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#dont mind me im just emotional today about this little family
m00ngbin · 10 months
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I want to say that I just had an episode but was it really an episode or did I just convince myself it was
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lilysbookshelf987 · 2 months
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New camper: Percy Jackson x reader (daughter of apollo)
A/n: thank you so much for giving this a read! This is my first time writing for the PJO universe so let me know if you like it! Requests are open! No NSFW or Smut! Enjoy
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"Good morning" Percy said tiredly, greeting his best friend Grover at the dining pavilion, taking a seat next to him.
"Morning" Grover replied, "hey did you see Annabeth on your way here? She's usually the first one here and I haven't seen her yet"
As if almost on cue she was walking towards the boys, an excited smirk painted across her face.
"Camp Half-Blood has a new camper!"
"What?!" replied Percy
"She showed up late last night, all alone. Chiron told me she had been hurt pretty badly but he took her into the infirmary and gave her some Ambrosia"
"She took it? So, she's definitely a half-blood?" Percy asked
"Yep! We should be meeting her later today" Annabeth was ecstatic, she loved new campers!
--time skip--
As the day went on there was still no sight of the new camper. Word had made its way around camp and people began to take their guesses as to who was her parent.
"I hope she's in our cabin!" A child of Aphrodite had said
"No! I bet she HAS to be in ours! Showing up without a Satyr by her side means she's a warrior"an Ares kid chimed
"As long as she's not in ours I dont care" a tired looking Hermes kid said.
It was almost dinner time when Chiron had found Percy, sparring with someone from the Ares cabin.
"Percy can I speak to you for a moment?"
"Yeah sure" he said, removing his helmet and recapping his sword.
"Im sure you've heard we've had a new camper join us."
"Yeah it's all over camp" he replied
"Ah yes. Well let's say she hasn't been thrilled to learn about her new family. Reminds me a lot of you when you first came here"
Percy thought back to his first few days at camp. He was confused, scared, angry, and very much overwhelmed.
"I was wondering if you could help ease her mind by speaking to her. You understand what she's feeling better than I can."
"And im not half horse" Percy smiled
"Yes there is that" Chiron chuckled
"Alright I want to meet her!" Percy agreed. He really did want to help, but he also knew how jealous Annabeth would be that he met her first. The two walked into the big house and there she was, staring down at her feet.
"Y/N, this is Percy, son of Poseidon. Percy this is Y/N. I'm sure you two will get long swimmingly" Chiron chuckled at his own joke, "I will give you two some privacy" with that, he left the room. Leaving the two teenagers alone.
An awkward silence filled the room, when finally Y/N broke the silence.
"Son of Poseidon, huh?" she asked
"That's me" he smiled, proud of the title he held.
"That's crazy, the gods don't exist!"
"They do exist. I know it all feels a bit insane at first but-"
"A bit?! My whole life i've had these things coming after me and I didn't understand why. I thought I was insane and seeing things, but apparently that's normal?! And my dad? The reason he's neglected me my whole life was because he was a god?! There's just no way"
"Hey, it's gonna be ok. I know how you feel. I felt like that when I first got here. All my life my dad wasn't someone I had thought about much because I had my mom, and thats all I needed. Then I find out that he's now the most important thing in my life? I had so many emotions, but if you just give this place a chance? I promise everything gets a lot less scary"
This seem to get to the girl. She started to tear up.
"Ok, i'll try." she whispered
"I'll show you around and it'll all be ok, I promise."
The two made their way around camp, Y/N was mostly silent. "The sun is so warm here, it's not like that where I'm from"
"Everything is a little bit stronger here."
"I can tell" she smiled
"So, do you have any idea who your dad might be?" Percy asked, careful not to poke at the sensitive subject.
"I think but I'm not sure. My mom used to talk about Apollo, a way she never did about other Gods"
"Ok then...then we have to find a way for him to see you! If he see's you, he'll claim you!"
"Yeah but how?"
"Gods dont claim you because they feel like it, you have to work for it" Annabeth said, inviting herself to the conversation.
"Y/N this is Annabeth, daughter of Athena"
"Hey" Y/n said
"Percy have you taken her to the archery field? Apollo kids thrive there"
"No I didn't"
"Seaweed brain c'mon!" Annabeth rolled her eyes, "Lets go" she led the two there and put a bow and arrow in Y/N's hands. The girl had fired it easily and hit the bullseye.
"Beginners luck?" y/n asked
"Go again" Chiron said, but before she could something came flying down at her, she shot it down easily.
"That could've killed us" Percy said, mouth agape, "and you shot it down with ease!" he said
"Look!" One of the campers said
Y/N was becoming engulfed in a bright light and a sun appeared over her head. She was now an official resident of cabin 7
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razberrypuck · 10 months
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EP 101 LIVEBLOG
john design,,,,, sir where are your teeny tiny little glasses
RRRGHFHDG GILLION HUGGED JOHN THIS IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME HE DOESNT INITIATE HUGS EVER THATS HIS BESTIE
"you took that big daddy blast like a champion" gillion I love you
THE WIZARD
chip being so hospitable while the wizard freaks the fuck out
gillion: jayyyyy gilly has an ask! gilly has a question!
jay, deadpan: uh-huh?
lizzie I love you don't run away from this you mfer
queen <3
JAY GONNA RESCUE GRYFFON
chip: can we please just keep him 👉👈
"DONT make me look stupid silly wizard"
returning the silly wizard </3
alph-atross jsjfkehf
"which I didn't think was a bad plan but apparently I'm just a Hater"
CASPIANNNNNNNNN
"we're not letting that bastard go"
"well they're -- Jay said we're letting him go :/"
"I didn't hurt you. don't talk to me like I hurt you, for one" love u chip <3
caspian <3
"jay's the last fucking person I want to talk to right now" okay but you're the one associated with the murder of her sister, regardless of whether or not you did it. you know. one of two family members that cared about jay. the only reason she left featherbrooke to begin with. not really your jurisdiction liz.
"okay, FUCK you, 'it's none of my business.' like it or not, we're family. bound by that goddamn hole in the sea. talk to me like a person, or you're on your own" CHIP I LOVE YOU
"okay, then yell it at me. say it however you gotta say it-- make me understand why you're acting like this"
"it's me, talk to me." CHIP
oh im so emotional over them
"I'd rather just move forward and use my power to set it all right. because words do nothing but fill fucking dead air"
"no. but I might as well have." LIZZIE YOURE KILLING ME
lizzie: I don't wanna fucking do this right now. I don't wanna do it with you. I don't wanna do it with jay.
chip: tough shit. cause jay heard what she heard, and she's coming. if you talk about this with me, now...
lizzie: you'll, what, mediate?
chip: I can help her understand. but to do that I have to understand.
chip taking nothing but W's today
JSJFJSH HE WANTS THIS PIN SO BAD
DREYYYYYY
kira <3
"friends should not be on different sides" kira 👀?
"you're the last person I wanna fight ever. I'm coming over in peace. also with wizard" jdjdhfh
"I drop him. I don't want him"
WHY IS THE WIZARD SHAGGY NOW JSJFJDJHGUSO
casual conversation on a navy war ship
"kira, I'm...gonna trust you." "that would be nice"
"NAURRR D: WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???" KIRA YOURE WONDERFUL
KIRA DO YOU THINK GILL LOOKS LIKE A BASTARD LMAO?????
kira being so concerned about jay going to the black sea that she's not even asking why she's a pirate anymore :((((
jayson? taking responsibility for letting the riptide pirates go? and taking off work bc his wife is sick? you're still the worst but this is a slight improvement
"kuba kenta" "the tiger man?" kira <3
RAFT IS THE BEYOND SECTION NOOOOOOOO
KIRA AND JAY I LOVE BOTH OF YOU
jay's so,,,,,, she cares about kira so much dude im losing my mind shes so important to me
"but if I could stop you from going, I really, really would, jay"
GILLION ON HIS GOOFY SHIT
GAVE EARL 20/20 VISION AND THE FIRST THING HE SAYS IS "GOD YOURE UGLY" JAHCJSJFH EARL YOU ARE WONDERFUL
oh lizzie :[
shay :[[[[
oh shit she was picked up by shadowbeard
"he was meaner than rose. strict. but over the years he softened." "but he still saved me. but he still raised me."
