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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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Submissions from 🦚🌺

So took me a while to scroll through to my last tagged ask (for some reason searching didn’t work). So much about staying consistent and actually tagging my stuff from now on. Gosh uff. The one where sibling found possible drugs and the one about mom being xenophobic almost causing shut down as in passing out were me too. I usually either tend to forget to tag or I guess am kinda scared since I feel I send in A LOT? I really don’t know. It’s just a lot going on and I feel bad always (1🦚🌺)

I feel bad always throwing all my stuff at my friends. Especially as one friend a few years ago was diagnosed with depression. Idk what her current situation is tho except that she seems to do better. I won’t ask her since I feel weird about that stuff. Plus really unless she wants to tell me it’s none if my business. But yeah that’s that I guess. Now… I’ve been rejected from the art college/highschool unfortunately so that’s out the window. My therapist suggests volunteer year 2🦚🌺

Whivh we have a social and economic one of I think? Idk. I know social won’t work because of my likelyhood of social anxiety which kinda self explanatory I guess. Economic I’m just scared I wont be able to pull the whole tear through, scared to do stuff wrong etc. Hell I spent 2 low sleep nights crying after the rejection and mom forced the answer out of me when I clearly didn’t want to talk about it. Turned into an argument about how I got forced into abitur/regular highschool 3🦚🌺

And OBVIOUSLY she blames dad for it. Which like… great whatever he told her. My point is HE was more supportive in front of ME than she was. She just tore me down 2 years ago. Next week I dont have a therapist appointment since she will be moving. So I’m praying this week will go by smoothly. Well as smooth as it can go with all the arguments around here I guess. I’m still trying to process everything since March 4🦚🌺

1? 2? I’ve lost track of time … weeks ago she and her bf fought very badly and she essentially ran away for an hour, he claimed he is leaving but then stayed. My younger sisters were all crying, my brothers were just not surprised and I had to try call family members (which calling others is a physical challenge for me) trying to find a way to deal with what happened. My therapist knows about this incident. She now also knows moms bf smokes weed but not about what 5🦚🌺

else we found. I’ll see if I can bring it up soonish since it still worries me… my brother also later confirmed again he caught them snorting it so yeah most likely we are right about it being cocaine. I feel uncomfortable looking up the effects of it but my cousin said that could explain a lot of moms behavior. Shes always been this way I think.I right now dont even remember where I was going with this ask chain hhhh frick.I’m loosing track of myself once again please send help 6🦚🌺

(Have to switch to browser because app again refuses to let me send stuff wtf) My mom also is back onto “oh you just have split personality!” … I have informed myself on DID and OSDD, I have symptoms yes. But I doubt it’s that. In fact my therapist even talks about that stuff with me! I have different parts but mom doesn’t know they exist so idk. I tried to literally tell her how DID is made and she didn’t want to listen. She claims she did almost everything right and I’m making up 7🦚🌺

My trauma. So you would think that she would stay away from assuming such a trauma heavy diagnosis. Welp she actually doesn’t know anything about mental health either way and legit took my brother off his adhd meds years ago because “they changed him too much” and then refused to take him to appointments when we noticed signs of tourette in him because she felt like she fucked up as parent?? Wat?? I can’t make sense of this woman anymore tbh 8🦚🌺

Sorry that this is all over the place, it’s 1am for me rn, I cant sleep really, still am trying to process I won’t see my friend who I was looking forward to seeing this year for 2-3 years and who would have been a temporary escape from this hellhole until at least another year or 2 depending on the situation, being in the top 10 corona countries and in fact second most infected state in germany and really just switching between sliding down to a kid and /or almost passing out 9(?)🦚🌺

almost passing out when trauma responses shut me down and I just can not describe my emotions of the past months other than I just want someone to hug me and to feel safe and to feel like this mess at home and the world isn’t happening. My mind is all over the place and I feel like at this point I’m going insane and I’m not making any sense anymore. Again sorry for the probably stupid rant/,vent that probably made no damn sense idek anymore - final🦚🌺

