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karliesbuzzcut · 4 years

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Kaylor´s Throwback Thursday: October 18th, 2018

Hello and welcome to the our second edition of KTBT. Because many of you asked for it, today we are putting on our fanciest gowns and travelling back to Karlie Kloss’ wedding.

To understand everything that’s been going on, we need a bit of historical context. Taylor Swift has just arrived in Perth, Australia, for her Reputation Tour and therefore, didn’t attend the wedding. The wedding per se seems to have been kept secret, although there were rumours about something going on.

Also happening around this time: Jamal Khashoggi, a Saudi journalist, was assassinated at the Saudi consulate in Istambul. What does something so horrible have to do with Karlie Kloss’ wedding? I’m not sure but TTB brought it up.

TTB’s confidence in herself is almost admirable. Not only to @ Karlie, Taylor, Tree, Penni and Karlie’s sister on her thoughts but also to use “stunt” as an adjective. Stunty... nice. By the way, that super official document she links also states that Josh was born on the 00 of June. Just thought you’d like to know that.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m sorry, I’m just too excited. Let me set the scene for you. It’s October 18th, 2018. Apparently Karlie had been “stunting” hard for a few days now... when the bomb drops. TTB receives a buttload of messages and do you want to know something? The messages aren’t even that exciting. I think the most interesting thing of going through those messages was noticing how Kaylors have clung to the same mantras they use today. You know what I mean, the “Karlie looks miserable!” “I have a second cousin who had a wedding and her wedding didn’t look like Karlie’s wedding so...” “You can tell it’s just a business deal from the way Karlie smiles”.

Anyway, what do you think happened the very next day? Spade stopped by, of course. TTB Spade can smell weakness on Kaylors and knows that nothing fixes the problem quite as well as some vague sentence. This time it was an answer to the question “When do you think we will receive the first Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss friendship candid?” Which they simply answered with a direct quote from Call It What You Want “I recall late November, holdin’ my breath / Slowly I said ‘You don’t need to save me / But would you run away with me?’” Because why come up with your own shit, amiright. Either way, the legend says that if you’re very quiet at the end of every November, you can hear a disappointed Kaylor cry.

Soon after, TTB followed up. You can read the message yourself, I will post it here, but I can also summarise it for you in the form of a Haiku.

It did not happen.

My sources told me it’s false.

Hollywood PR.

If you pay attention, you can notice TTB’s very own stages of grief. First, she “threatened” Karlie’s parents (“All eyes on you Kurt and Tracy”). Then there’s denial (to be fair, there’s alway denial). And then, she resorted to guilting her subjects.

I mean, I just love that she keeps tagging Kimby here. “Kimby, your sister’s marriage is forcing people back into the closet. You better do something, Kimby... NOW KIMBY👏!”

And then TTB made a little test? I’m adding this post here, not because of it’s quality but because I’m a little bit confused by it. She listed a bunch of facts like the dress’ designer, the bridesmaids’ dresses, the cake’s brand and Jewish symbolisms. And I guess all of that is supposed to lead us somehow to the wedding not being real but to me it reads as “I watched a wedding once on TV, what is this?”

But let’s take a break from TTB and move on to thabrokegirl. She was definitely working through some feelings. I tried taking a picture of her entire manifesto but it didn’t fit my screen. I did select the best parts though.

The first one was mostly for my own amusement, not gonna lie. TBG goes on about how weird it is that it took 6 years for Karlie and Josh to get married. And here I am, older than Karlie, with a boyfriend I’ve been dating for almost 9 years... finding out today of all days, that I have problems... like commitment issues, this was never in the stars for us because it would’ve happened already. 😳

I don’t know how many Gilmore Girls’ fans I have in the audience tonight. But there’s an episode in season 7 where Lorelai is struggling to write a very important letter. She’s advised to write whatever comes into her head, to which she responds that it’s a bad idea and I cite:

Because my brain is a wild jungle full of scary gibberish. "I'm writing a letter. I can't write a letter. "Why can't I write a letter? I'm wearing a green dress. "I wish I was wearing my blue dress. "My blue dress is at the cleaners. "'The Germans wore gray. You wore blue. ''Casablanca'. "'Casablanca' is such a good movie. "'Casablanca.' The white house. Bush. "Why don't I drive a hybrid car? I should drive a hybrid car. "I should really take my bicycle to work. "Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard. Hockey puck. Rattlesnake. Monkey, monkey, underpants."

And it is that stream of consciousness that thabrokegirl perfectly depicted on her piece.

Meanwhile, FemmeTay is surprisingly very chill about this.

Finally, there’s TallCurlyGirl, who made me regret the fact that I wasn’t around during her prime. After all, she wasn’t a shipper - she was just a regular tall curly girl burdened with the superpower of reading Taylor’s and Karlie’s minds and who -therefore- had the responsability of sharing her findings with the whole world... up until she got bored Karlie and Taylor broke up.

Please enjoy a vintage selection of ‘I Have Sources™’ which -as most things Kaylor- have aged hilariously bad:

My favourite part is PR people shitting their pants and calling Tree for help 🌝...

What was your favourite part?

*5 second silence while I look at your with dead eyes*

I like that part too!

#kaylor #karlie kloss #ttb #ktbt

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