#dont know how ill live here in quarantine for weeks more

[house-of-slayterr]

Hi I’m so obsessed with your writing to the point it’s unhealthy🤤❤️ , can I ask you to do please hannibal with an s/o who has covid-19 and had to be isolated due to quarantine. But like with their friend and that friend hannibal hates and jealous of

An: Thank you for bearing with me while this took so long. It's been a crazy few weeks and I have like 6 stories I'm writing that I had to catch up on. But I adore this idea. I kinda want the whole enemy vibe with Hannibal rn, so congrats, I'm your friend now, lol

Quarantine Quarrel:

Work had been rough on you for the past couple of weeks. You'd worked yourself to the bone, and what did you get for it? Yelled at by your boss for getting sick, when it was a customer's fault in the first place. The woman refused t wear a mask, and you tried to get her to put it on, but she refused to leave. And now you were paying the price for it. You hated your job.

So now you had to stay home, which would have been fine and all, but two weeks of isolation wasn't good for anyone. But hey, at least you had your roommate. They were kind, just a little bit of a goofball. But they were sick too, so neither of you could really leave the house for necessities.

"Fang, it's too hot in here!" You whined from your bedroom.

You heard a soft chuckle as your door was pushed open.

"Well maybe if you took the fan out of the box that I got you..."

"Yeah, yeah, you were right, can you do it for me?"

"Only because I love you."

They got to work unboxing your fan and putting it together to the best of their ability. You frowned when they left the room, but they came back with a cold washcloth and placed it on your head.

"Shoot me a text when that gets warm if you want to cool off faster you can put it on the back of your neck."

"How are you so good at this?"

"Hello, you're talking to the resident sick kid, being horribly ill is kinda my only skill." They joked. "Get some rest, your not going to beat this by fighting it. And the longer you're sick with covid, the less I can hang out around you."

"I know, I miss movie night."

"Maybe if we sit on opposite ends of the living room..."

They closed the door behind them and sauntered off to their own room for a nap. You were both woken a few hours later by a gentle knock on the door. Fang watched you peek your head out of your room, and you looked miserable.

"I've got it, you just stay over there with your germs."

You stuck your tongue out at them, before breaking into a coughing fit that made them frown.

"Very mature."

"You love me and my germs." They rolled their eyes before moving to answer the door.

"Look, if you're here for Y/N, they're very sick," they stated.

Nobody ever came to the apartment for them, so it was unlikely someone would start now. They finally looked up to see who it was, but they didn't really need to. The Armani loafers were more than enough to tell them who it was.

"Hello, Hannibal."

Hannibal knew t was rude, but he chose not to acknowledge their hello, it wasn't genuine anyway.

"I am aware of that, Frances, that's why I brought soup and mediation."

He lifted the neatly packed reusable bag for emphasis. He didn't need to ask to come in, because they just stepped aside. They knew you would be mad if they slammed the door in his face. Hannibal swiftly made his way to the kitchen and began unpacking. They watched curiously.

"You know, when most people say they brought soup, they've already made it beforehand."

"It will taste better fresh, not that you know much about taste."

"At least I dont week tacky overpriced Italian loafer in someone else's house. Isn't your whole stick like, heating the rude or some bullshit, take your shoes off, my guy."

"I'm not 'your guy', I wasn't aware that was a rule Y/N cared about."

He stepped away from the food and began to take off his shoes.

"Yeah well, we're trying to cut down on outside germs. Considering you stomp around at crime scenes all day, I'm sure your shoes aren't the cleanest."

He growled under his breath at this.

"I'm quite positive I've seen William in here with his boots on."

They scoffed and left the kitchen, not wanting to be in his presence anymore. They knocked on your door and opened it when you gave a groan in response.

"Your lovesick savant is here." they teased.

Your eyes light up in a way they hadn't seen all week. You rolled your eyes.

"Hey, hey, what's with the enthusiastic get-up, you're still sick, Take it slow, I'm sure he's not leaving even if I want him to."

"Why do you hate him?" "I dont. He hates me. I'm just reciprocating."

It was your turn to let out a dry laugh.

"You, you smell like my grandmother's left toe, you go shower, He's making you soup so he'll be distracted in the kitchen."

"I do not smell that-" You took a whiff of yourself and cringed, "ok maybe I do."

"I'll toss the sheets in the wash since you now have this miraculous strength to get out of bed." they laughed.

"You're the best."

"I know. And I'll try to play nice while he's here. Our bickering might give you a headache."

"'I'd-" "Give me a hug if it weren't for my shit immune system... I know. Now go get cleaned up."

As you showered, they cleaned up the room a bit and left a glass of ice water on your nightstand. Before going back into the living room and watching Hanibal finish cooking.

"Don't suppose I'll be able to have any soup."

"It would be rude not to offer any. You're sick too after all."

"I'm always sick."

"Then consider this a special occasion."

"Oh I will don't worry, I'll take it to my room. You and Y/N will have your alone time. Though I'll tell you, they aren't as well off as they'll pretend to be. That's all for your sake."

He sighed heavily.

"I've asked them to stop doing that, it's a-" "Trauma response, I know. Nobody's friends with me unless they're a little screwy in the brain box. Try harder. I know they aren't your patient, but you do pretend to care about them."

"Do not presume I'm pretending."

They chuckled.

"Oh dear god, the doctors actually fell in love. How cute, is this whole house husband act just a glimpse into their future?"

"Why are you so bitter? Nobody ever fell in love with you?"

"I'm not your patient Doctor Lecter, do not psychoanalyse me. I'm not bitter, I'm protective. They're my only friend, and if you hurt them..." They pulled him close by the colour, "You're going to end up more deranged than one of your little victims. Because unlike you, I don't aim to kill, just maim. Like what you've been slowly doing to poor Willam over the years."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"For a manipulative bastard, you're a shit liar." They sighed. "That's how I know you love them, and I won't breathe a word of it to anyone. It would break them if they found out, at least if they weren't eased into it. But Hurt them, your little escapades as the ripper will be a distant memory."

"Noted."

You turned to the side,

"Welcome to the land of the living." You joked.

They cleaned up nice for barely having been able to keep down food the past few days. The look in Hannibal's eyes told Fang everything they needed to know. Hannibal really did love you, and it wasn't some sick obsession.

"You too kids have fun. Text me if you need anything." They excused themself.

"You look lovely." He breathed out.

"I look like road kill."

He winced at the thought of comparing you to something so lowly.

"We should eat, you'll need it to feel better."

"You always do take good care of me."

"Until the day you die mijn liefje"

He kissed the top of your head, not caring one bit if he got sick. You were worth it in his eyes. Hannibal would do anything you asked of him, even stop killing if it came down to it. All he needed was you, to fill that void he'd be endlessly trying to fill forever.

Dutch: My Sweetheart

#hannibal #hannibal lecter imagine #nbc hannibal #hannibal the cannibal #hannibal x reader #covid #covid19 #sick reader

[potteresque-ire]

hello, ily metas! thank you for taking the time for them. i hope you dont mind an ask with two follow up questions to your metas i'm curious about: 1) has mxtx rly been sentenced? i have seen others also share this news but other fans have quickly dismissed and gotten pissed at these reports for being fake news that are bad for mxtx, and as fearmongering. 2) for those who want to support yizhan but not the ccp, do you have advice how to navigate fan support and interaction with their media?

Hello! I apologise for the late reply!  You’ve brought up some interesting points, so please forgive me for responding with an essay.

First, about MXTX — This is a follow-up to this post.

Unfortunately, this is all we got—all everyone has got about MXTX’s current situation: on 2020/11/10, she was sentenced in Hangzhou Shang Cheng District’s People’s Court (��州市上城區人民法院). No details were given on her verdict, due to “人民法院認為不宜在互聯網公布的其它情形”  (“The People’s Court decided it inappropriate to announce further details on the internet”). Here’s a link with the screenshot that showed all the information released about the case that day.

There are enough copies of similar screenshots to this one online, with the differences dependent on where the publisher pulled the information from the same website: 中國裁判文書網, an online archive of verdicts run by China Supreme People’s Court. There’re few reasons, therefore, to believe the information on the screenshot was fake. The link I used was Sina’s Financial News, which I believe is trustworthy enough for China’s standard.

It is also important to note, of course, that two scenarios may still render this screenshot irrelevant. 1) The verdict, which was not mentioned in the screenshot, was “not guilty” and 2) the name listed in the case, 袁依楣, was not MXTX at all.

Few have seemed to suspect 2) to be a possibility. Her real name might have been prior knowledge among some fans, or the combination of her surname and city of residence. 1) has been the where the concern / debate is.

I included China’s rate of conviction in the original post for this reason: acquittal is exceedingly rare (<0.1%) for the arrested in China. This short article discussed some reasons.

So, is it possible that MXTX is now a free woman? Yes. Is it likely? Not at all.

Still, since the probability that MXTX is imprisoned isn’t 100%, is spreading this news smearing her name? Fear-mongering?

