#dont know where they walking though

[elftwink]

one major difference i have found between service industry work (in my case food service but this is widely applicable to similar jobs) and other public-facing positions is that the job itself is often very similar because people is the same, it's just in service everyone approaches you already thinking they're right and you're a fucking idiot and its their god given right to disrespect you, where in other positions even if they are not nice to you they usually acknowledge that you know more than them on issues pertaining to your job. like the difference in behaviour from people who see you as serving them vs helping them is unreal. i am doing literally the exact same things. customer is always right mentality did irreparable damage to the fabric of society

#good idea generator #i loveee the library front desk everyone is polite and people will just ask you anything #they assume so much knowledge and access to data #ill be like 'just one moment let me look that up in the system' [googles name of school + upcoming events] #also not in a mean way but i never realized until i worked here how little anybody is googling anything #i think its funny and i also love to google things for people so i am perfectly suited to this #and some questions even though they are googleable the issue is more that the person isnt totally sure what theyre asking #but like. the library hours are visible on the home page. and outside the building that you just walked into on a sign #PPL DO NOT READ SIGNS. i knew that from other jobs but good lord people do NOT even GLANCE at signs #ppl would fully walk past like 4 signs about a specific thing and proceed to ask me a q about the thing. after waiting in a line #constantly CONSTANTLY ppl are trying to enter or exit through locked doors. clambering over closed signs to do so #its someones job when the library closes specifically to point out the signs and direct ppl to an open exit #and still often people will get up to the automatic doors and be baffled and confused as to why they dont open #but like even this i dealt w/this at my food service job and it was so frustrating #bc when you had to confront these people they would get MAD AT YOU. furious that they didnt read a sign telling them where to line up #but at the library people are polite and apologetic so you know it's not malice or entitlement ppl are just kind of inattentive #monumental difference tbh i actually love front counter so much people are so fun #and i like it when nobody is actively trying to kill me with their mind while we speak

[liquidstar]

a friend who'd wait :)

#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops. #and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can! #and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol #finn's ocs #finn's art #i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me #and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun #i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here: #barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past #he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it #he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned #which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them #they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore #but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird #and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place #though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library #and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together #since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door #eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement #barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time. #barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate #but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd #he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself #but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done. #and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies. #and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them) #and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances'' #from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov #sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3 #but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little #bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the #very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the #house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks #Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a #gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a #treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of #color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration #like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a #auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies #so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk #and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver #but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and #sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an #active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have #been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start #to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've #done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!' #(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks #with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm #secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool #stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers #me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or #it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for #too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been #investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely #enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed #google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj #LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!

[arthur-r]

as usual i am up late into the night planning my future when i should be: getting a good nights sleep so that i even have a future!!

#i have work in seven and a half hours. so i should really be getting to bed #BUT i officially made my final definitive degree plan!!!! i mean not the actual classes but all the requirements i have to meet and how!! #(in order to earn: history and information science double major. with certificates in material culture and classics) #and i’m genuinely excited for every single class i have to take except for human-computer interaction #just cause i know it’s gonna get overly technical in ways that won’t quite apply to my future #anyway every single other thing i’m gonna do is very cool and exciting. so everything is good really #but i should be sleeping. and i’m not. as usual 🤧 #idk wish me luck!!!! i’m so hyped about my degree plan though #i’ll go into more detail another time. i’m very excited #ANYWAY goodnight!!!! can’t be so busy planning my future in library science that i DONT GO TO MY SHELVING JOB #kind of important to actually go to work for the library that employs me…. #and then i might go see a first-printing roget’s thesaurus!!!! or i’ll sleep. we’ll see #followed by lunch with GUY WHO IS THE WORST KILL HIM WITH HAMMERS #(there is nothing really wrong with me he just keeps kind of being mean to me and also expecting me to fall in love with him. but like #extremely passively and not manipulatively it’s just like. hey buddy you’re doing this friendship wrong….) #anyway then i have a class and after that i have an hour to rest. and then a phone call and then a lot of homework #(ten page paper draft due in a week and a half!! so it’s time to start writing the actual body of it) #and then i sleep for a LONG time and then work again on saturday. and then sleepover with somebody i have a crush on?? #and then be normal all day on sunday and do a little more paper writing. and programming homework. and whatever else #and then keep up with the slog for three weeks!!!! and all of a sudden it’s summer!!!! #projects left this year: material culture paper (entirely unstarted. but may research the thesaurus and just win!!!!) #history project (draft due the monday after next and real paper due a week after classes end) #one more programming assignment where i adapt my recipe doubler project (probably. it’s getting stupid at this point but it’s what i got!!) #and a programming test in two weeks and then the final a week after that. then no more programming #and then i just have my weekly latin tests and a latin final on may 5th. and then EVERYTHING IS DONE #ok i got this. sorry for walking through my schedule in the tags it’s how i remember what’s real #can’t believe my fucking partner just kind of walked out on me there hello???? like. we should be powering through finals together #but i’m genuinely better off without him so i guess it’s just whatever. trash took itself out or something?? #anyway. i’m so regular. and i have work in the morning. and i’m going to sleep #thank you world. goodnight

