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#dont even @ me ive never been more right
s0fter-sin · 4 days
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something happening on a mission, something personal that has soap spiralling; panic and rage making him reckless, thoughtless, and ghost has to draw the line
“you’re compromised johnny; you know what that means?”
“you’re not pulling me out,” soap immediately snarls. he turns on him and ghost barely recognises him; venomous fear turning his eyes to unyielding ice. "you're not sidelining me; i need to be in this-!"
but ghost has never been afraid of venom; spat or dripped straight from bared fangs.
he snakes out a hand grip the back of his neck, jerking him in a rough shake. "if you can't think, you can't be a soldier," he growls and he flinches like he's been struck.
his lips quiver as they twist in a sneer and he wrenches, trying to free himself of his hold.
ghost doesn't let him.
"it means you give your body to me because your head ain't fucking attached to it anymore."
soap stills, body trembling beneath his hand as he sucks in shaking breaths.
he tightens his grip, pulling him closer and digs his forehead hard into his. “it means you give yourself to me so i can have the weapon that you are and use you the way you're meant to be used."
the ice in soap's eyes fractures.
ghost’s voice drops to a whisper, spoken only to johnny, not this facade of vengeance and pain, and wills it to reach him through the glaciers.
“so i can keep you safe ‘til it’s done and i can bring you back.”
#in my head its bc graves abducts his sister and is using her as hostage to draw him out knowing ghost will always follow him#but the intensity and intimacy of saying ‘you cant trust your mind not to betray you so let me be in charge of your body until you can’#after what happened to tommy he could never deny johnny his right to save his sister#but its bc of what happened to tommy that he knows he cant let him do it alone with only his rage to guide him#hes more likely to get himself killed and ghost wont live through that#so he has to balance it#and the only way he knows how is to completely shut down soap’s mind until hes no more than instinct and muscle memory#if he cant think practically then dont let him think at all#reduce him to a place where he can only follow orders#and when its finally over and his sister is safe and graves is dead#only then will he drag johnny back up to the surface#he’ll do it even if it means dragging him kicking and screaming back to humanity#instead of letting him sink in the depths where nothing hurts. theres no fear down there. no pain. only order#and thats the risk ghost took sending johnny to that place but he only did it bc he would stop at nothing to bring him back#and help him through the after#the breakdown. the rush of panic and rage and relief and anguish johnnys been supressing on his order#it was his word that turned johnny into a ghost#and its his touch that brings him back to the man#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#cod#soapghost#ghostsoap#ghost x soap#ghoap#simon ghost riley#ghost cod#john soap mactavish#soap cod
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sea-buns · 3 months
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Forgive me if I'm a bit nervous about Gorgug this season. It's just that the last Zac Oyama pc was Colin Provolone, who was arguably one of his greatest D20 performances, if not the greatest.
Zac always does great with every pc he plays, but Colin was something else. He came out swinging with actions and words that were teeming with unspoken emotional baggage. The way Colin's presence affected the other pcs; there was this level of depth that I don't think I've seen in any of his other characters. It was understated and quiet in that signature "just a guy" way that he tends to be, while still captivating everyone instantly with just how raw it was.
Not to say we haven't seen emotional depth in Gorgug. It's just that, compared to the other Bad Kids, Gorgug's journey and progression as a character has been very... impersonal? Like, yes, he found his birth parents, and he found friends who appreciate him, and he faced his insecurities about his intelligence, and he navigated relationship troubles, and his trial through the claustrophobic bug-tunnels was a horrifically-uncanny parallel to how he's spent his entire life trying to make himself as small as possible.
But how much of that has actually changed him from the Gorgug we started with? I would agree that he's definitely happier with his life, given all the loving and supportive people that have been added to it when it used to be just him and his parents. And he's certainly grown into himself and become more self-assured in his abilities, even if he's still, and always will be, our anxious little guy. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've always liked how Gorgug was a representation of all the little things. The subtle acts and kindnesses that don't seem like much to most, but to some are everything.
We don't need another Bad Kid living in fear that their mouth could be shit-in at any moment. We've already got one-too-many.
