

But despite his tyrannical nature, I'd say Riddle is one of the kindest people in NRC. He's polite, he won't swindle you or make you do something in return for a kind deed, he also wants the best for his dorm mates (just expressed in the worst or most misunderstood ways possible). Honestly overall, he's a very good person. And it's so nice to see his real kindness in stories like Deuce's SSR Dorm story. He really just wants people to do well, and no, he doesn't have any ulterior motives (aside from the ego stroke from seeing that he is 'right').

I do love seeing Riddle's dynamics with others because here, you can see how Riddle, a sheltered boy, interacts with his peers, and in turn, this gives more depth to his character. Even if he's one of the nicer people in NRC, Riddle is still very prideful, and he still thinks that he's right. This bleeds into the way he communicates with people. He often assumes people immediately understand why he's telling them to do something, but the reality is, they don't because he doesn't properly communicate with them (as seen when Riddle tells Azul to stand back in chapter 6—Riddle does this so that Azul doesn't get injured especially as a transformed merman, but since he never said those reasons, Azul assumed Riddle sees him as weak, which is a blow to his pride). When people don't outright fight him, Riddle will also assume that he's right because well, they're not really disagreeing with him, yeah? He'll only concede if he perceives the other to be stronger than him (i.e. when Trey overwrote his magic, Riddle was distressed because if Trey is stronger than him and saying that what he was doing is wrong, all the stress he was going through with his mom would mean nothing).

ough I love this little red boi nskdngkjnksngjdkngskngs he's such a good boi

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst jp #riddle rosehearts #ask #ask game

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consumed-by-fandom · 1 year

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Sketchbook tour from hell

Time to show you all a snippet of my previous horrific works and sketches, aka a LOT of panel and shot redraws because I find drawing cartoons to their reference very easy and it’s good practise.

To save you all from eternal scrolling you get a nifty cut.

Starting off we have an attempt at a glitch 3D effect plankton, I’m 90% sure I just took this from some guy who drew the same thing except way better because I was like 15 at the time

(Also excuse the lighting for most of these I kinda took half assed pictures)

Next we have the prelude to a god awful amount of sam and max sketches

You will be seeing many little comments ignore them I don’t know what I was thinking lmao

Thus begins this double page nightmare:

I had a period of time where Max was the easiest motherfucker for me to draw and so I ONLY drew him. I think I drew him so much I can draw him from memory.

Anyway if any of you know metal family I drew a few Dees

All three panel redraws from different videos, highly recommend watching metal family, it’s a russian animated webseries and it’s on season 2 though due to uhh yknow it’s taking a while to get episodes out rn. Maybe avoid the fandom though shit gets a little bAd

Some more random drawings, I’ve always wanted to learn how to draw ren really well, I might get back into it. And a salad fingers too

That second one I was thinking of completing actually

Also you do not see the spamton you do not perceive the spamton

And finally the rough sketch for the wip I will eventually finish (I swear it’ll get done eventually)

You ever use triangles for faces it works surprisingly well

Anyway this concludes my sketchbook tour there was far more in here but they will never see the light of day, in short traditional art is easier for me I just do digital for the colours thank you

#art #sketchbook tour #make use of multi fandom in ur tags ppl #sam and max #metal family #ren and stimpy #i’ll spare the others

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annoyingfobbie · 2 years

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Listen, I’m leaving for art school later this summer, and I wanna have some Goals in mind for the next four years. I’m gonna write it all down here in a post, because, like, this is my blog. and i have nowhere else to write shit. lmao.

So, really, this post is mostly just for me to look back on. My goals for the next four years are written down beneath the cut.

okay, so, I would love to get a job taking pictures at shows for venues or bands. I think it’s more likely I’ll do it for venues, since I’m gonna have to stay in the same city for the next four years and won’t be able to travel around with a band. Luckily, I’ve got some venues that I really really love who tend to have really cool people preform. Like, if I could take photos for The Foundry in Philly, that would be fucking awesome. I’ve seen so many of awesome artists there. Omar Apollo in 2018, The Regrettes in 2019, Girl In Red in 2019, 3OH!3 and Lil Lotus in 2021. Fun shit. It’d be awesome to take pictures at shows and be able to meet these people and take portraits and shit and build my portfolio that way.

I would also love to learn to make clothes at school in the next four years. I’ve always really loved fashion, especially more campy, tacky, sometimes trashy shit. I’ve made alterations to clothes I have but I barely know how to use a sewing machine and I have sooooo many ideas for pieces I would love to make but just don’t know how to. So having the ability and resources to do that would be awesome. and also, like, if I could make clothes and then manage to sell them? that would be so fucking awesome. Sooooo much of fashion is stuff that I absolutely love, but I don’t feel would represent me if I wore it?? Like, when I’m out in public, I like to be seen and perceived as a genderless goth/emo/punk bitch. And there are so many aesthetics that i absolutely love and NEED to make clothes for, but wouldn’t be able to wear because they wouldn’t get me perceived like that. so selling shit would be awesome because then someone else could wear it! also, money. money is great.

I absolutely need to learn how to play bass and drums. I’ve been playing classical guitar for about six years now and I love it so much and playing an instrument is so rewarding and cool, and I would love love love to learn more. I got a bass forever ago for my 18th birthday because I desperately want to learn how to play, but I haven’t had time to learn. Luckily, two of my suitemates in college next year will being going to the music school thats part of my college, and one of them is an Avid Bass Player and also one of my best friends. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to use the resources that my college’s music school provides to learn bass from him. and then drums I can learn from my guitar teacher.

I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE. Like. Bitch. I’m almost 19 and I don’t even have my permit. I got my permit like as soon as I turned 16 (which is when it’s legal in my state) but was rarely ever able to practice driving because my parents are always busy or on call at work, so the permit expired before I was able to get enough practice in to really learn anything. also, driving fucking terrifies me. I get incredibly anxious and freeze up and forget everything and every rule of the road ever. also, i don’t know my left and right, and I’m dyslexic so the whole “hold up your hands in an L shape and the one that isn’t a backwards L is left!” doesn’t work for me. and I read speed limits backwards half the time. Like say the speed limit is 45, I’ll read it as 54. which is not good. Anyways, I have to fucking learn to drive.

and then theres just the gender stuff: legally changing my name, getting top surgery, looking into possibly going on T. all that complicated ass shit.

okay those are my goals for the next four years. i hope at least one works out.

#to look at later

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kirinda-ondo · 11 months

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I genuinely don’t really know how other people perceive my art style. Like I know I draw funny expressions, that’s like the first (and usually only) thing people tell me, but like does it ever remind people of anything, even when i’m not specifically trying to draw or invoke that thing? Does it make them feel a certain way? Are there things people notice (or even like?) that maybe I don’t notice? Do I draw like I’m secretly into something specific? (I mean probably not, but even “lmao your shit is so vanilla actually” is still an idea of how it’s perceived lmao)

Like I know what goes into my art style, I concocted it, but I don’t always know how well my intentions get across beyond like “haha funny faces/poses” and “oh boy, kateh’s drawing the same character again for the 9375374593720340577th time” lmao Like someone told me not long ago that they thought I had good understanding of shapes and that even the lines that were really messy in my opinion were actually really clean, and someone else told me they actually really liked the sketchiness of my pencil drawings and kind of miss that in my digital art era. Like that’s shit that I never would have guessed because nobody’s ever told me before! Other people’s perceptions are so wildly different to mine! It’s really fascinating, but that kind of feedback is so very rare lol

#and that's why i reblog those posts wondering what sort of vibes my art gives off (even the weird ones)#this isn't me like trying to whine or demand feedback or that you answer any of the questions posed here #it's almost 3 am and i'm just rambling lol

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audreydoeskaren · 3 years

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do you know Chinese symbolism for homosexuality?

tw homophobia, pedophilia

Hi again, for gay men there are a couple really well known ones but I’m not sure if they were real or fabricated, because all the articles describing them always cite the same couple sources from Antiquity... I tried to verify them but the only articles that didn’t copy and paste from the same source came across as extremely homophobic, so I decided to give up. The most common and reliable one is probably 断袖 or “cut sleeve”, which I mentioned in a previous ask. I would like to use this opportunity to talk about some tangential but more important topics regarding homosexuality in China though.

