Last night i dreamed I was playing with this little kid and she had this dollhouse and we were decorating it. Then a bunch of my friends just came and destroyed the dollhouse. For no reason idk. So i yelled at them.

Then i became an all powerful being. My only weaknesses were bruised fruit, sugar, and onions. These would make me powerless for an hour after consumption. I wrecked havoc (and also i went to that little girl and gave her some cool new fancy dollhouse furniture to cheer her up)(her dollhouse was no longer broken now) and then i got pissed and just wrecked havoc, constantly shape shifting into different people so i wouldnt be able to be tracked. Then i stole a pear and left. Turned out the pear had a bruise in it so i changed back to normal and went to this museum. It was like a history museum. I got some lolipops and put it in my pocket for later (i still ate sugar (not onions or bruised fruit because thats nasty) but i ate it in my giant magic castle (that i had apparently) so i would be safe) and i woke up before i got home

So when you were little, how many other girls had nightmares where monsters/something dangerous was coming and the scariest part was that no one would listen to you when you ran around trying to warn them?

The feeling that your concerns will be discarded appears early and manifests in whatever way it can.

Had a dream last night that I was in quarantine with a bunch of people, including Brian May. For some reason, Dr. May filled my couch with motor oil. I remember asking him in the dream why he’d put motor oil in the couch, then I woke up.

My dream last night was actually kinda wholesome?? 

Basically I was staying in a dorm, and my roommates were the league of villains. It was morning so Dabi, Toga, Mr. Compress and I were all making breakfast (it was kinda crowded) and I just remember that I turned to Dabi and told him “You’re burnt toast is done.” We all ended up eating together since in the dream canon I was moving back home soon.

Anyways turns out wasn’t a dorm anywhere normal it was a dorm in a Disney theme park. I don’t remember much past the breakfast part, but I did steal a pass to enter the park,, so. 

i’ve been having trouble staying awake again. lots of weird dreams. last night i dreamed i invited everyone i know (pretty much literally—like hundreds of people, including some of you guys) to a party in a weird labyrinthine multi-story building with a different kind of entertainment on every floor—arcades, extremely strange theater that involved things i’m having difficulty describing in the metaphorical daylight, movie showings, games. the building was strange and dark and complicated to navigate. i was wearing a bright pink dress that i’d spilled something on in and i had nothing to change into, so i just kept walking around, hyper-conscious of the condition of being stained but unable to alter it. everyone i care about was angry at me for not paying enough attention to them; there were too many people for me to give anyone adequate attention. everyone i love was hurt and angry and it was entirely my fault; it was too late to do anything but be acutely aware of how badly i’d fucked up and wait for it to be over.

The only thing I remember about last night is waking up curled into a ball and whispering “I am condensed milk”

As we slept on the sweet honey dew grass, my head rested on his chest listening to the roaring sound of the river washing upon each other creating a soothing lullaby for us. His strong arms anchored me close to his body, he felt so warm and loving I could not bring myself to think another thought but how much I love his arms wrapped around me. The sun started to set, making this moment more beautiful; snuggling close I buried my face in his chest listening to his rhythmic heartbeat thumping stridently in my ears. It reminded me of the burning question I wish to ask him, but I knew would ruin things in the end if I do, deciding that I could not wait another second I lifted my head off from his chest to look at him while he propped his head on his elbow to see what is wrong.

           “I’ve dreamt about you for as long as I remember, I know deep in my heart this is more than a dream for me, it feel real but I can’t help but think that it is only real to me” I told him, I felt my voice crack a bit. I felt like a fool allowing myself to fall for a man who might not even be real, as the tears dripped down on my face I felt his warm hand wipe them away from me.

           “This is real, it is as real as my heartbeats for you and only you” he tells me, I buried my face deep in his palm listening to his soothing words of comfort to me.

           “Don’t let these dreams be an obstacle between us, I promise you that I will find you and when I do…I will rest until you are in my arms for eternity”

           “Tell me again” I whispered, I repeated myself until it sounded like a small prayer to him. I wanted him to say it over and over again until my heart is reassured that I am not a fool to fall for a dream for so many years.

           “When I find you, I will hold you until time is time no more darlin” he whispered, his lips brushed against my lips, I wanted to kiss him but I could not because as soon as I leaned over to kiss him that ripping feeling started to pull us away again.

