#don’t worry this goes both ways the social anxiety is strong in our family

[leoascendente]

Messages from your guides 🦋

-Reuploaded and reedited old Pac-

Hi loves! Welcome to this pac about what your guides want to tell you. This pac is an old one I decided to correct, rewrite and add some more information. Take a deep breath before choosing your pile, take what resonates and leace what doesn't. Hope you like it 💕

Decks I used: Tarot of the Faeries, goddess guidance oracle, astrodices.

For private readings click here

Pics are from pinterest, credits to their owners

(Left-> pile 1/ Middle-> pile 2/ Right-> pile 3)

Pile 1:

Welcome pile 1! I see you've been very busy with a goal you want to achieve, maybe related to your job, studies, family, a glow up... idk what it is but it has took a lot of your time and energies and you might feel like you have lost some opportunities for yourself on the road because of giving too much attention to other priorities. This can be giving you some anxiety, you might be feeling exhausted and energetically drained because all the energy you've been investing, don't think you lost any opportunity or have lost time in not so important things, there are times when we think we have a great chance to do something but if the plan doesn't goes on it's because Universe has something better for you in store you haven't discovered yet, or simply it’s not the best time to make it and you must wait a little more to be in the perfect timing.

Your worries can be solved in a more peaceful stage than you are now, do something that helps you fight that anxiety and clear up your mind to take the next steps without any baggage. Go and take a walk on nature, give yourself an spa day at home or simply light an incense and meditate a few minutes, your mind needs rest and peace, so give yourself the time you need to recharge energies, you know you can't keep going on with all that noise in your head, the world won't fall down if you take a day off. Think about something nice to do for yourself and simply do it, we both know you need it and you'll be thankful with yourself after giving you that time, also if you could apply this self love activities as part of your daily rutine it would be great, like taking a day every week to do something that makes you happy and raise your vibration.

Your guides want to tell you that this is just a phase of your path and it will end to give birth to new chapter, they want you to learn to treat yourself in the same beloving and protective way you treat others and that’s why your guides make so much emphasis into self care and resting. Maybe you're used to to take care of others or being over productive but you are leaving yourself and your wellbeing behind and your guides want you to invest more time, patience and love in the way you treat yourself. Remember how strong and fierce you really are, you're full of power so take that leadership energy to determine where do you want to lead your life at the same time you give to you some time to relax and disconnect, a clear mind takes better decitions in life. Also, you have a big power to manifest, so positive affirmations could work very good for you at this moment, as a personal recomendation look in YouTube for positive affirmations while sleeping and play them at night, when we are asleep our brain is more receptive to this.

The astrodices tells you that you should be focusing into expressing your ideas with others and don't repress yourself, there’s a huge importance here in unblock your throat chakra to communicate yourself in a clearer and better way. You need to be honest with yourself and others, if you don’t agree with someone you have the right to say it and you have also the right to share your opinions without the fear of being judged, attacked or rejected, if someone gets mad over an opinion it’s their problem not yours always you are being respectful and polite expressing it. You need to socialize a little more, getting out of your routine and spend more time with the people you love, you really need this cozy time to gain strengths for an upcoming offer that Universe is going to bring you soon and you won't reject. There’s a new golden door opening up for you but you are not aware of this yet, would be good if you move the energies aroud you, it can be as simple as making excercise or dancing to move your own energies or maybe changing the furniture distribution in the space you spend more time in, try a little change so the energies can flow to you in a more peaceful way.

-Your guides want you to know that they promise you a great and bright future, and inside of you, you already know you're going to reach the stars if you propose to. The only thing that keeps you away from your goals is your own mind and perfectionism, so trust in yourself and your potential, allow yourself to fail and keep in mind that great things take time to come and for you, there are a lot of miracles about to come that you can even imagine yet. Btw, if you're having some economical difficulties just take time, keep strong by now because very soon the most random and unexpected solution will appear in your life, so stop worrying so much about that aspect, your needs will be supplied. You have made it until now and your guides want you to know how proud they are of you by giving you the blessings you deserve, be open to receive them. Also, to attract abundance the best key is to practice gratitude, make yourself a gratitude journal or simply list all the things you are thankful for, from a blanket to keep you warm at nights to a friend that worries about you, you’ll see how naturally blessed and abundant you really are.

Pile 2:

Hi, pile 2 and welcome to your reading! The number 4 has appeared a lot in your spread, maybe this number is important for you or it’s going to be repeating a lot, number 4 is related to spiritual protection and divine guidance. I see that you have lift some healthy boundaries around you to protect the important things for you, maybe you've been starting a new project and you have been quiet about what you're doing, idk what it is but I see you very protective about you and what you are planning for your future, like you really want this plan to work perfectly and you refuse to let anybody ruin your hard work and manifestations. You're doing the best for you and you know it, you are being more confident and you feel a lot more powerful but I must warn you that not everybody likes to see you doing so well, there's an energy of envy and jealousy from someone in your enviroment, probably a woman or dominant femenine energy that has some internal wounds that she is projecting onto you, so you're doing great by keeping your goals for yourself and not spread your victories with everybody, sometimes people that is vibing in insecurities and envy can send negative energy subconsciously to their object of desire, something like evil eye but not exactly evil eye, keeping money, career and love life private is the best protection you can make use of at the moment.

Now you are in a triumph moment so enjoy it with your beloved ones of the fruits of your labor, the people close to you that trully loves you will celebrate your victories by your side and will be glad of all the good you have achieved. Give yourself credit for all you have done to be in your current situation, maybe it’s the time to give yourself a gift for your hard and great work because you are doing amazing and you deserve a prize, something that motivates you to keep reaching goals. For helping yourself to attract success, your guides ask you to do more fun things and indulge yourself more often, you deserve to enjoy and have more fun, you are going through a massive glow up and you also deserve to see the admiration in the eyes of others when they look at you. You'll find out how many miracles happens in your daily life and your conection with your guides will make so much stronger, also this will improve your intuition and it will help you to see clearly when people has bad intentions with you to know when you have to keep your guards up, you’ll feel highly protected by your spiritual team and you'll see how people will want you to liked them, you are going to feel a new level of confidence you never imagined.

Soon you will get an unexpected invitation to go somewhere or do something different and you will feel very confortable with the plan, you will meet nice people and open up for them, you'll let your walls down for this new people entering your life to create new and healthy connections with others, something inside of you will tell you they are trustworthy and they will feel the same for you. There you'll find a soulmate, maybe a best friend or a love interest, it wil be different for each of you but will be someone that will bring so much joy to your life, I see this specific person is part of your soul tribe and will help you improve the best parts of you, so allow them to enter into your life and enjoy the unconditional love you deserve and are about to receive.

The astrodices tell you to be more adventurous and go more often out of your comfort zone, it’s the moment to release control and embrace the unknown, this will help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, also this will remind you how resourceful and wise you are and you ability to move driven by your intuition. It’s your time to have fun with life, to laugh and enjoy the blessing life brings you, to explore your creativity and to be open to new oportunities. Being logical, productive and grounded are great qualities but when we learn to flow and stop trying to control the outcome is when we receive the best ressults, work with assumption law and believe that your dream life is already yours, your future self is living it. Everything will be more than fine.

-Your guides want you to know that you are in a process of transformation, Kali appeared in your spread to tell you that somethings are made to live with the old version of you and they have to keep in the past while you move into the future. Embrace the changes of endings and watch the beauty of the new beginings with the eyes of a child, let yourself get impressed with the little miracles of life and how you are surrounded by them, I see you are more creative and graceful than you realize. Also your guides ask you to make a sacred space for you to recconect with your inner self when you get overwhelmed with your responsabilities, make a corner in your house where you can light some candles, play good music and relax from the daily rutine, you deserve to have moments of joy with yourself. As a recommendation, you should get a tourmaline, a Tiger eye or any protective stone or charm, to keep negativity away from you. Also, your guides wants to make you know how proud they are of you.

Pile 3:

Wow, pile 3, your energy is so soft and tender, I really love it 😍. I see you are very sensitive and nurturing to people (maybe Cancer or water vibes), you enjoy of making people happy and counseling and comforting them when they need a friendly help, you like making other people’s life a lot more easier. I can also see that you might be an empath or extremely intuitive, you have a very witchy vibe, when i connect with your energy, faeries and buterflies come to my mind, so I feel that you are a very special person and probably have some extrasensorial gift, surely this is my spiritual pile.

Anyway, your sensibility to energies and emotional states of other people might have opened the door to some narcissist people come into your life, you are so loving when it comes to care the needs of others that you can leave yourself in a second place for attending other people's feelings. Right now there are some people in your life that are draining your energies and are not leaving anything positive back, analize with a cold point of view who are the people in your enviroment that are always coming to you to solve their problems for them, for sure you'll find someone in your life that has this toxic trait with you. You'll have to act in a more selfish way ( I don't like the word selfish to describe this but I’m doing my best with my English), put yourself, your feelings and your needs as the first and most important things in your life and if someone is taking too much from you, just stop them, you deserve to be on a pedestal and treat yourself with the same kindness and love you treat others.

When you start limitating and setting healthy boundaries to this kind of people you'll see how your energies start to raise up and you will begin to feel better with yourself. Your ideas will clear up and you will start to see things with a wider perspective, being loving and nurturing with people that reciprocate what you give them, but also being gentle and aware of your feelings and when someone is hurting them. This can be difficult when you've been used to to take so much care of others, but when you start giving to yourself the same amount (or more if it’s possible) you give to the rest of people it's a transformative experience, like in pile 1, you deserve to feel the love you share.

The astrodices tell you that you need a change in your habits or routine, more self care is needed in order of your wellbeing. In the other piles the energy is really focused into success but this one is an expansive energy that emanates to others but leave a very little for yourself, like you are taking away things you like or want to do to please others. You got Venus, Pisces and the 6th house that talk about getting in touvh with your sensibility and befriend it, with pisces there’s also the message to connect more with your spirit guides, they are really close to you but they can’t interfere in your life if you don’t give them permission for the Divine intervention. You’ll be going through some kind of spiritual awakening that will make you more intuitive when it comes to negative people or enviroments, allow Universe guide you through this chapter of your path and increase the amount of time and love you invest in yourself.

Your guides want you to know that you are spiritualy protected, you have more guides than usual, so there's nothing to worry about, your spirit team is big and powerful. The ones that plant seeds of love in the world will get the love multiplied in the harvest, you have planted light in the hearts of the people that come into your life, appreciate those lovely attributes about yourself and don't let anybody darken this, you are full of love and it’s admirable how anybody can take that off from you. Work in your inner peace and wellbeing and set the healthy boundaries you need to protect yourself, in the higher planes there are a lot of spirits taking care of you so trust that they won't let nobody treat you in a bad way without paying it back. For connecting in a deeper sense with your guides you can take a minutes to meditate, light some rosemary or cover a white candle with honey and cinnamon to attract happinness.

#witchblr #leoascendente #divination witch #tarot #tarotblr #pac reading #pick a pile #tarotonline #tarot reading #spiritualgrowth #spirituality #messages from guides #pac tarot

[novelconcepts]

Love is being willing to always reassure your person everything’s okay when they hit a rough anxiety patch.

Love is also patting your person gently on the top of the head and murmuring, “This baby can fit sooo many insecurities…”

#or so I learned today when I once again said ‘I know the answer but you’re not mad at me right?’ to my wife #hi hello my name is novel and I perpetually believe every person I meet secretly wants to push me off a mountain #don’t worry this goes both ways the social anxiety is strong in our family #more importantly my wife is starting to learn meme culture and I’m very proud

[amysubmits]

Hi Amy, hope you’re doing well! I had a question or more so, I guess I’m seeking advice since it’s a subject I feel like you may be familiar with. Lex and I will be having a house guest that will be staying with us for about a month, possibly longer. It was somewhat spur of the moment but we are good friends with this person and they have a temporary job event in the city that we live in so we offered to have them just stay with us instead of them getting a hotel for that long. My initial reaction was happiness to help out a friend and excitement to see them. I’m ashamed to say my next reaction was anxiety when I realized it’ll be the first time since starting D/s that we would have less privacy for that long. It probably seems silly and selfish but I’m worried about our dynamic changing. Lex did say that a few things would obviously be different but that the core of our dynamic will not change. I know that you’ve had house guests/roommates after starting D/s and obviously your dynamic is as strong as ever. I guess I’m just wondering if you have any words of wisdom on adjusting to having a bit less privacy. Also, sorry if this sounds super dramatic. It’s just a month and I will enjoy seeing my friend! But while we consider ourselves low protocol, we still have so many power exchangey moments throughout our day that I feel I will miss. I have debated about even sending this because after writing it, I feel even more selfish about these thoughts. Lex is also adamant that I will still have structure and that we will find alone time so I feel even worse because it sounds like I’m doubting him. 😭 But I figured that maybe you have some tips regarding this or maybe some followers will also have advice or have has a similar situation.

I don't think it's selfish of you to be worried about these changes. I sometimes even find purely positive change to be anxiety inducing, haha.

The only thing that we have seen change since we moved in with family was spanking and other impact play, and we have to be mindful of noise while having sex. We haven't had to change rules or service or anything like that, as we feel like everything we do is socially appropriate. We do like noisy sex but it's not a real big deal to us to go without it, where the lack of spanking is harder. For us, the times where we are home alone together, without anyone else being in the house, are extremely rare, but we make the most of it when it does happen. With your friend working, if you have any time where you guys will be home but your friend isn’t, maybe you can make the most of that time? 

Other than that, the main thing I can think of is just communicating your needs on both sides as you go along. If there are things you can’t do with your guest there, maybe try to dig deeper into what you can’t do, and how/why that meets a need for you, and see if it can be replaced by anything else, to meet the same need but in a different way than you usually would. 

We’ve had to adjust our rules and other aspects of our D/s to our living situations, jobs, how much time we have together, etc at different times over the years. I’ve always found that changes we make to our rules or whatever, don’t really change anything that deep, it’s just the details. I don’t mean to suggest that it isn’t a bit of a bummer to have to go without certain things...cause it can be. But I do think that’s different from feeling like you’ve lost your D/s dynamic or that sort of a thing. 

I wish I had something more helpful to offer, I feel like this is all so generic, haha. Anyway, I hope your time with your friend goes well! 

#asks

[hiccanna-tidbits]

5, 6, 7 & 8 for OTP asks with Hiccanna!!

HELL YEAH BRO

Soulmate AU: Who is eager to meet their soulmate? Who absolutely does not want to meet their soulmate?

Anna, hopeless romantic and “true love” fanatic that she is, is incredibly down to meet her soulmate. One of her biggest fears is being inherently unlovable and that no one will ever love her for who she is (parents dying and sister shunning you has to leave some abandonment issues babyyyy), so she takes a lot of comfort in the idea of a soulmate--at least one person is basically certain to love her, right?

Hiccup, meanwhile, is apathetic at best and annoyed by the idea of a higher power dictating who his girlfriend is at worst. Unlike Anna, he doesn’t really fear no one will ever really love him for who he is--rather, he just accepts it as fact. Growing up with no friends and an emotionally-distant father, Hiccup came to believe that he was never going to feel the kind of deep, boundless love he’d seen between other people--and he made his peace with it. Being a more introverted scientist and inventor-type, Hiccup tends to spend a lot of time alone anyways and believes (maybe not fully accurately) that he prefers it that way. Besides, the logician in him thinks the whole “magic cosmic soulmate” thing is probably bullshit, and he just can’t figure out how something like soulmates could ever be backed or supported by modern science. Ultimately, Hiccup figures he’s going to date who he’s going to date (if he can even find any girls who are interested, that is), and he really couldn’t care less what the stars have to say about it.

When Hiccup and Anna do finally meet, and eventually start dating (knowing how shy and awkward they’d both be about confessing, it would take months to years after them meeting to actually get together, even in a goddamn soulmate AU), it isn’t revealed that they’re soulmates right away. Maybe it’s revealed by their hearts glowing a certain color when they first realize they’re in love with the other person? Idk. 

When Anna finds out they’re soulmates, she’s absolutely stoked. Like the girl probably runs around their home for a solid 15 minutes planning a soulmate reveal party or something. Hiccup, meanwhile, is just kind of like “Oh! Neat!” and then immediately goes back to whatever he was doing XD

Anna is a bit hurt that Hiccup is so, ah...unconcerned about them being literally destined to be together. She’s mainly worried that it means that he doesn’t like...cherish their connection enough and whatnot. After he picks up on the fact that she’s kind of upset about his definitive lack of a strong reaction to the whole thing, he explains to her that he didn’t really care because he’d 100% date Anna whether or not she was his soulmate. Saying their souls were deeply connected was basically just putting a formal title on what he already knew.