As a followup to my previous ask where I said I'd look through some Ming and Qing novels to see how homosexuality was perceived at the time, the conclusion I (unfortunately) came to was that homophobia was very much alive and well in Chinese literature and society. A lot of people like to argue that gay people fared pretty well in China historically by either pointing to emperors who were or were rumored to be gay or time periods where gay sex was prevalent as a form of consumption. This is extremely shallow and also kind of Orientalist in my opinion, these arguments always go for the emperors and do not take nuance into consideration or dive into wider societal discourses on homosexuality in imperial China. If you research homosexuality in Europe by only looking at royalty, you’ll find plenty of homosexual behavior too, does that mean gay people had it very easy in Europe historically?? Not to mention that they usually don’t differentiate between dynasties, let alone centuries or decades, even though public opinion on homosexuality in China (or anywhere in the world tbh) could change very quickly. This is also sort of Orientalist, assuming “imperial China” to be a never changing entity with a never changing stance on homosexuality. Since I know nothing prior to the Ming Dynasty I’ll share some of my random findings on homosexuality and homophobia in the Ming, Qing and 20th century.

Gayness as disease

Nowadays the symbol of the cut sleeve is just a benign historical allusion but historically it seems that it was used in a negative and condemning sense, implying that people thought of homosexuality as a disease or deviation from the norm. The common phrase used for the cut sleeve is "断袖之癖", usually translated as "the passion of the cut sleeve" nowadays, but the meaning of the word 癖 here leans more toward "fetish", "obsession" or "hobby" with pathological connotations. I thought maybe this word had a different, nuanced meaning historically but it seems that it was used to describe what it means :(( The only silver lining is probably that with the progression of language it isn’t offensive anymore.

In a lot of popular novels from the Ming and Qing, homosexuality was depicted as a "perversion" and a decadent lifestyle that plagues morality, and gay characters were often either killed or straightened out by the end of the story. An example of this is the story 黄九郎 Huang Jiulang from the series 聊斋志异 Strange Tales from a Chinese Studio by 蒲松龄 Pu Songling written in the 17th century. In this story, one of the protagonists was gay; he died after confessing his love to the other guy in a very fast paced bury your gays arc which somehow reminded me of the Supernatural finale, and reincarnated as a straight man because of his piety. Thanks I hate it. Pu uses the symbol of the cut sleeve to refer to the protagonist, presumably in a negative manner.

Gayness as power/status symbol

Another thing was that historically in China a lot of people confused homosexuality with pedophilia. This is a global thing, but its presence in China is often overlooked. This could be seen in the popularity of another term for homosexuality, "娈童", meaning something similar to "pederasty". I read somewhere that since the late Ming, pederasty was considered a type of tasteful consumption for high society, along with things like fashion, food, music and art. This was not equivalent to the "cut sleeve" or homosexuality as we know it nowadays, which refers to a personal sexual orientation, pederasty historically often refers to an imbalanced power dynamic where a wealthy, privileged man takes advantage of a young boy as a leisurely activity. It’s more to show off that someone in a position of privilege and wealth has the power to procure sexual objects, gender and age don’t matter much in this regard. I cannot help but cringe violently whenever someone brings up pederasty as proof of China’s historical “openness” toward gay people. Talk to me again when in this time and place you could marry someone of your sex (not a minor) and be considered a respectable couple instead of two jerks with a degenerate fetish (not saying that gay people have to marry, it’s just that the ability to do so is an important indicator of equality imo). Pedophilia and homosexuality are not one and the same good heavens.

I hypothesize that the reason why Chinese society was historically homophobic despite having no religious condemnation of homosexual individuals was the idea that having many concubines and male children was a status symbol for men. Women of marriageable age were seen more or less as commodities and male children could supposedly "continue the bloodline" 传香火 and were vessels for passing down prestige, so having them were of utmost importance to a privileged man. Being just gay or lesbian, however, meant that you didn't perform the "man strong working woman weak making babies" heteronormative family prototype, and was thus prone to criticism. When gay men didn’t have children they “couldn’t continue their bloodline” and were emasculated, when gay women didn’t have children they failed to “fulfill their duties as a woman” and were shamed.

It kind of makes sense considering how being bisexual was never a problem in comparison, especially for men. If you were a rich guy who had both male and female partners, you would still have children and concubines both male and female so nobody gives a shit. Emperor Zhengde of the Ming (reign 1505-21) was presumably bisexual and had both male and female lovers, nobody had a bone to pick with that; he famously liked to fuck around but those who criticized him did so for his debauchery instead of focusing on the gender of his partners. This is different to homophobia in Europe where same sex attraction was considered evil and immoral in and of itself because of religious reasons, in China it was rather the other practical implications of homosexuality (not having children or a family) that attracted hate.

By the way can we just take a moment to talk about bi erasure in Chinese history. From all accounts of Emperor Zhengde I’ve read he comes across as extremely bisexual, but a lot of people try to make him a gay icon? I mean, he liked women too.

One interesting homophobic angle in ye olde China which I find kind of funny was straight women who wanted to climb the social ladder by marrying rich men talking shit about them after figuring out they were gay lmao. Historically, there were not so many work opportunities for women, so the easiest way to improve social standing was to marry a rich and powerful guy. Not saying that women didn't work, they did but their upward social mobility was restricted because they couldn't enter the imperial examination system which was how men became rich and powerful. This angle is relatively benign and kind of helps illustrate that historical Chinese homophobia was indeed fueled by classism and patriarchy.

Gayness as crime

I used to think that there were no anti-sodomy statutes in China (laws prohibiting sex between gay men), but it turns out that there was one decree in the Jiajing era (1521-67) and one in 1740, and private gay sex was not actually decriminalized until 1957. Same sex marriage is still not legal in China at time of writing. I couldn’t find detailed information on what these laws entailed or how they were enforced, but they’re enough to prove that homosexuality in China was legally punishable from the 16th century onward. On top of that, even when there was no law prohibiting private sex acts between people of the same sex, displays of gay affection such as kissing or holding hands could still be legally punished under “public indecency” or “hooliganism”, which was frequently what happened in the 20th century.

#lgbt #queer history #chinese history #gay #mlm #ming dynasty #qing dynasty #republican era

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depressing-debbie · 3 years

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Are you still doing the fluff alphabet? If so, could you do Levi?? Thank you 😘

Absolutely! Fluff alphabet masterlist is here

School may be crashing and burning but at least I’ve got time to write :) lmao

I wrote this at 3 AM and I refuse to edit, so enjoy <3

Fluff Alphabet: Levi

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

I honestly don’t think the activity matters to him. He likes to stay home a lot because it’s easier, and because he feels more comfortable somewhere private. Big fancy dates aren’t super common because he views expensive romantic dinners and such as a cliche that he’s too old and mature for, but if it’s something his s/o would be excited about, he’d be secretly excited to indulge sometimes. He’d also probably enjoy museums and art galleries. But again, for the most part, he just wants to spend time with them, it doesn’t matter where.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

Levi’s definitely not an appearance-oriented person. Don’t get me wrong, he thinks his s/o is stunning, and he makes sure they know it. But that’s not what he admires about them, their connection is so much deeper than that. He genuinely sees them for who they are and not what they look like, which is why they’re just so beautiful to him, if that makes sense.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

He probably panicked the first time he saw his s/o struggling. He’s not the most in tune with his emotions, so he especially doesn’t know how to help others with this kind of thing. But I feel like his protective instincts would kick in and he would actually be really comforting. Most likely, he’d just sit by his s/o’s side silently and make his presence known until they were feeling well enough to talk. At which point he hears them out and offers some advice, of course with the perfect amount of sarcasm and shit jokes to cheer them up a bit. And he’d probably ask them later what they would prefer he do in that situation if it happens again, which of course he would remember in the future.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

This is a point of internal conflict for Levi, for sure. After everything he’s been through, again, he’s become pretty emotionally closed off. He can’t really depend on anything or anyone staying in his life for too long because they never have. So it would really take a while before Levi can really start to picture his future with his s/o. Even then, he would feel a bit guilty for allowing himself to indulge in those dreams. But at the end of the day, he just dreams about some sort of stability with his s/o some day. He doesn’t really care about the details, he just wants to know that they’re going to be together, and that they can develop some kind of routine and stability that he never really had in the past.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