SHE MET CASPIAN IN SHADOWBEARD'S CREW,,,,,,,,,
did jayson kill shadowbeard. was he responsible for shadowbeard and bellamy's (ollie's brother) deaths.
THEY MET BC THE NAVY STARTED PUTTING TARGETS ON PIRATES THEY WERE RIVALS,,,,,,,
"she wasn't just some regular soldier, she was different"
AND THEY FELL IN LOVE. AND THEY FELL IN LOVE AND THEY FELL IN LOVE
SHE BROUGHT AVA TO SHADOWBEARD'S SECRET HIDEOUT AND THEY WERE INVADED BY RAFT OH NO
SHE KILLED SHADOWBEARD
"and I begged her not to. he was like my father, as stupid as it sounds." "it's not stupid." FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT HURTS
THE SOLDIERS LET HER GET CAUGHT IN THE CROSSFIRE???
CASPIAN SAVED LIZZIE MY GODDDD
and raft blamed the survivors.
she was about to kill shadowbeard and the soldiers open fired to get it over with.
"I didn't know you had a soft spot for anybody. I wish I could've seen that more." FUCK OFF CHIP YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY
ohhh lizzie :[[[[[
chip I LOVE you chip
"if you wanna do something, you can buy me some time" "aye aye, captain"
"ALSO ollie is shadowbeard's son, I just wanted to throw that out there-" JSJFJEJFHWUDUH CHIP
USING THE LUXBRIS PEARL SHARD TO FIND THE FUCKING PIN JSJJFFHEG GILLION
HE DIDNT WANNA CALL THE GODDESS WHEN HE WAS DYING BUT THIS IS THE TIME HE CALLS HER
HES CALLING THE SUN GODDESS THATS SO INTERESTING
"sort of?" THANKS SUN GODDESS LOVE U
IS THERE ANOTHER CHOSEN ONE
"not really" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GIRL IS GILLION BOTH CHOSEN ONES? IS THERE NO CHOSEN ONE AFTER ALL? IS THE OTHER ONE OUT OF THE PICTURE?
"I think my will to try to do it from the inside died along with my sister" JAYYYYYYYYYY
"well...as long as you're the one controlling the chaos" "I'll be doing my best" IN LOVE WITH BOTH OF YOU
gryffon supremacy
MARSHALL JOHN HAS THE PIN
CHIP YOU BASTARD JDHFJDJF
" 'okay' I step of the ship and go home" JSJFJDNGGFH
"ARE YOU MY MOMMY TOO, SUN"
CHIPS JUST FUCKING WITH HIM
OHHHH GILLION
charlie: I open it up. what does it say?
bizly: "mommy loves you, too"
charlie: I hold it so fucking close to- I hold it so close my chest, I hold it so close to my chest-
grizzly: this is the saddest thing to happen this episode
gillion, in tears: you don't know how long I've waited to hear those words
"for the first time a parent has ever told me that they loved me" "oh damn bruh"
"just like a paladin to give the glory to a god"
anyway gillion has two moms now <3
"I don't think we'll be able to distract her, she's smart, she'll know what's going on- it just seems like a cruel trick." :[[[[[[[
NOOO GILLION OH MY GOD :[[[[[[[[[[ "no, that makes sense, why would she? why would she?" FUCK OFF
gillion and caspian <3
JDHFJDBVCJ CASPIAN IMMEDIATELY TELLING JAY WHERE LIZZIE IS
understandable jay
gillion fully trusting/being on jay's side is something that can be so important to me.
" 'trust her, chip. [to jay] aim for the hinges.' and I cast guidance"
ANIMATIC POG???????
OHHH MY GOD. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.
JSHFJDJJE BIZLY AND CHARLIE BACKING OUT OF FRAME
"nobody died."
"that could've gone worse"
"...has anyone seen my pin" JOHN I LOVE YOU
AND THATS WHERE IT ENDS. god that was a good episode.
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chrispychrisalis · 25 days
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i cried
Today, I had a mental breakdown. When I was exercising, I suddenly went on an impassioned rant about how I could never do the things I want because I am in no position of privilege to take my time to graduate nor extend the number of semesters I stay in school for.
I can’t be in that position, so why bother changing where I am right now?
I don’t like the feeling of knowing that I’m not ok.
When I was 8, it was the first time I had a suicidal thought. I remeber asking God if I died that my remaining 72 years of life would be transferred to other people. I was such a little philanthropist.I never did die, considering how I’m still here, but the deep feeling of sadness has never stopped haunting me.
When I was 17, I experienced my first panic attack on the toilet bowl. I cried, hiccuped, felt like I was unable to breathe. The reason? After my family had gotten COVID it was up to me and my sister to buy dinner for everyone. We had been doing this for days, until one day as we bought KFC my mom got mad about some drink changes and it made both of us so miserable the only way I was able to let it all out was cry on the toilet bowl. I do that a lot.
Today, after my pent up feelings of not being able to live my life as per my wishes were released, my family came home from dinner. I dont know what happened but suddenly my mom got all mad about us not minding our own businesses and how we keep trying to fix her hoarding behaviour, and suddenly our sibling chill time at the dining table ended in a few minutes. I stared at the alcohol in her hands and wondered if it was the alcohol’s fault, but as I recalled the story of Bojack, I realised that substances dont make people do things, its just a scapegoat.
My sister chose to left the table, while my brother tried to use humor to comfort her. Me? I sat under my study table and cried my little heart out until I realised I was way to loud and went to bathe so I could continue sitting on a stool and cry.
If I let my mom know I cried because of her as I did in the past, it will turn from her saying sorry to her getting angry because its not like she can do anything to fix it so how about I just stop crying? If my brother sees me crying he will call me emotional. I cant cry because I was not directly impacted. According to their logic, the spillover effects from what they do should not hurt me, but yet with every argument and every sibling gathering at home getting broken up, I feel so lonely. 
Sometimes I feel that because I dont self harm, nor do I actually attempt to kill myself, I dont have depression. But maybe I do, and I've just been avoiding that sense of emptiness and sadness that I cant just seem to shake off. I feel like im unfixable and mentally broken. Why am I only 20 and so sad all the time? If i can be this sad when Im young, where does that leave me for the rest of my future? How do I move forward? What is my future even?
Who am I?
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so-much-nonsense · 2 months
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because this is life
yest i wanted to kms and today im sitting on my bed struggling to study without getting distracted. this is so funny to me. yest nothing in the whole world mattered. yest i couldnt care less about all this but, today, here i am, giving it so much importance. are we all just lil creatures. if yes why did i have to suffer so much. i dont want to live anymore. it stopped feeling like im living, for myself. i cant exactly tell when. bc few days back i was so happy and thoughtful about amount of emotions i can go through. yest night something just snapped and i sobbed uncontrollably in silence as i laid in my bed covered in sheets in the dark. what are friends and family in these moments? yest i wanted to die and no one were there for me. not even one person i could think of that i could call for some safety net. or even just to talk. my "friends" seem to be busy with their own fucking lives, lives im not a part of. "family" i cant call and worry. "people whod listen to me" i refuse to open upto. what has my life become today. before yesterday my life was so rich. after today if you ask me ill tell you it still is but ill be lying. i should stop opening these apps and checking my messages again and again. fucking not one person is gonna text me or even reply to me. its not vulnerability i am scared of, its misunderstandings. we as smol humans seem to have a lot of these every single day and they ruin lives. ig this is life now. crying in secret. lonely. questioning everything. but ik ill not feel a thing in this blog a time from now. if i still do itd really be the worst life. there is nothing to say anymore. my mind blank but suffering, lost in chaos. sometimes i think i just write all these things because i like writing. but a little later in life i thank myself for having closure. it is so bad that i feel isolated from everyone. i feel like i cannot to talk to anyone. i feel like everyone is going ahead with their life but me. dying is not an option. so idk. also annoying how much importance i can give to people and never get it back. i have never been this person but i think im slowly changing into this person. do i stop caring? idts. bc i think everyone is sad, at least a little bit. so if im there for them in even one of those moments im happy to be. hence i dont find a reason to shut off people. regardless of what they might to(unless theyre horrible things) they are also learning and i would be happy to be there for them. i want to be there for people all the time. i dont understand this urge. maybe because there never was or is anyone for me.