All that being said, I just feel like Gorgug's personal story beats are much easier to sweep under the rug than everyone else's. He has the same soft and understated quality that Colin held, but they lack that extra oomph that pushed Colin over the edge from being just another guy in a series of dudes, to a character that the vast majority of us could not get out of our heads. He took someone who was anxious and softspoken, who ultimately never wanted to be violent— someone who is remarkably similar to Gorgug in many ways— and maintained that demeanor and core in Colin's character while still hitting us in the feels with character development at max velocity at every turn.
I think Zac gets better and better at this with every season that goes by. With each new character, there is always something that leaves me stunned in awe. And it's been, what, three? Four years since we last saw Gorgug?
I'm just,,, I'm cautiously optimistic but also going into a bit of a worry about what violence this man may inflict upon us
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isawken · 7 months
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i need a certificate of provenance proving that i’ve been going by the name ken for a decade now. i simply cannot bear the thought that people, when hearing my name, think "oh they must have really liked that barbie movie". i am not a recent ken adaptor i am not a ken trender (kender) i am a legacy ken and i need to be respected as such
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xannerz · 2 months
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its always surreal to me to see people praise s2 of centaurworld. s2 was so spectacularly bombastic and aimless and it ended in this awkward forgettable fizzle.
i feel like a dick saying it b/c i really do love the show lmao. or, at least half of it lmao (/stares at tnwk). gf and i've been thinking about rewatching it just to write out our thoughts on why s2 was such a poor follow-up to s1 - from the tone to the setup to all the worldbuilding the narrative had to offer in between the (far more) memorable songs of s1. idk. it's sad because cw really had the bones of a cult classic, but idek if you can call it that.
ive seen a few posts commenting on its lack of popularity, and i feel like it certainly deserves more, b/c i do feel like it's a novel idea made w/ love, but the shift btwn s1 and s2 wasnt just in the plot. there was a full-on *fracture* in the quality and direction and i'm still scratching my head over it. more than i should be, probably. but, it's just a bummer.
#centaurworld#centaurworld critical#<- a tag i never thought i'd use lol#ok EDIT: fuck it im tagging this maybe there are others who'll also see their own viewing experiences in this post too#dont mind me rambling#but i got an ask on my thoughts abt cw a long time ago (hi!! i still have it 😭) and ive been wanting to write a detailed response since.#debating tagging this since the fandom's already p small and i dont wanna bump the tag with negativity#even if it is (what i feel is) p fair criticism. but idk people are sensitive and conflate it w hate idk idk#ive seen thinly-veiled hate posts in the t*ngled the series tags and it's always bothered me.#bc you can tell op just like hates xyz character or the show entirely and its like can you just come out and say it LMFAOO#but i genuinely like cw. i so so very much do. so i get bummed out! gf and some other friends and i were so excited for s2 and#when it rolled out ep by ep we were like 'it'll get better right? right?'#also tempted to just draw more cw fanart in general bc the t t s fandom is slow and if half the people dont have each other blocked#theres simply 0 overlap in fave chars or interpretations so lmao#im going back to work i just feel sour LMAO#also adding that i think a lot of people conflate a story eliciting an emotional reaction from you = its good#but ill revisit that and all these thoughts again eventually in another post. we'll see.#and i STILL want a nwk tattoo lmao. or at least an elkie. gf and i love elk bc of this guy! the impact that he has!#xangoeswah
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isabugs · 4 months
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puppyeared · 4 months
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Helloooo popping in to say I love your art! It’s cute and feels soft (reminds me of when you’ve got a really smooth pencil and it just ghosts across the paper) but your poses and anatomy also give it a good feeling of realism :D
classic question here; do you have anything you’d say is a big influence on your art? I love seeing what people answer and trying to connect it back to the kind of thing they currently make :]
!! thank u!!! i do wish i could get more creative with angles, but im happy knowing my art gives u that feeling ^_^
I really enjoy comics!! I like poking thru graphic novels and webcomics, so I've fallen into the habit of exposing myself to lots of different styles over time that I'm fairly explorative with my art. It gives me a lot to study, especially since different artists have different strengths and preferences
I also think of myself as a simple person, so I'm not strongly attached to anything in particular... I notice a lot of artists find their ground in certain interests or aesthetics. But since I'm not really like that, I try to put a bit of myself in whatever I draw to connect with my art better. Its probably why I like taking creative liberty when making fanart lol
im also drawn to indie creative work like games and animation! they tend to be extremely varied and unique from each other, which is great since I work from my own sense of curiosity. I also hate repetition, so having things that set themselves apart visually or otherwise is something I like to look for.