It’s definitely equal. Levi shares any decision-making with his s/o, and he’d definitely prefer that they do the same, just because that makes their partnership stronger. Because they are very much a team.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Levi does tend to have a bit of a temper, but it’s not something that he would ever want to bring into his relationship. He doesn’t let either of them fight over something petty just because it’s not worth it. And with a more serious disagreement, he’d try hard to start a genuine discussion about it. Things happen, though, so they obviously get in fights sometimes. Levi can be kind of rude when he gets really frustrated, which is why he tries to avoid it. But he’d never actually say something to hurt his s/o, even when they’re both upset. Usually, even the rare argument calms down enough to be settled rationally.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He is so incredibly grateful for his s/o; he sees and appreciates everything they do for him, and he makes sure it’s known. Explicitly saying something like that makes him a bit uncomfortable, so he finds other ways to silently show his gratitude. He makes sure his s/o’s favorite mug is always clean, and he makes them his favorite blend of tea whenever he sees that they’re stressed out. Just little things that he does to make sure they know he’s thinking about them.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

There are pretty much no secrets in the relationship. The past is a little complicated; there are a few stories that Levi probably will never be able to share (or at least, it will take a very long time), and his s/o is more than entitled to keep secrets about their past that they just cannot share. But other than that, it’s an open book. Levi wouldn’t see any reason to lie about most things, unless it’s about keeping his s/o safe, and it would make him really uncomfortable to know that his s/o keeps secrets. Not that there are no boundaries, it’s just that he wouldn’t want to pour his heart out and be vulnerable just to find out that the other person doesn’t trust him as much.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

I think Levi’s s/o probably helps him a lot, actually. He’s been emotionally closed off for a long time, and being in a relationship with trust and a deep connection would help him to open up a bit and be more vulnerable. He also just lets himself be a bit happier and more optimistic with his s/o, so his life is just a bit easier in general.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’d never admit it out loud, but he actually does get pretty jealous. It’s mostly just self esteem issues, not a lack of trust at all. He trusts them more than enough to know that they’re not going to secretly abandon him, so of course he’d never make a big deal out of it (although I think it goes without saying that if someone is hitting on his s/o or something in public and they look remotely uncomfortable, he would go absolutely batshit) But, still, sometimes he can’t help feeling sometimes like he’s not enough for them. He tries to hide it, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s sulking when he’s upset, so his s/o would most likely spot it immediately. And all he would really need is a gentle reminder that he IS enough for them.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Alright I’m conflicted on this one. I’m just gonna say it, his first kiss with his s/o was kind of just not that great. He wouldn’t DARE not ask for proper consent, HOWEVER he ended up asking like three times just to make sure it was alright, which made it a teensy bit awkward. Once he finally gave in, he just gave them the teensiest little kiss and that was it for like two weeks. He’s not really great with physical touch so it takes a while for him to get comfortable. His s/o would probably have to take over from there or else they’d never kiss again, but once he gets comfortable, he does fine.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

It’s during something incredibly mundane, probably just a car drive or a regular movie night. He’s going about his day when he realizes he loves them, and he’ll be damned if he’s gonna stew on that knowledge for another two weeks just because he’s too nervous. So in the middle of a movie or just like halfway home from the store, he just blurts out “hey, I love you”. It’s completely by surprise, but it’s not like it’s particularly early or far into the relationship, so it makes sense. From then on, he wouldn’t be the type of person to say it all the time (I mean, come on, his s/o should know by now, it’d just be stupid). But he also wouldn’t hold himself back from saying it when he’s feeling particularly grateful for his s/o one day. And hearing them say it back would definitely make him blush just the slightest bit every time.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Levi would be absolutely terrified to get married. BUT that’s not to say that he wouldn’t want to. It would take some considering, sure, but especially if it’s something he knows his s/o wants, he’s all in. He’d probably propose in a similar way to how he first said he loves them, except at least just a bit more planned out. It wouldn’t be a cliche grand proposal with doves and rose petals and champagne, that would drive him crazy. Most likely, he surprises them with a homemade dinner, sets the table with candles, and hands them the ring. He’d put on a confident face, but he’s panicking for sure. He’s not really a marriage-y person, so he’s not going to be buying those matching couple towels that have like “mr ackerman” and his s/o’s name on them, and he’s most definitely not giving in to those cheesy weird nicknames (”hubby” makes him glare so hard). But he would love the perceived sense of stability, commitment, and routine that go along with marriage.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Just their name, for the most part. Maybe “love” or “sweetheart”, but he always says that most nicknames are just too cliche. I mean, only lovestruck 20 year olds call each other “babe”, and that is most certainly not their relationship. But, honestly he wouldn’t mind if his s/o gave him one of those cheesy names... not that he’d ever let on to that, of course, but if they happen to figure it out one day... he wouldn’t be mad. Mostly he just loves to hear his name in their voice, so they call each other by their names.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

The token stoic expression Levi keeps in public isn’t going away just because he’s in love. To an outside eye, absolutely nothing is different. But even in public, his s/o can probably tell. Maybe it’s something about the way his eyes are just slightly warmer, slightly brighter. Maybe it’s because he’s just the slightest bit more willing to talk and hold a conversation when they’re by his side. But when they’re alone, he finally lets down that stone expression, and he’s like a whole different person. It doesn’t happen often, but on days where he’s just absolutely lovestruck, he walks around his house smiling, holding his s/o’s hand, maybe even curling up on the sofa together to nap. On those days, he just kind of lets himself be happy.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Levi’s definitely not a fan of PDA. The relationship isn’t a secret by any means, but he’s also not broadcasting it for the entire world to see. The people close to him know, and that’s plenty. He doesn’t like PDA partly because it’s too vulnerable, but also just because it’s kind of gross and unnecessary to him.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

This man has the best memory of anyone you’ll ever meet. It’s honestly a bit unsettling, but he remembers everything his s/o says, and he’ll find a way to bring it up like months later. Sometimes it’s as simple as remembering their favorite food and bringing it to them when they’re stressed out. But it could even be so crazy as them saying in a random conversation in July that they hate when mashed potatoes aren’t totally mashed, and boom, at Thanksgiving that year, they find him mashing the potatoes a little extra just to make sure. (Don’t ask how I came up with that example, my brain is weird.) His mind is a steel trap, and he uses it to his advantage.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Cliche romance irritates him so much, he avoids it at all costs, so he’s mostly creative in that sense. He has an eye for picking out ways to make his s/o happy, and even though he doesn’t consider himself particularly romantic, he actually really is.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Absolutely! Levi wants nothing more than to help his s/o achieve whatever they’re working towards, and he’s completely supportive. Anything he can do, any help or emotional support he can offer them, he’s more than willing.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

I don’t think he’s AGAINST trying new things, but he really just prefers a routine. Again, it makes him happy to have that connection of stability with his s/o, and he feels so much more comfortable knowing he can depend on that.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

He’s very empathetic. He might struggle sometimes with understanding, just because it’s not very likely that he and his s/o have had similar experiences in life, but he knows them like the back of his hand. What he lacks in immediate understanding, he makes up for in conversations about any issues and an ability to read their expressions really really well.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Honestly, if Levi is in a long term relationship with someone, they’re one of the most important parts of his life. He doesn’t make superficial connections, and he especially doesn’t open up to people he doesn’t care deeply about, so it’s safe to say that he values his s/o greatly.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

He buys his s/o flowers once a week. It’s just a little tradition that makes him happy, and he likes seeing that it makes his s/o happy, so he’s kept it going. If they don’t like flowers, then maybe it’s a little trinket they collect, or a cookie from their favorite bakery. But regardless, he hasn’t missed a week since they’ve been together, it’s really important to him.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He’s not necessarily an overly affectionate person. There are occasional days where it really just hits him how lucky he is, and he just wants to hold his s/o for a while and not go do anything that day. But for the most part, he’s not clingy in any means, and his s/o would have to initiate most cuddling. He’ll let them know if he’s really not in the mood, but he usually doesn’t mind (because let’s face it he’s a teensy bit touch starved). But yeah, he shows his affection in different ways for the most part.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

It’s not really an issue for him. He’s always been an independent person, so even after he lets himself trust that his s/o isn’t leaving him, he’s not going to be that level of dependent on their presence. He probably would have to fill up his schedule a bit more, though, just so he didn’t have too much down time to get all sad and miss them. He’d also probably clean everything in his sight to calm down until they return.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He’s zealous for sure, he isn’t about to let go of a relationship that means this much to him just because he wasn’t willing to put in the work. He’d do as much as he could to make it work.