           “NO!” I yelled, I stretched my arms for him to hold me and keep me close in his arms.

           “Cornelia get up or you will be late on the first day of school” Mother yelled, groaning I rolled off my king size bed to drag my feet to the built in bathroom. Staring as the hot water beat my back I could not help but wonder will I ever get to meet my mystery man, or will it always just be inside my head.

           “Whatever” I muttered, angrily shutting the water off I wrapped the plush towel around my body and headed to the closet to pull out my first day of school outfit, since the weather is surprisingly wet but I want to skate to school.

‘Looks like I’m in for a battle’ I thought, Skating was one of the many dangerous hobbies I’ve picked up to piss my parents off. After countless arguments my parents finally let me do what I want but that didn’t stopped them from giving me ‘the warnings’. Which consisted of the dangers of the choices I make and blah blah blah. I grabbed the first outfit with a black beanie. Getting dressed blue jeans, a lilac thin long sleeve top and my signature classic converses. I gave myself a quick wink before slipping the black beanie over my curly tresses, I grabbed my favorite skateboard and brown leather satchel before heading downstairs to say goodbye to the ‘rentals’.

           “Aright, I’m heading off to school” I yelled, without giving them a chance to stop me I practically ran outside and jumped on my skateboard, I used my phone to get the directions to the school from that packet they give the parents to explain the rules and regulation and blah, blah, blah. They had a knack for nagging me to death about safety this and that but all I wanted was to be a free teenager when my life consisted of eggshells. I was only twenty minutes away from the school which is great because I can cruise, as I continued skating through the streets, I reached to the peak of a massive hill. I could see the school from the top of the hill and I knew that if I skate down this hill I will either A. die but make it on time or B. make it on time but die. Spending another minute debating about my fate, I shrugged my shoulders and prayed to the magnetic force that is the universe not to ruin my face, tilting down the peak I felt my gut touching my butt and my heart joined my gut once I went down the hill. I could feel the resilient wind beating my face, threatening to take my beanie away from my head, holding my beanie tight on my head I felt like I was flying my feet never touched the ground, I felt invincible to be honest. The world was my oyster and I could do whatever I damn well please but all that ended once I made it safely to the school unharmed, taking the school in I realized that it looks one of those schools you see on some musical show except this school looked a bit gloomy and there were countless teenagers hanging by their cars chit chatting with each other.

           “What in Kami’s name did they register me to? “I questioned, I took in the atmosphere of the school, and it seems like Forks High School is nothing but a social facility for teenagers.

‘My kind of place’ I thought

Holding my skateboard in my hand I looked around to take the old brick building in, and the closer I got to it the more I realize how much my parents resented me. It looked like a reformatory school. It was a collection of matching buildings, built with maroon-colored bricks and surrounded by trees and shrubs. It is similar like my old private school where we wear uniforms and Mary Janes but here they at least give you the freedom to wear what you want. Passing through the gates of Forks High school, I ignored all eyes that just floated towards my way; back in my old school not a single eye would find me because I blended in but here it seems like I am nothing but a deer with neon headlights.

           “Thank you so much Mom and Dad” I whispered, rolling my eyes I attempted to find my first class, at least they offer all the same classes I took back in my private school so at least the dreaded starting all over can be avoided.

           “Aright auto shop, where are you” I whispered to myself, I love working with cars I don’t know where I got it from but all I know is if someone gives me a crotch rocket motorcycle engine I’ll be the happiest girl alive. I love fixing engines it is one of my favorite things to do. Most girls at my old school spend their lunch breaks going down Fifth Avenue to max out their parents’ American express black cards, while I spend it working on the school’s old clunker. Mom always said I am a peculiar girl, my response would always be some girls love flowers, others love shoes, and I love V-8 engines. Dad always said that in my past life I might have been a mechanic I just shrugged maybe that is why I prefer being alone rather than surrounded with so many people. I remembered when Conner gifted me with my very first set of tools on our fourteenth birthday, he had the tools engraved with: “Always”.

I remembered when I asked him what “Always” meant, and he looked at me and smiled.

           “You’re always going to be my sister, in this life and the next” I cried when he told me that because my brother didn’t have a sentimental bone in his body. But looking back in retrospect, I guess he always knew he wasn’t going to be with me every step of the way.  