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the art of realising things
so much has happened today and i cried and cried and cried because I'm so overwhelmed....................that im hurting and that im hurting people................
i dont know how it came up, but me and my 2 sisters had a "round-table talk" about life and we agreed that my little sister has problems- ISSUES so she needed to seek HELP. she has severe moodswings and she can be mean and ruthless, so we always have to be on our toes. i told her i was willing to pay for her first few sessions so she doesnt "ruin" herself bc shes just so young. she realises that and she said she can cope but the one who needs it most is, me. i was like me??????? why? i knew that I'm a chronic complainer, I'm insecure and ugly af and i have commitment issues and I'm a people pleaser plus communication n victim complex probs but arent we all..
they told me i had anger management issues. i know that. but i didn't know how severe. they told me it affects them pretty badly. not only them but my parents. i had no idea that it was big a deal. i know, i know i hurt them alot but i honestly thought they got over it quickly and just shrugged it off; it's just one of those days that I'm cranky. what made me cry (maybe it's bc I'm on my first day of period too) was that my dad voiced his concerns to my sister that i needed therapy. this was a conversation between them... my mom, on a separate occasion said to my sister that i needed help.
I'm not like this to others, i swear. people always tell me I'm nice. but I'm so mean to my family because only they can accept me as i am, no matter how much of an asshole i am or can be. so i do those things. so hearing them say that made me heartbroken not for myself, but for them. I'm so mean to them for why? why do i do the things i do?? why do i hurt people i love? they said they are terrified of me. honest to god i thought being angry is/was normal. i feel so bad and sorry for them, how dare i let my feelings hurt others just bc I'm hurting even though its not their fault entirely? how long have they quietly endured?? I'm a monster
other than being on my first day of uterus blood bath, i saw terence . the first boy i truly ever fell in love with 10 years ago, but it feels so fresh in my mind because he was the last guy i was truly involved with emotionally. he was with his friend when i walked in and i came to have dinner with my work bestie. i wanted to say hi, but he avoided me. This was always our problem from the beginning. when we stopped talking one person would want to open up, and the other would shut off, whether its me or him. Our relationship was always like that, and continues to be like that. On the way home, i felt a pang of emptiness. But i hope hes doing well wherever he is. If our paths align again, then i hope we’d be on the same page and say hi to eachother like good old friends.
Then i said theres this tinder guy (see: lee) whom i had my first tinder phone call with and i mentioned he set the bar for me for other potential tinder guys. Seriously i was delusioned to think he had everything, handsome, an intellectual (scholarship hello??), good family background, a lawyer with excellent pay, AND TALL (oh the height just sealed the deal. knock some sense into me but god 178cm is so fucking attractive) and he could just be so inviting, alluring and knows how to say the right things. How can a man be so perfect? His flaw was just hes horny so .
I put this guy on a pedestal. I really thought besides the need to get laid, i thought he was genuine. He seemed like the person who wanted a emotional (and physical) connection with just one person! Anyway, i told my girlfriend whom introduced me to tinder about him. So there was this talk of her wanting to get revenge for me. And i said sure! If you ever come across him and match then do so.
And it happened today guys mid table talk with my sisters ........ i was so crushed. Bas texted me and said “hi important update” and what do you know, they matched. Not surprising cuz shes beautiful and men fall for her. Lee would be so blind not to see that. But what made me want to vomit was their texts she sent to me. I only saw a gist of it, i couldnt bring myself to read it. my mood shifted like my whole vision of an ideal guy crumbled before my eyes. I was devastated, and angry at how bas texted him and how he texted her but like what right do i have?? But she knew i liked this guy alot. I felt like puking. Everything he said to me was what hes saying to her. I felt stupid dumb and deceived. “Im soooooo independent !!!!!”, i cry to myself. but what the fuck am i feeling rn. This is pathetic loser behaviour not bad bitch behaviour. I am so lost. I cant believe i stooped so low for men!!!! Wtfffff huwaina wakeupp
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twin-wishing-stars · 4 months
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Okay, before i go. Weird thing about lumine (perhaps ganyu)
Ganyu doesnt really feel jealous of others taking up xiao's time or attention (besides venti, i'd say) bc to her, lmao, theyre all human. Eventually, if she waits long enough, theyll be dead anyway. I think she worries more about men than women, bc xiao is more drawn to men, bc of their dad/god/thing (rex lapis/zhongli),
and bc venti is 1. A man,
2. Kind of immortal, and
3. A fucking archon,
and FOUR the BITCH WHO GAVE XIAO HIS VISION LMFAO
he LITERALLY, BY DEFAULT, has theoretically infinitely more sway over xiao (in ganyus eyes, which are clouded by idiot goat thots) , despite ganyu and xiao having an extensive (yet sort of hot and cold at times) past relationship just. Growing up (vaguely) together, and fighting in a war together. Xiao has a lot of complicated emotions towards her, both positive and negative, and at times, she feels the same with him.
It's far from ideal but like, ganyu HOPES and PRAYS that he comes thru and will just. Let her be gentle with him and let himself relax just enough for her to do so. They care IMMENSELY for one another, like, xiao is an idiot and will be incredibly emotionally distant and ganyu will just stare at him like the most touch starved kicked half drowned puppy and act like he'll just Know that she needs a hug, when hes just. Stupid.
But if ganyu were to come into some sort of danger or if xiao were to suddenly take a turn for the worse, they would 7000000% go absolute grape ape bat shit balls to the walls to rescue each other, easily at their own expense. They just. Cannot fucking communicate properly and im holding a gun to their fucking head as we speak.
Conclusion: ganyu, despite having 2% faith in her efforts to win xiao over into a mutually romantic relationship that would eventually turn domestic, does not really get defensive or aggressive towards others in his life that he could bond with.
Shes also a miserable sad sack of shit whod be like "weh well if hes happier with someone else" while yanfei and madame ping beat her senseless with the "are you kidding me you are the only one he gives a shit about" yaoi paddle
Lumine, on the other hand.
I usually dont see childe paired with many people, its (thankfully L M F A O) mostly with lumine. Ocassionally ill see kaeya and im like. Okay, okay the fags, we see them, okay, and ill see him with aether which doesnt even register if im honest, but ;
Ive seen him with diluc before and been like. Huh yeah uh i cant see this working out for more than the 45 minutes it would take for diluc to nearly kill himself beating the shit out of tart. It was an obviously fatui based contrived ship and i just sorta scrolled past.
But i saw them in a romantic setting in some art today and lumine got FURIOUS. i THINK? she sees diluc as a threat? Which is hilarious bc i have jean over here like "uh, actually, hes a threat in the sense hes going to try and kill ur weird fucked up little rat man, im LITERALLY holding him back by the coat lest he get loose and do so"
Like, im used to ganyu having a very soft and quiet rage over xiao and venti, but lumines was like. A burst of white hot "get the FUCK away from him; thats MINE" kinda shit and im like YO BITCH SIT DOWN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
I dont mind scara and tart stuff bc scaras my local feral rabbit walk in and he ONLY EXISTS for doctor kink/trauma & tartaglia so like, okay, but lumine has been getting a little. Chompy at the bit with the visual of them. Shes VIOLENTLY possessive.
Now when it comes to lumine and xiao, ganyu doesnt react. But lumine does. It makes lumine happy and relaxed, it makes her a little wistful and warm. The issue is like, mentally; to me, any xiao, regardless, would never be in a polyamorous relationship (knowingly), esp not with another man.
(The only exception is the whole, ganyu xiao zhongli triad shit but thats cuz theyre family LMFAO - Im also p sure hes fine with keqing and ganyu bc like. He just sees keqing as a "close friend" bc female adepti will just. Casually fuck, so hes like. Huh alright. Go ahead i guess)
So is that like. My lumine has a fucking BUNCH of other lives in teyvat? Like, shes happy to see her with diluc too (jean doesnt lose her shit thank god) but not with alhaitham for example - shes like neutral/uninterested in that. Like, the timeline in which shes with tartaglia CANNOT equal the timeline she was with xiao (if that was even a thing).
Its just. Its odd. Lumine doesnt react to any of the other kintypes being with their lovers, and weirdly more; they dont mind when they see HER interact with their lovers.
