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#dont have the mental capacity to make a whole set but lets just look at his nose and cry together
vegascumqueen · 8 months ago
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About ME
About me
When I was 16 I was working at smiths. I have written previous Hot stores about my smiths days. If you haven’t read then you should!! 
While i was working there, I had met 2 boys one day who came in to buy slip knot tickets. I was working Ticketmaster at the time. So I sold them their tickets and closed up. They were my last customers for the night. Then after finishing my shift I walked out to my car where guess who was there? Mike D & his friend Mike L. Well instantly me and mike L are into eachother. I think I may have gave him heads in the parking lot that night. 
Then like 2-3 days later I realize that I’m done with mike L and his friends Mike D is starting to look really good too. So I tell mike D that I want him. He tells me he wants me too. Him and I decide to date for 3 years.  It was pretty normal except I use to cheat on him all the time. 🙈 
Well I think mike got tired of my bullshit and he decides to cheat on me back. Instead the girl that he was cheating with (from work) wanted to be with him and he was dropping me. I was shook. Seriously. I was not expecting him to play games like this.  She was hot tooooo….A dancer for La Reve for the Wynn. Mike worked casino parking lot security on the bikes and he met her as she was parking and walking into work. 
So I get dropped, for a hot bitch. I was sad. For 22 days I went through hell but I decided to sign up for POF because that’s always the answer right! Lol 😂 I didn’t want to be sad anymore and I was going to go try and date! 
Well that’s where I’m met chadd. My baby daddy. The name tattoo under my boob. Yea that guy. 
Well when I met him he was pretty normal. Normal sex. He had a daughter, she was 3. We were in love. It was fun. He told me he wanted to have a baby before his daughter gets too old. So we get pregnant🤰 then married all within like 3 months of knowing him and his daughter. 
I was also 100lbs heavier at the time. Chadd was 350+lbs (explains my love for big guys) So About 4 months into my pregnancy we give up sexually and I also get put on “bed rest”.
So during this time is where my “husband” was watching porn a lot and he came to me and was like, “hey I found this kink..I want to share it with you!” So I say what of course and he tells me he is into cucking or cuckholding 😈
We dive deep into it. He encouraged me to go out and have sex while I was pregnant, which I did multiple times. We found boys to come over nightly and play with them. Sometimes he was involved, sometimes he would stay in the living room. Sometimes he would book hotel rooms for me and these boys. It was fun. It brought us together. We bonded over my slutty adventures and it made me feel okay with the situation at the time. We were doing wild things together and it felt so naughty. 
After my pregnancy we continued to explore with cucking. I was still sleeping around. This is where I met the two brothers and fucked them both in my house while recording it for my husband.  In fact the reason why I got my tubes tied is because I got pregnant by someone else. (Entirely different boy) I knew it was someone else because my husband and I had completely stopped fucking and some how I was pregnant again x2 right after having my son. So we decided that we were good on the pregnancy scares. I didn’t want any more kids. So I tied my tubes. My OBGYN had no problems with it because I was open and honest with her about everything. 
So, abortion + tubes tied and were back in action. 🙈 SLUUUUTTTTTT!!! Hahaha….
For 4 years we live in a serious cuck relationship. Him and I completely stopped fucking and the only sex I was having was with others I was with outside of my marriage. But honestly this started to get old and it was drifting us apart. We were young and I dont think we had the mental capacity to work through those really mature cuckholding conversations & situations.   If you ask me the reason why we are not together is because his Fetish and us being so immature. Like I couldn’t understand why my husband was never wanting to fuck. Like I knew why but I couldn’t process it at times. It would eat me alive and I would ask him and I never felt like I got love from him at a certain points in our relationship and it was no longer fun. It was me having a a whole separate life.
So my sons father and my relationship ended pretty cordially. We kind of decided we were great friends and we were a team for our kid but we both wanted different things. So we separated. He stayed in California and I moved home withy son to Las Vegas and started down my sluttiest ways & I was fucking everyone that I could!! 
Insert my wild and crazy apartment stories here!! I have about 3 I wrote already about me fucking residents and letting myself go wild. + fucking married men at the mall + my sadist in the model homes + all sorts of wild things. 
That’s when I met my ex Christian. The crazy sadist. Sugar Daddy gone Psycho.  When I met him he was paying me for weekly submissive play sessions. Christian was moved by pain and fear. Every sexual encounter with him was a sexually fearful experience. We did everything from drowning play, water boarding, getting my ass beat, bruises were his favorite, i was constantly brought to tears, to humiliate me he would throw me in the car and drive me to the closest back alley, and we lived in downtown Las Vegas at the time, so those grimey alleys by Charleston and 17th were my torture sessions, he would throw me to the “bums” or they would be a set up arrangement, I never knew. I knew to never question him. 
So, I went from literally one extreme to the other. From sissy soft CUCK to militant crossfit drill sergeant type SADIST. 
This is where Adult World comes into my life. We found this place by accident. We walked in because it looked grimey. He instantly fell in love. 
After Christian found out about it and after he learned how uncomfortable and nervous I was when I was there he capitalized on it. He loved to torture me. That was his thing. If I was being bratty or if I was in trouble for something he would happily put me in the car, any hour of the day and drive my ass over to Adult World and make me service cocks for everyone in there, including the owner and employees of the place. I was a literal cum dumpster.  Then I was rushed home and fucked in the ass by Christian and whatever friend he was hanging around and then pissed on by both and degraded the entire time verbally!! Sometimes he would tell me he’s picking meep for lunch and then he would drive me to adult world for some protein. 
Christian loved anything taboo or violent. He would experiment on me all the time. Whatever he found, whatever he discovered, I was his toy. He would also film everything. 
Christian and I were together for 4 years. (4 years of content) Well, We decided to move it to Asheville NC and that’s where we lived and started a small coffee shop that grew into a super successful free standing shop in Biltmore Village.  This is where the SOUTH ADULT STORES come into my life. We would drive out to Carolina Video Exchange and he would make me serve all those super sweet southern gentlemen!! If you notice all those boys are perfectly sweet!! 
During this time in my life, my ex husband was running a super illegal weed operation. + other things I cant name.
Well, when I decided to go be successful in another state (NC) with my current fiancé and my son that I had full time, but my ex husband heard about it after my move and decided to cry to his (very wealthy) daddy and they brought their peanut brains together and hired an attorney. This attorney just so happened to be their direct next door neighbor.  Over the year of fighting with this attorney and him missing deadlines, missing paperwork in general, not providing adaquete evidence, this guy was a complete joke of an attorney and he constantly was laughed at with how pathetic him and his staff were!! Travis Shetler, fuck u dawg. 🖕
Well, after getting a business up and running out in North Carolina from nothing and getting my son figured out and situated in the south and getting I was getting ready to marry Christian to start the rest of my life with him in North Carolina, I get hit with relocation papers from the family courts here in Las Vegas! This idiot tried to tell the courts that I kidnapped my son. Which brought us a whole year of court fights / bullshit and all the stress that brought my life. 
I flew into Vegas for my final court appearance which ended up being 2 days in court because there was so much dirt and nastiness dug up.  I sat in the court room and heard the announcement of me winning my case and I was numb.  The fighting that christian and I were going through was not worth it and I made the very weird decision to move home regardless of winning my case, almost instantly after. 
Why? At that time I felt Christian was doing everything in his power to fuck me up on my court stuff. This was towards the end of our relationship and he constantly was opening my attorney mail and not relaying info to where I was missing info, or missing flights for my son, or missing text from my ex and making me fight extra with my ex and when I would ask why or what is he doing and he would respond with he is the one in charge and what he says goes. Instantly I was over it. I do not stand for that at all. So the next day after winning my case I left my son with my mom so I can move us back home to vegas to restart our life again!! 
P.s.  this was my lowest point in my life!! I was fucked in all the ways!! Lost business, lost relationship, no money, no help, no friends, just lost...
I flew into NC to pack my jeep up and move home. I did. I left. Traveling home across country by myself was fun, said no one ever.  I was crying sobbing and heart broken.  It was dark and I was in the middle of Missouri and my jeep decided to blow its engine at 11 pm, on a really random road and I was alone in the dark with my stuff and no service. I walked far enough to get service late as fuck and I finally was able to call a tow truck. The tow truck took me to a hotel, then took me then mechanic in the morning.  The mechanic shop was fun.  6 meth heads in Missouri who had a blast when I showed up in the morning wearing a small dress and was completely stranded.  I needed help.  They told me my jeep was going to be $6k to fix. I broke down in tears. I offered my pussy they said they would love to fuck but it wouldn’t help my jeep issue. So I freaked out and called my cop aunt who saved me in the best way possible. 
I got home finally and it was rough. I was a mess emotionally & financially. 
I decided to get a job at the bar across the street from me. It was fun. I had also decided that I was going to put my wild sex life on hold. I was done with gloryhole & bdsm & strangers. I was now super single and needed to find my new direction and focus on myself and my son. 
I worked at The Lodge for 3 months before I met this boy named Dustin. Dustin was fire. He was a bad boy, ginger (I LOVE GINGERS), long red beard, tattooed, biker, smirky cocky attitude. Dustin was essentially everything my father was!! They even looked identical. I will show you if you want to see. 
So I met Dustin on 1/1/19. Come to find out Dustin had a girlfriend that night but I never knew! We meet and it was magical. Dustin and I played pool at the bar and then went home to his house for a wild night of very vanilla fucking. Very average, very basic, nothing special but oddly it was exactly what I needed. 
I dated vanilla biker boy Dustin for 3 months before he offered me a job at the bar he would party at, called Cornish pasty. I got hired instantly. I was working with Dustin’s best friends Jay who was a MUCH MUCH HOTTER version of him. Dustin wish he was as hot as Jay. Anyways I get hired as “Dustin’s girlfriend” and I’m that girl right, Im the one with the reputation not to mess with because dustin is a bad boy. I am now thrown right in the middle of Dustin’s world. I’m hanging with all his bikers, serving them at my bar, drinking with them, partying with them, eventually fucking all of them but we will get there!! 
Well 3 months goes by and now Dustin and I are together for 6 months at this time. We’re starting to have some issues which I didn’t know at the time but they were pertaining to him being a total coke head!! I didn’t understand why he would be in a coma for 2-3 days after he would party with Jay and Cornish Pasty kids. I knew something was weird but when I asked him he made me feel dumb instead of admitting he was a druggie and I was dumb and believed him. 
Well, Dustin had a friend named Arthur. Arthur and I hit it off and were also really good friends and we shared a lot with each other and while I’m working at Pasty.  
So I’m dating Dustin and I randomly one night get a call from an old friend (someone completely separate) who ask me if I am aware that I have 28 sexy slutty naughty videos posted on Porn Hub!! I lose my fucking mind!!! I reach it to Christian who essentially laughs in my face and tells me to go get fucked!! I had to hire an attorney and get my porn pulled down professionally. It was a nightmare but I handled it.  I handled it all by myself and I didn’t tell dustin because I knew he would flip the fuck out!! 
But one night I was at the bar and I was super upset about it and Arthur and I were drinking together and I told Arthur the rundown of the videos and what happened and how christian threw them up on the porn sites. Arthur was super apologetic and understanding and couldn’t believe someone would do that and wanted to go find christian and tell him what’s up right….🙄
Well fast forward a week or 2 and Dustin and I are fighting, I was working day shift and he was working night shift and this was a Friday. He had asked me if I was going to go to his bar for a drink to which I responded with no, because we were fighting.  He told me he didn’t like that I was drinking at his bar on a Friday night alone without him there when all his friends go to that bar.  I kinda laughed at him and decided to do what I wanted and I did not go to his bar. Which pissed dustin off. I got blocked. 
So Iinvite Stephanie down to drink with me and were hanging out all night.  Were drinking those 10% abv beers and were lit.  Around midnight We decided to go across the street to another bar which I thought was a good idea bc I knew dustin was going to come down, which he did. 
