#don't talk to me about this i'm unwell

[eyes-of-nine]

truly what a guy

#malevolent #malevolent podcast #arthur lester #arthur malevolent #john doe #john malevolent #my art #ahfdgfghsdd i have so many important things to do but these two have overtaken all of my waking thoughts so i'm fucked to say the least #adgfd i just wanna talk about them with someone but no one i know has the energy for that 12h long infodump #straight up today was my first truly no work day in a few weeks and what did i do? spent half the day figuring out how i want to draw arthur #still not sure if this the direction i wanna take his design in but somehow along the process he ended up as like my ideal look on masc days #tbh i don't have the time to unpack whatever that says about me ywy #john's design is very much still a first draft but i can't think about it too much or i might just actually go insane #this podcast makes me unwell(affectionate) #the universe is so evil for not letting me just draw them all day long ywy #in an ideal world it would be no diploma no uni applications only malevolent #.....i'm gonna stop with the rambling now #so yeah go listen to malevolent

[maimochies]

whoever talks to me about rafayel's new skin is getting — *gunshots*

#DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT I'M UNWELL #I need a few business days #a year in fact #DON'T TALK TO ME BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH SAVED UP FOR HIM #mai mumbles (ꐦ •᷅ࡇ•᷄)

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.

#positivity #mental health #mental health support #gentle reminders #this is something i struggle with myself so that's why i said i empathize (well... i guess as much as you CAN empathize) #(because even if you have gone through the same thing... it's not going to look the same as somebody else going through that) #(and while it can be valuable to express empathy it doesn't mean you truly 'get it' from the other person's point of view) #i struggle sometimes not to feel like my body is fucking with me because sometimes i expect it to function at bare minimum #or i just assume that when it is in debilitating pain that it's just... somehow to fuck with me and i am cognizant that this isn't true #i am cognitively aware that the body isn't Specifically Designed to have a Fuck With You mode even if it feels like it #but my experiences with disabilities and general unwellness made it easy for me to alienate myself from my body #in order to preserve myself i felt the need to separate myself from every flaw (or 'flaw') i have #so when people are confused about why you could mistrust your /own body/ it's stuff like this that can somewhat illustrate it #i think we don't really talk about this but i think it's more common than i would assume #(mostly based on the There Are Eight Billion People principle) #hm making this also makes me realize that abuse absolutely plays into how i mistrust my body. hm. #mistrust in your body feels like self-protection and self-preservation in this weird and almost twisted way (at least in my experience) #but then you start mistrusting *everything* and nothing feels... GOOD or NORMAL anymore #i'm going to play mahjong about this 🫡👍

[quatregats]

They love each other so much <3

#they're literally married they're so codependent and i'm so happy for them #yes i did start reading commodore don't talk to me i'm in my being unwell about hornblower era #hated the start of that book <3 he's back up to his usual antics (putting up façades and being ungenuine) #wish that forester could understand that whatever he's doing with bush and hornblower is how you write a meaningful relationship #and not just being like 'wow they love each other wow look at that they're married' #barbara and hornblower were kind of fun in beat to quarters but he quickly killed in the first chapter of this book #this passage on the other hand? this is hornblower actually expressing that he loves a person (in whatever sense you want) #anyways i hate him but this was very sweet <3 #perce rambles #hornblower #also hornblower being mean as love language. love it when authors just drop tidbits like that

[darling-valentine]

every now and then I remember that time my transfem friend and I were talking about her trauma and her transition and suddenly she said "but yeah you didn't go through any of that because trans men don't get harassed or bullied and have it overall easier" and I just felt so deeply upset at how she just assumed all the pain I went through couldn't exist because I somehow had it easier. I didn't even say anything because I didn't want her to think I was angry at her, because if I do then suddenly I'm an Angry Man that's exaggerating