           “Excuse me miss?” I turned around looking for the voice but everything I would turn they would just follow my direction making us do this dog chasing his tail dance. Once I stopped he walked in front of me, he has the most expressive eyes I have ever seen. His black hair looked greasy and he looked like he had more than he was letting on. Clearing my throat waiting for him to tell me why he stopped me in the middle of this estranged hallway while, once again, the entire student body population stared at me hungrily like a mountain lion looks at a deer.

           “You must be new, I’m Eric editor and chief of the school paper and it is my sole duty to show the newbies around” He answered, I smiled at his silent invitation. It was only a matter of time before some poor dude tries to flirt with me on my first day. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he may not be flirting with me, but boys will always be boys.

           “Especially one as beautiful as you” as he adds.

‘So much for benefit of the doubt’ I thought, rolling my eyes I smiled at Eric, but I guess he may one of those guys that are extremely persistent.

           “That’s sweet, Eric right?” I asked he nods.

           “The thing is, I know how this works you expect me to be the ditsy naiveté new girl who is frighten by the size of the massive old prestige building right?” I asked

           “Well I didn’t think you were naiveté—“

           “That’s most guys problems, and I think you may be a great guy if you weren’t trying to flirt with me on my first day. I’m sure you were hoping for some kind of romance, but I’m just not interested, okay?” I answered, I knew I sounded harsh from the way Eric’s face started to drop once he figured out that his plan is practically transparent as water to me.

           “Look, it was really sweet of you but I just want to find my next class” I pat his shoulders before trying to find the auto shop class. Reading the signs in the hallway I tried to match them with the schedule which miraculously vanished into the hands of none other than Eric.

           “Is there a reason you are holding my schedule as a hostage?” I asked

           “You take auto shop?” He asked, he completely threw my question right over his shoulder shocked that a girl would take auto shop.

           “Yeah, what is that a rare occasion for you male species to see a girl into cars?” I asked

           “Yeah because no girl here would ever be caught dead in that class”

           “I’m not just any girl, I’m the new girl thank you very much” I told him after snatching my schedule from his flabbergasted hands, I walked away only to finally find the auto shop class; it looked pretty huge in the inside, the garage could probably fit fifty cars if it wanted to.

           “Hi, I’m Cornelia-Rae Argent” I introduced myself to the teacher, he just threw a suit in my face and told me to get to work.

           “Somebody pissed in his coffee today” I muttered, a boy laughed at my comment while tuning a beautiful 1967 cherry red mustang convertible. Whistling at her beauty I could not help but feel impressed by the school’s taste in cars.

           “Where did they get such a beauty” I asked, I dropped my books at the station near the car to admire her. I wanted to touch her but it looks like she just got a fresh paint job and is still drying as we speak.

           “Courtesy of the Cullen’s” He said proudly, I really did not register his words, I just so happened to still be under the spell of the car. Finally breaking from her sweet irresistible spell, I looked up at the boy who finally finished judging me with his stone-cold eyes.

‘Guess he wouldn’t know fun even if the fun stick hits him’ I thought.

           “You’re the new girl right?”

           “And you’re very observant” I answered while putting the monkey suit on, zipping up the bad boy up to my neck I looked inside the engine to see that there is a hole in the cylinder which will come back and bite this boy on the ass if he doesn’t see it soon.

           “You do know there is a hole in one of the cylinders, right?” I pointed out he seemed pissed by the he held onto the wrench pretty tightly. Something tells me he likes to be in control of certain muscle made things. He looked at the cylinders to double check what I pointed out, as if I was a liar or something.

           “Oh what do you know, Miss Barbie do know something about cars other than to put the key in the ignition” he stated.

           “Who pissed in your captain crunch?” I asked, “If I remember correctly, you were just laughing at my joke about a second ago, so why the bipolar attitude?”

He started sizing me up, and I did the same I am not afraid of some bipolar body builder who probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I will admit that he has beautiful fair skin, dark brown curly hair and impeccable golden eyes that couldn’t see past a kettlebell.

           “I’m Emmett” He introduced.

           “Rae” I answered.

           “Normally girls who take this class, run out crying after I’m done with them” he answered “You’re not like most girls”

           “Thank Kami for that, now about that hole in the cylinder” I told her. After a quick shake down with Emmett we started to become acquainted with each other. I learned he is a serious car lover, and a mech head like myself. We talked about our favorite cars and our favorite past projects of the cars we fixed.