I just....she is SO SO fiercely protective of tart and i think if i see zhongchi shit she'll flip her shit again, ala ganyu @ xiaoven bc the whole "thats a semi immortal godbeing, like me, thats a threat," even tho ive been Pretty Neutral to it before? But art of her, tart, AND zhongli together is 462949% okay. She likes it even, desires it maybe.
I think its the idea of tart being exclusively with someone who isnt her OR being with a woman. I think shed fuckin explode if she saw him with another woman (besides ganyu or mona probably LMFAO)
Anyway jesus christ this is a lot lmfao but i wanted to discuss how odd it is when shes fronting and how it changes my Literal Physical Emotional Reactions To Images Of Tartaglia
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lolatalks1 · 4 months
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wed, dec 6 2023
back again! im a little embarrassed over the fact i trauma dumped at the lunch table today- i mean i didnt want to ruin melanie, ithzel, and alexia's day. but, it just kinda spilled out. lately the aggravation towards my mom's choices just is so overwhelming that i just need to let every single feeling out. i guess i should be grateful i have friends i trust enough to talk about my problems. but their reactions are consoling for me but at the same time make me a little bit- uncomfortable? not in the way their reaction was what i didnt like- its more so that i felt vulnerable to say so much and they actually listened to me.
ive come to realize that my own outlook on my emotions feel like im being dramatic- but im not entirely sure if thats really true. i guess it stemmed from my mom forcing myself to stop crying when i got emotional and at times referred me to being dramatic. but thats something i dont really want to think about now. more so, i feel fucking shitty.
to just start off the unraveling with not only my family, but with my friends- it all went down in avid. i dont like the way i worded that, sounds way too exaggerative and cinematic of my high school girl problems- but whatever. the thing was that me, mad, and mela found out that alexia was in the avid room office during seventh period- which was odd since her class wasnt avid. asking her, we learned fragments about some problems with alexia's mom and school schedule- which in response made mad try to enter the avid office. ms b stopped her, but we were all more than worried for alexia. outside of that- the three of us were talking but suddenly mad went quiet- and i suppose it was ignorant of me to not question what happened. i thought at first it was something familial or with her ex, i really wasnt sure. melanie went quiet too because mad did- and im not good with these situations so i silenced as well. it was heavily awkward- no one spoke up. but ms b called me over, and amusingly to me she asked if i was friends with alexia. of course, i said yes, so ms b gave me the key to the office and let me in the room. ive never seen alexia cry, but today i did. more like i saw the after math of her crying. her eyes were red rimmed, and her cheeks were flushed rosy. oddly enough i thought she looked pretty- not in the way i found her sadness attractive- more so the color of pink on her cheeks. anyways- i wasnt sure on how to console her because alexia is relatively quiet about personal matters- but i managed to make her smile and get her mind off of things with some random topics. i kind of want to know who she really wanted to console her- i mean i dont think she'd want me as her first choice of friend to be there for her. im honestly not sure if she values me as much as i value her in all truth. but thats besides the point. when i left the office because the bell rang, i saw madelyn and mela walking out. then, when catching up with them i finally noticed mad was crying. my heart dropped even more and at that moment i felt even more distraught for my friends. she didnt reveal anything about why she was crying, nor give hint, which i then looked at melanie and automatically knew she knew what happened- which then i pieced together whatever happened with madelyn was during my time with alexia in the office. i felt a little confused, and when i feel something like that i get angry. i guess its a trait i picked up from my mom- i need to work on that. anyways, i was upset because i was left in the dark and nobody was telling me anything- so i didnt know what to do. finally, when me and melanie were heading to history she was repeatedly telling me to not tell madelyn that she told me because mad wanted to tell me personally- but melanie saw i wanted to know. so with a few exchange of words i learned the problem.
madelyn felt left out, again.
i dont understand how to balance friendships, always losing somebody at the cost of another. but fuck, i thought i was doing well at being everyones friend. last year i was leaving melanie out because i didnt know her, but now its madelyn? i truly don't know what the fuck to do. i get lost in the moments of just talking that i dont realize who i leave out the conversation- and now apparently it was madelyn. she told me a few weeks back she felt outcasted when with melanie and me, so i tried to include her more. im guessing i reverted back. i keep thinking and thinking and thinking what happened in avid to set her off- but i truly dont know. i feel like an asshole, a total fake friend. and it's killing me. words of my moms degradation and my own self deprecation was bleeding into my endless searching to find a reason why. was i the problem?
i dont mean to be all selfish in these situations, truly. im not trying to be the main star or whatever of everything. but its the only reason i could find to explain madelyn's situation. mad and melanie were best friends, hell i considered them a package deal with how much i associated the two of them together. madelyn and melanie, melanie and madelyn. i saw no other way. this year i started to talk more with melanie, so we grew closer! i was happy i was finally able to bond with madelyns best friend, because now i didnt feel as though i avoided melanie when with madelyn, but i see now at the cost of bonding with melanie, i lost madelyn.
maybe the saying trios never work is true.
ive come to the conclusion the only way to fix us is to make it how it used to be. i revert back to alexia and ithzel, and i stop intruding on a best friendship. i dont want to ruin what they have, and i dont want to make someone feel outcasted everytime i worm my way into conversations. i cant find middle ground, and i dont want madelyn to cry again because of us. it makes me sick to my stomach, overwhelmed like a bunch of bugs digging into my skin and veins, infecting my way of already depleting mind. i want everyone to be happy. so im going to stop walking with them to class, melanie and madelyn i mean- so they can rebond with each other. ill talk more with ithzel and alexia, and then during avid ill leave them be unless they invite me. in history, then ill talk to melanie, and camryn more like how we were today. ill text madelyn after school and try to find when we can have alone time. like how it used to be. madelyn and melanie, melanie and madelyn. theres no layla in the midst of that. i have alexia and ithzel..? overall, i need to talk to madelyn.
wow, i sound really fucking stupid! feeling like im overthinking everything, but i guess thats just how i live my life in a way.
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izzysdiary003 · 4 months
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Drove really well to tesco today! Proud that i can drive after a 9 week break from it. Headache all the time (even iller now i’ve stopped doing stuff and am home?). L still thinks liking dan and phil is embarassing and posted about it. I think that is more embarassing for her. I feel bad for people who are too worried about what’s cringe to enjoy themselves. With exceptions (kkg) i am so reluctant to shit on stuff which used to make me so excited…. I love the past me that loved stuff like mcr so much. Passion is one of the greatest things a person can have.
However i am still desperate to be as cool/interesting/perceived as her. Obsession and jealousy lingers. She posts about her notes app, i look through my own to see what is post-worthy. I feel the need to read and do cool stuff solely when i see others do it. This is bad!
I cannot let the rot set in this holiday! I am gna read and sleep early tn, get up earlier tomorrow and do things. Start couch to 5k, eat nice food, start my greek and latin. I could even find a new spot to do it.
I should really get in touch with people too. People are all we’ve got.
I love that i’m rewatching the hunger games with my family. Catching fire last night. This resurgence is the best thing to happen this year in pop culture…
I love those corecore videos where someone smashes a plate and then there are these vague liminal videos that reaffirm life as interesting and emotional and fast paced. I think right now is a very limited way to live - at home in a small town, dark at 4pm, tired and ill. I need a richer internal world for sure or i’ll get devastatingly bored not running through fields or living under city lights.
I got a video talking about the bad side effects of anorexia today. Hair loss. Always cold. Loss of bowel control. How awful that all is. Yes i want to be a little skinnier but do i really? Its so not something i can let myself romanticise. I see girls w a little meat on their bones and i think they’re so gorgeous. That could be me.
I really need to learn to eat healthy ish and exercise but not be consumed with guilt. I definitely gain a feeling of control from calorie checking stuff. This is okay for now but could be bad. Let’s work on it! If i gained weight, would that really be so terrible? Would people value me less? I fucking hope not and i know they wouldn’t. I want to be strong.
I dont know why i care about L so much in the way that i measure up my life to hers to assume my successes and failures. Who fucking cares if she is skinnier than me. It’s not a competition! Imagine if she knew that i even thought about that…
My friends tell me that i am funny and interesting. It’s true. I need to get that into my head and work on my self confidence so severely. Low self esteem is legit at the core of every problem i have.