#not to mention im latino and she's white #how can you say 'yeah you didn't suffer bullying' to a latino neurodivergent trans man that you've known is mentally unwell for years #maybe its because she idolizes me a lot but please i just want people to see me like a person and not like some concept they can define #also it's really sad seeing people say 'trans men have it easier' like I didn't get beat up and socially and psychologically bullied #ever since i came to Spain because of racism and homophobia and transphobia and ableism and every form of bigotry you can think #and even to this day i still have to deal with all that #even when i think im safe I'm never really safe for one reason or another #and being a man doesn't make me any less vulnerable #valentine.txt #valentime #sorry for the rant gamers I'm still upset and i haven't talked about it to her because I don't want her to feel bad

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

bestie bestie have you seen the poltergayst art :D? the sillies!!! ive drawn them!!

im thinkin about drawing killer having like just weird or disturbing features, like his jaw hanging barely attached or something cuz he doesn’t understand Skeleton Monster anatomy and i honestly have so many ideas for this au cackles

yes!!! yes i've seen them >:D

i just arrived home so i'm reblogging them all simultaneously but waa these beans are so interesting to daydream about...

Like look at him look at our ghostie killie omggg<33333

#ask #my art #poltergayst au #i'm unwell when it comes to kross and kross aus in general but this? aughghg the fluff potential is immense...... #i do wonder if killer can leave the house? yknow for very valid reasons like dates and stuff >;D #cross is like 'you need some clothes' because he can't go out naked smh look at how bad killer has it in this world 😔</3 #i'm guessing he can't even after getting his physical form? idk but one thing i will say is that he probably like. begs cross to get a cat #even if the apartment has no pets allowed he would find a way to smuggle a kitten like cmon this is killer we're talking about HHH #i want them to watch a movie and have them curl around eachother (killer with his eight limbs or smthing) and just. stay like that forever #waghgh the dream....the goal >:')c <333 #anyways be right back imma reblog the ones i didn't see yet!!! thanks for passing byy and don't think twice about tagging me in any updates #muah muah have a nice day))<3333

[princess-of-purple-prose]

[ID: Two pages from Trigun. In the first, Rem cries as she passionately exclaims to Vash, "Don't throw it all away! Don't let it go! Don't say you'd rather die!" Young Vash seems shocked as she exclaims that she wants to see the world together, because it's made up of more than worthless people. Rem's face is scrunched up and flushed, tears beading at her eyes as she cries.

In the second, Marlin fondly tells Vash that Meryl and Milly worry when he leaves them and that he needs to learn to let people help him out, because they want to do so. Vash seems surprised, then begins to cry. He looks similar to Rem, with flushed cheeks and tears at the corners of his eyes, as he cries, "... Don't... Just... Don't tell me something like that now!" End ID]

Like mother, like son.... [starts bawling so hard I choke to death]

[ID: Another flashback page with Rem and Vash. Vash smiles with contentment and says, "But... if you hadn't stopped me then... I never would have know that when you cry, Rem... you look like you're laughing." Rem is still teary, but she smiles happily. End ID]

Bonus :')

#trigun spoilers #trimax spoilers #i was looking at a post with this marlon+vash dialogue and then i was like. wait. that face looks familiar #and LO AND BEHOLD #i am so unwell about rem and vash SO sick in the head about them #i love you rem. genuinely an incredible character and person and you were dead before the story started #speaking of. i was saying this to percy (ty percy for listening to me :) ) #but i think that the marlon bit showcases rem's ideals manifesting in the series #if you can't love the world people in it will love you and if you can't love yourself people will love you still #love keeps you alive and love keeps you alive and love keeps you alive #god. anyway #hope it's cool i used indents for the ids! i don't usually use it on my own posts but it felt more readable for this one #trigun #my posts #kay talks #described #described by me #i don't think this'll maintag so that'll be the extent of my organizational tags lmao #also hi i edited the marlon panels myself (vash's reactions are actually on a separate page) i'm pretty proud of it :) #rem saverem #vash saverem

[imminent-danger-came]

Your lmk parallels post makes me so unwell there so many angst I can take dude

Though I am hoping for healing arcs in the specials I feel like we're leading up to that but that's just me

LOL I'M SO SORRY.

