#don't even know why I've got that rule for myself when sometimes I feel as if I'm gonna vomit anyways from eating so much

[luxsky]

Acotar characters; "you're staring" "you're beautiful"

Summary: ACOTAR characters + Twitter trend "you're staring" "you're beautiful"

Warnings: Moderately inaccurate political economy information, I think that's it (let me know if I missed anything)

Author's Note: Okay, I had a lot of fun writing this, hope you enjoy!

Rhysand

Ruling a court comes with various responsibilities, including dealing with accounting. Deciding how much money goes into each aspect, where there will be investments or cuts, handling the demand for buying and selling prices, export profits, and import expenses – these are the matters a High Lord has to deal with.

And Rhysand hates it; he dislikes mathematics, numbers, and especially thinking about all the headaches that economics brings him. That's why, when we got married and he made me his High Lady to reign by his side, I volunteered to handle that part – the part he disliked but I enjoyed.

So, while Rhysand deals with the political aspects that don't interest me, I handle the ones that don't interest him. We often work together, despite having separate offices. We also have a shared one because, even though we sometimes prefer working alone, most of the time, we choose to work together, not only to spend time together but also to enjoy each other's company and deal with any situation requiring the other's opinion.

"I think we should invest more in the export of artistic materials," I say to him, standing on the plush rug in the office, papers scattered on the floor from where I was previously sitting. I've analyzed these two specific papers in my hands for several minutes, pacing back and forth until reaching this conclusion.

"Well, we could do that, but the demand would increase, and we'd have to invest in structures for mass production of materials," he murmurs in response, not lifting his head from his stack of papers, filled mostly with reports from spies and armies.

"Urgh, okay, let me look into that," I crouch down, sitting on my heels as I shuffle through the scattered papers on the floor, searching for specific ones.

I make a satisfied noise when I find what I need, also grabbing a pen and starting to scribble some calculations and values on a blank sheet. Information here, consequences there, trying to find the best way to expand the Night Court's export market.

Rhys's pen stops, and I glimpse a movement from the corner of my eye, but I'm too focused on what I'm writing. I search for another paper, Mother, I should start organizing myself better. I lean to reach it, using the values there to compare with the ones I noted down, another paper comes to my hand, and my head is filled with numbers, values, and variations.

At some point, my concentration begins to wane because I feel eyes piercing my side. Perhaps my partner is trying to hint that my murmurs are bothering him, or maybe he wants to say something and is waiting for the right moment.

I put the papers back on the floor and look at him. Contrary to what I imagined, he's leaning back in his chair, a smirk on his lips, and his arms crossed over his chest. He doesn't look away or say anything, so I make a face and go back to shuffling my papers, still feeling the burn of his gaze on me.

"Rhysand, love, you're staring," I murmur, starting to stack the papers I had spread all over the floor, attempting a fake organization. I hear the sound of his chair scraping on the floor, and I look up to see him in front of me, crouching to be at the same height as me.

The smile on his face grew. "You're beautiful, dear, especially when dealing with all this math," he murmurs, and his hands cup my cheeks, his thumb caressing my face.

"Well, someone has to do the hard work, don't they?" I reply playfully, mirroring his smile. Rhysand leans in, kissing my lips, then my nose, forehead, and finally my cheeks. He continues planting various kisses all over my face, and I'm laughing by the end when he pulls away, looking at me with a loving gaze.

My laughter slowly fades, but the smile remains on my face. "You're my clever and beautiful little thing, dear," he murmurs, planting a final, very slow kiss on my forehead.

Cassian

Waking up early is one of the things highlighted on my list of things I hate and prefer not to do. My routine has always been organized with the goal of waking up as late as possible without disrupting my responsibilities.

And this routine worked perfectly until Cassian and I started living together, and he decided that my routine was somewhat unhealthy, insisting that I should start the day with him. The problem is, my beloved partner has a bizarre predisposition to wake up very easily before the sun even thinks about rising. And he doesn't rest until he wakes me up too.

"Come on, babe, we still need to have breakfast before we start training," his voice muffled as my face is buried under two pillows and protected by a thick blanket. "If you don't get up soon, we'll be late."

"Cassian, how could we be late if the sun hasn't even woken up yet?" Irritation in my voice is palpable, but perhaps the pillows somehow contained that annoyance in their feathers because the Illyrian has the audacity to laugh, a loud laughter that comes from the depths of his chest.

Before I could curse him with every name I know, my blanket is abruptly pulled off my body. As I cling to the pillows, trying to prevent him from taking them away, I feel the mattress shifting and his weight being placed on me. Peeking under the pillow, his forearms are bracing on either side of my body, preventing his entire weight from resting on me. His wings are spread, and a few strands of his hair escape from the bun.

"Are you going to get up, or do I have to take these pillows away too?" His voice is pure amusement, and I'm sure he's wearing that typical smirk of his.

With a very dissatisfied sigh, I push the pillows up, removing them from my face. As I suspected, his smile is evident on his lips, Cassian's face hovering above mine, very close.

I make a face and poke his cheek with my finger. "You really have no fear of death, do you?" Despite my words, the irritation of being woken up so early is set aside for a moment. Cassian's face so close to mine erases any resentment I could have for him being a morning person.

"Not when it's this beautiful," his hand moves, pushing strands of hair away from my face, his features softening. His eyes travel across the expanse of my face, and he's so focused on tracing the contours of my cheeks with his finger that he doesn't realize he's been doing it for a few minutes.

"You're staring, General," I murmur, a playful smile forming on my lips as I see his eyes darken with the title used. His finger doesn't stop caressing my cheek, but his face descends a bit, his lips hovering a few inches from mine.

He whispers to me, his breath mixing with mine, "With a sight like this? You can't blame me." He doesn't wait a second after finishing the sentence to press our lips together, a warm and desire-filled kiss.

My hands grab his hair, and the bun easily unravels as I grip the strands, his mouth dancing over mine as our tongues connect and dance. When he breaks the kiss, it's only because we need to breathe, but he plants soft and quick kisses while stabilizing his breath, then descending and leaving a trail of wet kisses on my neck.

I bring his face up, looking into his eyes, the previous amusement replaced by lust. My arched eyebrow and mischievous smile draw his eyes back to my lips. Before he can kiss me again, I speak.

"I thought we were going to be late for training if I didn't get up soon." The amusement in my voice prompts an eye roll from him in response.

"Screw the training; my only commitment now is with your body." And his lips resume leaving trails of kisses, descending from my neck to my collarbone. Laughter escapes me as his wife reverberates throughout the room, Cassian focusing on kissing me everywhere.

Azriel

Azriel's lips passionately met mine, his hands gripping my waist, pulling me closer. I'm a complete mess; one of my hands supports me on his arm, while the other grabs his hair. My feet barely touch the ground, striving for height to reach his lips. His warm mouth against mine, our tongues entwining, he pulls back just enough to capture my lower lip between his teeth, causing delightful shivers.

His hand moves up to my neck; his thumb rests on my chin, tilting my face upward. His lips trail down, planting a kiss on my jaw and then on my neck. He lightly bites and kisses the spot that never fails to elicit sighs from me.

As he pulls away, I open my eyes, meeting his brown, sparkling eyes admiring my face. His hands cup my cheeks, a small smile playing on his lips. My lip throbs, feeling swollen, yet Azriel gazes at me with such devotion that all I can do is smile back, my heart racing as if it's the first time he's touched me this way. It isn't, but my body seems to forget that in the moment.

Azriel continues watching me, but my attention is momentarily diverted as a bright flash catches my peripheral vision. I turn my head, his hand moving from my cheek to hold mine as I observe stars falling from the sky. They start timidly, but as seconds pass, more appear, the sky glowing with the trails they leave behind.

I love this. I love the starfall, sharing the moment with my partner, and more than that, I love how he still hasn't taken his eyes off me, even though the brilliant sky is far more beautiful and interesting to watch.

"You're staring," I murmur, my eyes still fixed on the sky. Azriel wraps his arms around my shoulders from behind, his wings blocking the wind around us. He places a gentle kiss on the top of my head, then lowers his lips to my ear, whispering in response.

"You're so beautiful; it's hard not to look, my love." His voice in that tone is incredibly sensual, and the shadows dancing on my arms as I hold onto his bring a delightful sensation.

I don't respond with words; instead, I send all the love and warmth I can through the golden bond that connects us. My eyes remain fixed on the stars detaching from the sky above us, but I'm sure he's still trying to study any detail he hasn't memorized yet, even with our closeness.

Feyre

The sun warming my skin is a very welcome sensation, the fabric of the sheet that Feyre and I spread on the grass earlier is a bit disheveled, but I don't mind.

The comfortable silence we're in is filled with occasional sounds of pages turning in my book and the strokes Freyre makes on her canvas. I lie on my stomach, reading the new suspense novel my lovely partner gifted me a few days ago. The story is at a particularly tense point, a crucial revelation is imminent, and I can feel it.

This may have been one of the best ideas Feyre had in the last month. She was recently inspired to paint landscapes and planned an outdoor day. With all the shared love, she asked if I wanted to accompany her. We didn't go far, choosing a spot near the Sidra River. We arrived in the early afternoon and planned to stay until the sun gave way to the moon.

Despite wanting to continue reading, Feyre's gaze distracts me. Giving up on reading, I sit up, looking at her. From my angle, I can't see what she's painting very well, but the paints are still scattered around us, and she's still holding the brush, so I deduce she hasn't finished the painting.

"Baby, you're staring," I stretch, trying to see what she's painting, curious to see her progress, but she quickly pulls the canvas away from my view. The warmth that fills her cheeks as she looks away from me gives me a hint as to why she was staring at me.

A mischievous smile forms on my lips. I lean forward, innocently running the tip of my nail on her bare leg. "You know, when you said you wanted to paint the landscape, I didn't think you were referring to me."

She chuckles at the teasing, rolling her eyes as she mumbles something. She places the canvas in one of the paints, away from my sight, and turns to me, her hand reaching to grab mine. Her finger is smeared with paint, and as she runs it over me, I get stained with the hue she was using, but I don't complain.

"You're too beautiful; it's hard to capture you in a painting," she confesses to me. Her brown eyes meet mine, her freckles reflecting the sunlight and seeming to glow. It's ironic for Feyre to say this about me; the beauty she carries is otherworldly, yet I am the one challenging to be captured in paints.

"Pfft, you can turn anything into the most beautiful art, Fey," I roll my eyes at her, her hand drawing a pattern on mine gently. "But I can be your muse whenever you want. I don't mind how long it takes for you to finish your painting."

She smiles at my response. Her other hand, which previously held the brush, holds my face tenderly, and she stares at me for a few more seconds in silence, studying and analyzing my face, imprinting the details with her eyes and fingertips. When she finishes, she goes back to grab the canvas and the brush, speaking excitedly.

"Alright then, get into a comfortable position. This will probably take some time," she starts mixing colors and dipping them into the brush as I lean back, sitting in a more comfortable way.

When she resumes painting, I'm still laughing, and as the sun sets, giving way to the moon, she remains focused, alternating her gaze between me and the canvas, until she completes her masterpiece.

Nesta

In this, Nesta and I have developed a small tradition in our relationship. At least once a month, we go to any bookstore we choose at the moment, even if we don't plan to buy any books or have only bought a few days ago. We simply go, wander around the store, and talk – sometimes we browse through books on the shelves, other times we just observe. It doesn't matter much what we do in the bookstore; we just go.

That's why the day after I return from a political trip to the Day Court, Nesta wakes me up early. We have breakfast together, then leisurely stroll to a new bookstore that opened while I was away. The place is beautiful and cozy, the smell of books is relaxing, and Nesta's hand in mine brings a sense of comfort. We are almost at the back of the bookstore, in the erotic books section, when one of the covers catches my attention.

"Oh! Helion had this book in his library; I read it while I was there." I release Nesta's hand to pick up the book. The cover is as discreet as the title; at first glance, nothing would indicate the content inside this book, except for the category it belongs to.

I flip through the book, reading some random passages and recalling the story. A laugh escapes my throat as I turn to Nesta and show her one of the excerpts. "Look at this."

Nesta's eyebrow arches as she reads the passage I showed her. A quieter laugh, compared to mine, also escapes her, and her eyes meet mine as she says, "Well, it's a... uninteresting scene."

I nod, agreeing with her, and turn back to the shelf, running my finger over the covers. "I really didn't expect that while reading, although it makes sense when compared to the rest of the story." Then I briefly start recounting the story – how the main couple faced various challenges when together but always had a significant tension between them.

I pick up another book, turning the cover and reading its summary. It seems interesting. "Look, Nes, it's from that new author you were interested in. The story sounds good; it's about..."

When I turn to show her the book I found, she still has the previous book in her hands, open to the page I handed her. Her eyes stare at me with an affectionate gaze, causing my cheeks to flush with the attention she gives me, and I release a nervous giggle.

"Darling, you're staring at me," I murmur, shyness covering my voice. This seems to snap Nesta out of the trance she was in because she blinks, very slowly, and a mischievous smile forms on her lips – a smile that sends shivers down my spine.

She closes the book in her hands, takes the one in mine, and puts both back on the shelf, pulling me close to her. "You look too beautiful when you talk about the books you like," she murmurs, her lips nearing mine.

Her eyes burn with mischief, her hand moves up to my nape, pulling me closer, our lips inches apart. "Tell me more about the book, about all the books you read while you were away," her lips meet mine in the next moment.

Morrigan

Morrigan's dissatisfied murmurs filled my ears as I watched her argue with herself through the vanity mirror about the three dresses scattered on the bed. Smiling at her indecision, I resumed applying makeup, finishing the products on my eyes and cheeks, adding color and life to my face.

Digging into Mor's vanity drawer, I searched for a lipstick to complement the outfit I chose for the night. Once I found the perfect shade, I glanced back at the mirror.