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opens-up-4-nobody · 26 days
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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seariii · 1 month
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I was stressed but now i'm more chill and really sleepy...
#overall my mood has been better but i am so incredibly terrified of the future... its like....#like i feel as if someone has holding me at gun point and got told thst if i did any mistakes they would shoot#but then im not given clear instructions on what i need to do and i have to figure it out myself#i am really scared... even tho all of this gave me a new objective... i dont wanna be obsolete...#... so... that what we will work on... also... i wanna work towards my dreams...#I've been putting it off for so long i want to do it#people support me and actually enjoy my voice... i want to...#the things on my plate right now are things i can achieve... but i want more... i want things i actually want...#i want...#my house has a constant buzzing sound. i believe its because of the small power plant behind the lot. which makes it difficult for recording#since i have to get rid of that and that messes with the rest of the audio#its comforting to know it wasnt the mic tho... heh...#tomorrow lets try to take the first few steps... well more like lets try to continue with the set up#we have already a couple stuff but we still have a lot missing...#... today the girls said some stuff that impressed me... thats how im perceived?... is that what people think of me?#i kinda want to... fulfill those 'expectations'... they dont expect anything but its more of a me thing... ive been dreaming and hoping for#so long but i dont take the next step. i never do... and its because of the executive dysfunction... but... once i get the hang of it...#once i do... everything will be excellent... and we will take it easy#i am so tired already... i feel im gonan falla sleep#seari talks
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bangcakes · 3 months
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#personal#was gonna message today but then i DIDNT. IDK. IT DIDNT FEEL RIGHT. AND I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO SAY.#I KNEE THE TOPIC BUT LIKE. WORDING ?????? WORDS???? IT WOULDNT COME#its okay tho. its okay. i literally have a fuckin note on my phone where i put shid i can talk to him about in the future NDNNDNDJXJDJDJDMD#GOD LMAO. IVE NEVER PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT IN. IM SO......#hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its mostly been me messaging first but like he keeps it going....... GOD LMAO#it was like that in person too tho. like we would just stand/walk n not say anything JDJDJFJKFKFJXMXMX GOD#i wasnt made for this oml. i dont even talk to ppl that much. like idk. iDK.#i just... 1. i dont want him to forget about me 2. i dont want him to think i forgot about him#3. i dont want him to think im not interested in talking to him anymore#ok 2 and 3 are basically the same but JDJDJDJDJDJDJDJD#IM SO BAD AT KEEPING IN TOUCH. LIKE THIS IS SUCH A CONSCIOUS EFFORT ON MY PART. LIKE. I HOPE HE REALIZES????#also like. id love if hed message me first. hes done it before. but there was more to talk about while the sem was still going. now its#like... ok we can talk about exams n grades but now its christmas so like ??????#and like. GOD. is it like... is it TOO MUCH??? to say merry xmas to him?????? or would it be normal?????#im just ???????#GOD. i want him to know i like him but i also uh.... DONT??????? IDK IDK#i also kinda wanna see if we can even be friends outside school. but like HHHHHHHHHH i cant take it. I WANNA SEE HIM XJFIRKRIRFDIODDKHDJZJZ#hhhhhh god pls dont let me be the only one feeling this way istg#im just !!!!!@@@ i never expected this to happen to me ok. but if its Reciprocated. like TRULY. i think i'll actually like. break down#crying JDJDJDJKDKDKDKDKDKX#like Happy tears. like.... Disbelieving tears. hhhhhhhh#but..... n e way. i got this far. and when ppl dont like you they avoid you or come up with excuses. but rather hes moving like Toward me.#like i couldnt have gotten this far without him like.... Participatjng#god its all so new and weird. i just#if youve never felt this way. you probably will one day and wont know what the fuck to do. its all just too weird#literally went from like screamin about sj to like. a guy in my class JDJZKDKKZZMZMZ its fjne. its ok#know hes Cute tho.#thats another thing. i never imagined i could like have someone so Cute.... god. i'll die if he likes me back. hes so so Cute. not my usual#type. like. physically i mean. personality wise hes typical of me NFNFJFJFMFDMDM n e way. hit the tag limit 😳
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frankly-alien · 1 month
