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trashlie · 8 months

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[‼️FP 237 spoilers] with nol's walls all the way up shin's "if you won't let me have you" is our only hope now <///3 tbh i had a strong feeling that nol would be extremely stubborn (after all, it's not just dieter and alyssa/"being like his father" that are preventing him from letting her in; the biggest reason remains yui) so i was actually hoping that shinae would be the initiator, that she'd back him into a corner and really push for it. but i swear to GOD if she shows up with a confession and he hits her with the "your feelings are your responsibility not mine" I WILL FIND A WAY TO TELEPORT INTO THE COMIC AND KILL HIM. LIL BUDDY JOIN ME. NOLAN PREPARE FOR DEATH 😾💥😾💥😾💥 i'm just HOPING that he's all talk and once shin shows up all his resolve crumbles ;; but it's starting to look like he's gonna need the time in jail to clear his head, sit with his feelings, read nessa's letters, and then yujing's article will probably make him see that there is hope, that things can be turned around, and maybe then he'll be willing to make alliances. but god i would HATE for them to part on bad terms i would HATE to see shin getting hurt again <///3 this girl has put up with SO MUCH she has given SO MUCH of herself to him and nothing is coming back she has been going through all stages of heartbreak how much more is she gonna have to endure i just UARGGHHHGHHHH.

-frustrated lil anon 😾

the thing is there is a big flaw in nol's thinking that someone needs to point out to him please. it's understandable that the stronger his feelings are, the closer they get, the more scared he is of what could happen - what yui could do -, and that he wants to prevent a tragedy at all cost. but boyo. guess what. YUI HAS ALREADY TAKEN INTEREST IN SHINAE REGARDLESS SO IT'S TOO LATE. whether you cut shin off or not, she is still in yui's trap!! she's actually *worse* off without you, so might as well join forces!!! GRRRRRR i'm seriously so frustrated. -lil anon 😾

GOD!!!!!!! /GOD/ Listen Lil Anon I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. All the way with the frustration, too, and it's so difficult because YES. I get him. I UNDERSTAND!!!! But HE DOESN'T HAVE THE WHOLE STORY.

I firmly feel like, yes, it is up to Shinae and her pure determination to tackle this, and I'm hoping he is all talk, or rather, I'm banking on the way he crumbles in her presence and how he can't stick to his guns because of her. I need them to sit and have a GOOD, HONEST conversation and I'm really afraid of how possible that is with the pace we're going at ;A; Like afkjalfkjaklfjkaf lemme lmao try to organize my thoughts.

Basically Nol lives with this fear that HE is a terrible mistake, a terrible monster, that he caused his mom's death and is responsible for all the bad things that exist as a result of his existence and caring for anything. Like, I am 300% sure that this mindset was drilled into him when he was institutionalized, that they basically took this child and brainwashed him into believing that his entire existence is a mistake because things would be so much better if he didn't exist.

He lost his mom. His father doesn't seem to love him. He's all alone. He probably said some awful things to his mom, before losing her, so it was easy to convince him that she died because of him, that he's like this poisonous gas that destroys everything it touches. But here's the thing. This is all he knows! He knows Yui is terrible - to him! He knows Rand is cruel - to him! He feels like he's a burden, a mistake. When Nana tells him how worried Rand was, Nol can't believe it, figures it must be because it's yet another mess for him to clean up, or because of his precious heir.

Nol may know that Yui played Alyssa like a puppet, but he very much thinks Alyssa's current situation is the course of her own choices, that she must've wanted to be famous, to impress Yui so much. He doesn't realize that she very much is trapped in this career.

He doesn't know that Yui has manipulated Kousuke for the entirety of his life, that she's drugged even her own son! He thinks everything she does is for his benefit, because she loves him, because she hates Nol the terrible bastard child born to her husband's mistress.

When he sees Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, Nol believes it's because of him. I think that was the moment he remembered what happens when he cares about people, why his relationships were supposed to be fake, why it was supposed to be about him helping others and not himself. The moment he started to care about people and seek relationships for himself, he put them in danger.

Compare this to how he talks about Alyssa, how he never mentions her as one of the people he cares about, how he even brushes off the idea of her visiting him in prison. He doesn't feel responsible for her in the same way he does for Shinae being there.

It's not even that it's about Yui, exactly, but that it's about HIM, and that he cared about her, that because that friendship meant something, because she means something, he put her in danger.