So much about what I sent in yesterday hoping for the best. 3 hours ago I woke up to a message chain about how we (me and my siblings. We are 6 in total) apparently abuse her and use her. And basically just complaining about the tiniest things regarding chores. For example yesterday I completely cleaned the kitchen and she complained because some dishes stood around since people still ate AFTER I did the chores. Like tf. My friends say it seemed like from the screenshots that she is 1🦚🌺

using us as tools? Idek anymore. She also completely ignored me sending her and asking her stuff about the valounteer year last night since the school rejected me and I need that alternative. Apparently a clean flat is more important than my literal future. On the other hand I for once had a normal conversation with my almost 15yo brother (I’m almost 19, however not mentally and also not in the position to move still especially with the virus and all) and it turned out that he shares 2🦚🌺

Moms views on therapy whivh I’ve mentioned in the past aren’t really the best views on it. So yeah that’s just great. He basically just thinks it’s stupid. Either way. Currently my only way of possibly getting away would be a psychiatric /mental hospital stay. THING IS while I’m bety aware it isnt like in the movies I am deadly afraid of the thought. Not having my freedom to come and go when I please, not being able to meet up with friends or something etc. I would not feel safe and 3🦚🌺

it would just expose me to a lot of stress and anxiety which wouldn’t be any better than being yelled at constantly at home and having mom shit talk my friends. Everything is just kinda a mess with her rn and my siblings don’t see it from my perspective. Like YES we mess up and don’t do things right. She has a reason to be mad. But NO she doesn’t have the tight to essentially abuse us and no her behavior isnt parenting this is manipulation. 4🦚🌺

They only see the first half and think she’s in the right… I myself struggle to differentiate right and wrong and am unable to read situations well, which is why it took me 17-18 years and my friends calling it out to realise this is wrong. But I at least listen… they don’t. I sometimes just wish I grew up in a stable functioning family. Or honestly that she never even had me since she was VERY young when she had me so that’s probably why she never learned how to 5(?)🦚🌺

Act properly towards us. As she had me when she was just my age (18) and then the following 8 years had 4 more of my 5 siblings. I feel she never had time to grow up and learn herself especially considering she was abused herself…. final🦚🌺

Hi 🦚🌺,

It's good to hear from you again! There's absolutely nothing wrong with messaging us often, so feel free to tag all of your asks that you send in! I think that will actually make it easier on both of us, as you'll be able to find responses easier and I can look back on your previous asks easier to make sure I'm not missing anything or repeating myself :) Also, the search function on tumblr is quite picky, so unfortunately it can be hard to find posts. I've run into the same issue with locating old asks on the blog as well!

It's understandable that you don't want to bug your friends with your problems, especially if they have some mental health struggles of their own. However, it might help to think of it this way: mental illness is so common that chances are most people you meet will have some sort of struggle with their mental health, which means you wouldn't be able to talk to anyone about your struggles if you don't want to bother someone who struggles with their mental health. That doesn't seem fair to you! While everyone needs to have boundaries, especially to protect their health, I think it's reasonable to share things with your friends when you're struggling. You deserve that support, especially with everything else you have going on in your life!

It must have been devastating to not get into art school and I'm so sorry that happened! It does sound like volunteering could be a potential route for you to go down, even if it's just until you figure out what you want to do in the future. It makes sense that certain volunteer options can be rolled out based on the nature of the work and the things you struggle with. Perhaps there is something you could do from home that wouldn't trigger your anxiety. For instance, I volunteer for a text-based suicide hotline, which I do from home. I'm not saying you have to do something exactly like this, but it might spark an idea that you or your therapist maybe haven't thought of yet. It's just something to think about.

What's going on with the drugs in your house is definitely concerning and I think it would be a good idea to bring that up with your therapist. It's really dangerous to have these kinds of drugs around with younger kids being there. Not only is it possible for kids to accidentally get into it and harm themselves, but it's also dangerous for them to be around adults that are high because of their erratic behaviors. This is why I think it would be wise to talk to your therapist about this to see what input she has.

