Hard Days Equal Harder Nights
I can remember a time when I would lay in bed, and my mind would float. A new world would open before me, and I could traverse to worlds that were of my own creation. For a reality that was always in chaos, this I could control and bend to my will. I was a spry 16 year old with everything to play for, and my health was better than I would ever know it. I loved to play soccer, though I never had a proper yard, video games were something I did every once in a while, but were always a source of entertainment, and I loved to stay up late and devour novels. Now, however, life is a struggle, and I often find myself daydreaming just to work through or find some comfort where I have had none.
My mother, though the one who ultimately raised me, is a narcissist. I was once in the hospital needing to have my gallbladder out, and all she could do was tell me to stop crying because everyone goes through it. “It’s a part of life, so you need to stop and act your age”. Every time I was hurting, depressed, sick, sad, or so run down that all I could do was lay in bed and sleep, she had a reason as to why I had to get up and deal with life:
*No one gets to lay in bed unless they’re in the hospital or dying
*I once had four kids to raise and I never got a day off
*Ya know what? There are times I don’t want to do anything, but you just have to
*I worked all day, so you need to get up and pull your weight
*I’ve worked longer and harder than you ever will
*No one is going to care. They just want you to work, so get used to it
*Everyone hurts, but they get up anyway
*I’m not as old as she is, which means I don’t need to lay down
My boyfriend often asks me why I say and do things a certain way, and all I can do is say that I was conditioned to do so. An ex friend would tell me that I’m always on alert, and I’ve come to see the truth in it. When I wake up, I’m awake. I don’t try to go back to sleep because, for one thing, no one here is nice enough to keep their voices down and let me sleep, and for a second, I know that someone will come in eventually, so I may as well get up and around. I’ve been made to know that when work needs done, it gets done, and it doesn’t matter if you’re tired, hungry, in a bad mood, or had a long day, you get up off your ass, and do it. More than once I’ve been told that I need to rest, but it simply isn’t possible. If someone here isn’t going to pull their weight, than someone has to step in, and more often than not, it’s me. If I don’t, I’m told a variety of insults:
*I will never work as long or as hard as they have
*Never to have kids because I’d be just another drain on the government system
Tonight, I have a cyst rupturing on my ovary, and it’s in the same place as two weeks ago when it happened, and before then, it was a week. I have been tested for PCOS, but come up negative. My family thinks I’m a hypochondriac, due to the fact that I have several issues that occur at one time; dumping syndrome, weird blood pressure spikes (I’m on medication for blood pressure), panic and anxiety attacks, PMDD, IBS, stomach acid condition, and they can either all hit at once, or spread out over time. I’ve been to the hospital on more than occasion, been hospitalized, had IV’s, been giving medication to stop them, and even though I’ve had doctor’s tell me that it isn’t in my head, and my parents are lying, it continues.
Also this night, my father gave me half a Percocet to help combat the pain, but I am drowsy beyond anything. We live in a home that has a swiss cheese roof, no ceiling (just plastic sheeting), and we have to empty rain buckets when it pours down. I, however, can’t sleep because it has to get done. Rather than help us, my mother has chosen to bury her head in the sand, and sleep (or pretend to), which leaves us to deal with all of it. I can still feel the cyst rupturing, but there is nothing I can do. All I want is to curl up and sleep, and my boyfriend says that I need to lay down and not do so much, but that is like telling him not to go help his ex with the kids (she continually says how she is a single parent, when he does more to help them than anyone. She also tells them they don’t have to listen to him because he isn’t living there, and wants money from him for the kids, when she gets a massive amount each month for the kids, food, rent, bills, etc). I find solace in the times I get to spend with him, and the happiness and safety I feel when he’s there. I have a guardian and witness to the daily bullshit they try to pull, and know that soon, I’ll be away from here.
The rains have slowed, and I hope that soon I can drop off. I feel it coming. My eyes are heavy and I’m swaying to the point I’m nearly falling over. Please keep me in your thoughts tonight, and know that it can always get worse. I’m thankful that it hasn’t yet, and that I have a bright and beautiful future coming.
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I feel so frustrated. I keep having these uncomfortable dreams about being at school and being in an unrecognizable bathroom with other girls I don't even know. I also had a nightmare about playing some male character who had to defend himself from a creature with a long tongue that kept pursuing him. It was like being forced to play a video game I didn't like. I feel so upset that I rarely have dreams that I want to have and I try to lucid dream but I never succeeded before. I just want to go to sleep knowing that I can dream of what I want... I don't know what to do.
Hey, it’s totally okay. I’m sorry your dreams have been so uncomfortable and scary. Keep intending for your dreams to be lucid and lovely. It works if you persist.
I used to never remember my dreams, so I intended to remember them. Now I always do. My dreams were boring so I wanted more to them... now they’re super elaborate and weird. I even intend to dream experiences about having my dream life and every once in a while, I get a good one. Just keep persisting in what you want.
You won’t keep having terrible dreams. You’re going to be having the best dreams ever any day now. 💖
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