I can only answer for myself, Anon, but my answer is no for both questions, which is why I’ve felt comfortable posting about her case. MXTX’s alleged “crimes” are things we already knew she did, or common practices among Chinese IP writers. We know she penned MDZS and other BL works; we know MDZS, in particular, has an 18+ element. She was said to have sold merch based on her works, but that wasn’t unusual at all for writers in Jinjiang, where she published her writing. Even those who don’t like her have seemed to agree that it was her writing that got her into trouble, not some other crimes she could’ve committed.

IMO, a guilty verdict doesn’t tell us as much about her as it does about the judicial system, the business practices of her country. It’s worth re-mentioning that media giants such as Tencent are closely tied to the government; Tencent’s WeChat, for example, is part of China’s Great Firewall and is used for surveillance, for censorship and removal of political dissidents. What MXTX’s case hints at is this: the government has (very likely) convicted her, while its close allies are continuing to use her works—works that got her into legal trouble in the first place—to make money. Some fans of MXTX have questioned if the courts have censored the details of the case to save the embarrassment of the rich and powerful, calling what has happened to MXTX 人血饅頭 (“human blood steamed buns”), an idiom used to describe the act of profiting out of someone elses’ life.

As for fear-mongering, here are my thoughts ~ it would’ve been fear-mongering if the public has access to the facts, and not years after they happen. Specifically, it would’ve been fear-mongering to leak the rumours of MXTX’s sentencing, when the judicial system is transparent and the case details will soon be published for all to see. Why? Because “fear” comes from the unknown, and “-monger” is the unnecessary promotion, stirring-up of this fear.

To promote, stir up anything, one needs a reference level. The reference level in this scenario is this: what is the level of fear if the facts about MXTX’s (and other BL writers’) situation are known? Of course, this knowledge doesn’t make MXTX’s experience any easier or more just; it doesn’t cause her less fear. However, she isn’t the target audience of this likely-to-be-true rumour. The target audience is the public and in particular, those who consume and/or generate BL material online.

What is the level of fear among this population if the facts about MXTX’s (and other BL writers’) situation are known? It’s the (relative) comfort in knowing the government’s stance on what they do: how the administration feels about BL, 18+ BL, and their distribution methods. The comfort comes from having the right information to decide how to act accordingly. For example, if I’m a BL writer based in China and I know the court has found MXTX guilty of bypassing publishing houses but not of writing M/M romance, then I’ll know to not produce paper versions of my writing, but I can keep writing.

This reference level of fear is unavailable here, however, since the government has decided to withhold all details about the case. Without this reference level, fear-mongering becomes a ... difficult to define concept.

Are these likely-to-be-true rumours agents of fear, or are they hints on how to survive in a country that lacks transparency?

Continuing with the example of I being a Chinese BL writer, since I cannot expect to hear more facts about MXTX, this rumour is all I’ve got in choosing what to do with my hobby, in deciding whether it is safe to continue. As I’m aware that a rumour isn’t a fact, I first research on the rumour’s likelihood of truth (similar to what I’ve done for MXTX’s case), and cross my fingers that I don’t get it wrong.

By doing so, I’m turning these rumours into my survival guide.

Is it risky? Yes. Is it exhausting? Absolutely. But this is the way of life for people who live under secretive, authoritarian governments—the authoritarian element making it impossible to demand more facts. It may take people outside such regimes some time to get used to—to the lifestyle, and to the idea that, in a place where news is often synonymous with propaganda, rumours are breadcrumbs of truth that should be sieved through with equal care as one would sieve through the news. Heeding, considering the probable truth of what the authority has deemed to be fear-mongering rumours can be a matter of literal life and death. 

Take...COVID. (I apologize for bringing up this unpleasant topic!)

I shall link to an article about the early spread of COVID in Wuhan here and ask: were Dr. Li Wenliang and the seven other doctors fear-mongering? Wuhanese chose to believe in the government, but at what cost to them? What would the world be like today if they took the early COVID rumours as true and masked up like Hong Kongers—Hong Kongers who weren’t any smarter or better, but had simply learned their painful lessons from the 2003 SARS epidemic? 

(Why hadn’t the Wuhanese learned? Because the government has long changed the narrative of SARS, taught their people that the illness originated in Hong Kong.) 

(How can one learn from past mistakes if one pretends those mistakes never existed?)

You must be wondering, Anon, why I’m talking about COVID when your next question is about YiZhan. The death of Dr Li Wenliang on February 7th, 2020, sparked a demand for freedom of speech rarely seen in internet-age China. Its fury, its ferocity forced the government to change its stance on Dr Li, again an unusual move. Since January 2020, Weibo had been censoring COVID news and opinion pieces that shedded a negative light to the central government; after the death of Dr Li, the censorship apparatus stepped up, making way for the propaganda machine to kick in later and change the narrative of the pandemic.

Here are some questions without definite answers, but may be food for thought for YiZhan fans:

1) While the Chinese government’s censorship apparatus (including Weibo) might have silenced the voices of dissent, of mourning on the surface, was it more likely to pacify, or fuel the anger of netizens, many of whom had lost loved ones, many of whom were still under quarantine?

2) Less than three weeks after the death of Dr Li, a group of fans demanded even *more* censorship from the government—the closing of an internet website that had been seen as a relatively free space to express oneself. How would these netizens react, even though they knew little about these fans or their idol?  

(It was, in the context of the massive silencing of COVID discussions in China, that I learned about the ban of AO3. There had been rumours that the government would censor more websites on 2020/03/01. When I read about AO3′s ban on 2/27, my thoughts were 1) Hmm. This came two days early. 2) AO3? Really?)

(I wouldn’t watch The Untamed or know who Gg was until several months later.)

Now, Anon, this is a good time to get to your CCP (Chinese Communist Party) question.

The very short answer is no. There’s no way to support YiZhan without, to a certain level, supporting the CCP. As mentioned above, the media companies are all part of China’s surveillance system. Weibo is where freedom of speech is curbed. Our two boys have been part of the propaganda machine; the BBC article linked above had a tiny picture of Gg on it, as he was a performer in the Hero in Harm’s Way (最美逆行者), a “real-life based” drama on COVID. DD just did a show glorying the Chinese police force (and here’s a video of the same force welding doors to lock in COVID-stricken residents).

Nonetheless, here’s my first advice: please do not beat yourself up for supporting YiZhan!

Gg and Dd are people who live within the system, inside the Great Firewall. They understand the world the way their government has taught them to—not only in school, but also in the news and media. Like most youths in every country, they’re patriotic—and to expect them to be otherwise, especially because of information they don’t have, is both unrealistic and unfair. Even if they do know about certain things impermissible within the Firewall, in China (as in many Communists countries), openly expressing / performing one’s proper political leanings (ie. loyalty towards CCP) is among the most important pre-requisites for any job. This has been especially true for c-ent in recent years .

They, like most of their countrymen, are doing what they have to do.

In this case, it comes to us, our decisions on how to interact with their works. How should we deal with them, their propaganda elements?

The answer, of course, varies from person to person. Personally, I’ve chosen the approaches of “immunisation” and “restriction”. By “immunisation”, I mean learning about as much historical and sociopolitical facts from non-CCP sponsored sources; this is understandably difficult for someone who doesn’t already have some familiarity with the culture and politics of the region, and/or cannot read the language. 

Restriction means limiting my consumption of media produced by China. I avoid shows (dramas, documentaries, variety etc) featuring topics that are likely to contain heavy propaganda, such as the military, the police, Hong Kong/Macao/Taiwan, and of course, anything pertaining to the CCP, from its rise to its governance of the country.

In general, I’m wary of all information presented about the post-monarchy years (post 1911), even though CCP wouldn’t begin its reign until after WWII (1949). Why so early? 1) Because CCP was formed in 1921 and so its glorification requires a change of narrative since then; 2) because the Nationalist Party (Kuomintang, KMT), which governed China between 1912 and 1949 (the so-called Republican Era 民國), would end up exiling to and setting up a new government in Taiwan.

How much propaganda should one expect in shows depicting the country post-1911? The current TV and webdrama directives (previously discussed in this post) offer some hints. Here are my translations of the relevant items:

D7) Dramas about the Republican era: Glorification of the Republican Era, the Beiyang Government, and Warlord Era requires strict control.

D10) Crime drama: crime drama is the focus of content auditing. The Ministry of Public Security (Pie note: in charge of law enforcement, ie, police) will be involved in the audit. The process of crime solving cannot be exposed; criminal psychology and motivations can however be depicted in detail. Undercover police cannot use drugs or kill, or damage the image of the police force. Criminals must be punished by law.

D12) Dramas featuring realistic topics: realistic topics must adhere to the correct world view, philosophy of life and moral values. They cannot place too strong an emphasis on social conflicts, must showcase the beautiful lives of the commoners. Regular folks should display larger-than-life sentiments and aspirations; they can pursue wealth, but must use proper means to do so; they cannot damage the public image of specific employment types, groups and social organisations. Do not preach negative or decadent world view, philosophy of life and moral values. Do not exaggerate, amplify social issues; do not over showcase, display the darker sides of society; do not preach affluence, avoid things that have no basis in real life.