Instead of hanging with his friends tho he decided to come find me, high on cocaine and drunk off Henny.  When he found me he charged at me and all I could hear was his screaming “THIS FUCKING SLUT, THIS FUCKING GLORY HOLE SLUT”  “YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING WHORE” as he threw his beer in my face like a little bitch. Stephanie tried to jum in and he turned around and threw his beer bottle at her causing her forehead to open up. Then I get pushed outside…by my hair him screaming at me more, more glory hole comments and names and him announcing to the whole world what I did and how I have porn videos on the web of me doing glory holes.  TOTALLY SHAMED!!!!! 
Then…..Joey, the bartender comes out and Dustin charges HIM!! Punches him right in the face!!! Joey is knocked out cold!! Stephanie and I take off running for the hills!! 
The next day I had to file a restraint order on him + take pictures and give statements and get a detective. It was nuts. But I was now known as the single girl downtown who got beat up by her boyfriend for having glory hole videos on the internet!! That was my new reputation… lol.  That was fun, for almost 2 years I did not dress sexy or look sexy or try to be sexy!! I was shamed!!! It was awful!! I also partied a lot!! I had no other way of dealing with things so I would just party and drink myself into a frenzy every night!! 
I was also hurting very badly and I was also the new single girl and with Dustin beating me up it created a divide at the bar. If u liked dustin, you didn’t anymore especially because I was so sweet and so not deserving of that drama! So now instantly, just like that I won over all of Dustins friends. Especially now that he was 86’d and couldn’t come in!! Hahaha!! I won!! 
So guess what I did? I fucked them all, I fucked his best friends, his old friends, his new friends, his short friends, his tall friends, his black friends, his white friends, his brown friends!! Anyone and everyone that Could so that it would get reported back to him!! Hahah fuck you dustin!!! 
Covid eventually happened and I was fired because of covid closures. Tite. I decided to webcam. Webcamming is essentially virtual bartending so it was easy, fun and I made good money! For 3 months I focused just on webcamming! It was cool, the fans taught me about only fans. I would share stories that I had a video with and they suggested to upload it on that platform! 
I started twitter and I would follow pornstars. One pornstar did a Fuck my phans and I copied her! In August 2020 I released my first FMF video and I quickly learned that the owner is in my own content creating!! 
I have been having fun sharing my slutty adventures with you all since July 2020!!! I thank every one of you for being an amazing fan and I love you so so much!!! 
Love Lexi!! 
P.s. Feel free to ask me anything you want!!! 
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mystym · 8 months ago
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https://thegreatsaints.tumblr.com/post/641651520979533825/why-dont-you-believe-that-instead-of-being-born Can you address this point regarding infant baptism and why Orthodox Christians do it, if not for original sin? Thank you
If people want to read, here’s the link in the ask -
https://thegreatsaints.tumblr.com/post/641651520979533825/why-dont-you-believe-that-instead-of-being-born
Let’s start with infant baptism and why it is done.
Part of the answer is tradition. To explain, look at this verse here-
In him you were also circumcised with a circumcision not performed by human hands. Your whole self ruled by the flesh was put off when you were circumcised by Christ, having been buried with him in baptism, in which you were also raised with him through your faith in the working of God, who raised him from the dead.
Colossians 2:11-12
Circumcision is a precursor to baptism - as circumcision was a kind of rite of initiation with the old covenant, so too baptism is an initiation into the new covenant founded by Jesus on the Cross. Circumcision was done as early as possible, even on an eight day year old child in Genesis 17:12. So, we keep that up out of respect, baptizing infants where we can.
I think it is worth noting that there is evidence within and surrounding the Canons of the church that infant baptism was a thing from very early on. Canon 84 of the Quinisext Council (692) discusses what to do when someone claims to have been bapitized as an infant but has no evidence, and there is a commentary on Canon 13 of the Council of Nicaea (325) by a Van Espen which notes “that after baptism and confirmation the Eucharist was given even to infants.”
There are also a handful of times where the Bible mentions family baptisms, such as in Acts 16: 33-34 -
At that hour of the night the jailer took them and washed their wounds; then immediately he and all his household were baptized.The jailer brought them into his house and set a meal before them; he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God—he and his whole household.
It is reasonable to assume that at least in one of the instances of family baptisms saw an infant being baptized.
To explain another reason why infant baptism is a common practice, I’d like to talk about baptism itself.
Baptism is, of course, largely about the cleansing of sins (or remission of sins, as seen in the Nicene Creed). It is also the descent of the Holy Spirit, the act of allowing Him to dwell within the baptized person, and as such unites the person to God (including Christ’s death and resurrection). There is language used in the texts for Orthodox Baptisms about how baptism is the death of the old person and the birth of the new, as a sort of echo of the death and resurrection of Christ, and the service includes an exorcism. There is a hymn repeated a few time during the service which reads, “As many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ, Alleluia.” Baptism is necessary because of this union with God, not just because of the washing away of sin. There is nothing here that cannot or should not apply to an infant.
As an aside, this is why we see saints celebrated who had no formal baptism (think martyrs who converted shortly before being executed) - sometimes, God sends the Holy Spirit down upon someone who can’t get a formal baptism, baptizing them through their sufferings and experiences. He unites Himself to them and forgives them, doing everything a formal Baptism does for a person.
My father always put it like this - infant baptism is a formal declaration that the child does not belong to the world or the devil. We banish any demons that could have attached themselves to the child, we ask the Holy Spirit to dwell within the child, and we give the child their first communion. The child gets to participate in the fullness of the Body of Christ (i.e. the body of the Church) for as much of their life as possible, be inspired and effected by it, rather than having to wait years to do so.
Now, original sin. To start, Orthodoxy does not call it original sin, we call it ancestral sin, and we understand it as an inheritance of the consequences of the first sin of man, which is ultimately death. It stems from this verse -
Therefore, just because of one man sin entered into the world, and death through sin, and so death spread to all men, because all sin.
Romans 5:12
We suffer because our fallen-ness makes us prone to sin, which effect not only us but the people around us.The idea of inheritance of sins is ridiculous and goes against another verse -
The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son....
Ezekiel 18:20
To use the understanding of ancestral sin in context of baptism, take the fact that the Orthodox understanding of ancestral sin’s great consequence is death and the idea that we are joined to Jesus’s crucifixion and resurrection in baptism. Jesus destroyed death by death, changed it into a possible way to join God rather than be separate from Him. Baptism, then, wipes away ancestral sin’s guarantee that death is separation from God. We still sin, still get to choose God or reject Him in our life, are still fallen, but baptism is the sure way of opening the to God.
Before I finish, I want to quickly address two things I have seen used to argue against infant baptism, just for the sake of being thorough.
First, children and their capacity to know God. I have seen people argue that children, especially infants, cannot understand faith and thus shouldn’t be baptized until they can.
Knowledge is not only intellectual. Understanding is not only intellectual. Relationships are not intellectual. One of the key ways we know (understand, form a relationship with) God is through just the experience of beauty. Think about how John the Baptist leaped in Elizabeth’s womb when Mary visited - an unborn child was able to recognize and feel joy knowing the mother of his savior was there. I think of a story my parents told me - my mom got a sonogram very early on in her pregnancy because the doctors were worried about a complication. When my mother saw me, she laughed in joy. When she laughed, I danced. I, unborn, with no real mental capacity, was able to experience joy, understand my mother’s joy. Now look at this text from Saint John’s Divine Liturgy,
Shine within our hearts, oh loving Master, the pure light of your divine knowledge and open the eyes of our minds to comprehend the proclamation of your gospel.
Notice how what comes first is the heart, how divine knowledge is asked to be shined not within the mind, the place of reason, but the place of emotion and the experience of beauty. Even an unborn child, then, can know God. Our knowledge from a place of reason is important (it’s in that prayer from liturgy too, after all), but beauty can provide all someone needs if it is necessary for it to.
Second, the usage of “repent and be baptized” to say infants, who cannot repent, cannot be baptized.
To start, the sponsors (Godparents) of the child deal with all speaking parts on behalf of the child (including rejection of the devil and all that), and as I mentioned above, children can still “choose” God, though not in an intellectual way.
Also, it is not necessary to interpret repentance and baptism as “you need to do them both at the same time." They are both necessary in the long run, but repentance is a lifelong struggle while baptism is a one-time event. Everyone will need to repent long after baptism, so a child not being able repent at the time of baptism isn’t something that should bar them from baptism at all.
I hope this is clear, and please ask if anything needs expansion or further explanation.
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star-anise · 2 years ago
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I think I am having vicarious stress about how immagrint families are being treated at the American border too. Also other horrors happening in America though I live in Canada. How do you cope with that? If this question is annoying or personal you dont have to answer. Is it weird to feel post election stress after the 2016 election although I am not American? I heard American college kids had almost ptsd levels of trauamtic stress after the election in America.
It’s funny, today I was on the phone with a grad school friend who does front-line crisis mental health work in the USA, and grew up being heavily involved in the Democratic Party. She said, “I have such an issue with this rhetoric now, like, ‘don’t look away.’ Bitch, I haven’t looked away for two years. I’m fucking exhausted.” Because things like that are intended for the people who do look away, who are conservative and apathetic, but often they only reach an audience that is already engaged with the issue, and they land like hammers on people already trying their hardest.
And yes, freaking out about the shit that goes down in the USA is a fine old Canadian tradition. To quote Pierre Trudeau’s 1969 comments to the US president at the time: “Living next to you is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant. No matter how friendly and even-tempered is the beast, if I can call it that, one is affected by every twitch and grunt.”
(And Canadian politics are definitely negatively affected by the USA. My province just lost its NDP government because its Conservatives “aren’t as bad as those crazies down south!” and I have a sinking feeling the Cons will cakewalk to federal victory too in October)
You might also notice that on my blog, I post about political issues in only a small number of cases: 1) I have a unique observation I think needs to be added to the world, 2) It’s an issue I genuinely haven’t seen covered yet, and I know people who would want to know; 3) It’s a feel-good story meant to comfort people who are fighting the good fight; 4) It’s advertising an immediate, low-barrier thing people can do right away to directly affect the situation; 5) It’s a resource to help those fighters be better activists. And I do my best to always tag political posts with a standard set of tags to let people ignore them, so if somebody wants, they can follow me and just get my cats’n’fandom content.
The audience I usually have in mind when I blog are people like my friends: Smart, compassionate people committed to social activism, but without limitless amounts of money, health, time, or attention. Some of the people who follow my blog are DC lobbyists directly fighting the Trump administration’s policies. Some of them are crisis workers and EMTs and librarians and deal with the ragged edges of human existence in today’s society. I know I don’t have the nerves or capacity to be their news source; they can follow anyone else on Tumblr for that. So what I try to be is the friendly cat cafe they can go to at the end of a long shift to relax.
My response is really guided by a blog I followed a lot when 9/11 happened; I was following it to learn about getting published as a fantasy author, but its authors were New Yorkers and socialists and military veterans, and they had a lot to say about the false witch hunt for a justification for starting a war in Iraq in 2003 and the slow erosion of rights and freedoms of Americans and “enemy” POWs and the incredible damage the American war machine does when it gets going.
They’re not blogging as much now, but when Trump was elected, they released two posts that I found to be deeply useful:
Defense in Depth - Tl;dr: It is important that those of us in resistance to the world’s outrages don’t attack each other for having different priorities, because we need a diversity of targets and approaches.
Taking It Back - Tl;dr: Our enemies WANT us to be overwhelmed and horrified and frozen in shock and catatonic. That is a deliberate tactic they use. Whenever we seem to catch our breath, they create a new outrage for us to get upset over. We need to learn how to set our own pace, resist the lie that you have to be upset and horrified all the time, and focus on taking care of yourself.
I’m also really affected by Rebecca Solnit’s book “Hope in the Dark” where she points out that activist movements have two effects. The first is to influence whatever issue they’re actually agitating about. The second is to give people the tools and experience they need to become citizens who change their societies in deep and enduring ways.
One part of the problem is finding ways that you can make the world better that feel really concrete and achievable. That’s a whole other discussion, that depends a lot on what you’re good at, what your resources are, what you’re capable of. People feel a lot less terrified if there’s something they know they can do. 
But even once you’ve figured out how you’re fighting to make the world better in some small way, you probably can’t do it 24/7; you’ve got to keep mentally resilient the rest of the time.