Except, we know better. We've seen this story from an objective standpoint that Nol doesn't possess. Consider this: Nol only knows that Shinae was at the formal against her will, that Yui gave her a job at the company behind Kousuke's back. He doesn't know about Kousuke's birthday.

I need Shinae and Nol to talk because Nol's fears are VALID and I think we can see that Dieter can tell Nol's fears are not unfounded, even though he doesn't know what it is he fears. He just knows that he must, that bad things happen. But, right! Bad things have already happened! And they're going to keep happening! Nol is terrified because he only knows this small part of everything, and that this small point indicates it's because of him. But what happened at Kousuke's apartment wasn't about Nol. Even if Nol feigned losing interest in Shinae it wouldn't matter, because Yui is already invested. At this point it is no longer about Kousuke OR Nol. It's her OWN interest.

Shinae needs to be up front with him - tell him that first off, it's her decision to make, not his, he can't keep choosing to push people away without including them. But more importantly, she needs to tell him about the birthday incident. Tell him what Rand told her, that she'll never be able to escape from Yui's clutches, that she's already invested. Tell him about the offer, that Rand is urging her take it and use it for her benefit.

Nol cannot see beyond his fear because it's all he knows, he has nothing to contradict it or prove otherwise. But I need him to listen to Shinae, because while she probably can't fully change his mind - it's so deeply ingrained in him at this point - I think she can at least show him that her danger doesn't change regardless of whether she's near him or not. That even if he left her now and never looked back, it wouldn't change the hold Yui has on her. The problem is, can logic even combat his inherent believe, this psychologically deep fear he has?

But still, I want her to. I want him to read those letters in the Bible before he goes to jail because frankly I CANNOT TAKE the idea of them parting without resolution, parting with her still feeling like she's being thrown away, him needing to sit in prison pathetically yearning for her to realize how badly he cannot fight this. I need him to crumble in front of her, to realize that he cannot actually deny himself, that he cannot turn away from her ;A; I need him to be HONEST with her! She's already heard him in the alley talking to Lil Buddy, she knows why he pulls away. I want him to straight up tell her how scared he his, so that she can counter him.

Wouldn't it be worse, to leave her in the dark? To leave her behind and pretend that everything will be okay? AUUUUUGGGGHHHHHH

IT'S JUST SO FRUSTRATING BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HIM BUT HE'S WRONG AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE WILL BE TO LISTEN! I DON'T KNOW HOW WILLING HE'LL BE TO ACCEPT THAT SHE'S BETTER OFF WITH HIM THAN WITHOUT.

Like.... at this point I'm really banking on Shinae's pure determination and maybe like... having to actually convince him because I know if she so much as initiates a kiss, he is going to CRUMBLE his brain is going to shut off he is SO touch starved and full of want and SO in love with her that the moment she initiates anything his resolve will melt away and it's OVER IT'S OVER.

But also I need him to read the letters from Nessa and see how badly Nessa wanted to protect Rand, and how he didn't let her. And how it ended up. Because Rand did what Nol is trying to do and it still didn't protect Nessa. Shinae doesn't deserve any of it - not what Yui would put her through but also not what Nol is putting her through. The Yui aspect can't be stopped, but he CAN stop the other so ALKJFALKFLAJFKAFJK ALKFJKLAFKFAJF FRAFLJ GRRRRRRRRR LAKJFKJFJKRJKRJ LIKE /SCREAMS/

I hope he reads the letters and realizes that it isn't something that will just pass. It wasn't for Rand. Even after he lost her, years later he still carried that Bible filled with her letters with her love with her desire to protect him, with the photo of their son. Rand never moved on. Even though he pushed her away and tried to be the responsible man, he never moved on.

Be for fucking real, Nol. You think you can do that? You know you can't do that. Rand never moved on, Nessa never moved on. Does he think Shinae could?

I want her to go in guns blazing. I want her to go in mad, I want them to argue because at least when they argue they're a little bit more honest, they say the things they might not if they were calmer and thought about their responses. I want her jealousy and insecurity to come out when Nol tries to shield himself with "I have a girlfriend" and I want her to remind him he said it was fake and he resents her. I wan her to look him in the eye and ask if he can really throw it all away, if he wouldn't have any regrets if he gave up and left her. I want him to fail to answer and instead tell her that maybe he can, who knows, maybe none of this is really real. And I want her to kiss him and prove to him how very real it is, how very much they both want it, and how very much they need each other.

