#dont @ me im already pissed i just dont want to fall into a depression hole

[crimsonji]

*slides into your asks* KAZ KAZ KAZ!!! HIIII!! I SAW YOU TAKING REQUESTS FOR SCARA??? Well I have a crack-ish idea xD could i request him together with a very oblivious crush? I want to see him pulling his hair out in frustration at when the reader can't read the room or like:

“where u flirting with me?"

“idiot. Ive been trying to do so for months.”

-kinda vibes 😂😂😂 tho dont force yourself if u cant write these~ I understand SO HAVE A GOOD DAY AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELD UEUEUEUE!! ILY /p

- Jade 👻

୨୧ wanderer has a crush but reader is oblivious

ft. wanderer x gn!reader

cw: fluff, wrote this in 40 mins brainrotting lmao, wanderer calls you stupid, gave up on formatting bcus IM TIRED

>> 🍁 kazuha’s musings : augh I cannot will myself to draw rn so this is like the perfect ask I can use to word vomit. anyways YES OBLIVIOUS X OBV INTO THEM IS MY FAVOURITE THING EVER.

Wanderer has already signed his death wish once he accidentally fell head over heels for you, and it’s so frustrating how every single thing you do is so breathtaking to him—and he doesn’t even have a breath to begin with.

He’s so torn up about his feelings, a part of him wants to know how you feel about him, if you also stay up on cold nights wondering how your warm hand would feel against his cold skin, or the events of his travels with you replaying in his mind until he ultimately falls asleep.

Maybe he’ll never know that, because unfortunately for Wanderer, you’re the biggest idiot he’s ever met in his life. When the wanderer had accepted his newfound feelings for you, the only way he knew to react was to treat you with a meaner attitude. Yet his mannerisms were different—maybe even caring at times?

He has a habit of insulting people due to his huge superiority complex, but Wanderer just insults you whenever you do anything he finds attractive. Like, “Why are you smiling so much? It looks stupid on you.” or “What, are you just so happy to be in the presence of a creation the equivalent of a god? Wh— you are? …Shut up already, lowly human.”

His mean comments tread on the line of flirtatious overtime, and he grimaces whenever you just brush it off as his usual bitter personality. He’s weirdly good at finding back-handed ways to compliment you, “Your cooking tastes good, I bet I could do better, though.” and it pisses him off when you give him the same oblivious look every time—you idiot, when will you realize he adores every single thing about you?! Not like he’s been very apparent himself, though…

One time the Wanderer had picked some flowers and almost shyly handed you to them, anxiously waiting for your reaction as he held out the Sumeru roses in front of you “Hey, you like flowers, right? …Since you’ve done so much for me, here… ?! Why are you just gawking at me like that—? Take it already or I’m throwing them away.” Yet your response made the Wanderer want to dissolve right then and there, smiling and taking the bouquet from his hands, Wanderer nearly shivering at the faint contact of your fingertips against his.

“Thank you, Wanderer.”

“…Idiot.”

Oh archons, Wanderer’s really dug himself into a hole. And what’s even more frustrating is that you don’t even see any romantic intentions in the random flowers he gives you, something that had became a daily occurrence. But no way in hell was Wanderer gonna swallow his pride and straight up TELL you he likes you, he’d rather die than do that.

Tbh the progression of how much more romantic or affectionate his actions become is almost depressing to see, the only thing Wanderer receiving is a tilt of the head and a cute smile—not like that wasn’t enough of a reward for him, anyway, but those stupid horribly enchanting eyes of yours gave away how dense you were being to his feelings!!!!

At some point all of this has just been bubbling up under the surface of his chest, so on one fateful night, some of the Wanderer’s feelings finally slip past his lips. You had set up a campsite for the night, the calm fire that gurgled and popped emitting a kind warmth and light that perfectly reflected off your features—you looked really pretty right now, you always did. These thoughts regularly came to Wanderer’s mind, and he used to adamantly push them away, but he’s long accepted this horrible thing called ‘affection’— so these bubbling thoughts continued to drift and be pondered upon his mind.

“…You’re pretty.” he whispers

He watches you perk your head, turning to the man with wide-eyes from where he sat a reasonable distance away from you. “Huh?”

Wanderer scoffed, repeating himself louder this time “I said—you’re pretty.”

You paused, lips parted but the words fell dead on your tongue. He narrowed his eyes at you, he wasn’t gonna confess, not today, but he’s sick of seeing that dumb look on your face all the time.

“…Thank you?” he only grimaced more at your usual response.

“You know what I mean when I say that, right?”

You shook your head “Not really, but I’m glad that you don’t hate me as much as you used to.”

Now it was his turn to pause, that same dumbfounded look now on his face. Since when did you think he hated you? “Idiot, who said I hated you? I’m the same level as an omnipotent god, I could have discarded you a long time ago… and besides…”

“Besides what?”

The Wanderer bit his lip, why is he hesitating? Is he scared? No, no, that can’t be, you’re just a lowly human, is all, a beautifully wonderful human… “You’re, well, not horrible to talk to, and even if you act stupid sometimes I—

—I guess that’s what makes me so attracted to you.”

…

“Are you flirting with me?”

Holy shit. A part of Wanderer just wanted to take back everything he just said from how dumb you sounded, but holy shit! You noticed, finally. He couldn’t help the wide smirk when he got a taste of what you looked like when you were blushing, the red tint blooming across your cheeks. He chuckled, leisurely crossing his leg over and folding his arms smugly;

“Have been for the past few months, but thanks for noticing.”

#[🍁] kazuha's haiku collection #[💌] letters of songbird #scaramouche x reader #scaramouche x you #wanderer genshin #wanderer x reader #genshin impact #genshin fanfic #genshin

[heydocpotts]

bc i am angry and sad abt current events and need to feel happy, im gonna focus v hard today on tony stark's bday

#dont @ me im already pissed i just dont want to fall into a depression hole #so im gonna post abt tony stark being happy & loved on his bday #tony stark #iron man

[flamingo-writes]

It's Always Been You - Sylvain x Reader

Summary: After being away for five years in war with your father, the war is over and your father takes you to the Church if Seiros, where you meet the friendly faces you grew up with. Specially your best friend, Sylvain.

A/N: finally, I'm posting something about Fire Emblem Three Houses 🤣🤣 Im sorry I've been inactive, I've been purposefully been inactive, my holidays are over and I wanted to fully enjoy them. But now I am back!! Also, I’m gonna be writing the date in which I post things because I lowkey dont like not remembering when I posted something. 

Posted: 01.14.2020

Words: 2.4K

Warnings: none

Pacing through the wide halls of the monastery, your eyes could hardly focus on something before something else caught your attention. And walking through what felt like endless halls only made you feel more and more nervous. Following your father, a few steps ahead of you as he limped his way forward at a faster pace than yours. 

“It’s weird to be somewhere with this amount of silence…” You said as your father chuckled looking back at you. 

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought about it” He said cheerfully, although you could see his smile didn’t reach his eyes.”I’m sorry for taking you to war for all those years” 

“You already apologised enough times, father. It’s okay, I don’t mind” You lied, remembering all the nightmares that flashed before your eyes when you tried to sleep. The smell of blood still felt fresh on your nose and the screams and whimpers of soldiers dying around you. 

“I know, kid. But it’ll always weigh my soul” He answered waiting for you to catch up with him and wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Good thing is, your friends are here! So I was told by Count Galatea!” 

“Ingrid is here?” Your father noticed that spark of hope in your voice. 

“Dimitri, Felix and Sylvain are too” 

Your heart began beating faster and stronger, as suddenly you became even more aware of your surroundings, hoping that you might see them. 