So what do I do to cope?
I focus on easy-to-do, ordinary hobbies that bring me joy, especially ones that get me off my computer and out of my head. I garden; I just bought a bike; I’m getting my sewing room back in order so I can go back to making costumes and working on the @betterbinderproject.
I make sure I keep social connections where we can relax and enjoy each other. That means being codependent with my cat, babysitting my nieces and nephews, exploring my local bi/pan meetups, going to historical re-enactment events, texting with my friends about Tumblr drama, talking to my colleagues during slack moments at work, and enjoying the fandoms and fanworks that bring me joy.
I do my best to look after my physical wellbeing. Which for me means stretching, yoga, taking my psych meds and vitamins, taking painkillers, looking after my cuticles, using moisturizer, braiding my hair, getting massages, and always making sure there’s a cake in the kitchen. My emphasis isn’t whether I’ll get some disease 30 years from now; it’s making sure that inhabiting my body today is the least unpleasant that it has to be.
I try to look after myself; I go to therapy, look for jobs, keep up on my business paperwork, budget my money, work on upgrading my skills, and develop my 5-year plan. I work really hard on doing this without being stressed, because my habit of procrastinating and only getting around to this stuff when I’m in abject terror isn’t good.
I also, and this feels weird to say or suggest, try to educate myself on issues that are not the crisis du jour. I watch TV shows about the Russian revolution, listen to books about Indigenous language reclamation, read the diary of a World War II servicewoman. This isn’t an attempt to expand my list of crises to worry about, but because I find my ability to cope with the present immeasurably helped by knowing that people have faced other, different crises, and how they dealt with them. It’s… background research in resilience. With the added bonus that it helps me stay intersectional and aware of when we might be only seeing the most privileged part of a crisis situation.
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parlegee · a year ago
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careful man’s careless daughter
@philtstone prompted: Anne/Gilbert babysitter au fake dating prompt #5 let’s go laydees “you have the emotional capacity of a brick. that slate I broke over  your head.” (we’re pretending people still use slates now....american schools have no money...its possible ok) 
k so i was trying to figure out how to work in the babysitter + fake dating and ... like a flash the plot to this old telugu/tamil movie i love missamma/missaimaa came to mind -- its not quite the same because they’re two people pretending to be married so that they can make money as school teachers/live in tutors for a wealthy family’s daughter but it works just enough that i decided to roll with it lol. 
this technically isn’t the actual babysitting, nor the fake dating which I actually turned into a fake marriage lol, but i hope u still like it, even though it is all over the place and a general wreck because i wrote it straight through without any editing or thought towards pacing/characterization bc i havent written in forever lol!! im not even sure what the time period setting is lol, and i dont think my translating of the anne events into a semi modern day even works but w/e lol. 
u are the truest of friends, the light of my life, and have certainly heard more than your share of my mental breakdowns both in the last month and the last few years lol. u deserve all the good things, all the good fic, all the time. 
title is a perversion of a tswift lyric because it came up on youtube. if anyone wants to send in prompts from here
---
“You owe him how much?” 
Anne sighs, crossing her legs to hide how uncomfortable she is in this moment -- here she is in the park, fifteen thousand dollars plus interest in medical debt for Marilla’s eye surgery and being hounded by Roy Gardner, ex boyfriend apparently turned loan shark who was on his knees proclaiming both love and loan forgiveness should Anne just accept his proposal. 
Here Gilbert Blythe is, sitting on a park bench after two years without contact, watching the whole thing. 
“Marilla doesn’t have health insurance,” Anne says, eyes on the ground as she uses the toe of her shoe to grind a leaf into the sidewalk cement. “Even when I was teaching, the union plan didn’t let people add parents on as dependents.” She sighs. “With everything happening with the farm, she couldn’t afford to put money towards a plan and so when her eyes got bad....” 
For a moment, there is silence. Anne can almost hear Gilbert’s jaw clench “That’s just wrong.” 
Anne laughs, and because her eyes are averted she doesn’t see Gilbert flinch. “That’s America, Blythe.” 
“Well,” she hears him say, tone just dripping with what Mrs. Rachel would call the Blythe Stubbornness, “It shouldn’t be.” 
She won’t ever admit it, but there’s something Anne has always found deeply compelling about Gilbert when he gets into these moods -- all righteously indignant in a way that Anne feels inside of her own body. Or felt, before Matthew died and left behind debts not even Marilla had known about, and Marilla’s eyes worsened around the the time Anne was let go from her teaching job and even if she had had the job it wouldn’t have mattered, she knows, but still. Beautiful, wonderful, beloved Diana had offered to help, of course she had, but Anne knew that Fred’s business wasn’t yet where it should be and that the parents Barry were still unimpressed with their son in law to be’s financial acumen. So she’d had to go to Roy, who had of course lent his beautiful Anne the money, and of course had arranged for Marilla to be treated at the best hospital in Toronto, of course had set them up in the apartment of a friend of his right in downtown where the rents were a thousand maybe two per month. He’d popped the question for the third time the second Marilla had been released back into Anne’s care. 
Almost as if he can hear her thoughts, Gilbert speaks -- “Gardner shouldn’t be harassing you like this either. Who ever heard of charging interest on a loan to a friend? And what on earth does he think he’s going to take from you if you just don’t pay?” 
Anne burns. This, she hasn’t told Marilla, nor even her darling Diana. For some reason, it seems alright to tell Gilbert. “The farm,” she mumbles.
Gilbert snorts. “I’m sorry, I must have misheard. Are you saying that Roy Gardner, heir to one of the biggest fortunes in Boston and your ex boyfriend, took your home as collateral on a loan for money you needed to pay for your mother’s surgery?” 
Anne says nothing. She still hasn’t looked up at him, hasn’t been able to meet his gaze since she sat down on the bench and told Roy to get up off his knees and wait two months for either his money or her affirmative answer. She blinks, having mercifully forgotten that Gilbert was present for that last bit. She hopes he’s forgotten too. 
“And wait, before he left you said....” No such luck. “Anne!” Anne’s sure her entire head must be flame as she closes her eyes, bringing her knees up on the park bench and burying her face into her own lap. “Anne you said you’d marry him if you couldn’t get the money!” 
“There’s no debt between spouses,” Anne mumbles. “We’d get to keep the farm, and I wouldn’t ever worry about Marilla’s health again.” 
“But you don’t love him!” She doesn’t know if she’s ever heard Gilbert sound so scandalized. 
“I used to!” she tries to retort, but even Anne knows that her voice betrays her when she tries to speak this lie. “I used to think I was,” she amends, “and maybe that’s as close as I’m allowed to get -- he’s rich, handsome, he even loves me! What more could I ask for?” 
“Coercing you into marriage, demanding interest on money that we all know is just pocket change for someone like him...that’s not love,” Gilbert Blythe responds, with all that....that all-knowing Blytheness in his voice that Anne has hated since she was 13 years old and the new kid in a class of people who had always known each other just as easily as they had known themselves. “Love is selfless, Anne, strong and kind. It makes you better for giving away your heart, even if the one you love doesn’t give you theirs in return.” 
Gilbert Blythe, always acting as if he knows something Anne does not. He speaks as if he’s been in love, at some point over the years since he was last in Avonlea and for some reason Anne absolutely burns with that knowledge. Ooh she just hates him, now at 24 just as easily as she had at 13! 
“And what exactly is love worth if it means I just lose the farm trying to pay for Marilla’s surgery, and still have nothing for the next time she’s sick?” Suddenly Anne is on her feet, hands on her hips as she glares at Gilbert looking quite alarmed as he still sits on the bench. The words she has kept locked on the inside, too private to even be written in a diary, come pouring out in one big rush:
“Three of my four parents are already dead, Gilbert Blythe.” Her voice hitches, to her horror, her sudden fury vanishes as she has to blink away the tears she has kept at bay since she and Marilla buried Matthew. Damn Gilbert, for bringing this out of her as well. “I can’t...I couldn’t bear to lose anyone else.” Her lips thin, and with a breath, her voice steadies. “I don’t care what you, or anyone else thinks about my choices if it means that I can take care of Marilla.” 
Gilbert’s eyes have the sheen of his own tears when he stands, his own lips wobbling just slightly. “I...” he swallows. “Of course, Anne.” Something Anne recognizes as self hatred passes briefly over his face, but she doesn’t understand. “I wish I had money like Gardner to give you, I really do.”   
Anne gentles, even if something inside her twists to be the object of the long-old guilt mixed with pity, much less Gilbert Blythe. Since Matthew’s death, every person in Avonlea it seems has sat with Anne and Marilla and offered their deep condolences, their absolute shock at the pair’s financial state of affairs, how much they wish they could help but sadly cannot, what with the way the bank’s collapse has hit their own finances. Only families like the Gardners survive economic crashes with money to burn. 
“I wouldn’t have taken it even if you had,” she offers instead, shrugging casually. 
His eyes flash. “But you took Gardner’s?” 
“I thought he loved me!” Anne closes her eyes, somehow feeling her cheeks flush even deeper. This is why she’s avoided all mention of Gilbert Blythe so strenuously since high school graduation, because more than anyone else he is the one who drags out the words she is always learning to keep inside. Here he is, somehow pulling confessions Anne hadn’t even dreamed of telling Diana, confessions that make her seem small, and stupid, lost in a world so much more complicated and treacherous than she can handle all on her lonesome. 
Well, she thinks, in for a penny -- 
“I thought he loved me,” she says, “and that he had the money to spare. I didn’t realize...” She looks away again, so that she never has to see him react to her folly. 
“Oh Anne,” Gilbert says, for some reason so soft and stricken that Anne’s knees go weak with her sudden desire to fall to the ground and weep. “You deserve so much better.” 
And now she’s angry again. “What would you know about what I deserve?” Anne spits, “you haven’t even been home since you started med school!” Vaguely, Anne thinks that Gilbert hasn’t been home since she and Roy had gotten serious, serious enough for her to bring him to Green Gables and show him the place that had been her very first love. Coincidences can be so strange. 
“It doesn’t matter,” she says, glaring again at the ground. “None of this matters. I’m just going to go home” Anne clenches her jaw, knowing that when she gets back to Green Gables she will go into her room and play every excruciating part of this conversation back in her head, again and again until she throws up or passes out at dawn from sheer exhaustion. Maybe both, if she’s lucky. She leans back slightly and manages to turn around on her heels, a trick Gilbert Blythe had always pulled at school and had had girls thinking he was so cool.
She’s five minutes away from the park bench when suddenly she hears him call out her name. 
“Anne,” he shouts again much closer, bending at his waist to balance his hands at his knees as he pants. “God, it really has been two years since I was on the university football team.” 
Despite the roiling emotions of five minutes ago, Anne’s lips quirk. “I can’t imagine you all practiced very much to end up near the bottom of your league every year.” 
Gilbert’s eyes widen, and for some reason he flushes. Maybe he’s so out of shape that it’s from exertion? “I didn’t realize you kept up with my matches.”  Ah. Anne, it seems, will experience nothing else but one long sustained flush as long as she is in front of Gilbert Blythe. “You know,” she tries to say casually, “you hear things here and there. Diana told me the village gossip.” 
Gilbert opens his mouth, but then suddenly shakes his head, like a dog trying to dislodge water from its fur. “I have...” he frowns. “I have a proposition for you.”  Anne raises what she hopes is an elegant eyebrow. “Oh?” 
He grimaces. “There’s a boarding school, a Catholic one, that’s asking for teachers over the summer for a few of their select students who want to be coached for college admissions. Essays, standardized tests, everything. They’ve got heaps of money, and are willing to pay salaries up front. Plus, they cover all your expenses while you’re there!” 
Anne blinks, feeling the beginnings of hope gather as kindling at the very dredges of her heart. Once, both Anne and Gilbert had competed so well against each other that they had both gotten into Harvard. Then, Matthew had died, and Anne decided she could just as easily get a teaching degree at the state school and stay closer to Marilla too. Gilbert alone had had the distinction of being the first from Avonlea to reach such heights, and had reached even higher when he had been accepted again to Harvard Medical School. 