Swiftly applying the lipstick, I examined my face—it was perfect and would be even more so when I put on the golden earring that matched Mor's. With that thought, I sought her reflection and found her staring at me through the mirror with a puzzled look, still undecided on her choice. Turning to face her, still seated on the stool, I raised my eyebrows at her pout, and she scrutinized me with puppy-dog eyes.

"You're staring, babe," I stood up, approaching the bed with the intention of helping her choose her outfit but was interrupted when she pulled me close, pressing her body against mine. Her eyes descended to the lips I had just painted, now adorned with a mischievous smile.

"You're beautiful; I can't help but look," I playfully rolled my eyes, accustomed to her flattery.

She brushed a strand of my hair back, clearing it from my face, and leaned forward, sealing our lips. I got lost in the kiss, engulfed in the passion she radiated. Our mouths moved in harmony; my hand held her face, preventing her from pulling away. We only broke the kiss because we needed air. As her lips moved far enough from mine for coherent thought, I noticed the color on hers.

She furrowed her brows, confused by my exasperated sigh. When I quickly distanced myself and walked back to the vanity, she became even more perplexed. Until I looked at myself in the mirror and realized the chaos my face had become—lipstick smeared everywhere, ruining the makeup I had done.

I groaned and turned to her, attempting to hide a laugh behind her fist, "Morrigan," I whined, "now I have to clean up and redo it."

She approached again, her hands running up my arms and stopping at the base of my neck, her fingertips playing with my hair. "Well, at least I'll have more time to decide what to wear," she chuckled loudly as I huffed indignantly.

#fanfic #acotar #rhysand #rhysand x reader #x reader #a court of thorns and roses #azriel x reader #cassian #cassian x reader #azriel shadowsinger #Azriel #feyre x reader #feyre archeron #feyre acotar #nesta x reader #nesta archeron #morrigan x reader #Morrigan #rhysand x you #azriel x you #cassian x you #nesta x you #Morrigan x you #feyre archeron x reader #nesta archeron x reader

[lani-heart]

|| series masterlist || next // previously

parings -> ( eventually ) enhypen x reader genre -> soulmate au, fantasy au, angst warnings -> angst, self-harm word count -> 1.5k

abstract -> "i'm not a monster"

y/n’s perspective

I don't understand why Jake would want to know how it feels. Seeing someone hurt should give him an idea… He even wanted to keep it a secret, but why?

I wonder if K already gave it to him… if he drank it knowing what it was. 

“Why are you so lost in your own head love?” I heard and smiled. “Just tired, Won,” I said and he chuckled. “Too tired even for me?” he teased and I smiled at him. He really was the best. ���No, never for any of you,” I said and he smiled while kissing my forehead. 

“Jay is busy today, so he wanted me to tell you to eat at the cafeteria today,” he said and I nodded. “Are you gonna join me?” I asked and he chuckled. “I would, but I need to get my dinner at the cafeteria so I’d rather not let you wait,” he said and I nodded. 

It's been a while since I've eaten dinner by myself. Eunchae and Wonyoung are busy with after-school activities today. “Don’t miss me too much,” he said while speeding away. 

I packed up my stuff and decided to go to the cafeteria. 

While we could make our own food and eat at the cafeteria, we couldn’t get other foods made for different species. That's a concrete rule… humans have a specific process of checking food, it's quite similar to witches but our food has more nutrients for our energy in magic. Whilst werewolves consisted of a lot of meat… sometimes rare. Of course, vampires have blood bags and blood-infused food. 

Wait… if Jay was busy today, what was Jake gonna eat?

“I need help” I heard and I immediately got scared of the man behind me… speaking of the devil. “I know it's not your ideal way to spend the end of the day, but if I can't stomach a blood bag I won't be able to eat any of the cafeteria food,” he said and I nodded. 

“Why don’t you go into the city?” I asked and he shook his head. “The humans know I'm a vampire… It's on my uniform. They'll refuse to serve me. Why would a vampire go to a human-owned restaurant alone?” he asked and he proved a point. There was a lot of fear when it came to humans… some trusted witches and werewolves but when it came to other supernatural creatures like vampires… not so much. 

“Well… I could go with you? We could go to the witch area, there's food you can eat as a human '' I said and his eyes lit up and he grabbed my shoulders making me freeze. “Thank you! You’re a lifesaver!” he said as he let me go… I tried to calm down my over beating heart, but it wasn’t like he could hear it with the effects of the potion. 

“Do you need time to get ready?” I asked and he shook his head. “No… I just want food” he said and I understood he must be feeling an overwhelming amount of saturation. 

“Lets go wait  for the bus then”

jake’s perspective

I was happy she was true to her word and was willing to help me. 

We finally got out of the bus that took us to the nearest city. It had a lot of different species-owned shops and restaurants. While shops were okay, restaurants were hard since vampires primarily drink blood scaring humans when they go in saying they're hungry. 

“This is a human and witch-infused place. I hope you can find something you can eat” she said and I nod hoping it was true. “Jake?” I heard and I saw a she-devil. I hid behind y/n who looked at me confused. 

“Jake, you should not be hiding behind the poor girl” she scolded and she smiled at the y/n who put her hand out. “Hello, if you know Jake you must know my brother Heeseung '' she said and I could see the shocked expression on her face. “I’m sorry for those idiots, they’ve always been that way,” she said and I scoffed.

“But you’re a witch and Heeseung–” “Is a vampire? The only vampires born from them are Sunghoon, Jake, and Niki the rest were turned. Heeseung was actually a witch” she explained. 

“That's a long story though!” she said and I scoffed… 

“Oh, it's nice to meet you,” she said, causing the she-devil to smile. “Be careful, Jake. Being human is a lot harder than you think” she said, seeing right through me. “How’d you know?” I asked as I stopped hiding. “I’m a witch… of course, I'd know, '' she said. “Besides any idiot could feel the magic radiating off of you” I heard as I now saw Vernon-hyung. “Oh, uhm she’s actually in HYBE Academy '' I explained and her eyes lit up. “I want to go into HYBE Academy when I graduate!” she said with an excitement I hadn't seen before. 

“Oh? Maybe you’ll be my junior!” she said and y/n smiled. “We should get going now, your mates are waiting for you” I heard as I saw Jeonghan also. 

“Mates? I didn’t know you found your mates yet?!” I said and she chuckled. “Neither do they,” she said and I should've guessed. From what Heeseung explained she knew who her mates were before even meeting them. 

“Bye! I would love to see you again y/n!” she said as she left. “I didn’t know he had a sister, '' she said and I nodded. “She’s evil,” I said and she laughed. “She seems nice…” she said and I nodded. “Nicer than Heeseung at least but those two are the worst. Now can we order?” I asked and her eyes widened. 

“Oh! You’re right, uhm here” she said while showing me the menu. “Oh, Rabokki sounds good!” I said and she smiled. “Let's go order then,” she said and I put down the menu as we got in line. “Are you not gonna get anything?” I asked and she hummed. “I was thinking of getting the same thing actually,” she said and I chuckled. “We could just order a big one and share?” I suggested. “Are you sure?” she asked and I nodded. 

“I’ll pay by the way… as a thank you for doing this for me”

y/n’s perspective

My time with Jake was… nice. 

He was actually really funny and sweet so I felt comfortable around him. Even meeting Heeseung’s sister was shocking, but the evening was good despite my other soulmates being busy. 

“I’m so full!” he said as he yawned. “Why am I so sleepy?” he asked and I chuckled. “Because human food fills you so much that it just makes you tired. Unlike other species they don’t use anything to give extra energy to their food” I explained and he nodded. 

“Being a human… it's weird” he said and I was curious. “How does being a witch feel?” he asked, making me laugh. “I know it sounds weird,” he mutters softly with a smile. He was...

No, he likes Sooha, not me.

“Well, I almost have excessive energy that I need to release. Witches need to do magic to not only be healthy but practice” I explained and he nodded. 

“Vampires just have an excessive thirst,” he said and I nodded. “Does it make you uncomfortable with… you know eating with your mates?” he asked and I shook my head. 

“It's a natural thing, none of it bothers me,” I said and he nodded. “Being around you… is overwhelming” he said and it confused me. “Not right now! Just… as a vampire. I’m not the best with control so you constantly smell like blood” he said and I felt my eyes widen in shock. 

“I need to work on my control… control plus heavy emotions lead me to do horrible things. I’m sorry for that” he explained and I now knew it wasn’t really his fault. 

He probably was defending Sooha… but he didn’t mean to hurt me. “I still don’t know how it feels to be hurt. But I wanted to explain that” he said and I nodded. “Sorry for not hearing you out,” I said and he shook his head. 

“I don’t blame you” 

jake’s perspective

I dropped her off at her dorm when I left the school again. I went to the plains to test it out. 

I took a deep breath and summoned my fire. It was warm… then it turned hot and then turned unbearable. I couldn’t even control the scream that I let out. 

“That pain you feel right now… remember it. It was only a fraction of what you did to her” I heard as I saw Heeseung? “Asking her for a potion to make yourself human? What were you thinking?” he asked as I could only feel my vision get blurry. 

The burns hurt… the smell of burning flesh even made me gag. 

“You’ve hurt countless people, you're under a rehabilitation program Jake. You're supposed to learn not to be a monster and yet you do monstrous things” he said and it was true. 

There were vampires like him… who were made and are taught how to control whilst there's one like me who has killed and needed to be taught morals. 

“I get it… I’m still a monster”

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please don't be a silent reader !! reblog, comment, and like <3

#enhypen #enhypen x reader #enhypen bright sun #enhypen x female reader #enhypen poly au #enhypen heeseung #enhypen heeseung x reader #heeseung x reader #enhypen jake #enhypen jake x reader #jake x reader #enhypen sunghoon #enhypen sunghoon x reader #sunghoon x reader #enhypen jay #enhypen jay x reader #jay x reader #enhypen sunoo #enhypen sunoo x reader #sunoo x reader #enhypen jungwon #enhypen jungwon x reader #jungwon x reader #enhypen niki #enhypen niki x reader #niki x reader

[honey-on-your-tongue]

can you do a jake x reader smut where we have a huge argument and hes js so mad that he js fucks the anger out of the both of us? idk what else to say that js sounds hot as shit

😩😩😩😩😩😩

Sex as a solution to arguments? Yes please.

(irl it's not tho, babes. Keep that in mind 🙃)

-----

He's never back this late. He's never this late. Something must've happened. Something's wrong...

You chew on your nails as you pace your tent, heart racing, your thoughts eating away at you.

Where is he?

This isn't the first time Jake has gone on patrol at night. And it's the first time he's not back when he's supposed to be. But he's over two hours late...what could have possibly happened?

You're aching to hop on your ikran and find him, but you know the rules. You can't go out, you have to wait for him to come back.

It feels like years have passed by the time he finally shows up.

“Jake!” you gasp as he walks into your tent. You look him over, ensuring he's unhurt, finding a few bruises and a few scratches, but nothing major. “What happened?”

He gives you a sheepish look. “I, uh...Tsu'tey and I kinda got caught up 'cause we were chasing these palulukan off, and it sorta led us astray so it took a while to get back.”

You exhale sharply. “Again? You know your job isn't to mess around with the forest creatures, Jake. You're supposed to just keep a lookout for the Sky People.”

He shrugs slightly. “Well, yeah, but it's also fun sometimes.”

You can feel anger spark within you. “Fun?” you echo, crossing your arms. “I've been sitting here worried for the past two hours! And you're out having fun?”

He sighs softly. “I didn't mean to make you worry, I just—”

You scoff, cutting him off. “You never mean to make me worry. You always say so, and yet you keep doing it over and over again!” you snap.

“Hey, I've the right to go out there and have some fun. There's nothing wrong with that,” he replies, raising his voice. His amber eyes flash with frustration, his tail swishing uneasily.

“Maybe you could keep in mind the fact that I'm here waiting for you!” you yell back. “You're so self-centered, only thinking about having fun while I'm here wondering whether you're even fucking alive!”

He sighs. “You think it's intentional? That I leave you here to scare you?”

“I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you could be a little more mindful about me and maybe at least tell me beforehand that you're going to be late because you're going to be messing around with the forest creatures.”

“So now I have to report my every move to you?” he scoffs. “You want me to inform you of everything I fucking do?”

You exclaim, “That's not what I fucking mean and you know it. I'm just saying that it's not fair for you to leave me here, waiting for you without you telling me you might be late.”

“Even if I fucking told you, you'd make a big deal about it,” he snaps. “If I'm back late, you're upset. If I got distracted during patrol, you get upset. And apparently, if I don't tell you everything I'm going to do, you get upset.”

You exhale sharply. “You make it sound like I'm controlling you when you damn well know I'm worried for you.”

“Maybe you shouldn't worry. I think I'm old enough to take care of myself.”

“I'm just trying to help you!” you yell.

“Maybe you're only a burden instead of help!” he yells back.

You laugh bitterly. “That's it, then. You don't need me for anything else than to cook and have dinner waiting when you come home.” You sneer, but tears of anger and pain are welling in your eyes. “I see how it is, then.”

He narrows his eyes at you. “Don't you dare get that way with me, you know you're more than that.”

“How should I fucking believe you?” you yell. “All you have to show for how you feel are your empty words!”

“Just my empty words?” he scoffs. “I'm making sure this village is safe—that you're safe, and you complain?”

“Complain?!” you snap. “I'm worrying about you and you're being the ungrateful ass that you are!”

“I am not ungrateful, I just don't understand why you're so upset about this! It's my life, I don't have to keep you updated about everything, you know. I can take care of myself.”

You throw him a deadly glare. “I guess you'll always be human in that way, then. Because us Na'vi actually take care of one another.”

And that's it. The final straw for him. He loses it, anger flashing in his eyes as he grabs you by the throat and pulls you to him, roughly pressing his lips to yours.

“You—!” you exclaim, pushing him off you. He doesn't get to treat you that way and kiss it all away.

But he's stronger than you. He grabs you tight, holding you close, his lips forcing yours open and sliding his tongue into your mouth.

You gasp softly, hating how much you're enjoying this, wishing you had the willpower to move away. But you don't.