WE'LL GET OUR HEALING ARCS EVENTUALLY. JUST NOT YET (PROBABLY). This is the hurt comfort long con you feel me.

If it makes you feel better I make myself really unwell with my own posts

#i SWEAR i want Wuking and MK to work it out #Like I said someone can hurt you and cause hurt and you can still love them #It's complicated TM #WUKONG AND MK WILL BE FINE BY THE END. THEY'LL GET THERE #MK'S JUST GOTTA LET IT OUT FIRST #Like SWK is willing to do better and has. He is not who I'm worried about here I'll be real #He just makes mistakes sometimes. and those mistakes affect MK and it's fun for me to talk about #Realizing the Samadhi fire ''Don't you realize you're hurting the people who care about you the most?'' and the #''Or hurt the people I care about—the ones i have left'' parallel in 4x08 made me SO unwell #Like so unbelievably mentally unwell #the entire end of 4x08 was already a 3x10 parallel and then you had MK repeat what Mei said to Wukong? #Like fuck me jesus christ #it's so bad here #the writers are literally so mean #asks #lmk #lego monkie kid #monkie kid #imp tag

[moe-broey]

FUCK YOUR FATHER FUCK YOUR FATHER FUVK YOUR FATHWR FU--

#final one tonight (and the one i was looking for when i found the other one i was initially looking for) #(in my. fucking. folder.) #this has to be book 1??? i'm certain it is (shot taken revisiting prev books) #still like. this is so fuvked up. like. it's been so long and so it's easy to forget (esp w gustav being canonically dead now) #but like. imagine having a parent who refuses to fucking talk to you in your own fucking house #just cause they disagree w a choice you made. #and like as i say that i know for some people they don't have to imagine. severely fucked up and i'm so sorry. #UGH..... IT'S JUST...... SO UNFATHOMABLY CRUEL. #oh but he's just strict. a stern father figure. dude shut up i'm gonna throw up LMFAOOOOO #also not to be queer about it but oh my god. holy shit. oh my fucking god. jesus fucking christ. FUCK #there are many reasons alfonse fire emblem makes me insane and unwell and this js one of them #to me he's like. def queer but not in a way where it's visible. heavily influenced/defined by his agab and how he was raised due to it. #he has Just Enough things going for him to make it so he has done Everything Right. #and yet. that does not free him from SO many horrors. in a way he's punished for it. but it's all he's ever known. #it's normal. he's normal. everything is normal. this is just how it's supposed to be. #i'm going to chew on his arm. gnaw at his fuvking shoulders. have him sit on my lap and be held. #for once in his fuckinh life. #what thw fuck ever man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE ‼️‼️‼️💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 #fe alfonse

[howtobeamagicalgirl]

My feelings about the staff meeting were 100% spot-on, and it turns out that the staff meeting was, in fact, about ME!!!

#ranntics #a 15 minute bitchfest about how ''people have been calling out when they don't have enough sick time to cover their missed days'' i.e. ME #then a 10 minute vent about how some teachers will bleach toys and set them out to dry and then leave them over the weekend #and then call out sick so the poor assistant manager who was subbing in the room had to put them all away 😭 which was so stressful for her #I know the first part was about me bc after the meeting my CA approached the manager and apologized for being out (her kids have been sick) #and the manager said ''it wasn't about you it was about LeeAnn calling out for the hell of it 🙄'' #I HAD COVID AND FLU SYMPTOMS. FUCKING SHOOT ME. #apparently her issue is that I text her ''I am feeling unwell and will not be in tomorrow'' instead of a list of symptoms #so she thinks I'm lying #.....but like. if I'm lying it is just as easy to type ''vomiting all night sorry can't come in'' #to me sending her a list of symptoms and just saying ''feeling unwell''are the same thing. if she had an issue she could have told me #instead of wasting the valuable time of 20+ other people to vent about it to a group. #oh and the bit about toys being left out was too specific to be about anyone else bc I'm the only person who cleans their goddamn toys #and mine was the only classroom she had subbed in this week #they had both of these talking points typed out and printed on an agenda that they passed out to everyone in the meeting. #y'all both have offices. we could have talked in there. #they don't like confrontation so they hold an ENTIRE MEETING WITH EVERYONE JUST TO TALK SHIT ABOUT ME?? LADIES.