But at one point, both Anne and Gilbert had taken their SATs. They’d both written their application essays. They’d both gotten in. Anne, even, had been offered a full ride compared to Gilbert’s only partial scholarship, so there could even be an argument that of the two, Anne had been the one on top. 
And if nothing else, Anne is even better at teaching than she was at taking tests. 
“I’ll do it,” she says firmly. “Where and when do I need to report, and how much money are they offering?”  For a second, a bright, dazzling grin paints Gilbert’s face. “Really? Ten--” he coughs, “Twenty thousand.” Anne frowns. 
“Each?” It sounds like a dream come true. Five thousand more than Anne needs, and paid upfront. She could save the farm, and put away five thousand towards the farm’s debts. “That sounds....exorbitant.”  He nods, suddenly more confident. “Yep! Twenty thousand for sure.” He laughs. “I know Gardner was supposed to be slumming it at state school, but you really can’t be surprised at how much money rich people are willing to throw at a problem.” 
“The problem being...their children.”  Gilbert’s grin turns wicked. “The problem being their children’s SAT scores, and lack of compelling anecdote to base an admission’s essay on, yes.” 
Anne laughs, wicked in this moment as well. She wishes in this moment, fiercely, as she has many times over the last few years, that she had been able to go to university with Gilbert at her side -- as the friends they had slowly begun to be after years of one and two sided enmity, before time and distance had turned them into near strangers. She doesn’t regret staying back, not really, but there is a part of her that no one had ever understood half as well as Gilbert Blythe, who had, after the Harvard interest meeting, drawn and pinned up a schedule for practice SATs that took into account both his and Anne’s often conflicting life schedules. 
“What’s the catch,” she asks, grinning when Gilbert chokes “come on, Blythe, there’s always a catch with offers like this. Is it across from a waste manufacturing plant? Is the principal a pervert?” 
Slowly, Gilbert Blythe is turning red. “Ah,” he says, shuffling like he never did even when he was an errant schoolboy. “Well,” he says, and....is that his voice cracking? 
“Gilbert,” Anne says, trying to reassure him, “I grew up in the foster system, I can handle much worse than bad smells and pervert principals, I promise.” 
He frowns. “It’s not that,” he says slowly, “but basically they’re looking for two teachers, a man and a woman to manage the boys and the girls while the rest of the staff go on vacation.” 
Anne smiles, trying to ignore the jolt of her heart at the thought of an entire summer with Gilbert, studying like they used to but as friends. Her old dreams, finally coming true. “That’s perfect then, you take one job and I’ll take the other! It’ll be like old times, kind of.” 
He smiles faintly, as if, even after locking horns with the best and brightest at Harvard, Anne is still the person he wants to be trading barbs with over the heads of high school students for months on end. “I’d like nothing better, he says, except...” 
“Except?” 
Gilbert inhales. “ExceptTheSchoolWillOnlyHireAMarriedCoupleSoThatTheyDon’tHaveToWorryAboutOutofWedlockSexorTeachersHavingSexWithStudents.” All in a rush, and now Gilbert is the one who can’t apparently handle eye contact.
“What?” 
“The school,” Gilbert says to his shoes, “since it’s Catholic, and also since they’re lazy, only want a married couple so that they don’t have to have anyone watching to make sure the teachers aren’t having sex with the students. Or each other.” 
Anne blinks. “But we’re not married!” 
Gilbert grimaces, opening his mouth, but then just biting his lip. They could be, Anne thinks, only a tad hysterical. Only all of Avonlea was matching them up all the years of high school, and even the years after until she’d met Roy. It would be so easy to get a certificate. They could get a divorce by September, even annul their marriage since they definitely wouldn’t be having sex. 
Twenty thousand dollars. 
“So what you’re saying,” Anne says slowly, her lip curling of its own accord “is that after all that talk about what love is and isn’t, and telling me that I shouldn’t marry Roy for the money he’d give me, your blockheaded solution is instead, for me to marry you?” 
Gilbert looks up. “Well when you put it that way--”  Anne sees red, even as she already sees herself in one of her old white lace dresses, standing with Gilbert at the courtroom and signing. “Gilbert Blythe I don’t believe you! Sometimes, I think that you really do have all the emotional capacity of that slate I broke over your head!” 
“I know,” he says tone heavy with something so sad that Anne’s hearten softens a bit of its own accord. “But you really need the money, and I promise we’ll get a divorce by September.” He smiles, but there’s something bitter at the corners that Anne has never seen before -- she almost raises her hand to rub the strand of emotion off his lips. “And you’re not the only one who needs the money. Will you do it?” 
Twenty thousand dollars. The farm, Marilla, an end to the eternal pity of Avonlea. And also, a small part of her suggests, an opportunity to finally spend time with this new Gilbert Blythe who went off into the world and left her behind. 
She sighs. “I vote that you be the one to tell Mrs. Lynde.” 
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mooifyourecows · a year ago
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ahaha honestly me sitting here like 👉👈 reading the beef on the lurker posts,,,, soo i wanna ask you abt your og stories!! what are the girls like in supernova & brink? (ily babe)
Beef? no beef here, nope, nuh uh. Just some super friendly discussion among colleagues! 🖤💋
But since you ASKED....
Oh boy oh boy oh boy.
Girls. I love me some girls.
This is gonna be a long post so I’ll put a “read under the cut” thing.
As of right now, Supernova has an incredibly small cast of characters. Not many side characters have been thought up yet so really all I have at the moment are Leon, Seth, Nova, Bonnie, and Carla. And Bonnie and Carla haven’t been fleshed out so I won’t talk about them, oopsie doopsie.
The main female character of Supernova is Nova. (As if that wasn’t obvious)
Nova Ponderosa is an almost 40 year old single lesbian. She’s a famous writer who specializes in LGBT+ fiction and boy howdy is she good at what she does. The capacity of her heart is outmatched only by the capacity of her bank account. For the past almost 40 years, she’s lived a reclusive life in her stupidly big house out in the countryside with her various pets, spending all her time writing and avoiding unwanted social interactions. (wow dream life ammiright? self projection maybe? perish the thought)
It takes almost 40 years for her to realize that she’s perhaps, a tiny itty bitty bit... well... lonely? She goes to the same cafe and talks to the same high school aged baristas who make her coffee and she sees her editor and does the necessary interviews and public appearances that go hand in hand with being a leading voice for the LGBT+ fiction community but when it’s all done and over with she goes home and talks to her pets, wishing they could talk back.
So naturally she decides that the most reasonable course of action is to jump headlong into adopting an almost 18 year old African American boy who, on just their third meeting, accuses her of being a creepy groomer who wants to train him into being her sexy trophy husband.
Nova thinks Leon is funny. She admires how he says whatever is on his mind. She thinks she probably really needs someone who says whatever is on his mind in her life.
And once she manages to convince him she doesn’t have weird ulterior motives, he agrees to let her adopt him and they become a family.
Nova is ecstatic about having someone enter her life and she admittedly goes a little hard. She’s got dough and a willingness to spoil the hell out of her new son and Leon eventually has to tell her to cool her jets because damn he’s never had someone spoil him before and it’s overwhelming. (”no i will not let you move out of the master bedroom just so i can have the biggest room in the house what are you TALKING about crazy lady???”)
As a reclusive writer who has fallen out of practice of acting like a normal human being, Nova is... all over the place. She can’t cook. She can’t clean. She talks to herself. She cries when she can’t think of that one. super. specific. word. She has full conversations with her pets and walks around in her underwear, much to Leon’s horror. (He lectures her out of that habit quick enough). When she’s not writing, she’s playing videogames in her home gaming theater, much to Leon’s awe and poorly hidden excitement. (He’s only a LITTLE bit sour about the fact that his new mom is way better than him at basically... every game. He’s an embarrassment to teenage boys everywhere. 😔)
Honestly, Nova is kinda... pitiful. Leon is shocked that she’s lasted as long as she has. When he met up with her prior to getting adopted, she seemed so put together. She always looked clean and beautiful and sophisticated... a picture perfect, rich, white woman. But one week into living with the gremlin and he’s calling up his social worker demanding a refund. (”Shawn what the fuck, I thought I was getting a mom, not a toddler.” “Aw, she’ll learn.” “I thought I was the one that was supposed to learn.”)
Nova is terrified of young children. Back when they first met, Leon was suspicious that she wanted to adopt someone as old as he was. It was weird. Why adopt an almost 18 year old when you can get a cute little kid? The thing is, Nova is socially awkward around adults and a social nightmare around children. How... how does she talk to them? When are they too old for baby talk? She heard there’s a soft spot on babies’ heads. How vulnerable is it? What if she accidentally bumps it? Will they die??? Oh god no she does NOT want to hold your baby PLEASE keep it away she’s shaking. 
It’s weird. She clams up and searches for an escape route every time a kid comes near her. The first time Leon sees this... he’s happy. Ah... so she wasn’t lying when she said she wanted him and nobody else. What a relief.
Despite being a little bit of a big mess, her heart is in the right place. And no matter how many times he has to console her during a mental breakdown brought on by yet another bout of writer’s block... Leon kinda wouldn’t trade her for anyone in the world. She’s enthusiastically supportive and affectionate and never misses an opportunity to steal a hug and she’s his mom and that’s really all that matters.
Soon after Leon moves in, the cleaning service that Nova uses starts sending a new woman to clean her house. Carla. Pretty Carla. Pretty, smart Carla who is only working part time at her family’s company for extra spending money while she is getting her degree in aeronautical engineering. 
Pretty, smart, and a little bit evil Carla who can tell when Nova is watching her and definitely plays into her super obvious crush on her to get better tips. (and watch her combust because... well... it’s cute) 
Nova really wants to be a protective Mama bear for Leon but her social introversion makes it hard for her to stand up to intimidating people. It’s fine though because once she and Carla get closer, Carla gladly steps forward and plays the role of scary parent. (”What the fuck did you say about my girlfriend’s son? Do you want me to shove my stilettos so far up your ass that your voice sounds like heels on tile for the rest of your life? Huh? Do ya?”)
Hmm okay so I’ll stop there for Supernova because I honestly really wanna talk about my Brink girls rn lolol.
ALRIGHT.
SO.
In Brink, there are two girls that own my whole entire heart. (there are more than just two girls in the story, dont worry, but they’re not as special okay sue me i have favorites so what)
First we will talk about the one that has less story set up for her (I brainstorm in waves and she hasn’t had her turn yet, oops)
Kamaria Ganim is the single most intensely driven 17 year old you have ever met in your life. Cheerleader, student body president, softball pitcher, Hijabi. She took one look at her high school’s cheerleading uniforms and said “unacceptable.” It took less than a week to have hijab friendly uniforms ordered for every single sport, not just at her school, but for every school in the entire city. She’s working on getting it to happen throughout the whole state next.
Kamaria is that girl that everyone is pretty sure will be in some crazy high ranking political position someday. Unless the political climate gets any worse. Then she’ll be the one leading the revolution. And you better hope you’re not in her way. 
She’s the leader of Ryker’s friend group and she sticks out like a sore thumb among all the troublemakers she calls her best friends. She’s the one they call when one of them fucks up and needs some bailing out. She’s the one with a plan and a solution for every scenario and she jumps at the opportunity to take the lead. She’s intensely supportive and... surprisingly indulgent. People who only know her a little bit would never expect she was such close friends to... well... those guys.
But no matter how much they might contradict each other... Kamaria loves the messy and wild group of bastards that have made her their leader. Instead of finding their troublemaking tedious, it’s a refreshing complement to her usual intensely serious personality. Ryker’s sweet stupidity is always heartwarming and calming. Sebastian’s weirdness is always hilarious and surprising. Roy’s apathy reminds her to slow down and not take every single thing too seriously. Emiliano’s delinquency balances out her righteousness and shows her that sometimes in order to do the right thing, you gotta bend the rules. Scarlett’s pride and unapologetic personality inspires her to tune out the haters.
 Kamaria is fearless and protective. She’s somehow unforgiving and forgiving at the same time. When Ryker is kicked out of his parents’ house and picked up by Link, Kamaria leads the charge to Link’s place and searches it from top to bottom for any indication that he was a suspicious guy. She sits him down and asks him a million prying questions, only stopping when Emiliano decides he’s trustworthy. (She’ll be running a background check on him later anyway but that’s neither here nor there.)