However, that was not the case. You finally entered the cathedral and met the archbishop, Rhea. Feeling slightly intimidated by her status as the supreme leader of the Church of Seiros, your whole demeanour became stiff and awkward. 

After welcoming your father back from the local wars happening in your hometown, your father talked to her, giving her a brief summary of how your last five years at war had been. And midway through the story, a couple of men walked inside the room Rhea and your father were talking in. Rhea greeted them as you continued to stare at everyone, not fully understanding what was going on. 

Not until Rhea introduced you to Byleth, one of the teachers. Byleth was by no means a person with a lot of words. And given your shy state, neither were you. You followed them, by your father’s and Rhea’s suggestion. All the silence you had been missing while being out in the battlefield suddenly became worse than war. Silence, so much silence, you felt like your thoughts could easily echo and expose you. Not until a very familiar voice broke said silence after you walked inside one of the classrooms.

“[Name]?!” That cheerful voice brought back so many of your childhood memories, and before you could even scan the classroom, Ingrid was running towards you, hugging you tighter than ever. “I can’t believe it! It’s you!” She laughed happily. “I was afraid I’d never see you again!” 

You hugged her back at once as tears gathered in your eyes, thinking how neither her voice nor her scent had changed much. As you opened your eyes, you saw a much taller Dimitri walking towards you. 

“Dimitri!” You cried as you broke the hug from Ingrid and hugged the blonde. He hugged you back as once. “I can’t believe how much you’ve grown!” You sobbed, burying your face in his shoulder. “I was taller than you when I left the castle” You giggled.  

“I can’t believe you’re still a crybaby” A low voice said as you looked at your side and saw a much grown Felix approaching you as well. 

“And you’re still an idiot, Felix” You joked as you let go of Dimitri. “I missed you guys so fucking much” tears kept falling from your eyes. “Where’s Syl?” You asked looking around.

“Probably chasing some girls outside. Don’t worry, he’ll be back soon” Ingrid assured. 

As Byleth introduced you to the rest of the class, you remained close to your friends as they did most of the talking. Recalling memories from your childhood, and through their stories, your new classmates got to know you better. Sitting in a circle on the ground in the middle of the class, you were enjoying the conversation, exchanging stories from both your childhood and the time your friends had been in the academy. 

You were sitting facing the door, every now and then looking outside into the garden, noticing many other students walking and chatting. Eventually, you noticed someone walking towards the room. Instinctively, your eyes scanned said figure. And then our heart stopped. 

Looking straight into his eyes, the both of you paralyzed for a brief second. 

“No way!” Sylvain said shocked. The widest smile taking over his face. 

Without thinking it twice, you stood up and ran towards him. All of the Blue Lions looking at you sprint, faster than they could imagine, as you ran towards the red head. Jumping into his arms, you cried his name as he swiftly caught you. Holding you tight, so tight, you could feel every bit of his chest pressed against yours. Laughing, melancholic tears falling down your eyes once more. Sylvains spun on his toes, happy to see his best friend once more. 

“For the Goddess’s love, [Name]” He said putting you back on the floor, still without breaking the hug. “Do not leave me again” He said kissing the top of your head. 

“[Name] and Sylvain…” Ashe asked, slightly confused. The way you had greeted your other friends was nothing compared to how you had greeted Sylvain. 

“Oh, they’ve always been like that. Those two used to be always together. Whenever Slvain wasn’t chasing some girl, he was hanging out with [Name]. They were each other’s second shadow, before [Name] and her father left” 

“The first few months after her departure were very rough on Sylvain…” Dimitri whispered. 

“Yeah, I’d never seen him so depressed. Not even when his brother left” Ingrid added “Sylvain did try to run away and bring her back. His father was pissed at him for risking his life like that” 

“After [Name] left, he became a much worse womanizer than he already was…” Felix added, looking at Sylvain, holding your head in his hands and shaking you lightly, complaining about all those years you left him. 

“You think he’ll slow down a little bit now that she’s with him again?” Annette asked, not really minding about Sylvain's flirty self, but because she felt uncomfortable when he was being flirty at her.

“There’s a possibility” Dimitri whispered. 

“Yeah, he’ll probably go skirt chasing as a hobby when [Name] is busy and doesn’t pay much attention to him” Ingrid said 

“I’ve always said those two would end up together in the future” Felix said in a low voice. 

“No way!” Ingrid laughed. “I mean, I know those two are inseparable, but there is no way in heaven or hell those two would end up together. I mean, they love each other but they also can’t quite stand each other” 

“Silence” Dimitri said. “They’re coming” 

“I’m sorry, that’s what you get for leaving me, darling” Sylvain said. 

“You think I don’t know you?” You scoffed. “Your lame ass will be coming back to me every time a girl rejects you” 

“I’ve changed” He bragged lifting his chin with pride.

“Oh, have you?” You scoffed loudly.

“I’ve mastered the art of charming women. I don’t get rejected as much as I used to” 

“I’m still sure you’ll be spending most of your day nagging me” 

“Of course I will!” Sylvain laughed. “My best friend is back! We have to make up for all that time lost, angel” Approaching the circle, you returned to your spot. Sylvain walked next to you and gestured Dimitri to move a little bit to a side so he could sit next to you. “So, what are we guys talking about?” 

“The ball and the dancing contest” Dedue said, taking back the conversation you had before Sylvain walked in the classroom. 

~

The ball was over all fun. Maybe not the most fun night, but surely more fun than any night you had for the last 5 years. Andnafter a very much needed break, Sylvain asked you if you wanted to wander around the monastery at night. 

The idea of wandering at night added something charming and spooky to the big old building. Silence ruling over the rest of it while the ball was contained in the ball room. 

As much as you wanted to actually wander around, you decided to quietly follow Sylvain who walked with long steps, knowing where he was heading to.

He took you to one of the towers in the monastery. A tall tower you knew very well for what people had been whispering in the halls. 

“Can I tell you something, [Name]?” Sylvain asked. 

“Sure” 

“After you left…You are my best friend, the best of them, okay? You know it” He began awkwardly “And after you left, I felt so lonely. I’d never felt like that before” 

“I know. I did too” You said looking at him tenderly as he looked up at the sky. You noticed the rise and fall of his chest, different to how it normally is. He’s nervous, you thought. You grabbed his hand and squeezed it, just like you’d always do whenever you knew he was feeling uneasy. 

“It was...so different to me. Living in a world without you. It somehow felt like starting over. I guess, after you left, I started dating women like a mad man. I guess, I was looking for someone to fill that hole you left in my chest. But it didn’t matter how many girls I went out with and how many I met, no one even got close to it” 

“Syl…” You whispered. “I’m here now. We’re back together at being partners in crime, hey?” 

“Partners…” Sylvain whispered looking at your hand on his. 

“Syl” You purred. “I know why you brought me here…” At once he looked into your eyes. Slightly terrified. “I’m not dumb, Syl. I’ve heard the stories about this. People come to this spot and make a wish together. They say the Goddess will listen and help said wish come true. It’s romantic, it’s clearly a tradition meant for lovers…” 

“[Name], I-I…” Sylvain stuttered nervously. 

“I’d wish to never feel lonely again,” You said. “The day I left, it was the worst day of my life. I cried every night for several weeks. I wanted to be back home, with my friends. Especially you, Syl. I’d dream of you every single day. At least for a year. You were always on my mind, and I liked to look up at the stars and think you’d be looking at the same stars as I did” 

“You’ll never be lonely again” Sylvain whispered, holding your hand and pulling it towards him, kissing your knuckles. 

“[Name]” The way his voice whispered your name in such a tender way, melted your heart. You looked into his honey eyes, thinking if they had always been so gorgeous. “I’m a bit afraid of saying this, but I have to, otherwise I’ll go crazy if I keep bottling it in” Knowing what he was going to say, you blinked, your eyes inviting him to get closer. “[Name]” Cupping your face into his free hand. “I think I’m in love with you” 

“Coming from such a casanova, that’s a little bit hard to believe, Sylvain” You said witty. 