And Anna has to take a minute, because honestly? Hiccup confidently saying he’d be with her in any reality, even one where he risks angering cosmic forces to do so, is actually much more romantic than them being supposedly “fated for each other” since the beginning.

Single parent AU: Which one is the single parent? (Alt. if they’re both single parents: Which one is open to starting a new relationship from the start? Which one is never planning on finding love again… Until they meet the other and are instantly smitten?)

I think I’ll have Zephyr and Nuffink be the single parent kids because I Just Think They’re Neat! That, and I honestly can’t bear to make lovechildren for Anna with anyone but Hiccup XD (those of you who know me will know making Krist/anna lovechildren in any context is RIGHT OUT).

So in this AU things didn’t work out with Astrid and Hiccup is pretty heartbroken over it :( I imagine she ultimately left him because she wasn’t really feeling the spark anymore, and they have joint custody of the kids. Meanwhile, Hiccup and Anna were neighbors growing up, and were pretty close friends as kids until Anna moved away and they lost touch. She eventually comes back to their hometown as an adult, and she and Hiccup reconnect. They’re also both like “ah shit, my old buddy got HOT” XD

I actually think Anna and Zephyr would really hit it off, mainly because Anna sees a lot of what she loves the most about Hiccup in Zephyr. Zephyr has Hiccup’s anxiety, cynicism, inventive streak, overall social awkwardness--and because Anna knows Hiccup so well and knows how to best accommodate all of his quirks and oddities, it’s not hard for her to extrapolate how best to befriend a younger version of him XD Zephyr, meanwhile, has had trouble befriending kids her age due to her bluntness and general “nerdiness,” so she’s always happy to find someone who accepts her unconditionally and takes a genuine interest in her wacky inventions--even if it’s her dad’s new girlfriend, who by all accounts should be a weird person for her to get close to XD Zephyr also devours science books like they’re going out of style, and is very pleased that Anna is more than happy to listen to her ramble on and on about random science trivia. Zeph still loves her biological mom, for sure, but she starts thinking of Anna as a second mom. She brags to all the kids at school that she has two moms, which leaves them very confused and wondering if Astrid ended up marrying another woman after she divorced Hiccup (which, to be fair, wouldn’t be entirely out of character).

Nuffink, meanwhile, is a little more unsure about the whole situation, if mainly because I headcanon him as a bit of a mama’s boy. He doesn’t dislike Anna so much as he’s just...wary of her, and doesn’t know how to feel about his dad falling in love with someone who isn’t his mom. He also can’t help but feel out-of-place when he, Zephyr, Hiccup, and Anna go out on “family outings” because he kind of looks like he doesn’t belong. With her reddish-brown hair, her blue eyes, her aundance of freckles, and her fondness for wearing twin braids, Zephyr could definitely pass as Anna’s daughter (I’ve even seen Anna used as an older version of Zephyr in video edits, which is hilariously ironic). Although Nuffink has his dad’s eyes, he very much has his biological mom’s hair and doesn’t look like he’s related to Anna at all.

I think what helps them finally bond is that they both have a love of combat! Nuffink definitely does some kind of martial arts or fencing training if he can access it, and Anna is more than happy to teach him some swordplay and spar with him if he wants! Because Sword Anna is best Anna, fight me. Nuffink is also open-minded enough that hey, if his cool big sister likes someone that much, she can’t be that bad. Hiccup is just...continually super impressed with how much Anna knows about fighting--and it makes him fall all the more in love with her, because he loves that in a woman XD Once Nuffink warms up to Anna, he’s constantly trying to impress her ith how tough he is--mostly shown by him ramming his head into walls. Poor Anna worries about Nuffink a lot XD

I imagine there’s a little bit of tension between Anna and Astrid in this AU. Not really because Astrid resents Hiccup moving on--she’s actually pretty happy for Hiccup that he found someone better suited for him than her--but more because she worries Anna is trying to replace her as the kids’ “true mom” XD Anna, meanwhile, can’t help but resent Astrid a little for breaking Hiccup’s heart and doesn’t get why they kids can’t just have two moms! The more people who love them, the better, right???

I don’t imagine Anna and Hiccup having any biological kids in this AU, because I think two stepkids would be plenty for Anna! Of course, since Zephyr and Nuffink are Hiccup’s, she loves them with all her being and tries to be the best stepmom she can be. But I think having more than two kids would stress Anna’s ADHD ass the fuck out, and she doesn’t strike me as the sort of person who would feel a need to have biological kids with Hiccup if she already had Nuffink and Zephyr to parent. Our girl is perfectly happy adopting!

Doctor AU: Which one is the longsuffering doctor? Which one is the patient?

Hiccup is the long-suffering doctor, although not entirely by choice. Often he wonders if being a doctor is actually what he wanted, but his dad was like “WELL SON! YOU’RE SMART, SO YOU GOTTA BE A DOCTOR SO YOU MAKE BIG BUCKS!” (I’m headcanoning in this AU Stoick is a professional athlete of some kind, and has made BANK since he was young. He can’t really conceive of his son NOT pursuing a well-paid profession). Hiccup doesn’t really want to disappoint his rather intimidating dad, so he goes along with it.

It’s not that he dislikes it, when all is said and done. He does care about people and wants to help them, although he hides it underneath about 10 layers of snark. Still, it’s stressful and thankless work, and often he worries about whether he took the right path. Too late to pursue something else now, he supposes.

Then he meets Anna, rushed to the ICU with a collection of third-degree electrical burns. She tried to plug all of her Christmas light strings into the same power strip, and uh...it did not go well. Hiccup is there monitoring her vitals when she wakes up, and she just kind of wearily sighs and admits to him that living on her own wasn’t nearly as fun or exciting as she thought it would be. As it turned out, Anna had insisted she could be trusted with putting up her apartment’s holiday decorations, and she very much should not have been.

Anna ends up having to stay a couple weeks. She needs a small skin graft (yeah, she fucked herself up THAT bad), and then needs a bit of time for the surgery wounds to heal. Hiccup is assigned to do checkups on her regularly, and starts to look forward to it. Her perky disposition (despite being stuck in the hospital with burn wounds) is contagious, and she never fails to make him laugh after a long, draining shift. As stressful as his job is, Anna becomes his one respite.

He has to admit, it’s nice to have at least one thing to look forward to.

Hiccup is a little sad to see Anna go. Of course, bumbling, socially awkward foot-in-mouth fool that he is, he doesn’t have the courage to ask for her number so they can keep in touch. That would, uh...probably be unprofessional or something. Besides, it would probably crush his heart and soul if she was weirded out by his soft spot for her so like...maybe best not to even open himself up to the possibility.

Then, not two weeks later, Anna shows up at the hospital again--this time having broken three bones in a hiking accident. Apparently she got too excited about a particularly nice view, and toppled right off the top of a very steep bluff. He, once again, takes on her care, and is delighted (albeit guiltily) to have her back. He, once again, has something to make work not suck as much!

Oddly enough, this turns out to be the first of many hiking accidents. Anna comes in next month claiming to have nearly burned her arm off in a rogue campfire, and then again the next month claiming to have been mauled by a bear (although Hiccup is pretty sure those bleeding gashes were just left by a very big dog, and Anna is too embarrassed to admit it). Odder still, Hiccup distinctly remembers talking to Anna during her first hospital stay about how much he loved hiking and the outdoors, and now all of her new string of injuries just happen to be hiking-related. He can’t help but be baffled about how her insurance even covers all of this, but apparently having a family lineage distantly related to Norwegian royalty has its perks.

On roughly her 7th hospital stay, Hiccup finally gathers up the courage to ask Anna for her number, if only because he figures it would be nice for them to see each other without Anna having to nearly get herself killed first every time XD

Bodyguard AU: Who is the bodyguard? Who are they protecting? Which one is secretly pining for the other?

OMIGOD SO

I HAD AN IDEA FOR THIS

What if Anna was sent to bodyguard Hiccup in an AU where Arendelle is a lot more militaristic???

Basically what I'm thinking is that this is in an alternate timeline, Hiccup didn't injure Toothless's tail when he shot him down. The beginning of HTTYD plays out the same, but Toothless can still fly and just yeets off after Hiccup frees him, supposedly never to be seen again. However, this still leads Hiccup to believe he may not be dragon-fighting material after all. The poor boy still yearns to find a way to prove his worth to Berk, though.

As Hiccup gets older, his strength doesn't really improve, and it becomes clear to Stoick that he's always going to be pretty scrawny. Because of this, he's hesitant to put Hiccup in dragon training for the sake of his son's own safety--and hey, Hiccup seems to have lost interest in dragon-fighting anyhow, so it's not like Hiccup will fight him on it. Nonetheless, the dragon raids are getting worse, and Stoick worries about Hiccup being able to protect himself at all. Knowing most of the older villagers are busy with dragon-fighting and other jobs, and honestly doubting any of the village's teenagers would protect Hiccup if push came to shove, Stoick sends out an appeal of sorts to neighboring villages and kingdoms requesting a bodyguard for his skinny disaster of a son.

Back in Arendelle, shut-in princess Anna is surprised yet intrigued when a messenger from the Viking village of Berk shows up at Elsa's coronation. In a timeline where Hans and Anna don’t have their chance encounter, Hans sets his wooing sights on the newly-crowned Queen Elsa (and fails), and no push ends up being strong enough to make Elsa lose control of her powers at the ceremony. Anna, however, still feels hurt by her sister’s seemingly reasonless rebuke earlier in the evening and finds herself aching to explore the world outside her castle and be close with someone--anyone--again.

When the Viking messenger requests a bodyguard for the Chief of Berk’s son, Anna is quick to volunteer. The messenger scoffs at first, but to his surprise, the soft-looking princess isn’t entirely unqualified. She filled many of her long, empty childhood hours training with the Arendelle guard, and her swordplay is admirable. To prove her worth, Anna faces off with one of the Berkian warriors in a duel--and holds her own shockingly well. While Queen Elsa is hesitant to let her sister run off to a faraway nation, Anna vehemently insists that Arendelle doesn’t need two monarchs, and this will be great for diplomatic relations in the long run. Of course, she also longs to explore and get away from the place she’s been trapped her entire life, but Elsa doesn’t need to know that part.

When Anna arrives in Arendelle, Hiccup has absolutely no idea what to make of his new bodyguard. On the one hand, a girl who’s good with a sword is hot, and he’s long since given up on Astrid anyways. On the other hand, Hiccup is definitely irked that his dad sees him as so weak and incapable that he’s the only Viking in the village who needs a full-on bodyguard, and he hates feeling like he’s being babied and coddled (not that this is Anna’s fault). Still, his bodyguard is essentially the only person who’s ever seemed to actually want to be friends with him in...well, his whole life, and honestly? He’ll take it.

Anna, meanwhile, still aching for love and connections of really any kind, is nigh-instantly smitten. His brains, his creativity, his constant snide jokes, his snark-coated good heart, his weird, messy hairdo--all of it has an 18-year-old Anna completely over the moon. Hiccup, feeling hopeless in the world of romance after being rejected by Astrid, is honestly just relieved to finally have a friend--to the point that it doesn’t even occur to him that Anna’s a girlfriend option.

Not long after she arrives in Berk, Anna is put into dragon training to prepare for raids. She does a bit of training of her own with Hiccup, teaching him some swordplay to try and boost his confidence. It’s not hard to tell that he has mixed feelings about having to have a protector, and Anna hopes that by teaching him some basic fighting skills he can at least feel a little better if he’s ever in a situation where she isn’t there to defend him.

As she gets deeper into her dragon training, Anna asks Hiccup why he never gave dragon training a go. Granted, him being as physically small as he is would be a disadvantage, but he could still learn to hold his own decently well using speed and stealth. It would help him be able to protect himself, if nothing else. Hiccup seems very reluctant to talk about the whole subject, but he says Anna needs to trust that he knows he can’t kill dragons. He tends to give the shortest answers possible to her questions, and nigh-instantly changes the subject. When Anna presses too much, he gets snippy.

As they get closer, Hiccup finally opens up to Anna about the time he shot down a Night Fury and couldn’t bring himself to make the final kill. He admits to cutting the creature free, and how the dragon nearly killed him--only to spare Hiccup just as Hiccup had spared him. “I saw more than just a ruthless killer when I looked into that dragon’s eye,” Hiccup tells her. “I saw myself. I think there’s so much more to them than anyone knows, but...you’re the only person I feel like would actually give me the benefit of the doubt on that.”

During the next raid, Anna pays closer attention to the dragons than before. She watches how they interact with the villagers, and notice that they never seem to go out of their way to go after people. They only fight Vikings when Vikings initiate, and the dragons’ main concern always seems to be taking sheep and fish. Left to their own devices, they don’t seem to want to hurt anyone.

Unfortunately, Anna standing off to the side and trying to watch what all the dragons are doing leaves her distracted--and vulnerable. She’s not prepared for a camouflaged changewing to melt out of the wall behind her, whipping around and backing her into a corner. Anna grabs for her sword but can hardly move, frozen in terror as the massive dragon stares her down.

She holds up an arm, bracing herself for a wall of fire, but none comes. There’s a swish of wings and a gust of wind blows her back. When she looks up, the dragon is gone.

It would’ve been beyond easy for the dragon to kill her. The creature clearly saw her--could have taken advantage in her moment of frozen stupor and burned her to a crisp. And yet...the dragon spared her. Just like the Night Fury had spared Hiccup.

Anna realizes Hiccup might be onto something.

Together, Hiccup and Anna decide they’re going to get to the bottom of what dragons are really like--and why they’re stealing the village’s food. While claiming to go out for “battle practice,” Hiccup and Anna track down dragons and study them in secret--observing them, writing about them, seeing how they behave and how they interact with one another. They’re surprised by what they see: left to their own devices, dragons are good-natured and compassionate, and they take care of their own. Strangely, they never seem to feed the stolen food to their young. Hiccup predicts they’re not actually keeping it for themselves, and taking it somewhere nigh unreachable for humans. For what actual purpose is anyone’s guess.

Anna starts using the info she gathers observing dragons with Hiccup in dragon-training. She finds ways to sooth them and calm them down in the ring by using things they seem to enjoy in the wild. Scented grass, bits of fish, soft touches, slow, gentle movements. The village marvels at her newfound skills, and can’t help but wonder where she developed such a knack for controlling dragons despite spending basically all her time around “Stoick’s little runt.” She couldn’t be training with him, of all people...could she? Astrid, for one, is definitely none too pleased about her spot at the top of the class being threatened.

Meanwhile, Anna and Hiccup can’t help but grow fond of the dragons they watch. They start becoming more bold, and leaving snacks of trout and mutton for the scaled creatures. Anna is delighted when the food ends up attracting none other than what she’s pretty sure is the same changewing who spared her, as well as a curious snaptrapper. She’s never gotten to see a snaptrapper up close before, and is completely undeterred by the triple-jawed four heads. Rather, she is far more preoccupied with coming up with the perfect name for each head.

“Omigod, he’s so PRETTY! And he smells like CHOCOLATE!”

“...you know they probably emit that scent to lure in prey so they can slice it in three, right?”

“CHOCOLATE, HICCUP!!!”

With each new meal, the local dragons grow more and more comfortable with Hiccup and Anna. After a while, the changewing and the snaptrapper even let Anna touch their noses. Anna falls in love with watching the changewing seem to melt around the forest as she camouflages, and rolling in the mud with the snaptrapper after a summer storm. Hiccup starts catching what seems to be glimpses of the Night Fury he freed, and it appears that the curious creature has come back to investigate him.

The Night Fury appears more and more, drawn in by Hiccup’s trout feast. Hiccup notices the dragon’s wing is injured, likely shot by someone from the village. Although he’s not completely helpless, he’s having trouble. Hiccup sets to work on his most daring project yet--making a “brace” of sorts that can mend the ripped wing.

When Hiccup and Anna attempt to distract the Night Fury long enough to climb up and put the wing brace on, something unexpected happens. The dragon shoots up to the sky, both unwitting passengers clinging onto his tail for dear life.

Once they get their bearings and clamber up to his back, the Night Fury (who Hiccup has nicknamed “Toothless” for his retractable teeth) takes them on a flight through the clouds. Unable to help herself, Anna laces her arms around Hiccup’s waist--if only so she can supposedly “hold on better.”

Hiccup, of course, still doesn’t get it.