They can have a heart to heart afterwards ;A; She can tell him about the Kousuke birthday party nightmare fiasco, remind him how Yui manipulated her and took advantage of her desperation, tell her what Rand said, that Yui will never let her go, tell him about Yui's offer. I want her to hold his stupid face and tell him that the only thing denying his feelings and pushing her away can do is hurt her more because regardless, she's trapped. She can't get out of her contract, she still has to face them! I want him to see that even if he can't get around his own paralyzing fear that that doesn't have to be the only option. He can leave. He can disappear. He can go away - as long as he doesn't sever that tie, as long as she still has contact. ;~;

Cos look.... I don't think we, or Shinae, could handle Nol leaving without resolving things. Even if it was a "he leaves and in prison he realizes he was a fool he can't do this he can't leave her like that", can she really handle him doing this? He had his opportunity to leave - twice. He could have left for jail and never stepped foot in her presence ever again, but he still went to her. And after they talked she told him he could leave, that she wanted closure. But he stayed.

He stayed and they talked and they shared moments and she told him all about her most painful straw, about why being thrown away by him hurts so much. He stayed and he almost died and she almost lost him and while the city was asleep they found comfort in their least favorite place together. While everyone slept they flirted and finger danced and danced and he hurt her again and how can he leave after that how can he push her away. He told her that what they did wasn't "just friends" that it was something more and all but told her to come back when she'd figured it out and she has and if he tries to push her away when she finally comes back I will KICK HIS ASS. Because if he does that how can she ever accept him back after? ;A; How can he shatter her heart over and over again and ever come back into her life? ;_________________;

So PLEASE I hope she can convince him, if only by refusing to let go, by convincing him of why he's making a mistake.

;A;

SCREAMS

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #ILY FP #ILY Spoiler #Lil Anon #ILY Anon #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Stalkyoo #Aegi #Shinae Yoo #HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SCREAMS #I'm gonna try and do my 236 thought dump but listen #i was full of soooo much dread and i still kind of am but not as bad anymore and i don't feel AS despairing #still kinda tho cos Nol is SO unpredictable but i just!!!!!#i feel like the Nol/Shinae talk has been hyped up too much to not happen but i'm also afraid of his resolve #i need Shinae to be assertive #i need her to take what she wants instead of letting him lead #i need her to fight back because THIS ISN'T HIS DECISION ALONE #she knows the risks (not really but kinda) and if she chooses him if she chooses to be a team THEN SHUT UP AND LET HER #;A;#I JUST ALFJAFKJJAFJKAFKJAFJKJAF #HOWLS #STOP HURTING HER SHE DOESN'T DESERVE IT #AND STOP HURTING YOURSELF #they NEED to have a heart to heart #he may not be able to talk about what makes him a monster in his eyes but she can at least dispel the 'logic' that it's related to him #that it's that witch and that whatever choices they make it won't change the outcome #that they need to be TOGETHER to get through because they're so much more vulnerable alone #i keep thinking about how Yui could use them against each other and alfjakfkjafjaf hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh HATE IT

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girlcrushau · 1 month

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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tiredstressedemotionalmess · 7 months

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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

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sleevebuscemii · 2 months

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tmi

#a friend is coming back from a solo kayaking trip in patagonia today and i feel like such a shitty person for this but i just.#really dont feel like im in the mental space to hear about it.#and partly its because where im at mentally and personally right now just makes it hard for me to be happy for others #or at least for it to not open up doors that bog me down badly and thats on Me like thats totally my own shit #and even if i know hearing about their trip will be hard its an asshole move to approach them with #‘im not in the mental space to hear you share something you’re really excited about with me’#on the other hand.#i know the real reason its gonna suck so bad is that with This particular friend this trip just gonna be another thing they did first.#and in a perfect world it shouldn’t matter who the fuck did the thing first but in this relationship and in this dynamic it always has #and so i Know that yeah im mentally in a place where taking in other people’s good news is hard #but also im just dreading having to hear every detail of how this trip is something i will never measure up to #every detail of things i would have to do bigger and better for it to matter and like. idk i fucking hate thinking about this #because it always makes me feel so small and bitter and they’re such ugly feelings #but also i know this dynamic isn’t like this because of me but i also know nothing i’ve ever done to try to change it has worked #and it’s like. i just have so much anxiety around this conversation that hasn’t even happened yet #and it’s because i know it’s gonna open up all this shit with it #m