D16) Dramas featuring the Revolution (Pie note: CCP’s coming to power): 2019 is the publicity period of the 70th Anniversary of the People’s Republic of China. Although the “Three Importances” (important revolution, important people, important events) are still encouraged, the  National Radio and Television Administration requires all departments, at all levels, to strengthen the control of content and the overall management of the industry, and focus on the auditing of content pertaining to the Sino-Japanese war and espionage dramas.

These directives (as those translated in the other post) are as vague as they are restrictive, and to err on the side of caution, production companies tend to “overachieve” to avoid going against headwinds at the censorship board. This means their products have a tendency to malign the Republican Era (D7). It means they will likely twist history in trying to depict the CCP as faultless heroes (D16). It means they'll probably present a utopian-like society and call it reality-based (D12), a society in which the good guys share the same values as the CCP and always win (D10).

Yes, my “restriction” means I skipped Hero in Harm’s Way. It means I’ve never listened to Gg’s version of 我和我的祖國 despite my absolute adoration of his voice. It means I just missed Dd’s performance in the law enforcement celebration event. It means I don’t plan on watching Being A Hero and Ace Troops.

So here’s where I’ve drawn the line, Anon, but it doesn’t mean that’s what anyone should do. Only you alone can decide where your own comfort zone is. I write these metas in the hopes that it can offer a … gateway for those who’d like to understand, with a more telescopic lens, Gg and Dd’s country—a country that holds a particularly strong hold over its citizens’ fate including, yes, their romantic fate. It’s not my wish to impose my opinions on anyone.

If I have other hopes… It’s this. Please, as long as it’s safe for you to talk, do not self-censor—especially about facts, especially on sites like Tumblr or Twitter that have long been banned by the Chinese government. I don’t mean one should go about and confront those who insist on a different version of reality. To undo opinions rooted in years of education, IMO, the process has to be voluntary, and the information is already at the fingertips of those who’re surfing these sites and wish to learn more. More importantly, open discussions of these topics may be risky for those who still have close ties to China, and keeping them safe should always be the top priority. 

What I mean is simply this ~ please do not feel obliged to agree with every perspective presented in YiZhan’s work just because you support the leads. Please do not feel you must remain silent about the CCP—its good, bad and ugly—just because your favourite stars happen to come from the country it’s ruling. And please remember: “Chinese”, as a term, has always included people who live outside CCP’s control, many of whom still fully embrace the culture, traditions and values of Historical China, a 5000-years long string of dynasties with shifting borders, ethnic makeup and customs. The Untamed is a mainland Chinese production, yes, but its genre, its manner of presenting certain traditions, wouldn’t have been developed, or flourished, without the diaspora. The CCP has only been the ruling party of one country, the People’s Republic of China, for 71 years, and as a party with foreign (soviet) roots and a record of destroying the pillar of the country’s tradition, Confucianism, it doesn’t own a monopolistic say on how every Chinese should think and act—no matter how much it insists it does—or how everyone should think and speak about China and its people.

It isn’t qualified.

#Anonymous #pie metas #pie answers #BJYX #yizhan

[freebooter4ever]

i’ve seen the discussion going back and forth on boundaries and sexual objectification, and i don’t have much to add to the conversation other than to say everyone is allowed to determine their OWN ‘lines’ and just because we don’t vocalize them doesn’t make them any less valid. but here’s the limits i set for my blog if anyone feels it is important for them to know (<3):

personally I consider ‘characters’ fair game for anything goes, with ‘public personas’ a little more iffy. ‘RPF’ isn’t new - it just takes on a new more accessible/visible form nowadays. i remember reading my first fic about a ‘real person’ back in my LOTR fandom days - it was a story in first person perspective about the main character meeting orlando bloom on a plane before he was ‘famous’. like a lot of these types of stories, it wasnt so much about the person as it was about the meet cute. the actor was just a convenient placeholder with a handsome face and some personality quirks thrown in to make the romance/dialogue more specific. i personally dont read much xReader fic nowadays, but mostly only cause i’m an old fart who can’t relate to the ‘you’ format. i miss the good old days when people actually created OC’s and then inserted them into things LOL. but also LOL if you think i’ve gone an entire year of quarantine without some imagined personal fantasies of joe mazzello (or steve aoki in the years before)(ramilicious can attest to this. she can also attest to most of these fantasies ending in friendship rather than anything explicit cause that’s just how i roll these days lol). the line i draw is i would never post these types of fics in a place where the subject could accidentally find them - you have to go looking for this stuff on tumblr, most fics are given explicit ratings and under read-mores. with the blacklist tags it’s pretty easy to filter things out. its even easier to add filters to ao3 searches. i am NOT going to do something like message steve aoki and say ‘yeah i watched that movie Ibiza like five times, here is my 1k fic where you’re the dj and i’m the one night stand’. but obviously people still enjoy imagining scenarios like these otherwise movies like Ibiza wouldn’t exist?

for art, i consider anything already on display up for grabs, we all know a certain person’s ass is all over the place...all you have to do is google ‘need for speed’ and rami’s name. HOWEVER, in the case of actors i personally would not draw anything more explicit than what’s already there. i’m not gonna draw full frontal nudity for rami (unless he gifts us with it in a movie, i suppose) or anyone. this is 100% a personal choice for me. 

i was a sophomore or junior in college when i volunteered as a figure drawing monitor where i’d time the nude model’s poses and help them set up the stage and lighting and such. there was this one guy in his mid forties probably, a regular who came every week, and i always thought of him fondly till one day (the day after i ran into my Hot Programming TA during dinner and later sent him an email begging him to go on a date with me because i was desperate for kissing experience)(and Hot Programming TA emailed me back within minutes saying yes) this artist guy who i saw all the time and thought i knew fairly well, decided to draw me instead of the model. which would have been fine except he drew me naked. i was NOT naked at the time, i was wearing a shirt, and a bra, and a full prairie skirt with alternating calico and floral patterns. he drew what he imagined was underneath all that. he came up to me after the figure drawing session and showed me his drawings and told me i had been ‘glowing’ and my response was to laugh it off awkwardly and get the hell out of there as soon as i gave the model their pay check. but inwardly i was thinking a) i was NOT glowing for this creepy man twice my age and b) i did NOT give him consent to sexualize my body under my clothes and then SHOW me that objectification. i never said anything to him or anything else, i continued to be the monitor, and i continued to field off creepy advances from him including multiple job offers, but when i finally realized i could just...stop..and i passed the student volunteer monitor job on to my friend naeem, i also realized that what that older male artist did was NOT ok in my book. and it was probably not something he would do while naeem was monitoring.

nowadays im working in an industry that regularly objectifies female bodies. in the past year alone i have had to deal with requests to make breasts bigger, i have been given character rigs that in addition to the usual elbow, knee, and spine joints also have ‘nipple’ joints but ONLY for the women (to make them jiggle for animation), every time i send out a female pose i get it back with notes that push it further into the sexy type of body language reserved for women (twist the spine more! sway the back more! give it ‘energy!’), i have been told to erase wrinkles and fat and pores but ONLY for the women (men you ADD pores bc realism! and manliness!) and this is all me working for a company that is actually fairly progressive in terms of sexism compared to OTHER studios.

like it or not, sexual objectification is a huge part of specifically women’s lives and how we react to that is our business. for me, turning the tables and putting men on display feels like fair’s fair. i cant stop the men from doing it, so if i want to enjoy sexualizing male bodies, damn it im gonna! like dang it, boy do i want to send steve aoki a thank you note every time he posts a video of himself doing those ice baths during the sunset golden hour bc holy shit gorgeous or working out in his gym wearing VERY little clothes, but i dont because i know what its like when someone imposes their personal fantasies on the subject. or, god, there was that time i had to unfollow nicole’s insta for a while bc i had a very explicit dream about her and realized, shit, i need to take a break and get my emotions under control before i can refollow. and god some of the stuff i see dudes sending her during her live videos on mental illness/meditation is TOTALLY gross and not something they should be confronting her with. and she’s not even ‘famous’ famous. or how some fans send their idols explicit direct messages without consent. THAT feels inappropriate to me.

a part of me feels like i shouldn’t have to defend this. men don’t. they’re even encouraged in mass media to sexualize women. but i also recognize the importance of talking about consent. the importance of recognizing that a celebrity deserves to have their boundaries respected. these are my lines in fandom. other people have different lines they won’t cross, and that’s okay to me. i block or blacklist any blogs or tags i think go over the top.

heck, even in fandom-only spaces i still try to keep my own more sexual fantasies off this blog and only in private messages with my friends and mutuals, and i feel like that might come across as unintentionally prudish or judgmental sometimes. i’m not ‘horny on main’ very often. but like...every time i reblog that particular ‘washing machine’ gif of joe mazzello am i thinking about him naked and thinking about how he’s got very loooooong feet, and ‘gee i wonder if that means /other/ things are Too Big for my tastes’ but also ‘gosh wouldnt that make a pretty picture to draw’???? hell yeah.

i dont know who is gonna actually read this essay but yolo i guess :)

#journal shit

[madd-information]

I saw your advice of dipping one's toe to another anon...I unfortunately didn't do that & now I'm confused is it good or bad? A lot of the information is scary...for someone whose thinking spirals I started fearing I would develop every mental illness mentioned.