Not liking yourself is stressful (what did i say? Did i embarrass myself? I’ve made them hate me forever!). It’s lonely. It’s time-consuming (what do i eat next? And next? And next?). It makes you a narcissist!
I also need to stop watching porn. Bad habit which will only get worse! It’s when i admit these things that i realise this diary must be just for me. I feel like im writing with an audience in mind until i say unglamorous stuff like this. But u do what u gotta do for the God of Self-Improvement.
I’ll say this to myself. I love you! You have got this! You are worthy! You are trying!
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zerohourdiary · 4 months
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2 years, part 2
10-25-23
I needed more from you today, again. You acted like it was any other day, again. Ignoring what its the anniversary of and that I might need more tlc. I'm sure its hard for you too so I get it, but still.
You told me I deserve to feel like myself. Be myself. But being myself with you just pushes you away or makes you shutdown. I haven't changed. I've been consistent. My needs have been consistent. You said you wanted to meet my needs emotionally, psychologically, and sexually. Definitely havent with the last one in a while. And the other two? Its hard to say you have when my biggest emotional and psychological need as gone unmet for almost two years. You say you hope I dont wish I didn't exist again. But Gaby, its going that way. Im apathetic in such an intense way. I see my family as little as possible and avoid being seen anywhere as much as possible. I can't keep going like this. Something needs to change.
You haven't met me in the middle. You've receded further and further back. I have cut back so much. Which maybe is hard to see since it comes out a lot still. But I cut back on the kinky things then pretty much completely cut it out. Cut down on frequency and intensity. And been mindful to be affectionate. Which really just means not being discouraged when you dont send hearts or say I love you or anything first. I always want to say those things but when you do them less for whatever reason I start pulling back to match. But I've worked on not doing that. Talking about the future in more certain terms. Trying to do what you say you need. And yet you still pull back. I'm not doing anything just so you'll be sexual in return, but thats a way to connect and not having it isnt good, especially combined with you seeming far less into me. You feel distant. And the less sexual I am, you get even less sexual. Starting videos after you're dressed or ending them before you undress. Or send a 3 minute video that has 3 seconds of boobs while you're moving and immediately hiding. You're hiding from me. And not reciprocating. And I know being sexual is hard but so long without being desired is hard for me too. This long stretch of it not being reciprocated has warn me down. Its hard to be turned down over and over and over and over again. I feel unwanted and undesired. You are less into me than you use to be. Less devoted. I can't deal with this luke warm love. I love you.
I haven't been doing well. Hard year. Things are hard. This period of time in the year is hard. I look to connect with you sexually because I need that kind of distraction through it. I know its been hard to be sexual for you for the last long while and being sick doesn't help. I appreciate you trying. I really do. I feel bad because I think you only do because I want you to and I think maybe you're afraid not to. I don't want that. I think your video made it obvious to me that you really don't want to. And it sucks because I need you to want to. Our needs are at odds. I feel unwanted and stuck. And it makes me go down bad rabbit holes of how things were there and how I dont have answers and it just snowballs. I need the answers. I don't know, I feel like I had more in my head but its rattled off. Not sleeping well and that doesnt help.
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inner-solstice · 5 months
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I don’t know how I feel anymore. I don’t think I know how to.
I’m heartbroken over so many things. I’m heartbroken over how my father did this to my family and I. I’m heartbroken over him thinking so so poorly of me when I’ve tried so hard to be perfect all of these years. Im heartbroken that the person I thought I’d spend forever with, left me for some child. It’s not her fault. She deserves happiness. I’m heartbroken that I still feel strong emotions for someone that really should just be my best friend instead of my lover. I’m heartbroken that I don’t have a connection with my family. I’m heartbroken that I truly do not know myself and have really been suffering from an identity crises for many many years now, making reality difficult, making me feel insane.
I haven’t gotten over the first divorce, or who I thought was my best friend, moving away. Losing my childhood home. Regretting that I didn’t see my sister in the hospital when she was dying because I was too fucking weak and selfish to see her like that. I regret spending my time with someone who hurt me instead of not being there with my mom and my sisters going through the first divorce. And here I am doing it again. I can’t help it. I dont know why I won’t allow myself to stop and feel the pain, truly truly process and cry. Maybe I spent so long with the alcohol and numbing myself with drugs that now I am permanently numb inside. Maybe I’ve put myself in so many painful situations that nothing can be anymore painful than the last 8 years.
I don’t have any source of path or purpose. I have zero interest in anything.
I force myself to try and do new things. It’s seriously painful to try.
I feel crazy inside…the panic is worse…I can’t afford meds
I am in debt from my surgery but lost my job working at our family office because of what my dad has done to us. I am not allowed to get a job right now. Everything is so unstable and uncomfortable.
My bed isn’t my bed, this home isn’t my home. I haven’t had a true home in..what, 2 years? It’s my fault. I have so many fears of living on my own. Everyone I talk to about it just says they are all excuses. I will not listen to people shutting my feelings down like that.
Like it even matters anyways. I seriously do not know where to go from here. Im going to be 26 in December. As a kid, as a teen, I thought I’d be dead by this time. I never ever thought I’d make it this far in life.
I can’t get out of this depression. Im traumatized of what my dad did. I cried the day it happened but after processing it a little…I feel so fucked up inside.
I left my friends place today and tried to listen to sad songs to get myself to cry and scream and just let it out. It ALMOST worked. I live close to her and I wasn’t about to sit in my car and cry with the possibility of my family catching me so I didn’t cry.
I have to lie to M a lot about what really gets said behind closed doors. I’m afraid of losing her. It’s so difficult for me to explain how a person who left me a lot when I struggled feels the closest to stability to me. Maybe it’s because we always come back to each other, I don’t know.
I’ve put myself through hell trying to not lose her.
I’ll be honest, I was totally ready to off myself before she called.
I need her right now, more than ever with all of this going on.
I know at some point I’m going to have to be okay with being on my own and relearning how to do things on my own, how to find myself and cope and find interest…just overall be a person.
My mother and Ashley railed me about so many things. Some things I told M about, but not the other things that triggered me into a panic attack.
Ashley had to shove salt on my tongue because I was passing out from hyperventilating. It’s getting bad again.
I find it incredibly hard to sleep, oh god and I know what no sleep does to the mind body and soul.
It’s like when I was 9 all over again. I’ll shut my eyes and see the trauma happening all over again. I’ll wake up so many times. After a while it starts to hurt my head and I have to get up just to go cry and try to calm myself down. It’s been hard man…
I take baths and showers to ease my anxiety. I haven’t taken a bath in a couple weeks but I do find myself taking 3-4 showers in a span of 3 hours some nights when I’m home.
I’m terrified. I do not know what’s to come. I can’t believe this is my life.
I do think I want to end it all….but that pain will manifest itself into something more intolerable than what I’m going through and distribute itself into my friends and family. I don’t want to do that. They’ve been through enough. Another part of me wants to just pack all of my stuff up and disappear.
I genuinely thought up the process of disappearing.
Anyways, it’s always been kind of hard for me to connect with my family. To relate to them. I feel so different than them. Ashley and delanie are so much like my mom. Strong willed and share such a close bond. I feel like I’m more like my father…someone who doesn’t know boundaries and can be so super selfish. I isolate when it gets bad so that doesn’t help. When delanie broke up with her boyfriend, all my mom and Ashley could say to me is “don’t say this Tayler, don’t say that”
Like I know I’m not stupid. I know how to fucking act, but it’s the fact that they think I’m some type of way. Ashley told me that she sometimes is afraid to go to sleep because she’s worried she will find me dead the next morning..is it trauma?
Delanie has always been traumatized from my history with my father and I. It’s kind of all she grew up with. She grew up during me struggling as a teen. I can’t blame her for feeling some deep rooted childhood way towards me. I get it.
However, I never expected that from my mom or ash
And it seems so recent where they have been treating me like that. Like I’m some…black sheep.
Now that my dad is gone, it’s like they need to find someone else to blame or talk crap about or confront or whatever the hell that was a couple nights ago when I had my panic attack. Shit alll over me and my decisions and my friends. Like what the hell.
I get concern is a factor but making me feel bad in every single way possible didn’t do me any good. It made me feel so much worse. I completely shut down.
