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#dropped out after 3 days
fisheito · 3 months
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is he a wise mentor or just jealous
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swordheld · 5 months
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3#i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai#after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where#it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.
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mattodore · 9 months
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finally updated my game for growing together and the first thing i did when i opened cas was make this guy... say hi to rajan 👋
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sprinklersart · 11 months
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one day when I am 3% less worried about being cringe I will post my half baked justified fic where they stay together through college/prison and become surprising well adjusted despite you know being Who They Are and also maybe or maybe not committing at least 1 homicide together. Or something g to that effect.
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tomhoppusdelonge · 4 months
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saltpepperbeard · 4 months
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*comes back to tungle covered in blood* hi beloveds
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gayspock · 4 months
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not to sound like a cunt but i swear like 2 jokes about something will get passed around and then a load of dipshits will start twisting that everyone is so Utterly Vacuous... god forbid if every post you post to your tumblr blog is not an indepth reflection of your thoughts and feelings. for your tumblr blog is reflective of your Inner mind and soul and you must summon yourself to the Calling of crafting the most perfect and eloquent analysis of the video essay that dropped 2 fucking days ago .
#egg.txt#this is about the hbomberguy shit soirry lol#like i see one or two jokes abt haha he took them out )#and then suddenly its like: THE WHOLE CONVERSATION IS JUST ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU MISSED THE POINT#DUDE its like a 2-3 ppl on tumblr who made joke posts that got traction#not to mention yes: ive seen MANY ppl posting abt how sad and unfortunate this all is#but those posts arent gonna get traction bc theyre quiet fuckin reflections on a topic for now#as such yeah bro the tag is dominated by jokes that really arent that serious.#idk ugh sorry to be such a twist im just soooo sick of the vibe everyone brings of like:#i see lighthearted jokes in this tag. HOW DARE YOU ALL DO THIS. YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKING STUPID AND YOU TAKE NOTHING SERIOUS.#like yes its a serious topic but again .... TWO GOD DAMN DAYS AFTER THE VIDEO DROPPED NO LESS... the thing thats gonna ALWAYS float to the#top of a tag is quick jokes.#and besides its like if you WANT to have those conversations thats great??? like cultivate them bro??#WHY not cultivate them instead of dominating the conversation with how stupid everyone is and how above them you are?#idk man its not just abt this#its abt sooooo much with the fuckn culture some ppl foster on this website#its the exact same with sillier shit like media#where some ppl think that u reblogging jokes abt a show / sth is like THE ONLY THOUGHTS YOU HAVE ON SOMETHING#blah blah blah you have such a superficial opinion of the characters and so forth#like relax. i just prefer to have discussions abt things not on my blog#jesus wept some ppl are desperate to think everyone is stupid
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darkcreamz95 · 2 months
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🎶 So yeah, if you guys want to add anything in here go ahead~
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landwriter · 1 year
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Hob just like love missing scenes?? do tell :)
He’s blond. That’s the first thing Hob notices, when the stranger - not his Stranger, just the lowercase sort, comes and sits down next to him. Thank Christ, he thinks, he couldn’t cope with some raven-haired beauty, not tonight. Maybe not for a few decades. Maybe he oughta move to, to bloody Finland or somewhere.
“Rough night?” asks the stranger. He sounds like a cowboy out of a Hollywood film.
Hob tries to smile and winces instead. “That obvious, am I?”
The man smiles. His teeth are white and perfect. He’s dressed in a cream suit and wearing coal-black sunglasses in the middle of the night, indoors. He’s the most American thing Hob has ever seen.
“Nah,” the lowercase stranger drawls. “I just wanted an excuse to come over. Drink to our troubles?”
Hob blinks. He’d started twelve hours ago with beer, which turned to wine, then whisky, then bitter disappointment and a cab ride here, and now more whisky, except it’s hideously expensive and he’s too deep in his cups to appreciate it. And he still knows he’s being hit on.
“Hob,” he says, and holds out his hand. The stranger takes it, and his grip is firm and cool. He momentarily forgets that he’s supposed to get a name in return. “What are you drinking tonight, mate?”
The stranger smiles again, long and slow this time, and lust slithers into Hob’s gut, settling comfortably atop the mess of misery below. “Well, whatever you’re buying.”