The flight takes a sinister turn when Toothless takes them to the dragon nest, and Hiccup finally gets his answer about where all of the villages food has been going--to their queen. Unsure what to do or how to free their new friends from the Red Death, Hiccup and Anna promise each other one thing or sure--none of the rest of Berk can know about the dragon nest. If they attack it, it spells disaster for both dragons and Vikings--not to mention the question of how they got there is sure to dig up their secret dragon-related activities as of late.

With each dragon raid, Anna finds herself more and more reluctant to fight dragons--especially now that she knows what’s actually going on. She only does the bare minimum to protect the food and the village, never going out of her way to attack a dragon or landing a killing blow (although by this point, she’d definitely be skilled enough to). During one particularly intense raid, Anna is finding it harder and harder to fend dragons off without doing lethal damage. While driving out a particularly tenacious monstrous nightmare, Anna happens upon the same changewing she’s befriended in the forest, limping to safety.

It would be incredibly easy to finish the dragon off, but Anna refuses. The dragon knows she’s beat, and so Anna lets her leave without so much as a swing of the princess’s sword.

Unfortunately, Astrid sees.

After the raid, Astrid storms up to Anna and chews her out in front of the whole village, yelling about how weak she was to not go for a dragon kill when she had the chance. It turns out Astrid’s also been noticing Anna going intentionally easy on the dragons, and how much the Arendelle princess seems to hold back when fighting him. Astrid knows it’s not physical incompetence, or a lack of skill--she’s seen Anna subdue plenty of dragons in training.

No, it seems to be the princess’s heart that’s weak. Her kingdom must be nothing but a bunch of bleeding-hearted morons, and she’ll never be tough enough to really belong in Berk.

As he watches Astrid yell and the Berkians all turn to sneer at the scene, Hiccup feels a sudden rush of protectiveness for his friend. Tears are starting to form in the corners of her eyes, and something gives in him seeing her subjected to the very ostracization that left him completely alone for so many years.

He walks up beside Anna, and suddenly he’s shouting like he’s never quite had the courage to before.

“You’re wrong, Astrid! You’re all wrong!”

Before long, he’s spilling everything--how dragons are intelligent and caring creatures, how they’re only stealing food to feed a ruthless queen, how he’s sure humans have killed far more dragons than vice versa. The village stares, horrified. When Stoick storms forward, Hiccup and Anna know it’s nothing good.

Stoick is disgusted. The very bodyguard he had brought all the way out to Berk to give his son strength did nothing but fill Hiccup’s head with softness and dangerous lies. He banishes Anna, warning her never to set foot in Berk or speak to his son again.

Hiccup will not have it. He says if Anna’s leaving, he’s coming with her. He’s made his choice, and he’s standing by the only person who ever really treated him with unconditional love and kindness.

“Fine,” Stoick says simply. “We’ll be rid of two traitors, then.”

Cast out from Berk, Hiccup and Anna find themselves with a new mission: Find the nest before the rest of Berk does, and take out the Red Death once and for all.

With the help of Toothless, the Changewing (who Anna has nicknamed “Flicker”), and the Snaptrapper (whose heads Anna have very creatively named Leafy, Greeny, Spiky, and Badbreath. It’s beyond Hiccup how she tells all of them apart, but she’s very adamant about which is which.), they find the dragon hive again, and attempt the impossible--attacking the queen. It seems hopeless at first, but once more and more malcontented dragons see what they’re doing, they join in and rebel.

It’s a tough fight, but the two humans and the revolting dragons come out on top. Not before the Red Death has one last hurrah, though--letting out a final, massive blast of fire that knocks Hiccup askew and sends him tumbling down into the flames. Toothless, Flicker, Anna, and the Snaptrapper dive after, and are quickly engulfed in red and orange.

Meanwhile, the Berkians have sent out ships following Hiccup, Anna, and their dragons, guessing the nest is where they were headed. By the time they get there, the fight is over--and Stoick and Gobber just manage to catch a glimpse of Hiccup plummeting into the flames.

Anna screams Hiccup’s name until the smoke burns her throat so much she can’t anymore. She remembers swooping underneath him and just managing to grab hold of his limp body before everything goes dark.

When she comes to later, it’s still dark--but she feels something soft and warm in her arms, and feels scales pressed against her back. Her arm is searing with pain, but she barely notices it as her eyes adjust to the darkness. Hiccup is curled up against her--groaning, but alive.

Not sure she’ll ever get another chance, she puts a hand on his cheek and finally tells him the truth. “I love you.”

He opens his eyes and looks, gaze shocked until a slow realization washes over him. He smiles. “I love you, too.”

They both pass out, still wrapped up in each other.

When the flames clear, Stoick sees what looks like a pile of dragons, all pressed together with their wings folded in. Slowly, they lift their wings to reveal two humans--charred in places, but alive.

Wracked with guilt, Stoick realizes he was wrong. Hiccup’s new bodyguard helped his son become stronger and braver than the chief of Berk ever imagined.

It turns out taking down the queen saved the dragons and the humans, and thanks to Hiccup, Anna, and their dragon friends, Berk will never have to worry about dragon raids again.

It turns out Hiccup’s leg and Anna’s arm didn’t quite make it out of the fire. Luckily, Gobber has always been handy at prosthetics--and Hiccup manages to make a fairly dextrous and functional metal hand for Anna. Anna is utterly delighted with how cool it looks.

After the whole Red Death incident, it’s decided that Hiccup is probably competent enough that he doesn’t need his own bodyguard anymore. Nonetheless, Anna is welcome to stay in Berk as long as she likes. And with new dragon friends and an incredibly cute new boyfriend, she’s not going anywhere anytime soon!

***

This is in reference to this post! I’ve already done these questions for Moanida. Theoretically still willing to do any questions I haven’t yet for Hiccanna and Moanida, although these were exhausting to write out so I might not give as long of answers XD

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #otp questions #hiccup haddock #princess anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #rotbtd #rotbtfd #httyd #frozen #crossover

[jj-ktae]

Papers, III

Title : Papers Pairing : Park Jinyoung x Fem!Reader Genre : Victorian Era, Romance, Fluff, Angst, smut-ish, Words : 4881 Summary : In the merciless 1850′s, Park Jinyoung finds solace in tiny pieces of paper and their owner.

Will be updated every Wednesday at 9 p.m CEST. (I will probably have to change the schedule because of tumblr.)

Thank you @jaebeomsmullet​ for the amazing banner ! 

Prologue - I - II - 

III, 

You feel odd. Your encounter with that gentleman is still printed into your head, the words repeating and causing a whirlpool of unusual anxiety.

Why did he sound so indignant? What caused such a hatred toward rich people when he obviously studies in an expensive school?

Maybe he is one of these rebellious kids, preaching peace and equality around the country. You’ve seen them in your neighbourhood, all kind and sweet with people like you who “are as deserving as the rest of the population”. They are usually from wealthy families and try to fight for what they think is right.

Maybe he is studying while fighting inequalities.

Vivienne quickly kills your theories as soon as you go back to work the next day. No one seems to mention the incident, even though you both came back home feeling paralysed from shock. You thought you were going to be yelled at, but it is like nothing happened.

“Aunt told me there are students who aren’t rich. It is now common for rich people to do charity.” She explains. Her arms are getting sore from the intense scrubbing in the offices but she works harder, eager to get it over with. “She mentioned it is usually directed toward homeless children.”

You stop sweeping the solid oak floor, head tilted to the side. “These people help random children in the streets? Why would he hate them, then?” It doesn’t make sense, this gentleman sounded like he was about to burst.

“I thought so too…” Vivienne continues, before taking a deep breath and stretching her arms. “but then Aunt said these actions were not made upon real kindness of heart.”

You aren’t surprised.

You finish working quietly, your mind troubled with theories about who that gentleman could be. Your peacefulness isn’t as lovely as what you predicted and upon realising your mind cannot forget about him, you enter yet another room.

--

Jinyoung is unable to erase the memory. It is so unlike him to lose his temper. He knows himself, he knows he can be choleric but control had always been his strongest weapon, especially in that jungle they call society.

At the same time, he hates having to keep himself composed.

“That is a very barbaric way to greet a young lady.” Jaebeom utters. He lifts his head to peak at his silent friend before leaning against the wall.

Jinyoung snorts, eyes opening to find a rotting ceiling. “You are unbeatable at consoling people.”

“You tend to function with admonishment. If no one tells you where to stop, I’m afraid you’ll end up killing someone with your hatred, Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung knows. His anger is swelling along the years, probably because with age comes realisation. What was unfair back then is unbearable now. He turns around abruptly from his spot on the dirty couch, his face aiming for Jaebeom’s composed presence. “She looked exactly like we used to when we were frightened of being beaten to death. You should have seen it, how she was expecting me to destroy her whole existence with the back of my hand. Is this what life is supposed to be about?”

Jaebeom thinks for a minute and almost seems moved; he knows too much about that fear he has yet to exorcise.

But he shakes his head, too slowly to announce he is going to agree. “Only us are responsible for our fortune. No one is going to take us out of here. Charwomen and maids have enough to do, they do not need you to add to their misery.”

“How are you suddenly taking everyone else’s side?” Here it comes again, the wrath. Jinyoung has no idea how it became to uncontrollable.

“Jinyoung, I am on your side. I, too, have been beaten, have lost my parents, have been trying to survive. No one else understands you better than I do. Jackson has been working for us and all I can do is watch him kill himself and for what? Look at this room, look how disgusting it is. Nonetheless, we cannot hate everyone. We can blame the rich if it pleases you, but we cannot hate the poor for following them. We are on our own already and I don’t want to end like a recluse.” Jaebeom parts from the wall, his hands now into the pockets of his stained jacket. “Hatred is going to destroy you more than it will build you.”

He pats Jinyoung’s shoulder before leaving.

From his spot on the dirty furniture, he closes his eyes again as he hears his friend utter about the bread being mouldy again.

--

“I will definitely pay you back for your help! Thank you!” Vivienne has other things to do today. She mentioned her aunt being very sick so you decided to stay and finish cleaning in her place. Only a couple of offices are left so it shouldn’t take long. You are thankful for that; your back has been in pain for the past weeks.

It happens a lot when the weather is humid.

Being a charwoman is hard, but it is easier than any other occupation available. It is convenient for you don’t have to meet with anyone but your direct superior and it is quiet. The school is always empty whenever you arrive, making the tasks more peaceful and bearable.

That is, until someone makes a scene for no acceptable reason.

Come to think of it, it is ridiculous for someone to be mad at you for not despising the rich. How did he expect you to react? Doesn’t he know how easy it is to maim one’s life? You brush the thoughts away when you’re finished. It’s a little mistake bound to never happen again. Everyone has their own worries and you have plenty already.

After all, there is so little you can do to change things.

You feel your bones crack when you stretch lazily, your neck now stiff and hands burning from the strong detergent. You are thirty minutes away from bed and board - it sounds less pitiful that way - and you cannot wait.

The evening is moist and warm, adding to your damp skin and tearing shivers down your spine. You grab your holed cardigan, letting it swipe the floor as you pass the big wrought-iron doors and stop when you find him, again.

He wears no sign of resentment for his face is relaxed, lost even. He takes a few steps toward you when he finds you staring.

“Good evening.”

His voice is deeper than you remembered, but you don’t have the time to ponder on his tessitura. Your hand hurriedly goes to your stained dress in order to bow respectfully. You don’t know who he is and you would rather not risk it a second time.

He seems to have quite the bad temper.

“There is no need for such greetings.” He stops you mid-way, a careful hand prompting you to abandon the useless movement. “I am of the same...social standing.”

You blink at him, Vivienne’s words echoing at the back of your head.

“Is there…. anything you need?” You try carefully, your face straight. You cannot let the incident affect you.

Jinyoung looks around the building, expecting to see your friend arrive and silently hoping she would come just a bit later. “I wish to discuss...about our previous encounter. Do you happen to have time to spare?”

He seems too careful to be that gentleman who almost barked at you. Still, you don’t feel like pushing him away. Despite all the commotion, his eyes captivate you whole.

You nod, turning around when these same orbs appear to be restless and looking for something.

“My friend is already gone.” You explain, sensing he might be looking for the person who is too familiar to be a mere workmate.

Jinyoung nods, reacting quickly before someone walks by. “There is a garden, this way.”  He takes a step back and nods toward an empty bench between trees; the one you oftentimes find when your legs hurt too much to walk back home just yet.

He lets you lead the way, his hand into his pockets and looking prudent.

You sit without waiting, the thought of him being of same class enough to erase all plans of acting according proper etiquette. You see he doesn’t mind, or probably doesn’t care for he sits slightly away from you, his legs and arms now crossed. He leans and turns, his face now on full exposure and absorbing all the clouds’ hues.

He is surprisingly gracious, even wrapped into miserable clothing.

“I would like to ask for forgiveness. I didn't mean to be such a brute and speak so harshly. I lost my temper. If anything, I am relieved you are the one I have been corresponding with. Before you ask, I knew it was you as soon as I saw the way you were looking at the notes.” He begins, his tone steady.

“Why do you...speak this way?” You ask. He seems awfully polite for someone of the same background; god knows how uncommon it is for the lower-class to be so conscious of each-other.

Jinyoung doesn’t understand. “How do I speak?”

“Like I am of high upbringing.”

“What is a high upbringing?” Jinyoung cannot help but ask, his face now genuinely confused.

You sigh, not grasping the situation. “I am poor. You can speak comfortably.”

“I am only respecting you. Everyone shall be addressed with respect, regardless of upbringing or whatever you want to call it. Do you not agree?”

It doesn’t surprise you. You’ve heard enough of him to understand his intentions. It matches with his previous words and actions. This gentleman can’t abide this society.

“I do. I do but it doesn’t matter nor changes anything.” You answer, turning around on the bench to face him.

Jinyoung hums, before the hint of a smile blooms on his usually stern features. “It just did. While I am sure no stranger ever treated you with respect, it just happened. How does it feel? Do you not want it to happen every day?”

“It is unusual. I am not sure whether I feel comfortable or not.” You admit, quite amazed by his tricks.

“I wish everyone would. Do not misunderstand; I am no idealist but I wish for things to change.” Jinyoung continues, his arms now relaxed as his hand finds his cheek to let his head rest on it. “It is why I acted the way I did. My passion is bigger than my brain.”

You chuckle at the comparison. Passion is something you’ve lost long ago. “You’re not the regular type of student.”

“When I see my fellow classmates, I can definitely take it as a compliment.” Jinyoung hoped for a serious conversation. He had prepared a ton of sentences, full of apologies. Now everything is gone and he is left with only himself and your rather composed self.

“But, what makes you so different?” You question, eager to know more. Maybe it is because he looks and sounds mysterious.

Jinyoung hesitates and takes a proper position on the bench, before clearing his throat. “Background. It makes a big difference and it is not a story you wish to hear but I am willing to share if you do the same.”

You nod, adopting the same posture on the bench. You have all the time you need.

--

This gentlemen’s name is Park Jinyoung and he is an orphan. It is the first sentence he uttered when he recounted his story. He probably left a lot of gruesome details aside but it looks detailed. From the burning of the building where he lived to how he ended in coal mines like every kid. He mentions a man who paid for a couple of the kids’ education as the reason he ended here, before explaining how he wishes to become a famous writer. He is smart, brilliant even, from the way he speaks to how he expresses his emotions.

He looks nothing like the enraged gentleman in the amphitheatre.

“When I put that first piece of paper under the table, I was convinced I would correspond with another boring and over-mannered student.” Jinyoung finishes, glancing at you.

“I might not be as entertaining.” You admit, eyes glancing back but unable to hold the same intensity.

“What is entertainment anyways…If anything, I am glad it was you.”

You freeze, the mere thought of being sufficient to anyone enough to block your every joint. No answer leaves your mouth, but Jinyoung doesn’t need any.

“How about you share your story now, art student?” He even jokes, his smile building wrinkles around his eyes.

You cough.

Jinyoung listens, looking really absorbed when you explain how your father left your family when you were a kid. You try to say as much as you can think at the moment. It is difficult to gather the information but you succeed, deliberately keeping some things to yourself and mentioning only the bearable details too. This gentleman doesn’t need to know everything right now, he has enough to be able to leave the stranger zone, but too little to be a confidant. You refuse to admit you are actually ashamed of sharing the darkest part of your life.

Jinyoung isn’t surprised. He lets you finish and claps his hands two times, speaking about unlucky people and misery. He insists on walking you home and you agree. He who was so out of reach earlier is now close at hand and relaxed.