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look. i know that the best thing i can do is shut up and get to work but like, i am so so tired you guys. and i know everyone else is too and everyone else is probably more tired than i am and im speaking from a place of immense privilege here, but im really really tired. i am educating myself and i am learning and i am being quiet and i am building others up as best i can online and in real life. but i barely have enough energy the shit i need to get done to keep my head above water, and its hard to be helpful and present and active right now. i know im complaining and i know that being in a community is work but i am exhausted lmao
#this ken's job is useful lmao#its hard when i dont pass enough for cis people but when i dont pass enough for trans people it hurts on another level#with cis people its: misgendered all day. ignoring the pronoun pin. explaining to me why people are uncomfortable around 'sensitive' trans#people. looking at me when im in the bathroom stall and that kind of thing. handing me my T and calling me 'she' to the other pharmacists.#little things. i expect that of cis people.#but with trans people its: asking me how long ive been on T and then telling me what i can do to make my beard thicker to pass better#its asking me if i have a binder while im wearing it#its not being able to use any other pronouns aside from he/him/his because no one will use 'he' ever again for me. in fact a lot of times#folks just start using 'she.'#im happy to fill a more traditionally masculine role than im entirely comfortable with if it makes the lives of the women in my life better#and i would never distance myself from other trans people just because im ineptly presenting my gender#but at the same time. i would like to be given a little bit of grace so i can wear the clothes i like without being misgendered by my own#community. i know that the comments made about my body and the state of my transition weren't meant in malice but i am allowed to feel hurt#that the care i try to extend to others is not returned to me#again i realize that as a white dude im the last person who should be complaining. and i understand that most of my trans siblings are wors#off than i am. im just feeling isolated and tired and every time i seek community i find that i do not meet the qualifications#this isn't anyone's fault really its just kinda how things are for right now. for what its worth im sorry that my body isnt right even afte#i did the hormones but it is the body i have so id thank you to stop telling me what i can do in the gym and what haircut i can get.#rant#sorry thats just been eating me alive lately#im not making a prescriptive statement either im just feeling my feelings lmao#delete later
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cheap-slaw · 6 months
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#long time since a did one of this#blah slaw#posts... erm but idk i have thoughts. first thought is#how im more mentally committed to the relationship (platonic) and story line of shadow and stone ive concocted in my head than stobotnik rn#idgaf about Bot im sorry 😭😭😭#i only care for him in the sense that he is dead which pushes stones character forward 💀 fridging stone... whoops#idk if thats the right term... whatever#im also still dealing with charm orders and im almost done!!! so close!!!! tbh i dont think ill ever do this again...#dealing with the post office & managing msgs & all the money stuff is ... a lot#its for some people but its not for me 😭 little art fairs and tabling at cons in person? thats for me!!!! i love that#so i'll be inperson sales only for the future. but maybe not forever idk#im so close to closing my illustration job! just a few more ends to tie off and i can quit... i looked into the company more and man#im ashamed i evee signed a contract and wored for them... their terrible... i was very niave and over excited about the opportunity#to realize what i was getting into and whom i was getting into it with... itll be over soon#after everything i barely want to pick up a pen of any kind. i think im a bit burt out. i dont know when I'll draw next or what it'll be...#looking at my computer and even thinking about drawing feels overwhelm#i think trying to balance my day job with a difficult illustration job and still find time to draw for myself and then organize orders when#id never done it before was way too much for me. its been a learning experience for sure...#i need to be boiled for a bit. left to simmer. or maybe rotated on one of those rotisserie chicken things#cooked until well done for a while#if that makes sense at all#did any of this make sense?#ps if u see any spelling mistakes... no u didnt DX im bad at reading and writing thats why i draw ahdjkskakaka
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moms getting competitive w her eating disorder again