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heartshattering · 12 days

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they should invent a nighttime that doesn't make OCD worse

#at least it's not just me according to a quick search I did #but still ughhhhhh #I know what I need to do to cope but then when I'm in the moment it feels like I'm literally dying #I would get into more detail but explaining the stuff that goes through my head sounds so ridiculous like ?????#I know I already did [action] so there's no need for me to get out of bed and repeat it 20+ times before I let myself sleep!#I... I don't do that during the daytime... because that would feel ridiculous and irrational #but Nighttime Brain is like “you gotta”#don't try to reason with OCD because it Does Not Care! :')#the fact I'm able to recognize how ridiculous this is should be comforting #but like I said in the moment all my mind wants to do is convince me that tonight is the night I'm gonna die #and that it's all my fault and that I've ruined everything #I would not wish this on anyone #(except as a free trial to those people who say they want OCD when they don't really understand how much it sucks to deal with it)#sigh #anyway it's only 3 PM but I'm already dreading nighttime so that's why this popped into my mind #I'll be fine

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elliesgaymachete · 1 year

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I like Vax and Scanlan more in tlovm but I also still can’t separate vaxl*th and p*kelan from how much I didn’t like them in c1. Like they are actively taking steps to make both relationships better which is Good. like Vax no longer kissed Kiki without her consent and they’ve toned down Scanlan’s gross hitting on pike SO MUCH. But god I just remember how uncomfortable both relationships made me watching vm and I lose interest in seeing them in the show at all😔

#cw discourse #I’ll use that tag for my negative opinions from now on so feel free to block if you’d like 😅#this is mostly about p*kelan #i think it was just that one vaxl*th moment that colored my opinion on their relationship through the rest of the campaign #like I Do like Scanlan more but god he sucked so much in c1 #i would like dread episodes when Ashley was back because I knew he was gonna be a prick about it

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idontdrinkgatorade · 4 months

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i feel so anxious rn

#on one hand i want to do nothing bc. senioritis #but also. because i'm doing nothing. i'm running out of time to do things #*staring at my piano solo that i'm trying to take to state but haven't even touched*#*staring at fafsa*#*staring at driver's ed*#*staring at actually deciding what fucking university i'm going to go to*#i haven't had any mental breakdowns but like i feel like i'm close #it's like a constant dread #i hate thinking about the future but now i don't have much of a choice #plus no matter where i go for college i'm going to be alone #like...i feel horrible because most of my friends are going to the same place. and i'm just gonna be alone and forgotten about #and they'll prob say 'no we'll keep in contact and visit' but will that actually happen?#and even if it does i'm going to inevitably be left out of everything #if i go one place then at least i'll only be an hour away but my parents are pressuring (and manipulating) me into not going there #and they'll be pissed if i choose that and i don't know if i can deal with them and their passive aggressiveness.#but the other option is at least three hours away from any friends #and i don't have social media outside of tumblr...like i can get an instagram but at this point it probably won't be until i graduate #because my mom is so adamant on hating it and she'll be pissed at me if i make one without telling her which means i have to ask #and then there's the passive aggressiveness again and she'll probably try to stalk everything i do on there #and additionally the university option that my parents hate has the better linguistics program #and every time i mention that they get so pissed at me. and my mom's like 'we're just trying to protect you'#at this rate i'll probably never have a stable career or friends or anything #i'm just so fucking scared #i know when people say someone 'peaked in high school' they usually mean like popular kids and stuff #but like i feel like high school is going to be my peak. i think my life is going to fall apart after this

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raspberryjellybrains · 2 years

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Infinity Adds Up

characters: magnus chase

fandom: mcga

words: ~500

warnings: discussion of graphic violence, existentialism, depressive topics

description: an action, once done enough, loses all meaning. death is like that, or at least magnus hopes it is.

I am on mobile and the cut post feature does not work. if this will trigger you, now is the time to scroll super fast by.

------------------------- cut -------------------------

Magnus thinks that in 10, 20, 40, 100 years he'll get used to the feeling of a fight. The adrenaline will stop its blinding rush, panic fueled limbs flying through the battle field (kill revive tiptoe kill defend-) and he wil be able to regard battle with the cool logic and calculated movements of Valhalla's older residents.