[hypermorality]

i used to be so casual and normal in relationships and now i need to open up someone's chest cavity and nest inside there to feel even an ounce of security

#I took some risks in love and got the worst possible outcome #and i know this is the website where everyone is sort of unwell about love but it's difficult to actually deal with irl. #and i'm sure they have the greatest satisfaction in messing me up this bad so i don't even like talking about it #i spoke only to angels. ♱

[helpimstuckinafandom]

I keep seeing snippets from tsats and they have genuinely made me cry send help

#people aren't tagging spoilers which is unfortunate #i don't care but rip to the rest of you #also spoiler warning for the next tags - i'm gonna talk about the snippet that made me cry #it was will asking if he could hold nico and nico nodding and crying into will's chest #i am physically unwell from these #tsats #tsats spoilers #solangelo

[polzkadotz]

.

#gonna be venting I guess lmao #this is what happens when you delete your twitter account I guess lol #I'm getting real tired of being me but above all of being someone struggling with substances. it's hard to be kind to myself #especially because I feel like I dont deserve it #I'm burying myself in debts I barely talk to my friends I'm trying to build routines but it all falls apart the MOMENT I relapse #I've self-harmed for the first time in years I've been more suicidal than ever and I can actually see my body breaking down #and it's hard to care about me cuz well. I've never cared about me. and every time I talk to the people I love I try to put on this front #bc I don't want to upset them or make them worry about how unwell I actually am #and honestly...... I'll be so surprised if I survive until the rest of the year. I honestly don't see myself surviving past my nephew's bday #and that's... two months away? how can it be two months away already wow time really flies when your a piece of addicted shit #not the best way to refer to myself but Oh Well lmao #I'm sorry I'm not a good person to be around friendos. And I'm sorry if my death is gonna affect you/traumatize you but like #me dying would make the life of a LOT of people better. and I think it'd make me happy to go out by doing a good deed I guess lmao #anyway #here's wonderwall

[toasteaa]

Shaking and crying...the new trailer...oooouogouhough....

#toast talks #genshin impacted #I'm not gonna be okay in the new archon quest. I know I'm not gonna be okay #I don't even know what to say other than I'm so excited. I NEED Furina. I need to know what's going to happen right fucking now #THE FUCKING. DOOMSDAY CLOCK AAAUGUHAUGH #THERE WAS SO MUCH IN THE TRAILER I CAN'T SIT STILL #AND ALSO BECAUSE YOU KNOW MY ASS WAS GONNA BRING HIM UP EVEN THOUGH I WAS TRYING TO RESIST #NEUVILLETTE MY BELOVED WHAT IS GOING ONNNNN #YOU'RE GETTING ALL SAD AND DRACONIC AGAIN AND RRAAAAAAGH #Someone put me in a hole until the update or else I WILL go insane. #Omw to finish trip crowning Neuvi so he can perform his role perfectly cause HOO BABY #Okay now I'm gonna go be unwell about everything BYE

[vulpinesaint]

it's me and messages from people who i have constructed extremely complicated relationships with in my head sitting in my inbox

#like you don't know that i feel hurt by you. and there's not much reason for me to feel that way either #however putting so much effort into trying to stay connected while you drifted away left me a little heartbroken #and now that you're finally ready to reconnect i don't know how to approach it... #but also like. i don't know how you feel about it at all. #i have to stop developing such intense relationships with such mentally unwell people 😭 i need friends who will message me back #i love you i'm so obsessed with you i wish i liked ppl so we could date!! and also you didn't answer my messages for Months 😭 #anywayyyyy i will answer that text. at some point. #it's been sitting there for like two days... #i just need to figure out how i feel now. #valentine notes #also to the separate person who occasionally messages me and whose messages i leave sitting there #cause i don't even really want to look at them. much less answer them. #idk. do you ever become a different person since the last time you talked to someone