It's great that your therapist has talked to you about your diagnoses as well as what you don't have that your mom has tried to say you have. I'm sure it's frustrating to have your mom make those accusations, but I think it's good that you at least have your therapist there to reassure you that you don't in fact have those diagnoses.

It's so disappointing that your friend won't be able to visit as you guys had planned because I know you were really looking forward to that! Unfortunately, coronavirus seems to ne ruining plans for most people all over the world. Hopefully you guys will be able to come up with another plan for meeting up, though it likely won't be able to happen until the pandemic is more under control. Still, at least making tentative plans for meeting in the future may give you both something to look forward to once travel is finally safe again.

I'm so sorry that your mom treats you and your siblings this way. It does sound like she may use you guys as tools, as your friends put it. This is sometimes another sign of abuse/neglect, which honestly isn't surprising considering all of your mom's other behaviors.

What you mentioned about getting out of the house makes sense and I agree that an inpatient stay might not be the best way to go about it. Not only will that be more restrictive, as you mentioned, but most hospitals won't allow inpatient stays unless the person is incapable of keeping themselves or others safe while receiving outpatient care (though I obviously don't know whether this is the case for you). I still think it's a good idea to keep thinking about potential ways of getting out of your mom's house once you're ready for that. One option I'm wondering about is a group home (I think these may be called something else in other countries but it's basically a house where several adults with varying physical and/or mental illnesses live together and there are usually various types of staff who also stay there). These can sometimes be a bit restrictive, but much less so than a hospital would be. I believe they typically have a curfew, otherwise you're allowed to leave during the day. Although I'm not sure if this would be a viable option for you (and it probably wouldn't be anyway until after the pandemic is more controlled), it's just something that popped into my head when thinking about other ways of eventually getting you away from your mom's abuse.

What you said about your mom's parenting vs. manipulation is 100% accurate. It's very common for someone who was abused by parents to go on to abuse their own children unless they put in the effort to change, but know that you still don't deserve to be abused and manipulated. It's not your fault that your mom was abused and never unlearned the negative behaviors she saw experienced as a child. You and your siblings all deserve so much better than this!

-Samantha

#abuse #abusive parent #drugs #drug use #family #🦚🌺#advice #advice blog #mental health advice #mhasamantha

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profoundgardenertree-blog · 6 years

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Classic Mini Insurance? Help?

Hi, I have a classic austin mini mayfair 998cc and 1989 year. I got quotes before on classic insurance at around 900 from footman james but now they have a new policy where they wont give insurance to anyone under 21. Ive tried all compare the market and other places but the cheapest i can find it for is 1600 fully comp. Can anyone help? ive tried other mini insurers like adrian flux but there around 2500! please help!""

What is the cost of Home Owner's Insurance?

I'm going to be buying a home and would like to know if anyone knows what the approximate cost would be for HO Insurance? I already have Renter's Insurance, and would like to know if the price difference is dramatic or not. The home is 1902squ. feet, 4 bedroom, built in 2006,I am purchasing the home for just under $100,000, it is worth a lot more than that, as its a foreclosure.""

Why are Double-Wides more expensive to Insure for Fire Insurance?

I live 10 miles from the nearest responding Fire Dept and more than a 1000 ft from a hydrant. Some Insurance companies wont insure it while others charge a lot for a premium (2-3 times a stick built home in the city) I thought Manufactured homes were under strict HUD Regulations for Fire resistance, strength, durability, ect.?""

Name 2 aspects of private Med insurance that need improvement?

My top 2 are: The potential to abuse the 'preexisting condition' to deny treatment. and The difficulty in being vested or retaining a policy when changing jobs or temporarily unemployed.

Insurance for my business?