#attack on titan #attack on titan headcanons #aot headcanons #aot #shingeki no kyojin #snk #shingeki no kyojin headcanons #snk headcanons #levi #levi ackerman #fluff alphabet #levi fluff

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farty-city · 3 years

Text

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say.

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up”

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty”

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

panic attack

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content?

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade. John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy.

I hope this has given him peace

#i am so sorry for clogging the feed #bo burnham #inside #inside bo burnham #make happy #what.#words words words #bo fo sho #oh bo

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yellowocaballero · 3 years

Note

ok so I know you said you weren’t gonna explain daisy and then you did, and I want u to know I love when you explain your stories, almost as much as the stories themselves. I both envy and admire the way you think about characters and the way you build your stories and put all these elements together. bc this was a silly story and I laughed almost the whole way through, but there were moments with genuine meaning (ok gertude and jon conversation and about being a very nice boy and all that really got me bc like when am I not having feeling about jon lmao). So then I have Many Feelings about this silly story that are both heartfelt and just pure amusement and I go to you tumblr and then you talk about this story in a way that just makes me love it more. I think it’s bc you write stories where the pov is generally from only one character and when I read the story it’s like I can tell the other characters are having thoughts and feelings deep enough as the pov character, but for the most part, these rich inner lives or just lives separate from the pov character can’t really be perceived. Like it’s all there, but bc we are only seeing it from one characters pov, then there are things we aren’t going to see. And that’s really cool bc like, your characters are real enough that even tho things aren’t outright stated, I can tell there is so much happening “behind the scenes” so to say. It’s neat bc to read what your processes that went into writing a story is satisfying bc it’s like, ok here is what’s happening without the unreliable narrator. Idk as someone who is perpetually confused on why people do what they do (even myself sometimes lol), I like coming here where you explain things so well. Idk this is getting too long so just gonna say that I just really like what you do haha

;_______; Thank you so much. I’m always stressing out that I talk too much and go on too long about stuff nobody cares about lol. I’m also always pretending that I’ve thought stuff out or that I know exactly what I’m doing when I really don’t. I do objectively talk quite a bit about stuff here, but in my defense almost nobody irl knows that I write, at all. They think I don’t have hobbies.

I’m glad it heightens the experience, though, I didn’t think about it that way. Rise of Skywalker Rule: people shouldn’t need to hear your word of god to understand what’s going on. But I really do hate writing multiple POVs (I only do it when it’s absolutely necessary) for a lot of reasons, but definitely it means that a lot of the behind the scenes character work you do goes unseen. But...even if you don’t see it, you know when it’s not there. A lot of technique in art is like that - invisible unless it’s bad lol. Take Daisy in TCF - it is blindingly evident that I did not really know what was really going on with her until much later in the story. My #1 frustration with that fic - just because Daisy will never tell Jon what’s going on, that’s not an excuse for me not knowing.

But I do think a lot of a story is a supporting cast. I really sincerely hate it when a story is winnowed down to Main Character and Love Interest, and everybody else is a flat prop for that. I was reading a super fabulous Stucky fanfic the other day that was gorgeously written, but...none of the supporting characters had conversations with Steve that weren’t about Bucky. It was like some kind of terrifying Lotus Eater Machine hellscape. Imagine if nobody around you had rich inner lives, that they didn’t have their own rationales for what they did, that they had lives outside of you - that literally their only role in your life was to get you together with your boyfriend. Disturbing. (This was another parodied thing in Sucker’s Bet) A lot of Jonmartin fics are guilty of this too, frequently even worse.

So, it’s kind of this dual thing for me - I have to know 10 things about a character and only 1 of those things will appear in the story. This is why I spent so long going on about how I know character’s religions lol. And even if you don’t know these things, it’s obvious when it’s not there. My stuff gets bloated because I insist on giving every major character a character arc and it is terrible of me (Solitaire was a hellscape). Even in the joke arson story - Jon, Sasha, and Tim all needed their individual character arcs, and even though Gerry and Daisy were more plot based characters you still got a strong sense of their lives.

But the flipside is that as I’ve mentioned I don’t do OCs and I just adjust everyone based on the needs of the story. Character is fluid and flexible for me so rarely anything is set in stone. I’m always spinning a ton of plates. I think when you know too much about your character and their background you end up stubbornly forcing a square peg into a round hole sometimes. For all I’ve talked about knowing characters - sincerely please don’t think about it too hard it’s useless. I don’t get too attached to any one characterization. Most of the time, the characterization in the story organically grows as the story develops. Some of the time I only really get a character as I write the final scene, then I have to go back and rewrite a bunch. There is a tremendous amount of characters who only really clicked for me as I wrote a final climactic scene (HR!Jon, TCF!Daisy and Web!Jon but specifically in Evilcon are the worst offenders, but also TCF!Annabelle, BBC!Gerry, SC!Daisy...).

Anyway if you want the reason why I write so many side stories it’s because I finish a story and I just GOTTA tell you EVERYTHING I know about Agnes and Gerry or whatever (how did they meet? Jon will never know!). Legitimately for anyone who’s read Solitaire I highly recommend the Tim side story because Melanie is probably the most unreliable narrator I’ve ever written and there is this entire fucking storm of shit going under the surface of that Tim. Just because he got so complicated. I’ve been churning out a shitton of HR!Jon stories just to fucking try and get the character to click for me. It just goes on and on. As usual I’m both putting too much thought and not enough thought into things - the only way I really hammer out these things is by writing just an insane quantity of words, which is not the most. efficent way.

Sometimes I feel as if I’m hindering myself by not writing multiple POVs but also fuck that. Thank you for the super sweet ask I loved it!

#my writing #me crying over being validated for my insanely long posts:#yeah honestly the best POV characters are the ones like Melanie and Jon who are just so oblivious to everything #yes if I write a martin story I can have him notice things #but where's the fun in that #Melanie is the single most influential person in her universe and she has no idea #she has an archive defense squad and she has no idea #every time she talks daisy is standing behind her flashing her gun and she has no idea #tim and sasha individually swear loyalty to her WHILE SHE'S BULLYING THEM and she has n oidea #solitaire was so traumatic it burned out all desire to write side space cadet stories but #haha unless?

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shikidrawdraw · 3 years

Text

things I would tell myself earlier about art school

(and my bottled up opinions (I’ll keep adding onto this))

ARE GRADES IMPORTANT???

I think after being in art school for almost half a year, I realise a lot and a lot of people’s primary focus is on grades.

While I think that overall grades tell you how you’re performing, I also think when you art in art school you shouldn’t focus on it as much as your own personal art journey.

Art is very subjective, I think everyone knows this, what lecturers (in my college at least) helps you do is build skills and learn programs. Yes they do teach art fundamentals, but what a lot of students don’t understand is that as much as you learn those fundamentals, you can only get good at it with practice, which a lot of them don’t do.

So far from what i’ve observed is that lecturers focus on is to get good reviews. And i’m not saying this is a bad things at all, I kind of think they get into this position enthusiastically wanting to pass down knowledge but then get bad reviews from students telling them they don’t have feedback. So they have to change their whole teaching which makes them unhappy because all students focus on are grades, which kinda sucks as a cycle ngl.

Getting good grades or focusing on grades is not a bad thing. But what a lot of people don’t understand is that grades are really meaningless sometimes.

You design a website, you constantly get feedback, but the feedback is directly telling you to change specific things. You change them because you’re asked to so you get a good grade. But then what are you learning about layout design? students complain about their work not being accepted and having to change so many things all the time, (which btw i don’t doubt for a second this will be worse in the actual industry), but they don’t understand why they have to change those things. So in the end of this you get a good grade, but you don’t understand WHY you got a good grade which defeats the whole point of education.