           “Tell me Rae, how does a New Yorker like yourself know so much about cars?” he asked, I shrugged my shoulders as we walked in the hallways. After Auto shop, we found out that we have three classes together one of them including lunch, gym and history while the rest is just A.P classes that sadly my intelligent brain can only comprehend. We talked as much as we could get in before I head off to one of the five A.P. classes that I had the honors of tracking down its location…by myself of course.  

           “Alright A.P Biology, we have a date” I whispered to myself looking at my schedule I noticed I got some motor fluid on it when I was busy helping Emmett with the engine of the Convertible. Pulling it close to my face I tried decoding the letters I managed to make out at least three of the four letters.

           “I think that is a—Oof” I said, I bumped into someone on purpose which is likely of me to do, since I am after all a grade A world class klutz.

           “I am so sorry, I did not see you” I started to apologize but all he did was smile at me.  

           “It’s alright, you probably didn’t see me” He answered “Most people don’t”

           “I’m honestly not this clumsy” I added back.

I watched as he smiled before helping me with my text books, it hasn’t been an entire two hours and I already embarrassed myself by the first cute guy I’ve seen all day.

           “I’m Mike Newton, you must be new here” He introduced he pulled out his hand to give me a handshake, I could not be rude so I shook his hand.

           “It’s that obvious huh?”

           “Yeah, because I have never seen a girl as apologetic about being clumsy” He answered.

           ‘he must be real good with his words’ I thought, giving him a smile I wanted to leave some mystery so I brushed some hair behind my ear and walked away going to my class with only two minutes left till the late bell rings.

           “You never told me your name” He called out.

           “That’s the point” I answered back smiling at him hoping that it was flirty, I didn’t have much experience with the boys back home. Racing against the bell, I found the class and smacked my hand on the teacher’s lab table stopping myself from that awe-inspiring run. I think I may have broken my personal best record in running with only two minutes till the bell. After taking a good breather I noticed how the class and teacher stared at me like I lost my mind or something.

           “My name is Cornelia-Rae Argent, I’m new here” I answered before taking a seat in the spare chair in the back.

First day of school and I managed to leave an impression on them. This might be another personal best of mine. Rolling my eyes at the thought I paid attention to the teacher’s lesson and took clean notes—another personal dislike of mine…

-o-

           “I saw it first now hand it over”

           “No way it is the last one and there is no way in hell I’m giving you the last Ramen, not over my dead body”

           “Well that could be arranged”

           “As if you can kill me, you can’t kill a fly unless your girlfriend comes in and does it for you”

Walking past some lockers, I hand ten minutes before I have to make it to my Physics class; the school board was impressed how I could take double science classes, I just shrugged during the meeting and told them I am an impressive girl.  However, I could not help but overhear what sounds like two guys arguing over food, back at my private school normally guys would fight over girls or cars even but food, these two guys surprised me.

           “Excuse me, could you direct me to my next class” I asked they stopped their fighting to look at me.

‘Uh-oh’ I know that look, it is the same look everyone has been given me since I moved here. Checking my face to see if I miraculously turned hideous the one week I have lived here or if I have a disturbing zit on my forehead. I just wish I could figure out why people just stare at me like a deer in headlights, worse they stare at me like a piece of meat, what could be worse than that is being looked as a piece of meat that just happen to be a deer in headlights. Backing away slowly making sure they would not make any sudden movements towards me I told them “Never mind” and tried to find the class on my own, like I have been doing today so far.  My mind drift to the simple solidarity my dreams gave me, my profound oasis that he provided for me.

           “He is just a dream” I laughed to myself at the thought of him, I felt as if I were becoming obsessed over a man who simply does not exist to the bittersweet nature of life. He is my sweet escape away from this world, but only when the night calls us together and the Morning light, like a bitter housewife, drags us away from each other’s arms.

           “But a dream” I whispered. The way my heart was beating made me feel like it was yearning for the possibility that dream could be real or become real. It sunk deeper inside my chest making breathing non-existent. Walking to a little corner of the hallways I needed to get my shit together, I couldn’t fall apart. This was not the time to fall apart, not when everything else was burning alive in my mind. Arriving to the Physics class I looked to find the teacher, the layout is just the same as the Biology room only difference is instead of desk there are only lab tables that fills the room. When scanned the room for an adult who could possibly be the professor I stopped everything when my eyes caught the sight of blonde hair.