“After you left, I realized it’s always been you. You’re the reason why I can’t settle down with a girl. Because neither of them are you” He said leaning closer and bumping his forehead against yours. 

“Prove it” You whispered closing your eyes. 

“I’ve known you for as long as I can remember" He began, he leaned back, sighing in disappointment, since you thought he was going to kiss you "Life without you is no life at all, that much I know. You wished to never feel lonely, right? I will not let you feel that way again. Never. My wish is to never stray from you again. It happened once, and I’m sure I don’t want it to happen again” 

“Make sure to not wish for something you’ll regret, Syl” You whispered. 

“How could I regret feeling alive and full? I’d give up the world for you” His eyes met yours in the sweetest of stares.

“How come you never came for me while I was away” looking away, you tried smiling sarcastically.

“I tried" He answered at once "You can ask Ingrid. I tried at least three times. Those three I ended up locked up in my room for days" 

The look you gave Sylvain, incredulous, made him lose his calm posture and instead turn defensive.

"Back then I was weak and I was scared. But now, there’s nothing in this world that could stop me. I’ve grown, and I’ve changed. And if you asked me to, I’d keep changing, and never look at another woman, ever” 

“I wouldn’t do that to you, take it to that extreme…" You giggled, slightly amused "You’re a grown up, Syl. You’re free to do whatever you like" looking away from him, you stared at your feet, thinking of your next words "I’d like to ask you to be gentle with me. Don’t break my heart, please” 

You looked up to your friend.  He sighed deeply, a gentle smile on his lips as he leaned closer, bumping his forehead against yours again.

“I won’t. Your heart’s safe with me. I promise, [Name]” His velvet voice purred your ears as you closed your eyes, hoping that he'd finally lean in into the kiss you'd been craving.

“I love you, Syl” You whispered as he leaned closer.

“I love you too” Sylvain muttered, his breath hitting your lips, and your heart racing in anticipation. 

He closed the distance, a bit afraid and insecure. A million thoughts came to his mind before sealing the kiss. He was going to kiss his best friend, and he had just confessed to his best friend. And yet, the moment his lips.met yours, his mind went blank. His heart and your breathing was everything he could hear. Your scent tangling with his was everything he could smell. Despite the cool wind howling, your warmth was everything he could feel. Melting into your lips, you kissed him back.

#sylvain x reader #fire emblem sylvain #sylvain gautier #sylvain jose gautier #fire emblem #fire emblem three houses #fire emblem imagines #feth #fe3h #fire emblem x reader #I should be heading to school by this hour #but I am here posting #nkjdnckc #next one coming is one about dimitri #can u tell I took the blue lions route

[candyclan]

Coming out letter to my mom. (FTM) At the start of my transition, I wanted to go by a name that started with an “A”because my birthname did. All the rest of it is basically the same.

THE TRUTH:

I didn’t scream “I am a boy” at my parents. Honestly, my mother (specifically) controlled a lot of what I did, who I hung out with, and what I wore as a child. I believe she has/had an idea about what she wanted out of a daughter since I was born, and really just lived through me. I think she eventually had to give me room to make my own decisions, later in life. I didn’t come out until I was 16, although I had spent 6 months prior to even coming out thinking about my gender identity. I was extremely sheltered. I want you guys to know that I didn’t know what being transgender was until I was a freshman in high school and met my best friend (who is STILL MY BEST FRIEND TODAY) who identified as Non-binary gender fluid. I had never really met someone AFAB that lived to be anything other than female. With that came the knowledge that sometimes, men don’t necessarily have to have penises and I can wear whatever I’m comfortable with. I used to be religious in middle school (raised Christian) but I never found god. It never made sense to me how so many people can put their faith in other people’s ideas of what god is (the Bible) but not listen when their real CHILD comes to them and tells them that they feel uncomfortable in their gender identity. I also came out as bisexual in middle school, after meeting a girl I had a fancy for. To which my mother sobbed and cried and asked how she had failed as a parent. I remember loving pink, it was my favorite color. Pink, purple, blue. My top 3. Now it’s blue, pink, purple but basically the same. I had a pink room, loved hello kitty, let my mom curl my hair with little curlers at night so I could wake up and be somebody different the next day. My brother played with carebears and my Barbie dolls more than I did as a child. I remember a toy gun and handcuffs. I was fairly experimental as a child, I did: Girl Scouts, swimming, piano, soccer, ballet, cheerleading, and more honestly. I always got “boy” toys at McDonald’s (I mean cmon they’re cooler) I just was kinda everywhere. I feel like that’s easier for someone AFAB to be. My brother was harassed by my family for liking girly things but I was never shown that I couldn’t like stereotypical “boy things” by extended family. My mother however in the line at McDonalds I could never forget, turned and looked at me (baseball cap backwards tank top and shorts)and said “So, what?” “Are you batting for the other team” implying that because of the clothes I liked to wear I would be a lesbian. My mother (like I said, kinda controlling and extremely narcissistic) when I was allowed to cut my hair super short for the first time I was 16. Afterwards she has said things like: “but you’re so pretty how could you have cut your hair” “you looked so nice with long hair” I never felt akin to femininity. I was actually VERY uncomfortable with it. I hated being the “weaker” gender. I never wanted my nails painted. It was torture. I acted like makeup and and nail polish was torture, the hairbrush was my enemy. I used to just put my hair up in a low ponytail every day as I got older. I knew she’d never let me cut it all off. Basically, other than wanting to grow up strong and tough and not liking to be treated like a female, I was female. There were parts of being female I didn’t really have a problem with, and honestly that’s why I didn’t come out for so long. I wasn’t in a house or raised by people I knew would accept anything other than me being their “little girl” I was a daddies girl. So between my lack of understanding of where my feelings towards my gender roles were coming from, being encouraged by my family to be girly, not being exposed to gender diversity (or anything queer), and my controlling mother, I remained in the dark about who I was.

TRIGGER WARNING:::(abuse)::::: I was never close with my mother, and actually hated her growing up. To this day she is the most judge mental, self-centered woman I know. My father was funny, charismatic, and lost his shit sometimes. I like to say, 90% of the time he was amazing. We made jokes and could literally finish each other’s sentences. But honestly my father, 10% of the time was abusive. Most of my abuse in my life was covert (narcissistic abuse from my mother) and verbal/emotional/barely physical abuse from my father. He’s 6”3’ 350 lbs and very loud and scary, especially to a young child. He punched a hole in my wall, he threw a remote at a wall and shattered it to pieces, he threatened to kill my dog with a baseball bat in front of me. Which I swear to god he would have done if I wasn’t holding my dog, protecting him. These moments were few and far between, but they were riddled with insults and almost always left me with less than I started with. My father did spank my brother and I, and one time he clapped my brother so well that he left a purple hand mark on his butt. My mother told my father she’d take us away if that happened again. My father never left marks. He never had to, he was so big and would just get up in my face and scream at me. He made me feel helpless. Because he was invading my space I felt physically threatened, and he never actually had to touch me and leave bruises because that threat was already implied by invading my space. I was so young, but I always knew my family wasn’t right. Finally at 16, I stood up to my father for the first time. I didn’t care if he was bigger than me, I didn’t care if I would lose, I was willing to fight for me. Anyway, long story short the police were called because we were screaming at each other in front of his apartment building. I’m not going to say I didn’t fuck up as a teenager, but I never deserved the pressure and the abuse he was dishing out and had dished out my whole life. I knew that. I cut him out of my life just after turning 16, by then I had been questioning my identity. It became easier after leaving my father to fall into who I was. My father is FAIRLY religious and my mother claims to be but she never talks about god, she never prays, and now that my father and her are divorced I don’t think she’s been inside a church since. Losing my father was a lot, despite his abuse he and I were really close and had really similar personalities. The reality of abuse isn’t “well, now I see them as an abuser so now none of that good stuff is left it’s all tainted” I had to struggle with losing someone very important in my life at a young age, for myself.

