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I feel better now. I think there’s a fine line that I tend to walk when it comes to feeling ignored versus how often I’m okay with the amount I’m being listened to. Those brief little moments of panic– that can’t even amount to a real “attack”, it’s so sudden and gone again– they come from a part that’s buried deep. The first instinct that comes to mind is to nurture, but that just makes me feel afraid, too. I am afraid of facing the terrifying ordeal of accepting the amount of which I am known. I don’t know how to help that part. I just don’t know what to do yet.

On the bright side… I feel like our theme is more accessible, now that we can both edit the HTML without site errors and the text is bigger. Ha.

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I’m finding myself with the strange reaction of thinking “I didn’t know you could do that” at seeing the police precinct burning. I didn’t realize I didn’t think it was possible, that I thought American police were too terrifying powerful for civilians to ever do such a thing as make them evacuate. It seems oddly plausible in a way it didn’t before that we could somehow tear this place apart enough that it might at least stop killing black people. And I kind of want the whole thing to end, the whole country. It’s a rotten place. And I’m tired of being scared for my friends. And I’m tired of people dying of abuses of power.

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I’m not sure what to do with my latest fanfic. I had originally planned it to be a long one-shot but it has gotten much bigger than I expected and I feel like it would be better to divide it into chapters instead (and have a 4 or 5 chapter fic). Here is my reason for hesitation though. It’s a Connverse fic that is from both of their POVs and it deals with their feelings equally (or that’s the goal of it anyway) and it’s not just a Connie supports/coddles Steven fic. However the first part is in his POV and I fear it will give the impression Connie is just there to help Steven through whatever issues he is having and doesn’t have her own struggle in it. But the story doesn’t work with Connie’s POV first. It has to start with Steven.

So do I risk people being turned away and post the first part of the fic or do I stick to my original plan and power through to the end to post it as a long one-shot?

*Please don’t interact with this post unless you are willing to give me your opinion on it.*

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I wish this scene wasn’t cut from the movie. Coming from someone with a bad family life, this scene is powerful. People wanna ask why I relate to Jim Kirk? It’s shit like this. He only started rebelling because he couldn’t take the shit like this. Being walked all over because you always listen. I feel that every damn day. This scene is practically a perfect representation of my life. Down to when my sister got sick of it and walked out. I don’t blame her honestly. Wish I could too. But if they’d have kept this in… Maybe, just maybe… My parents would realize this is what they do and what they’re doing wrong.

But then again… I doubt it.

(Also i might just be projecting but I feel like AOS Jim does the sleeping around thing that he does and ends it there is because he’s afraid to catch feelings and get hurt because of childhood trauma. He desperately wants to feel close to someone but is scared to get attached. That’s coming from someone who feels the same way but… That’s how I interpret it, you don’t have to.)

Please don’t reblog, it’s just a vent of mine and I don’t want it everywhere. Likes and comments are fine but I don’t want reblogs, please.

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hey, you guys. i know that things around the rpc have been really tense lately with everything going on in the world. people are stressed out more than ever and being confined inside is not really helping the situation. i understand. but please do not use this time to start hurting other people. people are bored right now, they’re reading more, watching more and getting into fandoms they might not have considered. they are getting excited about characters and muses and are very happy for the distraction. i understand the anxiety that comes with duplicates and wondering about your own portrayal; but the gatekeeping that myself and my friends have witnessed going on really needs to be stopped. (which, i can’t believe i have to say this: i don’t intend this post to circumvent problematic and dangerous behavior, but instead refer specifically to people attempting to stop other muns from entering friend groups and rpc spaces due to duplicate anxiety).

i understand that some of you may feel like ‘veterans’ writing a character for a really long time, but that does not give you the right to actively attempt to stop someone else from enjoying a character or fandom that you do not know. remember that these people are experiencing the joy of this fandom for the first time. they are becoming interested in something that you love, and that is something to be celebrated. rpc sections are growing, people that can be befriended outside of roleplay and attempting to stake a claim over a fictional universe or character (outside of ocs, of course, to which you all have my undying respect for creating your own personal works of art; they are your property). but duplicate anxiety becomes something much more malicious when people actively try to exterminate the route of that anxiety by telling others to either bully them or to ignore them entirely. and things said in order to slander them, no matter how righteous you may feel while saying them, will always come back to these people in the end. 

i ask that during this time, you consider the feelings of other people the way you consider your own. you were brand new in your fandom once, excited about it and ready to dive in headfirst. please don’t ruin that excitement for someone else just because they like or write the same character. or because they don’t write it the same way you do.  everyone needs an escape from their own world, especially right now. that’s why a lot of us are here in the first place, isn’t it? 

be kinder during this time, if you can. 

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