[fey-changeling]

I wrote this as part of my dissertation and I wanted to share it because it was the only thing in it I was genuinely proud of, and it doesn't deserve to rot away in a document forever. It's inspired by a performance called APPARITION, APPARITION by Florence Peake and Eve Stainton.

676 words. Contains allusions to climate change, environmental disasters, apocalypse

Elegy for the ghosts of a green Earth

The two of them sat in a green corner of the world, where you could forget for a moment that a slow apocalypse had begun. Even the most intimate touches seemed casual, and the childish act of drawing on each other seemed like an intimacy beyond any other. They bit their lip in concentration, as if the spirals they drew across her stomach were a masterpiece unlike any other. An echo of ancient battle paint, with as much care, but no finesse, no design. Shieldmaidens fighting for the earth.

They said the future is a smoking ruin, a wreck of our own making. What’s the point of carrying on? we had little left to lose. They mourned it as if it was a tragic accident not a murder they continued to commit. Our world was dying and it seemed nobody with the power to stop it cared at all. All those girls ��� those children – who were measuring their words and their tones instead of screaming do you want to leave us with nothing?! shouldn’t have had to bear the weight of such agony. It is not for children to be forced to change the future.

People left marks on each other, not always the marks intended, as footprints left in the sand, as scars were left on the landscape. Every broken twig spoke of your presence. The colourful lines on their bodies marked interactions, and each one was different, made them different but the same. When they were together the marks drawn onto their bodies lined up, and they were a single being.

How much did it take to be so raw, to bear so much to the world and not crumple and fall and hide away the soft, vulnerable core? There is such strength in the softness, such softness in the strength. They reached for each other’s hands just so their fingers could brush, fleeting contact. Their joy was mortal in the face of all that would fall. They were there for her, and she was there for them. They were a unit, even when apart it was Them-and-Her, She-and-They. The distance was nothing, bridged by focus and intangible connection. The familiarity seemed as though it should have been private, but they had chosen to share it with the world. They were unashamed of their affection. Such honesty was startling, easy confidence in themselves, in each other. They made it seem the simplest thing to declare themselves and all between them to the world. A world that demanded and reviled honesty, and world that wanted the truth but couldn’t handle it. They made themselves a statement, a protest, explored desolation through each other’s bodies.

What could be given when there was nothing left to give? What could be taken when there was nothing left to take? How can you give back what was taken, take back what was given? It was not possible to start anew. History can be rewritten but it would not change the truth. Just as it repeats just a little to the left, in a slightly different key, the same mistakes were made again. As the world burned, melted, collapsed, exploded the truth was the press of her thigh against theirs. Their hand in her hair. Is this a defeat? all we have left to hold onto is each other. There was stillness and nothing moved but everything continued, holding its breath to witness it. They (She-and-They, Them-and-Her) held everything in holding each other. Nothing is forever, smudged the lines and curves drawn on their bodies, nothing is forever.

Bury them together, let them grow entwined, no matter what parts them. Bury them together and let them heal the earth. For they were the ghosts of the Earth, of everyone that cared. They were the desolate future, they were the flooded burnt frozen ruins, they were the life that takes hold once everything is gone.  

Burn us off the face of the earth and from the ashes grow again.

#i'm so so grateful to anyone who took the time to read it #thank you so much #i wrote this is the throes of severe executive dysfunction and burnout #it made me feel unwell opening the fucking document to find this #i don't know how i feel about it anymore #but i really feel i have to share it #i don't even really know what it is #please DO NOT ask me about my dissertation I DO NOT want to talk about it