And as you expected, you enjoy his company.

Jinyoung does, too. He was supposed to find you and apologize before disappearing but his literary personality brought him beyond borders. He doesn’t try to explain it, not in the mood to resolve the enigma.

Deep inside, he knows.

You are leaving when he stops you, his voice slightly quivering as he asks for another encounter. You tell him that he knows where to find you and he promises to show you something at school the next time he sees you.

When Jinyoung gets back home, he greets Jaebeom with a smile. The latter is surprised but not shocked.

That night, he lets them eat his share of food.

Sleeping is impossible despite your level of exhaustion. The evening repeats, endless and replaying Jinyoung’s careful composure. You let it invade you, captivated and curious to know more about him. You fall asleep to him and his unexpected ideas about a world where no one should suffer.

--

“Vivi, stop saying such nonsense!” You don’t want her to imagine things. Vivienne is into romance and fairy tales so it is normal to see her squeak in delight when you tell her what happened.

“Are you going to see him again? When?” She is ecstatic, her agitated hands doing a poor job covering her high-pitched voice. You shake your head, unable to find the answer to such a simple question.

You don’t know when he will find you again. You know nothing about his whereabouts but he knows your schedule and that makes it all extraordinarily exciting. You are almost eager to head to work in hope he will appear magically, at any corner.

But for a whole week there is no sign of Park Jinyoung. Even though you walk back home with heavier steps, even though you stay longer than usual, he is nowhere to be seen.

Maybe it was just common courtesy. He did act like quite the gentleman so he probably wanted to make it up for that first encounter. That must be it.

“Patience is a virtue.” Vivienne speaks one night upon arriving where you live. “He will show up.” she seems confident with her tiny smile as she leaves you by your door. She has obligations she cannot postpone.

“Y/N?” You hear when you close the door, a heavy smell filling your nose. You rush toward the voice, gasping when the horrifying scene appears before your eyes.

“Mother, what happened?” You almost cry, kneeling in front of a bleeding woman. Her face is soaked with tears and her body is so rigid it is almost impossible to make her move.

“A rough...client.” She speaks through gritted teeth, her split lip painting a red line on her chin.

It happens sometimes. Your mother would come back abused and hurt.

“Why don’t you stop, mother? You don’t have to- You don’t-” your tears are heavy with remorse when you find her, gasping for air that isn’t going to rip her probably broken ribs. “I can do it; I will do it so stop working there.”

She glares at you, looking more pitiful than threatening. “Do not think about setting a foot in that nightmare ever again. I will not let my daughter...sell her body.” She finishes, torn between rage and sorrow. “I am sorry for not being able to give you what you deserve.”

“It’s fine, mother. It’s fine.” You help her lay down properly and sit by her side, not reacting when she mentions she wasn’t able to bring money today.

It is the darkest point in your story. You like to think you can live with the thought of your mother working in a brothel but you don’t. She always does her best to show you a positive side of herself, celebrating when she brings enough money to buy two miserable sausages and silent when younger prostitutes are preferred to her company - leaving her without a single coin. She never talks about her occupation in hope it’ll be forgotten in the middle of hardships but you see it; you see the blood-stained fabrics and hear her cries deep in the night.

It is a common occupation. Prostitution is the easiest way to have sufficient money and a lot of young ladies and women resolve to work into brothels. The ones who wander the streets alone never end well, their encounters ending badly more often than not. Therefore, brothels are so busy; no one wants to sell themselves without any sort of support.

But for what? Brothels do not care about their workers; the women are abandoned when deemed useless and fired without any consideration. You hate that world, you hate how easy it is to lose all humanity for dirty money.

You have to survive although it hurts is what your mother said while taking your place in the brothel. She gave her dignity away upon seeing her daughter deprived of her innocence and ordered you to find a proper occupation.

She must have had enough of you coming back smelling like alcohol and tobacco, limping until your body would crash on the floor, shaking. You were never mad at her, it was your decision, as stupid as it was. You feel guilty now, guilty for letting her take your place and deteriorate her body even more.

“I will bring something to eat tomorrow mother, I will be paid.” Your income is ridiculous but it is better than nothing.

She answers incoherent words, her head lifeless on the dirty bed. You look at the blood stains on her dress and close your eyes.

You hate it here.

--

Jackson is exhausted. He walks with difficulty, his cough getting worse with every night he spends at the mine. He cannot attempt his training sessions anymore but he jokes about it being useless and not worth his time. He also refuses to let Jinyoung or Jaebeom go, pretending he prefers working there anyways.

Both Jinyoung and Jaebeom have to force him to stop.

“You can take care of him better than I will. I’ll take his place tonight.” Jinyoung says, already aiming toward the door when he hears Jaebeom begging him to be careful.

“I will try.” he answers, before leaving.

“You two shouldn’t go there…” Jackson speaks, his voice even raspier than usual. “You two have the potential to make it out of here. I have nothing but thick skin. I can do this.”

“You have to stop saying this.” Jaebeom looks mad but he is merely trying to hide his fear. “We can’t make it out of here and even if we do, we won’t sacrifice you. Stop being so stubborn and let us work, too. We won’t break.” He finishes, ignoring the flashing memories.

Jackson brings him back into reality. “Don’t be dumb. I haven’t been sacrificing myself all these years for you to fail now.  We all know I am lucky to be breathing. You two better become famous or I will haunt you in the afterlife.”

“I promise I will kill you myself if you ever joke like this again, Jackson. Just sleep, I’ll wake you up when I’m done with the potatoes.” Jaebeom orders, walking away before he starts sobbing.

Life is too messed up.

He knows he has always been the weakest one. Jackson has a strong body; he endures everything and never gives up. Jinyoung has immense willpower; his determination makes him the toughest. Unlike Jackson, he doesn’t cry.  

But what about him? He was the quietest as a kid; the one who would follow without questioning. He had the weakest body because of an accident where he fell right on his head and hurt his back in the process. He is the oldest but can barely support his own brothers. His eyes find his notebook, filled with poems he wishes to show the world. One day, maybe, he will consider himself as a man.

As Jaebeom pokes a potato he hears Jackson, way too loud to be considered in bad shape.

“You better not be thinking about negative things, I’m warning you!”

He chuckles, the tears stopping from falling into the boiling water.

“I’m not!”

--

“Hello.”

You jump, the broom falling from your hands and hitting the floor. Jinyoung is standing against the opened door, his arms crossed and a tiny wound visible on his eyebrow arch.

“Hello…” You trail of, bending to pick the fallen object.

“May I wait for you to be done with work?”

You blink, observing Jinyoung’s face which looks puzzled when confronted to your silence. He balances himself from one foot to the other.

“Are you okay?” Jinyoung insists, tearing you from your trans. You nod clumsily, barely able to answer before Jinyoung turns around to greet someone.

Vivienne appears from nowhere, sweaty and looking like she has been running around the building

“Oh- Oh! You are the gentleman from the other night!” She stops next to Jinyoung, her eyes communicative in a not so subtle way. “We are almost finished but,” she walks toward you and grabs the broom, wrapping her arm lazily around your shoulders. “I can do it by myself!”

You look at her, then at Jinyoung who snorts, looking slightly surprised to see such an upbeat person standing next to you.

“If you are free, I would like to show you something.”

“This young lady is totally free to go.” Vivienne bows, her arm now pushing you violently to make you react. “I will see you later!” She then turns around, signalling there is no way to escape your fate.

You look at Jinyoung with a timid smile which he answers quickly before taking a few steps back. “After you.” he almost chants. You thank him, still at a loss of words. You have to wake up at some point and try to hold a conversation but it is as if your brain stopped functioning.

You hear Jinyoung’s steps next to you, echoing in the halls as he proceeds to tell you where to go. The walk is silent but none of you mind; you both have issues you need to ponder over.

The school is filled with marvellous places and gardens. You never dared wandering at its heart but you couldn’t help but notice the few rooms and plants, full of flowers blooming in the thick nature. It’s an old but elegant building.

Jinyoung makes you turn a couple of times but it’s enough to take you to a new aisle, one you never set a foot in. It looks like it isn’t used because it is empty.  He takes the lead and stops in front of a door before opening it.

“It is my favourite room. I don’t come as often as I used to.” Jinyoung lets you enter, his hand revealing a big and illuminated room. “It’s the perfect time to come here.”

it is indeed. The room is filled with paintings, from the walls to the floor. Some of them are dusty, others look new. The colours are melting together perfectly and are drinking the last traces of the sun which invites itself behind the windows.

“This is where they store the paintings from the classes.” Jinyoung arrives behind you but doesn’t stop and aims for the windows. he opens the thick glass and takes a deep breath. “It is so quiet around here.”

There are only trees on that side of the school so no one walks by and Jinyoung is thankful for that. You watch him lean against the window frame, the wind sweeping his hair and for a second he looks like that gentleman in romantic books.

You join him quickly, his aura attracting you unconsciously. “Why did you want me to see this room?” you try, both glad and hesitant.

“You seem to be in need of peacefulness, just like me.” The gentleman explains, finally turning his head to find your distraught orbs. “Today more than anything, I want to pretend only I exist. Or maybe I want to disappear.” he chuckles.

“I feel the same, without the room to hide myself into.” You joke, raising a hand to hide yourself behind the last sunbeams.

“Feel free to use this room when needed. Once the school is closed you are free to wander these walls.” Jinyoung offers, his eyes not leaving your face as you start playing with the lights and their warmth.

How much of waste is it to look this stunning but to be considered like dirt.

He finds a tear falling down your cheek and it makes him speak faster than intended. “What is the matter?” he presses, leaning to arrive at your level and inspect your face.

You shake your head, observing his features and noticing a couple of tiny cuts signalling he must be shaving regularly.

“If someone were to be hurt while trying to make your life better, would you feel guilty or enjoy what you have as a token of gratitude?”

The question takes Jinyoung off-guard. It hits so close to home that it hurts for a second, the images of a Jackson wheezing and coughing already haunting. He opens his mouth, not noticing the proximity as he picks the words carefully before he ends in the same state as you.

“I would want to enjoy, but guilt would take over. Knowing me, I would be blaming the whole universe instead of doing something useful. there is so much I worry about, so much I can’t find the force to face.” He speaks words which are true. Jinyoung doesn’t know how to deal with the guilt so he fights. He haunts, in search of a new element to hate so he doesn’t end up despising himself for being so useless.

“What is worrying you? I personally don’t do any of these. I do not enjoy nor do I fight. I live through the days, ignoring the pain of my own blood which is too often spilled.”

“Is it about your mother?” Jinyoung knows this much. You mentioned living with her and your eyes are too bloodshot for it not to be about someone as dear as a parent.

He understands he got it right when you start crying. You cry so loud it almost scares him but he quickly recovers, his face turning toward the nature outside.

Unfortunately, he knows too much about the sacrifice of a parent not to understand your sorrow. “There is nothing a parent isn’t willing to do for their infant. I discovered this at a young age.”

It makes you stop crying instantly, remorse taking over once again. “I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean to-” you sigh, muffling more pitiful noises because you are being completely insensitive and complaining about your mother while he is an orphan. “I shouldn’t be so childish when there are people who couldn’t-”

Jinyoung’s head appears, almost like a whip. “Don’t. Don’t speak like you are pitying me. If you want to cry go ahead, I promise it will not make much difference. You have the right to worry about your mother and feel like you are useless. You are no dead weight though; you are alive and breathing and it is the most important thing for her. Parents want their kids breathing, let it be air or dust.”

You feel even more sorry when you hear his resilience. You nod furiously, melting in numerous tears as Jinyoung grabs his sleeve to wipe your messy face. He cleans it as thoroughly as he can, from the salty drops on your eyelash to your runny nose. He brushes your sticky locks away from your face before patting your head softly.

“Let’s leave my worries for another encounter, young lady.”

#got7 #got7 jinyoung #got7 park jinyoung #jinyoung #park jinyoung scenario #park jinyoung got7 #park jinyoung x reader #jinyoung scenarios #jinyoung scenario #got7 scenarios #got7 scenario #got7 x you #got7 x reader #got7 jaebum #got7 jaebeom #got7 jackson #got7 fanfic #got7 fluff #got7 fiction #jinyoung x you #jinyoung x reader #park jinyoung x you

[fantasyfandommaiden]

ML Counsellor AU: Rena Rouge’s Session

Another night, another superhero showing up on her balcony. Luckily, Rena Rouge is a fan of chai tea, and just wants to gush about her civilian best friend.

Taking place a few weeks before Anasi.

~~~~~~~

Carmine Regal had been sitting on her balcony, just enjoying her tea when she spotted not two but three figures leaping across the rooftops of Paris. At first she was concerned that another akuma had appeared that day, but noted that it seemed like Ladybug and Chat Noir were just showing around the new hero, Rena Rouge. She had made a few appearances, seeming to only appear when it was necessary, which made sense in a way. The more Miraculous that were out, the more likely Hawkmoth could somehow capture them… although it would be easier on Ladybug and Chat Noir to have assistance… 

She blinked when she saw them stop on top of the building across from her balcony. Chat Noir gestured towards Carmine, and three began to speak to one another, before Ladybug nodded, and gestured towards her as well. Rena looked over towards Carmine, the woman giving the fox heroine a small wave. 

Ladybug and Chat Noir then began to leap across the buildings before Rena Rouge gave an elegant leap, landing on the guard rail of Carmine’s balcony, the fox heroine grinning widely at her. “Good evening, Mlle Regal!” she said happily. “My name is Rena Rouge, a pleasure to make your acquaintance! Chat Noir told me that speaking to you was sort of a… rite of passage I guess, among the heros? Do you have a few moments to speak to me?” 

Carmine smiled, bringing out a second tea cup “Your lucky I am getting used to people popping in on me, Rena Rouge.” 

The fox heroine grinned even wider, hopping off the guardrail and sitting down on the chair as Carmine poured her some chai tea. Carmine looked at the heroine in front of her, taking in the girl's appearance. 

Red hair that rivaled hers in colour, but with white tips, large fox ears positioned on top of her head. Large hazel eyes, with a domino mask that covered a good portion of her face, and her superhero costume which reminded her of a fox greatly with the long tail. 

Carmine expected Rena’s appearance to change however. A downside to her family’s ability to see through glamour was that the moment her magic sense glamoured, her eyes would begin to see through it without her consent… however for some reason that wasn’t the case here, which confused her. 

In most cases, so long as Carmine had a stronger will than the person using glamour, she could see through it, even if it took time. This had been the case with Ladybug, who had an extremely strong will and desire to keep her identity hidden. Chat Noir on the other hand, she could see through a fair bit easier, though still had some difficulties. 

However when she looked at Rena Rouge, her appearance didn’t change much… aside from her hair appearing to become a darker shade of red, and the white tips gaining a bit of colour. She then remembered the Fox Miraculous’s main ability, illusions… of course she would have a harder time seeing through the foxes glamour. 

The red haired woman simply smiled, offering Rena Rouge a tea cup. 

“So, Rena Rouge, what would you like to talk about?” 

Rena Rouge let out a low hum, thinking it over, trying to think about what she could talk about without giving away her identity, that had been the rule that Ladybug gave her before her and Chat had raced off. 

“For the most part Mlle, I’m actually fine… could I ask for advice for a friend of mine though? And yes, it IS actually a friend.” she said grinning widely. 

Carmine smiled gesturing for her to continue as she took a sup of her tea. 

“Okay, so my best friend, let's call her… M.A. Anyways, M.A is the most amazing, kind, generous, creative girl I have ever met.” Rena Rouge said with the utmost sincerity, grinning widely “She is kind and considerate, and always puts others ahead of herself, which I both love and hate about her at times. She however suffers from a lot of social anxieties because she used to be bullied a lot before we became friends, but she has come really far! She is the kind of girl you can always depend on… which is part of the problem.” 

Carmine looked at Rena with a slight raised brow “Oh? You would think that you would like having a dependable friend.” 

“Oh, I do! She’s the kind of person anyone can depend on… and she likes people depending on her.” Rena explained, fiddling with her tea cup. “See… how do I explain this without going too far into secret identities…” she said frowning “... Okay, so you ever have that friend that is great at multitasking, and will take on any project head first? She’s like that, only on top of her own projects, she’ll also help our class, and she honestly goes above and beyond for that too… but…” 

Carmine’s eyes widened as she realized where she was getting at “You're worried that M.A will suffer from burn out.” she said finally, to which the fox heroine nodded rapidly.

“Exactly! It’s not even a matter of she can’t say no, she knows how to, but whenever she hears that someone needs a hand with something, and if it is even CLOSE to something she is good at, she’ll volunteer to help, regardless of the fact if she already had like ten other things on her plate.” Rena stated frowning “... And I know I sometimes add to it too. Like a few weeks ago, my boyfriend got these tickets for one time showing this old superhero movie that I had been dying to see. I was supposed to have the night off from looking after my siblings, but something came up with my parents' work. I had called M.A, and she agreed to babysit but…” 

“... You felt guilty for adding more to her load.” 

Rena nodded sadly “... Like, she said it was fine, but after the movie I remembered how she had been working on a personal project for awhile… I just want to help her stop putting so much stuff onto herself, but I also don’t want to take away that spark of independence! So… what do I do?” 

Carmine let out a low hum as she thought it over. It was a unique problem, especially since Rena wasn’t the one with this problem. 

“Well Rena, first thing you have to bear in mind… Your friend might be handing it better than you think. She might enjoy being busy, and having multiple things to do, maybe having less can cause her to be anxious… However if you're still concerned, here are some tips you can.” she stated, placing her tea cup onto the small table. “First thing first, tell your friend your concerns. Sometimes just knowing someone cares is enough. Second, try not to add to her load unless it is something that only she can help you with or if she isn't busy. Third, try to alleviate some of her work if you can, this can be as simple as helping her study or volunteering to do something for her that you know you can handle. Finally… remind your friend to take breaks and do things she enjoys doing, or even offer to go and do something fun with her… and of course, check up on her when you can.” 

Rena nodded along to everything she was saying, clearly absorbing the information like a sponge. Her flute then… dinged? Carmine looked momentarily confused as Rena Rouge brought out her flute and flipped open a section, looking at it. “Ladybug needs me to meet her, patrol is done for the night and I have to return the Miraculous.” she said, smiling at Carmine. “Thank you Mlle Regal… I’ll take what you said to heart.” she stated “Good night!” she called before leaping into the Parisian night. 