Arguments against me being trans:

My family has been a bit divided in responding to me coming out. By now, it’s been about 4 years.

My mother and her side of the family are in denial. They don’t understand how I can’t be a “lesbian that just likes boy things”. They don’t use my name or pronouns.

My father, what little communication I have with him now, is bewildered. He and I had a discussion this past Christmas where I brought up what his abuse did to me mentally and he apologized but then tried to say “well what about your part in all of this” and said that I was hanging out with crazy depressed people, cutting myself, doing drugs, (I was smoking weed and I’ve tried acid like once piss off) and was sneaking out. Yeah. I did do all of that BUT GUESS WHAT. IM 20. I go where I wanna go. I fuck who I wanna fuck. I smoke what I want and guess what? It’s not any different from when I was 16 except now I don’t have parents up my ass telling me what to do. His argument basically was that I need to own up to what I did too and that fucking angered me. You don’t apologize and then go “well what about you” that’s not an apology. That’s deflection and honestly I don’t think I need to apologize because my parents were super controlling. I was just trying to do what I wanted and they didn’t like it. He and I have talked about me being trans and he pretty much thinks I’m certifiable. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

My brother: Ethan, my brother and I have always been close. He’s 17 now, and he had a different reaction to me being trans. Of all of my family he was the most receptive to my pleas of gender dysphoria and he suffers with anxiety so he gets stuff. But alas, after asking him if he’d call me by my name and pronouns (after 4 years of being out) he thinks that I am the one that has an issue with society. I told him I was starting T soon and he said: “Hrt won’t lessen all the things that come with being transgender. If you feel like doing hormones is the best for you then do it, but from a logical standpoint I think there just needs to be more thickening of skin” he claimes that if I try hard enough I could be fine living as female. Doesn’t use my name or pronouns.

None of my family supports me. None of my family understands. And none of them ever will. I have been out for four fucking years. I can’t tell you how frustrating family rejection can be. I have cried so much at the idea of not having a supportive family. I feel like I was ripped away from a beautiful life somewhere and thrust into this mess.

Honestly though, it doesn’t matter, the world keeps spinning and I keep finding people who love and accept me for who I truly am. I have made peace with my family’s lack of acceptance. It’s made me stronger and more compassionate towards others. Made me want to be better than them. I am actually going to start hormones soon, and on top of other fears I have, will be cutting my family out of my life. I can’t be 25 with a full beard and getting misgendered by my family. I can’t do it. They may feel like I’m going too far, that I don’t have to do this, but I do. I’m not doing this because I didn’t get too much attention as a kid or my mom favored my brother over me, I’m not doing this because it’s cool, I’m not doing this because I’m bored, I’m not doing this because I hate myself or anyone else. This is AFFIRMATION. Sometimes, cutting people who can’t see you for who your really are out of your life is affirming too.

Guys, girls, people, keep your head up. Things get better, I know. I thought life was never going to get better so I know that’s what it can feel like. But it does. Never ever let someone control your life or who you are. You’re beautiful/handsome/amazing! You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin and to love who you are. I am getting there, we all are.

Love,

Tanner M.

[tumblunni]

I had a really weird dream last night where it started off as some unrelated nightmare and then as soon as it got scary dr maddiman appeared and now it was all about him? Uhh, thanks madds! I wish i could learn how to do that on purpose, being able to summon your fave charries to save you from depression would be awesome!

The nightmare part was really damn weird, it was just my fear that if someone asks me to hold a baby i would mess up and drop it. So in this nightmare i did, and somehow its entire head splattered open like a jar of ravioli sauce IT WAS SO FUCKIN SCARY! and i was desperately running around the whole town asking anyone to call an ambulance but for some illogical reason they all said no, even though the mother was crying desperately over the baby clinging barely to the last shreds of life. IT WAS REALLY TENSE AND DISTURBING!! LIKE A WHOLE FUCKIN EYEBALL FELL OUT OF THE BABY’S HEAD how in the fuck even, it only fell like 30 centimetres onto some grass GAHHH im probably never gonna be able to hold a baby ever again.

So yeh I’m 90% sure that TRULY HORRIFIC nightmare was caused by the lack of sleep and general stress ive had over the last few weeks due to imminant moving house. BUT THANKFULLY SOMEHOW YOKAI WATCH SAVED ME

seriously it was so weird, one second i was in the whole scaryness and then suddenly it was the “nursing home for elderly yokai” and all previous plot was forgotten in favour of cute madds time. thank you whatever part of my subconcious is constantly occupied by my current viddygame obsession at all times!

the plot was apparantly that dr maddiman got sent to a nursing home against his will, and he was like ‘hello excuse me i know my family would not abandon me like i abandoned them, you are absolutely lying that they just dont want to visit me ALSO IM NOT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO BE HERE’ (cos well he’s an old dad but in yokai years he’s practically a newborn, right?) So his quest was to figure out how to escape this place and get back to his son, he was SUPER PANICKED that clifford would think he’d just abandoned him again. like this seemed to take place directly after some hypothetical yokai watch 4 quest where they actually reunite and started living together again, cos madds was having flashbacks to cliff hugging the turtle yokai and being all ‘im so happy i have little brothers’. But then literally the next day after that happy ending, madds just woke up trapped in this weird supernatural prison claiming to be a nursing home, so HEY YO WTF IS GOIN ON?

And the style of this dungeon was REALLY COOL! it was totally like a prison with nursing home themed decorations and stuff, and a bunch of comedic prison warden/nurse monsters who were SUPER BUFF and kept yelling stuff like ‘TIME FOR BINGO NIGHT’ *shoots giant bingo chips as weapons* or ‘TIME FOR A SPONGE BATH’ *bonks you with a sponge for 1 damage* *BONKS YOU WITH AN ENTIRE BATH FOR 999 DAMAGE* The biggest challenge however was gaslighting? like, every one of these clearly yokai nurses was all ‘oh everything is perfectly fine this is just a normal nursing home and you are totally human man’. So the gimmick for the dungeon was that all of madds’s powers were limited to only stuff he could do as a human, yet at the same time he still kept his yokai appearance and weaknesses like the big frankenheart. So it was an excuse for the gameplay to be similar to the main yokai watch series, you’d ‘catch’ other yokai to help fight for you. Madds had to find other patients trapped here and pull them out of the illusions to add more people to his party. And he was also kinda really damn badass?? Still fought with throwing his scalpels and making evil potions and stuff even though all his magic was sealed. Like “dude my ultimate move was already one of my inventions rather than an actual spell, youre really underestimating me.” And of course he had to get REAL SERIOUS because the love of his son was at stake!!!!!! But he was still the same funny doctor, there were a few good scenes of him struggling to get past physics based puzzles (it was like distortion world but with sofas?) cos he’s so short and fat. And i think one of the other old dads he could add to his party was that square journalist demon guy that ive seen in some fanart but i dunno what his name is? I recall he was sassing like “i thought fat dudes in overalls were supposed to be good at jumping”, and teasing madds by taking photos of him falling off stuff and threatening to post an article of his top 10 fails. But I also got the sense that it wasnt really cruelty but just an attempt to piss madds off so he wouldnt give up? like ‘nyaah nyahh come get me i’m up here’ and then he’d actually grab his hand and help him up if he reached him. Like he was actually very grateful to madds for saving him, cos he’d come to investigate the story of the evil nursing home and got trapped instead. But he was too tsundere to admit his gratefulness so he was just saying he hated him while also being super loyal and helping him fight? I dunno man this dream just randomly gave me the idea that they would be good quarrelsome yet cuddly friends!