I have not given two shits about my grades SINCE i’ve entered art school because I know that at the end of the day, whatever i’m learning in college will only amount to such a tiny portion of what I can learn on my own.

So are grades important? yes, if you want to pass. But to your own personal journey? no. Because it’s ridiculous to compare art grades when it’s so subjective and everyone has their own levels and skillsets.

WHY ARE YOU IN ART SCHOOL THEN???

Good question, I ask myself that question every single photoshop class I have. JK ROWLING, as much as I shit upon art school there are still a lot of pros for me.

But first I will bestow for you my life story and why I made this decision anyways. See, all my life, i’ve never had the most conventional of regular life. I chose to go to college in general because I wanted to experience what being a “normal student in my own country with a group of friends that I can feel comfortable with” felt like. And while I was trying to experience this I realised not one but two very depressing and also reliving facts.

A group of friends is never going to magically appear in front of me with cool dyed hair and piercings. unfortunately I just have a lot of social anxiety that stems from my fear of being perceived, which I have to solve on my own

Everyone is going to forget me when I graduate

Now see, with my fear of being perceived and the fact that i’ll forget everyone and they’ll forget me, i’m literally free to just go apeshit in art school. Which is kinda dope, and also, just straight up sad LMAO.

So basically by going to college/art school I kinda learn about my own culture and about real life people I have to communicate with, and how to communicate, which is WHY I went in the first place. In general, i’m using art school as a catalyst for my experience in the human life.

WAIT BUT WHY SHOULD I GO THEN????

Dawg i’m going to be straight up honest with you, if you want to go then sure, butttt if you truly want to learn art, there are so many resources online that you should def practice on your own free time.

https://medium.com/i-m-h-o/dont-go-to-art-school-138c5efd45e9#.m83xp5b21

This is the gist of what i’m trying to say. First of all, get a vague idea of what art field you want to do, and try and do it by yourself first. It just takes a lot of commitment.

Good pros are that if you go to art school for art, you really do have resources, community, and space to do whatever. Getting instant feedback is chill (but remember that you truly only get feedback when start working)

HOW DO I KNOW WHAT ART FIELD I WANNA GO IN???

Shiki, myself, my pookie pie, gravy, you don’t even need to figure this out that early. Just take whatever makes you feel happy.

BUT IF I CAN JUST LEARN EVERYTHING ONLINE THEN WHY?

Because you’ve been wanting to have a stable social life since you were 7 years old, and this is your chance to change as a human being and get one or not, to just be better, and that’s enough for you

Because you want to be challenged, because you want to do art, because you want to try animation, because you want motivation, because you want to find yourself, because you want to be better, because you’re sick of online education and want real human contact, because you’re human! so just do it! just go! stop being sad over things you have control over

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falloutboywife · 3 years

Text

i want to start this off by saying i am infintitely grateful for all the support i've gotten while i was away, and i cannot express enough how much it means to me to know i have so much support during such a frustrating part of my life, even if i'm only showing you guys one part of it. i cannot tell you enough how thankful i am, and i'm going to respond to as many messages as i can tomorrow because this has taken a lot of time and energy for me to write and piece together emotionally

i definitely think the other week when i made that lengthy post about my identity and my place in online spaces may have been a bit of an overreaction, however while i've had some time to think about it on my own i think that just avoiding tumblr outright is causing me to become pretty insular in how i'm perceiving the entire situation, which isn't made any easier for me considering when i ask my friends who've been seeing it unfold what their opinions on it are, their responses have been pretty mixed.

as a whole, i think that being in online fandoms, as an outspoken artist (outspoken in this sense meaning redacted and fat kid fuckery, both shameful and heretical topics few dare to mention), tends to inflate my ego in a way i don't really find desirable. meaning people who are super kind and friendly towards me and who give me a lot of positive attention, while reassuring and definitely welcomed, tends to lean into people admiring me for reasons i don't really understand, and this can also end up trapping me into a certain role to fulfill in a community because of the kind of attention i tend to reward and validate, i.e. fat kid fuckery in my dms, which leads to the expectation of me being this sort of bastion of hornyposting where all evil (affectionate) thoughts are encouraged and endorsed.

on the other end of the spectrum, and if you know what i'm talking about then you know, i tend to attract a lot of negativity from people i've never interacted with or had any intention of interacting with, and this has been an issue for me pretty much the entire time i've used social media (me adding hornyposting as a facet to my personality is really recent, like i only started doing this late 2017 and i'm really tired of it by now but. again. it's what people expect of me, more on that later), and i'm not entirely sure how to make it stop. granted, when i was a lot younger, i was genuinely an asshole, but i want to stress a very important thing i think very few of my followers on here are aware of

i'm 28 and only just now aware of the fact that i'm autistic, and i was misdiagnosed with bipolar when i was 13 and because none of the treatment or therapy worked, i always thought there was something really wrong with me, so i couldn't actually learn how to cope with a lot of my problems in a productive way until recently. so yeah, i was a jackass when i was younger, and i can be a jackass in private sometimes when i'm under a lot of stress, but having this realization about myself is really helping me a lot on its own

and being autistic, people can think i'm annoying or obnoxious or irritating and that, juxtaposed with content or opinions they might personally disagree with, can make people very angry just inherently. i've spoken with my friends about how i can't seem to shake off any drama that i really, really have nothing to do with or any interest in, and the only ones who could really relate were other autistic people. my own friend actually told me that she thinks this is something i'm just going to have to struggle with my entire life, because even if it's not being horny or advocating for sexual positivty, i'm ALWAYS doing something that will piss someone off

(quick disclaimer: i know some of you are probably going to try to engage in bad faith arguments with me saying that i'm calling all my haters ableist, and if anyone tries to insinuate that this is the conclusion i'm coming to, i'm not only ignoring your ask but blocking you as well. i'm also not answering any asks trying to insinuate that i "need help" simply because of the type of fiction i enjoy, when the issue was HOW i was engaging with it, which i think i have made exceedingly clear.)

i think it's funny that me clearly being into waycest and clearly being into babystump is lost on people to the point where they feel they need to make callout posts "warning" people about the fact that i'm...openly and unabashedly interested in this shit, but the very second i say "actually i'm asexual but i'm glad you guys are so sexually open about yourselves and your interests" i lost more followers than any active campaign trying to cancel me, which is exactly what i fucking mean when i say this is what people expect of me

so i can't really make anyone happy in the current environment i've curated for myself because it is expected of me to maintain this personality and continue engaging in this nature of content regardless of my own personal feelings on the matter, because if i want to break free from it then i risk pissing people off. i also can't just act how i want or make the kind of jokes that i want or enjoy the kind of things i want anyway because simply by having a mental disability that effects how i engage with people socially, i am risking ostracizing myself by pissing the wrong people off and ultimately making things a lot worse than they otherwise would be

however. However. even if this is exactly how i feel, this isn't entirely a situation that is exclusive to this current blog, and when i said in the beginning i was taking this too seriously, i still mean that, and i think that my own personal problems with being in online fandoms stem from external factors that have nothing to do with this website. i'm almost 30 and a lot of my life this past decade has been very stagnant due to severe depression, with no real progress towards furthering my life in any meaningful way, and i think that what i was really frustrated with when i made that post was this very factor. in conjunction with this, i use online spaces a way to try to find an open and accepting community of people i can befriend and be myself in, because my undiagnosed autism has historically made it difficult for me to really socialize with people in a productive way that didn't make me feel like an outcast. i think a combination of the fact that online spaces are becoming increasingly more difficult for me to adapt to, as well as incresingly unfulfilling, adding to the lack of fulfillment in the rest of my life, was the subconscious realization i came to when i decided to make that post and take a break from tumblr for a bit. i'm frustrated that i have no fulfillment in my life, and i can no longer find it in online spaces that i used to enjoy and find so much meaning in