The thing is I've never considered my daydreaming weird or freaky till the internet.

My mdding hasn't stopped my life yet. I have one of my dream jobs & degree. I literally used to daydream & create story boards for this job as a little girl.

At this stage I still know how to shutdown & study. & I have to be an active listener & take notes & read material beforehand. I even put dense documents in word document & play "read aloud" while also reading, it keeps me focused.

It's hard but I can. I've always known I have to work harder for decent or great marks & my ambition & Faith has mostly driven me to put in that extra work. But I always thought that all the hard work I do is due to my lack of concentration I've never focused on the idea that my daydreams were to developed or taking over my life or at least attempting to. My cousins & my mom used to make fun of the fact that at night before sleeping I would just stare in the distance (daydreaming) until I fell asleep or that I would just be smiling randomly at times.

I am working on being more social so i can get friends etc. I honestly think that my lack of social skills has more to do with my personality than my mdding. I like being alone. I hate trying to fill awkward silences & I'm extremely shy. My sister is my current best friend cause she loves me no matter what.

Cause people tend to bully me in real life. The last time I had friends I loved was at age 10 (I miss them so much) & I'm in my 20s now. I feel like women become meaner the older we get. Ive tried making friends at work but people were abusive in different ways. But I'm actively going to work on getting friends this year. I've decided to push myself to join group things (I just need to find things that are safe during covid times). I watched a video of one of my fav youtubers & she said she zooms with her friends at least once a week. So that is my aim to find friends to zoom with once a week with.

Basically my question is, is mdding bad or good?

How do you know it's good or bad? It's just weird to me that when I was younger people encouraged things like imaginary friends so many TV shows had kids with imaginary friends etc. But now my imagination is bad & means I'm ill. I'm genuinely confused.

I never had an imaginary friend as a kid & thought I was weird for that but I had stories which I would write down or tell my sister. As I grew older I kept them to myself I thought of writing them down but grew to lazy. I should've cause I think I had at least one gem. My mdding now has become stale and is about my ideal husband, my future goals career wise, my dream home & dinner parties. On occasion & quite recently though I've been daydreaming about being the new Tarantino. So I've decided to join a writer's club in my area they are waiting for covid to slow down before restarting for 2021. I dont know if that would fulfill my mdding of writing a stellar film & debuting in Cannes. But hey it's worth a try. 😀

But I'm excited to join the writing group.

I've taken up painting during quarantine cause I daydreamed about being a painter. I have a year to get good.

I tried surfing cause a movie I watched made me daydream about my dream guy being a surfer. I need a few more swimming lessons to take up that daydream 😂

Besides Tarantino, I've also daydreamed I was a musician so obviously I'm looking for affordable guitar lessons & vocal lessons. I live in a small town but I'll find something. 😀 whether or not that would fulfill my desire to record an album & daydreaming about a tour I dont know.

Also daydreaming makes exercise bearable. I could probably be more productive & study while exercising but I prefer daydreaming while exercising it helps me forget the pain.

I just hate when my mdding sneaks up on me at work. But I then have to use my meditation tools focusing on being present. Headspace has a great series on Netflix. I can daydream all day if I have no work, school, church or not around others. Otherwise if I am doing any of that I need to be present & that's my goal for 2021.

This is weird. Definitely pathetic. Probably a sign of an unfulfilled life? But is it bad?

Anonymous said:

Also another weird thing I do is I imagine my fav podcasts as dinner parties where I can give input cause I'm extremely opinionated. I like the different personalities on the podcast & wish they were my friends.

“Basically my question is, is mdding bad or good?”

MD is inherently negative in some way.  The daydreaming itself isn’t the bad thing, but our relationship with it.  I tend to explain it as akin to a food addiction.  Food is good and it is needed for us to live as functional human beings, like daydreaming it is a normal part of life which cannot just be ‘quit’.  But our relationship with food can become disordered and lead us to unhealthy behaviour and negative outcomes. Knowing if your relationship has tipped into the realm of unhealthy is the tricky part, and is negotiable to an extent, like how we can indulge in junk food regularly and still consider ourselves healthy and happy with our habits.

This line is different for everyone and there’s no real this-is-exactly-when-it-becomes-bad answer. The best we can do is make an honest evaluation of our lives, speak about it to a therapist if possible, and make our best determination.  

Here are some papers you can read to give you a better understanding of MD.  And here are some measures which might give you an idea about where you stand.  (note: these are measures meant for clinical use and were not intended for self diagnosis, they are provided to give you an understanding of what MD might look like)

[wintermutal]

🌻

new ask game send me a 🌻 and ill just tell you whatever the fuck i want

jeffree star, youtube makeup guru and millionaire, has been absolutely fascinating to watch through this entire COVID crisis. right before it hit the united states his boyfriend of several years, which he just made a video buying a brand new fancy BMW for that it appears he took with him, dumped him and left him alone in his brand new 15 million dollar 20,000 square foot sprawling mansion. it’s just him and his four or five assistants now. he’s still been posting videos and my boyfriend and i have been watching them together out of a sense of profound awe, because literally it’s like watching someone have a slow and steady mental breakdown within an ocean of things they own. 

things that have happened: 

- the first video he posted during quarantine, he goes and gets botox in his forehead at a plastic surgeon he’s been seeing for ten years, and then goes down to this fancy mod shop to pick up his 5th bright pink new car. he chose that day because the roads were clear because everyone else was at home, in quarantine. theres a montage of him driving it around, and then we are given a shot of him in his huge garage surrounded by all his other hot pink cars in various slightly different shades. he goes on about how he loves his cars, but theres nothing behind his eyes

- next video we are shown his louis vuitton bench. it is several thousand pounds and it’s in his front parlor. its literally a slightly oversized bench with louis vuitton logos all over it. he lounges on it briefly to show us the strange size and then says how he’ll need to move it out near the pool soon. the house is so empty. there is nothing but things here 

- a couple videos pass. he still has the dead-eyed look of an endlessly unfulfilled person trying to fill the void with money and things that never appease him, but still talks about how great his life is and how much money he has. each video he is surrounded by his assistants, who only ever tell him yes to anything he asks, and we can hear them doing this because they’re just off camera. his personal assistant lives in the servants quarters, i shit you not

- last week he got two more pomeranian puppies. he has six now. they are in a room he set aside for them with an incredibly large pile of brand new untouched toys. one of his assistants sets up the kennels for him as we watch. he has an oversized canvas portrait of one of his dead dogs on the wall overlooking the room. in previous videos he has told us that he lets his dogs lick his face every night to prevent aging. the puppies are cute but it is clear they are only things

- he says he’s giving all his employees benefits and health security and everything, but he’s also a landlord of multiple out-of-state properties, as he’s mentioned in previous videos but never mentioned since. we have heard nothing about his tenants 

- last video he got a tic tok. half of them that he watched were teenaged girls showing off how much of his stuff they own. he acts impressed but there is nothing in his eyes. one of the videos is of one of his teenaged neighbors ding dong dashing his 15 million dollar, 20,000 square foot mansion. he is furious and demands the kid take it down

- he recently put off his newest eyeshadow palette release because of COVID, and talked in a video about how this is a time of a lot of anxiety for businesses. he talks about how much he’s been donating and is also is hosting a giveaway to give $2,500 to 10 people, because he knows how much The Poors are struggling

my boyfriend has taken to listening to pink floyd’s ‘the wall’ while we watch these videos together with ad blocker on. it’s honestly incredible. i can’t imagine a sadder, more unfulfilling life for a person than the life jefferee star (youtube makeup guru and CEO of jefferee star luxury cosmetics) leads in his nearly empty 20,000 square foot, 15 million dollar mansion, alone aside for a following squad of yes men and his 6 pomeranian dogs. it’s an amazing, sad comedy at this point. every time i think he’s reached rock bottom his eyes glaze over and he goes lower and by god if i dont tune in incognito to watch his slow endless descent. it’s beyond satire. its poe’s law

#honestly just incredible. cant explain it #influencer anthropology #vandal.txt #asks #bondsmagii

[and-the-world-is-quiet-here]

Live 2020 debate commentary from a salty, disabled, and VERY pissed gen Z

 Yall he just said he’s immune

My dad just left the room

Bitch are u saying Johnson and Johnson is going to make the vaccine?

sir that’s the diaper company…..smh

Biden just said its going to be a dark winter

#winter is coming

“virus.....that came from china” -trump 2020

“were learning to live with it”-trump 2020

apparently “Biden lives in his basement”-your president 2020

totally accurate.....obviously

ohhhh biden just said were learning to die with it

trump interrupted biden

Mam I thought you said you were muting them?