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#she keeps mimicking how ive been living and now that ive been sliding back and restricting again due to stress#she's been body checking around me more talking about how much she works out how 'toned' she looks#and dishing up smaller portions than me only eating half and then saying 'oh i'm so full...marie#if you can't finish yours just throw the rest out...'#she had her friend over yesterday and the poor woman made the mistake of confiding in my mother and i about her ed#and i gave her some advice for recovery & let her know that anorexia is hard to tackle esp when you're taking care of someone else at the#same time but its doable..and she was asking about what i do when i relapse#and obv i didnt go into detail so as not to like. give any ideas. but it was nice to have someone Nice to relate to on that front#immediately my mom jumps in with 'oh i restrict too! thats what i do! i go days without eating and count my calories.#marie doesnt work out like i do because their therapist said not to..but i work out so i can stay toned and confident.' like no you dont#it hurts me that shes doing this shit to herself but i know shes doing it in front of me to feel superior because she Always Has#its CYCLICAL with her. as soon as my gf left the mask came back off and she was right back to the mama i know#using MY CLOTHES to body check using MY MIRROR infront of me i feel insane.#like i told her i feel disgusting because i gained two pounds and im at 114 now and she immediately started talking about her weight and#that we need to stop buying 'junk food'#MOMM....OH MY GOOOD...#whatever whatever . i'll get over it in a few mins im just pissy in general and i feel like i live with a 15 yr old sometimes.#ed ment#i will say it uswd to be worse when she wasnt in therapy n shit but hhghhthtnf even my dad who is Never Home has picked up pn it and has#started checking her and telling her to keep it between yhem bc i dont. i canr handle that rn dude
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onlyfangz · 5 months
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when i say im an insomniac, i dont mean i fall asleep at 2am and feel a bit run down the next day. when i say im an insomniac, i mean once when unmedicated, i didnt sleep for three days, hallucinated, and was hospitalised, and when i am medicated, it takes 10mg of melatonin before my body decides it might fall asleep before 7am, so i hope yous can understand my frustration that "i overslept" isnt an acceptable excuse.
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todayisafridaynight · 6 months
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Wanna put your friend in a lil terrarium just to see what wacky things she does stg 😂
i actually Cannot Stress the migraine she gives me every time we hang out. like without fail she'll always say or do something that ranges from mildly questionable or irritating but relatively Whatever to How Have You Survived This Long Without Burning Your House Down Boiling An Egg
#snap chats#and then there's her just forgetting things or being late despite the amount of times ill remind her#and i keep stressing to her i cannot stand it when people are late. and then she shows up to things an hour late anyway#or 'when shes late' by fifteen minutes because she didnt think to text me she's there. and im already stressed and annoyed I. UGH i swear.#LIKE. i have only really had two irl friends and both of them i lowkey had to parent in some way#at least my childhood bestie she's like. she's grown a lot and even if i havent spoken to her in a while im real proud of her right#THIS MOTHERFUCKER THO. OUUUUUGGGH.... youre not supposed to say anythin if you dont got nothin nice to say#which is contradictory to the main body text but point is let me Not be any more mean than how ive been already LMAO#even funnier about her looking at that comic is that LITERALLY masumi says he's talking to jo ☠️☠️☠️☠️#did i already say i have to remind her who jo is every three seconds#like the entirety of chap 2 when ichi's out of jail she was all 'why doesnt he just say who ACTUALLY killed the guy'#and then when we finally run into the fuckass who 'actually killed the guy' she's just 'wait who's that'#then i tell her and shes like 'oh my god he's so old now' IT'S BEEN 18 YEARS DUMBASS#ngl did wanna make a comic based off that LMAO BUT POINT IS she tests my patience every day and i think its good practice#if im going to work with people in the future like ohh.. my god....#she told me once she's never been on a date and its like. yeah i wonder why you can't even be assed to show up on time to hangouts ☠️#like ive never had friends so maybe im just insane.. im not insane for wanting people to be on time tho....#OK IM BEING TOO MEAN LET ME CAP IT THERE
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vampmilf · 2 months