[todayisafridaynight]

i went on a walk and came back 60% more evil

#snap chats #you know that meme of spiderman holding back the bus while a kids walking across the street thats me @ myself right now #STOPPPP STOP BEING SAD STOP THINKING OF SAD THINGS TO DRAW OUUUUUGGGH theyd be SOOOO nice tho.. #NOOOOO STOPPPPP its JUST angst for Everyone involved #this is what i mean my dad a fucking LIAR he be like 'go on a walk to feel better :)' father i came back with the intent to harm #with the intent to harm all ten people invested in the arakawa family i have come to be cruel #but NO. NO i said no more. wheres that electric fly swatter i need one of those #i have CUTE and WHOLESOME things on the menu THAT is the OBJECTIVE #my mental health keeps getting worse and it shows im trying to fight it with family fun time #who tf made that graphic of the mate in charge of ghibli movies and he's depressed as all hell im tryna live like that #i might be dying inside but let me make something pretty at LEAST #okokok let me actually start drawin onea them sweet things. the urge to lie down all day is strong but i shant i must be stronger #also dont walk outside it hot as hell out. im built like a lizard though thats perfect for me #but tryna sit in a cold place afterwards No Thanks. #ok my head hurts bye lets see if i come back with anything or the apathy wins

[lordsardine]

.

#when i wrote awh i had to claw my way to the amount of kudos it has now shelling out money for commissions and running a blog #it's amazing now writing for a popular fandom where you cough and suddenly you know have 100+ kudos in 4 days #insaneo behavior. this fic is about to surpass to be nations #i doubt it will pass awh though lmao i dont see me reaching that level again. which i am fine with #miscellaneous #dinner was great. entering a food coma now with all the good german food #though my friend and i did get a good walk in too to help offset it lmfao #time to zone out and then Maybe do a tad bit of writing before the night is over. tbd

[sharkneto]

1, 6 and 16?

.1. fave book? MEAN why did you ask me that when it was one of the options, hard question. My default answer is Aron Ralston's autobiography, Between a Rock and a Hard Place (what the movie 127 Hours is based on). I've read it quite a few times and Twin gave me a signed copy for Christmas one year. Idk, reading about a man's mental and physical survival journey to cutting off his own arm (and all his adventures before this moment) hits me in the right spot. Books I've read recently, as I'm getting back into the whole reading thing, I supremely enjoyed Six of Crows and The Goblin Emperor.

6. fave trope? Another hard one. For this I'll say... main character denying that they're Special as they figure out they're Special. I'm listening to The Way of Kings at work and the few chapters it took for Kal to realize something was up, making excuses for why x or y happened, was delightful.