Anyway, i couldnt recall all of the adventure after i woke up, but i think the ending was a boss fight against a clone of Hans Full? the villain behind the evil nursing home turned out to be dr nogut, who in my headcanons is maddiman’s dad so it was like an ironic punishment ‘you abandoned me so i’ll trap you in an illusion of your kids abandoning you’. ‘no dad i ran away cos you were an abusive prick, and it was your own damn fault you died in unrelated circumstances. ALSO YOU MISSED THE MEMO I ALREADY HAD FAMILY ABANDONMENT PLOTS’ (I think a way madds knew this was all an illusion is cos the details the nurses told him were missing everything that happened? Like ‘oh yes your family totally love you and nothing is wrong’, cos evil gramps just assumed his son had run off and had a perfectly perfect life that he was jealous of)

Anyway, nogut had made a bootleg knockoff of hans full and was like SEE HOW YOU FARE AGAINST YOUR OWN ULTIMATE CREATION (EXCEPT BETTER COS I MADE IT) And madds had some sort of badass one liner like ‘he wasnt just a weapon to me, he’s my son’. And him and his army of good dads managed to defeat Second Hans without killing it, to prove a point to jerkass dad about what true dadness is. It was a really bizzare way of winning, though! He suddenly broke the fourth wall and said “if i run far enough out of the loading area then the chasing AI will stop”, then blasted a hole in the wall and just set off running into the void of untextured scenery. i guess that could kinda work in-universe too, considering that this was an illusion dungeon? like maybe illusions just work that way, lol. So nogut’s big boss monster just was unable to move beyond the limits of the dungeon walls, but nogut himself was real so he could keep following them. Madds had to fuckin run a mile a minute to dodge flying knives from this dude, but pissing him off was exactly what he wanted! They ran so far into the void that nogut’s illusion dungeon ‘despawned’, and they were just stuck here. Like ‘if you want to get out, you have to uncast the spell and let all of us out!’ So he did, and then everyone was able to beat him up with their full powers and also madds’s son and all of his friends busted in thru the window halfway thru and joined in, it was basically maximum catharsis time! Also it turned out he was only using illusions to make his bootleg hans look bigger and tougher than the real thing, it was actually a pocket size wimpy version cos he sucks. So as well as rescuing madds they also adopted Second Hans and everything was super cute and even more family than before~!

so yeh a very good anti anxiety dream right after an anxiety dream, lol

#weird dream tag #i rarely actually have dreams about my fave characters so this was nice #had a pretty decent plot too!

[lilacponds]

Cosmos, shooting star, eclipse, spacedust, luna, blackhole, galazy, milky way!!

thanks for sending some and sorry for the lateness omg ahhh!! ♥

cosmos: what are you like when you’re angry at someone?

okay so it takes serious shit to get me pissed off to the point of anger, right? like someone can piss me off and ill start being annoyed and petty but not right out angry unless serious shit. and my family doesnt think so because im constantly angry with them but lmao they dont realise there might be a reason for that.

so, my parents - especially my dad - have a pretty loud voice, and unfortunately i got that from them even if i hate people yelling. i hate yelling myself too even when angry actually, but if people dont let me talk or ignore me or disregard what im saying i can get to the point of yelling because i cant find any other way to get my voice and message heard!! its frustrating!! but again, that happens when talking normally doesnt work for whichever reason, esp when others are yelling too, so in a normal argument i wouldnt start yelling right from the start

this... is actually hard to describe because ive only really been angry at my parents directly (ive been angry at friends family for being awful but didnt directly argue with them for various reasons) and more often than not i end up just leaving and trying to get less angry by listening to music and ignoring any fuck that comes to bother me, because they dont listen to me at all, they just keep on yelling

like... legit i cant think when was the last time i was actually angry at a friend (or someone that wasnt my family or friends family i guess??) like... i just... dont. get angry at people unless for serious shit. so i dont know how id be when angry at someone that doesnt act like my parents??

shooting star: what are you like when you're sad?

i close up, usually. i get in my bed, under the covers - even in summer, its comforting - and plug in my headphones to my phone. i find the song that fits more with how im feeling and just lay there. sometimes i end up falling asleep.

when i feel too depressed, which is different than sad but ill mention that too, theres more anger towards myself as well, so i do other stuff to do but also i ask a dear friend of mine to hang out sometimes too, and hope theyre free and want to hang out. being around them always helps a lot, and that counts for when im sad too.

eclipse: what are you like when you're happy?

o shit bro!! i light up like a goddamn firework!! im all smiley and giggly and sometimes dance or hop on the spot, i cant stay still! im at least somehow swaying, and giggling, and sometimes im listening to happy songs as well and singing along, if im walking somewhere and i need to get down the sidewalk i hop down sometimes as well, im just all bouncy and smiling!!! i love being happy man

space dust: are you happy?

atm? no

with my life? no

luna: favorite names?

oo theres a lot?? i like alex and max a lot, then theres jake, juniper, travis, nico, rachel... theres a lot of names i like!

black hole: do you have any diagnoses?

i have depression and social anxiety for mental illnesses, and psoriasis for other illnesses. i think thats about it? for now, at least?

galaxy: are you a sun, moon or star person?

moon and stars!!! i love them all. although if i really had to choose, i think id go for moon. i especially love the full moon!

milky way: do you prefer math or humanities?

already replied, math!

#ask Ayu #studyroha

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙||HOPE #3; ||You Know My Name, Not My Story||🌙🌙🔥🌙🌙