‘Did those hungry maniacs follow me?’ I thought, once he turned around, it was not the same people from earlier. My heart stopped beating, I think I forgot the key importance of air once my brown eyes laid eyes on him. Words were too rich for me to say anything, all I could do is drink him in with my eyes but they were not doing him justice; they finally got to see the dream as a reality but they did not touch him as I would in my dreams or kiss those beautiful sinful mouth of his. My body screamed out to him but I just stood there, finally like a deer in headlights; what could I even do? The man of my dreams is only ten feet away from me, but my feet molded in the ground. My heart finally awoken after flat lining on me and started racing like a NASCAR, I cannot breathe at all, but I did not want to because if I do then I would faint and if I do I will wake up only to find out that this is yet another dream I am having, and he is not real. The man I have fallen for in my dreams for so many years is real, REAL, if I were to tell this to a stranger they would think I am crazy but here, ten feet away from me is the living proof. When his eyes finally met mine, he stood there, ignoring the beautiful golden eyed girl that was talking his ears to death and stared at me.

You know how in a romance movie when the guy and girl look into each other’s eyes and suddenly there’s this awkward orchestra music begin to play and instantly a connection is being displayed to the crowd. Well that is what’s happening right now. Once our eyes clicked, the music started to play and everything around us started to move in slow motion. It was like you can see everything happening around you very slowly like a bunch of students who were talking in rapid motion are now awfully slow. Everything around us seemed to be put into retrospect, while only in this bubble, we seemed to fit perfectly is the present. I do not know how or why but I knew one thing for sure I could not take my eyes off him, nor did I want to. Everything just seemed to make sense in this bubble with him. It was like everything else was fading around us until there was just us two here. I could practically feel his breath on my skin, I breathed in his air and breathed out mine until we were breathing each other’s air. It did not feel like we were ten feet apart but much closer that if we were to move his arms he would be moving mine too.  I was so too lost in his eyes to focus so I leaned, forgetting where I am; I could only hear the sweet orchestra playing our song. While the world slowly continued to disappear around us, I wanted nothing more than to fade into him as I do in my dreams. A small crooked smile painted across my face this is too surreal, but it is happening now, while in still in the present I begin to lean in, I could see him lean in as well.

Thinking this would be the moment where our lips would touch when only our atoms do the touching for us, the thought of touching him send chills making me nervous and scared for the first time. Yet here we are leaning against each other, leaning in one final time, he looked away. He continued to talk to the girl with the golden eyes. Feeling uncomfortable, I started looking around to see if anyone else caught the embarrassment I just encounter, no one seemed to notice what happened a minute ago. Clearing my throat, I walked over to the teacher’s lab table and introduced myself loud enough for him to know who I am and hopefully one day I would learn his. I wanted to make this dream become a reality so badly, I did not read the signs nor did I bother to read in between the lines when he turned his head to continue listening to the pixie hair cut golden eyed beauty.

‘How could I have been so careless’ I thought, it hurt, to think that he stared at me in recognition. I could have sworn he looked at me the way I looked at him, but that could have been in my head like everything else.

           “Alright class, take a seat and you Miss Argent sit next to Mr. Cullen” He told me, I slightly paused when I heard that name. A week ago I went to the banquet at the Cullen’s house, and ran into a certain couple that were in a rather intimate moment hopefully there was no evidence for the Cullen’s to find. Oh, and the evidence to the smoke bomb I ‘allegedly’ set. However, I could not find the mysterious Cullen because, they made no gesture for me to find them, hearing the class snicker, I can feel my face get hot from embarrassment. I tried to make it throughout the day with no mishaps or incidents, but it seems like this mysterious Cullen had other plans for me. Turning slightly towards the teacher to show him I have no idea who is talking about, he sighed loudly and looked directly at me or passed me for that matter.

           “Mr. Jasper Cullen is there a reason you are not raising your hand to show Miss Argent where to sit?”  He asked. I turned my head to catch the guy who does not want me to sit next to him, I wanted a good look at his face so that way I can confront him later and tell him off. But as I looked around, everyone’s head turned towards the back where the golden eyed girl is sitting along with the man I have dreamed about for years. He looked dead in my eyes, and it clicked. The boy whom I’ve dreamed about is Jasper Cullen. Then another recognition clicked inside me.