16. fave day? Fan of Thursdays. Something about it being over the hump of the week, get to look forward to the fact that tomorrow is Friday and then the weekend. It's nice.

faves ask game

#i appreciated the goblin emperor for how straight forward it was #loved the main character and you were absolutely rewarded as a reader for paying attention and predicting things #and then obviously six of crows - kaz is a blorbo and that heist is french chef's kiss #this is now just books i enjoyed and gideon and harrow the ninths both get mentions here #gideon was just a great ride and then harrow had the *best* twist. the pov reveal i had to pause and walk around for a minute #it was So Good #and i've been enjoying Way of Kings! #my friend sent me the audio book because she and another friend are obsessed with it #so i report to them as i get to different parts and have thoughts about what's happening #fun for everyone #kaladin has the worst fucking time guy can't catch a fucking break #i have a whole prediction for where he ends up but i dont know the pacing of this series for what happens when in what book #or even what the necessary overarching plot is of the entire series #the war obviously and uniting the kingdom i suppose - and the return of the knights radiant and the implications of that #but again idk the pacing of it - i'm almost done with book 1 and Kal is still having a terrible time with bridge four #and my prediction is that he's obvi gotta get out of there and end up in a place of prominence in the army #probably with dalinar because he's not a sack of dicks - and get a shard blade #(even though he doesn't want one I know - so it has More Implications when he does accept one) #my pet theory is he gets Dal's #but - again - first he has to get out of being a bridgeman #which assume will be a terrible time for him yet again and all his fellow bridgemen will die on their escape attempt #ah fuck and then however Shallan fits the fuck into all of this what is she even doing #any way if anyone else has read way of kings/stormlight archives enjoy my probably very wrong predictions #please do not spoil it for me i'm having a great time listening and guessing #ANYWAY thank you for the ask lizzie lol #ask game response #ask response

[cleromancy]

not enough posts about jason is a crybaby on this web site

#my man is weeping he is wailing #the part in lost days where he's just openly walking down the street with tears streaming down his face #and no i dont CARE if he hasnt cried since the confession-ultimatum 😤 #(i mean i assume hes had to have had at least a ~single manly tear~ in rh4to or sometjkng right?) #....actually i think he might cry in countdown #or #...nnnno actually #to be honest though when jasons crying i get a similar feeling of seeing a frog on a lilypad #like 'yeah man. thats exactly where youre supposed to be' but it makes me sad also. but like yeah he should be crying. youre right. #my point is that my brain fills in jason crying #like oh you guys forgot to write the part where he cries. thats ok ill just think it 🥰 #so while i think i would remember jason crying if he cried after utrh bc i love to see it. i cant be sure #on account of he definitely was. between panels and/or pages. i know it #so. who is to say. #dc

[humanmorph]

art is so fun. i keep looking at what i made and going waahh its so good. its so good? its soo good though.

#were SO back rn. its so far from its so over you dont even know #(still in the sketching phase) #(im gonna get sick of looking at this sooner or later its part of it so im having my fun rn.) #rosa rambles #i like being my own hypeman its funny : ) #im gonna take my walk now though im at the c/w episode where they switch to the sprawl. fairly relaxing to listen to. AH i just remembered #my post for the last set of episodes. #i forgot about it in my drafts bc i wanted to draw a little image again.ill do that when i get back

[happyfunf3tti]

LETZ GO!!!!! IM FINALLY OUT OF WORK AND AWAY FROM MY ANNOYING AS SIN COWORKER!!!! YAYYYY

#tw all caps #i dreaded coming to work today because i know he would pop up #hes so untitled and rly condescending #like dude ive been here for nearly two years ur not supposed to be doing that #he insists on knowing what hes doing even though hes still new #and thinks im really bossy when im really just trying to save his butt #i dont want the managers walking over and seeing him pour a buss tub in the sink where he wash our hands #theyd scould him #like this dude rly wants me to shut up so bad and not call him out #ive gotten into multiple arguments with this guy and i just really hate him #🌈squee.exe🎸 #i mean entitled whoopz

[jibunwo]

MADE FUN OF MY SIBLING AND THEY MADE A FACE AND I COULD TELL FROM THEIR FACE THAT THEY WANTED TO PUSH ME DOWN THE STAIRS AND AS I WAS OPENING MOUTH TO TELL THEM I LIKED THEIR IM GONNA PUSH YOU THE STAIRS FACE THEY SAID SHUT UP ILL PUSH THE STAIRS