One of his hands starts going south, tracing over your torso, down your abdomen, to your pussy. He touches you through your loincloth, fingers pressing against your clit through the thin fabric.

You feel what he's doing and a semblance of sense pops back into your head. He can't treat me like that and fuck me and expect me to forgive him.

You bite his lip, making him grunt softly, but he holds you close, kissing you even though the taste of his blood invades your tongue.

He tugs you to him, holding onto your hip, his other hand undoing your loincloth before caressing your cunt, spreading your folds and touching you just the way he knows will make you wet.

You try not to, hope it doesn't get to you, but you find yourself whining, nails digging into his skin. “Jake—”

He shuts you up with another kiss before leading you to the ground. You're pissed, you want to keep fucking yelling and crying and making him angry. Instead, you let him. You let him take you to the floor, let him undress you, and in turn, you tug his loincloth off.

He chuckles darkly when he realizes that you're as eager as he is.

He runs the thick head of his cock between your folds, gathering the wetness at your entrance before sliding into you.

You whine softly, pussy throbbing around his long, thick cock.

“There you go,” Jake groans when his hips meet yours. “Oh, fuck.”

You grab onto his shoulders and he gives no warning as he starts rutting into you, the tip of his cock bruising your delicate cervix, each thrust knocking the breath from your lungs.

“Asshole,” you seethe between heavy breaths and little whimpers. “You're an asshole.”

“Shut up,” Jake says, pressing his lips to yours, kissing you like he's starving, like he's trying to tell you everything without saying a word.

You wrap your legs around his waist, your eyes fluttering shut, your body trembling as he fucks you.

You kiss Jake back with everything you have, all the anger, all the fear, all the love—all of it. You pour it onto his lips, your sharp canines dragging over his tongue when it slides inside your mouth, and he shudders softly.

He groans lowly as he breaks the kiss, moving his mouth to your neck. You mewl as he increases his pace, making your legs jerk with each hard thrust.

He bites on the skin of your neck, sucking on it, and you gasp. You already know the hickey you're going to have in the morning.

“This what you fuckin' needed, hm?” he says, biting you again. “You just needed me to teach you some fucking manners.”

You sink your nails into his back, making him grunt. “Stop fucking talking,” you seethe, your voice a mere whine as he continues to rut into you.

The sound of your soaked pussy is loud in your tent, the slap of Jake's hips against yours making you blush with the obscenity of it all.

Jake bites down on your shoulder, hard, and you fold your ears back, hissing softly. But the pain only adds to the pleasure. It makes you gasp and tremble, a heat spreading in your womb as he keeps fucking you.

You want to complain. You want to bite him and punch him and kiss him and tell him you love him. He's so infuriating, so fucking annoying. You hate that you can never stay angry at him, hate that he always finds the way to get your heart to soften for him. You wish you were immune to his charms, but it's damn near impossible for you.

You tangle your hands in his hair and pull, drawing his face to yours so you can kiss his lips. You feel him grin slightly as you do, his soft lips smirking into the kiss as you moan.

The pleasure within you is spreading, reaching across your skin like vines, taking root and making you see stars behind your eyelids.

You begin bucking your hips up, gasping as you feel yourself closer to the edge. You try to match Jake's pace, but he's going too hard for you to keep up. Besides, he's already fucked you half dumb, there's not much you can do but take it.

Jake can tell when you're going to come. He can feel the way your pussy grows tight around him, sucking him in, making it harder for him to fuck you. Still, he keeps going, relishing in the sensation of your slick dropping down his balls. He grunts with each thrust, ensuring he fucks you as deep as he can and in return, he receives your little whimpers and moans. He watches your face as your eyes roll into the back of your head, and he knows you're right there.

And still, the stubborn little thing you are, you bite your lip, trying to keep quiet as you come, but Jake fucks you harder, forcing you to let out a gasp followed by a loud moan that has his own orgasm nearing.

He continues to rut into you, again and again, groaning and gasping until he comes. His load fills you, making you shiver, and he's left caging you under him, your body trembling.

He pulls out of you, leaning on his knees to see the way his cum drips out of your swollen, raw pussy.

His eyes scan up your body until he meets your gaze, and something within him softens.

He crawls beside you, laying down at your side and spooning you. You cross your arms, obviously still upset, and he presses a few soft kisses on your shoulder.

“I'm sorry,” he tells you, his voice quiet and gentle. “I'm sorry. You're right, you're only worrying about me, and I'm being an asshole. I didn't mean to scare you, baby. I never do. Sometimes I just get carried away by the excitement when we're out in the field. But I promise it won't happen again. Truly.” He kisses the side of your neck, one of his hands caressing your hip. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm truly sorry. I'll let you know beforehand when I plan on taking a little longer out during patrol.” He kisses your cheek gently. “I love you. So much. And I don't want you to think that all I need you for is to take care of the house. You know you're everything to me. You're my sun and my moon and my stars. You're everything. Without you, I'd be empty. You know that. Please, baby, don't ever think that you're nothing but an asset to me. Because you're not. You're my woman, my wife, my baby. You're everything to me, love. I don't know what I'd do without you.”

You turn around to face him, your eyes softened.

“Do you forgive me?” he asks softly.

You smile gently at him. “You're forgiven,” you say.

Relieved, Jake leans towards you and places a soft kiss to your lips. He doesn't know what he'd ever do without you.

-----

@kamcrazy123 @yagirlheree @sweetllamaparadise @neytirishottie @crazy4books1

-----

Blog masterlist

#inbox <3 #avatar jake sully #jake sully x reader #avatar smut #jake sully smut #jake sully

[miracledarling]

why every method works

[ small rant + my experience in loa community ]

💙notes: this was supposed to be a very old post i started writing weeks ago but it never got published so i added more stuff into it later

disclaimer: when i talk about my own experience and perspective, i am not forcing any of my opinions onto you. find what works for you, literally the point of this post is to provide that reassurance

📖table of contents . . .

① it does work, duh ② rant about overconsumption ③ my personal experience ④ what i've learned ⑤ the bottom line

i have explained basically similar things in other places that i am covering on this post so don't be too surprised

1 2 3 4 5

but i've already had this in my drafts for too long so i had to put this out there at some point . . .

it DOES work, duh

as a beginner in loa, i would be drowned by my logical mind. even before i got into loa, i was listening to subliminals. and i would constantly be asking myself: "is this gonna work?" "am i doing this right?" if i paused a subliminal halfway through, i would get so anxious. asking myself "do i have to rewind the subliminal all over again?" then, after reading solar subs guide, i was introduced to loa and the concept of manifesting. but ofc i had trouble believing in subliminals in the very beginning and at that point i was just feeling that i was wasting my time. on all this "spirituality" but months later, after seeing small successes one after another, i realized the law may hold some truth after all. ofc i was still skeptical, and always questioning myself, but i've gotten quite a lot of manifestations it was a bit good to be true right?

as for the loa community, theres been debate in this community time and time again, trends come and go. if youve been on loatwt u know how toxic that affirm vs states debate got, and it's still coming back every week. sometimes people will push one method and put down another, or feel discouraged when the method that is trending isn't the one that resonates with them.

i've seen some limiting beliefs being spread around here and there but what i've learned is that there are NO rules when it comes to manifesting. when it comes to the law of assumption, the law of assumption is LITERALLY the law of ASSUMPTION. like literally. it's like not only is the world made of atoms, it's literally made of assumptions. everything is an assumption. EVERYTHING.

and one important thing i realized is there are absolutely NO RULES. NOTHING IS TRUE UNLESS YOU ASSUME IT IS.

only what you persistently assume will be true, will be facts.

i mean, sure i heard a lot of ppl say things like "_____ doesnt work "

sigh. that's just a personal belief? bc rlly, anything can work depending on ur assumption. from now on, whatever ur doing, it WORKS and it's WORKING (and can you stop telling urself that it didn't work or u fail, u CANNOT fail). no literally please stop searching for reasons you've failed. you're just persisting in the assumption that you've failed. the more you search for it, the more your outer reality is going to show you evidence that you're failing. right at your face.

what you could do is you can create the assumption that everything always works out for you. and no, u do not need to rewatch the youtube vid, reread that success story, reread the post, nope. it works, it's working. ur doing it right. believe it or not it works !! ofc it works. it does work, duh. u can't fail. the law is always working. and it's working in your favor.

a rant about overconsumption

now some people may overthink everything. and i get it. i recommend just staying away from all the loa info you can find.

yes i know i've been reposting many posts but the reason i'm going to take a little break from doing that is for my own good and for everyone else's. because i feel that retrieving all these old posts will make you more prone to overconsumption(and take up some of my own time and energy) and it's not my job lol.

like most of us are constantly saying the same answer to all your asks and in our posts, only adding out own views and experiences. seriously, you don't need to read any more posts at this point. it's the same thing with personal opinions added to it. to be honest, it you're someone who is new or overthinks a lot, scrolling through tumblr may do more harm than good. you're just getting fed a ton of different opinions of different bloggers regarding the same topic-loa, and seeing disagreements cause confusion. i know that the states vs a&p discourse confused the shit out of me. i was overconsuming and overthinking without applying. big mistake. i'm happy i learned to create my own rules now.

there's something i realized: is there even a point for consuming loa content?

i mean it's the law of assumption. like literally assumptions that you persist in manifest. so why do you need to know more than that? as i said earlier, why do you need to look for a reason that you've failed. stop excusing that. you didn't fail. you didn't fail at all. you just chose to go back to the old story and you decided to accept that instead of accepting the new one. you declined the new story.

imagine if you attend a party where you needed to pick ONE dress to wear. you're currently wearing a pink one but you want to wear the blue one. well then wear the blue one. put the pink one away and put on the blue one. so simple right?

now back to what i was talking about. there is literally no need for you to look for more loa information at this point. there is zero reason to do that. because you know what the law is. just by the title it's the law of assumption, so literally just assume and persist in that assumption. that's it.

99.9% of blog posts are just repeating the same thing to you. but with their opinions added. i don't know how many times i'm going to have to say this but it's the truth.

keep this in mind: an assumption persisted in hardens into fact. now you see most posts always somewhere says something along the lines of:

"dwell/think from your desired state" "dwell in 4d/imagination" "think as if you have it already" "persist/stick to the new story" "don't waver/go back and forth, just stick to the new story" "affirm and persist until your mind is saturated with the new story" "repetition reprograms your mind, creating new assumption" "change your mindset to fit the new assumption" "just know and persist in the knowing" "be consistent and consistently thinking from the new story" "maintain a mental diet to stick to new story" "just decide and stick to it"

in the end, they all imply and result the same thing.

new state = new mindset = new story = 4d = assumption that you have it already

so persisting in any of these means you're persisting in the new assumption.

in the end, all of the methods you ever used for loa are just to get you to persist in the new assumption. and persisting in that causes it to harden into fact.

now, why do people ask questions, consume new information, use methods, etc?

well actually i think it's okay to do so, and makes sense especially if you're someone who is new to the law. the thing is, the law is just extremely simple. to the point where people just start to complicate it. people literally have to ask "how to persist" "how to accept" "how to fullfill" "how to intend" and that shows it's being complicated way too much. when law assumption is just assumptions become reality.

but it now that i look back, it actually makes sense why people would overthink something so simple, or create new methods, word things differently, and such.

if i were a beginner and i wanted to know how to manifest and someone tells me "oh, easy. just assume, just decide you have it" it probably wouldn't be too helpful. because now i would wonder how to decide. or more, i would wonder "so...is that it? that's all" i mean who would even think it's true at first sight. and especially as a beginner i would probably check the 3d right after and be unhappy because i "decided" but nothing changed. and doubt the law.

which is where methods come to play. if just assuming/accepting is too far to grasp, methods and challenges help people apply the law. since it's broken down step by step. like SATs for example, getting into a drowsy state, repeating a scene until feeling the wish fullfilled. that is easy to understand and follow.

but of course methods are never required. and for those in disbelief of the law, i always tell you to test the law for yourself, apply, and stop overconsuming/overthinking. because overconsuming really does more harm than good in my opinion. because all these loa content are talking about the same thing in general, but just with our personal experience and opinions added to it, it can really make people confused. remember the whole states vs affirming debate. so if someone has all these opinions being thrown at them, of course they will have no idea who to listen to or what to follow.

this is why it's so important to find what works for you. literally start applying as much as you can. it's like an experiment. find your own way of manifesting that you personally enjoy/like. if you are ever going to consume info, only take what resonates and leave what doesn't. manifesting is not one size fits all. if someone has limiting beliefs, stop taking it in like a sponge. girl you are a human not a sponge.

now that you know that everything surrounding loa basically implies the same thing, i hope you release some of that stress and anxiousness when consuming loa content. or simply consume less content.

my personal experience

since i've been such a skeptic in the past, i would constantly be switching methods, hopping from this to that. when i watch one youtube and then watch another with different opinions, i would feel like this is such bs.

so let me give an example. i've seen people say that robotic affirming "doesnt work" when i've manifested most, if not almost all of my desires purely through robotically looping affirmations in my head. because I ASSUME it works, duh. if u assume it doesn't work, it won't. easy as that. like you can assume it takes 1 repetition, 10 repetitions, 10k repetitions. it depends on ur ASSUMPTIONS. its the law of assumption. i've also seen people say that you need to go through a "transition period" which is a huge myth. i've never experienced one in my life.

see? literally it boils down to ur assumptions. even for me, i had to find my own way out of here, rather than consuming other people's info.

what i've learned

okay i was hesitant to write this part because people might take it the wrong way, and defeats the whole purpose of this post. this isn't directed towards anyone lol. rather, see this as a reminder that you do what you want, not what anyone else says. gotta recognize yourself as the creator.