I ate my last meal for a while…I crave sleep so badly. I don’t know how I’m going to be when my grandma and my uncle come down for thanksgiving.
I usually am the outgoing one that everyone loves talking to. My grandma always said I was the favorite. It’s not like delanie and Ashley talk to the family anyways .
It will be weird now that I’m shut down. It will be weird knowing I will have absolutely nothing to talk about with them after what has happened with my father.
I feel so useless and lifeless. I’m trying to cry rn. I’m listening to sad music while writing this out and I feel it in my throat a little bit but nope..not there yet…
I feel like I want to be alone but I also feel like I need someone with me. At least be there when I wake up from my nightmares. I don’t know if that’s me being codependent or not…I don’t know if it’s a bad thing for me to need someone when I wake up from that fucking repetitive trauma nightmare. Ah jeez..I feel the tears coming now haha….
I don’t really use primary social media anymore, except maybe to have a window to reality. Ironic considering…it really isn’t but shit it’s better than this.
It’s making me so angry that I can’t cry.
I swear it’s like someone could tell me anything to try to hurt me and I would feel absolutely nothing. I’ve been through true true hell for so many years. I have to learn to tell myself it’s okay to admit I’ve been through heal and pain that is unfathomable.
Even where I was…everyone in there immediately told me and my mom that it was easy to see how we have been through hell and we are so strong. That confirmed a lot for me. I’m sure so many people must’ve been sobbing their eyes out. All I wanted to do was comfort my mom. I couldn’t cry.
I told myself that maybe me being alone would help me cry, I’m now thinking maybe I just need someone to hug me, and I mean like REALLY hug or hold me so I can finally let go and I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing my face, including myself when I cry.
I haven’t slept all night. Amazing. Tomorrow is my moms birthday. I haven’t drank but I have got to stay away from alcohol
Drew is in Italy right now. He will be back soon and he offered for me to stay with him, Trace, and Blake at his parents place for a couple days so they can help me get away. Always love my three musketeers. Never fail to make me laugh and actually enjoy life for a brief moment. They’ve been there for me for god…almost 14 years. They are probably the closest thing to an adult male who hasn’t disappointed me or try to hurt me. I don’t think I’ve ever actually known a true adult man who isn’t toxic as fuck.
That pain in my throat has went away now….fucking cry already asshole.
Maybe I just need everyone in my life to all hug me at once and and that will make me cry. My mom, Ashley, delanie, my grandma, Mexi, Tylo, Drew, trace, Blake, Bri. All the people I know for sure care about me. Just one giant hug so I can cry.
Ahhh and there it is…just imagining that made me shed a tear. Just one though. I’m trying to cry more but I’m so scared of feeling pain. My walls keep going up. I’ve got this… just fucking feel tayler…
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chlorinejello · 5 months
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An email I won’t send to my english teacher:
i remember when you told me it was okay to vent in you mail. you have no idea how much i need this right now; i also remeber you said you wouldnt read it so if you do, please dont tell me you did.
how do we deal with emotions when were too ashamed to share them? i have a willing support system yes i keep choosing to stay quiet over talking about everything thats on my mind. i don't want to be an inconvenience, i don't want too be extra. because the truth is i feel like shit but maybe this is something everyone deals with and im being a pussy. then im just being pathetic in front of people for no reason, yknow? sounds crude but thats the way i feel. i had a dream last night i was staying at a beach house i went to with my family when i was little, everyone was there and my dad let my dog out through the front door. I yelled at him to let her back in becuase shed get lost, and he replied "We have to let her go." Then she just walked away; at the moment it made sense to me, so i walked back inside. Then I caught a sort of conciousness, I realized she was here, she wasnt real but she was here and I ran out after her. I ran as hard as i could, as hard as i knew she wouldve ran at the first chance to have a free space and i caught up to her by the shore. Some of my aunts were already there, they said something about me going after her "...again, like always."
She ran into the water with me trailing right behind her, i woke up before i got to the deep end. Nothing is the same when you lose a love that pure, that close to home. I lost her and I feel like I have no home; I come back to a house, and a bed that isn’t my own. My bed is always covered in fluffy white dog hair, especially the top left pillow where she sleeps. This bed smells clean, no trace of you anymore. Ive broken down twice today and made my poor boyfriend late to work because he knew i didnt want to be alone. He usually takes me to school, and this morning my mom left extra early, so i was home alone at the time. Worst part? Couldnt get the words out. I planned out how id vent and feel better but its the same everytime, im blocked off by the thought of my feelings being an inconvenience, or not important enough to vent and take someone elses time and energy because of. Im tired of carrying all this pain and guilt with me everywhere i go.
i run as fast as i can from my mind but i just keep running into myself, all the ways i fail myself and others, then have the gaul to sit and cry about it, to feel bad instead of becoming better. I feel and havent done enough for the ones around me to share my pain. But between you and me; yo extraño a mi cosita demasiado y pienso en ella todos los dias. Tengo miedo que sea debil, miedo de decir como me siento y que nadie entienda, que quede como inventora. Siento que para sentirme como me siento me debio haber pasado algo horrible, porque algo no puede acabar de abrir la puerta para que todo lo que tengo adentro salga? o algo horrible tal vez no me ayude, tal vez solo se añada al vaso de lagrimas que tengo en mi corazon. Porque mi dolor me ahoga si no creo que sea tan profundo para volverme loca? Porque si no siento que merezco llorar, sufro tanto? Si lo entendiera, cambiaría ? Dime si estoy perdiendo mi tiempo buscando una respuesta en vano, para si no me sirve, perder el tiempo dibujando en vez de.
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bluemoon-glen · 8 months
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Today has been like..the ultimate shit show.
Work is too stressful because i think I did an audit incorrectly last year or just used the wrong dates essentially and this year I am discovering through the same audit that we may not have been doing things the way things are supposed to do...? and I'm taking it personally like as if I created this mess.
A couple of people have been extremely rude to me at work and this one person keeps ignoring me and just CC's my coworker (who is like..a level above me? but he's not my boss) and constantly refuses to answer me and just says stuff to HIM like I don't fucking exist.
And I've only ever talked to them 4 times in the 7 years I've been at this company so idk what the fuck their deal is.
My sister telling my parents I lost weight and now I'm not losing weight so I'm stressing myself over that.
My sister then called to tell me today that there's an issue with my dad's car registrator and my car is technically his bc he bought it using his information. I need to change it to me and where I live but I don't have the title even though he supposedly gave it to me. The pink slips he keeps talking about that I thought I had- well teh pink slips were pink but they were just financial information shit. But i think i did lose it, idk. And I'm trying to figure out how to get titles passed on, idk shit about cars in general let alone all this DMV shit paperwork shit. I'm getting stressed bc I also have a meeting in 8 minutes and I'm just trying to get help from her because I really have no idea what to do, what paperwork to do, what fees are involved, etc. She's like get that form and do this, and I'm like WHAT IS THE FORM? And then she got frustrated with me because I'm panicking and I kept telling her I'm also worried about the fees bc I remember looking it up one time and it was like 7% of the original car value, and I don't have that kind of money and she was just being extremely snide and said in this rude tone, "If I could pay for it with my salary back then, you can do it at yours. You should have this kind of money." when she knows full well I'm in FUCKING DEBT. But I know she's had a problem with me making more than her since 3 years ago (and she said this to me too bc she felt like she should make more bc she's teh big sister) so that fucking pissed me off even more.
Like I'm really grateful that my dad one day just showed up and said here's a car. I really am. I wouldn't truly be where I am without him. But they always act like they taught me stuff about cars, and registration, and etc. And they act like how stupid I am when I'm like Idk i was supposed to do that (ex: emission testing and getting the sticker for your car from the tag office).
And idk i felt like it was just everything going on and this shit coming in along with work shit piling up, and I've been feeling extra stressed about my life that I literally started crying 8 min before my meeting and that was fucking embarrassing. I really can't stand my family anymore. My sister always misconstrues what I'm saying and I can literally put on a positive tone voice and she'll say why are you having an attitude.