biden laugh count at 3

he all about the once percent till its the dead ones

trump interrupting at 3...nvm its now 4

this debate is making my dog sad

interrupting now at 5 for trump

trump saying his young sons illness just “went away”

bitch he’s may age and no it did not just “go away”

he was in quarantine for two weeks

apparently nyc is a ghost town 

its not a ghost town trump I live right next to it

loudest neighbors ever

trump don’t call him Anthony

his name is DOCTOR Fauci

treat him with the respect he deserves

Biden looks so sad

nvm he legit looks like the joker right now

HALFWAY MARKKK

why is this at 9?

sir its a school night

I need time to scroll through my feed for hours before collapsing

Biden don’t use the word sovereignty

trump doesn't know what it means

thats discrimination against trumps

ohhh hes attacking hunter (biden) again

so he has a wee drug problem?

at this point everyone got one!

your the one making lewd comments about your infant daughter on national tv

(look it up he talks about his 6 month old daughters legs but and breasts)

get him big b!!

h876689908776- my dog 2020

he wants to express his disappointment

the light boxs is stealing his mother attention

ohh hes being rude to the moderator again

u a strong independent Indian woman get him girll!

mute his mike

prty plz

I am dissapionted in you

he’s saying he’s not allowed to release his taxs

(that is a proven lie)

“i was put through a phony witch hunt”- you'll never guess 2020

hes going after his BROTHER now

how is this allowed?

who decided trumps strategy would be to accuse his opponent of his own crimes?

look at the insults guys its a crystal ball

stay ahead of the scandal's

WILL YOU LEAVE HIS SON ALONE PLEASE

THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN LEAVE THEM ALONE

“i was a business man doing business”-trump 2020

no sir you were another rich white guy taking advantage of tax brakes and cheap foreign labor in asia

#american jobs as long as i don’t have to pay minimum wage

#you know like a DECENT FUCKING PERSON

Trump interrupted again

I lost count a while ago

Biden is staring into my soul

oh Biden just played the middle class childhood card

I haven't heard a single mute so far?

trump just said his bromance with kim jung un saved america from nuclear war

dont through my boy Obama under the bus

and another interruption

my big bro just screamed “MUTE BUTTON MUTE BUTTON MUTE BUTTON”

honestly same

10 more min guys

hang in there

OHHH trump just got MUTEDDDDDD

Biden is now on legitimate policy 

ahhh hes proud of his plan

annd trump just interrupted

trump just kissed up to the moderator

trump just said biden’s more liberal than bernie

ohhh

biden just said trump dosent know who hes running against

hes like “this is joe biden”

like I know bro but slick burn anyway

ohhh they muted trump again!!!!

perfect opportunity to mute missed

trump just blamed healthcare issues on nancy peloski

biden says the the republicans wont pass it

(btw hes actualy right)

2 mins left

and trump is speaking through it

1 min left

omg what a waste of air

I really want him to test his “immunity”

preferably during a harsh winter

ITS TEN GUYSSS

there running over

they still haven't covered immigration

shit

I have just learned there is 30 min left

I think I would rather kill myself than watch the rest of this

I’m seriously have a sensory overload right now

I’m doing this for u

“children are brought here by coyotes”-presedentail cown 2020

what a wack ass sentence

hes like ohIi haven't been putting kids in cages

and then just went but I didn't build them they were built in 2014

(contradiction much)

“who built the cages”

“who built the cages”

“who built the cages”

yes it was Obama but guess what

THEY WERNT BUILT FOR KIDS

there ment to house animals, evidence, and adult prisoners in emergency situations

THEY WERNT MENT FOR 3 YEAR OLDS

Biden was just like “well no actually kids come with PARENTS”

(kids hardly ever come over with out parents)

and then he was like and also WHO LOST TRACK OF OVER 1,000 PARENTS

(thats 500+ new orphans at the least)

hes saying only the illegal immigrants with the lowest IQs come back after being deported

we said the same thing in december about you but ya’know

my mum was like “anyone eating chocolate” and I was like “im snaking on this ignorance” and she was like “dont do that you'll get indigestion”

“no one has done more for the black community then Donald trump except for maybe Abraham Lincoln”

oh yeah Biden just brought up how trump publicly campaigned for the execution of the central park 5

WHO WERE CHILDREN

AND OH YEAH THEY WERE COMPLETELY INNOCENT

trump just yelled at Biden, got muted, and just yelled louder

trump just said he cant see the audience but hes the least racist person in the room

“Abraham lincoln here is one of the most racist presidents in american history”- biden 2020

biden just went “oh god”

he just said that he used to not support the blm movement because they chanted rude things about police officers

I would like to reiterate that “pigs in a blanket” has never been chanted in a protest or been a prominent statement in the blm movement nor “fry em like bacon” so what trump is saying is factually incorrect

unless hes on some sort of far right conservative twitter feed were he came across a video of some drunk white college kids chanting it 

but you know what ever fits you narrative

plus I would be pretty pissed if I kept getting shot at for no reason so....

Biden making more logical decisions

trump was like why have you never done all this stuff when you were vice president

“we had a republican congress” -biden 2020

we have the cleanest air

we have the cleanest crystal clear water

sir, i know you've been to mexico

don’t lie

the waters gorges down there

and not owned by your smug ass

trump just called china filthy

so you know....

*whispers* racism

ok 5 min left

for real this time

trump just went “aoc plus 3: and then hes like she knows nothing about the climate

ummm.... you dont even believe in climate change

bidens like “are....is...is is”

good for you

correcting your grammar

trump just said “the wind kills all the birds” out of the godamn blue

(he means wind mills and its untrue)

“Whats the next question baba”

“the final question is leadership which he doesnt have”- baba 2020

I feel bad for anybody watching this on the toilet

bidens starring into your soul

he knows what your doing

there officially overtime

its 10 33

they haven't even done the last section yet

btw ITS A SCHOOL NIGHT

why do they host these so late

I should be pretending to be asleep right now

this is generational discrimination

plus trumps supporters are so old there asleep by now

ohhhh its over

1036 final time

okay so thoughts....I generally dont like the party system i think its ridiculous the system was not designed for it, and its now more about loyalty then the actual candidates. I also am really hesitant to put another strait white male in the oval office, especially one thats from “the lucky few” I.E. the smallest voting generation in the country and also the one that already holds the most positions. That being said, at this point its really anyone but trump and I think bidens got the experience to turn things around. 

I AM IN SCHOOL I CANNOT VOTE. I am relying on all my older friends, followers, neighbors, and community members. To make an educated decision that wont further degrade the once hopeful future my generation awaits. Please if you can vote VOTE the kids are relying on you!

P.S. sorry i wasn't able to edit this earlier i struggle alot with spelling and didnt have the time to edit this because I HAD TO GO TO BED AND THEN GO TO SCHOOL. Why am I more politically active then people twice my age you might ask? Well, thats because adults are lazy and need to get of their gd asses and VOTE. So kids dont have to do the legwork for them. 

I have said my peace now, have a wonderful day!

#2020 #election #covid #trump #biden #debate #byedon #flyden 2020

[the-tell-tale-poet]

Uhm...

I seriously dont know how to explain or even where to begin with how life has been going lately or where ive disappeared to. If im being honest it feels like im losing my mind really. A few weeks ago i got retested after the doctors said my quarantine time was up, like i tested positive two weeks ago so i should be negative now. Boy was i wrong and now that i have tested positive for the second time (dont have many symptoms now though) life has picked up with the chaos. Recently my great aunt who we live with and is 76 has tested positive shes having a tough time, my great uncle has tested positive and is blaming me and my mother for it but there are people at his job who tested positive and didnt say it just came to work spreading the virus, my other great aunt who we dont live with and is in her 50s fell down her steps and fractured her hip, my aunt has taken more hours at work so i have to watch my cousin and make sure she doesnt get the virus, and since we all tested positive the rest of our family who should be trying to help us in our time of need is avidly avoiding and ignoring us like we have the black plague so we're dealing with this on our own. It sucks and im tired all the time but im trying my best so please just bare with me here. Im probably just going to try and slowly come back even though im not even sure how to do that now but ill try to, ill just be posting here and there maybe messaging the people i have rps with to see how they're doing and if they still want to continue (probably dont i wouldn't blame them for it). the only real time i have to sit down uninterrupted and write or reply is night time though at the end of the day i just pass out, however ill see if i can rework my schedule to get some in during the day.

Love Love Love

Lachelle ♥

#mun is sick #mun talks #damn it! im tired #just bare with me guys #i miss you i love you #dont know how long it will be like this #hopefully not very long

[jynzandtonic]

asks + answers (4/26)

Yo yo yo! I’ve been working my through my ask box, and wanted a way to answer some of the anon questions without feeling like I’m spamming y’all with bazillions of short info posts.

Instead of “killing two birds with one stone,” my mom would always say “feeding two birds with one seed,” which is a lot cuter, and also who the fuck is going around throwing rocks at birds for fuck’s sake. 