there's literally no wrong way. what works for me may not work for you, and vice versa. but this is only what I learned so feel free to skip this part if you're not interested in hearing my experiences

now, this is what i discovered about myself, just to show that everyone has their own way of manifesting and no wrong or right

i'll admit i am more of an affirming girly and i probably always will be. i'm going to be an affirm + persist girly for life but it's not like it will be the only way to manifest. i respect whatever you do and i love the fact manifesting is different for everyone. in no way will i purposefully force my own opinions onto anyone because whether you like states or affirming or whatever it's completely fine.

and literally i still apply states as well. although i don't really ever considered myself a "state girly," i've known about states for a long time before it became popularized. i remember learning about states and to me, it was the whole package. it did help me in the sense that i could just identify with what i wanted easily. so i will always apply it when i manifest alongside affirming. in other words, i actually apply both.

but on contrary to what works for others, affirming was an easy and straightforward way to get what i want. rewiring the brain through and such made more sense to me especially as a logical person who was skeptical since day one. and whats more is that the reason i found out about loa is through subliminals and i learned more about loa through youtubers, such as sammy ingram. so i was used to affirming the whole time. and it worked for me. however, you do not have to "follow" this if it does not resonate with you

although i understand states better now, and i do believe they are what manifests i still always use affirming and persisting as my main way to manifest since it's always worked for me.

however, if anyone ever ask me how to manifest something, i would always try to tell you to do what works for you. and always do what you resonates with and don't let others opinions guide you. you don't have to repeatedly affirm if you don't want. if you have better way, thats alright, apply it. most important is applying and persist in it rather than overconsumption.

the reason i always share so many posts with you is to help you gain some insight. like i've reblogged tons of posts on my sideblog and even organized them. i've found some old ones that have helped me. but please don't aggressively read and reread all of them. like honey that's overconsumption. no need to do that. skim through one of them and then delete the app. and start applying. and you will be surprised how fast it manifested.

so the void, states, self concept, whatever the trend was...all those things didn't resonate with me as much. heck i didn't even know what was the void until early january which meant 8 months after i already started to manifest for myself

but this just shows that no matter what the hype is, you should stick to what works for you. stop letting others dictate you. just test the law and trust yourself. do it your way.

the bottom line

i don't care how you like to manifest. i seriously don't and in fact, after you read this post, i'd like you get off your phone and test the law to find whats works for you. it doesn't matter works for me. it doesn't matter what other blogger say, it doesn't matter. all that matters is what works for you.

MANIFESTING IS NOT ONE SIZE FITS ALL(i remember sammy ingram even said this in one of her videos lmao) like i don't care if u do affirming, states, or void. it doesnt matter at all. never mattered and never will. just do what u like, darling.

people succeeded with states. people succeeded with affirming. you know what they all had in common? they applied the law.

i have my rules and my beliefs. other bloggers have their rules and their beliefs. many of us have our own limiting beliefs. its all depending on out assumptions. nobody makes ur rules. only you.

yes, even neville, who has very valuable teachings, still does has his own beliefs. like i don't resonate with his ideas of "appointed hour" or "bridge of incidents" but some people do.

and remember when people used to push the "time lag" or the "transition period " well guess what, those are ASSUMPTIONS. its all assumptions.

stop letting people tell you what works and what doesnt. you decide.

in the end, it doesn't matter if u do states, affirming, whatever. it depends on ur assumptions.

stop limiting urself, and do what works for u 💓

#queued posts⏰ #loa #loassumption #manifesting #manifesation #self concept #neville goddard #affirmations #void state #loa affirmations #affirm and persist #10k affirmations #affirmyourreality #affirmyourself #affirmdaily #states of consciousness #manifesting tips #law of assumption #law of attraction #void #sammy ingram #loablr #loa blog

[ryuyejiho]

"I never get enough, doll" - Hyunjin

Pairing: Hyunjin x Reader

Genre: Smut

Warnings: 18+, Smut, Fingering, Orgasm control, Sex with stepbrother

Summary: Your stepbrother's daily dance rehearsals are finally starting to become unbearable. However, he instead of caring about your arguments, gives you a demonstration of his hot dance and teaches you the choreography.

Word Count: ~3k

________________________________

Once again I stood in front of the door to Hyunjin's room and pounded on it with all my strength with my fist. Finally when the music quieted down I wanted to leave but then the door opened

"can you get the fuck away from me?" I heard a voice behind me at which I turned around

"it's you at 1 am at night playing music so loud. Don't you have headphones or do you just want to piss me off" I replied equally upset

"You know very well that this is my job and I have to practice choreography and the fact that you moved here is not my fault. Just because you live here with your retarded father doesn't mean you can rule what I can and can't do" he raised his voice at me at which I laughed rudely

"It's not my fault I live here either because, believe it or not, I don't want to be here either. And you can postpone your bouncing and waving your arms to tomorrow and not stomp around at night" I rolled my eyes, turned around and entered my room closing the door with a big bang.

I had been hearing the same songs day after day for a month. Although I liked some of them at first but hearing them non-stop made me sick of them. I already knew all the lyrics to each of them, just as I began to distinguish the voices of the guys singing and rapping there even though I didn't know who they were.

Day or night, it didn't matter to him at all. Nonstop, the sounds of various songs were pouring out of his room. Sometimes even my own headphones didn't help and let the ambient sounds through, drowning out what I was listening to. The worst was going to bed when I must always have silence and quiet around me.

Same now, lying down under the covers just waiting for the music to start playing again and it did. Despite the fact that it was much quieter than before, I angrily got up from the bed again and started banging on the door of his room again. This time when he opened it there was a cocky smile on his face that was as annoying as it was hot.

This time he wasn't wearing a T-shirt, he was standing in front of me in just shorts from which you could perfectly see the outline of his muscles on his thighs.

"Okay, now I've done it on purpose for you to come" he said and pulled me deeper into the room.

"why did you want me to come? Did you want to hear me yell at you again?"

"No. I wanted you to watch. Since for you it's usually bouncing and waving your arms, I wanted to show you what real dancing looks like." he walked over to the phone that was lying on the dresser right next to the speaker and played a song I'd heard a million times before.

He stood in front of me and as the slow rhythm of the song came out of the speaker, he started swaying from side to side. I rolled my eyes and sat down more comfortably on his bed, which was twice the size of mine. Hearing the first words of the song sounding 'fake eyes open' I rolled my eyes again, thinking to myself how fitting it was for me in my current situation when I didn't want to watch the show.

But then when he began to move rapidly and confidently he made me slightly curious. His movements were sensual and powerful at the same time and his gaze was still on me.

His eyes suddenly turned from kind and friendly to slightly squinted and fearful. With every more violent movement, his eyebrows drew together.

After a while when he knelt close to me with his hands close to his face I momentarily became hot. I sat up straight feeling the familiar tingling between my legs and the sensation in my lower abdomen. He just smiled and when he stood up his movements became faster and even more powerful than before.

When he began to move his lips to the rhythm of the song's lyrics it occurred to me that this person who was singing in the song was he himself.

Then suddenly he sat down on the floor in front of me and when his hips lifted up and he ran his hand all over his torso, from crotch to throat I thought I was about to cum right here and now. I couldn't stop looking at him and biting and licking my lips.

I knew that he was awesomely handsome but not that sexy. I knew he knew how to dance but not that kind of dance.

All the time he was looking at me with such awesome sexy and scary eyes that I felt how wet I got. My gaze flew between his hand, hip movements, his face and his eyes.

When the song finally slowed down he again began to sway sensually from side to side, he then looked straight into my eyes with a slight smirk and when the room was silent he stood in the final position holding two fingers to his stoic lips.

His face and neck were wet with sweat, his breathing much quickened, and looking at him in such a state I myself began to breathe faster. I was speechless, but not wanting to know anything from me, or at least to create such an appearance, I decided to speak up

"and that was your dance that you practice so daily?" I laughed and sat more comfortably on the bed wanting to be more credible. However, being believable with all my panties wet was quite difficult. Hyunjin just laughed and walked over to the phone turning off the song that came on next.

"Do you think it's that easy?" he asked turning to face me and raising one eyebrow at which I shrugged my shoulders and nodded "then dance it. At least half as good as me."

"as if I only knew the steps..." again I shrugged my shoulders at which he came up to me, far too close for my current situation, and grabbing my hand he pulled me up.

"I'll teach you, not problem" he smiled and still holding my hand, began to rock his hips. I tried to look in a completely different direction but because of that I didn't even notice when he put his hand on my waist and turned my back to him. Then I saw that between the bed and the door stood a sizable mirror in which we were now reflected.

"it's not that difficult. I'll teach you a chorus and if you want more I'll teach you the whole choreo," he caught my hands in his and still standing behind me, lifted them up and directed how I should move them. At first they were the usual sort of hits in the air but after a while he suddenly turned me the other way so that for a moment I was face to face with him.

Then it only got worse, when he kept standing so close to me and holding my hands raising and lowering them every now and then I felt him rubbing against my butt. I thought it was normal after all, standing so close to each other, but as I felt him closer and closer it couldn't be normal anymore.

I wanted to move away holding on to the remnants of pride and dignity but I couldn't. I felt like I was hypnotized feeling his body so close to mine and how his hands held my wrists tightly.

"Sit down," he said in a low voice making me feel my legs yield.

"I'd love to," I replied quietly, more to myself, and sat down, which he did too but more next to me.

"Now repeat after me," I looked at him and seeing his stomach and thigh muscles tightening as he lifted his hips up made me weak. Then his hand went to his crotch and, as before, he moved it upward. From this position he smoothly moved to his knees and looked at me waiting for me to repeat his steps.

I, however, just sat and looked at him. I wasn't able to move an inch, still looking only at his shirtless torso and barely covered, muscular thighs. His forehead and neck were still wet from the earlier dance, my gaze focused on the drop of sweat that was now flying down his forehead and past his hairline. He, seeing my focus on his face, wiped the droplet away with the top of his hand and tilted his head to the side looking at me.

I looked into his eyes which were then even darker than they had always been, then he licked his lips and when I looked at them I had the urge to throw myself at him and bite into his lips. I involuntarily licked my lips which only occurred to me when he looked at them.

I saw that he was thinking about something and, taking a deep breath, he suddenly stood and approached me on his knees. Within a second he was over me as I lay down and with his lips he attacked mine. He kissed me like there was no tomorrow, very greedily and even insistently. But it was so fucking arousing that I felt like a million butterflies flying in my stomach again.

Feeling his hand on my waist, I put my hands on his broad shoulders and spread my legs more to have him closer. He, taking advantage of my moment of inattention, put his tongue between my lips and began to play with my tongue. Combined with his hips pushing against mine and feeling his hardness on my pubic crease, I began to moan directly into his mouth.

He chuckles between kisses and moved his hand to my breast. He began to massage and knead it every now and then teasing the nipple with his fingers. I was both angry and happy at the same time that I always slept without a bra, I was wearing just a satin T-shirt on the straps but I didn't even know that I would end up in his room, especially I would be lying down under him.

When he moved his kisses to my neck I began to scratch his back, I was impressed by how soft his skin was so I tried not to leave marks and scratches but hearing his barely audible moan when I ran my nails harder than before, I began to drive them hard into his skin and scratch him so as to leave as many marks as possible.

My fingers moved to his head and the long hair with which I began to play and pull. Especially when he sucked and nibbled the skin on my neck and cleavage, going lower and lower to my breasts. On my collarbone he stopped the longest and feeling how hard he bit into my skin I knew I was going to have a hickey there.

When he reached my T-shirt he literally ripped the fabric of it and pulled it off of me to immediately attack my right nipple with his lips which were now even plumper as a result of our hungry kissing.

I was now one big mess, lying there on the cold floor, pulling his hair when his sucking was too intense and all I was able to get out of myself were moans.

"Hyunjin... please," I whined as my clit became painful demanding any attention. He looked at me still holding my nipple in his mouth, to which I moaned again and when I pushed my hips up closer to his he understood what I meant.

Raising himself up to the height of my face with his right hand he ran his hand over my body from top to bottom, then again from bottom to top and stopping at my throat he embraced it with his slender fingers, looking into my eyes with an intense gaze.

Whenever I saw him talking to anyone, he was always smiling and his eyes resembled two moons or two dashes when he smiled. More than once I thought he was cute at the time. But now? His gaze was so intense and frightening that my body was going through chills and I didn't know myself if it was whether from fear or excitement.

I could feel him gripping my throat tighter and tighter and how I no longer had full access to air, but after a while he slid his hand back down. He rode it over my cleavage, my clavicles, between my breasts with his finger hooking over my already sensitive nipple from earlier sucking, my belly to the elastic of my sleep shorts.

He followed his hand with his eyes the whole way, his face serious and his breathing quick and deep. When his slender fingers went under the material of my shorts he noticed that I was not wearing any underwear and looked at me smiling gently. However, it wasn't the same smile I had talked about earlier, oh no.

Moving closer to my left breast, he put his hand deeper into my shorts and, looking at me, licked my nipple. Putting his finger between my libia, he put the nipple between his lips, still looking at me. Holding the nipple in his mouth and teasing it with his tongue, his finger teased my clit and entrance.

Finally, he began sucking on it while simultaneously inserting a single finger into my insides. All this time he never once broke eye contact with me until I threw my head back, hitting the floor with it.

His other hand he placed between my head and the floor and, sucking my nipple harder and harder, his finger moved up and down faster and faster. As I got closer and closer to coming, I moaned louder and louder. I didn't have to worry about anyone hearing me, we were alone in the big house after our parents went on vacation together and left us alone.

When I was already close and could feel the orgasm approaching me with great strides he stopped and pulled his hand from my shorts. He got up and stood up straight extending his hand to help me get up. When I stood next to him, he immediately attacked my mouth and kissing we walked closer to the bed.

Suddenly he moved away from me and pushed me backwards onto the mattress with all his strength. He stood over me and with a further serious look he grabbed my shorts and pulled them down pulling them off me. He threw them somewhere behind him after which he also pulled his own down along with his boxers throwing them in about the same place. He knelt over me and put his whole hand on my pussy, with his other hand propping himself up right next to my head. He began to rub my clit quickly, at which I reflexively began to moan loudly and arch my back.

