#don't mess with the dm
yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days ago
Me to the dm after a near tpk and emotional session:
“I have therapy on Thursday and rest assured your name will be mentioned, god dammit.”
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xain-russell · 2 months ago
I know, as a Dungeon Master, I shouldn’t revel in the suffering of my players, but when I make a big reveal out of the consequences of their actions, and their reactions are “Oh we fucked up” It’s a very special kind of joy I feel. The kind of joy that sends me into maniacal laughter for half an hour straight as the gears turn in their heads and they start regretting all their life choices. 
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pyrocats-stuff · 3 years ago
Playing DnD with @ignisardens as DM
Going up against a wolf pack that has appeared....
One of the guys in the party: "I don't like that it says Dire Wolf 5"
Adam: "The thing I use to track initiative names them randomly so you don't know how many there are so don't panic. There are 17 of them but don't panic."
Everyone: *panicking*
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yourplayersaidwhat · 18 days ago
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2 DMs in their natural habitat
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yourplayersaidwhat · a month ago
"I'll let you do the honors."
-The DM, after handing the cleric 10d20 for touching a glowing crystal in a lead box labeled "do not touch" that was located 30 feet underground at the end of a maze-like cavern behind a locked door with a note nailed to it that read something to the effect of "in case all people who lived in this heavily fortified bunker are dead, do not allow this door to be opened."
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yourplayersaidwhat · a month ago
DM: “You look up, and it is at this point, that you see dozens of faces. Detached, human faces, hanging down from the ceiling.” Everyone: *Is silent for several seconds* Druid, OOC: “Hey [DM]? What the fuck?”
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yourplayersaidwhat · a month ago
Our DM Destroys a Player
“I was debating on adding a mind goblin.” -DM “Mind goblin?” -Player “MIND GOBLIN DEEZ NUTS??” -DM
everyone else proceeds to die laughing
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 months ago
GM: “You open the door. It’s pitch black on the other side.”
Rogue: “It’s cool, I’ve got darkvision.”
GM: “Mm-hmm. I know.”
GM: “It’s pitch black on the other side.”
Rogue: “…oh shit…”
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yourplayersaidwhat · 5 days ago
Rogue: Why are there four spiders, [DM]?
DM: One for each cardinal sin
Rogue: Four?
DM: Yes. Vampires, monsterfucking, leather-
Rogue: Hey!
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yourplayersaidwhat · 7 days ago
NPC in a dungeon: What are you doing here!?
Our monk: We're here looking for... deez.
DM: Fucking roll initative
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yourplayersaidwhat · 3 months ago
Dm: "Hey, so we aren't running next week. In downtime, could everyone just send me like two or three things your character is afraid of? It could be general fears or like concepts of things that scare them. It'd just be really helpful to this next stage of the campaign."
Paladin: "I have this intense fear of leveling up after every session."
Cleric: "Weird, me too."
Sorcerer: "What if my fear is telling you what my character is afraid of?"
Dm: "I mean I'm also fine with learning your personal fears. That's also good information to have."
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yourplayersaidwhat · 17 days ago
Context: Paladin was being stalked by an assassin from his backstory and no one rolled high enough perception to notice so the assassin snuck up and attacked while the party (level 17) was arguing with a shopkeeper.
DM (me): Paladin, 24 to hit against you. *entire table goes dead silent as they realize there’s an attack happening*
Paladin: …hits. DM: *rolls damage* Okay that’s… wait. *realizes that assassin rogues have Assassinate and Death Strike at this level* Uh, can you roll a CON save for me?
Paladin: Oh shit okay… *rolls* uh-oh that’s low… 17?
DM: *does math then sits there silently for a second* …hey Paladin how many hit points do you have? *entire table begins to panic* Paladin: *nervously* 149. DM: Fuck… okay so you take 188 damage and are now poisoned and unconscious. Everybody roll initiative. *enitre table loses their shit completely and it’s ten minutes before I get them to calm down enough to get an initiative order*
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yourplayersaidwhat · 13 days ago
Fighter, who hit zero hp last round: I have a plus three to medicine.  Does that help me at all?
Dm ((me)): No. You are too unconscious to fix yourself. Sit down and die.
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yourplayersaidwhat · a month ago
DM: Everyone within 30 feet, make a dexterity saving throw.
Barbarian: I have advantage on dex saves.
DM: [Barbarian], you’re on the floor, your advantage means shit. You fail automatically.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 18 days ago
Context: I love puzzles. Our current campaign is very ‘tomb raidery’ meaning lots of puzzles and riddles. The DM, knowing I love puzzles, has pretty much agreed that since my wizard has a +5 intelligence modifier that as long as I (out of character) can solve it so can my wizard. Meaning I can technically metagame.  DM: The two idols won’t let you proceed until you solve this riddle. There are five houses with different colors. The owners of the houses are all different races with different favorite drinks, and cigars. They also all have different pets. *Continues with the clues*  Me: *Instantly recognizing this riddle* DM: Ok which house has the fish?
Me: The fourth one.
DM: …
Warlock: …
Paladin: …
Fighter: Glad you got this one.
Cleric: HOW!
DM: How the fuck did you get that so quick?
Me: You think I haven’t heard of Einstein’s riddle? The first house is yellow with water, and cats. Next is blue, tea, and horses, the fourth house is green with the fish. I love zebra grids!
DM: Goddamn it wizard. Google said only 2% of people would solve that. I had to watch a youtube video explain it to me! Yeah the idols let you pass and give you a reward since you answered in seconds. 
Me: Hurray!
Warlock: Glad you got that cause I was lost after the fourth clue. 
Fighter: Same.
DM: Next week we’re all doing Sudoku. 
Me: Oh no. (known for HATING Sudoku) 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 months ago
Unlimited Power
Monk: "I'm writing up what my character did during downtime. You said it’s up to me 'for the most part.' What does that mean? How much freedom do I have here?"
Dm: "Just let me review it before you finalize anything and I'll let you know if you need to change anything. I'm going to mostly be letting you have fun with it."
Monk: "Awww yus. Unlimited power!"
Bardlock: "Why does she get free rein and I can't do anything without you fighting me?"
Dm: "Her plans for downtime are helping a small town and a political romance soap opera. You're trying to kill a god and I told you that's not downtime activity."
Bardlock: "I don't evil laugh like that though or scream unlimited power."
Dm: "True, but she lets me read her notes, so she gets to cackle like a crazy person."
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yourplayersaidwhat · 24 days ago
DM: As you break the object, the electric animals scatter freely everywhere. The weather quickly worsens as birds of lightning swoop out of the air and lightning shoots from the skies, creating even more animals. Me, ooc: Nature is healing. DM: Nature is healing, and it wants you dead.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 13 days ago
[Context: this was during a session on Discord. We’d just found some mushrooms that puffed up and made huge but harmless smoke clouds whenever something touched them, even if it was just a drop of water. Then the DM had to take a call so he muted himself]
Wizard, as soon as the DM left: Let’s try to see how much of this smoke someone can breathe in. See how harmless they really are
My Artificer: I wonder what would happen if someone smashed one of these with a hammer. Hey, [Barbarian]!
Barbarian: *holds his hammer like it’s a baseball bat*
DM, unmuting himself: You know, I can hear you
Rogue: Oh no
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yourplayersaidwhat · 8 days ago
Me, a tiefling with thaumatergy: I have an idea
DM: You're not disguising copper coins as weed gummies for leverage again.
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yourplayersaidwhat · a month ago
DM: You’ve only got a few rounds left to live, what do you want to do? DM: … DM: Wait, that’s not… I mean you’ve only got a few rounds left to try and survive. What do you want to do?
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