In that spirit, I hope this type of post is a good way to feed the birbs. xoxo

ANON ASKS:

Heyyy! So you have a masterlist?

Yes, or at least the humble beginnings of one! I just got a laptop last week, so I’m excited to finally get my shit together.

Today, I’ve been getting together all the fic links, and I’ll also be including links to browse all posts for each individual boy. The vast majority of what I’ve written is in ficlet/drabble/HC form, aka snaccs and thots, which will prove more timely to catalog. You can always track #jyn z snaccs for HCs and #jyn z thots for ficlets/drabbles if you don’t want to miss ‘em!

feels pretty shitty to see you responding to all these other asks but not the ones I’ve sent. oh well   

I thought about just deleting this ask like I did with the small handful of similar ones I’d received before posting about pausing writing requests to catch up, but considering this came in just a few hours ago, it’s probably worth addressing.

Anon, I am so sorry you’re feeling crappy about not seeing your prompt(s) fulfilled. I would never want to do something to intentionally make you feel bad. 

For the most part, I answer asks in the order they are received--perhaps peppering in others out-of-order to diversify the smattering of characters/kinks/themes. I write around 2k words a day just for asks. Up until a week ago, I was plinking out every word I wrote on a phone keyboard, too.

The reason you haven’t seen your ask posted is this:

I am just a smol bean. With two opposable thumbs. And a dwindling supply of beer and coffee. I have only been on tumblr for five weeks. I am still trying to figure this whole thing out. I can only write so much. I don’t want to annoy anyone by posting too much shit. I also live with pretty debilitating mental illness... but I don’t need any reason to justify not being able to churn out non-stop content. Yer babe here needs to take care of their basic needs. <3

~~I am try my best~~

Hugs to you. I hope you know you I value you, regardless of how dialed-in I am on this “web blogging” thing.

i loved your thicc thighs snacks and now im listening to lizzo 💖 sorry if this is personal but are you thicc?

How great is that Lizzo album, right? SHE SHOULDA SWEPT THE GRAMMYS DONT @ ME. Anyway. ^.^ I’m so glad you enjoyed the snaccs! 

And hey, ain’t no thang. I don’t think I’d categorize myself as thicc, but I would say I’m on the muscular side. A suitor once told me I had a “powerful butt,” which is (1) objectively funny, (2) a unique compliment, and (3) the best answer to your q.

In general, I’m a body glorifier. All bodies are good bodies. Anyone who says different can go fuck themselves.

the ‘someone you trust’ interaction in Swiped is very ‘i’m the bosses wife’ from don quixote and i appreciate it

HEY, YO, THANK YOU, I AM THRILLED ABOUT THAT RESONANCE

Also hearing Toby say “Yeah, you are the boss’ wife...” makes me rabid.

Nicole really made Charlie’s 6’3 ass sleep on that small couch

There are few things I find more endearing than extremely tall people on furniture that is obviously too short to accommodate them. AD on basically any furniture is in that category for me. 

Also, just to give a quick holler--for personal reasons, I tend to get really squicked by lingering resentment/spitefulness pertaining to the failed marriage of Marriage Story, so I prefer to steer clear of most emotionally-charged conversations around it! xo

You say y’all a lot, are you southern by chance?

Ha! No, I am not Southern. Quite the opposite: Pacific Northwestern. “Y’all” tends to be my default plural pronoun, as it’s quick and gender-neutral. My favorite gender-neutral plural pronoun is “party people,” but that takes a bit longer to type out.

two of my asks in one post! i asked about the baby steps too hehe. would you pretty please tell me about them? i’m so soft for loving daddy clyde 🥺🥺🥺 - 🤠

Howdy, Cowboy! Thanks for being so patient with your Clyde asks xo. I did mean it, though--that gets me a lil’ too soft and emotional right now! Perhaps when I’m not a quarantine sadboi. MORE FILTH TO NUMB THE PAIN!

If I could count down the days until you drop the flip chapter fic I would! I have been absolutely WHORING over him!! Can’t wait to read it!

AWWWWW I am so happy and also JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKIN BICYCLE FLIP HAS HAD ME WILDIN RECENTLY. I have said it before and I will say it again: something about than man makes my nostrils flare involuntarily and that’s... that’s some shit.

Hello beautiful soul! I've come to ask about my boy Jude? He needs more recognition!! Stay safe!

Hiya, darling dearest! Thank you for your sweet message; I hope you’re safe and healthy wherever you are. Right now, I’m pretty darn stacked with characters to write, and I’ve gotta get my blog footing underneath me more before I consider adding any more boys. In the meantime, stay stocked up on Raisin Bran. ;)

I just have to stop and say you write some of the absolute best HCs and I just love the layout of your snaccs so much

I just have to stop and say that you are the absolute best and I so appreciate you reading and being here. HUGS!

XOXO, jyn z

#asks + answers #jyn z updates #masterlist is coming along... fuckin finally right #pls be patient with me #jude #cowboy anon #why do all my wips keep getting longer instead of done-r #lizzo and gender-neutral pronouns: two of my favorite things #about jyn z

[sortagaysortahigh]

Yall i need to rant somewhwre so im going to do so here. This is personal so yall can keep scrolling idc tbh.

I live in a very toxic household, like genuinely its sexist, mysoginistic, homophobic, ignorant and disrespectful as fuck. Mind you for a while I was used to said behaviors because Ive grown up in shitty ass places with shitty ass people and after a while you get numb to it. It becomes your normal.

My freshman year of college is when I finally realized that my normal wasn’t normal-like sure ive always known how fucked it all was but after a certain point it stopped bothering me. So i spent a year away at school and it was one of the best years of my life, then sophomore yesr came around and i was so excited to go back to school and fall semester was so much fun, i loved being back on campus in my apartment-sure i had beef w my dirty roommates but it was sm better than being home.

Then covid hit in the middle of my spring semester, we all got sent home and Ive been stuck in the environment that i was so thankful to leave. The people I call my family dont treat me like fucking family, they treat me like im nothing but a piece of shit snd they constsntly remind me of that. I am one of the conossouirs of daddy and mommy issues at this point because what the fuck. Ive been in this house with the same people who told me I was a mistske to my face-on multiple occasions-for months.

These are the same people who are impecabbly homiphobic and ignorant. I get into srguments with my “father” so often that I literally cannot bring myself to talk to him. This is the same man who doesnt believe in mental health and who thinks everything i fucking do is a cry for attention. Like my guy relax...you dont even know my birthday and we dont have a relationship because you left me for like 14 years...some store trip.

I have 4 brothers. 4. Two of which are barely starting elemtsry dchool and the other sre grown ass men who get fucking spoon fed. Ive always done more than them in the house snd outside of it, im not tooting my horn im being fucking realistic. I was raised under the ideology that “you cant find a husband if you dont know how to cook and clean” like bro relax im literally a lesbian. Ever since this stupid fucking quarantine started ive been doing everything-and when i refuse to do so its always the same “get a job and pay rent”-mind you i had a job, and now i have another job but im not paying these people shit. Not to mention whenever something goes wrong its either “its all your fucking fault” or “get the fuck out of my house”. And now that im carless i cant get kicked out bc where tf ima go. My parents wanna make me homeless so damn bad.

But the worst part of it all is itll go from i hate you, you were a mistske, i wish i never had you, why do you always fuck everything up, what the fuck is wrong with you to the ‘i love you, im sorry, you just make me so mad sometimes’. Like yall this is toxicity at its finest. Real clown shit. Im so used to it that at this point in my life my mental health is just at a steady decline but guesd what? Ima just get zooted and everythings gonna be fine for a few hours. But a few hours turns into a few days then a few weeks and now its been months. If you cant stay sober because of your family life, recognize that theres an issue there.

And to everyone whos read this, to everyone whos had to stay in their toxic ass households during the pandemic, and to those that are still minors just know that I feel for you, and I love all of you. If you ever need someone to talk to or to rant to Ill be here. That goes for literally abyone because i know hot alone it can feel-and how suffocating it gets.