I looked up at him forcing myself to open my eyes, he was kneeling over me all naked and his hard, straight, long cock was resting against his flat stomach. He raised his hand to my mouth and put his two fingers inside. I started sucking them as best I could which satisfied him because smirk after which he pulled them out of my mouth to immediately put them deep inside my pussy.

He started moving them suddenly and quickly for what I literally saw stars, after a while he stopped and grabbed my thighs to turn me with my back to him.

I arched my ass toward him when he forced me to kneel down, slapping my buttock with his whole hand and, standing with one leg on the bed and one on the floor, directed his cock at my entrance. He rubbed the tip all over my pussy a few times, which was an awesome feeling, and when after a while I heard the condom wrapper being ripped open I couldn't wait to feel him inside me.

Not even half a minute had passed when I felt him at my entrance again, I couldn't stand it and moved my hips back but he moved his own back and slaped my buttock hard again

"Not so fast, pretty doll" he laughed lightly which was even sexy and brought his tip closer to my entrance again. This time he pushed his hips gently forward entering me a few inches. I clenched my eyes and hands tightly on the quilt feeling a pleasantly painful stretch.

Hyunjin stepped out of me only to immediately enter me full length

"ahh f-fuck" I leaned my forehead against the mattress but he grabbed my hair and pulled me upwards. Having him deep inside me felt like he was even longer than how I saw him a moment ago.

He went in and out of me all the length, each time feeling him incredibly deep I arched my back. A few entrances later, he grabbed my hips and putting his foot further down on the bed, brought me even closer to him. He started moving his hips faster, much faster, and although he was now entering me halfway down his length I felt as blissful as ever.

Moment by moment he sped up and thrust harder and harder, moaning louder and louder which was so sexy that I again felt like I was going to come at any moment.

But then he slowed down and, now standing with both feet on the floor, he moved my hips so that now I took control. I tried to do it smoothly, but feeling so much pleasure was difficult. This was clearly not enough for Hyunjin and not long after, he pushed my hips forward so that I was lying on my stomach, spread my legs giving him access to my pussy and lay on my back. He kissed my shoulders while entering me and when he was all in, he raised himself up on his hands and began to move inside me.

Slowly at first but suddenly he quickened his pace and entered me incredibly fast and hard so that my body bounced off the mattress. We were in this position for quite a while, he was moving me all the time at the same pace but which slowly brought me to the edge.

He, probably feeling my pussy starting to tighten up on him, got out of me and rolled over onto my back holding my leg, which after a while he placed on his shoulder as he re-entered me with a loud and long moan.

He leaned over me and began to fuck me even faster and harder than before. I moaned even louder and flexed my body feeling every millimeter of him deep inside me, I held tightly to his shoulders digging my nails into his skin until he straightened up.

He placed my leg on the bed, his hands on my stomach and, pressing my body into the mattress, he renewed his movements. This time feeling my orgasm approaching I literally screamed his name, my whole body shaking and writhing through too much stimulation.

"Fuck Hyunjin, I'm coming," I exclaimed and arched my back as he started rubbing my clit, smirking. As I came, I clamped my legs over his hips and pulled him closer, wanting to feel him as deeply as possible. My pussy clenched so tightly on his cock that after a while I felt his thighs begin to shake, he leaned over me and, holding my hair tightly, came deep inside me.

His moan was much hotter than the earlier ones, much higher having a combination of pleasure and relief. He lay on top of me with all his weight as we breathed quickly, we tried to calm down so for a long while neither of us said anything.

Finally, when he breathed deeply, he get up and climbed out of me, pulled off the condom and threw it in the basket in the nightstand. Again he lay on top of me but this time with half of his body and, putting his face in the hollow of my neck, began to kiss it.

After a longer moment, his hand began to move down my side, hooking my breast, still kissing my neck but getting hungrier and hungrier

"you're so fucking sexy I can't stop myself" he muttered directly into my ear and slid his hand down to my pussy

"haven't you had enough yet?"

"I never get enough, doll".

________________________________

#hyunjin stray kids #hyunjin skz #hyunjin #stray kids reactions #stray kids imagines #skz imagines #kpop scenarios #kpop reactions #smut #smut kpop #hwang hyunjin #bang chan #changbin #felix stray kids #han jisung #i.n stray kids #lee know #kpop #seungmin #hyunjin smut #stray kids smut

[kwillow]

Ambroys basking in his cache of gifts and sweet words from secret admirers. Gotta be careful, though. If his ego is inflated any more, he'll pop.

(I wanted to doodle something to accompany a post answering some messages regarding this candy-colored cad but got a bit carried away. :P Well regardless, asks under the cut!)

Why thank you! He would drunkenly insult people, though he tends to be more passive-aggressive and backhanded rather than outright insulting - well, most of the time, anyway. He thinks he's a lot more subtle in his derogatory comments than he actually is.

Aaaw, this is too sweet!

Older Ambroys is much more reserved about seeking and accepting physical affection than his younger self, for myriad reasons (that one day I will expound upon in more detail, fate willing). He still enjoys it, though.

He's still proud of the stars on his cheeks and the gold in his hair and all that, but the signs of age are something he is not at peace with. For some, like the wrinkles, they're a sign that his time on this earth is finite - and death terrifies him. For others, like his paunch, it's more just embarrassing to him in a more mundane and vain "I was voted Prom King in high school and I was on the Varsity track team now look at me I'm an old man boo hoo hoo" type of way (though he's actually more physically adept in his older age than he was when he was younger for Magical Heritage Bullshit reasons, the sentiment remains).

As for your question, it's totally fine with me for Ambroys to be portrayed as non-heterosexual in fanfic or fanart or one's secret imaginings. Even though all of his "canon" love interests are women, I wouldn't rule out of the possibility of him developing affections for someone who isn't a woman. Chase your bliss!

Haha well both furry and aasimar Ambroys would bask in the attention, though poor aasimar Ambroys' jealousy is not going to be helped!

No shame on being a furry though. I didn't consider myself one either but I feel like it's harder to make the argument that I'm not given the sheer number of ponies I've drawn by now...

He would accept this, so long as you don't mess up his hair.

He would say: "good!" I would say "don't waste your life on him!"

Oh he would be pleased to be so distracting, I'm sure.

And sometimes we can't help but to have a type... I know I seem to have a thing for rich effete douchebags with buck teeth and big pointy noses... not quite sure what's up with that.

Yessss... yesssssssss... or perhaps I should say "I'm sorry."

I didn't mean to make him this way... I guess I underestimated the power of a brushable mane.

Ambroys DOES like being worshipped (way too much and way too literally, as you might be able to tell) but he wants to have his imperfections hidden if he can!

He's just horribly, horribly vain and unwilling to let go of his youth... even though he got to enjoy being youthful for three times as long as a mortal would.

YES that song is on his playlist (which I have for all my main characters because I'm a dork). It's just too perfect. One of the many ideas on my miles-long to do list has to do with depicting a scene from that song. The trouble is that it has to do with dancing, and boy am I not very good at drawing dancing poses. xD Oh well, gotta try for the boy!

Heh well I think we could agree that a normal horse probably couldn't pull off the breeches he wears quite so well... I'm flattered that you think of him when you see horsies in the flesh! Huzzah, I've ruined one of the Earth's beautiful creatures for you! >:)

Oh wow, my guy is stepping out of my brain and into other people's subconsciouses... I need to put a leash on him. :P But this was a fun read!

It's very in character Ambroys to try to undercut a rival's self-esteem by framing it as something OTHER people say, but oh no, he'd NEVER say something like that, of course. Mean girl behavior. He does have friends that don't actually like him - and he doesn't like them either. But one needs to have friends for appearance's sake - just one more accessory, really!

OKAY, I think that's everything! Or at least enough for this post, ahah.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words on my not-so-kind character.

Unlike him, I'm really humbled and grateful by the positive reception he's received. I deeply appreciate your kind messages... even when it takes me eons to reply to them, gah.

#my draws #ambroys #amaranthine #asks #technically? #furry #unicorn #some of these are months old i'm so sorry Dx #my excuse this time is that I have what I fear is an RSI developing in my wrist/arm #so I'm trying to limit drawing/typing #alas... just can't catch a break between work and the limits of my weak human form

[circuscountdowns]

Hi! Wanted to start off by saying that I LOVE your cotl art its such a huge inspiration to me :D! I recently picked up drawing again and I've unfortunately been upset? envious?! of others' skills and just wanted to ask if you ever experienced this as a fellow artist and if so how do you not do that lol. Sorry for the weird question. I just thought some insight and advice from a fellow artist could helo. BUT I hope you still have a nice day and look forward to any more cotl art or anything you draw really :D!!! (also is okay if you don't answer it is a loaded question I just be in a silly goofy mood lately okay bye!)

oh wow being on the receiving end of a question like this is surreal, I’m honored my work inspires you! Thank u, you’re sweet, it’s not a loaded question at all! Here’s my long reply sorry

so unfortunately that comparing yourself to others thing doesn’t go away ever asdfgjkl. I suffer it every day, it sucks, feels bad. I’ve had industry people tell me they feel this way and they’ll have some of the most gorgeous visdev/boards/animation I’ve ever seen. Disheartening to hear, But! I’m a big believer that comparing your artworks with others is best used as a tool and not a punishment to yourself!

When looking at art you like, try to turn thoughts of, “Man I wish my stuff looked like that, my shit sucks,” to, “What is it that I like about this piece? The line art? The perspective?” Sometimes I’ll see work with thin line art and I’ll get an itch, and I’ll draw something with thin line art. It’s a conscious effort of keepin emotion out of that itch, keeping it as, “I saw art with thin lines, I want to do that. Yay I did that!” Compartmentalize it, the itch was simply to do thin line work, not to remake the piece you were inspired by. And you got a piece of art out of it, and a single piece is progress no matter how small!

If you want to compare, do it methodically! Why does my work look different (never use the words better or worse)! Oh, I see my piece doesn’t follow the rule of thirds, so the framing is different, I’ll be aware of that next time if it bothers me. Or, Oh I see they shade by hatching along with the form, I’ve just been going horizontally, I’ll try that other way!

it’s a learning curve of training yourself, like all corrective behavior.

like, I kinda have the warning feeling of dread when I’m about to compare my work with something, so before the self-deprecating thought can even start I have to think What do I Like about this?

I’m no expert at it, though. Actually getting myself to think this way is a struggle, but I find when I make Thoughtful Observations I level up. Not by a lot most times, but yknow.

and this part is just my personal experience:

Fanart and the internet can be the biggest Art skill killer sometimes. Get offline and cater to the audience that Really matters to your passion: You! I improved the most by spending 2-3 years doing doodles/comics/models for my dnd campaign ocs because I was that obsessed and I simply wanted to have it for me!

and after all that, then there’s the hardest skill of just accepting your work as is.

like, to me, my work is just scribbles. I see other artists’ stuff and go “Man they’re so good at comics and colors, man, why can’t I color?” But do I need to??? I don’t like coloring, do I need to be good at it? This isn’t a career, this is supposed to be fun! I scribble because I like it! I’m glad this persons good at coloring, I don’t need to be! Yay!

if I Want to be good at it, I’ll take the steps to get there! But if not, my scribbles are just fine :) I love black and white and values

I’ve been having that one on repeat for a while. It helps

(acceptance and denial go hand in hand btw lol they sound the same)

I wish there was a little off button for envy, but ah well! I hope that you take comfort in knowing we are all feeling it, and find joy in even the smallest little doodle you make! Have fun stay goofy!

#I wrote this in part so it might be a rambly mess. #I have a difficult relationship with art after 5 years of college for it. Cotl has been helping me find ways to love art again. #ty for liking my work!

[snow-143]

Water Coloured Tears | Jeon Jungkook

two- drunk call (0.9k words)

*JJUNGKOOK requested to follow you*

I wish I could say I didn't already know he had unfollowed me all those month ago, but the truth is I knew as soon as he did. Stalker alert. 

'Girl, what is up with your vibe today?' Looking to my left I meet eyes with Lisa. My one acception to my rule of not involving myself with anything to do with Jungkook. Mostly because she doesn't care about the bullshit him and his friends get into. 

She's the epitome of the 'cool girl'. Never Giving a fuck about drama outside of her and never involving herself in gossip. Everyone admires her, I sometimes debate why she even bothers with me. Opposites attract I suppose. 

She's loosely involved with his group of friends, from the little that I've got out of her she thinks they're too much to be around on the regular. 

'Ughhh. Okay, but don't laugh at me. It's really stressing me out.' How can I even ask her that when I feel stupid myself?

'I can't promise anything, but I'll try my very best.' Her tone is light. She's proven to me already that she'll always be there for me, even if she does think my predicament is trivial, if it's causing me stress she'll be there. That's what I love so much about her, she doesn't need to understand to be empathetic.  

'You know that massive project I have that will literally last like half of the year? I got partnered up with Jungkook.' 

'Jungkook as in the Jungkook who shattered your heart into a million little pieces and never looked back?' Her expression might've been the driest I've ever seen it.

'First of all, ouch. Second of all, no the Jungkook who magically just appeared that no ones ever heard of.' It's said in the same tone she used, just slightly more sarcastic. 

'Damn there's a mysterious new boy? Is he cute?' At this point I can't even tell if she's joking. Looking far interested at the idea.

'Girl please be serious. I don't know what to do.' 

'Just switch partners or something, your professors chill.' Sighing, I explain exactly why I cant do just that.

'Damn. Well looks like you're fucked.' 

'Exactly my thought.'

---------------------------

3am. That's when I receive the message from him, asking if I was busy tomorrow, Or that's what I think It's meant to say. From his grammar I can tell he's drunk. That catches me off guard, who in their right mind thinks about school work when they're drunk. 

What confuses me more though is the way my heart drops to my arse. Sure, I was expecting the message but not at 3am on a Friday night. While he's drunk might I add. God this boy is strange.

I stare at the message for what feels like an eternity, I know he can see that I've saw it but it's like I'm in a trance. My phone screaming out it's annoying ring tone snaps me right out of it. 