She has a good relationship with her parents. They encourage her to chase after whatever she wants to chase. They help her rehearse her speeches. They nudge her in the right direction when she’s struggling. They show up for every cheerleading performance, for every softball game, for everything. They’re on her side always.
And while Kamaria is grateful for the support... it’s her friends’ guess that she loves hanging out with them so much because of the nice change of pace. Kamaria feeds off of fixing things. She is a problem solver. She’s always trying to make things better. Make them work. And there’s not a lot of that in her home life. Her parents are almost too supportive. It’s always “That’s perfect, Kamaria.” or “Whatever you decide is great, Kamaria.”
She’s a liiiiiiiittle bit thirsty for conflict. She kiiiiiinda wants things to not be so perfectly organized and planned and effective. 
It’s the times when Sebastian lights something on fire unexpectedly or Scarlett starts a war with the entire volleyball team or Emiliano knocks a jerk out with his trumpet case or Roy gets caught hiding rotten eggs in the school’s vents or Ryker accidentally falls in love with his new roommate and forgets how to function that Kamaria feels most alive.
She’s a problem solver. And she loves having an entire group of rowdy friends who are constantly drowning in problems. Even when they go too far, she can’t stay mad at them. Especially not when they all start dancing and singing in unison to the tune of “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club, “Kama-Kama-Kama-Kama-Kama-Kamarrrrrriiiiaaaa!”
Aaaaand now let’s talk about Scarlett because I really wanna talk about Scarlett.
Scarlett Cox is the bimbo to Ryker’s himbo. She’s blonde. She’s busty. She’s tall (6′2″ wowzas). She’s a cheerleader. She’s dumb. She’s bi. She’s slutty. And she’s sweet as candy. (most of the time)
When Scarlett was growing up, her grandparents on her mother’s side were... overbearing. They were insanely conservative and beat it into Scar’s head from the beginning that she must always always always be a good and modest lady. She must be quiet and meek. She must grow her hair long and be feminine but not too feminine and do whatever it takes to please her future husband. It was her job to get married early and start popping out babies. Her only aspiration was to be a mother, just like her mom was. 
Well. That changed when Scarlett’s mom had a mental breakdown and abandoned her when she was only six.
Now a single father who never really liked his mother- and father-in-law anyway... Scarlett’s dad took little Scarlett aside and told her that he never wanted her to be like her mother. At first, she thought he was telling her not to crack under the pressure and run off to Vegas with some random drunk she met at a bar. But he explained to her that no, that’s not it. He never wanted her to be so repressed and ashamed of herself that she lived a miserable life, never able to let her true colors show. He told her he was gonna love her no matter what so she better be her happiest and truest self.
Now she lives however the fuck she wants. She pushes the boundaries of the dress code at every turn. She wears booty shorts and crop tops in winter. She experiments with her makeup. She sleeps with whoever she wants to sleep with. She cries about everything. She’s got a loud, foul mouth. Her default is to be kind and affectionate towards any- and everyone but she can flip on the Petty Switch quicker than you can blink.
Girls that try to bully her get their boyfriends stolen and then tossed to the curb when she’s bored of them. Boys who try to take advantage of her looseness and cheat on their girlfriends with her get their girlfriends stolen and shown how they ought to really be treated. She can make any straight girl question her sexuality but she uses her powers for good, honest.
She’s ditzy as all hell but she understands the important stuff. The stuff about being true to yourself. The stuff about being loyal to your friends. The stuff about being kind and compassionate until someone really pisses you off.
Because of her loose and slutty nature, people don’t... treat her with a lot of respect. Especially not the boys that want a piece of her. She understands that too. And that really sucks. It sucks when girls call her a slut behind her back. It sucks when guys ask her out just because they wanna get laid. That really sucks.
Because while Scar loves sex, she also really, like really wants to be treated like a princess. But these days it seems like her dad is the only one who treats her that way.
Well. Her dad and Emiliano. Who she is head over heels in love with. And has been. For like... forever. (But don’t tell him.)
Scar, Ryker, and Emiliano have been a trio since they were kids. Ryker and Scar are cut from the same cloth. They’re both big, dumb, and cry at literally anything. From the very beginning, Mili has been the one to brush the dirt off their scraped knees and chase the bullies away. He’s been the one to dry their tears and hold their hands every time they needed a little extra support.
And Scar has been so in love with him for as long as she can remember. Mili is the one who gives her his coat when she’s inappropriately dressed in the middle of winter. He’s the one who very subtly puts himself between her and something or someone even the tiniest bit dangerous or suspicious. He’s the one that interrupts the sleazy guys that come on to her. He’s the one that quietly sits with her when she’s feeling bad and doesn’t leave until she’s done crying.
And fuuuuuck she’s stupidly in love with the bastard. But she can’t tell him! No way. Sex is easy, you know? She can pursue pretty girls and hot guys like it’s nothing but dealing with real feelings? That’s scary! He probably doesn’t like her anyway, right? She’s so the opposite of his type, right? Right?????
Despite her big “I don’t give a fuck what you think about me” attitude... Scar is surprisingly insecure. She’s always questioning whether or not the bad is worth the good. Is it worth being herself when people constantly hate or devalue her? Do her friends even really like her that much? Or do they just tolerate her because she’s always chasing after them? Could she even be a person that Mili would give the light of day if she ever grew the balls to make a move on him? Or would he treat her just like all the others?
Temporary.
Only good for a fun time.
Scar has all these little niggling insecurities floating around her head and it’s not until she has a fight with Kamaria that leads to an accidental slip of her hijab that has Scar screaming and throwing herself on top of her head to hide her under her shirt (overreact much?) that it all comes out. Scar strips out of her shirt to hide Kamaria and stands in the center of a group of students in nothing but her lacy bra until Ryker and the others show up to help get her and Kamaria to the bathroom.
Kamaria, laughing her ass off because what the fuck were you thinking girl????, gets to sit through all of Scar’s insecurities pouring out of her mouth. And so Kamaria gets to do what she does best, fix things. But this time she gets to do it in a way she doesn’t often get the opportunity to do. She gets to do it the way only a friend can do it, and the next thing either of them know, they’re sitting in a puddle of tears, aggressively telling each other all the things they love about each other and it’s stupidly good girl bonding from two polar opposites.
Ahhhhh okay okay I’ve talked too long. I’ll stop there. I love girls. 
Bye
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retro-pure-jdonica · 3 years ago
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Everything Wrong With The Peathers Pilot
Ok so I wrote this as I was watching the pilot so there’s probably a lot of spelling errors but just bear with me here
CHRONOLOGICAL ORDER PLOT ISSUES
The episode opens by playing Que sera sera and zooming in on a croquet set on a front porch before going into the house where we see Shannon Doherty with a red scrunchie, all things that suggest that Heathers (1989) occurred and this is Heather Duke now but then they’re like lol jk that’s jds mom
Speaking of jds mom, they have her kill herself by lighting the house on fire and shooting herself, nothing involving his father’s business which messes with why jd dislikes his father
They COMPLETELY switched the characters of Heather McNamara and Heather Duke. When Heather McNamara starts talking in the lunchroom Heather Chandler says “god Heather, are we already making this about you?” But says nothing bitchy to Heather Duke
Heather Chandler is some social justice warrior and it’s awful. We meet Ram when he is in the cafeteria wearing a shirt that says “Remington squaws” with a (very very red skin toned) depiction of a Native American and Heather is like “ummmmm that’s so offensive. I know that kid over there and he is 1/16th “First Nations peoples”” and when the kid stands up to say it doesn’t offend him she yells at him “this isn’t about you” (bonus in the background they tried to recreate that airy chime kinda music from the original and its shit)
J.D. has been in Sherwood for a while. He doesn’t move from school to school because of his dads business, he keeps getting expelled
At the art exhibit (equivalent to Remington party/Kurt homecoming party) Veronica meets this guy named Jacob who they very purposefully dressed like jd (trench coat, dark hair) and then she asks him if he has a car and then it cuts to him eating her out in a car while she sits on her phone?????? I don’t even know?????
Instead of throwing up on Heather Chandler, Veronica dumps a giant bottle of hull clean on her
Jd and Veronica don’t have sex???? They are in no form of relationship so when jd kills Heather Chandler, Veronica has absolutely no reason to stay with him at all which is just SHIT PLOT PEATHERS GET IT TOGETHER
Jd has only lived in THREE states, NOT SEVEN, NOT TEN, THREE!!! They totally screwed over his background with this and with his mom’s Suicide so now he only has shitty motives. Also, his dad isn’t Big Bud Dean Construction, it’s Big Bud Dean Oil and Gas????
Jd and Veronica don’t give Heather Chandler a bottle of drain cleaner, he pulls an ich luge type thing with some “vomit inducing pills Hitler carried around”. Then when Heather Chandler “dies” he’s like oh crap I must have given her the wrong pills but it’s GENUINE. JD SERIOUSLY DID NOT TRY TO KILL HEATHER CHANDLER but then SURPRISE at the end of the episode we see Heather Chandler wake up because she actually didn’t die because jd did give her the vomit pills, the pills just somehow made her pass out which they weren’t supposed to. Also, she saw that Veronica and jd tried to fake her Suicide (they posted her Suicide note on Instagram and she would remember them coming to her house) but then sees that the post got 27 million likes so she decides to not snitch them out because she’s famous but from now on ANY PERSON THAT “KILLS THEMSELVES” AND JD AND VERONICA SET UP TO LOOK LIKE A SUICIDE, HEATHER CHANDLER WILL KNOW IT WAS JD AND VERONICA SO I DONT KNOW HOW THEY’RE GOING TO DO ANYTHING WITH THAT BUT ALRIGHT
You may be thinking, how did JD get Heather Chandler to take a pill? Well, HE PUT IT IN A BAG OF CORN NUTS AND DARED HER TO EAT THE WHOLE BAG IN FIVE SECONDS OR ELSE HE WOULD POST A PICTURE OF HER WITH A NAZI CAP ON. Also on this topic, they had Heather Chandler start gagging before crashing through the glass table but she shouldn’t be gagging, if anything she should be choking from the food and she would have bitten into the pill while eating the corn nuts and it’s a whole mess peathers please get your story straight
At school after Heather Chandler’s “suicide” all of the students are like “omg this is so sad(for the most part, they are still kinda making it about themselves)” and Mrs. Flemming is like “look at all of the publicity about this” which is just??? So wrong????
After Heather Chandler “dies” Betty Finn takes over the role instead of Heather Duke???? AHHHHH WHAT and when Veronica invites betty over for croquet she’s like “Ummm, I’m busy” like wtf peathers you cant make up an ENTIRELY new character and just call her Betty??? This Betty does not have a single similar characteristic to the original Betty except for the fact that she and Veronica were friends in elementary school, like this Betty used to be friends with Heather Chandler and UGH
Okay jd SMILES while telling Veronica in detail how his mother killed himself, Do I even need to explain how wrong this is??
MISUSED AND ALTERED QUOTES
Lick it up fatty, lick it up (bonus, which was followed by: d-did you just fat shame me in public??)
If you’re gonna openly be a flooze
What is your bother wound, Heather? (What does that even mean????)
Corporate monogamy keeps me sane
Big Bud Dean Oil and Gas
I’m gonna be experimenting with lesbianism at (some place) instead of (another place)
SHITTY REFERENCES
The matches jds mom uses to light the house on fire say “hot probs” on the box
At the art exhibit, Veronica and Heather Chandler go to, two of the pieces are a bottle of “hull clean” liquid drainer and a massive replica of the book “The Bell Jar”
Big fun is a chip brand
MISCELLANEOUS
They replaced “very” with “just” and only in this episode they said just 4 times, JUST IN THIS EPISODE
J.D. literally says the phrase “my dear” 4 times JUST IN THIS EPISODE and he’s giving off these Walmart Great Value knockoff type Leonardo DiCaprio Romeo and Juliet vibes and I hate it it’s so weird
Heather Chandler refers to Ram as “the Auschwitz of hate that goes on in Westerburg”
Heather McNamara isn’t even a lesbian! She lied about it to seem cool (Do I even need to explain how terrible and inaccurate and demonizing this is?)