#this was near the stairs but not so near that they couldve just done it. like they could see the stairs but i was not quite ripe for the #pushing so it was extra funny that i could divine their intentions from just their face #im good at that though. i have an intuition for what sorts of silly violence people are planning to enact unto me #once my friend offered me a warhead. like the candy. and i was like oh no thanks :) and he was like are you sure? and i looked at him and #immediately covered my water cup. he was like HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO WHAT THE FUCK #and i was like HOLY SHIT YOU WERE ACTUALLY GONNA DO IT I THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY #and that started a longstanding tradition of putting shit in each others waters. he liked to sneak up on me and get me with a nerf dart bc #he knew hed never manage it if i could see his face. asshole got a napkin in my milkshake in low lighting once though. i could always read #him really well with that kinda thing though like he wasnt that surprised when i stopped on the sidewalk and walked to his other side so he #couldnt shove me into the street bc wed known each other for ages at that point but they warhead thing was like. a couple weeks after we met #ALSO SHOVING ME INTO THE STREET WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DANGEROUS WE WERE IN BUTTFUCK NOWHERE THERE WERE NOT CARS. HE WOULD NOT SHOVE ME INTO #THE STREET TO GET HIT BY CARS. WORST INJURIES I WOULDVE GOTTEN WERE SKINNED KNEES AND THAT WOULDVE BEEN HILARIOUS AND HED NEVER HAVE LIVED #IT DOWN. BUT NO CARS. NO GETTING HIT BY CARS. ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER SHOVING PEOPLE INTO THE STREET GETS THEM HIT BY CARS WHEN I TELL THAT #STORY BC ITS GETS ME INTO THE BUTTFUCK NOWHERE MINDSET WHERE CARS DONT HIT PEOPLE THEY ONLY HIT DEER #what was my point. dont remember. oh well send tweet or whatever #mine

[sereniv]

Practice being uncomfortable and learn to live with that

#purity culture #like theres tons of things i enjoy that also are problematic or uncomfortable #either bc of the time they were written or the topics #or whatever reason #like learn to put it to the side #ive watched old movies where theres stuff that just. not great #racist shit #and i acknowledge and know wow thats not ok #but i am able to pluck that out and put it to the side #i dont justify it. i dont ignore it. or even pretend it didnt happen (though sometimes i do) #its just like. ok that happened . very much hated it. moving on. #and im able to enjoy a movie overall but i still would warn people #JUST BE UNCOMFORTABLE #find shit that makes you uncomfortable and actually figure out if its harmful to you or if its simply uncomfortable #like theres been movies that have transphobic moments and then theres ones that sre transphobic #i probably will still watch through ones that have moments. i can still see it as a good movie but that doesnt mean the transphobia was good #for example the billboards movie a recent one. used the n word every moment it could #saw it in theaters and didnt know it would happen. it was said by white cops. and i was close to walking out of the movie theater #because it wasnt an uncomfortable I could stand. and i would say it was a mediocre movie #but i could also say it was a good movie in camera angle in story etc if that were the case (its not) #like be fuckint complex #and actuallt figure out what is somethinf you need to speak on and fight against #and what you need to just give opinions and know they are simply opinions #let yourself be uncomfortable until you can figure out what is a real problem and what just squicks you out GOD #learn to block people not harass people too

[wabblebees]

.