[angelmichelangelo]

i have friends who havent respected quarantine rules and 2 of them asked me to picnic with them & i said i would (they do know im pissed, ive called them out several times) if we meet at the park and leave from there, stay over 2m apart and bring our own towels and food.. i still feel a bit weird about it. would respecting those rules still be bad? i dont want to be annoying to them and cancel even if we’re planning to respect all those rules

anon, with all due respect.. you’re not respecting the rules at all. you do not need to have a picnic with your friends. even if you think you’re sticking to the rules and helping, you’re not. because three people in the park is fine, right? as long as you sit a little way away from each other, right? because if three people sit in a park, and one person sees you and goes “huh. if they’re doing it, why can’t i?” those three people in the park becomes six, which then becomes twelve, which then becomes eighteen which gets bigger and bigger and bigger because hey! everyone else is doing it! and with more people, the less likely you are to be actually socially distancing and the more damage you’re contributing to.

go back through my previous asks, read them, and then ask yourself if you really need to have a picnic this week. ask yourself if it’s fair that the people who physically cannot leave their houses, those that have been inside with their children for nine weeks without proper education or help - those that cannot visit family members or friends or professionals - ask yourself then if you’re being fair.

full offence, anon, but fuck your friends! fuck hurting their feelings over a picnic! you’re not respecting any rules by even considering going outside! is a person being hurt over being called out more important than a persons life?? because to me it sure the fuck isn’t.

if you’re capable of sending me an anon through social media, you’re more than capable of picking up the phone and group chatting those friends. you’re more than capable than talking to them over the phone. you do not need to have a picnic. you do NOT need to see your friends right now. facetime them, zoom call them, skype them - there are SO many options out there to stay connected to your friends and loved ones. you don’t need to sit outside in a public area and have a picnic because you miss them.

i don’t mean to get angry anon, but considering what my post said about people disrespecting the lives of others, all for so many pointless things like having dog walks with your friends or going to the park - you don’t need to do any of that. what you need to do is be considerate, tell your friends that you won’t be contributing to possibly more deaths/illnesses/strain on the healthcare system, and remind them that social fucking media exists, and it’s so very easy to talk to them without having to do it over fucking cheese and bread in a public place that will help spread the virus.

i’m not sure what kind of reaction you were hoping to gain out of me after i so very clearly expressed my opinion on how frustrating i find this kind of stuff (and then somehow wording it like you aren’t the one doing the bad thing) - but like i said. if you really don’t understand the message im trying to put out here, scroll back and read my previous asks and maybe then you’ll understand why going to the park to have a picnic with your friends is not respecting the rules. if not, then idk what to say to you. i really do not know. but one thing is clear:

you. do. not. need. to. have. a. picnic. with. your. friends.

#ask #anon #tw corona #tw food mention

[acheybrain]

my life here

im a 18 year old senior is high school. i live in Florida, born and raised. My parents have their own business here, a restaurant, and are christian. They both migrated here, my dad from Mexico and my mom as well but mainly form her hard life in Texas. I always feel so selfish thinking about my future with out them. Not in that way of “oh i hate my parents i want to move out” type of thing but just the need of wanting to be free and be able to do the things i want kind of thing. like dye my hair and get a piercing or two. But when i actually get to thinking of my life without them it makes me really sad. Like there are so many things i want to do in the future but when i think of how im gonna get to that point it really frightens me, i guess. like the thought of me moving away to college alone is terrifying. i really dont know how my sister did it. I feel like her being the older sibling helped her a lot and also pushed her more for wanting to get away but i dont know. Lately ive been feeling so stuck its kinda sickening to think of. like ive really been falling behind in school and the more i want to fix it the more i think about how much ive really fallen behind in and the more it stresses me and the more i think about it and makes me sad and digs my sad little hole of stress and worry deeper. its like a never ending cycle of overthinking, frustration and worry. i love my parents so much it doesnt even make sense. i feel that ever since my dog passed away my relationship with my father has been so rocky. there were these few weeks about a month or two ago where him and i were constantly bumping heads. during and after that smelly period i was just constantly crying over him. he didnt do anything to me but it just made me so sad to know our relationship was plummeting. i think we’re okay now but i think ill go into deeper words about my relationship with him another time. i love my mom so much. shes honestly one of the best people i will ever know. shes really like my best friend even though we bump heads so often. i always think to myself its just because shes a sagittarius but shes really just so different. shes really like nothing ive met before. her life was so hard it pains me to think about. there is still so much i dont know about her and why she says and does the things she does. i love both my parents so dearly and i really hope they know that. i feel like recently or just kinda along the past four years or three? i was really going through my ‘mad at the world and everyone is out to get me’ phase and it sucked. i think it really just happened because of my own issues and insecurities which was terrible but i think im kind of ripping myself away from that. thankfully. i feel that being in quarantine has really opened my eyes to a lot of things in a good AND bad way. there is much i want to talk about here but i feel that i were to go into depth with everything ive mentioned here itd take me days to write about. so i think this will be the end of this post. im probably going to write about something else right away but for now this is it. 

[douleur-acquise]

mer. 01 avril / 16:48

A sour week has officially tuned into a good one!

for some context : when my father passed away, he left behind a lot of property in morocco and france, and a lot of money. and seeing as i wasn’t an adult yet, my mother held on to my earnings. after a years worth of fighting and moving around houses and almost being forced into an unwanted marriage, my lawyer that my sister had set me up with finally called back this morning stating that a court date has been set and i will have all my earnings signed to my name and a check with the money that was being kept from me. enough money for me to live off on. patience really played in my favour this time.

my mom has been in morocco for a bit now. with no plans on coming to canada - ontario anyway. my brothers are happy for me and im waiting on a call back from my sister to tell her the good news. i feel really good.

the only thing i really have to worry about now is what to do next. depending on how long this quarantine will last, my plan from the beginning is to finish school here and to move back to strasbourg, where i have a home and family. a few months ago i had to reapply to McMaster for the program of BHSC Biomedical & Life sciences. i hadn’t gotten into my first choice program which was Health Sciences but im okay with it. i applied for the same program at université de strasbourg which i had also gotten into. so ive got a foot in each country. im really just glad i can continue my life like normal 19 year old and do my own thing.

if i dont end up going back to france in September, my plan in to just stay in hamilton. i want to put in a deposit for a loft downtown that i looked at yesterday but i want to keep looking. regardless of the money i now have, it doesn't really make much sense for me to live in a house alone. my brother went back to ottawa yesterday, he's got a place there so he's just gonna stay there for the time being. he's already got a car there so he's leaving me his. my older brother works a lot so i haven't been seeing him much.

its been pretty boring in the house lately. my friends have seemed to gone m.i.a this week. ive had a single friend over and he's been really great. we've had a lot of ups and downs this past year but we talked through a lot last night. he just went through a break up and we’re both just a bit lonely right now. ive been thinking of staying at my pool house in ancaster until i get my check and decide what to do. ive got no reason to be in hamilton, and my friends can always come hang out with me there. i was thinking of asking my friend if he'd want to come stay with me. id love the company and neither of us are being held back by anything anymore. im seeing him tonight so maybe ill bring it up at some point. 

ive also gotten back into sketching a bit! my friend’s encouraging me to start publicizing my drawings more. i know my stuff isn't amazing but he makes them feel like they are. i want to start posting some more stuff on here, maybe even make an instagram page for them. i guess we’ll see. im feeling hopeful.

relatively, this past year been pretty awful to me. people came and people left but at the end of the day ive always had myself. and that's what's most important. as things start to change for the best, im reminded of all the things i have, and the friends that have helped me. im grateful for everyone and everything, whether they've stuck around or not. and i wish the best for them all.

[gothic-chicanery]

The Diary of Dr. Elena Rosewood

Horror one off story. I’m putting it under a cut

TW for blood, death, and disease

12/14/37

Sent to quarantine, and am currently kicking myself. I tested positive for the disease and the police didn’t listen to my explanations. Now I am without my lab and test instruments, and the data gathered will be strictly qualitative. Damnit.

Of course, this may be a blessing in disguise, as the effects of the vaccine will be able to be seen firsthand, and I’ll have to worry less about my own credibility. Though as a medical doctor who has spent years studying this disease, credibility was never too much of a worry.

I just hope someone takes care of my cats.

No symptoms so far, though that is expected. The incubation period is usually about a week, but this may be altered by the fact that this is a weaker strain that will be easy for my body to fight off. Maybe I will not have any symptoms at all. One can only hope I suppose.

12/16/37

A man leaned into me while I took my daily exercise yesterday, so close that his nose almost touched mine. Dark red sclera showed he was in the later stages of the disease. “We all have it in here,” he growled. “We are all infected.” His breath smelled awful, a mix of metallic and rot, as if someone had shot a deer in a penny factory.

“Yes,” I said slowly. “That is essentially the point of a quarantine.”

I’ve decided to keep mostly to myself from now on.

This story has very little to do with the scientific side of my work, but it is an anecdote that I think would provide quite the cinematic moment when there is a biopic made about me. I mean, the person who discovered a vaccine against the blood plague (though I always hated the sensational nature of that name) will surely get some sort of film recognition.

When I get out, of course, I’ll remove this section. But I believe it is best to be honest to yourself. The rest of the world can get the cool, collected scientist.

Asymptomatic probably still. I thought my sclera looked a little redder, but that may be more easily attributed to confirmation bias or the quality of the mirrors here. It’s a wonder I can see my reflection at all through the graffiti. Wishing I was home. Accurate testing equipment wherefore art thou? My ex, I’m sure, would correct me. Wherefore apparently means why even though it has a where in it. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never should date English majors. And they say scientists have sticks up their ass.

12/20/37

Definite redness now. I guess it was too much of a long shot that I wouldn’t end up with anything happening. I can’t decide which looks better, a miraculous recovery, or to never get sick at all. I think this. Looks like I’ve suffered more.

Though of course, this isn’t about me. It’s about all the people that I will be keeping safe from the disease.