I run a small local business that is a Pet Waste Removal service. My question has to do with insurance. I don't know much about insurance and I'm pretty lost right now. I'm the only employee. I go to someones house and scoop their pets poop. Do i need insurance for this business and if so what kind and why? How about being Bonded? Thanks I appreciate your help..

Insurance will go up for me?

My sister drove my car and was hit from behind. Her insurance is not under my policy. Will this affect my insurance premium? I just had a accident last month also (I hit something on the road which cost $6000 to repair and my insurance covered it without increasing my premium).

Health insurance for full time college student?

I realllyy need to see a doctor about some issues im having with my health, but the onlyproblem is i dont have insurance... Are there any affordable insurance plans i can get??.. im a full time student and i really need it.""

What is the yearly insurance rates for a street bike/rice rocket?

What are life insurance quotes and its advantage?

Car insurance any idea's ? !! :@?

Heyy people Just so anoyed i spent about 800 on driving lessons and test etc.. Now iv passed well about 6 months ago! I would really love a car as i have to get 4 buses a day to college costing about 8pd! I can afford to buy the car the mot and petrol and other little costs apart from the major issue of insurance the cheepest iv found is 1,900 and that was on a 1ltr 02 corsa i simply carnt afford the insurance its so stuipid i am the most cautious carfull driver im a 19 female why are all yound people judged on bad boys with their sportyed up cars that drive like dicks and make the rest of us suffer! Does anyone have any idea's as to how i can find cheep insurance :( ??""

Car Insurance estimate?

I know it's a bit impossible (like asking what's the length of a string) but I am wondering if anyone knows a rough amount , or has experience of how much car insurance would be for a 19 year old - near 20 year old male in the UK. I would be a named driver on one of my parents cars (A vauxhall Corsa 2013), my parents have no points on their license. I would only be using the car when I am back from University so for a maximum of about 3 months a year so not for the full year! I have heard of some people younger than me getting insurance quotes as a named driver for around 700 but I am unsure if this is true. a) Are there any insurance websites where you can calculate an estimate for a Named driver? ( I know ones for the main driver) b) would it be worth to pay it monthly ?... c) any estimates roughly? (an estimate within 200 or so! ) Thank you ! P.S if anybody magically knows of how much it would be for me to be with an insurance company as a named driver yet still gain no claims bonuses (as many named drivers don't get no claims) I'll be extremely grateful!""

What is a fixed indemnity health insurance plan?

i am looking at health insurance and have talked to someone about a fixed indemnity plan. Its all so confusing. Is this a bad risk?

Fend off bullying car insurance suit?

i was involved in a car accident. i was at the wheel and the insurance company that insures the car has placed me at fault. i am not the owner, but claim that i had permission from the owner to use the car and therefore, under california law, should not be liable for the damages. the owner is fully insured. i tried to settle this by paying for the deductable. shortly after i submitted a check to the owner he changed his statement to his insurance company and claimed that he in fact hadnt given me permission to use the vehicle (I have a scanned copy of the check with clearing information from my bank). i am now being threatened by two insurance companies: 1) the insurer of the other party involved (this claim is on me, the owner, and his insurer) & 2) the insurer of the car i was driving. what are my options? how can i attempt to prove that he did give me the necessary explicit or implicit permission to use his automobile?""

Any insurance people out there?

Ok. I know I should have car insurance. But right now I can't afford it. I don't own a house. So what is the worse case scenario for me if I'm in an accident?

Should I switch to a $20/month health insurance plan?

Alright, I have health insurance through my employer and I pay over $100/month. My friend has an individual policy and only pays $20/month. He thinks I should switch to have the same health insurance as him. What's the catch? Should I change health insurance policies?""

Whats a good medical insurance plan?

I am 20 years old in decent health about 6' 5 240 pounds. So here's the deal, I am currently on a plan that has 0% co-pay after deductible this includes emergency room visits, prescriptions, the whole nine yards. However its a high deductible plan so before I can reap the benefits I must first pay 3000 dollars as the deductible so my co-pay until I reach 3000 is 100% all out of pocket I mean this isn't bad just sucks until its over. Does anyone know a better plan out there?""