this being said, i'm actually doing shit with my life at long last. i'm enrolled in classes for an english degree, and i'm going to subsequently get an associates in creative writing that i'll be able to complete in a single semester after the fact, leaving me with two whole degrees under my belt that i can use in developing my future in the literary world. i'm taking my art more seriously as well, although i only post my bandom and lotr drawings on here, and i'm thinking of making an instagram account to start posting my art on there as well, as a sort of portfolio. i'm sick of this ongoing feeling of there being no meaning in my life, and i'm sick of feeling like i'm just wasting away and putting my mind to no use, and the immense joy i got just from seeing my class schedule for the fall semester made me realize that i am an intellectual, i'm an academic, and i'm in love with media and literary studies and this is what i find meaning in. this shit makes me so fucking happy and when i finished the picture of dorian gray the other day i IMMEDIATELY went on a tirade about its themes and symbolism just to myself and that, alone, was so fucking rewarding. i've been watching movies with my friend sweaterangst and just describing the themes of the horror used in the fucking texas chainsaw massacre movies made me feel so fulfilled even if he might have barely been listening LMAO i find meaning in seeking out complex and thought-provoking pieces of work and i

absolutely

am not getting that being on tumblr and talking about how i'm gonna let the fat kid deepfry me at the state fair (affectionate) (delusional) (severe)

with that being said, yes, i'm still asexual and i don't get fulfillment from purely sexual discussion, but i think i'm still gonna be answering asks about the sexy stuff so long as i find it engaging to a degree. i'm gonna start trying to use the guys you say as creative writing exercises because in the beginning that's what the fucking smut started as LMAO but i lost the plot a while ago and just let myself stagnate, like i said. i'm still gonna blog about bandom stuff but now that i have no reason to treat social media like it's all i have, and now that i'm breaking out of my depressed state in more meaningful ways, i think i'm gonna start blogging about a lot more things too and try to start having fun on this site again.

five nights at fat kid's is back, baby

#long post /

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aiviloti · 3 years

Photo

my 2020 fic writer wrap-up!!

this is going to be incredibly long (a total of 1.1k lmao) so imma put a cut here, but basically thank you for being here all throughout my 2020! i appreciate you all very much <3

fav kind of fic to write:

i love writing about mutual pining slow burn process of getting together but i have NEVER WRITTEN ONE IN MY LIFE so i hope to change that in 2021

in 2020 i discovered??? humour??? so i enjoy writing about that and when people tell me i’ve succeeded in making them laugh it’s all 😳😳😳 for me

hardest fic to write but also most proud of:

to write you a song was a fic i struggled with from all of april to june which is very long?? to me??? considering i usually sit down and write things in one seating. fully fleshed ideas don’t usually take me thaaaaaat long to crunch out, but for some reason i struggled bad with this bc I really didn’t know where i was going w it lol

LA LA LAND gets an honorary mention of it’s own simply because it was 44k, and it took me all of july-september, but it’s something i still am proud of! to show how difficult it was to write/plot here’s the spreadsheet i had to use to keep track of the scenes and the chapters djkgfsjdfkjhgd

Shout out to kiroiimye , sweet , sirius and krypt for keeping my sanity intact

easiest fic to write:

this genshin impact fic: The Land Favoured by the Wind but its because ive been thinking about this idea for more than a month lol so the actual writing and editing took me less than 3 hours

there were several others too, bc ideas then to hook themselves to me then refuse to let go fjshlfgdfsg

fav fic to write:

Most definitely this sakuatsu monstrosity here by the name of Miya Atsumu's unwavering love for Sakusa Kiyoomi and an unholy amount of terrible food analogies that should not have the right to Exist lol, I only came up with the idea of Atsumu asking Osamu how to make friends bc I was friendship pining for someone at the time and then proceeded to write the entirety of it in a feverish daze! It’s as of rn my top hit / kudoed / bookmarked fic on ao3 and man, thanks for liking this as much as i did :’D

writing sequence:

i have to write from start to finish lmao i cant move on if the fic isnt chronological? the only exception was la la land bc it was too long and i had help from the spreadsheet so i alr knew where i was going i just had to write it down dfhdsfksfksdfhjg

deleting works:

the only fics i remember deleting are both first chapters of a multichap, bc i dont like having unfinished pieces on ao3, and far less if im not sure if ill finish them/if i dont know where im going w it!

if it’s dark history of shit 15 year old me wrote imma keep it there! it is an archive after all. go on, judge my fics from 5 years ago ahahahaha

best writing advice:

not a general thing and might just apply tome, but i tend to write in very convoluted ways and squish a lot in my sentences, or add to many unnecessary commas, so i received advice recently about being more mindful of the pacing and it’s helped me a lot!

worst writing advice:

none at the top of my head djgfkdsjfh if it’s bs to me i just forget it entirelyyyy

collab:

@actuallyasweetpotato (also aforementioned sweet) and i did a thing for bokuaka week!!!! you can find it here: under my breath and into your scarf

wips:

9 unfinished zine pieces, 3 commissions, 1 exchange piece, about 10 or so other things

fav story of another writer:

favourite things

manly man falls for manliest man krbk fic!!!

gently, like a winter wind iwaoi birthday fic

sunchaser krbk fic

JUNO atsuhina fic

best review:

dude i cried

and shoutout to tien , sirius for fan art, fan comics, fan animatics of fics ive written, and shoutout to akemiiiii for this song they wrote i am eternaally grateful

worst review:

no negativity today!

prequel/sequel to other people’s fics:

none at the top of my head hm, but if anything probably any of kiro skk stuff

do i reread my stuff:

yes, but only if they’re old enough for me to go “it’s okay even if i dont like it bc this is old”

published:

hopefully! even though i do take part in zines and i guess they already have been published in a broad sense

fav/least fav chara to write:

no one at the top of my head! it’s instinctive for me to go ahead and think about character motives whenever i come across them, so if i ever write about someone, i usually just put my spin/interpretation of a character in a way that i can comprehend. the pros of this is i can write about many people, and the downside is that these characterisations can come off as out of character to anyone who doesn’t agree w me hehe

deadlines or goals:

if it’s a oneshot that’s under 3k i usually aim to have it done within 24 hours of beginning the fic. even tho i rarely succeed, having that as a goal usually pushes me to get it done faster than i would have if i had no goal altogether! if it’s anything long i aim for 1k a day, tho rn all my deadlines are zine deadlines and on top of that there’s uni, so to say im not stressing about writing would be a lie LOL

fav writers: (am too shy to tag but i swear these people are literal gods)

chonideno (mag): tumblr | twitter | ao3

batman (teesta): twitter | ao3

maplefudge (raei): tumblr | twitter | ao3

trope never written, would like to try:

aforementioned SLOWBURN MUTUAL PINING ANGST W A HAPPY ENDING GETTING TOGETHER!!!

but also royalty au

trope you will never write:

haha loads

how long have you been a writer:

began writing around may of 2014!! it was a horrible piece but im glad i started somewhere

influences:

chonideno/mag is one! maggie stiefvater who wrote the raven boys is also one, among many others

hardest part of writing:

writing action? writing things that are happening right now, describing people talking, eating

easiest part of writing:

descriptions of people, places, feelings. internal monologues, the like

best part of writing:

sharing how i perceive the world w other people, and discovering other people agree

wip sneak peek:

cw: hanahaki, falling out of love

this was written in a friend’s dms lmao this is why i sound like this

something unique i bring to all my stories

i had a revelation the other day after talking to all my friends and realised i have really pretentious titles

IF YOU’RE HERE

did you know the wc of this thing is 1k words? idk why you stuck through all of that but thank you. i’ll keep writing in 2021, and all the years after that, and i hope i’ll find you doing things you love too :)

#liv rambles #sorry i am incapable of shutting the fuck up :relieved:#i will continue to not shut the fuck up in 2021 see yall there

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monkberries · 3 years

Note

Wait what's wrong with the AKOM How Do You Sleep episode? I remember it being fine but its been ages since i listened to it so if you've got any thoughts I'd love to hear them :)

Be aware, this is only about the first episode, not about the George-focused episode. If they resolve any of the issues I have with the first episode in the second episode, then I sincerely apologize.