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all I've done for it so far! but really want to cover Corinthian's accidental use of Hob's "Life is so rich" line - here's my notes for the rest of this:
hob’s reaction, etc- his suspicion, smelling the death, wanting annihilation, knowing something is STRANGE about him. maybe even in earlier section - hob sensing he’s dangerous. poss the Corinthian offers a fake name. poss the name is like, randomly chosen, and a few minutes later hob notices it’s from a drink behind the bar, or on the cocktail menu, Usual Suspects style. immediately sobers up best he can. assessing situation, assuming he is a Dangerous Man, and thinking, perfect. a fuck and maybe a fight. then later, kissing, finding the dagger, and being honestly incredibly turned on, knowing he was right.
I think it could be a super fun and hot drabble and I really wanna jump into Hob's fresh-off-1989 mindset here because it's surely INSANE
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groenendaelfic · 2 months
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When you spend an hour writing a scene only to realize that you've already written said scene and the next 4k a month ago but labeled the file wrong.
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sweater-equestrian · 2 months
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no more heating issues w my lizard please
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doodlerh · 11 months
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I LET DOWN MY GUARD. I WAS DRAWING BAIZHU GENSHIN LIKE FULLY IN MY ROOMMATE'S VIEW
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freensrcha · 2 years
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the BLOSSOM squad 🌸
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transsongtaewon · 6 months
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today I spilled half a bottle of cola in my bag at the beginning of a five hour train ride so enjoy this ms paint doodle of Yoohyun's death.
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pepprs · 6 months
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ok. giving myself 4 minutes to make this post and then i finish my homework. i just am so deeply miserable. i really think i made a mistake. i should not be in grad school. i only took a year between this and undergrad and i am still so burned out and mentally ill. im working full time. im only taking one class and this program is supposed to be so good and aligned with what i want and all of that. but i just cant stand having homework. i just cant stand it. i think i am not cut out for academia even though i work in academia. i think i will never get better as long as im still living at home but i have to get better before i can no longer be living at home but i cant get better until im not living at home and every day i still live at home saps away at my will to live quite literally. i should not have started doing grad school without regaining my will to live. without restoring my love for reading and writing that i used to have voraciously when i was younger and less deeply miserable. without recovering from the burnout. i think i made a mistake. i need a masters degree so bad so that i can be safe but i need to not have fucking homework when i already struggle to get through my days without school. i feel so stuck in my life and hopeless and helpless. i dont know what to do
#purrs#i cant drop out or anything because. lol and this class isnt even that big of a deal like i TRULY am freaking out over nothing. but my life#situation is so bad rn bro like i cant get my parents to take me out to drive and i cant get myself to get my parents to take me out to#drive and every day i am guilt tripped berated etc etc and i feel like i am never ever ever going to be able to have my own life where i a#stable and safe and happy. it can happen for other people except for me and my siblings. i dont know. im not explaining anything well.#i just cant do this. i need to not have this one more thing on my plate but i have to because if i dont have a masters degree in my field i#am nothing even though everyone is telling me that isnt true and all of them are credible but im just so mentally ill i cant believe anyone#and icant accept any advice or hope or whatever good about me i just. am stuck. this is as good as it gets and its not even good.#delete later#that was 7 minutes not 4 and i didnt even write anything substantial. nutshell. i just have been so fucking depressed lately oh my goddddd#this is maybe too strong of a thing to say but like. i know it isnt technically neglect if i am an adult but... i think i may kind of be#neglected by my family in some ways a little bit and always have been but like. emotionally. like in the ways in which im never a priority#and the things i need are seen as burdens etc etc. and theres nothing anyone can do about it even myself because im an adult but like lol.#24 year old dependent moment <3#well there is one thing i can do about it as an adult actually. its called move out. but that requires strength i will#never possess unfortunately due to the inherent flaws in my character and constitution so. guess this is it lawl 🥰#side note (and i swear im done after this lol): i think i was doing a lot better mentally over the summer. funny how when the semester#starts i get depressed and the depression just gets worse and worse until the end of the semester 😻 funny how this is my seventh year like#this. willingly subjecting myself to this. that should be a clue no? but i love my job and if i could just have my job and be stable in it#would be happier but also im lying to mysaelf and i will always be unhappy but its because of my mental illness not my job being bad or#anything its like. i am just sick in the head with impostor syndrome and thats how i got myself into this whole mess. lol#well that and the not moving out thing which is partially my fault but also because i live in hell as described earlier! <3
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badolmen · 9 months
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I want more years between works of art made by artists paid more to work better hours and I’m not kidding.
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