PART THREEE, FACEBOOK IM NOT A HARM TO MYSELF OR OTHERS THIS IS IN MY PAST XX TRIGGER WARNING XX 💚💚🔥🥀🦋A Lil Deeper Into My Demons Life; *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; about the visions he basically comes at night funny how "at night" is when i act out anyways, "johnny" did some huge damage to me and made me do damage to others, but mostly me, he abused me, made me breakdown millions of times made me violent with crazy ass visions of different shit, its like living in a horror movie.coming after me i tried to kill him but he never dies he said "pull the red wire" which one do i pull theres to many i hate when he "possesses" me when he comes after me even in my dreams he still makes me violent sometimes but less cuz im getting treatment. "you gotta nice autograph picture, one for you and one for yo sister" at my group home "JJ" hassnt seen me (except for once i was outside trying to kill me or hurt myself, i threw rocks at the car that Johnny was running over my mom with in the vision, she ran she ran and i almost went AWOL but i didn't) *Elizabeth "Liz" Ramos; ~The Night You Left, Turning Sara Into Elizabeth Ramos~ MY STORYxccc Written In 9/6/12 I was screaming, panting, searching, all over, so this is my story, so i was @ Preston's open house, right? and he got mad at me and tried to punch me so i punched him then i ran round the blocks screaming for you when people walked by i threatened them i was insane dark posessed, i stole a pack of cigarretes and some blue pills and Esctasy the cops (there were about 7 or 8 cars) chasing me but i was to fast finally i got thrown in my moms car i went home lockled in my room going crazy cutting till i was bleeding and beaten and bruised, trashing my room, destroying everything, graffiting on myself and the walls writing "666" everywhere. ranting on satanistic shit, listening to death metal, finally Johnny took full control and possessed me i busted the door down trashed the house i punched my mom and myself the officer in our house i stole a pill bottle and chased my family around ranting on and on i busted the front door open my mom tackled me to the ground i got out of her grip i ran into the dark going cxrazy going mad trying to die with Johnny chasing me and abusing me, after about 5 minutes they tackled me to the ground i went to the car destroying the glass all my personalities came out, i got more posessed than before i realized it wasnt you Cynthia sang to me and i knew it wasnt you it was your father, Presly Garcia, i know you would leave me i knew you would fuck up. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia; ~Lisxten Upx~ MY STORY.cc EMPTY.TO.EMPTY (WRITTEN AT RESIDENTAL TREATMENT CENTER) This is how I feel, i know you don't have the power to kill my mom you showed me that she burned in a fire well fuck off Johnny are you real? NO YOUR NOT FUCKING REAL. MAKE ME A PERSON OF DARKNESS, my depression digs deep Johnny no Johnny STOP MAKE IT STOP HELP ME HELP ME STOP IT NO GO AWAY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? but you can't kill mommy please dont take me to the ends. i don't know about you, but im done. this is how i feel, i feel lonely, and shattered, don't know where to go, what to do, im just done, i don't care about me, i hate me. I HATE ME. the new me isn't like the old me, the new me has lost herself inside and outside, mentally and physically, im lost inside a big dark hole of lonleyness, depression, sorrow, hurt, blind, numb, fucked up, mental, ill, scared, paranoid, crazy, done... If i leave i know, that you would be laughing you wouldnt cry JUST FUCKING WATCH ME SUFFER ABUSE MYSELF TO DEATH AND YOULL LAUGH YOUD BE HAPPY. and as i say goodbye, noone will here me. shit. worthless. lonely, nothing. wasted. IM FUCKING DONE! LET ME GO GET OFF ME IM DONE!!! its all clashing down nowhere to hide, trapped inside, wanting to die, wanting to cry, burst, break, can't breathe, its all inside, i have to get out before everyone comes down, i'm sorry to you all for making your life misrable. Something in my brain is missing or snapped, i can't reconize myself, im going dark, nothings helping im getting crazier, getting worse, its taking control of me its killing me, all over, its not normal, its killing me all over, im blind, im stuck, about to break, a chemical embalance, im different. my hallucinations make NO SENSE IM NOBODY WHO AM I I DONT KNOW WHO I AM. im losing my mind idk who i am its the end, wait stop talking, there coming in suits killing me, why arent i normal? whats going on? laugh laugh feeling intoxicated mental retardation out of it delusional fuck man im losing it, im going insane, idk who i am, help me, lost 40 lbs idk who i am real bad hallucinations, try to kill myself, my amazing friend Oscar prayed with me, cared, comforted me, helped me, he saved me brought me to God. I WANT DADDY. WHATS GOING ON? repeated phrases over and over in my head in my mind its broken, IM SCARED, "circles and squares for people who cares" i wanted to die, stayed up all night in the hospital bed, for 20 FUCKING HOURS. nothing makes sense.... BAD.EPISODE.SCREAMING. there after me, i dont know whats going on whats happened to me, ive changed for the worse NO NOT THE CHANGE. idk whats real and whats not, im not in reality, im in a dream can't wake up WHEN WILL I WAKE UP? my life is crumbling, Johnny is becoming real, bad anxiety, mom called 911 WENT TO ETS MENTAL HOSPITAL, CUZ I WENT CRAZY, THEY TOOK ME AWAY DONT TAKE ME AWAY WHY DID YOU TAKE ME AWAY??? IM JUST DONE AND OVER... bye :( *Good Daddy/Bad Daddy; So this is how it all started, so on 3/18/14, Tuesday, i tried to commit suicide, the night before i pulled an allnighter with my iPod, and pulling allnighters effects my medication, i was hearing my dads voice talking to me, saying, "im coming back" "no your not you little bitch so shut the fuck up" "im coming back nomatter if i like it or not" the next day at school i went AWA around campus. i was already pissed and triggered, i missing my dad, so i told my teacher and i went AWOL twice, the 1st time i ran i tried to jump in front of a car and my staff saw me and the OGI van was already chasing me, i refused to get in the van, they took me back to the school, i got out and went AWOL again, try kill myself, the van chased me, i fought to get in and this time the staff escorted me to the residential dorm quiet room, i got in 6 restraints 4 escorts, i selfharmed with my nails and i was damaging property. i had a whole bunch of people talk to me i screamed "i wanna go home" everywhere, i started hearing and seeing things, i didnt go home i went to ETS mental hospital, in an ambulance, all this shit happened cuz i was being unsafe, now i learned my lesson. *NXSP; ~Underestimated~ My Storryyxx 8/12/14 Sometimes, its not what it seems, its not reality, could cry and hurt myself for hours not sleep pull allnighters one day after another im bloodshot my brain is sufficating you can see all the hurt and pain in my eyes, im scared, wanting to die, take my family with me, im just so messed up, im done with this shit the mentalness the non functionality the disorders, im tired of me, im tired of life, im tired of everything. im just, darkness. ON 8/7/2012 In progress... okay its now 5:02 P.M, Johnny's awake again, ready to start raising hell, hes in process or "processing" hes adapting, ready to posess me, imma take off the motion detector im FUCKING BLOODSHOT READY TO FACE DEATH IM TO UNSTABLE IM TO DANGEROUS. and the wires, well white wires, trying to break free out the locked doors , so sweet, the dectectors on the doors the wires on the walls, the blood on the ceiling, the dreams that crash my mind MAKE ME FUCKING BLIND. myself broken to peices, 2:00 AM still up slaving myself, about to go out on myself, wanting to hang, but its just a thought, an addicting thought, the pain and suffering theres no end to the feeling, im down. almost about to become someone else, the transfering starts as i transform into someone dark, a dark shadow waiting to come out and kill the light, as the blood drips down me, on everything, my wrists, so silent, then i scream, cuz im bloodshot, eyes you can barely see nomore, cuz there full of blood, clear for water, the wires falling down, and strangle herself, now its 5:00 am, still awake ready to start it all over again. xx {.