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Is it illegal to not have car insurance?

and if it's not illegal, what am i getting confused with?! i always thought it was illegal....? my friend is getting his car and he said it's a crappy car so there isn't any need to insure it. ???""

""I need family medical/dental insurance, where do people get this if they are self employed?

We currently have very good insurance through my husband's work. He is in the process of starting his own business and will be leaving his current job soon. I am very concerned about finding affordable insurance they provides good coverage for my family. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Can an insurance company raise your rates even though you've completed 12 hour traffic school?

I understand that a 2nd violation within 18 months appears on your public record. I was told that even though after taking 12 hour traffic school and my violation appearing as a dismissal....insurance companies can still legally raise my rates. Then I see people refer to a CA law that states that even if a violation appears on a public record, if there is a dismissal insurance companies cannot legally raise your rates.""

Why do car insurance companies do credit checks?

I have just renewed my car insurance and made a massive saving from 162 per month to 79 per month. But the first few wouldnt let me pay monthly because of my credit history. Why ...show more

I need help looking for cheap auto insurance HELP?

Ok I live on Connecticut and the cheapest insurance for me is 200$ and that's progressive. I'm 20 years old so I know insurance is going to be high for me regardless. But are there any other small insurance companies who offer the same service just cheaper???? I feel like my insurance is 200$ because of company name and I dont feel like spending so much because of that. PLEASE HELP!!! I'm buying a honda civic 95 dx auto 4dr

High cost of insurance for retirees which is using up pensions.?

I worked 33 yrs at McDonnell Douglas (Boeing) Aircraft Corporation and retired in 1996. I received a fair pension and insurance that I had to pay, which was affordable. What started out to be affordable in 1996 has now reached unaffordable in 2007. My pension is being quickly absorbed by the cost of my insurance, which is now $933 a month for just me. Needless to say my insurance costs outweigh my monthly pension allowance now. I am a cancer survivor since 1992 yet I am unable to choose another insurance provider because I am considered, like many other survivors and patients, high risk and uninsureable. I didn't ask to be dianosed with cancer. In fact, I have always taken care of myself. Why should I/we be discriminated against after 10 or more years of being cancer free.""

Can anybody give me an idea on car insurance?

Im 18 year old and am from the uk i want to buy a mazda 2. i hold a clean uk driving liscience and would like to no if anybody has a rough idea how much per year i will pay for car insurance.

How much should my 19 yr old be paying for liability insurance?

She has had a policy with State Farm for liability which is the requirement in Illinois which was about $68 a month Yesterday they said she now has to pay $130 a month for insurance on a 1995 Toyota Camry. There is no loan on the car, so I told her just to get the basic liability insurance in illinois. Isnt $130 a month high and why do you suppose it all the sudden went up. I told her to call them back and she did. They gave her some spill about a deposit and monthy payments. My name is on the title of the car, neither of us have ever had a wreck. I insure an old truck for about $45 a month. What do you think about her sudden increase in payment from State Farm? I am trying to make her independent, so I have refused to pay her insurance.""

Cheap insurance for 23 year old?

Low Insurance Car For Teen Boy?

I am turning 16 in a couple of months and I need to know what USED vehicles would be best for low insurance. Nothing lower than 1998 and nothing higher than 2007. Please give me some suggestions. NO ugly cars either...

What insurance companies are reliable for expats?

I am looking for some more information on insurance companies that provide services for expats? I am a Dutch national, without a fixed 'home' address, and therefore not entitled to the health and liability insurance that is offered by companies in my home country. As I do like to play it by the rules, I was wondering if anyone knows or has experience with reliable and affordable international insurance firms that provide services such as travel-, health- and liability insurance for expats. Thanx for your suggestions!""

""I payed my Ticket, If I dont go to traffic school how much will my insurance go up?