#fuck me fuck me fuck me #my ex texted me last week & ive been so FUCKING conflicted about it (even tho ik i shouldnt give a single fuck)(but i fucking MISS them #EVEN THO ik i REALLY shouldnt)(aaaAAAAA) #but i havent responded yet and i dont Plan to (bc even tho i WANT to ik thats Stupid & a Bad Idea)(& probably entirely self-destructive) #but i HAVENT yet. and i havent seen them in fucking months and. but i just saw them #i just walked past them #and if my friend hadnt been there to pull me along and keep walking me over to where we were headed anyway and then walk me home... #fuck me. fuck. i think id have just... frozen #i almost did anyway #and i KNOW just walking home was the Objectively Correct move but. holy FUCK its taking all my goddamn willpower not to just. #run out into the fuvking night and find them again. what the hell is wrong with me #*i* broke up with THEM. bc they were triggering my rsd and making me spiral ((WHICH wasnt necessarily always their fault!! so i wouldve #been happy to keep managing that myself!! the way i usually do!!)) but more importantly they were APPARENTLY sneaking around behind my back #Still. apparently they were Still sneaking around behind my back. #so i left #and ive regretted that ever since. even though ive always known that was the right choice ive ALWAYS doubted. bc they were so #ugh. FUCK. #i hate everything. its so dark and confusing and terrible and it was so fucking easy to just trust them and love them wholeheartedly and #that was the thing i cant regret. i cant make myself regret that i threw myself into it completely #it was just. so lovely #and everyone keeps telling me that i did nothing wrong & that i made the right choice to take care of myself & that i should just move on #but if it was the right choice why is it so fucking awful?? why is it STILL so FUCKING AWFUL even tho i kinda thought it was getting BETTER #its been fucking MONTHS why do i still want them. why do *i* want to fucking APOLOGIZE for breaking up with them over the ways THEY HURT ME #why is it still so hard to get it through my fucking head that they didnt keep their promises!! #again and again pulling the same bullshit!! this text they sent FIT the FUCKING FORMULA. AS ALL THEIR OTHER ''im sorry can we talk'' ONES #the apology and the excuse and the offer for a conversation ''if youre comfortable and willing'' all followed by something terribly sweet #and totally disarming. and it FUCKING WORKS. EVERY DAMN TIME. #i dont WANT it to. but it DOES. and theres an extremely loud part of me that just wants to run headlong into it & say fuck the consequences #but i SHOULDNT. fucken hell i feel so uncertain abt every decision i made wrt them. but im trying to take care of myself now at least #bee speaks

[underlying-purpose]

I hate feeling really really depressed and nobody noticing a difference.

#haha go to counseling #oh can you do this for me and pay for this #oh sorry you know how hard it is for me even though i sit around all day doing nothing #its not like i expect or usually even want people to notice #but idk it feels really bad that its not noticable. am i not noticable? are my emotions not noticable? #i have these periods where i feel terrible and feel so tired and feel like i LOOK so tired but nobody blinks an eye #im walking around doing everything as usual and talking to people but i dont feel the same #and i hate it #theres so many things i feel so bad about right now but the worst part is that nothing is going to come of these feelings. nothing. #i just have to sit here and wait for them to blow over like usual. #while im stressed as hell having to pick up the fucking slack #yes i can and yes i will and yes i know #but do YOU know??? would you want to? would you care. #thats all. #vent #vent post #and i know some of this is because im running out of my depression pills #but these feelings are still real. ive been having them regardless. im just more upset because of it #i forgot one of tumblrs functions but im missing some tags that said: #hey can you help me do this or hey can you pay for that or hey sorry haha you know how hard it is for me even though i sit around all day #even though most of my time is spent working or trying to earn money through my art that barely garners enough interest to work #like yes i can and will and know but why does it feel like if i asked or dis the same things you wouldnt care? #i want help. i need help. im WILLING to help you. why do i have to reach out so far for your help when i walk up and catch you when you #just barely trip. i reach to you before you reach to me 9 times out of 10. do the fucking same for me god dammit #AND #dont be like because i know #i know i know i know i know i know #i know #i just want acknowledgement #its all i want

[arthur-r]

(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!! #but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!! #people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.

[carcinized]

can we talk about how fucking wild it was to ride the schoolbus as a kid. like a bunch of kids i didnt like knew where i lived and one just showed up uninvited once like wtf was up with that

#some kids had bus stops or whatever but where i live if u walk on the street u Fucking Die.ppl go 60mph on that shit and theres no sidewalk #so ppl just 💀 knew where i lived 💀 and could tell literally anyone 💀 #elementary through the start of high school. godbles. scary shit #other than that i LOVED riding the bus though it was so fun. so much better than morning daycare too u werent supervised at all #i had so much fun times. the penis game. the one little kid who threw up once a morning. dragging a trombone down the aisle #it was fun!!! i miss it tbh but i DONT miss everyone just knowing where i lived #tobin talks