First, there are some things they talk about that I agree with! Near the end of the episode, they discuss the dynamic between John and the people around him in a really insightful way, and in a way I’ve often thought about it; both John and the people around him were all kind of in this mindset of “oh, Paul rejected us? Well, we didn’t want him ANYWAY! So THERE!” They also discuss the fact that John was very easily manipulated, and nearly his entire support system (minus Ringo, and shame on them for not mentioning that) basically egged his anger and viciousness on. And they also play/read some interviews with John about the song and tangential subjects, and it’s always nice to hear primary sources.

However, much like their post about Lewisohn, I find a lot of this episode excessive, overtorqued, and generally far too exaggerated. They perceive an imbalance in narratives (which I do think is there, just not to the extent they say) and overcorrect, imho.

First, I want to get my opinion on the song itself out of the way: I listen to it a lot. It’s on my Fall 2020 playlist. I enjoy the musicality, the style; the mood it evokes is extremely strong to me. Sometimes it’s fun to indulge in feeling evil or mean without having to actually be evil or mean! Plus, I love playing it right before Jealous Guy, or Steel and Glass, or I Know (I Know), just to get that maximum John Lennon Mood Whiplash effect. I think George’s solo is vicious and perfect for the mood as well. However, the lyrics are pretty horrendous in terms of their effect on Paul and his feelings; they’re also horrendous in that they’re just not well-written lyrics. IMHO you can tell it was written by three different people all throwing insults at the wall to see what would stick and rhyme. Half of the digs don’t even make sense. “So Sgt. Pepper took you by surprise/You better see right through that mother’s eyes” Wut? “The one mistake you made was in your head” ??? The hell do these things even mean lmao

Anyway. Onto the episode itself.

Around 1 minute in, they say that there’s not a lot of check and balance in the Beatles fandom w/r/t this song, and that much of the fandom espouses that HDYS was “deserved” and “honest”. They reiterate this sentiment over in different ways throughout the episode, and I just do not see that kind of thing being a majority opinion in Beatles fandom spaces at all. Perhaps they are occupying different fandom spaces than I occupy (tumblr/Hey Dullblog/beatlebioreview), and it is true where they are? (In which case, my goodness, find some better blogs to follow, babes!) They talk about how they’ve never seen anyone pick it apart before, and that the discussion around it has not changed, that people have been saying Paul deserved it since it came out. Again, this is does not jive with my experience in the Beatles fandom.

From Shout!, a book with a well known anti-McCartney streak, published in 1981: “John’s Imagine album - despite the plea for universal peace and brotherhood in the title track - launched a thermo-nuclear strike back at Paul with ‘How Do You Sleep?’ a title suggesting crimes almost in the realm of first-degree murder. The McCartney references were unmistakable, and, often, cruelly unjust: ‘The freaks was right when they said you was dead... The only thing you done was Yesterday...’ There was even a two-fingered gesture of contempt for Paul’s new outdoor life with Linda on their Scottish farm.” Also, the RS review spends two paragraphs talking specifically about how heinous and unjustifiable HDYS is. You can definitely say that rock journalism takes some of the attitude of HDYS and runs with them, such as Paul’s music sounding like muzak - that sentiment certainly persisted. But I would argue that most of the shit journos are reacting to and buying into comes from Lennon Remembers primarily, where John says all the same crap and more, and worse, rather than HDYS itself, which they seem to balk at.

They make the claim as well that the Imagine LP has been elevated to some kind of untouchable, un-criticizeable status. In the years after his death, I think there is probably some truth to that, although again, untouchable is an extreme word. Even in 2003, the LP was number 80 on Rolling Stone’s top 500 albums of all time. However, it was 227 on NME’s list in 2013 and dropped to 223 on Rolling Stone’s new 2020 list, suggesting a waning in popularity over time and a willingness to look more objectively at the quality of it.

The thing that really bothered me about this episode is like... They talk about the need for nuanced discussion of the song, right? And that’s all fine and good, and I agree, nuance in any Beatles discussion is essential if you want to get close to any actual truth. However, they then go on to say, quite adamantly, that if you say the music of the song is good, even if you think the lyrics are awful, then they wouldn’t even bother having a conversation with you. It’s very “We want nuance! NO NOT LIKE THAT! YOU’RE DOING NUANCE WRONG!” Like, I’m sorry, the music is good, in my opinion! John is very good at evoking a mood! The fact that I think George’s solo is incredible, or that the keyboard riff gives me chills, or that I think the bass goes super hard, doesn’t mean I don’t understand how rough the lyrics are or the effect they had on Paul. In fact, imho, I think it’s important that we discuss how quality the music is because it underscores the calculated cruelty John exhibited. He worked hard on this song. He wanted to create a very specific feeling out of it, and he succeeded in spades. I think if it had been crappy musically, people would have been much more contemptuous of it than they already are. As I said earlier, some of the digs don’t even make sense; I think they’re bolstered and propped up specifically because the music underneath them is so good. Also, it’s not fucking wrong to enjoy a groove.

I also take some issue with them saying that HDYS was easily among the worst things John ever did. Like... equivalent or worse than going on anti-Semitic, homophobic rants? Yikes.

There are many instances in this episode where they will go “I often read things like...” or “Jean Jackets will say...” or “I see this a lot...” and then never actually talk about where they see these things or quote directly from them. One instance goes “I often read things like, ‘John Lennon is expressing years of pent-up resentment over creative differences’, as if John is some kind of, like, drunk art teacher doling out free advice to Paul on his music.” I’ve read a lot about HDYS and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like that. Just about every discussion of the song I’ve seen says very clearly that it was an unjustified, deeply personal attack. I realize there is an aversion to publicly Naming Names when you’re calling out people who perpetuate a bad narrative. But I want to know where this stuff comes from. I want to actually see what it is they’re upset about.

Lastly, they talk near the end about music innovation and experimentation, and this is where I think things go much too far in overcorrecting a narrative. The well-known narrative for many years post breakup was that Paul was a boring square who wrote granny music. That is true; he was much maligned in the press about that. However, I think post-Hertsgaard, post-Revolution In The Head, post-Complete Recording Sessions, and post-Many Years From Now, that attitude has changed quite a bit. Most serious Beatles fans know now that Paul was the first one to really get into Avant-Garde stuff; most fans know about the fact that he made McCartney 1 basically alone in a homemade studio. Most fans have probably heard or at least heard of Temporary Secretary, lmao.

But it feels like these women are still living in the past where Paul was still being maligned for being a square, so instead they go way far to the other end and say “Paul was the musical innovator, not John.” And that is just flat out NOT true. They were BOTH musical innovators. The fact that Paul was the first to get into avant-garde art does not exclude John from also being incredibly innovative and experimental in his own way. Perhaps he wasn’t doing that on Imagine; they are right that Imagine is a collection of really good but fairly commercial songs. But they utterly discount the fact that he did Strawberry Fields Forever, and I Want You (She’s So Heavy), popularized backmasking, was one of the first if not the first to use amp feedback in a song in I Feel Fine, experimented with recording his voice differently with Tomorrow Never Knows and Revolution, and also the entirety of Plastic Ono Band!!! You don’t have to downplay or erase John’s experimental contributions to music in order to elevate Paul’s. You can elevate both of them. It’s fine.

Also, this is the episode where they say Lewisohn’s book is exactly the same as all the other Jean Jackets books except thicker, and I have a viscerally bad reaction to that for many reasons I have already outlined on this blog. Suffice to say, it is demonstrably untrue (not least because Lewisohn hasn’t published anything in his Tune In series that goes beyond 1962) and unfair to someone who has done an unbelievable amount of legwork to back up his writing. They also compare Lewisohn to Goldman (???????) and call them John and Yoko’s “fuckin bitch boys saying the same shit over and over again.” I have to imagine Goldman was a misspeak and she meant someone else, but still that jarred me lmfao

#about the blogger #Anonymous #podcast blues

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vampirequeenoffan · 4 years

Text

Intrusive

IDK, just a DP drabble that seized me by the hands and forced me to write it. I haven’t re-read or edited lmao so it’s probably Real Bad but I have other shit to be doing so imma just dump it here, sorry to yalls eyeballs

Tucker pokes him in the shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

Danny groans. He’s got his arm slung over his eyes and he’s upside-down on the couch; legs hooked over the back and back pressed into the cushions. It’s not exactly the world’s most comfortable position, but if he eases off the gravity a little it doesn’t actually hurt. Besides, the discomfort is grounding, pulling his brain away from itself and back into the physical world.