He knows this is when he will become numb, everyone he loved and knew in life dead, and he is scared. He knows that the numbness will prevent him from hurting about it, and he is less scared.

There is an illusion of luxury in this place, the desperate scrabbling cover of immortals to make up for the fact that they're so fucking empty except for the times they get maim each other. The only thing that can pierce their fogged vision is wrath, sharp and unfettered, misplaced at those that slight them rather than the cruel march of time of time ending in a battle which renders everything pointless. Valhallans will see stars die, and they will be the ones with the dust of the universe spread across their hands like so many centuries of blood.

But at least the towels are soft.

Magnus knows all of this, knows it in the marrow of his undead bones, producing and rotating blood in endless circles until it is broken with the tip of a spear or a bullet or sometimes a silver garrote. Sometimes he thinks he knows too much for this place, thinks of Halfborn with all of his degrees and blind faith, thinks of Annabeth with her careful cynical hope, and he thinks of Alex and his 3am existentialism and knows he doesn't. Everyone knows as much, too, they just ignore it.

Magnus was never much good at ignoring things, never good at being numb. His emotions demanded to be felt, covering him in waves all encompassing feeling in way that made his skin crawl. This is why he panics, why he cannot fight.

Why, even after 400 years, he walks onto the battlefield of Ragnarok all the more mind fucking than in his relative youth, there is no sense of relief.

All he feels fear.

#listen. if its garbage let me know but i am feeling emotions rn.#there is a stunning lack of magnus angst in this fandom. so i must provide.#sorry if this comes across as a little tonally weird im used to spn flavor angst so its a bit of an adjustment #probably gonna rb when its not ass oclock #valhallas fucked tho #why would you give a 16 year old a minibar key. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.#how many alcoholics are here. do they have ANY mental health support system?#no because anger is grief let sit and harden #good god theres so much to analyze about this depiction of valhalla this is just the tip of the iceberg #ppl will straight up fade out of existence from depression and everyones like #L. rip tho ig.#WTF????#sorry #my angry brain is on #mcga #mcga fanfic #magnus chase #tw violence #tw existential dread

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sdfckz · 2 years

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new job is so fucking hard but im Adjusting. im Adjusting......its really lucrative and worth it in the long run and ik that. new place doesnt feel quite like home yet but its so beautiful and fancy and nice, like TOO fancy and beautiful and nice. it feels like a hotel lmao. i keep thinking "i wanna go home" while sitting at home. feel restless and exhausted at the same time. change is always just hard even if its objectively for the better..............but challenges create growth etc etc etc and the job really pushes me out of my comfort zone so thats a good thing. gotta try n get used to more things that are difficult for me. objectively a rlly good job theres nothing bad about it except that its not what i wanna do in the longrun. ik im in the right place for right now. my best friends are about to have a baby soon too and they moved in right downstairs. gonna be my sisters bridesmaid. we're building more on the property. its really beautiful in the summer, theres lightning bugs everywhere u look and the stars are so bright. camping there is great. everythings okey.

#growing and changing for the better as usual. taking b12 has helped with the bad summer moodiness i get too.#im lost though........i wish i had clarity about what direction to go from here #gonna buy a car soon bc i can afford it...#but then what. idk what makes me happy #i dread every single job #i miss my old coffee shop job because that place really really felt like home to me #i could do every single thing backward forwards and with my eyes shut #not being perfect and knowing everything at my new job is making me feel kind of insecure #i just want the dust to settle so i can feel normal again. i did SO well this past year and now im facing discomfort again #but ive gotta accept it and just live with it. n thats what im doing #i got so upset that i called out for a week straight but after that i just accepted it and now its fine im just going forward #and its gotten easier. and its gonna keep getting easier as i adapt #my life has so much potential right now its extremely overwhelming. and making decisions for myself and myself only is crazy #but its also awesome because i CHOOSE to change. i couldve stayed at my old job but i left because i wanted more #i couldve stayed in chinatown but i wanted more and i created the change i wanted to see #i used to be so afraid of change and its still so scary but now i fully know that i have the power and control to create the life i want #i have total personal power and enough confidence in myself to embrace change #even though its so uncomfortable and scary #im genuinely proud of myself for the first time ever #ik it sounds corny and like im trying super hard to sound positive but thats the only thing getting me through this shit rn #im doing well and struggling at the same time #just pushing myself forward whether i like it or not