If I was shocked before I don't even know how to describe this feeling. 

Answering the call comes far too easily, like he never stopped calling me.

'Jungkook?' 

'You answered.' It's a gentle whisper, I almost didn't hear it. 'I didn't think you'd answer, but you answered.' His words, his tone, send a shooting pain straight into my heart. He sounds so relieved. As if all he's ever needed was for me to accept this one call. 

'I answered.' Is all I can manage to force out of my mouth and he's giggling. An uncontrollable giggle. How does one react to that? How do I possibly respond to this boy giggling down the line. 

Turns out the only response I have is a sore laugh. Sore but real, a real laugh because what even is this? What is he doing?

The line is silent on his side now, I'm beginning to conclude that he's fallen asleep in his drunken haze when he finally begins to talk again, 'So... are you busy tomorrow?'

'No. No, I'm not.' We're still whispering. I can't tell if it's because he doesn't want anyone to know who he's talking to or because he doesn't want to scare me off. Either way, I know which one it is for me.  

'Perfect! Meet me at the campus café at two.' He's perked up now, his voice raising an octave or two. A smile evident in his voice.

'I'll be there.' I can't help but smile too. 

The line goes quite, once again. 

'Y/n?' His voice is a delicate lull again. Breathy almost.

'Yes?'

'I'm sorry.' 

'It's okay.' It's not okay, though. I'm not okay. He's not okay and I don't forgive him. I'll never forgive him. Not after how much he hurt me. I want to say it, to scream it, but I don't. 

Preferring to let the gentleness of it all to stay intact. Leaving my unspoken words screaming into the abyss. 

It's deafeningly quite, I'm half expecting him to break the silence again. 

That is until I start to hear his soft snores. I don't hang up. I've missed this too much to give it up now. My ego might be bruised for being so weak, but I've never been more content. 

Curling into my blanket I cling onto my lone teddy, the one he bought me when we we're 16. It's a pathetic stand in for what I wish I was holding, but it's all I have.

Falling asleep to the sound of his breathing is far to easy. Normally my brain is clouded by thoughts but tonight non come, and as much as I hate to admit it, that is the best I've slept since the night he left.

prev | m.list | next

—————

a/n: reminder to everyone to never call/ text someone you dont talk to anymore while drunk (or at all tbh). life is NOT a fanfic (unfortunately)

#books #bts non idol au #bts x reader #fanfic #bts angst #bts college au #bts fanfic #jeon jungkook #bts #bts army #bts art au #bts fluff #bts comfort #bts jungkook #college au #artist au #kpop fanfic #bts fanfction #bts fan fiction #bts smut #smut

[tanadrin]

"fairly suicidal" anon again. This kind of got away from me and ended up significantly longer than intended. Apologies for that, and if it's too long/involved/whatever to read that's genuinely totally fine. (Which is to say: please do not think you have some kind of obligation or I will be Extra Suicidal if you don't respond or whatever. I've got at least a couple more years or one more massive life-wrecking trauma left in me.)

I think your response is pretty typical of people who are, at baseline, pretty happy and optimistic, and I'm sure there are people who haven't heard its like before and would benefit from it, but.... let's be honest that's kind of a generic autocomplete response, and in my experience it tends to come from people who can't or don't really model serious depression well. My model of the perspective you are coming from is something like: It would be terrible for the things I'm saying to be true, and they don't feel true to you, so surely they must not be true for anyone-- you don't want the world to be one where those things are true, and sometimes they are untrue, so, therefore, they're probably untrue basically all the time forever. Unfortunately. I'm aware that 40 years is a decent length of time. I'm aware that my perspective is fallible and limited-- this is the primary reason why I haven't seriously tried to kill myself!. However, looking at how the past 30+ years have gone does not fill me with optimism. In particular the past 15 or so years, where I've technically had the most autonomy, I just kind of... barely existed. I am still trying things to get out of the hole but this really could easily just continue until I die. It is an extremely possible outcome that I spend my entire life wishing it was either worth living or over already, and eventually it reaches "over already." I kept expecting that I'd surely snap out of it eventually, year after year, no one can spend that long in this kind of state, right? And then 15 years passed and I simply did not. It is not unrealistic to believe that that could happen 3 more times.

"Every day you are alive in the world, you have the opportunity to find pleasure" rings really hollow when my physiological capacity to experience pleasure and happiness is extremely minimal and has been tangibly shrinking for as long as I've been a conscious human being. It feels tone-deaf. I know what my baseline looks like. It is not good. If I was guaranteed to die tomorrow, then having lived my life will have unequivocally been worse for me than not having lived it at all, and it will have been objectively a mistake that I didn't pull the plug when I was 12 and first having suicidal thoughts.

If, upon turning 80, I figured out how to have a life that was just barely worth living, and then died a year later, that does not actually undo the years of unhappiness before that, and that is still a life that was, on net, not worth living.

My impression is that people coming from your perspective have brains that just fully shut down when considering this prospect-- that you fall into the trap where you believe that even one second of a-life-worth-living is worth any amount of suffering endured to get to that point. It might help to imagine a person who experiences one single year of a life worth living, followed by 80 years of a life full of incredible misery, and then dies.

The me who exists now matters; the hypothetical-unlikely-certainly-not-guaranteed future version of myself who is marginally glad they exist doesn't just automatically get to trump all of that just because that's sad to think about.

Yes, there is no one life "track" but there certainly are circumstances more or less prone to granting happiness-predicting things like enough money to live on, autonomy, fulfillment, etc. Again, there is no rule saying this current status of being perpetually unable to get my feet under me has to end. I have spent the actual majority of my life like this.

Being unable to get a job that pays enough to live on without also making me want to die (more) does in fact hinge pretty strongly on being able to get that special insanely expensive little piece of paper. It is the cost of entry for the vast majority of non-horrible jobs, that is just what the system looks like in the US. (please do not tell me "oh just learn to code!" If I was capable of doing that I would have done it). The material conditions of my life obviously aren't that bad in objective terms given that I'm capable of using my time to send messages on the internet (if they were much worse I would have pulled the plug years ago) so it feels meaningful that I still manage to be so miserable despite that, and plausible that improving them would not help even if it were possible.

There just... there is actually such a thing as a downward spiral where the baseline becomes worse and incremental improvements become progressively harder and more fleeting, as much as it is sad to think about. Sometimes you accumulate damage and get both farther from your goal and worse at making progress towards it, and it just keeps happening. The brain is a physical object that can, sometimes, Just Get Worse. One instance of trauma can make it harder to recover from the next instance of trauma that comes along, and so on. I am still trying, clearly, and I'm clinging to the idea that lots of weird unexpected stuff can happen, but "just hope for a miracle to happen such that these patterns completely reverse against all odds" is... at minimum that's a huge ask. Please recognize it for what it is.

I'm not really looking for answers or anything here (I wasn't before either tbc, I just thought it was interesting how different my opinion apparently was compared with other extremely depressed people), but I tend to really chafe at what feels like clueless forced positivity from people who Really Don't Seem To Get It, and I hope this information will, idk, provide a potentially novel perspective. Or maybe it won't! Sorry again that it was so long.

i've spent a big chunk of my life dealing with depression. i know it pretty well actually. and if i've won any insight from that, it's that in depression we very often exactly misconstrue the causal axis of our thoughts. we think things like, "i am worthless -> therefore i am depressed." but our feelings shape how we think about ourselves and the world; even things which seem like incontrovertible and inarguably facts turn out to be a product of our rumination: "i was depressed -> therefore i felt worthless."

i know this feels like a platitude. i know when you are depressed saying something like "nobody is worthless" or "it's never too late" feels like somebody blowing rainbows up your ass, some hippy dippy shit that doesn't mean anything. but as someone who has frequently felt worthless, and has frequently felt that they have fucked up their life beyond repair, who has seen other people going through it and come out the other side, i'm telling you: as a matter of both personal experience and accumulated knowledge about the world, "nobody is worthless" and "it is never too late" is not a platitude. it is a rational, reasoned judgement i have been won over to, and which i am totally convinced of. i offer it, not as a panacaea (we cannot reason ourselves or be cajoled out of depression; the thoughts are subsequent to the feelings!), but as (hopefully) the very mildest of analgesics.

i'm not a negative utilitarian. i don't think you can take all the bad and good things that happen to a person, assign them a numerical score, and subtract one from the other to determine whether their life was worth it after all. reading about rare medical abnormalities on wikipedia is itself sufficient to convince one there are certainly short lives full of nothing but pain. and observing people dying of degenerative diseases is enough to why there are points at which people make the rational decision not to continue living. but i also know that there are people who have convinced themselves their life is not worth living, because the pain of allowing themselves to be hopeful again, only to have to deal with crushing disappointment, makes it more reassuring to abandon hope altogether. and i have known people so trapped in the teeth of their suffering, they are unable even to do the one thing that may bring them some relief, until they make the conscious choice to believe that that feeling of despair is not in fact a reliable guide to truth.

we prefer certainty to hope; the sure knowledge we are doomed is often cognitively a lighter load than the uncertain possibility of future happiness. but i think it's worth it to keep hope alive. not because i am a sunny optimist who has never felt miserable, but because i have lost days, weeks, months, years to the blackest despair. i have spent many an hour carefully ruminating on the very clear and inarguably true things that made me feel that way, carefully laying out why life was not worth living and maybe never would be, specifically debunking all the bullshit people told me to try to counsel me out of my depression. and that feeling that was ironclad certainty in my mind at the time is, looking back, like a fading mirage. one should always at least consider the possibility that what feels to us like an immutable truth of our life is less substantial than it seems.

#nobody who knows me irl would accuse me of being at baseline 'happy and optimistic' #so i found that characterization pretty funny

[goodnightmemes]

MOCKINGJAY - PART TWO (2015) SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ My family hasn't come to see me. ❜

❛ You can't trust her! She's a monster! ❜

❛ I wanna help the rebels in any way I can. ❜

❛ That's not [name]. ❜

❛ I don't stand a chance if he doesn't get better. You'll never let him go. ❜

❛ That's like kissing someone who's drunk. Doesn't count. ❜

❛ I guess there are no rules anymore about what a person can do to another person. ❜

❛ We took heavy losses. ❜

❛ You think of it like a wolf den. You're not gonna fight your way in, so you've got two choices. You trap the wolves inside, or you flush 'em out. ❜

❛ There's gotta be a better way. ❜

❛ Even if those civilians are just moppin' floors, they're helping the enemy. And if they have to die, I can live with that. ❜

❛ With that kinda thinking, you can kill whoever you want. ❜

❛ Sometimes killing isn't personal. Figured if anyone knew that, it was you. ❜

❛ I, of all people, know that it's always personal. ❜

❛ Give me one reason I shouldn't shoot you. ❜

❛ I guess that's the problem, isn't it? We each have every reason to want to kill each other. So if you wanna kill me, do it. ❜

❛ I am done being a piece in his game. ❜

❛ These people are not your enemy. ❜

❛ He corrupts everyone and everything. He turns the best of us against each other. Stop killing for him. ❜

❛ You have a habit of burying people before they're dead. ❜

❛ We toasted a glorious era coming to its bitter end. ❜

❛ Oh, that speech you gave. Oh, man, feel - I mean, I still have goosebumps. ❜

❛ What about you? You feeling totally safe? ❜

❛ So what are your injuries? ❜

❛ I mean, it's everybody's job to keep you alive. ❜

❛ Is that why you hate me? ❜

❛ Feel free to take any of this personally. ❜

❛ They messed us up pretty good, didn't they? ❜

❛ He's strapped down. He can't hurt you. ❜

❛ It doesn't matter what you want. It's for [name]. ❜

❛ I watched you die. ❜

❛ I was never the nice one. You were. ❜

❛ Why would I take a beating like that for you? ❜

❛ [name] says that everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. ❜

❛ People said you loved me. ❜

❛ We're very familiar with each other's screams. ❜

❛ I'm going to kill [name]. Nothing good is safe while he's alive. ❜

❛ He needs to see my eyes when I kill him. ❜

❛ Anybody can kill anybody. Even a president. You just have to be willing to sacrifice yourself. ❜

❛ This isn't just adolescent, it's insubordination. ❜

❛ From what I see here, we've already made history. But history doesn't stop to celebrate. And we're facing an enemy that will not change and will never surrender.❜

❛ If we die, let it be for a cause and not a spectacle. ❜

❛ I know when you're gonna go off on your own. You gonna leave me behind, too? ❜

❛ You'll do whatever you're ordered to do, soldier. It's not your job to ask questions.❜

❛ In the event of capture, you'll be given a nightlock pill. A poison that acts immediately. ❜

❛ If it really came down to it, you think you could shoot him? ❜

❛ I'm plannin' for you to have a long life. ❜

❛ I've seen that look. You're trying to decide whether or not you should kill me. ❜

❛ I'm sorry. I just can't tell what's real and what's made up anymore. ❜

❛ This is a bad spot. We need to move now. ❜

❛ So now that we're dead, what are we gonna do? ❜

❛ It's only a matter of time before I snap again. I'm not in control. ❜

❛ If it gets to that point, I'll kill you myself. ❜

❛ Nobody knows we're alive. This is our chance. ❜

❛ Look at me. We're gonna get through this. I promise. ❜

❛ You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real? ❜

❛ That's what you and I do. Keep each other alive. ❜

❛ Stay with me. ❜

❛ Everyone that's dead is dead because of me. ❜

❛ I never meant for this to happen. I failed. I... I killed them. ❜

❛ If you end all of this, all those deaths, they mean something. ❜

❛ I have moments when I'm here. And my memories are getting better, but other times it's like I'm sleepwalking. ❜

❛ We got one shot. Let's make it count. ❜

❛ Let me come with you, okay? I can be a good distraction. ❜

❛ If I see you again, it's gonna be a different world. ❜

❛ I was hoping you'd find your way here. There are so many things we should discuss. ❜

❛ We both know I'm not above killing children. But I'm not wasteful. I take life for specific reasons. ❜

❛ I'm afraid we've both been played for fools. ❜

❛ Oh, my dear. I thought we'd agreed never to lie to each other. ❜

❛ You never came to see me. ❜

❛ All I know is that I was supposed to take care of your family. Now I'm sorry I couldn't. ❜

❛ Thirst for blood is a difficult urge to satisfy. ❜

❛ We need to stop viewing each other as enemies. ❜

❛ I'll say this for you, you don't disappoint. ❜

❛ You were exactly who I believed you were. ❜

❛ I'm sorry so much burden fell on you. I know you'll never escape it. But if I had to put you through it again for this outcome, I would. ❜

❛ I couldn't let you go without a proper goodbye. ❜

❛ We've all suffered so much. But we owe it to their memories and to our children to do our best with these lives. ❜

❛ You love me. Real or not real? ❜

#rp meme #sentence starter meme #sentence starters #rp sentence meme #roleplay prompts #roleplay meme #rp prompt #rp memes #inbox meme #*movie #*thg

[astra-nomy]

how to get over the belief that you "can't shift" ☆ (getting rid of limiting beliefs)

HI THERE MY BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL STARS! I know it's been a while since I made an original post but I wanted to stop by because I've been getting increasingly more questions about this both from people on here and people in my real life. I actually enlisted help from @my-reality-my-rules for one of my friends and she was very helpful. I wanted to just come on here and make a little step by step list of how I would go about dissolving limiting beliefs.