I got a ticket that was 200$ because i live in california and i didnt see the judge to have him/her bring it down. If i dont go to traffic school how much money a month would my car insurance go up? im 18 years old. (tommorrow is my last day) and it says in the area i live in my final exam must be monitored my somewere else which means i cant do all that in one day. so im hoping i can miss and it only goes up 20$ or something.

Car insurance for someone driving my car? lil bit complicated =)?

My boyfriend drives my car occasionally and my full-coverage insurance will cover him and my car if he were to get in an accident. However, since I am still a student in college I'm on my parents' car insurance (have to pay them back once I graduate =P ) and they say that they don't want anyone who's not on the insurance policy to get in an accident and raise the family's rates, e.g. he's not allowed to drive the car. Understandable, however they won't add him onto our policy even if he pays his share himself. Now it's their prerogative, I'm not questioning that, but is there ANY way to purchase him automobile insurance that get's tapped FIRST in the event of an accident? ...To backtrack a little I've just researched non-owners policies, but they seem to work only after the initial insurance of the car (in my case my family's insurance) get's used up and the non-owner's insurance is used as a last resort; this still raises my family's insurance rates if there was an accident with him as the driver even if he had his own insurance. Does anybody know of any types of insurance that covers him driving my car without raising my parent's rates in the event of an accident? Thank you in advance! =) Oh and please don't say that he shouldn't be driving my car, etc. It's more of a hypothetical question as he rarely does but I'm getting tired of my parents getting on me when things happen, like getting the stomach flu when we're out and about and having him drive home, telling my mom later when im miserable, and her saying i don't care that you had the stomach flu he can't drive your car without his own insurance. Yay. Thanks, Mom.""

Where can I buy health insurance and do you recommend Kaiser?

I need it bad. Could you please provide a link where I can sign up online?

Should I include collision on my car insurance?

I have a 2002 Honda Civic sedan with 99,000+ miles on it. In shopping around for better car insurance (my old policy expires next month), most agents I interacted with included collision for around a $300 annual premium. Some people I told about my insurance shopping said that to carry collision on such an old car is not necessary. I'm seeking an unbiased opinion as to what are the advantages, if any, about including collision, or any other info on what to look for in a good policy. Thanks.""

Cheapest car insurance in toronto?

""Why do the Cons enjoy that insurance premiums are avg. $13,000 per year?""

And expected to get up to $25,000 within ten years? Do they enjoy that average Joe might spend about half of their annual income on insurance? I'm interested to know how either s bankrupt nation or an illness plagued nation is good for the country. ? These statistics are all over the news today""

Is it a bad idea to get your own car insurance at 18?

I wanna get my own car insurance! I wanted to know if it would be a bad idea or a good life lesson! Is it true that car insurance cost more with new cars? Because I want to get a 05 Suzuki Forenza! It's a used car it's only 2,000! Any parents out there please help! I need all the advice I can get before I turn 18!! Thanks!!""

Is there any website I can use to get cheap car insurance?

I've been using Auto Trader insurance comparison and the cheapest I can find is 4,400 ? Yes I'm 18 and I realise it's going to be expensive, but come on ! The cars only 750 ! No way am I paying that much, I will honestly drive without insurance as it's a pure joke to be expected to pay 4,400. I don't believe I should have to pay that much. I only want a car to drive to the Gym and that is honestly all. It's like having to pay 4,400 for the Gym a day !""

Cheap Insurance companies for a Piaggio NRG 50?

I just bought a Piaggio NRG 50 and wondering who is the best company to get insured with and how much will it cost at the least? Thanks!

Medicaid health insurance? for pregnant teen?

I am 17 years old. i recently found out i was pregnant and i am under my moms health insurance. unfortunitly i am currently unemployed and my boyfriend's job isn't that good. with my mom's insurance i have to pay $20 every time i go for an appt. and the bills are kind of high. i need better insurance for me and my baby on the way and someone mentioned medicaid. any idea how to apply? also if anyone has a good insurance for them and their baby i will take any advice!!