Heather Duke literally says “oh my clit”
Heather Chandler literally says “what the queef”
“Let’s snort Adderall, make out, and get slushies”- JD, again, do I even need to explain?
Kurt gives Ram all of the shit jd and Veronica use at the fake Suicide in the movie to cheer him up (the candy dish, stud puppy, etc) also if you haven’t heard by now, Kurt is gay
Okay, at the 7-11 when JD is saying “a pile of dirt” he looks Veronica up and down liKE WHAT?????
“Sad face emoji, pill emoji, the powerful last words of Heather Chandler” -some teacher
When jd and Veronica are going to post a video on Heather Chandler’s Instagram to make the Suicide more believable (Okay it literally pained me to write that), Veronica says “oh my god I can’t believe we’re doing this, also trim the video it will get more views if it’s under ten seconds”???? This is so terrible  (bonus jd responds to this with “That’s my girl” and ew) (bonus bonus after they finish setting up the Suicide Veronica says “come on, we’re gonna be late for school” ugh peathers stop making the show into a massive joke)
FOR LIKE A THIRD OF THE EPISODE VERONICA IS WEARING THESE OVAL SPARKLY BLUE SUNGLASSES AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY’RE STRAIGHT OUT OF 2007 AND I HATE IT
When writing in her diary, Veronica starts to write “I’m just a … girl who has been manipulated by a guy into-“ which is very true for actual Heathers but then cuts off and says “no that sounds like I’m enforcing gender stereotypes” and I don’t know if that was supposed to be some shitty commentary about the original but WHAT
They tried to pull a dream scene for Veronica where everything is weird but it was terrible, everyone was wearing red plastic glasses and pointing at Veronica and pop music was playing, it was a mess
Okay the Heathers keep doing this thing where they unnecessarily say the other one’s name while talking (like in the opening for Heathers (1989) where Heather Chandler says “no Heather, it’s Heathers turn” but they do it almost every single line and it’s really annoying)
Also I don’t know if this was on purpose, judging by the mental capacity of the producers it probably wasn’t, but after Heather Chandler dies when Betty is walking down the hall with her gang it plays the same music that was playing when the Heathers first walk into the cafeteria and I don’t know if that was meant to show that Betty is officially the new Heather Chandler but I HATE IT
When Veronica goes to jds house after Heather Chandler’s “death” jds dad walks in with a FUCKING SHAKE WEIGHT and they do the weird father-son switch thing but jd gets his dad to leave by saying some shit like “your presence was wonderful but my girlfriend and I would like to engage in sexual intercourse now” and just, what the fuck?????
YO I DONT KNOW HOW THEY GOT AWAY WITH THIS BUT FOR THE CLOSING FRAME THEY JUST SHOW THE WORD HEATHERS AND LITERALLY PLAY A SLIGHTLY SHITIER VERSION OF THE STRANGER THINGS OPENING TRACK BUT ITS ALMOST THE EXACT SAME
Just FYI, this in Arial font size 11 is FOUR PAGES LONG and this is just the first episode
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clairedelunetunes · a year ago
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The multiple intelligence inventory is one way of assessing one’s strengths and weaknesses according to the kind of intelligence that they are more likely to lean towards to. This is not totally a hundred percent applicable to everyone but it gives the person an idea on where they excel and where they underperform. I took the test and unsurprisingly I belonged to the introspective group wherein my top 3 learning styles belong. Introspection denotes that one requires looking inward by the learner; an emotive connection to their own experiences and beliefs in order to make sense of new learning. It isn’t surprising to me because I’ve been told recently that I seem like an introspective person with the way I express my thoughts and feelings towards something. This person can be intrapersonal (includes understanding and appreciating one's innermost feelings) , existentialist (the ability to be sensitive to, or have the capacity for tackling deeper or larger questions about human existence), and/or visual (learn best visually and organizing things spatially). Observing these results, I can understand why I appear to be empathetic towards people, why I prefer to look at the big picture first, and why I need to visualize for me to learn better. On the other hand, my least learning style appears to be the logical one. This person is good at reasoning, recognizing patterns, and logically analyzing problems which is not exactly my forte. I still need to work on my abstract reasoning and comprehending patterns and the likes. This may not be an unfamiliar ground to me but this is just a reminder that not everyone can be good at too many things all at once.
In relation to the type of intelligence that was put out for me, it is understandable why my special skills or abilities lean towards the works of the mind. I am never an active or a musical or a socialite person. With that being said, I mostly focus on the internalization of my thoughts and managing my emotions in the sense that when it comes to decision-making, I don’t let those get in the way. I can cope up with challenges and learn new information by making them prior knowledge which can be useful later on. I am the type to not mind working under pressure. In fact, I find it challenging and the adrenaline rush that comes with it is exhilarating. To not have aphantasia, in which some people are unable to visualise mental images, is a blessing itself. As a huge visual learner, I remember things and faces very well so I don’t have a hard time to recognize afterwards.
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There are instances wherein certain factors hinder a person to achieve their goals in life. In the academic field, it’s the smallest things that continuously occurs that affect what I want to attain for the most part. It can be the the lack of proper time management, the distractions which I naturally entertain, and the procrastination that every student seems to do. I usually have my bullet journal where I keep track of the deadlines or activities to do but then procrastinating happens it inevitably leads to cramming which isn’t the most effective action to resort to. Mind you, I procrastinate all the time and still gets things done and maybe that’s why I don’t mind doing it again. Another thing is that I have a hard time focusing for a long period of time. I get easily distracted with the things that do not matter at that moment. It can be my phone, or the food waiting in the refrigerator, or the kids playing outdside the house. Since thent it’s difficult to get back in track and procrastination is more likely to be my calling. However, I slowly seek to completely change that habit because I am aware that it wouldn’t help me in the future and I don’t want it to be a thing that lasts. To be able to do that, I need to set my priorities straight. What things matter the most right now? Will they be affected if I do them later on instead? When you start doing things at your own pace, the rest will follow accordingly.
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The thing with being an ambitious and competitive person is that despite having those traits, I am still not able to give a 100% of what I can do. It’s like a 40% of myself is active and the rest are still dormant. Yes, I strive harder. Yes, I begin to take risks as much as I can. However, it seems that the word ‘enough’ is currently not in my vocabulary. It is in the sense that what may seem to be enough to others is still below average to me. I aced the test? Good for me. I lead the group? I’m learning to do so. But these things are only a fraction of what I do and what should I be doing. This is where my ideal self and actual self turn sour. The standards I have set for myself are high that they appear to be unattainable. But then how do you improve if you don’t continue to aim more. It contradicts to what I am because if I seek to accomplish more then why do I still hold back? Although I take risks, it takes a lot of contemplating and inner monologues for me to do so. To take a step forward is a huge decision for me and so I prefer to just stay put instead. I wish to be a person who is in control of leading others, or being able to join extracurricular activities without a lot of uncertainties that come with it. All it takes to do so is a scary leap of faith even if it does seem so far away.
People say that what good would it bring if you only survive and not live at all. There is a fine line between wanting to live and wanting to survive. You’d either live because there is a purpose in your life or you’ll only survive because that’s the only thing you can afford to do. In my 18 years of existence, which sounds really cliche now that I think about it, is still a ridiculously young age. Just because you’ve turned ‘legal’ doesn’t mean you’d automatically know everything. You’d start to become responsible for your well-being and suddenly youre slowly becoming an adult. There is not much that I have attained during my pre-18 years but that doesn’t equate to your life being meaningless. I am not a person who is hands on to a lot of the matters around me. I was never the center of attention and that’s fine. I wasn’t praised highly and that’s also okay. My achievements so far don’t usually lie on the material side of the spectrum but more on the mental and inner aspect instead. If you count being consistent in academics then that is one. As a person who relies heavily on guts, or being an indecisive person generally, being able to choose the path i’d take on college is a whole achievement itself. College is a different world to dig in and it’s not something that one should take lightly. Simpler things such as being able to do your designated tasks of the day or taking leisure after a dull and restless moment is a huge feat already. Your achievement doesn’t always have to be grand. If it makes you feel accomplished doing them and a weight is removed off your shoulders then I am proud of you. You’re doing great and better and greater things will take place as you continue to live.
Happiness ranges from what you wish for others and what you wish for yourself. There’s no rule created on what things should make you happy. I find happiness on the smallest things which is a warm feeling inside of me. It can be the fact that I had a decent sleep, a compliment from someone, or just the fact that I am here to witness the moment I’ve been waiting for. A huge part of my happiness is through reading. The feeling of relief, warmth, and comfort after flipping through the pages or device equates to happiness. “I am glad you’ve let me inside your head. That mind of yours is swirling with ideas and you cannot not put it into words because you’ll blow up and that doesn’t seem good”. The mind is a fickle thing but it also brings the best in a person. Another thing is music. The feeling of hearing a familiar and unfamiliar song. The genre you’ve found the least fond of but it shocked you because it hit the deepest parts of yourself. Music transcends language. You dont have to completely understand it for it to shake you to the core. Life without music is like a library without the books. The Korean group called BTS made a huge impact in my life. The burst of relief, the instant serotonin you have maybe found in your instruments, or to your sports, or to your games, I have found it in them. The message their music brings, the goodness of their hearts, and the hardwork they always have are few of the reasons why a lot of people look up to them. I treat them as people whom I have the respect and admiration for and I don’t think that will change anytime soon They instantly radiate happiness and isn’t that what this is about?