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catboysalmon · 2 months

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#aliens can talk #i think its mania #im not sure. but i think so #because im still a little wired #excited and nervous and i dont care about how much money im spending im nust sinking more and more into it #i feel like im mot fully processing things as they happen #so much fucking driving. im gonna be on that stupid bus for so long #ill... bring a book or something i guess #i have to prep so much weeed fuuuuck #i know i kind of big kid power through this shit when it happens but i am. dreading the busses #i keep telling myself if i dont ruminate and just suck it up itll be over before i know it #but it still has to happen #gdi WHYYY does sucha cool thing jave to be sandwiched in between so much fucking driving #i just DID the stupid trip up #i have to make sure i have everything i need #meds (!!!) snacks water pillow or something #stuff to draw #something to read #chargers #god i cant believe im doing this #im an ADULT who makes ADULT CHOICES #and maybe im allowed to be stupid. maybe im allowed to be indulgent without it being inherently selfish or bad #but i FEEL bad. why do i feel bad #guity i guess more than anything #that im not telling my parents? that im spending so much fucking money? that im going back home after JUST being there.#my mom would scold me #whatever. WHATEVER. get out of my head

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 2 months

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#tw animal death #one of my rats is sick and im not doing well about it #i think he has an upper respiratory infection and its bad #i made a vet appointment but if im being honest i dont think hes gonna make it that long #and thres no emergency vet for exotics near me #his breathing sounds painful and its so hard to listen to #and hes not eating or drinking. ive tried hand feeding and watering him. he just wont accept it #today i picked him up. and normally he fights being picked up. but today he just let it happen #he let me cuddle him for half an hour. normally when hes out of his cage he doesnt stop moving #he only sits in his hammock. and it's so hard to see him pass like this #im trying to give him the best time that i can. ive been trying to feed him his favorite snack (goldfish crackers) and let him out often #i love him so much and ive only had him for six months and thats just not enough #i got him from a friend and im dreading having to tell her that he died #hes my little baby. when i picked him up today i gave him kisses and just kept saying 'i love you. youre my baby' over and over #watching him die is killing me. ive cried every day since he got sick. even broke down at work because #i didnt want to be away from him that long. every day i come back from work or wake up and im afraid hes gone #its 5am and i dont want to sleep because checking on him every morning is terrifying #i love him so much and dont want to live without him (or my other little babies) but i can feel the day coming #i just hope he had a good few months with me and knows how much i love him #edit: i can hear all his breathing but then all of a sudden i cant hear him anymore. and its happened a couple of times #I'm scared that tonight's the night. and i want to hold him for the last little bit. but he doesnt like to be held #he likes his hammock. so if hes passing then i want him to be comfy. i just dont want to lose him #i keep checking on him every time i cant hear his breathing. im afraid hes gone. this is so fucking hard #its past 6am but i cant stand the thought of not being there if something happens. i just love him so much

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adlibitur · 6 months

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never felt exactly like this before

#so used to failing lately the idea of trying again feels like something that will be laughed at if i bring it up #quietly reapplying to school to go into stem field #i just feel like this is stupid and im gonna waste money and fail again no matter how much i want this #i feel like IM stupid #im having a little bit of a moment feeling excruciatingly stupid #yes almost everyone in my life will go on at length about how smart they think i am but i am HAUNTED violently so by the times #that ive been told i seem like i would drop out or im not focused or im just stupid and fixated on shit and im trying not to cry about it #i know im not dumb but im tired of wasting money and feeling like a waste as a person #i cant believe i screwed up my academics for men year after year so FUCKING stupid so so fucking stupid #the self confidence is fake here yall im less self confident than i was ten years ago i question every little thing now #i am so so lost in life and that makes me feel so so fragile #trying not to sink into the feeling of dead ends and dread because well #dread triggers my narcolepsy lmao and i cant afford to sleep the rest of the day rn #i both feel like i could do this and get it done and be quiet about it but then i also feel like #i could lay here and rot until i die and that sounds equally as tempting #i feel so childishly stupid when i think about my life like i expected something other than reality and reality is a little defeating honest #but thats life isnt it

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be-good-to-bugs · 7 months

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there is a god and he is cruel