Maybe it is me. And if it is, I'm fucking tired. My sister already thinks my mental health is a fucking excuse. She was a little empathetic about it in the beginning and then she just got tired of it and is always, "i understand, BUT you can go outside and exercise"
i'm fucking tired of her bullshit
im tired of work bullshit
im tired of my parents bullshit
I just wish like things would just end. Literally. Just I need to not exist. i dont have the mental and emotional capacity to deal with all this bullshit. It seems so stupid but everything feels so fucking overwhelming and burdensome in my mind like i'm about to just cave in. all these passive aggressive attitude and words and looks from my family just always chips away at me and i always think there's nothing more to chip away but they always find some.
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black-rosewolf66 · 10 months
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Hello its one of my shitty life posts again dont mind it scroll past it^^
So the last time i posted one of my problems about being weird and too reactive during a play time…well i wanted to give it a try again and i put my worries away and asked for it…i never asked for anything…i just dont like to ask for anything because i grow up having it rejected anyway…but as i was asking it i knew from his respons that he will invite her too…i kinda minded it,i just knew she and i are going to have an argument at some point i knew from the way she looked at me the way she talked as if i wasnt there in our first meeting too…but i didnt say a word i thought that maybe i can show her that she misundertood me…and i wanted her to acknowledge me…
As always im still mentally shit…but at least i try to be better…
So i arrive at the house they are there speaking and drinking…when we get a call there children is in danger so the father of the child rushes out never answering her questions about what is the problem whats happening the door closes and there we are the two passionate stubborn woman sitting near the table im on the floor she sits on the chair…i begin thinking well today is as fucked up as it can be i started to get nervous so i tried to make an advance so we can speak and maybe we can know eachother more…she than procieds to tell me in the most offensive way in a trembling angry voice that she isnt consenting to the play that would had happen tonight…i was a little bit shocked she was a careing mother you could see that she may have been upset and a little bit tipsy from the alcohol and the thing with hher children so i remain calm as usually…i look at her and i give her a smile that its okay i can understand that…then she tells me she never had clients who where like this mentally unstable and basically a child with no life experiences…and here i am she doesnt notice but im hurt and now angry…she just stepped on one of the things that i hate being said to me…that im a child a basically had no life up until this moment…like yeah sure you may not know my past but nobody has it easy trust me…you dont have the right to assume that im acting the way i act because its the usual children wants attention drama and things like that bullshit….i had to grow up early i basically wasnt a child i was never i couldnt be…and you say i just grow up because i turned legally 19 and you assume that every 19 year old is the same because they never faced the challenges is life…well fuck i may not had my school and yet..but i did pay my checks i cleaned my house i cooked i was the one worrying for my family for our financial status i was the one thinking from night to night how i can fix this shit family how i can make my father undestand that he has to have more oppinion because he isnt a doll to get dragged around he was like a bomb ready to be exploided i had to teach my mother that it isnt okay to use everyone as a punch bag for her stress she had to manage her anger she had to be stopped…i was the one calming my brother that everything will be fine if they stay stong and hope for the better future that they have to move if i cant fix it i was the on shouldering this huge mess and im the one getting out of the child age and into the huge life? Like yeah thanks i had to take jobs at a young age i had to make everything okay and i could never let anyone discover that we have this huge ass shit behind the courtains of the perfect family image that we created…yeah thank you fucking much for saying that my pain doesnt matter because that just how teenagers feels at this age…im so fucking gratefull….so after she told me that i cracked a laugh as always to surpress these nasty emotions..bad habit but it can and it did save my life several times…and told her i already know it she doesnt have to tell me i just dont have the manual to read from how can i change this..how can i change the things/the habits of growing up in a survival mode… and she tells me that yeah there is no manual because every person is different but as you grow up you have to change and it will be stupid to blame everything on my parents if i cant change it,because it will only be my laziness that i still couldnt change even though i was an adult and i cant blame my behaviour and my mindset on my parents my whole life… yeah here we can see the tipical answer we can predict…she doesnt know why im confused well its should be easy to change right? You just have to relax…you never know how?you just have to learn,its easy…from where? Well you are an adult so you should know?….khm i just wasted my time trying to explane my self to her and it went on and on i had a looot of mean sayings played in my head but i never sayed them…i was thinking why should i…she doesnt want to know it…she never asked it she just strayed up judged me…from the moment we met…
I will continue it on the next post…
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queenrussia · 1 year
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3/20
Well here’s the first thing on my mind. I want to text you to vent about it but you're probably busy at work. When you first start medical school you have a white coat ceremony where they give you a white coat and you say the ceremony and usually the dean puts to coat on you. It’s kind of like a right of passage or whatever its called. So it most likely will be on the same day as jackie and morgan’s wedding. Before even thinking about how everyone would act on the day, the biggest thing that sucks is that I tend to not put myself first when it comes to big things. I love celebrating people and their birthdays and achievements and all of that. That is a core part of me. But when it comes to me I don’t really have somebody like that in my life, so I have always been fine with not being celebrated. This happened with my graduation too. No-one was overly excited and pushing to go during COVID, plus if I went to the ceremony the year after then maybe everyone would be able to go. Anyways... Not having a graduation ceremony for either of my degrees has gone to the back of my head. But now that I most likely wont have my sister and brother and sasha at my ceremony will suck. Especially sasha, even though she may not remember it. In the big scheme of things it doesn't matter too much bc no-one is hurt no-one is dying. But it hits a very emotional note with me about me being consistently alone throughout my journey and not feeling supported. 
So in terms of predicting how everyone would act, i know mama and papa would go to my ceremony in a heart beat over the wedding. I know andrew would choose the wedding because hes the best man, its his brother. Then sister would want to be at my ceremony but because she is a bridesmaid, sasha is the flower girl, and she wouldn't leave andrew and sasha like that, she would choose the wedding over me. I hate that its a game of choosing who over who. I know teresa would go to the wedding. grandma maybe wouldn't even come because its a long trip and then having to stay through the wedding stuff.... 
Not how i hoped it would be but itll be fine... Just another way fate is having a laugh at me :) I know my parents will be there and that’s all that matters I guess. 
On a separate note, this is what my therapist meant by emotional flooding, I found out, freaked out, and then went down the thoughts that were increasingly emotional. I also tried breathing during it to calm down and cried in the bathroom at work for a little bit but I still feel like shit about it. Also sister was passive agressibe when I told her, and then told me im being passive.... Wild life lol. Whatever it is, ill still become a doctor and i celebrate myself enough so anything that happens in addition to what i do alone is a perk :) I constantly catch myself on these thoughts of the fantasy of what i wish my life was rather than what it is. Wanting a mother figure, wanting support or for people to celebrate me too. It all comes from the fact that I received none of that as a child. Like I dont think my family ever came to a single competition in highschool, or to my plays as a kid. Only to pick me up.... In elementary school, there was even a time when everyone forgot to coordinate who is picking me up from school so I sat there for two hours alone hoping somebody would come take me to daycare since noone watched me at home either. Its all ok, just a culmination of a emotionally neglectful mother, a busy father, and a way older sister. I dont blame them at all. Im just stuck on the fantasy that even though i had a the people in my life physically, emotionally I didnt have any of them. 
For instance, today I was super excited and showed my mom my eyelashes that I tinted myself and was proud. She was like oh be careful not to ruin your eyes with it, be careful not to do this and that. I told her mom I showed you not to be judged or taught something, I clearly came to you excited literally just looking for a compliment. But instead, I got critiques. I told her calmly mama I want you to say something nice and not beat me down. Then she threw a fit saying that I dont love her and that nothing she does is ever enough. When all I did was ask for love... I think that having this type of relationship with my mom is so detrimental on my other relationships, because I cant distance myself from her, so whenever someone else does the same thing to me, gaslight, be emotionally unavailable and not intelligent, I tolerate it. Just like I tolerate my mothers neglect and abuse. Its harsh words, but its the truth. Like I said I dont hate her for it. I just am stuck in the fantasy life that I wish one day my life would be normal and my mom would love me and be capable of being emotionally intelligent. Instead, even when she calls me her version of a cute nickname, its always the translation of sausage, dumbass, and so on. I get that its the way she was neglected as a child and the way she will be towards her child, but it hurts... 