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02343 · 4 years ago
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wanting to talk about the potential of having adhd but getting shamed everytime i open my mouth about self diagnosing or whatever with my new insurance all of my doctors are like an hour away which means i have to coordinate going to the doctor with getting a ride i feel really distressed and uncomfortable today, i’ve been trying to read this book scott gave me like... six times. i’ve gone through the first like 12 pages and i’ve had to start over because the information just doesn’t stick, my reading comprehension sucks. i got great grades in school but no information has ever fucking stuck. i’m getting more and more frustrated with myself. i forget what I’m saying midsentence, or start saying something and can’t finish it and i feel fucking foolish.  i don’t sleep in, my brain doesn’t let me, i can’t watch movies or shows with other people if i want to even try to understand the plot, i have never finished any longterm project ever. i seem so productive on the outside but my life is just a series of to do lists and new ideas that never go anywhere. i lose interest in paintings and projects, i lose interest in ideas the moment i try focusing on it because my brain just goes in four different directions.  i’ve never been able to read any type of literature and able to fully understand it if i’m not 100% interested in it (like, i read and liked twilight... but that’s because speedreader tina skipped around so much and just read the first and beginning of paragraphs and its such a fucking easy book that it didn’t matter. same with harry potter.) as a kid i was praised for how fast i could read but inreality i’ve never fucking read a full fucking book. i get so bored mid paragraph but im interested and my brain is thinking about other things so I just bop around. any type of literature for classes in college - never read any of it. i kept some packs of literature from classes i enjoyed like my feminism and performance class and my food and politics class hoping one day ill be able to actually give them both the time they deserve. nope, ive tried a few times but i get so fucking bored!  i’m trying to get through this book scotty recommended about fascism and communism and its so cool because of whats going on now but fucking hell i cant understand almost any of it and it’s note ven a complicated book!!!!!  any type of consistent effort over time is a no go for me. the only reason im even still working on gregory is because a friend depends on me to work on it.  i feel really annoyed at myself and i thought that not smoking weed would stop but in all honesty smoking just slowed my brain down so i can not grind my teeth in frustration.  whenever i want to talk about this with anyone i feel stupid, because on the surface i look very accomplished but i honestly just got through college but complete bullshitting everything. none of my projects have any depth becaus ei dont have the capacity to develop deep thoughts and emotions regarding things, i just get distracted and want to keep moving on.  its like shocking to me that people cna fucking write books. who can focus on one subject for enough time to actually write words about it except me complaining about my head  the only way i can make decisions is impulse and just going for it. i am so indecisive and nothing is important to me enough to pay attention to it.  i feel really fed up with my brain. i feel so tired. my ocd has been down, but lately i find myself dealing with my tics and getting uncomfortable in public and not being able to shift my head away from it, it just becomes one of my thoughts tumbling around my head and whenever it peaks I panic and then move on and sometimes it keeps coming up like, it just gets back in line but it cuts like, the third thought in line so it comes up more frequently.  i stopped seeing my therapist, but i still have to pay her like 400 dollars so im hoping maybe she will meet with me one more time when i call to set up paying her. i feel really upset and confused.  my whole life ive dismissed adhd because ive dated people with it who have been medicated and they hated being medicated and ive been so successful at school and “work” like i can do my job but i think im just really fucking good at pretending like im doing good because its all surface good there’s no depth to what i produce or my intentions, its all just making sure everyone thinks im successful. ive always dismissed the possibility of an attention disorder even tho i have such a hard time because its shamed, everyuone fucking thinks they have adhd, i feel stupid even writing this, I kinda wanna delete this and not post it because im nervous about anyone reading it and responding or scoffing at me or something  i wish talking about our mental health and our concerns wasnt so troubling 
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unproduciblesmackdown · 4 years ago
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s2g that moss has even been foreshadowing that lars was gonna get briefly killed like…not that specific but since we’re shown that the moss is lars and the flowers have a bit of gem in them…………
ppl are always weird about stuff everywhere smh but like…theres been obviously weird things like being way more ok with ancient beings ready to destroy all life on the planet than lars being too ill-tempered or doing something selfish like…i see that…. like lars doesnt need to be redeemed for anything jeez. every episode where he does something crap its on a minor scale vs like endangering lives or something and he gets k.o’d for it and then makes some sincere form of apology like? theres your redemption…i guess maybe people expect him to become acceptable overnight maybe but thats how people work and then every episode is like The Lesson of the Week instead of a closer look at a character and another step in their development as people figuring themselves out
like literally every character has issues smh! in like this and everything also but like….honestly lars has been a super self conscious and anxious teen from the start and really unhappy and like sometimes he does dumbass shit but who hasnt. if you think youve never hurt people you havent been paying close enough attention
anyways one of the things i really dont like? despite general overall stuff like teenaged lars momentarily losing his patience and realizing he’s in the wrong and immediately trying to make amends = him being judged more harshly than like….every millenia-old actually murderous actual antagonist introduced…. is that overall? its like really really clear really early on that he’s always struggling with a lot of mental health issues, and a common theme is irl people who really do have disorders pointing this out. like, that point can be made for every character in su and lars isnt The Mentally Ill One who alone represents the whole of the universal mental illness experience because obviously that doesnt exist and its a very unique and personal experience, and people dont have to directly relate to lars or any other character with such problems to verify their own. but lars and the cool kids is like super upfront about anxiety and he obv has really low confidence and low self worth and i’ll fight anytime about island adventure hinting strongly at depression—in addition to having him state outright that he feels lonely and isolated all the time. and like, he hates the job he works all the time, he’s not good in school, he and sadie feel an early connection but they obviously had to do a lot of work on that and step on each other’s emotional fingers along the way to finally get to where they are now—which i’m guessing is dating but without acknowledging so or at least not to others, he isn’t very close to his parents currently, he starts the series with 1.5 friends maximum and cant even approach the cool kids besides being desperate to be friends with them
like clearly he’s unhappy and for a while sadie and steven are probably the people closest to him even tho he is a lot more annoyed by steven at the start of things when steven is more little-kiddish than he is now…..but lars still acts mostly like himself around them But at the start him and sadie have too many complications and uncertainties to be really comfortable and again steven doesnt really come across as very mature, with lars pointing it out just now how stevens changed in that way, and it being difficult anyways for lars to confide in anybody
so like lars is and has always been super super defined and restricted by his fear of everybody he encounters, specifically being afraid of being hurt by them / fear of being disliked. i like to say that i think the way he prevents himself / his image is meant to be a way of controlling the reactions he expects people to have: i.e. making people dislike him is less scary/painful than being judged badly while hoping for the opposite. but i also never like saying that anyone who consciously cultivates their Look is faker than someone who doesnt put any thought into it, or is lying to themselves or others or whatever, i just would bet thats a part of it. but moreso than that, the fact that he’s irritable and ill-tempered all the time fits really well as a result of being so unhappy and afraid and trying to deal with it solo. it’s not about him not caring about people, when on an unrelated note but related-to-the-universal-human-experience he does something thoughtless or mean or just generally crosses a line, he notices immediately when someone feels hurt, and he’s shown to immediately feel bad, arguably to a fault and going too far with how guilty he feels. but anyways clearly even though he has the capacity to hurt people’s feelings, he’s very sensitive to that, he cares deeply when it happens, and he doesn’t want to hurt people. like apologizing with any genuine depth to it right off is an incredibly difficult task even for grownass adults, and lars is already really good at it. its wild that people think of him as super cruel and selfish when it’s clear that he’s very emotionally vulnerable and doesn’t have the capacity to callously disregard other people’s hurt feelings
anyways a point i’m taking a really long time to come around to is that lars is a really good example of someone who’s young and unhappy and isolated and really struggling with a lot of things and afraid of everything and the fact is that usually when youre looking for characters who are struggling with this kind of shit you get one-dimensional, maybe even one-episode characters like the person who shows up for the very special episode where everyone has a serious talk and learns a serious lesson and the Depression Character never shows up again, having gone off to be depressed somewhere else since we already know about depressed people. or depression and anxiety is something that can be solved literally overnight if you just confront the root cause, like eliminating the life problem that made x depressed or giving y a makeover or throwing them a surprise party to show them they have friends or something. or you learn that joe the bully is actually just physically violent because he is insecure, whoa man. or the Sad Kid is a running joke and a periphery character and their parents are getting divorced etc etc etc etc
the point is that lars is a main character and even when he learns things about himself that put him in a better place than when the episode began, his issues still don’t vanish (and i wouldnt be surprised if people use that as evidence that his character doesnt “grow”). and dealing with / revealing some of his issues arent a special episode, its just an episode, and its about him. he’s developed over and over and he’s shown to be a complicated person. he’s shown to enjoy things and have interests and a life. he’s a regular character as much as anyone else is, he isnt set aside in a special category
but the thing is that maybe people expect Mentally Ill™ characters to be more of the hamfisted media clichés with zero nuance and about as much accuracy to them? because there’s always the sweet-and-soft kind of person who’s surely dealing with mental illness acceptably because they make up for it by being pure and noble and something approximately like a newborn lamb. like depression is being maybe a bit cagey and avoidant and crying a lot and writing poetry (which will later be revealed as their secret talent!!) and sighing and generally just waiting for someone to approach them, very gently because they are shy and nervous like a fawn, and that savior will cure them with love and also with showing them how beautiful life is!!! and then they will start wearing more colorful clothes and they will be happy and the depression is over now, because someone just had to show their delicate, beautifully wounded soul the light
trauma? you can tell someone has Trauma because they act very stoic and strong 1000% of the time no exceptions but it is just a façade. they will never talk about The Thing. they will finally talk about the thing because someone pries about it with pure intentions and it is a big dramafest and theyve never talked about this before and everyone cries and its super serious and heavy and the person is a bit softer after that because they could finally let it out that one time. thanks, another savior. having disorders is just having turned away from the light
the point is that irl obviously things are very different and its rare to see people with such issues being treated the same as any other character and being able to grow in a realistic way and being able to have flaws the way that everyone else does, not having to be a pure defenseless dewy-eyed baby kitten who someone strong and Normal needs to rescue and put on the right path away from these problems forever. being pissed off and frustrated and confused but trying a lot of different ways to figure things out anyways is a lot more common, the way lars reacts to and deals with his vulnerability is a lot more realistic than just being a fairy-tale in-distress type figure. his character feels a million times more like he was developed by people who understand what its like to be experiencing what he does and developed for people who can relate to him, rather than being made by and for people who cant directly relate and who tend to make content thats wholly inaccurate and treats that kind of thing like an Other issue for Others that you only need to learn bullet points about because if its going to be a part of your life it’ll be a fleeting, one-time thing, not your everyday reality
i mean, its unsurprising that lars is actually pretty comfortable with steven now, given how long theyve known each other, but also how relentless steven is in being supportive of lars and treating him like a friend. its not surprising that it took lars this long to accept that, or that it was in part forced along by being stuck in a “we might die” scenario with steven. and its important to point out that this wasn’t just lars changing that made their relationship better, but steven growing as a person as well. if you put both if them in that situation during the start of the series, they could probably get along better than usual still, but you cant say that this is the first sign of lars developing any more than you can say this is stevens first development. lars has been struggling with himself just as steven has, although not in a fate-of-the-world way till now. lars couldnt be so conscious of his own fear and frustrated with it, and steven wouldnt have the maturity to do stuff like freakin sacrifice himself for earth by separating himself from the other crystal gems, much less lend lars the emotional support needed to give lars enough confidence to protect the off-colors
lars has been developing the whole time and even if people look at individual episodes and think lars learns nothing during them, i cant see how anyone could deny that this isn’t a turning point for lars as much as its the culmination of a gradual path he’s already been on. not to mention that “turning point” has implications like “redemption arc,” as if lars was inherently bad or worthless at the start of the series. he wasn’t; none of the characters were, but each character and all of their relationships were least developed of course. we see details and different sides of the donuts right away, and they both care enough about steven to treat him more as a little brother than a customer and to humor him sometimes. theyve always been important, and the fact that lars has always been a main character in the set of protagonists and that steven has always been a friend means that he cannot be converted by a “redemption” arc. he’s already there smh he’s always been there. seriously name one episode where he’s done something shitty and didnt do anything to make up for it. the only thing unresolved rn is he couldnt fight topaz for sadie, and he said himself he felt guilty over it, and it was already at that point the boldest thing he’d done and like, its not that unreasonable for a wisp of a teen to be terrified by a giant gem warrior that he had zero chance of doing anything to anyways. it wasnt glistening heroics but if thats gonna condemn lars like throw me in the pit too i guess. then he went and died for twelve individuals and left himself defenseless in hostile unfamiliar territory so that steven can go back to earth so thats something. but before all this alien drama like, again…..he’s always directly apologizing for shit and he’s just making everyday kinds of fuckups. he beats himself up about stuff. and gets beat up. and really like doesnt ever require an apology when he’s the one to get hurt, which isnt a requirement by any means and which is probably part of him thinking too badly of himself
the point? that maybe i still havent made besides saying i was gonna make it like half a dozen times?? is that lars is a really real portrayal of a person dealing with things in a real way. and its not the “pain is transcendent” thing where if someone is Suffering from mental illness it makes them wiser and kinder and holier than us regular people. its not where all you need to help someone with mental illness is one incidence of reaching out and telling them you love them and look at the stars and isnt it lovely. its not where disorders themselves are an arc and at the end, people’s personalities will be indistinguishable from that of those who never experienced what they did. its where dealing with this shit is normal and human and everyday and its not beautiful and its not gonna make other people “inspired” or get to feel good about themselves as your savior. its about pushing people away or having them avoid you anyways because they can hurt you in ways they can’t understand as being hurtful and shits confusing and sometimes kids will lash out and i bet lars was a lot more Difficult closer to stevens age than he is now. its about characteristics that seem ugly or repulsive or otherwise don’t directly cry out for help. its about shit staying with you even while you’re trying to figure out how to work through it. its about the unpleasantness of it all but also the real humanity behind it, not just using it as some device. lars’s problems are about lars and belong to him
and yeah of course he hurts people, but literally all the characters do; it has nothing to do with having disorders or not. everyone hurts each other even though they love each other, sometimes with the best intentions or 0% knowingly because they just have to figure out more things about themselves and each other. everything is about people making mistakes. lars is no worse in that matter than any of the other characters, he just happens to have a less appealing/inviting personality, god forbid less relatable. in the recent episodes he didnt have his usual defensive abrasiveness, even his frustration with steven in “stuck together” wasn’t that significant, and wasnt even much directed at steven. after that he was just scared, without it being masked by anger. he could be brave for the other gems because he knew he wanted to be brave and he knew how it felt for them to be so afraid and he was finally told that it was an okay thing that he still felt terrified. he could be completely himself with steven because of all the ways steven has gotten to know lars and refused to stop valuing him and how steven has grown to be someone who could protect others on his own in serious situations—which in this case included supporting lars emotionally as well as protecting him physically. if lars was dropped in that situation with the kid who just learned to summon his shield and was having an ice cream crisis five minutes ago, he couldnt trust or rely on him or count on him for encouraging advice. the way lars is in the wanted arc being so different from earlier episodes is as much about stevens development as lars’s really
like the real lars is and always has been deeply sensitive to peoples feelings (to the point he feels extremely vulnerable to them e.g. afraid of being hurt by being regarded negatively) and he’s always cared about the people he feels close to and he’s always been capable of moments of bravery for the sake of others and he likes wrestling and he’s good at cooking and he’s a dumbass sometimes and he watches scary movies and plays video games and sucks at school and is grumpy and is passionate and is scared and is a huge nerd with nerd parents and he never got over feeling hurt by the explorer club incident and he doesnt like fries and he and his coworker like each other and relate to each other and he sees steven as his annoying little brother and he doesnt know what he wants and also he’s a bi icon, it must be exhausting
lars has always been good and complex and i might be willing to forgive my slight disappointment in people realizing he’s good only now if and only if they go back and acknowledge that he’s been good this whole time. like obviously he doesn’t have to be your Fave or even “liked” to just be not hated or to be recognized as a complex, solid character. lars is so, so developed, probably more than any other human. he’s always been important, even before his importance had direct cosmic significance. he’s always shown signs of being thoughtful and caring and soft, and the fact that he’s hurt people he cares about and who care about him isnt evidence that he’s bad, not only because of the fact that literally all the Good characters hurt each other, but because irl hurting people you love isnt even necessarily evidence of a failure, its just an inevitability, and what happens following the event is whats a lot more telling than the fact any negative emotions were ever a part of a good relationship
anyways what’s definitely true is that lars didnt need to die. it wasnt a necessary atonement for anything lars has ever done. he didnt and doesnt need to be redeemed. he just was willing to risk his life for gems in a situation he could immediately relate to, and that risk happened to win out momentarily. besides, what lars was overcoming in that situation was his own fear, it wasnt anything that caused the stuff in the past that people seem to think so badly of him for. he was also protecting steven, sure, but steven was pretty much fine by the end of it coz of his shield. but he also hadnt ever really Not protected steven or anything so he didnt really need to make up for that or whatever
also one more thing ive always meant to bring up is that lars doesnt think much of himself and is prone to being too hard on himself but i know there are probably plenty of people who believe him when he says he needs to “deserve” being alive again. nah!!!! lars always deserved it
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survivaltips4u · 3 years ago
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22 Sane Channel To Figure Out What In The World You’re Doing With Your Career
Change inspires both fear and feeling, and one of our greatest endowments is discovering to manage both. Sometimes we have to be a little like a trapeze master we have to let go of one forbid before we catch the new one.- Nick Williams, columnist of The Toil We Were Born to Do
You just finished college or graduate school and are looking for your first job. Youre in a job you detest. Youre in a job you affection, but with no upward mobility. Youre thinking about going back to academy. You tried to start your own circumstance and it didnt work out. Or youve been traveling or having children and are trying to re-enter the workforce.