I actually have had to do this before with one belief: I realized a good way into my shifting journey that I believed that shifting is real, but I didn't believe that I could do it. That it was a me problem, essentially. So here are the steps I took to kinda reframe that mindset and work on getting rid of that belief!

i. Identify your limiting belief

This is obviously very important—this can just be a self-reflection type thing, or you can ask your spirit guides. @alexaprentiss on Tik Tok I think I made a video about this (we all know how I feel about getting info from Tik Tok but I like this one) where you lie/sit down, get comfy, take some deep breaths, and when you feel that your mind is pretty clear, you ask yourself, "Why am I not shifting?" or "What's stopping me from getting what I want?" and the first thing that pops in your head is your answer. Repeat this as many times as you need to get a clear answer. Sometimes they require a little sleuthing—for example, a friend of mine got the word "fear," and she took some time to decipher that it meant she had a deep-rooted fear of getting hurt in her DR (it's a Marvel DR, so I think it's about, you know, the violence n stuff) and she had to change up her script a bit in accordance with that.

For me, I figured out my limiting belief before I saw that Tik Tok. I was just kinda reminiscing one day and kinda wondering what was stopping me or what was so hard about it, and it kinda just popped into my head that I didn't think I could do it. I knew that I believed in shifting as a concept but I didn't believe that I personally could do it. And it was kinda revolutionary for me? That's when I worked on figuring out the root of the problem and adopting a mindset that challenged that belief.

ii. try to understand why you have that specific belief—it can give you your solution

A lot of our limiting beliefs stem from other, more foundational beliefs. For example, mine came from the fact that I tend to overthink everything I do. Whether it's singing or acting, I tend to get in my own way and self sabotage. A common theme in my life is that I surprise myself with my own abilities when I don't think. So understanding why exactly I had this limiting belief led me to understand how I could fix it.

Try to understand why that limiting belief exists. If you got into shifting from its early Tik Tok days, you may believe it's hard because everyone treated it like it was a freaking battle back then. Then, once you understand that, you can take steps towards convincing yourself that it's easy.

iii. understand that it is just a belief, not facts

This is something that took me so long to recognize! Your limiting beliefs are just that—beliefs. They are not facts. Beliefs can be changed and modified if you have the will and determination, facts cannot. So don't look at your limiting beliefs as immovable roadblocks, look at them instead as little cuts that you need to take steps to heal. Don't be intimidated by them because even on your worst days you are infinitely stronger than them. The human mind can overcome so much, you can deal with a limiting belief or two.

iv. challenge it!

Once you've identified the belief and know why it's there, you can take steps to get rid of it. You can go about this however you want, but you really want your goal to be severing whatever emotional bond you may have with these limiting beliefs. Anytime you feel yourself slipping into that thinking that your limiting belief creates, cut it off as soon as you recognize it.

Use affirmations, visualize, hell you can even manifest a new belief thru the lullaby method (I like doing that one). Just do whatever you can to show that limiting belief who's the boss.

There you go! I hope this can help you guys out and help you to remove your limiting beliefs! Remember that absolutely nothing can stop you from shifting and you are the key to your success. Go shift by lovely stars!

Xx, Astra

#shifting #reality shifting #limiting beliefs #manifesting #manifestation #desired reality

[divine-crows]

Grimoire/Bos Prompts or Research Topics for the Witch that Doesn’t Know What To Do Next

(Pt. 1/ ?) 

Okay so, I've been working on gathering information for a couple of years now. (On and off for 4 years probably a little less because I procrastinate), and just now I've gotten an official book to put all of my information in since prior to that I just had loose leafs of paper that I'd stash away at random, and google docs filled with information (which I recommend. It helped me let go of the stress of messing up and helps when you need to edit and add information. I still use my doc as a way to add stuff and as an on-the-go grimoire).

I've practically stuffed this grimoire with everything I've gathered and refined, and this has lead me to reach an impasse where I don't quite know what to do next. Not a lot of BoS or Grimoire prompts are geared towards people that have the basics written down, but don’t know what to do next, so I'll make a short list of stuff I've brainstormed.

Note: These prompts aren't all going to be specific things to do research on, a lot of it is inspired by Molly Roberts on YouTube because I love prompts and ideas that may not be necessarily witchy, but can be when in the context of where it is. These prompts and research topics also are not mine by any means and I’ll reiterate it often because I want people to make these ideas their own. 

- What being a witch means to you. This can include why you decided to use witch as a label for yourself, your specific practice, why you got into it, how it affects your life and it's importance, etc.

- how your religion (or if non-religious, any of your beliefs or theories you support) works alongside your craft. Do you feel a need to separate the two? Do you treat them like they're always together? Are there any specific scenarios where you use the two hand-in-hand? Talk about it.

- Entity and/or spirit Guide! Make a section dedicated to entities and spirits in your area, how you (or others) found them, if you think you know what/who they are, or if you aren't sure what it could be. This can open up great opportunities for you to study new things. I myself have been planning on doing it since my town has a lot of ghosts, and I've had plenty of interactions with entities that I don't know of (ex. some seem like the fair folk, but due to the origins of people that lived in my town it's unlikely, or they have one trait that reminds me of an entity I know of but the rest of their traits are nothing like it).

- energy/magic map. This can be used in multiple ways! Map out the energy and vibes you feel when you're in other places, or map out the energy you felt during a spell/ritual, or maybe even there's a song that just speaks to you and you want to show the flow of energy the song makes you feel. How you show this flow is up to you and your experience! Maybe you have synesthesia and you want to explore how that mixes with your experience with the flow of energy in music ( or just in general) go for it!

- any personal ideas or concepts. This might be candle etiquette, or maybe you personally don't say the name of certain entities or deities for specific reasons. Maybe there's something you do that you don't see a lot of people mention in media. Write it down! You never know when you'll come across something and go "...wait a minute" and then you can flip through your Grimoire/BoS and go "oh! Right, that's just a personal belief/uncommon concept so that might be why it isn't in here." Now. This does not mean stealing from other cultures and claiming you believed in it all along. And it doesn't mean disrespecting any basic rules of etiquette.

- if there's items you see and you have an inexplicable pull to, document it! Talk about the energies they had. What they were and looked like. If you bought it or not. This can help you in the future when it comes to incorporating items. Sometimes I find out that an item I bought because its "vibes were interesting" can actually be repurposed and I always feel proud afterwards because my intuition knew all along.

- do certain places or situations make you feel a little bit more magical than you usually do? Make a list of those places (and if you want to add a description of them!) Sometimes when I'm not feeling 100% with my craft just visiting those places makes me feel better.

- Information about where you’re from or where you currently live, and how this place applies to your practice. I’ve seen at least one or two people do this with their grimoire’s and it’s a great idea. It doesn’t have to be an extensive history either, for me, I just focused on the state I live in and I added basic information that I felt belonged there. I also included some common folklore of the area.  

- - - 

I'll add on more as I brainstorm them. These ideas and concepts are not mine and a lot have probably been done already. Have fun with them! Reblog with more ideas (I'll definitely reblog ones with ideas I like)

#Book of shadows #Grimoire #BoS #Witch #Witchy #Witchcraft #bos prompt #grimoire prompts #bos prompts #grimoire prompt #witch research #magic research #witchblr #witches of tumblr #magic #grimoire inspiration #grimoire ideas #book of shadows #bos ideas #bos inspiration

[pebblysand]

Heyyyy im dying for an update on castles!! Any hope of getting one soon?😭💗

hi anon! thanks for your message! the tl;dr answer to this is: no.

or, i don't know. maybe? sigh. it's just been a lot lately.

it's a funny one, you know? most of you will not remember this, but there used to be a time when i would share (maybe overshare - is that a word? i've always wondered why that is a word when it's your platform and your rules and people can just choose to ignore you) on tumblr. not just about fics and writing and peaky blinders, but also about me. the stuff i felt. the stuff that was going on in my life. lots of things.

i grew up in an era of blogging and livejournal (seeing dreamwidth make a comeback lately is oh-so-bizarre, btw) where people opened up online - sometimes too much. this was before doxxing, before cancel culture, before it became dangerous to do so. people would complain about their jobs, their mates - the internet was an outlet. and, i don't know if it was better or worse, i'm not here to make value judgements and i've always thought people who say "things were better in my day" sound like absolute twats, but it was undoubtedly different. i've had this conversation with someone on discord lately, about the dreamwidth comeback actually, when this person said: 'people get real personal on there, though' and i was like: 'yeah, i suppose it's just the culture of the place.' a place where, unlike tumblr and everything that came after it, most of the content produced was through words, rather than images. when the internet was still made for writers and you weren't afraid of "clogging" someone's dash with posts that were too long to be digested in less than ten seconds.

the thing is: i like writing. it makes it easier to organise thoughts. and, up to 2020 (2021, even) i used to post monthly updates on my writing, but also about my life, for you. remember how i told you when i passed my bar exam? how i quit my job, found another job, and then another one. i told you about the boy and hinted at my break-up. i told you about how one of my best friends sank into a very toxic relationship, from which i couldn't save her. i told you when my dad died. it wasn't even that long ago. and, i explained to you that for these reasons, and maybe others, i didn't have a chapter out as early as i would have liked. and, you understood. you were kept up with what was going on. it was the pandemic and a different time.

but then, gradually (oh-so-quickly and oh-so-slowly), "you" became "many." i like that word - "many" - it's what my hairdresser said the first time she cut my hair: "they are very fine, but there are very, very, many of them." i suppose that between the first chapter of castles and the latest, my follower count grew into the hundreds and i got - well, scared. scared to share: what i thought, why i wasn't posting, how much or how little i was writing, how i was feeling. because there were too many of you. because i started to hold myself up to higher standards, too.

the truth is that no one wants to listen to anyone on the internet complain. it's not fun. and, specifically, no one wants to listen to fanfiction writers complain. why would they? why would they moan about how busy they are? about how creatively drained they might be? about how maintaining a healthy balance between real life, a job, and writing, is hard, if you do it seriously. because it's a hobby. because it's not "real" writing. because it doesn't matter.

well, anon, i'll tell you something. the voice in my head, it goes like this: why are you tired? it's just fanfiction. stop taking yourself and your little stupid story so seriously. stop thinking this is Important because you're writing about something you feel is important. no one cares. and: you only wrote 80,000 words last year, people write full-blown nanos in a month, calm down. it's not that bad, you don't have children. it's not that bad, you don't have dying parents. it's not that bad, you have money. you're a white cis privileged girl who can afford to spend her free time on writing because you don't have to work multiple paying jobs to foot the bills. so many people do. people who are much busier than you write a lot more than you do. shut up, what are you crying about? why are you responding to this poor anon with anything other than "soon, i hope." they weren't even mean about it.

and, i like the word "many" because it encompasses the realness of it, the repetition of it. many, many, many. it's less theoretical than "a lot". you can't say: a lot, a lot, a lot. it's morning as i write this, irish drizzle blown in by the wind against my window, thin droplets like static and i wonder: could i isolate thirty thousand? count up to thirty thousand little drops of rain against glass and imagine what that would look like as people. that's a small stadium, isn't it? and, it's also almost how many people have clicked on castles, in the past three years. it's also how many people, in my head, are telling me to just suck it up and write the next chapter. it's been a month already, hasn't it?

to tell you the truth, i still overshare with some people. there's a very small discord i'm on which is more like a group chat with my best internet friends. it's a lot of fun. and, i'm not going to tag them here for fear that you might come at them with pitchforks, but after i was explaining this to them, how exhausted and drained and lost i've been feeling lately, i had some, last week, tell me i should just give up castles. just stop, recharge, take care of myself. it's just a fic, it doesn't matter. let it go, you know?

so, yeah. you read that right, anon dearest. people who i really love, and trust, told me i should put your beloved on an indefinite hiatus and move on with my life. how's that for an update? and, they didn't say it in a "this is a bad fic and it's not worth continuing" kind of way, but in a "it's not worth working yourself into the ground" kind of way. in a "fanfiction is a hobby" kind of way.

i typically count years from september to august (i'm still in school, in my head, sue me) and this past one has been long and hard. for reasons that i won't explain because of the "very many" issue i mentioned above. for reasons that i also won't explain because as i also mentioned above, i can't help but always compare myself to people who have it worse. but, the fact of the matter is that whilst i'm not really asking for sympathy, i do want to say this, as i hope it will help provide a bit of context to how i'm feeling right now, in terms of writing.