           “Shhh Jasper, Let me help you relax”

He is the one that decided to have a private party with a girl. Feeling a sharp pain in my chest I did not want to believe it, the boy I have loved only has eyes for me and would not succumb to some cheap affections from just some girl. Not the man I love, he would never try to break my heart. There was still no words coming from him and I realize he wasn’t going to acknowledge me or the professor. He just embarrassed me in front of the entire class and teacher because he did not want to sit with me. The man—forget it he is not the man I know, nor did I think he would have the capability of breaking my heart right on the spot.

           “Jasper–” The pixie cut girl whispered, I know her voice. She is the one that was with him that night. There was still nothing coming from him, I didn’t know if he was playing some kind of game or simply wanted to embarrass me. Before I could get a word out he ran out of the class room with his hand cupping his nose and the pixie face girl followed right behind him with an apologetic look on her face. I did not know whether to run out of class and say I got the wrong class or show that his actions have no effect on me when in reality I am violently shaking because I am holding my embarrassment as much as I can but I want to break down and release these emotions inside me.

           “It’s fine Professor, I can find another seat” I answered with a fake smile on my face. Everyone turned at me in shock not expecting that reaction from me, all the emotions I held inside gradually turned into animosity in a Nano-second. I could give a rat’s ass by what people think at this moment. I would not let some guy control the situation any more than he already did; he is no longer the man I thought he could be and was in my dreams. He is nothing but a stranger of hate towards me for a reason I do not want to know.

           “What you did was very brave, no one has ever stood up to a Cullen before” A girl with mud brown eyes whispered to me, I decided to sit at her table.

           “What’s his deal?” I whispered not bothering to comply the daggers being thrown or the pity stares that followed.

           “He’s just a mystery” she answered.

           “Mystery? More like a head case” I whispered, she looked at me about to say something but decides against it.

           “I’m Angela”

           “Rae”

           “Well Rae, you are the first and only girl who has ever stood up to a Cullen, better watch out because they tend to correct things” she answered before jerking her head to the back for me to see an equally beautiful blonde female with the same golden eyes. I was too amazed by her beautiful statuesque, elegant figure similar to a model’s but better. She has long wavy blond hair that falls halfway down to the middle of her back that perfectly suits her golden eyes. I felt jealous just looking at her.

           “That’s Rosalie, Jasper’s twin sister”

           “That jerk has another half to him?” I asked she giggled from my reaction.

           “Well he has more siblings, they always have lunch together?”

           “So who was the one that ran after him?”
           “Alice Cullen” I suddenly felt confused

           “he has two sisters?”

           “Well they are all adopted by Doctor Cullen, but only Jasper and Rosalie are biologically related because their last name is actually Hale not Cullen—but to keep things simple they all go by Cullen”

           “How do you know this?” I was suddenly freaked out with the knowledge this girl was carrying and also why she was so happy to give it to me so easily.

           “I have connections” She answered “And this town isn’t exactly big, so it’s really impossible not to hear about anything”

           “I see that”

           “Welcome Forks, Washington Rae” she answered, shaking my head I turned to catch a glimpse of his seat, shaking my head from the disappointment I looked at Angela and sighed.

           “Something wrong Rae?”

           “No, I thought I saw someone I knew, once upon a dream” I whispered before asking her what is the lesson we will be learning today.

‘Once upon a dream’

What do you think?    

I wake up sweaty. Panting. My mind is in a thousand and one place and I am completely overwhelmed. 

I dream of my past, the bad part only. I dream of my future, and all of its failures. 

I remind myself that is was “just a dream” but it leaves me wondering and checking social media just to make sure. 

I expelled all the evil from my life a long time ago but it keeps creeping back in from subconscious where it was buried. It rises from its grave every evening to haunt me. Sometimes it lingers during the day, keeping me from moving on. So instead I bury myself.

I bury myself in blankets. Showered by kind words from loved ones, telling me it will get better. I believe them, with little hope. One day will become. One day.

One day.

One day.

Spend my days traveling in a van, or if I can afford it a tiny house, and just driving from place to place. Selling t-shirts and tarot readings out of my van, some kind of simple existence would be lovely on the later half of my life, since I am over drama, and negative vibes. Let me smoke weed, and sell Tie-Dye shirts in peace when I’m like 50 please.