~~~~~~~~

Carmine stood on the balcony hallway of the school the next morning, observing the students coming and going with a small smile on her face and a mug of tea in her hand. Her train of thought was however interrupted as she heard Alya and Marinette speaking to one another on their way to class.

“Girl, it’s fine! How many times have you had to go to the class rep meetings without me because I had to do something with the school blog?” Alya stated with a bright smile. Marinette on the other hand seemed hesitant, gripping the straps of her bag. “But Alya, you had something important to do, the only thing I have to do is a dress I’ve been meaning to finish and that can be finished after the meeting.” Alya simply waved a hand at that “Think of it as me paying you back for looking after the holy terrors from last time, you deserve some of your time.” 

“Alya, you PAID me to look after your sisters, you always pay me.” 

“You still deserve some time to yourself! Come on girl, how long have you been meaning to finish this dress?” Alya asked, hands on her hips as she looked at the blue haired girl. Marinette fidgeted slightly, a slight blush on her cheeks. “... About a month or so? I’ve been busy.”

“Well, consider this my way of helping you become LESS busy. I’ll go to the class rep meeting, since I AM your deputy, take notes, if they need your input for something, I’ll give you a call, sound good?” Alya asked, looking at her best friend who slowly seemed to accept the idea before smiling and nodded.

“Okay, thanks Alya, this means a lot.” Marinette started with a bright smile. Alya just waved her hand again as if it was nothing. 

“Please, I’ve got your back girl! You ever need an extra hand with something, let me know!’

Carmine watched the whole interaction with great interest as the girls walked into their classroom, a slow, knowing smile spreading across her face as she took a sip of her tea.

#ml au #ladybug au #counsellor au #carmine regal #rena rouge #ladybug #alya cesaire #Alya Sugar #ML Sugar #Good Friend Alya

[gershwinn]

GLAMOUR’s November coverstar Lili Reinhart: A powerful interview on anxiety, depression, therapy and body image.

“Depression has affected me in so many ways. It’s something that never goes away,” Lili Reinhart confides to me over the phone. She’s in Vancouver, I’m in LA, but the distance doesn’t stop us having one of the most open and honest interviews of my career.

Many interviews with Lili seek to get the lowdown on her relationship with her Riverdale co-star, Cole Sprouse, who she’s been officially dating since 2018. Indeed, after much talk of a break-up over the summer, Lili notably uploaded a series of photobooth PDA shots with Cole, leading to an internet meltdown and more than seven million Instagram likes. But it’s the conversation around her other, more long-term relationship – with anxiety and depression – that she wants to talk about today.

“I’ve experienced depression and anxiety. Not constantly, but I’m still experiencing it,” she shares. “I have spells of time where I feel completely unmotivated, I don’t want to do anything and I question myself. I don’t know how to handle stress very well. I find that talking about it and sharing my experience with other people, and reminding myself that I’m not alone has been incredibly therapeutic.” At 23 years old, she has found an open and honest voice on social media, sharing everything from body image to her acne with her 20.8 million Instagram followers. It’s an outlet that has no doubt empowered others, but has also helped herself -no wonder Lili was just named as one of Time Magazine's 100.

Speaking openly is something Lili believes strongly in, since attending therapy in her teens. “When I first started going to therapy, it was out of my incredible social anxiety. I was having trouble going to school every day. I was crying before school. I would fake being sick so my mom would let me stay home. When you hear the term ‘crippling anxiety’, that’s what I had when I was 14 years old.

“Seeing the therapist allowed me to be understood. The goal for me has been to always leave therapy feeling a couple of inches taller. Feeling like I’ve alleviated myself of a problem by learning how to solve it. Not everything has a straight answer – it’s not just going to take one session – but I start to think, ‘I’ve grown, I’ve done this, I’ve figured this out, now can I go off into the world and try to put what I’ve learned into action.’ That’s how I look at therapy. I am not crazy, and I am not problematic. I am just a human who’s feeling something in a different way than some other people would.”

Having battled with anxiety for nearly a decade and actively seeking help for it, I wonder what Lili’s relationship with anxiety is like now? “Frustrating. It’s something that I’ve accepted, but I don’t understand it,” she sighs.

“Sometimes I wake up and I’m like, ‘OK, I have anxiety today.’ I’m not really sure why, I’m more irritable than usual. It’s like an undercurrent that lives within me, and certain social situations can obviously trigger my anxiety. I work a lot of hours, sometimes I don’t get a lot of sleep, and that makes me anxious. I’ve found a way to talk myself down when I’m getting super anxious.”

The small act of writing a list to help rationalise her big issues has helped. “I will take a pen to paper and write out a list of everything that I’m feeling anxious about, then when I step back and look at my list of things I’m like, ‘That’s really not that much to be worried about and there’s really no need for it to be causing you this much turmoil.’ That’s how I’ve learned to put things into perspective.”

When Lili isn’t hustling to deal with her mental health, she’s negotiating the greasy pole of Hollywood, which is apt given her recent big screen role in strip club drama Hustlers, alongside Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block herself has taught Lili a lot about the power of hustling. “Jennifer Lopez has said about herself, ‘I’m always the hardest worker in the room and I never stop,’” says Lili. “I admire that and that’s what I’ve been doing. At least this past year has been trying to take advantage of where I am in my life. I don’t have kids, I’m young, in my 20s – I can take the time and energy to put into my career.”

Lili is booked and busy. Aside from Riverdale, she has just landed a coveted CoverGirl beauty campaign, finished her first producing role on the Amazon movie Chemical Hearts, and recently put the final touches to her book of poetry, Swimming Lessons, both of which will drop in 2020.

She says poetry has helped her to understand herself. “It’s therapeutic,” she adds. “I would rather feel too much, than feel nothing at all. Poetry gives me that feeling that my feelings are normal, justified. That other people have felt heartache and grief. I know that the things I’ve written are what 99% of human beings have felt, when they read my book.”

It’s this knowledge of struggle that meant playing strip club worker Annabelle in Hustlers really spoke to her. “I love how Annabelle doesn’t have her sh*t together, because that’s very real. There’s been a large amount of times in my life – like when I first moved to LA, away from my parents’ house and living on my own for the first time, I almost felt like a baby bird jumping out of a nest. You’re just told to fly, without being taught how to fly. You can learn how to balance your cheque book in school, learn how to pay taxes, but no one teaches you how to live on your own, how to take care of yourself, and how to be an adult. It’s very much a trial by fire.”

Meanwhile, alongside her rise to fame, Lili was managing her well documented issue with body dysmorphia – something Lili attributes to acne and to social media, which both contributed to it, but also helped her to manage it by connecting her to a like-minded community of people.

“Even today, I see myself in the mirror and think, this doesn’t look the way the world tells me it should. I don’t have a cinched, minuscule waist. I do have curves, I have cellulite, my arms aren't stick thin,” she says. “This is my body and we’re told that it should fit certain proportions. There’s such a disgusting problem right now with people photoshopping their bodies. Obviously, there’s a reason why people do it, they’re insecure, they feel like they’re not good enough, and that’s incredibly sad. When I see someone who’s authentically themselves, like models Charli Howard or Ashley Graham, who promote healthy, real body images, I think that is so refreshing and important. Our community values need to reflect that.”

She adds: “Charli’s messaging talks to me on social media. She makes me feel like my body doesn’t need to fit these impossible standards, and she’s a model, my body will never look like that. It just won’t, and 90% of women’s bodies will never look like that, but we are still only used to seeing one body on the runway and in magazines. It’s an incredibly stupid and confusing thing for that to be shoved down young men and women’s throats. Being told: ‘This is what beautiful is.’ And it’s often unachievable to regular people.”

Lili has equally been very vocal about airbrushing – having once taken a magazine to task after they photoshopped her waist. “I would love to see a world where people who are already thin don’t need to photoshop their waist even more, to make young girls, like me, when I was 14 or 16 years old go, ‘I thought I was skinny, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I need to have an eating disorder to make my body look like that.’ Life is not a FaceTune app.” Can we get an amen up in here?

One body insecurity Lili has been conditioned into dealing with and won’t tolerate any longer is “this idea of cellulite”, as she angrily put it. “It really pisses me off. It’s this weird thing where people think that it’s unnatural or a symbol of being fat. It’s so f*cked up because cellulite is just a part of the human body. It’s just genetic, it’s like having freckles on your face. It’s something that is there, you’re born with it, and it’s become this disgusting thing. We’re told: ‘We need to laser this away, no one wants to see that.’ There's nothing more beautiful than when I see stretch marks, or cellulite, and people’s real skin.”

Taking a new healthy mindset into the gym has also helped Lili overcome her body insecurities. “I’ve started to go to the gym out of the want to feel strong. I’m not going into the gym thinking, ‘I want to be skinny, or I need to lose 10 pounds, or I need to not have cellulite, or my arms need to be thinner.’ There’s so much power in feeling strong and physically healthy. It’s badass to be strong.”

Having overcome so many self-confidence issues while simultaneously rising to fame, I wonder what message she would want to give to that insecure girl who was sleeping on a mattress only three years ago. Without hesitating, Lili replies, “You’ve done good! But also, the struggle that you’re going through right now only makes your success so much more profound. There are people who have been given fame and fortune on a silver platter, but I don’t think there’s anything inspirational about those people.

“I was from a small town in Ohio, from a middle-class family, I knew no one in the acting business. I didn’t have a baton passed down to me from an actor in my family. I did it on my own from sheer passion and knowing that this is what I was good at, and this is what I wanted to do. There truly is a lot of power in struggle and survival, and that’s what makes you a strong person,” she finishes, defiantly.

People don’t come much stronger or more honest than Lili Reinhart. As we hang up the phone so she can fly to LA – the place where, she says, “I want to settle down and have a home” – I only hope she finds a happy ever after with her own mind.

Source: Glamour

#I know this is long okay #BUT #I really LOVED this entire interview #So GOOD #just from the topics to her eloquent as always views to everything! #so yeah #y'all getting long lmao #only cut a little bit of side info stuff #lr #lr glamour

[empaths-hsp]

Sensitive Men Are the Antidote to Toxic Masculinity

Toxic masculinity is both self-destructive and socially destructive.

“Toughen up bro.”

“Come on, be a man about it.”

“Show them you’re the man!”

Society has long taught us that manhood is acquired through dominance, strength, self-reliance, and the bottling up of emotions. But this has led to the dangerous epidemic of “toxic masculinity.” 

Now, I’m not a guy. But I’ve seen it happen. And quite frankly, it needs to stop. Toxic masculinity is harmful to everyone — both men and women.

While sensitivity is still a trait largely associated with girls and women, it should be something we encourage of boys and men. Highly sensitive men are the antidote to toxic masculinity. They are a guiding light that proves men can — and should — be thoughtful, considerate, and empathetic members of society. Men who understand and embrace their emotions know that feelings do not make them weak, but strong and healthy. 

How Traditional Masculinity Becomes Toxic Masculinity 

The American Psychological Association recently released guidelines — for the first time, I might add — for professionals who work with boys and men. The notion of traditional masculinity, the APA argued, has become a serious problem that requires unique intervention so boys can develop into healthier men.  

Traditional masculinity is essentially a social construct. It’s a way of idealizing what it means to be a man, and requiring all men to live up to that restrictive, impossible image: emotionless, strong, hard-working. 

Toxic masculinity emerges when that idea of traditional masculinity goes too far. It’s a way of thinking that if a guy doesn’t act in a certain way, they aren’t men. When that happens, the already constricting nature of traditional masculinity becomes something far more dangerous — both to men and the people in their lives.  

I want you to think of Gaston from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.” Remember him? Competitive, bulging muscles, misogynistic, violent and, definitely someone who won’t take “no” for an answer. Gaston is the epitome of toxic masculinity.

Some typical traits associated with toxic masculinity are: 

Shows no emotion apart from anger 

Deals with problems using violence and/or aggression

Competitive and always has to win

Can’t show any weakness and doesn’t depend on anyone

Avoids doing anything considered ‘feminine’

Sometimes, may even make inappropriate sexual or derogatory comments toward women

Truth be told, toxic masculinity is both self-destructive and socially destructive, but society keeps encouraging those same destructive behaviors from men.

Ways Society Encourages Toxic Masculinity

It’s damaging to assume there is only one way of being a man — that only leads to having an unhealthy relationship with oneself and with others. Yet, as boys become men, they tend to hear: 

1. ‘’Real men don’t cry.”

Boys are often told this phrase from a young age, often by their fathers or other male members of the family. The end result? Emotional repression. This frequently leads to outbursts, whether as violence directed at others or self-harm. And that’s not to mention the damaging effects on mental health — 1 in 8 men have mental health issues, but many hesitate to reach out for help.

2. “Suck it up.”

Not being able to express one’s emotions creates an internal pressure cooker, and can result in problems like anxiety, depression, and elevated suicide rates. In fact, men are 3.5 times more likely to die by suicide than women. 

3. “Stop being a wimp.” 

Men experience a real fear of appearing soft and tender. These qualities are usually associated with being weak and not manly. And for a long time — even still to this day in some places — “not manly” was often associated with being gay. 

While views about the LGBTQ community have rightly changed for the good, homophobic comments grounded in the idea of being sensitive make it harder for some men to express their identity, and so they end up feeling uncomfortable with who they truly are.

4. “Boys will be boys.” 

Well, what a great excuse for this crappy type of behavior. The “lad culture” that encourages toxic masculinity tends to devalue women’s bodies and opinions. It creates unbalanced relationships and unhealthy approaches to sex. As a result, domestic abuse rates are at an all-time high. 

Let’s be clear, it’s not just women who are victims of domestic abuse, men are too. But according to the charity Women’s Aid, “women experience higher rates of repeated victimization and are much more likely to be seriously hurt or killed” than males. The idea that problems should be dealt with using violence poses risks to women in relationships with toxic men.

Why Sensitivity is the Antidote We Need

It’s time to redefine masculinity. Sensitivity in men is very rarely encouraged, but it’s time that changed. As a man, you should be able to feel vulnerable and sensitive without feeling weak and inferior. You should be able to enjoy activities like baking and cooking without worrying that they are too girly. 

And that’s where sensitive men come in. 

20 percent of the male population are highly sensitive. And most other men are capable of a deep sensitivity, if they allow themselves to bring it out. Men who embrace their sensitive sides have healthier relationships with others and themselves. They take the time to listen and cultivate deeper friendships. They talk more freely about their emotions and experiences. 

That is pretty damn brave if you ask me.

Here are a few ways sensitive men can help teach the world that “sensitive” means “strong.”