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#i just need to make it 48 more days i just need to make it 48 more days i just need to make it 48 more days#clutching the sink knuckles white and repeating it into the mirror like affirmations#istg im running out of momentum and patience and willpower like what exactly am i even supposed to do here#i miss feeling like home and i miss being loved and i miss having people care about me like. man this sucks.#i keep trying to focus on the fact that at least i have the scenery and the peace that i wanted but mannnnn. what the hell#this has been building up for so long and esp the last couple months and im trying sooo hard to hold back a relapse im telling myself like#ok just make it 5 more days bc then the number on the day counter looks prettier <3 ok now just make it another 5 days <3 !#and another 5 days <3 okay maybe just one more day you can do one more day <3#and its not like i want it to happen obviously but at this point i think its naive to pretend like it wont bc ooohhh boy if i dont#manage the jump into the next manic episode and crash instead like. at this point ive bottled it up for so long i know its gonna be#a bad one#if i just time myself right and fuck myself up a little i can make these episodes last until concert week and then thats gonna give me a#good enough boost to last me another month and then its gonna be spring and that can carry me and then its gonna be summer and ill be#extra busy w tourist season and after that maybe this will either fix itself or ill be in a better position to at least#catch myself if i crash#idk man.#doing bad teehee#the torment is relentless and the horrors never cease but you gotta keep on slayin 💅🏼✨️✨️ so thats what ill do 💅🏼✨️✨️✨️✨️
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hella1975 · 1 year
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im being so serious besties i am not cut out for academia
#like yes i know ive had a very uniquely shit experience in doing a degree i actively not only hate but also am BAD AT#but also i just. cannot hack it#'but hella you go mental and pessimistic every single exam period' i know that but. im right also#like the other day i said to my mum how much ive just been enjoying my job recently#and how huge a deal that is bc i HATE my hometown and ive never ever considered my time here as possibly being good#and my 20s will hopefully be a lot of travelling but in between that to save easier im gonna live at home#so i dont have to worry about rent so alas that means when im saving up for my next trip I WILL BE IN MY HOMETOWN#and as excited as i am for my twenties that is one huge downside to me but i was really cheerfully saying to my mum#that literally for the first time ever ive considered it might not be too bad bc lately i have just enjoyed my job#like i enjoy the people and the work and the lifestyle of it and while it's never gonna be ideal as a means to an end it's actually good#and instead of focussing on that she went OFF on one about how she wants me to stay in education and keep getting qualifications#and she was like 'you could do an english degree you've always wanted to do english or how about open university-'#and i was just sat there blinking at her like girl.... no#like i could FEEL myself shutting down like the terror of having to return to this environment when ive got my sight so set#on that 'one more year and im done one more year and im done' mindset like that has been the only thing getting my through#is that im halfway through the course now so im closer to the other end than i am the beginning and if i can just push through#ill be free from it for the rest of my life. so the thought of immediately returning to academia even for a subject i adore? i felt ILL#and my mum apologised the next day without me even having to say anything bc she realised she kinda bulldozed me there#but i just know whether it's the adhd or ive actually been traumatised by this econ degree#(<- and im being serious there like ik 'traumatised' is a big loaded word but idk what else to use#and this degree has done so so much damage to me like it has convinced me that i am fundamentally a stupid person#to the point i refuse to add up bills when with friends or do answer any sort of intellectual question even if i KNOW i know the answer#bc ive just gone so so long of being bad at the only subject im studying like just SURROUNDED by it and being bad at it relentlessly#and i dont think people realise how damaging it is to very simply just... feel stupid all the time. but oh my god i used to be so confident#and bright and now i wont even do basic addition in front of people)#i really truly dont think i can do this again in any capacity. like the constant exams and studying and assignments#i just cant do it. maybe i just need a year or two away from it after this degree but my goddddd rn i cant see it#yes it's exam time for me can u tell. it always makes me existential and on the verge of vomiting at any given moment#i hate it here i hate it here i hate it here i dont care about iterated deletion of strictly dominated strategies shut the fuck up#hella goes to uni
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