Does anyone know what the average insurance rates are for OTR owner operators?

Just a rough estimate....I'm doing some research.

How does the whole process of buying a car work for a teenager?

Okay i am 15 years old and i am trying to figure out now.. What i need to do to be ready to buy my own car in the next few years or when i turn 18. I have many questions.. Because i want my parents to help as little as possible because i will be leaving the house once i am 18 and going to a college that they do not want. So i need to know.. What car? How does the insurance work? How much are payments a month? how do you think i could afford them? Should i start saving now? Should i wait til i move back to california til i buy the car or should i buy it in New York and drive back to California? HELP! PLEASE! or email me and we can talk more about it.

""If I am under my mothers insurance, will it help me in the future when I branch off?""

I am thinking about putting my first car insurance under my mothers name, but in a couple years I want to start paying it on my own. Will the fact that I was under her name help me a little with my rate? Or will it not matter, and the insurance company will treat me as a new driver?""

Would my insurance be high?

There is a 1973 Dodge Charger online I found that needs restoration for $1750. What would I do for insurance and would it be high since I'm only 17?

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https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/what-companies-has-cheap-car-insurance-college-students-cabrera/"

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laholcevita-blog · 6 years

Text

Good Job, today too

Today (18/12/17) one of the idol i grew up with passed away and become one of the stars. I never thought to see this day writing this and completely in synch with the thoughts he had.

This year has been extremely hard for me, getting into Uni in the first place was the start of the whirlwind of my self destruction. It was hard knowing how much potential i had, my passion and thirst for knowledge is being slowed down by no one but myself, like any other beings like it was a creature that lives, my fears and hopelessnew grew. To quote president snow from my favorite trilogy Hunger Games " Hope is the only thing stronger than fear " and i only have the later, because the former vanished along with my beliefs of everything.

It began when i suffered so much through first semester of Uni, when i couldn't handle the fact that i got a C i was shaking, i made my parents disappointed again i killed my parents expectation, at first it was just a simple breakdown, then later it grows next semester i realise i can not go through with the way i am going through, slacking off assignment last minute, coming late, i took full 22 credits that semester and of course i suffered even harder, i got a D in philosophy, no biggie i said as i took my breath completely shaking to the core, mom and dad doesn't have to know, i could retake the course and everything will be dandy again! But it doesn't stop there next semester i got 2 D i was completely shaking even harder because i didn't expect that result at all, couldn't forget that breakdown i had i called uut wanted to get to her home but i abandoned that plan because i don't wanna burden her even more. I realise that day theres something wrong with me, my mood and anxiety was at the worst point ever that year it push me into finding out what was wrong with me. I thought i had bipolar lol and silly me talked about it to one of my psychology major friend, she was right that day dismissing my concern, it wasn't the right diagnosis i would call because one day i found out about adhd and everything just click. In 2014 I've discovered something new about myself, it's a help that knowing it's not entirely my mistake, i met someone on internet, lovely Shannon, she has helped me in a way that no else has. I didn't talk to anyone about it because i knew there's nothing they can do about it, i planned to meet a psychiatrist but i didn't have money back then and i said to myself you can go through this! It helps that i realise that i am not just a quirky girl next door, my carelessness my inability to focus isn't completely my fault and i wasn't in entire control.

In late 2015 and 2016 me and shannon was no longer in contact, fine i can deal it on my own, i got into seventeen and meet the awesome person and lady that Kitty is. I'll explain more about it later, but 2016 was one of the worst year for me, i took care my disorder more as i began to realise everything wrong with me, i was hard on myself, i failed school i failed my parents as they like to point out and at the same time that year I was proud for getting 5 As in seven course i took, but that's the only light it began downright downhill from there, i took time off the internet because it made my mental health even worse and from there i began to talk to kitty more in other platform, always Thankful for knowing her. That year i took my internship program everything was stressful, i finally realise such work environment doesn't suit me, it was also the time i started working on my thesis title, my restlessnese and overwhelming feelings began to come in full force it took me two months to get the first chapter to finalise, i hated myself immensely, everything was awful that finally i seek a psychiatrist help it was pricy but i had some money, i thought i have to help myself this is the answer but of course reality punch me in full force the psychiatrist know nothing about my struggle he understand nothing it made physically broken, no one could help me. I asked for recommendations still i want to try medications i was scared, I didn't wanna depend on stimulant i don't wanna be a junkie, but I've hit rock bottom i thought nothing to lose maybe meds would help me.