} isnt it funny? its like im a completly different person, no touch with reality, yes i do agree ive changed for the worst, mental in the head, my brain doesnt function right, and im different, im not normal stanger to myself its like im a complete stranger... mentally unstable, physco, not normal, im so ill, like im a complete stranger FUCK IT MAN. to crazy for normalcy NO FUNCTIONALITY THE PERFECT FUCK MY LIFE. insanity insane ive dissapointed all of them WHO AM I? nothing.. to bad for me, haha isn't it funny??? "Ms Function or KnoqoutToCrazyyes.no.or.maybe." *Flyerway; (POEM BY ME ALISA MONEE ALVAREZ/SARA BERGER) ""Have you heard the news lately, i was born to be dead, meant to be someone, but now imma noone, so now i blaqout, see you later, well maybe... Open your eyes, see yourself cry, die, break, and fade away, heartless and cold, stone cold, broken and empty, noone else knows, the pain that unfolds, the dark side of your mind, mental and lonely, how come you never told me? some reason or excuse, to keep me from me, is it because im to crazy or im sick in the head? all those stories you told me, when i was a baby, something changed right inside me, then i grew up for noone, had no love and acception, then i became different, to crazy to function, my brain is defunctioned, im old and unstable, but i am not able, to pay back the life i was grown to, crazy and physco, noone to hold me, sing rock'a'bye'baby. I guess i was born crazy, mentally ill, built a wall i cant break down, these chains tied right on me, broken and knoqued out, have you heard me lately? i am noone BUT IM BECOMING A SOMEONE I FOUND MYSELF AGAIN, THROUGH GOD, HE SAVED ME, IM READY TO BE HEALED TO BE RECOVERED END THE DARKNESS, GET BETTER, END TREATMENT, IM FUCKING READY YOU BITCHES CANT STOP ME, Im not gonna lose it all, go all out, make stupid ass choices, no dangerous stuff, imma maske the right choice I LOVE YOU GOD, THANK YOU@!!!!!"" POEM BY ME. THE END. *Johnny "JJ" Garcia/The Ends/Erin Ramos; ~Break In The Dark, Molero Fever~ Myy Storii xc :3 8/7/2012 "JJ"s awoken from his sleep, Putting Liz and brother's fire out, tonight ...Hes awake, hes awake,please save me, i cant control him anymore, i cant fight him anymore, not even for you, please mom come and save me, make him dissapear so i can see the stars again, Johnny, are you wake? are you ready to raise hell? i knew youd come back, are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna try to take over me, no no no dont touch me, to many people to much noise to much sound, no shut up, rock back and fourth, no mom please fly here tonight and save me, please no no no dont die Preston, are you really in the hospital? no hes not bleeding, open your eyes, JJ do you copy? send Preston to The Ends, the end of WHAT? no Johnny let me go, PLEASE LET ME GO, is that him? no no no no no no NOOOOOO lET GO OF ME. don't touch me DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME GET THE FUCK OFF ME. hes not dead, he cant be, im bleeding, Johnny stop not there, no i need you mom, no Johnny, no Johnny your not me, your a liar, NO IM NOT NOW HOLD STILL, IM GONNA KILL YOU, NO JOHNNY, PRESTON, MOMMY, hes now awake, processing, Johnny to Constance, send em all to The Ends, put there fire out, NOW, I SAID NOW BITCH... *Constance McMann; Saturday, 2:28 pm, Auguest 18th, 2012, Constance i need to ask you something. Dear Constance, i know how hard you worked to take care of me, but i still cant be here, alone, in this spot, sure i call you and i ask if theres a way to escape "JJ" but your answers always the same, "pull the red wire" but i dont know where it is, so please tell me, i love mom i really do, i cant choose between my real mom, and you Constance, your my sister, i call you my mom, but YOUR NOT MY FUCKING MOM. Liz Ramos, OUT... Thursday, 7:29 pm, Augest 23rd, 2012, and in the dark, he must remain. *NXSP/Erin Ramos/Liz Ramos; Things Erin did wrong... 1. told JJ about the red wire, 2. mentioned "the thing", 3. told JJ "L"s number, 4. pulled up a knife to Preston, 5. told JJ that Lisa is "L". Aye, call JJ back @2:30, call mama, to pull it all out, the numbers of "US" make the dreams harder, follow the red wire to kill it all, all the Garcias all the McManns, i thought i was outta sight, but im back on, calling Lisa 60 times a day until he kills, i dont know who, but it all means something, Lorene, i thought the socket was already electrified, i shaked and shaked, now look where i am, look where Preston is, sick as hell in the hospital bed, stop calling Lisa, im asking you Johnny, im not, im not, IM NOT break out with the green wire, i know you can, what about late night? i made a contract for the program, now JJ put me on level drop, 4RF, bitch, now I...I...shit here he comes, calling me, OH SHIT. -.- This is a blog i wrote when i was at my level 14 residential treatment center. Tuesday, 6:51 pm, Augest 21, 2012 LIFE OUTTA JOHNNYS SIGHT, WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU, I TOLD YOU SO... why JJ did you open up a new story on us, not willing to even notify me, ive been in the program for 4 fucking years, and you never mentioned "The Thing" to me, im one of you guys, i had sight put on me, and now you want me to uninstall it? JJ get it thru your damn head that im a part of "US" im not going to The Ends i know hes in the hospital. you told me he was sick, i thought you were a liar, but i know its for real this time. the outsiders think your nothing but a freak, unexsistable, fake, but i know your real, i dont want to get a new master, im out of sight, forever, this is me Elizabeth Ramos..... oh my fucking god Erin, can't you see Liz doesnt want you or need you, just shut up, i dont want to hear it, shes outta sight all because of you, NO JJ ITS NOT MY FAULT, please just give me one more chance i dont wanna go to The Ends, im sorry i mentioned "The Thing". No Erin, times up, the red wires been pulled, and its all BECAUSE OF YOU. now we have to live outta sight, and Elizabeth, when she finds out Johnny cant be her master, and ill tell her the excact reason why. Im Erin Ramos this is me... bye. What do you mean? are you saying he left? AGAIN. i know Liz, all im saying is he can no longer posess you. then how the hell am i supposed to raise hell? if it hadnt been for Erin, we wouldnt be in this fucking mess, this would have NEVER HAPPENED. no CeeCee you know what this means, were gonna be sent to The Ends, if one "Ramos' pulls the wire, all the "Ramos" will be taken to The Ends. Do you know how low functioning Erin is? NO. I DONT GIVE A SHIT IF HE IS. SEND HIM TO THE ENDS, IM NOT GOING DOWN THAT ROAD, being a "McMann" HELL NO. Liz, im so sorry, i should have told him, its not my fault, ITS NOT MY FAULT... This is Elizabeth and CeeCee. nite bitch.... Okay Tuesday, 8:38 pm, Augest 28th, 2012, this is Plumb and Erin Ramos, JESUS CHRIST HOW LONG HAVE I KNOWN YOU? for all the time ive known you, like 2 years? shit, Erin hasn't even told Johnny about you yet, Plumb. i know your my friend, my step sister, but i have to tell Johnny, if you want to be a part of "US" i have to. But what if he doesn't approve me for the program? WELL THEN GET YOUR ASS UP AND START THE PAPERWORK. what paperwork? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID? youll be sent to "The Ends" if JJ hears that, dont you EVER deny paperwork, oh and dont mention "The Thing" either. whats "The Thing"? Dont tell JJ that i told you what "The Thing" is, alright? i promise. okay "The Thing" happens excactly on December 30th, 2012. YEAH AND? what happens is all the wires will be pulled, and every person that asleep while its happening will be sent to "The Ends" Erin is gonna be sent to "The Ends" regardless, i know you like Erin, but hes your step brother, he doesnt even know you exsist, well im logging off, nite o> *Michael Alvarado-Alvaro/DANCING Squares/Veronica&Victoria Enxxelia; [[[[ -----Will You Believe Me If I Went Insane? (These are TRUE REAL Stories I had written in CHYC treatment center back in 2012, these are 100% real, about my hallucinations and me going insane, my stories && my raps.) X'd Out Bitchz-----]]]] 7/12/2012, Ronnie Irez, Coded, got in the shower half naked, sat there crying, digging deep into my skin with the blade oh I pressed it against my skin, watching it bleed, the blood rushing down, brings me to my knees, don't feel no pain, but I'm enjoying it, the blood dripping on the floor, but I don't care, just stand there, watch me bleed, at that moment I jumped and hit the ground, no tears came out, oh hell no, I tried to move but I couldn't, I was stuck, this is just payback for my choices, I tried to get up but I couldn't move a muscle, well this is how I am, visions of killing and fighting and burning down this place, so I got up and climbed out the window, I pulled out my gun, pointing it towards my mouth, thinking of death, suicide, ending it all, Johnny's got me now and I'm just fine, I assaulted 5 cops, and I ran, so faraway I couldn't be found, the world is cruel, it's full of pain, all I think about is numb blank fucked up thoughts, that's all I want to do, all I ever wanted, so I pull out the lighter and my cigarretes I smoked until I fainted, getting faded, and it all turned black , oh I'm so sad, so sad, full of pain, now I feel it, now oh I regret it, bye mom bye dad, see you later, oh no . *Charlotte McMann; 7/12/2012, fire and flames, last week was the day I did it, now I regret it but I did it, I tried to kill my other, I walked into his room and tried to choke em' watch the satisfaction on my face grow, to see him in pain, to see him suffer like I once did, tried to kill em ' all to take em' where daddy is, so we can all be together, and burn this place on fire, and kill every fool in this damn place, yeah I said it, and I'll do it , hell no bitch yo getting in my face, I'll fuck you up before you can blink, have a nice rest while I knock