Whatever situation youre in, at some spot youre going to wind up asking yourself: What do I do next? Where do I proceed from here? How do I figure out my next gradation ?
In my experience, there are three distinct stages you must pass through in order to be able to answer these questions: switching inward, searching external brainchild, and then taken any steps. The first two stagecoaches advise “youve got to” mostly stop everything. Because figuring out what to do next is like shall be required to tie your shoelace. You cant do it while youre still passing; you were supposed to pause and do it properly.
But you too have to keep running eventually. You dont get anywhere in life by pure philosophizing you get places by doing, and thats where the last stage comes in. Youve returned yourself a chance to catch your breath, which youve done while reputation its most important match between internal thinking and external inspiration, and now youre well-equipped with the information and confidence you need to make a decision.
Heres a break-down of the 22 stairs I recommend for get unstuck and moving forward with conviction in your personal and professional life.
STAGE 1: TURN INWARD
1. Give yourself time in silence . Spend 15 -3 0 minutes every morning without any noise or distractions. Request your center interrogates( What is my next gradation? What would I genuinely be happy doing ?) and listen to what responses come from your thought. We waste so much better of our periods doing that we dont give ourselves any time for only being. 2. Travel . This doesnt have to be the whole lose yourself to find yourself cable because I know from 3+ years of traveling that it doesnt actually happen like that. What I entail is to seek movement and journey: a long car ride, an afternoon in a neighbourhood with good people-watching, a short weekend away. A change of view is staggeringly inspirational, as is problem-solving and substantiating self-sufficiency. 3. Think about your childhood . What events were you naturally good at? What are your happiest remembrances? What did you dream of doing before the world starting pushing and drawing on you? Let your past successes help inform your future.
4. Record your reveries. Dreams are an incredible window into your subconscious mind. Before you go to bed, spend time reflecting and asking yourself for clarity about your next stair. Leave a notebook under your pillow and, upon waking, write down your daydreams before you move, look at the time, or check your cell phone. Show on reoccurring situations, badges, beings, and places.
5. Go for a daily tread . Many great innovative and strong thinkers swear by treading( no music , no distractions) for muse and introspection: Gandhi, Stephen King, Thich Nhat Hanh, J.K. Rowling, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg and Beethoven. Me thinks that the moment my legs begin to move, wrote Henry David Thoreau, my thinks started to flow. A 2010 consider found that treading for 40 minutes 3 times a week enhanced the connectivity of important brain tours, shortened declines in brain function associated with age, and increased achievement on cognitive tasks. 6. Journal about everything , but make sure you tackle these questions in written format TAGEND
When do I seem most successful/ proud/ motivated/ joyful? Why?
What have I enjoyed most about my life and career to time? What has caused me sustaining? Why?( The why is an oft-forgotten piece of the problem and we dont often dig deep enough and keep asking ourselves the whys .)
If I could only change one thing about my life right now, what would it be?( And why ?)
What do I love about myself? What are my endowments?
7. Have purposeful dreaming time . This is different from time in silence or time spent journaling. Its time to actively engage your curiosity by envisaging alternate the chances of their own lives. The human knowledge ability to guess the future with nearly as much sensory details as real life is one of its most precious and sometimes paralyzing abilities. Use it to your advantage!
8. Take fund out of the picture . You can give it back into the equation subsequently, but its important to spend time actually conceiving what you would do if you didnt have to worry about finances. This mental utilization also gives you take a step back and be seen to what extent much coin does influence your decision-making, and if it has to influence it to the extent you allow it to.
STAGE 2: SEEK EXTERNAL INSPIRATION
9. Spend time with inspirational beings . Ever discovered the motto You are the average of the 5 parties you spend the most season with? When youre looking to make a transition in their own lives, bordered yourself with the various kinds of parties you aspire to be, ones who can provide insight, contacts, and new ideas. 10. Have deep conversations with family and friends . After a period of meaningful( and ongoing) introspection, you can begin to share what you are discovering about yourself and the world with others. Talk openly with the peoples of the territories closest to you and probe deeper than you usually would. Sometimes sharing your thoughts and desires out loud facilitates clarify or detect them for yourself. 11. Dont ask for admonition the usual behavior . Instead of questioning others what they would do in your shoes, ask them how they would decide what to do if they were you. The how provides decision-making structures that remain YOU in the moves set while continuing to countenancing a helpful grade of outside opinion. 12. Read a lot . I recommend autobiographies of people you find inspirational, as well as a few personal increase volumes specifically oriented around job and role, such as Body of Work by Pamela Slim and The Handiwork We Were Born to Do by Nick Williams. Too, spoke widely about topics of interest to you. By following your scholastic curiosity, you can discover brand-new provinces you might like to explore. 13. Take up a brand-new pastime . This related to curiosity, too. Hearing something new is inspirational, and it also awards you the ability to see yourself succeeding in new frontiers. Not to mention that it often leads to meeting different kinds of people who can improve your life and open up unexpected pathways. 14. Do some productive stalking . Spend time on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Google and create a spreadsheet of all the people and careers you find inspirational. The aim is to answer the issues to: Who do you admire and why?
STAGE 3: TAKE ACTION
15. Work on your health and physical well-being . Its easy to forget that the body and psyche are intimately connected. Nourishing yourself with daily practice and a health diet will tremendously impact your self-esteem and theres nothing better for plotting a busines move than appearing enormous about yourself! 16. Reach out . Remember all that productive stalking? Now you are going to use that info! Start reaching out to parties on email, LinkedIn, and other social media and solicit short Skype or coffee meets to pick their intelligence about their profession track( what I call informational interviewing ). 17. Set up 5 job interviews . For any places at all. Its important to get out there and hear yourself expressing about your flairs and knowledge. Its even better to start rehearsing by doing interviews where you are relatively unattached to the outcome so you can still play well, but are certain and relax. This approach are also welcome to give you an idea: perhaps you never would have considered a certain position or corporation before, but casting a wide interrogation net opened up brand-new realms of possibility. 18. Work free of charge . This is the greatest test of your genius, event, and ability to contribute. Those parties you contact out to for informational interviews? Do something helpful for them for free. Transport them a deck of studies on a new sell they might be interested in. Connect them to someone you know who could help their business. Make a small database of possibilities brand-new clients for them. Get imaginative! Or boldly ask a company you admire if you are able work for free for them for the three months for the sake of revelation and to support yourself. 19. Brainstorm all your alternatives . Sit down and make a schedule of every imaginable next gradation you could take: grad school, sabbatical, meeting a sidekicks start up, creating an online business, remain in your current capacity, asking for a advertising, making a lateral move, changing battlegrounds only, etc. Formerly youve brainstormed every itinerary you would possibly want to consider, restrict it down to a register of 2-4 options that seem most interesting to you. 20. Focus on the first step . For your short-listed alternatives, figure out what the first logical stair to achieve them would be. If you think grad school could be the right transitional move, then the first step is to identify programs of interest. If you want to make a lateral move( say you like your position but dislike the company or manufacture ), then you may want to attend a networking phenomenon in your realm to convene representatives of different business. The suggestion is to take small-minded , non-committal paces in a few guidances to get a feel for those paths. 21. Try something . The key to making a transition in life is to avoid paralysis at all costs, because you wont get anywhere through consideration alone. Its important that, formerly youve scrutinized all workable options and measured the water with a few short-listed alternatives, you take action! Of track, your activities should be accompanied by an understanding that good-for-nothing in life is perfect , nor is anything wholly permanent. Youll never know until you try, so you simply have to try. 22. Choose were concentrated in best available lawsuit scenario . When change is upon us, we naturally focus on and plan for the worst who are able to happen, which is a natural part of our survival-based biology. Instead, try making a decision based on best available event who are able to happen and see how that induces confidence in constituting your next big move.
In the end, its paramount to realize that your next pace does not have to define the rest of their own lives, it merely has to provide momentum. It has to retain your gaiety of today and render an incremental rise in your prosperity of tomorrow, but it doesnt have to account for your pleasure 5 or 10 years from now.
Think about how much occasion and vigor you probably debris trying to assignment yourself 3, 5, 7 years into the future and suspect what future you would want and base your decision-making today on that hypothetical person who may or may not ever come into being.
Taking the next step or changing attitude doesnt have to be a long, complex, and emotionally draining know. In world, rehearsing the above steps on a regular basis can actually help to sustain impetu and naturally offer opportunities for personal and professional advancement, allowing you to live a life of seamless modulations and self-assured navigation.
This post initially appeared at Life Before 30
The post 22 Sane Channel To Figure Out What In The World You’re Doing With Your Career appeared first on survivaltips4u.com.
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somedaypast-thesunset · 3 years ago
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i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 
yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 
this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.
at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 
but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 
on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 
its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 
and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 
its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 
if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 
and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 
theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?
and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 
so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 
i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 
how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 
society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 
what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 
i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 
no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 
life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 
i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk. 
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