It took some time and bravery for me to see another psychiatrist, it was hard, but itvwas even harder when he simply declares i have anxiety disorder i guess it makes sense in a way theres young woman having a breakdown in the hospital, admitting no one can understand them but his diagnosis made me even crazier he prescribed me anxiety meds, clobazam, to which i took in fear because it was also prescribed for ppl with manics, i told my concern with another break down, he didn't take it well of course and still sure about his diagnosis. From there i was just devastated completely and resigning in hopelessness. No one could understand me no one could fucking help me. I took the meds though but i know i don't have anxiety disorder, my anxiety level is off the chart i realise its just not enough to be classified into one.

Few months of procastination overwhelmed me on thesis just made the situation several degree more worse. Everything is all i don't wanna be a liar, a manipulative loser and ultimately someone who's not even worth a living. I lay on bed all day all night feeling like the biggest disappointment and waste of air, my parents couldn't be more wrong. It's difficult for me to even begin explaining the concept to somone who raise and birthed me, it's even more difficult when i tried to open up to my relatives and they didn't take me seriously, it's next to impossible when i just made the professor i look up and admired to, the person who think i had so much potential but i kept letting him down every single time. Reality was so hard that sometimes I'd rather i never woke up from a dream, which i rarely had because it all just blank dark and cold like my life. The tears pouring down were competing with the rain outside.

Kitty who takes no bullshit came as the support system i never knew i have, i met ben too early that year, 2017 is actually the year i took the matters in my own hand because i can not keep be like this. But every step ahead i took equivalent of several step back, my meeting with the old psychiatrist of course went shit but i don't give a fuck anymore, i steal money from my parents, i saved them from my freelance work so i can afford the meeting to begin with. I lied and makes excuses so i can get the time to make an appointment i am a filthy liar

The meds however turn out like nothing I expected, it gave me extreme nausea, it makes me hungry zoned out but I'm still the clutterheaded brain that i am it's like all of my dream of some kind of knight in shining armor vanished, there was never a one quick solution, all it left is one cold reality. It was the fool of me who expect something that is never the truth of life that no one can save me but myself. Even after my silly theatric of another breakdown i had in the cousin house because i have no money to afford another meeting, not even after they broke my trust and told my parents who of course treat me like a fucking freak. Another cousin who fucking belittles me that i was being stupid that all my concerns are faux i don't have energy to argue, none, all my wills are gone by that moment that it became easier to just lie and nod agreeing to all her comments

Each day my parents worries and anger grew into explosion just like my self worth, i began to hurt myself self harming it felt good and scary at the same time when i did, good because i deserve it i'm a fuckin piece of disappointment afterall, scary because deep down i don't want to die but i honest to god wants to end the pain i felt, i began to actively look for a way to end myself with the painless way as possible thats, it just hurt deeply the pain i felt is so intense that if i dont live in the house my parents own maybe i would cry for days its why the day jonghyun suicide news came out i couldn't stop crying i know exactly how he came into that conclusion, and every time i read into everything about it i just broke down, third day and the pain still raw i don't know if i could be at peace with the constant war i have, i know i have my good days i am a positive thinking person by nature i like to think the world would be at its definite beauty someday but when that bad comes it just hard i woke up feeling like there's no purpose in living, someday maybe i would update this blog and be able to write that i am Happy that i won my own war, and when that day comes i have to give myself a pat on my back, good job today too

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