“Ghost bullshit,” he grunts at Tucker. He doesn’t bother uncovering his eyes. He doesn’t really even need to, not the way he is right now, with Tucker picked out so neon in his mind that he can almost taste his presence. He doesn’t use his eyes to “see” when his friend sits down beside him, leaning his elbow on the back of the couch and drawing his legs up off the floor.

“That sucks,” Tucker says.

“Tell me about it.”

“Do you wanna?” he asks. “Tell me, I mean. Get it out of your brain.”

Danny contemplates that for a moment, falling so still he nearly forgets to breathe. Then his lungs start complaining, reminding him that he is very much still in human mode, thanks, and that he does need air for more than just vibrating his vocal chords.

Danny sighs.

“Urges,” he says. One-word response.

He still can’t see Tucker, but he can “see” him nod. He’s such a pleasantly warm shade in Danny’s mind right now, a color he can’t describe because humans can’t perceive it. Danny could look at it forever.

“One of the fighting ones again?” Tucker asks. Danny shakes his head.

“I wanna put you in a box.”

It’s a testament to their relationship that Tucker doesn’t freak out about that sentence and all that it could imply. Instead he just pauses, purses his lips in the way that Danny can only vaguely “see” (a slight variation in his color, dipping almost orange on the spectrum), and drums his fingers against the back of the couch.

“Like. . . a coffin?” he asks, tone casual. More casual than it probably should be for the subject matter.

“Not really,” Danny says. “I mean, it’s not not a coffin either, but it isn’t specifically one. My brain just. . . really wants you and Sam to be tucked away somewhere safe where no one else can touch you and I can guard you forever. And ever.”

He pauses.

“And ever.”

Tucker nods, the motion burning brightly in Danny’s mind.

“Creepy,” he comments.

Danny groans again.

“I hate my brain.”

“So do I, you’re not special,” Sam calls from the other room. Danny’s itching under his skin with the urge to go grab her, despite how the walls in between them don’t dampen the “sight” of her in his mind. He presses his arm a little harder down over his eyes, as if that could block out her luminous smear across his consciousness.

“We’re having a private conversation,” Tucker yells back at her. “Me and Danny are bonding. Get your self-depreciation out of here!”

“Then stop talking so loudly, idiots!” Sam says. She’s crouched on the ground, rifling through what Danny knows is a box despite neither seeing nor “seeing” it. It shouldn’t take her that much longer to find Dead Teacher iii, and then she’ll be back in the room. Danny has to keep repeating that to himself.

Tucker reaches down and pokes his shoulder again.

“It’s really bugging you, huh,” he says. “That she’s in the other room.”

“How can you tell?” Danny asks. He hasn’t moved, hasn’t acted on any of his instincts. For all intents and purposes Tucker should just see a normal teenager lying sprawled out next to him, albeit in a somewhat awkward position.

Tucker shrugs. His shoulders bleed color behind them in an echo of the movement.

“Your teeth. They’re always pretty sharp, but right now they look like you could bite your own lip off. You’re not kissing anyone for a while, by the way,” he adds.

Danny’s groan borders on a whine this time.

“My ghost half is ruining my life,” he complains.

Tucker snorts and pokes him again, this time on the cheek. The warmth of his skin, of his presence in Danny’s mind, make Danny shiver. He wants so badly to bundle Tucker up in his arms and never let go.

“Is it just us right now?” Tucker asks. “Do you wanna box up anyone else?”

Danny hesitates, turning that thought over in his head.

“. . .no,” he ultimately concludes, “Not really. My brain’s got my house categorized as safe and mine and that’s where my family is right now, so they’re fine. And Val– well. Val is Val. I’ve always got conflicting feelings there.”

“It would be nice if those cancelled out, huh,” Tucker muses. Danny’s complained about this to him before. Fight and Protect fluctuate in his mind from moment to moment when it comes to Valerie and The Red Huntress, and the overlap when they’re both at their strongest can nearly give Danny a migraine. In the same way he can have a panic attack while in the middle of a depressive episode, he can very much want to swaddle Val in bubble wrap while also wanting to stab her.

“Well,” Sam says, straightening up and starting to (yes!) return to the room, “We can’t do a box, but we were already going to cuddle pile on the couch.”

“I still can’t get over you saying cuddle,” Tucker says.

“There’s nothing more hardcore than cuddling,” Sam huffs as she flops down on Danny’s other side. Her arm swings as she makes to throw what Danny assumes is the DVD box at Tucker, and Danny’s hands shoot up to snag it out of the air before it can strike his friend.

There’s a moment of silence. Danny opens his eyes. It’s weird seeing the world around him and “seeing” on top of it, part of why he’d covered his face in the first place. His brain just isn’t meant to process that much visual information at once, the same way his brain isn’t actually wired to “see.” He tries to focus on what’s real, on the actual light bouncing off his friends and into his retinas, and blinks away the glowing smear that isn’t even on the visual spectrum. He’s holding Dead Teacher iii in his hands, and he stares at the cheesy cover art with the single-minded focus of a guy recalibrating his eyes.

“Ah,” Sam says. “That bad, huh?”

Danny lets go of the DVD and it lands on his face. It hurts, but not that much.

Tucker sighs and grabs the case, standing up and moving to pop the DVD into the player. Danny, with a herculean effort, manages to not grab his ankle on the way by and drag him bodily back onto the couch.

Sam stretches, her long pale fingers tangling together overhead, physical form barely more present in Danny’s mind than the glow of her presence. Then she drops her hands and lays down, plopping her head onto his stomach and peering up into his very-close face. Danny can pick out every sun-starved freckle-that-could on her face, inherited from her parents and dampened by lifestyle choices. In the summer, when even the extra-strength sunscreen Sam slathers on can’t fight back her love for the outdoors, those freckles darken and bloom like constellations in the night sky.

The weight of her head against his stomach smooths some of Danny’s anxiety. She’s here. She’s real. She’s alive. She’s safe. She’s his.

She isn’t, of course. Tucker isn’t either. No one, on this planet or off of it, belongs to anyone, least of all Danny. And Danny knows this, believes it with the same certainty and maybe even the same part of his brain that knows that the earth goes around the sun, but that doesn’t get rid of his ghost-lizard brain chattering away in the back of his consciousness.

There’s the hum of the DVD player starting to spin the disk, then the previews begin behind Danny’s head. Tucker sits back down and, with Sam taking up the real estate on Danny’s abdomen, hooks an arm under one of the legs thrown over the back of the couch. He drags Danny’s limb closer and starts using it like a headrest, cheek pressing against Danny’s shin.

“You guys–” Danny’s voice breaks off. Finally, the anxiety that’s been buzzing at the back of his mind for the past hour and a half is tapering off, soothed by his proximity and contact with those he wants to protect. It’s such a relief that Danny could almost cry. But. . .

“You guys don’t have to be that close if you don’t want,” he says. Because it’s true. Sam and Tucker are under no obligation to play along with his ghost brain, no obligation to surrender to whatever weird instincts Danny has jammed into his consciousness. Danny has no right to ask them to, and he doesn’t. Not ever. They can make their own choices, and he refuses to become the kind of monster who would try to take their free will from them. They’re his friends, not his property, and he’s never going to forget that.

“Danny,” Sam says, “Shut up. The movie’s starting.”

“Yeah, man,” Tucker chimes in, “We were gonna do this anyway. Let us know when your brain’s calmed down enough to be upright, okay? I want popcorn later and there’s no way we’re gonna be able to integrate a bowl into this mess.”

Danny kicks his foot lightly, jostling his leg in Tucker’s hold and bumping his head, but he’s smiling. His friends are here. They’re alive. They’re watching a dumb movie from a dumb series they love and hate in equal measure.

And Danny’s happy.

#Danny Phantom #Danny Fenton #Tucker Foley #Sam Manson #Eternal Trio #kinda #I use the term friend a bunch but there's also the implication that They All Be Smoochin #sooooo #Posessive behavior #intrusive thoughts #Ghost Bullshit functioning like anxiety #IDK this is probably super poorly written and I might delete it later but #whatever!

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