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It’s really hard loosing friends to drugs. It’s given me a prespective I can’t yet appreciate because my heart is broken. THIS is how all my friends felt about me when I was diving into chaos, not listening to their screams of pain for what I was doing to myself, begging me to stop. I wish they knew just how sorry I am, because I’m aching so bad knowing someone I love to pieces is killing thenselves again. I’ve never had to be at the other end of addiction… I’ve always been the addict - Watching those who love me scream from behind a double sided mirror. I can’t see them, I can’t hear them, I don’t care because all I want is to destroy myself, even when I dont? I do. I care now… God do I care.

And if you ever find your way back to me? I will love you how I did the last time we touched. Perhaps even more.

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we’ve been doing blow everyday for weeks now. really it’s been months with a few days break every now and then. even with having a cold and our nose already irritated and sore but we just keep fucking it up.

we’ve always struggled with procrastinating doing school work and now that we moved to a stimulant heavy state, we keep using school work as our excuse to buy more and do more.

last night i said i wanted to take a break, we’ve beat the procrastination and gotten good grades from kindergarten to college. we did things somehow without drugs.

but now? it’s too tempting. it’s right here in my drawer and i have class in an hour (online bc the pandemic). it’s worse with everything being online bc i sit at my desk all day doing it.

just like i’m about to now.

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Guys my mind has been going crazy as of late, are all men basically liars? Even the ones who you’ve loved and known your whole life? I’m slowly shutting down and I really don’t know what to do, I just need someone right now but I literally have no one, and that’s so hard. But it’s okay Iv been here before I can deal… maybe

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