#the bin #sorry sorry im having existential dread and terror. literally i dont think ive ever felt worse then i do over the fact im gonna have to wor #some stupid job so often that contributes nothing and get paid so little and be in pain the whole time and have so little time for fun #inat least wnat something that pays a bit better and feels like im actually doing something #tnis whole go to work and cycle through this same loop of donated items and then watch so many of them get tossed is killing me #my job feels so meaningless because it is. i dont know how to describe why. i think a job at a grocery store doing stocking would feel at #different. this type of production work is just so draining mentally. its not samey enough to just be ignorable. it sucks #i go to work and sort through stuff and then put it on the shelves and then everything gets all messed up and fixed and messed up again #and it repeats and its not the same as if it were boxed. because at least that would feel just like whatever yknow. its this horrible #capitalist system disgused as something small and friendly. ive always felt this way about big chain thrift stores and now that i work at #one that feeling is so much stronger. '#'you love to thrift so why not work at thrift?' because it will crush your soul #sorry. i would rather like work at a store stocking a regular rotation of things and itd feel like corprate capitalism yattah yattah but #not pretending to be soemthing else. my coworkers are so nice but i hate this job #my managers are fine but theyre pushing more of tnis produce produce produce thing bc they have to and i dislike it a lot #like man i AM doing my best and its fast enough and its not even being said directly to me just everyone but it feels bad like they want #me doing this exact process for a job whee the things change. its not a bunch of same shape packeged blah blah its just an array of objects #a really boring array of objects that are all the same but also not the same enough to be easier #and you want to to act like its all packeged and stuff??#ugh i hate it. i think this is why i like hanging bags so much cause its a simple sorting pricess and simple to put them up

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lovebugism · 3 months

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do something with king steve who secretly likes female/shy/reader

hope u like it xoxo — the one where king steve keeps his best girl a secret (shy!fem!r, secret relationship, fluff, 1.2k)

bug's one year celebration ♡

“Boo!”

You jump when a figure appears suddenly behind the door of your opened locker. They’re wearing bell bottoms and a sparkly clip in their strawberry curls. Carol Perkins giggles when her attempts to scare you work. Tommy Hagan follows just behind her, laughing louder until his freckled face scrunches together.

The only reassuring thing about seeing both of them together is knowing Steve isn’t too far behind. He’s got his tongue in his cheek, and his arms crossed over his chest, visibly unamused. “What are you guys— three?” he scoffs, pushing the sleeves of his sweater up to his elbows.

“Yeah, three inches deep in your mom,” Tommy retorts with a boyish chuckle.

Carol squints her made-up eyes at him. She deadpans, “That’s not the comeback you think it is, Hagan.”

You turn to Steve with a panicked glimmer in your eye. You’re so used to being the butt of all their jokes that being in their proximity now fills you with something close to ice-cold dread. You peer at the boy beside you with pinched-together brows, knowing he’s the only one who cares about you past cheating off your homework.

“What’s going on?” you wonder quietly, for only him to hear.

Steve grins, brows raised and eyes twinkling. “My house is gonna be empty tonight. ‘Cause, you know, my dad’s got a work conference or whatever, so… No parents. Big house—”

“A total recipe for disaster,” Tommy interjects with a laugh.

“You’re throwing a party?” you ask, voice trembling. There’s little more that scares you than crowds — well, crowds and loud music and drunk people. Parties were never your scene. Steve knows that better than anyone.

He corrects you quickly, stammering over himself because he never wants you to feel uncomfortable. “No! No, not a party. It’s gonna be lowkey. Just a— a get-together, you know? Just the four of us.”

“Ooh,” Carol croons from behind you. “So no priss?”

“Shut up, Carol,” Steve snaps.

“I’m just used to you following her around like a lost puppy, that’s all.” Carol and Tommy laugh about it together. ‘Cause that’s all they’re really good at — making stupid jokes and cackling like supervillains.

Steve rolls his eyes with an annoyed huff and turns his attention back to you. You take it from him wholly, every ounce of his focus.

There was something ethereal in your vagueness — in how softly you spoke and how pretty you looked when you weren’t even trying. You’re quiet and mysterious and hidden. Steve desperately wants to be the one that deciphers you.

“Are you in?” he asks in a low, honeyed tone.

Your gaze falls to the tile. “I don’t know…” you murmur.

“C’mon,” he croons and steps closer to you. His sneakers enter your vision until you look up at him again, peering at him from beneath your lashes. His grin is pink and pretty and lopsided. “Don’t leave me with these assholes all night.”