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4 Ways Men Can Embrace Their Sensitive Side

1. Release and express emotions.

Real. Men. Have. Feelings. There, I said it. Men feel pain, anxiety, joy, and fear just like any other human being. You shouldn’t have to bottle up your emotions when you are feeling crappy. You can cry. You can talk. You can go to therapy. If you need help, ask. You don’t have to do it all on your own.

Don’t suffer in silence. You’re doing yourself (and others) more harm than good. There are much healthier ways of expressing your feelings than violent outbursts. 

2. Own your interests, even if they’re “non-traditional.”

Not every guy is into football, cars, and weight lifting. (And if you are, then that’s perfectly fine.) Some men also enjoy cooking, dancing, singing, and baking. These activities are often associated with femininity, but they shouldn’t be.

Forget about what you should like to do as a man, and own what you enjoy. Not doing what you love just because you are afraid it’s considered too girly means you risk losing part of your identity in the process.

3. Foster healthy relationships.

Treating others with respect is just basic manners, and this goes double for romantic relationships. It’s important to cultivate a healthy approach to sex. The idea that all men want sex and should be ready for it 24/7 is absurd. 

You can say no when you want to. It won’t make you any less of a man. And being sexually aggressive (without the other person’s consent) is not justifiable. Women and men aren’t sex objects and you shouldn’t be treating them as so. Learn to treat them as equals. (P.S: Laughing at rape jokes is also really not cool or funny.)

4. Forget about a perfect physique.

Men feel the pressure to have that perfect muscular body, thinking that it makes them manlier. Arnold Schwarzenegger in his heyday comes to mind: “I must be the strongest, fittest, most competitive…” 

More times than not, the superhero in a movie is usually broad and muscular. Images like that and others we see on a daily basis help fuel unrealistic physical ideals and body image problems. Being thinner or heavier should not make you less of a man. Can we all just embrace our differences, please and thank you?

The world has started clueing into the problem of toxic masculinity, and I hope that sensitivity can provide a way forward. You don’t have to conform to society’s ideas of being a man. Be you. There is no ‘’right’’ way to be a man. Sensitive isn’t weak — it’s strong and daring and bold. It’s manly as hell. 

You might like:

5 Truths I Struggled to Learn as a Highly Sensitive Man

The World Needs Sensitive Men More Than Ever

7 Keys to a Happy, Thriving Marriage with a Highly Sensitive Person

The post Sensitive Men Are the Antidote to Toxic Masculinity appeared first on Highly Sensitive Refuge.

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#Empaths #Introverts #Highly Sensitive People #Tips #INFJ #INTJ #INFP #INTP #HSP

[jamiebluewind]

Fantasy High Theory: Fabian has an eating disorder

TW: eating disorder symptoms, anorexia symptoms, abuse mention, death mention, violence mention, gun mention, alcohol mention, drug mention, trauma mention, smoking mention,...

Word Count: about 2100

I know this is a big assumption to make with what we have, but I couldn't ignore all the data and the warning signs. In fact, I think that even if Fabian does not have an eating disorder at this time, he's certainly at risk for one and needs the issues addressed before it gets worse.

Before I get into it, let me remind everyone that I am about to talk about a very heavy subject. Remember, stay safe and consider the warnings before you continue. You can always message me for a summary of the red flags or for an edited version if you need it. I would rather you be safe than to have you're like on my theory.

Okay? Okay. Let's start by defining a few things.

Eating Disorder: Any of a range of psychological disorders in which people experience severe disturbances in their eating behaviors and related thoughts/emotions. People with eating disorders typically become pre-occupied with food and/or their body weight/shape.

ARFID: Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder is an eating disorder characterized by eating very little food and/or avoiding eating certain foods. It does not include having a distorted body image (as occurs in anorexia nervosa) or being preoccupied with body image (as occurs in bulimia nervosa). People with avoidant/restrictive food intake may not eat because they lose interest in eating or because they think eating has harmful consequences. They may avoid certain foods because of their color, consistency, or odor. When it becomes more severe, it can cause substantial weight loss, slower-than-expected growth in children, difficulty participating in normal social activities, and sometimes life-threatening nutritional deficiencies.

Anorexia nervosa: Diagnosed when patient BMI (body mass index which is a rule of thumb measuring body size vs mass) is low for their age and height. Severity is classified as mild (BMI of greater than 17), moderate (BMI of 16–16.99), severe (BMI of 15–15.99), or extreme (BMI of less than 15). Hallmarks of anorexia include limited food intake, excessive monitoring of the calorie and fat content of food, fear of being “fat”, problems with body image, denial of low body weight, excessive exercise, food rituals, cold intolerance, mood swings, sleeping issues, chronic fatigue, distorted body image, and many more. Eventually, the body goes into starvation which cause a lot of bad symptoms.

Atypical anorexia nervosa: All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except the individual's weight is within or above the normal range.

Again, ANY BMI can still mean a person has an eating disorder. It is NOT confined to those that are underweight. The BMI is only there as a red flag and to help classify severity of anorexia. I want to make this very clear, not just for my theory, but for the people reading this who recognize parts of it in themselves or others. I'm about to give an example that gets... personal in order to show that people who don't fit the stereotype of being underweight can still have an eating disorder. How personal? My own.

I am overweight to obese (depending on the doctor and the range). I don't exercise much. I eat pretty well around friends. But I have an eating disorder. I just... don't get hungry most of the time, so I forget to eat a lot more often than is healthy. A LOT more. I've been to the hospital a few times due to dehydration. I've collapsed because I literally forgot to eat for two or three days. I could have died at one point because despite being overweight, I was eating so little that things just... stopped working. Again, I was overweight. People and doctors thought I was just lazy. I was told to eat less and exercise more. Even my blood tests came back fine until one day, they didn't. And even then, nobody listened. Somebody doesn't have to look how you expect them to in order to have a problem. Also, don't be afraid to reach out for help if you feel like some of this hits close to home or someone you know is showing symptoms. It's okay to need help.

So remember, eating disorders can affect anybody with any body. The important thing is to be kind, supportive, and encourage professional help such as cognitive therapy.

****

Now to list Fabian's risk factors (I only listed the ones I believe he has)

Dysfunction family: This is a big risk factor for Fabian. His father is chaotic evil and (despite loving his son) puts massive pressure on him and tries to make him conform to his ideal for most of Fabian's life. Fabian has seen his father abuse his crew and snap at the drop of a hat. His mother has been a heavy alcoholic and mostly absent his entire first 16 years and when she gets off alcohol, she puts an extreme amount of pressure on him herself.

Abuse: This is another big one. His parents have been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, neglectful in a variety of ways, controlling, manipulative, isolating, and his mother rested his food intake. He could have also been physically abused in the guise of sparing.

Genetics: Fabian's mother is very slim. Using images of weights and comparing it to her shape, she in fact fits the underweight shape which may or may not imply a genetic component depending on if the normal body shapes are different for high elves or not.

Exposure to warped body ideals and weight stigma: Exposure to "body ideals" in places like the media (especially if at a young age) can increase body dysfunction and eating disorder risk. Weight stigma can make this worse due to discrimination and stereotyping based on a person’s weight. Fabian has actually been exposed to this a lot due to his father and the crew. He's a kid around very strong muscular people and he feels pushed to get stronger to live up to his dad. It's also very easy to imagine that crew members who were not strong or active enough got a very bad reaction from his father, which would reinforce the ideal. Some of this is conjecture, but it's not so far outside the realm of possibility to be impossible.

Participation in sports: He's on the Bloodrush team and is a fencer.

Pressure to have a certain body shape from family: I think this risk factor is there too, especially when his mother takes over training.

Bullying/Teasing: Fabian was actually bullied by peers when he first starts school, but I believe his parents were bullying him long before that.

Trauma and PTSD: Oh boy, is this solid. He was most likely traumitized by his parents before high school. He saw two new friends die the first day of school and nearly died himself, only saved by Riz. He watched two teachers die by gunshot right in front of him (and a staff member killed by bludgeoning). Fabian mentions having nightmares about Riz killing Daybreak which might have been due to it being via gunshot. He was forced to kill people due to the situation he found himself in. The person who was supposed to have been helping them the entire time (Biz) turned out to be an evil dude who trapped one friend in a palimpsest and wanted to capture another. He was stuck in jail for weeks! His family was attacked, his home was damaged, and his dad died (and by his hand no less). He and his friends almost died to a dragon. That's a LOT of trauma for a kid to try to process and Jawbone mentioned that he never came to visit him, so he probably dealt with a lot of it on his own.

Low self-esteem: This is unfortunately something else he has. Despite all the bravado, he doesn't know how to be a friend or have people like him for who he is (instead of who his parents are or how much money he has). He tries to put up a cool front, but he judges himself very harshly.

Perfectionism. One of the strongest risk factors for an eating disorder is perfectionism, especially self-oriented perfectionism, which involves setting unrealistically high expectations for oneself. If they fail to meet their high expectations, the person becomes very self-critical. Fabian has this type of perfectionism.

History of an anxiety disorder: This one is reaching, but possible. People often show signs of an anxiety disorder (generalized anxiety, social phobia, OCD,...) before the onset of an eating disorder and Fabian stays on edge a lot, worries excessively, puts up a front, and deals with nightmares.

Substance abuse: Fabian has had alcohol and drugs before the age of 16, his parents almost encouraging it. He smokes regularly. Addiction runs in his family as well with his mother being an alcoholic and his father doing multiple drugs. Neither parent even hides the fact that they take drugs and drink alcohol to excess, the crew probably took drugs and got drunk in front of a young Fabian, and Bill offered drugs to his friends upon meeting them.

History of using weight-controling methods and dieting: Fabian exercises a great deal. He skips meals. He has a limited number of things he will eat. There is a lot of evidence to back this up.

Limited social networks: This was a HUGE issue before high school. Fabian was very isolated. He had no friends, limited social activities, and lacked proper social support. Recently, he's been skipping class exclusively which on top of smoking a lot, puts distance between him and other people.

Long story short? Our boy is at risk. Big time.

****

List of common signs of eating disorders (including anorexia)

Limited food intake: Seen when he has mostly protein smoothies, his mother tries to give him limited rations, and when he refuses to eat with his friends more and more as the series goes on. The first incident of it was in Cool Kids, Cold Case where Fabian refused the food he was offered on two separate occasions, passing it to Riz both times. Once was after the battle with Daybreak and being stuck at the police station a good while. The other was when the teens were hanging out at Riz's appartment when Sklonda got takeout. Fabian's mom also makes him earn food as seen in the live show. This mentality could have very well been internalized, even with Cathilda there to try and give him more.

Excessive monitoring of the calorie and fat content of food: He worries about empty calories, how fattening something is, and removed the cheese from a slice of pizza and dabbed the oil

Fear of being “fat” or in a shape that is not the ideal: In episode 1 of season 2, he is very preoccupied with staying trim and tight.

Excessive exercise: He exercises who knows how long every morning plus for Bloodrush plus the times outside of that

Food rituals: This is interacting with food a certain way (like small bites or how it's prepared) which causes anxiety when not followed. The pizza event might be one, but it's hard to say without a pattern.

Sleeping issues: Fabian has issues with sleeping, dreaming, and nightmares. His father confirmed this and he himself mentioned his nightmares.

Weight loss: By comparing his previous official artwork with his new official artwork, it's easy to see that Fabian looks visibly thinner. He's also VERY cut. (very defined muscles requiring very little fat) for his age. He was muscular last year sure, but his chest and abs are much more defined this year. Being that cut means that despite how muscular Fabian is, he has been eating less and probably doing fat burning exercises, getting a lot of his nutrition from multivitamins and whey, and would have less energy than normal.

Negative energy balance/chronic fatigue: This is only a possibility, but it deserves being mentioned. If this is going on, it puts a spin on some of Fabian's other actions in season 2, episode 1. He showed up late on move in day and didn't really move anything (just carried a book), which might have been a character thing, but could have also been because Fabian is running on empty and capable of things like adrenaline fueled busts of energy, but otherwise dealing with low energy and fatigue.

Also, Fabian is smoking now which works as an appetite suppressant as is common among those with eating disorders.

(Signs with no evidence as of this post: problems with body image, denial of low body weight, cold intolerance, mood swings)

~*~*~*~*~*~

TLDR: Fabian is showing a lot of symptoms of an eating disorder and also over a dozen risk factors. The number of both is substantial enough to see a pattern. Enough that I sincerely hope that it's acknowledged during the season because if Fabian does not have an eating disorder, he is at substantial risk of developing one.

PS: I know it's data heavy, I might have missed a few things, and it could be totally wrong, but I seen enough there that I thought it might make for a solid theory. D20 is no stranger to heavy subjects and I think if they do cover it, they will do a good job (as always). If they don't, I still learned a lot making this theory and maybe a few of you will as well. ^_^

#fantasy high #fabian seacaster #d20 theory #dimension 20 #d20 #theory #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw anxiety mention #tw abuse mention #tw violence mention #tw trauma mention #fantasy high spoilers #tinfoil time

[nerdygaymormon]

Hey David! I was hoping you could help me make a decision? Recently we found out that my grandmother has about a year before total heart failure, which was really hard on my mom. We live in the same town, so we've started visiting a lot more. I came out to my parents this summer, and I guess going to her house so often has made me think about it, but I'm wondering if I wanna come out to her before, I can't? I've gotten pretty good at just bringing it up when the conversation comes to it (1/?) 🧡

🧡 and it might end up happening this thanksgiving, which I'm okay with, but I've been wondering if I want to go out of my way to come out if it doesn't just happen. I guess I'm hesitating because she's super Mormon, and she raised my mom, who didn't react well when I came out, and I figure if I don't then I can just pretend she would've accepted me, and I figure she'll know everything once she's in heaven, right? But I don't wanna miss the opportunity to tell her myself (2/3) 🧡

🧡 (3/3) and I guess one last thing is that my younger cousin and I recently came out to each other, she's bi and I'm a lesbian, and I know she was planning on telling our grandparents before the announcement happened, so if she does it at Thanksgiving or really anytime I'm there I'm going to support her and come out to, especially if our really conservative cousin says something. I'm just wondering if I should take the initiative? Thanks for listening. 💕💕💕

———————————————————————

On the one hand, this is an important part of you and you would want the people who love you to know. 

On the other hand, if you’re nervous about how she’ll respond, especially if she has a weak heart, I can see not causing her trouble in her final few months. 

________

I never told my grandparents before they passed away. I don’t actually regret that. I didn’t live near them, but as they neared the end of their lives I made an effort to see them each of those final few years. I loved them but they didn’t actually know a lot about my life. 

They had strong opinions about homosexuality and I had seen them react very negatively at hearing someone else was gay. 

I believe if I’d told them I’m gay, it would cause them a lot of anxiety & worry and likely would’ve disrupted my relationship with them at a time I was trying to get to know them before they were gone from this life. 

There’s other things I wouldn’t have told them, like if I’d stopped being active in church or had had gotten a tattoo. We didn’t have the kind of relationship where they’d need to know those things. I think overcoming the attitudes one has gets more difficult later in life. 

However, I would have great remorse if I hadn’t told my parents. They’re the ones I want to speak with for advice, they’re the ones who want to know about what’s going on in my life. 

  ________

I know your relationship with your grandma is not the same as mine. You live in the same town so she’s been much more of a figure in your life. I hoped by sharing why I didn’t, it gives some context that could help you decide what you want to do. 

Think about the nature of the relationship you have with your grandma, the extent that she’s involved in your life, and how much you’re involved in her life. 

How accepting might she be just based on her attitude towards various other social issues or based on your relationship with her? 

If it disrupts your relationship or changes how she views you, is there enough time for her to grow to understand and accept things as they are? 

 ________

Thanksgiving is a time when family is gathered, so I can see why your cousin views that as the opportunity to come out. Maybe both of you decide this is the time to tell your extended family, that’s okay (although my recommendation is not to do it over Thanksgiving dinner, because that doesn’t seem like the time to have a heartfelt discussion about something so personal, but that’s just me). 

If you tell the extended family and grandma is there, or she hears about it from them, then that’s how it goes. 

You have a lot to think about, and so does your younger cousin. I hope you’re both greeted with nothing but love and affirmation.

Good luck to you!

[mrepstein]

The Guardian Review (The Guardian - December 18, 1998)

‘The secret life of the real fifth Beatle’ by Jon Savage

'No one else had the flair, the panache, the wit that Brian had,' says Paul McCartney. So why did he die miserably and alone? 