you out, see you in hell, cuz dats where yo ass is going, can't you hear me? can't you hear my voice or are you just ignoring it . yes you tried but you didn't make it, sorry for your loss but it's not my problem, well goodbye have sweet dreams cuz when you'll wake up it will be dark and empty, burning like my soul, like my heart, like the diamonds in your fire , cuz I'm no liar cuz yo just a fake, the cops are chasing me, you'll never catch me, cuz dats just me. Cold and over, shivering outside , the rain is falling down , try to make it through, oh sorry no I can't, I try to walk my way , but there's nowhere to go, my home is so far away, I'm cold and alone, where are you ? I need you, lead me the way I need to go , oh I need to know , where I am, where I need to go , before I lie here and die, my bodies getting old, I'm just laying here like a stone, bodies tense, muscles to hard to move, can't seem to make it any further , come on, come on , your almost there, you may not realize it , but you go to believe, just a few miles away , yes you got to believe, crawl faster, get up , please, I don't wanna see you so broken, I wanna see you try, climb , run , please please your almost there, don't give up now cuz your getting close, your thinking why try harder? but you've got to before you die and get taken away from me, I've already lost enough, I can't stand losing you, leave me like this, shattered inside , cold inside and out, skin scratched and bruised and bleeding, I'm so cold , can you see through me ? if you can please tell me, why me why now why does it have to be this way , why does it have to end like this? *Contance McMann/Erin Ramos; 7/14/2012, see your face, burn down the house, watch it fall, try to stop it but it's no use no more, later that day she burned in a fire, I ran in there, tried to save her, but you know what , she was already dead, the body was turned to ashes, I picked it up trying to bring it back to life , opening eyes like a pleasure, there were red and bloodshot, I had a mental breakdown put it in my trunk, road off the bridge deep into the ocean, we drowned to the bottom, I passed out then I woke up in a hospital bed , body scarred, face burnt, I looked up and there was Constance , I was scared, didn't mean it, I saw your face Constance, please forgive me,it was just a vision, just my mind playing tricks on me , I sorry I was sweating now I got up and slipped and fell when I saw your face, I jumped I was scared oh Erin not now , please not now, I grabbed your body and hid it, JJ killed ya, oh I saw your face , yes i saw your face, it was gone forever. ^.^ *Flyerway && Eddie/Edgar/Chillwax Alejandria; 9/3/2012 My last step, baby it's gonna be okay, don't worry ill be alright, I tried to tell you but you never listened to me I don't care anymore, what you say or what you think, I'm in pain, all over my body, the scars are infected, my life is over, as I inject the last shot of meth, I say goodbye hopeing I would die , die slowly in pain, I light the candles there on fire, I step into the bathtub, water burning, I take my last step in life, I try to cry but it's impossible to me, I'm in so much pain, I can't take it anymore , JJ is after me , trying to kill me, I just want to escape , I'm melting and falling to peices blood all over, ready to die, but then I see you, your face is shocked, you yell and cry, I can't stand to see you hurt, I try to crawl out, but it's to late, body is numb and now all I hear is sirens ringing, your crying, police trying to save my life, I feel so numb, but I don't care, this is the end and now I say, goodbye... *Elizabeth Ramos/Constance McMann/Charlotte McMann/Josephina "Paid2Kill" Hernandez; xxGotNoPleasurexc -"Seeing Me, Elizabeth Ramos , It's Like Reading A Nightmare" (my hallucination alternate life) , by me Sara Berger/Alisa Alvarez- _____Walk into the classroom with your head held high, say hello to everyone inside, my greetings warm and friendly, but when I go outside I remember that I don't have a home, and I feel alone, remember the day I dressed you up for school? The day I cried when I said my goodbye? As you got on that bus and drove away? You don't know what goes on through closed doors, at school everything seems fine , I sit down and do my work quietly and I see all my friends, and act like it's all alright , I'm scared to get in the car , what's gonna happen as soon as I leave my second home? Behind my smile and my hard work and kindness is someone broken and damaged, I can't show it besides behind closed doors. I walk into my house , no parents home, my sister Constance Ramos is inside sitting on the couch, waiting for me to come in with my substances, I pass out the liquor and the cocaine and get high every second of the day, I never had real parents cuz my dad was a physcotic killer and my mom got sent to jail for drugs , aggression , and sexual assault. My dad abused me 24/7 and put a gun to my moms head countless times, and beat her till she bleed and suffocated, he was a serial killer addicted to meth and crack cocaine, and my whole life he beat us to death , tortured us, till we blackout, and cut us up, and abused us to death. Finally he got sent to jail and he killed himself, so I didn't have a dad, no parents, I had to raise myself, my mom was so traumatized that she got Alzheimer's, she was like a 2 year old, she couldn't take care of me and she had physcotic episodes, then the police came cuz she started shooting her shotgun at the wall and all around the house and then at me as she was screaming "I wish you were dead, just like your father, go get raped or killed and kill yourself" she was not in reality she got hijacked and possessed and thought I was her husband and thought I was someone else, she didn't knew who I was, I was like a stranger and so was she, just a blank cold dis activated stranger, she wasn't my mom she was an animal who didn't know reality, and I was like bait to her for her physcotic episodes, then she drowned my head in the tub and burned me and tortured me worse then my dad as she got possessed, she shoved my head against the wall beating me and suffocating to death and stabbing me and torturing me, then she took her shotgun and pointed it towards my head, before she raped me while I was on the toilet and injected drugs into me, the police took her away and I moved to a foster home. The house parents were drug dealers, and they were crude and physcotic, they raped all the children and murdered them, they tortured us like a murderer would but we had to keep it a secret, shhhhhh they said, very quiet, they abused us bad and attempted to kill us, mainly me and this other kid Erin Vanity, we both got brain damaged , our bodies were bloody and scarred , I took Erin in as my little brother and we grew close, but he was low functioning as well, so I had to teach him, one night when we were sleeping I got a call from the neighborhood police department , saying my mom died after she got arrested she jumped out of the car and into the freeway, so I never had parents. I went through 24 foster homes where we were tortured and on drugs, finally me and Erin were on the streets for 2 years doing crazy physcotic illegal shit and killing , and that's where I met this girl named Constance Ramos who was also on the streets, she took us in and we became family , The Ramos Family, we lived together , and then Johnny Garcia came into our lives, he became my master , and me and him and his father Presly got possessed and raised hell (definition for torturing killing and doing physcotic insane and murderous Satanistic shit) he was my master and were physco insane , dysfunctional killers, and we raised hell all day and all night, doing the craziest shit u can think of, and I came home to Constance snorting cocaine and Erin smoking and having a physcotic episode, trashing the house and he was mentally 2 years old. I had no family all my life has been trauma, so I continued to raise hell with Johnny , then he took us to NXSP , a world of controlled programs we went there and raised hell like Satan would have but worse, we became physcotic killers , everybody was, finally I had a home, we were controlled and possessed and our minds were controlled and damaged and we were controlled by our minds and by our programs, I went there to raise hell , I came into the real world and they possessed me and I was out doing crazy physcotic Satanistic shit just as bad as in NXSP, I went insane and my mom was out of it (my mom in the real world) , her little girl was gone I became possessed as Elizabeth Ramos, raising hell and I still had no one so besides being physcotic and living in NXSP and dealing with possessed possessive insane hallucinations and turning me into a possessed physcotic person, i pretended to be fine. I came to school like nothing was wrong, I said my hellos and friendly greetings, but behind closed doors I was raising hell in NXSP, going crazy as Sara and Elizabeth, doing crazy shit in both of my lives. You still don't know what happens behind closed doors, cuz it isn't what it seems, when your seeing me, Elizabeth Ramos .