The one and only thing I will ever take from all of this pain is that I will try my hardest to never be like her when it comes to my children. I will listen to them, teach them emotional intelligence, and be understanding that they are a different person than me and will learn how to best make them feel loved.  I also want to be able to stop tolerating shit from people just because Ive been conditioned my whole life to tolerate it through my relationship with my mother. Being at burning man with papa really helped me deal with this too and im grateful. He helped me understand why their relationship is like this, and how he deals with her. But i wish i didn’t have to endure their relationship pitfalls as a kid bc that definitely affected me. 
Anyways to conclude this all, life goes on ill be fine. I have myself and I am proud of myself :) I really enjoyed seeing you and enjoy how you are with me. Im trying not to get too reliant on it just yet but i want you to be here for all of this and i know you are such a good human being too. ugh my fingers are crossed and im ready to work on us. 
Kisses Nastya... 
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ocean-anchored · 1 year
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Dear future self... Oct 5, 22
I’ve been sitting here for 20 minutes, scrolling on my phone avoiding writing. I’ve avoided writing for a few weeks, maybe avoiding isn’t the right word but I keep thinking about how I should write and then I dont. My mind just goes blank, yet leading up to it I think of the 100 things I want to say until I sit infront of my screen wondering what on earth to say. I still dont know. The last three weeks I’ve felt more emotional than I have in years, to a point where I’m starting to feel like I can’t control my emotions. So much so that last week I actually considering if I should be going back on anxiety medication to even myself out because I just don’t feel like I’m living in my own life. I’m not even on my period, dont get me wrong man I can be a hormonal mess when the time comes but I’m not and yet last friday I couldn’t keep myself from crying. Sunday I cried talking to my mom and tonight I’ve held back tears and my mind has been r-u-n-n-i-n-g. Maybe it’s just the season. I have so much trauma that goes so damn deep this time of year that maybe my anxiety just goes off the charts leading up to this holiday that I just can’t control myself. This is why I keep leaning towards believing I need to just spend this weekend alone. I just honestly can’t remember the last birthday that I was happy or that something didn’t fuck it up, it’s almost like it actually is cursed. Assuming my dad has probably cursed me 100 times on this day.  Last year started okay, I actually thought that maybe I would have an ok year up until I dropped Grayson flat on his face at 4 months old and they had to spend yet another night in the hospital to make sure he was okay. The year before that my marriage was on rocks and my sister joked about wanting to end her life, it was a lot of forcing happiness that day I remember. The year before I recall only a few of the girl friends last minute planning a breakfast to celebrate which I recall being so awkward because it felt so fake. Travis never made anytime stand out and every birthday before my relationship was absolute shit especially my 18th.  Maybe I really do just have way to high of expectations that people want to celebrate me. I mean yes my family, whatever the fuck is left of it wants to but god love my mom I think she knows how much I hate my birthday that she tries too hard and it just feels forced.  I miss my brother so damn much it’s not even funny. I dont expect a message, as I told my mom if anything Amanda will text me on their behalf sending a very lame, light hearted message about how she hopes I have a good day & maybe wishes we were on talking terms but that would be a surprise in itself if she even texts. Honestly I think all I genuinely want for my birthday is for Steven to talk to me, to reconcile our relationship. It absolutely breaks me. He’s been my best friend for my whole life, I recall more good memories of my birthday with him than anyone in my life. He always made a point to spend time with me and make it special somehow, always planned something that he knew would make me happy. That’s literally all I want. I dont want to spend it with anyone, it’s just a constant reminder of how broken my family is and how little I feel important in anyones life because 90% of people over the years aren’t in my life anymore and what for? It’s cute that my mom tells me how great of a friend I am and that anyone would be lucky to have me as a friend but how is it that I’ve been trying so hard to make friends for the last two years and I’m still here today with no girl friends.  Idk. If you ask me on the right day I’ll tell you im happy, because I am for the most part. I’ve come a really long way from a year, two, even four years ago and yah I’m proud of how far I’ve come and what I’ve gone through but I know it’s okay to feel sad and sometimes I just need to feel that. I think I’ve been such a positive thinker, not really allowing myself to dwell in anything negative for a majority of this year which is great but can be unrealistic. Although I can say I am in some cases the most happiest I’ve been in a very long time, there’s still things I wish I could change and that I’m not happy about. That’s life. Can’t always have it all. Because sometimes it really is better to expect the worst or not have any expectations, so you don’t get disappointed.  I guess this hasn’t really been much of an update rather than just an emotional jumble mess.  I guess to recap my life where things are at right now so I can look back on this one day.. -I’m living off 17th with my soon to be old boss’ two sons whom are good friends of mine. That actually going a lot better than I thought. I mean I didn’t think it would be bad, I was a bit nervous about living with Dillon and his peer pressure and not being clean but it’s been good so far. Saying that being only 2 months in so maybe ask me in another 5 months haha. -I’m still not divorced yet. That’s fun. That was a fun story to re-live again tonight. He, being Richardt, asked me if it bothers me to talk about it, which it doesnt but i think I realize the more I talk about it A the more I feel like it was in a different lifetime and B that I see so many mistakes and how I sometimes I wish I didn’t have that relationship or get married but I guess it taught me more things than I ever imagined. But it’s frustrating how long the process takes, I really do wish I could have just gotten the divorce done but damn rules and thinking people want to get back together within a year, certainly not the case. Still dealing with Vivint and the continual repercussions of Travis royally fucking me over and ruining my credit. It’s funny that Rich made a comment about telling me that I should sue him. If only I had the resources but it’s taken so much of my brain power that it’s just not worth it, even if it’s hurting me 15 months later.  -Yes I mentioned Richardt, I’m dating someone. Weird. Weird to be called a girlfriend again. I speak pretty highly of him but it’s also quite fresh and once again, trying really hard not to get my expectations too high or my excitement because who knows. He makes multiple comments that he wants to spend forever but there’s times I still struggle because he had been alone for so long that he’s so okay with it and I get that it takes a lot to get back into the swing of things and make room for someone else in your life that takes up so much space but man, tonight I realized how dumb I am. I mean I love our deep talks, we talked a lot about my relationship with Trav and he shared some of his fears about comfort and not getting too comfy in one place because things can change, but I also felt way too vulnerable tonight. Here I’ve been debating the last few weeks how much I should really share about my feelings and how I feel a little too deeply and now I regret saying what I did tonight. Idk, I mean maybe I had a very small expectation or hope that he would have said something back of the similar sort but idk, I guess I’ll just say I’d rather not re-live that moment over again.  -I’m changing careers again. I’ve been in construction and restoration my whole life, yes administration but I’ve been with Danny for nearly 5 years, less 10 months of course. For a long time I thought that I would be there for life or at least for a very very long time. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to work for Ed. Given that I for years and years always wanted to work for him, it’s crazy that the time is here. I remember hoping months back that he would have full time work for me and here I am quitting and starting something totally different, with a lot of responsibility and room for error. It’s terrifying. I’m really scared honestly. I have had so much anxiety lately, more than I’ve had in a couple years but I really am hoping and praying that this is going to change my life for the better and really take me in a completely different direction that I could have never imagined. I was feeling stagnant with Danny. I felt like I hit a ceiling of pay unless I would go to school for something or change positions completely, I felt like there wasn’t really more I could do, take on or achieve. Not to toot my horn but I do two job positions and I have given my heart but it just, it was time. Im excited but I’m scared shitless. I guess well see what my life update is in the future to how I’m doing but I think it’s cool that I can look back on this one day and remember the transition and feelings of how I have no idea what I’m doing but Ed believes in me so let’s giver. -Have I mentioned I’m still not talking to my brother? Yea. Been the longest time I’ve ever gone. I mean on the flip side, meliss and I keep getting closer than I ever imagined we could which is a real blessing. But I miss spending time with my mom. I used to see her 2-3 times a week and now I’m lucky if I even see her once a week. Life gets too busy I really hate it. As much as I’m complaining and sad in a majority of this update, I am very appreciative and blessed to have the people I do in my life. I wont take that for granted. Always remembering how far I’ve come. I can’t remember what it was but as we were walking out the door today and Richardt brought up a topic I laughed and said haha there’s a lot more of where that trauma came from and I think it just reminded me of really how much I’ve gone through at only 28 years old.  Oh my dad’s still not in jail yet so that’s a shame. Maybe one day. He really is a piece of shit.  Anyways, my brain hurts and I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of emotion out tonight even though I didn’t give as much of an update as I would have liked to.  Until next time.
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