Jon Savage describes how Brian Epstein fell victim to drugs and the pressures of being a secret homosexual 

From the day that he first experienced the Beatles at Liverpool's Cavern - "a vast, engulfing sound" - Brian Epstein devoted his life to their success and well-being. "He just had this vision," says Alistair Taylor, with whom Epstein made that lunch-time visit on December 9 1961. "Within half an hour, he wanted to manage them. He could see what they could become." 

From that meeting came a cultural and social revolution. The Beatles changed everything and Epstein was the architect of that change. The statistics are staggering. By the end of December 1963, Epstein's acts - the Beatles, Gerry and the Pacemakers, Billy J Kramer - had spent more than 30 weeks at number one in the 1963 UK charts; four months later, the Beatles held the top five places in the US top 40 - a hitherto unthinkable feat, and a coup not repeated since. 

You'd have thought that managing the biggest group in the world would be enough - Elvis's manager, Colonel Tom Parker, couldn't believe that the Beatles' manager had more than the one act - but, during the next three years, Epstein continued to manage the enduringly popular Pacemakers and Cilla Black; he expanded NEMS (North End Music Stores, the Epstein family firm) into dozens of companies; he managed the bullfighter Henry Higgins; he produced the West End premiere of James Baldwin's Amen Corner; he ran a West End theatre, the Saville, which showcased Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard, the Four Tops and a wide range of rock and soul talent. 

For all this achievement, history has not been kind to Brian Epstein. As a result of his premature death in August 1967, people regard him as a prime example of that old adage - "money can't buy you happiness". When his homosexuality became public after John Lennon's excoriating, 1971 Rolling Stone interview - the gloves came off. Subsequent accounts - most notably in Albert Goldman's book, Lives Of John Lennon - promoted ideas that have stuck; that Epstein was lousy at business, dominated by the Beatles, sad. Even Joe Orton had a pop in his diaries: "A thoroughly weak, flaccid type." 

Yet, as ever, you have to consider who is doing the telling. Epstein rejected Orton's Up Against It script for a possible Beatles film, and Goldman's source for some of his factoids was Nicky Byrne, who was in litigation with Epstein for two years. The problem for anyone rash enough to approach the Beatles' story yet again - no matter at how oblique an angle - is that the myth has become so encrusted with assertion and counter-assertion that when you couch it in book form you have a problem of who to believe that is library-sized. 

So, in making The Brian Epstein Story for Arena, director Anthony Wall and I decided to forget about all the books except Epstein's own A Cellarful Of Noise, published at the height of Beatlemania in August 1964. We didn't want theory; we wanted to talk to people who had been there, who had known Epstein. Because, for all the media fuss surrounding the Beatles, their manager has emerged as little more than a cipher in their story - yet his was a central role: as Paul McCartney says, "If anyone was the fifth Beatle, it was Brian, you know."

Our first port of call was Epstein's ghostwriter on A Cellarful Of Noise, Derek Taylor, who, despite his grave illness, received us with perfect grace. Taylor had been through the full white light madness of the Beatles' August 1964 US tour as their press officer; his own writings contain the most incisive accounts of the Beatles and their myth. "Brian was undoubtedly very impressive," he remembered, "A very soft appearance. He didn't look as though he did any exercise, but then a lot of people didn't then. I certainly didn't, and I was very thin. Cigarette smoking. So was he, nervy. Very well dressed, very good suit, lovely shirt: these were what made people different. The detail. 

"It is extraordinary that he could be almost immediately acceptable to those four. The only way it could have worked is if it was absolutely right. It was on, in other words. It's no good pretending it works if it doesn't. But thinking big: that's what bound Brian and the boys together. They all did think big. When he signed them up in that office in Whitechapel he told them: "I think I could help you." He actually believed he could, and he was prepared to sit it out with them, with all their cheek and impudence. In a way they had a lot in common: just the vernacular was different." 

To Epstein, the Beatles arrived as the answer to a question that had been gnawing at him for his whole life. Born on September 19, 1934, he was the eldest child of a prospering merchant family. Brian was mercurial, obsessive, and stubborn in pursuing his own path. His school days were disrupted by war and anti-semitism. His ambition to be a dress designer crumbled under family pressure. His dissatisfaction led him to an unsuccessful stint with RADA; his national service had ended prematurely with his discharge on "medical grounds". 

By 1961 he was making a success of the family business, but was, by his own account, "a little listless and bored". The shadow here, which could not have been admitted when A Cellarful Of Noise was published, was his sexuality. Taylor explains: "He wouldn't have had anything in there that implied or hinted at homosexuality, because of the danger of jail after the Lord Montague thing (a prominent gay scandal in which three men were jailed in March 1954), which was a frightening, horrible witch-hunt only 10 years before. But he told me this after only a morning: and how well did he know me? Not well, but a bit. It was a risk." 

It’s easy to forget now - when, despite pockets of resistance, there is greater public tolerance - just how off the map homosexuals were in the fifties and early sixties. Epstein's own thoughts on his life are contained in a document written for his then solicitor in the late fifties, notes for a defence against a charge of importuning: "I believed that my own willpower was the best thing with which to overcome my homosexuality. And I believe my life may become contented and I may even have attained a public success. I was determined to win through the horrors of this world. I have always felt deeply for the persecuted: for the Jews, the coloured people, for the old and society's misfits." 

The truism is that Epstein's interest in the Beatles was fuelled by sexual attraction, and this may well be the case. A persistent rumour which can be neither proved nor disproved (as both parties are now dead), is that he had an encounter with John Lennon while on a spring 1963 holiday together in Barcelona, as imagined in the film The Life And Times.* Yet this is an essentialist argument: even if Epstein did feel a sexual pull, it could easily have been transmuted into the care with which he managed the group. Not every sexual desire has to be physically acted upon. 

There was another element in their mutual bonding: for the first time in his life, Epstein felt as though he belonged. "A lot of stress has been laid on Brian fancying John Lennon," says pop manager Simon Napier-Bell, who encountered Epstein at the end of his life; "But I think it was far more being a loner and suddenly finding he was part of a group. I think that was much more what he was interested in, and that brought him into a broader group again than the Beatles." 

According to McCartney, this theatricality was the key: "We had been playing together a little while and we were starting to feel that we were getting good. But we needed someone to push us and give us a few clues as to how we might go further. It became obvious that Brian was that person. He had a theatrical flair, having gone to RADA. He knew a lot of people. He was a great networker, so it became clear he would be very good for you. It is always very helpful having someone theatrical out front; there's got to be someone out there who says: 'That was really good" or 'When you moved over, they lost you. Don't do that next time.' It's a director: that's really what he was." 

When the Beatles hit in the way that Epstein had predicted in 1962 - "One day they will be greater than Presley" - his showbusiness connections worked conclusively in their favour. Part of a London circle that included Lionel Bart and Alma Cogan, Epstein picked Alun Owen - well known for the play No Trams To Lime Street - to write the script for A Hard Day's Night, an inspiration for a whole generation of rock groups and still one of the best pop films ever. But then Epstein was already on record as saying that he thought pop music was an "art form", and he totally supported the Beatles' instinctive attempts to make it so - that empathetic quality which makes him the doyen of pop managers to the present day. 

By the time it was becoming absolutely clear that the Beatles were like no other pop group, success had brought the problems of over-expansion. "He found it impossible to delegate all the time that I knew him," says Taylor. With this increasing pressure came crippling anxiety: as Epstein states in A Cellarful Of Noise, "When a disc goes badly or a business venture fails, I am the one that suffers most, for I hold myself responsible. It isn't the money that worries me; it's the failure." 

"Brian was obsessed with controlling a situation," says his US attorney and close friend Nat Weiss, who met him in summer 1964. "Anything done outside his area of control brought a tirade of abuse. I think the image of Brian as a sort of very soft, sensitive person is not the case. He was very strong-willed. I remember one occasion when John Lennon refused to do an interview during a tour and Brian went nose to nose with him. He took his tie and said: 'John you're soft', and stared him down. And John backed away."

In the run-up to a famous death, it is possible to see signs of impending doom everywhere. Yet in Epstein's case, the storyline is finely balanced right up until the final act. "Brian was a man of many moods," says Weiss. "He was a very multi-faceted person. With the advantage of looking back 30 years now, I would say that he certainly had all the symptoms of someone who was manic depressive." This emotional roller-coaster was slowly exacerbated by the use of prescription and illegal drugs: principally amphetamines and barbiturates, doled out by doctors ignorant of or careless about their dangers. 

By late 1966, several factors had put Epstein into a downward spiral. The Beatles were maturing and, after their decision to stop touring, had far less need of protection. The Seltaeb Beatles merchandising deal had gone horribly wrong and was dragging through the courts. His close friend Alma Cogan had died of cancer in October. And Epstein's one personal relationship, with a young bisexual called Dizz Gillespie, had ended in robbery and blackmail. "He began to feel like a liberated person but he was never able to sustain a long-term relationship," says Weiss. "He'd become depressed by the fact that he'd believe it was not him they wanted, but who he was." 

Despite a suicide attempt in autumn 1966, Epstein remained positive and forward-looking. His musical interests were still acute: he boosted the Who, Cream, and Jimi Hendrix to Murray the K (a New York DJ) in early 1967, when all three were little known in the US. Friends disagree about its effect, but there is a case for saying that he found LSD - which he publicly admitted taking in June 1967 - beneficial. He was worried whether the Beatles would re-sign with him when his contract came up in September 1967 but, according to McCartney, "there was no question in our minds that we would stay with Brian. We didn't want another manager." 

Epstein died alone in his bedroom at Chapel Street, Mayfair, on August 27, 1967, one month after the Sexual Offences Act partially decriminalised homosexuality, and one month after the death of his father, Harry. There is no reason to doubt the verdict of the inquest: "poisoning by Carbrital, caused by an incautious self-overdose". Little was known about the dangers of prescription drugs at that time: indeed, Epstein's is the forerunner of all those sixties drug deaths - when the limits of freedom were finally tested. It was a ghastly accident, the effects of which were immediate. 

"It was a great loss to us and I know it really frightened us," says McCartney. "John got particularly frightened. I think he thought, 'Right, this is it. This is the end of the Beatles', and it kind of was. Brian's death opened the floodgates. It gave other people the possibility to come in, whereas before there had been no possibility. I think one or two of the other guys got quite enamoured with Allan Klein, but I never liked the idea, partly because I'd seen how Brian did it and no one else was going to stack up against Brian in my mind. No one would ever be able to do it as good because you couldn't have the flair, the panache, the wit, the intelligence that Brian had. They would just merely be money managers. Brian was far more than that."

* The Hours and Times

#Brian Epstein #Jon Savage #The Guardian #1998 #90s #newspaper

[remslifestyle-blog]

When The Day My Family Completed Me

My life was neither perfect nor exciting because it was all complicated since I was born on September 7, 2001. I grew up with my aunt in Bicol until she took me in Manila 12 years ago. I am just simple, responsible and very dedicated in my studies because it is the only way for me to thank my mama and uncle for their sacrifices. Also, they wanted me to graduate in College because it is their only dream for me. They're helping me to learn a lot in life and to grow individually. They never stopped to teach me a lesson and still would guide me towards success. For now, the only thing I could do to make them happy is to excel in my class and to have a good grade. I am contented and striving to do better every time I see their smiles and their eyes gleaming with pride. I graduated in junior high school and senior high school with honors and currently I am studying at National Teacher's College, Bachelor of Secondary Education major in Social Studies. I chose this program not only for the sake of passion but also for myself. I will use it to overcome my anxieties and also to take risk because in the past years, I never tried to risk and try new things since I am afraid of judgement of other people. I love to sing even my voice don't cooperate with the notes. Music makes me happy and it helps relieve my stress. K- pop motivates me to be hard working because they were all dedicated to their passion and reading stories made me inspired to love. I am not friendly like my friends because I am too shy to socialize with others. I have anxieties to control every day and I have to be strong for me to survive.

My mother told me that my biological parents abandoned me after she gave birth. She didn't want to accept the fact that my brother died with dengue at a young age. She forgot to take care of me because she is busy on mourning. She never helped herself to move on that is why she got sick and isolated herself. My biological father decided to move forward and have his own family. He is my mother's sibling and I already met my little brother. My mother told me every details she knew because she doesn't want to lie and see me become rebelling after that or to put all the blame on them without knowing the truth behind those stories. I have always reminded myself that God has a purpose why the incidents happened because if it is not then, I am not here right now. My mother has been filling my broken heart with so much love and care until she introduced her husband who also helped me to fix myself. They don't have a child that is why both of them were more focused on me. They love me like their own.I am so grateful because not all the people are lucky to meet people like them. I called aunt, "mama" because I used to call her like that since then, but in my uncle's case I am too shy to call him "papa" since I don't know how to approach him if ever.

Everything seemed normal but the struggle we had been through which tested our strong bond was three years ago, when my uncle was diagnosed with Pneumonia. It was very hard for me and for my mother because he is the one who is providing our needs. Before it happens, he was strong and hard working. He is responsible and dedicated on his work. He is very kind and thoughtful especially on his family. He is really fun to be with and his jokes can make you laugh every time. He can be smart on his own and he is a short-tempered person because he hates to wait for too long. I idolized him in singing and dancing. He is the best person I have ever met. He treasures me like I am fragile precious stone that could be broken If anyone dares to hurt me. But everyday, as I observe him I could notice that his body was getting weaker. I thought it was going to be fine but suddenly, it was the day when my life became devastated and miserable.

I was in 10th grade when it happened. I didn't want to go to school because I wanted to help my mother in taking care of my uncle but she refused my decision. Every night , I could hear my mother crying in front of my uncle while he's sleeping. She is a very loving mother and a caring wife. I am the only witness who can prove how much they love each other. She may be fat but my father loves every curve she had. Sometimes, she gets mad easily but I salute her kindness and wit. That time, I saw a brave and strong woman. I just want to cry and burst out my frustrations but I also need to be strong for them. I will go to school even if I did not have enough allowance and when I went back home I preferred to walk.

When our school required us to experience OJT (on-the-job - training) within 240 hours, I am unfortunate to pass all the interviews by Petron that is why I looked for another option and my uncle suggested his company. His boss is kind and generous because he decided to let me work or train me for free but he decided to pay me according to my duty hours. I'm glad that he's very happy with my performance and I learned a lot from their company. I didn't expect that incident will happen before the classes started. We brought my uncle to the nearest hospital to check his condition but he is still okay that time but the time passes by, he said to us that he can no longer endure the pain. We seek help to his boss daughter who is willing to help for us. She's very kind and dedicated in his profession. She's thoughtful and smart. When she finally diagnosed my father, the result of the test didn't match on the first diagnosis. I worked while studying to help for my uncle's medicine. I'm very happy because my boss gladly welcomed me in his company

As time goes by, I could see that he is fighting. He really want us to see that he's strong enough to survive his illness. After two months, I could see that his strength already gain back. He could talk to us without negativities coming out on his mouth. He can smile without tears on his eyes. I'm very thankful to the doctor who has a big role to my uncle's struggle. She never left us from the very beginning. I could see the happiness in the eyes of my mother who suffered the most.

Currently my uncle is now back on his work. He survived and his total strength and determination on his eyes were now back. I never left him when his fight started and now he's really back I will never ever leave his side. I thought he could no longer survive but he did. He did his best to not disappoint us and God also did his best to help us with all his strength. He never failed our hopes and he really listen to my prayers because all of it got an answer. That was the most unforgettable triumph I've ever felt. It was fulfilling and relieving. All my achievements in my whole life could forgotten by myself. The only victory I want carried my worries away and when the day my family completed me.

#narrativeessay

[jordyjensen]

Some shit that either might be going down or i’m mad. Either way i’m creeped and intrigued at the same time.

Since at least 2013 I’ve been experiencing visitations by an entity known as the hatman.(The hatman is an entity known to cause night terrors and sleep paralysis, To me he appears as a tall man in a cloak and a stetson style hat. 

He is blacker than anything it’s like looking at a black hole. he has no features that I can see, just darkness that light cannot seem to penetrate). Most of the visitations consisted of repeated nightmares of the same locations, but where the conversations would be different. It would I would either be in what to me felt like a run down hospital, or an underground carpark, hospital stairwell kind of setting. Or in a dismal academia type of setting. It always felt dreary and uninviting. Like I just had to find my way out of there. Aware somehow, in the back of my mind- that the hat man was watching and waiting to corner me. And when he did, He would talk. I would hear him/feel his words in my head and my bones, But he never physically spoke. I could understand him but it never makes sense and I can never remember what it is he actually said. Its weird. There is this overwhelming sense of dread. Like nothing I’ve ever felt or encountered. Then theres the sleep paralysis. 