I just image myself in a warm sunny area, like near a beach or something and being really happy. I’m putting in as much hard work as I can now, since fifty is two short decades away.

One of the things that’s been preoccupying me the most at this time right now has been the images of dreams and how capitalism influences and spectaclizes our unconscious to fit into its own territories. 

As a young child, my dreams were far more fantastical and wild, teeming with life that I didn’t experience in my day to day routines growing up. I can’t recall any specific dreams or moments now, but all I vaguely remember now is how they still occupied a space outside of the daily drudgery of capitalist civilization. However, starting in my young adolescence and increasingly so as I venture deeper into adulthood, my dreams are almost always dominated by the exact same scenes, structures, and recycled consumerist images that sort of appeal to the craving that so many people in my generation have for “nostalgia” (I will be returning to this later). Specific examples I can give of locations are shopping malls, amusement parks, highways, art museums, and the various schools I attended. However, what is most shocking about these places is that almost every time, even though I associate it with somewhere I’ve been before in real life, it is vastly different from the place I went to. This might seem like an obvious observation, but the way I see it is capitalism has implanted this abstract machine that diagrams these different institutions and structures out in my head in a million different ways, and has in turn supplanted all of those fantastic capacities I had as a young child to truly DREAM. My unconscious somehow is trying to compromise with the overriding nature of capitalism with the raw capacity that humans have for wild imagination. However, these dreams overall now feel like a return to the empty nostalgia of passive consumerist imagery that brings back a time when you couldn’t understand the affects and implications of said imagery on your psyche (I haven’t even begun to mention the other recurring themes of my dreams such as playing Sega Saturn games that never existed, playing through self imagined Doom levels from a first person perspective, watching television shows that I’ve never seen and somehow knowing what it is, etc etc. ). It’s horrible that I feel so comfortable in these dreams while I’m still in them without trying my best to reject and revolt against them. This is why I think overcoming dreams and trying to see their true implications is another important part of breaking domestication.

I can almost assure that most people have dreams like this regularly, and it really goes to show just how capitalism affects the unconscious to become a territory itself (as Baudrillard says) to impose its own images and structures on top of, even in our dreams. However,  inside of these dreams are still clues and secrets we can unlock about ourselves, our own fears and anxieties, and how to overcome this conquering reterritorialization from civilization to unquestioningly accept these images. I can recently recall a dream I had about seeing a deer being tortured and killed by a group of horned animals (primarily Rhinos) for stepping out of the herd and then abandoned into a shallow lake. This was one of the few instances of a dream that occurred outside of the capitalist territory, and I was immediately able to connect those scenes to more general overarching ideas of power, control, abandonment, and alienation. I had to confront my own anxieties and struggles with these things through this dream and in a way it gave me some hope that perhaps my mind wasn’t completely dominated yet with the logic of capital. 

I’m hoping that by gradually removing myself more from capitalist and consumerist culture, by not playing videogames, watching TV/Movies often, not going out to shopping centers as often, I can start to reconfigure my unconscious towards a more liberated capacity to desire outside of what is acceptable to desire. I anticipate this will take a long while to do, but I suppose the COVID-19 crisis provides some time for me to step back away from these places and images to a point where my dreams can start to unlock more secrets about myself and start to empower my mind to reject the conditioning and domestication of capital. 

I dreamt that I was with my cousins again, and when I woke up I cried ;-;

You know what’s funny? Every time I dream, I get treated to full-fledged, fully developed plots with sequels and spinoffs. But my brain never seems to be that active when I’m awake.

Headache in my dreams , keeps the forest on fire until the dawn , why the wind dies ? I was killing all the time watching people crying on the shelf , where I lost the mind on the middle of the night , does the moon isn’t complete ? Why it is so shiny now ?

Now my blindness is on my body , trying to say something with my hands , with these eyes full on a low contrast that keep my view black until the sun reflects the smell of coffee through these eyes .

- Sleeping days

If a wizard turned me into a golden coin I would hate it if he spent me on something boring

I’m like a crow I collect shiny things.

But these things aren’t shiny!

I see their shine with my heart, not with my eyes!

These are actual quotes from a dream I had earlier today while napping, my third eye must have been open

dolce vita