anon dearest, i'm exhausted. i'm bored. i'm turning thirty in 24 days. i'm sick and tired of putting everything in my life on hold "until i finish castles". i would estimate that right now (and for the past three years) castles has eaten up about 75% of my free time. i think the first couple years, i didn't really mind. because it was the pandemic. because there wasn't much else i wanted to do. but now, when i see my friends, i try to schedule it on weekday evenings because i want to keep my weekends for writing. when i travel at the weekends, take holidays, do anything that will take me more than a couple hours, it's a compromise made against writing time. a compromise i often feel guilty about because it delays the next update and because ultimately, it delays the moment when i do finish castles. when i am able to move on to something else. move on with my life and also maybe another story of my own.

these past few months, i wrote almost every day from late march until last week because i knew i'd be going home to france in august and wouldn't be able to write there, so i needed to get ahead. everything in my life is planned around writing and updating and i'm a little bit burnt out, anon. it's typical summer me, nothing to really worry about, i felt the same last year (those who were already here will remember) but it doesn't make it suck less. and, that's why people are telling me to give up. because i keep getting stuck in this cycle of overworking myself, getting burnt out, taking a month off and diving back in again. it's fanfiction and it's a hobby and it's meant to be fun and it's just not fun anymore. it feels endless and draining and like a vampire eating my "good" years. time my mates are spending getting married and having children. and, even if i don't think that's what i want for myself, precisely, i still don't feel like the life i'm currently living is one i want to be living in five years' time.

i don't want to be exhausted. i don't want to be working all the time. this groundhog day of getting up, opening up my (work, or personal) laptop, deliveroo-ing my meals, working until 9:30 pm, and repeat. i have seven chapters left to go to the end, which will take 12 to 18 months, and i don't think i can go on like this for another year. i don't want to. something's gotta give: my IRL life, my job, or this "hobby", and it is logical (oh-so-logical) that it should be the latter.

and, yet. when my pocket friends suggested this, i came at them with pitchforks. i said: no. no, no, no, no. i can't give up. i don't want to give up. i love this story. it's unnerving and draining and exhausting, but haven't touched it for a week and i already miss it - it's crazy. and, it's true: it's not fun, but writing, to me, has never been "fun". it's: fulfilling, exhilarating, meaningful, it gives me the chills and a sense of peace but it's not "fun". i don't know who the fuck writes for "fun". you can enjoy things that aren't "fun", you know? i definitely do.

and, if i had to pick one thing to give up on that list, honestly, it would be my job - 100%. i'd finish castles in six months, if i could give that up. but, i can't, lovely anon. because fanfic doesn't pay. because writing doesn't pay. and whilst i do have a savings account that i intend to use someday to take time off to write, i don't think i could justify using it for anything other than original fiction. because at least, there would be a tiny bit of hope that the book might get picked up and i could make my money back. i can't, like, quit my job to write fanfiction, can i? even if i did set up a patreon, i doubt you all would want to fund me, lol.

so, i don't know. i don't know what to do, anon. i don't want to give up castles. realistically, i probably won't. realistically, i'm probably going to keep ploughing through and overworking myself and feeling like i'm throwing my youth and my free time away into this project that everyone will most likely forget the moment it is finished. right now, to answer your question, i have about 6,000 words on the new chapter. right now, i'm also taking august off writing. to recharge, to sleep, and only write if i feel like it. later? i don't know. i think i'm in a place where i've just got 30,000 words out in three months and i'm too brain-dead to think clearly. i am acutely aware that this issue doesn't have a solution (or at least one that i like) but i might be more willing to compromise my life again after a bit of rest and holidays.

anyway, sorry for being a debbie downer, anon. and sorry i don't have an update for you. i'm dying for one, too.

#asked and answered #castles #i might delete this later cause it's so depressing and it's not *me* but it's also how i feel right now #i just don't know what to do lads

[myheartalivewrites]

Weekend WIP Game

Thanks for tagging my @kiwiana-writes @cha-melodius and @daisymae-12!

Rules: List your WIPs below (if you only write one fic at a time, feel free to include future WIPs/ideas!) then answer the following questions. Then, tag as many people as you have WIPs (or more).

1. WIP List: I'm definitely a one-at-a-time sort of person. I hate having unfinished WIPs hanging about, it stresses me out. That said, I've got three docs with a substantial number of words in them:

[Dark and Stormy]

[Provence] (more here)

Oxford Nights

AND there's one more WIP I've finished working on and am hoping to start posting tomorrow (ahem ahem ahem) which is not on that list but I’m counting anyway

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

[Provence] at nearly 14k

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Probs that one, I don’t think I’m even halfway through with it! It’s not going to be long-long though

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

Oh God, I don't know. I've not worked on [Dark and Stormy] for a while, that's the one I'm most looking forward to getting back to

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Lol, right now [Dark and Stormy] is intimidating bc I want to change the whole beginning of it. That's why I've been putting it off for oh... nine months 😬

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

The one that's gonna start posting tomorrow? Mainly bc I'm worried it's too much like a devil's threesome, even though no women are involved lol

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

Again, tomorrow's one, which is called Twice the speed (of you and me) by the way! I've asked a couple of people to read it through for me.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Sometimes, yeah. Mainly when I try and work stuff into the plot that I'm not that interested in or that requires a lot of world building. I've started following the Matthew Lopez philosophy about it: if it's not about Alex and Henry, it has to go. It's certainly what happened with Deep Blue, and that's how I got myself out of being blocked, by limiting anything that wasn't specifically about them.

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Oh, [Provence] has a character in it who I really love, she's an old friend of Arthur's, an actress in her sixties all glamour and graceful ageing, who loves Henry like a parent. Though, weirdly, she's what's got me a bit stuck on it, because I have all these ideas for what I want from her but can't quite bring myself to do the world building that comes along with that 😂

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

Hah, lol. The threesome. Is the fandom ready for it? We'll see.

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Dunno, actually. Maybe [Provence], just because Alex is having his bisexual awakening and feeling all jealous at Henry's sluttiness. It's not ACTUALLY angsty though.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

Yikes, what a question! All of them, my characterisation is perfect, no notes etc.

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

Oooh I love the [Provence] one. It's all lush, some super rich people's home, but with a touch of south of France rustic to it.

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

🤷‍♀️ don't think I have an answer for this one

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Again, just... 🤷‍♀️ I always wonder about the really smutty ones, I fret over them the most and then they turn out to be really popular so...

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

Not really, though they do keep me awake at night. I woke up this morning at like five and just HAD to check on the beta feedback.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

Nah, not really. I mean, threesome mechanics? That's new, I suppose

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

God, no, not this question. I have zero confidence on my ability to make things funny. Like, I know there are funny bits in there, but... Oxford Nights has funny bits with Alex and Henry trying shit out I guess.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

Nah

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

Okay, so: in one of them Henry owns a cow named MARY 😁

Tagging a meagre 4 peeps for my 4 WIPs ✌️ : @14carrotghoul @suseagull04 @happiness-of-the-pursuit and @whimsymanaged to overshare on the dash, thanks!

#wips #tag games #my writing #about me #wip #wip weekend

[13eyond13]

Hii for the fandom ask game I'm shooting two of your questions right back at you because when you asked me them they made me immediately wonder about your answers, 23 and 25! Also: 1, 8, and 16!

omg thank you for so many asks!

23. The fandom you're curious about because of a mutual:

@stvlti posting on my dash about the new Scott Pilgrim anime got me curious enough to start watching it recently! I read those comics back in college and thought they were pretty great, as was the Edgar Wright movie. And the anime seems like a very good adaptation of it so far. Can't explain how funny it is as a Canadian to see Canada as the setting for an anime, either... I just feel like we have such a bland normie country to set things in, hahaha

I'm also getting very curious about a ton of different manga thanks to the recs I've received on my blog recently! (X)

25. A piece of advice for taking care of yourself in fandom spaces:

HMMM.

I think the main thing I get people asking me about here sometimes is how to make more friends in the fandom, especially when you're new and don't know anybody. I think the main bits of advice I have on that front is:

(1) I SWEAR YOU AREN'T BEING SNUBBED/INTENTIONALLY IGNORED, YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST NOT ON OTHER PEOPLE'S RADARS AT ALL

So follow a bunch of other bloggers in that fandom and interact with their blogs first! Like their posts, send them polite/friendly asks looking for their takes (this is especially easy to do when people reblog ask memes), and be brave enough not to go on anon when you do it so they can see your lovely face and actually potentially make a connection with you! Most people LOVE getting asks and are flattered when somebody else asks for their thoughts. If you're genuine with your interest it shouldn't take long for other people to start taking interest in you back.

Which leads to my second point of:

(2) MAKE SURE YOU ACTUALLY ARE POSTING THINGS ON YOUR BLOG ON A SEMI-REGULAR BASIS! People will probably click on your blog once you start interacting with them, and they will most likely only follow you back if you actually have stuff on your blog that shows your interests/personality/the kinds of things they can expect you to be posting on their dash! You can easily stock up a bunch of posts into a queue if you're worried about spamming the dash or don't want to be online 24/7 too, so it will keep your blog active without you actually having to be there all the time.

ALSO DO NOT HAVE TOO MUCH SHAME TO LITERALLY ASK YOUR FOLLOWERS TO SEND YOU ASKS. Reblog fandom ask memes, it's a great way to give people a template of questions to bug you nicely with, and answering one ask often leads to receiving another ask!

(3) DO YOUR OWN THING WHETHER OR NOT ANYBODY IS CONSTANTLY PATTING YOU ON THE BACK. First and foremost I'm usually making myself laugh here on my blog and hoarding all of these posts for myself, so even when I'm not getting constant feedback from others I'm still having a good time and posting on the regular! I'm SUPER glad that other people get something out of it too, but I think when it comes to blogging you should treat your blog like your own personal little kingdom where you are making the rules, and other people can follow or unfollow as they please.

And finally:

(4) YOU WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE A FOLLOWER OR TWO, BUT SO DO I AND SO DOES EVERYBODY ELSE. Try not to obsessively check your follower count or to take it as a huge calamity if your count goes down instead of up once in a while! It WILL eventually go back up again, and you genuinely have no idea why it dropped most of the time (it probably wasn't anything majorly personal - maybe somebody just is no longer in your fandom, maybe Tumblr is clearing out some porn bots, maybe a follower is deactivating their blog - or maybe you DID post something that somebody didn't like, but that's ok, it's probably better if they aren't following you anymore anyways!) And you should ALSO block/unfollow people freely if they're really making your blogging experience uncomfortable - at the end of the day you don't really know them and they don't really know you, and you will both probably move on and forget about it not too far down the road.

1. List 3 positive things about your current fandom(s):

(1) Genuinely extremely chill and cozy, and almost always has been in my experience!

(2) People have the best sense of humour here. IDK I think I took it for granted that all fandoms were like that but anytime I venture into other ones I find myself being a bit disappointed that people just aren't as funny in general a lot of the time

(3) OMG thank you everybody for all the delicious fanfic and fanart, and for continuing to still make it steadily even in 2023

8. You hope more people will come to appreciate ___ (a ship, a trope, an episode, etc.):

I'm gonna advocate for a ship I don't even have a ton of personal investment in and say meronia! God, stop sleeping on this pairing already and/or acting like it's way more problematic than it actually is, you silly ancient fandom you (no, they are not basically related, they simply went to the same school in their childhood for a bit). These two definitely deserve to have their relationship a bit better explored!

16. A tiny detail in canon that you want more people to appreciate:

Watari had an entire-ass family of his own, apparently!

Isn't that weird to think about? There is actually SO MUCH unanswered stuff about how his relationship with L actually was set up, especially if you are just going by the original manga serial and aren't using the one-shots or the anime or LABB novel to flesh out L's backstory or any Wammy's lore. And sometimes I think it might be neat to see people exploring it in totally different ways that would still be 100% plausible based on what little we know!

[ask meme]

#ask #ratbefriender #ask meme #p #fandom #watari #l lawliet #meronia

[squirmywet]

i really struggle with feeling guilty after doing omo, how do you deal with this (if you actually need to)

that's a good question!!

Feelings are difficult, because even if you KNOW why they're not reflecting reality, you still HAVE them. However, there's a couple of things that Ive found useful when dealing with the prude in my head.

One is to make sure- before Ive started- that I know what Im doing, what Im going to allow, what my outs are in case I want them. This means that when Im down off the high and looking back, I can tell myself things like: okay, but nobody is hurt, yes? Okay, you didn't do anything you didn't want to, yes? So, the reason you're feeling bad right now isn't because you did anything wrong, or got hurt, but because of cultural expectations.

And thats reasonable (hint: all reasons to feel something are reasonable). Theres a lot of baggage in cultural expectations sometimes, especially when they're about shame. It doesn't mean I did anything bad (I already checked) if I feel this way, it means I live in a society that doesn't like what I'm doing. And now that I've figured that out, it doesn't feel like an overwhelming fog of doom that must be true o! nation.... just a feeling like any other. (TL;DR I try to define *what* Im feeling and *why*)

Another- and/or part of the above- is to limit my emotional engagement in situations where I'm not sure I'll be taken care of in the comedown. Drop happens. That's just one of many reasons aftercare is important. I'm going to assess what kind of aftercare is available to me *before* I begin kinking, and only kink up to the level I trust my aftercare to catch me. For me, making sure I have a shower and some food is important. It's harder to feel gross about myself when I'm clean and my blood sugar isn't crashing. So if I don't have food in the house, or the shower isn't working, for example, I don't hold and wet myself. (TL;DR aftercare is your best friend)

And then a third (or maybe second) thing is just....talk to more people. Especially kinky people, that's the most direct way, but honestly people in general too. Nobody fits the rules about what they should and shouldn't like, not really. Everyone is weird and strange and most of the time in ways youd never think of, because your brain isn't weird in the same directions. It's a lot harder to feel bad about having a piss kink when I'm like, oh yeah, got a friend who [insert thing] and do I care? No, good for them, I hope they get that. So good for me too for my thing. (TL;DR remind yourself you're not alone. You're no stranger than anyone else.)