 I ignored itto begin with, As I had- at that moment in time been going through some turmoil in my life (abusive partner, drug addiction)- But he didn’t stop when I left that relationship, and it didn’t stop during subsequent ones either, It didn’t stop when I stopped drug use. Infact- it intensified, and people around me were starting to experience things too. Especially those people who at first had told me ‘’it’s all in your head’’  and ‘’Don’t worry, it’s not real- it’s just the drugs’’. They started seeing it too, I would see it while I was awake sometimes. That was the worst because I couldn’t just put it down to tiredness or being a nightmare anymore.  However, For the last I’d say about 3 years- His ‘’visits’’ have lessened. and in their place is another one (Or even the same one, but this time choosing to appear differently- I have no idea if it’s the same entity or another one...all I know is they don’t seem to be around at the same time- hence the conclusion they might possibly be the same entity). Anyway-

The second entity I am about to tell you about now, began making appearances around 3 years ago, Like the first entity- it started with unpleasant reoccurring dreams.

In the very first appearance I can remember- It seemed very early morning, around dawn, the sky was grey- and I became aware of a tapping at the door, I answered the door to find nothing, So puzzled- I stepped out onto the top step. Our house is situated on a hill and overlooking fields and valleys. It is a really pretty view from the front of the house. Anyway, Standing in the drive at the bottom of the stairs is a man. He’s dirty, dishevelled and the easiest way to describe his appearance is wild, birdlike. Almost native american in the way he’s decoraed with feathers and whatnot, But he has feathers growing out of his flesh. In the dream I asked him something along the lines of who are you? can I help you with something? I don’t remember anything he said, but I do remember him suddenly grabbing a hold of me and  taking off into the sky, like literally jumping on the spot but instead of coming back down, continuing up into the sky, the speed and air made my eyes sting and water and my stomach was feeling like it was about to fall out of my arse. Then for some reason were standing on a pylon, just overlooking the scenery for miles.  I remember nothing of what we talked about. I do remember asking his name and he brushed it off but I felt strognly it was connected to the letter ‘’M’’.  of course I brushed this of as a bizzaro dream and in honesty, was just happy to have a less scary dream than the ones i was used to with the hat man!. 

Now this is where things get odd, I notice when I wake up there is a big crow making a right racket outside the bedroom window. and it’s windy as FUCK.  Pretty soon I begin to notice lots of odd things, crows and ravens turning up all the time whether it be on tv, in magazines, books,  In these dreams Nothing particularly awful seemed to happen, it was more a sense of uncertainty or worry, The best way to describe this feeling is to think of being in this scenario: You’re a very anxious person, very socially awkward and you don’t have many friends or family, the only person you really see or talk to is your spouse, you have agoraphobia as a result of the social anxiety so don’t go out much...However, You find yourself in a nice quaint little seaside town- granted it’s the middle of winter, pissing it down with rain and always near dark. You struggle up a long, steep hill to a run down hotel/bar- everyone in there seems to look at you as if they know you and all of them beckoning you to join them and drink with them, but you become aware of your spouses sudden absence, S/he has everything, the house-keys, the money ect ect, and quite frankly you are like a frightened child w/o them....You are trying desperately to think where they might have gotten to, you rush around hoping to see them or someone you recognise but everyone is in your way or trying to engage you in conversation. Imagine that kind of feeling.

Anyway in the dreams, There is often a backdrop of said seafront, stormy seas, rocks, There is a narrow walk way leading down at the side where the sea goes off into sort of a stream down a hill, Just off the main promenade/road where all the little tea rooms and gift shops are located.

The hotel is OLLLLLD and completely in need of refurbishment, it’s falling apart, dirty brown net curtains that were obviously once white or cream, The rooms have peeling wallpaper, ancient furniture, they look like they were decorated in the 60′s but never maintained. 

The streets are very narrow and the buildings are tall, old-fashioned English seaside style buildings (in the dreams, Not where I live-there is  no sea or sand around my gaff) Also- I haven’t mentioned this, as not sure if it’s important/relevant to the happenings since I’ve read other peoples similar accounts and they are living allll over the globe, but just in case it has any relevance I live in England, Yorkshire if you want to be  really precise)

In the first dreams, I would become aware of a crow or raven that would always be near by, it would always be crowing. In later dreams, it would be that I would feel compelled to open up one of the dirty, sash windows and there would be a crow perched directly on the opposite building on the window ledge, an it would always fly straight towards my window, sometimes I would hasten to close it before the bird can get in and it will peck and scratch at he glass all the while crowing it’s head off, In others i would be amused by the bird coming over and it would get inside the window, where it would fly around madly and fly at me (obviously this would always shit me the fuck up in the dream enough to actually wake me up in the real world)  

In Later dreams, he appears like the dishevelled man from the first dream, sitting down in chairs in what appears to be a crap little pub, the kind that you find in the arse end of nowhere (where its only usual customers are people similar in looks and personality to  Claude Greengrass off heartbeat and Shadrach off emmerdale) Its like he would be wanting me to join him but i’d always feel a sense of No man what the hell? You scare the living fuck out of me for no reason and then offer me a drink? No mate- think i’ll pass’’.  I would always immediatly wake up from these dreams, to find in reality, the big crow ever present outside, ever shouting away to himself day or night, rain,shine,snow or gale (though mostly gale i’ve noticed) (Over the last 3 years I’ve started to recognize and become familiar with this particular crows call and recognize it over other crows) It’s always super windy too, like gail force windy when that crow is about. Wether it be summer or winter. Midnight or lunchtime. 

Then by chance I heard mention of the valravn. And that then led me on to Malphas. I have the really strong pull towards the name Malphas. I think this could potentially be the (or at least one of) the entities I’m dealing with.

I don’t know why, I can’t think of a reason for it to be him as I’ve certainly not invoked any demons (at least not knowingly) Or even tried to. I’m not the sort of person who would have balls enough to go messing with things I don’t understand completely). 

I’ve today discovered other people who have had similar accounts of Malphas (and the hatman) and it is for these reasons I am somewhat open to the idea that these might not just be dreams. This shit might have actually gotten real. 

Recently Malphas has been pretty relentless, And the most recent dream was the most disturbing one yet. In this dream he appears, beckoning to me as usual, with a friendly ‘’It’s ok, i’m your friend’’ look. But getting closer I become aware he is surrounded by a massive group of crows/ravens all of them seemed to be attached to him at the waist by black cords that seemed to be made of a similar black matter that the hatman appears to be made of like a black,shadow like matter. The birds were flapping wildly to escape their bonds, screaming a hellish murder. all the while Malphas seemed to be loving every moment of it. I woke up again, to the crow outside screaming as per, with gale force winds rattling through the house. 

At this point i’m wondering what the deal is, what I’ve done to both anger this guy and cause him to relentlessly stalk my waking and sleeping lives.

Why did he even get involved in the first place? 

I might get answers in later days, or I might just get sicker until I die and my soul is claimed to an eternity of terror and torment. Who the fuck knows? Not fucking me!. 

#nightmares dreams demons #the hatman shadow peoplesleep paralysisghostsparanormalpossibleinsanityhauntingsghosts

[jmaria200]

American expectations

Americans traditionally expect that their lives will progressively get better, that where they currently are is just a stop along the way to more money, career success, recognition, and happiness.  This is part of the great “American dream” that has fueled the goals of so many people. And if someone doesn’t achieve these? Well, they must’ve been lazy, not worked hard in school, etc. But is this really how the world works or just what we’re told? Does the American dream apply to everyone? Or rather was it the White Man’s American dream all along? It’s this look at the flip side of the American dream that discredits it in my opinion.

I recently read a article entitled “The Grim Secret of Nordic Happiness” by Finnish writer Jukka Savolainen that caught my attention. Briefly the article discusses possible reasons why Nordic countries including Finland, Denmark, Iceland etc. often top the rankings of the annual World Happiness Report that measures each country’s overall happiness. The report relies on Gallup polls that ask participants to rank their best potential life based on an fictitious ladder where rungs are numbered 1 to 10. The higher the rung the better the life. Then they are asked to compare this potential happiness to where they currently stand on the ladder.  Given such a no frills definition of happiness, Savolainen surmises that it is no wonder his fellow country man and other Nordic people rank high on what he labels “average life expectation” (Savolainen). On objective measures of life Finland has very low poverty levels, top notch universal healthcare and education, and bountiful vacation and parental leave. In addition to this, the egalitarian nature of Scandinavian people is often traced to their Lutheran roots and Janteloven or the Law of Jante, a social code that dictates “ emphasis on collective accomplishments and well-being, and disdains focus on individual achievements.” (Scandinavia Standard). The idea of Janteloven found it’s beginnings in the works of author Askel Sandemose and his 1933 book A Fugitive Crosses His Tracks. In Sandemose’s work, the individuals of fictional town of Jante are expected to assimilate to the group.  The laws of Jante speak to people not thinking their are smarter, anything special, etc. Today this code is often reflected in the way the people of Scandinavian countries celebrate their strong social welfare systems as opposed to the individual achievements and celebrity of countries like the United States.

In the Eastern practice of Buddhism seeing oneself as interconnected with the world around one is seen as the more natural way of being.  When one let’s go of the “self” as a separate, isolated entity and comes to terms with the universality of human existence, one can feel less alone and more joy and desire to reach out to others.  Anger, greed, and delusion arise from over investment in the self, also known as the ego in Western psychology. Even small threats can make the self lash out in defense leading to conflict and pain.

I bring these examples up to highlight ways of considering human relations differently from Western culture, especially American culture.  I’ll focus specifically on American culture in this blog entry as I’m convinced that we are on a down slope and it is not a failure of individual striving, but a failure to be egalitarian, to understand our connections, and work for the greater good.  I’m not saying that we all need adopt Scandinavian culture or become Buddhist, but what if we were to embrace more modesty and let go of personal striving for the empty promises of materialism and instead put that money towards the greater social good. Yes, this country has wealth but much of it gets funneled into military spending on weapons, debt, and the pockets of a handful of the super rich.  I believe daily people get put through the shredder of this culture in the name of the American dream: long work hours or no work, a broken healthcare system that leaves millions uninsured, stagnant wages, excessive cost of living, etc. When it seems that one just being human is not enough to earn respect and a decent way of life there is something wrong. How does this happen? That is a complex question to answer, but I will attempt to address some of it here.

Fear and Anxiety

If there was any place to start with America’s woes I would say it is fear, or fear mixed with uncertainty also known as anxiety. Fear was useful for us as humans. It helps keep us alive and learning what is dangerous but when we become afraid and we don’t have enough information or the wrong kind of information, we become debilitated. People who are in a state of worry can be swayed to believe ideas without evidence or that contradicts reality because they’re world is being filtered through their worry. Anxiety causes people’s worlds to contract and creates distance from our fellow men and women and fosters a sense loneliness. Anxiety seeps into our culture in many ways. There is the worry of personal lacking generated by a continuous bombardment of messages convincing people they’re insecure and need the right hair shampoo, the right clothing, the right exercise equipment, and the list goes on. There is the anxiety of not being the right skin color, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc. There is the concern of being a victim of “the system” instead of being able to trust it. A culture where trust and connection have given way to mistrust and disconnection is not healthy culture.

Cultural Values

As individuals we each put greater importance on certain values. We also do this collectively including values of family, kindness, respect, financial success, materialism, modesty etc.  As Jukka Savolainen highlights in the article “The Grim Secret of Nordic Happiness” Finnish, as well as their fellow Scandinavians, often focus on modesty, sensibility, and egalitarianism while it’s is no secret Americans put more value on personal achievement, materialism, and financial success.  Values are not problematic in and of themselves. It is when people become personally attached and competitive that values in a culture can become unhealthy. Americans tend to believe that acquiring more the means to a satisfying life and that sacred word “happiness”. This is just not the case. Buddism, like many of the world’s religions, teaches that attachment to objects leads to suffering. We work long hours to have our big televisions, closets of cloths, and luxury vehicles, but we still feel empty and ready for the next “dose”. This effect is often called the hedonistic treadmill.  As mentioned int the previous paragraph, fear creates disconnection and increases self involvement. We can’t worry about the other person when we aren’t okay. This is communicated in our values as well. Civil service, community, and generosity get pushed aside for individual success, competition, and greed.

Intolerance

The tendencies for humans to divide into groups or tribes, into us and them, is part of human nature and it takes real effort to overcome these tendencies. As humans we seek easily distinguished patterns and categories that we use to identify someone as part of the in group. People in our group are people we know; we believe we can trust them.  Group selection helps to build communities churches, and national identities, however, the stronger in group identification leads to greater unity against other groups.  When we take more of a individualistic stance and work to understand our commonalities through education, communication, and exposure to those who are different can alleviate fears and build bridges between different groups. See they are just like us.  Religion, skin color, ethnicity all serve as markers of in groups and out groups. Group dynamics are exacerbated by stress often leading to expressions of racism, xenophobia, etc.  Such dynamics have had a strong presence in our culture since the founding of this country. The subordination of black men and women by enslavement was a part of this country’s foundation. States were admitted to the Union as either slave states or free states. Founding fathers Thomas Jefferson and George Washington espoused life and liberty for all but were both slave owners. Slavery was normalized in parts of this country until the adoption of the 13th amendment in December of 1865 and, despite this measure, the ideologies behind slavery and intolerance have cast a long shadow still present today. Intolerance is part of our culture. The first step would be to come to terms with this concept and discuss it openly in a way that is productive; but, facing our darker sides is painful and messy so people are more likely to look the other way or rationalize their bias in some way.

Leadership

One of the main reasons intolerance and fear remain strong in this country is that hateful, scared people more than often elect leaders who continue to propagate fear and hatred and greed as well. Recently leaders and their followers have tried to “make America great again” and “stop the fall of the Western world”. The basic problem is that great public leadership does not coincide with intolerance. In general leadership takes qualities of compassion, humility, and courage that such people often don’t exhibit. Also people who run on a platform of intolerance will most likely resist aiding the public at large as it would potentially benefit those they fear and hate. They might not even help the people who elected them. Consider the recent example of Donald Trump’s election and four years in office. He made promises he never kept like creating jobs, bullied people when they didn’t do what he wanted, and slandered people of various ethnic backgrounds, yet Congress members protected him and he was nearly re-elected. On the way out of office Trump helped orchestrate the January sixth insurrection. He convinced people to turn against their own government then left them to face the consequences. The Congressional leaders with ideologies similar to Trump continue such machinations in more subtle ways. They manipulate their supporters to some extent to stay in office while dragging down the ability of the United States government to effectively meet the needs of it’s people.

Many business leaders are culpable in this country’s current situation. They have helped fuel the culture war to hinder much needed much needed reform in oversight and regulation that allows them to advantage of loop holes in taxation, damaged the environment, and exploited workers with often legal but unethical business practices. Ill informed people being preyed upon by those in media and faith based organizations who are spreading misinformation and lies. Government is suppose to help balance to influence of negative capitalism and corporate influence, but this is near impossible when the government itself has been gridlocked.

Conclusion

Along the way I’ve mentioned potential solutions to these problems, but where we start is trust. Trust in each other. I’m not saying this will be easy. America is a nation that aspires for people of various cultures, backgrounds, and beliefs can live together peacefully.  It was dream of our founding fathers that their newly found country wasn’t ready for even back then, but my bet is they hoped it would be someday. Unfortunately, this has not been the way of human beings throughout history so far.  We unite against common enemies, but otherwise we tend to fight among ourselves.  But humans have and can evolve. Moral evolution is a big part of what has allowed us to survive.  At one time we were slaughtering other tribes and having world wars between countries. Today such things sound like fiction and with good reason.  In psychology human beings are seen as having three layers of personality: our traits, our beliefs, and our story. When these are in balance, a person can be more authentic and less conflicted. The same goes for our culture. When our traits, beliefs, and story as a culture fall into alignment we can be more authentic as a nation. Balance is key between opposing ideologies too. Those who believe strongly in individual rights and those who stand more with group identity can learn from each other. Corporate and government interests can balance each other out. Conservatives and liberals can learn from each other. It really just comes down to we have to trust each other enough to agree to this. The culture war in this country is similar to physical war in that each side must put down their weapons and start an honest discussion about what common goals they share rather than what divides them. Americans can leave behind chasing shallow expectations of big houses and big vacations and instead expect more important things like equal treatment, guaranteed health care, and fair wages. Then maybe we can be more content with our lives as they are like the Scandinavian countries and less attachments in the spirit of Buddism.