12/25/37

Well. Merry Christmas to me. I’m Rudolph the Red-Eyed Fucking Reindeer. Disease taking hold. I think it’ll get worse before it gets better, damn it. It’ll definitely get better though. I’m confident in my own intelligence, if nothing else. I had hoped to be out of here before Christmas, but I guess that’s too much to ask for.

I’ve started tasting blood.  Every meal seems tainted metallic, though that might actually improve the shit they have us eating. It’s all frozen and half rotten, bottom of the barrel kind of stuff. I guess that makes sense, why waste the good food on those of us that are going to die anyway? I mean, I won’t. But for the rest of them, why bother. There is no cure for the blood plague. Even I’ve only managed to come up with a vaccine.

1/3/38

I lost my journal. No, more accurately, it was stolen by the motherfucker from before. More accurately, he stole it, bled on the pages, and then threw it outside the fence. I have no clue why. He’s bad, blood streaming from his eyes and lips. I could barely make out what he was trying to say, every time he tried to speak, blood dribbled out. Not that I cared what he had to say. I’d imagine he only had days left.

My own condition isn’t getting better, though it hasn’t gotten noticeably worse. Small amounts of blood in my mouth, my spit has been slightly tinged pink for the last few days. I calculated the turnaround though. It should be any day now. Any day…

I debated whether or not to write down how I’m writing this, as my journal is no longer here, and decided why not. It’s blood on my wall. I know what you’re thinking, that i’ve likely gone insane, that the blood plague is taking hold. It’s not, I can promise you that. When you look at it, it’s perfect logical.

My top priority is information. I have to record these events so that the process of my vaccine can be documented and studied. As a scientist, I know the most essential thing is data. I need to be able to provide that. I’ve just been forced to use alternative methods.

He would’ve died anyway. There is no cure for the blood plague, and he barely had days left. Something that saves lives is more important than the death of one man, I know it seems macabre but he would’ve died in days. Is it really even a murder when you’re both on death row?

He is.

Was.

I’m not. I’m going to live.

It wasn’t hard, really, to kill him. He wasn’t strong, and it was quite easy to split his head open. The blood just mingled with what was already on the floor and walls, have I mentioned this place has gotten disgusting with all the blood. Dragged him to my room, dipped my finger in, and began writing.

I don’t want this to sound horrific. It’s not. I distanced myself from things, made the matter merely academic. When dissecting something, you don’t contemplate the pathos, you just analyze. That is merely what I’m doing. He would’ve died soon anyway.

1/11/38

The body stinks to high heaven and I can barely get enough blood to write with without a few maggots or flies crawling over my fingers. I need to remain objective but they are truly disgusting.

Blessing in disguise, perhaps, my own eyes have begun dripping. My mouth too, though that’s diluted. I can keep writing. I will document this. I will wait for my body to fight off the vaccine, for immunity to kick in. I will be the one to figure it out I will be known I will be a savior

Just a little longer

#horror #writeblr #my writing

[lokbobpop]

Currently

Currently means now. You're currently reading the meaning of the word currently. As with other words you use to refer to the present time, when you use currently, you're often implying that things might change. For example, if you say you're not currently dating anyone, you're hinting that you might in the future.

1300, curraunt, "running, flowing, moving along" (a sense now archaic), from Old French corant "running, lively, eager, swift," present participle of corre "to run," from Latin currere "to run, move quickly" (of persons or things), from PIE root *kers- "to run." Related: Currentness.

Currently cure rent lie current ly curr ent ly

Writing the word currently

Im currently trying to work on many points of myself it feels overwhelming that so many need ti be covered at one time but if i was an on looker at myself i know id be do it all at once get it over and done with you can do this just get the job done so am i do this i wonder and will i cope with all i do i dont know but its a lot to deal with all my comparison judgements of self and others the whole mind system but i could get good break through to maybe like thsi some good changes might happen its only because i didnt realize before there was this much shit going on in the first place i was just skirting round the outside of me seeing only the big things that stoood out and not real investigation of whats inside of me.

Reading the word currently

Currently my health bothers me i have many things wrong and im going into doom and gloom ill never be a healthy person again my menopause has really hit me hard and my hypothyroidism has got me down its incurable they say autoimmune problems and the thought i might have to deal with this for the rest of my life pisses me off it feels unfair but hey i did create this consequences so I have ot live with whats i have created and maybe us it to help me find me within it all.

Currently im stuck in macau and i do want ot just go home but without all the quarantine shit i just want to go home since pattie had to be put down a few days ago i feel ive had enough i want to be there not here i can do stuff there here i feel i just sit and write all day and do nothing else ive got not energy I don’t want to do anything maybe its a form of depression with menopause or thyroid problems but i need to get out of this i really do.

Im not worried im depressed lol after writing what i just wrote am i depressed lol i feel like everything is moving and im tryin to keep up with it all.

Currently my relationship is ok of cause its never going to be perfect until i get it out of my head i need affection love and just give ot to myself and not want it outside of self lol

Saying currently out loud

Currently i want to be with the girls i want to see how they are see the house and garden is see all my friend but i wont be going home for a while well 3 months then 2 weeks quarantine

I feel guilt for pattie dying she hid for days with rotting skin and when she came hope she had ot be put to sleep its just fucking awful how can this happen but i have guilt that i blame the girls for not looking just for her hard enough i think they should of looked hard enough but i know that feeling after looking I ain’t going to find her and want to give up so i need to use this to not give up on things like myself never give up do your Brest to be your best.

Sf

Does this definition support me no fear of not awakening to myself blame towards the girls as in im just as bad but i blame them thoughts of my health is never going to change im always going to have these problems with health today i feel fins but this wont last its a rolla coaster health ride not liking not having control over my physical body wanting more with out doing more it seem but im upset pattie had to die i really am she was a sweet girl.

Currently cure meant to be

Currently

Whats going on right now how are things

I will live this word with what is currently going on is what i deal with right now these are the things i need to learn from get over whats right in front of me now with living words of self perfection self determination self honesty

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

#im fucking tired #ive hardly had any alcohol lately as well #ive snuck some though but not as much for unwind time sadly #also discovered sourz alcohol and it is wonderful #i made someone laugh until literal pissing themselves though so #im taking bloody pride in that comedy so

[the-100th-witch]

ugh i got to veeeennnt

im usually gone all day at work and by the time im back home my roommates are already kinda doing their own thing whatever.

i live in the living room and understand that there is little in sound proofing i get that and really it’s perfect bc im literally at work 8am to 5pm and by then they settled into reading/on computer whatever. but ive been quarantine-ing for like a full week now and im losing my mind

i had to chose the living room place bc the place i was originally aiming for (with a room) couldnt get their shit together to get everyone on board and it was already a few weeks before i ended my lease at my old place and i couldnt wait for them to get their shit together (they were telling me if they couldnt find anyone they were gonna not rent the place even tho i was fully on board like?? nah i dont take risk like that lol)

so i found another place where it was a living room space (with a curtain/tarp combo separating it) and the ppl were super nice and whatnot (two grad students and one had a bf on the lease)

and it has worked out pretty well, we all arent super talkative so it’s fine, might not continue to lease with them bc sometimes even if it kinda works out some personalities it just meh. But omfg i hate the BF

he’s honestly fine, nice and keeps to himself but he stomps around and sighs so loud that i think he’s yelling. Like dude?? chill? and he slams doors in the kitchen (not in anger but like you know how you are moving and you just swing the door of the pantry shut behind you and it might just swing a little too loudly? yea). 

But also the girl (the gf) is super nice but she’s very...idk she asks a lot of questions about im eating or doing and while i understand that it’s a way to get to know someone i do have some food anxiety (not totally but my mom didnt make it easy and plus im just not a very good cook so i eat whatever i can get my hands on) and ill bring it up to her but thats more a personal thing on my end. She doesnt do it often but maybe bc im irritable being stuck inside that im like “pls dont talk to me about my food it’s just mac and cheese idk idk!?”

overall, they ARE nice ppl. Ive had way worse roommates like by far but i also had roommates where we clicked and grew super close. Im thinking i wont continue to live with them if im still in the living room bc i think personally it’s not my way of living (it just happen due to circumstance bc my first place didnt work out). If the other roommate moves out and i have no other options ill move into the other room (she’s never really here either, either working or at sisters/or bf’s place but shes super nice i wouldnt mind moving into a place with her if it’s just her ya know?

I hate thinking like this bc it could be WAY worst i know and i know it’s bc ive been off work for like a week and whatnot so im actually here all the time. Which is what makes living in the living room work im only really sleeping in here/hanging out before bed time lol

i just needed to vent lol :) im talking to some friends who want to move out of their parents place and im hoping something can come out of that bc ive lived with them before and know them. 

#personal #venting #i think it's mainly bc im here and theyre here all day like i believe their work is remote and im just off due to being sick #which sucks bc it was just a cold and im feeling better but due to covid i had to get tested bc my job ugh #i should be going back so i should be fine #ugh just been in a shitty mood lol