“Dick,” you hear Tommy scoff from behind you. He sounds much further away than that ‘cause all you can see now is Steve. And his pretty hair and his pretty eyes and his stupid pretty smile.

You cave instantly.

You never really stood a chance, anyway. Not with the way he was looking at you.

“I’ll think about it,” you mumble and turn back to your locker. You switch your English textbook for a History one and cradle it in your arms. Steve grins, knowing he’s forgotten his on purpose just so he could sit next to you all period.

“Good,” the boy hums.

“We’re finally wearing Wallflower down,” Carol muses, giggling to herself.

Tommy knocks you too hard on the shoulder. “You’ll be one of us in no time,” he grins.

You grimace as they walk off down the hall. That’s the last thing you’ve ever wanted. The thought of there being an ounce of similarities between you and them makes your stomach ache.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” Steve tells you, smiling quietly when you nod.

He reaches into the pocket of his jeans and passes you a folded-up piece of paper. He doesn’t look back at you when he follows his friends down the corridor. You don’t open it until he’s gone.

West wing chem lab, he’s written in chicken scratch. Come find me.

—————

The hallway at the west end of the school is dim and empty. The floors are untouched, and the lockers are sparingly opened. The air is thick and noticeably stale. You open the door to the old chemistry room with a high-pitched squeak that sounds like something out of a horror movie.

Steve waits for you in the dark classroom, lit only by the natural sunlight streaming in through translucent curtains. He sits at a table in front of the window and toys with the burner at the end of it. He turns the thin blue flame on and off and on again, silently wishing he’d plucked a cigarette from Tommy before he left.

His honey eyes flit to yours when you walk into the room. He grins at the soft smirk on your bitten lips. “What’s that look for, huh?” he teases, turning off the burner and sliding off the desk.

You shrug. “Nothin’…”

“I missed you.”

You scoff when he wraps his arms around you. His wide palms smooth over your back. “You just saw me.”

“It doesn’t count when I’m with Tommy and Carol. I need you all to myself…”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he murmurs lowly, ducking down to kiss you. His plush lips lock with yours, tasting of nicotine and chewing gum — a near-lethal concoction. He smiles against your mouth when you melt further into him. He parts from you with a gentle smack.

“They’re starting to like me, I think,” you mumble, smoothing your hands over his chest. “Tommy and Carol.”

“I think so, too.”

“It’s awful.”

“Absolutely disgusting,” he concurs, grinning wide when you giggle.

“But, you know, maybe we wouldn’t have to hide anymore,” you stammer, gaze falling when it becomes too hard to hold his. “If they don’t think I’m, like, the lamest person on the planet.”

Steve’s brows furrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, that’s why you don’t want them to know about us, right? ‘Cause you’re King Steve, and I’m… fish bait,” you conclude with a forced laugh.

“No,” he answers instantly. “What? No. That’s not— That’s not why.”

“Oh.”

“I don’t want them to know about us because they’re assholes,” Steve confesses. “I mean, they were awful to Nancy when we were together. ‘Cause they’re miserable, and they hate when other people are actually nice. I just don’t want them to… ruin anything, that’s all…”

You muss with a rogue thread at the neckline of his sweater and smile quietly to yourself. “I thought you were scared because you accidentally fell in love with the Wallflower instead of the Prom Queen.”

Steve scoffs. “I didn’t accidentally fall in love with you, first of all.”

“No?” you murmur, brow quirking in disbelief.

“No, it was very intentional.”

“I don’t believe that,” you argue with a lighthearted chuckle. You think it’s easier than saying, I don’t believe you because there’s no way you love someone like me because you want to.

Steve’s palms squeeze your sides reassuringly, like he can hear all the mean thoughts swirling in your head. “Well, you didn’t make it any easier on me,” he tells you, a crooked smile tugging at his pink lips. “You started talkin’ all smart in Ms. Click’s class, and I started melting.”

“That’s when you knew you liked me?” you scoff. “After I gave a presentation about geopolitical tensions in China?”

He exhales sharply through his nose, licking his lips with heavy eyelids. “See what I mean? That’s hot.”

“God, you’re such a boy.”

#published by bug #steve harrington x reader #stranger things x reader #steve harrington #steve harrington x you #steve harrington imagine #steve harrington x y/n #stranger things #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfic #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fic #steve harrington fanfic #steve harrington fic #steve harrington fanfiction #st drabbles #stevie drabble #event: bug turns one

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